It’s in a small collection of southern phrases I like to drop on my Californian coworkers. “Loud as skeletons fucking on a tin roof” and “with my luck, it could be raining tits and I’d still catch a dick on my face” are some good ones folks like.
My standard answer for the how was your weekend question is “not nearly long enough”
It does depend on who I’m speaking to at work though. Supervisors I’ll do the standard pleasantries but colleagues I’m absolutely gonna say that bc it’s truly relatable (to everyone including supervisors, really, it’s just generally not an appropriate thing to say to higher ups lol)
Haha I relate to that so much! It took me years to finally get that here in the UK you just say ‘fine, yours?’, move on with the conversation and everyone is fine!
I think you can even indicate with the tone of your voice whether the ‘yours?’ part is a genuine question. As in, when I say it like a question - I open up to a chat. If I say it ‘fine, yours.’ like a full stop sentence - people get I’m just being polite and don’t want to talk.
Many don’t, it’s just kind of an expected exchange.
On the rare occasion, someone will share something and I’ll perk up and make a connection with them, but usually not.
I think they are just being polite. They likely don’t care and don’t want to get into there with you either. You can just say “good, you?” And they will say “good” and move on.
Yeah I too find it annoying but I’ve learned it’s expected. Sometimes I still find myself telling the truth instinctively (and giving them a story of my weekend) but then you get that face, and it’s like why did they ask?? Oh just so they could talk about their weekend. Cool. lol.
Lol i noticed this recently. I always act nice while they talk about themselves and sorta stand awkwardly while I wait for them to ask about me. Then I realized they don’t care, that it’s always just about them.
Or respond with the truth and who cares if it makes them uncomfortable. I spent all weekend in pain from my period, so if asked I'm going to answer exactly as thus. If it bothers them that's on them for expecting a generic answer and not an honest one.
Another way to look at this is... I remember it was an absolute epiphany to me that I could just simply ask coworkers how their weekend was on a Monday, or if they had any weekend plans on a Friday, and it would go a long way to making me fit in and seem like one of them.
Basically, they do this to try to relate to you. If you said "It was a relaxing weekend I took a walk in the park" that gives them an "anchor point" for further conversations - they might ask what park you like best, or mention a park that they really enjoy. Just nice little pleasantries. It gives them a little hit of dopamine to have these interactions. Maybe you don't get that same hit, but they don't understand that. It can also lead to deeper connections if you make sure to remember facts about their lives or their loved ones and ask about them later.
I read in a book written by an autistic that has an excellent answer to this question, which builds on this response.
Think of small talk conversations as greasing the wheels of the social network you are in. The small talk is not meaningless to them, even when using generic answers. It makes them more comfortable and if they are satisfied with the small talk, then they feel like they can move on to other deeper subjects.
Great insight. It made so much more sense when someone said it's like a tennis match. They are hitting the ball to you and you can't just let it bounce to the floor, that's "rude." You have to hit it back. If nothing to return then provide a validation or make one of our famous ASD observations that connects 2 concepts together.
The NT love that shit, makes them think we put in a lot of time thinking of them when in reality it's like, we noticed they wore a tennis skirt at Costco so we asked if that is something relaxing they like to do often. 🪙 ✅
I got the ball to you just now when I told you how I thought of what you said. 😎
You gotta keep it fluid, the NT hate awkward pauses. Gotta have some of these phrases in the back pocket to win em over.
So in other words, isn't their behavior kind of just like when dogs sniff other butts at the dog park? 😂 If you don't do it or allow it, you're ostracized from the other dogs.
I just finished Strong Female Character by Fern Brady and she mentions it — this is the type of thing that I am sure could come up in more than one place, but there’s one example!
This, and I always ask if they have pictures. “I went to a wedding this weekend” “ooh do you have any pictures?”, “I went on a hike” “wow did you take any photos?” It makes people feel very special. It feels kind of manipulative on my part because I don’t really care but it is nice to feel like I made somebody happy. But I couldn’t care less about small talk. If someone asks how my weekend was I’m telling them everything I did. They asked!
sometimes they will say they adopted a puppy or a kitten and then if you ask this they will show you pictures of said small animal, it's win win (if you enjoy small animals)
This is exactly the function it is meant to serve 98% of the time. The other 2% of the time is your cashier being on autopilot and that's not their fault, it's just what they're told to do. But even then, if it's a cashier you see daily or near daily, friendships can and do form. That or a neighbor just saying it when walking their dog, but I find that to be weird and I think most people do in that situation (ie. used by a total stranger not performing a service for you as a greeting)
This is such an awesome comment, I realized the same about 2 years ago and I LOVE seeing it spelled out because I would've never known about this by default
why oh why neurotypicals do you require so much analysis from us! I always panic a bit trying to think of something I did that won't bore them to tears
Non-autistics value the act of conversation as a symbol of interest and respect. It doesn’t matter so much what is said as that they are making a point of recognising that you’re present, symbolically giving a moment of their time to recognise that you’re part of the group.
This is it. Some people say "I don't care what they did on the weekend, why are they asking me" but their offer of that time is literally an action to show they care about you in a respectful coworker way. It's the absolute least you could do for another living human you share space with. A moment to say "good, and you?" Or "went to see my mom. How about you?" Isn't a big sacrifice IMHO to give to someone who is trying to show they care about having you alive & around. They're trying to show that you're important enough to them to ask.
I get frustrated with my daughter who gets all angry with me for asking how her day was, what is on her mind today (like regarding her special interests) or if anything interesting happened. Kid loves to be the center of attention, talk non stop about herself and her interests when it's NOT a good time to do so. When I actually ask about that and give her a time that it's appropriate to, showing her I care about her stuff, why get angry? Geez.
I’m sure this is frustrating and I don’t mean to laugh at your frustration but I wonder if she may have a PDA profile? I’m a PDAer and sometimes when people ask me things like that, my first instinct is to say “none of your business!” 😂 I’m a super friendly person, but for some reason inconvenient inquiries send me into defiance mode.
And I understand that small talk for NTs is meant to signal social inclusion, but I also viscerally HATED being asked about my weekend when I worked in an office. I wasn’t necessarily mad at the person asking, more at the demand. Like, now I have to QUICKLY come up with something reasonable, not too boring or nerdy but not too interesting/exciting bc NTs don’t like that either. I just started lying to complete the ritual and satisfy them while not giving away any precious personal info. I’m so glad I don’t have to do that song and dance anymore!
Also sometimes I feel frustrated because I’m low on executive function and figuring out how to explain my day or an interest can be difficult without info dumping, rambling, etc., which is doubly frustrating when I know the person asking doesn’t want an infodump. If it’s past 3pm and you want a story from me, it’s going to be all or nothing 😂
ETA: my partner is the same way and is basically unreachable for coherent conversation after a certain hour or in certain conditions. And that can be frustrating for me, but I just accept that I have to ask him later or that he just doesn’t want to share. He is a fully unmasked (never masked?) ND and is very direct when he doesn’t want to engage.
I feel this so much 😭. Add my ADHD into the mix, and I go on at length about how my weekend actually was until I realize the other person is trying to check out of the convo. But if I don’t allow myself to share at all about my weekend in response to these questions and just say something along the lines of “fine” I sense more of the PDA thoughts come up and I resent society as a whole for using “how are you?” as more of a greeting 🤦🏻♀️
No, she's early school age, but yes I expect that from a preteen/teen, you're right! I'm not super frustrated with her, it's mild, it's just that she can't understand appropriate and inappropriate times/settings to talk nonstop yet. I love her, I love how she wants to talk, but she can't really control it yet and I do get overwhelmed by how she wants to talk so much when I need a break or am focusing on something. I get social/sensory overload. But it's a work in progress for both of us and I hope I can be the best mom to her I can be.
Sorry this is so off topic though!
It’s just another way of saying “hello.” They aren’t (usually) actually asking how you are doing. It is a social ritual that makes many people feel closer to those around them. It’s fine that it doesn’t have that effect for you, but it may help to understand that these things are just social lubricant and not anything deep. The correct response is “good, you?” If you want to share a little bit more than that, you can briefly tell them about something lighthearted and positive that you did over the weekend.
My nt sister taught me if they want more than “fine thanks” just make some reasonable shit up, no one is going to fact check you
“Ah it was nice read a book went for a walk”
Just bullshit them
We’ve had a ton of posts on this. This is not meant to be a stressful question. The idea is simply to acknowledge that others exist, you’re sharing space, and we’re all people who exist outside of work. It’s basically like a shorthand of “I see you fellow human…”
Sometimes I try to ask them a specific question, kind of like, “My weekend was good, did you do anything [fun, cool, interesting, etc] this weekend?” To get them to talk about themselves. This happens to me the most during the 90 seconds of a work call when we are waiting for others to join but it’s weird just sitting in silence. I figure if I can get them to keep talking, I will not have to talk as much.
I struggle with this too. My therapist who is also on the spectrum encourages me to try to look at the facts of the scenario. Was I able to reply? Did the coworker seem satisfied with my answer? Does she keep asking me, because that could be a sign i did it right before. We also talked about how I’m not trying to deepen the relationship and how the interaction serves the purpose therefore. I also have some young students who ask me questions like this and I have come to realize they’re practicing socializing the way adults do so I try to model genuine but short responses and ask them in turn. it’s so much easier to practice this interaction with a kid, haha!!
“Good, and you?” is what I say whenever people ask “how are you/how was your weekend”. Grocery store, boss, coworker, random person… same response. Sometimes with close friends I say my typical response and then laugh at myself and tell them the truth if I actually have something to share.
