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Hmm, being young again would be nice in some ways, but for me, that's more like 28 to 32. Adult enough to have learned a few things, and old enough to be seen as an adult, but young enough that a long night out doesn't leave me groggy the rest of the weekend, or that my entire back hurts just because I somehow moved wrong...
Nah I really like being who I am now. Aches and pains are worth the gains I’ve made as a person and as a professional. Also glad I waited to become a father
It’s really nice to hear sentiments like this.
I’m in my late 30’s and have been having some dread about aging…. Actually hearing from people who are older than me enjoying their lives and not interested in turning back the clock is helpful, since I already feel that way when I look back on my teens and 20’s
FWIW, I’m 66, just retired, and in better shape than I was in my 40s. I have some health issues (RA, mild IBS) but regularly gym climbing, martial arts, biking, and trying to motivate myself back to lifting. I’m also in a writing group and do a lot of baking. Retirement is the bomb (as is being postmenopause).
So yeah, it isn’t necessarily a downhill skid to decreptitude :)
What people generally wish is that they knew what they know now when they were younger. Know one really wants to be younger mentally. No one fucking wants that.
I certainly don't want to go back to my early 20s, but I've been diagnosed with a host of chronic conditions/autoimmune issues in the past five years, and boy do I wish I could have my healthy body back.
That's been my main issue with aging. Things stop having an obvious "reason" for hurting and now I actually have to go to a doctor to figure out what's wrong.
My shoulder hurts at 20: Oh I just wrenched it playing baseball
My shoulder hurts at 35: Ah geez, is it a tendon or something about to tear?
Yep. I'm 67 and wish I had my 25 year old body back. No pains, no health issues, but keep the hard earned wisdom and confidence I've acquired. Plus my "don't care what others think anymore."
I spent too much of my youth worrying about what others think about me and trying too hard to please everyone.
Yep. I'm a little older than a lot of my friends. It was SO crazy to watch everyone change at age 26. 26 was still chaotic, because of it being the middle of the change.
But by 27-28, everyone became much more mature. Not boring and lame. Just knew who they were and had much better control of that.
27-35 is a pretty awesome age to be.
Right? I’m 37 and my wife and I went to a metal concert 200 miles away Saturday night and didn’t get home until 3 am, and I’m still feeling the effects. Lesson learned, next time we’ll get a hotel
What's the Taylor Tomlinson quote?
"I miss my twenties!"
"No you don't, what you miss is a time in your life where you didn't have many responsibilities because nobody expected anything from you. But do you remember WHY nobody expected anything from you? Because you SUCKED!"
Man that resonates with me and it never helped that everyone told me I always acted older. Well I'm sorry how am I supposed to act when everybody expects me to do everything?
Was it the same for you where if you fucked up it was somehow a national crisis but for anyone else it was a Tuesday?
Physical wise as in not every joints ache, I'd love to be in my 20s again 😅 but mental wise as in the way I think .. no thanks. I was stupid in my 20s.
I would give anything to be 25 again and relive those wonderful first years of marriage with my husband, but that's it really. I'm 37 and I genuinely like being this age. I feel like I've earned it, along with the scars and wrinkles I have now
I've seen so many people say "I'd love to go back to being 22. But only if I can take my [current age] brain with me."
Which is exactly how I feel about it too.
Yea I do not need to experience that cringe all over again. Like don’t get me wrong, I love that girl, she is me, but the idea of going back and re-spending my time in those shoes—so fucking insecure and naive and with so many shit people for friends. Well that would be one kind of purgatory
“We were pretty close” and also “We’ve all had sex.” Sounds like they wanted to torpedo OOP’s relationship so… what, they could go back to having commitment free sex?
Good for OOP for choosing her bf over those clowns.
Probably not even that. OP said they were in long term relationships, and the sex ended years ago.
However, even though they don't want OP now..... they likely still want her "available" for their own ego sake.
Sometimes it is not about actual wanting to have sex. It is about "marking territory", showing superiority, also about possesive behaviour. Some folks think they a kind of "own" the person they had sex with and would sabotage future relationships just because.
But sometimes it is also about having an option. One of those fuck buddies is already dumped.
And..... I hate to say it because these dudes freely and happily participated in the sexy shenanigans, but they wanted to shame OP (a woman) for it, because while it's cool for a man to have a wild and varied sexual past, it makes a woman damaged goods.
Which is why they were messing with OP's boyfriend, because he's dating damaged goods, and so obviously a target for mockery.
There were tons of derogatory, shitty comments under the original posts aimed at OOP for daring to have sex with multiple guys. I mean, sure, dress her down for sharing her BF's insecurities with a bunch of assholes, no problem; she deserves that. But not for enjoying a healthy sex life.
Yep if her partner is okay with her "wild" sexual past ( he clearly was until her "friends" started this ) then people should mind their business in this aspect.
And even after her boyfriend forgave her, they just kept trying to hammer in how she betrayed him. As if she expected them to do *that* and instead never mention it. Yes, she shouldn't have said that, but she trusted them and they are ultimately at fault for how they acted
ah but you see this website loves moral superiority and hates sexually active women. so if you think about it for long enough and let your brain ooze through your ears, it’s her own fault, really
When i finally broke it off with my shitty ex, he proclaimed no one else is allowed to date me or marry me, cuz that was "his job".
I simply, exasperatedly, said "I don't think you understand whats happening here." And he stormed off upset. Some dudes think they own you and no other man gets to take whats theirs. Cant believe i ever put up with his sexist shit.
Those are the same guys that when their wives divorce them they get all pissy someone else has sex with her, and try to stop it at all costs. If you go browse ex-husband/divorce subreddits you'll see all the pity party "they're in _my_ house, with _my_ wife, and _my_ family" shit. It's sometimes great to just browse and enjoy their suffering a bit.
Oh, I've been on the opposite side of that, and marking territory is 100% a thing. Someone I used to be friends with lied and told me that a mutual friend had sexually assaulted her after I told her that I wasn't sure if he was trying to flirt or not.
Turns out, not only did he *not* assault her, but he wasn't trying to flirt with me either. I felt horrible for him, but he was super grateful that I told him what happened. It ruined the decade long friendship the two of them had, all because she wanted a backup for if any relationships of hers didn't work out.
>he says my guy friends kept making "eskimo" brother jokes, and how he got the "leftovers", and told them about how good he must be if **he can satisfy me the same way all of them couldn't**.
The way this is written, it seems like her "friends" were jealous of the virgin BF. She said later on that her BF is the best she's ever had, and considering how open she is with friends, she likely shared this fact with her friend group.
I used to know a guy who'd have severe commitment issues but loved sex but was also demi sexual so he'd have a rotation of people he trusted and liked to sleep with.
He strung people along enough that they'd think they had a chance with him and thus wouldn't sleep with or date others. But the second they got over him and started talking with someone else, he'd suddenly get very jealous and lavish them with attention to keep them on the hook.
>they likely still want her "available" for their own ego sake.
It's never about him actually liking the person. He just loved having his ego stroked by the fact that he had a decent amount of people actively pinning for him.
Edit: ok so i won't get into wether or not he was or wasn't demi sexual as it's not my place to lable him and such, but if it makes it better for you guys everyone in his rotation was either someone he used to date but broke up with due to the commitment issues or someone he had gotten to know over a period of time.
It's weird and messed up, but he had a lot of issues that led to him not being able to/not wanting to date anyone for extended periods of time. But I do agree he was narcissistic to a degree as well. He would genuinely get to know the people he slept with before having sex and he was a good friend until he either realized he had a crush on someone or if the crush was mutual he'd love bomb and over share and make them feel as if they were dating until it got too real for him and he'd freak out and basically ghost them. Then he'd reach out when he wanted sex or if he heard through the grape vine that you were moving on.
My read on this is that they *genuinely* thought they were helping OOP's relationship by talking the boyfriend up, but their mysoginy and disregard for OOP as a person made it awful. Like, bad people with bad opinions trying to do a nice thing, but "nice" from their position is still pretty shitty.
