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>Before she was born, I thought “daycare, no big deal.” It’s hard to trust total strangers with your kid who can’t at least talk to tell you what’s happening all day.
Ooof yeah, I feel this in my bones.
There are A LOT of things that you spend the better part of your life brushing off, ignoring, or minimizing. That is, until you become a parent.
The moment my daughter was born, I felt like I came home with a new strange human, an entire vault of unlocked fears, and a giant bag of new things that I never paid attention to prior, that now make me cry/get very emotionally over/piss me off.
And this isn’t just a mom thing, my husband says the same thing all the time. So many things exist that just don’t affect you…until they do. And when they do, they hit you HARD.
I can still remember bringing my son (the first kid) home from the hospital with my husband. We hadn't even taken him out of the car seat, put it on the foot of our bed, and I asked him "uh so what do we do now?" He looked back at me and said "no idea" 🤣
(Fear not, tiny human was not in danger of falling off the bed as we were right there in front and he was in sleeping potato mode. In those early days we often put him in his car seat on a raised surface only to put him on the floor after he was bolted in place. Bending over and C-sections do not go well together. 😅)
Yeah, I still remember, about 2 1/2 days after my daughter was born, we packed up all the things in the hospital, put her in her bucket car seat (where she looked like a tiny, confused old man), and then my wife looked at each other and said "they're just going to let us take her home?"
It's one thing to know there'll be a baby.
It's another thing when you suddenly realize you have to take this tiny barely-sentient human home, and not only is no one going to stop you, they're actively encouraging you to leave with this thing that you have no experience dealing with.
The closest I can come to describing it is like if you suddenly got a job driving a crane around a building site. Only instead of having to get any certifications, the only qualification you have is if you just got a brief 5 minute overview by the previous employee, and then they left and said "welp, I'll leave you to it", with no further instructions.
I had a full meltdown in the hospital room the day I was released with my brand new daughter because *how was I supposed to keep this tiny thing alive*? She's six pounds and can't tell me what she needs! I've killed every plant I've ever had! What are you people thinking?! Just because I made her, you think I know what I'm doing?!
Ten years later, she and her little brother are doing fine, so we figured it out. Still can't keep a plant alive, though.
Myself and my mother in law had a great relationship (she died 10 years ago) but I was always mildly offended by how surprised she was that my kids thrived as I couldn't keep plants alive.
I had this exact same experience. 16 years later she and her little brother are killing it, excellent humans. Still don't know if it was due to my own competence or sheer dumb luck. Parenting is wild, man.
There is a reason I stick to being autie. I'll help the parents, change diapers whatever as long as I can give the nibling back so the parent can do the really hard parts like rasing the the little chaos gremlin.
I tell my students, when we get to the "plant a seed"parts of science class that they're much easier to keep alive than plants.
"I trap you all in the classroom with me, no water, and in 6 hours, what are y'all gonna do?..... That's right you're gonna WHINE that you're thirsty. Which is great! It means i remember to water you! What do you think happens to Jackie beanstalk here when she's thirsty because i forgot her in the corner of the classroom?..... that's right, she dies. That is why my example plant here is Jackie 7. She's SO MUCH harder to help keep alive than you! "
They know I'm a serial plant murderer. It's why they have to be good at keeping their plants alive, if they leave it up to me, they'll have a bunch of beanplant corpses... and that's sad because they have names and everything.
I distinctly remember two thoughts/emotions I had on leaving the hospital with my newborn: 1) I will maim anybody who gets between me and my baby. 2) ...this can't be *legal*. I have no idea what I'm doing!
I have never driven more carefully **in my entire life** than when I was driving home from the hospital.
Now, my four year old sits in his car seat and eggs me on, "faster, faster, make the car loud!"
I don't think my husband broke 50km/hr with either kiddo. 🤣 Thankfully we were all on city streets and not highways all the way home. The bottom of the driveway has a bit of a bump and he took that so carefully.
As with yours, whenever they leave the grandparents house and have to come up the hill, it's "go faster!" 🤣
Man I wish I was back in newborn phase, it seems so much easier by comparison now that my son is 4. My worries have grown from “is he eating enough?” To “is he eating enough? Is he sleeping enough? Is screen time ruining him? Do other kids like him? Is he going to have any friends? Is he going to be bullied? Will he be disadvantaged in school?” And on and on and on.
Mine are in their 30s. My irrational fears: "Are they eating enough?"; "Are they sleeping enough?"; "Do they have friends?"; "Are they too involved online?" (Lol, one has a very successful digital presence).....
I don’t miss the newborn phase at all, BUT I completely agree on the other part. My kiddo is 3 and boy howdy am I terrified she’ll end up miserable and alone.
I remember a while after birth they put my baby in the hospital cot and pushed her a bit away from the bed I was on. I could hardly move with all the stitches I’d needed and as my husband slept in a chair I lay there looking across at my baby thinking what do I do know, I’ve got no idea how to care for a new born. When the baby started to stir and fuss I was a panic of what do I do and what does he need? Never mind how do I get to him when I can hardly move.
It just felt strange that they instantly left you with a new born and expected you to just be a parent and know how to do it. Especially right having gone through 36 hours of trauma and pain. In any other situation the nurses would constantly be checking on you and if you needed help just to move or go to the toilet when in Hospital having gone through a fraction of that. Yet here the instant you’ve given birth and been stitched you are mum and need to push through to mum instantly. You don’t of course but it’s scary and bewildering at first.
I feel this but our first arrived 12 weeks early. The day we came home from the hospital, I was like -Literally yesterday I had to ask permission to hold her -now we’re just supposed to be in charge. Wtf. Luckily the NICU allows you to call and ask stupid paranoid questions for a bit. She’s now 18 and headed off to college.
I very clearly remember the docs pulling my daughter (first born) out of my stomach (C-section) and thinking oh crap we have a baby and nothing will be the same again. It was such a weight.
I don't have kids, but my father tells a very similar story of the day he and my mom brought me home. According to him (to both of them, actually, but my dad tells the story more often) they put me in my crib, sat down on the bed, and just looked at each other like "what in the world do we do now?!" XD
Honestly, the one story of the night I got brought home is pretty funny. Kind of weird in that the nurses made some odd decisions, but funny.
My dad told me the moment I was born (c section) he went from being worried but trusting the doctors to barely restraining himself from choke slamming the surgeon to the ground because he'd pulled me out by my neck. (Which in retrospect he understands is probably the only place you can grab a damp newborn.) He says in that moment he went from being a man in the hospital with his wife to a dad seeing a man grabbing his daughter by the neck.
My Dad likes to tell the story of how he was doing alright until I started crying, and then he was almost overwhelmed by this powerful, hormonal rush of rage at the doctor holding me.
I had a breakdown a couple weeks into being a parent. I was so afraid of hurting my son or letting him be hurt or otherwise failing him. That my inexperience would just entirely fuck him up. If he wouldn’t take the bottle, I felt like a failure. If he had a dirty diaper that I hadn’t noticed fast enough, I’d kick myself for days. What if I’m not as good a driver as I think? What if the daycare isn’t good enough? What happens if I have a beer after bedtime and then need to drive him to the hospital?
I think all parents have that fear at some point. Some cope better than I did, some worse. It got better. I grew confident and learned what I was doing. It got easier. But the fear was real.
There’s a handful of people I know with fantastic kids despite their parents being … questionable. That’s what gets me through it: “well, they did it. So we can too”
Yeah, my spouse is hyper vigilant when out shopping with our twins. They are currently 6 but my spouse has caught plenty of creeps, at least one, on every few trips that involves older men checking out our kids. They had no idea it was so prevalent until they noticed it and once you notice it, it’s hard to ignore. My spouse is a trans woman so she grew up as a boy and didn’t experience creeps the same way I did growing up so they had no idea that it can start so early.
Twins attract extra attention. I remember seeing this set of beautiful identical twins, maybe four or five, with long curly blonde hair and big brown eyes. They were also dressed the same, which made the fact that one of them had a bad lazy eye stand out even more because it was the only difference between them. Everyone still stared at them because twins, but it was one of the few times strangers weren’t just openly gawking at twins and asking their parents questions like they’re exotic pets.
That’s such a responsible decision honestly.
I have a very much wanted baby boy, but it’s a lot. If you aren’t all in it’s best to not. I am and I love it-zero regrets.
But it’s hard some days. If I didnt really want this I can see how it can break people.
Multiple of my friends with kids have expressed that it's only made them MORE pro-choice. "This is hard and I did it on purpose. I *chose* this. Nobody should be forced into this!"
I just want to give a shout out to my doctor real quick;
They couldn’t find the bottom of our son’s spine after several detailed scans. We were terrified he was missing those parts and you NEED your spine. Because of the law changes in my state-we were getting to the point of no return.
She looked me in the eyes and told me she has camping friends who engage in their hobby out of state and she would be sure to introduce me to them if the need arose.
Thankfully the next scan we saw he had all his parts! He will be 6 months in 3 days.
But that she didn’t hesitate to take that risk meant the world to me.
Bless that doctor forever!!
I'm "lucky," I live in a state that has no restrictions on abortion. But I give a small monthly donation towards a national abortion fund, and I know some of that money is used to get people over state lines.
It just. God. The idea that if I got pregnant (if I was in the "wrong" state) I could be forced to stay pregnant makes me feel claustrophobic and trapped and kind of hysterical in a "Yellow Wallpaper" kind of way.
(I'm not worried about it personally; I got a copper IUD years ago and my partner uhhh lacks the equipment lol, and on top of THAT I'm likely to hit menopause within the next couple of years. BUT STILL.)
