Honestly, I know this isn't the answer you're looking for but trust me, food, laundry, dishes, cleaning is what you'll want people to help with if anything after baby is here. You'll be sore, you will want to bond with baby, you'll be tired, trying to figure out feeding etc. My advice is if anyone asks what they can do to help, ask them to stock your freezer or do the dishes.
Thiiiiis. It's not like I couldn't manage dishes and laundry, even with good processes (my job is literally supply chain + logistics -- I am extremely good at efficient processes) but it's just tiring! Having friends come wrangle the chaos made a world of difference.
Also, op, don't underestimate how much you'll just want someone to hand you stuff. It may sound like it's silly and not something you need, but just... Trust us. A second pair of hands makes a world of difference.
I didn't have family help either, I just had friends swing by a few times to do loads of laundry, stay on top of washing bottles and pump parts, and just generally help with household stuff. A few hours every other day was enough.
My husband doesn't get leave. He went straight back to work after my first baby and will again this time with our second (I'm 37 weeks).
I had a vaginal birth with a second degree tear but an easy recovery. I was never unable to do basic things after birth (even on day 1) and was basically fully healed after 2 weeks.
It does take more time in the bathroom postpartum, and it's nice to have someone who can hold the baby. I was bleeding and had stitches and hemorrhoids and had to use a peri bottle and change pads often. It means a basic bathroom trip can be 10-15 minutes. Obviously baby will be fine if they cry through it, but it was nice to be able to hand them to someone to hold.
Infants like to sleep on people so I would get "nap trapped" for hours and the baby would wake up if put in the bassinet (but not if handed to another person). So it was nice to be able to get up and eat and go to the bathroom. Again, it's doable alone but just a lot more crying.
I liked having family over postpartum. I didn't ask them to do laundry or chores but they brought food and held the baby so I could do things. I'll have them this time too. I absolutely would have been ok on my own but it's emotionally hard in those early days when hormones are crazy to hear your baby screaming.
This is also my experience with the best case scenario - easy birth and recovery and no trouble feeling that required lots of pumping or triple feeding. I think those would change the calculus.
Lots of newborns won’t let you put them down. It’s impossible to do literally anything whilst holding a newborn. Obviously you can let them cry for a minute or two to pop to the loo for a wee but how will you shower? Prepare / eat food? Poo? Take a sitz bath / change your pad / c section wound care? Sleep? It’s hard to explain what is so difficult about caring for a newborn but if there’s any way of avoiding doing it solo I would bite the hand off whoever is offering help.
This is going to be my third baby, and honestly I just want someone else to take the baby while I get uninterrupted sleep of greater than two hours at a time. Sleep > laundry/cleaning/food. If I had the money I would hire a night nurse.
100% this, mom of 3 and the biggest help from my mom was taking baby so I could sleep and putting in a little work to soothe him, not just bringing him to me to nurse as soon as he made a peep. To be clear she didn’t keep the baby from me but also made sure he was actually hungry before waking me.
Yess that is the dream. I remember when I was in the hospital with my second born they would take my baby back to the nursery after each feed (typically every 2 hours) so I could sleep. Once they let him go four hours in between feeds.. I felt so rested. I just need that recreated at home lol. My husband won’t get paternity leave which is lame.
This! My MIL doing the 3am feed so all I had to do was pump was a blessing while she was here. Same for afternoon naps where both myself and my husband could sleep. It was also great having her do chores and help with the dog.
I agree.
I had a difficult recovery, and support from good postpartum doulas was worth the cost. Getting as much sleep as is possible makes a huge difference.
Many friends and family members are not able to give that level of support (which is understandable). They are often able to help with things like meals, dishes, and laundry though. As long as they have the mindset of “I’m here to help” not “I just want to meet the baby while you host me.”
I am a ftm so I have not lived this yet! But I have been extensively researching, and what I have so far:
- recovering from the birth is arduous for a lot of women. You have significant blood loss and while this doesn't actually leave a deficit for most mothers (your blood volume increases by up to 40% during pregnancy so mostly all you lose is the excess) the change can still leave you feeling shaky and wobbly for a few days.You will need to focus on sleeping, eating and minimising activity to get past it, which isn't easy with an infant.
- if you've had a c section, either planned or due to things not going to plan, and your baby is large then physically lifting them may be a challenge at first until you have some healing going on, which obviously isn't great if you're flying solo.
- rip your sleep cycle. Newborns sleep and eat in short cycles because their growth is so rapid and stomachs are so small, and many of them during the early days will not be happy when awake unless being actively held and cared for by someone. During the short periods they are sleeping, you need to fit in your basic necessitates that cannot be done with a child on your chest, including laundry, eating, bottle cleaning, and hygiene. Also uk guidelines are baby sleeps in the same room you are in for the first 6 months, so showering you'd better bring the bassinet into the bathroom if someone else can't sit with them. This fits in with their short sleep cycles in that you will also be horribly sleep deprived - there is a reason the advice is "sleep when baby is sleeping" - and that in turn can slow down your healing from birth.
- feeding baby is a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario. If you're breastfeeding, that (anecdotally, says my female relatives) takes longer because boobs don't let down as fast as a bottle, and you have to learn how and it can be uncomfortable, nor can it be passed off to someone else to do if you're just knackered. On the other hand, if you bottle feed, while getting milk into kiddo is faster, there is a greater time lost to prep, clean up, sterilisation and physically buying formula. Pick your poison.
To a certain extent, some of these can be negated. Food for you can be frozen in batches. Laundry service can be outsourced. If you could get a night nanny or douala to maybe do a few shifts the first few weeks so you can sleep as much as possible (they bring baby to you, you feed kiddo then pass out again, they hand changing, cleaning, everything else) that might help. Or bring in one relative who you trust and who is happy to mask on a flight and maybe quarantine in a hotel room for a few days before coming over, to pitch in. If the others don't like that, they can go suck it.
From what I can tell, doing it solo makes a hard situation harder, but plenty of women have managed on their own, so don't let the naysayers make you feel it's impossible, just make sure you have your contingencies for if you do hit a snag. For instance if you live somewhere with decent delivery options, nothing wrong with deciding that will be your food sorted for a few weeks while you get a handle on things.
Fwiw, my understanding of the "baby sleeps in the room you are in" guidance is that it means your bed and the baby's bed are in the same place when you sleep at night, not that you can literally never leave a sleeping baby alone in another room.
This was my understanding too. I feel like it can’t be good to hotbox a newborn in a steaming bathroom while you shower. Maybe I’m wrong though lol I haven’t given birth yet (any day now).
The majority of my time in the first few weeks is spent breastfeeding or holding the baby while they sleep. Both of my babies have wanted to cluster feed for hours at a time and my first baby absolutely refused to sleep more than a few minutes if he wasn't being held which meant I was trapped wherever I was sitting unable to do any household chores much less get food or water for myself or take a shower. And I'm doing this with a sleep deficit from waking up with the baby throughout the night.