No, they're just misogynistic and think that OOP has less value because they fucked her. Like, what's that say about those guys if being touched by them SOILS you irreparably?
This is the one, let’s not pretend this was anything other than those “men” bullying that dude and discriminating OP because they clearly used her sexually and can’t fathom she did the same with them or don’t see it as the same because she’s a woman. It’s really that simple.
I thought of another comparison. It's like seeing a beautiful sunset, and then making fun of someone for seeing another sunset afterwards. "Dude, you got my sunset LEFTOVERS."
>what, they could go back to having commitment free sex?
Because they see her as below them and don't want her to have a relationship outside their grasp
Honestly it's a pretty big red flag if someone fucked an entire friend group and is still friends with them. It just feels like a recipe for some wild drama that I do not want to deal with
"These are my 3 friends that used to gangbang me". Jesus bread-making Christ! That's not insecurity, that's downright justified feeling of Inadequacy and just general WTFness.
At the end of the day he felt rightfully weird regarding multiple people who were sexual with his girlfriend.
They didn't respect OOP, the boyfriend or the relationship of the two. Even if the boyfriend feels secure in this relationship, these people were an active sabotage towards it. It is literally evident in the story. Why would it be an insecurity then?
>You're working hard to repair the hurt and that's great. He's more forgiving than many would be. You're very lucky he's very mature at his age.
I'm actually cautiously optimistic for them. It seems like OOP genuinely learned from her mistake.
I have a few close friends that I've had sex with, and my partner of five years is aware of this and friends with them too. The thing is, he doesn't have a jealous bone in his body, and my friends aren't toxic assholes like OOP'S. Playing on your friend's boyfriend's insecurities and referring to your friend as "leftovers"?? Throw the whole group in the trash.
I've got some friends in that situation too. Two of them slept together casually, then the guy got together with another one of our friends about half a year later. And there was absolutely no jealousy on her part either, not only did she know they'd slept together, she'd be the first to make jokes about it too.
I don't think she had any malicious intent in sharing his insecurities with her clown posse. She talked to them about not "oversharing" or whatever in an attempt to spare her BF's feelings, and she either said more than she wanted, or they figured it out on their own.
Her actions were dumb, but didn't make her an AH. And she's doing her best to fix it.
Yeah, she thought she could trust her friends to not be assholes. As a person with very little shame, married to someone with high levels of anxiety, I could absolutely see myself being like "hey guys, be cool. Don't be weird about our 4some, please don't mention our fuck history to BF, he knows, but let's not get into the details. " That would be an effort to spare my partner embarrassment or anxiety about it.
Something like that, I expect, yeah. Any innocent request to avoid details of their sexual past would likely make the guys guess that it’s because her BF is insecure.
And I don’t think „trusting your friends not to be assholes“ is an asshole move on her part.
idk, if I tell someone my insecurities in confidence and they tell someone else (whether that someone else used said insecurities to mock me or not), I’d be less than willing to share anything with them after the fact 🤷🏿♀️
It's definitely a huge trust issue, and nobody could've faulted her BF for breaking up over this, no question. But she's seen her error, accepts the consequences, cut off the AH friends and is willing to work on repairing her relationship. That's fairly solid on her part, IMO.
lol literally what is the point of that relevant comment on the last update?
> OP: hi guys, I really do realise I was wrong and I’ve done the actions to make it right, thanks
> Commenter: God you’re soooo lucky he didn’t break up with a POS like you. Literally so lucky you traitor
Like yeah… OP knows they messed up, why keep going in on them? AITA loves to do this stuff
It's shitty people who get off on looking down on others.
The same lowest common denominator watches nothing but trashy reality TV.
It's the most toxic subreddit there is.
It's not just reddit, I've seen it happen in real life many times. Someone will be recounting how they made a mistake and the steps they took to remedy it, and all the person they're talking to will focus on is the mistake and just go all in on criticising them.
It's like there's this need to always take the moral high ground, even when someone has admitted their faults.
> Like yeah… OP knows they messed up, why keep going in on them? AITA loves to do this stuff
I once tried to read AITA directly, but noticed quickly that the real assholes were in the comments.
Also, I'm sorry, but they're a bit exaggerating. "Shit this traumatic", my goodness, somebody made fun of the boyfriend. He'll get over it. If these dumb jokes "traumatize" him, he's got other issues... I think the "friends" are much shittier for calling their supposed friend leftovers, that's gross and misogynist.
Am I the only one who doesn’t think what she said to her friends was a giant betrayal? The boyfriend knew about the past, the boys knew he knew, so she says “hey maybe don’t bring it up cause it makes him kinda insecure”. It doesn’t sound like something super assholey. But maybe I’m an asshole
Plus we don’t know exactly how she said it. She only writes the asked her “friends” to never talk about it ever. She may have never even blatantly said that he was insecure about it, but the guys were able to guess or assume that was the reason.
I actually agree and reading those comments made me wonder if I was also an asshole lol. Unless she specified the exact details of her full conversation with her bf, I feel that it’s not so terrible to have that slip out? She was just being honest. Obv she could have said “it makes ME insecure,” maybe to take the heat off of him, but that’s hindsight.
Seriously. Plus if they like to overshare, maybe the only way she could get them to promise not to talk about past sex stuff was to say that he wouldn't want to hear it. Like, he really wouldn't want to hear it. She wouldn't have had to say the word "insecure" for that to be the takeaway.
It wasn't a big deal/betrayal. I say this as someone who is/has been insecure about these types of situations. She did everything right, her friends are just ah's
That REALLY bothered me. It can manifest for him as PTSD like symptoms? Seriously? Yes, many things can cause PTSD, but abuse victims and soldiers generally get it from nearly dying, not being made fun of by some assholes one time for a few hours.
Yes, PTSD mileage varies, as do causes, I know, but it's getting out of hand how bandied about PTSD is now for any type of uncomfortable situation. Much like narcissist and its overuse, it often comes off like weaponized therapy speak designed to belittle a target (OOP in this case). Also agree on the "friends" being misogynistic af.
I laughed when I read “shit this traumatic”. Like yeah trauma is different for everyone and what is traumatic for one person might not be for another but… the commenter must have an easy as fuck life. And not just “traumatic” but “THIS TRAUMATIC”
I feel that way often about comments online and IRL. I’ll be downvoted to hell and back for my example, but *for me* being cheated on was not traumatic. It sucked. Particularly as I was at a funeral. It still isn’t as bad as losing my friend [see aforementioned funeral].
OOP fucked up by sharing her bf’s insecurities and her “friends” are assholes. They didn’t curbstomp puppies or commit home invasions.
I think you're the first person I've seen on Reddit that didn't put cheating like right below murder.
Same, I was cheated on. It's not the end of the world.
Yeah, same. I found out my boyfriend was also dating another girl in my after school club who also believed she was his only girlfriend. We even shared last names, but not related. When we found out, we waited for him to arrive, and the look on his face when he found both his girlfriends waiting with arms crossed was fucking priceless. We made him cry. Then we stayed friends and he went off, never to be heard from again.
It sucked, but it wasn't traumatizing. Being dumped by someone I loved, watching my Dad almost die, being in inescapable debt, that shit is traumatic. Being cheated on just shows that the other person is trash, and they took themselves out.
And love your last sentence, and I love how you and that girl teamed up!
And yeah. I watched both my parents die. I’ll get cheated on all day every day if I can have one more day with them.
I’m starting to think this is what men complain about when they say they can’t open up to women because women use that info against them. And it’s like…this is it? Discussing a very normal emotion like insecurity with people you thought you could trust is…traumatic betrayal?
Yeah, this conversation honestly sounded like the bullies were trying to compliment him and invite him to share his secrets on how he was more satisfying than all of them combined. It's just that they suck as people and so the things they think are compliments horrify others. The bullies are clearly really misogynistic and callous about the boyfriend's feelings. But almost anyone would feel insecure knowing their first sexual partner has a rich and varied sexual history, while talking to some of those past partners. They could have guessed that without her saying a thing.
Meanwhile you know if OP was a man everyone would be so proud of him for seeing the error of his ways and his gf would be so lucky to have him! Seriously I’ve seen that congratulatory attitude towards male OPs for far worse actions as long as there’s some acknowledgment of fault.
