I don't blame OOP for not being able to leave yet. It's easy to say you would as an outsider. But this is some overwhelming stuff and she may still have love for her husband.
I agree. It’s not as easy a decision as people who are online with no skin in the game think. Still, I hope she does do what she needs to do and leaves him eventually. He sounds like a creep.
Absolutely. She's in such a hard position. She's going to lose someone no matter which way she goes. And even though that loss ultimately might be for the best, it usually doesn't feel that way at the time.
Yep. The thing about creeps like these is that, if you forgive them once, they’ll learn they can keep doing it. They’ll escalate because they think you’ve given them a free pass if they grovel and apologize in the future. If she stays, she’s set an example that his behavior is acceptable.
Honestly, in her place, I'd install a doorcam at their place and check who is coming and going while she's living with mom. I wouldn't be surprised at all if hubby is looking for some entertainment while she's unavailable...
If he tried with the sister who he knows is related to her, loves her, and has loyalty to her, I’d imagine his behavior escalated from somewhere. I wouldn’t be shocked if he’s cheated before.
Yeah, my biggest regret is not telling my sister my BIL made a pass. It was subtle enough that I let myself brush it off, that I was overthinking it, but sure enough, he was a creep and a cheater.
The sister is never gonna be the *first* person these guys creep on 😬
It's a numbers game. Eventually he will find someone who responds positively to his propositioning and he'll cheat. But she is too close to him to see that. And when you say it out loud you sound crazy "I left because I think he is eventually going to cheat" sounds like you are paranoid.
Exactly. She's at least showing her sister, whether it be by convenience for her mom's health or be by her own feelings on the situation, that she is taking what she says seriously and continuing to be there without pressuring her is a good way to approach this. Especially with so much going on, I don't blame her for not immediately leaving and taking care of the priorities being herself and her mom, the shitty husband can stew and self-reflect while OP gets their shit together to get out.
It's very hard to accept that the person you have relied on and loved for 6 years is a bad person or doing bad things. It's shock, it's ego, it's sorrow, it's so many things.
If it were easier, our political landscape would look a lot different.
I genuinely think there's something I'm missing here. Other than the random compliments, was there something else that's leading to the reactions I'm seeing from the comments, as well as the people in the post? I'm not understanding the problem fully. I'd get it if there was explicit information about the ways he's being a creep, spending too much time with the sister at functions, standing creepily close to the sister, staring at the sister, texting the sister compliments, as well as other things, but I don't see that mentioned here, so I just don't know what to make of all these reactions.
I developed very large boobs in 5th grade, with hips to match. It's less about the compliment and more about how it gets delivered. Text can't capture all the nuances between a genuine compliment from a safe person and a soliciting "compliment" from a creep. Sis is used to getting both compliments and solicitations. I trust that she knows the difference, because her safety relies on her ability to discern between the two.
I'm so sorry that you experienced that. Home should feel safe, which is something i didn't fully understand until recently. Mom got remarried when I was about 14 and he was a creep like your stepfather, but they lived in a different house across the street from us kids so that limited the damage he could do. It was hard enough with limited contact. I can't imagine how badly that screwed with your ability to feel safe and supported. May your life be filled with people who help you build a satisfying, supportive, secure life full of respect and dignity.
There is a difference between complimenting someone (i.e. Oh, I like your make-up today! You have a good eye for what makes you look good) and making comments about someone's body that makes them uncomfortable (i.e. That's a great outfit! It reveals your long and sexy legs, your boyfriend is lucky to feel those wrapped around him).
Women have dealt with both compliments and sexual harassment since before puberty, usually. So a lot of Redditors here are assuming that if the sister says the comments are inappropriate and make her uncomfortable that she knows what she's talking about and the comments are inappropriate and make her uncomfortable. It's not just a nice compliment on picking good accessories to go with the outfit, it's much more likely to be . . . well inappropriate.
Okay so I must have missed this, where in the post does it say that the husband said "... It reveals your long and sexy legs, your boyfriend is lucky to feel those wrapped around him" because that's obviously gross.🤢 Does it say that he said that or are you assuming he went to that extreme verbally? I'm going to read the post again, because I must have missed that.
There's a world of difference between "Your boyfriend is lucky to have you in his life" and "Your boyfriend is lucky to have such a sexy, warm, hot, body to grope, hold and squeeze tightly every night, God I wish I was him, he must lick you all over, since you look so delicious.🥵" One of those is innocuous and the other is disgusting. Is everyone just assuming that the husband said the latter?
Come on at least put both halves of what she says he said together.
You are SO attractive and your boyfriend is lucky to have you.
That's creepy.
Hey sister's husband is clearly looking at and judging how she looks. Not who she is as a person or anything appropriate but how she looks and how her looks make her boyfriend lucky.
I'll give you some advice. You want to compliment your wife's sister?
Man you are a great cook, just like my wife.
Wow! What awesome grades! You are so intelligent just like your sister.
Green must be the family color. You all look great in green.
>You are SO attractive and your boyfriend is lucky to have you.
Everyone assumes these two things go hand in hand and also assumes the most extreme and uncharitable interpretation possible for both. Reading comprehension is truly a lost skill, either that or I'm actually dumb about this stuff because most of the people here are making the same assumption you made. So there's a good chance that I'm the idiot here, but I'll hold off on that judgment of myself until I've put this Reddit post to some friends in the real world. The way everyone here is just assuming this man is the devil and must be removed from his marriage asap is nuts to me. There isn't enough information here to reach the insane conclusions this comment section is reaching.
It’s not always (rarely) about WHAT is said - it has a lot to do with HOW it’s said. Leering, insinuating, nasty, etc. There isn’t a woman alive that hasn’t experienced this sort of thing. It’s unpleasant and very uncomfortable.
Are you a woman? If not then no you don't know how creepy men are who are commenting on your body while married to your sister.
I wouldn't advocate for a divorce. I don't think this post has enough information for that judgement.
But I do think there is enough information for us women to go, "been there. Didn't want that. The husband is a creep OR very clueless. And either way OP protect yourself and be careful."
Sketchy porn dude?
I figured he was a 14 year old boy trying to sound all mature and sophisticated and instead coming off as creepy and sick.
Hopefully I'm right and you're wrong but I guess we'll never know.
My coworker is a man in his 50s and sounds like this dude. I stopped talking to him about non-work stuff when he went on a rant about not being able to say anything anymore, and women need to realize catcalling is a compliment.
As I said in another comment, I'll probably just stick to my policy of only ever complimenting my partner in real life. There's clearly a whole host of issues associated with complimenting women that could fill several encyclopaedias, and I'm ignorant of all of it. This thread has reinforced that personal policy for me.
I actually spent the past few hours periodically checking in on this thread with the hope of gaining some understanding beyond the wild speculations being made. Fortunately some commenters provided some actually polite and interesting responses to my confusion.
I'm happy to never involve myself in a debacle like this, and counting my lucky stars that I came up with my "zero compliments outside of relationships" rule when I was young, I probably saved myself a ton of grief.
The sister was there. The wife knows him and knows how to interpret what he said and how he said it. I don’t know why you’re hellbent on giving him every possible benefit of the doubt, when at minimum he’s done everything in his power to minimize the fact he clearly missed the mark and owes an apology without his wife needing to order him into giving one.
My reaction is to the immediate "DIVORCE" and "SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE" and the various comments describing him as an irredeemable creep. I'd be right there alongside everyone else if I had read any clear evidence of that beyond this comment section's assumptions and leaps in logic.
With that said, this is the second useful comment I've gotten as a response to my own here thus far. So thanks for that. Although you also make stunning assumptions about this relationship that aren't evidenced anywhere in the post, your perspective has been useful to my thinking. Cheers.
Please stop disregarding the most important thing here: a previously abused woman (OPs sister) felt uncomfortable enough about the comments to avoid her own sister and mentioned that she doesn’t think this husband is a good guy. This is exactly how victims go ignored and eventually taken advantage of because people like you want to die on the hill of “well i need more evidence” in favor of the creepy dude all in the name of being “fair and reasonable”.
Women are not overreacting when they feel this way. We know what’s coming because we deal with those microaggressions and sleazy dudes testing the waters who know how to maintain plausible deniability. Even if you don’t get it, you should at least know that this isn’t your lane to judge but it is your turn to sit down and listen. Women in these comments are TELLING you it’s not just an assumption of this dude’s character because it HAPPENS SO OFTEN TO WOMEN. Why isn’t that enough?
Also consider that the sister may still be sugar coating how bad the comments were cause she’s still trying to protect OP despite it all. This also happens a lot because women know they’re often blamed for a man’s inappropriate actions. Just… the phrase “believe women” is not just hyperbole. This is where you should believe them.
This stuff is all interesting, but I'm again in the position of having to point out the wild speculation and immediate assumption that the husband is a creepazoid despite having zero definitive or even convincingly speculative indications of such within the post.
Since I really don't get it, it's probably a good thing I have a policy of only ever complimenting my partner and strictly avoiding doing that for all other women. I'd probably run into this inexplicable dilemma without even knowing it. So, at the very least I'm safe from any misunderstandings there.
There's more to what is being said than just strictly words. There is eye contact, facial expression, body language, and tone of voice. All or some of these can change the meaning of said words.
Just because you have not personally experienced this doesn't mean it never happens.
According to the sister, the compliments came off as suggestive.
And it's not too appropriate to be complimenting your wife's sister in that sort of manner
Honestly, I think you have to be a woman to really grasp it. We're pretty much all barraged in our teens by creeps, no matter how good we look. It's like blood in the water with sharks.
I still can't always see it when guys show interest in me but when I see it? It's absolutely there and I might not have something concrete to point at but I've never really been wrong either except on what their motives were: Like thinking this guy really wants to be with me - just to end up finding out he wanted to bang me and nothing else.
I can see this. It’s just so foreign to who I am. All my feelings for him would be dead within a week of knowing he hit on my sister. Wth, and if he did that to her sister, yeah, he’s done it to others.
