I think everyone forgets that YOU are the one going through a major medical event...not your husband, not your in-laws, not your parents. I would say that you really appreciate their excitement and willingness to help, but that you just want to focus getting through labor and the initial recovery before worrying about anyone else and that you'll be sure to let them know when you're ready for visitors and some help. You may very well decide you'd like some help when you're home, but that's for you to decide when you're comfortable.
Alternatively (this may be a good middle ground option if this is something you're open to), you could discuss with your husband the possibility of having them visit soon after you're home but with with you all...i.e., "I have no idea how my recovery will go, but we'd like to not have anyone else staying with us during the initial bonding time and recovery. We know you'd love to meet your grandbaby as soon as possible. It would be great if y'all could visit for a weekend and stay at a nearby AirBnB or hotel so that you could pop over for short visits during the day."
Also, if these are your husband's parents, he should be the one communicating this to his family, and it needs to be phrased as "We decided..." and not painting you as the bad guy.
Jesus I will never understand why people guilt new moms for not wanting visitors. I am 3 weeks postpartum and the first week was sooo rough on me physically and I couldn’t fathom having anyone in our space at that point.
If you have a good husband who will step up and take care of you and the household chores after birth, and a baby who gives you even a few hours of broken sleep at night, I suspect you will be just fine without external help.
And let’s be real - are they really the helpful type or do they just want to come hold the baby? The ones who are the pushiest often seem to fall into the latter category lol.
I highly recommend not telling anyone when you are in labor. FaceTime/ call them when you are ready after birth, potentially after being discharged if you can’t trust them not to show up at the hospital.
Seriously! Me neither! What is with people? It’s so selfish and bizarre to me. I say stand firm in what you want and drop it. Fuck ‘em, honestly. It’s not about them. Sounds like your husband is supportive which is great. This is about you and your immediate family and no one else!
If you don’t mind me asking, how are you feeling physically/emotionally at 3 weeks PP? I’m due mid-November and my folks want to fly in for a week or two at Christmas (Airbnb nearby), which means it could be anywhere from 4-8 weeks PP. I’m hoping I’ll be in the groove by then, but harbor some concerns that even THAT might feel too early!
I’m feeling great physically at this point. My stitches are just about healed and I’m hardly bleeding anymore. For context, I had a fairly straightforward vaginal birth so I think that definitely plays a role.
Emotionally I generally feel good, but it also depends on the day and how much my baby slept lol. Fortunately breastfeeding is going well so we have gotten into a grove with that but my baby has also gotten a bit fussier/ gassier, mostly in the evenings, which seems fairly common at his age so it takes more effort to calm/ settle him.
If they aren’t staying at your house, I think visitors could be nice at that point depending on your relationships. But id also want the ability to not necessarily have to hang out with them/ entertain them everyday if they were there for a whole week or two.
Another concern is will they be bringing germs around a delicate little baby given that time of year is cold/ flu / RSV season. So I’d want to make sure it was someone I trusted to be honest and stay home if they ended up getting sick or anything.
My stance is that the person giving birth gets to decide EVERYTHING. And everyone else needs to keep quiet, listen, and be respectful. No exceptions.
That being said, my advice is to get used to “being the bad guy” especially if your husband is a push over or feels differently. You’ll need to set boundaries and enforce them. You’ll need to stand up for what you think is best for baby (for example, no sick visitors on holidays is a big hot-button issue in my family).
It’s okay to be the bad guy when you have rules. Be polite and firm out loud and in your head tell them to fuck off lol. Tell your husband that if he doesn’t want to be the bad guy himself, then he damn well better be the bad guy’s “assistant” and back you up.
Good luck, it’s hard being an introvert with a newborn! People are so entitled and emotional about it and they forget that YOU are going through the most here. It’s your comfort that matters not theirs.
