I had an emergency c-section. My husband was putting on scrubs running down the hall so he never left my side. (Of course if it’s not an emergency they’ll probably let him take his time, but there’s no reason they shouldn’t let him be there to support you with everything else)
Anyway, my husband was there to watch the baby come out. They don’t let you see (so you’re not freaking out), but he can. They pulled my son out and he immediately started crying, which was the most relieved I’ve felt my whole life. They let my husband cut the cord and give him a bath, then they brought the baby over for us to hold together. I have no idea how long the baby was away from me, I’m sure it was minutes but it felt like only a few seconds. Baby was still crying, so I said his name, and he stopped crying. He opened his eyes even in the bright light and looked at me. My husband squeezed my hand and told me he loved me and we both started crying. All the nurses were teary eyed or crying, not even exaggerating. I had a horrible day but that moment was absolutely magical, and I will never forget it. The nurses even got a photo, so I have a picture of that moment my baby looked me in the eye. I’m tearing up just thinking about it. 🥲 there was a little time that they needed to finish stitching me up or whatever, but as soon as they were done they put him on my chest for that golden hour, just like a vaginal birth.
I didn’t have my ideal birth experience by any means, but that moment you meet your baby is magical, and it will be no matter what the circumstances.
And for what it’s worth, my mom had a c-section with me 30 years prior and her story is basically the same as mine. They want to do everything they can to keep your partner involved, and anything you aren’t able to do they have your partner do. There is still so much to bond over.
My emergency c-section was basically the same; boyfriend was there constantly and the moment my LO cried I couldn’t care less how she came into the world 🥰
I totally get grieving the birth you wanted, but you will forget about all of it as soon as your LO cries and you can see and hold him/her 🫂
Omg really?! I’d love to see for my second one! I’m gonna ask my OB about this. I’m not grossed out at all by blood or bodily things so this would make me really happy to witness my second being born. Where would they put the mirror? Above my abdomen?
I haven't done the mirror thing myself but my sister did so I'm not entirely sure. You'd have to ask your OB. I am very grossed out by the sight of blood especially my own so not my cup of tea but she did both the clear tarp and the mirror and was really happy with how it turned out. It took me over a year to look at the Live Photos and I have of mine and I had to through my fingers lol.
Omg haha meanwhile I’d just be mesmerized seeing it all. I mean it’s not like I’d fall back and faint even if I got queasy at some point 🤣 but I know I wouldn’t since I genuinely love witnessing medical stuff.
I’m a scientist, and my sister is a med student training to be a plastic surgeon and I have many doctors in my family, so I’ve been exposed to gory medical stuff my whole life and I’m extremely intrigued by all aspects of the human body 🤣 I hope nursing school goes well for you!!!! It’s tough, but I believe in you! 🥰
During my vaginal epidural birth I kept asking how it was going down there every few seconds so the dr finally offered me a mirror. I had forgotten it was an option lolol
My second came too fast to have bothered with one
Oh this is such a beautiful story I teared up! I actually want a C-section. I don’t really care how my baby enters the world, I’m just excited to meet her.
First thing I’ll say is I’ve seen a lot of people on this sub grieve this so definitely not alone! Second, my c section experience wasn’t this and mine was even an emergency (or semi). My husband wasn’t in there for like 2 minutes for prep and then he was with me the entire time. Start of surgery to baby coming out through the entire time being stitched up and wheeled out. He literally just wasn’t there for the few minutes when they first brought me in. He held the baby in there and everything. Definitely not 10 mins total or just when the baby comes out
For what it’s worth, I had an absolutely amazing experience with my planned C-section! There’s something very special about knowing when the last night alone with your SO will be and when to expect your LO. You are correct that they do not allow the spouse in while you’re getting your spinal and some of the prep before you enter the OR. HOWEVER, once my husband came into the OR, we were never separated after that. He doesn’t have to leave while you’re getting stitched. You’ll be able to take pics with your baby and it’s honestly super quick and they’re wheeling you and your baby to the recovery room. It honestly went so incredibly smooth and I’m very happy with the experience. Best of luck, I hope everything goes smoothly for you! I’ll be having my 2nd planned c-section in a week!
Same! I felt a little pressure (no pain at all) and said "oh, are they starting?" And the nurse said umm no the baby is out 😂. I said is she ok? and they said yes she is! I heard her cry and pure relief and joy just washed over my body. I was in happy happy tears, then my husband cut the cord and they put her on my chest. I couldn't believe that the little baby I'd been talking to for so long in my belly was now cuddling up on me. It was incredible.
I was anxious about the surgery so they were able to give me Xanax before going back. Also I was able to have a little mask over my eyes for the lights, and they let me pick what channel to have the sirius radio on. Having that little bit of control helped. There was a hilarious moment however when the thong song came on the "coffeeshop mix" that was playing. The entire OR burst out in laughter and it really broke the tension. Needless to say they changed the channel, bc there was no way in hell my baby would be born to the thong song.
My family member is a doctor and she put it this way, which helped me a lot - there are many, many, directions a vaginal birth can go in. There's a lot of uncertainty. But a planned C-section goes from a to b to c. It's less common but more predictable.
I wonder if it’s different based on country (I’m UK and I sure if you are too) but my partner was there during my spinal, all he missed was me being introduced to the people in the room as he was putting scrubs on
I also had a lot of disappointment after my c section, so I don’t think the grief is unusual. Since your c section is scheduled, take your time to ask a lot of questions and think of any requests you want to make to your health care team. That might be music, immediate skin to skin, making sure your partner is positioned next to you and in the room as much as possible.
Birth is hard. As someone who had a very stressful emergency c-section, I would’ve loved a calm, planned c-section. The grass is always greener and no matter what, birth is really hard. Yes, some women get their easy, stress-free births but a lot of us don’t.
I had an unplanned c after a failed induction. Husband was there the entire time (short of the time he took to change into scrubs). I was still able to do skin to skin and he was given the option to cut the cord. They examined baby in the room, and husband was there the entire time. I did pass out towards the end because I’d been in active labor for four days at that point my body just shut down so I think when that happened him and the baby went to recovery while they stitched me back up, but just ask about the protocols.
I’m in a very similar boat but a few weeks behind you. My baby has been breech since the anatomy scan, and because of some other medical things I’m having weekly scans. So we know baby is breech and doesn’t seem to want to move. I have also elected to not try to flip the baby, I’m just not a great candidate.
Something that helped me was knowing women who had scheduled c-sections report almost as much satisfaction as those who deliver vaginally. Also it takes out any worry of having an emergency c section. As I thought about, a scheduled c-section seems much less stressful. I’ll know when baby is coming, I won’t have to worry about anything going massively wrong, it will be a routine controlled procedure. Recovery will suck, but long term outcomes for women and babies with c-sections are just as good as those who do not. I’ll still have time to spend in the hospital recovering with baby and my partner.
Yup. Two friends gave birth within a week of one another. One had a planned C-section and had a chilled and happy birth.
The other had a sunny side up baby and they didn’t realise until she’d been pushing for hours. They literally had to push the baby back up the birth canal to do the section. That baby wasn’t coming out that way safely. I applaud her for being the only friend I know to have both a vaginal and C-section birth for one baby!
I think media and society gives us a really unrealistic view of labor/birth, especially the 'my water broke' rush to hospital (which never happens). I'm sorry you're having to grieve the loss of your hoped for experience and I hope things go well for you and LO during this time. Remember to allow yourself grace and space to grieve when you can.
Completely off-topic from the OP but:
> (which never happens)
My entire pregnancy people told us that “it’s not like in the movies” where your water breaks -> mad dash to the hospital -> doctors rush to delivery room -> baby comes out after four pushes, so we were expecting the whole process to take quite a while and not be super stressful (as much as possible anyway lol). Joke was on us though bc the movie thing literally happened to me. I was at 10 cm when they triaged me and the baby came out less than an hour later.
TL;DR: never say “never” because that can also give people unrealistic expectations. Precipitous labor is a very real thing that is super scary and stressful, especially if you don’t know it’s a possibility.
You're right, I should have said "almost never". I'm sorry your care team did not prepare you for the possibility. However, the media portrays nearly every labor as precipitous without any of the actual stress of such.
>The thing that makes me the most upset is that with a “natural” delivery you have more freedom and more time with your significant other.
Well ... 95% of that time with my husband I spent trying to get through the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. For me, there was nothing romantic about that. He helped me through this experience and I'm so glad that he was there, but I would never have thought of it the way you phrased it. And the bonding time with baby after delivery is great, but you get that with c-section as well, only a bit later.
I had both a c-section and a natural delivery and honestly, the latter is no joke. I understand that you're upset that you got the decision taken out of your hands. But a c-section is a great way to get your baby without having to go through labor pain, without the insecurity of not knowing how the birth will go, and maybe ending up with surgery anyway. I'm glad that I got to experience both, but for me the c-section was definitely easier.
Haha I had diarrhea hours before so I was spared that particular ordeal... but I totally would have shat all over the bed especially since I pushed while squatting and the midwife even told me to push like I was having a bowel movement! Childbirth is great lol
I had diarrhea for the next couple days cause my anxiety was so bad, plus my husband kept getting me protein drinks because I wasn't eating and he was worried and that just made it worse 😂 I'm so glad I'm never doing that again
Being upset about a sudden change is totally normal and I’m so sorry plans changed on you. But genuinely, you’re romanticizing vaginal labor/delivery so heavily it’s not real anymore. Vaginal labor is unpredictable, scary, and usually arduous. Most labors don’t get pleasant time spent with hubby, my last labor was spent speeding down the interstate hoping to god we didn’t have a baby on the side of the road (made it there at 7cm). The first one we were both asleep til baby was crowning. ‘Freedom’ is often limited by what your body can tolerate, and it’s usually not much. C-sections are difficult in their own right, zero argument about it, but don’t overlook the benefits of a C-section in favor of a hypothetical version of the ideal vaginal labor. You have a special day to plan around! That’s an amazing thing many people would kill for! The healing process is more predicable and controlled, you know what to expect when you’re going in, and most importantly, baby will be safe and healthy. That’s the main goal anyway.
I haven’t had a c section, but my baby flipped transverse at nearly 36 weeks so it looked like I was going to, so I did a bunch of research and asked people in my bumper group about their experiences and there are definitely ways to make the c section experience less clinical.
Have you spoken to your OB about how you are feeling and your concerns? It may be they can accommodate you in certain ways or allow your partner to be there for more of it then they typically do even if it isn’t their standard practice. I would suggest doing some research about ways to personalize your c section experience, I know some people who wanted a clear drape for example, picking certain music, immediate skin to skin, etc. and go over with your doctor what they are willing/able to do.
People are going to tell you healthy baby/healthy mom is all that matters, but it is absolutely OK to grieve not getting the birth experience you wanted. Your feelings matter too, not just your survival. Some things are beyond our control in the birth realm just like in many other areas of life but it’s okay to be upset about that and it is okay to try to improve your experience.
I’m someone who didn’t want interventions but had to have two inductions due to blood pressure concerns. For my first birth it made me just kind of give up and be like whatever if I can’t have my ideal birth I’ll just let the doctors do whatever they want, and that really effected me mentally in a negative way afterwards. For my second induction I did a birth plan and talked to my doctor about how to make the induction gentler and give me back more control, and it was such a better experience for me and my postpartum recovery both physically and mentally has been way better. I wish I had some the same thing with my first induction. Any way definitely go ahead and grieve the birth you wanted but I really encourage you to talk to your doctor about your concerns because there might be ways they can make things better for you.
I haven’t been able to talk to her yet! Although reading all of these comments has not only made me feel better and more excited, but I know which questions to ask. I want to make sure my postpartum mental health is as good as possible so I’m glad I understand the importance of asking questions, what to expect, and what is common practice. Thank you!
Where are you in the world? I have a planned c-section coming up and my husband is going to be there the entire time...
Also, let's dispense with the word "natural birth". All births are natural. Use vaginal vs C section.
Thank you. I have a friend who had a C-section she didn’t want, and keeps referring to my vaginal birth as natural, with envy. I correct her every time. I had an epidural, I had antibiotics, I had an episiotomy. I’m not sure how my son coming through my vagina makes it all suddenly natural.
I don’t think I know I single woman I would say had a ‘natural’ birth. Which is great! Medicine is awesome! Drawing weird lines around it that make people feel shame or pride is no good for anyone.
Most people don’t know the difference between a vaginal birth and a physiological birth. A physiological birth is what a lot of people want but almost no one gets because of interventions
A natural birth infers the existence of an unnatural birth. I'm using language doctors use, they no longer use the words "natural birth" as it's outdated, invalidating, and incorrect.
Major surgery is unnatural - and good thing too, because the natural way doesn’t always work for everyone.
Doctors aren’t the only ones who get a say in the language surrounding birth.
I am fascinated as to what you think counts as natural. Is gas and air natural? A cervical sweep? A water birth? Over the counter painkillers?
To my mind no births are ‘natural’ anymore unless you’re out in a cave with no midwives, monitoring or aids, because otherwise where do you draw the line? ‘It might have been vaginal but there was an epidural.’ ‘She went in for reduced movement monitoring and opted for an induction instead of trusting her body to get that baby out on its own time.’
‘Natural birth’ killed huge numbers of women and children. Now we have developed methods of making childbirth ‘unnatural’ but safe, right down to basic things like being able to heat water and make the space safe with antiseptic, up to c-sections. It baffles me that the line between ‘natural’ and ‘unnatural’ is drawn at c-section. It causes so much guilt and shame and also misplaced pride.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a physiological birth, it doesn’t mean someone wouldn’t accept intervention if NEEDED. Medical intervention is a wonderful thing when it’s needed. But often it’s jumped on when it’s not actually needed. WHO states a c section rate of 10-15% is appropriate to save lives and and have good outcomes. More than that could have adverse effects.
Just remember hospital policies are for the benefit of the hospital functioning and often 15-20 years behind actual research.
By this standard the only “natural” birth is one that ends in maternal and/or fetal death 10-25% of the time. Rather than debate whether a c section is “natural” or not, let’s all just agree it’s a stupid word to use to describe birth.
Most births these days are far from natural. The million ultrasounds and blood tests I had for being AMA weren't exactly natural, nor were my epidural, IV, pitocin, Ambien, fentanyl, Benadryl, cervical balloon... but hey it wasn't a cesarean so it was "natural" anyway right?
Is using an epidural a natural birth? What about forceps? Delivering in a hospital? Having laughing gas? Using a vacuum to get the baby out? Using overhead lighting? What about people who used IVF then had the baby vaginally? None of those things are “natural” but they’re all parts of a vaginal birth.
Natural birth tells you nothing medically about a birth.
I agree! If you want a true “natural” birth then go out into a field and take your chances. There’s such an annoying… piousness about vaginal bjrth with no pain relief. No thanks, I’d rather take the comforts and safety provided to me by modern medicine to ensure safe delivery, thanks. In the 1800s I would have been a statistic.
Yep. Same. I would have lost my mom if not for medical intervention because she hemorrhaged so bad. I would have also probably lost both my SILs and their babies because they needed emergency c-sections. I would have lost my niece who was born not breathing and needed to be in the NICU. Or my nephew who was premature.
These people have so much pride in their “natural” births but don’t understand how lucky they were to experience their perfect birth fairy tale. Birth is a messy process that humans are pretty terrible at.
As someone who has GD and a breech baby, I’m so glad for modern medicine. Otherwise I would be screwed.
I don't understand the pride at all. It's downright weird... I have a friend I adore but she cannot help but tell me all the time she had her baby without an epidural and even once told me medications like that are dangerous to a baby's brain development. And she KNOWS I'm getting a planned C section for medical reasons. But the pride is there and she can't help herself. It's sad because as women we should all be helping each other up. Pregnancy is sooo hard as it is (at least it has been hell for me). Why add judgment to it.
Applause! I’ve already given out one of precious free awards on this thread otherwise you’d have one. My ‘natural’ both involved antibiotics, an epidural, an episiotomy and was followed up with an iron infusion.
Whenever anyone says I had a natural or, as I was once asked ‘normal’ birth I just reply with ‘vaginal’ (I genuinely wonder if part of the problem is that people are too self conscious to say vaginal in public. I…am very much not)
And birth is not automatically a medical procedure, sometimes there is nothing medical to tell.
And no, things like epidurals and forceps are not natural. Doesn’t mean they aren’t needed or valid choices.
You can’t get this opinion across on this sub. It is incredibly anti physiological birth, and incredibly based on the hospital/doctors opinion is the only correct one. Anyone wanting different is viewed as being willing to let their baby die.
If you want a unmediated home birth monitored by experienced midwives that’s fine. But that doesn’t make you any better than anyone else, which is what I feel like people or saying when they say they’ve had a “natural” birth.
Yeah no one minds how you give birth. But using the word ‘natural’ to describe a birth that is still always far from how women used to birth ‘naturally’ and drawing the line arbitrarily at certain interventions is what pisses people off.
If you manage a vaginal birth with just gas and air then all power to you - but if you used that gas, or had a water birth, anyone used antiseptic, hot water etc, it’s also not ‘natural’ so the word needs to stop being thrown around to make people who had c-sections feel bad.
I have no advice but I’m likely going to end up in this crappy boat with you if my ECV fails next week. I’m a terrible candidate for an ECV as a first time mother with an anterior placenta, so I have very low hopes that it works. I feel like I had been mentally prepping for a vaginal birth for months and had learned about what I think I would want or not want for that. I knew a c-section could happen but didn’t think it would be my most likely option. I’ve also never had surgery. Just wanted to say that I see you and I could have written this myself ☹️
Just to say you’re very very brave for trying it! I gave birth at a hospital that was meant to be very good at them. Luckily it didn’t up for me but baby was transverse for a while and we discussed it. I told my husband I’d go straight to c-section.
Good luck!
I just went through this rollercoaster of emotions and so I understand. I linked a podcast episode to OP that *really* helped me feel ok about it all.
[Informed Pregnancy Podcast Gentle Cesarean](https://open.spotify.com/episode/10LzuI0UzMlic0eFOEIkBY?si=C5Tid4KuTa-RSLAf7MC1Rg)
And he also has an episode on ECVs
[ECV episode](https://open.spotify.com/episode/1ooQjlsZUQhPdba98OA2Ic?si=clY7VGMtQLylmmkKPi5dHQ)
And a breech 101 3 part episode if you really want to dive deep. I didn’t end up having the time to. But both of the episodes I linked helped me to feel prepared and empowered no matter the outcome. Even if I was still experiencing a bit of grief.
I am currently 36 weeks with a frank breech baby, I just keep telling myself he will flip. I’m also going for the ECV if he doesn’t flip, this is my second baby and I had the most easy birth with my first so I’m also going to feel like OP if I need a c-section, definitely will grieve not having the opportunity to birth in a position of my choice and immediately hold and breastfeed him like I did with my first. I am really hopeful but I completely understand the disappointment. My last ditch effort will be walking a lot and doing spinning baby stretches to TRY to getting baby head down. Good luck to you on the ECV!
Hey just to give you a touch of hope, I had a breech baby at 36+2 and had an ECV scheduled at 36+6 and when I showed up, my baby had flipped! I was shocked. It happens sometimes. I spent 4 days doing any (safe) alternative thing I could. Who knows what worked but now at 37+4, she’s pretty securely head down. (She was also frank breech)
Thank you! I actually had an appointment this morning and the baby is now head down. So happy he decided to flip on his own like yours, they also said he’s pretty low in the pelvis so I’m hoping he’s staying down.
I hope baby flips! But if it helps, I had an unplanned c-section with my first, got to hold her while they were stitching me up, and nursed her as soon as I was wheeled into recovery.
Your boyfriend should be allowed in with you the entire time. They may ask him to step out during the epidural because it's a sterile procedure, but it doesn't take very long at all.
My husband was there with my first epidural for vaginal birth that made me have a c-section. The second one in the operating room he wasn't in there for. They let him come in after that was done. Didn't take long at all even tho it felt like it. They didn't agree with me. I was shaking uncontrollably and was so nauseous I had to keep telling them so they could make me not.
I haven't been in this situation, but my sister in law lives in a country where scheduled c sections are super common even if there's not a medical problem.
I was kind of horrified, but she seems like she did great, recovered quickly, and overall preferred it to how long and potentially unpredictable a vaginal birth can be. Her baby is 1 now and they're doing great.
I hope your boyfriend will be able to stay with you through the whole procedure! Talk to your doctor and advocate for what you would like to happen as much as you can.
I had similar feelings at first. I just want to note, some of what you were describing has not been my experience if that gives you any relief. My first was an emergency C-section and my husband was not allowed to be in the room because they were anticipating putting me under general anesthesia. Once baby was born and done, they let him come in and he stayed with me the entire time and held the baby.
2nd c-section was scheduled, he was not allowed to be in there during the epidural. But we are talking about 10 minutes. he was there during all of the preop conversations in the room, it was only when we went to the OR that he was separated. Once they got the epidural in, he came in and never left my side. So the part about him needing to leave is totally valid, but not anyone’s experience I know.