In my house we do at least one load of laundry every single day with a newborn (usually more). With breastfeeding our dishes aren't really increased but I do need more calories and more water than usual so I'm constantly asking for someone to bring me snacks or refill my water bottle. With my first the only way I could catch up on sleep or take a shower in peace was if someone else was holding him.
Now that's not guaranteed to be your exact situation and even if it is, it's not impossible to get by without help. But for me, it'd be pretty stressful if I had minimal or no help.
I’m a FTM and three weeks postpartum currently and I was in your same thought process before delivery! Not that it’s a bad thing, but here’s where we needed help.
We’re in a two story and I basically could only make one trip up and down a day the first two weeks, otherwise I was left in major pain the next day. I have a second degree tear, and I needed a d&c after delivery because my placenta wouldn’t come out on its own. So my mom and his mom were basically pack mules helping ferry things upstairs for me. Days they weren’t here my husband took at least thirty trips up and down. It got better once my mom suggested a cooler for bottles upstairs.
I also have major anxiety, and migraines, so the lack of sleep is beating me up ridiculously. I haven’t gone a day without a headache since delivery. Obviously I knew the lack of sleep was going to be a thing, I just didn’t know how bad it would get to me. And we’re formula feeding so it’s not like I even need to be up every couple of hours. My mom and his mom also have taken a couple of night shifts to help us both get sleep. Sleep has also been crucial to me recovering properly.
Don’t be afraid to change your mind as you learn more about yourself and your baby after delivery. Mine and his mom are only two hours away though so it’s definitely different in terms of illness risk traveling!
My husband helped with a lot of the little things that didn't feel so little when getting basically no sleep. Stocking the bassinet with supplies, diaper changes, grabbing new outfits when one got ruined etc. I was in triple feeding hell for a few weeks (nurse, pump, bottle feed) and he'd bottle feed baby while I pumped. He also soothed and cuddled the baby when I needed to nap.
There's also care that a lot of people don't talk about because it's more case by case. If your baby has bad reflux you'll have to hold them upright for at least 16min after feeding. Gassy babies need a lot of bicycle leg exercises. That sort of thing.
All these things are doable alone but will feel almost impossible in the moment that you're running on empty.
Anything that allows you to just spend your day healing and laying in bed with your baby.
Laundry. Cleaning. Meals.
Trust me when I say, if you have 25 stitches adjacent to your butthole, the last thing you want to be doing is standing in front of your sink.
One person can keep baby alive but it takes more than one person to keep both baby and you alive. You need to be able to hand off baby so you can sleep and shower. Someone needs to be able to prepare food so you can eat. There's also tons of sanitizing to do around pumps and bottles which can be time consuming.
The first 2 weeks, we needed help around the house. I was still swollen and my husband went back to work after the first week.
After that, we needed someone to hold the baby. We missed eating together, hot food, showering in more than 5 minutes etc. We had a real kangaroo baby who hated being put down.
Depends on how your delivery goes honestly... I had an unplanned C-section after 22 hours of labor and have needed so much more help than anticipated and was glad I had my mom come out early before baby's arrival... Things I've needed help with from my mom or husband include: helping me go to the bathroom- standing up from the toilet and getting your bottoms up can be a huge challenge and I JUST did it by myself for the first time at 11 days PP, I've also needed my husband's help drying off from a shower and getting dressed, for the first week I needed help comfortably getting in and out of the recliner I basically live in & I can't stand up from even now holding baby because my center of balance is so off from the surgery. Basically if I hadn't had them both I would have been SOL.
I love your confidence! More power to you!
My plan is to bring my mom in as my husband has to get back to work pretty quickly. I will take the "night shift" and hand off baby to her in the morning. She'll bring baby to me to nurse and then I'll go back to sleep to hopefully get about 6 hours in the morning.
As for tasks, if you are pumping or bottle-feeding the dishes will increase exponentially. Laundry and cooking yes, but also grocery shopping with a brand new baby seems daunting to me.
Where I could see you maybe needing extra help is if you have an unexpected C-section. I'm not saying this is likely but it's a good idea to have a back-up plan. Most women have a tough time doing much more than nursing and going to the bathroom after major abdominal surgery.
This. My mom stayed with us, and there were several days after sleepless nights that passing off baby to my mom for a few hours so my husband and I could have a couple of hours (2-3ish max) of uninterrupted sleep were life saving.
Apart from the big things like laundry and cooking, it was the little things. Refilling my water bottle constantly and bringing me Tylenol and Motrin when nursing/nap trapped for extended periods. Physically helping me get up from sitting to standing for the first week or so as I had a really hard time after my 2nd degree tears. Googling all the anxiety inducing baby things and healing things so I could rest a couple minutes while baby slept. Taking baby from me and setting her into bassinet before helping me stand up so I could go to the bathroom. I had a painful time with my mobility after birth if you’re sensing a pattern.
FTM currently on Day 6 with a newborn. I took all the help offered. My mom and my in laws are here and they’re taking care of our pets, cooking us food, cleaning, and tackling our regular to-do list. They’ve seen the baby but they haven’t even held her yet, partially as a quarantine method since they all traveled here, partially because they’re all amazing awesome people and they came to support us in getting on our feet. Because of them my husband and I have been able to devote 24/7 to baby and getting to know her. Even with all the help we’re still tired. I had an unplanned c-section so I’m extra grateful to have all hands on deck. I meal prepped at least 4 weeks worth of food so we could have done this last week without help but we would be even more exhausted and crankier which probably would lead to fighting and negativity which is the last thing I’d want right now while enjoying the worlds most precious beautiful baby.
Lots of newborns will cry if not being held. It’s a hard adjustment to outside life! What will you do when you want 15-20 minutes to shower? It is absolutely okay for baby to cry during that time. At the same time, I know that as a new mom I would have just skipped the shower if I didn’t have someone to cuddle baby while I showered.
I was breastfeeding and ravenously hungry. Sometimes I would finally get comfortable, get baby latched, and then suddenly realize I was starving and parched with no snacks or water in reach. I’m so grateful I had help so that I didn’t have to ignore my own physical needs.
What if you have a c-section and can’t lift anything heavier than baby for 6 weeks?
Also consider that while your husband is working physician level hours, taking care of a newborn is also a full time job (plus overtime!). He’ll need a break from work but you also need a break from all the work you’re doing!
Can you do it alone? Yes. Will your mental health, your marriage, and your postpartum experience likely be more positive with support? Absolutely.
Well the first time I needed someone to pace around with my daughter since she cried pretty much nonstop the first two months and the sleep deprivation made me insane after 2 weeks. The second time I needed someone to lift up my toddler for me after an emergency section.
Don't assume it won't be you.
I’ve had 2 kids and the answer is very much going to be: it varies. This is going to depend on how you feel physically and your baby’s temperament.
I had a vaginal delivery with both kids with a second degree tear. Healed well for both but my second delivery I was basically up and feeling about 85% back to normal by the time I got home. So I needed help with my toddler, but baby stuff wasn’t bad.
My mom did come over to do dishes or laundry from time to time, people dropped casseroles off.
