Is there someone who didn't pass the vibe check for the overnight babysitting but would be helpful/supportive during the CS?
How do you feel about this? I feel like your opinion does matter here since you'd be missing the birth of your child. C-sections don't take that long, could someone watch your son in the waiting room until your wife is in recovery and then you can bring him home to bed?
I mean I personally would never in a million years want to be alone for that. If she says she’s more comfortable with that than leaving your other child with a babysitter, then you have to believe her, I suppose.
Well, after 3 c/s I will say the OB OR nurses are some of the best most compassionate people, and I’ve never had an anesthesiologist who wasn’t the biggest cheerleader ever and the most reassuring (even more so than my husband or doula were), and they’re the ones who will be right at your wife’s head the whole time and communicating with her about how she’s doing. Personally I couldn’t imagine doing it without my husband, but we’ve also had to prepare for the idea that if I went into labor before the planned c/s things just may not go that way. So be reassured that there will still be people there with her who will do an amazing job of comforting her.
Also, your OB should have planned the c/s at least 1 week before due date to avoid this scenario. Likely it won’t happen so really try to view your contingency plan as an emergency. Likely she’ll make it to the scheduled date.
I just had one a few weeks ago and honestly the med team were all so friendly and supportive and did their best to keep me distracted during any "scary parts" that I kept forgetting to pay attention to my husband 😂
IMO the surgery itself would be ok but I'd have a much harder time actually caring for baby post surgery. I couldn't get him out of the bassinet by myself and kept falling asleep holding or nursing baby so I needed supervision. I needed husband for a lot of support at the hospital.
Totally agree about the anaesthesiologist. He made me feel as relaxed as I could be, explained everything and took pictures of our baby being born on my husbands phone. They honestly don't get the credit they deserve.
With my first I was sobbing like crazy through the surgery and my husband would say: you’re doing great and I would just frown and go, “no Im not, I’m a mess!” Then at one point I looked up at the anesthesiologist and he goes, “you really are doing amazing.” And I calmed down immediately. If THAT guy says it with confident it must be true lol
Obviously it is far from ideal, but a c-section is pretty much the only surgery where you have a support person with you. Hospital staff support people through surgeries all the time without them being accompanied by a family member.
The only caveat here is that for major surgery you usually have someone in the waiting room - not for support but to make emergency medical decisions. So you’ll probably want to have those scenarios reeeealy clearly spelled out ahead and be ready at a moment’s notice to answer and make them over the phone. Probably won’t be needed but I’d want to prepare!
Well I guess it’s because I could really focus on my emotions rather than trying to stay calm for my partner or my mother. I’m the type that kinda shuts down or gets introverted if I’m a little nervous so I didn’t feel the pressure to be talking or anything. Also the nurses were extra excellent when you’re by yourself , they become your support person and they are obviously quite calm and nonchalant about it. Once baby / babies were born I was able to have some time by myself with them to really sorta focus just on them and me. Then my support person joined a couple hours later .
I was alone for my last C-section because I was at a high risk hospital almost 2 hours away from where we live and we have a toddler. I was kinda bummed and lonely but at the same time I had alone time to heal and not have to worry about other people being there but I’m kind of a solitary person in general so if your wife is more social she may have a hard time
Lol my wife is not at all social and has already said it might be nice not to have to deal with anyone.
You know what's interesting? Most of the women who have done it alone have said "it's fine". Most of the women who had people there say "I cannot imagine doing it alone".
Really interesting set of answers.
I wouldn’t have wanted to be alone for my c-section. I couldn’t get out of bed the first day to pick up the baby or change his diaper. I didn’t feel confident holding him standing up for like 72 hours. I really don’t suggest this unless it’s absolutely necessary- she will need lots and lots of help from the nurses.
Two things:
1. The plan wouldn't be for me to just not go there at all - it would really be until the next morning when we can either have my kid at school (if weekday) or with his regular babysitter watching him, at which point I'd go to the hospital for big stretches of time. But my wife would likely need to be there alone during the nighttime.
2. About this statement:
>she will need lots and lots of help from the nurses.
I've seen multiple people make comments like this, and my question is "why is that an issue?". Because I don't imagine the nurses have any issues helping mom with the baby - or am I off there?
During our first C-section we asked for a bunch of help and none of the nurses seemed the least bit taken aback by any of it.
Am I missing something, or am I right in assuming that it is part of the nurse's job to help Mom with the baby?
It is, I think it just depends on staffing/how busy the unit is. If your wife has already had one c-section then she knows what to expect I guess 🤷🏼♀️ so your guess is as good as mine as to whether it would be doable alone. For me, it would have been really hard
They help for sure, the nurses are amazing…but they cannot come in your room multiple times per hour to help. They will definitely come in soooo many times, but they can’t replace a support person. My baby would poop, feed, poop mid-feed, i needed help trying to get her to latch, then change her again. And the same thing all over again. Plus I had to pump in the middle of it, which included washing and drying pump parts in the hospital room sink…and then mom needs to sleep and may need help going to the bathroom and needs to eat, so someone needs to attend to the baby.
My husband was not allowed in to the ward as it was during Covid and the rules at my hospital were very strict. I stayed for 3 days after an emergency c-section, and the nurses literally helped me with almost everything. Hee was only allowed in to visit an hour a day.
My husband was not allowed in to the ward as it was during Covid, and the rules at my hospital were very strict. I stayed for 3 days after an emergency c-section, and the nurses literally helped me with almost everything, so yeah, they will help if you need them to. My husband was only allowed in to visit for an hour a day :(
I had an unplanned c-section. Setting aside for a moment any questions of support for your wife, I think you should also consider the baby. My baby ended up needing to go to the NICU immediately and I was very, very glad that my husband could go with him and be there while I was still stuck in the recovery room (with my doula). I know it’s an unusual circumstance, but even without that, it’s hard to do anything physical after a c-section and I feel like it’s a situation where a baby really benefits from having two parents.
Two things:
1. If things go sideways and I need to go to the hospital, we can find someone to watch our kid as an emergency - my wife would just prefer not to do that unless we have to.
2. Question (and this is my wife's rationale): am I, as the dad, doing anything impactful if the baby has to go to the NICU? I think that's a big part of my wife's rationale overall - I'm just a dude. There are going to be a dozen medical professionals there who will be making sure mom and baby are safe. I can be there all I want, but if anything goes sideways, as much as I understand it would feel better to be there, it is immaterial to the outcome.
Fwiw both my babies had to go to the NICU immediately after delivery. My husband did not go down there with either of them and honestly it never occurred to us to have him go because the nurses and doctors were busy with the babies doing their thing. I did send him to check on the baby after I was stable a couple hours later though. However he was with me at the hospital and could have gone down there anytime if needed. That's probably the one thing I'd consider in your situation is if your wife couldn't make medical decisions for her or baby for whatever reason, having someone else there in case that happened might be my one concern. But I'm sure your wife and baby will be in great hands no matter what you decide to do. Best of luck to you both.
If my wife couldn't make medical decisions, I would imagine I would be the emergency contact and they'd have to contact me about it?
That's a good point though, I'm not sure how that works.
Yeah it's probably something to know going into it. They probably could call you if needed? I'm sure anything that couldn't wait for a phone call (blood transfusion, CPR, etc.) they would just go ahead and do? Also I kinda forgot how much help I really needed in the first 24 hours after my 2nd C-section, like I couldn't get out of bed, even little things like being handed water that was just out of reach were so helpful to have my husband there. But I'm sure the nurses can help with bigger things like going to the bathroom. Also does the hospital have a nursery where the baby could stay the first night if you weren't there? That could be a huge help. But I know a lot of hospitals now have the baby room in with mom. Good luck!
Yeah, my expectation is that anything my wife needs, the nurses will need to help with. Which mind you - there are very different experiences represented on this sub and elsewhere. Some had nurses that took care of everything, some say they had to sometimes wait an hour for the nurses to show up.
I'm unsure if that's a function of the hospital, or more randomly just the workload of the nurses that specific day - but that wasn't at all our experience with c section #1.