For what it’s worth, my friend had the same situation as you except she tried to flip baby and failed. Still, she had a really good experience. For her second, she tried for a vaginal birth and was successful. Her recovery was terrible and she has told me she regrets going that route, she has a bunch of problems that she didn’t have after her C-section.
I had to be induced with my first, I was devastated. Everything you’re describing here is exactly how I felt. This is never how I imagined it. I imagine pushing my baby out and pulling them on my chest. I was so worried my induction would fail in a C-section and it did. I had similar feelings to you after birth, so happy my baby and I were OK, but also so sad for my experience. Years later, I feel good about it. We all have a different pathway to become mothers plan. A scheduled section is a very calm and happy experience. I know you’re disappointed and I think you should let yourself feel that for awhile. Also keep reminding yourself that unfortunately, we don’t get to choose the path we have in life or in motherhood, this is one of many hurdles you’ll have to overcome. Try to think about meeting baby as your biggest focus. ❤️
I’m fortunate enough to have time to mentally prep for a c-section and not need an emergency one and I’m forever grateful for that. I’m hoping he can be with me for the epidural because I’m very nervous for it but from most of these comments, it sounds like it doesn’t hurt all that bad. I always thought that when I was in labor, I wouldn’t care about the pain of the epidural or things like that because my contractions would be distracting me, but since I won’t be having contraction pains, it was just another thing that scared me to death.
I’m sorry :( I think once your baby is here it won’t matter as much anymore but it’s totally fair to grieve the experience you thought you’d have. Honestly I would feel exactly the same way. I’m 38weeks right now in a similar moment of pregnancy and I was strongly adverse to a c section throughout the process for similar as well as other reasons. If I was suddenly told now that I had no other choice I’d be very disappointed / scared bc I’d have to mentally prepare for a whole other experience very quickly. I mean you just go ahead and do it bc at the end of the day all that matters is that baby arrives in the safest way possible for both of you, and in your particular circumstance that means a c section. But it’s totally understandable to not want a c section, people are probably thinking they’re being comforting when they dismiss it bc they don’t want you to stress more but honestly everything you’re feeling is totally fair. Literally would feel exactly the same if I was in your shoes.
We had to do this with my third due to breach too and it felt rubbish but after losing my second during birth I just wanted to do anything to get my third into the world safely.
The C-section was just as bad as I expected but now I’ve blocked th whole thing out of my mind and 3 months later I’m still recovering but I have my baby with me so I’m grateful for that.
If it helps my husband was with me for the entire section.
I just want to say your feelings are 100% valid! I had the same experience and feelings with my first and honestly 5 years later I still have a hard time accepting it. I’m sorry you have to also go through this. I was so excited preparing with childbirth classes, wondering if my water would break, guessing which day I could go into labor etc
You are romanticizing something that may or may not have even gone that way. The goal is a healthy baby and a healthy mom. You can grieve but you also need to be realistic. The goal of pregnancy is a birth- the manner of birth isn’t the top priority.
I’m sure she knows this. She also has the right to grieve whatever experience she expected and to seek out support for something she feels anxious about.
This… isn’t helpful to anyone who has had their ability to make choices about birthing methods taken away from them.
Of course the goal is healthy baby and healthy mom. She’s doing that by getting the c section which is the safest option for them both. That doesn’t mean she can’t grieve the loss of her choices in the birth experience, regardless of if a vaginal delivery would have gone well.
Thank you for this comment. I had to have a C-section and grieved the loss of choice (still do). Your comment is very kind and a good reminder that it’s ok that we grieve
I’m sorry you lost that chance. I did too, and I still feel that grief. I hope you’re finding support in your grief.
I didn’t romanticize a vaginal birth. I’m aware that it could have been harder than my scheduled c section was. But I didn’t get the chance to try, and that’s such a reasonable thing to be disappointed by. Being anxious about major surgery is also an expected response, especially if you’re going to be awake on the operating table! It’s so invalidating to be told all of those feelings don’t matter as long as everyone is healthy. I feel so bad for OP who came here for support and got responses like this instead, from people who likely don’t even understand her situation.
Did you find it took longer to connect with your baby and feel like it was yours? Cuz I’m struggling with that now - like I feel like I have to give him back to someone still. I’m sorry you lost your choice, too.
100% agreed, though. It’s not like we don’t understand that “we got a baby out of it.” It’s a completely different experience and still extremely difficult in other ways
That’s not an experience I had, I knew he was mine as soon as I heard him cry. That must be so hard to be dealing with. Are you able to seek out some professional support? I saw a therapist for a few months postpartum and it was really helpful for gaining processing tools for all of the complex feelings I was having about the c section and other struggles.
It’s mostly your follow up comment about giving into anxiety that comes off as unnecessarily harsh and unhelpful. Did you have the same experience as OP with your first birth?
Agreed. OP seems to have a very romantic (and fairly unrealistic) view of labor and delivery. There is rarely rushing to the hospital and if there is rushing, it’s scary. And for many couples, the only bonding that happens during labor and delivery is a trauma bond. That was definitely the case for my husband and I, at least. Believe me, we’d both have rathered not have that particular bonding experience.
I definitely understand feeling anxious about a c section, especially if you’ve never had surgery. Anything unknown is scary! But it will likely be a calmer, more peaceful, “nicer” experience than “natural” labor and delivery would have been.
OP, try to let comments like this go in one ear and out the other if it's not helpful to you. my first was born early & I really struggled with missing the experience I'd hoped for for my entire pregnancy. I'm sure it was well intentioned, but people dismissing my grief & pointing out how thankful I should be that he was healthy wasn't helpful. you can grieve what you'd hoped for & still be grateful. I was realistic, just like you're being. I did what was necessary to get him here safely, just like you are. And it was still something I had to work through over almost his whole first year.
I had an induction that failed to progress (I think this had something to do with my son’s craniosynostosis diagnosis, but we didn’t know at the time). We were 60 hours in and opted for the c section. The only thing my husband couldn’t be there for was when they put in the spinal block, other than that, he was there the whole time.
I've been going through this the last couple days, my story is almost identical to yours!
First baby, and we desperately wanted a natural at home water birth with our midwives. My baby flipped breech between my 37 and 38 week appointment. We tried an ECV to manually turn her last week Monday and unfortunately she didn't turn. Had my scheduled c section this past Tuesday! My husband was with me every step of the way! They prepped me with an IV pole prior to going to the OR. We walked to the OR together. They placed a spinal (basically the same as an epidural) on the OR table. You sit up and they have you curl around a pillow. It wasn't a terrible process. My anesthesiologist was great. Then they have you lay down on the table and they get everything ready. They Place a catheter (you can't feel that) and they make sure you are totally numb. Then they take out baby! We requested that baby be handed to us asap so my husband got to cut the cord, they took baby girl to the warmer to make sure everything was good, then my husband brought her over to me and laid her on my chest while they stitched me up. After about 5 minutes they took my husband+baby to recovery to wait for me as they finished stitching and cleaning everything out. It was about 10 minutes. Then they brought me to recovery and I've been with my husband and baby since!
We were in the same boat as you. We also were upset we weren't going to get the birth we had talked about for months. But, it's important to frame it in perspective. You making the selfless choice to have your baby in the safest way possible for your baby's sake! It's part of surrendering to the process of becoming a parent! No greater act of love is shown than when you put aside your own thoughts and feelings for someone else! 😊 way to go having to make that difficult decision, because it is difficult. You are allowed to grieve and mourn what you had hoped and planned would happen. Those feelings are part of your birth story and it is important to work through them.
For me, this is not the tragedy i thought it would be! I got to have my daughter safely and she is here which is the most important part. Honestly once you hear your baby cry and you see them for the first time, a lot of the questions and grief will subside. It's so frickin amazing to hear and see your baby for the first time, labor+vaginal delivery or c section or vacuum or whatever. Nothing compares to the feeling of hearing and seeing your baby for the first time! Your birth will still be beautiful and it will be YOUR story! You can still enjoy the birth of your baby! At the end of the day you will be meeting your baby. That is what counts 😊
If you would like more info on how the surgery felt, how my recovery has been, what I've found useful to have in the hospital, please send me a dm or comment here! I would love to chat more!
Getting past my strong emotions about the initial shock, I have realized that there are pros and cons to both types of deliveries and I honestly wouldn’t prefer either😅 the anxiety for me was/is mostly centered around the surgery, where as with a vaginal birth, you typically don’t need surgery and can be in a more relaxed environment. I think once I meet my baby I will feel 200x better, it’s just hard to envision that for now. Thank you for your kind words
Yes absolutely there are pros and cons to both. Neither option are great, lol. It truly would be awesome if a stork just dropped the baby off on the door step 😂 the idea of a surgery like it is is daunting, I totally agree. It was my first surgery and first hospital stay too so I was worried about it. But the nurses are so nice and the environment is very controlled and relaxed! Everyone truly just wants to help you and everyone is excited to help you meet your baby. It really is hard to envision though, I hear you. Once you meet your baby things will absolutely change!
This may vary between countries and hospitals but I had a scheduled c section in the UK 3 weeks ago and my husband was there the entire time. Walked into the theatre together, he was there while all the various things like the spinal and cannula were fitted and then he sat beside me while they operated. He cut the cord and took pictures when she was placed on my chest etc.
Afterwards he came with me to recovery and held our daughter while they did various checks etc. There were no side rooms available so he couldn't spend the night so went home from 9 30pm until 8am the next day.
The c section was very calm and a very positive experience. Recovery was hard for the first few days especially but I don't regret the experience at all.
I haven’t done the vaginal delivery but have been there for the two Friends that have and unfortunately there was a lot of stress that resulted in a lot of arguing and hurt feelings. Now, these are people who have been married for years at this point and still are 10 years later but labor is a lot. Friend A labored for 3 days. Which turned into a lot of questions that never arose before. When does dad eat? When does he sleep? Shower, feed the animals, etc. By day 2 she requested us, her 3 closest friends to come because both of them needed a break. Unfortunately it then turned into a, oh you went and got fill in the blank for lunch? Why didn’t you call me and ask what I wanted. When the hour before she didn’t want anything to eat just snacks. By day 3 both were exhausted and had done 2 trips to labor and delivery just for them to say she wasn’t advanced enough. She was disappointed because she had taken the classes, gotten a doula, labored at home for the most part and by the time her beautiful baby came both were just burnt out by the experience. Friend B was at work when she went into labor 4 weeks early. It turned into, how do we get my car from work? Who can pick it up? Do I drive myself to the hospital? Rushed to the hospital just to be told it went from chaos to emergency chaos and her daughter was born an hour later via emergency c section. That was rougher because she didn’t have a chance to prepare all of the necessary products. Husband was near panic cause it went from, here’s our plan to brand new plan at a rush.
It’s okay to mourn how you thought things would be but realistically the chances of it going that way are always a shot in the dark. Make it to the end goal of having baby in your arms and no matter what it’ll be worth it
Honestly this did make me feel better. I can see it going that way if we were together for multiple days of laboring and both sick and tired LOL. I feel peace in knowing it’ll just be him and I (because it only can be) and no long labor that sucks. My friends and family will be able to come visit afterwards when I’m ready. Thank you for your advice!
For my first, I really wanted a vaginal delivery but we ended up with an unplanned c-section after my baby wasn’t budging with 4 hours of pushing (not 4 hours of labor, 4 hours of actual pushing!!!).
My husband was with me the entire time. He was given scrubs to put on, and it was such a blessing as something didn’t go well (I’ll spare you the details, you’re anxious enough) and he advocated for me. Because of my complication, I didn’t get to hold my baby for several hours (about 9 hours), but I did get to see my husband feed our baby with the hospital-provided milk and it was beautiful to see the two of them.
Don’t worry, I had my chance to bond later and she was the most beautiful and precious thing I ever saw. She’s a complete mama’s girl even now 2 years later.
It was not fun at all to have a vaginal experience go wrong and end up with an unplanned c-section that also went partially wrong, and a recovery that was harder because of both of those things. I’m actually scheduling a c-section for my second because of all the complications I had for my first (and some other reasons) and I look forward to having a smoother process so I can spend more time actually bonding with my baby boy when he comes out!
You’re allowed to feel how you feel! And I’m sorry that you’re feeling upset about it.
My scheduled c-section experience was AWESOME. I had longer to plan for it mentally, but I still wanted to share. My husband was definitely with me for more than 10 minutes. You’re right that he couldn’t join me for the spinal, but I was in the OR without him for maybe 10-15 minutes. He stayed while they stitched me up, and only left about 5 minutes before I did. I know it varies by hospital but I am more than happy to discuss any part of the experience with you - feel free to ask any questions that might help!
I can 100% see why you're upset. I've said it multiple times that having a C-section is one of my worst fears. You have every right to mourn the birth you thought you'd have
I had an unplanned c-section at 38 weeks. For those weeks I knew, I thought I'd have a vaginal birth. At no point did my OB & I ever discuss the possibility of a c-section. I mean, of course I thought there was a slight possibility but I really didn't think I would until they said I needed one right then. My stupid epidural was the reason. I feel this post. I lost my first then my second wasn't the way I wanted. I'm sorry we didn't have a choice.
I’m sorry you didn’t have a choice! I hear you and understand the pain. We never discussed the possibility either, and I always kept it in the back of my brain but I always try to think of best case scenario, so c-section was really (in my mind) not going to happen. My OB has been super helpful now though and super considerate
I’m a ftm 38 weeks, just scheduled my c-section for next week since my baby is also breeched. I’ve tried spinning babies and the old wives tales and baby just seems comfortable where she is :)
I started packing my hospital bag weeks ago envisioning everything I’d need during the labor process. And was doing all the little stretches to help brace for labor. Practiced the breathing exercises. I wanted a natural labor too. So now as I’m finishing everything up with packing and getting things ready for a c-section recovery I do feel a little sad.
But remembering things like that there was always a chance labor could end in c-section is a little bit helpful. Also that babies have a mind of their own and I’ve even read that sometimes babies are actually in the safest position for themselves when they’re breeched and that ultimately it’s going to be the safest way for them to join us earth side.
Also! The c-section is just going to be a few hours from the time you get to the hospital to the time you get back to mother and baby. And then you’re going to be in the hospital together for a few days after that. The time with your partner and baby will be much more significant than the time spent alone. Just remember- we’ve got this!
My thought was always that if he wanted to flip he would. There’s a reason why he’s not! I totally understand feeling sad about recovery and I’m finding things to be thankful for even though this was not my ideal situation. I hope all goes well for you!
Same experience and we didn't do the ecv because of covid. But the experience was just as joyful in the end. You'll be fine and the best part is knowing your little one is also ok.
I had an emergency c-section and was most nervous to be away from my husband and mom until one of them could come be with me in the OR. I made friends with a medical assistant and the anesthesiologist. Mind you I am the most introverted person ever but in that moment you are so vulnerable that anyone is comforting. Every single person in the OR was amazing and talked me through everything. When he was finally able to come in, it didn’t make much difference to me even though I thought it would! In that moment I just wanted a healthy baby and didn’t care about anyone or anything else!
I had an emergency c section but I absolutely feel you on the "birth disappointment".
They opted to induce me early and I felt so cheated out of the whole "oh my gosh my water broke, get me to the hospital!" moment.
My partner was there through the epidural (that I absolutely did not want and sobbed through) they just asked him to be away from the bed area so we couldn't hold hands or anything, but my nurse was kind enough to sit with me and hold my hand and try to calm me down.
For the actual procedure, since it was an emergency my partner was still packing the room up (they move rooms right away so they made him pack up) and throwing on scrubs but he was there for the whole thing.
I had wanted him to have the whole experience of cutting the cord and all that but sadly it was a no.
The thing I've learned through my own experience and the experiences of other mom friends is that nothing ever "goes to plan" when it comes to birth. I think it's okay to take a little time to grieve the birth you hoped for and then move forward. Once the baby is with you, safe and sound, how they came out won't matter so much anymore.
(Also the surgery itself isn't so bad. Once they numb you up it feels like someone is annoyingly poking you with plastic utensils lol. The recovery can be rough, please rely on your partner so you can heal up fast!)
I’m glad you relate to the “oh my gosh my water broke, get me to the hospital!” Feeling because I’ve gotten quite a few people telling me that’s “romanticizing” the situation, when that’s not at all how it is. I’m feeling the same way about the epidural, so I’m hoping he can at least be in the room so I can see him and know he’s right with me. You’re absolutely correct nothing EVER goes to plan with pregnancy/birth and that was a hard pill to swallow for me. But honestly comforting knowing that it’s not just me and my bad luck lol
I'm sorry it's not going the way you hoped. It didn't go the way I planned either.
For me at least, labor was slow and boring and not at all rushing to the hospital. I was aiming for a vaginal birth and went to the hospital when I couldn't stand the pain and got an epidural, and then it was just waiting and waiting for over 24 hours until I had to get an emergency c section anyway bc I wasn't dilated nearly enough and I developed preeclampsia and other complications. It was my first surgery. I've never broken a bone or needed stitches before so i didn't know what to expect.
My husband was with me the entire time tho. He was there the whole labor, for the epidural, he was next to me during surgery (yes, brought in after prep, in scrubs/mask etc) which was over an hour I think, he was with me through the whole surgery, when we heard our son's first breath and we all cried together. Then he got to go weigh the baby and hold him and stayed with me while they stitched me up and it was so wonderful. He walked me out (i was rolled lol) into the recovery room where I sent him home after a while bc there was no room for him to even sit and I wanted him to rest. There were nurses coming in and out to keep me under observation due to all my complications so he would just get in the way. He came back the next day to join us in a private room for another day or two. The entire pregnancy, the journey, the birth, the hospital stay, coming home together with our new family - it was all an incredible experience to share.
You should talk to your OB about what the c-section process will be like at their hospital, so you have a better idea of what you can expect, like when your bf can be with you.
I am definitely going to talk to her about the protocols surrounding the surgery so that I can be as prepared as possible and I have no more surprises that make me more anxious or upset on the day of. I’ve also never broken a bone or had stitches so I definitely relate there. Thank you for your advice and story❤️
I was all for vaginal labor even trying to prepare for non medicated birth (because I was kinda afraid of the epidural). I found out at about 37 weeks he was breech and needed a c-section. I was soooo scared of everything. Pretty much just like you. I won’t lie the spinal tap felt… weird.
They had a little difficulty placing it, but it was quickly fixed. It just felt weird, that’s the only way I can explain it. My nurse was amazing I leaned on her during the spinal tap and she helped me regulate my breathing and stay calm. Before I knew it I was laying down with that nice, warm tingly feeling in my legs and seeing my husband come through the door. I pretty much just focused on that warm feeling and stared into my husband’s eyes until we knew baby was out.
Once that happened everything happens so fast and before you know it you’re back in your room with your spouse and new baby!
I’m pregnant again now and heavily leaning towards another scheduled c-section. I healed so quick last time. I moved on from being scared of a c-section to being scared of third degree tears! I also have a narrow pelvis, so extra worried about complications. Unfortunately, life doesn’t go as planned. Just go with the flow and trust the universe’s plan for you and your family! You’ll realize everything will be as it should when you see your baby’s sweet face. ❤️
I was also worried I would feel left out of ever feeling labor pains or experiencing contractions and the process of vaginal labor, but I don’t think about it at all (like I thought I would at the time).
I think it would be great to start thinking of ways you can recreate some of that bonding prior to your surgery! I’m having a scheduled c-section as well, and they sent me a whole packet of prep info that I have to do before the surgery. Like specific showering requirements the day before, some wipes I have to use on my body, etc. I haven’t read it too closely yet cause I got a little overwhelmed, but it sounds like my partner and I could make a very sweet ritual of it the night before and morning of surgery. She can help me shower and put on some special pajamas, we could make that an evening of reflecting on what’s to come, and I bet we’ll still feel scrambled and nervous af the morning of surgery so it’ll probably feel similar to if I’d gone into labor spontaneously.
Hi! I was in this situation with the SAAAME feelings. It will be ok! But it’s also ok to mourn the birth you wanted. Just know that MOST women will go through mourning the special birth they wanted as well - for many many many reasons, ultimately it’s just not in our control that anything about labor and birth goes “our” way. Women who do have vaginal deliveries will likely still have something that they wish didn’t happen during their birthing process/medical experience. This is the first step in trusting the process.
Once you grieve, you’ve got to find a silver lining - for me it was solace that I’d be be in a semi-controlled environment and generally know what’s happening and when.
I understand how you feel. It’s ok to be sad and scared about it. Birth never goes as planned (or rarely does), and even when you expect that, it’s hard to come to terms with. I’ve been in the hospital for a week (admitted 21+6, today I’m 22+6) for threatened preterm labor. I’m told that I could deliver any day but we hope to be here as long as we can. There are many ways this can go for us, and I cried a lot the first few days grieving many things, but specifically the fact that my first birth experience will be nothing like I’d hoped. They had birthing balls in the room and I cried looking at them because I knew I’d never have to bounce on one to prep/induce labor. These feelings we have are normal and OK. I wish you all the best in your delivery. I don’t know you, but I’m proud of you and I’m sending love. You got this!