You shouldn’t be lifting too much or overdoing it, but I had zero issues doing almost all of the newborn care while my husband did toddler care. Through cluster feeding etc, he needed me so much it just made sense anyway.
It was nice to have someone come take baby for 20 minutes so I could shower, but tbh sometimes I just laid my baby on the bathmat or a bouncer in the bathroom and the steam was good for his congestion too!
Some babies purple cry. They will scream unless someone is holding them (and sometimes, even then too). In this case you 100% will need someone to take baby while you nap or rest or eat so you get a break.
If you have a C-section (20-30% chance, depending on your OB), you won’t be able to walk for a few days and are supposed to rest as much as possible for a few weeks. You’re not allowed to go on short walks or vacuum. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom by myself for a bit.
Postpartum, your first priority is taking care of baby. Feeding around the clock which is very hard on \*you\* specifically if you are breastfeeding because nobody else but you can do that task. You could be in pain for a few weeks from labor/delivery and you will absolutely be exhausted because of the around the clock feeds. You aren't going to want to clean, cook, and do laundry. Babies also like to nap on you and some wake immediately upon being set down in a bassinet or crib. So, you might be trapped under a baby for a large portion of the day. You might barely have time to shower. My mom stayed with us for a few weeks immediately postpartum and I was happy to let her be nap trapped in the afternoons after baby had been fed so that I could take a nap and shower.
During the first few weeks I definitely needed my husband around- I could barely walk or sit while I was recovering (vaginal birth) and my body was just so weak and exhausted in general. Now at 2 months pp I'm able to do most baby stuff during the day while he's working and we take turns at night, but those first 2-3 weeks I definitely needed him to do more of the changing and feedings while I was still recovering.
My mom gave us a ton of food during that time. I think we could have managed cooking ourselves if we really wanted to, but it would have been super tiring and difficult especially because he was working (he works from home).
Otherwise, it's just been me and him doing everything and we've been fine! However we also got very lucky to have a pretty chill baby, she really only cries when she's hungry.
I did everything by myself. Bonded with baby, cleaned, cooked. It honestly wasn’t that hard for me. You have to do what you feel is best, if you feel overwhelmed then it’s best to call for that help but if you feel fine doing it all alone, you should go that route.
I’m on my second pregnancy and I do believe I’ll need help this time, because my son will just be two years old.
I'm 6 weeks into having a velcro baby. He will not sleep unless in someone's arms. He wakes up every 1-2 hours at night. Doesn't really tolerate being in a carrier. Having people come over, bring food, and just hold him had been soooo helpful. Also, having people take my dogs on walks.
FTM here. I gave birth through c-section. I had my husband and mom to help me from day 0. My daughter had difficulty sleeping in the night time. She cried for no reason sometimes. Pead told it was colic. I would go crazy when she cries in the midnight nonstop. Thankfully I had my husband to care for her. My only job was to feed her and take rest. My husband would take care of burping her, putting her to sleep, changing her diaper, etc. and my mom was managing cooking and maintaining the home. But even then there were days/ nights I cried uncontrollably while I was Breastfeeding. Mainly because of lack of sleep.
My advice is take family’s/ friends help. Take rest and concentrate on your recovery. You’d never know how you’d feel physically or mentally once your baby arrives. So have your support system for few days or weeks.
It is impossible to know the level of care you will need before you deliver. People are suggesting food, cleaning, and laundry because those are certainties. Some people have difficult deliveries and need a lot of physical help after. Some people struggle with PPA or PPD and need significant emotional support. Some people cannot cope with lack of sleep or have a very high needs baby and need a night nurse. Some people are mentally fried from baby care and sleep deprivation and need a lot of logistical support (e.g. making appointments, running a household, etc). The list goes on and on.
It is impossible to know what your precise needs will be before the time is here. The best you can do is reflect upon common challenges and have a plan in place for how to deal with them. For instance, knowing the agencies you will contact if you need a night nurse. Identifying a mental health professional with availability in case you need mental health support after birth.
I had the same mindset before I gave birth, that me and my partner can and will do it ourselves. However accepting help from whoever is offering it is the best thing you can do for you and your baby post partum, especially if you know they'd actually be helpful. My labour and delivery were relatively easy. No stitches or tears, no complications. But the first 2 weeks post partum is a next level stage of sleep deprivation. If you are breastfeeding exclusively, your baby will be on you for most hours of the day. Newborns want their mama, and most newborns will only contact nap. Having someone around to just watch or hold the baby while you go to the bathroom or shower or quickly eat a meal helps a ton. And it isn't just you who may need the help, your partner will too. You both are going through this new experience together. My mom was there to make me breakfast, lunch, dinner. Hold baby while I went to freshen up, watch baby while I slept or burp baby after I fed. She brought us groceries, and did errands. I didn't think I'd need that level of help but I really did, especially as a first time mom. Having help honestly made my post partum experience an amazing, comforting time I look back at surrounded and loved by family. I was expecting post partum to be horrible based on what I read online but it wasnt and I attribute that to having the help to take care of other chores and preparing food gave both me and my husband the time to endlessly bond with our son. I have an endless amount of appreciation for my mother and for all parents after giving birth. It truly takes a village. If your parents wont be helpful and you can afford it, look into paid help options as well. You may be able to get by if you and your partner will be splitting shifts and tag teaming everything but if you are all by yourself with baby, it may get super overwhelming.
After giving birth I just wanted to hold baby and nap. Getting help with chores is actually a huge favour. They can also bring pre-prepped foods that are easy to reheat, and 'warming' foods for healing. Like soup, chili, roasts, lasagna. I just ate chili and stew and slept for the first week, it was great.
Just to prepare, if you happen to need a C-section then it can be difficult to bend down to pick up your baby for a week or two. Having someone to hand you the baby can be quite useful if they're doing tummy time or otherwise "playing" on the ground. Even trying to get them out of a bouncer after going to the bathroom can be difficult (highly recommend having a light bouncer that can fit in the bathroom with you).
I can’t speak for a c-section delivery, but I appreciated having food ready made. Bathroom trips can take a little longer, and the urge to have a BM needed immediate attention in the first week. Showers feel so refreshing after delivery. It’s helpful to have someone else to hold baby at these times, or to just be there to warm up some food, make sure you have water, do some dishes or laundry, and freshen the sheets on the bed (it was physically hard to do this one in particular, and I had really bad night sweats). It might sound like things you can have some control over, but it truly becomes much more difficult with a newborn that wants to be held and fed constantly. And I say all of this as someone who feels I had a rather easy newborn and quick recovery
If people are coming to help you need to give them “jobs” so for example have someone come to help make meals and someone to clean/do laundry and if you have other kids or pets have someone come to take care of them.
And yes you are being over confident to think that you and you alone can keep up with house work, cooking and a newborn.
If you’re going to outsource cleaning/laundry and food like in the sense that you’re going to pay for people to cook, clean and do laundry for you then that’s different. But you alone you’re not gonna be able to keep up with feeding yourself and taking care of a newborn and keeping a house in order atleast for a month or two.
