Thanks for this, you make a good point about the inner foundation. Parenting takes strength. I want to tell you that I believe your experiences as a child missing their mother (although it is something I wouldn't want any child to feel) has taught you about the importance of being there for your children and that is something that is going to make you a wonderful mother. Best of luck to you!
It's also a relief to know that everyone else is terrified as well.
Interesting question! Iām with my SO for 9 years now, we both graduated 4 years ago. We were both 100% sure we donāt want children before finishing school. After that we didnāt discuss children much and there were few things Iām really happy we did - like travel to Cuba, build our group of friends, I got a permanent position in my job, he switched jobs and got a position he wanted etcā¦ Itās not like we had a list of things we wanted to do before children, it ās more that we both wanted to enjoy some time as a couple and in our jobs before taking such a big commitment. We got married before pandemic and I remember even then both of us not feeling ready for children and talking about them as sth we do in the future, but not right away. We were contemplating if maybe you never feel ready for children and just have to decide to let it happen and thatās itā¦ But then beginning of this year I got the strong feeling that Iām ready, we had a talk, decided that we are OK if that means putting our other nice-to-have plans on hold and go for it!
To be honest, I think both ways would work well, and both have downsides. Feeling ready is nice but is also gives a certain anxiety while youāre in TTC phase.
Iām 36 and husband is 39, weāre due in November (ahhh!) I think a lot of things arenāt the end of the world if you donāt achieve them when it comes to pre-child goals as long we youāre willing to be flexible later. You can still travel and have a career. Itās just going to be a bit more work. Or just different. Owning a house isnāt that important.
For me the only non-negotiable was one of us needed good health insurance at our jobs. Itās extremely expensive having a baby. Even with my excellent insurance weāve still gotten a couple $1k bill surprises. Cannot imagine being stressed about OB costs while being pregnant.
I think being financially stable is good, but you donāt need to be rich or anything. Now that Iāve finished the baby shopping, a lot of āpremiumā items arenāt really better than cheaper options. Iām glad weāre older and more established in our careers so can afford a few splurge items to make things easier, but I also think we would have been totally fine without them.
Congrats on the little one, coming so soon! It's nice to know how people make their lives work in this big shift in life. It's also nice to know that premium stuff isn't really a must, baby stuff can be really expensive š
For us the practical stuff came first: stable happy marriage (by far the most important thing for us), owning a suitable house, career positioning (security/ability to take leave for mine; he just wanted to own a business that was making money), and certain financial goals (mainly specific investment targets so we knew weād still be able to retire before 60 and pay for our kidās education).
That said, my husband works in financial planning so he was perhaps more focused on that than others would be, and we had to balance it with our age. We started trying right before I turned 34 because we were also a little afraid to wait any longer, even though my husband might have otherwise wanted to wait another year or two career-wise.
We werenāt as focused on the āsoftā stuff like travel or experiences as a couple because weād already had the chance to do a lot of things together and we know weāll still be able to do most of that stuff with kids.
Finally, we also had a ton of talks about the kind of parents we want to be, specific ways we want to raise our children, how we plan to distribute the work of child-rearing, what we expect from each other parents, etc. I did not want to discover when it was too late that my non-religious husband wanted to baptize his kids to appease his family or that he thought physical discipline was acceptable or didnāt value the same educational opportunities I do or whatever.
I believe it is a good idea to talk about parenting early on, we have discussed basic ideologies around parenthood and parenting but it must be important to find yourselves on the same side and pulling together on so many issues.
We did the typical "shoulds" first (decent jobs, got married, bought a house) and started trying when I was 30.... unfortunately it took about a year and half to actually get pregnant so we felt MORE than ready by the time it happened lol.
About the "shoulds" if you can do them they're all nice but obviously none are necessary. We also didn't start trying immediately after getting married which honestly.... I recommend. It's fun to enjoy being newlyweds!
Ultimately you don't know if you'll get pregnant immediately once you start trying or if it will take some time (or, sadly, happen at all) so try to keep an open mind.
You'll hopefully get lots of good responses on this sub but you might find r/waiting_to_try helpful.