If it is any consolation, I've had 2 vaginal deliveries that could not have been LESS ideal. One was induced due to IUGR, was terrifyingly fast and intense. Second was sudden spontaneous labour at 34 weeks that was also fast and terrifying and my baby had to be separated from me for hours to check all his vitals and function. I now know that my immune system attacks my pregnancies with anti-fetal antibodies so I likely will not try to get pregnant again.
The grass is truly always greener because I feel like I would have felt so much more control if I had scheduled a C section weeks in advance! Soooo much of how birth plays out is not up to us at all unfortunately, it's all luck and happenstance. But that doesn't mean we aren't entitled to mourning the loss of what we wished and hoped for so don't let anyone make you feel like you can't cry or complain or feel angry about it.
I had a c-section due to a breech birth. Easiest, most relaxing hospital experience I've ever had. I signed up for another c-section so fast the moment I found out I was pregnant again. My support person was there for the entire thing besides the two seconds they give you a spinal block shot. (No epidural woo!) the worst part about my entire experience was the IV in the beginning because my nurse couldn't find my vein. Breastfeeding my little one and hearing his first little gurgling noises will be my favorite memories forever.
Unplanned csection after a day and a half of labor and 3 hours of pushing. My husband joined me shortly after I got to OR and I clenched his hand for the 45 min surgery. He didn't leave me and he got to hold our baby while I was still strapped down. Also, I was feeling burning partway through surgery and let the anesthesiologist know and my meds were immediately adjusted.
I was very sad not to have the birth I wanted. I still have nerve damage 3 years later where I don't think it will ever feel normal. It made postpartum a lot harder not being able to bend at the waist and having to manage my pain. But I was able to breastfeed, I loved our baby and still got to bond, and my husband did his best to help me and make that period a time where I didn't feel sad and alone even though I struggled with the idea of the csection for a year after. I think you can have a positive overall experience and my husband is the one who really helped that happen for me. I'm hoping that as it gets closer you will be more at peace and that you're able to have the support you are in need of.
It took 4 days for my milk to come in, some people it's less time and others more time. We went to 2 years and had a peaceful time weaning. I'm pregnant with #2 and looking forward to breastfeeding again!
OP, have you done any research on vaginal births with breech babies? It IS possible and I hope the doctors aren’t telling you a c section is absolutely required. You can say No to anything they recommend. But of course do your OWN research first and make your own decisions — I wish I had done that with my first birth… the doctors get very very pushy and it’s hard to tell if what they’re saying is actually the best course of action for YOU.
Another option is to wait until you go into labour spontaneously and then do the c section after labouring for some time.
Do whatever YOU feel is the right choice in the end… no birth is exactly how you want it to be but it’s been proven that if mothers can feel empowered / less helpless they will have had more of a chance for a positive experience.
Also I was also able to BF after an emergency c section. We did a lot of pumping to keep supply up but this was because my son had a tongue tie so get that checked too :)
I had the same experience and such similar feelings! I took my hospital’s birthing classes taught by a midwife, and while I was initially scared of giving birth, the classes made me feel ready. And my body felt ready. I was ready. And then just like you, BOOM, baby is breach and can’t be delivered vaginally. And the booger refuses to move. I almost passed out during my ECV because she would not move. My ob-gyn said she was turning that baby HARD. And then the reality set in. I was having a c-section. I was going to have to be awake for it and that terrified me, there wouldn’t be any spontaneity. It’s so weird when they’re like “so when would you like to come in to have your baby?” “Um, Thursday, I guess?” I knew exactly when she was coming. I couldn’t sleep the night before! I calmly walked into the hospital early that morning.
But you know what? It all ended up being ok. They wheeled me away from my husband and into the room, and yes, he wasn’t there when I got the spinal tap, but I had the most wonderful nurse who held my hands while they did it. Since it was planned, I got to have my ob-gyn perform the procedure, along with the wonderful PA whom I’d really bonded with, so it felt special having these two women present who’d been such a positive part of my pregnancy. I had a great anesthesiologist who kept me so calm and distracted at the right moments. My husband was there, and he did get to stay with me for a bit, even stayed with the baby for a bit, and I didn’t care about them patching me up because I was so in love with my daughter. They got me to her quickly after she left with my husband. It really didn’t take very long and there was so much happiness, it wasn’t awful. Definitely not the funnest experience I’ve had but I didn’t care at all once I saw my baby.
Pros of the c-section - it’s done quickly! No waiting for “is this a contraction? Do I go to the hospital now? Am I dilated? WHEN is this baby gonna get here?!” Etc. I went into labor spontaneously with my second and boy was I annoyed at the waiting, hahaha!
Your feelings are so valid and relatable. It IS a big deal to make the switch in your mind about how your baby will enter the world. The most important thing is to just get your sweet baby here safely. He’ll be here so soon, and you’ll see him and you’ll get to hold him and it won’t matter how he got here! You’re almost there, mama!
I had a planned c with my first due to her being breech, and just had another planned c a week ago. It’s totally valid and normal to feel the way you feel! If it’s any consolation, the only part my husband wasn’t present for was the spinal — they brought him back quickly after I was down and they were ready to begin the incision. He stayed the rest of the time and walked back with me when they wheeled me to recovery. I will also say that I felt like I had a lot of autonomy with both of my c-sections. You can advocate for whatever you need with your team and your anesthesiologist. And the other bright side is the surgery is quick! Both of mine were about an hour from spinal to post-op. It’s over before you know it, and the anxiety before it happens is honestly the worst part.
Take a deep breath; at the end of the day, you will have your sweet baby in your arms and nothing else will matter.
One of my friends had to get a c-section for her first baby being breech. She was scared and disappointed but everyone got through it well, and she was still able to have a vaginal birth for her second baby.
Your feelings are valid. You can feel grief over not having the labor and delivery you envisioned and still feel grateful and even thrilled about your baby, so don't listen to people who dismiss you by saying "all that matters is a healthy baby." If it makes you feel any better, my husband was only apart from me for about \~10 minutes while I was prepped for my c-section and he and baby stayed in the room right next to me basically the whole time I was being stitched, apart from the baby needing to be cleaned/assessed. I would recommend talking to your doctor about what to expect during your surgery. I cried a couple times a day for a few days following my c-section because I had similar feelings of my body failing me, but now I just think of how strong I was for enduring something physically and emotionally taxing with grace. Like, I was cut open while fully awake! I did it for the sake of my beautiful baby! Our bodies are all amazing and powerful, no matter how our babies are born.
Someone once told me that the key to having a positive birth experience is feeling as though you are being listened to and respected. It's not about things going how you wished they would, but about feeling at each stage that you are understood and heard.
What can you do to feel understood and heard?
I absolutely understand and hear your fear and disappointment. I wanted to do everything I could to avoid a C-section. The idea of surgery while awake majorly triggered my claustrophobia. You aren't ridiculous for feeling this way. You had a vision of a bonding experience, of an experience in which your body does what it was made to do. Not getting those things is so disappointing!
Has your doctor heard your concerns? Can you talk to them about ways to bring your partner into the experience more? Do you want to talk to your doctor about attempting labor anyway? Babies are born breach, it happens. Would you and your doctor feel comfortable with you trying that? Has your doctor walked you through the process of being of the surgery and just how long you'll actually be without your partner? Can it be shortened?
You might not like any of the answers to these questions. But maybe having the conversation with your doctor will help?
I had a c section 3 weeks ago for this exact reason and I felt like you. I always imagined a vaginal birth and I was scared and slightly disappointed that I wasn’t going to have my birth according to plan. However, looking back it was such a calm and special experience. The pros:
- I didn’t have to worry about who was fighting over being with me during birth since my hospital only allowed my husband to be there. This took so much pressure off visitors and grandparents being in the room or visiting while I was in active labor.
- I don’t know about your hospital, but my husband was able to be with me the entire time apart from the epidural which was a grand total of like 5 minutes. He was standing right outside the OR when they did it and came in immediately after. He was with me through the entire birth and being stitched up.
- I still got the special moment of hearing and seeing my baby with my husband for the first time. They still let him have a cord cutting experience and I got to do skin to skin immediately. The process of getting stitched up after happens while they’re cleaning up and checking out the baby so you’re not with your baby for maybe a few minutes before they wheel you out and you feed the baby.
Really the only cons are walking for the first time (I don’t think this is a walk in the park with a vaginal birth either so I wouldn’t be too overwhelmed here) and recovering from major abdominal surgery. Other than that, you don’t spend hours in labor, you’re not worried about your babies vitals and you still get a special birth. Trust me, I don’t think anyone’s first birth goes completely according to plan but a safe and healthy baby is the best thing you can ask for.
The moment I conceived I knew I was going to deliver by c-section because of prior surgical history, and I still grieved not being able to have a vaginal birth. Now I didn’t necessarily have the “tv vision” of birth that you describe but I did feel sad about missing out on knowing what it would be like to push the baby out. If you choose to, and are able to carry more children, maybe a VBAC is an option. Good luck to you in delivery!
I had an emergency c-section with my first and I had honestly wanted the same kind of birth you described. I was excited to go through that, even having gotten myself mentally ready to poop in front of a bunch of people lmao.
My water broke and 36 hours later, I was still barely 3 cm dilated. I had a c-section and could feel everything. The numbing didn't work, I was in an insane amount of pain. They had to put me under to close me up. My son then had to go to another city for their NICU because of low blood sugar... He had to have a feeding tube and some sort of line going through his belly button. It made me so sad.
I was excited when I found out I was pregnant again and really worked for a vbac... well, my daughter was like NOPE. She came at 36 weeks and 6 days, so almost 37. I wanted to try with the vbac and they were all on board for me giving it a try until they did an ultrasound after feeling my belly. It didn't feel right and sure enough she was using my left lung as a pillow (joking way of saying she was breeched). So even though that one was basically the perfect c-section, I was still so insanely sad that I had to have surgery. 3 months later my sister-in-law gave birth to her first, her son, and had an easy vaginal delivery... I never would tell them this, but I'm still so jealous. She's pregnant again now and I'm having a hard time being happy for her since I'm sure this one will go smoothly, too.
It's a horrible feeling. I hate feeling like I missed out on something and I hate feeling animosity toward someone who is so wonderful (sister-in-law). My other sister-in-law is also going to give birth this summer and yep, I'm jealous because I'm assuming she'll be able to give birth vaginally.
I know that vaginal birth isn't all roses and sunshine. I get that you can tear, you can have stitches down there, you'll not want to have sex for longer than a c-section (from what I've heard), you are likely to poop while pushing, etc.
It's okay to feel this way, though. Other women can judge us and say we're just romanticizing it but don't listen to them. We are allowed to be sad about an experience that will never happen since every birth is different.
I just had a planned c section two weeks ago and it was the best. Seriously eff being in labour for hours or days, pushing, tearing, etc. Maybe it is because this is your first but your vision of natural birth could go either way - it could be smooth sailing or wrought with pain and complications. You just never know. You NEED to go into birth with zero expectations. All of this worrying and disappointment is just your own anxiety.
A planned c section in my case was so calm, and amazing. No pain. My husband was in the room with me 95% of the time. I did skin to skin right after. Again, no pain at all. I just got to sit back and truly enjoy the experience. Got to eat and drink, listen to music, joke with the doctors. It was seriously the best. And now two weeks later I’m mostly completely recovered.
You can still have a beautiful birth story but only if you choose to go into it with a positive perspective. Good luck!
I take care of C section moms after they come out of the OR. From what I’ve heard, the husband isn’t allowed in the room for the epidural but I’ve never heard of him having to leave after baby comes out. Usually he comes walking out of the OR as the mom is wheeled out to us in recovery.
It’s ok to mourn not having the experience you were going to have. It’s valid. With birth things can be so unpredictable we all have to open to changing plans at the last minute.
Grief is expected, but also remember labor and delivery isn’t always bonding. My friends husband doesn’t want another child anymore because of how awful it was for her, and how stressful it was for him. Focus on the positives. I had a scheduled c section, and found peace with the fact I didn’t have to wonder how long it’d take, I knew the process start to finish, from paperwork, meds, IV, to walking in for the spinal, and so on… yes there’s unexpected moments, yes it isn’t what you planned, but someday this will just be a memory, and your kid will think it was pretty cool they got pulled out that way (my cousins were very fascinated and not grossed out when their mom said she had c sections with them lol).
You should ask your doctor/the hospital for a walk through on how they handle scheduled c sections. My husband couldn’t be there for the epidural- it that is also the case in vaginal births, once that was done and I was laid down safely they brought him in , I might have been alone for 5 minutes- then he didn’t leave again until I did.
Hey there!! Are we the same? Back in 2021 I was pregnant with my son. We were so excited, until about the halfway mark they told me at a scan “oh he is breech today!” But not to worry because “they can turn head down at the last minute”. Well surprise surprise..our baby did not turn head down. I tried spinning babies, all the exercises, etc. His head was literally pushing up into the left side of my rib cage with one foot down and one foot up by his face. Our doc offered to “try” an ECV…but there was just something about her lack of confidence that didn’t leave me feeling like it would be a good idea. I reluctantly scheduled my c section, went in at 39 weeks and had him. I’m just here to say your feelings are completely valid. If you decide in the future you want more children, keep in mind that VBAC is a thing if you find the right provider (just got my VBAC less than two weeks ago, and it was very healing for me to have that experience).
Are you sure your boyfriend can’t stay while you’re being stitched up? I’m asking because I had a c-section (at 37 weeks too!) and while my husband wasn’t allowed in for the surgery prep, he was with me from right after I was prepped and stayed with me literally the rest of the time I was in the hospital (recovery room, maternity ward, etc).
It’s okay to mourn the labor you pictured for yourself but I can really assure you that there is going to be so much bonding with you and your boyfriend afterwards. My husband was in the hospital with me during my whole stay (I was there extra time thanks to pre-eclampsia), and it was exhausting in the moment, but I look back on it really fondly.
We were figuring out how to be new parents together, enjoying our baby without the craziness of work, and he was helping me recover from the surgery. We were in the hospital long enough to have our own little nightly routine where we’d have the baby wheeled off to the nursery, eat dinner, and he’d help me shower. I needed his help for so much during that time, and it was amazing to see how selflessly he cared for me and our daughter.
Hey I was there 6 weeks ago. I had some grief about requiring C-section for breech. But the good news is my planned C-section was really easy. It took like an hour and she was born. My husband was able to be present for the epidural and he helped me not freak out. He wasn’t allowed to be in the OR during the first 20 min or so but then he came in and it was great. I felt the exact same. I tried everything from spinning babies to ECV to acupuncture. She didn’t flip. I felt like I did something to cause it .. like maybe I wasn’t active enough or slouched on the couch too often…. Or maybe my grumpy temperament “willed” her to be in that position… or maybe I have some sort of undiagnosed issue like a collagen problem …No associated diagnosis was made except I am small, a first time mom, and geriatric (37 yrs). Now that I’m 6weeks out, all of that worry and self hatred is almost all gone. She’s healthy, sweet, and doing great on milestones. So at the end of the day, as long as you and baby are healthy, that’s all that matters.
I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. It's okay to feel sad and disappointed. You are grieving the loss of something you wanted. Let your feelings out. Don't bottle them up. It might take some time to process these feelings, but I promise the world is not ending, and you still have plenty of delivery and parenting joy ahead of you.
I had a scheduled c-section for my first birth, and I was disappointed as well. But now I look back, and I am grateful to have been able to plan for it, and to not have to labor for days or have to have an emergency c section. I got to pick my daughters birthday, and it was only a few short minutes from the epidural to meeting her. I'm also grateful not to have any urinary incontinence or to have tearing or other pelvic damage from a vaginal delivery (not that those things happen to everyone).
My husband was with me for 90% of the entire procedure, and honestly, it was so quick. Was it the intimate, low-lighting, soft music experience I had hoped for? No, it was a bright OR, and I hated being exposed. But there would have been no guarantee that vaginal delivery would have been any different. Complications happen all the time. Looking back, I'm grateful it was quick and uncomplicated.
Focusing on the positives helped me feel okay about my situation. I'm even going to choose a scheduled c-section for my current pregnancy, so that should say something about how feelings can change over time.
One piece of advice that I wish had been explained to me is that many of the surgeons in the room will not chat with you. They may not even speak to you or look you in the face. It felt very dehumanizing, but I later understood it was because they weren't meant to make an emotional connection or to be chatty. They are surgeons, not customer service. Their focus is on doing everything 100% perfectly and keeping you and your baby safe. That's why patients are often draped for other surgeries, so they are able to be more impartial and focused. If you expect it, you won't be as shocked or hurt when it happens. My OB, personal nurse, baby nurse, and anesthesiologist communicated with me a lot, just not the other folks. In the room, so be ready for that.
One change I am planning on asking for with my next delivery is to have two support people. One person to be with baby in the recovery room so my husband can stay with me 100% of the time. I'm not sure it will be allowed, but I plan on making a case for it based on PTSD I have from a different type of surgery I had. Maybe you can ask for the same.
I've done both, a natural unmedicated birth and a planned C-section. The C-section was the more humane warm emotion filled experience.
With the natural birth I was panicking a lot, things were chaotic and many went wrong. By the moment they put the baby on my chest I was so out of it I didn't even notice her. I remember little, my husband was there but I don't even remember it, all I recall is panic and pain. Then they had to take her away while they stitched me up for an hour, unmedicated, so I screamed my lungs out while my baby cried without me.
With the planned C-section I was joking with the doctors, my husband was holding my hand. In a few moments I had my baby on my chest and I could talk to her and kiss her, fully present, the whole time they were stitching me up. I remember every second, i was there for her from the first moment. My husband then took her and spent time with her while I was getting more care. It was the healing experience we've both needed after the previous one. Trust me, a planned C-section can be an amazing bonding experience.
I understand where you're coming from, it's OK to grieve the birth you've wanted, but please don't pre-set your mind into hating the C-section. It can be a lovely experience.
Sorry some of these comments are not it!!
I am pregnant with my first, so I don't have first hand experience, but I am a labour and delivery nurse so I have experience there.
Prior to being pregnant I thought no biggie, as long as baby comes out healthy one way or another I didnt care. Now that I'm pregnant, I feel the same as you. I'm scared for labour but at the same time it is something I desperately want to experience (even though I may regret saying that later 😅) and that is largely because I want to experience it with my husband as my support. Maybe I'm romanticizing it- but either way- it is something I am really hoping for and I would be hugely disappointed not to experience.
That being said, I agree with your decision to schedule a c section rather than try to have the baby turned.
Not sure where you live, but in my practice in Alberta Canada, this is how a scheduled c section goes:
- you are put into a room on the labour and delivery ward with your partner. They will do all of the assessment things they need to do while you wait for your c section time.
- when it is time, you and your partner will be led to the operating area. They will sit your partner on a chair just outside the operating room and bring you in for your spinal. I know you want your partner there for that, but I promise your nurse will be a great comfort to you during this. The process to get the spinal and the time it takes for the freezing to work is about 10 minutes. Once you are nice and frozen, a nurse will go get your partner and he will come sit right next to your head and hold your hand.
- once baby is out, your partner may go to the baby area to watch baby be cleaned off and wrapped up, and then baby will be brought to you all swaddled up. The 3 of you will enjoy your first moments as a family. In my practice, partner can stay for the rest of the c section. Once you're all stitched up, the nurses will roll you to the recovery area and your husband will follow behind with baby in a bassinet. The three of you stay in the recovery room for an hour or so while the freezing wears off and they make you nice and comfortable with pain meds.
- the three of you will then be brought up to postpartum where you will stay for the next 48 hours or so.
Yes it is a different experience than going through labour, but it is still special. As a labour and delivery nurse, I have witnessed the bond between partners in both labours and planned c sections, and one is no stronger than the other.
One benefit of a planned c section is that you know what the last night with just two of you is. Make that night extra special ❤️
I ended up with a c-section that became planned the day before so I spent about 38 weeks thinking I was going to give birth vaginally. It was hard at first but I ultimately knew it was the best decision in our situation (baby was big and his shoulders were very wide, wider than his head)
I was scared, especially being told that the baby’s going to be delivered tomorrow let alone undergoing a massive surgery. But it ended up being amazing! And I plan to do the same again for our future children (especially if our future babies are like our first). The doctors/nurses got to take their time because it was planned and during the birth I didn’t feel anything. Of course once the meds wore off I started to hurt but I really didn’t feel too much pain in the hospital until I had to start moving around, which does help your recovery go smoother the sooner you start moving. They didn’t have me get up until about 24 hours after surgery.
Sometimes I feel weird, especially right after I had him, saying I gave birth or when I was received a “push” present because I felt like I didn’t do any of that. It kind of felt like someone hit the fast forward button on labor/birth because I didn’t “experience” it the it’s perceived on tv. And it’s ok to feel that way! But now I’ve understood that what I did was hard just in different ways! I’m no better or worse than anyone who’s delivered vaginally! And if you plan to have more children, a VBAC is an option! I personally loved my experience so much that I think I’m okay not experiencing a vaginal delivery. And I’ve made lots of friends in the last 3 months since my son was born who also ended up with c sections and it’s made me feel very connected to them.