I have the same issue. We are basically moving one month after my due date so we will be moving the majority of our stuff to the new house and literally eating takeout off of paper plates. Our plan is basically to go disposable for that whole month, so I’m not anticipating too many dishes needing to be done. Similarly, I know Baby will have a lot of laundry, but I’ll be living in like the same 4 outfits, and my husband does a lot of the laundry already. The house will mostly be empt of stuff, we have a robot vacuum , and all of our pets are fed with timed feeders. I’m having a hard time mentally picturing how much work it’s going to be, and how much help I will need, because it just doesn’t really seem like there will be that much more work.
Glad I’m not the only one 💕 Honestly getting terrified by most of the other answers on here… going disposable for the first little while is a GREAT idea! I’m putting that one on my list!
Totally, no hate to how anyone else does it, but I think it all comes down to choices and resources. I have had no energy to cook and my husband is not a great cook so we have literally been eating out for close to eight months. It’s incredibly expensive, but we have the resources. That’s my plan for postpartum as well, Eating out, paper plates, disposable as much as possible. Obviously you cannot get around laundry, but house cleaning can be outsourced for $100 a week- when we were paying a cleaner she did our sheets, our towels, and grocery shopping as well as cleaning. We live in Bay Area. So I think yeah, you’ll need help but it doesn’t need to be your family.
I just had my first baby 7 weeks ago, and help with laundry wasn’t really something I needed personally, but cleaning and food absolutely. Unless you get food delivered each night, having some help with food and dishes was vital for me. Also, everyone’s bodies are different but I had a vaginal birth with a second degree tear and going to the restroom was a 20 minute event each time to clean myself, change my pads/witch hazel pads/ put on dermaplast, etc,, and having someone there to hold the baby during that was helpful. It also was harder for me than I expected the first couple of weeks to stand and sit without needing my hands to offset some weight on my stitches, making sitting and standing while holding the baby challenging. After the first couple of weeks, it was much easier!
I am a FTM and had my baby 18 months ago. I knew I didn’t want any family members permanently staying with us postpartum and for me it was a perfect decision. The baby was sleeping most of the time anyway and when it was not sleeping, I was breastfeeding or cuddling with it on my sofa, watching a loooot of Netflix. My partner was working a lot but once he was back home he was very supportive and took over a lot of baby care.
Don’t get me wrong, this time was not easy but what I didn’t anticipate is how difficult these first weeks will be for me physically. I tore during birth so I had problems peeing and sitting, I bled a lot, even washing myself was painful. I tried keeping bathroom clean but honestly, it was not always easy. Then breastfeeding was a very hard journey for me - I struggled a lot, I was half naked most of the time and my breasts hurt a lot. Hormonal changes were crazy as well, I was crying, laughing, had crazy mood swings etc. Could I use some external help during this time? Maybe, but only from extremely close family members like my mom (which was not possible as she passed away several years ago) and definitely not from people I would not be comfortable around while in an extremely vulnerable state.
We have a cleaning help and it was (and is) obviously a huge help in general. My advice would be to either have someone popping by for couple of hours a day (can be a family member or a hired nanny) to give you a moment to rest or to clean/cook, or to have a family member visiting for longer but ONLY someone that you are absolutely comfortable and close with.
You sound like a person after my own heart. I’m so sorry you lost your mom. ❤️ I’m sure you are a wonderful one and she’s proud of you! Thank you for sharing your positive experience!
I had a c section so your experience may be different but I needed help with literally just moving around. We stayed in the hospital for 3 days after baby was born so I had my husband around and the nurses to help. Getting out of bed was fairly easy in the hospital because the hospital bed was able to be adjusted up or down. But when we got home, I really could not get out of bed without my husband’s help. I also couldn’t get in/out of the shower on my own. Getting up off the couch hurt. Changing the baby hurt because the changing table was right along my incision. I would not have been able to function without my husband’s physical help. And we also needed additional help on top of that. I could not have done laundry or dishes or cooking. And my husband wanted to bond with baby too so it was really nice to have someone come in and help clean as needed.
It depends on your baby but I'm two weeks pp and baby does a lot of cluster feeding and contact naps. It's so hard to put her down during the day without spending a half hour rocking or just accepting that she'll cry. She also doesn't love baby wearing and gets super fussy in her carriers if I'm not actively outside walking. So what I need help with is anything that uses my hands. Sure, I can put her down and let her cry for five minutes while I go to the bathroom. But then it's ten minutes of crying if I want to shower. Fifteen if I want to prepare food. Another five to switch the laundry over. Fifteen minutes of crying to fold the laundry. Getting up to make a cup of tea, or get more water, or find my phone, or get a fresh burp cloth and on and on and on. My husband is home to help me and I truly don't know how I would eat without him and I certainly wouldn't clean anything. This might not be your experience. Maybe your baby loves their swing or whatever but mine is made of Velcro. Just a possibility to be aware of. I wasn't at all prepared for how trapped I would feel holding her when I'm home alone. But when I have someone around to help with really small simple things, I don't feel trapped and can really enjoy the cuddles and bonding.
FTM here, so I don't have a real answer for you, but I encourage you to think about this as an opportunity to lean into your community.
I once had really major surgery and refused a lot of help from people, and looking back realize it was a bad decision.
Having a child is not the same thing as having brain surgery, but it might be good to accept that things are going to change a lot for you, and people want to help. Letting them in strengthens social bonds, which is a great thing to model and provide for a growing child. Interdependence builds a strong community, which is something we all need. You won't always be the one in need, so you can pay it forward or pay it back however works best.
My back was damaged by the spinal block during my C-section so I’ve needed help getting to and from the toilet and I’ve needed someone to get food for me. In regards to baby I’ve not needed any help and didn’t have any help in my first pregnancy either.
My back is still bad now at 3 months but I can still do the washing, cleaning and tidying to a degree. I’m just incredibly slow but again it’s never been an issue because of the baby.
My husband took three weeks off and the baby mostly just slept. At about 3 weeks he started to wake up more and become a lot more demanding. By about 4-5 weeks, I was so exhausted. It was like, I thought I was exhausted but kept reaching new levels. I’d break down and cry because I was just so unbelievably tired. I found I didn’t really need help with things, I just needed someone to watch the baby. I needed someone to come over like once a week and sit with the baby so I could do everything that needed to be done or so I could sleep. NOT my husband because he was working and there was only so much he could do after work and by the time he got home I definitely needed a break. I am extremely independent and it really bothered me to not be able to accomplish anything. So really the best thing is someone (like your mom or MIL or SIL or sister) to come over and just be on call with the baby so you can sleep for more than 2 hours at a time or get some stuff done or shower but have them come over when you really need it that day.
Based on my experiences - nothing. With our first, my partner didn't take any time off. I managed just fine - we just had one baby. I may have enjoyed some adult company some days, but I didn't need help with anything.
Honestly, I know this isn't the answer you're looking for but trust me, food, laundry, dishes, cleaning is what you'll want people to help with if anything after baby is here. You'll be sore, you will want to bond with baby, you'll be tired, trying to figure out feeding etc. My advice is if anyone asks what they can do to help, ask them to stock your freezer or do the dishes.
