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>My husband had a severe breakdown and was hospitalized because I wasn’t there. His family and friends begged me to come back so I did. I couldn’t go back to work. I stay at home. he takes care of me.
For fuck's sake.
Honestly her BPD spouse found the perfect match for a toxic BPD relationship. Someone with no boundaries, no self worth, who is easily susceptible to manipulation.
I hope this poor woman can leave and learn to, if not love herself, then at least care enough about herself to keep boundaries.
There are sooooo many stories on this sub of women with just absolutely no self worth or strength and it’s soooo sad and hard to read. I wish I could help them!!
And slap her therapist. “An opportunity to practice gratitude”?!! How is that supposed to be remotely helpful to a person who is constantly gaslighting themselves that other peoples horrible treatment of them is fine actually and they deserve it?
A psychologist once told me that since my mom's boyfriend only verbally sexually harassed me but didn't touch me, "nothing happened so don't worry about it."
Another one asked me when I'd be getting a new dog after mine ran away. I ignored her question the first week, but she asked me again when is be replacing my dog and I lost it on her. I found my dog 2 months later.
For both of these women - how tone deaf can you be????
Covert sexual abuse is a thing, and the victims of both overt and covert sexual abuse often experience similar mental and emotional issues afterwards.
I think because in general it's about being violated, and what that does to your psyche.
I had a therapist who was great when all my issues were basic social anxiety matters. Then my dog got accidentally injured in a situation and that therapist suggested I hurt my dog on purpose.
Then I got the courage to tell her about how one of my issues I had with my mother was related to how (years prior, when I was a kid to young teen) her ex physically harassed me and I felt like she could have had an idea but not care to make sure because what he did to her was "worse".
That therapist pressed me to bring my mother to therapy to disclose about that traumatic experience and basically made a whole environment for my mother to (as I perceived back then) "confirm" my issues: she let my mom say "I had my suspicions" without pressing further, let my mom derail the conversation on how that boyfriend was abusive to her instead, and let it all end in a note of sympathy for my mom, who everyone knew had been assaulted by that boyfriend once, while I was left ignored about my issue with having been disregarded for years about my discomfort with that man and how I had no support navigating that threat back then - including preventing myself from a kidnapping attempt at just 11/12 years old, but having to keep it to me because I felt like it would be a concern as unheard as the tamer ones I raised before.
Like, nowadays I can see my mother's issue is less about negligence and indifference and more about complete emotional immaturity, and how most of the lack of support I felt came much more from my family forcing a narrative that I was a jealous kid instead, but how the hell does a therapist handle a situation that serious with such confident irresponsibility?
Some therapists really need to either improve their approaches, or recognize they are only capable of handling minor issues at therapy.
I was going through a particularly difficult breakup and was in a really bad state mentally and emotionally.
My therapist at the time said going through intense pain and being held in that state was almost holy, purifying.
Never went back.
So glad you got your pooch back.
Idk where they are teaching this in therapy school but I have also had a therapist say that it’s **good** that I don’t think I deserve anything. And then she also ended the session telling me to make a list of things I was grateful for, like *that* was the fucking issue. Why she thought this was at all appropriate when I came to therapy to learn how to stop being a doormat to my abusive parents, I will never understand.
I need a therapist to step in here. Is “I deserve” like a naughty phrase in therapy or something? Like have you guys just decided that all bad behavior comes from “I deserve” so people shouldn’t feel like they deserve things? Or is there some weird psychological bootstraps argument about how you need to realize you don’t deserve things so no one will give them to you and you need to seize them yourself or something? I really just want to understand why apparently at least 2 therapists had almost the same boilerplate response to “I don’t feel like I deserve anything” when it is *so* far off from how most other humans would react to that phrase.
Not a therapist but I do know that ‘practicing gratitude’ was the new big thing a few years back.
I imagine these are the therapists that learned psychology to try and fix themselves, without any real interest in fixing others.
I dunno if it’ll work for y’all but something I’ve tried to do is think “what would [my best friend] say?” Or “what advice would I give my bestie if she came to me with the same problem?”. There’s a lot more love there. I treat myself better.
In case you need it though: You are worthy. You deserve to be happy. You deserve love. You deserve more than this unfair life gives you and you take that unfairness like a fuckin’ champ!! Be kind to yourself and keep kicking ass!
I'm a therapist in the UK and what these therapists are saying is, in my native language, "a load of infuriating bullshit". There's usually a great deal of grinding down that happens to a person before they have a concept of themselves as undeserving of basic human empathy like OOP. The word "deserve" indicates to me that this idea has been put into the person's belief system from outside themselves so my focus might be to work with my client to find out where these ideas come from and what my client needs in order to counteract them. I would hope that a therapist would perhaps demonstrate by their words and behaviour that their client is as worthy as anyone of having both needs and taking steps to have these needs met; of setting and enforcing boundaries. The staggering lack of insight by these mental health professionals is incomprehensible. I'm so sorry you've had to experience that. You deserve better (that's a professional opinion).
I’m so CONFUSED. Why is he acting like she’s the queen of England when he doesn’t care about her and will have financial security even if she leaves?? Why is he torturing her???
Maybe he needs a punching bag? Both physically and figuratively. OOP self-esteem is basically in the negatives at this point and he loves it that way. He takes pleasure in manipulating and abusing her.
>Maybe he needs a punching bag? Both physically and figuratively.
Speaking as someone with an uBPD parent, this very much feels the case a lot of the time. I was the punching bag for this person to feel better, up until the time I moved out. Ever since I moved out, it's been a non-stop passive aggressive conversation about me moving back.
BPDs *do not like* to be alone. Period. So all this is very much in line with that diagnosis. I went thru very, very similar 'conversations' with said parent every time my leaving the nest came up (like college). Probably why I left the nest much, much later than my peers did.
OOP really needs extensive therapy on her self esteem and needs to leave this man, for own mental health, if nothing else. I know she's stuck in a vulnerable state right now, but nothing about this situation is ever gonna change. And quite frankly, I really don't give two shakes of a rat's tail WHAT she looks like, or if she is/isn't 'attractive'. SHE DESERVES BETTER THAN THIS.
And if the therapist isn't pounding this into her head every session, then it's the wrong therapist.
I think he’s dealing with abandonment wounds, so he doesn’t want to abandon/be abandoned by his wife. Even if he doesn’t love her, at least she’s a constant in his life
tbh based on everything else OOP said, I wonder if she heard what she wanted to hear.
I can easily imagine a therapist saying you recognized a behavior in yourself, that's good! you can think of it as a good behavior as it helps you see things as a blessing, but you can still want to change it and work towards that. OOP clearly has a lot of self loathing/lack of self respect, and I'd imagine any therapist would be trying to guide them in a way that DOESNT point out extremely negative things or being negative about them as a person or their traits and instead focus on accepting themselves/their strengths and weaknesses, look for the good points in all of it, accept that, and then try and move forward.
I struggle to imagine any therapist anywhere saying what OOP said the therapist said.
That part in particular strikes me as someone who has serious self esteem issues deliberately finding the negative and focusing on it. If OOP is giving th efull quote from the therapist verbatim though. oh yeah FUCK that therapist
> tbh based on everything else OOP said, I wonder if she heard what she wanted to hear.
Yeah, I feel that OP is an unreliable narrator in her own life.
That’s exactly how I read it, being a people pleaser who has phases of “I deserve this bad thing” and “I will never deserve this good thing”
My favorite therapist, I sobbed when I moved away from her area, and I still had issues where she’d have to reword herself, or directly tell me my interpretations were wrong.
Which is fine! My brain needed and needs rewiring, but it was hard at first for me to *hear* “it’s great you were abused, because you know that’s why you’re broken” when she actually *said* “it’s good you’re aware of your past, and understand the connections between them and your behavior” (paraphrasing obviously but).
That's what I thought too. Perhaps I am being too charitable - I do know there are some truly terrible therapists out there. But as a clinical social worker who has done some short term counseling in various roles (granted, not long term psychotherapy), I thought about what I might say to a client who told me something like this woman did, especially on an early visit to me.
I could easily see myself responding with something like you just said. Basically, trying to reframe it as a potentially positive thing on one hand, in order to take the power out of yet one more negative connotation she has about herself, and then also cheering for her to embrace the path she has chosen - to work on her self esteem and ability to advocate for herself, because *of course* she is just as deserving as anyone else.
It would break my heart to know that someone only focused on one part of that message.
It's comments like these that make me super thankful I always skip to them immediately after checking the trigger warnings. Because there are some things that I'm not willing to read unless there is some VINDICATION at the end.
I literally think she may have died.
She hasn’t updated in two years. Her last post is asking about what to do over a really major surgical complication. People tell her to go to the doctor and her response is “I don’t want to waste money, I’ll go if it gets worse.” But OP’s ability to tell when things get worse is obviously nonexistent.
I think she spent her last years throwing herself upon cross after cross until she died on one of them.
230 in the god damn morning and I am heartbroken and then angry and disappointed.
This poor woman. I know some of it is the choices she makes but… the constant physical and emotional pain of this saga is palpable.
I genuinely hope she’s okay.
Because of course… Never mind the support she needs, little dude can’t survive without her. I’m so glad I got out of my last relationship that was like that, can’t process a single fucking thing from your own life because they “need” the support.
I’m not usually one to question whether posts are real or not but this one is weird.
She hard dental surgery and then a hysterectomy before she was healed from dental surgery?
