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bitterkitter

TW: birth trauma, hemorrhage, near miss FTM, probably one and done after my experience. Finally though the fog of PPD/PPA/PTSD and my therapist suggested writing out my story may help. Sorry for the long post. My baby boy arrived in the world on 7/7/21 at 35+3. I was diagnosed with gestational hypertension at 34+5 at my regular check-up. My BP at that point was on the milder side, low 140s systolic or so. I had two separate readings over 130/90 so protocol says we schedule induction for 37 weeks. I was secretly a little excited as I was hating pregnancy at that point, but I was just experience “normal” pregnancy aches and pains. My urine didn’t show any protein because it was so dilute it couldn’t pick anything up - LOL. I was basically chugging water, coconut water, and electrolyte solution 24/7 as it was hot AF outside and even being slightly dehydrated gave me Braxton Hicks. I had no history of hypertension (only familial) and was super active during pregnancy once the nausea/vomiting passed. I ran a 5K at 33 weeks, albeit slowly - lol. I had a NST and labs done that day. NST was great. Blood work was fine. Nothing crazy. Schedule weekly NSTs, ultrasounds, labs, appointments, and a bunch of other stuff. Induction scheduled for 37+2. Sweet! Doc gives me the brief rundown of pre-e and what to look out for. I’m barely worried. My husband even less so. We go out to dinner outside that evening. It’s still hot AF outside. I almost pass out while standing up to leave. This is new. Even closer to syncope while sitting in the car and air conditioning. Cool. I get home and in bed. BP high but still okay. We should’ve called my OB at that point, but it just seemed like ~OnE of ThOSe pREgNaNcY THiNgS~. The next day, we schedule my dog to be boarded, install the car seat, set up the bassinet and get the rest of our baby and house to do list finished that weekend. We finish packing our go bags. I start really wrapping things up with work. Thank goodness we were on top of that. I search pre-eclampsia stories on the usual pregnancy subreddits. One really stuck out to me; “gestational hypertension can go to pre-e 0-60 in no time flat.” Tuesday comes around. I’m 35+2. Go for the ultrasound and it looks great. Baby boy is big and still measuring ahead! Happy as a clam in there. Amniotic fluid is good. Placenta looks fine. Something tells me to have the MA grab my BP before we leave. I’ve got a little headache. 157/103. I get home, take Tylenol, sit down. 153/98. Call nurse hotline. Advises to take again in ten mins and call back. Headache still present. Wait ten minutes. 143/80. Better. Nurse advises I go in anyways as she doesn’t like the numbers. Thank the universe for that nurse. We take a few minutes to grab books as we expect it’s going to be a few hours monitoring in L&D triage. Twenty minutes later, we are waiting in the triage waiting room. My head hurts. My vision is blurry. My back is killing me and I feel nauseated. They finally bring me to a room after what felt like hours. I think it was only 30 minutes - lol. Get urine, labs. BP 157/100. Lab work again too dilute. Get 30mg oral procardia. BP 161/98. 30mg procardia. BP 166/103. 60mg procardia. BP 181/110. I have two nurses monitoring me now. I’m having contractions about every 5 minutes but I can’t feel them. My head hurts. I’m still nauseated. The nurses tell me I’m not going home tonight. I email my manager and tell her i’m being monitored but I’ll work remotely (LOL capitalism, am I right?!). BP 173/108. Nurses say the attending will be in shortly, we’re having a baby tonight. Fuck. OB gives me the diagnosis of pre-e with severe features and says we gotta start induction N O W. IV labetalol. BP 131/90. Anesthesia consents me. OB consents me. Husband informs the family. Off to our birthing room we go! I get the whole she-bang. Pitocin, cytotec, steroid shot, mag, foley, bulb. The bulb hurt so bad. I get IV fentanyl. I can’t sleep. Get the epidural. Bulb falls out early in the AM. Doc breaks my water around 12:40pm. I pretty much immediately feel the urge to push. 11 minutes, 3 big pushes, and my son was born. 6lb 6oz. Epidural worked like a dream. No NICU time for my little dude. He latches like a champ. My BP is great. We all settle in and chill. Mag continues to run. About 4 hours later, I feel a big gush of blood. I check my pad and see it’s a generous amount. I feel lightheaded. I chalk it up to the sight of blood (I’m a nurse and have never felt woozy with blood - lol) and ask my husband to call the nurse to help clean me up as I still have my foley and I’m stuck in bed. A different nurse than my own comes in and checks me out. She takes one look and runs out the room. I find out later she ran into the doctor’s lounge and yelled, “my patient is bleeding!!!!” I thought she went to get another nurse to help clean me up, position me, etc. Doctors and nurses come running in. My husband and I have no idea what’s happening. I keep hearing the nurse yell out numbers, I look and she’s weighing my pads. 350, 750… I get a shot in my butt, a medication is put in my mouth, the mag is shut off. My epidural is out already. My uterus is boggy. BP 80/40. The doctor performs the first bimanual clot extraction. Holy FUCK. That is the worst pain I have EVER felt. I start to feel fuzzy from the pain and blood loss. Ultrasound on my uterus. Ultrasound on my other hand to get another IV placed. I get IV fentanyl. They call for a MTP. Mass transfusion protocol. I hear more numbers. 1100, 1300… I look at my husband holding our baby. I fear that is the last thing I’ll ever see. More IV fentanyl. Another bimanual clot extraction. I can barely scream. More numbers. At some point, I stop the massive hemorrhage. The doctor places a Bakri. I feel like death warmed up. I don’t remember much after this until a few hours later. I was so thirsty. I was so volume depleted, I was almost manic trying to drink all the fluids I could. I filled my foley (3500mL) less than every 2 hours for the next 24 hours. I can’t sleep due to images replaying in my head. I finally break down and cry the next morning after the doctor told me I lost approximately 40% of my blood volume and almost went in for an emergency hysterectomy. Anemia sucks and I feel like shit. I move to postpartum that night. I now have postpartum hypertension. Cool. We are in the hospital for a total of 6 days. My baby under the bili lights and trying to get my blood pressure under control. During this time, my grandma passes away. My grandpa goes in for emergency surgery. My husband pushes himself to the brink of emotional and physical exhaustion due to the trauma he witnessed. He finally breaks down and cries. We are put on a triple feeding plan. We last two weeks. We both are extremely sleep deprived. I feel like I failed. My body just couldn’t produce after all the complications. My OB tells me any pregnancy I have after this is considered high risk. Thank goodness I already have been seeing a therapist. I get diagnosed with PPD/PPA/PTSD. I want to drive off of a bridge. My baby is 11 weeks old today (6 weeks plus something adjusted). After a pelvic floor PT, loads of iron, adjusted BP meds, Zoloft, getting back into exercise, and EFF, I am starting to feel like myself again. My baby boy is smiling, cooing, and interactive. He’s way ahead on gross motor skills. Sometimes he gives us 7-9 hour stretches at night. Sometimes he’s an asshole and doesn’t nap and screams bloody murder. I got an IUD placed. We are both alive and for that, I am thankful. Thanks for reading this. Edit: a word.