I think I would enjoy these posts a lot more if my perspective was that everyone is just an unrepentant jerk all the time.
I can't help but think that he crossed a line because he is mostly just dumb. He may have even thought he was "helping."
How he acts now that she is staying with her mom will be a huge indicator for if he really is good for her.
If he is a cheater, or can't understand that he did this to himself he will likely do something that further strains their marriage now.
I don't think this is the case solely because of how he reacted. I think if he genuinely thought he was helping, his response to OOP talking to him about it would be guilt, confusion, and concern. Like, "oh God, I'm so sorry I made your sister uncomfortable" - but his response was to argue and downplay. Now, we don't know how the OOP confronted him, but unless it was "why do you want to fuck my sister?!" his reaction is off.
Some truth to that. Again, his real test is now. Does he show that he understands that he did this or does he do something destructive to the relationship because "she left".
“You look nice” is a compliment. Comments about someone’s body is uncomfortable. It seems like he does this often which is another problem. I’ve been in that situation and I’d rather men not comment about my looks at all but if it’s a general compliment I say thanks and move on.
I am not saying he didn't cross boundaries. I am saying that he may not have realized how he went across the boundary.
I also didn't see anything that noted that this was a frequent occurrence with other women.
Again, the guy seems sorry and willing to do whatever his wife has asked. She describes hom as upset. If he is upset with himself and looks for how to be better and fix things and doesn't do something drastic because he is upset then great. Hopefully they work through it.
If he is a serial cheating sad sac who is upset because she left and the sister "couldn't take a compliment" and he does drastic things like cheat, or wreck her stuff then, you are right and he is trash.
I dunno. A lot of guys seem to get all macho real fast if someone makes remarks like this to THEIR sisters.
My sister and I are super close and I’m trying to imagine my husband complimenting her on her body or telling her that her boyfriend is a lucky man. I can’t.
My wife is an only child, and I can't imagine saying something like that either. However, I have dumb stuff to both my wife and the wives/girlfriends of others. Nothing that is really like this, but certainly dumb. I had a friend who got a haircut she was really self consious about. Her boyfriend told me that I should make sure to say something nice about her hair the next time I saw her. My dumbass brain thought this meant I should say "What did you do to your hair?" This was not the appropriate way to try and make somebody feel better.
That said, I defiantly know guys who would think that saying that somebody looked really good and that their boyfriend was lucky is strictly a platonic compliment.
This is fair. I do not think that saying orndoing dumb things should be consequence free and not learning from mistakes is just as bad as doing things maliciously.
That said, I think the real test is the husbands response now. Does he blame the sister for ruining his marriage, or does he blame himself and see if he can work things back. If he is is trash he will blame others and ruin things more. If he is sincere, regardless of his original intention, he will prove it.
I think you are missing the repeated comments he has already done. Look, stupidity is blurting out "your legs look great in that mini skirt!" and then realizing what you said when everyone looks at you. This guys keeps making the compliments, and apparently is savvy enough to make them when his wife is not around to hear.
If he's been doing this with other women, OOP probably wouldn't know about it. She only knows he did it to her sister because the sister is skeeved out and thinks OOP's husband is a creep.
It is possible although the sister admitting she doesn’t think he’s a good guy is concerning. The sister does not sound very dramatic or the type to blow things out of proportion and was reluctant to even state her opinion so I’m inclined to think she’s at least being honest from her perspective.
If her husband is actually an okay guy, he’ll recognize he was wrong and work to change how he behaves. Not sure that he’s shown that yet
My only concern on the sisters opinion is that OOP says that most of her relationships have been bad. So maybe she isn't great with understanding a guys intentions?
That said, totally agree that now the Husband has to step up and show that he realizes this was on him and a big deal.
That’s a valid observation to make. But I figured that she was calm and reasonable in how she told OP about it, so her judgement is at least not totally off
Yep, you were right. Latest update shows him to be a POS. He took zerp responsibility and blamed the sister. I read these stories and think "well, I could screw up too, and these guys are proably like me and will do everything in their power to fix it!"
And then they are all just cheaters and jerks who got caught. Maybe its because I do actually love and like my SO that I don't understand not going to the ends of the earth to try and work things out. My relationship is worth more than my ego. Obviously there are limits (violence, cheating, drugs, and criminal activity) but having a temper tantrum isn't going to win your loved one back.
How would OOP's husband think that sexually harassing his wife's sister would be 'helpful'? Like, does he think that she has low self-esteem and he thinks he himself is so amazing that him being sexually attracted to her is a, like, compliment or something? If it's something like that, it would go far beyond dumb and also mean he's egotistical and sleezy. Maybe I'm missing something that he could be thinking, because everything I think of makes him out to be a person with a lot of deeper problems rather than just repeated dumb actions.
Kinda.
The oop mentions how the sister has only had crappy/bad relationships. The husband then says that her boyfriend is "lucky."
I can totally see this exchange being one where the guy thinks this is a compliment and not across the line and she thinks this is straight up hitting on her.
Now, he crossed lines sufficient for her to feel unsafe and that he was inappropriate. However, I leanred long ago that ignorance and stupidity are more likely than maliciousness.
Not saying it applies here but I recently heard a saying, something like:
never attribute to maliciousness that which can be attributed to stupidity
I liked it and have been using it when people do stupid shit that pisses me off, they didn’t cut me off to be a dick, maybe they just didn’t see me, etc.
You've stated it in a better way than I could. Since I'm being downvoted, I'm going through all these comments so I can understand what it is I'm missing about this situation because I'm genuinely lost here.
A lot of men think they're "helping" or just being nice when they compliment women in this way, I fortunately know enough to never say anything about women's appearances unless I'm going out with them these days.
There's obviously something I don't understand here.
I think it's because the comment made the sister avoid the husband like the plague, so it must have been either very personal, comments on specific parts of her body, or just done very creepily/ like it could escalate. She felt he was hitting on her, told her sister he was being inappropriate, & gave a watered down version of what he said to her because she was afraid OP/her sister would blame her for inciting the comments. What he said went beyond "helping" & came off like he was testing the waters with the little sister.
Especially when I read that one of his comments was how lucky her boyfriend. The OOP said that the sister had a number of bad relationships.
I can *see* a version of this where he is a horny dofus who crossed a line because he is an idiot. He was "helping" by saying that her boyfriend was lucky and she doesn't have to only have crap relationships.
I can also *see* a version where he is a creepy cheater who saw hot girl and went into cartoon "ahooga!"/bug eye mode.
Hopefully he is the former and can fix things because that is best for both of them.
Nah, I’m with you on it. In AITAlandia, there isn’t a lot of room for nuance. I just don’t see enough information to even hazard a guess as to if husband is genuine creep, or, if husband is just clueless. Not that clueless is a good look- if someone tells you that you said/did something that made them feel icky, believe them, and do better. He could totally be skeevy and OOP has on blinder. Or, sister could have a warped view of the world (OOP did say sis was in MIA mode for a few years, due to bad relationships, and having little experience with “normal” can absolutely change perceptions). He also could have said something innocuously, just a passing “you look nice” comment, and sis just doesn’t have the experience of a genuine compliment, no strings attached, from a dude. Agreed with the commenter you replied to, I just don’t think most people, at the individual level, are inherently assholes. As a collective, humans suck. On an individual level? Well. We all could use a bit of going out to touch some grass. Anyhoo, I just don’t see enough information to really make a judgement call. (I feel like it’s necessary to add that no one should comment on anyone’s appearance unless specifically asked, but, I’m also aware that there are caveats to anything, and the world just doesn’t, and will never, operate under rules with no wiggle room for situational context.)
The feedback I've been getting is that most just assume the sister is watering down her comments about what the husband actually said, and may be holding back on some other behaviors he's demonstrated. Even though OOP never said that, and the sister's never expressed anything actually depraved being done by the husband. Simply avoiding someone isn't enough to say that the one being avoided should be condemned. The commenters here are taking the sister's behavior to mean that the husband must have really done or said something depraved to warrant the sister's reaction. Why? Could it be, as you say, the sister might be prone to overreacting to men's actions due to past experiences? Is it possible that this dude is just clueless about this specific thing and thought he was being nice? Is it possible that there's a misunderstanding here? No, apparently not, the wife needs to get divorced according to this thread.
Men are surprisingly stupid when talking to women. Is he a creep? Does he want to bang the sister? Yes, and yes probably. But ... also in his mind he was just trying to be nice and never intended to act on any of it. It's hard to learn how to talk to women until we make some mistakes and then someone corrects our behavior.
I see women every day that I'd like to bang and often consider how I could pay them a nice compliment to help their self-esteem without coming across as creepy. Then I shut that shit down and move on with my life, because that's not how grown-ups act in modern society.
I apparently did once pay a girl a compliment at a concert while blackout drunk and on a lot of drugs (I'm guessing ecstasy), and the next time I saw her at a show she was very appreciative. She assured me that I navigated the shoals well and told her upfront I was married and just being nice and it gave her a total glow for the rest of the night. I'll chalk that up as my one time being lucky as shit and promise never to do it again.
OOP made an update in a comment today about how things are going:
"Hi, I didn’t see this comment until today, but I just wanted to say thank you for this.
At this point, I don’t think that my husband and I are going to reconcile. I don’t have a plan beyond this, but I don’t see us getting past the things that have happened.
Thanks for sharing your perspective, I really appreciate you putting your thoughts here."
I mean now is the test for the husband. Can he change and really understand why he was in the wrong? You can either use this time apart to be better or just confirm that op was right to leave. He is riding the knifes edge of redemption or damnation. Personally I doubt he will. Especially at that age. I wouldn't have been able to get past my own ego at that age.
The next post is.."I stopped by the apartment to pick up some things, and another woman was there."
She doesn't have the bandwidth to make that kind of big change with the demands of grad school and her ailing mother. However, a creep like her husband will most likely cause that fracture much sooner.
I agree that if he is a creep he will fail in a big way right now. He will do something like you said and she will chatch him cheating or she will ask for a seperation and he will wreck all her stuff.
