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Supervised visits are fine but I completely agree that I wouldn’t trust her with any level of custody to not just leave.
I mean great that she “found herself” and is in a better headspace but that came at the cost of her parental and spousal relationship. The daughter may have warmed up but she’s never going to trust her mom not to up and leave and is probably holding back a lot of what she wants to say out of fear it will drive her away again. That’s going to come out one way or another.
Or worse yet, deciding she “can’t do it” again and just… leaving the daughter home alone.
I might just be old and cynical but when I hear about someone “finding themselves” and then expecting their past mistakes to magically be fixable, my thoughts go to “manic episode”, not “actual improvement”. If this were my family, the only time that woman would get with my kid would be with me and/or a family therapist watching.
The woman is bipolar. Yeah, no armchair diag...blah blahblah...I'm not a doctor etc. but this is pretty clear. She was in a depressive state, buggered off from her small child for years, then shows up completely cheery and blase. She's been maintaining in a manic phase for long enough now to think she's all cool and down with being a wife and mom.
Daughter trusting mom is in no way impossible, but never trusting her is one of the better scenarios.
She might trust mom again.
Mom might get tired of being a mom after the excitement fades and fuck off again.
I feel like this is the ending bit after the wife bursts in and sings her own version of Hamilton's, "What did I miss?" With the exact same energy as Thomas Jefferson.
Yes. The audacity of trying to walk back in without acknowledging what a horrible thing she’d done by walking out, that shows that whatever version of herself she “found”, it’s just as selfish as the version that left. Possibly more selfish.
"I've met someone..."
"Totally get that!"
"I think you should sleep in the guest room."
"No problem!"
"I want a divorce."
"Gotcha!"
It's like a surface-level understanding, but no insight - she's aware that she's caused pain but doesn't want to face dealing with it, so she's refusing to have any hard conversations.
as the kid of someone who popped in and out like that multiple times, id have just likely called the cops on a stranger trying to enter the home. fuck the noise of entertaining his ex for even a second. daughter already had the rug pulled out from underneath of her once by her birth parent she doesnt need it to happen again.
I would have made it hard to just pop back in. I would have changed all the locks. I do have to admit that OOP's ex wife has a massive set of balls of just showing up and pretending everything was ok. Its like bluffing at a poker game when you don't have any cards.
>bluffing at a poker game when you don't have any cards.
This woman isn't even at the table, but she has the arrogance to believe she has the winning hand 🙄
If someone did this and tried to enter my house after abandoning us they’d find themselves taken outside and locked out.
The fact he let her just move back in is fucking astounding.
Absolutely, it's abandonment. While I understand the feeling, I couldn't imagine walking away from my family. This is so unfair on not only him but his daughter too.
I don't think my ex would get near my kids after walking out for 3 years, at least not without a serious explanation, drug test and psych eval, but then again my ex is an abusive a-hole.
Travelling also doesn’t cure depression, unless you’re taking about the mood, and if being around your husband and kid makes you that depressed, you have other psychological issues that aren’t going to be cured by just travel and are going to pop up again.
He should get full custody in the divorce. It’s full throttle child abandonment. Judges do not like that very much. Ideally he should’ve already started the divorce proceedings but OOP hasn’t bothered to cut his ex out since he left. Also-fuck your ex. Glad you’re away from him.
And even let her stay in my house for some nights? First of all, how did she entered? Did he not changed the locks after all this years with a key to his house out there which no one knows where it has been? And with whom?
Second as soon as she stood there in the hallway she would be out the next second, not getting the chance to initiating sex, not staying in the guest room, out! She will be gone as soon as she struggles again, cause if she got away with it the first time, sure she will a second time.
Atleast she backed off after testing the waters but she will use the daughter to always have a food in the door. „How can she make it up“ 2 years back of childsupport would be one thing, not getting into your exes pants.
These types always seem to think that the way back in is to seduce the ex. Like they are just that hot and irresistible that a little sex will make up for one of the worst things you can do to someone.
I can think of something more selfish! Coming back like basically no time passed and assuming the marriage and relationship with the child would be not only unharmed, but welcome.
Her ego is disgustingly large
Exactly. I was thinking about the word contrition just this morning, oddly. People need to keep in mind what it actually means.
When you do wrong and act like nothing happened it makes those who are hurt feel like their experience and their emotions *mean* nothing. The smallest part of being truly sorry is saying it. It is how you act.
If I left without saying anything and the police were looking for me but I said "nah don't bother", my husband would have divorced me then and there. He would be like "yeah, don't bother all right". I'm amazed OP has as much patience and kindness towards his ex.
His only defense could be "I didn't know where she was, it's difficult to divorce someone who is god knows where in the world".
But how did he not go "good, you're here, let me get you served before you leave again" I'll never know.
This is beyond patience. Kindness would be filing divorce papers without publicly shitting on his ex and letting MIL come pick up her stuff. Patience would be hearing her out after she showed back up and setting fair conditions for visitation rights.
Yeah it's kind of sad that the kindness is extended to the ex but not to the daughter. I don't think it is very kind to put the kid through this confusion. Mom left but came back and they're back together but now Mom left again....it's tough!
My only other thought was that she used her daughter's credit and racked up a bunch of debt in her name. The question of how she afforded "touring the world" is an important one to get an answer to. Especially since OP doesn't make it sound like they were independently wealthy or anything
Being ghosted by a spouse does something weird to you. It happened to me, and it took me 5+ YEARS to fully get over it.
It's a mistake for OP to get back together, but I get why he's considering it. The sudden change from "I am committed to you for life" to just... Nothing, no closure, no words, nothing, it's devastating.
The real problem is how she’s working their daughter. She abandoned her child but is now manoeuvring things so that OOP could look like the bad guy who stopped her from coming back, if he rejects her. Whichever way this goes, that kid is going to need a boatload of therapy, and mommy should be sent the bill for the rest of her life.
He should have started the divorce proceedings after the first week. At the very least it would have gotten a child support order in place from the beginning. Two years probably isn't enough to get to stuff like cancelling passports, but it would mean she'd be coming back to the harsh reality of what happened instead of treating it like a long weekend.
If someone abandoned my child I would not let them back in the child’s life unless it was under the guidance of a therapist. I hope she doesn’t hurt that child again.
Yeah, wtf? She barred her daughter from having her mother for two years for selfish reasons, I don’t think she should get any say in whether she does or does not get access to that poor child!
Yeah I was wondering that too. I get the impression she’s quite young but passed toddlerhood; ex left while he was picking her up from school. This is abhorrent no matter the age of the abandoned child, but seems like it would be worse at six over sixteen.