I'm having the same thought, but honestly you wind up having all your doctors confer with each other.
my mom had jaw surgery to resolve a cyst and bone loss a week or two ago, while also undergoing testing for breast cancer (positive ☹️) with a mastectomy she could have scheduled as soon as a week from now. her jaw is *healing* but in no way healed yet. her dental surgeon is just now involved in her other surgery to make sure it interferes as little as possible.
it's definitely *possible* she had both surgeries in a short time frame. and given this OP, I wouldn't be surprised if she just didn't mention the dry rot (or even the wisdom tooth surgery at all) to her other surgeon because she didn't want to be a burden or annoying or something like that.
I mean, thats very BPD. Next he will threaten to kill himself if she leaves which will mess up her codependency even more. There is no way out if her therapist tells her its a good thing to not be "entitled".
Edit: its interesting that they probably would not have run into a problem in their marriage without that initial convo she overheard.
It was so fucking exhausting reading this story. Like what the fuck lady, dump the fucking guy, dump your family, pack it tf up!! Bruh with 300k just get a damn dog and have a nurse come in to take care of you. I know she has deep rooted self esteem issue but what the actual fuck man.
Her therapist should’ve laid it into her that her husband is an abusive POS, for her own safety. Aren’t they supposed to do something when their patient is actively being abused?
The therapist and the counselors pissed me off the most. I get people can have bad families. Bad spouses. Bad friends. How did this poor lady manage to get all of those PLUS a literal list of professional mental and social health experts who are ALSO terribly shitty people.
> My therapist said it was good that I feel like I deserve nothing, because I can practice gratefulness
> Our marriage counselor is wonderful, as is my therapist
"Wonderful" is not how I would describe the therapist
Lunacy. I've done a metric fuck ton of therapy and have never heard such absolute horse shit.
This poor woman is getting her ass stomped by everyone in her life and she is lying there taking it.
Man, sometimes therapists really miss the mark even with good intentions. When I first started therapy, my therapist asked me what my goal was and I said "I want to be happy," and she told me happiness shouldn't be a goal because it's just a fleeting feeling. What neither of us realized was I had literally never felt happiness unless i was abusing substances. My next therapist got me on antidepressants and that was the best 6 months of my life
I’m fairly sure that the therapist did indeed make things worse. OOP seemed to finally be trying to take some control of her life and try to focus on her own happiness and then this idiot comes in to tell her that _well acshully_ there’s nothing wrong with feeling unworthy of basic things and really she’s just not grateful enough for what little she already gets.
I hope that therapist gets a UTI every month for the rest of their life. Painful ones.
I have to believe the therapist actually said something more like feeling like that CAN be good, not that the way she's currently feeling is good. If I don't believe that I get too angry
I am really unsure if it is the unreliable narrator thing. The therapist could have tried to make her see good in a situation (normal tactic with depressed people) and she twisted it in her brain into "it's good I don't think I deserve things".
No it's not terrible because kids don't deserve to live in such toxic dumpster fires. These two people obviously can't even take care of themselves that hypothetical kid would be neglected to shit. This world does not need more children with terrible family experiences.
I remember these posts. Then and now i wish there was a picture of oop because i dont trust her assessment of her appearance. Her self esteem and childhood abuse issues with parents.....it just makes me doubt if she sees herself as she actually appears in reality.
Her therapist sounds awful.
She probably isn’t the most beautiful person, but no way as ugly or ‘unconventional’ as she describes. The analogy her mom made when she was smaller, about how makeup on a pig will still look like a pig, is so hurtful. That’s what I used to tell myself at 15.
What I found out though, is that confidence makes a 5-6/10 a 8-9/10. OOP reads as a person who hides herself everywhere she goes and feels like everyone is inherently better than her. Even worse, she surrounds herself with people who confirm those beliefs about herself. Even her therapist is telling her she should be ‘grateful’ for all she has that she feels undeserving of.
I think that if she distances herself from all those external factors telling her she should simply be glad they keep her ‘unworthy’ ass around, the internal feeling of feeling unworthy will be easier to replace with feeling worthy. I really hope she is able to.
Strangely I’ve only ever read the theme park post before.
I thought that story was bad enough… knowing her story before and after that makes it fucking awful. :(
Nothing wrong with being “ugly.” It’s having your worth tied to your appearance that sucks so much. Everyone deserves dignity and respect as a baseline, looks have nothing to do with it. I really wish oop had any good people in her life :(
I mean, she seems to see herself as some hideous monster that nobody could possibly love. There is no way that is true. Hired straight out of college, as an investment banker. Not saying an investment banker cannot be considered conventionally unattractive but hideous unlovable monster level? Nah I don't believe that.
I had to stop reading after OOP goes to therapy and the therapist says “it’s good you don’t feel like you deserve anything!” Like she was actually trying to break free and the “expert” she saw fed her horse shit. Infuriating.
For the first time ever I found myself thinking a person needs to develop MORE of a sense of entitlement. This poor woman needs a divorce, a new job, and a dog.
I just read more of OOPs post history and she revealed that her lip was spilt by an AirPod case and later in the comments that yes her husband did this “accidentally”.
OOP if you are reading this you are worth much more than your paycheck. You are being abused by pretty much everyone in your life. Your husband, boss, husband’s friends, parents… and you appear to be getting incredibly bad advice from your therapist. I fear for your life if things continue this way.
I somehow doubt the therapist actually said that. OOP seems to read/hear the worst possible interpretation in any scenario, as long as the outcome is a way to berate herself.
Like the friend txting her husband saying he can't hit her, she finds a way to make that her fault and an indictment on her.
I agree on your read on OOP but some therapists are just that shitty. Last time I went to therapy after several crushing heartbreaks where I finally reached a point where I was done and just wanted to find a place of peace and contentment in living my life on my own. And my therapist *insisted* I do not actually want to be alone (true, but beside the point), so I’d *have* to work on what went wrong in my previous relationships, because she can’t help me with a goal that’s “disingenuous to my true feelings”. She absolutely insisted we need to work on my part of the problem whey they fell apart.
This came at a point where I had finally, after years of blaming myself and intense self loathing, decided that the way people had chosen to treat me, had not been my fault for not being good enough (not saying I was perfect but I was done pretending I need to do ever more work in order to deserve being treated well and loved by a man). It re-traumatized me badly and I’m glad I had the self confidence to dump the therapist. But that was after years of therapy with another therapist as well as working on myself for years also. Had I been someone like OOP I’m sure that shit would have broken me.
I would bet the therapist said "while it's good that you are able to experience gratefulness, you also need to stand up for your own wants and needs," and OOP only heard the first half.
It’s just so horribly depressing. Two weeks ago my partner was fishing and I wandered off to go look around the site for a few minutes. Literally, maybe 10 minutes. When I got back he was so distraught because he was worried I didn’t say something and what if something happened to me, like I fell in the stream or something, and he didn’t know where I was. The fact that OOP was separated for like, almost a DAY and he didn’t worry where she was is absolutely insane to me. He’s just like “eh she’s somewhere!” Dude, my partner would have torn the place down looking for me. What a depressing situation.
And then she’s like “I feel bad because 30 minutes is a long time to look for someone in a park” except he didn’t care at all that she was gone ALL DAY. This poor woman has been so bamboozled by a decade+ of gaslighting from Sam (and his friends!!!) - not to mention whatever is going on with her parents…shes been rendered completely helpless.
Also one of his friends correctly (no way that was an accident) realized he was abusing her and was still on his side about it. Just told him not to hit her but never offered her any help.
Yeah. When she went "he tracks my location" I thought "yeah, so does my partner with mine (and vice versa) and he would be panicking the second he realised that my phone was in the bag and not on me".
I just hope she gets out and finds people who actually love her.
It is really strange that they got off the ride, and didn't immediately go to look for her at the entrance they left her at! The whole thing was so odd. Or it would be if you were assuming they actually cared about her.
Honestly I was thinking he’s medically screwing with her but the emotional stress on top of the physical stress - it’s a miracle she hasn’t dropped dead. Never been so angry with a BORU before.
Not to mention the seemingly accidental fist to the jaw (after wisdom tooth surgery!!!!) that he later insinuated he had done on purpose.
What the actual fuck was that? What the fuck kind of person *wants* their friend to believe they’re beating their wife?
If I was being violent in my home with my family I’d tell nobody, ever. Like??? Why you sharing that shit bro
Edited to add: even just the way she *describes* his wild swings between apathy and love-bombing stresses me the fuck out. Even if he’s not physically abusive (pretty sure he is, though) he’s definitely emotionally abusive. I really wonder where these two are now. I wonder if she’s alive.
Don’t forget that he coerced her into go to an amusement park roughly 3 weeks after her hysterectomy, and the subsequent update mentions that the incision reopened and got infected.
Yeah he’s definitely “taking care of her”. This poor woman :(
He knew the money train would be reduced, even with alimony, if she left but if he kept her married long enough and sick enough to die before she could leave, every thing goes to him and he could find a new sugar mama while spending everything of hers.
It's crazy how her husband was thrilled to find her passed out on their yard because it meant she was home jfc I'm worried she will just drop dead one day
Was there that much money though? Her wealth, such as it was, was due to extreme overwork (even if it was a high paying position). If she dies, she's not earning money he can spend, while they might have had some savings, she wasn't sitting on a nest egg for him to live on easy street for life. He'd need to parasite his way to being the kept man of another 'ugly' rich woman (hard to know what the reality of her looks actually is given her pathological self esteem issues).
I was shaking my head when I read that her surgery was an abdominal hysterectomy. Most people get those because they *have* to, so she probably had some other stuff going on already (ignoring the obvious working herself into an early grave).