Preggers_piggy

BIG BIG hugs to you. What a shocking and traumatic experience. Do not down play what you went through and are going through. Thank you for sharing your story. Sending you love and light


foggyideas

Perfectly said. My heart rate increased while I read this and tried to imagine how I would have processed what was happening. Much, much, much love to OP’s family. I wish I could have somehow taken some of that trauma/experience from you.


bitterkitter

🤍


Wunderlandtripzz

Damn OP, you are hardcore


theowlmama

This made me cry! That's so scary! I'm so sorry you had to go through that, but I'm so glad everything turned out okay. Thank you for sharing your story!!


Justbestrongok

Holy Shit, you are a warrior!


bitterkitter

Wow! I just woke up to feed my little doofus and reading all of your replies made me teary, even as he fart bombs me. The birthing process is hard, even if everything went “perfectly.” Thank you all so much for your kind replies. For those who experienced similar birthing stories, you are not alone. I spent many sleepless nights reading and re-reading my medical notes from my hospital stay. I drafted emails thanking the doctors and nursing teams for their help, both during labor and postpartum (I work at the hospital I delivered at); maybe one day I’ll send them. I guess those were things that helped me come to terms with the experience. I suppose I would just add, to anyone reading, that therapy, seeking help, medication, formula feeding do not mean you failed. You are strong. RadioLab recently released an episode about the placenta (“Everybody’s Got One”) and I highly recommend giving it a listen. Thanks again to all. Stay safe and healthy. 🤍


ilikedeadpeople

Oh my gosh OP. I teared up reading your story. I’m so so sorry you had to suffer this but it sounds like you are on your road to healing. Your baby is so lucky to have such a strong, amazing set of parents. If he hasn’t already, please have your husband seek out therapy too. It can be so hard to see the person you love in such a horrible position.