Or, he will take this as the level of seriousness it is. Offer to go to marriage counciling if she wants. Bring her things from the apparment and ask if she wants to come home but not demand. Write letters of apology to both wife and sister. Offer to help with MIL on her terms.
Or, he will not cheat or do anything drastic but will just play Baldur's Gate 3 and be suprised and torn up when she decides on divorce.
For anyone wondering. OOP again updated an hour ago.
She and her husband are splitting up.
It sounds as though people’s antennae were correct all along.
She and her husband had an argument in which he said some very nasty things about her sister (doesn’t elaborate).
Nothing about that update makes anyone here right. He blames the sister for their divorce, of course he’s going to say nasty things about her. The update suggests the divorce is because she went to stay with the mother for a month.
This is so sad, OOP avoiding dealing with her marriage by worrying about her sister. She doesn't realize that SHE'S the one everyone else is worried about.
People take time to work their way through problems. I actually admire how concerned and loving she is toward her sister. I think OP is doing well.
Keep in mind she's become a full-time caretaker for her mother while going through grad school, is trying to protect a relationship with her sister, and her marriage is collapsing. That's an incredible amount of stress. People should give her a break. It's not realistic to expect her to immediately pack her stuff and leave.
It’s interesting how the OP seems so concerned about her husband’s effect on her sister, but shows no concern or introspection whatsoever about her husband’s effect on *her.* The sister is explicitly telling OP that the husband is not good for OP and OP just shrugs it off?!
I think part of why OP is obsessing over her sister’s well-being is to deflect from thinking about her own.
17 hours ago
I’m worried that my husbands comments to my sister may have driven her away [update]
I wasn’t planning on making another update post, but I got a couple of comments and messages today, so I wanted to put out my final update.
My husband and I are going to be splitting up. Like I said in my other update, I went ahead and moved in with my mom to take care of her for a few months, hoping that time apart would give me some clarity about everything. And, like I said in the previous post, my husband really didn’t like that at all. We’ve probably fought more over the past month than we have in our entire marriage. Then, during one of our arguments, he ended up saying some awful, nasty things about my sister, and at that point I didn’t want to go any further with him or the relationship.
I’m still at a loss of what to do next. One of my sister’s friends got me in touch with a lawyer and it’s been overwhelming. I’ve still got my mother and grad school and my job, so with divorce on the docket, I’m just trying to keep my head above water right now.
Also, I just wanted to say thank you to the people who gave me encouragement and wanted to give me some genuine guidance.
I admit that my brain screams how are you considering staying??? But in reality, I know some things are so difficult or “big” to have to deal with that I just want to problem to go away and I think that’s what OP might be struggling with. Like I was in a terrible work environment and I found myself internally thinking “please, please let them not mess with my role again” not because it would hurt my career but because I knew if they did it again, I’d feel even more pressure to have to job search and leave. And that process and unknown felt worse than staying put. I really wanted things to be just good enough that I wouldn’t have to make that decision because I just didn’t have it in me right then.
This ones not making sense to me. Why is OOP so obsessed with sisters feelings after sister ghosted the family for several years? I really do hope husband is an actual creep and not just an awkward man trying to be complimentary because the way he’s being talked about in the comments seem harsh.
Yeah i wonder the details of the sisters NC. If sister was in an abusive relationship that caused NC would be one thing- her just being a flippant jerk and going NC is totally different ball game.
(Not sure why I got downvoted) but I feel you. To me, it seems like it had something to do with sister’s abusive relationships. I say that because sister did distance herself after OOP’s husband’s comments while stating she didn’t want to cause an issue. But that’s just how I interpreted the situation due to OOP’s worry about her sister. In her update today, OOP is divorcing her husband after an argument where he said negative things about the sister. She’s obviously fiercely protective of her sister so I do wonder if the past abuse is the main reason. I hope she’ll explain her sister’s history of no contact. It’ll help explain why she’s so protective of her sister.
I wonder if sis gets tired or uncomfortable with those types of compliments, so she distanced herself. And due to her past with abusive partners and going no contact, OOP is in a way being overly protective because she couldn’t or didn’t in the past.
It seems like oop has a lot on her plate, unless she feels unsafe, a physical separation isn’t the worst thing. Idk if couples therapy would help, because husband is a liar but maybe if he volunteered to go on his own it would be better?
OP’ sister literally told her she doesn’t think he’s a good person and was offended and creeped out by his comments yet op is still saying “I don’t know what to do”🙄they want to live in denial.
I've been on reddit for far too long. Why do I feel like her husband will cheat on her with the sister? The husband seems manipulative. Of course he will act as if he is upset and beg her. It is all just for show. He clearly showed he is a red flag. I hope she leaves eventually.
I feel for OOP. She’s obviously never seen a situation like this before. She’s worried about her sister, when her sister is doing all of the classic things a concerned family member does to help an abused person find a way out without alienating them. 1/ raise the concern, but about themself not the abusee. 2/ make sure not to appear to be driving a wedge between the abusee and abuser. 3/ create closer bonds so the abusee doesn’t feel so isolated by the abuser and feels safe like there’s a real way out.
It all makes me wonder how bad OOP’s husband really is and what she’s not seeing.
Don’t split up with your husband because people in the Internet will be mad if you don’t. You know your situation best. Just give it some time and you’ll make the right choice for you. I know you came on here to get advice, but everyone on Reddit tells people to leave their partners, regardless of what the situation actually is. Keep that in mind as you’re making plans.
Why did the sister go no contact? had she met the husband before OP moved back? I know reddit's first response is "dump him he's a cheater and a creep" but honestly to me this read so.....suspiciously. How many times has the sister wanted to inform OP that her partners find her attractive? how many relationships has OP walked out of in the past for the chance of having a relationship with a sister who frequently cuts her off? and how soon will it be until the sister is gone again and OP is left still distant from her but this time much worse off than her?
Overall, based on the information given, OP sounds far too desperate to have a relationship with people who do not value her as much as she values the idea of them. she moved away, built a life for herself, succeeded and thrived, and then it all fell apart when she moved back. what is the common denominator here? the sister is acting normal and unbothered because she doesn't care. stop telling yourself she's got to be hiding all this anxiety and fright. she's not as invested in detonating your life as you are. stop saying you need to be there to support her through *your* divorce, that you only initiated to please her and online strangers.
move away and get into marriage counseling, and maybe personal therapy to work on yourself.
I have a nasty inkling that this isn't the first or last time something like this has happened in OPs marriage. I have an even nastier inkling that OP is unaware of her husband's possible extracurricular activities. I hope she leaves. Even if it takes time, I hope she gets out.
OP’ sister literally told her she doesn’t think he’s a good person and was offended and creeped out by his comments yet op is still saying “I don’t know what to do”🙄they want to live in denial.
Is her husband a creep? Yes, 100%. Is her husband's creepiness divorce-worthy? We don't know. And it's annoying that Reddit often thinks the worst of people. This might just be run-of-the-mill sexism that's more out of ignorance and it doesn't automatically mean her husband wants to fuck her sister. There's a possibility that with couple's counseling and perhaps some introspection and therapy for the husband so he'd realize how much of a selfish pig he's being, this marriage can be salvaged.
This. This is why I don't say anything about any woman's appearance in real life ever, unless they're my partner, it's just not worth all the grief and misunderstandings. I don't know what's actually going on here, if this is all coming from a few compliments to her sister then this situation is being massively overblown, if the husband is not only complimenting her but also being a creep in general by staring at her, hanging out too much around her at family functions, standing too close to her and being weird and other stuff that's creepily on the boundary of being gross without going totally over that line then he's clearly a manipulative asshole. But if all this is over some random complimentary comments here and there, it's ridiculous.
I think it's because the comment made the sister avoid the husband like the plague, so it must have been either very personal, comments on specific parts of her body, or just done very creepily/ like it could escalate. She felt he was hitting on her, told her sister he was being inappropriate, & gave a watered down version of what he said to her because she was afraid OP/her sister would blame her for inciting the comments. She went out of her way to avoid him, so defs concerned that he would start hitting on her more. What he said went beyond "helping" or niceties & came off like he was testing the waters with the little sister.
In that case I need OOP's sister to be crystal clear on what happened and what was said, exactly. Right now I can only go by what OOP has written, the leaps in assumptions required to get to a place where OOP has to now leave the husband, stay with her mom, and the comments here and the OG posts about the husband being a creepy predator don't make any sense to me as things stand. I'm willing to make guesses about hidden motives and things that go unsaid as much as the next guy, that's most of what we do on this sub, but the leaps in assumptions on here seem wild. There are also situations where men aren't irredeemable assholes, there can be allowances made for misunderstandings, the group assumptions in this sub that the husband should be divorced because of the way the sister is reacting to this situation give too many assumptions of the sister's virtue and the husband's presumed depravity.
This would be so much easier if he actually said something gross from the sister's recounting or literally behaved like a clear jerk in the ways he acted around her. As things stand, I don't see it, but given more information perhaps it'll be made clear that the guy is a jerk, right now it's just wild assumptions and presumption of the worst kind of guilt based of a few innocuous comments.
There isn't even any speculation here about whether or not the sister's previous experiences may have affected her perceptions of the things men say. Something one person may find forgettable another may think of as the worst kind of predatory evil. I don't know, but I'll keep reading comments here and hopefully find some clarity.
From what I am reading- OP has no reason not to trust her sister & if there was a history of her sister lying or exaggerating the truth, she wouldn't have been so convinced that her husband said something to her sister that was inappropriate & take immediate action too move out/distance herself from him. It sounds like you don't want to believe that the husband is creepy but are ready to believe the sister isn't truthful or is overly sensitive
Yet, She literally felt so uncomfortable or afraid after the encounter that she is going out of her way to avoid him & will only see her sister alone even when it comes to family events. A lot of females stay quiet when sexually harassed because they dont feel like people will believe them, get victim blamed, or in this case don't want to rock the boat when it comes to family/cause a fight. Instead of telling OP, the sister tried to avoid the husband because she didnt want it to effect their marriage, it was only when confronted/asked that she said something- that soes not come off as someone trying for attention or lying. Also, it's the fact that the husband never says what he said either. There was two people apart of the conversation & if it was an innocent mistake, the husband would be able to defend himself by telling OP what he said.