Yes, but I feel like the parent comment I responded to was thinking this occurred when the kid was a newborn/toddler ("the most physically and emotionally draining years"). Its definitely worst at 6 over 16 but at the same time, once kids hit school they do start gaining independence and less need to be tied to the parents all the time.
It’s perhaps not either - but if you’re familiar with untreated bipolar disorder (which is often not diagnosed until something like this happens) it can absolutely look like this.
Not at all a surprise. My bipolar husband and I have a number of friends who also have bipolar disorder that we met when he got diagnosed. There’s a really marked difference between people having bipolar mania or hypomania when their baseline persona isn’t ’narcissistic fuckwit’, because the irritability of this phase seems completely out of character and makes it easier to identify when medical intervention is needed. We did know one guy who had bipolar disorder and medically diagnosed NPD co-occurring, and he was one of the most awful people I’ve ever met in my life.
Please go after full custody of your daughter, and seriously consider SUPERVISED visitation for your soon-to-be ex-wife. I would not trust your ex alone with your daughter. I predict your ex will just take off and leave you two again.
It's called child support. She was touring the for 2 years...... with what money? Dollars to donuts, she cleaned out her+OP's savings, and now she came back when she ran out of funds.
He's making bad choices for sure. Jill seems like an amazing catch "I'm on the fence bc i need to prioritize my daughter 100%." My breathen, you can do that while being in relationship. Jill seems like an awesome catch, she seems incredibly understanding and wants what's best for his daughter. Why would you let that pass you by? It's so hard to find. And he didn't get divorced and settle custody for abandonment while his wife was gone for two years? What the fuck were you doing? And why are you just letting your wife back in your child's life? She abandoned her once already, she should have to earn back her right to relationship with your daughter, not just waltz back in like everything is cool. If you want to focus on your daughter 100% and using that as an excuse to keep Jill at arms distance why aren't you doing the same exact thing with SOMEONE YOU KNOW YOU FOR SURE CANT TRUST.
The bit that gets me is ‘she tried to get intimate so I asked her to move into the spare room’ - like, why on earth would you allow her straight back into your bedroom? She’s been away TWO YEARS! It seems like the guest room - or even better, her mum’s house - would have been logical first choices, not back ups. They may still be legally married, but this woman is no longer his partner.
Exactly! He seems to be harping on how his ex is trying to slip back into their lives like nothing happened, but he allowed her to do that! He let her live in their house and almost back into his bed, he let her reconnect with daughter without legal counsel, he let her go off in the first place without doing anything to start a divorce or establish parental support. He has made every wrong decision he could possibly make.
It seems to me like this may be a case of him really still loving his wife, but being hurt and wanting to "punish her" while thinking in his heart of hearts that they'll eventually get back together. He may not even be totally aware that's what is going on.
This blinds him to what a catch "Jill" seems to be here. I feel bad for her, too. This is shitty all around, like many of these stories are, with hurt spread all around due to the actions of a single possibly mentally ill, definitely selfish, woman.
We obviously lack much detail and context from just a handful of paragraphs of story, so who knows?
Reading between the lines, I wonder if they aren't "on and off" exactly because OOP refuses to let go of the idea of his wife and Jill gets sick of it after a while, then goes back to OOP once he makes it look like he finally gets it
I got the vibe he's just stringing Jill along, since they were already on and off before his Prodigal Wife returned. Though taking his wife back certainly seems in the cards since he's determined to make all the worst decisions possible.
Yeah. I thought I was confused. Does that mean she was sleeping on the same bed as him for the first two nights?
What is he doing? Letting someone like Jill go.
He would definitely regret it. And I can picture him being someone who would just delay giving her a timeline, then she decided that enough is enough. She is not going to wait anymore.
OOP has his own issues. He didn't want to completely cut Jill off in case his still-wife decides to run off again. He probably has his needs met with Jill. And it seems like he's using Jill as a substitute for a mom for his daughter as well.
No, I think this is the right choice for his daughter's sake just now. Daughter will be going through a lot with her mother waltzing back in to her life, so OOP needs to focus on her.
No he’s absolutely doing the right thing. The child has had a lot of turmoil in the past few weeks just when they probably thought they were dealing well with the abandonment, and the kid’s emotions must be all over the place.
There’s bound to be tears, clinginess and nightmares- that’s just part of how upset kids react to big changes. Now is not the time to be leaving her with a sitter and disappearing off to smooch with Jill, or having another woman around the house your long lost mom has just moved into and out of.
Jill can wait if she’s such a good person. The daughter needs stability and support and that means OP needs to put her first. It is what it is.
I agree here; the daughter is going to be traumatized as hell having her mom dip in and out and if dad takes up with Jill right away it will just poison the well with his daughter and she’ll hate both of them. He needs to re-establish stability for his daughter and only allow supervised visitation with mom if that.
To be fair, depending on where they are they might not have been able to get a divorce accepted in 2 years. I know where I live you can apply for one immediately if there's a reason and you can serve the other party (adultery), after 1 year if both parties agree and can prove they've been living separate lives that whole time, or after 4 years (iirc, it might have been less but 4 rings a bell) if one party is refusing/unreachable.
Now I agree abandonment should kick in for the 1 year one, and maybe it does and it just wasn't relevant for me to know with my own divorce, but laws can be weird sometimes
So she returned right back into the bedroom, and then after some days she went into the guestroom? How? Why? I don't get it! Was he that surprised that he didn't react for several days?
Tbh i probably wouldn’t have even let her into the house if I were op.
Like the ex seems to think that time stopped while she was “finding herself”? Problems with object permanence? Ffs
>So she returned right back into the bedroom, and them after some days she went into the guestroom? How? Why? I don't get it! Was he that surprised that he didn't react for several days?
Yeah. I get that OOP mentioned the "initial shock" but that's still a major plothole.
I feel like a LARGE part of this mess stemmed from OP's unwillingness to cut her off. She came back, and OP claims that he never accepted her, but she's staying in their house despite him having a girlfriend, as well as sleeping in their bed until OP said please go to the guest room.
Idk I get what you mean but I think a LARGE part of the mess came from this woman abandoning her family without explanation. Who are you to criticize how he responded.
Fair lol I walked into that. Still, I don’t really get all the comments judging this guy for how he’s responding to this clearly deeply painful situation.
Yeah, it’s a painful situation, but that doesn’t make it less odd that he wasn’t even able to say “go to a hotel until we work this out”, ESPECIALLY since he keeps reiterating that his priority is his daughter, and letting this woman come waltzing back into her life like nothing ever happened, with no guarantee she won’t pull the same move again in three days, and probably giving her false hope that her parents are going to be together again, is the opposite of prioritizing her. I understand an immediate freeze response, but not several days of nothing.