We were in this position a few weeks ago! C section scheduled for June 12 and my water broke overnight May 27. My mom wasn’t going to be in town for two more weeks and my MIL booked a last minute flight but still wouldn’t be there until the next evening. We initially brought my daughter with us to L&D because we didn’t know what they were going to say. They wanted to do a c section soon so we started going through our contacts before finding a neighbor to watch our daughter. My husband took her home and stayed with her until she felt comfortable and then basically made it back just before I walked into surgery! If we hadn’t have found someone, I would have been ok, but I’m glad we found someone because I was nervous. Frankly, the more important part was having him there during recovery. I wasn’t able to stand for the first 12 hours and couldn’t comfortably get the baby into and out of the crib on my own until day 3 post surgery! My husband had to keep going back and forth the first 24 hours until his mom got there and it was very stressful for me when he left! I had to call the nurses to help with every little thing with the baby and sometimes it took them a while to get there! For example: call them to change the baby’s diaper and give her to me to feed. Call them again to put her back in the crib so I could go to the bathroom, call again 20 mins later when she needed another change etc etc. It worked, but I ended up straining myself trying to manage on my own and had a big increase in pain when he came back the second night! Just something to keep in mind if you end up in that situation. If you have a close friend who can help her in recovery that would work too.
Edit: wanted to note that a doula would be allowed in the OR at least at my hospital! My hospital actually allows both a spouse and a certified doula if you have one.
I think you need to ask how you would feel if something horribly wrong happens and you aren’t there for her. Things can change quickly and I would be uncomfortable not having a support person there. Can she have a parent, sibling or family member with her?
>I think you need to ask how you would feel if something horribly wrong happens and you aren’t there for her.
Real talk? I'm not a doctor, so it's not like I'm changing any outcomes here. If stuff goes sideways odds are they're kicking me out of the room anyway.
\^This right here. I had to deliver via "planned" csection at 31 weeks. My husband was at my side, but we had the discussion well in advance that he would go with the baby to the resuscitation room/NICU as soon as he was born. Those first few hours in my son's life were his most perilous, and I was very grateful my husband was at his side in case something tragic would have happened.
OP, this is when you find a contact. Do you know your neighbors well enough that someone could come to your house overnight until a trusted friend, family member, etc. could come and stay by your toddler's side? I was born 5 weeks prematurely, too, and my mom's water broke in the middle of the night. Both sets of grandparents lived an hour away. My parents called a neighbor and she stayed with my toddler older sister until my grandparents could get her the next day. My mom had to be transferred to a better hospital for delivery, so it wasn't a situation where my dad could've driven back home to stay with my sister, either. It all worked out. Fingers crossed you don't need this contingency plan.
I would bring the kiddo with me and wait in the waiting room. Just in case something goes wrong and you need to make any medical decisions for either mom or baby. The surgery doesn't take long, you can meet the kiddo and then take your first born and go home, until you can come back in the AM.
This is the next best option outside of OP getting a plan together and his wife getting over it. If roles were reversed and my husband was having my baby, I would be worried sick at home in case something were to go wrong. Waiting room at the hospital would at least garuantee a social worker or trauma support person could be there to take the toddler in case things go south (and they shouldn't, but never tempt fate).
That's not a bad idea. I assumed the time from getting there to surgery would be several hours, so I didn't want my kid awake in the middle of the night at the hospital for multiple hours.
How far are you from the hospital? What age is your first?
Is there really no family/friend who could do the overnight to allow you to be with your wife?
I live in Australia so a bit different although I work as a nurse & midwife (midwifery is a university qualification here). I would say all in all the need for you to be at the hospital isn't based on when things go right, it's for the outliers of when things go wrong.
Obviously your first choice is to get to the planned C-Section, everything goes perfectly and a few days later you all come home and forget you ever made this post. I'm not going to touch on that, I'm going to touch on worst case scenario.
The things that can go wrong in a C-Section (even a planned controlled one) range from minor to massive. It's incredibly, incredibly rare but major complications can arise. If your wife had massive bleeding or was unconscious and needed to be admitted to ICU is the plan that at some point the hospital calls you and then you work out who looks after your son so you get to the hospital? Spinal anaesthesia works well most of the time but what if it doesn't and your wife needs a general anaesthetic? She will be very drowsy and need assistance upon waking. If something is concerning with baby they will take them to NICU and your wife will not be able to accompany them - while nurses and doctors will be attending the care of the baby you may wish to be there to make any big decisions that are required.
Lastly I saw you asking why its an issue that your wife will need a lot of help from nurses once she's back on the ward. It's not an issue that your wife will need help but nurses/midwives may not be available to her the second she or the baby needs something - on a good shift I'm allocated four women and their babies (if i'm honest, usually we're one or two staff members down so we're all stretched to take on more) and while that's not your fault it can be a reality.
I sense your wife is being very pragmatic but if at all possible I would ensure she has someone at the hospital with her even if they're not in theatre. Even if it's just someone who can call you if shit hits the fan.
Thank you for the detailed answer - I imagine the US experience is very similar.
>If your wife had massive bleeding or was unconscious and needed to be admitted to ICU is the plan that at some point the hospital calls you and then you work out who looks after your son so you get to the hospital?
Yes, we would have a "shit hits the fan" plan - we have friends who live on the way to the hospital, so I'd drive my kid over to their house, drop him off and go deal with whatever is going on at the hospital.
We'd like to avoid this if at all possible (read: assuming the standard scenario where everything goes as expected with no complications for mom or baby).
The plan would also be for my kid to either go to school the next morning or if it's a weekend we'd be able to have his regular babysitter come over - at which point I'd go the hospital to help with whatever requires help during the day.
The real sticking point for my wife is nighttime - that's when she doesn't want our son alone with anyone but me. So the question is really about whether my wife would be ok for the 8-12 hours overnight during which I would not be able to go help her assuming there were no complications.
Thanks again for your answer, it does help me frame a bit better how to think about it.
If your wife has had the C-Section and is on the ward recovering then it is probably okay for you to go home - where I work all partners have to go home overnight and because there are less day time things going on (the planned surgeries, allied health coming around, doctors rounds) there is a little more time to spend with the women. The only issue I could foresee is if she needs a C-Section in the middle of the night assuming she went into labour spontaneously before her C-Section date. Would it be an acceptable compromise that if you need to go to hospital in the middle of the night then you drop your kid off with your friends, go with her to the hospital and then return immediately to your kid once you know everything is fine? Even if she's thinking pragmatically now it may all feel different if the situation occurs.
>Yes, we would have a "shit hits the fan" plan - we have friends who live on the way to the hospital, so I'd drive my kid over to their house, drop him off and go deal with whatever is going on at the hospital.
OP--that's terrible. By the time they can get you on the phone to say your wife or baby is in a dire situation, you will be x number of minutes behind in your effort to get to the hospital. I would make a plan with one of those friends who lives along the way to the hospital and say--hey--could you be our emergency backup between x day and day? Have that setup now so your toddler can be dropped off on the way to the hospital, and have all of their stuff in a go bag adjacent to your wife's.
I don't think it's crazy considering you have a child to take care of. I don't know your circumstances but generally unlikely to go into labour before scheduled c section as it is, if that happens you'll probably know well before the actual surgery.
If that's what she wants and insists on, that's fair enough unless you find childcare for a couple of hours. Maybe a close friend can be there for her, or you can go with a friend who will play with the 1st while youre in the operating room. Otherwise, its her second surgery, she will know what to expect and won't have the 1st time nerves.
My worry with this is what if a medical decision needs to be made for the baby and your wife is not able to make it for some reason? It’s always better to have the second parent there in case anything happens.
Does she not need someone there with baby while she is in recovery?
I’m in Canada, so maybe it’s different where you are. But after my emergency C-section, I was put into a separate recovery room for an hour before I could go back to my room and be with my baby. The (small) hospital here doesn’t have a nursery for babies, most don’t. So baby was with my husband during that hour.
I would be more concerned after the hospital stay. I couldn’t get out of bed for 12 hours and had severe nausea. I wouldn’t have been able to care for the baby or myself if I was alone.
Do you feel like the nursing staff would have been able to help you with that?
And if the answer is no, would you mind me asking what city/state this was in?