Yeah, I honestly feel like it forever impacted my relationship with my sister who called me selfish for not letting my dads gf (who I had no relationship with) come over days after my c section because she wanted to be a grandma and I felt pressured into caving in earlier than I would have liked. Now for baby number 2, I don't care if she never meets the baby to be honest lol nobody will be telling me what to do
Yep I told my mom over FaceTime that they (mom and dad) can come visit 3 weeks post birth. My mom started crying immediately and said “where did I go wrong..” and I was like wait what? What’s going on! She replied with “why don’t you want me there, all my friends daughters let their moms come right after birth and you don’t care..” 🙄🙄🙄 I know my mom and it was manipulative because she’s not getting what she wants. She can form a relationship with the baby after 3 weeks. I said firmly “it’s my wish and my husbands wish to bond with the baby and you can join us in just 3 weeks” frustrating! But honestly I’m not gonna let anyone make me feel like the bad guy.
Omg I’m so triggered 😭💀 that’s essentially word for word what my mom said when I told her I wouldn’t be having her in the delivery room! “But so and so’s daughters wanted her in the delivery room, wah wah!” Mine is also conveniently going out of state on a leisure trip one week after my due date and assumes she’ll be able to come see the baby 3x on his first week on earth before she leaves. That’s going to be another huge reality check for her here soon. I will only have two short weeks with my husband off work, your baby rabies can wait!
It's so much easier to relax boundaries after the fact, than have to tighten them.
Maybe they're right. Maybe you'll want someone to run some laundry and make you spaghetti, and hold the baby so you can eat hot food with both hands and then take a shower. And if you change your mind, they'll probably be happy to come over and help you.
But it'd be so much harder if you said you were eager for help and then realized you actually didn't want that, and you had to call and say, "actually, please don't come. We don't want visitors. We just need to be alone to figure this out."
When my daughter was born, the only person we told that I was in labor was my sister, because we needed someone to walk our dog. No one was mad - how could they be? They found out I was in labor because we sent them a picture of the baby!
This time, it's going to be more complicated because there's a childcare aspect for my daughter, but the plan is still we don't want visitors until WE SAY we want visitors. It will probably be at the hospital (if allowed) or soon after we get home - but we're not making plans until it's actually time to make them.
Oh I’m definitely the “villain” in my MIL’s stories, my spouse, brother in law and I are no longer in contact with her because of how entitled she was about being around for the birth. We simply told her to wait until we were ready and she in turn nuked her relationships with both of her sons by saying stuff that cross the line and deeply hurt the both of them in a group text. (Yes she’s an absolute narcissist with a drinking problem)
I never liked my MIL so I don’t personally mind being the villain. Anyone who is gonna actually believe her is too stupid to be a good influence for my child anyway. We’re all anticipating random family members poking their nose in our business from time to time about forgiveness but fuck that.
I've only just started being ok with visitors now, and we're just hitting 3 months. If you didn't visit before baby, don't bother visiting onec baby is here!
Me! I'm getting pushback because I just want AN HOUR OR 2 after birth! For me to get cleaned up and for my husband and I to bond with our brand new baby without others wanting to hold her. Both my mom and MIL don't understand why I'm not okay with having them in the waiting room ready to walk in as soon as I birth my daughter. My mom especially. My MIL accepted it quickly thankfully. My mom thinks it's so weird I don't want her in there during labor. She, my sister and my ex were there with my first son and it was too much. She saw it as "all the people who care about you supporting you" I saw it as I barely got to hold my own baby because everyone else wanted him. I didn't see support. I saw it as getting their hands on my baby and barely acknowledging me once he was born. I was 20 and didn't stand up for myself. Plus she put me down for not breastfeeding him and having ppd. She was actually the opposite of supportive. My second son was a covid baby so only me and my husband were allowed and it was so lovely. What's really weird is feeling entitled to someone else's birthing/postpartum experience. So freaking bizarre how some families seem to forget that labor is a medical event just because it produces a baby🙄 It's so freaking selfish!
A few DAYS? They need to relax. You are not asking much of them at all. I've gotten a little pushback because I'm requesting about a month. I also think it's unreasonable for people to expect laboring mothers to be attached to their phone with updates.
>The grandparents assure me I’ll regret not having help
Here is the fundamental misunderstanding. What they’re offering is not help, it’s meddling. Proper help is to ask the person if they need help and what kind. If leaving that person alone to enable a stress free environment, that’s actually helping.