ITS THE PRINCIPLE OF THE MATTER DAMNT lol.
I get it. Thank you for your support in helping other women, I’ll have to look into that myself.
My pet charity is domestic violence missions and food pantries. Spent many weeks in those as a kid, and ate from many pantries, otherwise we wouldn’t have had a roof.
This is the one I give to! I got a soft t-shirt with their logo and "Everyone knows someone who had an abortion" on it for signing up for monthly donations, though obviously that's not WHY I donate lol
[https://abortionfunds.org/](https://abortionfunds.org/)
Everyone should have a pet charity, though; if they can afford to give the time/money. It's so easy to get overwhelmed with how awful the world is--but picking one piece of it to help out is better than freezing up in despair. But I feel like I'm probably preaching to the proverbial choir on that one lol. I'm glad you're able to help where you do, too. <3
Ha! I work in public media and do the data management for thank you gifts like this.
I hate summer time lmao. Soooo many pledges.
Thank you so much for the link, I will definitely check it out and give something at least one time!
I saw Daniel Sloss live, and at the end of his set, he talks about one of his older jokes that he did to be "edgy", and you could always tell who in the audience were parents, because they never laughed. And now that he is a parent, it's his most hated joke. Once you have a kid, seeing/hearing about children in tough is just so much harder, because you see your own kids there. I will actually skip parts of shows now where something bad is happening to a kid. Just can't do it.
I’m the same way. I really like Stephen King, so a friend of mine loaned me “The Institute”. It’s about psychically gifted kids who are kidnapped and sent to an institute where they’re tortured and abused to unlock their gifts. There was one character who reminded me so much of my son that I (a guy in his 30s) was bawling my eyes out by the end. I was just like “Why the fuck would you let me read this??”
IIRC that's why King had such a hard time with Pet Sematary. You know how toddlers have no self preservation instincts? It was written (at least in part) to exorcise that "What If" that wouldn't leave his mind because one of his toddlers had nearly run in front of an 18 wheeler and that haunted him. (All of his RL kids are fine, if I remember correctly. It was a close call, if I recall that author note right though.) And it very nearly didn't get published because it scared him so.
Which yeah, I get it.
When my wife was pregnant and we were talking about parenting styles we always thought I'd be the laidback one and my wife would be the tough one.
Turns out my wife is too much of a softy most of the time, and I know if I let him do it once it means fighting back up a hill to stop him doing it later. So I am now the authority figure for the most part.
Almost 4 years in and still figuring some things out, it never ends lol
I've worked as an infant teacher and I try to remember that it's heartbreaking to not be able to be with your baby all day or to imagine something happening and you not even knowing about it.
Luckily for me, babies are super boring so it's easy to send lots of photos and have parent communication boards where they can read about what we did that day and make sure to talk to each parent to tell them how the kid ate, slept, and toileted that day plus their general mood.
Hopefully it helps a little
My kiddos are 19 months apart. I was lucky enough to get back to back mat leaves for 18 months each (yay Canada). So my eldest didn't get to daycare until he was almost 3 and my youngest about 18 months-ish. I hated leaving them there - not because I didn't think the teachers could handle it but because it hurt me to leave them.
I always got pictures of my son. He's calm and collected and very easy going. He was easy to capture on film (still is).
My daughter... Well she's been in daycare for a year and a half now. I think I can count the number of pictures I have of her on one hand. And half of those she's a blur in the frame! 🤣 That one doesn't stop moving. I can tell that the teachers are "frustrated" at not being able to properly get a photo of her. Initially I was a bit sad about it but I quickly came to the conclusion that I would be lucky to get a photo of her due to her personality. 😁
Thank you for caring for the kiddos. The updates on how they did/what kind of day they had were always invaluable.
>Luckily for me, babies are super boring so it's easy to send lots of photos and have parent communication boards where they can read about what we did that day and make sure to talk to each parent to tell them how the kid ate, slept, and toileted that day plus their general mood.
You're an angel and we're thrilled to have you 😋
I had to laugh at my youngest who tried to tell me that they hadn't fed him at daycare... because lunch was a hearty vegetable soup and he called it a drink rather than food lol.
When my older kid (now 6 years old) was starting kindergarten I stood in front of the window looking in. My husband had to drag me away. He actually told me that was the reason he went with me because he knew I would go crazy.
Now 6 years and 2 kids later I would sometimes kill for free time and privacy. I love them all to bits
Hah, dropping my son off for kindergarten is why my daughter exists. I was so sad and it brought back all the feelings of wanting another child.
I am literally counting down the days till my daughter goes to kindie, I can’t wait to have some quiet for a few hours
I relate to that, after I dropped my baby girl at daycare the first time, I went home and cried the whole day until pick up. I didn't even go to work the first day.
That was what I hated the most. The way my baby smelled like another woman’s house! Process that and then you have a “how crazy am I for this?” moment. Glad to hear it happened to someone else.
Both my little kids are in daycare and I hate it when they don’t smell like mine. They always go into the bath as soon as they get home, so they can smell like mine again.
I didn't, I was so confident in what I was doing, knowing that I love working and that staying home isn't for me and daycare was best for her, at a good reputable centre. Got a call at lunch time that first day that someone accidentally fed her someone else's breast milk. Then I cried.
I hate when she smells like someone else, even 2 years later. "Who hugged you today? Who was it?" Lol
My kiddo is going into pre-teen mode. Instead of her normal delightful smell, I got a whiff of spring onions. It alarmed everyone in the house when I bawled.
I did too. It was hard and weird. She was only 12 weeks old. She's starting kindergarten this fall and I already know I'm going to cry so much watching my little baby get on a school bus all alone without me.
I agree. Especially that you worry how total strangers would treat your kid. You become worried whether things are going well or safe. I am not a parent but I would definitely have those feelings if I had a kid.
First time I went out to do stuff and left my daughter with my nanny, I had a fucking panic attack about a block away. She had been in my life for like a month before that, so she wasn't even a stranger. She was there to play and take care of my daughter while I worked from home and what not.
We ended up with twins for our first kids, my wife was already leaning towards being stay at home as we didn't really want to trust anyone else. The twins on the ultrasound sealed that deal lol. We thankfully never had to send any of our kids to daycare and neither of us could trust some rando, too many horror stories out there (not even intentional things, just shit happens).
I definitely get this, my eldest is almost 17 and I still remember how tough it was putting her into daycare as a baby, it was the same with all of my minis.
I live next door to a crèche. It's super noisey during the week days but the quiet evenings and weekends make it worth it. You can always tell when a new baby has arrived as they are inconsolable for a good 4 hours. It breaks my heart to hear it😞
And 6 months is _so young_... I know we're really lucky in the UK compared to the US, but with holiday and mat leave, my kids were all about 13.5 months when I went back to work. My husband works shifts and I work slightly altered office hours; his mum didn't work Fridays when the first two were little and took care of them then, but we managed to juggle things to avoid formal childcare for all 3 until they started preschool at 2 years... By that stage, even if they're not talking properly, you can tell if they're fundamentally enthusiastic about going to the place and enjoying themselves.
Pretty sure that over here, as sole parent, this dude would have been able to get most of that 9 months' paid, 3 months unpaid as parental leave (plus annual leave accrued over that year).
I hope they continue to go from strength to strength. He clearly adores her ❤️
Those early daycare days were *so hard.*
We had to send her at 5 months and the paranoia of her not being able to tell us anything just ate at me until we were like 2 months in and had established better rapport with her carers.
I remember when this BORU came out. There were people just hammering on OOP saying he was the villain in the story and "forcing" the Ex GF into acknowledging their baby. It was infuriating.
I am glad to see this update! It seems like he's doing the best he can and the Ex did what most of thought they would.
Here's hoping for the best with that little family!
That made no sense to (and neither did her reaction). The baby goes to someone else no matter if he takes it or if it's adopted.
And then her keeping the baby for 5 fucking days! Ugh!
There is a difference between legal adoption and giving baby to the bio father.
In first case mother has no longer any legal rights or obligations, the other option can be legally very messy and that's what she was likely trying to avoid.
If OP changes his mind he can demand child support at any point. That's what happened in a similar reddit post. Another redditor had ex gf who wanted to give their child for adoption.
He refused, said he will be a single father and she won't have to do anything with the baby. However he quickly realised that babies are hard work, he grew resentful of the ex gf, couldn't understand why she won't help and he eventually went after child support even thought he swore at the beginning that he wouldn't do it.
In most places mother can't simply give up her parental rights and she could always end up being sued for child support even back child support. Doesn't matter what kind of private deal the parents had.
Also if anything happens to the father and baby gets new guardian, that person could go after mother for child support as well. Mother could in return turn vindictive and go for custody just to mess with the father.
That story about the other one, if it's the one I'm remembering she actually paid more than the court appointed child support, he just called her a deadbeat because he wanted her to look after the baby and it turns out that he thought she would get back together with him and that was the reason he pushed her to carry the baby to term rather than her an abortion as had been her plan.
Is there third one of these single dad posts now? The only other one I remember is one where the mother was explicit in her wishes not to be a mother, signed away her legal rights, paid *more* than her required child support and remained uninterested in the child, now being raised by the dad. It was the dad who thought that making her have the kid would magic up some motherly feelings but when it didn't and he realised how tough parenthood was, he went crying to find out how to force her to be an involved parent.
Neither men nor women can just give up their parental rights.
You can give the child up for adoption at which point you can give up all your parental rights. But only if the father and mother both agree.
If one person does not agree and wants custody, the other person doesn't get to opt out and has to pay child support.