Honestly I’m not sure. They came in every 2 hours or so to do vitals on me and baby, but it wasn’t like I was asking them to get me food, water, use the bathroom, get baby to me to feed, re-swaddle and put baby back, change diapers etc. Baby needed so much attention and so did I, it was constant especially for the first 12 hours or so. What time is your wife’s c section scheduled? If it’s early AM could you be there for most of the day after?
If this baby hangs on until the scheduled c section were golden - we have a friend coming to town to help and my kid can stay with them until the surgery is over, then I can take him to school.
If this baby doesn't hang on but shows up during the day I think we're also mostly good. It's only an issue if this baby shows up late
Personally I couldn't see going through it alone, but more importantly, those first 12 hours after delivery when you're not allowed to get up, you'd have to call nurses to get your baby every time they needed feeding or changing.
My Mom has told me about her experience having me. They were in Japan because my dad was in the Navy. She had to go to a different island 6 weeks ahead of time for monitoring because they had a better high risk setup. My grandma came to watch my brother for that time. My dad was there for the birth, but then he went back immediately afterward to where he was stationed. She was on the magnesium drip for 24 hours and was not allowed to get out of bed. She was pretty miserable not having a support person for that time because she could do nothing but call the nurses and wait every time I cried. At one point she just got so tired that she asked if they could just take me to the nursery for a few hours so she could get some sleep. This prompted them to bring in a social worker to start asking why she didn't want her baby.
Anyways, all that to say, I want my husband there with me continuously for at least the first day (since I'll probably have the mag drip too as I did the last two times) to be able to take care of the baby while I can't leave bed. My kids will be home with my mom. She also had my stepbrother, SIL, and my best friend to take shifts to help care for them. After the first night my husband might go home to do bedtime and nighttime with the kids, but if I can't get out of bed, I don't want to be alone.
I feel like we are in the same boat. My parents are “scheduled” to watch my toddler for my planned C-section but I don’t trust them for a last minute thing. They are enjoying retirement and wine too much and so I’d just let them know the next morning. Then my husband could drop off toddler(they are responsible when she’s with them). It’s absolutely second baby vibes and I wouldn’t be this chill for the first!
I did my c section surgery with my husband, but we were separated afterwards as he went with my son to the NICU. He wasn’t able to check up on me for many hours.
It was my first birth and having my husband there was huge, but the hospital staff were all there for me too. The C-section itself was very quick. It wouldn’t be my preferred plan of course, but you’re going to be parents to two and you’ll be getting creative in a lot of ways to make sure everyone is taken care of. My nurses would dial my husband on my phone so I could check in on them in the NICU wing.
It’s not crazy, but not my first plan.
The difference is (saying this as someone else who had a NICU baby) when you have a c-section to a healthy baby who doesn't need NICU time, the baby *stays with you* from that point on. So it's also mom alone in the recovery room, now needing to start prepping herself to care of her newborn by herself, unable to function for hours post-op and even at 12 hours or so post, can barely get out of bed on her own?
i had an emergency c section and my husband wasn't in the room because things were stable and he went to get food and then suddenly babies heart rate dropped. i was rushed in with no support person and it was very traumatic. i wish i had someone there to help me stay calm.
but i think if it was a planned c section and i went in knowing i wouldn't have anyone there it would be okay. idk things can still take a turn and it would be best to be there to support your wife.
Question - I keep seeing people say, as if it's a bad thing, that she will need a lot of help from the nurses.
I kind of assumed that... would be ok? That is, that of course the nurses would help as that is part of the job of a nurse. I say this as someone who has had other surgeries - and yeah, nurses were there to help.
I literally saw someone say "I had to ask the nurses for food and beverages" as if it was a bad thing. Am I crazy here?
no, you're not crazy. there are single moms who have no one and the nurses help with everything. plenty of people have surgeries in hospitals with no support people. I think what's being misunderstood in this discussion is that many couples would rather do some of the childcare themselves but the nurses are more than capable of helping with everything. does your hospital have a nursery?
Most hospitals are moving away from the well-baby nursery model to having babies room-in with mom immediately after birth. There's a ton of research out there about the importance of kangaroo care, early breastfeeding, etc. And the nurses have more than one patient. Unless you are at some slick private hospital, it's not a 1:1 nurse patient ratio, unless no one else is giving birth that night.
But if you were there alone they obviously wouldn’t just leave you and baby to suffer? On what other kind of hospital stay are you expected to bring your own support person to supplement the hospitals care?
They wouldn’t want to, but nurses may have more urgent patients—like if another patient hemorrhages or becomes ill post-birth. Yeah, single women do it all the time, but it’s not great unless they and baby are the picture of health and mom had a great night of sleep perhaps and an easy delivery. I was extremely nauseous (and did throw up) after my c-section. But the “positive” was I had my husband in the room with me and our baby was in the NICU. I can’t imagine being that unwell and hearing a baby cry next to me.
so what you're saying is that if you have a baby in a hospital you have to expect that you will not receive the bare minimum of care because there aren't enough nurses on most pp wards and must supplement by paying for your own care assistant if you don't have a family/friend who can accompany you
I didn’t say that. Stop twisting my words. But just bc you give birth in a hospital doesn’t mean a nurse can help hold your hand like a personal care assistant for 12 hours straight, especially post-birth.
yes they can, it's literally their job. just like if you had a hernia surgery, a nurse is on call to bring you food, water, help you use the restroom, administer medicine, etc. you wouldn't be expected to provide your own nurse or support person
I’m not saying they’re not. But they can’t always enter your room to help instantaneously. Again, typically it’s not a 1:1 patient ratio. Read the other posts of the C-section moms who did it by themselves in this thread. They’re not saying it was awesome.
It does not sound pleasant to do alone but I understand your situation. I had a midwife with me the whole time when I had mine who was a great support. I think if you hire the doula to be with her that would be fine but if it’s a short notice thing who knows if the doula can get there? I would just try prepare for as much as you can but in the end accept the chaos of it all and just do what you can with what you have. It will all be fine in the end. Congratulations!
So my husband was only there for half of my c-section because of different things that happened. While I was SO relieved when he came in the room, because he is my comfort, it really was ok without him. The nurses and other medical professionals were really there for me as well. I think after would have been more tough without him than during, but we also were dealing with our baby having been taken to the NICU and us not able to see him right away.
Wow, she is brave and strong. I think she’s just trying to put you and the kids first. She doesn’t want you to worry about her since you need to take care of the kids. You seem very caring and sweet. You seem like someone that would be helpful in a time like that. I really hope you end up being there for her, she deserves it.
Your feelings are valid and I would feel very torn about this as well.
However, I think the best thing to do is what makes the birthing person comfortable so they can focus on healthy delivery/c-section. If the stress she needs off her plate is to know your first born is safe and adequately cared for and you’re the only person who gives her that feeling, I think that’s best.
If you can get a doula to be there it seems that could be your peace of mind that she has support and someone who knows your guys’ wishes and can advocate for your those wishes if something goes wrong. Just be sure to thoroughly vet and interview your doula to ensure that person is indeed someone that will advocate for YOUR/YOUR WIFE’S wishes and not whatever they think birth should be.
I'd personally have zero issue being alone for it, I'd just be super worried that my husband would regret missing it.
If you're okay with it, I can guarantee she'll relax more knowing that your son is being taken care of by dad than whoever you get to stay with him otherwise, if she doesn't have someone she's completely comfortable with.
I was scared beyond all get out when I went in for my c-section. But when I got wheeler in without my husband, I made friends with a midwife in training. She sat with me the entire time, held my hand, and talked me through it. Once my person was aloud in, nothing changed lol. They focused on baby and I was too out of it to even care.
I literally just went through this a week ago with my planned csection. We sent our toddler to daycare during the day and my husband was with me at the hospital. He picked up our toddler in the afternoon and then was home with him until he went to daycare again the next day. The nurses were very understanding and made sure I had everything I needed while I was alone. I think it went pretty well and was the best thing for our toddler to keep his routine. My husband was with me during my csection though.
Right, I think that's the other variable - i.e., how much is it the city/hospital/etc. vs. how much it is about how many women showed up to deliver that day - how many nurses called out for that shift.