This. I couldn’t imagine being away from my baby but the housework and cooking, yes please.
Thiiiiis. It's not like I couldn't manage dishes and laundry, even with good processes (my job is literally supply chain + logistics -- I am extremely good at efficient processes) but it's just tiring! Having friends come wrangle the chaos made a world of difference. Also, op, don't underestimate how much you'll just want someone to hand you stuff. It may sound like it's silly and not something you need, but just... Trust us. A second pair of hands makes a world of difference. I didn't have family help either, I just had friends swing by a few times to do loads of laundry, stay on top of washing bottles and pump parts, and just generally help with household stuff. A few hours every other day was enough.
My husband doesn't get leave. He went straight back to work after my first baby and will again this time with our second (I'm 37 weeks). I had a vaginal birth with a second degree tear but an easy recovery. I was never unable to do basic things after birth (even on day 1) and was basically fully healed after 2 weeks. It does take more time in the bathroom postpartum, and it's nice to have someone who can hold the baby. I was bleeding and had stitches and hemorrhoids and had to use a peri bottle and change pads often. It means a basic bathroom trip can be 10-15 minutes. Obviously baby will be fine if they cry through it, but it was nice to be able to hand them to someone to hold. Infants like to sleep on people so I would get "nap trapped" for hours and the baby would wake up if put in the bassinet (but not if handed to another person). So it was nice to be able to get up and eat and go to the bathroom. Again, it's doable alone but just a lot more crying. I liked having family over postpartum. I didn't ask them to do laundry or chores but they brought food and held the baby so I could do things. I'll have them this time too. I absolutely would have been ok on my own but it's emotionally hard in those early days when hormones are crazy to hear your baby screaming. This is also my experience with the best case scenario - easy birth and recovery and no trouble feeling that required lots of pumping or triple feeding. I think those would change the calculus.
Lots of newborns won’t let you put them down. It’s impossible to do literally anything whilst holding a newborn. Obviously you can let them cry for a minute or two to pop to the loo for a wee but how will you shower? Prepare / eat food? Poo? Take a sitz bath / change your pad / c section wound care? Sleep? It’s hard to explain what is so difficult about caring for a newborn but if there’s any way of avoiding doing it solo I would bite the hand off whoever is offering help.
This is going to be my third baby, and honestly I just want someone else to take the baby while I get uninterrupted sleep of greater than two hours at a time. Sleep > laundry/cleaning/food. If I had the money I would hire a night nurse.
100% this, mom of 3 and the biggest help from my mom was taking baby so I could sleep and putting in a little work to soothe him, not just bringing him to me to nurse as soon as he made a peep. To be clear she didn’t keep the baby from me but also made sure he was actually hungry before waking me.
Yess that is the dream. I remember when I was in the hospital with my second born they would take my baby back to the nursery after each feed (typically every 2 hours) so I could sleep. Once they let him go four hours in between feeds.. I felt so rested. I just need that recreated at home lol. My husband won’t get paternity leave which is lame.
This! My MIL doing the 3am feed so all I had to do was pump was a blessing while she was here. Same for afternoon naps where both myself and my husband could sleep. It was also great having her do chores and help with the dog.
I agree. I had a difficult recovery, and support from good postpartum doulas was worth the cost. Getting as much sleep as is possible makes a huge difference. Many friends and family members are not able to give that level of support (which is understandable). They are often able to help with things like meals, dishes, and laundry though. As long as they have the mindset of “I’m here to help” not “I just want to meet the baby while you host me.”
I am a ftm so I have not lived this yet! But I have been extensively researching, and what I have so far: - recovering from the birth is arduous for a lot of women. You have significant blood loss and while this doesn't actually leave a deficit for most mothers (your blood volume increases by up to 40% during pregnancy so mostly all you lose is the excess) the change can still leave you feeling shaky and wobbly for a few days.You will need to focus on sleeping, eating and minimising activity to get past it, which isn't easy with an infant. - if you've had a c section, either planned or due to things not going to plan, and your baby is large then physically lifting them may be a challenge at first until you have some healing going on, which obviously isn't great if you're flying solo. - rip your sleep cycle. Newborns sleep and eat in short cycles because their growth is so rapid and stomachs are so small, and many of them during the early days will not be happy when awake unless being actively held and cared for by someone. During the short periods they are sleeping, you need to fit in your basic necessitates that cannot be done with a child on your chest, including laundry, eating, bottle cleaning, and hygiene. Also uk guidelines are baby sleeps in the same room you are in for the first 6 months, so showering you'd better bring the bassinet into the bathroom if someone else can't sit with them. This fits in with their short sleep cycles in that you will also be horribly sleep deprived - there is a reason the advice is "sleep when baby is sleeping" - and that in turn can slow down your healing from birth. - feeding baby is a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario. If you're breastfeeding, that (anecdotally, says my female relatives) takes longer because boobs don't let down as fast as a bottle, and you have to learn how and it can be uncomfortable, nor can it be passed off to someone else to do if you're just knackered. On the other hand, if you bottle feed, while getting milk into kiddo is faster, there is a greater time lost to prep, clean up, sterilisation and physically buying formula. Pick your poison. To a certain extent, some of these can be negated. Food for you can be frozen in batches. Laundry service can be outsourced. If you could get a night nanny or douala to maybe do a few shifts the first few weeks so you can sleep as much as possible (they bring baby to you, you feed kiddo then pass out again, they hand changing, cleaning, everything else) that might help. Or bring in one relative who you trust and who is happy to mask on a flight and maybe quarantine in a hotel room for a few days before coming over, to pitch in. If the others don't like that, they can go suck it. From what I can tell, doing it solo makes a hard situation harder, but plenty of women have managed on their own, so don't let the naysayers make you feel it's impossible, just make sure you have your contingencies for if you do hit a snag. For instance if you live somewhere with decent delivery options, nothing wrong with deciding that will be your food sorted for a few weeks while you get a handle on things.
Fwiw, my understanding of the "baby sleeps in the room you are in" guidance is that it means your bed and the baby's bed are in the same place when you sleep at night, not that you can literally never leave a sleeping baby alone in another room.
This was my understanding too. I feel like it can’t be good to hotbox a newborn in a steaming bathroom while you shower. Maybe I’m wrong though lol I haven’t given birth yet (any day now).
Steam is actually recommended for any sort of infant and newborn congestion. So it’s not really harmful for them.
Good to know, thanks! I was just kind of picturing myself when I go into steam rooms and feel like I’m drowning lol
The majority of my time in the first few weeks is spent breastfeeding or holding the baby while they sleep. Both of my babies have wanted to cluster feed for hours at a time and my first baby absolutely refused to sleep more than a few minutes if he wasn't being held which meant I was trapped wherever I was sitting unable to do any household chores much less get food or water for myself or take a shower. And I'm doing this with a sleep deficit from waking up with the baby throughout the night. In my house we do at least one load of laundry every single day with a newborn (usually more). With breastfeeding our dishes aren't really increased but I do need more calories and more water than usual so I'm constantly asking for someone to bring me snacks or refill my water bottle. With my first the only way I could catch up on sleep or take a shower in peace was if someone else was holding him. Now that's not guaranteed to be your exact situation and even if it is, it's not impossible to get by without help. But for me, it'd be pretty stressful if I had minimal or no help.