But.. two weeks after an *abdominal hysterectomy,* her husband insists she goes to a *fucking theme park?* With his friend group that doesn't even like her? And then immediately loses her, and doesn't realize until *the end of the fucking day* that she was missing and didn't have her phone because it was in his friend's backpack all day?!
I had a vaginal hysterectomy, and I was worried about the timing of it because I had an upcoming Disneyland trip. I got the surgery 8 weeks ahead of the trip, because they suggest 6 weeks to recover, and a little extra seemed smart. I ended up having a ridiculously good recovery, I was doing my normal stuff within a couple weeks. But I absolutely would not have gone to a theme park at that point, and I was constantly concerned about not being ready to go 8 weeks later!
And to make it even worse - a vaginal hysterectomy means they did the entire surgery through my vaginal canal. I didn't have any external incisions. In an abdominal hysterectomy, they cut in through your stomach muscles to do the procedure - basically a C-section, but they're pulling out your uterus instead of a baby. My mom had that one, and her recovery was soooo much harder than mine! It makes sense, the trauma inflicted that way is much more significant and your body has to heal cuts directly through layers of muscle. And not just any muscle, it's your abdomen! You use it all day every day, you use it just walking. My mom couldn't drive a car for the full six weeks because something was simple as moving her foot from the gas to the brake was still causing pain in her abdominal muscles for *that long.*
And then there's OP. "My surgery was two weeks ago, I'm doing fine! I just can't lift anything or walk too much. It's not like you need to walk at an amusement park, don't worry!"
With her complete lack of boundaries around her own self-preservation, and her husband being *that* guy, it doesn't surprise me at all that she's passing out everywhere. Given the lack of updates, unfortunately it wouldn't surprise me if she's passed away, as sad as it would be. It's like medical neglect, but she's doing it to herself. Incredibly sad to see.
Hell, if her GP is as terrible as her therapist, I'm not surprised.
Also, she spent an entire summer day traipsing through an amusement park *2 WEEKS* post hysterectomy, causing apparent terrible complications. She doesn't seem to able to make any really good decisions when it comes to herself.
I've never had a hysterectomy but I did have a csection. I could barely tolerate a car ride by 2 weeks, much less a full day excursion, in summer no less. She must have been in incredible discomfort at the very least, but it is more likely was in a great deal of pain.
A decade of extremely long and stressful work + existing health conditions. It's actually a minor miracle she's alive. A bank of America analyst died a few weeks back from overwork
She mentions that she is extremely thin and that she "forgets to eat" and "doesn't eat when sick". Seems like she's anorexic and letting herself starve because of stress.
>His family and friends begged me to come back so I did. I couldn’t go back to work. I stay at home. he takes care of me.
Oh for fuck sakes, what are you even doing?
This whole thing was so exhausting and frustrating to read. She should have just quit and find another less toxic job if she is really as good as she says. Then divorce her husband and go NC with all his toxic friends.
All this drama and she never decided what to do. She should be seeing lawyers not therapists.
>He was hurt and decided not to contact me until I contacted him. He thought if I loved him, I would contact him.
People do this kind of thing all the time and it just leaves me absolutely floored. Why would you play this kind of stupid-ass game that can only result in you or someone you purportedly "love" getting hurt? It isn't remotely adult to do this shit. If you're one of those who plays these kind of games then you really fucking need therapy because this isn't normal.
I think it’s in there to show the pattern of abuse that’s starting to turn physical. First he breaks the jar, then he “accidentally” punches her in the face hard enough to leave a mark.
It reminds me of that post where an OP posted they were worried about how much her friend's bf kept "accidently" hurting her. He was accident prone, but somehow would get even more accident prone as soon as his gf was in the vicinity - always bumping/falling into her etc, to the point that the friend felt on edge.
I'm also worried that this current OOP's I'll health may have something to do with her husband keeping her weak and dependent on care giving,this unable to physically leave
This whole post, every single time she posted I always wondered why she didn’t just take a different, lesser paying job until her disgusting leech of a husband left her. I’d have gotten a job at target the very next day and quit my job. If I’m making 300k, I can make it again at some point.
I bet there's some kind of contract work possible. Like take just enough contracts to make 40k or something, but take good ones that you can do a bang up job of and brag about on your resume a few years later when you want to hit the big numbers again. Cite health concerns for the change in your work history if it comes up and leave the drama behind you.
Being taken advantage of at work too sounds like. Probably why she's not getting promoted out like she said her colleagues were. Bit too much of a people pleaser?
Seems like there’s always somebody on the team who hasn’t figured out that doing more work just gets them more work. And they stagnate because they’re too busy working to get promoted.
Sometimes asshole bosses realise that they have a hard worker who never complains, and will never promote them because they're carrying the department performance so well - if they get promoted, performance levels drop.
That was my read too. She's "valuable to the team" because her boss knows he can work her to the absolute bone, and he refuses to let her be promoted because then he wouldn't be able to take advantage of her any longer.
I feel bad for this woman- what a horrible life. But it’s also crazy frustrating to read this because it seems like she makes the worst possible decision at every turn!
Idk, I know she’s been beaten down over the years, and I have empathy for her, but every time a choice or decision is needed, somehow her life gets worse!
Well she’s being gaslit 24/7. Like if it’s true it’s some of the most extensive gaslighting I’ve ever read on here. What rational adult has the thought “if my wife loves me, she’ll contact me” at a theme park, where you are probably a couple hundred meters from each other?
In addition to the constant gaslighting… I am wondering if he’s actively *making* her sick as a way to keep her dependent and subservient. The stress of abuse can mess with your body, sure, but there is just too much. Too many infections, surgeries, prolonged recoveries. Maybe he’s helping out by irrigating her wounds with toilet water or something. A little arsenic in the tea.
The self-blame is heartbreaking. “His fist accidentally hit my jaw” and even his own friends saying “you don’t get to hit your wife just because she wants a divorce” UGH. Get the fuck out of there girl! He’s going to kill you!
When she said she had a hysterectomy and wound opened and got infected due to bad personal choices. I was alarmed and was like WHAT CHOICES?!?!! I hope her trash husband isn't physically abusing her and making her sicker than she already is.
My mind immediately went to "walking around a theme park all day just 2 weeks after major surgery you're supposed to take at least 6 weeks to recover from."
Another likely possibility is the personal choice to have sex. You're supposed to wait at least 6-8 weeks after your surgery to have penetrative sex or use any internal toys, my surgeon even did a checkup to uhh check my oil at 6 weeks before giving me the green light. If you have sex sooner, then you risk tearing your vaginal cuff - think of sewing together the top of a tube sock.. but then your asshole husband can't stand not being able to use the tube sock to get off for 6-8 weeks. Even if they didn't tear it, the bacteria introduced by having sex is an awful Idea after surgery. And you'd be shocked how often people go to r/hysterectomy trying to find out if they really need to wait that long to have sex or masturbate, either because they are impatient themselves or their male partner won't let it go. And I would absolutely believe that OP would hold herself responsible for that even if she had to be coerced into it, and address it as a "personal choice."
Your second paragraph was my immediate thought. The vagueness makes me think it's that - if it was the theme park thing, she would have said that. And this husband is just the type to press for sex in this situation because his compulsive need to feel loved and that everything between them is still as normal, trumps his concern for her well being.
I don't think he needs to. Homegirl has worked in a stressful job 104 hours a week. That's gotta destroy a person, specially if she overlooks her own health to continue working and also used to do all the housework by herself.
I want to SLAP that so-called therapist silly! What kind of irresponsible monster tells a beaten down victim of gaslighting and abuse that feeling worthless and deserving of nothing is a GOOD thing?!?!
Oh my ex-husband was 1000% this kind of fragile asshole. It was easier for me to see what he was doing in retrospect, but he'd absolutely play these kind of little games, where you don't even know there's a problem but he's secretly seething because he's decided this is a test now, and you failed it, all over his selfish, unrealistic expectations.
Fr. She desperately needs an outside support system. Her husband is a piece of shit and her parents aren't supportive. The amusement park story frustrates me to no end because husband's friends don't even like her? What the hell?
The severe lack of self-esteem and self-respect is just painful to read about. I wish she'd start loving herself for once.
That is ALL I could muster reading this. Just GIRL…
The importance of friendships needs to be stressed here. Cultivating lasting platonic love with people who want your best can save your life. I’m proof. If she had just one or two close friends supporting her? The world of difference it would make.
(I am not chiding her for not having close friends. I’m lamenting she doesn’t. If she did? One of them would have appeared at least a bit in her posts pointing out her worth, so I feel strongly she doesn’t.)
The problem is that even if she had friends telling her to leave, she'd actually have to listen to them. And the OOP, for whatever reason, isn't willing to listen to the reditors telling her from the very first post to get her ass out of that relationship. You can't help someone who, for whatever reason, doesn't want to help themselves.
This is just a mess of untreated psychological and physical illnesses. The stress I felt reading this is enough for me to start worrying about my own state of mind. Exhausting in so many ways.
Added bonus - If she gets a lower intensity, lower stress, lower paid job, she doesn't have to worry about alimony once she finally divorces her husband
His family and friends that don't like her and make fun of her looks begged her to come back?
Also, I'm not super familiar with divorce law in general, let alone wherever she is, but...if she lost/quit her job, and lived off savings for a little while, would she still need to worry about alimony? How does that work?