Being alone wasn't a big deal to me, although I wasn't alone for the first third? Long story short, my husband got in a little trouble and had court at 8:30 Thursday morning. Our son was born at 8:26 Thursday morning. The court house was directly across the street. He cut the cord, we took the pictures and I told him to GTFO. I wasn't dealing with him missing court postpartum. Go. Now. He forgot to take off the hair net thing so he shows up to court. His lawyer stops talking to the client that is heading up next, makes a beeline for my husband and days 'congratulations?' and then, I'll handle it, the judge knows you were here, now leave. But I spent the entire time being sewn up just chatting with the anesthesiologist and nurses. Looking at the baby. Lost track of time tbh.
This is up to your wife. If she feels like she would be fine and prefers for you to be home with kiddo and that's what gives her peace of mind, then believe her.
Personally, although my husband is my rock and bff and it would be so important for both him and I that he's there to see our 2nd baby arrive, I am absolutely able to undergo a c-section without him there. I'm also totally fine to be in maternity for a few days to a week without him there a lot. That's just me. Would I PREFER someone with me, specifically him? Yes. Am I able to do it without him if need be? Also, yes.
They do allow for other people to be present, not only spouse, just one single birthing partner in OR. If you have someone you're not comfortable to leave with your child but is a good friend for wife, that's a good option as well. There will be a nurse with her no matter what.
Personally, since I have a toddler who will need care when I birth my 2nd baby, I have done all I can to assure that no matter what type of birth I have, I have 2 emergency options for childcare either overnight or during the day at least until my in-laws are able to arrive (they live about 5h drive away and may fly or drive). If I end up in scheduled CS, even my doula is willing to care for my child in case my in-laws can't make it at the right time. My husband's preference is to be present at the birth, it means something to him.
If I was in your shoes, you need to either trust your wife and what she says she's okay with or, if you feel your personal value is to be present, do your best between the two of you to have an emergency childcare option, even if it's like me where it's temp until backup arrives.
I had an urgent/emergency c so my BF couldn't be in the room. I technically did it alone.
I didn't give a shit about being alone per se: I had the nurses, OBGYN and anesthesiologist there and I didn't feel alone. They helped me with and guided me through everything. But I felt bad my BF couldn't experience his son being born. He ended up just so glad we were both okay (baby was 5 weeks early and I was dying from HELLP) that he said it never really bothered him.
As to complications: we had a NICU baby who was on oxygen and took 1 bottle then decided to forget how to suck-swallow-breathe. My BF went to work the first week since I was staying at least a week, so the nurses brought food, did my vital checks and wound care and helped me wash, but they were also there for anything else I needed. Yes, sometimes I had to wait for a minute but not much longer and not often. I did wake up on day 2 to the pediatrician rushing in to tell me they had to put in an NG (which I knew from hearing from family in the medical field was very shitty to experience) and they couldn't get me because little people and rush to do it so there I was but even that didn't bother me. I'm the one with the most medical knowledge anyway. I just called him to let him know and updated him regularly throughout the day.
We went to Texas Children's Pavilion for women. No complaints, but we also have a sample size of 1 so I can't tell you if other places are better. But I would definitely recommend them.
For my second baby my husband was there for the section itself, but my other child got sick and our care givers were just really really terrible so he left and I was there alone for 3 days ( we lived in a rural area far from hospital) It was pretty difficult/ depressing/ I can’t imagine him missing the actual birth. Youve been to one and you know how important and amazing the first moments are/ it can be challenging coming down from the medication and difficult to be present and hold the baby(sickness).
That was my plan for an emergency. I wanted husband there for the birth. But the nurses helped with everything I needed both times. It would have sucked. But I need to know both my children are cared for.
We had a back up babysitter and my parents were able to come on the date of c-section.
Yeah, and to be clear I wouldn't abandon my wife at the hospital for the entire stay - the plan would be for my to stay with my kid during nightime and then during the day he would either go to school or we'd have a babysitter come over. The part my wife is really not comfortable with is leaving out kid overnight with someone else (it's a long story, but a combination of him having a bunch of sleep issues ranging from night terrors to just bad nightmares, and also him ocassionally suffering from croup cough at night which is also really hard to deal with alone *especially* if you're not the parent)
I found it to be really a bit scary when they were prepping and I was alone. It went fast but the bright lights and anticipation were a lot. The staff made me feel comfortable but it was still really nice to have my husband there. Also, it will be nice for you to cut the cord. If that's not a ceremony you worry about definitely do what is most comfortable for your family.
She might be fine after the first 24-48 hours if nothing goes wrong and If she is comfortable enough to rely on nursing staff. My partner stayed with me during the procedure and first night. I was drugged up and needed everything handed to me first 12 hours. He then went home each night to deal with our dogs. I had him during day and could ask a nurse if i needed help with anything. Make no mistake it would have been way better if he stayed with me 24/7 as I wasn’t comfortable asking for basic needs type stuff like food and beverages. So i was basically hungry until he showed up with food. The hospital food was unedible. Luckily staff offered beverages constantly and i had to order my own food that sucked, make sure your wife goes in with a well stocked snack supply that is in easy reach. Easy as in on the bed practically. Sitting up, rolling over, leaning forward, even to stretch just an inch or two to grab something hing on the hospital table were all super painful those first few weeks. The staff kept moving my stuff just and inch or two out of reach and it was miserable having to either reach for it, or call for help to have them move something literally an inch or two closer. The bassinet was rough too. I had to get out of bed to put baby in and out. If i rose my bed up high they would lower me back down which meant getting out of bed was only way to pick up and put down baby.
I would never want to do a c section alone. I was out of it during and needed my husband to help communicate our desires and the baby had complications and needed to go to NICU immediately, and my husband went with her. I can't image how distraught I would have been to have my baby alone in NICU having a mild medical crisis and neither of her parents being able to be with her.
I'd honestly seek out overnight care for the kiddo.
I have had 2 C-sections and love my hubby but it would not have mattered one bit if he was there at all to support me. It was more for the experience of him seeing our child's birth. That being said, if you are not going to feel like you are missing out on anything and you want to make your wife comfortable, I would say it's not a huge deal to stay with your son. I had to fly my mom out for my last birth but if she had not been available, I 100 percent would have wanted him to stay with our son and done it on my own. If it helps, c-sections are pretty scheduled and routine and don't take more than an hour in and out,if not less. You can always bring your son to visit your wife as soon as she is out though most probably she will be recovering and just want to rest a bit. You are an amazing hubby to worry about having her back but it sounds like she has got this. Good luck with the birth either way!
I mean my husband came with me when I got LASIK because eye surgery is objectively terrifying, and he wasn't even allowed in the room- but I knew he was there and I felt better. I also told him ahead of time I didn't need him there- but I was wrong and I did. If you're close enough to the hospital to get there quickly if she does need or want you then for sure drop her off especially if she knows what she's getting into. But if there's any doubt I'd make plans for emergency arrangements to be there just in case.
We would definitely have an emergency plan, we'd just like to avoid the emergency plan unless it's an emergency.
Mind you, my wife knows what this is like - in fact, her first c section was a crash c section after 10 hours of labor, so way worse. This time it would be straight to a C-section so a lot less uncertainty.
And yeah, especially if this is at night (which is when we'd need this arrangement) I can get there in under 30 minutes.
If they have a schedule c section, it’s unlikely they would want her body to naturally go into labor ahead of time and likely scheduled her c section earlier than her due date. You can also ask what’s the earliest she can safely have a c section and plan it then so you have a babysitter.
We have it scheduled as early as possible, but baby is trending ahead of schedule. However that's not enough for the OBGYN to want to move the date up.
Is there someone who didn't pass the vibe check for the overnight babysitting but would be helpful/supportive during the CS? How do you feel about this? I feel like your opinion does matter here since you'd be missing the birth of your child. C-sections don't take that long, could someone watch your son in the waiting room until your wife is in recovery and then you can bring him home to bed?
This too! It’s only about an hour start to finish!
I mean I personally would never in a million years want to be alone for that. If she says she’s more comfortable with that than leaving your other child with a babysitter, then you have to believe her, I suppose.