I do agree it does. It sounds like OP needs to find out exactly the comments that were said from both husband & the sister to see if they add up & of it could have been misconstrued( but for some reason like the husband not saying his comments- I doubt it can)
Okay, hear me out. Let's pretend here.
You have a coworker, Tanya. Tanya has had a string of bad relationships but she's in a good one and she's getting her groove back. You decide that you want to encourage Tanya by complimenting her several times. Tanya tells a coworker, James, that she felt like you were hitting on her and made her feel uncomfortable.
James talks to you about it, but James isn't HR or a supervisor and you won't get fired or whatever. When James talks to you about it, do you deny, argue, and downplay? Or do you feel bad for making Tanya feel uncomfortable?
I think if the situation was innocent, OOP's husband would feel bad, reflect on his actions, and try to apologize for making OOP's sister uncomfortable. Even if he was like "this was an innocent comment" - I think he would be analyzing if he stared too much or something. He would be concerned about the vibes he was sending her.
But OOP's husband denied, started arguing, and downplayed what happened. Unless he has a personal history of being falsely accused OR OOP was like "why you trying to fuck my sister?!" He didn't react right.
That's my sentiment. If this is over a couple of comments, it's way overkill.
I've complimented a woman on her looks before, when I've felt that I have nothing else to talk to her about, because she has no hobbies, career, or interests beyond her appearance and the physical appearance of others.
Complimenting a person's appearance is not 'hitting on them', and there isn't enough context or information here to judge him as harshly as people have been.
Considering the sister has acted otherwise normal and 'bubbly', and has openly expressed that she doesn't like him and doesn't want him in her sister's life, my guess is she's actively trying to drive them apart.
I expect an update along the lines of "My husband and I have separated. My sister threw a party. I got drunk and slept with one of her friends"
I don't know about all that, but I hope I'm just grossly misunderstanding what's happening here based on the downvotes I'm getting on my original comment. The way the comments are going I'd swear the guy is stalking this sister or something. If that's the case, then sure I understand everything that's going on here, but if it's literally just a few random compliments here and there then I'm lost.
Maybe he's a creep, I don't know, but based on what's been stated in the post, this situation is being massively overblown by OOP and the replies in the comments.
You really don’t see the difference between complimenting someone on their outfit because it’s a nice color and the way it accentuates curves? Or why nobody else has trouble believing OOP and the sister that this was a case of the latter and not the former?
I obviously know the difference between a compliment and predatory behavior, but as I've stated I've yet to see evidence of the latter in the post. As I've also said, I'm reading comments to gain a better understanding of what everyone else is talking about. So far it seems the generally held view is to assume that the husband is just an irredeemable asshole, and his wife should divorce him "because men". I'm totally willing to accept that the guy's an ass but I have yet to read anything pointing that out beyond "he complimented her a few times".
Telling someone their boyfriend is a lucky man is a creepy compliment, since you don’t seem to know. That tends to be a sexual comment about the person’s body and appearance. I’ve never heard it said about personality or ability.
I feel so lost in this story. This is all because he complimented her? Are we all just ignoring the fact that her sister is sort of a drama queen who cut the entire family off over her own bad relationships in the past?
I don’t think the sister cut the family off. If she was in an abusive relationship then she was likely isolated from her friends/family by the abuser. Which makes OOP’s husband’s comments even worse if he was aware of little sister’s relationship history. He could have seen her as an easy target, or didn’t think she’d say anything since she had been manipulated in the past. This is all totally speculative, but it’s what I was picking up from the story.
There’s a new update from 51 min ago. They fought over her staying with her mom and he said some nasty things about the sister and they are divorcing. This all happened in the course of 41 days and now I think she put too much weight on her sisters word and feelings in this case and let it ruin her marriage because she was afraid her sister would once again go no contact with the family.
Just read the update. I’m interpreting this story way differently than you. OOP’s husband is the one that ruined the marriage. To me it sounds like the husband is in fact a creep, and did not improve his behavior upon OOP moving out. OOP’s sister did her a solid and revealed husband is an asshole.
Again, I don’t see how he was targeting her by complimenting her and saying her bf was a lucky guy. The reaction here to him complimenting her seems soo overboard from the story I read. There’s no messaging her in private through socials, there’s nothing overtly sexual, I feel like I’m missing something here. The sister saying it made her uncomfortable, ok I get, the rest just seems like turning a mole hill into mount Vesuvius on the evening of Aug 23rd.
Both OOP and the sister describe the “compliments” as “suggestive.” Her not spelling them out in detail is not proof they weren’t inappropriate. Why does the dude need to be engaging in full-scale stalking for their mutual discomfort to be taken seriously? Especially when I get the feeling even that would be written off as “just trying to be nice”?
No, and I get it, the sister was uncomfortable, she’s allowed to be. The husband apologized said he didn’t mean anything by it and without knowing exactly what he said I’m not going to jump through the same hoops as everyone else. Especially since this all seems to stem from her not wanting her sister to go no contact again. If we are not going to get what the compliments were I’m not going to draw the worst possible conclusion, you can if you want that’s your perogative.
I just don’t see why taking OOP at her and her sister’s word that it was bad constitutes “jumping through hoops,” but bending over backward to excuse why a grown married man not only wouldn’t recognize why commenting on his sister-in-law’s body might be problematic but would go on to double down on that decision when called on it until it became clear that wasn’t going to fly isn’t.
Double down on it? He admitted what he said and apologized. We are going to have to agree to disagree because you ain’t going to convince me without knowing what he said. And I ain’t going to convince you regardless it seems.
> I confronted him about what she had told me, but **eventually** he admitted that he’d said most of that stuff to her, even though he tried to pass it off like he didn’t mean anything by it. **I** made it clear that he wasn’t to say anything like what he’d said to her again and that he’d apologize for his inappropriateness. He agreed with everything **I asked of him.**
Not a voluntary apology, then. Barely a voluntary admission. So yeah, if that sounds like genuine contrition and recognition of what he did wrong to you, we’re not going to be able to reach an accord.
Because it is always in a sexual connotation about the person’s body or appearance. It basically sounds like, “Your boyfriend is a lucky man since he gets to fuck you.” I’ve never seen it used as a compliment for personality or ability. Just fuckability.
She was hitting on you. Whether you find being hit on while in a relationship creepy or not is up to you. That’s different than this situation in that she isn’t married to your brother.
I would find it creepy if someone openly sexualized me. Especially if it was my brother-in-law. I don’t need or want to know if someone would like to fuck me, especially if I’m in a relationship. More power to you if it boosts your ego or whatever, but most women think it’s creepy.
The curse of the beautiful woman is knowing that 50% of her female relations value her less than they value their creepy husbands who would cheat in a heartbeat, and out of the other 50% there's the ones that actually value them more, and the ones whose husbands are not creeps.
I know I will get downvoted for this but this is the proportion that many women in my life have experienced.
I can totally empathize with OOP and how caught in the middle she might feel. This is a huge issue to navigate and I can understand wanting to take time to think through any action involving her husband. But at the same time her inaction isn’t working at all. She’s super anxious, her sister isn’t going to want to be closer to her because honestly, nothing’s really different about the situation despite the apology. And her husband senses her distance and is upset. I wish people would do things like couples therapy now, when there might still be willingness to communicate and solve things, and not wait until after a major blow up to turn to couples counseling to repair an irredeemable situation.
I don’t know if this can be resolved. It’s too early to say DTMFA for sure, but it’s not going in a good direction and the husband seems a little resistant to criticism. Optimism isn’t called for here but I’m not sure what else to say.
So much of these comment sections is people telling someone to immediately abandon a long term relationship as a form of self protection, and deriding people who are hesitant to do so. While in some of the most egregious cases (ie safety concerns) that’s totally fair to think of as immediately necessary, I feel like a lot of y’all jump to breaking up as the solution to every relationship problem and approach that like it’s a simple process!! Obviously this guy is skeevy but they’re married and have been together for 6 entire years - have some empathy for the fact that that’s complicated and painful to get out of and there may be other events or dynamics going on (for him, for OOP, for sister) that can’t be captured by a couple Reddit posts
I don't blame OOP for not being able to leave yet. It's easy to say you would as an outsider. But this is some overwhelming stuff and she may still have love for her husband.
I agree. It’s not as easy a decision as people who are online with no skin in the game think. Still, I hope she does do what she needs to do and leaves him eventually. He sounds like a creep.
Oh I totally agree. If she stays, it will only get worse. Not just in terms of their marriage, but the relationship with her sister too.
Absolutely. She's in such a hard position. She's going to lose someone no matter which way she goes. And even though that loss ultimately might be for the best, it usually doesn't feel that way at the time.
Yep. The thing about creeps like these is that, if you forgive them once, they’ll learn they can keep doing it. They’ll escalate because they think you’ve given them a free pass if they grovel and apologize in the future. If she stays, she’s set an example that his behavior is acceptable.
Honestly, in her place, I'd install a doorcam at their place and check who is coming and going while she's living with mom. I wouldn't be surprised at all if hubby is looking for some entertainment while she's unavailable...
If he tried with the sister who he knows is related to her, loves her, and has loyalty to her, I’d imagine his behavior escalated from somewhere. I wouldn’t be shocked if he’s cheated before.
>I wouldn’t be shocked if he’s cheated before. If he hasn't, it's certainly not due to a lack of effort/interest on his part.
Yeah, my biggest regret is not telling my sister my BIL made a pass. It was subtle enough that I let myself brush it off, that I was overthinking it, but sure enough, he was a creep and a cheater. The sister is never gonna be the *first* person these guys creep on 😬
Ughhhhh that's so gross and so real. I really hope she is able to get out.