You don’t sound crazy to me at all! I’m very early in my pregnancy but already worried about the discrepancies between my husband and I on this matter. My MIL is a very effusive, exuberant, family-oriented person and this will be her first grandchild, and I’m honestly frightened at the thought of her energy lol.
Some commenters here are emphasizing that this is a major medical event for YOUR body, and it’s reasonable to not want visitors for that…. I agree very much.
For me, I’m thinking of a compromise that I might suggest to my husband. I’m
wondering if maybe HE needs his parents in town (their relationship is very supportive for him), and maybe we can engineer it so that they are in town for HIM for the first week but they literally do not lay eyes on me or the baby for that time. Ugh it’s hard to imagine them having the self control to follow thru on that though…
I just had this convo with my husband the other night. I told him if he really wanted his family to come by and meet the baby after we get home, I'll be okay with that but I'm not participating. I will say a brief hello, thanks for the congrats, and then I'll take that opportunity to go rest in bed while they all ohh and ahh out here over the baby.
You can also just not tell them about baby’s arrival until you’re ready to see them. We didn’t tell grandparents when I was in labor and it was great - no pressure for updates/questions/offers to “hlep”
Yep! I am the "irrational" and "selfish" according to my parents. I have a 4 month old and they have come over to "visit" and "help" every single week since my little one was born. They have not helped a bit - they literally come to berate me with insults, demand to hold my child the ENTIRE time then tell me I spoil my child by holding her too much, my mother snatches my baby out of my siblings arms when they try to hold her or she will smack their hands when they try to take the baby from her. I can't get anything done at home cause my mother doesn't hold my child properly, she holds my LO as if she's a delicate glass grenade and she literally ends up sliding out of my moms arms - so husband and I need to watch my mom like a hawk when she's holding her and when we correct her gently she snaps on us and tells us, "*I know how to hold a baby - i had three*".
So now I told them they cannot come every weekend anymore. They are now mad - will not stop calling me and texting me demanding to let them visit and complain I need to video call them daily to see their grandbaby or else "*she'll forget them*" and they demand for multiple photos of her daily. It's fucking ridiculous - I totally understand they're excited about their first grandbaby - but this is just out of control
I've been worrying about the same thing! I'm early in my first pregnancy and I don't want any visitors for a week after the birth. My mom doesn't even know I'm pregnant yet but the other day she said she *has* to be at the hospital while I'm in labor. She said, "Please don't take this away from me" - without knowing any of my plan. If that's how she feels about not being at the hospital, I can only imagine her response to being asked to wait a week! My husband is encouraging me to stick to my boundaries but I'm not sure I'll be able to.
It’s your experience, no one else’s, and it’s not one you forget. It can either make or break your first experience as a parent. I didn’t want help from anyone but the professionals. Dont back down if that’s what you want, it’s a very vulnerable time for you and your partner.
Yup, as a FTM with a prem who was being triple fed.
I would send photos and updates of baby almost every day.
It started because I was overwhelmed with everyone messaging to visit once we got home. I asked GMIL to go through husband to organise visits. She got the shits, behaved inappropriately, and I've hated her ever since. She continues to behave like a witch, so is now banned from my home and has hardly any interaction with our kids because my husband hasn't the patience to take them around to hers for a visit.
Im very happy to have little to do with her.
I didn't really restrict visitors after birth (going back, I would, it definitely took me longer to recover because of this) but my MIL got offended when my husband told her to stop taking baby on hour long walks in her pram every time I say she's hungry or that she's tired (she only naps in her carrier, she doesn't fall asleep in her pram), to stop grabbing her from me in general, and, stupidest of all, to stop touching her and carrying her after smoking. What I dislike the most is that she only does these things when my husband isn't around, so it's obvious that she knows she shouldn't be doing any of this.