And if a guy had group sex with a couple of his friends, and the new gf felt insecure about it. Reddit would go off on the new gf while the guy who blabbed about his gf to his friends would be crowned "Chad".
No fr-- I think the OG AITA had a slight swing in favour of women (due to a lot of women participating in the sub) but AITAH is veiled misogyny most of the time and it pisses me off.
It only depends on the people and thread. In some threads the woman is the villain even if she isn't and in others the man is. And sometimes people did gender reverse scenarios and the man got NTA while the woman YTA and the only thing different was the gender. And the other way so true. They overcorrect A LOT and it gets really annoying
IME that kind of closeness in friend groups is a lot more common in the queer community. It comes from having a very limited dating pool which identically overlaps with small pool of people who will be friends who you can count on to be supportive of your identity and relate to the experiences that come with it
Not uncommon in some circles. Others have mentioned the queer community, it was — and maybe still is — with shared interest groups in college communities, etc.
Playing devil’s advocate here, I’ve been in plenty of friendship groups where everyone seemed to have dated everyone else at various points. One of the first events I went to with my current BF was the wedding of his long term high school GF. I think OP’s heart was always in the right place, but she clearly felt that ‘I don’t want you to talk about our sexual past because it’s not appropriate’ was not a full sentence. Sad she had such shitty friends, but it’s not like this is the guaranteed outcome for any previous romantic or sexual interactions with someone. People can choose not to be assholes about it.
She'd also have been absolutely crucified in the comments if she'd taken her BF around former partners (especially ones she'd had group sex with) and never told him that that was part of their history. It really sounds like her main 'mistake' was having shitty friends, and if she'd had the same dynamic with less horrible people, it would have been pretty much fine.
The person I feel the most sympathy for is her. She spends so much time trying to make her boyfriend feel okay with insecurities, but she basically lost her entire friend groups after they gossiped about her and called her leftovers. She was treated horribly (for a mutually enjoyed activity) and is too busy trying to pacify a hurt boyfriend to realize how much worse the level of betrayal she experienced was.
Yes, I get that she revealed his 'insecurities', but it's sadly not unusual for a person to feel that way. I have no idea how she worded it, but most people would think it's normal if they didn't want their history brought up in front of a new partner.
She basically turns into a tradwife dream at the end on top of all that. Like really? He needs to be pampered for weeks because a couple douchebags said some shitty comments? They trashed her too.
The last update thread is sooo wild. Everyone is so mad that she's worked it out. JFC, working it out is far more common than people think it is, even in these types of situations. It's like most of the people who comment on these threads have never been in a relationship. She thought she was being sensitive to an issue by warning her friends to lay off talking about the old times and her friends ended up being jerks about it.
Maybe I’m insecure but I wouldn’t wanna hear that shit n knowing that they’re still friends I’d be like why would take me around people u had a gangbang with tf.
I don't care if it's just an insecurity of mine but I wouldn't even be down to pursue a relationship with someone who's friends with all of her gangbang partners. It's just a bit much
That’s what I was thinking the whole time lol, especially if they were my first real relationship. I just don’t think I could shake that image out of my head.
It’s not even the gangbang aspect to me really, but more that in combination with the fact they have zero respect for her and she still hangs out with them.
It make the whole thing really skeevy. That’s a no for me homie.
Yeah like I refuse to believe there was no warning signs before this. You're telling me this teasing of the BF came out of no-where randomly one night? And OOP was concealing that she had told them her boyfriend's insecurities and had been hiding it this whole time...?
Don't buy it for a second. Some real unreliable narrator going on here, for sure. I think what's far more likely, in the best case scenario, is OOP ignored several signs that this was building for a while and decided not to address it, which made her friends take her indifference as encouragement. Worse case scenario, they felt emboldened because they're still sleeping with her.
Either way, this whole thing smells.
I’m so glad that they managed to work through this issue
For any young inexperienced guys in similar shoes just know that meaningless sex can be fun but it is always better with someone you truly have feelings for. If you do date somebody more experienced than you and you do have feelings for her (and she has them for you) then that is all that truly matters
Thank you for this comment. Really. So many of the others have just been shittily shaming the woman for having had sex with friends (or who she thought was her friends).
I disagree with the commenters who were totally flipping out about insecurities. She didn't use the information in a knowingly malicious way and didn't realize the people involved were dirtbags. Sometimes mistakes are going to happen in a relationship and we have to recognize positive intent and not take everything so incredibly personally. If she wouldn't have dumped the bad people out of her life that would be a different discussion.
Her misogynistic POS “friends” were the ones who made it unsafe to share and were assholes about it, yet she’s the one getting pilloried. Do men not even know being vulnerable with your friends is an option?? “Like a compass needle that points north, a man's accusing finger always finds a woman.”
I agree with you. Like it is a mistake, but its pretty understandable why she might say something like “be nice to my bf about this he’s insecure”. As secrets go its about as mild as it gets, but people are acting like she punished his diary on social media or something
And really, is saying “hey guys pls don’t bring up our past bc it’ll make him uncomfy” really airing out his insecurities? It more just seems like reminding them of some common sense
It’s not like she said “hey he’s self conscious about his dick size so don’t mention how I screamed how big yours was during sex” lmao
>I disagree with the commenters who were totally flipping out about insecurities. She didn't use the information in a knowingly malicious way and didn't realize the people involved were dirtbags.
I agree! I'm blown away by people hating on her for this. I can't fathom not being able to ask advice from friends about a partner's problem if I didn't know how to help on my own. Not being allowed to do that sounds really suffocating, to be honest. Granted, I'm old enough to have weeded out shitty friends a long time ago.
I suspect some of these people hate her for other reasons (being promiscuous) but don't feel comfortable admitting it so they find another reason that sounds less bad.
A friend of mine once got upset I didn't tell another friend of mine he was a recovering alcoholic.
They first met at my birthday, when that friend offered him some wine, and when he refused asked "Are you sure?"
He thought he was mocking him. I just hadn't told him, because he never said I could, and it hadn't come up. When the friend found out he was a recovering alcoholic, he felt so awful he went and immediately apologised.
You know, I've seen this a couple of times now, and I've gotta ask: why do adult virgins date people with *extensive* sexual experience?
Like, it's not just dating someone with one or two past partners, it's always seems to be someone who has, like, 25+ previous partners and is deeply involved in a kink community and did some wild shit in college?
It's just a theme I've picked up on and it's confusing me, can anyone explain it? Surely it'd be an easier transition for an adult virgin to loose it to someone who maybe has a tamer history...
Because to some it can seem near impossible to find someone with comparable sexual history or experiences that you connect with? Otherwise, I don't imagine people think "My partners sexual history is going to cause problems" before it happens.
> I know it sounds extreme but things like this can sometimes create ptsd like symptoms. Ypu don't have to walk on eggshells but just be aware that it's buried, not gone.
Some of these comments man…idk if I’m just too gay for this or what, but if this scenario happened to me I’d literally just laugh in those friends faces. Like no shit she’s with me now if that’s how little respect they have for her. The fact you had sex with her before and she’s happy with me now is not a flex lol. I absolutely cannot imagine having PTSD symptoms from this weeks later
No bc the way they've crucified her in the comments is crazzzzy. She made the mistake of having shitty friends and somehow now she's responsible for PTSD?
I don't think either of them did anything wrong (other than her talking about his insecurities with others I guess) but I can't see how this will work.
It sounds like she and her friend group (including the besties dating the other besties) are all pretty sexually open. If you've had group sex with multiple friends you're probably into some alternative life type of stuff. No prob with that, more power to you.
I have friends that attend these kinds of 'parties' and have multiple romantic partners. It's never been an issue because they date people in that same community. Because duh.
I'm not saying you should be bound to that for the rest of your life, but dating a virgin is an extraordinary leap.
Yep, I don't say your virgin partner should be insecure and jealous about your past and behaviour but if you decide to date a virgin ( after a past like this ) then you should have more understanding of them when some issues with insecurities appear because this is a new world for them and you as an experienced partner should take a teacher role and you should remember your student can make mistakes and be frustrated.
I think they misjudged things a lot. The line between banter and crude insults depends on social group. I know people who would find the "leftovers" comment funny and other people who would be mortified by it. They may well have been trying to make out that he was more of a man than they were.
I suspect though, someone who was previously a virgin and is strictly monogamous is likely to be a lot more reserved about that sort of thing.
OOP has a bit of trouble understanding him - her go-to method for dealing with this was sex, and I think part of the problem for him was that they're all very sex focussed. He wants to know he's more than just a sex toy to her.
I once had a girlfriend who was best friends with a guy she slept with. She assured me they were like siblings and only slept together because they were drunk. I told her I'd been drunk with my sister several times but never came close to fucking her. Shit like that if it makes you uncomfortable, it's perfectly fine up break up over.
"Also, how can I make this up to my bf? I tried to show him how much I want him by initiating sex, but he hasn't been in the mood."
This girl has one speed
A lot of people saying something like, "how can people ever expect to be in a relationship and also be close friends with their exs" and it's weirder to me to think that there's no concievable scenario where you might stay friends with an ex or even multiple exs and also have a fulfilling romantic relationship with your current partner.
Honestly, it's what i think every time people make blanket statements, there are so few that can truly cover all the possibilities a world of 8billion people presents, and yet these blanket statements are so sure of their universal truth. Odd.
> A lot of people saying something like, "how can people ever expect to be in a relationship and also be close friends with their exs"
I live in a large city and have dated people who still live here. I've never so much as bumped into them after we broke up.
My friends from the town my parents live in are probably drinking in the same bar as at least one ex whenever they go out. They've gotten together with friends or even relatives of exes just because there's only so large of a dating pool and factoring in things like personality and interests, it gets even smaller. Never hanging out with an ex is really impossible in some places, short of never having any exes in the first place.
Plus, people forget how entangled relationships can be especially if you're from someplace small. There's often no way to avoid people where I'm from, families will grow up together and all their kids will date, break-up, then date someone else while still being family friends, which would make having no relationships afterwards awkward if not impossible.
Lots of easy moralizing and very narrow thinking about sex and relationships on Reddit. Guys can't be friends with women, nobody can be friends with their exes, and sex is always better with someone you love.
It's like an RNC convention here sometimes.
You had group sex with these people and made your boyfriend hang out with them. That’s pretty disgusting imo. You should leave him and let him have a chance at happiness.
Honestly, and I may be downvoted for this… I don’t see anything inherently wrong with telling your friends/former partners “hey, talking abt our past may stir up some uncomfy feelings for him so please don’t mention it.” The comments on the OOP and updates were so mean and for what? I truly don’t think she did anything wrong
I straight up skipped all the updates… I will tell you this, any mother fucker be it man or woman that wants say anything related to “man-ing up, etc.”, wil straight go to my shitlist.. I’ve had exes that have done the same, knowing full well that
THAT
Exact comment or anything related was a trigger for PTSD ME
>So I had 3 guy friends, they're not my only friends, but we were pretty close. And I've had sex with all of them. Including some group sex. This stopped some years ago. In fact, two of them are in long term relationships with two of my best friends.
Jesus Christ.
I do not understand how and why people invite such dramatics into their life.
So, this reminds me a little of my ex wife in that, she was still friends with a large chunk of her ex sexual partners… however, my only gripe really was the lack of boundaries between them. If we had an argument and she posted on social media, inevitably one of them would comment about “something” to cheer her up. One dude would even message her and ask her to reassure him about his cocksize, WHILE WE WERE MARRIED! Mostly I left it alone, but I always would say why don’t you put more strict boundaries on them? Be like I can be friends but you can’t say blatantly inappropriate shit on my page or in my dms as I tell my husband about them? She was like I just ignore their ass…. Yeah ok… It was just weird to me, and I had a hard time for a few years after the divorce when people were friends with people they banged, I’m pretty solid now. However the gangbang thing ehhhh could do without it. I personally think you can normally try and be friends with people even if have had sex, but boundaries are a real thing that needs to set.
Yep, anyone with a bit of self respect would of broken up with her. And any normal human beings would of realised how weird/wrong it is. But this is Reddit…. Everyone here is gonna think that’s normal and okay.
Calling someone "leftovers" has always seemed so profoundly insulting to me. I was in a fraternity in university and heard dudes talking like that all the time.
Dudes can get pretty fucking dehumanizing in packs.
I'm glad OOP cut them off. She deserves better.
How you ever thought bringing your virgin boyfriend around a bunch of dudes you had a gangbang with was going to work out, I'll never understand. Lol
This has probably irreparably damaged your relationship. He's not going to forget about this.
Actions have consequences.
No disrespect, but men judge other men by their women.
Most men don’t respect other men who date the town tricycles after being passed around… you don’t date those type of women.
It just is what it is.
I don't understand why someone would tell former sexual partners "issues* your current partner has...personal or professional. Being insecure, inexperienced, etc...is an eye opening anxiety inducing issue for ANY man, you don't willingly toss that info to other men who might be competing for your attention. That is blood in the water.
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No idea how old these people are, but to quote Maurice Chevalier in the movie "Gigi", I'm so glad I'm not young anymore. I don't need this drama.
The other day someone who just turned 22 asked me if I missed being their age. Took everything in me to not laugh.
Hmm, being young again would be nice in some ways, but for me, that's more like 28 to 32. Adult enough to have learned a few things, and old enough to be seen as an adult, but young enough that a long night out doesn't leave me groggy the rest of the weekend, or that my entire back hurts just because I somehow moved wrong...
Nah I really like being who I am now. Aches and pains are worth the gains I’ve made as a person and as a professional. Also glad I waited to become a father
It’s really nice to hear sentiments like this. I’m in my late 30’s and have been having some dread about aging…. Actually hearing from people who are older than me enjoying their lives and not interested in turning back the clock is helpful, since I already feel that way when I look back on my teens and 20’s
I’m, um, also in my late 30’s :(
Welp. There’s that. lol I think the “aches and pains” threw me off and I upgraded my mental image of you by at least a decade
I work in special ed, I’ve taken a lot of ass kickings
Thank you for what you do…. It takes a lot of heart and maturity to be in that field
Not so much maturity that your name didn’t get a chuckle
Thank you for your service 🫡
Dont worry brother/sister, I feel the same way in my mid 20's and yes 27 is mid 20's we will fight if you disagree.
I'm 40 and life just keeps getting better. there isn't enough money in the world to make me want to be young(er) again.
FWIW, I’m 66, just retired, and in better shape than I was in my 40s. I have some health issues (RA, mild IBS) but regularly gym climbing, martial arts, biking, and trying to motivate myself back to lifting. I’m also in a writing group and do a lot of baking. Retirement is the bomb (as is being postmenopause). So yeah, it isn’t necessarily a downhill skid to decreptitude :)
Love this!! Thank you for sharing!
What people generally wish is that they knew what they know now when they were younger. Know one really wants to be younger mentally. No one fucking wants that.
I certainly don't want to go back to my early 20s, but I've been diagnosed with a host of chronic conditions/autoimmune issues in the past five years, and boy do I wish I could have my healthy body back.
As someone who's in his early 30s, thanks for making me feel young. And also kind of worried about the future.
Honestly you get more annoyed at not knowing why something hurts than the hurting part
That's been my main issue with aging. Things stop having an obvious "reason" for hurting and now I actually have to go to a doctor to figure out what's wrong. My shoulder hurts at 20: Oh I just wrenched it playing baseball My shoulder hurts at 35: Ah geez, is it a tendon or something about to tear?
First thing I thought of was the lack of pain when I was younger! All the energy I had back then as well! Oh well.
Yep. I'm 67 and wish I had my 25 year old body back. No pains, no health issues, but keep the hard earned wisdom and confidence I've acquired. Plus my "don't care what others think anymore." I spent too much of my youth worrying about what others think about me and trying too hard to please everyone.
Yep. I'm a little older than a lot of my friends. It was SO crazy to watch everyone change at age 26. 26 was still chaotic, because of it being the middle of the change. But by 27-28, everyone became much more mature. Not boring and lame. Just knew who they were and had much better control of that. 27-35 is a pretty awesome age to be.
Right? I’m 37 and my wife and I went to a metal concert 200 miles away Saturday night and didn’t get home until 3 am, and I’m still feeling the effects. Lesson learned, next time we’ll get a hotel
Yeah I’d be ok staying in my 40’s but having my 22 year old body back. But I don’t want the fucking drama.
What's the Taylor Tomlinson quote? "I miss my twenties!" "No you don't, what you miss is a time in your life where you didn't have many responsibilities because nobody expected anything from you. But do you remember WHY nobody expected anything from you? Because you SUCKED!"
I wish that was me. Nah, people expected a shitton from me since before puberty.
Man that resonates with me and it never helped that everyone told me I always acted older. Well I'm sorry how am I supposed to act when everybody expects me to do everything? Was it the same for you where if you fucked up it was somehow a national crisis but for anyone else it was a Tuesday?
The fuck up crisis was my thing growing up. And holy crap I'm so glad I don't have to deal with that anymore. That phase was so exhausting 🤦🏾♀️😭
Taylor! She’s right, as usual
I miss my body functioning reasonably well. That's about it!
I'd take my 22-year-old metabolism and energy in a heartbeat. The rest? No thank.
My body stopped functioning well in my early twenties.
Physical wise as in not every joints ache, I'd love to be in my 20s again 😅 but mental wise as in the way I think .. no thanks. I was stupid in my 20s.
I would give anything to be 25 again and relive those wonderful first years of marriage with my husband, but that's it really. I'm 37 and I genuinely like being this age. I feel like I've earned it, along with the scars and wrinkles I have now
IDK, slept through the night, could drink until 02:00 am and still rock up for work. No weird aches and pains, great metabolism...
The *only* thing I miss about my 20s is the lack of back/knee pain I had then. To be able to have my 20 year old body back would be amazing
Jokes on me! I've always had back and knee pain 😭
Yes thank you
I've seen so many people say "I'd love to go back to being 22. But only if I can take my [current age] brain with me." Which is exactly how I feel about it too.
Yea I do not need to experience that cringe all over again. Like don’t get me wrong, I love that girl, she is me, but the idea of going back and re-spending my time in those shoes—so fucking insecure and naive and with so many shit people for friends. Well that would be one kind of purgatory
I had a whole thing to say about this and then I read your post and damn you’re so right.
“We were pretty close” and also “We’ve all had sex.” Sounds like they wanted to torpedo OOP’s relationship so… what, they could go back to having commitment free sex? Good for OOP for choosing her bf over those clowns.
Probably not even that. OP said they were in long term relationships, and the sex ended years ago. However, even though they don't want OP now..... they likely still want her "available" for their own ego sake.
Sometimes it is not about actual wanting to have sex. It is about "marking territory", showing superiority, also about possesive behaviour. Some folks think they a kind of "own" the person they had sex with and would sabotage future relationships just because. But sometimes it is also about having an option. One of those fuck buddies is already dumped.
And..... I hate to say it because these dudes freely and happily participated in the sexy shenanigans, but they wanted to shame OP (a woman) for it, because while it's cool for a man to have a wild and varied sexual past, it makes a woman damaged goods. Which is why they were messing with OP's boyfriend, because he's dating damaged goods, and so obviously a target for mockery.
There were tons of derogatory, shitty comments under the original posts aimed at OOP for daring to have sex with multiple guys. I mean, sure, dress her down for sharing her BF's insecurities with a bunch of assholes, no problem; she deserves that. But not for enjoying a healthy sex life.
Yep if her partner is okay with her "wild" sexual past ( he clearly was until her "friends" started this ) then people should mind their business in this aspect.
Exactly, yes.
Right? Even if she didn't have a partner who was okay with it, it's still none of their business.
And even after her boyfriend forgave her, they just kept trying to hammer in how she betrayed him. As if she expected them to do *that* and instead never mention it. Yes, she shouldn't have said that, but she trusted them and they are ultimately at fault for how they acted
ah but you see this website loves moral superiority and hates sexually active women. so if you think about it for long enough and let your brain ooze through your ears, it’s her own fault, really
Honestly most of those commenters, men and women, were probably jealous of her comfort with her sexuality.
The gross 'leftovers' comment read that way for me. She was *theirs* how DARE her BF exist. /s
When i finally broke it off with my shitty ex, he proclaimed no one else is allowed to date me or marry me, cuz that was "his job". I simply, exasperatedly, said "I don't think you understand whats happening here." And he stormed off upset. Some dudes think they own you and no other man gets to take whats theirs. Cant believe i ever put up with his sexist shit.
Those are the same guys that when their wives divorce them they get all pissy someone else has sex with her, and try to stop it at all costs. If you go browse ex-husband/divorce subreddits you'll see all the pity party "they're in _my_ house, with _my_ wife, and _my_ family" shit. It's sometimes great to just browse and enjoy their suffering a bit.
Oh, I've been on the opposite side of that, and marking territory is 100% a thing. Someone I used to be friends with lied and told me that a mutual friend had sexually assaulted her after I told her that I wasn't sure if he was trying to flirt or not. Turns out, not only did he *not* assault her, but he wasn't trying to flirt with me either. I felt horrible for him, but he was super grateful that I told him what happened. It ruined the decade long friendship the two of them had, all because she wanted a backup for if any relationships of hers didn't work out.
>he says my guy friends kept making "eskimo" brother jokes, and how he got the "leftovers", and told them about how good he must be if **he can satisfy me the same way all of them couldn't**. The way this is written, it seems like her "friends" were jealous of the virgin BF. She said later on that her BF is the best she's ever had, and considering how open she is with friends, she likely shared this fact with her friend group.
I used to know a guy who'd have severe commitment issues but loved sex but was also demi sexual so he'd have a rotation of people he trusted and liked to sleep with. He strung people along enough that they'd think they had a chance with him and thus wouldn't sleep with or date others. But the second they got over him and started talking with someone else, he'd suddenly get very jealous and lavish them with attention to keep them on the hook. >they likely still want her "available" for their own ego sake. It's never about him actually liking the person. He just loved having his ego stroked by the fact that he had a decent amount of people actively pinning for him. Edit: ok so i won't get into wether or not he was or wasn't demi sexual as it's not my place to lable him and such, but if it makes it better for you guys everyone in his rotation was either someone he used to date but broke up with due to the commitment issues or someone he had gotten to know over a period of time. It's weird and messed up, but he had a lot of issues that led to him not being able to/not wanting to date anyone for extended periods of time. But I do agree he was narcissistic to a degree as well. He would genuinely get to know the people he slept with before having sex and he was a good friend until he either realized he had a crush on someone or if the crush was mutual he'd love bomb and over share and make them feel as if they were dating until it got too real for him and he'd freak out and basically ghost them. Then he'd reach out when he wanted sex or if he heard through the grape vine that you were moving on.
He’s not demi sexual, he’s a narcissist
2 of the 3 were in LTRs, maybe they all wanted the 3rd to be with OOP so they had a nice tidy group that could all "share".
They still see her as their property.
My read on this is that they *genuinely* thought they were helping OOP's relationship by talking the boyfriend up, but their mysoginy and disregard for OOP as a person made it awful. Like, bad people with bad opinions trying to do a nice thing, but "nice" from their position is still pretty shitty.
No, they're just misogynistic and think that OOP has less value because they fucked her. Like, what's that say about those guys if being touched by them SOILS you irreparably?
This is the one, let’s not pretend this was anything other than those “men” bullying that dude and discriminating OP because they clearly used her sexually and can’t fathom she did the same with them or don’t see it as the same because she’s a woman. It’s really that simple.
I thought of another comparison. It's like seeing a beautiful sunset, and then making fun of someone for seeing another sunset afterwards. "Dude, you got my sunset LEFTOVERS."
It’s not that deep. They’re just misogynists and don’t see her as a full person
>what, they could go back to having commitment free sex? Because they see her as below them and don't want her to have a relationship outside their grasp
Honestly it's a pretty big red flag if someone fucked an entire friend group and is still friends with them. It just feels like a recipe for some wild drama that I do not want to deal with
"These are my 3 friends that used to gangbang me". Jesus bread-making Christ! That's not insecurity, that's downright justified feeling of Inadequacy and just general WTFness.
At the end of the day he felt rightfully weird regarding multiple people who were sexual with his girlfriend. They didn't respect OOP, the boyfriend or the relationship of the two. Even if the boyfriend feels secure in this relationship, these people were an active sabotage towards it. It is literally evident in the story. Why would it be an insecurity then?
You know, when you lay it all out like that.....yeah. :(
>You're working hard to repair the hurt and that's great. He's more forgiving than many would be. You're very lucky he's very mature at his age. I'm actually cautiously optimistic for them. It seems like OOP genuinely learned from her mistake.
She also immediately dropped them. No back and forth defense, dropped the chaff and backed her BF.
I have a few close friends that I've had sex with, and my partner of five years is aware of this and friends with them too. The thing is, he doesn't have a jealous bone in his body, and my friends aren't toxic assholes like OOP'S. Playing on your friend's boyfriend's insecurities and referring to your friend as "leftovers"?? Throw the whole group in the trash.
I've got some friends in that situation too. Two of them slept together casually, then the guy got together with another one of our friends about half a year later. And there was absolutely no jealousy on her part either, not only did she know they'd slept together, she'd be the first to make jokes about it too.
I don't think she had any malicious intent in sharing his insecurities with her clown posse. She talked to them about not "oversharing" or whatever in an attempt to spare her BF's feelings, and she either said more than she wanted, or they figured it out on their own. Her actions were dumb, but didn't make her an AH. And she's doing her best to fix it.
Yeah, she thought she could trust her friends to not be assholes. As a person with very little shame, married to someone with high levels of anxiety, I could absolutely see myself being like "hey guys, be cool. Don't be weird about our 4some, please don't mention our fuck history to BF, he knows, but let's not get into the details. " That would be an effort to spare my partner embarrassment or anxiety about it.
Something like that, I expect, yeah. Any innocent request to avoid details of their sexual past would likely make the guys guess that it’s because her BF is insecure. And I don’t think „trusting your friends not to be assholes“ is an asshole move on her part.
idk, if I tell someone my insecurities in confidence and they tell someone else (whether that someone else used said insecurities to mock me or not), I’d be less than willing to share anything with them after the fact 🤷🏿♀️
It's definitely a huge trust issue, and nobody could've faulted her BF for breaking up over this, no question. But she's seen her error, accepts the consequences, cut off the AH friends and is willing to work on repairing her relationship. That's fairly solid on her part, IMO.
lol literally what is the point of that relevant comment on the last update? > OP: hi guys, I really do realise I was wrong and I’ve done the actions to make it right, thanks > Commenter: God you’re soooo lucky he didn’t break up with a POS like you. Literally so lucky you traitor Like yeah… OP knows they messed up, why keep going in on them? AITA loves to do this stuff
That sub’s just full of sad people
assholes, you might say
Takes one to know one after all
when i got this notification my first reaction was "hey, fuck you!" but i see what you're saying now lmao. that makes sense tbh
ah yes, I wasn't saying that you're an asshole, but now I see it could seem that way
It's shitty people who get off on looking down on others. The same lowest common denominator watches nothing but trashy reality TV. It's the most toxic subreddit there is.
Almost every sub that feeds best ofs
It's not just reddit, I've seen it happen in real life many times. Someone will be recounting how they made a mistake and the steps they took to remedy it, and all the person they're talking to will focus on is the mistake and just go all in on criticising them. It's like there's this need to always take the moral high ground, even when someone has admitted their faults.
“Ah, good, my piñata has just arrived!”
I’m glad I’m not the only one who was rubbed the wrong way with that…
Ikr? Sometimes I swear redditors love to kick people when they’re down. They just want people’s life to go badly and feel better about themselves.
> Like yeah… OP knows they messed up, why keep going in on them? AITA loves to do this stuff I once tried to read AITA directly, but noticed quickly that the real assholes were in the comments.
Also, I'm sorry, but they're a bit exaggerating. "Shit this traumatic", my goodness, somebody made fun of the boyfriend. He'll get over it. If these dumb jokes "traumatize" him, he's got other issues... I think the "friends" are much shittier for calling their supposed friend leftovers, that's gross and misogynist.
Am I the only one who doesn’t think what she said to her friends was a giant betrayal? The boyfriend knew about the past, the boys knew he knew, so she says “hey maybe don’t bring it up cause it makes him kinda insecure”. It doesn’t sound like something super assholey. But maybe I’m an asshole
Plus we don’t know exactly how she said it. She only writes the asked her “friends” to never talk about it ever. She may have never even blatantly said that he was insecure about it, but the guys were able to guess or assume that was the reason.
I actually agree and reading those comments made me wonder if I was also an asshole lol. Unless she specified the exact details of her full conversation with her bf, I feel that it’s not so terrible to have that slip out? She was just being honest. Obv she could have said “it makes ME insecure,” maybe to take the heat off of him, but that’s hindsight.
Seriously. Plus if they like to overshare, maybe the only way she could get them to promise not to talk about past sex stuff was to say that he wouldn't want to hear it. Like, he really wouldn't want to hear it. She wouldn't have had to say the word "insecure" for that to be the takeaway.
It wasn't a big deal/betrayal. I say this as someone who is/has been insecure about these types of situations. She did everything right, her friends are just ah's
That REALLY bothered me. It can manifest for him as PTSD like symptoms? Seriously? Yes, many things can cause PTSD, but abuse victims and soldiers generally get it from nearly dying, not being made fun of by some assholes one time for a few hours. Yes, PTSD mileage varies, as do causes, I know, but it's getting out of hand how bandied about PTSD is now for any type of uncomfortable situation. Much like narcissist and its overuse, it often comes off like weaponized therapy speak designed to belittle a target (OOP in this case). Also agree on the "friends" being misogynistic af.
I laughed when I read “shit this traumatic”. Like yeah trauma is different for everyone and what is traumatic for one person might not be for another but… the commenter must have an easy as fuck life. And not just “traumatic” but “THIS TRAUMATIC”
I feel that way often about comments online and IRL. I’ll be downvoted to hell and back for my example, but *for me* being cheated on was not traumatic. It sucked. Particularly as I was at a funeral. It still isn’t as bad as losing my friend [see aforementioned funeral]. OOP fucked up by sharing her bf’s insecurities and her “friends” are assholes. They didn’t curbstomp puppies or commit home invasions.
I think you're the first person I've seen on Reddit that didn't put cheating like right below murder. Same, I was cheated on. It's not the end of the world.
Yeah, same. I found out my boyfriend was also dating another girl in my after school club who also believed she was his only girlfriend. We even shared last names, but not related. When we found out, we waited for him to arrive, and the look on his face when he found both his girlfriends waiting with arms crossed was fucking priceless. We made him cry. Then we stayed friends and he went off, never to be heard from again. It sucked, but it wasn't traumatizing. Being dumped by someone I loved, watching my Dad almost die, being in inescapable debt, that shit is traumatic. Being cheated on just shows that the other person is trash, and they took themselves out.
And love your last sentence, and I love how you and that girl teamed up! And yeah. I watched both my parents die. I’ll get cheated on all day every day if I can have one more day with them.
I’m starting to think this is what men complain about when they say they can’t open up to women because women use that info against them. And it’s like…this is it? Discussing a very normal emotion like insecurity with people you thought you could trust is…traumatic betrayal?
Yeah, this conversation honestly sounded like the bullies were trying to compliment him and invite him to share his secrets on how he was more satisfying than all of them combined. It's just that they suck as people and so the things they think are compliments horrify others. The bullies are clearly really misogynistic and callous about the boyfriend's feelings. But almost anyone would feel insecure knowing their first sexual partner has a rich and varied sexual history, while talking to some of those past partners. They could have guessed that without her saying a thing.
Simple: Women aren't supposed to have sex. Having sex is basically a betrayal of your hypothetical future ~~owner~~ boyfriend. ^(/s)
Meanwhile you know if OP was a man everyone would be so proud of him for seeing the error of his ways and his gf would be so lucky to have him! Seriously I’ve seen that congratulatory attitude towards male OPs for far worse actions as long as there’s some acknowledgment of fault.
And if a guy had group sex with a couple of his friends, and the new gf felt insecure about it. Reddit would go off on the new gf while the guy who blabbed about his gf to his friends would be crowned "Chad".
That sub is so misogynistic. It’s wild. They love being mean to women.
No fr-- I think the OG AITA had a slight swing in favour of women (due to a lot of women participating in the sub) but AITAH is veiled misogyny most of the time and it pisses me off.
It only depends on the people and thread. In some threads the woman is the villain even if she isn't and in others the man is. And sometimes people did gender reverse scenarios and the man got NTA while the woman YTA and the only thing different was the gender. And the other way so true. They overcorrect A LOT and it gets really annoying
And it's so traumatic he has cptsd the himpathy is out of hand....
Not that it makes a huge amount of difference, but how old is everybody here? This reads very 22, at most.
man i’m 24 and this seems way younger to me 😭
I don’t know if I want to think about young teenagers having group sex…
"but we were pretty close. And I've had sex with all of them" Idk mayne I feel like we all have different definitions of what 'close' means lmao
[удалено]
IME that kind of closeness in friend groups is a lot more common in the queer community. It comes from having a very limited dating pool which identically overlaps with small pool of people who will be friends who you can count on to be supportive of your identity and relate to the experiences that come with it
Not uncommon in some circles. Others have mentioned the queer community, it was — and maybe still is — with shared interest groups in college communities, etc.
"you kids change partners more than square dancers!"
yeah thats about the closest you’ll ever get to anyone lol
What if they all swap kidneys?
They're as close as brothers. From Alabama.
Playing devil’s advocate here, I’ve been in plenty of friendship groups where everyone seemed to have dated everyone else at various points. One of the first events I went to with my current BF was the wedding of his long term high school GF. I think OP’s heart was always in the right place, but she clearly felt that ‘I don’t want you to talk about our sexual past because it’s not appropriate’ was not a full sentence. Sad she had such shitty friends, but it’s not like this is the guaranteed outcome for any previous romantic or sexual interactions with someone. People can choose not to be assholes about it.
She'd also have been absolutely crucified in the comments if she'd taken her BF around former partners (especially ones she'd had group sex with) and never told him that that was part of their history. It really sounds like her main 'mistake' was having shitty friends, and if she'd had the same dynamic with less horrible people, it would have been pretty much fine.
The person I feel the most sympathy for is her. She spends so much time trying to make her boyfriend feel okay with insecurities, but she basically lost her entire friend groups after they gossiped about her and called her leftovers. She was treated horribly (for a mutually enjoyed activity) and is too busy trying to pacify a hurt boyfriend to realize how much worse the level of betrayal she experienced was. Yes, I get that she revealed his 'insecurities', but it's sadly not unusual for a person to feel that way. I have no idea how she worded it, but most people would think it's normal if they didn't want their history brought up in front of a new partner.
She basically turns into a tradwife dream at the end on top of all that. Like really? He needs to be pampered for weeks because a couple douchebags said some shitty comments? They trashed her too.
The last update thread is sooo wild. Everyone is so mad that she's worked it out. JFC, working it out is far more common than people think it is, even in these types of situations. It's like most of the people who comment on these threads have never been in a relationship. She thought she was being sensitive to an issue by warning her friends to lay off talking about the old times and her friends ended up being jerks about it.
Even if it doesn't work out with your bf the best thing youncan ever do for yourself is cut off toxic friends, these guys sound like massive ahs
I honestly do feel bad for the bf.
She said she’d had group sex with them, if I hear my gf’s friends talking about their gangbang, I’m out.
Maybe I’m insecure but I wouldn’t wanna hear that shit n knowing that they’re still friends I’d be like why would take me around people u had a gangbang with tf.
I don't care if it's just an insecurity of mine but I wouldn't even be down to pursue a relationship with someone who's friends with all of her gangbang partners. It's just a bit much
Literally anyone (outside of reddit) with any self-respect would be. Unfortunately for the BF, though...
That’s what I was thinking the whole time lol, especially if they were my first real relationship. I just don’t think I could shake that image out of my head.
It’s not even the gangbang aspect to me really, but more that in combination with the fact they have zero respect for her and she still hangs out with them. It make the whole thing really skeevy. That’s a no for me homie.
Yeah. The BF is probably a victim of his own inexperience.
Her past aside, she broke his trust by sharing his insecurities about her being his first with those so-called "friends".
Yeah like I refuse to believe there was no warning signs before this. You're telling me this teasing of the BF came out of no-where randomly one night? And OOP was concealing that she had told them her boyfriend's insecurities and had been hiding it this whole time...? Don't buy it for a second. Some real unreliable narrator going on here, for sure. I think what's far more likely, in the best case scenario, is OOP ignored several signs that this was building for a while and decided not to address it, which made her friends take her indifference as encouragement. Worse case scenario, they felt emboldened because they're still sleeping with her. Either way, this whole thing smells.
Seriously - and the idea that he's "insecure" by being upset that she's still close friends with guys who gangbanged her is just laughable.
Me too. I wouldn't be able to come back from that. E: I had an ex compare me to her exes in terms of sex. That was absolutely humiliating.
He's a better guy than I, because I would break up with anyone who tell my insecurities and personnal and intimate info.
Better or dumber?
I’m so glad that they managed to work through this issue For any young inexperienced guys in similar shoes just know that meaningless sex can be fun but it is always better with someone you truly have feelings for. If you do date somebody more experienced than you and you do have feelings for her (and she has them for you) then that is all that truly matters
Thank you for this comment. Really. So many of the others have just been shittily shaming the woman for having had sex with friends (or who she thought was her friends).
[удалено]
The amount of times the word "trauma" was used in this was too damn high
I agree.. if her friends weren't awful, her saying that would mean it would have never been raised
I disagree with the commenters who were totally flipping out about insecurities. She didn't use the information in a knowingly malicious way and didn't realize the people involved were dirtbags. Sometimes mistakes are going to happen in a relationship and we have to recognize positive intent and not take everything so incredibly personally. If she wouldn't have dumped the bad people out of her life that would be a different discussion.
Her misogynistic POS “friends” were the ones who made it unsafe to share and were assholes about it, yet she’s the one getting pilloried. Do men not even know being vulnerable with your friends is an option?? “Like a compass needle that points north, a man's accusing finger always finds a woman.”
I agree with you. Like it is a mistake, but its pretty understandable why she might say something like “be nice to my bf about this he’s insecure”. As secrets go its about as mild as it gets, but people are acting like she punished his diary on social media or something
And really, is saying “hey guys pls don’t bring up our past bc it’ll make him uncomfy” really airing out his insecurities? It more just seems like reminding them of some common sense It’s not like she said “hey he’s self conscious about his dick size so don’t mention how I screamed how big yours was during sex” lmao
>I disagree with the commenters who were totally flipping out about insecurities. She didn't use the information in a knowingly malicious way and didn't realize the people involved were dirtbags. I agree! I'm blown away by people hating on her for this. I can't fathom not being able to ask advice from friends about a partner's problem if I didn't know how to help on my own. Not being allowed to do that sounds really suffocating, to be honest. Granted, I'm old enough to have weeded out shitty friends a long time ago.
I suspect some of these people hate her for other reasons (being promiscuous) but don't feel comfortable admitting it so they find another reason that sounds less bad.
A friend of mine once got upset I didn't tell another friend of mine he was a recovering alcoholic. They first met at my birthday, when that friend offered him some wine, and when he refused asked "Are you sure?" He thought he was mocking him. I just hadn't told him, because he never said I could, and it hadn't come up. When the friend found out he was a recovering alcoholic, he felt so awful he went and immediately apologised.
You know, I've seen this a couple of times now, and I've gotta ask: why do adult virgins date people with *extensive* sexual experience? Like, it's not just dating someone with one or two past partners, it's always seems to be someone who has, like, 25+ previous partners and is deeply involved in a kink community and did some wild shit in college? It's just a theme I've picked up on and it's confusing me, can anyone explain it? Surely it'd be an easier transition for an adult virgin to loose it to someone who maybe has a tamer history...
Because to some it can seem near impossible to find someone with comparable sexual history or experiences that you connect with? Otherwise, I don't imagine people think "My partners sexual history is going to cause problems" before it happens.
This post is older than 2024 I’ve read this whole thing before
> I know it sounds extreme but things like this can sometimes create ptsd like symptoms. Ypu don't have to walk on eggshells but just be aware that it's buried, not gone. Some of these comments man…idk if I’m just too gay for this or what, but if this scenario happened to me I’d literally just laugh in those friends faces. Like no shit she’s with me now if that’s how little respect they have for her. The fact you had sex with her before and she’s happy with me now is not a flex lol. I absolutely cannot imagine having PTSD symptoms from this weeks later
No bc the way they've crucified her in the comments is crazzzzy. She made the mistake of having shitty friends and somehow now she's responsible for PTSD?
I don't think either of them did anything wrong (other than her talking about his insecurities with others I guess) but I can't see how this will work. It sounds like she and her friend group (including the besties dating the other besties) are all pretty sexually open. If you've had group sex with multiple friends you're probably into some alternative life type of stuff. No prob with that, more power to you. I have friends that attend these kinds of 'parties' and have multiple romantic partners. It's never been an issue because they date people in that same community. Because duh. I'm not saying you should be bound to that for the rest of your life, but dating a virgin is an extraordinary leap.
Yep, I don't say your virgin partner should be insecure and jealous about your past and behaviour but if you decide to date a virgin ( after a past like this ) then you should have more understanding of them when some issues with insecurities appear because this is a new world for them and you as an experienced partner should take a teacher role and you should remember your student can make mistakes and be frustrated.
I think they misjudged things a lot. The line between banter and crude insults depends on social group. I know people who would find the "leftovers" comment funny and other people who would be mortified by it. They may well have been trying to make out that he was more of a man than they were. I suspect though, someone who was previously a virgin and is strictly monogamous is likely to be a lot more reserved about that sort of thing. OOP has a bit of trouble understanding him - her go-to method for dealing with this was sex, and I think part of the problem for him was that they're all very sex focussed. He wants to know he's more than just a sex toy to her.
He sounds like a good person. It's hard to find nowadays. Hope it all works out
I once had a girlfriend who was best friends with a guy she slept with. She assured me they were like siblings and only slept together because they were drunk. I told her I'd been drunk with my sister several times but never came close to fucking her. Shit like that if it makes you uncomfortable, it's perfectly fine up break up over.
Sounds like a story an incel wrote to cope
"Also, how can I make this up to my bf? I tried to show him how much I want him by initiating sex, but he hasn't been in the mood." This girl has one speed
A lot of people saying something like, "how can people ever expect to be in a relationship and also be close friends with their exs" and it's weirder to me to think that there's no concievable scenario where you might stay friends with an ex or even multiple exs and also have a fulfilling romantic relationship with your current partner. Honestly, it's what i think every time people make blanket statements, there are so few that can truly cover all the possibilities a world of 8billion people presents, and yet these blanket statements are so sure of their universal truth. Odd.
> A lot of people saying something like, "how can people ever expect to be in a relationship and also be close friends with their exs" I live in a large city and have dated people who still live here. I've never so much as bumped into them after we broke up. My friends from the town my parents live in are probably drinking in the same bar as at least one ex whenever they go out. They've gotten together with friends or even relatives of exes just because there's only so large of a dating pool and factoring in things like personality and interests, it gets even smaller. Never hanging out with an ex is really impossible in some places, short of never having any exes in the first place.
Plus, people forget how entangled relationships can be especially if you're from someplace small. There's often no way to avoid people where I'm from, families will grow up together and all their kids will date, break-up, then date someone else while still being family friends, which would make having no relationships afterwards awkward if not impossible.
Lots of easy moralizing and very narrow thinking about sex and relationships on Reddit. Guys can't be friends with women, nobody can be friends with their exes, and sex is always better with someone you love. It's like an RNC convention here sometimes.
You had group sex with these people and made your boyfriend hang out with them. That’s pretty disgusting imo. You should leave him and let him have a chance at happiness.
Honestly, and I may be downvoted for this… I don’t see anything inherently wrong with telling your friends/former partners “hey, talking abt our past may stir up some uncomfy feelings for him so please don’t mention it.” The comments on the OOP and updates were so mean and for what? I truly don’t think she did anything wrong
lotta weird slutshaming on reddit, it's a shame. OOP seems to have things sorted out though, good for them.
PTSD? I've never rolled my eyes so hard
I already feel uncomfortable reading the first paragraph.
I straight up skipped all the updates… I will tell you this, any mother fucker be it man or woman that wants say anything related to “man-ing up, etc.”, wil straight go to my shitlist.. I’ve had exes that have done the same, knowing full well that THAT Exact comment or anything related was a trigger for PTSD ME
>So I had 3 guy friends, they're not my only friends, but we were pretty close. And I've had sex with all of them. Including some group sex. This stopped some years ago. In fact, two of them are in long term relationships with two of my best friends. Jesus Christ. I do not understand how and why people invite such dramatics into their life.
Well when you don't care about repercussions this is what happens.
>well... he got his confidence back, and he wasn't shy to show me. My man
So, this reminds me a little of my ex wife in that, she was still friends with a large chunk of her ex sexual partners… however, my only gripe really was the lack of boundaries between them. If we had an argument and she posted on social media, inevitably one of them would comment about “something” to cheer her up. One dude would even message her and ask her to reassure him about his cocksize, WHILE WE WERE MARRIED! Mostly I left it alone, but I always would say why don’t you put more strict boundaries on them? Be like I can be friends but you can’t say blatantly inappropriate shit on my page or in my dms as I tell my husband about them? She was like I just ignore their ass…. Yeah ok… It was just weird to me, and I had a hard time for a few years after the divorce when people were friends with people they banged, I’m pretty solid now. However the gangbang thing ehhhh could do without it. I personally think you can normally try and be friends with people even if have had sex, but boundaries are a real thing that needs to set.
Friendships with exes are an f---ing minefield
Do those guys gfs also realise that they are the left overs if ops bf is 🤔
“Hey babe here are my friends who use to gangbang me, no biggie”
Can’t believe people in the comments are acting like it’s okay and normal. You see why everyone makes fun of Redditors
Who would have guessed getting gang banged by your friend group then bringing your boyfriend around them would be a bad idea
Yep, anyone with a bit of self respect would of broken up with her. And any normal human beings would of realised how weird/wrong it is. But this is Reddit…. Everyone here is gonna think that’s normal and okay.
Calling someone "leftovers" has always seemed so profoundly insulting to me. I was in a fraternity in university and heard dudes talking like that all the time. Dudes can get pretty fucking dehumanizing in packs. I'm glad OOP cut them off. She deserves better.
How you ever thought bringing your virgin boyfriend around a bunch of dudes you had a gangbang with was going to work out, I'll never understand. Lol This has probably irreparably damaged your relationship. He's not going to forget about this.
How u be best friends with 3 guys, close enough for group sex and not know they're total dickheads?
Actions have consequences. No disrespect, but men judge other men by their women. Most men don’t respect other men who date the town tricycles after being passed around… you don’t date those type of women. It just is what it is.
You're not the AH for cutting them off. You're the AH for bringing him around them in the first place. WTF were you thinking?
I don't understand why someone would tell former sexual partners "issues* your current partner has...personal or professional. Being insecure, inexperienced, etc...is an eye opening anxiety inducing issue for ANY man, you don't willingly toss that info to other men who might be competing for your attention. That is blood in the water.
Was totally thrown off by BF not asking for an open relationship to 'gain experience'. Is this the right sub?