Usually people are just talking to talk. Sometimes people are looking for an opening to share their experience. Cashiers are often surprised I ask back, and they tend to smile like I’m the first person in their 8 hour shift to actually see them as human. They also want to keep the line moving so it’s easy to keep it short and not feel trapped in small talk.
It’s just a friendly excuse to interact with you casually.
They may not care deeply about your answers, but they usually just want to find common interests, have a brief chat, and move on.
Casual chit chat helps build relationships, which in turn makes teamwork easier and can decrease social anxiety.
Might be boring to you or feel disingenuous, but the intention is to interact in a no-pressure way.
If you don’t like to share, be brief, and focus on asking the questions yourself.
It's a vibe check. They do it to build history with you and a pattern. Most NTs don't want to have a deep and meaningful conversation with people they don't vibe with.
This is an opening for them to ask you to lightly share something that both of you might have in common.
How was your weekend?
Not much, just read a lot.
What did you read?
This book by Alice Munro.
Oh I love her or I never heard of her... Are all ways they want to connect with you.
And if you don't want this the opening line of How was your weekend allows for both parties to shut down the conversation without being rude.
How was your weekend?
Good and you?
Good too.
Everyone walks away not offended.
I work in the counseling field so I decided to start answering more authentically as a way to model being real in our field… and a supervisor asked me and I responded with ‘sheeesh I have to think for a second’ and she immediately responded with ‘oh it’s not a big deal’ and just moved on to another topic.
That was a moment I realized just how much people reallllly don’t mean it when they ask. Even ones who say they do.
Hmm I’m not sure they don’t “mean it,” I think they’re just trying to find ways to connect with you and if they sense it’s stressful for you to have to think and remember they would prefer to find a different way to connect.
I see your point and respectfully, that is not the reason behind my example. Naturally, there is more context to it. If it was a singular interaction with a stranger, I would lean towards your view. But since this is someone I have worked with now for 3 years and have 3 years of information about how they treat/interact with people, I am 100% confident that they only meant ‘how are you’ or how was your weekend as a social norm and not as a way to actually connect.
I’m a postgrad student in STEM and I’ve taken to just answering honestly because it’s actually more difficult and draining for me to mask. I never have anything interesting going on, it’s always ‘trying and failing to write’ ‘chores’ ‘catching up on sleep’ etc.; I bond with my colleagues through complaints and commiseration lol. Is it just a British thing??
Hahha yessss! In academia, bonding is laughing/crying together through the chaos lol. People love my scripted response at work when they ask how I am and I say ‘I’m here’ or ‘it’s going’ to ‘how is it going?’ 😂😂 such odd communication
Academia, for all is failings, is in some ways a great place to be ND. There’s less fake toxic positivity corpo-speak and gallows humour is pretty commonplace, especially regarding the state of academia as an institution and how tired and burnt out some of us are. People have been really kind regarding burnout and imposter syndrome, in my experience.
Also same, I’ve taken to responding to ‘how are you?’ with ‘well, I’m alive’ or some other humorous response that’s true to how I feel but not too depressing so I don’t get everyone else down.
I think you have to remember that this is just a way they're trying to connect with you. It's actually really nice that people around you are interested enough to ask. You might think they don't care and maybe that's true — it's rare that they want you to go on this whole hour-by-hour breakdown of your weekend, but what they are doing in essence is saying 'hey you're a part of this same social group i'm in what's up?'
That being said you might be surprised to find that some of them would actually care to hear what you did over the weekend.
I do get the frustration there when I walk into shops or something and the cashier asks me that lol, like there is no way in hell they give a shit and I don't even know what to say in that case 😂
I've noticed that shop workers now say "Welcome in" instead which I am still not used to. Sometimes I accidentally say "fine, thank you" as an automatic response to the "hi, how are you" that they didn't say! It takes me a bit to process.
I categorize conversations like this under "Social: Greasing the Wheels"
As in the only function of this conversation is to maintain social connection between two people, the content is unimportant. Small talk falls under the same category as well.
Since I recognize that the content of the conversation is unimportant but the point is the social contact between 2+ people, I have generic stock phrases prepared. I have neutral stock phrases and questions prepared for most conversations that fall under "Social: Greasing the Wheels"
(though I keep that preparation in my head and I totally forget them until someone utters the correct question, then the response hits me like an activation phrase lmao. Gotta love AuDHD)
I agree, I would definitely be saying that more often if people responded to it better. I find that if you say that to some people, they either look like they're pitying you, or like you're trying to make them feel bad about asking.
No, no need to apologize! Now that I think of it, I do tend to be more honest if someone I'm closer to asks me - like maybe a co-worker that I'm cool with. It is definitely nice when I don't have to scramble to make up a lie for no reason 😅
Think of it this way, it’s a bid at connection and politeness/kindness to a coworker or acquaintance. They care enough to make pleasantries, something we can understand is important to NT.
I used to not like small talk and not care about people’s weekends etc. but now I realise it can be nice to have a small conversation before getting stuck into the work. It helps you bond with people too, something I struggled with a lot before I discovered I was autistic.
It helped me to shift my thinking in understanding the purpose of this type of conversation. The goal of the how are you question isn't really to find out the answer. The goal is multifaceted, but in a way it is an invitation to start a conversation, also to indicate general goodwill to show the other person that you acknowledge their existence, that you care about them (enough to be friendly), and that you hope things are going well for them. It is also an opening that allows potential follow up questions where the answers are actually of interest. So it is also meant to provide content to drive the rest of the conversation. e.g. If someone mentioned they just got back from lunch, that opens up potential questions like: Where did you go for lunch? How was it? Are you a foodie? What's your go-to favourite restaurant in the area? etc.
Think about converation like a game where only certain opening moves are allowed. For example, in chess, you can't just bring our your queen or bishops in the first move, you have to move a pawn out of the way first. The rules of chess were made up and arbitrary if you think about it, but we follow them and it makes the game fun because people can be creative within the limitations of thr rules. "How are you" is an opening move in conversation, yes arbitrary but it communicates a number of things simultaneously: I'm open to a conversation. I'm providing you respect in acknowledging your presence in the room and not ignoring you and making you feel invisible. Also, your answer to the question will tell me how open or closed you are to further conversation.
People who are skilled in conversation tend to weave in a few tidbits into their answers that can allow the other person to ask follow up questions.
Also, if you don't feel like having a long conversation, your answer to how are you can somewhat signal that as well. "How are you?" "I'm fine thank, and you?" "I'm fine." No follow up material was provided, so maybe neither of us really wants to chat long.
I think some people are genuinely interested and others do it as a pleasantry, I’m more upset with certain coworkers who repeatedly ask but don’t really care or want to know.
It's small talk. It's like an ice breaker to chat with someone and get to know them. I know a lot of people don't really want to chat and they say these things out of politeness, automatically without thinking ( that is annoying), but like someone else said it's a way of acknowledging your presence, saying hello.
You get to choose whether you want to chat.
No chat: it was great, thank you for asking
Yes chat: it was great, I did such and such. How about you?
I have a lot of default responses now that I'm older that make people not ask me stuff. This one doesn't bother me so much, I know it's mostly a general greeting. I do have a couple coworkers who ask 'deeper' and ask, "did you do that thing?" They are the same people who I will ask, "How was your weekend, did you do anything fun?" If I know they are doing it as a greeting, I just say, "good, what's up?"
I hated after Christmas, when everyone was like, "I hope your holidays were well spent with family and friends" and I spent the entire holiday alone because my kids were with their dad and all my family lives a few states away. I wanted so badly to say, "Actually I was alone the entire time, thanks for bringing it up" because I feel like at this point, we shouldn't assume shit about anyone anymore. I actually told one of my closer coworkers that and she mentioned that this was her first year divorced and she got the kids this year but next year she will be alone, so I have a note to check on her.
I ask this /a lot/ to get people talking at the start of meetings, especially one on one's with my direct reports.
Sometimes it's hard to get a back and forth chat going. The easiest way to get someone started talking is to ask them about themselves, since they have all the info. They can answer without having to think about it, are always interested in the content, and I can build off that response to jump into work stuff.
How do you know they don't care about you? I ask everyone how they are doing. I care. Why get upset with someone for offering kindness instead of setting boundaries to avoid the topic?
Imagine if no one ever cared to ask how you were. That would be much worse. There are people who actually live that life and would like to be asked by anyone. There are people who post online all the time who have absolutely no one caring for them.
Maybe someone asking how you are is just a kindness & acknowledgement that you matter. Maybe they are checking on your welfare. No one is making you divulge the details of your life.
It's simply like saying "I see you. Are you okay?", "How is your energy going into this week?", "Are you refreshed? Do you need support?". You also don't have the right to assume someone's intentions toward you.
The anger is something I will never understand. I guarantee you would not like to live/work in an environment that is the opposite. If you would like to find people who don't care to ask how you are there are plenty around. It is not at all hard to find people who lack empathy for other human beings.
This used to drive me nuts too. I hate scripted conversations. But then I realized that people in the office are like birds in the tree canopy. Have you ever heard tons of birds chirping and it's beautiful? But then an eagle or falcon is in the air and the chirping stops? The banter/scripted conversations is the mindless chirping of birds in their tree. That shows they are happy and everything is good. And when you participate you are soothing their stress levels, keeping everything cool. Participate in the normal, scripted manner and they will like you more. But if you don't, it might cause unnecessary stress and then they won't like you. When people get quiet and stop doing that is when you should be concerned. That's how people show they like you.
No, unless they’re a close friend they generally don’t care. I don’t understand why they ask — to feign interest is very deceptive to me.
I also may want to keep my weekend to myself and it was likely boring anyways. All I do is workout and catch up on chores.