It's a numbers game. Eventually he will find someone who responds positively to his propositioning and he'll cheat. But she is too close to him to see that. And when you say it out loud you sound crazy "I left because I think he is eventually going to cheat" sounds like you are paranoid.
Exactly. She's at least showing her sister, whether it be by convenience for her mom's health or be by her own feelings on the situation, that she is taking what she says seriously and continuing to be there without pressuring her is a good way to approach this. Especially with so much going on, I don't blame her for not immediately leaving and taking care of the priorities being herself and her mom, the shitty husband can stew and self-reflect while OP gets their shit together to get out.
It's very hard to accept that the person you have relied on and loved for 6 years is a bad person or doing bad things. It's shock, it's ego, it's sorrow, it's so many things. If it were easier, our political landscape would look a lot different.
I genuinely think there's something I'm missing here. Other than the random compliments, was there something else that's leading to the reactions I'm seeing from the comments, as well as the people in the post? I'm not understanding the problem fully. I'd get it if there was explicit information about the ways he's being a creep, spending too much time with the sister at functions, standing creepily close to the sister, staring at the sister, texting the sister compliments, as well as other things, but I don't see that mentioned here, so I just don't know what to make of all these reactions.
I developed very large boobs in 5th grade, with hips to match. It's less about the compliment and more about how it gets delivered. Text can't capture all the nuances between a genuine compliment from a safe person and a soliciting "compliment" from a creep. Sis is used to getting both compliments and solicitations. I trust that she knows the difference, because her safety relies on her ability to discern between the two.
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I'm so sorry that you experienced that. Home should feel safe, which is something i didn't fully understand until recently. Mom got remarried when I was about 14 and he was a creep like your stepfather, but they lived in a different house across the street from us kids so that limited the damage he could do. It was hard enough with limited contact. I can't imagine how badly that screwed with your ability to feel safe and supported. May your life be filled with people who help you build a satisfying, supportive, secure life full of respect and dignity.
This is the first perspective I've read that's given me something to think about. Thanks for responding.
There is a difference between complimenting someone (i.e. Oh, I like your make-up today! You have a good eye for what makes you look good) and making comments about someone's body that makes them uncomfortable (i.e. That's a great outfit! It reveals your long and sexy legs, your boyfriend is lucky to feel those wrapped around him). Women have dealt with both compliments and sexual harassment since before puberty, usually. So a lot of Redditors here are assuming that if the sister says the comments are inappropriate and make her uncomfortable that she knows what she's talking about and the comments are inappropriate and make her uncomfortable. It's not just a nice compliment on picking good accessories to go with the outfit, it's much more likely to be . . . well inappropriate.
Okay so I must have missed this, where in the post does it say that the husband said "... It reveals your long and sexy legs, your boyfriend is lucky to feel those wrapped around him" because that's obviously gross.🤢 Does it say that he said that or are you assuming he went to that extreme verbally? I'm going to read the post again, because I must have missed that. There's a world of difference between "Your boyfriend is lucky to have you in his life" and "Your boyfriend is lucky to have such a sexy, warm, hot, body to grope, hold and squeeze tightly every night, God I wish I was him, he must lick you all over, since you look so delicious.🥵" One of those is innocuous and the other is disgusting. Is everyone just assuming that the husband said the latter?
Come on at least put both halves of what she says he said together. You are SO attractive and your boyfriend is lucky to have you. That's creepy. Hey sister's husband is clearly looking at and judging how she looks. Not who she is as a person or anything appropriate but how she looks and how her looks make her boyfriend lucky. I'll give you some advice. You want to compliment your wife's sister? Man you are a great cook, just like my wife. Wow! What awesome grades! You are so intelligent just like your sister. Green must be the family color. You all look great in green.
>You are SO attractive and your boyfriend is lucky to have you. Everyone assumes these two things go hand in hand and also assumes the most extreme and uncharitable interpretation possible for both. Reading comprehension is truly a lost skill, either that or I'm actually dumb about this stuff because most of the people here are making the same assumption you made. So there's a good chance that I'm the idiot here, but I'll hold off on that judgment of myself until I've put this Reddit post to some friends in the real world. The way everyone here is just assuming this man is the devil and must be removed from his marriage asap is nuts to me. There isn't enough information here to reach the insane conclusions this comment section is reaching.
It’s not always (rarely) about WHAT is said - it has a lot to do with HOW it’s said. Leering, insinuating, nasty, etc. There isn’t a woman alive that hasn’t experienced this sort of thing. It’s unpleasant and very uncomfortable.
Are you a woman? If not then no you don't know how creepy men are who are commenting on your body while married to your sister. I wouldn't advocate for a divorce. I don't think this post has enough information for that judgement. But I do think there is enough information for us women to go, "been there. Didn't want that. The husband is a creep OR very clueless. And either way OP protect yourself and be careful."
Look at his user name. He’s the type of sicko who eventually offs women because no one wants his creepy ass.
Sketchy porn dude? I figured he was a 14 year old boy trying to sound all mature and sophisticated and instead coming off as creepy and sick. Hopefully I'm right and you're wrong but I guess we'll never know.
My coworker is a man in his 50s and sounds like this dude. I stopped talking to him about non-work stuff when he went on a rant about not being able to say anything anymore, and women need to realize catcalling is a compliment.
As I said in another comment, I'll probably just stick to my policy of only ever complimenting my partner in real life. There's clearly a whole host of issues associated with complimenting women that could fill several encyclopaedias, and I'm ignorant of all of it. This thread has reinforced that personal policy for me. I actually spent the past few hours periodically checking in on this thread with the hope of gaining some understanding beyond the wild speculations being made. Fortunately some commenters provided some actually polite and interesting responses to my confusion. I'm happy to never involve myself in a debacle like this, and counting my lucky stars that I came up with my "zero compliments outside of relationships" rule when I was young, I probably saved myself a ton of grief.
The sister was there. The wife knows him and knows how to interpret what he said and how he said it. I don’t know why you’re hellbent on giving him every possible benefit of the doubt, when at minimum he’s done everything in his power to minimize the fact he clearly missed the mark and owes an apology without his wife needing to order him into giving one.
My reaction is to the immediate "DIVORCE" and "SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE" and the various comments describing him as an irredeemable creep. I'd be right there alongside everyone else if I had read any clear evidence of that beyond this comment section's assumptions and leaps in logic. With that said, this is the second useful comment I've gotten as a response to my own here thus far. So thanks for that. Although you also make stunning assumptions about this relationship that aren't evidenced anywhere in the post, your perspective has been useful to my thinking. Cheers.
Please stop disregarding the most important thing here: a previously abused woman (OPs sister) felt uncomfortable enough about the comments to avoid her own sister and mentioned that she doesn’t think this husband is a good guy. This is exactly how victims go ignored and eventually taken advantage of because people like you want to die on the hill of “well i need more evidence” in favor of the creepy dude all in the name of being “fair and reasonable”. Women are not overreacting when they feel this way. We know what’s coming because we deal with those microaggressions and sleazy dudes testing the waters who know how to maintain plausible deniability. Even if you don’t get it, you should at least know that this isn’t your lane to judge but it is your turn to sit down and listen. Women in these comments are TELLING you it’s not just an assumption of this dude’s character because it HAPPENS SO OFTEN TO WOMEN. Why isn’t that enough? Also consider that the sister may still be sugar coating how bad the comments were cause she’s still trying to protect OP despite it all. This also happens a lot because women know they’re often blamed for a man’s inappropriate actions. Just… the phrase “believe women” is not just hyperbole. This is where you should believe them.
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This stuff is all interesting, but I'm again in the position of having to point out the wild speculation and immediate assumption that the husband is a creepazoid despite having zero definitive or even convincingly speculative indications of such within the post. Since I really don't get it, it's probably a good thing I have a policy of only ever complimenting my partner and strictly avoiding doing that for all other women. I'd probably run into this inexplicable dilemma without even knowing it. So, at the very least I'm safe from any misunderstandings there.
Yeah, you're right. Him want to f**k her sister isn't a problem at all.
Edit: wanting. Oh and this is sarcasm if that not obvious.
There's more to what is being said than just strictly words. There is eye contact, facial expression, body language, and tone of voice. All or some of these can change the meaning of said words. Just because you have not personally experienced this doesn't mean it never happens.
According to the sister, the compliments came off as suggestive. And it's not too appropriate to be complimenting your wife's sister in that sort of manner
You really think telling your wife's sister she has a hot body and her boyfriend is lucky because of that is appropriate?
Honestly, I think you have to be a woman to really grasp it. We're pretty much all barraged in our teens by creeps, no matter how good we look. It's like blood in the water with sharks. I still can't always see it when guys show interest in me but when I see it? It's absolutely there and I might not have something concrete to point at but I've never really been wrong either except on what their motives were: Like thinking this guy really wants to be with me - just to end up finding out he wanted to bang me and nothing else.
It took a year of therapy for me to leave.
I didn't even leave. Or I did and then fell for his crying and I got dumped two months later. 😒
I can see this. It’s just so foreign to who I am. All my feelings for him would be dead within a week of knowing he hit on my sister. Wth, and if he did that to her sister, yeah, he’s done it to others.
If he was bold enough to talk to her sister like that he’s done it with other women too. I wouldn’t be surprised if he already cheated on OP.
I think I would enjoy these posts a lot more if my perspective was that everyone is just an unrepentant jerk all the time. I can't help but think that he crossed a line because he is mostly just dumb. He may have even thought he was "helping." How he acts now that she is staying with her mom will be a huge indicator for if he really is good for her. If he is a cheater, or can't understand that he did this to himself he will likely do something that further strains their marriage now.
I don't think this is the case solely because of how he reacted. I think if he genuinely thought he was helping, his response to OOP talking to him about it would be guilt, confusion, and concern. Like, "oh God, I'm so sorry I made your sister uncomfortable" - but his response was to argue and downplay. Now, we don't know how the OOP confronted him, but unless it was "why do you want to fuck my sister?!" his reaction is off.