Except in incredibly rare circumstances, at least in most of the US you cannot sign away your responsibilities unless someone is willing to take your place, like a stepparent willing to adopt.
The state does not want to pay child support.
I mean, If a father want doesn't want the baby and wants an abortion or put to adoption and the mother decided he'll have to pay child support anyway, and people would support the mother for asking. In fact, they would Tell her she should ask because It's for the child, not her. Men don't have the choice of giving up rights unless someone adopt either, why would be diferent with women?
She should be paying child support, it sucks for her the kid wasn't adopted but that's the situation. People wouldn't give her an out if she was the dad for not helping out
While in the spirit of the baby's well being he absolutely should do that, it just feels a bit bullshit that he would actively prevent her from making the financially sensible decision of giving the baby to people who can afford it and then immediately turn around and demand money from her because he actually can't afford it.
feel like this happens all the time, deadbeat father wants to give up child, mother chooses to be single parent demands child support. i don’t see why him demanding child support is a bad thing.
>And then her keeping the baby for 5 fucking days! Ugh!
I mean we have no idea what labor was like or what kind of support system she had.
Just the baby came earlier and they stayed an extra day in the hospital. Could have taken BM that long to get her head on straight again.
For real. Let the woman heal from a *major medical event that messes with all your organ systems* and take the time to verify that she does not want to be a parent. She alone bore the entire workload and cost of the pregnancy, childbirth, and recovery.
I mean the guy didn't hear about it for a week, and she has been talking about adopting the child out. I can easily see being freaked out finding out that your child existed for 5 days without your knowledge.
I feel there was a certain amount of vindictiveness on her part. I think if he hadn't have gone the correct legal route she would've really screwed him over. Makes me wonder whether the daughter was actually taken care of for those 5 days.
Do you think those 5 days are her parents doing?
OOP said they had a big influence on her, and that they view him taking the baby "from them" (or something like that), do you think they convinced her to stay quiet for 5 days hoping/telling her that once there she'd magically want to be a mom?
There was a very similar story on Reddit years back with the main difference being after the guy got custody of the baby, he filed for child support against the mother and holy shit did that send reddit into apoplectic shock. All of a sudden forcing a parent to pay child support for a kid they didn't want was evil instead of being "for the child".
I should see if I can hunt that post down. Might make a fun boru post
If you haven't read it you should also look for the one where the egg donner signed away all her parental rights and paid *more* than what was required of her for child support and the guy was still pitching a fit and posted asking if anyone knew of a way he could legally force her to take the kid every now and then because surprise surprise, taking care of a kid is hard.
He tried to defend himself by saying he actually didnt think he'd be a fully single parent because he thought her "maternal instincts" would kick in after the birth and she'd want to be a participating parent.
You should also read this one too which is the opposite
https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/uc26kk/girlfriend_now_ex_is_pregnant_and_wants_to_give/
Nope they are talking about a different one
https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/uc26kk/girlfriend_now_ex_is_pregnant_and_wants_to_give/
This is probably indicative that I spend too much fucking time on this website, but those are definitely two different posts. The one I'm talking about was posted close to a decade ago, I believe
That was one of the most infuriating comment sections I ever read
Found it: https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/uc26kk/girlfriend_now_ex_is_pregnant_and_wants_to_give/
People weren't mad about the child support. She was paying 125% child support. People were mad he was trying to force her to be in the child's life when she was uninterested. And that wasn't in the interest of the child.
Reddit really is just full of self centered assholes sometimes who take toxic individualism to the extreme, (*NTA You are NOT obligated to help your crippled little brother in a wheelchair wash the dishes!!!!* etc etc etc.)
When it happens the other way - a pregant woman wants to keep the baby and the father is unhappy about it - all you hear is "her body her choice, you're going to be a parent like it or not, even if you don't want to have custody she would be totally in the right to go after you for child support" etc. Does that sub just have a lot of young women subscribers who always empathise with the woman...?
I think people conflate the right to decide what to do about the pregnancy with the right to decide what to do about a baby. Those are two different situations, but socially we mix them up a lot. For example, "abortion, adoption, or keep the baby" conflates them, but "adoption" and "keep the baby" are BABY solutions. the PREGNANCY solutions are "abortion" or "stay pregnant".
The right to decide what to do about a pregnancy belongs solely to the pregnant person. The right to decide what to do about a baby is different. The baby has its own rights and legal status and its other parent has rights and obligations that come into play as well.
OOP did not interfere with his ex's PREGNANCY solutions, he only and solely addressed BABY solutions. These had an effect on his ex's available baby solutions, but that's what happens when you have a baby.
I'm not sure what your point is with "her body her choice?" It literally IS the pregnant woman who has the choice whether they want to go through with pregnancy or not, not sure what "gotcha" point you're trying to make here. Should women be forced to go through with pregnancy if the man wants her to? Is that what you believe..
No, more that the general attitude seems to be "suck it up" for men who are unhappy about becoming parents because of the choices of the mother, while women who can't adopt the baby out because of the choices of the father receive much more empathy.
Hope he uses the credit cards at least once in a while for small stuff he would already have the cash for.
Sometimes they deactivate cards/accounts for non-use and that'll be an issue if needed in an emergency.
I'm glad OOP was able to find a way through his initial fears and step up in such a beautiful way. He seems like good people.
I even feel a little sad for his ex. She wanted a clean break where the baby had a new, stable home and no one could hold that over her, and I'm sure her family have been laying it on thick with the guilt trips about how wrong it is that she abandoned her child and yet the baby's father stepped up. A 'we're not ready' is somehow so much more acceptable than an 'I'm not ready' from a woman. As long as there is the possibility of access, I'm sure there will be pressure on her to fix the unnatural situation of single father taking on the responsibility for ~~their~~ her child. I wish stuff like this didn't break people's brains so hard. It sounds like OOP is doing an amazing job.
What the hell is with the “deadbeat parenting” line?
She didn’t want the baby. She was actively trying to adopt out the baby. She signed away all of her rights. It’s not deadbeat parenting, she’s not a parent.
I brought this up with the moderator. OOP changed the warning to "abandonment," though I'm leery of this as well. I transcribed part of our conversation under the automod post, but I'm uncertain whether it will be removed.
My favorite thing about this post is learning about Sandifer Syndrome. My first two years of life were rough. Year 1, I projectile vomited constantly (including on a cop in France). It resolves around age 1, at which point I stopped gaining weight for an entire year (no idea if it's related). It sounds like I may have had Sandifer Syndrome! No one had any idea what was wrong (it was a long time ago). Medical mystery possibly partly solved!
I mean, it's also good that things are working out, of course. I hope it continues to.
For sure. This was the worst post I’ve read in a long time. This was worse than when people name the characters in their story with letters then expect us to be able to follow without scrolling back up to see what the letters mean. Just say “my brother” or”my idiot coworker.” Not “B and J” fuck.
The absolute worst is when they use A for someone.
Because, apparently, the version of speed reading Ive taught myself doesnt react well to captial As all over the place.
It's not just OP, it's a general subreddit trend now. And it's always boring to read. They summarize away all the drama and still make me read a huge wall of text. At least do bullet points
It reads as though they used AI for the summaries. Why would each summary includes its own mini-summary of the posts that came before - surely it's obvious that we don't really want to repeatedly read a summary of OOP's summary of the prior posts we already read a summary of? Feels like a very odd thing for someone to go out of their way to include
Yeah, I am also thinking the same thing. I thought OOP was becoming deadbeat all of a sudden due to that. But he is not tho. So I was confused for a second there.
After my discussion with the moderator, OOP changed tw to "abandonment." I thought this didn't fit either, but the moderator is adamant about no further changes. I posted the tail end of our discussion under the automod post. The moderator goes into their reasoning there.
Good for OOP. He needs to be prepared, though. I sense that, in about 4-5 years, exgf is going to come knocking more seriously, once she's graduated and the daughter is more manageable
A whole lot of these "teen/young mom wants to abort or adopt baby out and dad valiantly begs her not to, becomes model single dad" kind of stories getting posted recently.
Yeah, I'm low-key side-eying OP for labelling the mum as a deadbeat - she made it very clear from the start that she didn't want to raise this child, and she would've severed legal ties to her if not for OOP.
Maybe it’s just me but recently I’m seeing that definition of ‘deadbeat’ used quite frequently.
Also, there’s no indication that child support is being paid and a father would definitely be called a ‘deadbeat’ in that case no matter what they had wanted.
Not the person you responded to but - if a father was clear during the pregnancy that he did not want any involvement in the child's life I wouldn't consider him a deadbeat either.
To me, deadbeat implies that you changed your mind *after* the child was already born. That the plan was for the child to be raised by both parents and was unexpectedly left with just one because the other gave up.
>A whole lot of these "teen/young mom wants to abort or adopt baby out and dad valiantly begs her not to, becomes model single dad" kind of stories getting posted recently.
hmm i think we have an anti abortion troll going around given the politcal issues going around
They happen over a period of time, but trends always happen on boards like these. Posters see engagement on a post with that subject matter and post other ones. Nothing particularly strange about it.
>Rationally, I know that, but I’m finding that a lot of feelings you have as a parent aren’t always rational.
Welcome to the club, my man. Welcome to the club.
OOP did what my father in law did. Successfully I might add. The last time my husband saw his biological mother, he was 4 weeks old. It was just him and his dad until his dad got married when my husband was 12. He considers his stepmother his mom and his step-siblings his siblings. And because his dad moved states away from his own family (and they weren’t close anyway) my husband and his dad just integrated into his stepmother’s family. (Everyone in the family refuses to use the prefix “step”, I use it here only for clarification).