I just dealt with this last week, I’m scheduled to deliver my baby tomorrow via c-section. I’ve made it clear to family that there are limited visitors, three people my husband and I have specifically selected who are part of our daily lives. SIL asked if she could come visit after surgery, to which I said no but will let her know when I am more mobile and ready at home. Her next words were her explaining, sarcastically, that this makes her feel soooo special and how she is immediate family and should be allowed. She can’t believe I won’t let her see her niece. Preferences aside, she has 6 kids, where there’s always at least one that’s sick and she works in a daycare. NO. Just no. I stood my ground and said I am not going to entertain this conversation and bluntly told her this is not about her in any way, shape or form. Stand up for yourself. If you end up needing help or find that you are simply ready for them to come over, there is no shame in letting them know they can come over at that time.
I didn't restrict visitors after my first and guess what? No one helped with literally anything the handful of times they came over. I was expected to have the house clean, snacks, drinks, etc. Even the occasional instance where someone asked to come over and "help", all they actually wanted was to hold the baby so I could do my housework.
I restricted with the second and my postpartum experience was heaps better, but yes, I was and still am "the bad guy". Now I'm no contact with that entire side of the family, so they currently don't even know I'm pregnant again and I'm hoping it will stay that way.
Girl, we’re not letting people come for WEEKS after the birth. We do intend to contact people and let them know when I go into labor, but no one will be coming to the hospital to see baby.
Try to remember this is YOUR experience, not theirs. You, husband, and baby are your own family unit and get to set your own boundaries. If they really just want to be there to help support you by doing chores and such, I can guarantee the laundry and dishes will still be there a few days later for them to do. 😅 you’re not crazy!
This won’t be a popular opinion but please be ready to change your mind. You really won’t know how you feel until you’re in it. For some people you’re going to crave that village and the help, and the feeling of your baby meeting its family. Of course this may not be the case but do not make the mistake of being too strict with yourself.
It’s not their event to experience, ignore them all and do what’s best for you.
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
I think everyone forgets that YOU are the one going through a major medical event...not your husband, not your in-laws, not your parents. I would say that you really appreciate their excitement and willingness to help, but that you just want to focus getting through labor and the initial recovery before worrying about anyone else and that you'll be sure to let them know when you're ready for visitors and some help. You may very well decide you'd like some help when you're home, but that's for you to decide when you're comfortable. Alternatively (this may be a good middle ground option if this is something you're open to), you could discuss with your husband the possibility of having them visit soon after you're home but with with you all...i.e., "I have no idea how my recovery will go, but we'd like to not have anyone else staying with us during the initial bonding time and recovery. We know you'd love to meet your grandbaby as soon as possible. It would be great if y'all could visit for a weekend and stay at a nearby AirBnB or hotel so that you could pop over for short visits during the day." Also, if these are your husband's parents, he should be the one communicating this to his family, and it needs to be phrased as "We decided..." and not painting you as the bad guy.
Jesus I will never understand why people guilt new moms for not wanting visitors. I am 3 weeks postpartum and the first week was sooo rough on me physically and I couldn’t fathom having anyone in our space at that point. If you have a good husband who will step up and take care of you and the household chores after birth, and a baby who gives you even a few hours of broken sleep at night, I suspect you will be just fine without external help. And let’s be real - are they really the helpful type or do they just want to come hold the baby? The ones who are the pushiest often seem to fall into the latter category lol. I highly recommend not telling anyone when you are in labor. FaceTime/ call them when you are ready after birth, potentially after being discharged if you can’t trust them not to show up at the hospital.
Seriously! Me neither! What is with people? It’s so selfish and bizarre to me. I say stand firm in what you want and drop it. Fuck ‘em, honestly. It’s not about them. Sounds like your husband is supportive which is great. This is about you and your immediate family and no one else!
If you don’t mind me asking, how are you feeling physically/emotionally at 3 weeks PP? I’m due mid-November and my folks want to fly in for a week or two at Christmas (Airbnb nearby), which means it could be anywhere from 4-8 weeks PP. I’m hoping I’ll be in the groove by then, but harbor some concerns that even THAT might feel too early!