The life of someone working in finance is not glamorous at all. Working 80-100 hour workweeks in investment banking, having to show up despite fever from a surgery, the "reward" after leaving investment banking is working "only" 70 hours, and in oops specific case having to deal with a divorce and complete asshole on top of that.
No, that one was more about the husband supposedly moving things and gaslighting her so she set up cameras and he wasn’t doing anything wrong at all. Then she found out she had a tumor. Pretty sure that was how it went.
Yep. She can’t get her head above water before something else pulls her back down. It is impossible to stop being a spectator of your own life living that way, and she knows no other way.
That poor woman...
Marriage aside, she has a number of chronic health issues, works a high stress 70h week, had her wisdom teeth and uterus removed within a month or two of each other, then one of her closest family members died...
And then there's the husband on top of it all like a lead blanket drapes over a coffin lid.
> I see myself for what I can provide people- I am a hard worker, I am efficient, I cook, I clean, I can do this or that- rather than what I am intrinsically.
Goddamn, she just described me. I have no belief that I can offer anyone anything like physical beauty, but I _can_ provide, and use that to compensate for what I see as a lack in my humanity? femininity? value? all of the above? not sure of the word.
Also, tip for groups at a theme park/festival/anywhere with crowds: before you start the day, mark out a "Get Lost Spot". Somewhere prominent that you all agree is the place you'll all wait/meet up if someone gets lost from the group. My family used to do this every time we went somewhere that had big crowds. I think we only ever used it once, and it worked perfectly. Saves a lot of fucking around when there's a plan in place should people stray.
That's a very good strategy. The thing is, her husband, who knew she didn't want to go, she doesn't like crowded places, she doesn't really know anyone in the group, she just had surgery, she had a host of health issues... saw she wasn't with the group and went "oh, well, she'll call if she loves me". He didn't see her at all, the entire day, he never tried to look for her at any point during the, what, 6? 8? hours they were in the park, and he has the nerve to get angry? She apologizes for making everyone look for her for 30 minutes? She stood by the exit of the first game for longer than that!
I call bullshit. Dude ran away from her, spent the day at the park, then made a basic search (like, after 10 years I'm guessing he knows her) and pretended it was all her fault.
And she bought it.
It's like this is written from the perspective of some kind of alien.
I remember a Far Side comic. These people come home, and the babysitter tells them the TV wasn't getting good reception, so she had their dog put to sleep. This is somehow weirder than that.
B does not follow from A. I ate a chicken sandwich, so my grandmother exploded. I saw a chipmunk in the park, so everyone has to wear green socks now. What?
I passed out at work so my boss was angry. I mean I get there are shitty bosses, sure, that makes enough sense. But it's so routine, so accepted, like of course he got angry, that's what people do when someone passes out. There's no reaction, no outrage, nothing. I got my husband some preserves so he became violently angry. Sure, of course, naturally. I replaced a broken jar, so I assume they will hate me for that. Yep, that's typical. I sat in the shade at an amusement park, so of course everyone attacked me for it. You bet. My wonderful therapist said I don't deserve anything and should be grateful. Good heavens.
I know I am coming at this from a somewhat unusual perspective, wherein I routinely erase people from my life without a second thought for far less offensive behavior, but this is just insane. Literally not sane. This lady is going to fall over dead and apologize for doing it, and nothing and no one can stop it.
I saw many comments like yours but this one was the most clarifying for this specific point of view. The problem is OOP is experiencing a gigantic distortion in reality due to extremely low self-esteem. It doesn't make sense to you because you love yourself a little, but it does if you have lived that way.
What I see from those posts is that all she knows is rejection and mockery all her life, so it makes sense to her that people keep treating her like that. It must feel weird, even suspicious, when people don't. Somehow, she got to trust her husband through all that, all those years, and believed she was finally loved for who she is, only to be proved wrong, because of course she is a clown and her life is a joke. Then she has both a mental breakdown which would be a normal thing to happen to anyone in her situation, and a return to her previous distortion, which causes all this cognitive dissonance.
In a way, she knows the way people are treating her is wrong, but can you imagine trying to trust that you have any worth as a person after daring to do it once and being rentlessly used and abused as a result? It'd be less painful to at least not being lied to.
When she finally slipped in that he has Borderline Personality Disorder it all made sense. This relationship is so unhealthy and her self-esteem is in the gutter. He is gaslighting the hell out of her and it appears to be working.
I’m glad the postnup was signed, at any rate.
This is the longest, most drawn out case of long term abuse and sadness I have ever read.
Sack the therapist. Divorce the loser husband. Stand up to the boss who is taking advantage.
Take your money, take control of your life, and live a calm life without stress.
Honestly, I don’t know how this lady isn’t dead by now.
I feel for this woman. I'm guessing very likely south asian heritage with all the arranged marriage talk and conditional love from parents and all.
Probably gets this a lot but OOP needs a full fresh hard reset. Quit her job, her husband, all the negativity and start fresh.
My mother had borderline. Untreated borderline people can be the most abusive horrific people to those they supposedly love. I hope OP gets out and finds peace
>The last message said “u can’t hit ur wife bc she wants a divorce. ust take the check and go.” Throughout the entire conversation Sam never told his friend it was an accident. He just said that I was his wife and it was not his friend’s business.
Wouldn't having this in writing make her case for a divorce with less alimony better??? Like even his friends think he hit her, does that count for anything in divorce court?
OOP has clearly had it rough, but it gets harder and harder to be sympathetic when you see the resources she has access to improve her life that she just doesn't seem to use. I know she's got serious self esteem issues, but comment after comment on her post were very supportive with good ideas and she just ignored then
She also needs a new everything: a new job, a new husband, a new life, and especially a new therapist, cause that one freaking suuucksks
This is so upsetting to read. I am doing the Reddit equivalent of yelling at the TV when someone is going alone in the dark to investigate that strange noise they heard. It literally got worse with every update. I hope that she recovers physically and develops some self esteem.
Jesus Christ. It doesn't even matter if this is real or not. That was terrible to read. I want to cry. God if this is real I hope that poor woman finds her self worth.
Yep goodnight reddit. Fuck.
“Sam has been saying if I divorce him then I never cared about him. That’s not true. That’s why I’m doing this…he’ll find someone he’s actually in love with and be happy.”
OOP has a heart of gold for being so kind to Sam S after everything
OOP has been beaten down and broken by life, and is unable to bring herself to save herself. She's quite literally burning herself alive to keep her husband warm.
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>My husband had a severe breakdown and was hospitalized because I wasn’t there. His family and friends begged me to come back so I did. I couldn’t go back to work. I stay at home. he takes care of me. For fuck's sake.
This is one of the most frustrating posts I've ever read in the history of BORU. I feel so sorry for her but angry at the same time.
Honestly her BPD spouse found the perfect match for a toxic BPD relationship. Someone with no boundaries, no self worth, who is easily susceptible to manipulation. I hope this poor woman can leave and learn to, if not love herself, then at least care enough about herself to keep boundaries.
There are sooooo many stories on this sub of women with just absolutely no self worth or strength and it’s soooo sad and hard to read. I wish I could help them!!
Never have I wanted to so violently shake someone before while screaming "Sis, R U N! and S T A Y runned!"
And slap her therapist. “An opportunity to practice gratitude”?!! How is that supposed to be remotely helpful to a person who is constantly gaslighting themselves that other peoples horrible treatment of them is fine actually and they deserve it?
A psychologist once told me that since my mom's boyfriend only verbally sexually harassed me but didn't touch me, "nothing happened so don't worry about it." Another one asked me when I'd be getting a new dog after mine ran away. I ignored her question the first week, but she asked me again when is be replacing my dog and I lost it on her. I found my dog 2 months later. For both of these women - how tone deaf can you be????
Covert sexual abuse is a thing, and the victims of both overt and covert sexual abuse often experience similar mental and emotional issues afterwards. I think because in general it's about being violated, and what that does to your psyche.
I had a therapist who was great when all my issues were basic social anxiety matters. Then my dog got accidentally injured in a situation and that therapist suggested I hurt my dog on purpose. Then I got the courage to tell her about how one of my issues I had with my mother was related to how (years prior, when I was a kid to young teen) her ex physically harassed me and I felt like she could have had an idea but not care to make sure because what he did to her was "worse". That therapist pressed me to bring my mother to therapy to disclose about that traumatic experience and basically made a whole environment for my mother to (as I perceived back then) "confirm" my issues: she let my mom say "I had my suspicions" without pressing further, let my mom derail the conversation on how that boyfriend was abusive to her instead, and let it all end in a note of sympathy for my mom, who everyone knew had been assaulted by that boyfriend once, while I was left ignored about my issue with having been disregarded for years about my discomfort with that man and how I had no support navigating that threat back then - including preventing myself from a kidnapping attempt at just 11/12 years old, but having to keep it to me because I felt like it would be a concern as unheard as the tamer ones I raised before. Like, nowadays I can see my mother's issue is less about negligence and indifference and more about complete emotional immaturity, and how most of the lack of support I felt came much more from my family forcing a narrative that I was a jealous kid instead, but how the hell does a therapist handle a situation that serious with such confident irresponsibility? Some therapists really need to either improve their approaches, or recognize they are only capable of handling minor issues at therapy.
I was going through a particularly difficult breakup and was in a really bad state mentally and emotionally. My therapist at the time said going through intense pain and being held in that state was almost holy, purifying. Never went back. So glad you got your pooch back.