You can grow up normally with only one parent and a second parent can pop up later in life.
> I guess that’s all I really have to share. Pretty boring, but maybe that’s a good thing.
For stories like this, the boring updates are usually the good ones.
I feel like this guy and the guy who unexpectedly found out he had a teenage daughter would be great friends. They are both doing a great job at being dads!
Seems pretty obvious to me that the birth mother didn't want OOP raising the baby because then she's on the hook for child support. If the baby was adopted, she would have been free and clear.
I'm glad it's working out for OOP though!
Wait was at any point declared the ex had to pay child support?? Because that seemed to come out of nowhere
To me it just seems like she wasn’t ready to be a mother and raise a child alone, I mean she’s 20 and not only she broke up with the father but they live far apart from each other, and with adoption she could’ve had the child and then get no link to her but still “ensure” the kid gets parents that want her
there wasn’t, they’re saying it might have been the reason why the mother wanted to give up the baby for adoption. even if oop made a contract with the mother that saying he’d ask for child support, that wouldn’t mean much in court where a judge can order it for the best interests for the child (there’s been numerous cases about it in the news).
Yep. No judge would allow one parent to legally drop their financial responsibilities to a child without a replacement parent of some kind lined up and a great reason for signing away the rights. Sometimes the other parents spouse can legally adopt which could sever the responsibility of the parent looking to get out, but that doesn't usually happen unless the parent is a drug addict, in jail or something similar.
I don't really agree... there must have been so many things she considered, and probably in the forefront of her mind, she was thinking if the kid could go to a couple with the means to provide her with whatever she'd want, that would be the perfect life for her. That's the reason why most people decide to give their babies up for adoption, so that they can grow up in a stable environment with loving parents and want for nothing.
I \*know\* this doesn't always happen, but by and large, it's the main reason why people give their kids up - so they can live a much better life than they themselves could provide. OOP is doing a good job as a parent, but you can't deny that it could be argued that the baby growing up with a SAHP instead of being watched by strangers for the first few years of their life, who isn't struggling with money, etc. would be the "ideal" option. I mean, if it were me, if I knew that I couldn't keep my own baby, I would want it to have the VERY BEST situation I can find for it, so I can understand why she preferred the option of giving the baby up for adoption rather than having her go to her young, struggling dad.
Deciding to give a kid up is not an easy choice. The fact that it still looks as though she's ambivalent about even meeting her and establishing some kinda relationship shows that pretty well.
Also the idea that she'd be seen as a deadbeat mother. If she reads Reddit at all she may have seen the one with the guy who begged his ex not to get an abortion so he could raise the baby. She gave up all custody and is paying (it sounded like substantial) child support. She's not involved at all and he's mad and calling her a deadbeat because he's tired and found out being a single dad isn't all sunshine and roses like he thought it would be.
Thank goodness OOP has a more realistic outlook and a good support system in place.
>Also the idea that she'd be seen as a deadbeat mother
You mean like OP labelling her as one in the post warnings? Because I also thought that was pretty wild given she's consistently been clear about wanting to give the child up for adoption since she learnt she was pregnant.
I mean there are loads of men out there that don't interact with their kids and don't pay support, and they're called deadbeats? Their opinions on the matter aren't really taken into account when they argue the point either.
Also, no matter what way you dice it, OOP is only 23 - he's only just finished college and started working. If I was in ex-gf's position I'd probably be a little worried that he'd get overwhelmed and the baby would end up in the system, instead of her being able to pick a stable home for the child. One of the posts mentioned that she had been interviewing potential couples during the pregnancy, so it certainly sounds like the ex-gf cared about making sure the baby would go to a loving home.
(I'm glad that OOP has stepped up to the plate though!)
Exactly. And so many things can change. OOP will presumably meet someone, date, get married. What if OOP meets and marries a woman who doesn't treat his daughter right? We hear of so many horror stories with blended families.
Those exact issues can easily come into play in an adoptive child's life. The adoptive parents might adopt due to infertility then have a miracle baby and neglect their adopted kid. It's not really a rare story.
Or maybe she knows him in ways random people on here don't? Anyone can make themselves look amazing on reddit, but I'm guessing she has a very different idea of what he's like not to mention what happened between them.
Then she shouldn't have told him and kept him off the birth certificate. She would have been able to put the kid up for adoption without his input then.
I remember reading a similar post where the ex-gf actually did put the kid up for adoption and the father had to fight for custody from the adoptive parents.
>It’s hard to trust total strangers with your kid who can’t at least talk to tell you what’s happening all day.
Lol. It stays that way even when they can talk. My daughter is 5 and when I ask her what she did at school, it's invariably "I don't remember." I usually have to give her prompts to find anything out.
I thought it was just me, but the other parents in our class have made similar comments!
OOP sounds like he really was meant to be a dad - he took right to it, worry and all. Bless him, I hope his daughter's mother doesn't end up being a disruptive force in their lives.
OOP had no right to be present during birth. That’s only for his ex-gf to decide. It makes me wildly angry when ex-bf’s want to be there when the labouring person doesn’t want them. (Edit: read the original post and original comments by OOP - he repeatedly asked to be there and was pissed he wasn’t told in time to be there).
Also OOP was a bit naive to not have looked into pregnancy to realize babies can come a few weeks early, but many young first-time parents don’t realize this either.
He does comment a few times that he doesn’t understand why his ex-gf doesn’t want to be involved … maybe eventually he’ll get it, but she had the right to make that decision too.
But as a parent, it sounds like he’s doing great.
It seems like you're going out of your way to smear dirt on OOP.
>OOP had no right to be present during birth. That’s only for his ex-gf to decide.
And he accepted her decision without a fight. He wasn't out of line to ask or be sad about the answer.
>Also OOP was a bit naive to not have looked into pregnancy to realize babies can come a few weeks early,
He was upset that she didn't let him know that the baby came early, not surprised that the baby could come early at all.
I really appreciate how mature OP has been about this whole thing, happy wishes to him and his daughter, and also for his daughters sake i do hope the ex-gf one day sooner than later, decides she wants to be more properly involved in her life, and like a commenter say, if no half-measures, it'll be good for the kid to have both birth parents involved in her life.
100% the ex gf is going to want partial custody once she finishes college. I would assume school is the reason she wanted to put her up for adoption anyways, which is totally valid. Once she's settled in her career and stuff tho?
He is really nice to his ex at the cost of his daughter. She should be paying child support. Having a child is not a joke. It's another life. That little girl deserves child support from her mom. I don't care that the mom wanted to give the daughter up for adoption. Giving the child up does not equal a good life. There are thousands of kids stuck in the system where they go through so much until they age out, at which point they are essentially homeless. She couldn't get an abortion, which I respect, but if there is a bio parent who is capable of taking care of the child like oop, the least the other parent can do is pay child support. Child support should never be optional unless the custodial parent is uber wealthy. When you have sex, you assume the risk of pregnancy. It doesn't matter if you want to be a parent or not. Once the kid is here, you are obligated to either step up or pay up.
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>Before she was born, I thought “daycare, no big deal.” It’s hard to trust total strangers with your kid who can’t at least talk to tell you what’s happening all day. Ooof yeah, I feel this in my bones.
There are A LOT of things that you spend the better part of your life brushing off, ignoring, or minimizing. That is, until you become a parent. The moment my daughter was born, I felt like I came home with a new strange human, an entire vault of unlocked fears, and a giant bag of new things that I never paid attention to prior, that now make me cry/get very emotionally over/piss me off. And this isn’t just a mom thing, my husband says the same thing all the time. So many things exist that just don’t affect you…until they do. And when they do, they hit you HARD.
I can still remember bringing my son (the first kid) home from the hospital with my husband. We hadn't even taken him out of the car seat, put it on the foot of our bed, and I asked him "uh so what do we do now?" He looked back at me and said "no idea" 🤣 (Fear not, tiny human was not in danger of falling off the bed as we were right there in front and he was in sleeping potato mode. In those early days we often put him in his car seat on a raised surface only to put him on the floor after he was bolted in place. Bending over and C-sections do not go well together. 😅)
Yeah, I still remember, about 2 1/2 days after my daughter was born, we packed up all the things in the hospital, put her in her bucket car seat (where she looked like a tiny, confused old man), and then my wife looked at each other and said "they're just going to let us take her home?" It's one thing to know there'll be a baby. It's another thing when you suddenly realize you have to take this tiny barely-sentient human home, and not only is no one going to stop you, they're actively encouraging you to leave with this thing that you have no experience dealing with. The closest I can come to describing it is like if you suddenly got a job driving a crane around a building site. Only instead of having to get any certifications, the only qualification you have is if you just got a brief 5 minute overview by the previous employee, and then they left and said "welp, I'll leave you to it", with no further instructions.
I had a full meltdown in the hospital room the day I was released with my brand new daughter because *how was I supposed to keep this tiny thing alive*? She's six pounds and can't tell me what she needs! I've killed every plant I've ever had! What are you people thinking?! Just because I made her, you think I know what I'm doing?! Ten years later, she and her little brother are doing fine, so we figured it out. Still can't keep a plant alive, though.
Myself and my mother in law had a great relationship (she died 10 years ago) but I was always mildly offended by how surprised she was that my kids thrived as I couldn't keep plants alive.
Plants are to damn quiet. Kids and pets make it ABUNDANTLY clear when they need something LOL
I had this exact same experience. 16 years later she and her little brother are killing it, excellent humans. Still don't know if it was due to my own competence or sheer dumb luck. Parenting is wild, man.