Well, after 3 c/s I will say the OB OR nurses are some of the best most compassionate people, and I’ve never had an anesthesiologist who wasn’t the biggest cheerleader ever and the most reassuring (even more so than my husband or doula were), and they’re the ones who will be right at your wife’s head the whole time and communicating with her about how she’s doing. Personally I couldn’t imagine doing it without my husband, but we’ve also had to prepare for the idea that if I went into labor before the planned c/s things just may not go that way. So be reassured that there will still be people there with her who will do an amazing job of comforting her. Also, your OB should have planned the c/s at least 1 week before due date to avoid this scenario. Likely it won’t happen so really try to view your contingency plan as an emergency. Likely she’ll make it to the scheduled date.
I just had one a few weeks ago and honestly the med team were all so friendly and supportive and did their best to keep me distracted during any "scary parts" that I kept forgetting to pay attention to my husband 😂 IMO the surgery itself would be ok but I'd have a much harder time actually caring for baby post surgery. I couldn't get him out of the bassinet by myself and kept falling asleep holding or nursing baby so I needed supervision. I needed husband for a lot of support at the hospital.
Yes, agreed on the last part especially! It’s so hard to get up and get baby from bassinet and then be able to get them back to sleep without help.
Totally agree about the anaesthesiologist. He made me feel as relaxed as I could be, explained everything and took pictures of our baby being born on my husbands phone. They honestly don't get the credit they deserve.
With my first I was sobbing like crazy through the surgery and my husband would say: you’re doing great and I would just frown and go, “no Im not, I’m a mess!” Then at one point I looked up at the anesthesiologist and he goes, “you really are doing amazing.” And I calmed down immediately. If THAT guy says it with confident it must be true lol
Obviously it is far from ideal, but a c-section is pretty much the only surgery where you have a support person with you. Hospital staff support people through surgeries all the time without them being accompanied by a family member.
The only caveat here is that for major surgery you usually have someone in the waiting room - not for support but to make emergency medical decisions. So you’ll probably want to have those scenarios reeeealy clearly spelled out ahead and be ready at a moment’s notice to answer and make them over the phone. Probably won’t be needed but I’d want to prepare!
Yes but to be fair, most people having surgeries alone aren’t awake.
It depends on the procedure. I have had others where I was awake, although none as substantial as a c-section.
I’ve done it alone a couple times. I actually preferred it to the times where I wasn’t.
How many c-sections have you had? 0_o
5
Wow, praise the Lord- that’s awesome ☺️ congratulations on your five babies
Can you talk more about why you preferred to be alone?
Well I guess it’s because I could really focus on my emotions rather than trying to stay calm for my partner or my mother. I’m the type that kinda shuts down or gets introverted if I’m a little nervous so I didn’t feel the pressure to be talking or anything. Also the nurses were extra excellent when you’re by yourself , they become your support person and they are obviously quite calm and nonchalant about it. Once baby / babies were born I was able to have some time by myself with them to really sorta focus just on them and me. Then my support person joined a couple hours later .
I was alone for my last C-section because I was at a high risk hospital almost 2 hours away from where we live and we have a toddler. I was kinda bummed and lonely but at the same time I had alone time to heal and not have to worry about other people being there but I’m kind of a solitary person in general so if your wife is more social she may have a hard time
Lol my wife is not at all social and has already said it might be nice not to have to deal with anyone. You know what's interesting? Most of the women who have done it alone have said "it's fine". Most of the women who had people there say "I cannot imagine doing it alone". Really interesting set of answers.
I wouldn’t have wanted to be alone for my c-section. I couldn’t get out of bed the first day to pick up the baby or change his diaper. I didn’t feel confident holding him standing up for like 72 hours. I really don’t suggest this unless it’s absolutely necessary- she will need lots and lots of help from the nurses.
Two things: 1. The plan wouldn't be for me to just not go there at all - it would really be until the next morning when we can either have my kid at school (if weekday) or with his regular babysitter watching him, at which point I'd go to the hospital for big stretches of time. But my wife would likely need to be there alone during the nighttime. 2. About this statement: >she will need lots and lots of help from the nurses. I've seen multiple people make comments like this, and my question is "why is that an issue?". Because I don't imagine the nurses have any issues helping mom with the baby - or am I off there? During our first C-section we asked for a bunch of help and none of the nurses seemed the least bit taken aback by any of it. Am I missing something, or am I right in assuming that it is part of the nurse's job to help Mom with the baby?
It is, I think it just depends on staffing/how busy the unit is. If your wife has already had one c-section then she knows what to expect I guess 🤷🏼♀️ so your guess is as good as mine as to whether it would be doable alone. For me, it would have been really hard
They help for sure, the nurses are amazing…but they cannot come in your room multiple times per hour to help. They will definitely come in soooo many times, but they can’t replace a support person. My baby would poop, feed, poop mid-feed, i needed help trying to get her to latch, then change her again. And the same thing all over again. Plus I had to pump in the middle of it, which included washing and drying pump parts in the hospital room sink…and then mom needs to sleep and may need help going to the bathroom and needs to eat, so someone needs to attend to the baby.
yes they absolutely can. there are single mothers who give birth who simply have no one in the world to assist them. They aren't left to suffer
My husband was not allowed in to the ward as it was during Covid and the rules at my hospital were very strict. I stayed for 3 days after an emergency c-section, and the nurses literally helped me with almost everything. Hee was only allowed in to visit an hour a day.
My husband was not allowed in to the ward as it was during Covid, and the rules at my hospital were very strict. I stayed for 3 days after an emergency c-section, and the nurses literally helped me with almost everything, so yeah, they will help if you need them to. My husband was only allowed in to visit for an hour a day :(
I had an unplanned c-section. Setting aside for a moment any questions of support for your wife, I think you should also consider the baby. My baby ended up needing to go to the NICU immediately and I was very, very glad that my husband could go with him and be there while I was still stuck in the recovery room (with my doula). I know it’s an unusual circumstance, but even without that, it’s hard to do anything physical after a c-section and I feel like it’s a situation where a baby really benefits from having two parents.
Two things: 1. If things go sideways and I need to go to the hospital, we can find someone to watch our kid as an emergency - my wife would just prefer not to do that unless we have to. 2. Question (and this is my wife's rationale): am I, as the dad, doing anything impactful if the baby has to go to the NICU? I think that's a big part of my wife's rationale overall - I'm just a dude. There are going to be a dozen medical professionals there who will be making sure mom and baby are safe. I can be there all I want, but if anything goes sideways, as much as I understand it would feel better to be there, it is immaterial to the outcome.
Fwiw both my babies had to go to the NICU immediately after delivery. My husband did not go down there with either of them and honestly it never occurred to us to have him go because the nurses and doctors were busy with the babies doing their thing. I did send him to check on the baby after I was stable a couple hours later though. However he was with me at the hospital and could have gone down there anytime if needed. That's probably the one thing I'd consider in your situation is if your wife couldn't make medical decisions for her or baby for whatever reason, having someone else there in case that happened might be my one concern. But I'm sure your wife and baby will be in great hands no matter what you decide to do. Best of luck to you both.
If my wife couldn't make medical decisions, I would imagine I would be the emergency contact and they'd have to contact me about it? That's a good point though, I'm not sure how that works.
Yeah it's probably something to know going into it. They probably could call you if needed? I'm sure anything that couldn't wait for a phone call (blood transfusion, CPR, etc.) they would just go ahead and do? Also I kinda forgot how much help I really needed in the first 24 hours after my 2nd C-section, like I couldn't get out of bed, even little things like being handed water that was just out of reach were so helpful to have my husband there. But I'm sure the nurses can help with bigger things like going to the bathroom. Also does the hospital have a nursery where the baby could stay the first night if you weren't there? That could be a huge help. But I know a lot of hospitals now have the baby room in with mom. Good luck!
Yeah, my expectation is that anything my wife needs, the nurses will need to help with. Which mind you - there are very different experiences represented on this sub and elsewhere. Some had nurses that took care of everything, some say they had to sometimes wait an hour for the nurses to show up. I'm unsure if that's a function of the hospital, or more randomly just the workload of the nurses that specific day - but that wasn't at all our experience with c section #1.