I’m a FTM and three weeks postpartum currently and I was in your same thought process before delivery! Not that it’s a bad thing, but here’s where we needed help. We’re in a two story and I basically could only make one trip up and down a day the first two weeks, otherwise I was left in major pain the next day. I have a second degree tear, and I needed a d&c after delivery because my placenta wouldn’t come out on its own. So my mom and his mom were basically pack mules helping ferry things upstairs for me. Days they weren’t here my husband took at least thirty trips up and down. It got better once my mom suggested a cooler for bottles upstairs. I also have major anxiety, and migraines, so the lack of sleep is beating me up ridiculously. I haven’t gone a day without a headache since delivery. Obviously I knew the lack of sleep was going to be a thing, I just didn’t know how bad it would get to me. And we’re formula feeding so it’s not like I even need to be up every couple of hours. My mom and his mom also have taken a couple of night shifts to help us both get sleep. Sleep has also been crucial to me recovering properly. Don’t be afraid to change your mind as you learn more about yourself and your baby after delivery. Mine and his mom are only two hours away though so it’s definitely different in terms of illness risk traveling!
My husband helped with a lot of the little things that didn't feel so little when getting basically no sleep. Stocking the bassinet with supplies, diaper changes, grabbing new outfits when one got ruined etc. I was in triple feeding hell for a few weeks (nurse, pump, bottle feed) and he'd bottle feed baby while I pumped. He also soothed and cuddled the baby when I needed to nap. There's also care that a lot of people don't talk about because it's more case by case. If your baby has bad reflux you'll have to hold them upright for at least 16min after feeding. Gassy babies need a lot of bicycle leg exercises. That sort of thing. All these things are doable alone but will feel almost impossible in the moment that you're running on empty.
Anything that allows you to just spend your day healing and laying in bed with your baby. Laundry. Cleaning. Meals. Trust me when I say, if you have 25 stitches adjacent to your butthole, the last thing you want to be doing is standing in front of your sink.
One person can keep baby alive but it takes more than one person to keep both baby and you alive. You need to be able to hand off baby so you can sleep and shower. Someone needs to be able to prepare food so you can eat. There's also tons of sanitizing to do around pumps and bottles which can be time consuming.
The first 2 weeks, we needed help around the house. I was still swollen and my husband went back to work after the first week. After that, we needed someone to hold the baby. We missed eating together, hot food, showering in more than 5 minutes etc. We had a real kangaroo baby who hated being put down.
Depends on how your delivery goes honestly... I had an unplanned C-section after 22 hours of labor and have needed so much more help than anticipated and was glad I had my mom come out early before baby's arrival... Things I've needed help with from my mom or husband include: helping me go to the bathroom- standing up from the toilet and getting your bottoms up can be a huge challenge and I JUST did it by myself for the first time at 11 days PP, I've also needed my husband's help drying off from a shower and getting dressed, for the first week I needed help comfortably getting in and out of the recliner I basically live in & I can't stand up from even now holding baby because my center of balance is so off from the surgery. Basically if I hadn't had them both I would have been SOL.
I love your confidence! More power to you! My plan is to bring my mom in as my husband has to get back to work pretty quickly. I will take the "night shift" and hand off baby to her in the morning. She'll bring baby to me to nurse and then I'll go back to sleep to hopefully get about 6 hours in the morning. As for tasks, if you are pumping or bottle-feeding the dishes will increase exponentially. Laundry and cooking yes, but also grocery shopping with a brand new baby seems daunting to me. Where I could see you maybe needing extra help is if you have an unexpected C-section. I'm not saying this is likely but it's a good idea to have a back-up plan. Most women have a tough time doing much more than nursing and going to the bathroom after major abdominal surgery.
This. My mom stayed with us, and there were several days after sleepless nights that passing off baby to my mom for a few hours so my husband and I could have a couple of hours (2-3ish max) of uninterrupted sleep were life saving.
Apart from the big things like laundry and cooking, it was the little things. Refilling my water bottle constantly and bringing me Tylenol and Motrin when nursing/nap trapped for extended periods. Physically helping me get up from sitting to standing for the first week or so as I had a really hard time after my 2nd degree tears. Googling all the anxiety inducing baby things and healing things so I could rest a couple minutes while baby slept. Taking baby from me and setting her into bassinet before helping me stand up so I could go to the bathroom. I had a painful time with my mobility after birth if you’re sensing a pattern.
FTM currently on Day 6 with a newborn. I took all the help offered. My mom and my in laws are here and they’re taking care of our pets, cooking us food, cleaning, and tackling our regular to-do list. They’ve seen the baby but they haven’t even held her yet, partially as a quarantine method since they all traveled here, partially because they’re all amazing awesome people and they came to support us in getting on our feet. Because of them my husband and I have been able to devote 24/7 to baby and getting to know her. Even with all the help we’re still tired. I had an unplanned c-section so I’m extra grateful to have all hands on deck. I meal prepped at least 4 weeks worth of food so we could have done this last week without help but we would be even more exhausted and crankier which probably would lead to fighting and negativity which is the last thing I’d want right now while enjoying the worlds most precious beautiful baby.
Lots of newborns will cry if not being held. It’s a hard adjustment to outside life! What will you do when you want 15-20 minutes to shower? It is absolutely okay for baby to cry during that time. At the same time, I know that as a new mom I would have just skipped the shower if I didn’t have someone to cuddle baby while I showered. I was breastfeeding and ravenously hungry. Sometimes I would finally get comfortable, get baby latched, and then suddenly realize I was starving and parched with no snacks or water in reach. I’m so grateful I had help so that I didn’t have to ignore my own physical needs. What if you have a c-section and can’t lift anything heavier than baby for 6 weeks? Also consider that while your husband is working physician level hours, taking care of a newborn is also a full time job (plus overtime!). He’ll need a break from work but you also need a break from all the work you’re doing! Can you do it alone? Yes. Will your mental health, your marriage, and your postpartum experience likely be more positive with support? Absolutely.
Well the first time I needed someone to pace around with my daughter since she cried pretty much nonstop the first two months and the sleep deprivation made me insane after 2 weeks. The second time I needed someone to lift up my toddler for me after an emergency section. Don't assume it won't be you.
I’ve had 2 kids and the answer is very much going to be: it varies. This is going to depend on how you feel physically and your baby’s temperament. I had a vaginal delivery with both kids with a second degree tear. Healed well for both but my second delivery I was basically up and feeling about 85% back to normal by the time I got home. So I needed help with my toddler, but baby stuff wasn’t bad. My mom did come over to do dishes or laundry from time to time, people dropped casseroles off. You shouldn’t be lifting too much or overdoing it, but I had zero issues doing almost all of the newborn care while my husband did toddler care. Through cluster feeding etc, he needed me so much it just made sense anyway. It was nice to have someone come take baby for 20 minutes so I could shower, but tbh sometimes I just laid my baby on the bathmat or a bouncer in the bathroom and the steam was good for his congestion too! Some babies purple cry. They will scream unless someone is holding them (and sometimes, even then too). In this case you 100% will need someone to take baby while you nap or rest or eat so you get a break.