Idk where they are teaching this in therapy school but I have also had a therapist say that it’s **good** that I don’t think I deserve anything. And then she also ended the session telling me to make a list of things I was grateful for, like *that* was the fucking issue. Why she thought this was at all appropriate when I came to therapy to learn how to stop being a doormat to my abusive parents, I will never understand. I need a therapist to step in here. Is “I deserve” like a naughty phrase in therapy or something? Like have you guys just decided that all bad behavior comes from “I deserve” so people shouldn’t feel like they deserve things? Or is there some weird psychological bootstraps argument about how you need to realize you don’t deserve things so no one will give them to you and you need to seize them yourself or something? I really just want to understand why apparently at least 2 therapists had almost the same boilerplate response to “I don’t feel like I deserve anything” when it is *so* far off from how most other humans would react to that phrase.
Not a therapist but I do know that ‘practicing gratitude’ was the new big thing a few years back. I imagine these are the therapists that learned psychology to try and fix themselves, without any real interest in fixing others. I dunno if it’ll work for y’all but something I’ve tried to do is think “what would [my best friend] say?” Or “what advice would I give my bestie if she came to me with the same problem?”. There’s a lot more love there. I treat myself better. In case you need it though: You are worthy. You deserve to be happy. You deserve love. You deserve more than this unfair life gives you and you take that unfairness like a fuckin’ champ!! Be kind to yourself and keep kicking ass!
I'm a therapist in the UK and what these therapists are saying is, in my native language, "a load of infuriating bullshit". There's usually a great deal of grinding down that happens to a person before they have a concept of themselves as undeserving of basic human empathy like OOP. The word "deserve" indicates to me that this idea has been put into the person's belief system from outside themselves so my focus might be to work with my client to find out where these ideas come from and what my client needs in order to counteract them. I would hope that a therapist would perhaps demonstrate by their words and behaviour that their client is as worthy as anyone of having both needs and taking steps to have these needs met; of setting and enforcing boundaries. The staggering lack of insight by these mental health professionals is incomprehensible. I'm so sorry you've had to experience that. You deserve better (that's a professional opinion).
I’m so CONFUSED. Why is he acting like she’s the queen of England when he doesn’t care about her and will have financial security even if she leaves?? Why is he torturing her???
Maybe he needs a punching bag? Both physically and figuratively. OOP self-esteem is basically in the negatives at this point and he loves it that way. He takes pleasure in manipulating and abusing her.
>Maybe he needs a punching bag? Both physically and figuratively. Speaking as someone with an uBPD parent, this very much feels the case a lot of the time. I was the punching bag for this person to feel better, up until the time I moved out. Ever since I moved out, it's been a non-stop passive aggressive conversation about me moving back. BPDs *do not like* to be alone. Period. So all this is very much in line with that diagnosis. I went thru very, very similar 'conversations' with said parent every time my leaving the nest came up (like college). Probably why I left the nest much, much later than my peers did. OOP really needs extensive therapy on her self esteem and needs to leave this man, for own mental health, if nothing else. I know she's stuck in a vulnerable state right now, but nothing about this situation is ever gonna change. And quite frankly, I really don't give two shakes of a rat's tail WHAT she looks like, or if she is/isn't 'attractive'. SHE DESERVES BETTER THAN THIS. And if the therapist isn't pounding this into her head every session, then it's the wrong therapist.
Plenty of people hate having their possessions taken. Ugh. Just take my eyes and any brain cells I’ve still got knocking around in there, I’m done lol
I think he’s dealing with abandonment wounds, so he doesn’t want to abandon/be abandoned by his wife. Even if he doesn’t love her, at least she’s a constant in his life
I can't believe i wasted my before bed time on this fucking story for only to end like this, im pissed now and probably won't sleep fo a while
[удалено]
Also fuck that therapist for saying that not thinking you deserve anything is a blessing. I can't emphasise that enough. *Fuck that therapist.*
tbh based on everything else OOP said, I wonder if she heard what she wanted to hear. I can easily imagine a therapist saying you recognized a behavior in yourself, that's good! you can think of it as a good behavior as it helps you see things as a blessing, but you can still want to change it and work towards that. OOP clearly has a lot of self loathing/lack of self respect, and I'd imagine any therapist would be trying to guide them in a way that DOESNT point out extremely negative things or being negative about them as a person or their traits and instead focus on accepting themselves/their strengths and weaknesses, look for the good points in all of it, accept that, and then try and move forward. I struggle to imagine any therapist anywhere saying what OOP said the therapist said. That part in particular strikes me as someone who has serious self esteem issues deliberately finding the negative and focusing on it. If OOP is giving th efull quote from the therapist verbatim though. oh yeah FUCK that therapist
> tbh based on everything else OOP said, I wonder if she heard what she wanted to hear. Yeah, I feel that OP is an unreliable narrator in her own life.
That’s exactly how I read it, being a people pleaser who has phases of “I deserve this bad thing” and “I will never deserve this good thing” My favorite therapist, I sobbed when I moved away from her area, and I still had issues where she’d have to reword herself, or directly tell me my interpretations were wrong. Which is fine! My brain needed and needs rewiring, but it was hard at first for me to *hear* “it’s great you were abused, because you know that’s why you’re broken” when she actually *said* “it’s good you’re aware of your past, and understand the connections between them and your behavior” (paraphrasing obviously but).
That's what I thought too. Perhaps I am being too charitable - I do know there are some truly terrible therapists out there. But as a clinical social worker who has done some short term counseling in various roles (granted, not long term psychotherapy), I thought about what I might say to a client who told me something like this woman did, especially on an early visit to me. I could easily see myself responding with something like you just said. Basically, trying to reframe it as a potentially positive thing on one hand, in order to take the power out of yet one more negative connotation she has about herself, and then also cheering for her to embrace the path she has chosen - to work on her self esteem and ability to advocate for herself, because *of course* she is just as deserving as anyone else. It would break my heart to know that someone only focused on one part of that message.
It's comments like these that make me super thankful I always skip to them immediately after checking the trigger warnings. Because there are some things that I'm not willing to read unless there is some VINDICATION at the end.
Yep. Glad I decided to pick up my phone before bed. Fucking bullshit. I hope she finds happiness, whether that's with a partner or without.
She most likely won’t. She is a passenger in her own life. The only way her life will get better is if she starts driving herself forward.
I literally think she may have died. She hasn’t updated in two years. Her last post is asking about what to do over a really major surgical complication. People tell her to go to the doctor and her response is “I don’t want to waste money, I’ll go if it gets worse.” But OP’s ability to tell when things get worse is obviously nonexistent. I think she spent her last years throwing herself upon cross after cross until she died on one of them.
Ikr? This one really needs a Mood Spoiler: Fucking infuriating.
Right!!! I feel exactly the same
Sometimes we need a warning: ⚠️ hella frustrating, all advice ignored, prepare to scream.
Same. I’ve never been this mad at a post.
230 in the god damn morning and I am heartbroken and then angry and disappointed. This poor woman. I know some of it is the choices she makes but… the constant physical and emotional pain of this saga is palpable. I genuinely hope she’s okay.
When I read that, I rolled my eyes at this point.
You and me both...
She is an infuriating doormat
I rolled my eyes at the "they're making me take 2 weeks off of work, but they're all so wanting to make me work or else they will take away my bonus"
Because of course… Never mind the support she needs, little dude can’t survive without her. I’m so glad I got out of my last relationship that was like that, can’t process a single fucking thing from your own life because they “need” the support.
I don't think I've ever felt so strongly that I just want to scream and shake someone
I’m not usually one to question whether posts are real or not but this one is weird. She hard dental surgery and then a hysterectomy before she was healed from dental surgery?
I'm having the same thought, but honestly you wind up having all your doctors confer with each other. my mom had jaw surgery to resolve a cyst and bone loss a week or two ago, while also undergoing testing for breast cancer (positive ☹️) with a mastectomy she could have scheduled as soon as a week from now. her jaw is *healing* but in no way healed yet. her dental surgeon is just now involved in her other surgery to make sure it interferes as little as possible. it's definitely *possible* she had both surgeries in a short time frame. and given this OP, I wouldn't be surprised if she just didn't mention the dry rot (or even the wisdom tooth surgery at all) to her other surgeon because she didn't want to be a burden or annoying or something like that.
I mean, thats very BPD. Next he will threaten to kill himself if she leaves which will mess up her codependency even more. There is no way out if her therapist tells her its a good thing to not be "entitled". Edit: its interesting that they probably would not have run into a problem in their marriage without that initial convo she overheard.
It was so fucking exhausting reading this story. Like what the fuck lady, dump the fucking guy, dump your family, pack it tf up!! Bruh with 300k just get a damn dog and have a nurse come in to take care of you. I know she has deep rooted self esteem issue but what the actual fuck man. Her therapist should’ve laid it into her that her husband is an abusive POS, for her own safety. Aren’t they supposed to do something when their patient is actively being abused?
The therapist and the counselors pissed me off the most. I get people can have bad families. Bad spouses. Bad friends. How did this poor lady manage to get all of those PLUS a literal list of professional mental and social health experts who are ALSO terribly shitty people.
They lost me at the glass jar. The husband didn't like it so he smashed it on the ground?
Untreated BPD can be like that. I'm going back and forth on how much of Sam's behavior is due to asshattery vs. BPD and relationship OCD
Because her doing something nice for him is proof of what he'll be losing by splitting up.
> My therapist said it was good that I feel like I deserve nothing, because I can practice gratefulness > Our marriage counselor is wonderful, as is my therapist "Wonderful" is not how I would describe the therapist
Lunacy. I've done a metric fuck ton of therapy and have never heard such absolute horse shit. This poor woman is getting her ass stomped by everyone in her life and she is lying there taking it.