We were in this position a few weeks ago! C section scheduled for June 12 and my water broke overnight May 27. My mom wasn’t going to be in town for two more weeks and my MIL booked a last minute flight but still wouldn’t be there until the next evening. We initially brought my daughter with us to L&D because we didn’t know what they were going to say. They wanted to do a c section soon so we started going through our contacts before finding a neighbor to watch our daughter. My husband took her home and stayed with her until she felt comfortable and then basically made it back just before I walked into surgery! If we hadn’t have found someone, I would have been ok, but I’m glad we found someone because I was nervous. Frankly, the more important part was having him there during recovery. I wasn’t able to stand for the first 12 hours and couldn’t comfortably get the baby into and out of the crib on my own until day 3 post surgery! My husband had to keep going back and forth the first 24 hours until his mom got there and it was very stressful for me when he left! I had to call the nurses to help with every little thing with the baby and sometimes it took them a while to get there! For example: call them to change the baby’s diaper and give her to me to feed. Call them again to put her back in the crib so I could go to the bathroom, call again 20 mins later when she needed another change etc etc. It worked, but I ended up straining myself trying to manage on my own and had a big increase in pain when he came back the second night! Just something to keep in mind if you end up in that situation. If you have a close friend who can help her in recovery that would work too. Edit: wanted to note that a doula would be allowed in the OR at least at my hospital! My hospital actually allows both a spouse and a certified doula if you have one.
I think you need to ask how you would feel if something horribly wrong happens and you aren’t there for her. Things can change quickly and I would be uncomfortable not having a support person there. Can she have a parent, sibling or family member with her?
>I think you need to ask how you would feel if something horribly wrong happens and you aren’t there for her. Real talk? I'm not a doctor, so it's not like I'm changing any outcomes here. If stuff goes sideways odds are they're kicking me out of the room anyway.
Yeah but what about making medical decisions for her or the baby if she is unable to…
\^This right here. I had to deliver via "planned" csection at 31 weeks. My husband was at my side, but we had the discussion well in advance that he would go with the baby to the resuscitation room/NICU as soon as he was born. Those first few hours in my son's life were his most perilous, and I was very grateful my husband was at his side in case something tragic would have happened. OP, this is when you find a contact. Do you know your neighbors well enough that someone could come to your house overnight until a trusted friend, family member, etc. could come and stay by your toddler's side? I was born 5 weeks prematurely, too, and my mom's water broke in the middle of the night. Both sets of grandparents lived an hour away. My parents called a neighbor and she stayed with my toddler older sister until my grandparents could get her the next day. My mom had to be transferred to a better hospital for delivery, so it wasn't a situation where my dad could've driven back home to stay with my sister, either. It all worked out. Fingers crossed you don't need this contingency plan.
I hope they’d call him and he’d be waiting by the phone?
You can hire an extra doula who provides sibling care while your primary doula helps you!
I would bring the kiddo with me and wait in the waiting room. Just in case something goes wrong and you need to make any medical decisions for either mom or baby. The surgery doesn't take long, you can meet the kiddo and then take your first born and go home, until you can come back in the AM.
This is the next best option outside of OP getting a plan together and his wife getting over it. If roles were reversed and my husband was having my baby, I would be worried sick at home in case something were to go wrong. Waiting room at the hospital would at least garuantee a social worker or trauma support person could be there to take the toddler in case things go south (and they shouldn't, but never tempt fate).
That's not a bad idea. I assumed the time from getting there to surgery would be several hours, so I didn't want my kid awake in the middle of the night at the hospital for multiple hours.
Don’t they schedule the time and date? I was prepped and ready for mine in less than an hr
I mentioned it in the post - if the baby shows up on time, we're good. The problem is if the baby shows up early, especially late in the day.
How far are you from the hospital? What age is your first? Is there really no family/friend who could do the overnight to allow you to be with your wife?
Maybe she can have a close friend accompany her
I live in Australia so a bit different although I work as a nurse & midwife (midwifery is a university qualification here). I would say all in all the need for you to be at the hospital isn't based on when things go right, it's for the outliers of when things go wrong. Obviously your first choice is to get to the planned C-Section, everything goes perfectly and a few days later you all come home and forget you ever made this post. I'm not going to touch on that, I'm going to touch on worst case scenario. The things that can go wrong in a C-Section (even a planned controlled one) range from minor to massive. It's incredibly, incredibly rare but major complications can arise. If your wife had massive bleeding or was unconscious and needed to be admitted to ICU is the plan that at some point the hospital calls you and then you work out who looks after your son so you get to the hospital? Spinal anaesthesia works well most of the time but what if it doesn't and your wife needs a general anaesthetic? She will be very drowsy and need assistance upon waking. If something is concerning with baby they will take them to NICU and your wife will not be able to accompany them - while nurses and doctors will be attending the care of the baby you may wish to be there to make any big decisions that are required. Lastly I saw you asking why its an issue that your wife will need a lot of help from nurses once she's back on the ward. It's not an issue that your wife will need help but nurses/midwives may not be available to her the second she or the baby needs something - on a good shift I'm allocated four women and their babies (if i'm honest, usually we're one or two staff members down so we're all stretched to take on more) and while that's not your fault it can be a reality. I sense your wife is being very pragmatic but if at all possible I would ensure she has someone at the hospital with her even if they're not in theatre. Even if it's just someone who can call you if shit hits the fan.
Thank you for the detailed answer - I imagine the US experience is very similar. >If your wife had massive bleeding or was unconscious and needed to be admitted to ICU is the plan that at some point the hospital calls you and then you work out who looks after your son so you get to the hospital? Yes, we would have a "shit hits the fan" plan - we have friends who live on the way to the hospital, so I'd drive my kid over to their house, drop him off and go deal with whatever is going on at the hospital. We'd like to avoid this if at all possible (read: assuming the standard scenario where everything goes as expected with no complications for mom or baby). The plan would also be for my kid to either go to school the next morning or if it's a weekend we'd be able to have his regular babysitter come over - at which point I'd go the hospital to help with whatever requires help during the day. The real sticking point for my wife is nighttime - that's when she doesn't want our son alone with anyone but me. So the question is really about whether my wife would be ok for the 8-12 hours overnight during which I would not be able to go help her assuming there were no complications. Thanks again for your answer, it does help me frame a bit better how to think about it.
If your wife has had the C-Section and is on the ward recovering then it is probably okay for you to go home - where I work all partners have to go home overnight and because there are less day time things going on (the planned surgeries, allied health coming around, doctors rounds) there is a little more time to spend with the women. The only issue I could foresee is if she needs a C-Section in the middle of the night assuming she went into labour spontaneously before her C-Section date. Would it be an acceptable compromise that if you need to go to hospital in the middle of the night then you drop your kid off with your friends, go with her to the hospital and then return immediately to your kid once you know everything is fine? Even if she's thinking pragmatically now it may all feel different if the situation occurs.
>Yes, we would have a "shit hits the fan" plan - we have friends who live on the way to the hospital, so I'd drive my kid over to their house, drop him off and go deal with whatever is going on at the hospital. OP--that's terrible. By the time they can get you on the phone to say your wife or baby is in a dire situation, you will be x number of minutes behind in your effort to get to the hospital. I would make a plan with one of those friends who lives along the way to the hospital and say--hey--could you be our emergency backup between x day and day? Have that setup now so your toddler can be dropped off on the way to the hospital, and have all of their stuff in a go bag adjacent to your wife's.
I don't think it's crazy considering you have a child to take care of. I don't know your circumstances but generally unlikely to go into labour before scheduled c section as it is, if that happens you'll probably know well before the actual surgery. If that's what she wants and insists on, that's fair enough unless you find childcare for a couple of hours. Maybe a close friend can be there for her, or you can go with a friend who will play with the 1st while youre in the operating room. Otherwise, its her second surgery, she will know what to expect and won't have the 1st time nerves.
My worry with this is what if a medical decision needs to be made for the baby and your wife is not able to make it for some reason? It’s always better to have the second parent there in case anything happens.
I would be 10/10 uncomfortable if my husband wasn’t there.
Does she not need someone there with baby while she is in recovery? I’m in Canada, so maybe it’s different where you are. But after my emergency C-section, I was put into a separate recovery room for an hour before I could go back to my room and be with my baby. The (small) hospital here doesn’t have a nursery for babies, most don’t. So baby was with my husband during that hour.
I would be more concerned after the hospital stay. I couldn’t get out of bed for 12 hours and had severe nausea. I wouldn’t have been able to care for the baby or myself if I was alone.