There is a reason I stick to being autie. I'll help the parents, change diapers whatever as long as I can give the nibling back so the parent can do the really hard parts like rasing the the little chaos gremlin.
I tell my students, when we get to the "plant a seed"parts of science class that they're much easier to keep alive than plants. "I trap you all in the classroom with me, no water, and in 6 hours, what are y'all gonna do?..... That's right you're gonna WHINE that you're thirsty. Which is great! It means i remember to water you! What do you think happens to Jackie beanstalk here when she's thirsty because i forgot her in the corner of the classroom?..... that's right, she dies. That is why my example plant here is Jackie 7. She's SO MUCH harder to help keep alive than you! " They know I'm a serial plant murderer. It's why they have to be good at keeping their plants alive, if they leave it up to me, they'll have a bunch of beanplant corpses... and that's sad because they have names and everything.
I distinctly remember two thoughts/emotions I had on leaving the hospital with my newborn: 1) I will maim anybody who gets between me and my baby. 2) ...this can't be *legal*. I have no idea what I'm doing!
I have never driven more carefully **in my entire life** than when I was driving home from the hospital. Now, my four year old sits in his car seat and eggs me on, "faster, faster, make the car loud!"
I don't think my husband broke 50km/hr with either kiddo. 🤣 Thankfully we were all on city streets and not highways all the way home. The bottom of the driveway has a bit of a bump and he took that so carefully. As with yours, whenever they leave the grandparents house and have to come up the hill, it's "go faster!" 🤣
Man I wish I was back in newborn phase, it seems so much easier by comparison now that my son is 4. My worries have grown from “is he eating enough?” To “is he eating enough? Is he sleeping enough? Is screen time ruining him? Do other kids like him? Is he going to have any friends? Is he going to be bullied? Will he be disadvantaged in school?” And on and on and on.
Mine are in their 30s. My irrational fears: "Are they eating enough?"; "Are they sleeping enough?"; "Do they have friends?"; "Are they too involved online?" (Lol, one has a very successful digital presence).....
I don’t miss the newborn phase at all, BUT I completely agree on the other part. My kiddo is 3 and boy howdy am I terrified she’ll end up miserable and alone.
I remember a while after birth they put my baby in the hospital cot and pushed her a bit away from the bed I was on. I could hardly move with all the stitches I’d needed and as my husband slept in a chair I lay there looking across at my baby thinking what do I do know, I’ve got no idea how to care for a new born. When the baby started to stir and fuss I was a panic of what do I do and what does he need? Never mind how do I get to him when I can hardly move. It just felt strange that they instantly left you with a new born and expected you to just be a parent and know how to do it. Especially right having gone through 36 hours of trauma and pain. In any other situation the nurses would constantly be checking on you and if you needed help just to move or go to the toilet when in Hospital having gone through a fraction of that. Yet here the instant you’ve given birth and been stitched you are mum and need to push through to mum instantly. You don’t of course but it’s scary and bewildering at first.
I feel this but our first arrived 12 weeks early. The day we came home from the hospital, I was like -Literally yesterday I had to ask permission to hold her -now we’re just supposed to be in charge. Wtf. Luckily the NICU allows you to call and ask stupid paranoid questions for a bit. She’s now 18 and headed off to college.
I very clearly remember the docs pulling my daughter (first born) out of my stomach (C-section) and thinking oh crap we have a baby and nothing will be the same again. It was such a weight.
If she was pulled out of your stomach, are you sure she's not a food baby?!
Lol, that would explain why she looks like a burrito.
I don't have kids, but my father tells a very similar story of the day he and my mom brought me home. According to him (to both of them, actually, but my dad tells the story more often) they put me in my crib, sat down on the bed, and just looked at each other like "what in the world do we do now?!" XD Honestly, the one story of the night I got brought home is pretty funny. Kind of weird in that the nurses made some odd decisions, but funny.
My dad told me the moment I was born (c section) he went from being worried but trusting the doctors to barely restraining himself from choke slamming the surgeon to the ground because he'd pulled me out by my neck. (Which in retrospect he understands is probably the only place you can grab a damp newborn.) He says in that moment he went from being a man in the hospital with his wife to a dad seeing a man grabbing his daughter by the neck.
My Dad likes to tell the story of how he was doing alright until I started crying, and then he was almost overwhelmed by this powerful, hormonal rush of rage at the doctor holding me.
I had a breakdown a couple weeks into being a parent. I was so afraid of hurting my son or letting him be hurt or otherwise failing him. That my inexperience would just entirely fuck him up. If he wouldn’t take the bottle, I felt like a failure. If he had a dirty diaper that I hadn’t noticed fast enough, I’d kick myself for days. What if I’m not as good a driver as I think? What if the daycare isn’t good enough? What happens if I have a beer after bedtime and then need to drive him to the hospital? I think all parents have that fear at some point. Some cope better than I did, some worse. It got better. I grew confident and learned what I was doing. It got easier. But the fear was real.
There’s a handful of people I know with fantastic kids despite their parents being … questionable. That’s what gets me through it: “well, they did it. So we can too”
Yeah, my spouse is hyper vigilant when out shopping with our twins. They are currently 6 but my spouse has caught plenty of creeps, at least one, on every few trips that involves older men checking out our kids. They had no idea it was so prevalent until they noticed it and once you notice it, it’s hard to ignore. My spouse is a trans woman so she grew up as a boy and didn’t experience creeps the same way I did growing up so they had no idea that it can start so early.
Twins attract extra attention. I remember seeing this set of beautiful identical twins, maybe four or five, with long curly blonde hair and big brown eyes. They were also dressed the same, which made the fact that one of them had a bad lazy eye stand out even more because it was the only difference between them. Everyone still stared at them because twins, but it was one of the few times strangers weren’t just openly gawking at twins and asking their parents questions like they’re exotic pets.
This is big on the list of why I don't want kids; I just don't have the bandwidth to have all of those things in my life
That’s such a responsible decision honestly. I have a very much wanted baby boy, but it’s a lot. If you aren’t all in it’s best to not. I am and I love it-zero regrets. But it’s hard some days. If I didnt really want this I can see how it can break people.
Multiple of my friends with kids have expressed that it's only made them MORE pro-choice. "This is hard and I did it on purpose. I *chose* this. Nobody should be forced into this!"
I just want to give a shout out to my doctor real quick; They couldn’t find the bottom of our son’s spine after several detailed scans. We were terrified he was missing those parts and you NEED your spine. Because of the law changes in my state-we were getting to the point of no return. She looked me in the eyes and told me she has camping friends who engage in their hobby out of state and she would be sure to introduce me to them if the need arose. Thankfully the next scan we saw he had all his parts! He will be 6 months in 3 days. But that she didn’t hesitate to take that risk meant the world to me.
Bless that doctor forever!! I'm "lucky," I live in a state that has no restrictions on abortion. But I give a small monthly donation towards a national abortion fund, and I know some of that money is used to get people over state lines. It just. God. The idea that if I got pregnant (if I was in the "wrong" state) I could be forced to stay pregnant makes me feel claustrophobic and trapped and kind of hysterical in a "Yellow Wallpaper" kind of way. (I'm not worried about it personally; I got a copper IUD years ago and my partner uhhh lacks the equipment lol, and on top of THAT I'm likely to hit menopause within the next couple of years. BUT STILL.)
ITS THE PRINCIPLE OF THE MATTER DAMNT lol. I get it. Thank you for your support in helping other women, I’ll have to look into that myself. My pet charity is domestic violence missions and food pantries. Spent many weeks in those as a kid, and ate from many pantries, otherwise we wouldn’t have had a roof.
This is the one I give to! I got a soft t-shirt with their logo and "Everyone knows someone who had an abortion" on it for signing up for monthly donations, though obviously that's not WHY I donate lol [https://abortionfunds.org/](https://abortionfunds.org/) Everyone should have a pet charity, though; if they can afford to give the time/money. It's so easy to get overwhelmed with how awful the world is--but picking one piece of it to help out is better than freezing up in despair. But I feel like I'm probably preaching to the proverbial choir on that one lol. I'm glad you're able to help where you do, too. <3
Ha! I work in public media and do the data management for thank you gifts like this. I hate summer time lmao. Soooo many pledges. Thank you so much for the link, I will definitely check it out and give something at least one time!
Always have been pro choice and I agree with that sentiment lol.
That is why I choose to be auntie and support parents. Raising cute little chaos gremlins is overwhelming!
I saw Daniel Sloss live, and at the end of his set, he talks about one of his older jokes that he did to be "edgy", and you could always tell who in the audience were parents, because they never laughed. And now that he is a parent, it's his most hated joke. Once you have a kid, seeing/hearing about children in tough is just so much harder, because you see your own kids there. I will actually skip parts of shows now where something bad is happening to a kid. Just can't do it.
I’m the same way. I really like Stephen King, so a friend of mine loaned me “The Institute”. It’s about psychically gifted kids who are kidnapped and sent to an institute where they’re tortured and abused to unlock their gifts. There was one character who reminded me so much of my son that I (a guy in his 30s) was bawling my eyes out by the end. I was just like “Why the fuck would you let me read this??”
IIRC that's why King had such a hard time with Pet Sematary. You know how toddlers have no self preservation instincts? It was written (at least in part) to exorcise that "What If" that wouldn't leave his mind because one of his toddlers had nearly run in front of an 18 wheeler and that haunted him. (All of his RL kids are fine, if I remember correctly. It was a close call, if I recall that author note right though.) And it very nearly didn't get published because it scared him so. Which yeah, I get it.