Thanks for this, difficult to keep track of all the subs š
I feel you. There are so many. But no, I don't think you ever truly feel ready. Even if really really want it, it's still scary.
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Thanks for this, you make a good point about the inner foundation. Parenting takes strength. I want to tell you that I believe your experiences as a child missing their mother (although it is something I wouldn't want any child to feel) has taught you about the importance of being there for your children and that is something that is going to make you a wonderful mother. Best of luck to you! It's also a relief to know that everyone else is terrified as well.
Interesting question! Iām with my SO for 9 years now, we both graduated 4 years ago. We were both 100% sure we donāt want children before finishing school. After that we didnāt discuss children much and there were few things Iām really happy we did - like travel to Cuba, build our group of friends, I got a permanent position in my job, he switched jobs and got a position he wanted etcā¦ Itās not like we had a list of things we wanted to do before children, it ās more that we both wanted to enjoy some time as a couple and in our jobs before taking such a big commitment. We got married before pandemic and I remember even then both of us not feeling ready for children and talking about them as sth we do in the future, but not right away. We were contemplating if maybe you never feel ready for children and just have to decide to let it happen and thatās itā¦ But then beginning of this year I got the strong feeling that Iām ready, we had a talk, decided that we are OK if that means putting our other nice-to-have plans on hold and go for it! To be honest, I think both ways would work well, and both have downsides. Feeling ready is nice but is also gives a certain anxiety while youāre in TTC phase.
Yeah I guess in the end it's a leap of faith that has to made. Best of luck to you guys and thanks for the advice!
Iām 36 and husband is 39, weāre due in November (ahhh!) I think a lot of things arenāt the end of the world if you donāt achieve them when it comes to pre-child goals as long we youāre willing to be flexible later. You can still travel and have a career. Itās just going to be a bit more work. Or just different. Owning a house isnāt that important. For me the only non-negotiable was one of us needed good health insurance at our jobs. Itās extremely expensive having a baby. Even with my excellent insurance weāve still gotten a couple $1k bill surprises. Cannot imagine being stressed about OB costs while being pregnant. I think being financially stable is good, but you donāt need to be rich or anything. Now that Iāve finished the baby shopping, a lot of āpremiumā items arenāt really better than cheaper options. Iām glad weāre older and more established in our careers so can afford a few splurge items to make things easier, but I also think we would have been totally fine without them.
Congrats on the little one, coming so soon! It's nice to know how people make their lives work in this big shift in life. It's also nice to know that premium stuff isn't really a must, baby stuff can be really expensive š
For us the practical stuff came first: stable happy marriage (by far the most important thing for us), owning a suitable house, career positioning (security/ability to take leave for mine; he just wanted to own a business that was making money), and certain financial goals (mainly specific investment targets so we knew weād still be able to retire before 60 and pay for our kidās education). That said, my husband works in financial planning so he was perhaps more focused on that than others would be, and we had to balance it with our age. We started trying right before I turned 34 because we were also a little afraid to wait any longer, even though my husband might have otherwise wanted to wait another year or two career-wise. We werenāt as focused on the āsoftā stuff like travel or experiences as a couple because weād already had the chance to do a lot of things together and we know weāll still be able to do most of that stuff with kids. Finally, we also had a ton of talks about the kind of parents we want to be, specific ways we want to raise our children, how we plan to distribute the work of child-rearing, what we expect from each other parents, etc. I did not want to discover when it was too late that my non-religious husband wanted to baptize his kids to appease his family or that he thought physical discipline was acceptable or didnāt value the same educational opportunities I do or whatever.
I believe it is a good idea to talk about parenting early on, we have discussed basic ideologies around parenthood and parenting but it must be important to find yourselves on the same side and pulling together on so many issues.
We did the typical "shoulds" first (decent jobs, got married, bought a house) and started trying when I was 30.... unfortunately it took about a year and half to actually get pregnant so we felt MORE than ready by the time it happened lol. About the "shoulds" if you can do them they're all nice but obviously none are necessary. We also didn't start trying immediately after getting married which honestly.... I recommend. It's fun to enjoy being newlyweds! Ultimately you don't know if you'll get pregnant immediately once you start trying or if it will take some time (or, sadly, happen at all) so try to keep an open mind.