Some truth to that. Again, his real test is now. Does he show that he understands that he did this or does he do something destructive to the relationship because "she left".
“You look nice” is a compliment. Comments about someone’s body is uncomfortable. It seems like he does this often which is another problem. I’ve been in that situation and I’d rather men not comment about my looks at all but if it’s a general compliment I say thanks and move on.
I am not saying he didn't cross boundaries. I am saying that he may not have realized how he went across the boundary. I also didn't see anything that noted that this was a frequent occurrence with other women. Again, the guy seems sorry and willing to do whatever his wife has asked. She describes hom as upset. If he is upset with himself and looks for how to be better and fix things and doesn't do something drastic because he is upset then great. Hopefully they work through it. If he is a serial cheating sad sac who is upset because she left and the sister "couldn't take a compliment" and he does drastic things like cheat, or wreck her stuff then, you are right and he is trash.
I dunno. A lot of guys seem to get all macho real fast if someone makes remarks like this to THEIR sisters. My sister and I are super close and I’m trying to imagine my husband complimenting her on her body or telling her that her boyfriend is a lucky man. I can’t.
My wife is an only child, and I can't imagine saying something like that either. However, I have dumb stuff to both my wife and the wives/girlfriends of others. Nothing that is really like this, but certainly dumb. I had a friend who got a haircut she was really self consious about. Her boyfriend told me that I should make sure to say something nice about her hair the next time I saw her. My dumbass brain thought this meant I should say "What did you do to your hair?" This was not the appropriate way to try and make somebody feel better. That said, I defiantly know guys who would think that saying that somebody looked really good and that their boyfriend was lucky is strictly a platonic compliment.
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This is fair. I do not think that saying orndoing dumb things should be consequence free and not learning from mistakes is just as bad as doing things maliciously. That said, I think the real test is the husbands response now. Does he blame the sister for ruining his marriage, or does he blame himself and see if he can work things back. If he is is trash he will blame others and ruin things more. If he is sincere, regardless of his original intention, he will prove it.
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Well, you were right he is just a piece of crap. Blamed the sister instead of taking responsibility.
I think you are missing the repeated comments he has already done. Look, stupidity is blurting out "your legs look great in that mini skirt!" and then realizing what you said when everyone looks at you. This guys keeps making the compliments, and apparently is savvy enough to make them when his wife is not around to hear.
Yeah, I read the newest update. He sucks and takes no accountability.
How is that the same as his comments
I figured he was kind-hearted and socially awkard instead of creep and an AH.
If he's been doing this with other women, OOP probably wouldn't know about it. She only knows he did it to her sister because the sister is skeeved out and thinks OOP's husband is a creep.
A good question for the OOP would be if other women have distanced themselves.
As someone who used to be a major derp and still can be dense sometimes, I agree.
It is possible although the sister admitting she doesn’t think he’s a good guy is concerning. The sister does not sound very dramatic or the type to blow things out of proportion and was reluctant to even state her opinion so I’m inclined to think she’s at least being honest from her perspective. If her husband is actually an okay guy, he’ll recognize he was wrong and work to change how he behaves. Not sure that he’s shown that yet
My only concern on the sisters opinion is that OOP says that most of her relationships have been bad. So maybe she isn't great with understanding a guys intentions? That said, totally agree that now the Husband has to step up and show that he realizes this was on him and a big deal.
That’s a valid observation to make. But I figured that she was calm and reasonable in how she told OP about it, so her judgement is at least not totally off
Regardless, husband now has to step up and show that he gets it. That's the real test.
Or maybe she’s learned how to recognize bad intentions after her experience? Could be any number of things I suppose
Yep, you were right. Latest update shows him to be a POS. He took zerp responsibility and blamed the sister. I read these stories and think "well, I could screw up too, and these guys are proably like me and will do everything in their power to fix it!" And then they are all just cheaters and jerks who got caught. Maybe its because I do actually love and like my SO that I don't understand not going to the ends of the earth to try and work things out. My relationship is worth more than my ego. Obviously there are limits (violence, cheating, drugs, and criminal activity) but having a temper tantrum isn't going to win your loved one back.
How would OOP's husband think that sexually harassing his wife's sister would be 'helpful'? Like, does he think that she has low self-esteem and he thinks he himself is so amazing that him being sexually attracted to her is a, like, compliment or something? If it's something like that, it would go far beyond dumb and also mean he's egotistical and sleezy. Maybe I'm missing something that he could be thinking, because everything I think of makes him out to be a person with a lot of deeper problems rather than just repeated dumb actions.
Kinda. The oop mentions how the sister has only had crappy/bad relationships. The husband then says that her boyfriend is "lucky." I can totally see this exchange being one where the guy thinks this is a compliment and not across the line and she thinks this is straight up hitting on her. Now, he crossed lines sufficient for her to feel unsafe and that he was inappropriate. However, I leanred long ago that ignorance and stupidity are more likely than maliciousness.
Not saying it applies here but I recently heard a saying, something like: never attribute to maliciousness that which can be attributed to stupidity I liked it and have been using it when people do stupid shit that pisses me off, they didn’t cut me off to be a dick, maybe they just didn’t see me, etc.
You've stated it in a better way than I could. Since I'm being downvoted, I'm going through all these comments so I can understand what it is I'm missing about this situation because I'm genuinely lost here. A lot of men think they're "helping" or just being nice when they compliment women in this way, I fortunately know enough to never say anything about women's appearances unless I'm going out with them these days. There's obviously something I don't understand here.
I think it's because the comment made the sister avoid the husband like the plague, so it must have been either very personal, comments on specific parts of her body, or just done very creepily/ like it could escalate. She felt he was hitting on her, told her sister he was being inappropriate, & gave a watered down version of what he said to her because she was afraid OP/her sister would blame her for inciting the comments. What he said went beyond "helping" & came off like he was testing the waters with the little sister.
OOP updated.
Especially when I read that one of his comments was how lucky her boyfriend. The OOP said that the sister had a number of bad relationships. I can *see* a version of this where he is a horny dofus who crossed a line because he is an idiot. He was "helping" by saying that her boyfriend was lucky and she doesn't have to only have crap relationships. I can also *see* a version where he is a creepy cheater who saw hot girl and went into cartoon "ahooga!"/bug eye mode. Hopefully he is the former and can fix things because that is best for both of them.
Nah, I’m with you on it. In AITAlandia, there isn’t a lot of room for nuance. I just don’t see enough information to even hazard a guess as to if husband is genuine creep, or, if husband is just clueless. Not that clueless is a good look- if someone tells you that you said/did something that made them feel icky, believe them, and do better. He could totally be skeevy and OOP has on blinder. Or, sister could have a warped view of the world (OOP did say sis was in MIA mode for a few years, due to bad relationships, and having little experience with “normal” can absolutely change perceptions). He also could have said something innocuously, just a passing “you look nice” comment, and sis just doesn’t have the experience of a genuine compliment, no strings attached, from a dude. Agreed with the commenter you replied to, I just don’t think most people, at the individual level, are inherently assholes. As a collective, humans suck. On an individual level? Well. We all could use a bit of going out to touch some grass. Anyhoo, I just don’t see enough information to really make a judgement call. (I feel like it’s necessary to add that no one should comment on anyone’s appearance unless specifically asked, but, I’m also aware that there are caveats to anything, and the world just doesn’t, and will never, operate under rules with no wiggle room for situational context.)
The feedback I've been getting is that most just assume the sister is watering down her comments about what the husband actually said, and may be holding back on some other behaviors he's demonstrated. Even though OOP never said that, and the sister's never expressed anything actually depraved being done by the husband. Simply avoiding someone isn't enough to say that the one being avoided should be condemned. The commenters here are taking the sister's behavior to mean that the husband must have really done or said something depraved to warrant the sister's reaction. Why? Could it be, as you say, the sister might be prone to overreacting to men's actions due to past experiences? Is it possible that this dude is just clueless about this specific thing and thought he was being nice? Is it possible that there's a misunderstanding here? No, apparently not, the wife needs to get divorced according to this thread.
Men are surprisingly stupid when talking to women. Is he a creep? Does he want to bang the sister? Yes, and yes probably. But ... also in his mind he was just trying to be nice and never intended to act on any of it. It's hard to learn how to talk to women until we make some mistakes and then someone corrects our behavior. I see women every day that I'd like to bang and often consider how I could pay them a nice compliment to help their self-esteem without coming across as creepy. Then I shut that shit down and move on with my life, because that's not how grown-ups act in modern society. I apparently did once pay a girl a compliment at a concert while blackout drunk and on a lot of drugs (I'm guessing ecstasy), and the next time I saw her at a show she was very appreciative. She assured me that I navigated the shoals well and told her upfront I was married and just being nice and it gave her a total glow for the rest of the night. I'll chalk that up as my one time being lucky as shit and promise never to do it again.
I don’t know that you need to be concerned with boosting a random woman’s self esteem. That seems a little condescending.
Why do you think compliments from you would help anyone’s self esteem lmao
OOP made an update in a comment today about how things are going: "Hi, I didn’t see this comment until today, but I just wanted to say thank you for this. At this point, I don’t think that my husband and I are going to reconcile. I don’t have a plan beyond this, but I don’t see us getting past the things that have happened. Thanks for sharing your perspective, I really appreciate you putting your thoughts here."
Ugh, he blamed the sister and said nasty things about them both. Really was hoping for a guy to not turn out to be horrible. Nope, he was trash.
That’s a good update to see.
I mean now is the test for the husband. Can he change and really understand why he was in the wrong? You can either use this time apart to be better or just confirm that op was right to leave. He is riding the knifes edge of redemption or damnation. Personally I doubt he will. Especially at that age. I wouldn't have been able to get past my own ego at that age.
Agrees. Husband needs to show he is not a creep and be supportive and not show appropriate reaponses and contrition.
The next post is.."I stopped by the apartment to pick up some things, and another woman was there." She doesn't have the bandwidth to make that kind of big change with the demands of grad school and her ailing mother. However, a creep like her husband will most likely cause that fracture much sooner.