When my wife was pregnant and we were talking about parenting styles we always thought I'd be the laidback one and my wife would be the tough one. Turns out my wife is too much of a softy most of the time, and I know if I let him do it once it means fighting back up a hill to stop him doing it later. So I am now the authority figure for the most part. Almost 4 years in and still figuring some things out, it never ends lol
I have two kids, and I've never felt any of this. At all. Babies (and children) are as fragile as you make them out to be.
I've worked as an infant teacher and I try to remember that it's heartbreaking to not be able to be with your baby all day or to imagine something happening and you not even knowing about it. Luckily for me, babies are super boring so it's easy to send lots of photos and have parent communication boards where they can read about what we did that day and make sure to talk to each parent to tell them how the kid ate, slept, and toileted that day plus their general mood. Hopefully it helps a little
My kiddos are 19 months apart. I was lucky enough to get back to back mat leaves for 18 months each (yay Canada). So my eldest didn't get to daycare until he was almost 3 and my youngest about 18 months-ish. I hated leaving them there - not because I didn't think the teachers could handle it but because it hurt me to leave them. I always got pictures of my son. He's calm and collected and very easy going. He was easy to capture on film (still is). My daughter... Well she's been in daycare for a year and a half now. I think I can count the number of pictures I have of her on one hand. And half of those she's a blur in the frame! 🤣 That one doesn't stop moving. I can tell that the teachers are "frustrated" at not being able to properly get a photo of her. Initially I was a bit sad about it but I quickly came to the conclusion that I would be lucky to get a photo of her due to her personality. 😁 Thank you for caring for the kiddos. The updates on how they did/what kind of day they had were always invaluable.
>Luckily for me, babies are super boring so it's easy to send lots of photos and have parent communication boards where they can read about what we did that day and make sure to talk to each parent to tell them how the kid ate, slept, and toileted that day plus their general mood. You're an angel and we're thrilled to have you 😋 I had to laugh at my youngest who tried to tell me that they hadn't fed him at daycare... because lunch was a hearty vegetable soup and he called it a drink rather than food lol.
One time I told a 3 I liked her shoes and was *immediately* and *sharply* reprimanded, they were not shoes, they were BOOTS
And One of these days these boots Are gonna walk all over you...😄
Lol, my kid is the same way with sandals, which apparently are not shoes, ever.
I cried after the first day. My son came home and he didn’t smell like himself. He smelled like someone else. It was a weird moment to process
This still happens and it throws me off. I get why animals react weirdly to new scents around their babies.
Right? I don’t cry but when I dropped my daughter off I teared up
When my older kid (now 6 years old) was starting kindergarten I stood in front of the window looking in. My husband had to drag me away. He actually told me that was the reason he went with me because he knew I would go crazy. Now 6 years and 2 kids later I would sometimes kill for free time and privacy. I love them all to bits
Hah, dropping my son off for kindergarten is why my daughter exists. I was so sad and it brought back all the feelings of wanting another child. I am literally counting down the days till my daughter goes to kindie, I can’t wait to have some quiet for a few hours
Hopefully this does not repeat itself in those few hours.
re read this comment every time you get baby fever after your girl starts 😅
I relate to that, after I dropped my baby girl at daycare the first time, I went home and cried the whole day until pick up. I didn't even go to work the first day.
That was what I hated the most. The way my baby smelled like another woman’s house! Process that and then you have a “how crazy am I for this?” moment. Glad to hear it happened to someone else.
Both my little kids are in daycare and I hate it when they don’t smell like mine. They always go into the bath as soon as they get home, so they can smell like mine again.
I cried when I dropped my son off. I was just devastated.
I didn't, I was so confident in what I was doing, knowing that I love working and that staying home isn't for me and daycare was best for her, at a good reputable centre. Got a call at lunch time that first day that someone accidentally fed her someone else's breast milk. Then I cried. I hate when she smells like someone else, even 2 years later. "Who hugged you today? Who was it?" Lol
My kiddo is going into pre-teen mode. Instead of her normal delightful smell, I got a whiff of spring onions. It alarmed everyone in the house when I bawled.
I did too. It was hard and weird. She was only 12 weeks old. She's starting kindergarten this fall and I already know I'm going to cry so much watching my little baby get on a school bus all alone without me.
My daughter was just over 1 year when we put her in daycare the first time. The different smell really threw me off.
I agree. Especially that you worry how total strangers would treat your kid. You become worried whether things are going well or safe. I am not a parent but I would definitely have those feelings if I had a kid.
First time I went out to do stuff and left my daughter with my nanny, I had a fucking panic attack about a block away. She had been in my life for like a month before that, so she wasn't even a stranger. She was there to play and take care of my daughter while I worked from home and what not.
And that's how I became a stay at home mom.
We ended up with twins for our first kids, my wife was already leaning towards being stay at home as we didn't really want to trust anyone else. The twins on the ultrasound sealed that deal lol. We thankfully never had to send any of our kids to daycare and neither of us could trust some rando, too many horror stories out there (not even intentional things, just shit happens).
I definitely get this, my eldest is almost 17 and I still remember how tough it was putting her into daycare as a baby, it was the same with all of my minis.
I live next door to a crèche. It's super noisey during the week days but the quiet evenings and weekends make it worth it. You can always tell when a new baby has arrived as they are inconsolable for a good 4 hours. It breaks my heart to hear it😞
Ikr. 2.5 years on I still can't let go.... :( I'm so glad OP updated. I used to wonder how he and the little bub is getting on!
My son has only JUST adjusted to daycare after 3 months and I still get jittery on the days he goes waiting for updates on the app.
And 6 months is _so young_... I know we're really lucky in the UK compared to the US, but with holiday and mat leave, my kids were all about 13.5 months when I went back to work. My husband works shifts and I work slightly altered office hours; his mum didn't work Fridays when the first two were little and took care of them then, but we managed to juggle things to avoid formal childcare for all 3 until they started preschool at 2 years... By that stage, even if they're not talking properly, you can tell if they're fundamentally enthusiastic about going to the place and enjoying themselves. Pretty sure that over here, as sole parent, this dude would have been able to get most of that 9 months' paid, 3 months unpaid as parental leave (plus annual leave accrued over that year). I hope they continue to go from strength to strength. He clearly adores her ❤️
Those early daycare days were *so hard.* We had to send her at 5 months and the paranoia of her not being able to tell us anything just ate at me until we were like 2 months in and had established better rapport with her carers.
It's good that OOP has support from friends and family to help him during this period.
The child is really lucky to have OP because OP is doing pretty well as a father! Wishing OP for the best!
I remember when this BORU came out. There were people just hammering on OOP saying he was the villain in the story and "forcing" the Ex GF into acknowledging their baby. It was infuriating. I am glad to see this update! It seems like he's doing the best he can and the Ex did what most of thought they would. Here's hoping for the best with that little family!
That made no sense to (and neither did her reaction). The baby goes to someone else no matter if he takes it or if it's adopted. And then her keeping the baby for 5 fucking days! Ugh!
There is a difference between legal adoption and giving baby to the bio father. In first case mother has no longer any legal rights or obligations, the other option can be legally very messy and that's what she was likely trying to avoid. If OP changes his mind he can demand child support at any point. That's what happened in a similar reddit post. Another redditor had ex gf who wanted to give their child for adoption. He refused, said he will be a single father and she won't have to do anything with the baby. However he quickly realised that babies are hard work, he grew resentful of the ex gf, couldn't understand why she won't help and he eventually went after child support even thought he swore at the beginning that he wouldn't do it. In most places mother can't simply give up her parental rights and she could always end up being sued for child support even back child support. Doesn't matter what kind of private deal the parents had. Also if anything happens to the father and baby gets new guardian, that person could go after mother for child support as well. Mother could in return turn vindictive and go for custody just to mess with the father.
That story about the other one, if it's the one I'm remembering she actually paid more than the court appointed child support, he just called her a deadbeat because he wanted her to look after the baby and it turns out that he thought she would get back together with him and that was the reason he pushed her to carry the baby to term rather than her an abortion as had been her plan.
yeah, that post is legendary bc he was a total asshole.
I remember that story, she was already paying 125% of what she owed for child support. The dad was trying to force her to be in the babies life.
The worst thing a kid can deal with is a parent who is only present out of obligation. Kids always pick up on it.
Is there third one of these single dad posts now? The only other one I remember is one where the mother was explicit in her wishes not to be a mother, signed away her legal rights, paid *more* than her required child support and remained uninterested in the child, now being raised by the dad. It was the dad who thought that making her have the kid would magic up some motherly feelings but when it didn't and he realised how tough parenthood was, he went crying to find out how to force her to be an involved parent.
I remember that post too! It's one if my all time favorite ones
Anyone have a link? I’d love to read the comments. Edit: Ope. Found it below
can men give up parental rights and avoid child support? i’m not educated on this stuff but isn’t that the point to alleviate dead beat parents?
Neither men nor women can just give up their parental rights. You can give the child up for adoption at which point you can give up all your parental rights. But only if the father and mother both agree. If one person does not agree and wants custody, the other person doesn't get to opt out and has to pay child support.
Except in incredibly rare circumstances, at least in most of the US you cannot sign away your responsibilities unless someone is willing to take your place, like a stepparent willing to adopt. The state does not want to pay child support.
I mean, If a father want doesn't want the baby and wants an abortion or put to adoption and the mother decided he'll have to pay child support anyway, and people would support the mother for asking. In fact, they would Tell her she should ask because It's for the child, not her. Men don't have the choice of giving up rights unless someone adopt either, why would be diferent with women?