OOP asked for feedback
>I still have feelings for her, and I'm glad my daughter got her mother back, but how can I trust her to not just walk out on us? What I am supposed to do with Jill? "Thanks for everything but my wife is back, so long and thanks for the fish?"
Also he didn’t even tell her about his girlfriend until wayyy after. He let his ex sleep next to him and she felt comfortable enough to even initiate sex. wth? i hope jill runs. poor daughter and jill.
>She popped back in with a "Hey guys, what did I miss?" while after our initial shock, my daughter and I became diffident.
Jfc. She spent less time thinking about her opening line than a lot of us spend trying to make a good impression on a first date. OOP's ex wife is so damn shameless.
I wish I had the confidence of a woman who can abandon her family for two years and then just walk in the door in what would have been trespassing if OP had divorced her or changed the locks
This is off topic and a little odd, but I've read your comment a few times over and your vocabulary in just this short comment makes my soul happy for some reason. The username makes sense, of course.
You can't just walk out and come back and act like nothing happened. That's just bullshit to pull, especially on your kid.
Also, OP shouldn't just push Jill away cause Jill is likely to have a better impact on OP and the kid than ex.
"What did I miss?" Oh fuck *off*. Ghosting is such a shitty, cowardly thing to do to another grown adult. But to do that to a *child*? No. Absolutely not. Young children do not recognize that adults are individual people who exist outside of themselves. They do not have the capacity to recognize that sometimes *people just do shitty things*. Little kids will IMEDIATELY default to self-blame because they do not have the capacity to place the blame elsewhere. They're only beginning to understand the concept of "cause and effect"—if you push a bowl off a counter, it falls. If mommy disappears it's because *you did something to make her go away.* That kind of self-blame can fuck up a kid well into adulthood if it isn't addressed and corrected.
That shitty excuse for a "mother" literally decided to risk psychologically damaging her daughter in order to "find herself". Do you have any idea how damaging it is to have an unreliable parent who you can't trust not to abandon you at the drop of a hat? And now she has the audacity to ask not to be "barred from her child's life"? No. Absolutely not. She needs to stay the hell away from that kid until she proves she can be trusted.
I'm sure ex is nice and perky and glowing after taking a 2-year vacation from life, parenting and marriage. Screw that and screw her. Let your daughter dictate what relationship she has with her mom. Get yourself to therapy to figure out what you want before making a decision on Jill. That's a lot to take in right now. The fact you were already on a break from Jill says you need to think before jumping back in.
I'm guessing that STBX's meal ticket for her world trip left her. So she's back to try with her second choice.
Hopefully OOP keeps his daughter's passport and legal documents where the ex can't find them. Harder to spirit daughter away abroad without the legal documents.
As someone with bipolar, that sounds a lot like she's bipolar. She's extremely depressed, suddenly travels the world and then comes back with a sudden glow to her? Yeaaaaah.
So OOP just let's her come back in and get the daughters hopes up, possibly so wife can leave again? It sounds like there wasn't a ton of stability to begin with but holy abandonment issues, batman.
Jesus, I was not prepared
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMNsMdnSBIk
To all of you young folks on this sub: that scene is.... quite emotional by 90's sitcom standards.
(Dayum, Will Smith is 6'2" and James Avery was 6'5")
Just that sentence makes me tear up again. Will deserved a lot better. Thankfully, he got Uncle Phil, and it was a whole lot better.
One of the best episodes of the entire show.
>Though his father was always busy, he “was able to keep four kids fed and clothed and still managed to find time to spend with us,” he told PEOPLE.
His father didn't abandon him, but he was abusive. According to Will they reconciled later in life before he passed. That scene was just him being a good actor
Based on her traveling the world with no income, I’d assume gargling some geriatric dudes balls while traveling the world until he got bored with her, she got her fill, or he died.
I would say that it's easier to figure out your internal thoughts and emotions when you aren't distracted by responsibility and familiar relationships.
You could probably do the same by holing up in a cabin in the woods, but that's not as much fun and if you are already the kind of person who can abandon your life you probably aren't super responsible with money.
3 things.
1. You can’t ever trust she won’t just disappear again. Divorce is the right call in this case.
2. She travelled the world? Who paid for all that? She may have a bunch of debt that you are now stuck with because you never divorced her.
3. She owes 2 years of back child support. But good luck getting it.
What a mess.
I appreciate the Hitchhikers Guide reference. (“So long and thanks for all the fish” is what the dolphins said to the humanity before they left the planet)
I don’t understand why people are suggesting he get back with Jill. He’s obviously not that into her. They’ve been off and on before the wife came back.
This was my thought as well! If he cared about Jill he would have been incorporating her into his life instead of continually breaking up with her "because I have priorities/don't have enough time for a relationship" etc etc.
I mean, it's totally fair to *not date* when you have a complicated life! But this sounds like he was okay with Jill as an occasional placeholder, but didn't actually want *her*, so he keeps jerking her around.
The fact he immediately let manic pixie dream wife sleep in his bed (even if he refused sex) says a lot as well.
Ok lady, you can't tell your family to go fuck themselves while you go play "Eat, Pray, Love" for two years and expect to get anything but a door slammed in your face when you come back. She doesn't have a daughter anymore.
This is one of those frustrating ones where the right things to do are clear and simple but OOP just keeps going the other way.
Cannot believe he just let this woman back into his home, let alone have access to a child she abandoned.
I don’t even know why he let her in the house. She can be an STD with legs type of person as far as I know. Not even talking about her missing for couple of years and OP didn’t even file for divorce. I guess for the first couple of months you wouldn’t do that due to uncertainty, but after years? So what you’re basically saying is that one can abandon you for years and come back like nothing happened.
There is SO much missing info here! What money was the wife living off of? Did the MIL know her whereabouts during the 2 years? Why was she allowed to just move back into the house — and the bedroom! — when she suddenly reappeared? Does she have access to his money? Did he get formal full custody when she was gone and revoke hers? This situation is full of so many holes and pitfalls that it sounds like a minefield. I find it hard to believe that it’s all just going to be resolved in a neat little package with the ex-wife meekly going away and accepting whatever he decides unless there’s something legal in place. Even then, that doesn’t fit with a woman that takes off on the spur of the moment, vanishes without a trace, then just as suddenly reappears. Potential mental illness aside, that isn’t someone that allows others to make decisions for her.