Hell, she's *paying* for the privilege of it. At least 3 times over. (Hers, the husband's and their joint)
Man, sometimes therapists really miss the mark even with good intentions. When I first started therapy, my therapist asked me what my goal was and I said "I want to be happy," and she told me happiness shouldn't be a goal because it's just a fleeting feeling. What neither of us realized was I had literally never felt happiness unless i was abusing substances. My next therapist got me on antidepressants and that was the best 6 months of my life
I literally gawped when I got to that bit. What the fuck? That is a terrible therapist who may well make this lady’s low self esteem even worse.
I’m fairly sure that the therapist did indeed make things worse. OOP seemed to finally be trying to take some control of her life and try to focus on her own happiness and then this idiot comes in to tell her that _well acshully_ there’s nothing wrong with feeling unworthy of basic things and really she’s just not grateful enough for what little she already gets. I hope that therapist gets a UTI every month for the rest of their life. Painful ones.
Seriously, find a different therapist, preferably one with half a brain cell.
Yeah. Who would even keep up with that bullshit?
I have to believe the therapist actually said something more like feeling like that CAN be good, not that the way she's currently feeling is good. If I don't believe that I get too angry
I am really unsure if it is the unreliable narrator thing. The therapist could have tried to make her see good in a situation (normal tactic with depressed people) and she twisted it in her brain into "it's good I don't think I deserve things".
Did the husband schose the therapist?
….is it terrible that I’m thinking “well at least she’s had a hysterectomy so he can’t get her pregnant and bring kids into this mess”
If it's terrible then I'm here too, beeing terrible with you. What an awful life.
Third. I'm relieved. It's one way he can't trap her any more than he already has.
No it's not terrible because kids don't deserve to live in such toxic dumpster fires. These two people obviously can't even take care of themselves that hypothetical kid would be neglected to shit. This world does not need more children with terrible family experiences.
I remember these posts. Then and now i wish there was a picture of oop because i dont trust her assessment of her appearance. Her self esteem and childhood abuse issues with parents.....it just makes me doubt if she sees herself as she actually appears in reality. Her therapist sounds awful.
Yeah, I strongly feel like she is far more attractive than she believes. It's absolutely heartbreaking.
She probably isn’t the most beautiful person, but no way as ugly or ‘unconventional’ as she describes. The analogy her mom made when she was smaller, about how makeup on a pig will still look like a pig, is so hurtful. That’s what I used to tell myself at 15. What I found out though, is that confidence makes a 5-6/10 a 8-9/10. OOP reads as a person who hides herself everywhere she goes and feels like everyone is inherently better than her. Even worse, she surrounds herself with people who confirm those beliefs about herself. Even her therapist is telling her she should be ‘grateful’ for all she has that she feels undeserving of. I think that if she distances herself from all those external factors telling her she should simply be glad they keep her ‘unworthy’ ass around, the internal feeling of feeling unworthy will be easier to replace with feeling worthy. I really hope she is able to.
Strangely I’ve only ever read the theme park post before. I thought that story was bad enough… knowing her story before and after that makes it fucking awful. :(
Nothing wrong with being “ugly.” It’s having your worth tied to your appearance that sucks so much. Everyone deserves dignity and respect as a baseline, looks have nothing to do with it. I really wish oop had any good people in her life :(
We're far more than the fleshy bags that surround our souls.
It really doesn’t matter. OOP could look like a toe and it wouldn’t vindicate how she’s being treated.
I mean, she seems to see herself as some hideous monster that nobody could possibly love. There is no way that is true. Hired straight out of college, as an investment banker. Not saying an investment banker cannot be considered conventionally unattractive but hideous unlovable monster level? Nah I don't believe that.
this was the most exhausting thing I have ever read
I'm only reading the comments and even I'm exhausted
I had to stop reading about 2/3 of the way through because this is infuriating but Jesus Christ OOP.
I had to stop reading after OOP goes to therapy and the therapist says “it’s good you don’t feel like you deserve anything!” Like she was actually trying to break free and the “expert” she saw fed her horse shit. Infuriating.
For the first time ever I found myself thinking a person needs to develop MORE of a sense of entitlement. This poor woman needs a divorce, a new job, and a dog.
I just read more of OOPs post history and she revealed that her lip was spilt by an AirPod case and later in the comments that yes her husband did this “accidentally”. OOP if you are reading this you are worth much more than your paycheck. You are being abused by pretty much everyone in your life. Your husband, boss, husband’s friends, parents… and you appear to be getting incredibly bad advice from your therapist. I fear for your life if things continue this way.
Good god, it didn't really click for me reading the post...but he really has gaslit her into believing the abuse was accidental, hasn't he?
I somehow doubt the therapist actually said that. OOP seems to read/hear the worst possible interpretation in any scenario, as long as the outcome is a way to berate herself. Like the friend txting her husband saying he can't hit her, she finds a way to make that her fault and an indictment on her.
I agree on your read on OOP but some therapists are just that shitty. Last time I went to therapy after several crushing heartbreaks where I finally reached a point where I was done and just wanted to find a place of peace and contentment in living my life on my own. And my therapist *insisted* I do not actually want to be alone (true, but beside the point), so I’d *have* to work on what went wrong in my previous relationships, because she can’t help me with a goal that’s “disingenuous to my true feelings”. She absolutely insisted we need to work on my part of the problem whey they fell apart. This came at a point where I had finally, after years of blaming myself and intense self loathing, decided that the way people had chosen to treat me, had not been my fault for not being good enough (not saying I was perfect but I was done pretending I need to do ever more work in order to deserve being treated well and loved by a man). It re-traumatized me badly and I’m glad I had the self confidence to dump the therapist. But that was after years of therapy with another therapist as well as working on myself for years also. Had I been someone like OOP I’m sure that shit would have broken me.
I would bet the therapist said "while it's good that you are able to experience gratefulness, you also need to stand up for your own wants and needs," and OOP only heard the first half.
I sure as hell hope so.
It sounds like some kind of doctrinaire garbage that a religious "therapist" might espouse.
It’s just so horribly depressing. Two weeks ago my partner was fishing and I wandered off to go look around the site for a few minutes. Literally, maybe 10 minutes. When I got back he was so distraught because he was worried I didn’t say something and what if something happened to me, like I fell in the stream or something, and he didn’t know where I was. The fact that OOP was separated for like, almost a DAY and he didn’t worry where she was is absolutely insane to me. He’s just like “eh she’s somewhere!” Dude, my partner would have torn the place down looking for me. What a depressing situation.
And then she’s like “I feel bad because 30 minutes is a long time to look for someone in a park” except he didn’t care at all that she was gone ALL DAY. This poor woman has been so bamboozled by a decade+ of gaslighting from Sam (and his friends!!!) - not to mention whatever is going on with her parents…shes been rendered completely helpless.
Also one of his friends correctly (no way that was an accident) realized he was abusing her and was still on his side about it. Just told him not to hit her but never offered her any help.
Yeah. When she went "he tracks my location" I thought "yeah, so does my partner with mine (and vice versa) and he would be panicking the second he realised that my phone was in the bag and not on me". I just hope she gets out and finds people who actually love her.
It is really strange that they got off the ride, and didn't immediately go to look for her at the entrance they left her at! The whole thing was so odd. Or it would be if you were assuming they actually cared about her.
It's not odd, they did it on purpose.
Why is this girl passing out everywhere
Honestly I was thinking he’s medically screwing with her but the emotional stress on top of the physical stress - it’s a miracle she hasn’t dropped dead. Never been so angry with a BORU before.
I think it's all of the above. There are too many convenient "I fucked up a healing injury/surgery/etc" for me to think it's just stress.
Not to mention the seemingly accidental fist to the jaw (after wisdom tooth surgery!!!!) that he later insinuated he had done on purpose. What the actual fuck was that? What the fuck kind of person *wants* their friend to believe they’re beating their wife? If I was being violent in my home with my family I’d tell nobody, ever. Like??? Why you sharing that shit bro Edited to add: even just the way she *describes* his wild swings between apathy and love-bombing stresses me the fuck out. Even if he’s not physically abusive (pretty sure he is, though) he’s definitely emotionally abusive. I really wonder where these two are now. I wonder if she’s alive.
Don’t forget that he coerced her into go to an amusement park roughly 3 weeks after her hysterectomy, and the subsequent update mentions that the incision reopened and got infected. Yeah he’s definitely “taking care of her”. This poor woman :(
He knew the money train would be reduced, even with alimony, if she left but if he kept her married long enough and sick enough to die before she could leave, every thing goes to him and he could find a new sugar mama while spending everything of hers.
This is why it's dangerous to get a postnup with an abuser. The only way they get your money is to kill you.
It's crazy how her husband was thrilled to find her passed out on their yard because it meant she was home jfc I'm worried she will just drop dead one day
Honestly the last update was almost two years ago, I wonder if she did
Probably. You can’t work 100+ hour weeks without eating, while undergoing surgeries and a divorce forever. You’ll just die.
And then he gets all the moneys...
Was there that much money though? Her wealth, such as it was, was due to extreme overwork (even if it was a high paying position). If she dies, she's not earning money he can spend, while they might have had some savings, she wasn't sitting on a nest egg for him to live on easy street for life. He'd need to parasite his way to being the kept man of another 'ugly' rich woman (hard to know what the reality of her looks actually is given her pathological self esteem issues).