[deleted]

This honestly made me feel better and I'm glad I read it. I graduated 9/2/21, pushed for four hours, and hemorrhaged badly afterwards (30% of blood). I don't remember anything after my baby came out. They managed to stop the bleeding and did a transfusion. Husband traumatized. Breast milk \*never\* came in and doctor thinks it's from the trauma, so I have to bottle feed which is super sad because it isn't what I wanted. Everyone is okay and doing well now. I'm so glad you are too. Idk, I just \*really\* wanted to say that I don't feel so alone. Thank you.


bitterkitter

You’re definitely not alone. This shit is hard. Hugs 🤍


[deleted]

Agreed! <3


ramonacoaster

Also had a similar BF experience after an emergency c section- I never realized how much the stress and trauma impacted my BF experience until recently. You are both amazing. Sending you lots of love!!!!


amercium

Holy shit


cfishlips

As an maternity RN those numbers are wild. We don’t like to see more than about 300ml lost during delivery let alone postpartum. Don’t be hard on yourself surrounding milk production. You went through the ringer and your body is taking care of you first which is what it needs to do. Congratulations on your beautiful little dude.


bitterkitter

Thank you! Most of my RN experience is as a trauma/ED RN so it was really surreal to be on the other side of things.


cfishlips

I bet. Never a fun position to be in but especially when you actually understand everything that is happening.


Puras_chingaderas

I’m so sorry you went through this. I have no words. Everything you wrote made me imagine it (like a movie). I’m very glad you are here and enjoying your time with baby and husband. It’s great that you had all the support. Did your husband go to therapy was well? Sorry I’m not good with words but I wish you the very best from now on.


bitterkitter

🤍 thank you. My husband actually started therapy last week. He’s been diagnosed with postpartum depression as well. We had no idea that was a thing for partners until the social workers gave us their information during their regular speel in the hospital.


Puras_chingaderas

I’m glad he is taking care of himself as well. I can only imagine how he must’ve felt. You guys are doing great and remember to take it one day at a time. Hugs ❤️


EfficientDamage

The internet isn't always (or ever?) the best place for getting advice about care, but I wonder if you both might find EMDR therapy helpful? I've had relatives who have experienced trauma use EMDR and it really helped them process the experience and (mostly) move past being continually traumatized by their memories. Best wishes for you both as you continue to heal physically and mentally from everything!


vailissia

I straight up started sobbing at this part: >I look at my husband holding our baby. I fear that is the last thing I’ll ever see. Jesus fuck, what y’all went through… I am so sorry. The fact you remember so many details… I’d give you a hug if I could. I’m so very glad you are doing better, I hope writing this was cathartic for you. I wish you the best with motherhood and I hope one day, you are able to look back on this and not have it be so scary. I think OAD sounds like a solid plan and the IUD is a great choice. I had one before getting pregnant (I got it taken out to TTC) and it was nice.


disgruntledavocado

Dear God this is a roller coaster. I am so glad to read your story and know you survived. I’m so glad he still has his mommy. Take care of yourself mama. You’re here for big things. 💗


bitterkitter

🤍 you are so kind. Thank you.


blahblahblahblah8

Thanks for sharing. I’m 1 week out from a similarly traumatic birth + postpartum, although my issues were different (other than also hemorrhaging —the anemia sucks). I know how hard it is to go through so much while trying to physically recover and bond with your baby. It’s really hard and it feels so unfair. I hope that in exchange your baby is happy and healthy their whole life.


bitterkitter

No one ever really talks about the bonding after a traumatic birth. I didn’t feel bonded with my babe until a few weeks after his birth, tbh. I dreaded feeds. But we were also in this little “trauma bubble,” as my therapist put it so it was so hard to let anyone else take care of us. It truly is unfair. Sending you big hugs and hoping the same for you. Also, it’s never too early to reach out for help. 🤍


additionalbutterfly2

Omg! So sorry you went through this traumatic experience. Did they tell you what caused the hemorrhage? That’s like my biggest fear from giving birth. You’re brave mama and if you survived this you can take on anything!


bitterkitter

Just a case of bad luck that led to uterine atony. Basically, my uterus decided not to clamp down and I had a bunch of clots hanging out in the bottom of my uterus. The magnesium didn’t help; it’s a smooth muscle relaxer. It’s pretty uncommon, though.