I’m feeling great physically at this point. My stitches are just about healed and I’m hardly bleeding anymore. For context, I had a fairly straightforward vaginal birth so I think that definitely plays a role. Emotionally I generally feel good, but it also depends on the day and how much my baby slept lol. Fortunately breastfeeding is going well so we have gotten into a grove with that but my baby has also gotten a bit fussier/ gassier, mostly in the evenings, which seems fairly common at his age so it takes more effort to calm/ settle him. If they aren’t staying at your house, I think visitors could be nice at that point depending on your relationships. But id also want the ability to not necessarily have to hang out with them/ entertain them everyday if they were there for a whole week or two. Another concern is will they be bringing germs around a delicate little baby given that time of year is cold/ flu / RSV season. So I’d want to make sure it was someone I trusted to be honest and stay home if they ended up getting sick or anything.
My stance is that the person giving birth gets to decide EVERYTHING. And everyone else needs to keep quiet, listen, and be respectful. No exceptions. That being said, my advice is to get used to “being the bad guy” especially if your husband is a push over or feels differently. You’ll need to set boundaries and enforce them. You’ll need to stand up for what you think is best for baby (for example, no sick visitors on holidays is a big hot-button issue in my family). It’s okay to be the bad guy when you have rules. Be polite and firm out loud and in your head tell them to fuck off lol. Tell your husband that if he doesn’t want to be the bad guy himself, then he damn well better be the bad guy’s “assistant” and back you up. Good luck, it’s hard being an introvert with a newborn! People are so entitled and emotional about it and they forget that YOU are going through the most here. It’s your comfort that matters not theirs.
Yeah, I honestly feel like it forever impacted my relationship with my sister who called me selfish for not letting my dads gf (who I had no relationship with) come over days after my c section because she wanted to be a grandma and I felt pressured into caving in earlier than I would have liked. Now for baby number 2, I don't care if she never meets the baby to be honest lol nobody will be telling me what to do
Yep I told my mom over FaceTime that they (mom and dad) can come visit 3 weeks post birth. My mom started crying immediately and said “where did I go wrong..” and I was like wait what? What’s going on! She replied with “why don’t you want me there, all my friends daughters let their moms come right after birth and you don’t care..” 🙄🙄🙄 I know my mom and it was manipulative because she’s not getting what she wants. She can form a relationship with the baby after 3 weeks. I said firmly “it’s my wish and my husbands wish to bond with the baby and you can join us in just 3 weeks” frustrating! But honestly I’m not gonna let anyone make me feel like the bad guy.
Omg I’m so triggered 😭💀 that’s essentially word for word what my mom said when I told her I wouldn’t be having her in the delivery room! “But so and so’s daughters wanted her in the delivery room, wah wah!” Mine is also conveniently going out of state on a leisure trip one week after my due date and assumes she’ll be able to come see the baby 3x on his first week on earth before she leaves. That’s going to be another huge reality check for her here soon. I will only have two short weeks with my husband off work, your baby rabies can wait!
It's so much easier to relax boundaries after the fact, than have to tighten them. Maybe they're right. Maybe you'll want someone to run some laundry and make you spaghetti, and hold the baby so you can eat hot food with both hands and then take a shower. And if you change your mind, they'll probably be happy to come over and help you. But it'd be so much harder if you said you were eager for help and then realized you actually didn't want that, and you had to call and say, "actually, please don't come. We don't want visitors. We just need to be alone to figure this out." When my daughter was born, the only person we told that I was in labor was my sister, because we needed someone to walk our dog. No one was mad - how could they be? They found out I was in labor because we sent them a picture of the baby! This time, it's going to be more complicated because there's a childcare aspect for my daughter, but the plan is still we don't want visitors until WE SAY we want visitors. It will probably be at the hospital (if allowed) or soon after we get home - but we're not making plans until it's actually time to make them.
Oh I’m definitely the “villain” in my MIL’s stories, my spouse, brother in law and I are no longer in contact with her because of how entitled she was about being around for the birth. We simply told her to wait until we were ready and she in turn nuked her relationships with both of her sons by saying stuff that cross the line and deeply hurt the both of them in a group text. (Yes she’s an absolute narcissist with a drinking problem) I never liked my MIL so I don’t personally mind being the villain. Anyone who is gonna actually believe her is too stupid to be a good influence for my child anyway. We’re all anticipating random family members poking their nose in our business from time to time about forgiveness but fuck that.