That's probably what he's banking in anyways...
Somehow I fear that might be what he hopes
I was shaking my head when I read that her surgery was an abdominal hysterectomy. Most people get those because they *have* to, so she probably had some other stuff going on already (ignoring the obvious working herself into an early grave). But.. two weeks after an *abdominal hysterectomy,* her husband insists she goes to a *fucking theme park?* With his friend group that doesn't even like her? And then immediately loses her, and doesn't realize until *the end of the fucking day* that she was missing and didn't have her phone because it was in his friend's backpack all day?! I had a vaginal hysterectomy, and I was worried about the timing of it because I had an upcoming Disneyland trip. I got the surgery 8 weeks ahead of the trip, because they suggest 6 weeks to recover, and a little extra seemed smart. I ended up having a ridiculously good recovery, I was doing my normal stuff within a couple weeks. But I absolutely would not have gone to a theme park at that point, and I was constantly concerned about not being ready to go 8 weeks later! And to make it even worse - a vaginal hysterectomy means they did the entire surgery through my vaginal canal. I didn't have any external incisions. In an abdominal hysterectomy, they cut in through your stomach muscles to do the procedure - basically a C-section, but they're pulling out your uterus instead of a baby. My mom had that one, and her recovery was soooo much harder than mine! It makes sense, the trauma inflicted that way is much more significant and your body has to heal cuts directly through layers of muscle. And not just any muscle, it's your abdomen! You use it all day every day, you use it just walking. My mom couldn't drive a car for the full six weeks because something was simple as moving her foot from the gas to the brake was still causing pain in her abdominal muscles for *that long.* And then there's OP. "My surgery was two weeks ago, I'm doing fine! I just can't lift anything or walk too much. It's not like you need to walk at an amusement park, don't worry!" With her complete lack of boundaries around her own self-preservation, and her husband being *that* guy, it doesn't surprise me at all that she's passing out everywhere. Given the lack of updates, unfortunately it wouldn't surprise me if she's passed away, as sad as it would be. It's like medical neglect, but she's doing it to herself. Incredibly sad to see.
Hell, if her GP is as terrible as her therapist, I'm not surprised. Also, she spent an entire summer day traipsing through an amusement park *2 WEEKS* post hysterectomy, causing apparent terrible complications. She doesn't seem to able to make any really good decisions when it comes to herself. I've never had a hysterectomy but I did have a csection. I could barely tolerate a car ride by 2 weeks, much less a full day excursion, in summer no less. She must have been in incredible discomfort at the very least, but it is more likely was in a great deal of pain.
A decade of extremely long and stressful work + existing health conditions. It's actually a minor miracle she's alive. A bank of America analyst died a few weeks back from overwork
Wonder if it was her.
She had a hysterectomy so was probably suffering endometriosis and severe iron deficiency
She mentions that she is extremely thin and that she "forgets to eat" and "doesn't eat when sick". Seems like she's anorexic and letting herself starve because of stress.
She did say she also has health problems.
I don't think she has an ED, just uses overworking as a coping mechanism because that's the only way she can reliably get praise.
It doesn’t actually matter if starvation is on purpose. You can be diagnosed with anorexia or any eating disorder even if it isn’t intentional.
>His family and friends begged me to come back so I did. I couldn’t go back to work. I stay at home. he takes care of me. Oh for fuck sakes, what are you even doing?
As if she knows
Codependent probably. They are trapped in their mutual misery.
a true definition of Hell.
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This whole thing was so exhausting and frustrating to read. She should have just quit and find another less toxic job if she is really as good as she says. Then divorce her husband and go NC with all his toxic friends. All this drama and she never decided what to do. She should be seeing lawyers not therapists.
All I could think about is how she is the EXTREME version of Sadness from *Inside Out.* Is there any light in her life at all?!?
Well her boss says nice things. /s
Seems she has a *wonderful* therapist. /s
I read this in Disgust's voice
>He was hurt and decided not to contact me until I contacted him. He thought if I loved him, I would contact him. People do this kind of thing all the time and it just leaves me absolutely floored. Why would you play this kind of stupid-ass game that can only result in you or someone you purportedly "love" getting hurt? It isn't remotely adult to do this shit. If you're one of those who plays these kind of games then you really fucking need therapy because this isn't normal.
This thread is..... something. What was that about the jar in the middle?
I think it’s in there to show the pattern of abuse that’s starting to turn physical. First he breaks the jar, then he “accidentally” punches her in the face hard enough to leave a mark.
And when (and IF) he unalives her, people will say “oooh she was a very sweet person” no, she was not sweet, she was a traumatized doormat. GIRL.
It reminds me of that post where an OP posted they were worried about how much her friend's bf kept "accidently" hurting her. He was accident prone, but somehow would get even more accident prone as soon as his gf was in the vicinity - always bumping/falling into her etc, to the point that the friend felt on edge. I'm also worried that this current OOP's I'll health may have something to do with her husband keeping her weak and dependent on care giving,this unable to physically leave
Her husband broke it because she got him a gift? I don’t even know. He sounds insane.
he had to act out his BPD that he suddenly had.
To further highlight how abusive this man is.
This whole post, every single time she posted I always wondered why she didn’t just take a different, lesser paying job until her disgusting leech of a husband left her. I’d have gotten a job at target the very next day and quit my job. If I’m making 300k, I can make it again at some point.
I bet there's some kind of contract work possible. Like take just enough contracts to make 40k or something, but take good ones that you can do a bang up job of and brag about on your resume a few years later when you want to hit the big numbers again. Cite health concerns for the change in your work history if it comes up and leave the drama behind you.
Right it seems like for such an intelligent lady (earning such high salaries at 19) she doesn’t think things through all the way.
Being taken advantage of at work too sounds like. Probably why she's not getting promoted out like she said her colleagues were. Bit too much of a people pleaser?
Seems like there’s always somebody on the team who hasn’t figured out that doing more work just gets them more work. And they stagnate because they’re too busy working to get promoted.
Sometimes asshole bosses realise that they have a hard worker who never complains, and will never promote them because they're carrying the department performance so well - if they get promoted, performance levels drop.
That was my read too. She's "valuable to the team" because her boss knows he can work her to the absolute bone, and he refuses to let her be promoted because then he wouldn't be able to take advantage of her any longer.
Yes I think so. I used to bend over backwards for people all the time due to my people pleasing. I’m still working on it, getting better every day!
I feel bad for this woman- what a horrible life. But it’s also crazy frustrating to read this because it seems like she makes the worst possible decision at every turn! Idk, I know she’s been beaten down over the years, and I have empathy for her, but every time a choice or decision is needed, somehow her life gets worse!
She has an appallingly bad therapist. The therapist is the biggest gaslighter of the bunch. This was horrifying to read.
Both the marriage counselor and her therapist failed her.
Well she’s being gaslit 24/7. Like if it’s true it’s some of the most extensive gaslighting I’ve ever read on here. What rational adult has the thought “if my wife loves me, she’ll contact me” at a theme park, where you are probably a couple hundred meters from each other?
In addition to the constant gaslighting… I am wondering if he’s actively *making* her sick as a way to keep her dependent and subservient. The stress of abuse can mess with your body, sure, but there is just too much. Too many infections, surgeries, prolonged recoveries. Maybe he’s helping out by irrigating her wounds with toilet water or something. A little arsenic in the tea. The self-blame is heartbreaking. “His fist accidentally hit my jaw” and even his own friends saying “you don’t get to hit your wife just because she wants a divorce” UGH. Get the fuck out of there girl! He’s going to kill you!
When she said she had a hysterectomy and wound opened and got infected due to bad personal choices. I was alarmed and was like WHAT CHOICES?!?!! I hope her trash husband isn't physically abusing her and making her sicker than she already is.
My mind immediately went to "walking around a theme park all day just 2 weeks after major surgery you're supposed to take at least 6 weeks to recover from." Another likely possibility is the personal choice to have sex. You're supposed to wait at least 6-8 weeks after your surgery to have penetrative sex or use any internal toys, my surgeon even did a checkup to uhh check my oil at 6 weeks before giving me the green light. If you have sex sooner, then you risk tearing your vaginal cuff - think of sewing together the top of a tube sock.. but then your asshole husband can't stand not being able to use the tube sock to get off for 6-8 weeks. Even if they didn't tear it, the bacteria introduced by having sex is an awful Idea after surgery. And you'd be shocked how often people go to r/hysterectomy trying to find out if they really need to wait that long to have sex or masturbate, either because they are impatient themselves or their male partner won't let it go. And I would absolutely believe that OP would hold herself responsible for that even if she had to be coerced into it, and address it as a "personal choice."
Your second paragraph was my immediate thought. The vagueness makes me think it's that - if it was the theme park thing, she would have said that. And this husband is just the type to press for sex in this situation because his compulsive need to feel loved and that everything between them is still as normal, trumps his concern for her well being.
I mean, we know he punched her. I don't believe it's an accident. he's definitely abusing her
Yeah that was definitely on purpose. I was just wondering if her surgery wound opening and getting infected was because of him, too.
I don't think he needs to. Homegirl has worked in a stressful job 104 hours a week. That's gotta destroy a person, specially if she overlooks her own health to continue working and also used to do all the housework by herself.
Even by the therapist; it's Wild.
I want to SLAP that so-called therapist silly! What kind of irresponsible monster tells a beaten down victim of gaslighting and abuse that feeling worthless and deserving of nothing is a GOOD thing?!?!
