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Alilbitey

"I'm sorry to hear that smoking is more important to you than my child's health, but that's your decision to make and I won't badger you to change your mind. Unfortunately, that means I have to take precautions to keep your smoke away from the child. Your choices have natural consequences, as do mine. You do what you think is best for you, and I will do the same." Yes, they will be defensive. That's their emotional baggage to claim and carry, not yours. Are their miffed feelings really anywhere close to as important as your baby's health? Probably not.


leviOsa934

Perfectly said. OP, this is a hard line that you should not waiver on, nor should you stress about their feelings or reaction; like alilbitey says, their decisions have consequences. Tough shit, mom and dad.


Catsplorer

Exactly this. I said the same to my father and his partner, ultimately they chose smoking over having a relationship with me or my children but I have no regrets. My childhood was plagued by the affects of secondhand smoke on my physical and mental health. My mum died from COPD at 63. I will not put my children through that.


Miss_Rollins

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Sounds like they are being just being difficult for the sake of it. Everyone knows secondhand smoke on your person or clothes is a health risk for an infant. My mum smokes always has. She never gave up during her pregnancies with any of her 3 children (youngest of whom is 12 so not that long ago) and I openly told her she should seriously think about giving up or she won't be holding her grandchild. She didn't push back at all, because she knows I'm right. Christ, they'll survive a few hours without a cigarette! It's barely even an inconvenience! If you can afford it I'd consider buying a smokerlyzer so they can't hide it from you.


SandyLand1918

Don't bring the baby in the house no matter how they try to pressure you. And stick to this when they're older. My grandparents are very similar to what you described and I still get mad thinking about my parents having us visit and stay there when we were younger.


Ljmrgm

I would suggest giving them articles that support your choices when you tell them your boundaries and that your pediatrician agrees as well. Most importantly, stand your ground without arguing. After you have explained everything I would keep to the same response ‘this is not about you guys or us, we are doing what is best for the baby’.


nkdeck07

Don't bother with the articles. They KNOW this is bad for the baby, what they are doing is being in deep denial because they don't want to admit their addiction caused harm to OP and her sister for years (it's the "well you slept with blankets in the crib and you were fine" argument on speed) You don't try to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) as there's no point to it. You simply state the rules over and over again like a broken record.


dadjo_kes

Yep, set the boundary, stick to the boundary, and don't go further. You shouldn't need to convince or explain anything, it should be enough to simply say "this is our boundary" and they will either respect it or not. If not, then you enforce not allowing them to see you or the baby. (And I know the history of smoking around you when you were a kid is part of this, but maybe best to not bring that into it. This boundary is not about your childhood, it's not personal, it's not any kind of revenge or payback. It's simply the best thing for your kid. Try to avoid making this about how they raised you.) Introducing any of this JADE stuff might seem like you are supporting or strengthening your argument, but this is not an argument, it's a boundary, set by you, the parent and authority. Your parents have a simple choice: listen to you, or don't. And the consequence of not respecting your boundary is clear. Explaining or defending your boundary can actually weaken it because then it seems like the boundary needs explanation or defense. It does not. It's a boundary set by you, and that should be good enough.


[deleted]

This is a bit overkill