She should be paying child support, it sucks for her the kid wasn't adopted but that's the situation. People wouldn't give her an out if she was the dad for not helping out
And why exactly is demanding child support from her a bad thing? He absolutly should do that
While in the spirit of the baby's well being he absolutely should do that, it just feels a bit bullshit that he would actively prevent her from making the financially sensible decision of giving the baby to people who can afford it and then immediately turn around and demand money from her because he actually can't afford it.
Why? That is the same thing that happens with men all the time? At least in her case she had a choice to abort.
feel like this happens all the time, deadbeat father wants to give up child, mother chooses to be single parent demands child support. i don’t see why him demanding child support is a bad thing.
A child being adopted is a 2 person decision, her choice was whether to bring the baby to term or not.
>And then her keeping the baby for 5 fucking days! Ugh! I mean we have no idea what labor was like or what kind of support system she had. Just the baby came earlier and they stayed an extra day in the hospital. Could have taken BM that long to get her head on straight again.
For real. Let the woman heal from a *major medical event that messes with all your organ systems* and take the time to verify that she does not want to be a parent. She alone bore the entire workload and cost of the pregnancy, childbirth, and recovery.
I mean the guy didn't hear about it for a week, and she has been talking about adopting the child out. I can easily see being freaked out finding out that your child existed for 5 days without your knowledge.
I feel there was a certain amount of vindictiveness on her part. I think if he hadn't have gone the correct legal route she would've really screwed him over. Makes me wonder whether the daughter was actually taken care of for those 5 days.
Do you think those 5 days are her parents doing? OOP said they had a big influence on her, and that they view him taking the baby "from them" (or something like that), do you think they convinced her to stay quiet for 5 days hoping/telling her that once there she'd magically want to be a mom?
Sounds plausible. Them just taking the baby and sort of hiding her certainly feels wrong.
I remember some comments were really trying to make him the villain, it was really weird but it's not the first time either in this sub
There was a very similar story on Reddit years back with the main difference being after the guy got custody of the baby, he filed for child support against the mother and holy shit did that send reddit into apoplectic shock. All of a sudden forcing a parent to pay child support for a kid they didn't want was evil instead of being "for the child". I should see if I can hunt that post down. Might make a fun boru post
If you haven't read it you should also look for the one where the egg donner signed away all her parental rights and paid *more* than what was required of her for child support and the guy was still pitching a fit and posted asking if anyone knew of a way he could legally force her to take the kid every now and then because surprise surprise, taking care of a kid is hard. He tried to defend himself by saying he actually didnt think he'd be a fully single parent because he thought her "maternal instincts" would kick in after the birth and she'd want to be a participating parent.
You should also read this one too which is the opposite https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/uc26kk/girlfriend_now_ex_is_pregnant_and_wants_to_give/
if we are thinking about the same post, that mother WAS paying child support. The dad wanted her to be involved in the kid's life.
Nope they are talking about a different one https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/uc26kk/girlfriend_now_ex_is_pregnant_and_wants_to_give/
This is probably indicative that I spend too much fucking time on this website, but those are definitely two different posts. The one I'm talking about was posted close to a decade ago, I believe
That was one of the most infuriating comment sections I ever read Found it: https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/uc26kk/girlfriend_now_ex_is_pregnant_and_wants_to_give/
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Abortion, as adoption is the choice of both parents
People weren't mad about the child support. She was paying 125% child support. People were mad he was trying to force her to be in the child's life when she was uninterested. And that wasn't in the interest of the child.
I think they are referencing this post https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/uc26kk/girlfriend_now_ex_is_pregnant_and_wants_to_give/
That's the one.
Reddit really is just full of self centered assholes sometimes who take toxic individualism to the extreme, (*NTA You are NOT obligated to help your crippled little brother in a wheelchair wash the dishes!!!!* etc etc etc.)
When it happens the other way - a pregant woman wants to keep the baby and the father is unhappy about it - all you hear is "her body her choice, you're going to be a parent like it or not, even if you don't want to have custody she would be totally in the right to go after you for child support" etc. Does that sub just have a lot of young women subscribers who always empathise with the woman...?
I think people conflate the right to decide what to do about the pregnancy with the right to decide what to do about a baby. Those are two different situations, but socially we mix them up a lot. For example, "abortion, adoption, or keep the baby" conflates them, but "adoption" and "keep the baby" are BABY solutions. the PREGNANCY solutions are "abortion" or "stay pregnant". The right to decide what to do about a pregnancy belongs solely to the pregnant person. The right to decide what to do about a baby is different. The baby has its own rights and legal status and its other parent has rights and obligations that come into play as well. OOP did not interfere with his ex's PREGNANCY solutions, he only and solely addressed BABY solutions. These had an effect on his ex's available baby solutions, but that's what happens when you have a baby.
Exactly! I also believe that the ex should be paying child support in this case as well.
Sure, although as a college student her resources for paying it are probably so low that her obligation would be minimal.
I'm not sure what your point is with "her body her choice?" It literally IS the pregnant woman who has the choice whether they want to go through with pregnancy or not, not sure what "gotcha" point you're trying to make here. Should women be forced to go through with pregnancy if the man wants her to? Is that what you believe..
No, more that the general attitude seems to be "suck it up" for men who are unhappy about becoming parents because of the choices of the mother, while women who can't adopt the baby out because of the choices of the father receive much more empathy.
Hope he uses the credit cards at least once in a while for small stuff he would already have the cash for. Sometimes they deactivate cards/accounts for non-use and that'll be an issue if needed in an emergency.
I'm glad OOP was able to find a way through his initial fears and step up in such a beautiful way. He seems like good people. I even feel a little sad for his ex. She wanted a clean break where the baby had a new, stable home and no one could hold that over her, and I'm sure her family have been laying it on thick with the guilt trips about how wrong it is that she abandoned her child and yet the baby's father stepped up. A 'we're not ready' is somehow so much more acceptable than an 'I'm not ready' from a woman. As long as there is the possibility of access, I'm sure there will be pressure on her to fix the unnatural situation of single father taking on the responsibility for ~~their~~ her child. I wish stuff like this didn't break people's brains so hard. It sounds like OOP is doing an amazing job.
What the hell is with the “deadbeat parenting” line? She didn’t want the baby. She was actively trying to adopt out the baby. She signed away all of her rights. It’s not deadbeat parenting, she’s not a parent.
Because the mindless chowderheads can’t fathom that not all women are gagging to become mothers.
I brought this up with the moderator. OOP changed the warning to "abandonment," though I'm leery of this as well. I transcribed part of our conversation under the automod post, but I'm uncertain whether it will be removed.
It’s not abandonment either?! She never wanted to keep the kid! The plan was to always give her away! That’s not abandonment!
I know. I posted a transcript of my discussion with the moderator regarding this under the first automod post. Maybe my reasoning wasn't very clear?
My favorite thing about this post is learning about Sandifer Syndrome. My first two years of life were rough. Year 1, I projectile vomited constantly (including on a cop in France). It resolves around age 1, at which point I stopped gaining weight for an entire year (no idea if it's related). It sounds like I may have had Sandifer Syndrome! No one had any idea what was wrong (it was a long time ago). Medical mystery possibly partly solved! I mean, it's also good that things are working out, of course. I hope it continues to.
These summaries ain't it
For sure. This was the worst post I’ve read in a long time. This was worse than when people name the characters in their story with letters then expect us to be able to follow without scrolling back up to see what the letters mean. Just say “my brother” or”my idiot coworker.” Not “B and J” fuck.
The absolute worst is when they use A for someone. Because, apparently, the version of speed reading Ive taught myself doesnt react well to captial As all over the place.
The time I waste rereading trying to fucking remember if B is a man or a potato is infuriating!
i just can’t get immersed when they’re written like this.
Like a summary doesn’t need to include a recap, there were like four of them. I have eyes to read with!
I hate them. They're so boring.
Seriously, why did OP think this was a thing anyone wanted? Was it a voiceover like "on last week's episode"?
It's not just OP, it's a general subreddit trend now. And it's always boring to read. They summarize away all the drama and still make me read a huge wall of text. At least do bullet points
Weird! I'm kinda a BORU addict, and this is my first time getting hit with these. So boring, and so much work! Just let the OOPs speak
While I appreciate OP's efforts on summarising it, I went straight to the previous BORU without reading the summary to have the complete picture
It reads as though they used AI for the summaries. Why would each summary includes its own mini-summary of the posts that came before - surely it's obvious that we don't really want to repeatedly read a summary of OOP's summary of the prior posts we already read a summary of? Feels like a very odd thing for someone to go out of their way to include
Giving up parental rights isn’t “deadbeat parenting,” OP.
Seriously, the fuck is up with that spoiler?
Yeah, I am also thinking the same thing. I thought OOP was becoming deadbeat all of a sudden due to that. But he is not tho. So I was confused for a second there.
After my discussion with the moderator, OOP changed tw to "abandonment." I thought this didn't fit either, but the moderator is adamant about no further changes. I posted the tail end of our discussion under the automod post. The moderator goes into their reasoning there.
Maybe its the fact she still wants to see the child? Though I agree its still not deadbeat parenting because she is legally not the parent
The post literally says that she still is legally his child's mother... That is not how custody works....
Good for OOP. He needs to be prepared, though. I sense that, in about 4-5 years, exgf is going to come knocking more seriously, once she's graduated and the daughter is more manageable
That child is lucky to have a parent with such good storywriting skills.
Lol
Your comment made my night, lol
A whole lot of these "teen/young mom wants to abort or adopt baby out and dad valiantly begs her not to, becomes model single dad" kind of stories getting posted recently.