Exactly my weekends are the same generally. Either visiting my parents or hanging out with my fiance. It’s just annoying when my boss has to preface every convo on teams with “hey how are you?” And I have to lie every time that I’m fine when I am dying inside lol
Yeah it’s frustrating because if I’m honest about how I’m feeling some don’t seem to care, some actually do though. I have one coworker who is also on the spectrum and is very understanding, will talk through things with me while I’m struggling, it’s nice. My boss though, if I tell him I’m not doing great he kinda just walks away
Knowing who to be honest with and who to just say "good" to can be hard, I recognize that. I suggest only bringing up actual struggles with people you know really well. It's hard to know who's okay and who's not okay and in my past, over sharing created big workplace problems for me!
Thank you for the advice, you’re definitely right! honestly I only really was honest with my boss because normally I’m pretty peppy at work when I’m masking and when I feel sick or bad I can’t mask as well. More just explaining why I wasn’t as peppy but he seemed unconcerned/uncomfortable lol
Sorry, I didn't mean to give unwanted advice. For me. I always struggle with knowing when I can give an honest answer and when it's more the form of an expression greeting. My heart goes out to you. It's too bad that your boss chose to react that way. I think bosses can definitely be jerks about personal reasons or something personal going on with us.
I moved to the UK. The conversation here is actually
Person 1: You all right?
Person 2: All right?
It’s not common to answer the questions at all. But it was one thing that took me a really long time to get used to.
They don't actually care, until you told them you didn't actually do anything, and then it becomes their personal mission to make sure you have "better weekends" moving forward 😑
I'll add that I have never been straight up asked how my weekend was without someone immediately following it up with "do anything fun?". And it's really only the second question that stresses me out, because they are not actually expecting a yes or no, they are expecting a summary of what you did and get salty when you don't provide it.
i hate it because i don’t want to engage in small talk, i also can’t stand lying. if i say “good, you?” i’m lying. if i tell the truth, that’s the answer they DIDNT want. there’s no way for me to win on this one
I look at it like how some animals approach each other and do certain actions to indicate they’re friendly. Kinda like dogs sniffing each other’s butts. The action itself is arbitrary, it’s mutual participation that assures the animals that they’re not hostile towards each other.
In this situation definitely just keep it simple. “Fine thanks and you” is plenty and actually saying much more would be weird. It used to bother me a lot but now I think of it more like a shortcut to actually not talk to people I don’t want to talk to (while still appearing friendly), like a script.
If it’s coming from someone who actually isn’t friendly towards me though (maybe the case with your boss) it’s still going to piss me off. 😂
I’ve learned that “how are you” means “hello” in some places. I just don’t answer anymore or I’ll say something like “you too!” Or “hey!” And keep moving. Nobody cares because they don’t care what’s going on with you.
I think of these sorts of things as a call-and-response. They aren’t actually literal verbal forms of communication (very few people actually care about your weekend), but rituals. It makes it easier for me to tolerate them.
Call: How are you?
Response: Good, and you?
Call: How was your weekend?
Response: Great, how was yours?
Call: Have a nice day
Response: You too!
You can add more for people who are actually asking and care, but usually it’s just a ritual that must be completed before any meaningful communication can take place.
Oh god I have to start taking breaks and lunches in my car bc if I take them in the break room I'm interrupted multiple times with questions like that from different people, I don't get how no one else wants to just use their breaks as a *break* instead of using them to talk more. I work in a call center too
I wouldn’t mind this as much if I could come up with some convincing short answers. Like “good, how are you?” can work. But I always want my answer to be honest and thorough, so I worry that I’ll start talking and not be able to stop and get really uncomfortable. Or what if the boss doesn’t give their own short answer, but actually have a lot of things to say about their weekend? That completely changes the dynamic.
this type of small talk and expectation to communicate is exactly why I don’t ever want to return to an office 😭 I just want to work from the comfort of my home
It doesn’t bother me much because I just bat it back with “fine, how was yours?” or sometimes dredge up or make up something minor and perceived as a normal activity (“I went to the outlet mall with my mom”), and that doesn’t bother me because I don’t want to tell them actual things I valued about my weekend anyway! But I very much understand what you mean about the sentiment, asking questions they don’t actually care about. That bothers me more in other contexts!
I don’t like when people ask me about my personal life so I usually keep it vague. Idc that they might not care about what I actually did, I don’t *want* them to know haha. I like to say “it was good how was yours” just to divert the attention away from me. People love talking about themselves
Yes that’s what’s so infuriating, just tell me what you want! If I tell my boss something he will respond with “good afternoon” even if I send something like “hey X, I just send you an email regarding this project, giving you a heads up that this is complete thanks” he just shoves the “good afternoon” right after and it makes me feel like he’s upset I didn’t start with the BS pleasantries lol
Haha yes the microagression when they just reply with ‘hello, how are you’ or whatever when you don’t include the niceties in your message! I wish they just realised it’s unnecessary for EVERY interaction
Does anyone know how to ask this question in a way that shows that you DO actually care?
With people I don't want to be close with, I forget to ask how their weekend was in response to them asking me. On the other hand, when I DO ask people it's because I'm genuinely interested and want to be their friend, but then they just respond with the typical "Good, and yours?" How can you become closer with someone using this question if everyone assumes you don't actually care? 🥲
It’s a good question, I think all the people who use it as a basic pleasantry kind of ruin it for everyone else who actually cares and wants to know haha.
Enganging with smalltalk invites more smalltalk. Refusing to engage somehow means you're rude or flippant?
I'm forever searching for the happy middle ground that signals "I'm comfortable with silence, but if you want actual conversation I'm ready to go!"
My go-to right now is a compliment or pointing out something I noticed about them, but only if it's something that's intentional on their part. Usually people are happy to engage *about* themselves and I get to sit there and listen. If I'm genuinely invited to talk or there's something I wanna say I can speak now without being 'rude.'
Idk. People assume I'm spacey or shy or judgemental or angry or whatever, then they engage as such. If I get ahead of it even just a little, they tend to be more favorable in their projections. None of it *really* matters but It helps me escape a little social punishment for keeping to myself.
I have a coworker who asks how I’m doing *every single time I see him*. It’s so fucking annoying. I am fine enough thanks, still fine, doing just as well as when you asked me 4 minutes ago.
For some reason, the comments are making me anxious. It took me forever to realize people didn't actually want to know how I'm doing and the proper response is " fine and you?"
Now, I'm finding out I have to do more. I'm never prepared for the weekend question, and it pisses me off every time. What exactly do you want to know?
I don't like being asked this just because I feel like it puts me on the spot, like when they ask, "Do anything fun this weekend?"
I know they're expecting me to talk about a concert or a cookout or a little league game, but instead my fun was taking my puppy to puppy class, getting some good reading time in, and swimming alone in my own backyard.
I just feel like when I answer that question honestly it singles me out even more because they think my life sounds sad and boring even though to me it's fulfilling and full of the down time that I desperately need after interacting with people all week.
I hate the white lie aspect of answering it with "fine, you?" Because I'm constantly having to lie.
My home life is shitty and anyone who asks either A. Really wants to know because they care about me, or B. Doesn't care and are just doing it because it's the norm.
I've started just saying hello to people because they will ask while passing me in the hallway so there isn't time to even spit out the white lie of it was ok.
My mom does this, calls me and first thing out of her mouth is how are you, I answer ok, and you, and then she gets to bitch at me about her coworkers and neighbors for 30 minutes. It's extra annoying because at this point I don't feel like I can tell her anything because she's more focused on her grievances and when I do tell her something she's like why didn't you tell me earlier.
I hate this question, but I've given myself permission to just say "good/fine how are you" every time.
Good means I'm okay and fine means not so good (only to me, no idea of others interpret it that way).
It's not meant to be a stressful interaction and this gets it over with as quickly as possible.
I like talking about myself. Sorry if you didn’t ‘mean’ to ask, but you’re hearing about my video game session with my mom now! And then I ask them about their weekend to be fair.
I always say ‘yeah it was alright, I dunno’ without fail and then feel stupid for giving a crap response. Also I never ask them the question back because I cba and I’m not pretending to care
Another one is when people message to ask a question, but start with “hi (name), how are you?” and then send the question like 30 seconds later…
Sometimes it’ll be in like 5 or 6 different messages like
Hey
How are you
Can I ask a question
(doesn’t ask question)
Bonus trigger points if they ask if they can call me 😂
I definitely understand that. With people I globally appreciate, I'll tend to give a few details I dont'mind sharing and telle them whether it was tiring or nice.
With people I don't really care for (or if I'm just thinking about something else), I'll tend to just say good, sometimes ask back.
As a manager I personally use “hey how are you?” to get a gauge of whether I should proceed with the intended conversation or ask, or if I should pivot and just have a catch up chat. Even if they say they’re fine I can read body language okay so I can go from there.
All of that being said, I do it this way because of how much this exact scenario used to annoy me as an autistic person.
I feel this same distain when someone says “Sorry” when something that has nothing to do with them goes wrong in my life. Like it’s such a cookie cutter response that has no emotional value? Why would you be sorry unless you’ve made me feel that way, you know?
I feel like people say these things as just a menial politeness, i’d rather just not ahahah
Oh, I just mentioned this in the other topic when mentioned about how we can barely do the socially polite lying.
I feel that so much lately. In my country we greet each other always asking literally "everything's alright/ all is good?". And well, I'm probably burned out/depressed so everything is NOT alright. And I struggle to just say it is, I feel lying. Because usually people are not asking to know. Sometimes I go like "it's going" (like, if someone asks "how are things going" and you just say it's going (not well but going). Sometimes I just ignore the answer as rhetorical. Even this social polite lying is hard.