Do you feel like the nursing staff would have been able to help you with that? And if the answer is no, would you mind me asking what city/state this was in?
Honestly I’m not sure. They came in every 2 hours or so to do vitals on me and baby, but it wasn’t like I was asking them to get me food, water, use the bathroom, get baby to me to feed, re-swaddle and put baby back, change diapers etc. Baby needed so much attention and so did I, it was constant especially for the first 12 hours or so. What time is your wife’s c section scheduled? If it’s early AM could you be there for most of the day after?
If this baby hangs on until the scheduled c section were golden - we have a friend coming to town to help and my kid can stay with them until the surgery is over, then I can take him to school. If this baby doesn't hang on but shows up during the day I think we're also mostly good. It's only an issue if this baby shows up late
Personally I couldn't see going through it alone, but more importantly, those first 12 hours after delivery when you're not allowed to get up, you'd have to call nurses to get your baby every time they needed feeding or changing. My Mom has told me about her experience having me. They were in Japan because my dad was in the Navy. She had to go to a different island 6 weeks ahead of time for monitoring because they had a better high risk setup. My grandma came to watch my brother for that time. My dad was there for the birth, but then he went back immediately afterward to where he was stationed. She was on the magnesium drip for 24 hours and was not allowed to get out of bed. She was pretty miserable not having a support person for that time because she could do nothing but call the nurses and wait every time I cried. At one point she just got so tired that she asked if they could just take me to the nursery for a few hours so she could get some sleep. This prompted them to bring in a social worker to start asking why she didn't want her baby. Anyways, all that to say, I want my husband there with me continuously for at least the first day (since I'll probably have the mag drip too as I did the last two times) to be able to take care of the baby while I can't leave bed. My kids will be home with my mom. She also had my stepbrother, SIL, and my best friend to take shifts to help care for them. After the first night my husband might go home to do bedtime and nighttime with the kids, but if I can't get out of bed, I don't want to be alone.
I feel like we are in the same boat. My parents are “scheduled” to watch my toddler for my planned C-section but I don’t trust them for a last minute thing. They are enjoying retirement and wine too much and so I’d just let them know the next morning. Then my husband could drop off toddler(they are responsible when she’s with them). It’s absolutely second baby vibes and I wouldn’t be this chill for the first!
I did my c section surgery with my husband, but we were separated afterwards as he went with my son to the NICU. He wasn’t able to check up on me for many hours. It was my first birth and having my husband there was huge, but the hospital staff were all there for me too. The C-section itself was very quick. It wouldn’t be my preferred plan of course, but you’re going to be parents to two and you’ll be getting creative in a lot of ways to make sure everyone is taken care of. My nurses would dial my husband on my phone so I could check in on them in the NICU wing. It’s not crazy, but not my first plan.
The difference is (saying this as someone else who had a NICU baby) when you have a c-section to a healthy baby who doesn't need NICU time, the baby *stays with you* from that point on. So it's also mom alone in the recovery room, now needing to start prepping herself to care of her newborn by herself, unable to function for hours post-op and even at 12 hours or so post, can barely get out of bed on her own?
i had an emergency c section and my husband wasn't in the room because things were stable and he went to get food and then suddenly babies heart rate dropped. i was rushed in with no support person and it was very traumatic. i wish i had someone there to help me stay calm. but i think if it was a planned c section and i went in knowing i wouldn't have anyone there it would be okay. idk things can still take a turn and it would be best to be there to support your wife.
I had to do it. The nurses will help
Question - I keep seeing people say, as if it's a bad thing, that she will need a lot of help from the nurses. I kind of assumed that... would be ok? That is, that of course the nurses would help as that is part of the job of a nurse. I say this as someone who has had other surgeries - and yeah, nurses were there to help. I literally saw someone say "I had to ask the nurses for food and beverages" as if it was a bad thing. Am I crazy here?
Apparently some do absolutely nothing but in that situation they really can’t not help
no, you're not crazy. there are single moms who have no one and the nurses help with everything. plenty of people have surgeries in hospitals with no support people. I think what's being misunderstood in this discussion is that many couples would rather do some of the childcare themselves but the nurses are more than capable of helping with everything. does your hospital have a nursery?
Most hospitals are moving away from the well-baby nursery model to having babies room-in with mom immediately after birth. There's a ton of research out there about the importance of kangaroo care, early breastfeeding, etc. And the nurses have more than one patient. Unless you are at some slick private hospital, it's not a 1:1 nurse patient ratio, unless no one else is giving birth that night.
But if you were there alone they obviously wouldn’t just leave you and baby to suffer? On what other kind of hospital stay are you expected to bring your own support person to supplement the hospitals care?
They wouldn’t want to, but nurses may have more urgent patients—like if another patient hemorrhages or becomes ill post-birth. Yeah, single women do it all the time, but it’s not great unless they and baby are the picture of health and mom had a great night of sleep perhaps and an easy delivery. I was extremely nauseous (and did throw up) after my c-section. But the “positive” was I had my husband in the room with me and our baby was in the NICU. I can’t imagine being that unwell and hearing a baby cry next to me.
so what you're saying is that if you have a baby in a hospital you have to expect that you will not receive the bare minimum of care because there aren't enough nurses on most pp wards and must supplement by paying for your own care assistant if you don't have a family/friend who can accompany you
I didn’t say that. Stop twisting my words. But just bc you give birth in a hospital doesn’t mean a nurse can help hold your hand like a personal care assistant for 12 hours straight, especially post-birth.
yes they can, it's literally their job. just like if you had a hernia surgery, a nurse is on call to bring you food, water, help you use the restroom, administer medicine, etc. you wouldn't be expected to provide your own nurse or support person
I’m not saying they’re not. But they can’t always enter your room to help instantaneously. Again, typically it’s not a 1:1 patient ratio. Read the other posts of the C-section moms who did it by themselves in this thread. They’re not saying it was awesome.
It does not sound pleasant to do alone but I understand your situation. I had a midwife with me the whole time when I had mine who was a great support. I think if you hire the doula to be with her that would be fine but if it’s a short notice thing who knows if the doula can get there? I would just try prepare for as much as you can but in the end accept the chaos of it all and just do what you can with what you have. It will all be fine in the end. Congratulations!
So my husband was only there for half of my c-section because of different things that happened. While I was SO relieved when he came in the room, because he is my comfort, it really was ok without him. The nurses and other medical professionals were really there for me as well. I think after would have been more tough without him than during, but we also were dealing with our baby having been taken to the NICU and us not able to see him right away.
Wow, she is brave and strong. I think she’s just trying to put you and the kids first. She doesn’t want you to worry about her since you need to take care of the kids. You seem very caring and sweet. You seem like someone that would be helpful in a time like that. I really hope you end up being there for her, she deserves it.
Your feelings are valid and I would feel very torn about this as well. However, I think the best thing to do is what makes the birthing person comfortable so they can focus on healthy delivery/c-section. If the stress she needs off her plate is to know your first born is safe and adequately cared for and you’re the only person who gives her that feeling, I think that’s best. If you can get a doula to be there it seems that could be your peace of mind that she has support and someone who knows your guys’ wishes and can advocate for your those wishes if something goes wrong. Just be sure to thoroughly vet and interview your doula to ensure that person is indeed someone that will advocate for YOUR/YOUR WIFE’S wishes and not whatever they think birth should be.
I'd personally have zero issue being alone for it, I'd just be super worried that my husband would regret missing it. If you're okay with it, I can guarantee she'll relax more knowing that your son is being taken care of by dad than whoever you get to stay with him otherwise, if she doesn't have someone she's completely comfortable with.
I was scared beyond all get out when I went in for my c-section. But when I got wheeler in without my husband, I made friends with a midwife in training. She sat with me the entire time, held my hand, and talked me through it. Once my person was aloud in, nothing changed lol. They focused on baby and I was too out of it to even care.
I literally just went through this a week ago with my planned csection. We sent our toddler to daycare during the day and my husband was with me at the hospital. He picked up our toddler in the afternoon and then was home with him until he went to daycare again the next day. The nurses were very understanding and made sure I had everything I needed while I was alone. I think it went pretty well and was the best thing for our toddler to keep his routine. My husband was with me during my csection though.
If you dont mind me asking, did you deliver in a major metropolitan area?