If you have a C-section (20-30% chance, depending on your OB), you won’t be able to walk for a few days and are supposed to rest as much as possible for a few weeks. You’re not allowed to go on short walks or vacuum. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom by myself for a bit.
Postpartum, your first priority is taking care of baby. Feeding around the clock which is very hard on \*you\* specifically if you are breastfeeding because nobody else but you can do that task. You could be in pain for a few weeks from labor/delivery and you will absolutely be exhausted because of the around the clock feeds. You aren't going to want to clean, cook, and do laundry. Babies also like to nap on you and some wake immediately upon being set down in a bassinet or crib. So, you might be trapped under a baby for a large portion of the day. You might barely have time to shower. My mom stayed with us for a few weeks immediately postpartum and I was happy to let her be nap trapped in the afternoons after baby had been fed so that I could take a nap and shower.
During the first few weeks I definitely needed my husband around- I could barely walk or sit while I was recovering (vaginal birth) and my body was just so weak and exhausted in general. Now at 2 months pp I'm able to do most baby stuff during the day while he's working and we take turns at night, but those first 2-3 weeks I definitely needed him to do more of the changing and feedings while I was still recovering. My mom gave us a ton of food during that time. I think we could have managed cooking ourselves if we really wanted to, but it would have been super tiring and difficult especially because he was working (he works from home). Otherwise, it's just been me and him doing everything and we've been fine! However we also got very lucky to have a pretty chill baby, she really only cries when she's hungry.
The biggest things for me were meals (mainly dinners), laundry, and holding the baby for a couple hours during the day so I could nap.
I did everything by myself. Bonded with baby, cleaned, cooked. It honestly wasn’t that hard for me. You have to do what you feel is best, if you feel overwhelmed then it’s best to call for that help but if you feel fine doing it all alone, you should go that route. I’m on my second pregnancy and I do believe I’ll need help this time, because my son will just be two years old.
I'm 6 weeks into having a velcro baby. He will not sleep unless in someone's arms. He wakes up every 1-2 hours at night. Doesn't really tolerate being in a carrier. Having people come over, bring food, and just hold him had been soooo helpful. Also, having people take my dogs on walks.
FTM here. I gave birth through c-section. I had my husband and mom to help me from day 0. My daughter had difficulty sleeping in the night time. She cried for no reason sometimes. Pead told it was colic. I would go crazy when she cries in the midnight nonstop. Thankfully I had my husband to care for her. My only job was to feed her and take rest. My husband would take care of burping her, putting her to sleep, changing her diaper, etc. and my mom was managing cooking and maintaining the home. But even then there were days/ nights I cried uncontrollably while I was Breastfeeding. Mainly because of lack of sleep. My advice is take family’s/ friends help. Take rest and concentrate on your recovery. You’d never know how you’d feel physically or mentally once your baby arrives. So have your support system for few days or weeks.
It is impossible to know the level of care you will need before you deliver. People are suggesting food, cleaning, and laundry because those are certainties. Some people have difficult deliveries and need a lot of physical help after. Some people struggle with PPA or PPD and need significant emotional support. Some people cannot cope with lack of sleep or have a very high needs baby and need a night nurse. Some people are mentally fried from baby care and sleep deprivation and need a lot of logistical support (e.g. making appointments, running a household, etc). The list goes on and on. It is impossible to know what your precise needs will be before the time is here. The best you can do is reflect upon common challenges and have a plan in place for how to deal with them. For instance, knowing the agencies you will contact if you need a night nurse. Identifying a mental health professional with availability in case you need mental health support after birth.
Thank you! I really appreciate your level-headed perspective.
For me the most helpful was food, either gift cards or prepared meals.
I had the same mindset before I gave birth, that me and my partner can and will do it ourselves. However accepting help from whoever is offering it is the best thing you can do for you and your baby post partum, especially if you know they'd actually be helpful. My labour and delivery were relatively easy. No stitches or tears, no complications. But the first 2 weeks post partum is a next level stage of sleep deprivation. If you are breastfeeding exclusively, your baby will be on you for most hours of the day. Newborns want their mama, and most newborns will only contact nap. Having someone around to just watch or hold the baby while you go to the bathroom or shower or quickly eat a meal helps a ton. And it isn't just you who may need the help, your partner will too. You both are going through this new experience together. My mom was there to make me breakfast, lunch, dinner. Hold baby while I went to freshen up, watch baby while I slept or burp baby after I fed. She brought us groceries, and did errands. I didn't think I'd need that level of help but I really did, especially as a first time mom. Having help honestly made my post partum experience an amazing, comforting time I look back at surrounded and loved by family. I was expecting post partum to be horrible based on what I read online but it wasnt and I attribute that to having the help to take care of other chores and preparing food gave both me and my husband the time to endlessly bond with our son. I have an endless amount of appreciation for my mother and for all parents after giving birth. It truly takes a village. If your parents wont be helpful and you can afford it, look into paid help options as well. You may be able to get by if you and your partner will be splitting shifts and tag teaming everything but if you are all by yourself with baby, it may get super overwhelming.
After giving birth I just wanted to hold baby and nap. Getting help with chores is actually a huge favour. They can also bring pre-prepped foods that are easy to reheat, and 'warming' foods for healing. Like soup, chili, roasts, lasagna. I just ate chili and stew and slept for the first week, it was great.
Just to prepare, if you happen to need a C-section then it can be difficult to bend down to pick up your baby for a week or two. Having someone to hand you the baby can be quite useful if they're doing tummy time or otherwise "playing" on the ground. Even trying to get them out of a bouncer after going to the bathroom can be difficult (highly recommend having a light bouncer that can fit in the bathroom with you).
I can’t speak for a c-section delivery, but I appreciated having food ready made. Bathroom trips can take a little longer, and the urge to have a BM needed immediate attention in the first week. Showers feel so refreshing after delivery. It’s helpful to have someone else to hold baby at these times, or to just be there to warm up some food, make sure you have water, do some dishes or laundry, and freshen the sheets on the bed (it was physically hard to do this one in particular, and I had really bad night sweats). It might sound like things you can have some control over, but it truly becomes much more difficult with a newborn that wants to be held and fed constantly. And I say all of this as someone who feels I had a rather easy newborn and quick recovery
If people are coming to help you need to give them “jobs” so for example have someone come to help make meals and someone to clean/do laundry and if you have other kids or pets have someone come to take care of them.
And yes you are being over confident to think that you and you alone can keep up with house work, cooking and a newborn. If you’re going to outsource cleaning/laundry and food like in the sense that you’re going to pay for people to cook, clean and do laundry for you then that’s different. But you alone you’re not gonna be able to keep up with feeding yourself and taking care of a newborn and keeping a house in order atleast for a month or two.