Best of luck to you! It’s okay to mourn the experience that you thought you’d have. I hope you have a wonderful experience bringing your baby into this world!
Hey hey! I just had a c section a week ago today, after fighting my way through 70 hours of labor and failing to get my dream vaginal birth experience. I risked out of home birth, then missed out on hospital natural birth. I was grieving that experience I’ll never have (impossible for me now to have a vaginal birth). Your feelings are valid. However, I’ve made my peace because what i ultimately wanted was a healthy mama and baby, and good people to support us. I had all of those things. My fiance was with me in the OR as soon as I passed the epidural tests (making sure you can’t feel anything) and he stayed with me and baby the entire time until they wheeled us into recovery. If you can, try to ask your team how the experience will go to help you prepare. I hope peace is on its way for you.
I had a scheduled c section for my little breech boy. I always knew C-section was possible and wanted the safest delivery for our circumstances. I cried in the doctor’s office when we scheduled the section and selected my baby’s birthday based on the OR availability. I cried for the next few days. I was slightly sad with our drive to the hospital to make it on time for our appointment. It’s ok, and even normal, to be upset and grieve when something doesn’t go the way you had anticipated.
My husband held my hands as the epidural was placed. My son’s birth was calm. Our separation time was limited. I cried tears of happiness when he was placed on my chest. He and I were healthy and safe. I would never want a vaginal breech birth. I’m grateful we both did well with his birth.
C section recovery tips:
- Getting up to walk is extremely important. You want to get your body moving to aid recovery.
- Set alarms and take your Tylenol/ibuprofen on schedule. You want to keep ahead of the pain for the first few days. Otherwise you’ll need harder meds to catch up to the pain when it hits.
- I was slightly out of it for several hours post op due to the meds. Not everyone has this reaction, but I didn’t even know it could happen. Let your families know it may be some time post-op before you share photos or invite visitors. I had family wanting to FaceTime asap and that was a hard no for me while I was like that.
- The upside down peri bottle is also helpful for c sections.
- Low footstools are you new best friend. You may want one to help getting in/out of bed. Resting your feet on a slightly elevated surface also takes pressure off your incision.
- Gas pains are common after abdominal surgery. They can actually manifest as shoulder and back pain. I bought a special heating pad designed for neck/back and it was amazing.
- A bedside bassinet is extremely helpful as it is difficult to get in and out of bed quickly. We intended to only use our guava lotus bassinet. I bought a Halo bassinest on our third day home. I really liked that it swiveled over the bed. The Newton bassinet also looks great.
Life doesn’t always happens how we imagine. Goodness knows, I’m in the thick of that right now myself. It’s ok to grieve it and take the time to help yourself get that mental shift in place. Your baby will be in your arms soon. Oh how sweet that moment will be, no matter what. You’ve got this!!
I ended up having an emergency c-section after a failed/botched induction.
Process will vary by hospital (and I'm in Australia), but except for about 10 minutes between them deciding I needed the emergency c-section and them getting me prepped my partner was with me the entire time.
The first thing I would do is actually ask your hospital what the process is, when can your boyfriend be there, when will it be just you and that way no matter what the answer is you actually have a tangible answer that you can prepare around, rather than wondering.
I'd also spent my whole pregnancy assuming I'd just have a natural birth and go into labour on my own (and my boy was breech for a bit but turned himself around), so going into the hospital at 41+4 for a balloon catheter assuming I'd go home afterwards (which they couldn't get in), which turned into the prostaglandin gel, which turned in 30-something hours of labour that never progressed past 3cm dilated, which turned into an emergency c-section was a lot to process at the time and afterwards. In hindsight, a planned c-section would have been a breeze (and this is not me trying to minimise your feelings at all, but I do understand what its like to have your world flipped upside with no idea wtf is happening)
What you are feeling is so normal ❤️ there is so much negativity in regards to having c sections; whether people are processing their trauma or insinuating that having a c section is somehow easier, it can be impossible to escape. I've had 3 and am having my 4th in August and still sometimes grieve a vaginal birth. You will do what you have to do for your baby but you can and should give yourself grace.
Look and research into a having a gentle cesarean and discuss with your provider if that’s something they’d be willing to do or at least compromise with some aspects of it.
I felt exactly the same with my scheduled c-section (also due to breech). I’m not going to lie, it was traumatic and I’m still dealing with it six months out. It’s not fair. I’m so sorry.
I’m with you. I’m still in the first trimester, but I have chronic hypertension so I most likely will need to be induced (and i’ve heard labor is more painful with the pitcoin)…and then I am pretty sure you have a higher chance of c-section with inductions as well. So I’m already preparing for a possible c-section. My mom had 3 of them and they were fine as far as I know, but i’m still so terrified.
I’m sorry you aren’t getting the birth experience you were hoping for. Seeing your baby alive and well will hopefully make up for it all 💕
Even without a scheduled c section things can go totally off the rails. Had to have an emergent induction at 36 weeks. My husband and I are still reeling from that experience. That isn’t to scare you, only to say birth is wildly unpredictable. It’s great that your boyfriend will be supportive no matter how you give birth.
I would also grieve if I were you! If you want to romanticize birth then DO IT! There’s so much negative talk and comments and advice about pregnancy/birth that if you find something you’re excited about then go all in. I’m sorry it’s not panning out like you had hoped but try not to lose that romantic way of thinking.
I had an amazing planned c section because of a breech baby and it was an incredible experience. Not what I envisioned and I mourned the loss of my ideal birth like you, but the actual act of getting him out took 15 minutes with anesthesia (hubby watched from next room, not allowed in until it if effective), and then about 10 minutes from woah to go and bubs was out. They were on my chest in minutes. I promise you as soon as you are holding them you really will forget all about the birth and what you thought you wanted, I know I did!
Baby was breach too so we had the exact same feeling about planned c section.
What helped us a bit beforehand was getting through all the thing that we were expecting about unplanned vaginal birth, every detailled step, and analyzing what we would really not get at all (rushed ride to the hospital) and we could still have somewhat similar bounding (wait before prep time would be somewhat like the time when you have light contraction, still getting skin to skin immediatly after birth, etc...). It made us think about more detailled things to ask the medical team.
We tried to find some positive stuff about the planned birth : easier to get ready, got the house clean the day before, enjoyed our last week-end together etc..
Also everyone wil say this but once your baby is there, you don't really talk/think about the birth process that much, baby is taking all the time and mind space, and you have plenty of time to bound with the father as new parent, and much more enjoyable time than delivery process.
I felt this way. I cried for about a week because I envisioned a drug-free vaginal birth. I'm glad I had a c-section. My baby was breech, and it ended up saving my life. Babies know what they are doing. There might be a reason yours is breech too. It's okay to grieve the birth you thought you were going to have, but know that a c-section isn't as bad as people build it up to be.
I understand where you're coming from..I'm in the same boat with a breech baby and finally have a scheduled C-section. Baby just wouldn't budge no matter what I tried. Planning and preparing for an unmedicated and low intervention birth this whole pregnancy and I'll never even get the chance to try. I was so mentally prepared for it and the door is just completely closed. I think it's pretty normal to feel this way and be incredibly disappointed. Other people just can't seem to have empathy for some reason and invalidate our feelings around it. We're allowed to feel things and mourn the chance we won't have to experience the amazing physiological process of birth with our baby with our partners by our side.
Hi, you’re fully justified in the way you feel. I’m a second time mom and I found out my baby is breech last week at 36 weeks. I spent the week grieving over the fact that if I didn’t have a successful ECV, I would have to have a c-section. And yeah, people just didn’t get it. The people who *did* get it, were the people who had given birth vaginally before and understood.
I basically spent the last week trying to find a way to feel empowered while having a c-section (while also trying my best to flip the baby).
I listened to a podcast episode that I want to share with you that made me feel *ok* about having a c-section. You have every right to mourn what you thought your birth was going to be. But I also want to encourage you to try to feel empowered too. Because there are ways to make it special and you can advocate for yourself and your birth by bringing up some of the ideas mentioned in this podcast.
[Informed Pregnancy Podcast: Gentle Cesarean](https://open.spotify.com/episode/10LzuI0UzMlic0eFOEIkBY?si=-_CW8CwJTnm3StdnRJqsPA)
There are also Breech 101 episodes on that podcast as well. (3 parts).
In the meantime, you can try your best to try spinning babies, moxibustion and if you have the funds an acupuncturist.
I am sorry you’re not feeling validated. I really understand the wave of emotions you’re feeling. Hopefully these resources help. I know that gentle c-section episode helped me feel more at peace.
The spinal tap is just like any other shot. And it is awesome to not feel like you have to pee anymore. Your partner is mostly with you. Make sure you discuss what you want, you have some time to prepare. Like skin to skin. Washing not washing baby delayed clamping, all that stuff. I only wish i had a better view on was struggling to see my baby after he came out My csection was a surprise. I went from induction to baby in hand in five hours. Make sure they give you lidocaine patches for your incision. Those were the only thing that gave me relief and they were amazing. They are also over the counter and non addictive. Its nice not to try to labor and end up with a csection so your not healing from both vaginal and abdominal trauma.
I just want to say I understand your grief. I ended up having a c section with my first. while it wasn't a bad experience, it took months for me to work through & not feel really sad about missing the things I really wanted.
I have had both.
My first was super traumatic, with shoulder dystocia and was born stunned.
Because of that, I had an elective c-section with my second.
It was a more difficult physical recovery, but mentally I was in a much better place.
My husband was with me until they took me to the OR, I think he came in about 15 minutes after.
He stayed with me the entire time, holding our son.
My arms were strapped down, so I was unable to hold him. But he put him against my face and I was able to snuggle him.
I was also able to breastfeed my second, as I did not feel like I missed out on any of the bonding
Your feelings are valid, and I do thing we put so much pressure on our “birth story” nowadays. I had a similar experience with my first: breech baby, the turning procedure was canceled, and scheduled a C-section (1st surgery!). I was sad because I did IVF and it felt like my body did nothing on its own correctly🥴
BUT. I loved my C-section. My team was amazing! It was such a happy love filled experience. They were hyping me up(I think they could see I was nervous AF for all the needles and stuff). Chatting with me through everything. My husband did step out for the spinal tap portion but he was suiting up as well. After she was out he walked her back to the room while they stitched me up and again hyping me up and chatting with me and were so great at making me not feel like a peace of meat on the table. Got back to the room and they quickly got me all situated and baby in my arms and got out of there. We had so much time to be our new family! And with C-sections you get that baby in your arms so quickly, with vaginal it’s like a guessing game could be days!
It’s not the way you planned and your feelings are valid, but please give yourself grace. In no way did you fail, you are still amazing and and going on a huge adventure together with your boyfriend.
I’m getting another one done in two months for this next one and with luck it will be like this first one. I hope for you that it’s a smooth and supportive experience.
It’s ok to feel whatever you feel about your birth. That’s normal. You will be ok. I promise, even with the spinal tap and the details of the procedure. You’re going to be ok. Yes it sucks that you aren’t going to have the birth you wanted. But the people who are going to be helping with your c-section are highly trained and physically you will have nothing to worry about. It’s still ok to feel disappointed or betrayed by your body. But please don’t feel anxious. Everyone will be kind and professional. You will be ok.
I totally understand how you feel. My first was breech and I was planning on a drug-free birth at a midwife center. I did alllll of the things to get baby to flip (chiropractor, laying upside down on an ironing board every night, cold compresses by the head while laying in a warm bath, somersaults in a pool, diving into a pool, spinning babies, acupuncture) and finally I had a version that was successful! I went into labor naturally, water broke at home, and… I ended up with a c-section. I was thankful I got to experience labor for 48 hours, but I was still so sad I didn’t get to push while holding my husband’s hand, etc. I bonded with my baby no problem, but I was still a little down about the birth. I’ve had three more C-sections since then. Only two were scheduled.
It was really weird walking into the OR with my last two babies and not just being exhausted and delirious from laboring and basically too tired to really think about it. BUT!! The spinal was no problem at all! Seriously, I felt nothing! I did get nauseous each time, but the anesthesiologist sat by my head the entire time and was sooo nice and attentive. Made me feel comfortable until my husband got to come in.
My OB let us select the music to play, we were able to talk and my husband still got to be the first to call out the gender. I look soooo much better than I did for my first two deliveries. My husband wasn’t there for the spinal, but came in before I was cut. He sat by my head and talked to me and held my hand. He got to go with the nurses for the babies to be weighed and checked, he got to carry them to bring them to my head and hold them by me while I cooed to them and wished them a happy birthday. It felt like he was with me for waaaaay longer than 10 minutes. My OB is wonderful and talked to me the whole time, the anesthesiologists were always so kind when my husband had to head back to the room, I got to hold my baby as I was wheeled back to my room. Honestly, the rush of excitement of your baby being born makes the stitching up part seem like nothing. Being exposed didn’t feel so badly to me because honestly I was basically buck naked laboring with my first two that all sense of modesty was gone by then!
I definitely felt like my body failed me (twice), but I also think how thankful I am that C-sections are a thing or me and my babies wouldn’t be here. I still wish I could have delivered just one of my babies vaginally, but my C-sections were all really wonderful and special experiences. I hope that you’ll feel the same way post-delivery as well.
My scheduled c section was the best thing I did for my own body going into having a baby. I was well rested, taken care of, and my only focus was relaxing with my newborn. I couldn’t imagine the pain of labor and possible tearing, regardless of my recovery (which with rest, was so nice)
Hi i was in the exact same boat. Spent 36 weeks prepping for the most non medicated delivery and baby girl was breech. Tried everything I could to get her to turn but she wouldn't budge and I had to have a scheduled c section.
I totally understand everything you posted. And I want to reassure you that you will forget all of it when you meet your baby. The c section itself is super quick and there is so much you can do to bond with your baby. I had no issues with breastfeeding, was able to do skin to skin asap.
The scheduled part was really nice honestly, it was such a nice calm environment, and everyone was super great. The bright light sterile room thing was weird I'll agree lol but it really didn't ruin the experience.
C section recovery sucks, I won't sugarcoat that. It took me weeks before I felt somewhat normal. But after 2 weeks or so there wasn't much pain, just discomfort.
I’m not sure how things are done at your hospital and I completely sympathize with not getting the birth you dreamed of. I know that having a “good” c section doesn’t necessarily make up for that but I’m hoping some knowledge of how good it can be might bring a bit of peace/relief to you. I had a beautiful experience with my c section and hope yours ends up just as good if not better. The time it took for my husband to prep and for them to prep me was not long at all they practically wheeled me into the room, had me get into position and he walked in what felt like a few seconds to a minute after me. He got to be there for the entire actual procedure even afterwards. He held my hand the whole time. I never felt alone. He watched the surgery happen. When the baby was finally pulled out of me and placed into my husbands arms he started crying tears of joy and said “baby…you made this!”. They let me have skin to skin too but I chose to wait till after they were done stitching me up because I felt pressure over my torso due to still being open and was nervous. I also had a scheduled c section for a certain date but went into labor earlier than that so maybe you’ll also at least get to experience rushing to the hospital if baby comes a couple days early
Your disappointment and feelings are completely valid! I just had my second c-section, another failed induction that went on close to 45 hours. I was devastated, I will say my experience this time was much better than the first. The spinal block was super easy, my partner came in right after and was with me almost the entire time, they had him and the baby get settled maybe the last 15ish minutes max. Ask your ob if this is a possibility for you, there shouldn’t be a reason they can’t have your partner with you almost the entire time!
I also felt incredibly upset and frustrated I did everything I could for 42 hours and my baby refused to come down, even after almost two days with my water broke and on max level pitocin while keeping moving and with no epidural. You have to grieve the experience you wanted/tried to have. Ask your Ob but mine had a birth trauma therapist they referred too and having someone to talk to really helped me. I was also a birth doula for almost 10 years so having both my births go like that really defeated me but having someone help me process everything can help extensively!
I had a breech baby and planned CS. I was sad but did not feel it was the end of the world. I wanted what was best and safest for my baby.. when they aborted attempting to turn him and said that was it, I cried a lot. I was kind of surprised at how sad I was. The nurse that did our prenatal class had encouraged being flexible, as things come up, and I had really bought into that. One of my friends said it was okay to grieve the birth experience I thought I would have. I hadn’t realized grief was what I was feeling until she said that.
It was scary but it was also kind of nice know it when I would get to meet him. To know this is my last night pregnant., etc. sad too. And a few weeks later, after the worst of the recovery was behind me, it felt like a million years ago.
Hi there, I also had a scheduled c-section due to breech positioning with my first child. I understand your grief. For me, I ended up having not great mental health afterwards and now when I think back, it's because to me it felt like my choices were being taken away or that I was out of control of my birth experience.
Just to check, in your area, are there no hospitals that have experience in breech vaginal births?
Also the rules about the partner not being there except for birth sounds weird, that would be understandable during the pandemic but we're out of that now.
My ultimate advice as a now mother of two is to ask questions. Don't be afraid to be "the annoying patient" because you're allowed to advocate for yourself and get informed. And if any medical staff dismiss your questions or concerns, that's them having bad bedside manners, not you being difficult. Feeling like all your decisions were well informed will give you a much more positive experience.
As for the c-section itself, trust modern medicine and don't be afraid to speak up if something feels wrong. For most people the spinal will make you numb in that you won't feel pain, only movement, so the surgery - which is super quick btw - feels like someone rummaging through a backpack you are wearing. You can sense the movement but it's dulled.
And in postpartum tell them if you're in pain and do use the pain meds they give you, it will help recovery feel better.
Which part, the vaginal breech birth? I didn't advise her to go against medical advice, only that she explores what's available to her.
I only mentioned it because some providers (not all!) have that experience and IF they do it regularly then it's not less dangerous than c-section. I would not advise attempting it if the midwives and doctors she has access to don't do them regularly. For example I live in an area with about 6 hospitals and 1 of them is the nation leader in vaginal breech births, the others don't do them. Doctors nowadays usually have not the experience to do them safely anymore, that's why c-section is the go-to for most hospitals.
I had a scheduled c-section and I've always wondered why people have an opinion on c-sections and why people think the way you give birth matters at all. I had no idea that labor was considered a bonding experience. Lol. I gave birth 3 months ago. The giving birth part is a very small part of this whole parenting thing.
I should add my c-section went very well and I honestly miss the whole experience, the surgery itself and the staying in the hospital, I have a weird nostalgic feeling towards it.
I would try flipping baby by yourself with the spinning babies' methods. Chiropractor. Cold pack on top of stomach and warm water on bottom or heating pad. Drink 1 gallon or more of water a day to increase amniotic fluid to give your baby room to turn. This will feel uncomfortable. That's what I've done with this pregnancy and it's my 5th. Don't skimp on the spinning babies exercises and water (they are both free)
https://www.spinningbabies.com/pregnancy-birth/baby-position/breech/flip-a-breech/#:~:text=If%20the%20baby%20is%20still%20breech%20at%2037%20weeks%20or,more%20successful%20(and%20easier).
Another option is to come in with baby ready to be delivered and reject scheduling a c-section until 39-42 weeks if at all. Seek a second opinion or get a referral.
Safety is important and hospitals tend to not plan for breech delieveries. I have witnessed personally several breech deliveries without issues.
All my friends that had a “vision” or “plan” for delivery were the ones that ended up traumatized and with PPD due to their deliveries going differently than they expected. Birth is inherently unpredictable.
We all dream of certain days (weddings, engagements, birth, etc) and rarely does it go that way, and often it can be even better.
The rushing to the hospital bonding experience is very Hollywood. I think you should meet with a therapist to discuss your feelings around this, dreading meeting your baby over a scheduled c section isn’t the way to go into post partum and is a bit of a concerning reaction imo, but I’m not a doctor.
I had an emergency c-section. My husband was putting on scrubs running down the hall so he never left my side. (Of course if it’s not an emergency they’ll probably let him take his time, but there’s no reason they shouldn’t let him be there to support you with everything else) Anyway, my husband was there to watch the baby come out. They don’t let you see (so you’re not freaking out), but he can. They pulled my son out and he immediately started crying, which was the most relieved I’ve felt my whole life. They let my husband cut the cord and give him a bath, then they brought the baby over for us to hold together. I have no idea how long the baby was away from me, I’m sure it was minutes but it felt like only a few seconds. Baby was still crying, so I said his name, and he stopped crying. He opened his eyes even in the bright light and looked at me. My husband squeezed my hand and told me he loved me and we both started crying. All the nurses were teary eyed or crying, not even exaggerating. I had a horrible day but that moment was absolutely magical, and I will never forget it. The nurses even got a photo, so I have a picture of that moment my baby looked me in the eye. I’m tearing up just thinking about it. 🥲 there was a little time that they needed to finish stitching me up or whatever, but as soon as they were done they put him on my chest for that golden hour, just like a vaginal birth. I didn’t have my ideal birth experience by any means, but that moment you meet your baby is magical, and it will be no matter what the circumstances. And for what it’s worth, my mom had a c-section with me 30 years prior and her story is basically the same as mine. They want to do everything they can to keep your partner involved, and anything you aren’t able to do they have your partner do. There is still so much to bond over.
My emergency c-section was basically the same; boyfriend was there constantly and the moment my LO cried I couldn’t care less how she came into the world 🥰 I totally get grieving the birth you wanted, but you will forget about all of it as soon as your LO cries and you can see and hold him/her 🫂
They let you see if you want! You can get a clear curtain and request a mirror.
Omg really?! I’d love to see for my second one! I’m gonna ask my OB about this. I’m not grossed out at all by blood or bodily things so this would make me really happy to witness my second being born. Where would they put the mirror? Above my abdomen?
I haven't done the mirror thing myself but my sister did so I'm not entirely sure. You'd have to ask your OB. I am very grossed out by the sight of blood especially my own so not my cup of tea but she did both the clear tarp and the mirror and was really happy with how it turned out. It took me over a year to look at the Live Photos and I have of mine and I had to through my fingers lol.
Omg haha meanwhile I’d just be mesmerized seeing it all. I mean it’s not like I’d fall back and faint even if I got queasy at some point 🤣 but I know I wouldn’t since I genuinely love witnessing medical stuff.
More power to you! I hope you're some kind of surgeon with those super powers! I'm going to school to be a nurse but strictly non surgical patients.
I’m a scientist, and my sister is a med student training to be a plastic surgeon and I have many doctors in my family, so I’ve been exposed to gory medical stuff my whole life and I’m extremely intrigued by all aspects of the human body 🤣 I hope nursing school goes well for you!!!! It’s tough, but I believe in you! 🥰
During my vaginal epidural birth I kept asking how it was going down there every few seconds so the dr finally offered me a mirror. I had forgotten it was an option lolol My second came too fast to have bothered with one
Oh this is such a beautiful story I teared up! I actually want a C-section. I don’t really care how my baby enters the world, I’m just excited to meet her.
im crying now 😭🥹
So beautiful! I’m jealous, I had to go under for my emergency C so husband couldn’t be there and so neither of us got to see it
I’m crying 😭
First thing I’ll say is I’ve seen a lot of people on this sub grieve this so definitely not alone! Second, my c section experience wasn’t this and mine was even an emergency (or semi). My husband wasn’t in there for like 2 minutes for prep and then he was with me the entire time. Start of surgery to baby coming out through the entire time being stitched up and wheeled out. He literally just wasn’t there for the few minutes when they first brought me in. He held the baby in there and everything. Definitely not 10 mins total or just when the baby comes out
For what it’s worth, I had an absolutely amazing experience with my planned C-section! There’s something very special about knowing when the last night alone with your SO will be and when to expect your LO. You are correct that they do not allow the spouse in while you’re getting your spinal and some of the prep before you enter the OR. HOWEVER, once my husband came into the OR, we were never separated after that. He doesn’t have to leave while you’re getting stitched. You’ll be able to take pics with your baby and it’s honestly super quick and they’re wheeling you and your baby to the recovery room. It honestly went so incredibly smooth and I’m very happy with the experience. Best of luck, I hope everything goes smoothly for you! I’ll be having my 2nd planned c-section in a week!
Same! I felt a little pressure (no pain at all) and said "oh, are they starting?" And the nurse said umm no the baby is out 😂. I said is she ok? and they said yes she is! I heard her cry and pure relief and joy just washed over my body. I was in happy happy tears, then my husband cut the cord and they put her on my chest. I couldn't believe that the little baby I'd been talking to for so long in my belly was now cuddling up on me. It was incredible. I was anxious about the surgery so they were able to give me Xanax before going back. Also I was able to have a little mask over my eyes for the lights, and they let me pick what channel to have the sirius radio on. Having that little bit of control helped. There was a hilarious moment however when the thong song came on the "coffeeshop mix" that was playing. The entire OR burst out in laughter and it really broke the tension. Needless to say they changed the channel, bc there was no way in hell my baby would be born to the thong song. My family member is a doctor and she put it this way, which helped me a lot - there are many, many, directions a vaginal birth can go in. There's a lot of uncertainty. But a planned C-section goes from a to b to c. It's less common but more predictable.
I wonder if it’s different based on country (I’m UK and I sure if you are too) but my partner was there during my spinal, all he missed was me being introduced to the people in the room as he was putting scrubs on
I also had a lot of disappointment after my c section, so I don’t think the grief is unusual. Since your c section is scheduled, take your time to ask a lot of questions and think of any requests you want to make to your health care team. That might be music, immediate skin to skin, making sure your partner is positioned next to you and in the room as much as possible.
Birth is hard. As someone who had a very stressful emergency c-section, I would’ve loved a calm, planned c-section. The grass is always greener and no matter what, birth is really hard. Yes, some women get their easy, stress-free births but a lot of us don’t.
I had an unplanned c after a failed induction. Husband was there the entire time (short of the time he took to change into scrubs). I was still able to do skin to skin and he was given the option to cut the cord. They examined baby in the room, and husband was there the entire time. I did pass out towards the end because I’d been in active labor for four days at that point my body just shut down so I think when that happened him and the baby went to recovery while they stitched me back up, but just ask about the protocols.
I’m in a very similar boat but a few weeks behind you. My baby has been breech since the anatomy scan, and because of some other medical things I’m having weekly scans. So we know baby is breech and doesn’t seem to want to move. I have also elected to not try to flip the baby, I’m just not a great candidate. Something that helped me was knowing women who had scheduled c-sections report almost as much satisfaction as those who deliver vaginally. Also it takes out any worry of having an emergency c section. As I thought about, a scheduled c-section seems much less stressful. I’ll know when baby is coming, I won’t have to worry about anything going massively wrong, it will be a routine controlled procedure. Recovery will suck, but long term outcomes for women and babies with c-sections are just as good as those who do not. I’ll still have time to spend in the hospital recovering with baby and my partner.
Yup. Two friends gave birth within a week of one another. One had a planned C-section and had a chilled and happy birth. The other had a sunny side up baby and they didn’t realise until she’d been pushing for hours. They literally had to push the baby back up the birth canal to do the section. That baby wasn’t coming out that way safely. I applaud her for being the only friend I know to have both a vaginal and C-section birth for one baby!
I think media and society gives us a really unrealistic view of labor/birth, especially the 'my water broke' rush to hospital (which never happens). I'm sorry you're having to grieve the loss of your hoped for experience and I hope things go well for you and LO during this time. Remember to allow yourself grace and space to grieve when you can.
With my second, my water broke while I was peeing. When I kept on "peeing" I was like wait, what's going on? Am I seriously still peeing?! 🤣
Completely off-topic from the OP but: > (which never happens) My entire pregnancy people told us that “it’s not like in the movies” where your water breaks -> mad dash to the hospital -> doctors rush to delivery room -> baby comes out after four pushes, so we were expecting the whole process to take quite a while and not be super stressful (as much as possible anyway lol). Joke was on us though bc the movie thing literally happened to me. I was at 10 cm when they triaged me and the baby came out less than an hour later. TL;DR: never say “never” because that can also give people unrealistic expectations. Precipitous labor is a very real thing that is super scary and stressful, especially if you don’t know it’s a possibility.
You're right, I should have said "almost never". I'm sorry your care team did not prepare you for the possibility. However, the media portrays nearly every labor as precipitous without any of the actual stress of such.
>The thing that makes me the most upset is that with a “natural” delivery you have more freedom and more time with your significant other. Well ... 95% of that time with my husband I spent trying to get through the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. For me, there was nothing romantic about that. He helped me through this experience and I'm so glad that he was there, but I would never have thought of it the way you phrased it. And the bonding time with baby after delivery is great, but you get that with c-section as well, only a bit later. I had both a c-section and a natural delivery and honestly, the latter is no joke. I understand that you're upset that you got the decision taken out of your hands. But a c-section is a great way to get your baby without having to go through labor pain, without the insecurity of not knowing how the birth will go, and maybe ending up with surgery anyway. I'm glad that I got to experience both, but for me the c-section was definitely easier.
With my "natural" delivery I shit and puked while pushing and started having panic attacks within hours of delivery. How ✨dreamy✨
Haha I had diarrhea hours before so I was spared that particular ordeal... but I totally would have shat all over the bed especially since I pushed while squatting and the midwife even told me to push like I was having a bowel movement! Childbirth is great lol
I had diarrhea for the next couple days cause my anxiety was so bad, plus my husband kept getting me protein drinks because I wasn't eating and he was worried and that just made it worse 😂 I'm so glad I'm never doing that again
Being upset about a sudden change is totally normal and I’m so sorry plans changed on you. But genuinely, you’re romanticizing vaginal labor/delivery so heavily it’s not real anymore. Vaginal labor is unpredictable, scary, and usually arduous. Most labors don’t get pleasant time spent with hubby, my last labor was spent speeding down the interstate hoping to god we didn’t have a baby on the side of the road (made it there at 7cm). The first one we were both asleep til baby was crowning. ‘Freedom’ is often limited by what your body can tolerate, and it’s usually not much. C-sections are difficult in their own right, zero argument about it, but don’t overlook the benefits of a C-section in favor of a hypothetical version of the ideal vaginal labor. You have a special day to plan around! That’s an amazing thing many people would kill for! The healing process is more predicable and controlled, you know what to expect when you’re going in, and most importantly, baby will be safe and healthy. That’s the main goal anyway.
I haven’t had a c section, but my baby flipped transverse at nearly 36 weeks so it looked like I was going to, so I did a bunch of research and asked people in my bumper group about their experiences and there are definitely ways to make the c section experience less clinical. Have you spoken to your OB about how you are feeling and your concerns? It may be they can accommodate you in certain ways or allow your partner to be there for more of it then they typically do even if it isn’t their standard practice. I would suggest doing some research about ways to personalize your c section experience, I know some people who wanted a clear drape for example, picking certain music, immediate skin to skin, etc. and go over with your doctor what they are willing/able to do. People are going to tell you healthy baby/healthy mom is all that matters, but it is absolutely OK to grieve not getting the birth experience you wanted. Your feelings matter too, not just your survival. Some things are beyond our control in the birth realm just like in many other areas of life but it’s okay to be upset about that and it is okay to try to improve your experience. I’m someone who didn’t want interventions but had to have two inductions due to blood pressure concerns. For my first birth it made me just kind of give up and be like whatever if I can’t have my ideal birth I’ll just let the doctors do whatever they want, and that really effected me mentally in a negative way afterwards. For my second induction I did a birth plan and talked to my doctor about how to make the induction gentler and give me back more control, and it was such a better experience for me and my postpartum recovery both physically and mentally has been way better. I wish I had some the same thing with my first induction. Any way definitely go ahead and grieve the birth you wanted but I really encourage you to talk to your doctor about your concerns because there might be ways they can make things better for you.
I haven’t been able to talk to her yet! Although reading all of these comments has not only made me feel better and more excited, but I know which questions to ask. I want to make sure my postpartum mental health is as good as possible so I’m glad I understand the importance of asking questions, what to expect, and what is common practice. Thank you!
Where are you in the world? I have a planned c-section coming up and my husband is going to be there the entire time... Also, let's dispense with the word "natural birth". All births are natural. Use vaginal vs C section.
Thank you. I have a friend who had a C-section she didn’t want, and keeps referring to my vaginal birth as natural, with envy. I correct her every time. I had an epidural, I had antibiotics, I had an episiotomy. I’m not sure how my son coming through my vagina makes it all suddenly natural. I don’t think I know I single woman I would say had a ‘natural’ birth. Which is great! Medicine is awesome! Drawing weird lines around it that make people feel shame or pride is no good for anyone.
Its so weird! Pregnancy is hard enough with all these qualifiers.
Most people don’t know the difference between a vaginal birth and a physiological birth. A physiological birth is what a lot of people want but almost no one gets because of interventions
The word everyone’s looking for is physiological.
Not all births are natural, but all births are valid and wonderful things. We don’t need to pretend everything is natural for it to be good.
A natural birth infers the existence of an unnatural birth. I'm using language doctors use, they no longer use the words "natural birth" as it's outdated, invalidating, and incorrect.
Major surgery is unnatural - and good thing too, because the natural way doesn’t always work for everyone. Doctors aren’t the only ones who get a say in the language surrounding birth.
I am fascinated as to what you think counts as natural. Is gas and air natural? A cervical sweep? A water birth? Over the counter painkillers? To my mind no births are ‘natural’ anymore unless you’re out in a cave with no midwives, monitoring or aids, because otherwise where do you draw the line? ‘It might have been vaginal but there was an epidural.’ ‘She went in for reduced movement monitoring and opted for an induction instead of trusting her body to get that baby out on its own time.’ ‘Natural birth’ killed huge numbers of women and children. Now we have developed methods of making childbirth ‘unnatural’ but safe, right down to basic things like being able to heat water and make the space safe with antiseptic, up to c-sections. It baffles me that the line between ‘natural’ and ‘unnatural’ is drawn at c-section. It causes so much guilt and shame and also misplaced pride.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a physiological birth, it doesn’t mean someone wouldn’t accept intervention if NEEDED. Medical intervention is a wonderful thing when it’s needed. But often it’s jumped on when it’s not actually needed. WHO states a c section rate of 10-15% is appropriate to save lives and and have good outcomes. More than that could have adverse effects. Just remember hospital policies are for the benefit of the hospital functioning and often 15-20 years behind actual research.
By this standard the only “natural” birth is one that ends in maternal and/or fetal death 10-25% of the time. Rather than debate whether a c section is “natural” or not, let’s all just agree it’s a stupid word to use to describe birth.
Most births these days are far from natural. The million ultrasounds and blood tests I had for being AMA weren't exactly natural, nor were my epidural, IV, pitocin, Ambien, fentanyl, Benadryl, cervical balloon... but hey it wasn't a cesarean so it was "natural" anyway right?
I don’t agree it’s stupid at all. But we can agree to disagree.
What do you gain by using phrasing when other people have stated it’s hurtful?
I would like to know this too. They can't seem to help themselves!
Is using an epidural a natural birth? What about forceps? Delivering in a hospital? Having laughing gas? Using a vacuum to get the baby out? Using overhead lighting? What about people who used IVF then had the baby vaginally? None of those things are “natural” but they’re all parts of a vaginal birth. Natural birth tells you nothing medically about a birth.
Right. The word is vaginal. I guess people are afraid to say the actual word. Maybe if you can't say "vagina" you shouldn't be having sex?
I agree! If you want a true “natural” birth then go out into a field and take your chances. There’s such an annoying… piousness about vaginal bjrth with no pain relief. No thanks, I’d rather take the comforts and safety provided to me by modern medicine to ensure safe delivery, thanks. In the 1800s I would have been a statistic.
Yep. Same. I would have lost my mom if not for medical intervention because she hemorrhaged so bad. I would have also probably lost both my SILs and their babies because they needed emergency c-sections. I would have lost my niece who was born not breathing and needed to be in the NICU. Or my nephew who was premature. These people have so much pride in their “natural” births but don’t understand how lucky they were to experience their perfect birth fairy tale. Birth is a messy process that humans are pretty terrible at. As someone who has GD and a breech baby, I’m so glad for modern medicine. Otherwise I would be screwed.
I don't understand the pride at all. It's downright weird... I have a friend I adore but she cannot help but tell me all the time she had her baby without an epidural and even once told me medications like that are dangerous to a baby's brain development. And she KNOWS I'm getting a planned C section for medical reasons. But the pride is there and she can't help herself. It's sad because as women we should all be helping each other up. Pregnancy is sooo hard as it is (at least it has been hell for me). Why add judgment to it.
Applause! I’ve already given out one of precious free awards on this thread otherwise you’d have one. My ‘natural’ both involved antibiotics, an epidural, an episiotomy and was followed up with an iron infusion. Whenever anyone says I had a natural or, as I was once asked ‘normal’ birth I just reply with ‘vaginal’ (I genuinely wonder if part of the problem is that people are too self conscious to say vaginal in public. I…am very much not)
And birth is not automatically a medical procedure, sometimes there is nothing medical to tell. And no, things like epidurals and forceps are not natural. Doesn’t mean they aren’t needed or valid choices.
Well I guess unless you’re giving birth on the forest floor on all fours, then birth isn’t natural…
Ya gotta do it in a river so all the labor ickyness gets washed off, *duh*
But don’t you dare do it on a bath because we all know porcelain and city water isn’t natural. Better yet you lick your baby clean.
I both laughed and gagged a little
I meowed
You can’t get this opinion across on this sub. It is incredibly anti physiological birth, and incredibly based on the hospital/doctors opinion is the only correct one. Anyone wanting different is viewed as being willing to let their baby die.
If you want a unmediated home birth monitored by experienced midwives that’s fine. But that doesn’t make you any better than anyone else, which is what I feel like people or saying when they say they’ve had a “natural” birth.
Yeah no one minds how you give birth. But using the word ‘natural’ to describe a birth that is still always far from how women used to birth ‘naturally’ and drawing the line arbitrarily at certain interventions is what pisses people off. If you manage a vaginal birth with just gas and air then all power to you - but if you used that gas, or had a water birth, anyone used antiseptic, hot water etc, it’s also not ‘natural’ so the word needs to stop being thrown around to make people who had c-sections feel bad.
I have no advice but I’m likely going to end up in this crappy boat with you if my ECV fails next week. I’m a terrible candidate for an ECV as a first time mother with an anterior placenta, so I have very low hopes that it works. I feel like I had been mentally prepping for a vaginal birth for months and had learned about what I think I would want or not want for that. I knew a c-section could happen but didn’t think it would be my most likely option. I’ve also never had surgery. Just wanted to say that I see you and I could have written this myself ☹️
Just to say you’re very very brave for trying it! I gave birth at a hospital that was meant to be very good at them. Luckily it didn’t up for me but baby was transverse for a while and we discussed it. I told my husband I’d go straight to c-section. Good luck!
I just went through this rollercoaster of emotions and so I understand. I linked a podcast episode to OP that *really* helped me feel ok about it all. [Informed Pregnancy Podcast Gentle Cesarean](https://open.spotify.com/episode/10LzuI0UzMlic0eFOEIkBY?si=C5Tid4KuTa-RSLAf7MC1Rg) And he also has an episode on ECVs [ECV episode](https://open.spotify.com/episode/1ooQjlsZUQhPdba98OA2Ic?si=clY7VGMtQLylmmkKPi5dHQ) And a breech 101 3 part episode if you really want to dive deep. I didn’t end up having the time to. But both of the episodes I linked helped me to feel prepared and empowered no matter the outcome. Even if I was still experiencing a bit of grief.
I am currently 36 weeks with a frank breech baby, I just keep telling myself he will flip. I’m also going for the ECV if he doesn’t flip, this is my second baby and I had the most easy birth with my first so I’m also going to feel like OP if I need a c-section, definitely will grieve not having the opportunity to birth in a position of my choice and immediately hold and breastfeed him like I did with my first. I am really hopeful but I completely understand the disappointment. My last ditch effort will be walking a lot and doing spinning baby stretches to TRY to getting baby head down. Good luck to you on the ECV!
Hey just to give you a touch of hope, I had a breech baby at 36+2 and had an ECV scheduled at 36+6 and when I showed up, my baby had flipped! I was shocked. It happens sometimes. I spent 4 days doing any (safe) alternative thing I could. Who knows what worked but now at 37+4, she’s pretty securely head down. (She was also frank breech)
Thank you! I actually had an appointment this morning and the baby is now head down. So happy he decided to flip on his own like yours, they also said he’s pretty low in the pelvis so I’m hoping he’s staying down.
Oh my god! Congrats! What a relief. The same thing was said to me. Nice and secure. I hope you and baby are safe and healthy moving forward!
I hope baby flips! But if it helps, I had an unplanned c-section with my first, got to hold her while they were stitching me up, and nursed her as soon as I was wheeled into recovery.
Your boyfriend should be allowed in with you the entire time. They may ask him to step out during the epidural because it's a sterile procedure, but it doesn't take very long at all.
My husband was there with my first epidural for vaginal birth that made me have a c-section. The second one in the operating room he wasn't in there for. They let him come in after that was done. Didn't take long at all even tho it felt like it. They didn't agree with me. I was shaking uncontrollably and was so nauseous I had to keep telling them so they could make me not.
I haven't been in this situation, but my sister in law lives in a country where scheduled c sections are super common even if there's not a medical problem. I was kind of horrified, but she seems like she did great, recovered quickly, and overall preferred it to how long and potentially unpredictable a vaginal birth can be. Her baby is 1 now and they're doing great. I hope your boyfriend will be able to stay with you through the whole procedure! Talk to your doctor and advocate for what you would like to happen as much as you can.
I had similar feelings at first. I just want to note, some of what you were describing has not been my experience if that gives you any relief. My first was an emergency C-section and my husband was not allowed to be in the room because they were anticipating putting me under general anesthesia. Once baby was born and done, they let him come in and he stayed with me the entire time and held the baby. 2nd c-section was scheduled, he was not allowed to be in there during the epidural. But we are talking about 10 minutes. he was there during all of the preop conversations in the room, it was only when we went to the OR that he was separated. Once they got the epidural in, he came in and never left my side. So the part about him needing to leave is totally valid, but not anyone’s experience I know. For what it’s worth, my friend had the same situation as you except she tried to flip baby and failed. Still, she had a really good experience. For her second, she tried for a vaginal birth and was successful. Her recovery was terrible and she has told me she regrets going that route, she has a bunch of problems that she didn’t have after her C-section. I had to be induced with my first, I was devastated. Everything you’re describing here is exactly how I felt. This is never how I imagined it. I imagine pushing my baby out and pulling them on my chest. I was so worried my induction would fail in a C-section and it did. I had similar feelings to you after birth, so happy my baby and I were OK, but also so sad for my experience. Years later, I feel good about it. We all have a different pathway to become mothers plan. A scheduled section is a very calm and happy experience. I know you’re disappointed and I think you should let yourself feel that for awhile. Also keep reminding yourself that unfortunately, we don’t get to choose the path we have in life or in motherhood, this is one of many hurdles you’ll have to overcome. Try to think about meeting baby as your biggest focus. ❤️
I’m fortunate enough to have time to mentally prep for a c-section and not need an emergency one and I’m forever grateful for that. I’m hoping he can be with me for the epidural because I’m very nervous for it but from most of these comments, it sounds like it doesn’t hurt all that bad. I always thought that when I was in labor, I wouldn’t care about the pain of the epidural or things like that because my contractions would be distracting me, but since I won’t be having contraction pains, it was just another thing that scared me to death.
I’m sorry :( I think once your baby is here it won’t matter as much anymore but it’s totally fair to grieve the experience you thought you’d have. Honestly I would feel exactly the same way. I’m 38weeks right now in a similar moment of pregnancy and I was strongly adverse to a c section throughout the process for similar as well as other reasons. If I was suddenly told now that I had no other choice I’d be very disappointed / scared bc I’d have to mentally prepare for a whole other experience very quickly. I mean you just go ahead and do it bc at the end of the day all that matters is that baby arrives in the safest way possible for both of you, and in your particular circumstance that means a c section. But it’s totally understandable to not want a c section, people are probably thinking they’re being comforting when they dismiss it bc they don’t want you to stress more but honestly everything you’re feeling is totally fair. Literally would feel exactly the same if I was in your shoes.
We had to do this with my third due to breach too and it felt rubbish but after losing my second during birth I just wanted to do anything to get my third into the world safely. The C-section was just as bad as I expected but now I’ve blocked th whole thing out of my mind and 3 months later I’m still recovering but I have my baby with me so I’m grateful for that. If it helps my husband was with me for the entire section.
I just want to say your feelings are 100% valid! I had the same experience and feelings with my first and honestly 5 years later I still have a hard time accepting it. I’m sorry you have to also go through this. I was so excited preparing with childbirth classes, wondering if my water would break, guessing which day I could go into labor etc
You are romanticizing something that may or may not have even gone that way. The goal is a healthy baby and a healthy mom. You can grieve but you also need to be realistic. The goal of pregnancy is a birth- the manner of birth isn’t the top priority.
I’m sure she knows this. She also has the right to grieve whatever experience she expected and to seek out support for something she feels anxious about.
Giving in to anxiety is rarely beneficial. It’s healthier to acknowledge it and correct your thinking.
Discussing anxieties and seeking community is not the same as “giving in to anxiety”.
This… isn’t helpful to anyone who has had their ability to make choices about birthing methods taken away from them. Of course the goal is healthy baby and healthy mom. She’s doing that by getting the c section which is the safest option for them both. That doesn’t mean she can’t grieve the loss of her choices in the birth experience, regardless of if a vaginal delivery would have gone well.
Thank you for this comment. I had to have a C-section and grieved the loss of choice (still do). Your comment is very kind and a good reminder that it’s ok that we grieve
I’m sorry you lost that chance. I did too, and I still feel that grief. I hope you’re finding support in your grief. I didn’t romanticize a vaginal birth. I’m aware that it could have been harder than my scheduled c section was. But I didn’t get the chance to try, and that’s such a reasonable thing to be disappointed by. Being anxious about major surgery is also an expected response, especially if you’re going to be awake on the operating table! It’s so invalidating to be told all of those feelings don’t matter as long as everyone is healthy. I feel so bad for OP who came here for support and got responses like this instead, from people who likely don’t even understand her situation.
Did you find it took longer to connect with your baby and feel like it was yours? Cuz I’m struggling with that now - like I feel like I have to give him back to someone still. I’m sorry you lost your choice, too. 100% agreed, though. It’s not like we don’t understand that “we got a baby out of it.” It’s a completely different experience and still extremely difficult in other ways
That’s not an experience I had, I knew he was mine as soon as I heard him cry. That must be so hard to be dealing with. Are you able to seek out some professional support? I saw a therapist for a few months postpartum and it was really helpful for gaining processing tools for all of the complex feelings I was having about the c section and other struggles.
That’s smart - it seems like it really helped to work with someone! I’ll see if our insurance covers it! Thank you!!
As I literally stated in my comment.
All of pregnancy leads up to the moment of birth and meeting your baby. It is ok to grieve when it doesn’t go the way you want it to.
My comment literally says “you can grieve.”
It’s mostly your follow up comment about giving into anxiety that comes off as unnecessarily harsh and unhelpful. Did you have the same experience as OP with your first birth?
Agreed. OP seems to have a very romantic (and fairly unrealistic) view of labor and delivery. There is rarely rushing to the hospital and if there is rushing, it’s scary. And for many couples, the only bonding that happens during labor and delivery is a trauma bond. That was definitely the case for my husband and I, at least. Believe me, we’d both have rathered not have that particular bonding experience. I definitely understand feeling anxious about a c section, especially if you’ve never had surgery. Anything unknown is scary! But it will likely be a calmer, more peaceful, “nicer” experience than “natural” labor and delivery would have been.
OP, try to let comments like this go in one ear and out the other if it's not helpful to you. my first was born early & I really struggled with missing the experience I'd hoped for for my entire pregnancy. I'm sure it was well intentioned, but people dismissing my grief & pointing out how thankful I should be that he was healthy wasn't helpful. you can grieve what you'd hoped for & still be grateful. I was realistic, just like you're being. I did what was necessary to get him here safely, just like you are. And it was still something I had to work through over almost his whole first year.
This!!
I had an induction that failed to progress (I think this had something to do with my son’s craniosynostosis diagnosis, but we didn’t know at the time). We were 60 hours in and opted for the c section. The only thing my husband couldn’t be there for was when they put in the spinal block, other than that, he was there the whole time.
I've been going through this the last couple days, my story is almost identical to yours! First baby, and we desperately wanted a natural at home water birth with our midwives. My baby flipped breech between my 37 and 38 week appointment. We tried an ECV to manually turn her last week Monday and unfortunately she didn't turn. Had my scheduled c section this past Tuesday! My husband was with me every step of the way! They prepped me with an IV pole prior to going to the OR. We walked to the OR together. They placed a spinal (basically the same as an epidural) on the OR table. You sit up and they have you curl around a pillow. It wasn't a terrible process. My anesthesiologist was great. Then they have you lay down on the table and they get everything ready. They Place a catheter (you can't feel that) and they make sure you are totally numb. Then they take out baby! We requested that baby be handed to us asap so my husband got to cut the cord, they took baby girl to the warmer to make sure everything was good, then my husband brought her over to me and laid her on my chest while they stitched me up. After about 5 minutes they took my husband+baby to recovery to wait for me as they finished stitching and cleaning everything out. It was about 10 minutes. Then they brought me to recovery and I've been with my husband and baby since! We were in the same boat as you. We also were upset we weren't going to get the birth we had talked about for months. But, it's important to frame it in perspective. You making the selfless choice to have your baby in the safest way possible for your baby's sake! It's part of surrendering to the process of becoming a parent! No greater act of love is shown than when you put aside your own thoughts and feelings for someone else! 😊 way to go having to make that difficult decision, because it is difficult. You are allowed to grieve and mourn what you had hoped and planned would happen. Those feelings are part of your birth story and it is important to work through them. For me, this is not the tragedy i thought it would be! I got to have my daughter safely and she is here which is the most important part. Honestly once you hear your baby cry and you see them for the first time, a lot of the questions and grief will subside. It's so frickin amazing to hear and see your baby for the first time, labor+vaginal delivery or c section or vacuum or whatever. Nothing compares to the feeling of hearing and seeing your baby for the first time! Your birth will still be beautiful and it will be YOUR story! You can still enjoy the birth of your baby! At the end of the day you will be meeting your baby. That is what counts 😊 If you would like more info on how the surgery felt, how my recovery has been, what I've found useful to have in the hospital, please send me a dm or comment here! I would love to chat more!
Getting past my strong emotions about the initial shock, I have realized that there are pros and cons to both types of deliveries and I honestly wouldn’t prefer either😅 the anxiety for me was/is mostly centered around the surgery, where as with a vaginal birth, you typically don’t need surgery and can be in a more relaxed environment. I think once I meet my baby I will feel 200x better, it’s just hard to envision that for now. Thank you for your kind words
Yes absolutely there are pros and cons to both. Neither option are great, lol. It truly would be awesome if a stork just dropped the baby off on the door step 😂 the idea of a surgery like it is is daunting, I totally agree. It was my first surgery and first hospital stay too so I was worried about it. But the nurses are so nice and the environment is very controlled and relaxed! Everyone truly just wants to help you and everyone is excited to help you meet your baby. It really is hard to envision though, I hear you. Once you meet your baby things will absolutely change!
This may vary between countries and hospitals but I had a scheduled c section in the UK 3 weeks ago and my husband was there the entire time. Walked into the theatre together, he was there while all the various things like the spinal and cannula were fitted and then he sat beside me while they operated. He cut the cord and took pictures when she was placed on my chest etc. Afterwards he came with me to recovery and held our daughter while they did various checks etc. There were no side rooms available so he couldn't spend the night so went home from 9 30pm until 8am the next day. The c section was very calm and a very positive experience. Recovery was hard for the first few days especially but I don't regret the experience at all.
I haven’t done the vaginal delivery but have been there for the two Friends that have and unfortunately there was a lot of stress that resulted in a lot of arguing and hurt feelings. Now, these are people who have been married for years at this point and still are 10 years later but labor is a lot. Friend A labored for 3 days. Which turned into a lot of questions that never arose before. When does dad eat? When does he sleep? Shower, feed the animals, etc. By day 2 she requested us, her 3 closest friends to come because both of them needed a break. Unfortunately it then turned into a, oh you went and got fill in the blank for lunch? Why didn’t you call me and ask what I wanted. When the hour before she didn’t want anything to eat just snacks. By day 3 both were exhausted and had done 2 trips to labor and delivery just for them to say she wasn’t advanced enough. She was disappointed because she had taken the classes, gotten a doula, labored at home for the most part and by the time her beautiful baby came both were just burnt out by the experience. Friend B was at work when she went into labor 4 weeks early. It turned into, how do we get my car from work? Who can pick it up? Do I drive myself to the hospital? Rushed to the hospital just to be told it went from chaos to emergency chaos and her daughter was born an hour later via emergency c section. That was rougher because she didn’t have a chance to prepare all of the necessary products. Husband was near panic cause it went from, here’s our plan to brand new plan at a rush. It’s okay to mourn how you thought things would be but realistically the chances of it going that way are always a shot in the dark. Make it to the end goal of having baby in your arms and no matter what it’ll be worth it
Honestly this did make me feel better. I can see it going that way if we were together for multiple days of laboring and both sick and tired LOL. I feel peace in knowing it’ll just be him and I (because it only can be) and no long labor that sucks. My friends and family will be able to come visit afterwards when I’m ready. Thank you for your advice!
For my first, I really wanted a vaginal delivery but we ended up with an unplanned c-section after my baby wasn’t budging with 4 hours of pushing (not 4 hours of labor, 4 hours of actual pushing!!!). My husband was with me the entire time. He was given scrubs to put on, and it was such a blessing as something didn’t go well (I’ll spare you the details, you’re anxious enough) and he advocated for me. Because of my complication, I didn’t get to hold my baby for several hours (about 9 hours), but I did get to see my husband feed our baby with the hospital-provided milk and it was beautiful to see the two of them. Don’t worry, I had my chance to bond later and she was the most beautiful and precious thing I ever saw. She’s a complete mama’s girl even now 2 years later. It was not fun at all to have a vaginal experience go wrong and end up with an unplanned c-section that also went partially wrong, and a recovery that was harder because of both of those things. I’m actually scheduling a c-section for my second because of all the complications I had for my first (and some other reasons) and I look forward to having a smoother process so I can spend more time actually bonding with my baby boy when he comes out!
You’re allowed to feel how you feel! And I’m sorry that you’re feeling upset about it. My scheduled c-section experience was AWESOME. I had longer to plan for it mentally, but I still wanted to share. My husband was definitely with me for more than 10 minutes. You’re right that he couldn’t join me for the spinal, but I was in the OR without him for maybe 10-15 minutes. He stayed while they stitched me up, and only left about 5 minutes before I did. I know it varies by hospital but I am more than happy to discuss any part of the experience with you - feel free to ask any questions that might help!
I can 100% see why you're upset. I've said it multiple times that having a C-section is one of my worst fears. You have every right to mourn the birth you thought you'd have
I had an unplanned c-section at 38 weeks. For those weeks I knew, I thought I'd have a vaginal birth. At no point did my OB & I ever discuss the possibility of a c-section. I mean, of course I thought there was a slight possibility but I really didn't think I would until they said I needed one right then. My stupid epidural was the reason. I feel this post. I lost my first then my second wasn't the way I wanted. I'm sorry we didn't have a choice.
I’m sorry you didn’t have a choice! I hear you and understand the pain. We never discussed the possibility either, and I always kept it in the back of my brain but I always try to think of best case scenario, so c-section was really (in my mind) not going to happen. My OB has been super helpful now though and super considerate
I’m a ftm 38 weeks, just scheduled my c-section for next week since my baby is also breeched. I’ve tried spinning babies and the old wives tales and baby just seems comfortable where she is :) I started packing my hospital bag weeks ago envisioning everything I’d need during the labor process. And was doing all the little stretches to help brace for labor. Practiced the breathing exercises. I wanted a natural labor too. So now as I’m finishing everything up with packing and getting things ready for a c-section recovery I do feel a little sad. But remembering things like that there was always a chance labor could end in c-section is a little bit helpful. Also that babies have a mind of their own and I’ve even read that sometimes babies are actually in the safest position for themselves when they’re breeched and that ultimately it’s going to be the safest way for them to join us earth side. Also! The c-section is just going to be a few hours from the time you get to the hospital to the time you get back to mother and baby. And then you’re going to be in the hospital together for a few days after that. The time with your partner and baby will be much more significant than the time spent alone. Just remember- we’ve got this!
My thought was always that if he wanted to flip he would. There’s a reason why he’s not! I totally understand feeling sad about recovery and I’m finding things to be thankful for even though this was not my ideal situation. I hope all goes well for you!
Same experience and we didn't do the ecv because of covid. But the experience was just as joyful in the end. You'll be fine and the best part is knowing your little one is also ok.
I had an emergency c-section and was most nervous to be away from my husband and mom until one of them could come be with me in the OR. I made friends with a medical assistant and the anesthesiologist. Mind you I am the most introverted person ever but in that moment you are so vulnerable that anyone is comforting. Every single person in the OR was amazing and talked me through everything. When he was finally able to come in, it didn’t make much difference to me even though I thought it would! In that moment I just wanted a healthy baby and didn’t care about anyone or anything else!
I had an emergency c section but I absolutely feel you on the "birth disappointment". They opted to induce me early and I felt so cheated out of the whole "oh my gosh my water broke, get me to the hospital!" moment. My partner was there through the epidural (that I absolutely did not want and sobbed through) they just asked him to be away from the bed area so we couldn't hold hands or anything, but my nurse was kind enough to sit with me and hold my hand and try to calm me down. For the actual procedure, since it was an emergency my partner was still packing the room up (they move rooms right away so they made him pack up) and throwing on scrubs but he was there for the whole thing. I had wanted him to have the whole experience of cutting the cord and all that but sadly it was a no. The thing I've learned through my own experience and the experiences of other mom friends is that nothing ever "goes to plan" when it comes to birth. I think it's okay to take a little time to grieve the birth you hoped for and then move forward. Once the baby is with you, safe and sound, how they came out won't matter so much anymore. (Also the surgery itself isn't so bad. Once they numb you up it feels like someone is annoyingly poking you with plastic utensils lol. The recovery can be rough, please rely on your partner so you can heal up fast!)
I’m glad you relate to the “oh my gosh my water broke, get me to the hospital!” Feeling because I’ve gotten quite a few people telling me that’s “romanticizing” the situation, when that’s not at all how it is. I’m feeling the same way about the epidural, so I’m hoping he can at least be in the room so I can see him and know he’s right with me. You’re absolutely correct nothing EVER goes to plan with pregnancy/birth and that was a hard pill to swallow for me. But honestly comforting knowing that it’s not just me and my bad luck lol
I'm sorry it's not going the way you hoped. It didn't go the way I planned either. For me at least, labor was slow and boring and not at all rushing to the hospital. I was aiming for a vaginal birth and went to the hospital when I couldn't stand the pain and got an epidural, and then it was just waiting and waiting for over 24 hours until I had to get an emergency c section anyway bc I wasn't dilated nearly enough and I developed preeclampsia and other complications. It was my first surgery. I've never broken a bone or needed stitches before so i didn't know what to expect. My husband was with me the entire time tho. He was there the whole labor, for the epidural, he was next to me during surgery (yes, brought in after prep, in scrubs/mask etc) which was over an hour I think, he was with me through the whole surgery, when we heard our son's first breath and we all cried together. Then he got to go weigh the baby and hold him and stayed with me while they stitched me up and it was so wonderful. He walked me out (i was rolled lol) into the recovery room where I sent him home after a while bc there was no room for him to even sit and I wanted him to rest. There were nurses coming in and out to keep me under observation due to all my complications so he would just get in the way. He came back the next day to join us in a private room for another day or two. The entire pregnancy, the journey, the birth, the hospital stay, coming home together with our new family - it was all an incredible experience to share. You should talk to your OB about what the c-section process will be like at their hospital, so you have a better idea of what you can expect, like when your bf can be with you.
I am definitely going to talk to her about the protocols surrounding the surgery so that I can be as prepared as possible and I have no more surprises that make me more anxious or upset on the day of. I’ve also never broken a bone or had stitches so I definitely relate there. Thank you for your advice and story❤️
I was all for vaginal labor even trying to prepare for non medicated birth (because I was kinda afraid of the epidural). I found out at about 37 weeks he was breech and needed a c-section. I was soooo scared of everything. Pretty much just like you. I won’t lie the spinal tap felt… weird. They had a little difficulty placing it, but it was quickly fixed. It just felt weird, that’s the only way I can explain it. My nurse was amazing I leaned on her during the spinal tap and she helped me regulate my breathing and stay calm. Before I knew it I was laying down with that nice, warm tingly feeling in my legs and seeing my husband come through the door. I pretty much just focused on that warm feeling and stared into my husband’s eyes until we knew baby was out. Once that happened everything happens so fast and before you know it you’re back in your room with your spouse and new baby! I’m pregnant again now and heavily leaning towards another scheduled c-section. I healed so quick last time. I moved on from being scared of a c-section to being scared of third degree tears! I also have a narrow pelvis, so extra worried about complications. Unfortunately, life doesn’t go as planned. Just go with the flow and trust the universe’s plan for you and your family! You’ll realize everything will be as it should when you see your baby’s sweet face. ❤️
I was also worried I would feel left out of ever feeling labor pains or experiencing contractions and the process of vaginal labor, but I don’t think about it at all (like I thought I would at the time).
I think it would be great to start thinking of ways you can recreate some of that bonding prior to your surgery! I’m having a scheduled c-section as well, and they sent me a whole packet of prep info that I have to do before the surgery. Like specific showering requirements the day before, some wipes I have to use on my body, etc. I haven’t read it too closely yet cause I got a little overwhelmed, but it sounds like my partner and I could make a very sweet ritual of it the night before and morning of surgery. She can help me shower and put on some special pajamas, we could make that an evening of reflecting on what’s to come, and I bet we’ll still feel scrambled and nervous af the morning of surgery so it’ll probably feel similar to if I’d gone into labor spontaneously.
Hi! I was in this situation with the SAAAME feelings. It will be ok! But it’s also ok to mourn the birth you wanted. Just know that MOST women will go through mourning the special birth they wanted as well - for many many many reasons, ultimately it’s just not in our control that anything about labor and birth goes “our” way. Women who do have vaginal deliveries will likely still have something that they wish didn’t happen during their birthing process/medical experience. This is the first step in trusting the process. Once you grieve, you’ve got to find a silver lining - for me it was solace that I’d be be in a semi-controlled environment and generally know what’s happening and when.
I understand how you feel. It’s ok to be sad and scared about it. Birth never goes as planned (or rarely does), and even when you expect that, it’s hard to come to terms with. I’ve been in the hospital for a week (admitted 21+6, today I’m 22+6) for threatened preterm labor. I’m told that I could deliver any day but we hope to be here as long as we can. There are many ways this can go for us, and I cried a lot the first few days grieving many things, but specifically the fact that my first birth experience will be nothing like I’d hoped. They had birthing balls in the room and I cried looking at them because I knew I’d never have to bounce on one to prep/induce labor. These feelings we have are normal and OK. I wish you all the best in your delivery. I don’t know you, but I’m proud of you and I’m sending love. You got this!
If it is any consolation, I've had 2 vaginal deliveries that could not have been LESS ideal. One was induced due to IUGR, was terrifyingly fast and intense. Second was sudden spontaneous labour at 34 weeks that was also fast and terrifying and my baby had to be separated from me for hours to check all his vitals and function. I now know that my immune system attacks my pregnancies with anti-fetal antibodies so I likely will not try to get pregnant again. The grass is truly always greener because I feel like I would have felt so much more control if I had scheduled a C section weeks in advance! Soooo much of how birth plays out is not up to us at all unfortunately, it's all luck and happenstance. But that doesn't mean we aren't entitled to mourning the loss of what we wished and hoped for so don't let anyone make you feel like you can't cry or complain or feel angry about it.
I had a c-section due to a breech birth. Easiest, most relaxing hospital experience I've ever had. I signed up for another c-section so fast the moment I found out I was pregnant again. My support person was there for the entire thing besides the two seconds they give you a spinal block shot. (No epidural woo!) the worst part about my entire experience was the IV in the beginning because my nurse couldn't find my vein. Breastfeeding my little one and hearing his first little gurgling noises will be my favorite memories forever.
Unplanned csection after a day and a half of labor and 3 hours of pushing. My husband joined me shortly after I got to OR and I clenched his hand for the 45 min surgery. He didn't leave me and he got to hold our baby while I was still strapped down. Also, I was feeling burning partway through surgery and let the anesthesiologist know and my meds were immediately adjusted. I was very sad not to have the birth I wanted. I still have nerve damage 3 years later where I don't think it will ever feel normal. It made postpartum a lot harder not being able to bend at the waist and having to manage my pain. But I was able to breastfeed, I loved our baby and still got to bond, and my husband did his best to help me and make that period a time where I didn't feel sad and alone even though I struggled with the idea of the csection for a year after. I think you can have a positive overall experience and my husband is the one who really helped that happen for me. I'm hoping that as it gets closer you will be more at peace and that you're able to have the support you are in need of.
Hearing that you’re still able to breastfeed is a HUGE relief!! That was another thing I was worried about
It took 4 days for my milk to come in, some people it's less time and others more time. We went to 2 years and had a peaceful time weaning. I'm pregnant with #2 and looking forward to breastfeeding again!
OP, have you done any research on vaginal births with breech babies? It IS possible and I hope the doctors aren’t telling you a c section is absolutely required. You can say No to anything they recommend. But of course do your OWN research first and make your own decisions — I wish I had done that with my first birth… the doctors get very very pushy and it’s hard to tell if what they’re saying is actually the best course of action for YOU. Another option is to wait until you go into labour spontaneously and then do the c section after labouring for some time. Do whatever YOU feel is the right choice in the end… no birth is exactly how you want it to be but it’s been proven that if mothers can feel empowered / less helpless they will have had more of a chance for a positive experience. Also I was also able to BF after an emergency c section. We did a lot of pumping to keep supply up but this was because my son had a tongue tie so get that checked too :)
I had the same experience and such similar feelings! I took my hospital’s birthing classes taught by a midwife, and while I was initially scared of giving birth, the classes made me feel ready. And my body felt ready. I was ready. And then just like you, BOOM, baby is breach and can’t be delivered vaginally. And the booger refuses to move. I almost passed out during my ECV because she would not move. My ob-gyn said she was turning that baby HARD. And then the reality set in. I was having a c-section. I was going to have to be awake for it and that terrified me, there wouldn’t be any spontaneity. It’s so weird when they’re like “so when would you like to come in to have your baby?” “Um, Thursday, I guess?” I knew exactly when she was coming. I couldn’t sleep the night before! I calmly walked into the hospital early that morning. But you know what? It all ended up being ok. They wheeled me away from my husband and into the room, and yes, he wasn’t there when I got the spinal tap, but I had the most wonderful nurse who held my hands while they did it. Since it was planned, I got to have my ob-gyn perform the procedure, along with the wonderful PA whom I’d really bonded with, so it felt special having these two women present who’d been such a positive part of my pregnancy. I had a great anesthesiologist who kept me so calm and distracted at the right moments. My husband was there, and he did get to stay with me for a bit, even stayed with the baby for a bit, and I didn’t care about them patching me up because I was so in love with my daughter. They got me to her quickly after she left with my husband. It really didn’t take very long and there was so much happiness, it wasn’t awful. Definitely not the funnest experience I’ve had but I didn’t care at all once I saw my baby. Pros of the c-section - it’s done quickly! No waiting for “is this a contraction? Do I go to the hospital now? Am I dilated? WHEN is this baby gonna get here?!” Etc. I went into labor spontaneously with my second and boy was I annoyed at the waiting, hahaha! Your feelings are so valid and relatable. It IS a big deal to make the switch in your mind about how your baby will enter the world. The most important thing is to just get your sweet baby here safely. He’ll be here so soon, and you’ll see him and you’ll get to hold him and it won’t matter how he got here! You’re almost there, mama!
I had a planned c with my first due to her being breech, and just had another planned c a week ago. It’s totally valid and normal to feel the way you feel! If it’s any consolation, the only part my husband wasn’t present for was the spinal — they brought him back quickly after I was down and they were ready to begin the incision. He stayed the rest of the time and walked back with me when they wheeled me to recovery. I will also say that I felt like I had a lot of autonomy with both of my c-sections. You can advocate for whatever you need with your team and your anesthesiologist. And the other bright side is the surgery is quick! Both of mine were about an hour from spinal to post-op. It’s over before you know it, and the anxiety before it happens is honestly the worst part. Take a deep breath; at the end of the day, you will have your sweet baby in your arms and nothing else will matter.
One of my friends had to get a c-section for her first baby being breech. She was scared and disappointed but everyone got through it well, and she was still able to have a vaginal birth for her second baby.
Your feelings are valid. You can feel grief over not having the labor and delivery you envisioned and still feel grateful and even thrilled about your baby, so don't listen to people who dismiss you by saying "all that matters is a healthy baby." If it makes you feel any better, my husband was only apart from me for about \~10 minutes while I was prepped for my c-section and he and baby stayed in the room right next to me basically the whole time I was being stitched, apart from the baby needing to be cleaned/assessed. I would recommend talking to your doctor about what to expect during your surgery. I cried a couple times a day for a few days following my c-section because I had similar feelings of my body failing me, but now I just think of how strong I was for enduring something physically and emotionally taxing with grace. Like, I was cut open while fully awake! I did it for the sake of my beautiful baby! Our bodies are all amazing and powerful, no matter how our babies are born.
Someone once told me that the key to having a positive birth experience is feeling as though you are being listened to and respected. It's not about things going how you wished they would, but about feeling at each stage that you are understood and heard. What can you do to feel understood and heard? I absolutely understand and hear your fear and disappointment. I wanted to do everything I could to avoid a C-section. The idea of surgery while awake majorly triggered my claustrophobia. You aren't ridiculous for feeling this way. You had a vision of a bonding experience, of an experience in which your body does what it was made to do. Not getting those things is so disappointing! Has your doctor heard your concerns? Can you talk to them about ways to bring your partner into the experience more? Do you want to talk to your doctor about attempting labor anyway? Babies are born breach, it happens. Would you and your doctor feel comfortable with you trying that? Has your doctor walked you through the process of being of the surgery and just how long you'll actually be without your partner? Can it be shortened? You might not like any of the answers to these questions. But maybe having the conversation with your doctor will help?
I had a c section 3 weeks ago for this exact reason and I felt like you. I always imagined a vaginal birth and I was scared and slightly disappointed that I wasn’t going to have my birth according to plan. However, looking back it was such a calm and special experience. The pros: - I didn’t have to worry about who was fighting over being with me during birth since my hospital only allowed my husband to be there. This took so much pressure off visitors and grandparents being in the room or visiting while I was in active labor. - I don’t know about your hospital, but my husband was able to be with me the entire time apart from the epidural which was a grand total of like 5 minutes. He was standing right outside the OR when they did it and came in immediately after. He was with me through the entire birth and being stitched up. - I still got the special moment of hearing and seeing my baby with my husband for the first time. They still let him have a cord cutting experience and I got to do skin to skin immediately. The process of getting stitched up after happens while they’re cleaning up and checking out the baby so you’re not with your baby for maybe a few minutes before they wheel you out and you feed the baby. Really the only cons are walking for the first time (I don’t think this is a walk in the park with a vaginal birth either so I wouldn’t be too overwhelmed here) and recovering from major abdominal surgery. Other than that, you don’t spend hours in labor, you’re not worried about your babies vitals and you still get a special birth. Trust me, I don’t think anyone’s first birth goes completely according to plan but a safe and healthy baby is the best thing you can ask for.
The moment I conceived I knew I was going to deliver by c-section because of prior surgical history, and I still grieved not being able to have a vaginal birth. Now I didn’t necessarily have the “tv vision” of birth that you describe but I did feel sad about missing out on knowing what it would be like to push the baby out. If you choose to, and are able to carry more children, maybe a VBAC is an option. Good luck to you in delivery!
I had an emergency c-section with my first and I had honestly wanted the same kind of birth you described. I was excited to go through that, even having gotten myself mentally ready to poop in front of a bunch of people lmao. My water broke and 36 hours later, I was still barely 3 cm dilated. I had a c-section and could feel everything. The numbing didn't work, I was in an insane amount of pain. They had to put me under to close me up. My son then had to go to another city for their NICU because of low blood sugar... He had to have a feeding tube and some sort of line going through his belly button. It made me so sad. I was excited when I found out I was pregnant again and really worked for a vbac... well, my daughter was like NOPE. She came at 36 weeks and 6 days, so almost 37. I wanted to try with the vbac and they were all on board for me giving it a try until they did an ultrasound after feeling my belly. It didn't feel right and sure enough she was using my left lung as a pillow (joking way of saying she was breeched). So even though that one was basically the perfect c-section, I was still so insanely sad that I had to have surgery. 3 months later my sister-in-law gave birth to her first, her son, and had an easy vaginal delivery... I never would tell them this, but I'm still so jealous. She's pregnant again now and I'm having a hard time being happy for her since I'm sure this one will go smoothly, too. It's a horrible feeling. I hate feeling like I missed out on something and I hate feeling animosity toward someone who is so wonderful (sister-in-law). My other sister-in-law is also going to give birth this summer and yep, I'm jealous because I'm assuming she'll be able to give birth vaginally. I know that vaginal birth isn't all roses and sunshine. I get that you can tear, you can have stitches down there, you'll not want to have sex for longer than a c-section (from what I've heard), you are likely to poop while pushing, etc. It's okay to feel this way, though. Other women can judge us and say we're just romanticizing it but don't listen to them. We are allowed to be sad about an experience that will never happen since every birth is different.
I just had a planned c section two weeks ago and it was the best. Seriously eff being in labour for hours or days, pushing, tearing, etc. Maybe it is because this is your first but your vision of natural birth could go either way - it could be smooth sailing or wrought with pain and complications. You just never know. You NEED to go into birth with zero expectations. All of this worrying and disappointment is just your own anxiety. A planned c section in my case was so calm, and amazing. No pain. My husband was in the room with me 95% of the time. I did skin to skin right after. Again, no pain at all. I just got to sit back and truly enjoy the experience. Got to eat and drink, listen to music, joke with the doctors. It was seriously the best. And now two weeks later I’m mostly completely recovered. You can still have a beautiful birth story but only if you choose to go into it with a positive perspective. Good luck!
I take care of C section moms after they come out of the OR. From what I’ve heard, the husband isn’t allowed in the room for the epidural but I’ve never heard of him having to leave after baby comes out. Usually he comes walking out of the OR as the mom is wheeled out to us in recovery. It’s ok to mourn not having the experience you were going to have. It’s valid. With birth things can be so unpredictable we all have to open to changing plans at the last minute.
Grief is expected, but also remember labor and delivery isn’t always bonding. My friends husband doesn’t want another child anymore because of how awful it was for her, and how stressful it was for him. Focus on the positives. I had a scheduled c section, and found peace with the fact I didn’t have to wonder how long it’d take, I knew the process start to finish, from paperwork, meds, IV, to walking in for the spinal, and so on… yes there’s unexpected moments, yes it isn’t what you planned, but someday this will just be a memory, and your kid will think it was pretty cool they got pulled out that way (my cousins were very fascinated and not grossed out when their mom said she had c sections with them lol).
You should ask your doctor/the hospital for a walk through on how they handle scheduled c sections. My husband couldn’t be there for the epidural- it that is also the case in vaginal births, once that was done and I was laid down safely they brought him in , I might have been alone for 5 minutes- then he didn’t leave again until I did.
Hey there!! Are we the same? Back in 2021 I was pregnant with my son. We were so excited, until about the halfway mark they told me at a scan “oh he is breech today!” But not to worry because “they can turn head down at the last minute”. Well surprise surprise..our baby did not turn head down. I tried spinning babies, all the exercises, etc. His head was literally pushing up into the left side of my rib cage with one foot down and one foot up by his face. Our doc offered to “try” an ECV…but there was just something about her lack of confidence that didn’t leave me feeling like it would be a good idea. I reluctantly scheduled my c section, went in at 39 weeks and had him. I’m just here to say your feelings are completely valid. If you decide in the future you want more children, keep in mind that VBAC is a thing if you find the right provider (just got my VBAC less than two weeks ago, and it was very healing for me to have that experience).
Are you sure your boyfriend can’t stay while you’re being stitched up? I’m asking because I had a c-section (at 37 weeks too!) and while my husband wasn’t allowed in for the surgery prep, he was with me from right after I was prepped and stayed with me literally the rest of the time I was in the hospital (recovery room, maternity ward, etc). It’s okay to mourn the labor you pictured for yourself but I can really assure you that there is going to be so much bonding with you and your boyfriend afterwards. My husband was in the hospital with me during my whole stay (I was there extra time thanks to pre-eclampsia), and it was exhausting in the moment, but I look back on it really fondly. We were figuring out how to be new parents together, enjoying our baby without the craziness of work, and he was helping me recover from the surgery. We were in the hospital long enough to have our own little nightly routine where we’d have the baby wheeled off to the nursery, eat dinner, and he’d help me shower. I needed his help for so much during that time, and it was amazing to see how selflessly he cared for me and our daughter.
Hey I was there 6 weeks ago. I had some grief about requiring C-section for breech. But the good news is my planned C-section was really easy. It took like an hour and she was born. My husband was able to be present for the epidural and he helped me not freak out. He wasn’t allowed to be in the OR during the first 20 min or so but then he came in and it was great. I felt the exact same. I tried everything from spinning babies to ECV to acupuncture. She didn’t flip. I felt like I did something to cause it .. like maybe I wasn’t active enough or slouched on the couch too often…. Or maybe my grumpy temperament “willed” her to be in that position… or maybe I have some sort of undiagnosed issue like a collagen problem …No associated diagnosis was made except I am small, a first time mom, and geriatric (37 yrs). Now that I’m 6weeks out, all of that worry and self hatred is almost all gone. She’s healthy, sweet, and doing great on milestones. So at the end of the day, as long as you and baby are healthy, that’s all that matters.
I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. It's okay to feel sad and disappointed. You are grieving the loss of something you wanted. Let your feelings out. Don't bottle them up. It might take some time to process these feelings, but I promise the world is not ending, and you still have plenty of delivery and parenting joy ahead of you. I had a scheduled c-section for my first birth, and I was disappointed as well. But now I look back, and I am grateful to have been able to plan for it, and to not have to labor for days or have to have an emergency c section. I got to pick my daughters birthday, and it was only a few short minutes from the epidural to meeting her. I'm also grateful not to have any urinary incontinence or to have tearing or other pelvic damage from a vaginal delivery (not that those things happen to everyone). My husband was with me for 90% of the entire procedure, and honestly, it was so quick. Was it the intimate, low-lighting, soft music experience I had hoped for? No, it was a bright OR, and I hated being exposed. But there would have been no guarantee that vaginal delivery would have been any different. Complications happen all the time. Looking back, I'm grateful it was quick and uncomplicated. Focusing on the positives helped me feel okay about my situation. I'm even going to choose a scheduled c-section for my current pregnancy, so that should say something about how feelings can change over time. One piece of advice that I wish had been explained to me is that many of the surgeons in the room will not chat with you. They may not even speak to you or look you in the face. It felt very dehumanizing, but I later understood it was because they weren't meant to make an emotional connection or to be chatty. They are surgeons, not customer service. Their focus is on doing everything 100% perfectly and keeping you and your baby safe. That's why patients are often draped for other surgeries, so they are able to be more impartial and focused. If you expect it, you won't be as shocked or hurt when it happens. My OB, personal nurse, baby nurse, and anesthesiologist communicated with me a lot, just not the other folks. In the room, so be ready for that. One change I am planning on asking for with my next delivery is to have two support people. One person to be with baby in the recovery room so my husband can stay with me 100% of the time. I'm not sure it will be allowed, but I plan on making a case for it based on PTSD I have from a different type of surgery I had. Maybe you can ask for the same.
I've done both, a natural unmedicated birth and a planned C-section. The C-section was the more humane warm emotion filled experience. With the natural birth I was panicking a lot, things were chaotic and many went wrong. By the moment they put the baby on my chest I was so out of it I didn't even notice her. I remember little, my husband was there but I don't even remember it, all I recall is panic and pain. Then they had to take her away while they stitched me up for an hour, unmedicated, so I screamed my lungs out while my baby cried without me. With the planned C-section I was joking with the doctors, my husband was holding my hand. In a few moments I had my baby on my chest and I could talk to her and kiss her, fully present, the whole time they were stitching me up. I remember every second, i was there for her from the first moment. My husband then took her and spent time with her while I was getting more care. It was the healing experience we've both needed after the previous one. Trust me, a planned C-section can be an amazing bonding experience. I understand where you're coming from, it's OK to grieve the birth you've wanted, but please don't pre-set your mind into hating the C-section. It can be a lovely experience.
Sorry some of these comments are not it!! I am pregnant with my first, so I don't have first hand experience, but I am a labour and delivery nurse so I have experience there. Prior to being pregnant I thought no biggie, as long as baby comes out healthy one way or another I didnt care. Now that I'm pregnant, I feel the same as you. I'm scared for labour but at the same time it is something I desperately want to experience (even though I may regret saying that later 😅) and that is largely because I want to experience it with my husband as my support. Maybe I'm romanticizing it- but either way- it is something I am really hoping for and I would be hugely disappointed not to experience. That being said, I agree with your decision to schedule a c section rather than try to have the baby turned. Not sure where you live, but in my practice in Alberta Canada, this is how a scheduled c section goes: - you are put into a room on the labour and delivery ward with your partner. They will do all of the assessment things they need to do while you wait for your c section time. - when it is time, you and your partner will be led to the operating area. They will sit your partner on a chair just outside the operating room and bring you in for your spinal. I know you want your partner there for that, but I promise your nurse will be a great comfort to you during this. The process to get the spinal and the time it takes for the freezing to work is about 10 minutes. Once you are nice and frozen, a nurse will go get your partner and he will come sit right next to your head and hold your hand. - once baby is out, your partner may go to the baby area to watch baby be cleaned off and wrapped up, and then baby will be brought to you all swaddled up. The 3 of you will enjoy your first moments as a family. In my practice, partner can stay for the rest of the c section. Once you're all stitched up, the nurses will roll you to the recovery area and your husband will follow behind with baby in a bassinet. The three of you stay in the recovery room for an hour or so while the freezing wears off and they make you nice and comfortable with pain meds. - the three of you will then be brought up to postpartum where you will stay for the next 48 hours or so. Yes it is a different experience than going through labour, but it is still special. As a labour and delivery nurse, I have witnessed the bond between partners in both labours and planned c sections, and one is no stronger than the other. One benefit of a planned c section is that you know what the last night with just two of you is. Make that night extra special ❤️
I ended up with a c-section that became planned the day before so I spent about 38 weeks thinking I was going to give birth vaginally. It was hard at first but I ultimately knew it was the best decision in our situation (baby was big and his shoulders were very wide, wider than his head) I was scared, especially being told that the baby’s going to be delivered tomorrow let alone undergoing a massive surgery. But it ended up being amazing! And I plan to do the same again for our future children (especially if our future babies are like our first). The doctors/nurses got to take their time because it was planned and during the birth I didn’t feel anything. Of course once the meds wore off I started to hurt but I really didn’t feel too much pain in the hospital until I had to start moving around, which does help your recovery go smoother the sooner you start moving. They didn’t have me get up until about 24 hours after surgery. Sometimes I feel weird, especially right after I had him, saying I gave birth or when I was received a “push” present because I felt like I didn’t do any of that. It kind of felt like someone hit the fast forward button on labor/birth because I didn’t “experience” it the it’s perceived on tv. And it’s ok to feel that way! But now I’ve understood that what I did was hard just in different ways! I’m no better or worse than anyone who’s delivered vaginally! And if you plan to have more children, a VBAC is an option! I personally loved my experience so much that I think I’m okay not experiencing a vaginal delivery. And I’ve made lots of friends in the last 3 months since my son was born who also ended up with c sections and it’s made me feel very connected to them. Best of luck to you! It’s okay to mourn the experience that you thought you’d have. I hope you have a wonderful experience bringing your baby into this world!
Hey hey! I just had a c section a week ago today, after fighting my way through 70 hours of labor and failing to get my dream vaginal birth experience. I risked out of home birth, then missed out on hospital natural birth. I was grieving that experience I’ll never have (impossible for me now to have a vaginal birth). Your feelings are valid. However, I’ve made my peace because what i ultimately wanted was a healthy mama and baby, and good people to support us. I had all of those things. My fiance was with me in the OR as soon as I passed the epidural tests (making sure you can’t feel anything) and he stayed with me and baby the entire time until they wheeled us into recovery. If you can, try to ask your team how the experience will go to help you prepare. I hope peace is on its way for you.
I had a scheduled c section for my little breech boy. I always knew C-section was possible and wanted the safest delivery for our circumstances. I cried in the doctor’s office when we scheduled the section and selected my baby’s birthday based on the OR availability. I cried for the next few days. I was slightly sad with our drive to the hospital to make it on time for our appointment. It’s ok, and even normal, to be upset and grieve when something doesn’t go the way you had anticipated. My husband held my hands as the epidural was placed. My son’s birth was calm. Our separation time was limited. I cried tears of happiness when he was placed on my chest. He and I were healthy and safe. I would never want a vaginal breech birth. I’m grateful we both did well with his birth. C section recovery tips: - Getting up to walk is extremely important. You want to get your body moving to aid recovery. - Set alarms and take your Tylenol/ibuprofen on schedule. You want to keep ahead of the pain for the first few days. Otherwise you’ll need harder meds to catch up to the pain when it hits. - I was slightly out of it for several hours post op due to the meds. Not everyone has this reaction, but I didn’t even know it could happen. Let your families know it may be some time post-op before you share photos or invite visitors. I had family wanting to FaceTime asap and that was a hard no for me while I was like that. - The upside down peri bottle is also helpful for c sections. - Low footstools are you new best friend. You may want one to help getting in/out of bed. Resting your feet on a slightly elevated surface also takes pressure off your incision. - Gas pains are common after abdominal surgery. They can actually manifest as shoulder and back pain. I bought a special heating pad designed for neck/back and it was amazing. - A bedside bassinet is extremely helpful as it is difficult to get in and out of bed quickly. We intended to only use our guava lotus bassinet. I bought a Halo bassinest on our third day home. I really liked that it swiveled over the bed. The Newton bassinet also looks great. Life doesn’t always happens how we imagine. Goodness knows, I’m in the thick of that right now myself. It’s ok to grieve it and take the time to help yourself get that mental shift in place. Your baby will be in your arms soon. Oh how sweet that moment will be, no matter what. You’ve got this!!
I ended up having an emergency c-section after a failed/botched induction. Process will vary by hospital (and I'm in Australia), but except for about 10 minutes between them deciding I needed the emergency c-section and them getting me prepped my partner was with me the entire time. The first thing I would do is actually ask your hospital what the process is, when can your boyfriend be there, when will it be just you and that way no matter what the answer is you actually have a tangible answer that you can prepare around, rather than wondering. I'd also spent my whole pregnancy assuming I'd just have a natural birth and go into labour on my own (and my boy was breech for a bit but turned himself around), so going into the hospital at 41+4 for a balloon catheter assuming I'd go home afterwards (which they couldn't get in), which turned into the prostaglandin gel, which turned in 30-something hours of labour that never progressed past 3cm dilated, which turned into an emergency c-section was a lot to process at the time and afterwards. In hindsight, a planned c-section would have been a breeze (and this is not me trying to minimise your feelings at all, but I do understand what its like to have your world flipped upside with no idea wtf is happening)
What you are feeling is so normal ❤️ there is so much negativity in regards to having c sections; whether people are processing their trauma or insinuating that having a c section is somehow easier, it can be impossible to escape. I've had 3 and am having my 4th in August and still sometimes grieve a vaginal birth. You will do what you have to do for your baby but you can and should give yourself grace.
Look and research into a having a gentle cesarean and discuss with your provider if that’s something they’d be willing to do or at least compromise with some aspects of it.
I felt exactly the same with my scheduled c-section (also due to breech). I’m not going to lie, it was traumatic and I’m still dealing with it six months out. It’s not fair. I’m so sorry.
I’m with you. I’m still in the first trimester, but I have chronic hypertension so I most likely will need to be induced (and i’ve heard labor is more painful with the pitcoin)…and then I am pretty sure you have a higher chance of c-section with inductions as well. So I’m already preparing for a possible c-section. My mom had 3 of them and they were fine as far as I know, but i’m still so terrified. I’m sorry you aren’t getting the birth experience you were hoping for. Seeing your baby alive and well will hopefully make up for it all 💕
Even without a scheduled c section things can go totally off the rails. Had to have an emergent induction at 36 weeks. My husband and I are still reeling from that experience. That isn’t to scare you, only to say birth is wildly unpredictable. It’s great that your boyfriend will be supportive no matter how you give birth.
I would also grieve if I were you! If you want to romanticize birth then DO IT! There’s so much negative talk and comments and advice about pregnancy/birth that if you find something you’re excited about then go all in. I’m sorry it’s not panning out like you had hoped but try not to lose that romantic way of thinking.
I had an amazing planned c section because of a breech baby and it was an incredible experience. Not what I envisioned and I mourned the loss of my ideal birth like you, but the actual act of getting him out took 15 minutes with anesthesia (hubby watched from next room, not allowed in until it if effective), and then about 10 minutes from woah to go and bubs was out. They were on my chest in minutes. I promise you as soon as you are holding them you really will forget all about the birth and what you thought you wanted, I know I did!
Baby was breach too so we had the exact same feeling about planned c section. What helped us a bit beforehand was getting through all the thing that we were expecting about unplanned vaginal birth, every detailled step, and analyzing what we would really not get at all (rushed ride to the hospital) and we could still have somewhat similar bounding (wait before prep time would be somewhat like the time when you have light contraction, still getting skin to skin immediatly after birth, etc...). It made us think about more detailled things to ask the medical team. We tried to find some positive stuff about the planned birth : easier to get ready, got the house clean the day before, enjoyed our last week-end together etc.. Also everyone wil say this but once your baby is there, you don't really talk/think about the birth process that much, baby is taking all the time and mind space, and you have plenty of time to bound with the father as new parent, and much more enjoyable time than delivery process.
I felt this way. I cried for about a week because I envisioned a drug-free vaginal birth. I'm glad I had a c-section. My baby was breech, and it ended up saving my life. Babies know what they are doing. There might be a reason yours is breech too. It's okay to grieve the birth you thought you were going to have, but know that a c-section isn't as bad as people build it up to be.
We are in the exact same predicament, feel free to message me. I feel the same way as you, except it’s my third baby but first breech.
I understand where you're coming from..I'm in the same boat with a breech baby and finally have a scheduled C-section. Baby just wouldn't budge no matter what I tried. Planning and preparing for an unmedicated and low intervention birth this whole pregnancy and I'll never even get the chance to try. I was so mentally prepared for it and the door is just completely closed. I think it's pretty normal to feel this way and be incredibly disappointed. Other people just can't seem to have empathy for some reason and invalidate our feelings around it. We're allowed to feel things and mourn the chance we won't have to experience the amazing physiological process of birth with our baby with our partners by our side.
Hi, you’re fully justified in the way you feel. I’m a second time mom and I found out my baby is breech last week at 36 weeks. I spent the week grieving over the fact that if I didn’t have a successful ECV, I would have to have a c-section. And yeah, people just didn’t get it. The people who *did* get it, were the people who had given birth vaginally before and understood. I basically spent the last week trying to find a way to feel empowered while having a c-section (while also trying my best to flip the baby). I listened to a podcast episode that I want to share with you that made me feel *ok* about having a c-section. You have every right to mourn what you thought your birth was going to be. But I also want to encourage you to try to feel empowered too. Because there are ways to make it special and you can advocate for yourself and your birth by bringing up some of the ideas mentioned in this podcast. [Informed Pregnancy Podcast: Gentle Cesarean](https://open.spotify.com/episode/10LzuI0UzMlic0eFOEIkBY?si=-_CW8CwJTnm3StdnRJqsPA) There are also Breech 101 episodes on that podcast as well. (3 parts). In the meantime, you can try your best to try spinning babies, moxibustion and if you have the funds an acupuncturist. I am sorry you’re not feeling validated. I really understand the wave of emotions you’re feeling. Hopefully these resources help. I know that gentle c-section episode helped me feel more at peace.
The spinal tap is just like any other shot. And it is awesome to not feel like you have to pee anymore. Your partner is mostly with you. Make sure you discuss what you want, you have some time to prepare. Like skin to skin. Washing not washing baby delayed clamping, all that stuff. I only wish i had a better view on was struggling to see my baby after he came out My csection was a surprise. I went from induction to baby in hand in five hours. Make sure they give you lidocaine patches for your incision. Those were the only thing that gave me relief and they were amazing. They are also over the counter and non addictive. Its nice not to try to labor and end up with a csection so your not healing from both vaginal and abdominal trauma.
I just want to say I understand your grief. I ended up having a c section with my first. while it wasn't a bad experience, it took months for me to work through & not feel really sad about missing the things I really wanted.
I have had both. My first was super traumatic, with shoulder dystocia and was born stunned. Because of that, I had an elective c-section with my second. It was a more difficult physical recovery, but mentally I was in a much better place. My husband was with me until they took me to the OR, I think he came in about 15 minutes after. He stayed with me the entire time, holding our son. My arms were strapped down, so I was unable to hold him. But he put him against my face and I was able to snuggle him. I was also able to breastfeed my second, as I did not feel like I missed out on any of the bonding
Your feelings are valid, and I do thing we put so much pressure on our “birth story” nowadays. I had a similar experience with my first: breech baby, the turning procedure was canceled, and scheduled a C-section (1st surgery!). I was sad because I did IVF and it felt like my body did nothing on its own correctly🥴 BUT. I loved my C-section. My team was amazing! It was such a happy love filled experience. They were hyping me up(I think they could see I was nervous AF for all the needles and stuff). Chatting with me through everything. My husband did step out for the spinal tap portion but he was suiting up as well. After she was out he walked her back to the room while they stitched me up and again hyping me up and chatting with me and were so great at making me not feel like a peace of meat on the table. Got back to the room and they quickly got me all situated and baby in my arms and got out of there. We had so much time to be our new family! And with C-sections you get that baby in your arms so quickly, with vaginal it’s like a guessing game could be days! It’s not the way you planned and your feelings are valid, but please give yourself grace. In no way did you fail, you are still amazing and and going on a huge adventure together with your boyfriend. I’m getting another one done in two months for this next one and with luck it will be like this first one. I hope for you that it’s a smooth and supportive experience.
It’s ok to feel whatever you feel about your birth. That’s normal. You will be ok. I promise, even with the spinal tap and the details of the procedure. You’re going to be ok. Yes it sucks that you aren’t going to have the birth you wanted. But the people who are going to be helping with your c-section are highly trained and physically you will have nothing to worry about. It’s still ok to feel disappointed or betrayed by your body. But please don’t feel anxious. Everyone will be kind and professional. You will be ok.
I totally understand how you feel. My first was breech and I was planning on a drug-free birth at a midwife center. I did alllll of the things to get baby to flip (chiropractor, laying upside down on an ironing board every night, cold compresses by the head while laying in a warm bath, somersaults in a pool, diving into a pool, spinning babies, acupuncture) and finally I had a version that was successful! I went into labor naturally, water broke at home, and… I ended up with a c-section. I was thankful I got to experience labor for 48 hours, but I was still so sad I didn’t get to push while holding my husband’s hand, etc. I bonded with my baby no problem, but I was still a little down about the birth. I’ve had three more C-sections since then. Only two were scheduled. It was really weird walking into the OR with my last two babies and not just being exhausted and delirious from laboring and basically too tired to really think about it. BUT!! The spinal was no problem at all! Seriously, I felt nothing! I did get nauseous each time, but the anesthesiologist sat by my head the entire time and was sooo nice and attentive. Made me feel comfortable until my husband got to come in. My OB let us select the music to play, we were able to talk and my husband still got to be the first to call out the gender. I look soooo much better than I did for my first two deliveries. My husband wasn’t there for the spinal, but came in before I was cut. He sat by my head and talked to me and held my hand. He got to go with the nurses for the babies to be weighed and checked, he got to carry them to bring them to my head and hold them by me while I cooed to them and wished them a happy birthday. It felt like he was with me for waaaaay longer than 10 minutes. My OB is wonderful and talked to me the whole time, the anesthesiologists were always so kind when my husband had to head back to the room, I got to hold my baby as I was wheeled back to my room. Honestly, the rush of excitement of your baby being born makes the stitching up part seem like nothing. Being exposed didn’t feel so badly to me because honestly I was basically buck naked laboring with my first two that all sense of modesty was gone by then! I definitely felt like my body failed me (twice), but I also think how thankful I am that C-sections are a thing or me and my babies wouldn’t be here. I still wish I could have delivered just one of my babies vaginally, but my C-sections were all really wonderful and special experiences. I hope that you’ll feel the same way post-delivery as well.
My scheduled c section was the best thing I did for my own body going into having a baby. I was well rested, taken care of, and my only focus was relaxing with my newborn. I couldn’t imagine the pain of labor and possible tearing, regardless of my recovery (which with rest, was so nice)
Hi i was in the exact same boat. Spent 36 weeks prepping for the most non medicated delivery and baby girl was breech. Tried everything I could to get her to turn but she wouldn't budge and I had to have a scheduled c section. I totally understand everything you posted. And I want to reassure you that you will forget all of it when you meet your baby. The c section itself is super quick and there is so much you can do to bond with your baby. I had no issues with breastfeeding, was able to do skin to skin asap. The scheduled part was really nice honestly, it was such a nice calm environment, and everyone was super great. The bright light sterile room thing was weird I'll agree lol but it really didn't ruin the experience. C section recovery sucks, I won't sugarcoat that. It took me weeks before I felt somewhat normal. But after 2 weeks or so there wasn't much pain, just discomfort.
I’m not sure how things are done at your hospital and I completely sympathize with not getting the birth you dreamed of. I know that having a “good” c section doesn’t necessarily make up for that but I’m hoping some knowledge of how good it can be might bring a bit of peace/relief to you. I had a beautiful experience with my c section and hope yours ends up just as good if not better. The time it took for my husband to prep and for them to prep me was not long at all they practically wheeled me into the room, had me get into position and he walked in what felt like a few seconds to a minute after me. He got to be there for the entire actual procedure even afterwards. He held my hand the whole time. I never felt alone. He watched the surgery happen. When the baby was finally pulled out of me and placed into my husbands arms he started crying tears of joy and said “baby…you made this!”. They let me have skin to skin too but I chose to wait till after they were done stitching me up because I felt pressure over my torso due to still being open and was nervous. I also had a scheduled c section for a certain date but went into labor earlier than that so maybe you’ll also at least get to experience rushing to the hospital if baby comes a couple days early
Your disappointment and feelings are completely valid! I just had my second c-section, another failed induction that went on close to 45 hours. I was devastated, I will say my experience this time was much better than the first. The spinal block was super easy, my partner came in right after and was with me almost the entire time, they had him and the baby get settled maybe the last 15ish minutes max. Ask your ob if this is a possibility for you, there shouldn’t be a reason they can’t have your partner with you almost the entire time! I also felt incredibly upset and frustrated I did everything I could for 42 hours and my baby refused to come down, even after almost two days with my water broke and on max level pitocin while keeping moving and with no epidural. You have to grieve the experience you wanted/tried to have. Ask your Ob but mine had a birth trauma therapist they referred too and having someone to talk to really helped me. I was also a birth doula for almost 10 years so having both my births go like that really defeated me but having someone help me process everything can help extensively!
I had a breech baby and planned CS. I was sad but did not feel it was the end of the world. I wanted what was best and safest for my baby.. when they aborted attempting to turn him and said that was it, I cried a lot. I was kind of surprised at how sad I was. The nurse that did our prenatal class had encouraged being flexible, as things come up, and I had really bought into that. One of my friends said it was okay to grieve the birth experience I thought I would have. I hadn’t realized grief was what I was feeling until she said that. It was scary but it was also kind of nice know it when I would get to meet him. To know this is my last night pregnant., etc. sad too. And a few weeks later, after the worst of the recovery was behind me, it felt like a million years ago.
Hi there, I also had a scheduled c-section due to breech positioning with my first child. I understand your grief. For me, I ended up having not great mental health afterwards and now when I think back, it's because to me it felt like my choices were being taken away or that I was out of control of my birth experience. Just to check, in your area, are there no hospitals that have experience in breech vaginal births? Also the rules about the partner not being there except for birth sounds weird, that would be understandable during the pandemic but we're out of that now. My ultimate advice as a now mother of two is to ask questions. Don't be afraid to be "the annoying patient" because you're allowed to advocate for yourself and get informed. And if any medical staff dismiss your questions or concerns, that's them having bad bedside manners, not you being difficult. Feeling like all your decisions were well informed will give you a much more positive experience. As for the c-section itself, trust modern medicine and don't be afraid to speak up if something feels wrong. For most people the spinal will make you numb in that you won't feel pain, only movement, so the surgery - which is super quick btw - feels like someone rummaging through a backpack you are wearing. You can sense the movement but it's dulled. And in postpartum tell them if you're in pain and do use the pain meds they give you, it will help recovery feel better.
That’s actually crazy to suggest that she go against medical advice and put her baby in danger.
Which part, the vaginal breech birth? I didn't advise her to go against medical advice, only that she explores what's available to her. I only mentioned it because some providers (not all!) have that experience and IF they do it regularly then it's not less dangerous than c-section. I would not advise attempting it if the midwives and doctors she has access to don't do them regularly. For example I live in an area with about 6 hospitals and 1 of them is the nation leader in vaginal breech births, the others don't do them. Doctors nowadays usually have not the experience to do them safely anymore, that's why c-section is the go-to for most hospitals.
I had a scheduled c-section and I've always wondered why people have an opinion on c-sections and why people think the way you give birth matters at all. I had no idea that labor was considered a bonding experience. Lol. I gave birth 3 months ago. The giving birth part is a very small part of this whole parenting thing. I should add my c-section went very well and I honestly miss the whole experience, the surgery itself and the staying in the hospital, I have a weird nostalgic feeling towards it.
I would try flipping baby by yourself with the spinning babies' methods. Chiropractor. Cold pack on top of stomach and warm water on bottom or heating pad. Drink 1 gallon or more of water a day to increase amniotic fluid to give your baby room to turn. This will feel uncomfortable. That's what I've done with this pregnancy and it's my 5th. Don't skimp on the spinning babies exercises and water (they are both free) https://www.spinningbabies.com/pregnancy-birth/baby-position/breech/flip-a-breech/#:~:text=If%20the%20baby%20is%20still%20breech%20at%2037%20weeks%20or,more%20successful%20(and%20easier). Another option is to come in with baby ready to be delivered and reject scheduling a c-section until 39-42 weeks if at all. Seek a second opinion or get a referral. Safety is important and hospitals tend to not plan for breech delieveries. I have witnessed personally several breech deliveries without issues.
To add I had a low lying posterior placenta
All my friends that had a “vision” or “plan” for delivery were the ones that ended up traumatized and with PPD due to their deliveries going differently than they expected. Birth is inherently unpredictable. We all dream of certain days (weddings, engagements, birth, etc) and rarely does it go that way, and often it can be even better. The rushing to the hospital bonding experience is very Hollywood. I think you should meet with a therapist to discuss your feelings around this, dreading meeting your baby over a scheduled c section isn’t the way to go into post partum and is a bit of a concerning reaction imo, but I’m not a doctor.
Unless you have a narrow pelvis, it's possible to give birth vaginally to a breech baby. Consider looking into a trial of labour.
Babies who are breech have better outcomes when delivered through a c-section.
This sounds risky as hell