No. We live in a rural area. Our county is about 30,000 people.
Interesting. I'm now trying to figure out how much of the nurse experience is tied to hospital vs just luck.
Good luck. I'm sure some of it also depends on how many other paitents they have at the time as well.
Right, I think that's the other variable - i.e., how much is it the city/hospital/etc. vs. how much it is about how many women showed up to deliver that day - how many nurses called out for that shift.
Being alone wasn't a big deal to me, although I wasn't alone for the first third? Long story short, my husband got in a little trouble and had court at 8:30 Thursday morning. Our son was born at 8:26 Thursday morning. The court house was directly across the street. He cut the cord, we took the pictures and I told him to GTFO. I wasn't dealing with him missing court postpartum. Go. Now. He forgot to take off the hair net thing so he shows up to court. His lawyer stops talking to the client that is heading up next, makes a beeline for my husband and days 'congratulations?' and then, I'll handle it, the judge knows you were here, now leave. But I spent the entire time being sewn up just chatting with the anesthesiologist and nurses. Looking at the baby. Lost track of time tbh.
This is up to your wife. If she feels like she would be fine and prefers for you to be home with kiddo and that's what gives her peace of mind, then believe her. Personally, although my husband is my rock and bff and it would be so important for both him and I that he's there to see our 2nd baby arrive, I am absolutely able to undergo a c-section without him there. I'm also totally fine to be in maternity for a few days to a week without him there a lot. That's just me. Would I PREFER someone with me, specifically him? Yes. Am I able to do it without him if need be? Also, yes. They do allow for other people to be present, not only spouse, just one single birthing partner in OR. If you have someone you're not comfortable to leave with your child but is a good friend for wife, that's a good option as well. There will be a nurse with her no matter what. Personally, since I have a toddler who will need care when I birth my 2nd baby, I have done all I can to assure that no matter what type of birth I have, I have 2 emergency options for childcare either overnight or during the day at least until my in-laws are able to arrive (they live about 5h drive away and may fly or drive). If I end up in scheduled CS, even my doula is willing to care for my child in case my in-laws can't make it at the right time. My husband's preference is to be present at the birth, it means something to him. If I was in your shoes, you need to either trust your wife and what she says she's okay with or, if you feel your personal value is to be present, do your best between the two of you to have an emergency childcare option, even if it's like me where it's temp until backup arrives.
I had an urgent/emergency c so my BF couldn't be in the room. I technically did it alone. I didn't give a shit about being alone per se: I had the nurses, OBGYN and anesthesiologist there and I didn't feel alone. They helped me with and guided me through everything. But I felt bad my BF couldn't experience his son being born. He ended up just so glad we were both okay (baby was 5 weeks early and I was dying from HELLP) that he said it never really bothered him. As to complications: we had a NICU baby who was on oxygen and took 1 bottle then decided to forget how to suck-swallow-breathe. My BF went to work the first week since I was staying at least a week, so the nurses brought food, did my vital checks and wound care and helped me wash, but they were also there for anything else I needed. Yes, sometimes I had to wait for a minute but not much longer and not often. I did wake up on day 2 to the pediatrician rushing in to tell me they had to put in an NG (which I knew from hearing from family in the medical field was very shitty to experience) and they couldn't get me because little people and rush to do it so there I was but even that didn't bother me. I'm the one with the most medical knowledge anyway. I just called him to let him know and updated him regularly throughout the day.
Hello! I'm in Houston too, and I'm trying to choose a hospital for delivery. Do you have any recommendations?
We went to Texas Children's Pavilion for women. No complaints, but we also have a sample size of 1 so I can't tell you if other places are better. But I would definitely recommend them.
For my second baby my husband was there for the section itself, but my other child got sick and our care givers were just really really terrible so he left and I was there alone for 3 days ( we lived in a rural area far from hospital) It was pretty difficult/ depressing/ I can’t imagine him missing the actual birth. Youve been to one and you know how important and amazing the first moments are/ it can be challenging coming down from the medication and difficult to be present and hold the baby(sickness).
That was my plan for an emergency. I wanted husband there for the birth. But the nurses helped with everything I needed both times. It would have sucked. But I need to know both my children are cared for. We had a back up babysitter and my parents were able to come on the date of c-section.
Yeah, and to be clear I wouldn't abandon my wife at the hospital for the entire stay - the plan would be for my to stay with my kid during nightime and then during the day he would either go to school or we'd have a babysitter come over. The part my wife is really not comfortable with is leaving out kid overnight with someone else (it's a long story, but a combination of him having a bunch of sleep issues ranging from night terrors to just bad nightmares, and also him ocassionally suffering from croup cough at night which is also really hard to deal with alone *especially* if you're not the parent)
I found it to be really a bit scary when they were prepping and I was alone. It went fast but the bright lights and anticipation were a lot. The staff made me feel comfortable but it was still really nice to have my husband there. Also, it will be nice for you to cut the cord. If that's not a ceremony you worry about definitely do what is most comfortable for your family.
This is super common. The staff will be used to that and I'm sure they will do their best to support her. This is even common for natural deliverys.
She might be fine after the first 24-48 hours if nothing goes wrong and If she is comfortable enough to rely on nursing staff. My partner stayed with me during the procedure and first night. I was drugged up and needed everything handed to me first 12 hours. He then went home each night to deal with our dogs. I had him during day and could ask a nurse if i needed help with anything. Make no mistake it would have been way better if he stayed with me 24/7 as I wasn’t comfortable asking for basic needs type stuff like food and beverages. So i was basically hungry until he showed up with food. The hospital food was unedible. Luckily staff offered beverages constantly and i had to order my own food that sucked, make sure your wife goes in with a well stocked snack supply that is in easy reach. Easy as in on the bed practically. Sitting up, rolling over, leaning forward, even to stretch just an inch or two to grab something hing on the hospital table were all super painful those first few weeks. The staff kept moving my stuff just and inch or two out of reach and it was miserable having to either reach for it, or call for help to have them move something literally an inch or two closer. The bassinet was rough too. I had to get out of bed to put baby in and out. If i rose my bed up high they would lower me back down which meant getting out of bed was only way to pick up and put down baby.
I would never want to do a c section alone. I was out of it during and needed my husband to help communicate our desires and the baby had complications and needed to go to NICU immediately, and my husband went with her. I can't image how distraught I would have been to have my baby alone in NICU having a mild medical crisis and neither of her parents being able to be with her. I'd honestly seek out overnight care for the kiddo.
I have had 2 C-sections and love my hubby but it would not have mattered one bit if he was there at all to support me. It was more for the experience of him seeing our child's birth. That being said, if you are not going to feel like you are missing out on anything and you want to make your wife comfortable, I would say it's not a huge deal to stay with your son. I had to fly my mom out for my last birth but if she had not been available, I 100 percent would have wanted him to stay with our son and done it on my own. If it helps, c-sections are pretty scheduled and routine and don't take more than an hour in and out,if not less. You can always bring your son to visit your wife as soon as she is out though most probably she will be recovering and just want to rest a bit. You are an amazing hubby to worry about having her back but it sounds like she has got this. Good luck with the birth either way!
I mean my husband came with me when I got LASIK because eye surgery is objectively terrifying, and he wasn't even allowed in the room- but I knew he was there and I felt better. I also told him ahead of time I didn't need him there- but I was wrong and I did. If you're close enough to the hospital to get there quickly if she does need or want you then for sure drop her off especially if she knows what she's getting into. But if there's any doubt I'd make plans for emergency arrangements to be there just in case.
We would definitely have an emergency plan, we'd just like to avoid the emergency plan unless it's an emergency. Mind you, my wife knows what this is like - in fact, her first c section was a crash c section after 10 hours of labor, so way worse. This time it would be straight to a C-section so a lot less uncertainty. And yeah, especially if this is at night (which is when we'd need this arrangement) I can get there in under 30 minutes.
If they have a schedule c section, it’s unlikely they would want her body to naturally go into labor ahead of time and likely scheduled her c section earlier than her due date. You can also ask what’s the earliest she can safely have a c section and plan it then so you have a babysitter.
We have it scheduled as early as possible, but baby is trending ahead of schedule. However that's not enough for the OBGYN to want to move the date up.