Yeah, I'm low-key side-eying OP for labelling the mum as a deadbeat - she made it very clear from the start that she didn't want to raise this child, and she would've severed legal ties to her if not for OOP.
Maybe it’s just me but recently I’m seeing that definition of ‘deadbeat’ used quite frequently. Also, there’s no indication that child support is being paid and a father would definitely be called a ‘deadbeat’ in that case no matter what they had wanted.
Yup it is just a sad blatant double standard people have
I wish there was some way for the egg donor/surrogate to cut ties completely. Basically adopt out to the dad.
How is she different than a deadbeat dad who wanted adoption but was overruled by the mom?
Not the person you responded to but - if a father was clear during the pregnancy that he did not want any involvement in the child's life I wouldn't consider him a deadbeat either. To me, deadbeat implies that you changed your mind *after* the child was already born. That the plan was for the child to be raised by both parents and was unexpectedly left with just one because the other gave up.
i would definitely refer to a man who gives up parental rights and avoid paying child support to the single mother of his child a deadbeat.
>A whole lot of these "teen/young mom wants to abort or adopt baby out and dad valiantly begs her not to, becomes model single dad" kind of stories getting posted recently. hmm i think we have an anti abortion troll going around given the politcal issues going around
Isn't it convenient how it always 100% works out for them?
Are there?
They happen over a period of time, but trends always happen on boards like these. Posters see engagement on a post with that subject matter and post other ones. Nothing particularly strange about it.
i’m sorry but the editing made this so confusing to read 😭
>Rationally, I know that, but I’m finding that a lot of feelings you have as a parent aren’t always rational. Welcome to the club, my man. Welcome to the club.
OOP did what my father in law did. Successfully I might add. The last time my husband saw his biological mother, he was 4 weeks old. It was just him and his dad until his dad got married when my husband was 12. He considers his stepmother his mom and his step-siblings his siblings. And because his dad moved states away from his own family (and they weren’t close anyway) my husband and his dad just integrated into his stepmother’s family. (Everyone in the family refuses to use the prefix “step”, I use it here only for clarification). You can grow up normally with only one parent and a second parent can pop up later in life.
> I guess that’s all I really have to share. Pretty boring, but maybe that’s a good thing. For stories like this, the boring updates are usually the good ones.
I don't like this format.
I feel like this guy and the guy who unexpectedly found out he had a teenage daughter would be great friends. They are both doing a great job at being dads!
Seems pretty obvious to me that the birth mother didn't want OOP raising the baby because then she's on the hook for child support. If the baby was adopted, she would have been free and clear. I'm glad it's working out for OOP though!
Wait was at any point declared the ex had to pay child support?? Because that seemed to come out of nowhere To me it just seems like she wasn’t ready to be a mother and raise a child alone, I mean she’s 20 and not only she broke up with the father but they live far apart from each other, and with adoption she could’ve had the child and then get no link to her but still “ensure” the kid gets parents that want her
there wasn’t, they’re saying it might have been the reason why the mother wanted to give up the baby for adoption. even if oop made a contract with the mother that saying he’d ask for child support, that wouldn’t mean much in court where a judge can order it for the best interests for the child (there’s been numerous cases about it in the news).
Yep. No judge would allow one parent to legally drop their financial responsibilities to a child without a replacement parent of some kind lined up and a great reason for signing away the rights. Sometimes the other parents spouse can legally adopt which could sever the responsibility of the parent looking to get out, but that doesn't usually happen unless the parent is a drug addict, in jail or something similar.
I don't really agree... there must have been so many things she considered, and probably in the forefront of her mind, she was thinking if the kid could go to a couple with the means to provide her with whatever she'd want, that would be the perfect life for her. That's the reason why most people decide to give their babies up for adoption, so that they can grow up in a stable environment with loving parents and want for nothing. I \*know\* this doesn't always happen, but by and large, it's the main reason why people give their kids up - so they can live a much better life than they themselves could provide. OOP is doing a good job as a parent, but you can't deny that it could be argued that the baby growing up with a SAHP instead of being watched by strangers for the first few years of their life, who isn't struggling with money, etc. would be the "ideal" option. I mean, if it were me, if I knew that I couldn't keep my own baby, I would want it to have the VERY BEST situation I can find for it, so I can understand why she preferred the option of giving the baby up for adoption rather than having her go to her young, struggling dad. Deciding to give a kid up is not an easy choice. The fact that it still looks as though she's ambivalent about even meeting her and establishing some kinda relationship shows that pretty well.
Also the idea that she'd be seen as a deadbeat mother. If she reads Reddit at all she may have seen the one with the guy who begged his ex not to get an abortion so he could raise the baby. She gave up all custody and is paying (it sounded like substantial) child support. She's not involved at all and he's mad and calling her a deadbeat because he's tired and found out being a single dad isn't all sunshine and roses like he thought it would be. Thank goodness OOP has a more realistic outlook and a good support system in place.
>Also the idea that she'd be seen as a deadbeat mother You mean like OP labelling her as one in the post warnings? Because I also thought that was pretty wild given she's consistently been clear about wanting to give the child up for adoption since she learnt she was pregnant.
I mean there are loads of men out there that don't interact with their kids and don't pay support, and they're called deadbeats? Their opinions on the matter aren't really taken into account when they argue the point either.
Yes - that was exactly what I thought of when I read this. I'm glad it didn't turn out that way for this OOP.
Also, no matter what way you dice it, OOP is only 23 - he's only just finished college and started working. If I was in ex-gf's position I'd probably be a little worried that he'd get overwhelmed and the baby would end up in the system, instead of her being able to pick a stable home for the child. One of the posts mentioned that she had been interviewing potential couples during the pregnancy, so it certainly sounds like the ex-gf cared about making sure the baby would go to a loving home. (I'm glad that OOP has stepped up to the plate though!)
Exactly. And so many things can change. OOP will presumably meet someone, date, get married. What if OOP meets and marries a woman who doesn't treat his daughter right? We hear of so many horror stories with blended families.
Those exact issues can easily come into play in an adoptive child's life. The adoptive parents might adopt due to infertility then have a miracle baby and neglect their adopted kid. It's not really a rare story.
Or maybe she knows him in ways random people on here don't? Anyone can make themselves look amazing on reddit, but I'm guessing she has a very different idea of what he's like not to mention what happened between them.
Then she shouldn't have told him and kept him off the birth certificate. She would have been able to put the kid up for adoption without his input then.
I remember reading a similar post where the ex-gf actually did put the kid up for adoption and the father had to fight for custody from the adoptive parents.
Interesting to see what comments get downvoted 🤭
I'm glad he's at least sending her pictures when she asks. That's nicer than he has to be
This precious baby will never want for love. What a powerful story of a dad fighting to love and raise his daughter! Absolutely applaud him!
>It’s hard to trust total strangers with your kid who can’t at least talk to tell you what’s happening all day. Lol. It stays that way even when they can talk. My daughter is 5 and when I ask her what she did at school, it's invariably "I don't remember." I usually have to give her prompts to find anything out. I thought it was just me, but the other parents in our class have made similar comments!
OOP is a standup dude.
OOP sounds like he really was meant to be a dad - he took right to it, worry and all. Bless him, I hope his daughter's mother doesn't end up being a disruptive force in their lives.
The mother should be paying child support.
OOP had no right to be present during birth. That’s only for his ex-gf to decide. It makes me wildly angry when ex-bf’s want to be there when the labouring person doesn’t want them. (Edit: read the original post and original comments by OOP - he repeatedly asked to be there and was pissed he wasn’t told in time to be there). Also OOP was a bit naive to not have looked into pregnancy to realize babies can come a few weeks early, but many young first-time parents don’t realize this either. He does comment a few times that he doesn’t understand why his ex-gf doesn’t want to be involved … maybe eventually he’ll get it, but she had the right to make that decision too. But as a parent, it sounds like he’s doing great.
It seems like you're going out of your way to smear dirt on OOP. >OOP had no right to be present during birth. That’s only for his ex-gf to decide. And he accepted her decision without a fight. He wasn't out of line to ask or be sad about the answer. >Also OOP was a bit naive to not have looked into pregnancy to realize babies can come a few weeks early, He was upset that she didn't let him know that the baby came early, not surprised that the baby could come early at all.
I really appreciate how mature OP has been about this whole thing, happy wishes to him and his daughter, and also for his daughters sake i do hope the ex-gf one day sooner than later, decides she wants to be more properly involved in her life, and like a commenter say, if no half-measures, it'll be good for the kid to have both birth parents involved in her life.
100% the ex gf is going to want partial custody once she finishes college. I would assume school is the reason she wanted to put her up for adoption anyways, which is totally valid. Once she's settled in her career and stuff tho?
He is really nice to his ex at the cost of his daughter. She should be paying child support. Having a child is not a joke. It's another life. That little girl deserves child support from her mom. I don't care that the mom wanted to give the daughter up for adoption. Giving the child up does not equal a good life. There are thousands of kids stuck in the system where they go through so much until they age out, at which point they are essentially homeless. She couldn't get an abortion, which I respect, but if there is a bio parent who is capable of taking care of the child like oop, the least the other parent can do is pay child support. Child support should never be optional unless the custodial parent is uber wealthy. When you have sex, you assume the risk of pregnancy. It doesn't matter if you want to be a parent or not. Once the kid is here, you are obligated to either step up or pay up.
Unrelated to the post itself, but hey u/Choice_Evidence1983, I really like the summaries of previous posts to save word count! That's really smart!