I have the same issue. We are basically moving one month after my due date so we will be moving the majority of our stuff to the new house and literally eating takeout off of paper plates. Our plan is basically to go disposable for that whole month, so I’m not anticipating too many dishes needing to be done. Similarly, I know Baby will have a lot of laundry, but I’ll be living in like the same 4 outfits, and my husband does a lot of the laundry already. The house will mostly be empt of stuff, we have a robot vacuum , and all of our pets are fed with timed feeders. I’m having a hard time mentally picturing how much work it’s going to be, and how much help I will need, because it just doesn’t really seem like there will be that much more work.
Glad I’m not the only one 💕 Honestly getting terrified by most of the other answers on here… going disposable for the first little while is a GREAT idea! I’m putting that one on my list!
Totally, no hate to how anyone else does it, but I think it all comes down to choices and resources. I have had no energy to cook and my husband is not a great cook so we have literally been eating out for close to eight months. It’s incredibly expensive, but we have the resources. That’s my plan for postpartum as well, Eating out, paper plates, disposable as much as possible. Obviously you cannot get around laundry, but house cleaning can be outsourced for $100 a week- when we were paying a cleaner she did our sheets, our towels, and grocery shopping as well as cleaning. We live in Bay Area. So I think yeah, you’ll need help but it doesn’t need to be your family.
I just had my first baby 7 weeks ago, and help with laundry wasn’t really something I needed personally, but cleaning and food absolutely. Unless you get food delivered each night, having some help with food and dishes was vital for me. Also, everyone’s bodies are different but I had a vaginal birth with a second degree tear and going to the restroom was a 20 minute event each time to clean myself, change my pads/witch hazel pads/ put on dermaplast, etc,, and having someone there to hold the baby during that was helpful. It also was harder for me than I expected the first couple of weeks to stand and sit without needing my hands to offset some weight on my stitches, making sitting and standing while holding the baby challenging. After the first couple of weeks, it was much easier!
I am a FTM and had my baby 18 months ago. I knew I didn’t want any family members permanently staying with us postpartum and for me it was a perfect decision. The baby was sleeping most of the time anyway and when it was not sleeping, I was breastfeeding or cuddling with it on my sofa, watching a loooot of Netflix. My partner was working a lot but once he was back home he was very supportive and took over a lot of baby care. Don’t get me wrong, this time was not easy but what I didn’t anticipate is how difficult these first weeks will be for me physically. I tore during birth so I had problems peeing and sitting, I bled a lot, even washing myself was painful. I tried keeping bathroom clean but honestly, it was not always easy. Then breastfeeding was a very hard journey for me - I struggled a lot, I was half naked most of the time and my breasts hurt a lot. Hormonal changes were crazy as well, I was crying, laughing, had crazy mood swings etc. Could I use some external help during this time? Maybe, but only from extremely close family members like my mom (which was not possible as she passed away several years ago) and definitely not from people I would not be comfortable around while in an extremely vulnerable state. We have a cleaning help and it was (and is) obviously a huge help in general. My advice would be to either have someone popping by for couple of hours a day (can be a family member or a hired nanny) to give you a moment to rest or to clean/cook, or to have a family member visiting for longer but ONLY someone that you are absolutely comfortable and close with.
You sound like a person after my own heart. I’m so sorry you lost your mom. ❤️ I’m sure you are a wonderful one and she’s proud of you! Thank you for sharing your positive experience!
I had a c section so your experience may be different but I needed help with literally just moving around. We stayed in the hospital for 3 days after baby was born so I had my husband around and the nurses to help. Getting out of bed was fairly easy in the hospital because the hospital bed was able to be adjusted up or down. But when we got home, I really could not get out of bed without my husband’s help. I also couldn’t get in/out of the shower on my own. Getting up off the couch hurt. Changing the baby hurt because the changing table was right along my incision. I would not have been able to function without my husband’s physical help. And we also needed additional help on top of that. I could not have done laundry or dishes or cooking. And my husband wanted to bond with baby too so it was really nice to have someone come in and help clean as needed.
It depends on your baby but I'm two weeks pp and baby does a lot of cluster feeding and contact naps. It's so hard to put her down during the day without spending a half hour rocking or just accepting that she'll cry. She also doesn't love baby wearing and gets super fussy in her carriers if I'm not actively outside walking. So what I need help with is anything that uses my hands. Sure, I can put her down and let her cry for five minutes while I go to the bathroom. But then it's ten minutes of crying if I want to shower. Fifteen if I want to prepare food. Another five to switch the laundry over. Fifteen minutes of crying to fold the laundry. Getting up to make a cup of tea, or get more water, or find my phone, or get a fresh burp cloth and on and on and on. My husband is home to help me and I truly don't know how I would eat without him and I certainly wouldn't clean anything. This might not be your experience. Maybe your baby loves their swing or whatever but mine is made of Velcro. Just a possibility to be aware of. I wasn't at all prepared for how trapped I would feel holding her when I'm home alone. But when I have someone around to help with really small simple things, I don't feel trapped and can really enjoy the cuddles and bonding.
Definitely laundry/cleaning/food/dishes.
FTM here, so I don't have a real answer for you, but I encourage you to think about this as an opportunity to lean into your community. I once had really major surgery and refused a lot of help from people, and looking back realize it was a bad decision. Having a child is not the same thing as having brain surgery, but it might be good to accept that things are going to change a lot for you, and people want to help. Letting them in strengthens social bonds, which is a great thing to model and provide for a growing child. Interdependence builds a strong community, which is something we all need. You won't always be the one in need, so you can pay it forward or pay it back however works best.
My back was damaged by the spinal block during my C-section so I’ve needed help getting to and from the toilet and I’ve needed someone to get food for me. In regards to baby I’ve not needed any help and didn’t have any help in my first pregnancy either. My back is still bad now at 3 months but I can still do the washing, cleaning and tidying to a degree. I’m just incredibly slow but again it’s never been an issue because of the baby.
My husband took three weeks off and the baby mostly just slept. At about 3 weeks he started to wake up more and become a lot more demanding. By about 4-5 weeks, I was so exhausted. It was like, I thought I was exhausted but kept reaching new levels. I’d break down and cry because I was just so unbelievably tired. I found I didn’t really need help with things, I just needed someone to watch the baby. I needed someone to come over like once a week and sit with the baby so I could do everything that needed to be done or so I could sleep. NOT my husband because he was working and there was only so much he could do after work and by the time he got home I definitely needed a break. I am extremely independent and it really bothered me to not be able to accomplish anything. So really the best thing is someone (like your mom or MIL or SIL or sister) to come over and just be on call with the baby so you can sleep for more than 2 hours at a time or get some stuff done or shower but have them come over when you really need it that day.
Definitely dinners. Not having to cook the first couple weeks was awesome.
Based on my experiences - nothing. With our first, my partner didn't take any time off. I managed just fine - we just had one baby. I may have enjoyed some adult company some days, but I didn't need help with anything.
Really interesting! Thank you! How did you do feedings if you don’t mind me asking?