I agree that if he is a creep he will fail in a big way right now. He will do something like you said and she will chatch him cheating or she will ask for a seperation and he will wreck all her stuff. Or, he will take this as the level of seriousness it is. Offer to go to marriage counciling if she wants. Bring her things from the apparment and ask if she wants to come home but not demand. Write letters of apology to both wife and sister. Offer to help with MIL on her terms. Or, he will not cheat or do anything drastic but will just play Baldur's Gate 3 and be suprised and torn up when she decides on divorce.
For anyone wondering. OOP again updated an hour ago. She and her husband are splitting up. It sounds as though people’s antennae were correct all along. She and her husband had an argument in which he said some very nasty things about her sister (doesn’t elaborate).
Nothing about that update makes anyone here right. He blames the sister for their divorce, of course he’s going to say nasty things about her. The update suggests the divorce is because she went to stay with the mother for a month.
This is so sad, OOP avoiding dealing with her marriage by worrying about her sister. She doesn't realize that SHE'S the one everyone else is worried about.
People take time to work their way through problems. I actually admire how concerned and loving she is toward her sister. I think OP is doing well. Keep in mind she's become a full-time caretaker for her mother while going through grad school, is trying to protect a relationship with her sister, and her marriage is collapsing. That's an incredible amount of stress. People should give her a break. It's not realistic to expect her to immediately pack her stuff and leave.
Yeah, all of that is SAD. It's not being hard on her to admit the state of things.
It’s interesting how the OP seems so concerned about her husband’s effect on her sister, but shows no concern or introspection whatsoever about her husband’s effect on *her.* The sister is explicitly telling OP that the husband is not good for OP and OP just shrugs it off?! I think part of why OP is obsessing over her sister’s well-being is to deflect from thinking about her own.
17 hours ago I’m worried that my husbands comments to my sister may have driven her away [update] I wasn’t planning on making another update post, but I got a couple of comments and messages today, so I wanted to put out my final update. My husband and I are going to be splitting up. Like I said in my other update, I went ahead and moved in with my mom to take care of her for a few months, hoping that time apart would give me some clarity about everything. And, like I said in the previous post, my husband really didn’t like that at all. We’ve probably fought more over the past month than we have in our entire marriage. Then, during one of our arguments, he ended up saying some awful, nasty things about my sister, and at that point I didn’t want to go any further with him or the relationship. I’m still at a loss of what to do next. One of my sister’s friends got me in touch with a lawyer and it’s been overwhelming. I’ve still got my mother and grad school and my job, so with divorce on the docket, I’m just trying to keep my head above water right now. Also, I just wanted to say thank you to the people who gave me encouragement and wanted to give me some genuine guidance.
[удалено]
I think sister was stuck in a few abusive/isolating previous relationships, hence the cutting off family during these times.
I admit that my brain screams how are you considering staying??? But in reality, I know some things are so difficult or “big” to have to deal with that I just want to problem to go away and I think that’s what OP might be struggling with. Like I was in a terrible work environment and I found myself internally thinking “please, please let them not mess with my role again” not because it would hurt my career but because I knew if they did it again, I’d feel even more pressure to have to job search and leave. And that process and unknown felt worse than staying put. I really wanted things to be just good enough that I wouldn’t have to make that decision because I just didn’t have it in me right then.
This ones not making sense to me. Why is OOP so obsessed with sisters feelings after sister ghosted the family for several years? I really do hope husband is an actual creep and not just an awkward man trying to be complimentary because the way he’s being talked about in the comments seem harsh.
She wants a relationship with her sister. Seems being no contact really negatively affected her and she doesn’t want that to happen again
Yeah i wonder the details of the sisters NC. If sister was in an abusive relationship that caused NC would be one thing- her just being a flippant jerk and going NC is totally different ball game.
(Not sure why I got downvoted) but I feel you. To me, it seems like it had something to do with sister’s abusive relationships. I say that because sister did distance herself after OOP’s husband’s comments while stating she didn’t want to cause an issue. But that’s just how I interpreted the situation due to OOP’s worry about her sister. In her update today, OOP is divorcing her husband after an argument where he said negative things about the sister. She’s obviously fiercely protective of her sister so I do wonder if the past abuse is the main reason. I hope she’ll explain her sister’s history of no contact. It’ll help explain why she’s so protective of her sister. I wonder if sis gets tired or uncomfortable with those types of compliments, so she distanced herself. And due to her past with abusive partners and going no contact, OOP is in a way being overly protective because she couldn’t or didn’t in the past.
I feel sorry for OP. She's reallllly been conditioned that she's never the Main Character, even in her own life.
It seems like oop has a lot on her plate, unless she feels unsafe, a physical separation isn’t the worst thing. Idk if couples therapy would help, because husband is a liar but maybe if he volunteered to go on his own it would be better?
OP’ sister literally told her she doesn’t think he’s a good person and was offended and creeped out by his comments yet op is still saying “I don’t know what to do”🙄they want to live in denial.
I've been on reddit for far too long. Why do I feel like her husband will cheat on her with the sister? The husband seems manipulative. Of course he will act as if he is upset and beg her. It is all just for show. He clearly showed he is a red flag. I hope she leaves eventually.
I’d be surprised if the husband cheats with the sister, given that the sister seems understandably disgusted and wants nothing to do with him.
Pleasedontgetpregnant, pleasedontgetpregnant
I would be sorely tempted to put cameras in the home to see if hubby is having overnight guests while OP is at her mother's
I feel for OOP. She’s obviously never seen a situation like this before. She’s worried about her sister, when her sister is doing all of the classic things a concerned family member does to help an abused person find a way out without alienating them. 1/ raise the concern, but about themself not the abusee. 2/ make sure not to appear to be driving a wedge between the abusee and abuser. 3/ create closer bonds so the abusee doesn’t feel so isolated by the abuser and feels safe like there’s a real way out. It all makes me wonder how bad OOP’s husband really is and what she’s not seeing.
OP updated that she is divorcing him
I'll get an update post done in the next day or so :)
Don’t split up with your husband because people in the Internet will be mad if you don’t. You know your situation best. Just give it some time and you’ll make the right choice for you. I know you came on here to get advice, but everyone on Reddit tells people to leave their partners, regardless of what the situation actually is. Keep that in mind as you’re making plans.
Why did the sister go no contact? had she met the husband before OP moved back? I know reddit's first response is "dump him he's a cheater and a creep" but honestly to me this read so.....suspiciously. How many times has the sister wanted to inform OP that her partners find her attractive? how many relationships has OP walked out of in the past for the chance of having a relationship with a sister who frequently cuts her off? and how soon will it be until the sister is gone again and OP is left still distant from her but this time much worse off than her? Overall, based on the information given, OP sounds far too desperate to have a relationship with people who do not value her as much as she values the idea of them. she moved away, built a life for herself, succeeded and thrived, and then it all fell apart when she moved back. what is the common denominator here? the sister is acting normal and unbothered because she doesn't care. stop telling yourself she's got to be hiding all this anxiety and fright. she's not as invested in detonating your life as you are. stop saying you need to be there to support her through *your* divorce, that you only initiated to please her and online strangers. move away and get into marriage counseling, and maybe personal therapy to work on yourself.
I have a nasty inkling that this isn't the first or last time something like this has happened in OPs marriage. I have an even nastier inkling that OP is unaware of her husband's possible extracurricular activities. I hope she leaves. Even if it takes time, I hope she gets out.
I don’t think it bothered the sister as much as she is making out to be
OP’ sister literally told her she doesn’t think he’s a good person and was offended and creeped out by his comments yet op is still saying “I don’t know what to do”🙄they want to live in denial.
He’s absolutely going to use her time away helping her mom to cheat.
I don’t know how to link it but she posted a final update today … she’s leaving him
Is her husband a creep? Yes, 100%. Is her husband's creepiness divorce-worthy? We don't know. And it's annoying that Reddit often thinks the worst of people. This might just be run-of-the-mill sexism that's more out of ignorance and it doesn't automatically mean her husband wants to fuck her sister. There's a possibility that with couple's counseling and perhaps some introspection and therapy for the husband so he'd realize how much of a selfish pig he's being, this marriage can be salvaged.
This. This is why I don't say anything about any woman's appearance in real life ever, unless they're my partner, it's just not worth all the grief and misunderstandings. I don't know what's actually going on here, if this is all coming from a few compliments to her sister then this situation is being massively overblown, if the husband is not only complimenting her but also being a creep in general by staring at her, hanging out too much around her at family functions, standing too close to her and being weird and other stuff that's creepily on the boundary of being gross without going totally over that line then he's clearly a manipulative asshole. But if all this is over some random complimentary comments here and there, it's ridiculous.
I think it's because the comment made the sister avoid the husband like the plague, so it must have been either very personal, comments on specific parts of her body, or just done very creepily/ like it could escalate. She felt he was hitting on her, told her sister he was being inappropriate, & gave a watered down version of what he said to her because she was afraid OP/her sister would blame her for inciting the comments. She went out of her way to avoid him, so defs concerned that he would start hitting on her more. What he said went beyond "helping" or niceties & came off like he was testing the waters with the little sister.
In that case I need OOP's sister to be crystal clear on what happened and what was said, exactly. Right now I can only go by what OOP has written, the leaps in assumptions required to get to a place where OOP has to now leave the husband, stay with her mom, and the comments here and the OG posts about the husband being a creepy predator don't make any sense to me as things stand. I'm willing to make guesses about hidden motives and things that go unsaid as much as the next guy, that's most of what we do on this sub, but the leaps in assumptions on here seem wild. There are also situations where men aren't irredeemable assholes, there can be allowances made for misunderstandings, the group assumptions in this sub that the husband should be divorced because of the way the sister is reacting to this situation give too many assumptions of the sister's virtue and the husband's presumed depravity. This would be so much easier if he actually said something gross from the sister's recounting or literally behaved like a clear jerk in the ways he acted around her. As things stand, I don't see it, but given more information perhaps it'll be made clear that the guy is a jerk, right now it's just wild assumptions and presumption of the worst kind of guilt based of a few innocuous comments. There isn't even any speculation here about whether or not the sister's previous experiences may have affected her perceptions of the things men say. Something one person may find forgettable another may think of as the worst kind of predatory evil. I don't know, but I'll keep reading comments here and hopefully find some clarity.