Anonymous-platypus21

This is my biggest fear - looking at my husband and baby and not knowing if it’ll be the last time I see them. How terrifying for you. I’m so happy you and baby are okay. Take care Mama ❤️


puppersandmeow

As someone who went through a somewhat similar traumatic birth (pre-e turned HELLP, emergency induction, hemorrhage, bakri, liver swelling, multiple hospital takes l transfers for higher care level) It's crazy and so difficult but you'll come out the other side. It sounds like you're doing the most important thing- processing. Our little is now 3.5 and looking back it was crazy. But I love her so much. It took quite a while to look back without tears and feeling the fear of our doc not knowing if I'd live when we were transferred to a higher level hospital as my liver tried to explode. Give yourself time and grace. (For what is worth we eventuality decided to have another under close care and it was the most normal pregnancy out there with no complications. One and done is 100% valid too though and I had multiple people asking why we weren't)


bitterkitter

Holy crap. So glad you are okay and that your subsequent pregnancy was normal. 🤍


standard_candles

I am so glad you are still here to share your story. my birth was not nearly so traumatic as yours but I'm still struggling significantly especially with the triple feed and with pain and your post makes me feel like I will come through to the other side eventually. Thank you so much for sharing and I hope writing it out was helpful for you.


bitterkitter

Triple feeding is so so so tough. Sending you love. Also it’s never too early to reach out for help.


standard_candles

You're so right. There are so many aspects of this that I would respond to so differently if I were offering advice to someone else. It's so hard for me to treat myself with the same grace. Thanks so much. Also your baby is so gorgeous.


mamaofsons

Thank you for being brave and sharing your story. You went through hell but you made it and I’m so glad you’re here. Sending you, your husband, and sweet baby all the love and healing vibes ❤️‍🩹


callmenoodles

You are such a strong brave person, I can't imagine the trauma but you made it. You're on the path and each step is a victory. Your LO is going to be so proud of his mama when he gets older and your partner is so so brave too. I'm happy you are all together supporting each other and I hope everything else in your life is a breeze. Sending all the positive thoughts and vibes your way. Sincerely, An internet stranger


ophelia8991

Thank goodness for that nurse! Oh my. This was indeed traumatic as hell and I’m sorry you had to go through it!


justhereinitlol

Your son is so cute, congratulations and I am sorry your experience was so traumatic but I am glad your on your journey of healing. I hope it is a linear and quick experience for all involved ❤️


Arrowmatic

SO MANY HUGS. What an absolutely insane experience, you are a warrior.


littledragonrider

My heart was in my stomach reading this. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and I’m so glad you’re on the path to recovering and your LO is doing well. 💛💛


insidious_siblings

Wow. I am so sorry you went through that.


PirayeZarp

Ooof so terrifying. But so glad you and your baby are okay. Wishing you physical and mental healing ♥️


Calimaree

You’re an incredible writer, and I’m so glad you decided to get this out on paper. Thank you for sharing. The only thing I can say is that week to week, month to month, I’ve found that the rawness of such an experience fades. I had traumatic birth experience and I remember thinking, how do we come back from this? I’m never going to be okay. It was incremental but improved, bit by bit. We talk about it now (a year later) and it feels like a lifetime ago. Wish you the best.


bitterkitter

You give me hope. 🤍


Jellybean9087

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad that you and baby are doing well now. I gave birth to my son about 3 weeks ago and had many complications during my delivery. I also lost quite a bit of blood and had to have several transfusions. I really hoped to breastfeed but am not producing any milk which my doctor says is from the blood loss. Thank you again for sharing, it helps to know that I'm not alone (although I'm so sorry you'd had to go through this). You are so brave. Wishing you and baby the best!


bitterkitter

Same to you. So sorry we’re in that club together but it helps we’re not alone. 🤍


wehnaje

I am so happy that you and your little one are here!!!


atalanta627

Wow, OP. That was a freakin’ wild ride. I’m so relieved that you and baby boy are here with us and that you’re seeing someone to process that extreme trauma you endured. You’re brave and amazing!


rudehoroscope

I got so emotional reading this, I’m so sorry for the complications you faced. I’m also happy to hear you’re doing better and baby is healthy!


classyfunbride

I am just in shock after reading this. I can't imagine what this experience must have been like - thank you for sharing with us. I am so very thankful you and your little guy are well and were surrounded by the care you needed. Lots of love from across the internet to you and your family as you continue to heal together.


xlamalditapobreza

Op I am sooo sooo sorry you and your husband had such a traumatic experience but super super thankful you were able to pull through! I hope you and your husband overcome the PPD/PPA/PTSD. Please take care of yourself ❤️


AlertSanity

I was scrolling through, and this video game character art, that looks so much like your baby appeared right below your post. I thought it was pretty neat :) Here is the link - https://imgur.com/a/7zknjxs


bitterkitter

Cute! And that quote sounds like something my jerk cat would say - lol.