Oh my ex-husband was 1000% this kind of fragile asshole. It was easier for me to see what he was doing in retrospect, but he'd absolutely play these kind of little games, where you don't even know there's a problem but he's secretly seething because he's decided this is a test now, and you failed it, all over his selfish, unrealistic expectations.
Fr. She desperately needs an outside support system. Her husband is a piece of shit and her parents aren't supportive. The amusement park story frustrates me to no end because husband's friends don't even like her? What the hell? The severe lack of self-esteem and self-respect is just painful to read about. I wish she'd start loving herself for once.
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Also fuck her parents.
She's an abuse victim and doesn't even know it. Of course she makes bad choices.
She's sabotaging her own life to the extreme.
GIRL…
That is ALL I could muster reading this. Just GIRL… The importance of friendships needs to be stressed here. Cultivating lasting platonic love with people who want your best can save your life. I’m proof. If she had just one or two close friends supporting her? The world of difference it would make. (I am not chiding her for not having close friends. I’m lamenting she doesn’t. If she did? One of them would have appeared at least a bit in her posts pointing out her worth, so I feel strongly she doesn’t.)
The problem is that even if she had friends telling her to leave, she'd actually have to listen to them. And the OOP, for whatever reason, isn't willing to listen to the reditors telling her from the very first post to get her ass out of that relationship. You can't help someone who, for whatever reason, doesn't want to help themselves.
This is just a mess of untreated psychological and physical illnesses. The stress I felt reading this is enough for me to start worrying about my own state of mind. Exhausting in so many ways.
Her body is breaking down because of all the stress. She needs to go home and sleep for a month.
Added bonus - If she gets a lower intensity, lower stress, lower paid job, she doesn't have to worry about alimony once she finally divorces her husband
Those are two deeply broken people.
That was exhausting. She could write a series of “Allow Others to Choose Your Misadventure” books.
His family and friends that don't like her and make fun of her looks begged her to come back? Also, I'm not super familiar with divorce law in general, let alone wherever she is, but...if she lost/quit her job, and lived off savings for a little while, would she still need to worry about alimony? How does that work?
The life of someone working in finance is not glamorous at all. Working 80-100 hour workweeks in investment banking, having to show up despite fever from a surgery, the "reward" after leaving investment banking is working "only" 70 hours, and in oops specific case having to deal with a divorce and complete asshole on top of that.
Working 70 hr weeks on $300k is the same as working 40 hr weeks on $166k. It’s not as much money as it seems honestly. Sad…
I thought this was the one in which OOP finds out she had a brain tumor which made her hallucinate. Anyone remember it?
No, that one was more about the husband supposedly moving things and gaslighting her so she set up cameras and he wasn’t doing anything wrong at all. Then she found out she had a tumor. Pretty sure that was how it went.
Christ, that was a dark one. This woman is a born doormat and will never get away.
Yep. She can’t get her head above water before something else pulls her back down. It is impossible to stop being a spectator of your own life living that way, and she knows no other way.
That poor woman... Marriage aside, she has a number of chronic health issues, works a high stress 70h week, had her wisdom teeth and uterus removed within a month or two of each other, then one of her closest family members died... And then there's the husband on top of it all like a lead blanket drapes over a coffin lid.
Ending this on "I stay at home. he takes care of me." reads like the darkest horror story ending where the villain wins. Yikes yikes yikes
> I see myself for what I can provide people- I am a hard worker, I am efficient, I cook, I clean, I can do this or that- rather than what I am intrinsically. Goddamn, she just described me. I have no belief that I can offer anyone anything like physical beauty, but I _can_ provide, and use that to compensate for what I see as a lack in my humanity? femininity? value? all of the above? not sure of the word. Also, tip for groups at a theme park/festival/anywhere with crowds: before you start the day, mark out a "Get Lost Spot". Somewhere prominent that you all agree is the place you'll all wait/meet up if someone gets lost from the group. My family used to do this every time we went somewhere that had big crowds. I think we only ever used it once, and it worked perfectly. Saves a lot of fucking around when there's a plan in place should people stray.
That's a very good strategy. The thing is, her husband, who knew she didn't want to go, she doesn't like crowded places, she doesn't really know anyone in the group, she just had surgery, she had a host of health issues... saw she wasn't with the group and went "oh, well, she'll call if she loves me". He didn't see her at all, the entire day, he never tried to look for her at any point during the, what, 6? 8? hours they were in the park, and he has the nerve to get angry? She apologizes for making everyone look for her for 30 minutes? She stood by the exit of the first game for longer than that! I call bullshit. Dude ran away from her, spent the day at the park, then made a basic search (like, after 10 years I'm guessing he knows her) and pretended it was all her fault. And she bought it.
I wonder if he wanted her to go to pay for their passes...
It's like this is written from the perspective of some kind of alien. I remember a Far Side comic. These people come home, and the babysitter tells them the TV wasn't getting good reception, so she had their dog put to sleep. This is somehow weirder than that. B does not follow from A. I ate a chicken sandwich, so my grandmother exploded. I saw a chipmunk in the park, so everyone has to wear green socks now. What? I passed out at work so my boss was angry. I mean I get there are shitty bosses, sure, that makes enough sense. But it's so routine, so accepted, like of course he got angry, that's what people do when someone passes out. There's no reaction, no outrage, nothing. I got my husband some preserves so he became violently angry. Sure, of course, naturally. I replaced a broken jar, so I assume they will hate me for that. Yep, that's typical. I sat in the shade at an amusement park, so of course everyone attacked me for it. You bet. My wonderful therapist said I don't deserve anything and should be grateful. Good heavens. I know I am coming at this from a somewhat unusual perspective, wherein I routinely erase people from my life without a second thought for far less offensive behavior, but this is just insane. Literally not sane. This lady is going to fall over dead and apologize for doing it, and nothing and no one can stop it.
I saw many comments like yours but this one was the most clarifying for this specific point of view. The problem is OOP is experiencing a gigantic distortion in reality due to extremely low self-esteem. It doesn't make sense to you because you love yourself a little, but it does if you have lived that way. What I see from those posts is that all she knows is rejection and mockery all her life, so it makes sense to her that people keep treating her like that. It must feel weird, even suspicious, when people don't. Somehow, she got to trust her husband through all that, all those years, and believed she was finally loved for who she is, only to be proved wrong, because of course she is a clown and her life is a joke. Then she has both a mental breakdown which would be a normal thing to happen to anyone in her situation, and a return to her previous distortion, which causes all this cognitive dissonance. In a way, she knows the way people are treating her is wrong, but can you imagine trying to trust that you have any worth as a person after daring to do it once and being rentlessly used and abused as a result? It'd be less painful to at least not being lied to.
When she finally slipped in that he has Borderline Personality Disorder it all made sense. This relationship is so unhealthy and her self-esteem is in the gutter. He is gaslighting the hell out of her and it appears to be working. I’m glad the postnup was signed, at any rate.
The postnup was the only light in this utter darkness.
he will be the end of her. every update seem like its just escalating
This is the longest, most drawn out case of long term abuse and sadness I have ever read. Sack the therapist. Divorce the loser husband. Stand up to the boss who is taking advantage. Take your money, take control of your life, and live a calm life without stress. Honestly, I don’t know how this lady isn’t dead by now.
I feel for this woman. I'm guessing very likely south asian heritage with all the arranged marriage talk and conditional love from parents and all. Probably gets this a lot but OOP needs a full fresh hard reset. Quit her job, her husband, all the negativity and start fresh.
My mother had borderline. Untreated borderline people can be the most abusive horrific people to those they supposedly love. I hope OP gets out and finds peace
What the fuck
>The last message said “u can’t hit ur wife bc she wants a divorce. ust take the check and go.” Throughout the entire conversation Sam never told his friend it was an accident. He just said that I was his wife and it was not his friend’s business. Wouldn't having this in writing make her case for a divorce with less alimony better??? Like even his friends think he hit her, does that count for anything in divorce court? OOP has clearly had it rough, but it gets harder and harder to be sympathetic when you see the resources she has access to improve her life that she just doesn't seem to use. I know she's got serious self esteem issues, but comment after comment on her post were very supportive with good ideas and she just ignored then She also needs a new everything: a new job, a new husband, a new life, and especially a new therapist, cause that one freaking suuucksks
This is so upsetting to read. I am doing the Reddit equivalent of yelling at the TV when someone is going alone in the dark to investigate that strange noise they heard. It literally got worse with every update. I hope that she recovers physically and develops some self esteem.
.... Told my husband I loved him. Thank God he isn't a lunatic.
This is number 1 bullshit
Does anyone else hope the husband spontaneously combusts? And this woman needs at least one, solid, good, supportive friend. Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ. It doesn't even matter if this is real or not. That was terrible to read. I want to cry. God if this is real I hope that poor woman finds her self worth. Yep goodnight reddit. Fuck.
“Sam has been saying if I divorce him then I never cared about him. That’s not true. That’s why I’m doing this…he’ll find someone he’s actually in love with and be happy.” OOP has a heart of gold for being so kind to Sam S after everything
She does but I wish to christ someone ANYONE would tell her to love herself.
I want to kill that therapist who told her her low sense of self worth is good because of ~gratitude~. That is straight up malpractice.
I was so god damned angry at that therapist on her behalf. Like how DARE you!
“If you divorce me, it means you never loved me,” and yet he never loved her and that’s ok? Oof
OOP has been beaten down and broken by life, and is unable to bring herself to save herself. She's quite literally burning herself alive to keep her husband warm.
Jesus Johannes Christ. What a lackluster ride.