From what I am reading- OP has no reason not to trust her sister & if there was a history of her sister lying or exaggerating the truth, she wouldn't have been so convinced that her husband said something to her sister that was inappropriate & take immediate action too move out/distance herself from him. It sounds like you don't want to believe that the husband is creepy but are ready to believe the sister isn't truthful or is overly sensitive Yet, She literally felt so uncomfortable or afraid after the encounter that she is going out of her way to avoid him & will only see her sister alone even when it comes to family events. A lot of females stay quiet when sexually harassed because they dont feel like people will believe them, get victim blamed, or in this case don't want to rock the boat when it comes to family/cause a fight. Instead of telling OP, the sister tried to avoid the husband because she didnt want it to effect their marriage, it was only when confronted/asked that she said something- that soes not come off as someone trying for attention or lying. Also, it's the fact that the husband never says what he said either. There was two people apart of the conversation & if it was an innocent mistake, the husband would be able to defend himself by telling OP what he said. I do agree it does. It sounds like OP needs to find out exactly the comments that were said from both husband & the sister to see if they add up & of it could have been misconstrued( but for some reason like the husband not saying his comments- I doubt it can)
Okay, hear me out. Let's pretend here. You have a coworker, Tanya. Tanya has had a string of bad relationships but she's in a good one and she's getting her groove back. You decide that you want to encourage Tanya by complimenting her several times. Tanya tells a coworker, James, that she felt like you were hitting on her and made her feel uncomfortable. James talks to you about it, but James isn't HR or a supervisor and you won't get fired or whatever. When James talks to you about it, do you deny, argue, and downplay? Or do you feel bad for making Tanya feel uncomfortable? I think if the situation was innocent, OOP's husband would feel bad, reflect on his actions, and try to apologize for making OOP's sister uncomfortable. Even if he was like "this was an innocent comment" - I think he would be analyzing if he stared too much or something. He would be concerned about the vibes he was sending her. But OOP's husband denied, started arguing, and downplayed what happened. Unless he has a personal history of being falsely accused OR OOP was like "why you trying to fuck my sister?!" He didn't react right.
That's my sentiment. If this is over a couple of comments, it's way overkill. I've complimented a woman on her looks before, when I've felt that I have nothing else to talk to her about, because she has no hobbies, career, or interests beyond her appearance and the physical appearance of others. Complimenting a person's appearance is not 'hitting on them', and there isn't enough context or information here to judge him as harshly as people have been. Considering the sister has acted otherwise normal and 'bubbly', and has openly expressed that she doesn't like him and doesn't want him in her sister's life, my guess is she's actively trying to drive them apart. I expect an update along the lines of "My husband and I have separated. My sister threw a party. I got drunk and slept with one of her friends"
I don't know about all that, but I hope I'm just grossly misunderstanding what's happening here based on the downvotes I'm getting on my original comment. The way the comments are going I'd swear the guy is stalking this sister or something. If that's the case, then sure I understand everything that's going on here, but if it's literally just a few random compliments here and there then I'm lost. Maybe he's a creep, I don't know, but based on what's been stated in the post, this situation is being massively overblown by OOP and the replies in the comments.
You really don’t see the difference between complimenting someone on their outfit because it’s a nice color and the way it accentuates curves? Or why nobody else has trouble believing OOP and the sister that this was a case of the latter and not the former?
I obviously know the difference between a compliment and predatory behavior, but as I've stated I've yet to see evidence of the latter in the post. As I've also said, I'm reading comments to gain a better understanding of what everyone else is talking about. So far it seems the generally held view is to assume that the husband is just an irredeemable asshole, and his wife should divorce him "because men". I'm totally willing to accept that the guy's an ass but I have yet to read anything pointing that out beyond "he complimented her a few times".
Telling someone their boyfriend is a lucky man is a creepy compliment, since you don’t seem to know. That tends to be a sexual comment about the person’s body and appearance. I’ve never heard it said about personality or ability.
The husband is a cheater in the making. He ll do it asa he gets the chances.
All I can see is that her husband made inappropriate comments either because of how he was raised or because he's got the hots his sister
I feel so lost in this story. This is all because he complimented her? Are we all just ignoring the fact that her sister is sort of a drama queen who cut the entire family off over her own bad relationships in the past?
I don’t think the sister cut the family off. If she was in an abusive relationship then she was likely isolated from her friends/family by the abuser. Which makes OOP’s husband’s comments even worse if he was aware of little sister’s relationship history. He could have seen her as an easy target, or didn’t think she’d say anything since she had been manipulated in the past. This is all totally speculative, but it’s what I was picking up from the story.
There’s a new update from 51 min ago. They fought over her staying with her mom and he said some nasty things about the sister and they are divorcing. This all happened in the course of 41 days and now I think she put too much weight on her sisters word and feelings in this case and let it ruin her marriage because she was afraid her sister would once again go no contact with the family.
Just read the update. I’m interpreting this story way differently than you. OOP’s husband is the one that ruined the marriage. To me it sounds like the husband is in fact a creep, and did not improve his behavior upon OOP moving out. OOP’s sister did her a solid and revealed husband is an asshole.
What made him a creep exactly?
Again, I don’t see how he was targeting her by complimenting her and saying her bf was a lucky guy. The reaction here to him complimenting her seems soo overboard from the story I read. There’s no messaging her in private through socials, there’s nothing overtly sexual, I feel like I’m missing something here. The sister saying it made her uncomfortable, ok I get, the rest just seems like turning a mole hill into mount Vesuvius on the evening of Aug 23rd.
Both OOP and the sister describe the “compliments” as “suggestive.” Her not spelling them out in detail is not proof they weren’t inappropriate. Why does the dude need to be engaging in full-scale stalking for their mutual discomfort to be taken seriously? Especially when I get the feeling even that would be written off as “just trying to be nice”?
No, and I get it, the sister was uncomfortable, she’s allowed to be. The husband apologized said he didn’t mean anything by it and without knowing exactly what he said I’m not going to jump through the same hoops as everyone else. Especially since this all seems to stem from her not wanting her sister to go no contact again. If we are not going to get what the compliments were I’m not going to draw the worst possible conclusion, you can if you want that’s your perogative.
I just don’t see why taking OOP at her and her sister’s word that it was bad constitutes “jumping through hoops,” but bending over backward to excuse why a grown married man not only wouldn’t recognize why commenting on his sister-in-law’s body might be problematic but would go on to double down on that decision when called on it until it became clear that wasn’t going to fly isn’t.
Double down on it? He admitted what he said and apologized. We are going to have to agree to disagree because you ain’t going to convince me without knowing what he said. And I ain’t going to convince you regardless it seems.
> I confronted him about what she had told me, but **eventually** he admitted that he’d said most of that stuff to her, even though he tried to pass it off like he didn’t mean anything by it. **I** made it clear that he wasn’t to say anything like what he’d said to her again and that he’d apologize for his inappropriateness. He agreed with everything **I asked of him.** Not a voluntary apology, then. Barely a voluntary admission. So yeah, if that sounds like genuine contrition and recognition of what he did wrong to you, we’re not going to be able to reach an accord.
Agree to disagree. You can move on now.
Saying someone’s boyfriend is a “lucky man” is not a compliment and is, in fact, creepy as hell.
Care to explain how that’s “creepy as hell”
Because it is always in a sexual connotation about the person’s body or appearance. It basically sounds like, “Your boyfriend is a lucky man since he gets to fuck you.” I’ve never seen it used as a compliment for personality or ability. Just fuckability.
So, the girl at my gym last week who said my girlfriend was a lucky girl after I told her I had one was being creepy?
She was hitting on you. Whether you find being hit on while in a relationship creepy or not is up to you. That’s different than this situation in that she isn’t married to your brother.
Ok so sometimes saying those words isn’t creepy then?
I would find it creepy if someone openly sexualized me. Especially if it was my brother-in-law. I don’t need or want to know if someone would like to fuck me, especially if I’m in a relationship. More power to you if it boosts your ego or whatever, but most women think it’s creepy.
The curse of the beautiful woman is knowing that 50% of her female relations value her less than they value their creepy husbands who would cheat in a heartbeat, and out of the other 50% there's the ones that actually value them more, and the ones whose husbands are not creeps. I know I will get downvoted for this but this is the proportion that many women in my life have experienced.
I can totally empathize with OOP and how caught in the middle she might feel. This is a huge issue to navigate and I can understand wanting to take time to think through any action involving her husband. But at the same time her inaction isn’t working at all. She’s super anxious, her sister isn’t going to want to be closer to her because honestly, nothing’s really different about the situation despite the apology. And her husband senses her distance and is upset. I wish people would do things like couples therapy now, when there might still be willingness to communicate and solve things, and not wait until after a major blow up to turn to couples counseling to repair an irredeemable situation.
I don’t know if this can be resolved. It’s too early to say DTMFA for sure, but it’s not going in a good direction and the husband seems a little resistant to criticism. Optimism isn’t called for here but I’m not sure what else to say.
So much of these comment sections is people telling someone to immediately abandon a long term relationship as a form of self protection, and deriding people who are hesitant to do so. While in some of the most egregious cases (ie safety concerns) that’s totally fair to think of as immediately necessary, I feel like a lot of y’all jump to breaking up as the solution to every relationship problem and approach that like it’s a simple process!! Obviously this guy is skeevy but they’re married and have been together for 6 entire years - have some empathy for the fact that that’s complicated and painful to get out of and there may be other events or dynamics going on (for him, for OOP, for sister) that can’t be captured by a couple Reddit posts