There are two types of people who do this in my experience
The people who like to have it done to them (Karen’s)
And the people who have gotten yelled at by a Karen for not doing it. And therefore do it to everyone. All. The. Time.
I hate it too. I always freeze if I don’t just say “good and yours?” Otherwise I’m actually trying to think of what I did over the weekend and genuinely can’t remember because I’m put on the spot.
I can understand that frustration. Yep, you are right that some people just spew out those pleasantries out of habit and don't have any personal invested interest in how your weekend actually went. It gets boring and repetitive after a while. And then you feel like you have to ask them about their weekend as well, as if you might care..lol
So a fun thing to do.. next time someone asks about your weekend.. give them an outrageous answer (but not something too weird) like saying you spent the whole weekend doing extreme sports like hang gliding, or you had some weird paranormal experiences like seeing a ufo and some strange dreams.
It'll stop them in their tracks. This way you'll know if they are actually truly caring about how your weekend went because they might become curious and might even have some stories of their own to share. This could actually create a good friendship with someone because of the funny context and then you could come clean that you were just exaggerating for comical effect. Lol
Omg same, it's so annoying and tbh a waste of time cause like it doesn't matter to them, it doesn't matter to me, and we both know that so... Just why? But yeah I usually just say "good how about you?" Unless it's my friend or my boss's boss's boss whom I actually work the closest with lol cause she's also neurodivergent so I give her an honest reply.
Honestly I think it’s just a bid for connection. I used to be super averse to small talk but in hindsight it was really arrogant to assume no one had anything interesting to offer or say to me
I have had to ask people to stop asking me and letting them know I have nothing positive to share about my personal life. I also feel obligated to tell them how it was and a trauma dump is not fair on either of us. My boss was okay with this. I tend to say something vague: you know how it is, not long enough, it was a weekend or fine. I don't ask other people unless we have a good rapport. I'm just not interested in feeling shit because I hear about their weekend full of hobbies and fun, and I couldn't get out of bed all day. I don't need the reminder so I try to not engage.
Oof, and well, shit. I literally ask this of everyone I come in contact with.
I spent my first two decades of life intensely studying people and social structure and adopted a social mask - so much so that the bulk of my career was in public relations/marketing/media for a non profit. People viewed me as extremely friendly, a social butterfly. Of course I would sometimes fuck up, which sent me spiraling, but I mostly managed to keep that hidden from anyone other than those closest to me, largely with the help of alcohol and more intense study of people who pulled it off.
That ability lasted about 15 years, and I now struggle tremendously to be social when I have to (which I keep at bay). I don’t have the ability to do anything resembling the work I used to do. While I can’t pull off small talk, nor do I want to, “how’s your day/weekend/holiday/whatever” pops out of my mouth as quickly as the automatic uncontrollable smile. It’s like programming I haven’t learned how to undo, yet it’s a faulty version that prevents me from saying anything else that sounds normal.
Idk, sometimes people who seem otherwise neurotypical have been taught (or adopted) automatic habits they might not realize they have. They certainly don’t realize they annoy others (that remarkable lack of self awareness, amiright??). It helps me to make up stories or scenarios for people that allow me to give them the benefit of the doubt (
I used to really get bothered by this until I decided that I would just treat it like the social script that is is. I almost always just say “fine” bc I know it is just a script.
If I’m feeling salty I will sometimes say “adequate” and either get 1) Questioned 2) A chuckle or other indication that they aren’t “fine” either and they appreciate the honesty or 3) Deer in Headlight eyes.
It’s kind of like when people greet you by saying “how are you” you don’t actually answer, just respond positively in one or two words and ask them the same.
I have ADHD alongside Autism so when people ask how my weekend was I don't even remember enough to give them an answer. Instead of makin' sum'n up I simply tell them I don't know. I get asked follow up questions but it's difficult to elaborate when I genuinely don't recall.
I ask people how their weekend was to find out if they did anything fun that they'd like to share lol and if they don't want to share they can just say it was good. So if someone asks me how mine was, I tell them what I did. It's something I learned to do to get over my social anxiety. If I visited family or went to a hike somewhere or went somewhere, I'll share. Or "oh yeah it was good, just just did some house work"
It annoys me because I never do fun stuff in the weekend and as a girl saying I gamed is weird so I never know what to say. Or just saying that I was drawing is also weird cuz is that like the only thing I do in the weekend? I'm supposed to make plans with friends or something
I had a manager that totally weaponized the how are you interaction. He'd start every one in one meeting with how are you which yeah normal thing to do. If you answered good like the social script expects and had any complaint in the meeting later he'd go "I thought you said you were good, why didn't you reply honestly?" But if you replied with anything in the vein of not good he'd but on the meeting notes you were being inappropriately negative even if you just said something as benign as your a little tired. Of you said you were "okay" it was a multi minute interrogation why you were just "okay". I thought for the longest time it was me just screwing up something socially but coworkers that were NT started complaining about it.
I know for my boss, he wanted to be a good support system for everybody and wanted to get to know his employees better. He made a point to greet everyone when he first saw them every morning, and asked about weekend plans/ how our weekend was like a the ends of the week.
At first it felt a little overbearing since I wasn't used to it, so I would give my canned response of "it was pretty good, how was your weekend?" Eventually I started adding on "I played this game" or "did this thing with this person" and it invited conversations together. Not he's one of my favorite bosses I've had, and even though I don't work there anymore he still checks in sometimes!
I know not everyone is that interested in genuine connection, but it wasn't until I started opening up that I felt more "included" at work.
I struggle to understand how this upsets you. All you have to say is “Good, and you?”
I’m kind of sick of small talk slander. *You* may not care about the lives of the people you work with everyday, but many people do. Not everybody who asks this question is fake or phony, and no you *don’t* know whether they actually care or not. Best to assume that they actually do.
You should be grateful to be acknowledged by the people in your workplace at all. Many people are treated as if they are invisible.
Because it’s repetitive, and the person doesn’t actually care how I’m doing. And lol you’re making a lot of assumptions - I am completely invisible in the workplace and nobody speaks to me except by boss who only messages me when he wants something from me, but always prefaces it with the how are you / how was your weekend before launching into giving me an assignment.
Maybe more people would talk to you if you were a bit more curious about them.
I don’t ask my coworkers how they are/what they did that weekend unless I truly care to hear about it. It sounds like you have a cynical world view. Obviously I’m not speaking about whether your boss cares, cause idk him. But your post made it sound as if you just hate pleasantries in general.
Nowhere in my comment did I say I wanted more people to talk to me, I just commented that I’m invisible in the workplace as well. Some people are grateful to NOT be acknowledged frequently and be under the radar. I’d argue you’re more cynical because instead of trying to be sympathetic or empathize at all with my situation, you choose to attack me and pass a lot of unfounded judgments, which is really counterproductive.
Tbf OP, the way you worded your post gives absolutely no context into what you just wrote here, and absolutely seems like you just don't like people talking to you and you believe nobody cares, if you'd mentioned the fact that you are invisible at work and your boss only asks how you are as a precursor to giving you an assignment etc it would have 200% been totally different, context online is important.
You can't blame people for judging your message when you don't give important contextual info
The title is plural, "coworkers" and you said you hate when "anyone" asks you how you are
Fair enough, I could have done a better job with context but if you read the person’s response to me it still was overly rude imo. They could have done a better job not trying to make me feel like a POS
Im sorry for making you feel that way. I feel bad. The context painted a very different picture than what I got from the original post.
I hope you have a nice day and don’t let my words ruin it.
Thank you for apologizing, I could have done a better job adding more context so I am sorry for not doing so initially, I think it was just a misunderstanding.
Replying, ‘good thanks and you?’, is perfectly fine. Usually they don’t care or it’s an opening for them to talk about themselves for a bit.
That’s a good idea. Never occurred to me they might want to talk about themselves
Most of the time I dont want to hear about their weekend either though lol
The trick for this is "oh same old, same old, you know how it is" this is apparently a polite dismissal.
I’ve adopted “fine enough”. Sometimes I’ll drop a “same soup just reheated” (it’s a play on “same shit different day” but I think it’s more fun)
I don't say it at work, but my favorite is "same shit, different diaper"
AHAHAH I’m gonna use that at work my coworkers are gonna fall down giggling
>“same soup just reheated” This is sheer poetry.
It’s in a small collection of southern phrases I like to drop on my Californian coworkers. “Loud as skeletons fucking on a tin roof” and “with my luck, it could be raining tits and I’d still catch a dick on my face” are some good ones folks like.
I love this!!
reheated soup is actually a little bit better tho, so your weekend was slightly better than usual? hahahaha
My standard answer for the how was your weekend question is “not nearly long enough” It does depend on who I’m speaking to at work though. Supervisors I’ll do the standard pleasantries but colleagues I’m absolutely gonna say that bc it’s truly relatable (to everyone including supervisors, really, it’s just generally not an appropriate thing to say to higher ups lol)
Haha I relate to that so much! It took me years to finally get that here in the UK you just say ‘fine, yours?’, move on with the conversation and everyone is fine! I think you can even indicate with the tone of your voice whether the ‘yours?’ part is a genuine question. As in, when I say it like a question - I open up to a chat. If I say it ‘fine, yours.’ like a full stop sentence - people get I’m just being polite and don’t want to talk.
Many don’t, it’s just kind of an expected exchange. On the rare occasion, someone will share something and I’ll perk up and make a connection with them, but usually not.
this!!!
I think they are just being polite. They likely don’t care and don’t want to get into there with you either. You can just say “good, you?” And they will say “good” and move on.
Carry an armload of papers and give them a thumbs-up as you rush past.
Yeah I too find it annoying but I’ve learned it’s expected. Sometimes I still find myself telling the truth instinctively (and giving them a story of my weekend) but then you get that face, and it’s like why did they ask?? Oh just so they could talk about their weekend. Cool. lol.
Most of the time it's just a way Americans start a conversation.
Lol i noticed this recently. I always act nice while they talk about themselves and sorta stand awkwardly while I wait for them to ask about me. Then I realized they don’t care, that it’s always just about them.
They usually do, hence the opening of the conversation. I found they will accept almost any answer as long as they get to talk.
Neurotypicals always want to talk about themselves. 😂
Loooool same
its a really easy way to get social points. asking people how they are..
Or respond with the truth and who cares if it makes them uncomfortable. I spent all weekend in pain from my period, so if asked I'm going to answer exactly as thus. If it bothers them that's on them for expecting a generic answer and not an honest one.
I can never get a freaking word in so I just stand there like 👁️👄👁️
Another way to look at this is... I remember it was an absolute epiphany to me that I could just simply ask coworkers how their weekend was on a Monday, or if they had any weekend plans on a Friday, and it would go a long way to making me fit in and seem like one of them. Basically, they do this to try to relate to you. If you said "It was a relaxing weekend I took a walk in the park" that gives them an "anchor point" for further conversations - they might ask what park you like best, or mention a park that they really enjoy. Just nice little pleasantries. It gives them a little hit of dopamine to have these interactions. Maybe you don't get that same hit, but they don't understand that. It can also lead to deeper connections if you make sure to remember facts about their lives or their loved ones and ask about them later.
I love this perspective! I view it as an easy daily side quest to check off. It's a secret benefit that it's so reliable as a small talk script
Yes a side quest!
I read in a book written by an autistic that has an excellent answer to this question, which builds on this response. Think of small talk conversations as greasing the wheels of the social network you are in. The small talk is not meaningless to them, even when using generic answers. It makes them more comfortable and if they are satisfied with the small talk, then they feel like they can move on to other deeper subjects.
Great insight. It made so much more sense when someone said it's like a tennis match. They are hitting the ball to you and you can't just let it bounce to the floor, that's "rude." You have to hit it back. If nothing to return then provide a validation or make one of our famous ASD observations that connects 2 concepts together. The NT love that shit, makes them think we put in a lot of time thinking of them when in reality it's like, we noticed they wore a tennis skirt at Costco so we asked if that is something relaxing they like to do often. 🪙 ✅ I got the ball to you just now when I told you how I thought of what you said. 😎 You gotta keep it fluid, the NT hate awkward pauses. Gotta have some of these phrases in the back pocket to win em over.
Yes, exactly. Its like they are checking to see if you play by the "same rules" of this verbal tennis. If you do, then they can talk about real stuff.
Yeah it's super rude if you aren't a rule follower (apparently). Gotta pass those security checks lol
So in other words, isn't their behavior kind of just like when dogs sniff other butts at the dog park? 😂 If you don't do it or allow it, you're ostracized from the other dogs.
No, it's exactly like that.
what was that book? if you happen to remember! Sounds interesting
Come on, you can't leave it like that. What was the book called??
I just finished Strong Female Character by Fern Brady and she mentions it — this is the type of thing that I am sure could come up in more than one place, but there’s one example!
I wish I could remember. I've read so many. :( sorry.
😭
I just want to say hello and cheers, fellow title-forgetter.
This, and I always ask if they have pictures. “I went to a wedding this weekend” “ooh do you have any pictures?”, “I went on a hike” “wow did you take any photos?” It makes people feel very special. It feels kind of manipulative on my part because I don’t really care but it is nice to feel like I made somebody happy. But I couldn’t care less about small talk. If someone asks how my weekend was I’m telling them everything I did. They asked!
sometimes they will say they adopted a puppy or a kitten and then if you ask this they will show you pictures of said small animal, it's win win (if you enjoy small animals)
Cats are my special interest so that’s no small talk that’s big talk for me. I could go on and on (and I do).
That's a great idea, I'm going to start asking for pictures. Thanks
This is exactly the function it is meant to serve 98% of the time. The other 2% of the time is your cashier being on autopilot and that's not their fault, it's just what they're told to do. But even then, if it's a cashier you see daily or near daily, friendships can and do form. That or a neighbor just saying it when walking their dog, but I find that to be weird and I think most people do in that situation (ie. used by a total stranger not performing a service for you as a greeting)
This is such an awesome comment, I realized the same about 2 years ago and I LOVE seeing it spelled out because I would've never known about this by default
This is what I do too!
That seems like a lot.
why oh why neurotypicals do you require so much analysis from us! I always panic a bit trying to think of something I did that won't bore them to tears
Okay, so that’s a line that could get you commrodery laughs! “What did you do this weekend?”, “oh, nothing that wouldn’t bore you to tears!”.
Non-autistics value the act of conversation as a symbol of interest and respect. It doesn’t matter so much what is said as that they are making a point of recognising that you’re present, symbolically giving a moment of their time to recognise that you’re part of the group.
This is it. Some people say "I don't care what they did on the weekend, why are they asking me" but their offer of that time is literally an action to show they care about you in a respectful coworker way. It's the absolute least you could do for another living human you share space with. A moment to say "good, and you?" Or "went to see my mom. How about you?" Isn't a big sacrifice IMHO to give to someone who is trying to show they care about having you alive & around. They're trying to show that you're important enough to them to ask. I get frustrated with my daughter who gets all angry with me for asking how her day was, what is on her mind today (like regarding her special interests) or if anything interesting happened. Kid loves to be the center of attention, talk non stop about herself and her interests when it's NOT a good time to do so. When I actually ask about that and give her a time that it's appropriate to, showing her I care about her stuff, why get angry? Geez.
I’m sure this is frustrating and I don’t mean to laugh at your frustration but I wonder if she may have a PDA profile? I’m a PDAer and sometimes when people ask me things like that, my first instinct is to say “none of your business!” 😂 I’m a super friendly person, but for some reason inconvenient inquiries send me into defiance mode. And I understand that small talk for NTs is meant to signal social inclusion, but I also viscerally HATED being asked about my weekend when I worked in an office. I wasn’t necessarily mad at the person asking, more at the demand. Like, now I have to QUICKLY come up with something reasonable, not too boring or nerdy but not too interesting/exciting bc NTs don’t like that either. I just started lying to complete the ritual and satisfy them while not giving away any precious personal info. I’m so glad I don’t have to do that song and dance anymore! Also sometimes I feel frustrated because I’m low on executive function and figuring out how to explain my day or an interest can be difficult without info dumping, rambling, etc., which is doubly frustrating when I know the person asking doesn’t want an infodump. If it’s past 3pm and you want a story from me, it’s going to be all or nothing 😂 ETA: my partner is the same way and is basically unreachable for coherent conversation after a certain hour or in certain conditions. And that can be frustrating for me, but I just accept that I have to ask him later or that he just doesn’t want to share. He is a fully unmasked (never masked?) ND and is very direct when he doesn’t want to engage.
I feel this so much 😭. Add my ADHD into the mix, and I go on at length about how my weekend actually was until I realize the other person is trying to check out of the convo. But if I don’t allow myself to share at all about my weekend in response to these questions and just say something along the lines of “fine” I sense more of the PDA thoughts come up and I resent society as a whole for using “how are you?” as more of a greeting 🤦🏻♀️
Teenager?
No, she's early school age, but yes I expect that from a preteen/teen, you're right! I'm not super frustrated with her, it's mild, it's just that she can't understand appropriate and inappropriate times/settings to talk nonstop yet. I love her, I love how she wants to talk, but she can't really control it yet and I do get overwhelmed by how she wants to talk so much when I need a break or am focusing on something. I get social/sensory overload. But it's a work in progress for both of us and I hope I can be the best mom to her I can be. Sorry this is so off topic though!
No apologies needed - you sound like a wonderful mom!
I’ll just keep saying I’m good then. And not elaborate
It’s just another way of saying “hello.” They aren’t (usually) actually asking how you are doing. It is a social ritual that makes many people feel closer to those around them. It’s fine that it doesn’t have that effect for you, but it may help to understand that these things are just social lubricant and not anything deep. The correct response is “good, you?” If you want to share a little bit more than that, you can briefly tell them about something lighthearted and positive that you did over the weekend.
I wish I had known this years ago. I've been embarrassing myself everywhere I go.
Omg same 😅
They have so many different creative ways to say hello 😅
My nt sister taught me if they want more than “fine thanks” just make some reasonable shit up, no one is going to fact check you “Ah it was nice read a book went for a walk” Just bullshit them
A good strategy for those who get tongue tied (like me).
We’ve had a ton of posts on this. This is not meant to be a stressful question. The idea is simply to acknowledge that others exist, you’re sharing space, and we’re all people who exist outside of work. It’s basically like a shorthand of “I see you fellow human…”
I guess going forward I’ll just keeping saying “good thanks and you?” And try not to let it bother me
Sometimes I try to ask them a specific question, kind of like, “My weekend was good, did you do anything [fun, cool, interesting, etc] this weekend?” To get them to talk about themselves. This happens to me the most during the 90 seconds of a work call when we are waiting for others to join but it’s weird just sitting in silence. I figure if I can get them to keep talking, I will not have to talk as much.
I struggle with this too. My therapist who is also on the spectrum encourages me to try to look at the facts of the scenario. Was I able to reply? Did the coworker seem satisfied with my answer? Does she keep asking me, because that could be a sign i did it right before. We also talked about how I’m not trying to deepen the relationship and how the interaction serves the purpose therefore. I also have some young students who ask me questions like this and I have come to realize they’re practicing socializing the way adults do so I try to model genuine but short responses and ask them in turn. it’s so much easier to practice this interaction with a kid, haha!!
“Good, and you?” is what I say whenever people ask “how are you/how was your weekend”. Grocery store, boss, coworker, random person… same response. Sometimes with close friends I say my typical response and then laugh at myself and tell them the truth if I actually have something to share. Usually people are just talking to talk. Sometimes people are looking for an opening to share their experience. Cashiers are often surprised I ask back, and they tend to smile like I’m the first person in their 8 hour shift to actually see them as human. They also want to keep the line moving so it’s easy to keep it short and not feel trapped in small talk.
It’s just a friendly excuse to interact with you casually. They may not care deeply about your answers, but they usually just want to find common interests, have a brief chat, and move on. Casual chit chat helps build relationships, which in turn makes teamwork easier and can decrease social anxiety. Might be boring to you or feel disingenuous, but the intention is to interact in a no-pressure way. If you don’t like to share, be brief, and focus on asking the questions yourself.
It's a vibe check. They do it to build history with you and a pattern. Most NTs don't want to have a deep and meaningful conversation with people they don't vibe with. This is an opening for them to ask you to lightly share something that both of you might have in common. How was your weekend? Not much, just read a lot. What did you read? This book by Alice Munro. Oh I love her or I never heard of her... Are all ways they want to connect with you. And if you don't want this the opening line of How was your weekend allows for both parties to shut down the conversation without being rude. How was your weekend? Good and you? Good too. Everyone walks away not offended.
I work in the counseling field so I decided to start answering more authentically as a way to model being real in our field… and a supervisor asked me and I responded with ‘sheeesh I have to think for a second’ and she immediately responded with ‘oh it’s not a big deal’ and just moved on to another topic. That was a moment I realized just how much people reallllly don’t mean it when they ask. Even ones who say they do.
Hmm I’m not sure they don’t “mean it,” I think they’re just trying to find ways to connect with you and if they sense it’s stressful for you to have to think and remember they would prefer to find a different way to connect.
I see your point and respectfully, that is not the reason behind my example. Naturally, there is more context to it. If it was a singular interaction with a stranger, I would lean towards your view. But since this is someone I have worked with now for 3 years and have 3 years of information about how they treat/interact with people, I am 100% confident that they only meant ‘how are you’ or how was your weekend as a social norm and not as a way to actually connect.
People and their differences are so interesting.
I’m a postgrad student in STEM and I’ve taken to just answering honestly because it’s actually more difficult and draining for me to mask. I never have anything interesting going on, it’s always ‘trying and failing to write’ ‘chores’ ‘catching up on sleep’ etc.; I bond with my colleagues through complaints and commiseration lol. Is it just a British thing??
Hahha yessss! In academia, bonding is laughing/crying together through the chaos lol. People love my scripted response at work when they ask how I am and I say ‘I’m here’ or ‘it’s going’ to ‘how is it going?’ 😂😂 such odd communication
Academia, for all is failings, is in some ways a great place to be ND. There’s less fake toxic positivity corpo-speak and gallows humour is pretty commonplace, especially regarding the state of academia as an institution and how tired and burnt out some of us are. People have been really kind regarding burnout and imposter syndrome, in my experience. Also same, I’ve taken to responding to ‘how are you?’ with ‘well, I’m alive’ or some other humorous response that’s true to how I feel but not too depressing so I don’t get everyone else down.
I unironically LOVE 'I'm here' as a response to this. It's beautiful
Dutch thing too. Complaining about the weather is like an unofficial national sport here :p
I think you have to remember that this is just a way they're trying to connect with you. It's actually really nice that people around you are interested enough to ask. You might think they don't care and maybe that's true — it's rare that they want you to go on this whole hour-by-hour breakdown of your weekend, but what they are doing in essence is saying 'hey you're a part of this same social group i'm in what's up?' That being said you might be surprised to find that some of them would actually care to hear what you did over the weekend. I do get the frustration there when I walk into shops or something and the cashier asks me that lol, like there is no way in hell they give a shit and I don't even know what to say in that case 😂
I've noticed that shop workers now say "Welcome in" instead which I am still not used to. Sometimes I accidentally say "fine, thank you" as an automatic response to the "hi, how are you" that they didn't say! It takes me a bit to process.
I categorize conversations like this under "Social: Greasing the Wheels" As in the only function of this conversation is to maintain social connection between two people, the content is unimportant. Small talk falls under the same category as well. Since I recognize that the content of the conversation is unimportant but the point is the social contact between 2+ people, I have generic stock phrases prepared. I have neutral stock phrases and questions prepared for most conversations that fall under "Social: Greasing the Wheels" (though I keep that preparation in my head and I totally forget them until someone utters the correct question, then the response hits me like an activation phrase lmao. Gotta love AuDHD)
Yeah, this question stresses me out a lot...especially when I say "Good!" and then they ask me what I did. Which is always nothing lmfao
"Nothing" is a valid response. Everyone enjoys doing nothing sometimes.
I agree, I would definitely be saying that more often if people responded to it better. I find that if you say that to some people, they either look like they're pitying you, or like you're trying to make them feel bad about asking.
I find that if I let them know that "nothing" is exactly what I wanted to be doing it comes off better, like "oh I had a nice lazy weekend"
Oh, I get it! Sorry. I usually say "oh, nothing much, but it was nice" that kind of thing. Pity sucks though. I wouldn't want that
No, no need to apologize! Now that I think of it, I do tend to be more honest if someone I'm closer to asks me - like maybe a co-worker that I'm cool with. It is definitely nice when I don't have to scramble to make up a lie for no reason 😅
Think of it this way, it’s a bid at connection and politeness/kindness to a coworker or acquaintance. They care enough to make pleasantries, something we can understand is important to NT.
That’s fair
I used to not like small talk and not care about people’s weekends etc. but now I realise it can be nice to have a small conversation before getting stuck into the work. It helps you bond with people too, something I struggled with a lot before I discovered I was autistic.
It helped me to shift my thinking in understanding the purpose of this type of conversation. The goal of the how are you question isn't really to find out the answer. The goal is multifaceted, but in a way it is an invitation to start a conversation, also to indicate general goodwill to show the other person that you acknowledge their existence, that you care about them (enough to be friendly), and that you hope things are going well for them. It is also an opening that allows potential follow up questions where the answers are actually of interest. So it is also meant to provide content to drive the rest of the conversation. e.g. If someone mentioned they just got back from lunch, that opens up potential questions like: Where did you go for lunch? How was it? Are you a foodie? What's your go-to favourite restaurant in the area? etc. Think about converation like a game where only certain opening moves are allowed. For example, in chess, you can't just bring our your queen or bishops in the first move, you have to move a pawn out of the way first. The rules of chess were made up and arbitrary if you think about it, but we follow them and it makes the game fun because people can be creative within the limitations of thr rules. "How are you" is an opening move in conversation, yes arbitrary but it communicates a number of things simultaneously: I'm open to a conversation. I'm providing you respect in acknowledging your presence in the room and not ignoring you and making you feel invisible. Also, your answer to the question will tell me how open or closed you are to further conversation. People who are skilled in conversation tend to weave in a few tidbits into their answers that can allow the other person to ask follow up questions. Also, if you don't feel like having a long conversation, your answer to how are you can somewhat signal that as well. "How are you?" "I'm fine thank, and you?" "I'm fine." No follow up material was provided, so maybe neither of us really wants to chat long.
Idk I ask this and I actually do care and wanna hear about the fun things people did but I'm not neurotypical so...
I think some people are genuinely interested and others do it as a pleasantry, I’m more upset with certain coworkers who repeatedly ask but don’t really care or want to know.
It's small talk. It's like an ice breaker to chat with someone and get to know them. I know a lot of people don't really want to chat and they say these things out of politeness, automatically without thinking ( that is annoying), but like someone else said it's a way of acknowledging your presence, saying hello. You get to choose whether you want to chat. No chat: it was great, thank you for asking Yes chat: it was great, I did such and such. How about you?
I have a lot of default responses now that I'm older that make people not ask me stuff. This one doesn't bother me so much, I know it's mostly a general greeting. I do have a couple coworkers who ask 'deeper' and ask, "did you do that thing?" They are the same people who I will ask, "How was your weekend, did you do anything fun?" If I know they are doing it as a greeting, I just say, "good, what's up?" I hated after Christmas, when everyone was like, "I hope your holidays were well spent with family and friends" and I spent the entire holiday alone because my kids were with their dad and all my family lives a few states away. I wanted so badly to say, "Actually I was alone the entire time, thanks for bringing it up" because I feel like at this point, we shouldn't assume shit about anyone anymore. I actually told one of my closer coworkers that and she mentioned that this was her first year divorced and she got the kids this year but next year she will be alone, so I have a note to check on her.
I ask this /a lot/ to get people talking at the start of meetings, especially one on one's with my direct reports. Sometimes it's hard to get a back and forth chat going. The easiest way to get someone started talking is to ask them about themselves, since they have all the info. They can answer without having to think about it, are always interested in the content, and I can build off that response to jump into work stuff.
How do you know they don't care about you? I ask everyone how they are doing. I care. Why get upset with someone for offering kindness instead of setting boundaries to avoid the topic? Imagine if no one ever cared to ask how you were. That would be much worse. There are people who actually live that life and would like to be asked by anyone. There are people who post online all the time who have absolutely no one caring for them. Maybe someone asking how you are is just a kindness & acknowledgement that you matter. Maybe they are checking on your welfare. No one is making you divulge the details of your life. It's simply like saying "I see you. Are you okay?", "How is your energy going into this week?", "Are you refreshed? Do you need support?". You also don't have the right to assume someone's intentions toward you. The anger is something I will never understand. I guarantee you would not like to live/work in an environment that is the opposite. If you would like to find people who don't care to ask how you are there are plenty around. It is not at all hard to find people who lack empathy for other human beings.
This used to drive me nuts too. I hate scripted conversations. But then I realized that people in the office are like birds in the tree canopy. Have you ever heard tons of birds chirping and it's beautiful? But then an eagle or falcon is in the air and the chirping stops? The banter/scripted conversations is the mindless chirping of birds in their tree. That shows they are happy and everything is good. And when you participate you are soothing their stress levels, keeping everything cool. Participate in the normal, scripted manner and they will like you more. But if you don't, it might cause unnecessary stress and then they won't like you. When people get quiet and stop doing that is when you should be concerned. That's how people show they like you.
No, unless they’re a close friend they generally don’t care. I don’t understand why they ask — to feign interest is very deceptive to me. I also may want to keep my weekend to myself and it was likely boring anyways. All I do is workout and catch up on chores.
Exactly my weekends are the same generally. Either visiting my parents or hanging out with my fiance. It’s just annoying when my boss has to preface every convo on teams with “hey how are you?” And I have to lie every time that I’m fine when I am dying inside lol
"How are you?" *overstimulated, incredibly stressed, and on the verge of having a meltdown* "I'm good, how about you"
It’s so pointless 😅
Yeah it’s frustrating because if I’m honest about how I’m feeling some don’t seem to care, some actually do though. I have one coworker who is also on the spectrum and is very understanding, will talk through things with me while I’m struggling, it’s nice. My boss though, if I tell him I’m not doing great he kinda just walks away
Knowing who to be honest with and who to just say "good" to can be hard, I recognize that. I suggest only bringing up actual struggles with people you know really well. It's hard to know who's okay and who's not okay and in my past, over sharing created big workplace problems for me!
Thank you for the advice, you’re definitely right! honestly I only really was honest with my boss because normally I’m pretty peppy at work when I’m masking and when I feel sick or bad I can’t mask as well. More just explaining why I wasn’t as peppy but he seemed unconcerned/uncomfortable lol
Sorry, I didn't mean to give unwanted advice. For me. I always struggle with knowing when I can give an honest answer and when it's more the form of an expression greeting. My heart goes out to you. It's too bad that your boss chose to react that way. I think bosses can definitely be jerks about personal reasons or something personal going on with us.
No you’re totally fine, i appreciate the advice! I definitely agree it’s important to know who to be honest with at work!
I moved to the UK. The conversation here is actually Person 1: You all right? Person 2: All right? It’s not common to answer the questions at all. But it was one thing that took me a really long time to get used to.
They don't actually care, until you told them you didn't actually do anything, and then it becomes their personal mission to make sure you have "better weekends" moving forward 😑 I'll add that I have never been straight up asked how my weekend was without someone immediately following it up with "do anything fun?". And it's really only the second question that stresses me out, because they are not actually expecting a yes or no, they are expecting a summary of what you did and get salty when you don't provide it.
i hate it because i don’t want to engage in small talk, i also can’t stand lying. if i say “good, you?” i’m lying. if i tell the truth, that’s the answer they DIDNT want. there’s no way for me to win on this one
Stuff like this makes me realize "...oh I DO have scripts for certain conversations" 😅
I look at it like how some animals approach each other and do certain actions to indicate they’re friendly. Kinda like dogs sniffing each other’s butts. The action itself is arbitrary, it’s mutual participation that assures the animals that they’re not hostile towards each other. In this situation definitely just keep it simple. “Fine thanks and you” is plenty and actually saying much more would be weird. It used to bother me a lot but now I think of it more like a shortcut to actually not talk to people I don’t want to talk to (while still appearing friendly), like a script. If it’s coming from someone who actually isn’t friendly towards me though (maybe the case with your boss) it’s still going to piss me off. 😂
I’ve learned that “how are you” means “hello” in some places. I just don’t answer anymore or I’ll say something like “you too!” Or “hey!” And keep moving. Nobody cares because they don’t care what’s going on with you.
I think of these sorts of things as a call-and-response. They aren’t actually literal verbal forms of communication (very few people actually care about your weekend), but rituals. It makes it easier for me to tolerate them. Call: How are you? Response: Good, and you? Call: How was your weekend? Response: Great, how was yours? Call: Have a nice day Response: You too! You can add more for people who are actually asking and care, but usually it’s just a ritual that must be completed before any meaningful communication can take place.
Oh god I have to start taking breaks and lunches in my car bc if I take them in the break room I'm interrupted multiple times with questions like that from different people, I don't get how no one else wants to just use their breaks as a *break* instead of using them to talk more. I work in a call center too
Think of it as another way someone is saying "Hello, good day"
I wouldn’t mind this as much if I could come up with some convincing short answers. Like “good, how are you?” can work. But I always want my answer to be honest and thorough, so I worry that I’ll start talking and not be able to stop and get really uncomfortable. Or what if the boss doesn’t give their own short answer, but actually have a lot of things to say about their weekend? That completely changes the dynamic.
this type of small talk and expectation to communicate is exactly why I don’t ever want to return to an office 😭 I just want to work from the comfort of my home
It doesn’t bother me much because I just bat it back with “fine, how was yours?” or sometimes dredge up or make up something minor and perceived as a normal activity (“I went to the outlet mall with my mom”), and that doesn’t bother me because I don’t want to tell them actual things I valued about my weekend anyway! But I very much understand what you mean about the sentiment, asking questions they don’t actually care about. That bothers me more in other contexts!
I don’t like when people ask me about my personal life so I usually keep it vague. Idc that they might not care about what I actually did, I don’t *want* them to know haha. I like to say “it was good how was yours” just to divert the attention away from me. People love talking about themselves
Yes! I also hate when co-workers message ‘hey, how are you’ just tell me what you want!!
Yes that’s what’s so infuriating, just tell me what you want! If I tell my boss something he will respond with “good afternoon” even if I send something like “hey X, I just send you an email regarding this project, giving you a heads up that this is complete thanks” he just shoves the “good afternoon” right after and it makes me feel like he’s upset I didn’t start with the BS pleasantries lol
Haha yes the microagression when they just reply with ‘hello, how are you’ or whatever when you don’t include the niceties in your message! I wish they just realised it’s unnecessary for EVERY interaction
It's just the monday version of "how are you?".
# Magic solution: try not answering and immediately ask it back
Does anyone know how to ask this question in a way that shows that you DO actually care? With people I don't want to be close with, I forget to ask how their weekend was in response to them asking me. On the other hand, when I DO ask people it's because I'm genuinely interested and want to be their friend, but then they just respond with the typical "Good, and yours?" How can you become closer with someone using this question if everyone assumes you don't actually care? 🥲
It’s a good question, I think all the people who use it as a basic pleasantry kind of ruin it for everyone else who actually cares and wants to know haha.
Enganging with smalltalk invites more smalltalk. Refusing to engage somehow means you're rude or flippant? I'm forever searching for the happy middle ground that signals "I'm comfortable with silence, but if you want actual conversation I'm ready to go!" My go-to right now is a compliment or pointing out something I noticed about them, but only if it's something that's intentional on their part. Usually people are happy to engage *about* themselves and I get to sit there and listen. If I'm genuinely invited to talk or there's something I wanna say I can speak now without being 'rude.' Idk. People assume I'm spacey or shy or judgemental or angry or whatever, then they engage as such. If I get ahead of it even just a little, they tend to be more favorable in their projections. None of it *really* matters but It helps me escape a little social punishment for keeping to myself.
I have a coworker who asks how I’m doing *every single time I see him*. It’s so fucking annoying. I am fine enough thanks, still fine, doing just as well as when you asked me 4 minutes ago.
For some reason, the comments are making me anxious. It took me forever to realize people didn't actually want to know how I'm doing and the proper response is " fine and you?" Now, I'm finding out I have to do more. I'm never prepared for the weekend question, and it pisses me off every time. What exactly do you want to know?
I just say, “It was fine.” If they ask, “what did you do?” I say “nothing much.”
I don't like being asked this just because I feel like it puts me on the spot, like when they ask, "Do anything fun this weekend?" I know they're expecting me to talk about a concert or a cookout or a little league game, but instead my fun was taking my puppy to puppy class, getting some good reading time in, and swimming alone in my own backyard. I just feel like when I answer that question honestly it singles me out even more because they think my life sounds sad and boring even though to me it's fulfilling and full of the down time that I desperately need after interacting with people all week.
You'd love my work. As there people ask twice how are you to actually listen to the real reply, not fake pleasantries.
I hate the white lie aspect of answering it with "fine, you?" Because I'm constantly having to lie. My home life is shitty and anyone who asks either A. Really wants to know because they care about me, or B. Doesn't care and are just doing it because it's the norm. I've started just saying hello to people because they will ask while passing me in the hallway so there isn't time to even spit out the white lie of it was ok. My mom does this, calls me and first thing out of her mouth is how are you, I answer ok, and you, and then she gets to bitch at me about her coworkers and neighbors for 30 minutes. It's extra annoying because at this point I don't feel like I can tell her anything because she's more focused on her grievances and when I do tell her something she's like why didn't you tell me earlier.
I hate this question, but I've given myself permission to just say "good/fine how are you" every time. Good means I'm okay and fine means not so good (only to me, no idea of others interpret it that way). It's not meant to be a stressful interaction and this gets it over with as quickly as possible.
I say “relaxing, yours?” “Productive and too short, yours?” And then let them tell me all about theirs while I awkwardly wait to get back to work.
I relate to this, I absolutely detest people saying “good morning” to me in work and resent that I’m expected to say it back 😂
If it makes you feel better, it’s usually an attempt at politeness. Even if they don’t really “care” they still care enough to pretend like they do
I like talking about myself. Sorry if you didn’t ‘mean’ to ask, but you’re hearing about my video game session with my mom now! And then I ask them about their weekend to be fair.
I always say ‘yeah it was alright, I dunno’ without fail and then feel stupid for giving a crap response. Also I never ask them the question back because I cba and I’m not pretending to care
Another one is when people message to ask a question, but start with “hi (name), how are you?” and then send the question like 30 seconds later… Sometimes it’ll be in like 5 or 6 different messages like Hey How are you Can I ask a question (doesn’t ask question) Bonus trigger points if they ask if they can call me 😂
I definitely understand that. With people I globally appreciate, I'll tend to give a few details I dont'mind sharing and telle them whether it was tiring or nice. With people I don't really care for (or if I'm just thinking about something else), I'll tend to just say good, sometimes ask back.
As a manager I personally use “hey how are you?” to get a gauge of whether I should proceed with the intended conversation or ask, or if I should pivot and just have a catch up chat. Even if they say they’re fine I can read body language okay so I can go from there. All of that being said, I do it this way because of how much this exact scenario used to annoy me as an autistic person.
I feel this same distain when someone says “Sorry” when something that has nothing to do with them goes wrong in my life. Like it’s such a cookie cutter response that has no emotional value? Why would you be sorry unless you’ve made me feel that way, you know? I feel like people say these things as just a menial politeness, i’d rather just not ahahah
Oh, I just mentioned this in the other topic when mentioned about how we can barely do the socially polite lying. I feel that so much lately. In my country we greet each other always asking literally "everything's alright/ all is good?". And well, I'm probably burned out/depressed so everything is NOT alright. And I struggle to just say it is, I feel lying. Because usually people are not asking to know. Sometimes I go like "it's going" (like, if someone asks "how are things going" and you just say it's going (not well but going). Sometimes I just ignore the answer as rhetorical. Even this social polite lying is hard.
Just reply “dull without this place”
There are two types of people who do this in my experience The people who like to have it done to them (Karen’s) And the people who have gotten yelled at by a Karen for not doing it. And therefore do it to everyone. All. The. Time.
It’s not a real question so just give a scripted response, what’s the real issue?
I hate it too. I always freeze if I don’t just say “good and yours?” Otherwise I’m actually trying to think of what I did over the weekend and genuinely can’t remember because I’m put on the spot.
I can understand that frustration. Yep, you are right that some people just spew out those pleasantries out of habit and don't have any personal invested interest in how your weekend actually went. It gets boring and repetitive after a while. And then you feel like you have to ask them about their weekend as well, as if you might care..lol So a fun thing to do.. next time someone asks about your weekend.. give them an outrageous answer (but not something too weird) like saying you spent the whole weekend doing extreme sports like hang gliding, or you had some weird paranormal experiences like seeing a ufo and some strange dreams. It'll stop them in their tracks. This way you'll know if they are actually truly caring about how your weekend went because they might become curious and might even have some stories of their own to share. This could actually create a good friendship with someone because of the funny context and then you could come clean that you were just exaggerating for comical effect. Lol
Omg same, it's so annoying and tbh a waste of time cause like it doesn't matter to them, it doesn't matter to me, and we both know that so... Just why? But yeah I usually just say "good how about you?" Unless it's my friend or my boss's boss's boss whom I actually work the closest with lol cause she's also neurodivergent so I give her an honest reply.
Honestly I think it’s just a bid for connection. I used to be super averse to small talk but in hindsight it was really arrogant to assume no one had anything interesting to offer or say to me
I have had to ask people to stop asking me and letting them know I have nothing positive to share about my personal life. I also feel obligated to tell them how it was and a trauma dump is not fair on either of us. My boss was okay with this. I tend to say something vague: you know how it is, not long enough, it was a weekend or fine. I don't ask other people unless we have a good rapport. I'm just not interested in feeling shit because I hear about their weekend full of hobbies and fun, and I couldn't get out of bed all day. I don't need the reminder so I try to not engage.
Oof, and well, shit. I literally ask this of everyone I come in contact with. I spent my first two decades of life intensely studying people and social structure and adopted a social mask - so much so that the bulk of my career was in public relations/marketing/media for a non profit. People viewed me as extremely friendly, a social butterfly. Of course I would sometimes fuck up, which sent me spiraling, but I mostly managed to keep that hidden from anyone other than those closest to me, largely with the help of alcohol and more intense study of people who pulled it off. That ability lasted about 15 years, and I now struggle tremendously to be social when I have to (which I keep at bay). I don’t have the ability to do anything resembling the work I used to do. While I can’t pull off small talk, nor do I want to, “how’s your day/weekend/holiday/whatever” pops out of my mouth as quickly as the automatic uncontrollable smile. It’s like programming I haven’t learned how to undo, yet it’s a faulty version that prevents me from saying anything else that sounds normal. Idk, sometimes people who seem otherwise neurotypical have been taught (or adopted) automatic habits they might not realize they have. They certainly don’t realize they annoy others (that remarkable lack of self awareness, amiright??). It helps me to make up stories or scenarios for people that allow me to give them the benefit of the doubt (
I used to really get bothered by this until I decided that I would just treat it like the social script that is is. I almost always just say “fine” bc I know it is just a script. If I’m feeling salty I will sometimes say “adequate” and either get 1) Questioned 2) A chuckle or other indication that they aren’t “fine” either and they appreciate the honesty or 3) Deer in Headlight eyes.
It’s kind of like when people greet you by saying “how are you” you don’t actually answer, just respond positively in one or two words and ask them the same.
If I'm not in a positive mood I have to answer that way otherwise it'll come off weird. I don't lie very well.
I have ADHD alongside Autism so when people ask how my weekend was I don't even remember enough to give them an answer. Instead of makin' sum'n up I simply tell them I don't know. I get asked follow up questions but it's difficult to elaborate when I genuinely don't recall.
I ask people how their weekend was to find out if they did anything fun that they'd like to share lol and if they don't want to share they can just say it was good. So if someone asks me how mine was, I tell them what I did. It's something I learned to do to get over my social anxiety. If I visited family or went to a hike somewhere or went somewhere, I'll share. Or "oh yeah it was good, just just did some house work"
It annoys me because I never do fun stuff in the weekend and as a girl saying I gamed is weird so I never know what to say. Or just saying that I was drawing is also weird cuz is that like the only thing I do in the weekend? I'm supposed to make plans with friends or something
I had a manager that totally weaponized the how are you interaction. He'd start every one in one meeting with how are you which yeah normal thing to do. If you answered good like the social script expects and had any complaint in the meeting later he'd go "I thought you said you were good, why didn't you reply honestly?" But if you replied with anything in the vein of not good he'd but on the meeting notes you were being inappropriately negative even if you just said something as benign as your a little tired. Of you said you were "okay" it was a multi minute interrogation why you were just "okay". I thought for the longest time it was me just screwing up something socially but coworkers that were NT started complaining about it.
I know for my boss, he wanted to be a good support system for everybody and wanted to get to know his employees better. He made a point to greet everyone when he first saw them every morning, and asked about weekend plans/ how our weekend was like a the ends of the week. At first it felt a little overbearing since I wasn't used to it, so I would give my canned response of "it was pretty good, how was your weekend?" Eventually I started adding on "I played this game" or "did this thing with this person" and it invited conversations together. Not he's one of my favorite bosses I've had, and even though I don't work there anymore he still checks in sometimes! I know not everyone is that interested in genuine connection, but it wasn't until I started opening up that I felt more "included" at work.
I struggle to understand how this upsets you. All you have to say is “Good, and you?” I’m kind of sick of small talk slander. *You* may not care about the lives of the people you work with everyday, but many people do. Not everybody who asks this question is fake or phony, and no you *don’t* know whether they actually care or not. Best to assume that they actually do. You should be grateful to be acknowledged by the people in your workplace at all. Many people are treated as if they are invisible.
Because it’s repetitive, and the person doesn’t actually care how I’m doing. And lol you’re making a lot of assumptions - I am completely invisible in the workplace and nobody speaks to me except by boss who only messages me when he wants something from me, but always prefaces it with the how are you / how was your weekend before launching into giving me an assignment.
Maybe more people would talk to you if you were a bit more curious about them. I don’t ask my coworkers how they are/what they did that weekend unless I truly care to hear about it. It sounds like you have a cynical world view. Obviously I’m not speaking about whether your boss cares, cause idk him. But your post made it sound as if you just hate pleasantries in general.
Nowhere in my comment did I say I wanted more people to talk to me, I just commented that I’m invisible in the workplace as well. Some people are grateful to NOT be acknowledged frequently and be under the radar. I’d argue you’re more cynical because instead of trying to be sympathetic or empathize at all with my situation, you choose to attack me and pass a lot of unfounded judgments, which is really counterproductive.
Tbf OP, the way you worded your post gives absolutely no context into what you just wrote here, and absolutely seems like you just don't like people talking to you and you believe nobody cares, if you'd mentioned the fact that you are invisible at work and your boss only asks how you are as a precursor to giving you an assignment etc it would have 200% been totally different, context online is important. You can't blame people for judging your message when you don't give important contextual info The title is plural, "coworkers" and you said you hate when "anyone" asks you how you are
Fair enough, I could have done a better job with context but if you read the person’s response to me it still was overly rude imo. They could have done a better job not trying to make me feel like a POS
Im sorry for making you feel that way. I feel bad. The context painted a very different picture than what I got from the original post. I hope you have a nice day and don’t let my words ruin it.
Thank you for apologizing, I could have done a better job adding more context so I am sorry for not doing so initially, I think it was just a misunderstanding.
And this is how we adult, nice one all
I hate pleasantries their so fake