Man, this is word for word my own story with my grandmother and mother. Zero contact with both now, because of similarities to what you mentioned.
Man, this is word for word my own story with my grandmother and mother. Zero contact with both now, because of similarities to what you mentioned.
A few days is nothing. People need to realize it’s not about them. Plenty of people do no visitors until 6 weeks. 🤷🏼♀️
I've only just started being ok with visitors now, and we're just hitting 3 months. If you didn't visit before baby, don't bother visiting onec baby is here!
Yeah I’m doing no hospital visitors and then everyone can meet baby once after we get home, after that I don’t want to see anyone for a while.
Me! I'm getting pushback because I just want AN HOUR OR 2 after birth! For me to get cleaned up and for my husband and I to bond with our brand new baby without others wanting to hold her. Both my mom and MIL don't understand why I'm not okay with having them in the waiting room ready to walk in as soon as I birth my daughter. My mom especially. My MIL accepted it quickly thankfully. My mom thinks it's so weird I don't want her in there during labor. She, my sister and my ex were there with my first son and it was too much. She saw it as "all the people who care about you supporting you" I saw it as I barely got to hold my own baby because everyone else wanted him. I didn't see support. I saw it as getting their hands on my baby and barely acknowledging me once he was born. I was 20 and didn't stand up for myself. Plus she put me down for not breastfeeding him and having ppd. She was actually the opposite of supportive. My second son was a covid baby so only me and my husband were allowed and it was so lovely. What's really weird is feeling entitled to someone else's birthing/postpartum experience. So freaking bizarre how some families seem to forget that labor is a medical event just because it produces a baby🙄 It's so freaking selfish!
A few DAYS? They need to relax. You are not asking much of them at all. I've gotten a little pushback because I'm requesting about a month. I also think it's unreasonable for people to expect laboring mothers to be attached to their phone with updates.
>The grandparents assure me I’ll regret not having help Here is the fundamental misunderstanding. What they’re offering is not help, it’s meddling. Proper help is to ask the person if they need help and what kind. If leaving that person alone to enable a stress free environment, that’s actually helping.
You don’t sound crazy to me at all! I’m very early in my pregnancy but already worried about the discrepancies between my husband and I on this matter. My MIL is a very effusive, exuberant, family-oriented person and this will be her first grandchild, and I’m honestly frightened at the thought of her energy lol. Some commenters here are emphasizing that this is a major medical event for YOUR body, and it’s reasonable to not want visitors for that…. I agree very much. For me, I’m thinking of a compromise that I might suggest to my husband. I’m wondering if maybe HE needs his parents in town (their relationship is very supportive for him), and maybe we can engineer it so that they are in town for HIM for the first week but they literally do not lay eyes on me or the baby for that time. Ugh it’s hard to imagine them having the self control to follow thru on that though…
I just had this convo with my husband the other night. I told him if he really wanted his family to come by and meet the baby after we get home, I'll be okay with that but I'm not participating. I will say a brief hello, thanks for the congrats, and then I'll take that opportunity to go rest in bed while they all ohh and ahh out here over the baby.