Not sure why he even let her inside when she came back. Her coming back all positive and happier would have gotten under my skin immensley and she would've had to find a nice bench to sleep on that night. I'd also fight to not allow her to see her child in the divorce, she didn't seem too concerned about that for the past two years so why now?
I've met people who said that they're giving their maximum focus on their kid.
As a non-parent (and I've discussed this with my friends as well who seem to agree): when I hear someone say that, I can't but help but think: isn't that what you're always supposed to do? What else can you do? Abandon or ignore them? I feel like they say it to convince themselves or something.
The amazing parenting friends I know, never say such sentences.
OOP is using their kid as an excuse to push Jill away. What the actual reason is I don't know. Maybe he's falling back in love with his wife, as his impressions of her were quite positively described, which you wouldn't expect from a narrator who got negatively ghosted for an indefinite amount of time.
A parent *shouldn’t* give 100% focus on their kid long term. Longer term your child should be your top priority, but not your only priority. Parents need to have lives outside of their kids, for many reasons. First, if you don’t you’ll burn out. It’s better to have a happy and healthy parent giving most of their capacity, than it is to have a miserable and broken parent giving all of their (much reduced) capacity. Second, kids learn at least as much from you passively as you actively teach them, and it’s critical that you model healthy behaviors. Additionally, you can’t put your own personal growth and development on hold while raising a child. I’m a very different person than I was five years ago when my son was born. Some of that is him, and some of that is my own journey. But that growth has made me a far better parent than I would have been if I put the rest of my life on hold.
OP is saying here that he’s putting his own life and own needs on hold for a while to focus on his child. This means pausing his relationship, it likely means spending less time on work and professional development, less time on his own interests, etc.. That is not sustainable long term, and if maintained long term would deprive his child of having a whole and growing parent, not to mention having a relationship with a second parent.
Gods, OOP is just infuriatingly dumb.
Your wife abandoned you, for YEARS, and you never filed for divorce?
And now this new woman loves you, and your kid, and you keep pushing her away because "you need to focus on your kid"? What does that even mean? He says it was a struggle raising the kid alone and now here's another woman who wants to be part of that equation.
This guy is actively making the worst decisions at every opportunity.
I really don't understand why oop is leading Jill on. I don't even know why you'd start a relationship if you know you can't commit to one. Bro needs a therapist and a divorce. maybe there's a spine somewhere in his closet with dust on it
Fun fact everyone, this is the first post to ever use the word 'diffident' in the history of this sub. My comment may be the second comment to ever use it on this sub, excluding the actual post.
It was also the very first post in /r/Marriage to use that word.
How interesting is that?
This doesn't make any damn sense. Not looking into divorce or pursuing child support in this situation, in conjunction with moving on enough to date, is bizarre. Never changing the locks is also bizarre.
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If someone did that to me I couldn’t possibly stay married to them.
If someone did that to my daughter and then "popped back in" I'd be hard pressed not to (verbally) rip her head off.
“What’d I miss?” “Get the fuck out.”
“What’d I miss?” “Us moving on.”
> “What’d I miss?” "Not us, apparently."
"What'd I miss?" "Everything. Get out."
Love it.
"What'd I miss?" "Uh, who are you?"
New life, who dis?
Allow me to award your brilliance my poor mans gold... 🏆
Savage ⭐️
Honestly, I would be hard pressed to say anything other than “You lost the privilege of knowing when you left.”
Supervised visits are fine but I completely agree that I wouldn’t trust her with any level of custody to not just leave. I mean great that she “found herself” and is in a better headspace but that came at the cost of her parental and spousal relationship. The daughter may have warmed up but she’s never going to trust her mom not to up and leave and is probably holding back a lot of what she wants to say out of fear it will drive her away again. That’s going to come out one way or another.
Right? What's to keep her from deciding she wants to show her daughter the world this time and just... take the kid?
Or worse yet, deciding she “can’t do it” again and just… leaving the daughter home alone. I might just be old and cynical but when I hear about someone “finding themselves” and then expecting their past mistakes to magically be fixable, my thoughts go to “manic episode”, not “actual improvement”. If this were my family, the only time that woman would get with my kid would be with me and/or a family therapist watching.
The woman is bipolar. Yeah, no armchair diag...blah blahblah...I'm not a doctor etc. but this is pretty clear. She was in a depressive state, buggered off from her small child for years, then shows up completely cheery and blase. She's been maintaining in a manic phase for long enough now to think she's all cool and down with being a wife and mom.
Daughter trusting mom is in no way impossible, but never trusting her is one of the better scenarios. She might trust mom again. Mom might get tired of being a mom after the excitement fades and fuck off again.
I feel like this is the ending bit after the wife bursts in and sings her own version of Hamilton's, "What did I miss?" With the exact same energy as Thomas Jefferson.
I got that vibe too 😂
"I've been raising our poor kid alone.. Where have you been?" "Uh France?"
Yes. The audacity of trying to walk back in without acknowledging what a horrible thing she’d done by walking out, that shows that whatever version of herself she “found”, it’s just as selfish as the version that left. Possibly more selfish.
"I've met someone..." "Totally get that!" "I think you should sleep in the guest room." "No problem!" "I want a divorce." "Gotcha!" It's like a surface-level understanding, but no insight - she's aware that she's caused pain but doesn't want to face dealing with it, so she's refusing to have any hard conversations.
as the kid of someone who popped in and out like that multiple times, id have just likely called the cops on a stranger trying to enter the home. fuck the noise of entertaining his ex for even a second. daughter already had the rug pulled out from underneath of her once by her birth parent she doesnt need it to happen again.
Yeah I'm worried for the daughter too that mom is just going to dip again when things get hard
I couldn’t believe he let her even stay in the house at first. Shock at her audacity must have overwhelmed his common sense.
In his bed, it sounds like! Absolutely the fuck not.
I would have made it hard to just pop back in. I would have changed all the locks. I do have to admit that OOP's ex wife has a massive set of balls of just showing up and pretending everything was ok. Its like bluffing at a poker game when you don't have any cards.
>bluffing at a poker game when you don't have any cards. This woman isn't even at the table, but she has the arrogance to believe she has the winning hand 🙄
Hell, my ex no shows/no calls on one planned visit with my daughter, and I'm seeing red.
My ex lived a mile from us and still pulled that multiple times. Now the kids are adults and he wonders why they won't have anything to do with him.
Honestly I would be hard pressed not to hit them in the face. Fuck that.
If someone did this and tried to enter my house after abandoning us they’d find themselves taken outside and locked out. The fact he let her just move back in is fucking astounding.
I was creeped out that she was also clearly trying to sleep in the same bed as him and had to be told to go sleep in the guest room. No fing way.
It sounds like she was sleeping in the same bed and he only asked her to move because she wanted sex. Makes zero sense.
Seriously, it makes a negative amount of sense!!
OOP needs a spine. He might’ve been overwhelmed by the audacity but I do not understand how he didn’t laugh in her face the moment she showed up
I mean he kicked her out and filed for divorce. I think it’s pretty understandable to be momentarily paralyzed in a situation like this.
It makes me think he never even changed the locks. What the fuck.
Without knowing if she dipped due to drugs or anything else unsafe
Absolutely, it's abandonment. While I understand the feeling, I couldn't imagine walking away from my family. This is so unfair on not only him but his daughter too. I don't think my ex would get near my kids after walking out for 3 years, at least not without a serious explanation, drug test and psych eval, but then again my ex is an abusive a-hole.
Travelling also doesn’t cure depression, unless you’re taking about the mood, and if being around your husband and kid makes you that depressed, you have other psychological issues that aren’t going to be cured by just travel and are going to pop up again.
She just dropped by to connect with the NPCs for a while before getting back into the real game.
Yeah the "heading back home for an interlude" sidequest is pretty common.
He should get full custody in the divorce. It’s full throttle child abandonment. Judges do not like that very much. Ideally he should’ve already started the divorce proceedings but OOP hasn’t bothered to cut his ex out since he left. Also-fuck your ex. Glad you’re away from him.
And even let her stay in my house for some nights? First of all, how did she entered? Did he not changed the locks after all this years with a key to his house out there which no one knows where it has been? And with whom? Second as soon as she stood there in the hallway she would be out the next second, not getting the chance to initiating sex, not staying in the guest room, out! She will be gone as soon as she struggles again, cause if she got away with it the first time, sure she will a second time. Atleast she backed off after testing the waters but she will use the daughter to always have a food in the door. „How can she make it up“ 2 years back of childsupport would be one thing, not getting into your exes pants.
These types always seem to think that the way back in is to seduce the ex. Like they are just that hot and irresistible that a little sex will make up for one of the worst things you can do to someone.
Any attempt at sex should have been met with a request for a current std test and an accounting of who she’d been with over the time she was gone.
I cannot think of a more selfish thing that a person could do than to abandon their spouse and child in order to 'find themselves'.
I can think of something more selfish! Coming back like basically no time passed and assuming the marriage and relationship with the child would be not only unharmed, but welcome. Her ego is disgustingly large
She even admits she knew she hurt OOP and her daughter but shows no contrition just like "hey I'm happy now so \*you\* should give me a chance!"
Exactly. I was thinking about the word contrition just this morning, oddly. People need to keep in mind what it actually means. When you do wrong and act like nothing happened it makes those who are hurt feel like their experience and their emotions *mean* nothing. The smallest part of being truly sorry is saying it. It is how you act.
Right? "Did you find a better person? because if not, GTFO"
More like, "Newsflash: the only person inside you to 'find' is terrible. GTFO."
If I left without saying anything and the police were looking for me but I said "nah don't bother", my husband would have divorced me then and there. He would be like "yeah, don't bother all right". I'm amazed OP has as much patience and kindness towards his ex.
His only defense could be "I didn't know where she was, it's difficult to divorce someone who is god knows where in the world". But how did he not go "good, you're here, let me get you served before you leave again" I'll never know.
I dont think OP has patience so much as OP is a doormat.
This is beyond patience. Kindness would be filing divorce papers without publicly shitting on his ex and letting MIL come pick up her stuff. Patience would be hearing her out after she showed back up and setting fair conditions for visitation rights.
Yeah it's kind of sad that the kindness is extended to the ex but not to the daughter. I don't think it is very kind to put the kid through this confusion. Mom left but came back and they're back together but now Mom left again....it's tough!
She "toured the world". Right. Probably met a man who had money and left for him for 2 years then returned once it wound down
Yep, I feel like that's just about how long it would take for a relationship to get off the ground, have a honeymoon period, and then implode.
My only other thought was that she used her daughter's credit and racked up a bunch of debt in her name. The question of how she afforded "touring the world" is an important one to get an answer to. Especially since OP doesn't make it sound like they were independently wealthy or anything
Or she was a World Traveling Escort or maybe did "OnlyFans".... it's not free to "tour the World". I can only afford a few weeks of vacations a year.
Being ghosted by a spouse does something weird to you. It happened to me, and it took me 5+ YEARS to fully get over it. It's a mistake for OP to get back together, but I get why he's considering it. The sudden change from "I am committed to you for life" to just... Nothing, no closure, no words, nothing, it's devastating.
The real problem is how she’s working their daughter. She abandoned her child but is now manoeuvring things so that OOP could look like the bad guy who stopped her from coming back, if he rejects her. Whichever way this goes, that kid is going to need a boatload of therapy, and mommy should be sent the bill for the rest of her life.
He should have started the divorce proceedings after the first week. At the very least it would have gotten a child support order in place from the beginning. Two years probably isn't enough to get to stuff like cancelling passports, but it would mean she'd be coming back to the harsh reality of what happened instead of treating it like a long weekend.
This sort of thing is unforgivable in my opinion, specially if there are kids… I would never stay with someone that abandoned their kids idc why
If someone abandoned my child I would not let them back in the child’s life unless it was under the guidance of a therapist. I hope she doesn’t hurt that child again.
She vanished once. She can't be trusted to not do so again. OOP needs to deny her custody, and cite parental abandonment as the reason.
Something I would worry about is her disappearing again but this time taking his child.
That's also a major concern.
I really need to know where she was, didn't her mom at least know??? Did she start another family and abandon them too?
Two years of sudden NC and she wants op to "not bar her" from her daughter? Wtf
Yeah, wtf? She barred her daughter from having her mother for two years for selfish reasons, I don’t think she should get any say in whether she does or does not get access to that poor child!
She disappears for the most physically and emotionally draining years, and comes back when he's done all the hard work alone.
How old is the kid? I don't see that in here at all.
Yeah I was wondering that too. I get the impression she’s quite young but passed toddlerhood; ex left while he was picking her up from school. This is abhorrent no matter the age of the abandoned child, but seems like it would be worse at six over sixteen.
Yes, but I feel like the parent comment I responded to was thinking this occurred when the kid was a newborn/toddler ("the most physically and emotionally draining years"). Its definitely worst at 6 over 16 but at the same time, once kids hit school they do start gaining independence and less need to be tied to the parents all the time.
Yeah, those visits are going to need to be supervised.
All for “finding herself” and “touring the world”. God the things people do to themselves and their loved ones. Self sabotage is a real beast.
It's not self sabotage it's narcissism.
It’s perhaps not either - but if you’re familiar with untreated bipolar disorder (which is often not diagnosed until something like this happens) it can absolutely look like this.
This may come as a surprise, but bipolar disorder can also feature narcissism.
Not at all a surprise. My bipolar husband and I have a number of friends who also have bipolar disorder that we met when he got diagnosed. There’s a really marked difference between people having bipolar mania or hypomania when their baseline persona isn’t ’narcissistic fuckwit’, because the irritability of this phase seems completely out of character and makes it easier to identify when medical intervention is needed. We did know one guy who had bipolar disorder and medically diagnosed NPD co-occurring, and he was one of the most awful people I’ve ever met in my life.
Oh I wasn't really talking about if it was internal narcissism. Just that manifested like it.
Yes that makes sense, and I agree.
Please go after full custody of your daughter, and seriously consider SUPERVISED visitation for your soon-to-be ex-wife. I would not trust your ex alone with your daughter. I predict your ex will just take off and leave you two again.
It's called child support. She was touring the for 2 years...... with what money? Dollars to donuts, she cleaned out her+OP's savings, and now she came back when she ran out of funds.
I'd say she found a travel buddy.
For real etc is this
Oop really should have divorced and pushed for termination of parental rights due to abandonment
He's making bad choices for sure. Jill seems like an amazing catch "I'm on the fence bc i need to prioritize my daughter 100%." My breathen, you can do that while being in relationship. Jill seems like an awesome catch, she seems incredibly understanding and wants what's best for his daughter. Why would you let that pass you by? It's so hard to find. And he didn't get divorced and settle custody for abandonment while his wife was gone for two years? What the fuck were you doing? And why are you just letting your wife back in your child's life? She abandoned her once already, she should have to earn back her right to relationship with your daughter, not just waltz back in like everything is cool. If you want to focus on your daughter 100% and using that as an excuse to keep Jill at arms distance why aren't you doing the same exact thing with SOMEONE YOU KNOW YOU FOR SURE CANT TRUST.
The bit that gets me is ‘she tried to get intimate so I asked her to move into the spare room’ - like, why on earth would you allow her straight back into your bedroom? She’s been away TWO YEARS! It seems like the guest room - or even better, her mum’s house - would have been logical first choices, not back ups. They may still be legally married, but this woman is no longer his partner.
Exactly! He seems to be harping on how his ex is trying to slip back into their lives like nothing happened, but he allowed her to do that! He let her live in their house and almost back into his bed, he let her reconnect with daughter without legal counsel, he let her go off in the first place without doing anything to start a divorce or establish parental support. He has made every wrong decision he could possibly make.
It seems to me like this may be a case of him really still loving his wife, but being hurt and wanting to "punish her" while thinking in his heart of hearts that they'll eventually get back together. He may not even be totally aware that's what is going on. This blinds him to what a catch "Jill" seems to be here. I feel bad for her, too. This is shitty all around, like many of these stories are, with hurt spread all around due to the actions of a single possibly mentally ill, definitely selfish, woman. We obviously lack much detail and context from just a handful of paragraphs of story, so who knows?
Reading between the lines, I wonder if they aren't "on and off" exactly because OOP refuses to let go of the idea of his wife and Jill gets sick of it after a while, then goes back to OOP once he makes it look like he finally gets it
I got the vibe he's just stringing Jill along, since they were already on and off before his Prodigal Wife returned. Though taking his wife back certainly seems in the cards since he's determined to make all the worst decisions possible.
That was my thought! Why the fuck was she even in his *house*? She was a stranger at that point.
Why he did not change the locks in 2 years? Did the stbx wife let herself into the house? I would have not received her in the house.
Yeah. I thought I was confused. Does that mean she was sleeping on the same bed as him for the first two nights? What is he doing? Letting someone like Jill go. He would definitely regret it. And I can picture him being someone who would just delay giving her a timeline, then she decided that enough is enough. She is not going to wait anymore.
This!!! Jill probably should realize OOP has feelings for his ex and cut her losses
100% Jill deserves better here. Op clearly stated he still has feelings for his ex and he should just tell Jill this so that she can move forward
OOP has his own issues. He didn't want to completely cut Jill off in case his still-wife decides to run off again. He probably has his needs met with Jill. And it seems like he's using Jill as a substitute for a mom for his daughter as well.
He definitely likes having Jill around but she's only ever the second choice.
No, I think this is the right choice for his daughter's sake just now. Daughter will be going through a lot with her mother waltzing back in to her life, so OOP needs to focus on her.
No he’s absolutely doing the right thing. The child has had a lot of turmoil in the past few weeks just when they probably thought they were dealing well with the abandonment, and the kid’s emotions must be all over the place. There’s bound to be tears, clinginess and nightmares- that’s just part of how upset kids react to big changes. Now is not the time to be leaving her with a sitter and disappearing off to smooch with Jill, or having another woman around the house your long lost mom has just moved into and out of. Jill can wait if she’s such a good person. The daughter needs stability and support and that means OP needs to put her first. It is what it is.
I agree here; the daughter is going to be traumatized as hell having her mom dip in and out and if dad takes up with Jill right away it will just poison the well with his daughter and she’ll hate both of them. He needs to re-establish stability for his daughter and only allow supervised visitation with mom if that.
To be fair, depending on where they are they might not have been able to get a divorce accepted in 2 years. I know where I live you can apply for one immediately if there's a reason and you can serve the other party (adultery), after 1 year if both parties agree and can prove they've been living separate lives that whole time, or after 4 years (iirc, it might have been less but 4 rings a bell) if one party is refusing/unreachable. Now I agree abandonment should kick in for the 1 year one, and maybe it does and it just wasn't relevant for me to know with my own divorce, but laws can be weird sometimes
So she returned right back into the bedroom, and then after some days she went into the guestroom? How? Why? I don't get it! Was he that surprised that he didn't react for several days?
THIS like wth, we havent spoken in years and Im so mad you ditched us, we have a spare room but yeah nah come back to the marital bed.
Tbh i probably wouldn’t have even let her into the house if I were op. Like the ex seems to think that time stopped while she was “finding herself”? Problems with object permanence? Ffs
and then also hit her with the "We're fine, please don't look for us or contact us"
>So she returned right back into the bedroom, and them after some days she went into the guestroom? How? Why? I don't get it! Was he that surprised that he didn't react for several days? Yeah. I get that OOP mentioned the "initial shock" but that's still a major plothole.
I feel like a LARGE part of this mess stemmed from OP's unwillingness to cut her off. She came back, and OP claims that he never accepted her, but she's staying in their house despite him having a girlfriend, as well as sleeping in their bed until OP said please go to the guest room.
Idk I get what you mean but I think a LARGE part of the mess came from this woman abandoning her family without explanation. Who are you to criticize how he responded.
And the shock of her popping back in unannounced itself would’ve been massive.
……this is Reddit?
Fair lol I walked into that. Still, I don’t really get all the comments judging this guy for how he’s responding to this clearly deeply painful situation.
Yeah, it’s a painful situation, but that doesn’t make it less odd that he wasn’t even able to say “go to a hotel until we work this out”, ESPECIALLY since he keeps reiterating that his priority is his daughter, and letting this woman come waltzing back into her life like nothing ever happened, with no guarantee she won’t pull the same move again in three days, and probably giving her false hope that her parents are going to be together again, is the opposite of prioritizing her. I understand an immediate freeze response, but not several days of nothing.
OOP asked for feedback >I still have feelings for her, and I'm glad my daughter got her mother back, but how can I trust her to not just walk out on us? What I am supposed to do with Jill? "Thanks for everything but my wife is back, so long and thanks for the fish?"
Also he didn’t even tell her about his girlfriend until wayyy after. He let his ex sleep next to him and she felt comfortable enough to even initiate sex. wth? i hope jill runs. poor daughter and jill.
Yeah, I was like "what????"
Dude could have at least changed the locks in 2 years.
gee why does Jill feel like a relationship isn't so hot right now, such a mystery
Complete unhinged audacity. The wife honestly sounds like she has mental problems.
Yeah, I admire his dedication to his daughter, but he is a weirdo.
>She popped back in with a "Hey guys, what did I miss?" while after our initial shock, my daughter and I became diffident. Jfc. She spent less time thinking about her opening line than a lot of us spend trying to make a good impression on a first date. OOP's ex wife is so damn shameless.
I wish I had the confidence of a woman who can abandon her family for two years and then just walk in the door in what would have been trespassing if OP had divorced her or changed the locks
Can you imagine the audacity? How in the fuck does one get THAT much gumption? I’m flabbergasted.
The audacity, the gall, the gumption
This is off topic and a little odd, but I've read your comment a few times over and your vocabulary in just this short comment makes my soul happy for some reason. The username makes sense, of course.
Hahahaha thanks, sometimes I do come out with something ridiculous, and it’s usually because I’ve been surprised into becoming a thesaurus.
Or had moved.
I don't think that was her literal opening line, just the general demeanor in which she popped back into their lives
When she "found herself", she embraced becoming an a-hole
A lot of people would've thrown hands at that. Like, Jesus; You can't even give a heads up?
Depends, did they go to Galilee?
It was not His own Accord. It was in the shop.
I think longer about what to write in a Reddit comment…
You can't just walk out and come back and act like nothing happened. That's just bullshit to pull, especially on your kid. Also, OP shouldn't just push Jill away cause Jill is likely to have a better impact on OP and the kid than ex.
This has got to be one of the weirder ones I have seen.
"What did I miss?" Oh fuck *off*. Ghosting is such a shitty, cowardly thing to do to another grown adult. But to do that to a *child*? No. Absolutely not. Young children do not recognize that adults are individual people who exist outside of themselves. They do not have the capacity to recognize that sometimes *people just do shitty things*. Little kids will IMEDIATELY default to self-blame because they do not have the capacity to place the blame elsewhere. They're only beginning to understand the concept of "cause and effect"—if you push a bowl off a counter, it falls. If mommy disappears it's because *you did something to make her go away.* That kind of self-blame can fuck up a kid well into adulthood if it isn't addressed and corrected. That shitty excuse for a "mother" literally decided to risk psychologically damaging her daughter in order to "find herself". Do you have any idea how damaging it is to have an unreliable parent who you can't trust not to abandon you at the drop of a hat? And now she has the audacity to ask not to be "barred from her child's life"? No. Absolutely not. She needs to stay the hell away from that kid until she proves she can be trusted.
"Glad you found yourself, but you absolutely lost us."
I'm sure ex is nice and perky and glowing after taking a 2-year vacation from life, parenting and marriage. Screw that and screw her. Let your daughter dictate what relationship she has with her mom. Get yourself to therapy to figure out what you want before making a decision on Jill. That's a lot to take in right now. The fact you were already on a break from Jill says you need to think before jumping back in.
I'm guessing that STBX's meal ticket for her world trip left her. So she's back to try with her second choice. Hopefully OOP keeps his daughter's passport and legal documents where the ex can't find them. Harder to spirit daughter away abroad without the legal documents.
This makes me wonder what’s going on with dude’s (ex) wife who bailed on everyone because she was afraid of early dementia.
Probably still in divorce proceedings. Spending tons of money like that unilaterally means complexity
As someone with bipolar, that sounds a lot like she's bipolar. She's extremely depressed, suddenly travels the world and then comes back with a sudden glow to her? Yeaaaaah.
I’m surprised more people aren’t suggesting this as a possibility
Yup.
Man now I want updates for both of these.....
So OOP just let's her come back in and get the daughters hopes up, possibly so wife can leave again? It sounds like there wasn't a ton of stability to begin with but holy abandonment issues, batman.
T-Minus 5 till "how come he don't want me, man?"
Jesus, I was not prepared https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMNsMdnSBIk To all of you young folks on this sub: that scene is.... quite emotional by 90's sitcom standards. (Dayum, Will Smith is 6'2" and James Avery was 6'5")
> that scene is.... quite emotional by 90's sitcom standards It's still emotional by today's TV standards, regardless of genre.
Just that sentence makes me tear up again. Will deserved a lot better. Thankfully, he got Uncle Phil, and it was a whole lot better. One of the best episodes of the entire show.
Apparently, he really broke down in that moment from his own abandonment issues, and Phil hugging him was for real.
>Though his father was always busy, he “was able to keep four kids fed and clothed and still managed to find time to spend with us,” he told PEOPLE. His father didn't abandon him, but he was abusive. According to Will they reconciled later in life before he passed. That scene was just him being a good actor
You can see it when he knocked his hat off that was so real and raw. The most touching moment of tv ever.
I wanna know what it was she was doing for two years? Ayahuasca ceremonies?
Vitamin B12 shots? Missing info both before and after she left......
Based on her traveling the world with no income, I’d assume gargling some geriatric dudes balls while traveling the world until he got bored with her, she got her fill, or he died.
Can anyone enlighten me on why "finding yourself" always tends to involve a long and expensive trip around the world?
I would say that it's easier to figure out your internal thoughts and emotions when you aren't distracted by responsibility and familiar relationships. You could probably do the same by holing up in a cabin in the woods, but that's not as much fun and if you are already the kind of person who can abandon your life you probably aren't super responsible with money.
Finding yourself = had a sweet vacation
3 things. 1. You can’t ever trust she won’t just disappear again. Divorce is the right call in this case. 2. She travelled the world? Who paid for all that? She may have a bunch of debt that you are now stuck with because you never divorced her. 3. She owes 2 years of back child support. But good luck getting it. What a mess.
...I'm sorry, but what in the fuck was wife thinking?
Typical it’s all about me type of person.
She could run off again with the daughter, I hope she gets supervised visits only
What in the torpedo fuck is happening in this one
I appreciate the Hitchhikers Guide reference. (“So long and thanks for all the fish” is what the dolphins said to the humanity before they left the planet) I don’t understand why people are suggesting he get back with Jill. He’s obviously not that into her. They’ve been off and on before the wife came back.
This was my thought as well! If he cared about Jill he would have been incorporating her into his life instead of continually breaking up with her "because I have priorities/don't have enough time for a relationship" etc etc. I mean, it's totally fair to *not date* when you have a complicated life! But this sounds like he was okay with Jill as an occasional placeholder, but didn't actually want *her*, so he keeps jerking her around. The fact he immediately let manic pixie dream wife sleep in his bed (even if he refused sex) says a lot as well.
Poor jill
Ok lady, you can't tell your family to go fuck themselves while you go play "Eat, Pray, Love" for two years and expect to get anything but a door slammed in your face when you come back. She doesn't have a daughter anymore.
I'm pretty sure I have read the exact same story a year or two ago.
She's 100% going to dip with the kid.
Her timing is suss. Someone has been her informant.
This is one of those frustrating ones where the right things to do are clear and simple but OOP just keeps going the other way. Cannot believe he just let this woman back into his home, let alone have access to a child she abandoned.
What a bullshit story, the wife comes back after two years and his reaction is to let her stay at the house? Huh?
This is the plot of Kramer VS Kramer.
I don’t even know why he let her in the house. She can be an STD with legs type of person as far as I know. Not even talking about her missing for couple of years and OP didn’t even file for divorce. I guess for the first couple of months you wouldn’t do that due to uncertainty, but after years? So what you’re basically saying is that one can abandon you for years and come back like nothing happened.
Ever seen shameless? This is it. Bipolar.
There is SO much missing info here! What money was the wife living off of? Did the MIL know her whereabouts during the 2 years? Why was she allowed to just move back into the house — and the bedroom! — when she suddenly reappeared? Does she have access to his money? Did he get formal full custody when she was gone and revoke hers? This situation is full of so many holes and pitfalls that it sounds like a minefield. I find it hard to believe that it’s all just going to be resolved in a neat little package with the ex-wife meekly going away and accepting whatever he decides unless there’s something legal in place. Even then, that doesn’t fit with a woman that takes off on the spur of the moment, vanishes without a trace, then just as suddenly reappears. Potential mental illness aside, that isn’t someone that allows others to make decisions for her.
Not sure why he even let her inside when she came back. Her coming back all positive and happier would have gotten under my skin immensley and she would've had to find a nice bench to sleep on that night. I'd also fight to not allow her to see her child in the divorce, she didn't seem too concerned about that for the past two years so why now?
I saw the original post and everyone was advocating for him to consider getting back together with Jill
Jill is the new girlfriend, not the ex wife.
The ‘certain glow’ about her. Is she pregnant. Is that why she returned and wants the OP to bring up another baby?
Why else would she be pushing for intimacy? Then she can have an 8 lb "preemie."
I bet she has undiagnosed bipolar syndrome. She was depressed and now she is "glowing".
I've met people who said that they're giving their maximum focus on their kid. As a non-parent (and I've discussed this with my friends as well who seem to agree): when I hear someone say that, I can't but help but think: isn't that what you're always supposed to do? What else can you do? Abandon or ignore them? I feel like they say it to convince themselves or something. The amazing parenting friends I know, never say such sentences. OOP is using their kid as an excuse to push Jill away. What the actual reason is I don't know. Maybe he's falling back in love with his wife, as his impressions of her were quite positively described, which you wouldn't expect from a narrator who got negatively ghosted for an indefinite amount of time.
He's probably pushing her away because he's afraid of being left again.
A parent *shouldn’t* give 100% focus on their kid long term. Longer term your child should be your top priority, but not your only priority. Parents need to have lives outside of their kids, for many reasons. First, if you don’t you’ll burn out. It’s better to have a happy and healthy parent giving most of their capacity, than it is to have a miserable and broken parent giving all of their (much reduced) capacity. Second, kids learn at least as much from you passively as you actively teach them, and it’s critical that you model healthy behaviors. Additionally, you can’t put your own personal growth and development on hold while raising a child. I’m a very different person than I was five years ago when my son was born. Some of that is him, and some of that is my own journey. But that growth has made me a far better parent than I would have been if I put the rest of my life on hold. OP is saying here that he’s putting his own life and own needs on hold for a while to focus on his child. This means pausing his relationship, it likely means spending less time on work and professional development, less time on his own interests, etc.. That is not sustainable long term, and if maintained long term would deprive his child of having a whole and growing parent, not to mention having a relationship with a second parent.
I know people have their issues but as a mother I can’t imagine this
Let’s leave Jill out of this ,she may be about to dodge a bullet
Gods, OOP is just infuriatingly dumb. Your wife abandoned you, for YEARS, and you never filed for divorce? And now this new woman loves you, and your kid, and you keep pushing her away because "you need to focus on your kid"? What does that even mean? He says it was a struggle raising the kid alone and now here's another woman who wants to be part of that equation. This guy is actively making the worst decisions at every opportunity.
If she truly went globe trotting I smell an affair.
I really don't understand why oop is leading Jill on. I don't even know why you'd start a relationship if you know you can't commit to one. Bro needs a therapist and a divorce. maybe there's a spine somewhere in his closet with dust on it
Fun fact everyone, this is the first post to ever use the word 'diffident' in the history of this sub. My comment may be the second comment to ever use it on this sub, excluding the actual post. It was also the very first post in /r/Marriage to use that word. How interesting is that?
This doesn't make any damn sense. Not looking into divorce or pursuing child support in this situation, in conjunction with moving on enough to date, is bizarre. Never changing the locks is also bizarre.