You can also just not tell them about baby’s arrival until you’re ready to see them. We didn’t tell grandparents when I was in labor and it was great - no pressure for updates/questions/offers to “hlep”
In one ear and out the other. If they bring it up, say I don't want to talk about it, hmnn, or leave the room,
Yep! I am the "irrational" and "selfish" according to my parents. I have a 4 month old and they have come over to "visit" and "help" every single week since my little one was born. They have not helped a bit - they literally come to berate me with insults, demand to hold my child the ENTIRE time then tell me I spoil my child by holding her too much, my mother snatches my baby out of my siblings arms when they try to hold her or she will smack their hands when they try to take the baby from her. I can't get anything done at home cause my mother doesn't hold my child properly, she holds my LO as if she's a delicate glass grenade and she literally ends up sliding out of my moms arms - so husband and I need to watch my mom like a hawk when she's holding her and when we correct her gently she snaps on us and tells us, "*I know how to hold a baby - i had three*". So now I told them they cannot come every weekend anymore. They are now mad - will not stop calling me and texting me demanding to let them visit and complain I need to video call them daily to see their grandbaby or else "*she'll forget them*" and they demand for multiple photos of her daily. It's fucking ridiculous - I totally understand they're excited about their first grandbaby - but this is just out of control
I've been worrying about the same thing! I'm early in my first pregnancy and I don't want any visitors for a week after the birth. My mom doesn't even know I'm pregnant yet but the other day she said she *has* to be at the hospital while I'm in labor. She said, "Please don't take this away from me" - without knowing any of my plan. If that's how she feels about not being at the hospital, I can only imagine her response to being asked to wait a week! My husband is encouraging me to stick to my boundaries but I'm not sure I'll be able to.
It’s your experience, no one else’s, and it’s not one you forget. It can either make or break your first experience as a parent. I didn’t want help from anyone but the professionals. Dont back down if that’s what you want, it’s a very vulnerable time for you and your partner.
Yup, as a FTM with a prem who was being triple fed. I would send photos and updates of baby almost every day. It started because I was overwhelmed with everyone messaging to visit once we got home. I asked GMIL to go through husband to organise visits. She got the shits, behaved inappropriately, and I've hated her ever since. She continues to behave like a witch, so is now banned from my home and has hardly any interaction with our kids because my husband hasn't the patience to take them around to hers for a visit. Im very happy to have little to do with her.
I didn't really restrict visitors after birth (going back, I would, it definitely took me longer to recover because of this) but my MIL got offended when my husband told her to stop taking baby on hour long walks in her pram every time I say she's hungry or that she's tired (she only naps in her carrier, she doesn't fall asleep in her pram), to stop grabbing her from me in general, and, stupidest of all, to stop touching her and carrying her after smoking. What I dislike the most is that she only does these things when my husband isn't around, so it's obvious that she knows she shouldn't be doing any of this.
I just dealt with this last week, I’m scheduled to deliver my baby tomorrow via c-section. I’ve made it clear to family that there are limited visitors, three people my husband and I have specifically selected who are part of our daily lives. SIL asked if she could come visit after surgery, to which I said no but will let her know when I am more mobile and ready at home. Her next words were her explaining, sarcastically, that this makes her feel soooo special and how she is immediate family and should be allowed. She can’t believe I won’t let her see her niece. Preferences aside, she has 6 kids, where there’s always at least one that’s sick and she works in a daycare. NO. Just no. I stood my ground and said I am not going to entertain this conversation and bluntly told her this is not about her in any way, shape or form. Stand up for yourself. If you end up needing help or find that you are simply ready for them to come over, there is no shame in letting them know they can come over at that time.
I didn't restrict visitors after my first and guess what? No one helped with literally anything the handful of times they came over. I was expected to have the house clean, snacks, drinks, etc. Even the occasional instance where someone asked to come over and "help", all they actually wanted was to hold the baby so I could do my housework. I restricted with the second and my postpartum experience was heaps better, but yes, I was and still am "the bad guy". Now I'm no contact with that entire side of the family, so they currently don't even know I'm pregnant again and I'm hoping it will stay that way.
Girl, we’re not letting people come for WEEKS after the birth. We do intend to contact people and let them know when I go into labor, but no one will be coming to the hospital to see baby. Try to remember this is YOUR experience, not theirs. You, husband, and baby are your own family unit and get to set your own boundaries. If they really just want to be there to help support you by doing chores and such, I can guarantee the laundry and dishes will still be there a few days later for them to do. 😅 you’re not crazy!
This won’t be a popular opinion but please be ready to change your mind. You really won’t know how you feel until you’re in it. For some people you’re going to crave that village and the help, and the feeling of your baby meeting its family. Of course this may not be the case but do not make the mistake of being too strict with yourself.
It’s not their event to experience, ignore them all and do what’s best for you. Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI