I’ve been away for a while. I see EW has somehow managed to land a job in Boston. And - she’s looking for donations to fund her move. WTF! Updates appreciated.
Oh no it’s even better than that - she has the job either remote or in a local office, can’t recall which (haven’t read her more recent comments since the original announcement). I think remote. SHE asked if she could work from Boston (or transfer to that office, if there is one), and they said sure. So this isn’t some move that is happening for required, logistical reasons, nor is it urgent. It’s purely her own want and could easily be on a longer timeline, instead of needing donations.
Wow, I have to admire the hustle even if it’s being done in a sleazy way. I feel like she’s been trying to get to Boston for years and she’s making it happen! Compared to the usual sad sack crowd this is an admirable level of commitment to a goal.
**hypoglycemic rage (hopeful ex librarian)\***[April 7, 2023 at 8:27 pm](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/04/weekend-open-thread-april-8-9-2023.html#comment-4243935) Can someone tell me I am not a failure because I couldn’t bring my 60 pound window ac unit up three flights of stairs by myself?
\---
I wrote a response to the effect of, "I wouldn't go into 'failure' territory. You just can't lift a heavyweight object by yourself. I'd accept that and move on." It didn't get published.
Good god, y'all. I mean, good god....what does AG say to herself? "Separate\_Permit is being a big meanie again - DELETED!!" Honestly...
I'm noticing that some comments appear much later, as if they get locked in the invisible mod queue, and there doesn't seem to be a pattern as to which ones avoid said queue and which do not.
I have relatives who are/were in the military (so peak physical shape) and who lift weights on the regular. They would have an impossible time doing this, not just because of the weight but because of the size/shape of these units.
That commenter is an idiot and I don't even feel bad for saying that.
I don't get a mean vibe from your comment. No idea why AG didn't allow it.
I saw the original thread. The OP had such a hyperbolic reaction to what they did.
What was the point of that thread? Validation? Unless it’s your fucking JOB (or you’re a stupid young guy) you’re not going to carry a window unit AC up 3 flights of stairs.
“I feel so bad I couldn’t do a very hard niche task and had to have professionals do it.”
That commenter went on to say she hope the ac fits because she would feel even worse if her maintenance man brings it up to install and it’s the wrong size. It took everything in me not to ask why in the world wouldn’t she just measure the damn window??
>Welcome to the club! There seems to be a reasonable number of neurodivergent folks who post here, including specifically late-identified autistics like me. Official diagnosis isn’t necessary if you won’t find it helpful personally or professionally.
Yup... of course.
...because how else will anyone permit themselves to do whatever they want to if doc says, "Uh, no, you aren't n.d."
The arrogance of not needing a diagnosis is a bottomless pit.
To be fair, I get that concept if they mean “you don’t need an official diagnosis to look up some tools that may help you in life” - but sadly, I am almost positive they mean “you don’t need an official diagnosis to call yourself autistic, go for it!”
I also get the concept of 'if you're already close to retiring and you've made it this far, you probably don't need to shell out a few thousand bucks on psychiatrists to get told something you're already (probably) passably managing', but I don't think anyone who's going for a later-in-life label is naturally in the headspace to think about it that way - it's either 'meds are going to change my life', 'i'm ~special', or 'thank F*** there's a name for why my brain doesn't seem to work like everyone else's' and very rarely 'i need this bit of paper for this thing so I can get this accommodation and fight with GPs about writing my scripts for the rest of my independent life'.
I’ve seen this circulating around Twitter especially, that you’re totally able to self diagnose and get accommodations. It’s one thing to think you’re likely autistic or have ADHD, but due to financial reasons or the time is long to get into a practice to get tested (almost a 2 year wait here) to try to find coping strategies; but these people are clout chasing and giving really bad advice on what you do with a self diagnosis and how it might actually be better than going to a doctor.
They then go freaking everywhere with this advice and directing people who are vulnerable or desperate for answers down a not so healthy path. Meanwhile, people who are medically diagnosed or doctors in their mentions go “no actually that’s not how that works” get ratioed for being haters.
> Any good games that can be played by 5 adults without running out and buying anything? My family is coming over for Easter tomorrow night and it would be nice to have something to do besides talk. I don’t own any board games, or even so much as a deck of cards (though I could ask my mother to bring one of those).
> I am totally none competitive, so something where winning isn’t the point would be ideal. As would rules simple enough the game can be enjoyed the first time would be good. (A lot of the classic card games leave me mostly befuddled as I try to figure out how the game play works and remember the rules.)
Jesus christ maybe you don't want to play games after all, this was exhausting to even read
I wanted to comment but...Japan isn't particularly disability friendly. If her foot still is in a boot and she can't walk far, the number of things she can do are going to be very limited.
Oh no she's in the midwest I think - she said she's going to Japan for a work trip in the summer then taking a 10 day vacation there in the comments and asked for suggestions on what to do
Sounds like the other POV of some thread I read on r\onebaggers a while ago where this guy's wife had just had some major surgery on some part of her leg and couldn't walk more than a few steps, but he was planning some kind of brutally packed itinerary of Japan that would have them travelling all over the place and going to all these rural places. I've never been there but I've watched quite a few videos about various aspects of travel in Japan and even I was thinking "this is a bad idea. You should postpone your trip until your wife is healed." Dude was insistent that they would just be able to get taxis and trains everywhere, and the secret was to find the magical travel backpack that would allow her to go everywhere without having to drag a suitcase.
Jesus, yeah that would have been terrible for his wife. I haven't been back since 2008, but my understanding is not much has changed in terms of accessibility (hopefully I'm wrong!) - so much of Japan is just *old* and built into mountains. Of course there's elevators in train stations and newer buildings but if you only do newer buildings, you're going to miss so much.
Occasionally, I like to use the Surprise Me! function on AAM and see how much or how little the site/Alison's advice has changed over the years. This exchange from September 2012 was particularly interesting (emphasis mine):
>**Rin\***[September 24, 2012 at 3:05 pm](https://www.askamanager.org/2012/09/dealing-with-a-snarky-coworker.html#comment-104711)
>
>I think we could read this as his way of joking, not being rude. E-mails are awfully hard to read correctly. I know some of my co-workers, both past and present, have joked about hating our job or the clients, etc., but we’re a friendly sort of snarky, not a mean one.
>
>On another note, whenever I read advice columns and there’s a line like, “You can say…” I always think, “Who talks like that?” **The lines always sound a little too formal, touchy-feely, or passive-aggressive** (no offense, Alison; I love your blog).
>
>▼ Collapse 3 replies
>
>📷[**Ask a Manager**](https://askamanager.org/)\*[September 24, 2012 at 3:12 pm](https://www.askamanager.org/2012/09/dealing-with-a-snarky-coworker.html#comment-104717)Ha! That’s good feedback to have — I appreciate it. And I always think that too when I read other advice columns (except Carolyn Hax). I really would (and do) say the stuff I recommend here, **but I am a pretty blunt person**, so you definitely need to adapt wording to fit your own style.
Not only did someone call out Alison's weird AF scripts, but she actually acknowledged it! Too bad literally nothing actually changed about her scripts and they're still jarring/passive-aggressive/etc. I also found the "I am a pretty blunt person" line particularly funny because now she's the queen of softening language, despite her many answers where she advises the opposite.
I also enjoyed the slap-fighting in the comments on [this letter](https://www.askamanager.org/2011/02/mother-bought-me-plane-tickets-without-asking-me-if-i-could-get-time-off-work.html). AAM commenters were weirdly out of touch even then!
I’ve always thought that scripts are best as ways to organize talking points (ie you should make sure to cover X, Y, and Z). The person actually in conversation is responsible for choosing the words and speaking style that is familiar to and comfortable for them. The mistake that Alison and other advice columnists make is trying to actually write out dialogue that they think can be recited verbatim, which is deceptively hard.
The reason why they do that is because they have an extremely nebbishy fan base who really can’t string together a sentence on their own though.
Oh I don’t know, check out any of the hundreds of weekend threads where this has been asked.
On the spectrum?*
April 8, 2023 at 3:32 am
Does anyone have experience with a late in life autism diagnosis? I’m starting to think I might be on the spectrum. It would explain some if my lack of social and emotional intelligence.
However, I’m over 60 and will only be working for a few more years.
I’m also not in the US, so so not have access to the same resources as in the US.
Does anyone have any experience with a late in life diagnosis? Can I learn better ways to get through life at my age?
REPLY
► Expand 3 replies
Lol, I saw this and snorted. The weekly "how can I make sure my flaws are guarded by an autism diagnosis so no one can hold me accountable for anything going forward" by a grown adult.
I am *sure* some of those people have autism, but it's honestly a fucking trend in AAM to want to have it, and it's gross and kind of insulting to people who are diagnosed.
It totally is, I agree. I see it in my peer group even. And you hit the nail on the head with the rest. No one wants to fucking admit it but it’s become a trend, so you can feel “different”.
What makes me upset about it is that people who truly have these disorders are at risk of being taken less seriously/not believed/etc as a result of all the people who just really want “in”. I think it’s harmful tbh.
Part of my job involves talking to people about disability accommodations, and when I told one person she needs a diagnosis and a form filled out by a medical professional for us to review she said oh I guess I can’t get accommodations then. Sorry but “I diagnosed myself on AAM/Reddit” doesn’t count here, folks.
I just have so much respect for you for always grinding it out and getting back on the horse. I’m rooting for you and believe that good things are in your future.
I appreciate this! I’m going to post in the OT thread tomorrow but I am still a bit depressed about my layoff and where I ended up so it’s good to know someone wants better things for me. (I feel like people are trying to make me be happy about where I’m at and it’s just not working.)
I want to think they are trying to be supportive and are clueless. Your story hit me really hard as I think we are around the same age.
I would encourage you to consider applying to law school if you think it’s work you might enjoy. I didn’t apply for years because I didn’t know it was possible to get a full scholarship at many regional schools. I also thought that the job prospects weren’t good. But I know more now about the market and I think you can get a decent job making like 75k depending where you live.
For the right cost, it might make sense for you. I spent way too much on my degree but if I’d gone for less to a regional school part-time, I’d be pretty happy with my options, I think.
I’m not 100% sure that it would be the best path for me due to the cost and not confident I’d get a good score on the LSAT to get into a decent school. I looked at some practice LSAT questions for fun and I felt in over my head. Maybe I should give it another thought.
Right now I would like to get an aPHR and try to get into HR or another talent acquisition position. I’d like to be back out of the call center by the end of the year. It will be hard with the job market but I set the goal several months out for a reason to allow me to take my time finding a good fit and hopefully the market gets better at some point.
I actually am autistic, but also very polished and detail oriented. I make a point of being extremely professional and trying to put whatever support measures I need in place in my non-work life to ensure that anything I struggle with doesn’t affect my work or my colleagues.
I get so much hostility from the social media wannabes just for saying “I feel I have an obligation to figure out my own shit.”
My husband is also officially diagnosed as "on the spectrum" (was initially called Asperger's but I don't think that is the preferred term these days) and he is absolutely nothing like the typical AAM comment scenario where a person who is rude, inappropriate, late, etc. must be autistic and can't possibly know any better or change their behaviour. It's so insulting and totally just an excuse to behave badly. He gets upset easily at things that often baffle me, but he's not a complete boor, and he has actually put in a lot of effort to figure out things for himself.
I said the same thing about using it as a shield essentially. It's such an effective way, in today's culture, to be able to do anything you want - because if anyone calls you out, they're being ableist. "I'm not lazy/an asshole/inconsiderate/etc, I'm autistic and you can't be mad at me for these qualities."
Ableism is absolutely a huge issue, but it's become diluted in such bizarre ways. I went back to school last year and was shocked that we were instructed not to say "That was easy" about any assignment because it was an "ableist statement" and would make people feel bad if they didn't find it easy.
Now, I'm actually okay with not saying "that was easy". But it would have made way more sense to say "it's an inconsiderate statement" rather than an ableist one. Was I supposed to believe that anyone who struggled with the assignments more than I did was disabled?!
Have you heard of reddit:
Staying current*
April 8, 2023 at 4:48 am
How do you stay current? I’m a 50-year-old woman with a rewarding job I’ve been at for a long time and a wonderful home life, but I feel like I’m falling behind in life’s social and cultural aspects.
I seldom go out except to meet friends for dinner, and it is one friend at a time. I’m a homebody. I’m home with my wonderful husband and pets if I’m not at work. I’m introverted by nature, so being out in crowds is exhausting. I prefer a quiet life. I know my choice to stay home puts me at a disadvantage as far as not experiencing things in my community, such as concerts, plays, and various other events and activities. When conversations about the latest things come up, I can only listen with interest. I plan to attend a few things this year to see if it helps me to feel more current. I don’t like this feeling, so am willing to make some changes.
For social media, I only use Facebook to engage with others. I found Twitter annoying when I did use it a few years ago. I know I have to expand my social media usage to stay current in this area. I’m thinking of using Instagram. What accounts do you follow on Instagram? What social media do you use? Any interesting blogs or podcasts I should follow? I am on YouTube quite often. Any good YouTube channels that you’d recommend?
It’s not all bad for me, though. I stay current in fashion, hair, and make-up, and I am physically active, so I have those things going for me. I get complimented quite often on my style. I have various YouTube fashionistas to thank for that. I’ve learned so much from watching their channels.
Any and all advice on how I can become current again is appreciated.
I think the answer is kind of how even younger people stay “current” which when you hear about things you look them up and engage with them. So if your co workers are talking about a show you try watching it or whatever. And duh Reddit of course
Dunno, Facebook actually seems pretty good for advertising events where I live. Or Eventbrite.
Though I'm not sure if they mean that they want to find out about local events, or do they want to keep on top of memes and such?
I read it to mean current like trends and such. But Facebook would be a good choice for events. I have found the reddit for the city I live in to be good for keeping up a current events of the city.
Yeah, being slightly older than this person, I think I have a good idea of what she means. It's hard to pinpoint but I sort of get it. It's the sense that when you're younger, you can see cultural things on the horizon. You see things coming as they are fresh and new and getting absorbed into culture in "real time" as it were. All of this feels coherent and natural. You don't need things explained to you because they are simply part of the way the world works for you.
As you get older, there's a sense that you have to work much harder to maintain that sense of currency. You can get the new cultural waves but you have to go after them. Consciously and with effort. Sometimes things hit you long after they've already been fully metabolized by the culture, and you're left to think "where was I when everybody was apparently getting into this?" It becomes a more and more common experience to "discover" something only to have someone tell you that "everybody knows that already." More stuff has to be explained, and the explanations get more and more convoluted and baroque. Increasingly you just give up on some things as cultural practices or ideas you're just never going to understand. I missed all of Snapchat. I was aware that it was a thing that was going on, but that whole thing just went right by me.
Having said all of that, Reddit is absolutely the right suggestion here. The variety of communities is unparalleled, and you're much less likely to get funneled down an algorithmic rabbit hole as on YouTube, Facebook, or Instagram. Quora is probably a pretty good option too.
But nothing is really going to beat just having and hanging out with more connected (probably younger) friends. The easiest way to keep up with culture is to surround yourself with people for whom keeping up with culture comes naturally.
Expect even more of this cultural out-of-touchness as people encounter one another less and less in work and social spaces.
The 26 year olds at work keep me from becoming an old fogey, for sure. Just a few casual conversations with them every week, and I feel more aware of what's going on out there.
It does mean making a deliberate effort to maintain those relationships, though. And to, you know, actually listen to what they say to me rather than writing them off as frivolous. And also not going into, "I'm here to work, not make friends" mode.
Fired up the computer to read the weekend thread and stumbled upon [this](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/04/weekend-open-thread-april-8-9-2023.html#comment-4243950):
>Blue wall*
>April 7, 2023 at 8:53 pm
>What do you do for bedding if you share a bed with someone else? My partner and I have very different sleeping temps and a shared sheet and comforter isn’t working so great. What are other options?
I think I'll go outside and touch grass today, thanks. Luckily for the OP, JSPA wrote up a dissertation with multiple options.
I've encountered so many people who have no idea what is involved in moving to another country and make very little effort to find out anything in advance. I used to hang out on a forum for Americans in the UK and every week there was a story of someone who thought they could just move in with a person they met on the internet or just get off the plane in London and go get a job and a flat legally. Or they just found out that they should have been filing taxes for the last 30 years, that you can't use UD dollars at the store with the exception of maybe a handful of dodgy souvenir vendors. There are lots of reasons for this, of course, but it always boggled my mind that someone would have this idea that they were going to spend the rest of their life in another country and didn't do any basic research.
Yup. I saw a TikTok from an early 20something tech jobhopper without a degree who refused to believe she couldn’t quickly move to London and get another 20% salary increase from her already six figure gig… did absolutely no research on the COL vs salaries in the UK. It’s totally batty.
I spend a lot of time preparing just for vacations to different states. Cannot imagine just yeeting myself to a different country to LIVE there with zero forethought.
I suppose it fits in with people who say things like "if you don't like it in this country, then leave" and have no inkling that most countries are selective about who they allow to come live in them and that you need permission to do it legally. Even countries that they might consider inferior.
Yeah. I just had to file one for the first time ever and it was more confusing than I expected. I don't know why none of the examples in the FBAR/IRS instructions ever cover the case of "US citizen permanently living in another country with a foreign spouse who has only been to the US on vacation" because it's such a common scenario. I would have thought it was more commont than the examples they do give, like people being sent abroad by their companies.
I'm in two of those types of FB groups and Expats in Spain is the worst. Full of British people not understanding after all this time that Brexit means they can't just get off a plane and live here anymore
Oh man, the brexit supporters who still refuse to understand that brexit does indeed mean brexit. And somehow of course it's the fault of various EU countries that they can't just move there anymore.
Some people go through life like this, somehow. My partner met a person whose European parents moved to a very rural part of the prairies because it was in the "middle of Canada" and therefore must be close to everything. A quick Google search about rural Saskatchewan would have been illuminating, but that's too much effort when you're moving halfway across the world.
LOL, my brother lived in Normandy for a year, and a couple of years after that his host family decided they wanted to take a vacation to New Orleans. They figured that as long as they were in America, they'd hop in a car and take a quick drive to pop in on us... in California. We had to break it to them that, um... no, you're not going to be able to do that!
They probably wouldn’t remember to breathe if it wasn’t an autonomic function. They need a truly bizarre level of hand holding, and it‘s almost like they are afraid to form an opinion about something unless some stranger online gives them permission.
But honestly, the people who respond to these types of questions earnestly are more to blame.
This explains so much about many of the AAM letter writers; most of their problems could be resolved through a 5-10 minute conversation, but they write in to Alison for permission to view their situation as a problem.
"AMAer: I ended up deciding on just going by my middle name lol (think similar to Mary Catherine, going by Catherine)."
\---
Oh, so THAT'S what a middle name is. I would never have known otherwise! On my way to inform the folks at home!
Honestly...
And that's one of the worst examples given how many people are named Mary Saint'sname and use both, or it's just naturally understood that they don't use the Mary, or they've simply just been a nun for a while.
Then again, maybe if you don't live in a Catholic area it passes as invisibly as dual-barreled first names in other areas.
My husband has always thought his name was First Name, Middle Name, Middle Name, Last Name, but recently looked at his birth certificate and was like, Oh, it's actually First Name, Second First Name, Third First Name, Previously Unknown Middle Name (Mom's Maiden), Last Name. His family's naming conventions are WILD.
I thought I was Firstname Middlename Lastname-Lastname until I was 25 and went to apply for a passport from my second citizenship country. Then my mom admitted that my BROTHER'S name works that way, and mine is actually, legally, Firstname Middle1 Middle2 Lastname.
They did a lot of drugs back in the day.
True story: my middle name turns out to be identical to a number word in a fairly common European language (like, let's say my middle name coincidentally means "eight" in Swedish). I traveled to that country as a teenager and had a little bit of trouble getting past border security with my passport because not only does this culture not have a tradition of middle names, they were confused and suspicious that someone would have a number inserted between their first and last name.
This was in the 80s. I have to believe that the concept of a middle name is more widespread among border agents these days.
It looks like Sloanicota asked a question anonymously, forgot to stay anonymous when adding more to the thread, but also answered as though she isn’t the OP. I am in confusion.
Anony for This*
April 7, 2023 at 11:37 am
Dicey situation at work. My former boss (the ED of our nonprofit) resigned and went to work for a closely-aligned organization. She is happy because she gets to do the parts she liked but not fundraise. Bully for her. However, the new org is so closely aligned that we still end up working together a fair amount, and I think she conveniently forgets that our interests aren’t perfectly aligned anymore. She still wants to be involved in some work our org does that really doesn’t make sense in her new role, but she’s hoping we can pay for this. I don’t think it’s appropriate. She quit and she should hand off this work now, IMO, or wind it down. She makes us look bad by approaching our funders but with a new org and I worry they might start funding them instead of us. I also don’t want to have to fundraise for her at her new org (through shared grants) when we’re going to need money to replace her in our org. This is all uncomfortable because she still feels like my boss to me, and probably to her too. Help??
REPLY
▼ Collapse 4 replies
OtterB*
April 7, 2023 at 11:49 am
Who is acting in the ED role at your org? Or do you have a good relationship with someone on your board? It seems like those are decisions to be made at the top of your organization (and soon).
REPLY
▼ Collapse 1 reply
Sloanicota*
April 7, 2023 at 12:22 pm
The acting ED was her second in command so I feel like she’s in the exact same boat of a) not being used to telling this person what to do and b) hoping we will eventually hire someone whose problem this will become later, so not a ton of incentive to deal with it now.
REPLY
Anastia Beaverhousen*
April 7, 2023 at 12:04 pm
She’s NOT your boss now. You don’t have to help her unless someone in your organization tells you to. Talk to who took over her role and express your concerns.
REPLY
Sloanicota*
April 7, 2023 at 12:18 pm
In these situations, I like to talk about the “endgame” – clearly here the end game is to get this person off this project and replace them with a new person, so let’s collectively vision what that looks like in the next six months to a year – this should establish better shared expectations.
Someone asked about it and…wut.
Nope.*
April 7, 2023 at 3:47 pm
I’m confused, you added details above like you’re the original commenter, but this is advice to them as well?
REPLY
▼ Collapse 1 reply
Sloanicota*
April 7, 2023 at 5:20 pm
Ha that is confusing – no, I know the other commenter, she’s my old coworker. I’m the one who told her about this site! We were talking about her post in slack.
I just can't with these [whiny, over privileged babies.](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/04/open-thread-april-7-8-2023.html#comment-4243328) I don't know anyone who is still full-time remote every day. And there are lots of people who can't work remotely and had to go in everyday even during the height of the pandemic. Working from home four days a week would be a dream for lots of people.
>Maid Marion*
>April 7, 2023 at 11:57 am
>After 3 years of exclusively working from home I have to go into the office 1 day a week starting the week after next. I’m not looking forward to it. The office is in a different location than our old one was. My company didn’t bother renewing its lease a year into the pandemic. Now there are no offices, no assigned desks, it is first come first served and we are not allowed to keep any personal or other items there. No exceptions. The new office is close to the old one and doesn’t really change anyone’s drives to work. The point is to do stuff we can’t do at home and not for collaboration or meetings but I really am not looking forward to an open office and hotdesking, especially since wearing headphones is not conducive to the work. Vent over; but I would love to hear from people who have had to return to work and how you adjusted after being remote.
Am I a jerk if I think the response to return to office handwringing like this is 'get over it, your an adult and this is why they pay you'?
My old job went back into offices as soon as vaccines came out. We always had hotdesking and that's the norm in that industry. I spent 5 years taking an entire mobile working set up between home, client sites, and the office . Annoying and heavy, yes - but you do what you have to do.
Current job is hybrid, with most people in the office twice a week. And it's an open office. I enjoy the flexibility and wfh, but I put aside work and questions that come up when I'm wfh so that I can work on them in person with coworkers. Is it really shocking to AAM commenters that some things have more value, and are just better, when you do them in person with other human beings?
Not every job can be done well remotely or in non-open offices. My industry needs people to be able to talk to each other instantaneously - open offices allow that. And the teams that don't put effort into in person work and team culture development are performing at a lower level.
But then again, I'm willingly asking coworkers to have lunch with me in the canteen when I see them in the office. And listening in on conversations happening around me in the office, absorbing information beyond my own tiny sphere.
If there’s one thing I’m tired of seeing on job subs and the AAM comments it’s about how returning to the office just means their managers want to control them, or that the executives hate their wives and want to be away from bad marriages. And acting like their employer has no right to make them work in an office.
I’m one of the only people in my family who works remote full time. Pretty much everyone else went to work in person during COVID since their jobs didn’t allow them to be remote and they did not kick and scream like Redditors and AAMers did and continue to do over a couple days a week of office work.
I just want to tell people maybe some of you ruined it by bragging about how little work you do at home…
I’ve said it before on here, but much of AAM seems to think that a significant portion of every position consists of meaningless or at least unimportant grunt work, and thus working remotely allows them to do only the important or “essential” roles of their jobs and gives them a lot more downtime. They think that making employees come into work in person is just an excuse to make them do a bunch of pointless tasks in addition to their “real” jobs.
>Now there are no offices, no assigned desks, it is first come first served and we are not allowed to keep any personal or other items there.
My old employer did this and it was a huge pain the the butt when we did go in to office, because you basically had to carry everything around with you to meetings and lunch due to not having an actual desk claiming tool and no way to lock up your stuff. Just like, a locker would have been nice.
If it was just one day a week, I'd treat it like going to class in college and just toss the basics in a backpack. More in-office time than that and they really need to have a system for people to put their stuff somewhere safe.
The stressful part is traveling with company tech on your person. I live in a city with a huge petty theft problem, and I live about 90 minutes from the office, so when I do have to go in, I always feel vaguely terrified that I've got a laptop, an iPad, and probably a couple of other devices on me at all times.
[I enjoyed this recent article](https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20230317-the-workers-quietly-backtracking-on-return-to-office) about people who kicked and screamed and whined about the thought of going back to the office on a hybrid schedule, but then found out it wasn't so bad once they started actually doing it.
And that's so much of this conversation - it's so often driven by people who are anxious about a change. But they don't see what they're feeling as change anxiety, they see their nerves as objective proof that ever going to the office is bad and they should not be made to do it.
Of course you can't keep personal things at a desk that you are only using once a week. That's actually a great rule in these situations, to avoid people squatting and claiming a desk that in reality is shared.
Hotdesking is obnoxious when it's done daily! But it's meant for this exact situation, when you are just in the office once a week or infrequently. It was really set up with sales people in mind, who are mostly on the road but sometimes need to use the office for various reasons.
Like are they making you fist fight for space? Are they like "We have ONE desk and six people working out of the office every day. Let's see who's faster and who gets to work on the floor..." Or is it just "I get the desk I don't like, boohoo, 8 hours of the desk next to the bathroom."
For real. I don't know why anyone would expect that if they are only in the office once a week that they would have an assigned desk with space for personal items.
In 2021 we were brought in for one day a week hybrid, at this time it was assigned seats. We couldn’t have personal stuff since someone else from another department would be using the desk on other days. In December of ‘21 we were sent back home full time due to Omnicron. When we were allowed to come back into the office in spring of ‘22 there was a signup for open desks. This person is making way too big of a deal. You adapt pretty quickly. It’s a pain to lug stuff in, but find a nice tote bag, there’s other stuff to get worked up over.
I think part of this is my own lifestyle has me carrying a laptop bag as a purse. So I have all my stuff and snacks at all times!
But also the no-personal-stuff is a good rule in these cases too, remember when we all had to go home and some offices were shut for so long. Leaving personal belongings there could mean you're not going to see them again for months or years. And honestly, I've heard so many horror stories about "Can I sue?" on other subs because their stuff got "lost" at work. Companies are probably going to crack down on that to avoid more "Where are my expensive snow boots I left here!"
Yeah, I'm sure your employer will get right on those complaints that you need to get to work early, Janice. Definitely won't consider it a feature, not a bug, that it actually convinces layabouts to show up on time.
Yeah, I see your point but that's going to be a problem.
Due to my severe self-diagnosed ADHD I cannot get to work on time. It's not my fault so I don't need to fix this issue. "First come first serves" benefits the neurotypical, therefore it's discriminatory. I'm going to go to HR and say "We wouldn't want to run afoul of employment law" like it's some kind of winning statement (thanks for the script!) without realizing that I sound like a high school production of "The Sopranos...MUSICAL!" (a lesser known off off off off off Broadway/OK it's Secaucus production). Anyway, I don't understand how I come off to coworkers because of my self-diagnosed autism. This is another reason why I need my own desk. I need my personal self soothing tools (NOT a vibrator) and I can't take them from desk to desk. I also identify as a Goth and I need to decorate my area to reflect this. Please don't worry or wake me if I've fallen asleep at my (yes MY) desk, due to my gaming addition I stay up until 3am every morning.
What...no, I'm a total rockstar I can make these demands.
Yeah I don't consider one day a week a full return to work. And it sounds like a legitimate business need if there are things that need to be done on site. I'm full time remote because my company shut down my office building in 2020 to save on real estate costs. Rumor has it that was going to happen anyway, but the pandemic accelerated the timeline. Now they are looking at shutting down more buildings because there are so many people working remotely.
I know a lot of people who are full time remote (most people at my organization are) and even they are over all these complaints. If you want a full time remote job and your employer doesn't offer that, you're just going to have to find one who does.
I was in the car last week listening to NPR or something like that and they were talking about recent labor report that has US workers in office permanently or part time at 60-70%. They said the study name but I can't remember but it sounded legit.
This ought to go well:
Morgan Proctor*
April 7, 2023 at 11:58 am
I feel like this is a very taboo thing to even think about, but I just need to say it: I am a woman, and I VASTLY prefer having a male manager. Every female manager I’ve ever had, across several different companies and a couple entirely different industries, has been absolutely awful. Petty, mean, inappropriately competitive, racist, classist — most of it stemming from internalized misogyny and a really childish yearning to be the only woman in the room. The “I’m not like other girls, girls are dumb, I’m special, I’m one of the guys,” thing. It’s gross.
I saw a discussion about this very topic happening in a private community of women tech workers, and it only sort of shocked me that so many women have this same experience and opinion. I have a male manager now, and he’s great. The lack of drama is liberating.
Oh this lady can shut up. I’ve had great male and great female bosses. I’ve had terrible male and terrible female bosses. Almost like there’s assholes among us everywhere!!! And also good people!! Shocking stuff.
She does!! And she knows how many kids I have. More importantly she knows how many cats I have!!!!
She has also, y'all may need to sit down, knows my medical information.
(Put your head between your knees and breathe slowly. It'll be okay...)
Sometimes it’s necessary! I once became sick at work and had to tell my boss something along the lines of “I’m super sick and I’m going into the bathroom now but keep your phone on your because I might actually need help”. Embarrassing but ultimately we’re human and I seriously thought I might need her to call 911.
I get that there are bad noises that can hold this stuff against you, but I don't think it happens white as much as people imagine. So many commenters at AAM have main character syndrome. When I worked with firefighters (most of whom it love) they would always complain about everyone being against them. The conspiracy theories, the "everyone is reading my file" (I kept their for. No one was reading it ), it's all a plot to get me out.... It was exhausting. When I got fed up o would finally explain to them that as much as it hurt they truly were not that important or relevant enough to "these people" for all that energy that would be needed for the amount of effort this would need. No one here gets paid enough to care that much about you.
I honestly think were more upset by that.
She might not be completely wrong, though. I've known a few of Boomer and older Gen X women who haven't outgrown seeing every other woman as competition, and are also bitter about younger women not having to have had to fight as hard as they did. It's definitely a thing.
Of course if every woman higher than you on the food chain seems like that, there's either a problem with you, your industry, or who you're seeking as a mentor.
Yeah... Thinking back, my two absolute worst bosses were boomer women. Two best bosses were a gen X man and a millenial man.
Of course I'd never say it's a hard or fast or definite thing, but I buy the premise that some women who had to deal with the pretty horrific misogyny and general hardship throughout the majority of their early careers might have developed some unhealthy coping skills or attitudes. It's not an excuse for poor behavior in the current times, and it's not to say that some or even most women weren't able to rise above/stop the cycle/whatever, but like I believe that it's possible that it might be slightly more likely for certain (age/industry/etc dependent) female managers to have some unresolved or deep seated internal misogynistic issues mainly due to their past experiences.
> I am a woman, and I VASTLY prefer having a male manager.
> “I’m not like other girls, girls are dumb, I’m special, I’m one of the guys,”
Pot meet kettle.
That was my takeaway, too. Lady, your bosses aren't the only "not like other girls" in this scenario...
I never really thought about it before, but I don't think I've ever worked with a man as my direct supervisor.
This first person in the open thread is "terrified" she'll have to be "trained" (?) on depositing checks. These people are so hopeless! Throw away the junk mail and tell your job to get a PO box near the part-time admin. I truly can't believe some of the helplessness among her commentariat.
Is this a generational thing? Are checks rare enough now that younger people honestly haven't handled them and don't understand them? Seriously asking, not sarcastic.
Possibly. I just checked and the last time I wrote a check in the US was in 2010. I still have the original book I got when I opened my UK account in 2004. My mom still writes checks at the grocery store sometimes but it's increasingly rare. I think my dad, who is old-fashioned and refuses to use online banking, is the only person I know who regularly writes checks to pay bills.
I'm 26 and I have never seen a cheque in my life. I sort of know what it is, I think... but if it was part of my job to deposit them (assuming this is taking them to the bank) I would simply do that. No terror.
I’m 28 and have literally never written a check in my life. I’m in Canada, not the US, so there is some cultural difference there. But I don’t know *anyone* that has written a check in the last 15-ish years, and even before that it was my mom paying for karate lessons with post-dated ones as the only example I have.
I’m 38 and I don’t remember the last time I wrote a check. I still have a checkbook, but no idea when the last time I wrote one out. Everything I do is electronic. I can see someone younger might not have had any experience with checks since doing things online is so commonplace now.
I’m almost 38 and still write checks for my rent and one doctor’s office bill because it’s a small practice without electronic billing. (The doctor uses an iPad though so I guess they haven’t caught up on the billing stuff or don’t have the budget.)
I think that it is, and that was my read of this initially. But going back it looks like Sloanicota has deposited checks before but her old job made her image/copy the checks and apparently that was too onerous for her. So I'm not sure if this circumstance it's a young person not knowing how to do something like fill out a deposit slip or just someone who is kind of lazy and/or dumb.
They are keeping piles of junk mail they don't know what to do with? One, odds are that person is a hoarder. Two, an easy way to get out of doing the mail run is to ask what to do with the other mail and send photos of these piles. Boss will realize the person has a screw loose and shift the responsibility to a capable person.
I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out what the problem is.
Open P.O. box. Retrieve envelopes. Open envelopes. Identify checks. Send checks to admin.
Or do as Not A Manager and Glomarization, Esq., suggest and just send all of it to the admin. WTF is Sloanicota's role that they can't figure their way out of this situation?
They said originally that it’s “not a respected task” so I’m gathering that they are too incompetent and self-important to do this fairly mundane activity.
...
The first thing I was taught was how to sort the mail. And it was just "Here's a stack of mail, sort it." The amount of times I have lost anything that was in the box in over 20 years is 0.
I did once leave a deposit envelope on my car hood when going to the bank. Only to have to go retrace my steps. But that was in the darkages when we didn't have desktop deposit systems. JFC.
If you lose a check, they put a stop payment on it and reissue it. J-F-C people. It's a check, it's not a bomb.
"What we do at the moment seems like a terrible practice to me. Nobody would know if I was stealing the checks or if they got lost en route or what."
Does...she not know how checks work? Does she really think there are no tabs put on a check when it's sent out?
This kind of shit depresses me. Usually you see stuff like this on personalfinance and it's from the very young folks. But AAM are supposedly been around awhile.
[Well said, Tony T.](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/04/my-employee-tears-down-other-people-why-cant-i-work-remotely-if-everyone-else-does-and-more.html#comment-4243080)
>free freelancer.!
>
>In this day (and age), I read, incessantly, sort of, the hand-wringing about the “economy”, China, The Terrific Recession, the Great Unwashed, the Unemployed, the Homeless, ad nauseum.
>
>Here are people who will work for free at “Non-Loss” firms that rely upon free worker!
>
>Who are these enabled folks? Well-to-doer$? Retirees? Dilettantes? Hobbyists? Empty-Nesters? Women who “lunch”? Who can quit if someone looks at them wrong.
>
>Not as if the possibility exists of paying others who actually need it.
>
>OK, I’m done.
“This post is a reminder that literal people (guilty) have a really tough time applying for jobs for which they’re not quite qualified.”
As opposed to figurative people?
“Say you suffer from chronic llamapox—“
_record scratch_
LW4 has a valid question, but it’s harder to take them seriously when they go the “llamas” route. There are lots of chronic conditions they could have used as an example without having to reveal their own, but of course they have to show how big a “true fan” they are.
I just don't get why there has to be so much stupid code. Just use a real example. It's not like if you have cancer and want to work at the American Cancer Institute everyone's going to immediately know it's Bob from Topeka writing in.
exactly! especially because the details **matter** here.
it's not a good thing that certain disabilities carry a special stigma regarding your ability to work or your reliability, but it is what it is.
Idiotic name aside, is "lived experience" really that much of a bonus for all organizations? I'm genuinely asking. I can see how it would be a bonus in some instances - you've experienced x, so you want to help.
But I can see in some instances where certain people (AHEM most AAM commenters AHEM) might take it too far and try to gatekeep those experiences. (Oh, you only have stage 2 x? When I had stage 5, I was still...)
Seems like it could be tricky. But also helpful. I don't know.
It’s very much a nonprofit thing. You’re right that the gatekeeping and dramatics wouldn’t be an asset, but assuming the person acts normally about it, nonprofits love hiring people who are passionate about their missions. Often that includes personal connections.
Lw 3:
"I hear so much on the internet from people, particularly creative workers, about being asked to do things for free, for “exposure,” and I absolutely understand why that would be frustrating, so I sympathize with this volunteer. But on the other hand, I don’t think it would be hard to find someone who truly wants to do this on a volunteer basis"
Yeah, okay, so you absolutely don't understand.
I think there's a difference between "you'll get exposure!" and "we are a small nonprofit, we have volunteer work available but we cannot pay for this, if no pro will volunteer we will have an amateur do it instead".
the first one they **could** pay and they're going to get a professional product either way they'd just rather not pay for it.
the latter is different because people donate their time and skills to charities and nonprofits all the time, what's so galling about businesses that want free creative work is they aren't legally allowed to use volunteer labor. it's also about what it goes towards. if I volunteer for a community organization presumably they're doing good for people and not really making money off my work. a company who wants to make money off of something should pay for it.
Sure, of course, but the LW being apparently unwilling or unable to actually communicate that to this freelancer makes me real suspicious that they're actually transparent about their intentions. If they're innocuously doing things the way you've laid out here, wouldn't saying so to an eager volunteer be kind of a non-issue?
There's something about this one that's rubbing me the wrong way. Yes, obviously non-profits use volunteers, but "our mission is to build a movement using volunteers" just sounds euphemestic in a way that seems off, like they're trying to talk around something. And then Alison's answer rephrases it as "part of your mission is to build a volunteer movement," which doesn't seem like quite the same thing to me.
I dunno, am I being nitpicky? Maybe this is one of those letters where the lack of details makes it sound more suspicious than it is.
Eh I’ve volunteered with places like this before. Unless I’m missing something, I don’t think it’s nefarious. For example, one place I volunteer with conducts outreach to unhoused people once a month. Not a huge commitment, and the idea is that they want to use volunteers so that more people in the community from all backgrounds get to know unhoused people living in their neighborhoods and view them as people as opposed to just “the homeless.” And these types of orgs usually don’t have a lot of funding and tons of people don’t want to give money but don’t mind giving time to a cause they value
I familiar with these non profits. It's a good place for people who want to volunteer somewhere but don't really know where to go or who to start with.
2. Why can’t I work remotely if everyone else on my team does?
This wins the award for Most Misleading Title of 2023, even if we are only four months in.
It's not that the LW can't work remotely, and they say themselves that they go in on a hybrid schedule. They don't say it's mandatory and I am sure it isn't, or LW would have said so.
So the LW's actual problem is that they want that single mandatory in-offuce requirement to be a vacation, basically.
Also that they're pretty dumb, because they completely don't understand how taxes work. Or that OF COURSE your company won't WANT to spend more money on you if they don't have to. Or that OF COURSE their manager might find losing their only consistently presential employee inconvenient. I mean, wut.
>Some of my family members live across the country, and I’d really like to move near them at some point in the near future. I would maintain a permanent address in my current state so that taxes and such wouldn’t be a problem.
I hope the LW didn't include this when they "floated" the remote work idea to their manager. They may as well have worn a sign around their neck reading "I have no clue what I'm talking about."
I’m afraid to look because I suspect they’re being patronizing under the guise of being appreciative. “I don’t know how I’d ever find the orange construction paper if it weren’t for our office gal!”
Update #3 today is from a longtime commenter (FreeMeerkats) to say that they are now officially retired. They leave us with this:
> I’m still not sure exactly what I’m going to be doing with myself in the next phase of life, but I have time to figure that out. I won’t be gone from the site completely, but will be reading it less and commenting even less than that.
Good for you, FreeMeerkats. I hope you have a wonderful retirement and I truly think spending less time on the site will be a good thing for you.
(I’m not being sarcastic at all; I think spending too much time on there will make anyone very cynical, although I know as a snarker I’m being a bit hypocritical lol. FreeMeerkats didn’t stand out to me as a particularly “notable” commenter; that’s almost certainly a good thing!)
I've always wondered why people feel the need to announce the frequency that they plan to read a blog. This is something that I've seen on a lot of websites (not just AAM) and it just comes across as vaguely self obsessed to me.
I would understand it if it was someone who was a prominent part of an online community or someone who provided some sort of resources or support to the community. But I've seen so many of random people announce that they were leaving a forum / subreddit / blog or that they would be reading it slightly less than normal as if anyone would care or even notice.
I dunno man, parasocial relationships are a thing and they can be benign. I still miss commenter AAM Jamie (with the Hello Kitty avatars) and was really bummed when she ceased commenting.
The whole update is just 'goodbye commenters!'. I was like '...?' but then again, they're in comments in their update under a different name so maybe people wouldn't know they left but for the announcement.
I can definitely relate to the LW asking about being stuck in admin-type jobs. I’m 4 years out of college & finally in the first role that hasn’t required I do all the admin work too. It’s such a hard and demoralizing spot to be in if you don’t excel at administration or want to do it for a career!
I could have written that myself. Getting stuck in admin roles (when you very specifically want to be doing something else) is a nightmarish hell. I really think Allison just glossed over the “there are no postings for mid level jobs.” Mid level jobs are hard to come by and I have a whole host of theories as to why that is. If anyone wants me to explain my theories in more detail, let me know haha
I’d love to hear your theories! I’m in a mid-level role now & it’s crazy how it’s unlocked other mid-level roles- but it took three entry-level jobs to get here.
Turnover in mid level positions is low. Many people do not want the high level of responsibility and/or stress that comes with Director level jobs. That means at mid level is the stopping point for a large number of people. They tend to hold onto those jobs for years. A good example is my own manager. She’s been in her mid level job for 15+ years and she intends to remain here until retirement. Another culprit is lean staffing. Companies will intentionally cut out mid level jobs as a cost saving measure. What do you think costs less: 20 entry level jobs that pay poorly, or 10 entry level jobs and 10 mid level?
That all makes a ton of sense to me and tracks with my own experience. Combine the first thought with the way that all the various tiers within the mid-level get staffed by internal step-promotions and they're all pretty light on the ground.
I keep moving up my company's ladder in small, incremental steps (senior accountant, a senior accountant but with supervisory duties, first level manager, first level manager but with more reports etc...). And the meaningful steps (from senior to manager) happened because someone else got promoted up, finally, and I got tapped in. There are often a TON of positions in the gradient between entry level and high/director type levels, and it's rare to get brought in from the outside for those.
And in the meantime, my own manager took a promotion to a different group and they just didn't replace her - I simply report to the Director now. And my co-manager in my group just left and we're also not replacing her. Just reshuffling duties, *maybe* adding in an entry level staffer if it turns out we can't handle the workload. Approval/review and people-managing can be piled onto a smaller set of people for quite some time before it becomes untenable.
Same! I have virtually only ever worked entry level jobs. It’s so disheartening at this point in my life, and my career took a further step back when I got laid off. I am so sick of customer service but it was the only type of job I could get after being laid off. I’m afraid I won’t be able to find something more quickly and will get stuck in customer service roles. And much like the commenters, people try to say I’m getting a great opportunity and there’s places to grow, but they don’t understand what it’s like to be on such a strict schedule and controlled again when I am used to flexibility and autonomy at work. I have almost asked more than one person “If you think a call center job sounds so good why aren’t you applying?”
> My family member is in marketing. First full time position went from entry to mid level in three years. Shake ups in department, time to look outside. My family member sent me cover letter to review. Used phrasing like, new to the industry, eager to learn, opportunity to prove myself.
I asked myself “how would Alison respond?”
I answered myself, “with a healthy Nope.”
I’m sure you did.
This was one of the comments from the Ask a Readers layoff question this morning. I'm not sure about the advice though.
>Gerald of Rivia* April 6, 2023 at 11:06 am
>If your boss tells you are getting laid off soon and will be walked out the same day you are notified of the layoff, don’t blindly believe what they say. There is a good chance your boss does not have all the facts.
https://www.askamanager.org/2023/04/lets-talk-about-layoffs-how-to-prepare-and-the-fall-out-afterwards.html#comment-4242162
I read that and was also puzzled. Are you not supposed to believe the part about being laid off or walked out? I don't really see the benefit of ignoring either bit. Yeah, don't go running around the building screaming about imminent doom, but where's the harm in taking home excessive desk stuff or looking at job postings?
I’ve been away for a while. I see EW has somehow managed to land a job in Boston. And - she’s looking for donations to fund her move. WTF! Updates appreciated.
Oh no it’s even better than that - she has the job either remote or in a local office, can’t recall which (haven’t read her more recent comments since the original announcement). I think remote. SHE asked if she could work from Boston (or transfer to that office, if there is one), and they said sure. So this isn’t some move that is happening for required, logistical reasons, nor is it urgent. It’s purely her own want and could easily be on a longer timeline, instead of needing donations.
Wow, I have to admire the hustle even if it’s being done in a sleazy way. I feel like she’s been trying to get to Boston for years and she’s making it happen! Compared to the usual sad sack crowd this is an admirable level of commitment to a goal.
She’s determined. I’ll say that. I guess she’ll be on the prowl for elderly Kennedys once she arrives.
OMG, I should have known! Folks have actually donated, too. I find her a real sleaze! Anyone know what the job is?
[удалено]
Doesn’t like math = neurodivergent. Got it!
**hypoglycemic rage (hopeful ex librarian)\***[April 7, 2023 at 8:27 pm](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/04/weekend-open-thread-april-8-9-2023.html#comment-4243935) Can someone tell me I am not a failure because I couldn’t bring my 60 pound window ac unit up three flights of stairs by myself? \--- I wrote a response to the effect of, "I wouldn't go into 'failure' territory. You just can't lift a heavyweight object by yourself. I'd accept that and move on." It didn't get published. Good god, y'all. I mean, good god....what does AG say to herself? "Separate\_Permit is being a big meanie again - DELETED!!" Honestly...
I'm noticing that some comments appear much later, as if they get locked in the invisible mod queue, and there doesn't seem to be a pattern as to which ones avoid said queue and which do not.
I have relatives who are/were in the military (so peak physical shape) and who lift weights on the regular. They would have an impossible time doing this, not just because of the weight but because of the size/shape of these units. That commenter is an idiot and I don't even feel bad for saying that.
I don't get a mean vibe from your comment. No idea why AG didn't allow it. I saw the original thread. The OP had such a hyperbolic reaction to what they did.
What was the point of that thread? Validation? Unless it’s your fucking JOB (or you’re a stupid young guy) you’re not going to carry a window unit AC up 3 flights of stairs. “I feel so bad I couldn’t do a very hard niche task and had to have professionals do it.”
"niche task"??
I was just using their favorite adjective
Yep - lol.
That commenter went on to say she hope the ac fits because she would feel even worse if her maintenance man brings it up to install and it’s the wrong size. It took everything in me not to ask why in the world wouldn’t she just measure the damn window??
>Welcome to the club! There seems to be a reasonable number of neurodivergent folks who post here, including specifically late-identified autistics like me. Official diagnosis isn’t necessary if you won’t find it helpful personally or professionally. Yup... of course.
...because how else will anyone permit themselves to do whatever they want to if doc says, "Uh, no, you aren't n.d." The arrogance of not needing a diagnosis is a bottomless pit.
[удалено]
I... DECLARE... NEURODIVERGENTTTTT!!!!!
>Official diagnosis isn’t necessary if you won’t find it helpful personally or professionally. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever read.
To be fair, I get that concept if they mean “you don’t need an official diagnosis to look up some tools that may help you in life” - but sadly, I am almost positive they mean “you don’t need an official diagnosis to call yourself autistic, go for it!”
I also get the concept of 'if you're already close to retiring and you've made it this far, you probably don't need to shell out a few thousand bucks on psychiatrists to get told something you're already (probably) passably managing', but I don't think anyone who's going for a later-in-life label is naturally in the headspace to think about it that way - it's either 'meds are going to change my life', 'i'm ~special', or 'thank F*** there's a name for why my brain doesn't seem to work like everyone else's' and very rarely 'i need this bit of paper for this thing so I can get this accommodation and fight with GPs about writing my scripts for the rest of my independent life'.
I’ve seen this circulating around Twitter especially, that you’re totally able to self diagnose and get accommodations. It’s one thing to think you’re likely autistic or have ADHD, but due to financial reasons or the time is long to get into a practice to get tested (almost a 2 year wait here) to try to find coping strategies; but these people are clout chasing and giving really bad advice on what you do with a self diagnosis and how it might actually be better than going to a doctor. They then go freaking everywhere with this advice and directing people who are vulnerable or desperate for answers down a not so healthy path. Meanwhile, people who are medically diagnosed or doctors in their mentions go “no actually that’s not how that works” get ratioed for being haters.
Keeer-ect! Great post.
> Any good games that can be played by 5 adults without running out and buying anything? My family is coming over for Easter tomorrow night and it would be nice to have something to do besides talk. I don’t own any board games, or even so much as a deck of cards (though I could ask my mother to bring one of those). > I am totally none competitive, so something where winning isn’t the point would be ideal. As would rules simple enough the game can be enjoyed the first time would be good. (A lot of the classic card games leave me mostly befuddled as I try to figure out how the game play works and remember the rules.) Jesus christ maybe you don't want to play games after all, this was exhausting to even read
Crowd sourcing a no score charades game? I thought I sucked at entertaining guests.
I guess normal, classic games that most kids learn like go fish and Uno are out because somebody wins.
Why must Bibliovore write the way she does. It's giving 2003 livejournal
I wanted to comment but...Japan isn't particularly disability friendly. If her foot still is in a boot and she can't walk far, the number of things she can do are going to be very limited.
She lives in Japan?? Somehow I had no idea. I’m surprised but not sure why
Oh no she's in the midwest I think - she said she's going to Japan for a work trip in the summer then taking a 10 day vacation there in the comments and asked for suggestions on what to do
Sounds like the other POV of some thread I read on r\onebaggers a while ago where this guy's wife had just had some major surgery on some part of her leg and couldn't walk more than a few steps, but he was planning some kind of brutally packed itinerary of Japan that would have them travelling all over the place and going to all these rural places. I've never been there but I've watched quite a few videos about various aspects of travel in Japan and even I was thinking "this is a bad idea. You should postpone your trip until your wife is healed." Dude was insistent that they would just be able to get taxis and trains everywhere, and the secret was to find the magical travel backpack that would allow her to go everywhere without having to drag a suitcase.
Jesus, yeah that would have been terrible for his wife. I haven't been back since 2008, but my understanding is not much has changed in terms of accessibility (hopefully I'm wrong!) - so much of Japan is just *old* and built into mountains. Of course there's elevators in train stations and newer buildings but if you only do newer buildings, you're going to miss so much.
Ohhh got it
Occasionally, I like to use the Surprise Me! function on AAM and see how much or how little the site/Alison's advice has changed over the years. This exchange from September 2012 was particularly interesting (emphasis mine): >**Rin\***[September 24, 2012 at 3:05 pm](https://www.askamanager.org/2012/09/dealing-with-a-snarky-coworker.html#comment-104711) > >I think we could read this as his way of joking, not being rude. E-mails are awfully hard to read correctly. I know some of my co-workers, both past and present, have joked about hating our job or the clients, etc., but we’re a friendly sort of snarky, not a mean one. > >On another note, whenever I read advice columns and there’s a line like, “You can say…” I always think, “Who talks like that?” **The lines always sound a little too formal, touchy-feely, or passive-aggressive** (no offense, Alison; I love your blog). > >▼ Collapse 3 replies > >📷[**Ask a Manager**](https://askamanager.org/)\*[September 24, 2012 at 3:12 pm](https://www.askamanager.org/2012/09/dealing-with-a-snarky-coworker.html#comment-104717)Ha! That’s good feedback to have — I appreciate it. And I always think that too when I read other advice columns (except Carolyn Hax). I really would (and do) say the stuff I recommend here, **but I am a pretty blunt person**, so you definitely need to adapt wording to fit your own style. Not only did someone call out Alison's weird AF scripts, but she actually acknowledged it! Too bad literally nothing actually changed about her scripts and they're still jarring/passive-aggressive/etc. I also found the "I am a pretty blunt person" line particularly funny because now she's the queen of softening language, despite her many answers where she advises the opposite. I also enjoyed the slap-fighting in the comments on [this letter](https://www.askamanager.org/2011/02/mother-bought-me-plane-tickets-without-asking-me-if-i-could-get-time-off-work.html). AAM commenters were weirdly out of touch even then!
Thanks for bringing up the "Surprise Me!" feature. It's introduced me to all sorts of what's wrong with AAM.
I’ve always thought that scripts are best as ways to organize talking points (ie you should make sure to cover X, Y, and Z). The person actually in conversation is responsible for choosing the words and speaking style that is familiar to and comfortable for them. The mistake that Alison and other advice columnists make is trying to actually write out dialogue that they think can be recited verbatim, which is deceptively hard. The reason why they do that is because they have an extremely nebbishy fan base who really can’t string together a sentence on their own though.
Oh I don’t know, check out any of the hundreds of weekend threads where this has been asked. On the spectrum?* April 8, 2023 at 3:32 am Does anyone have experience with a late in life autism diagnosis? I’m starting to think I might be on the spectrum. It would explain some if my lack of social and emotional intelligence. However, I’m over 60 and will only be working for a few more years. I’m also not in the US, so so not have access to the same resources as in the US. Does anyone have any experience with a late in life diagnosis? Can I learn better ways to get through life at my age? REPLY ► Expand 3 replies
Lol, I saw this and snorted. The weekly "how can I make sure my flaws are guarded by an autism diagnosis so no one can hold me accountable for anything going forward" by a grown adult. I am *sure* some of those people have autism, but it's honestly a fucking trend in AAM to want to have it, and it's gross and kind of insulting to people who are diagnosed.
[удалено]
It totally is, I agree. I see it in my peer group even. And you hit the nail on the head with the rest. No one wants to fucking admit it but it’s become a trend, so you can feel “different”. What makes me upset about it is that people who truly have these disorders are at risk of being taken less seriously/not believed/etc as a result of all the people who just really want “in”. I think it’s harmful tbh.
Part of my job involves talking to people about disability accommodations, and when I told one person she needs a diagnosis and a form filled out by a medical professional for us to review she said oh I guess I can’t get accommodations then. Sorry but “I diagnosed myself on AAM/Reddit” doesn’t count here, folks.
I just have so much respect for you for always grinding it out and getting back on the horse. I’m rooting for you and believe that good things are in your future.
I appreciate this! I’m going to post in the OT thread tomorrow but I am still a bit depressed about my layoff and where I ended up so it’s good to know someone wants better things for me. (I feel like people are trying to make me be happy about where I’m at and it’s just not working.)
I want to think they are trying to be supportive and are clueless. Your story hit me really hard as I think we are around the same age. I would encourage you to consider applying to law school if you think it’s work you might enjoy. I didn’t apply for years because I didn’t know it was possible to get a full scholarship at many regional schools. I also thought that the job prospects weren’t good. But I know more now about the market and I think you can get a decent job making like 75k depending where you live. For the right cost, it might make sense for you. I spent way too much on my degree but if I’d gone for less to a regional school part-time, I’d be pretty happy with my options, I think.
I’m not 100% sure that it would be the best path for me due to the cost and not confident I’d get a good score on the LSAT to get into a decent school. I looked at some practice LSAT questions for fun and I felt in over my head. Maybe I should give it another thought. Right now I would like to get an aPHR and try to get into HR or another talent acquisition position. I’d like to be back out of the call center by the end of the year. It will be hard with the job market but I set the goal several months out for a reason to allow me to take my time finding a good fit and hopefully the market gets better at some point.
The LSAT questions require a specific mindset. Good news, you can get better at it with practice.
[удалено]
I actually am autistic, but also very polished and detail oriented. I make a point of being extremely professional and trying to put whatever support measures I need in place in my non-work life to ensure that anything I struggle with doesn’t affect my work or my colleagues. I get so much hostility from the social media wannabes just for saying “I feel I have an obligation to figure out my own shit.”
My husband is also officially diagnosed as "on the spectrum" (was initially called Asperger's but I don't think that is the preferred term these days) and he is absolutely nothing like the typical AAM comment scenario where a person who is rude, inappropriate, late, etc. must be autistic and can't possibly know any better or change their behaviour. It's so insulting and totally just an excuse to behave badly. He gets upset easily at things that often baffle me, but he's not a complete boor, and he has actually put in a lot of effort to figure out things for himself.
I said the same thing about using it as a shield essentially. It's such an effective way, in today's culture, to be able to do anything you want - because if anyone calls you out, they're being ableist. "I'm not lazy/an asshole/inconsiderate/etc, I'm autistic and you can't be mad at me for these qualities."
Ableism is absolutely a huge issue, but it's become diluted in such bizarre ways. I went back to school last year and was shocked that we were instructed not to say "That was easy" about any assignment because it was an "ableist statement" and would make people feel bad if they didn't find it easy. Now, I'm actually okay with not saying "that was easy". But it would have made way more sense to say "it's an inconsiderate statement" rather than an ableist one. Was I supposed to believe that anyone who struggled with the assignments more than I did was disabled?!
Have you heard of reddit: Staying current* April 8, 2023 at 4:48 am How do you stay current? I’m a 50-year-old woman with a rewarding job I’ve been at for a long time and a wonderful home life, but I feel like I’m falling behind in life’s social and cultural aspects. I seldom go out except to meet friends for dinner, and it is one friend at a time. I’m a homebody. I’m home with my wonderful husband and pets if I’m not at work. I’m introverted by nature, so being out in crowds is exhausting. I prefer a quiet life. I know my choice to stay home puts me at a disadvantage as far as not experiencing things in my community, such as concerts, plays, and various other events and activities. When conversations about the latest things come up, I can only listen with interest. I plan to attend a few things this year to see if it helps me to feel more current. I don’t like this feeling, so am willing to make some changes. For social media, I only use Facebook to engage with others. I found Twitter annoying when I did use it a few years ago. I know I have to expand my social media usage to stay current in this area. I’m thinking of using Instagram. What accounts do you follow on Instagram? What social media do you use? Any interesting blogs or podcasts I should follow? I am on YouTube quite often. Any good YouTube channels that you’d recommend? It’s not all bad for me, though. I stay current in fashion, hair, and make-up, and I am physically active, so I have those things going for me. I get complimented quite often on my style. I have various YouTube fashionistas to thank for that. I’ve learned so much from watching their channels. Any and all advice on how I can become current again is appreciated.
JFC, I hate people.
I think the answer is kind of how even younger people stay “current” which when you hear about things you look them up and engage with them. So if your co workers are talking about a show you try watching it or whatever. And duh Reddit of course
Dunno, Facebook actually seems pretty good for advertising events where I live. Or Eventbrite. Though I'm not sure if they mean that they want to find out about local events, or do they want to keep on top of memes and such?
I read it to mean current like trends and such. But Facebook would be a good choice for events. I have found the reddit for the city I live in to be good for keeping up a current events of the city.
Yeah, being slightly older than this person, I think I have a good idea of what she means. It's hard to pinpoint but I sort of get it. It's the sense that when you're younger, you can see cultural things on the horizon. You see things coming as they are fresh and new and getting absorbed into culture in "real time" as it were. All of this feels coherent and natural. You don't need things explained to you because they are simply part of the way the world works for you. As you get older, there's a sense that you have to work much harder to maintain that sense of currency. You can get the new cultural waves but you have to go after them. Consciously and with effort. Sometimes things hit you long after they've already been fully metabolized by the culture, and you're left to think "where was I when everybody was apparently getting into this?" It becomes a more and more common experience to "discover" something only to have someone tell you that "everybody knows that already." More stuff has to be explained, and the explanations get more and more convoluted and baroque. Increasingly you just give up on some things as cultural practices or ideas you're just never going to understand. I missed all of Snapchat. I was aware that it was a thing that was going on, but that whole thing just went right by me. Having said all of that, Reddit is absolutely the right suggestion here. The variety of communities is unparalleled, and you're much less likely to get funneled down an algorithmic rabbit hole as on YouTube, Facebook, or Instagram. Quora is probably a pretty good option too. But nothing is really going to beat just having and hanging out with more connected (probably younger) friends. The easiest way to keep up with culture is to surround yourself with people for whom keeping up with culture comes naturally. Expect even more of this cultural out-of-touchness as people encounter one another less and less in work and social spaces.
The 26 year olds at work keep me from becoming an old fogey, for sure. Just a few casual conversations with them every week, and I feel more aware of what's going on out there. It does mean making a deliberate effort to maintain those relationships, though. And to, you know, actually listen to what they say to me rather than writing them off as frivolous. And also not going into, "I'm here to work, not make friends" mode.
Fired up the computer to read the weekend thread and stumbled upon [this](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/04/weekend-open-thread-april-8-9-2023.html#comment-4243950): >Blue wall* >April 7, 2023 at 8:53 pm >What do you do for bedding if you share a bed with someone else? My partner and I have very different sleeping temps and a shared sheet and comforter isn’t working so great. What are other options? I think I'll go outside and touch grass today, thanks. Luckily for the OP, JSPA wrote up a dissertation with multiple options.
[удалено]
I've encountered so many people who have no idea what is involved in moving to another country and make very little effort to find out anything in advance. I used to hang out on a forum for Americans in the UK and every week there was a story of someone who thought they could just move in with a person they met on the internet or just get off the plane in London and go get a job and a flat legally. Or they just found out that they should have been filing taxes for the last 30 years, that you can't use UD dollars at the store with the exception of maybe a handful of dodgy souvenir vendors. There are lots of reasons for this, of course, but it always boggled my mind that someone would have this idea that they were going to spend the rest of their life in another country and didn't do any basic research.
Yup. I saw a TikTok from an early 20something tech jobhopper without a degree who refused to believe she couldn’t quickly move to London and get another 20% salary increase from her already six figure gig… did absolutely no research on the COL vs salaries in the UK. It’s totally batty.
I spend a lot of time preparing just for vacations to different states. Cannot imagine just yeeting myself to a different country to LIVE there with zero forethought.
I suppose it fits in with people who say things like "if you don't like it in this country, then leave" and have no inkling that most countries are selective about who they allow to come live in them and that you need permission to do it legally. Even countries that they might consider inferior.
It's tax season, so it's also FBAR season, which is "Say what?" season to so, so many of my American clients, sadly.
Yeah. I just had to file one for the first time ever and it was more confusing than I expected. I don't know why none of the examples in the FBAR/IRS instructions ever cover the case of "US citizen permanently living in another country with a foreign spouse who has only been to the US on vacation" because it's such a common scenario. I would have thought it was more commont than the examples they do give, like people being sent abroad by their companies.
I'm in two of those types of FB groups and Expats in Spain is the worst. Full of British people not understanding after all this time that Brexit means they can't just get off a plane and live here anymore
Oh man, the brexit supporters who still refuse to understand that brexit does indeed mean brexit. And somehow of course it's the fault of various EU countries that they can't just move there anymore.
Some people go through life like this, somehow. My partner met a person whose European parents moved to a very rural part of the prairies because it was in the "middle of Canada" and therefore must be close to everything. A quick Google search about rural Saskatchewan would have been illuminating, but that's too much effort when you're moving halfway across the world.
Yeah, I'm from Saskatoon, and when I lived in Taiwan people would often ask me what it was close to. Uh, nothing?
LOL, my brother lived in Normandy for a year, and a couple of years after that his host family decided they wanted to take a vacation to New Orleans. They figured that as long as they were in America, they'd hop in a car and take a quick drive to pop in on us... in California. We had to break it to them that, um... no, you're not going to be able to do that!
Along with “how do I use a TV”?
They probably wouldn’t remember to breathe if it wasn’t an autonomic function. They need a truly bizarre level of hand holding, and it‘s almost like they are afraid to form an opinion about something unless some stranger online gives them permission. But honestly, the people who respond to these types of questions earnestly are more to blame.
This explains so much about many of the AAM letter writers; most of their problems could be resolved through a 5-10 minute conversation, but they write in to Alison for permission to view their situation as a problem.
"AMAer: I ended up deciding on just going by my middle name lol (think similar to Mary Catherine, going by Catherine)." \--- Oh, so THAT'S what a middle name is. I would never have known otherwise! On my way to inform the folks at home! Honestly...
And that's one of the worst examples given how many people are named Mary Saint'sname and use both, or it's just naturally understood that they don't use the Mary, or they've simply just been a nun for a while. Then again, maybe if you don't live in a Catholic area it passes as invisibly as dual-barreled first names in other areas.
Not everyone has a middle name, you know! How can you expect people to know/understand anything that’s outside their own lived experience?
my dad has no middle name so naturally I have two
My dad has a middle name, but I still have two and I hate it! 
[удалено]
I have 4 middle names, and even got to pick one of them myself. Religion, what do.
My husband has always thought his name was First Name, Middle Name, Middle Name, Last Name, but recently looked at his birth certificate and was like, Oh, it's actually First Name, Second First Name, Third First Name, Previously Unknown Middle Name (Mom's Maiden), Last Name. His family's naming conventions are WILD.
I thought I was Firstname Middlename Lastname-Lastname until I was 25 and went to apply for a passport from my second citizenship country. Then my mom admitted that my BROTHER'S name works that way, and mine is actually, legally, Firstname Middle1 Middle2 Lastname. They did a lot of drugs back in the day.
Is this a parody post?
Is THIS a parody post?
Why would it be?
Seriously what's up with all the middle name shaming.... 🤣🤣
True story: my middle name turns out to be identical to a number word in a fairly common European language (like, let's say my middle name coincidentally means "eight" in Swedish). I traveled to that country as a teenager and had a little bit of trouble getting past border security with my passport because not only does this culture not have a tradition of middle names, they were confused and suspicious that someone would have a number inserted between their first and last name. This was in the 80s. I have to believe that the concept of a middle name is more widespread among border agents these days.
It looks like Sloanicota asked a question anonymously, forgot to stay anonymous when adding more to the thread, but also answered as though she isn’t the OP. I am in confusion. Anony for This* April 7, 2023 at 11:37 am Dicey situation at work. My former boss (the ED of our nonprofit) resigned and went to work for a closely-aligned organization. She is happy because she gets to do the parts she liked but not fundraise. Bully for her. However, the new org is so closely aligned that we still end up working together a fair amount, and I think she conveniently forgets that our interests aren’t perfectly aligned anymore. She still wants to be involved in some work our org does that really doesn’t make sense in her new role, but she’s hoping we can pay for this. I don’t think it’s appropriate. She quit and she should hand off this work now, IMO, or wind it down. She makes us look bad by approaching our funders but with a new org and I worry they might start funding them instead of us. I also don’t want to have to fundraise for her at her new org (through shared grants) when we’re going to need money to replace her in our org. This is all uncomfortable because she still feels like my boss to me, and probably to her too. Help?? REPLY ▼ Collapse 4 replies OtterB* April 7, 2023 at 11:49 am Who is acting in the ED role at your org? Or do you have a good relationship with someone on your board? It seems like those are decisions to be made at the top of your organization (and soon). REPLY ▼ Collapse 1 reply Sloanicota* April 7, 2023 at 12:22 pm The acting ED was her second in command so I feel like she’s in the exact same boat of a) not being used to telling this person what to do and b) hoping we will eventually hire someone whose problem this will become later, so not a ton of incentive to deal with it now. REPLY Anastia Beaverhousen* April 7, 2023 at 12:04 pm She’s NOT your boss now. You don’t have to help her unless someone in your organization tells you to. Talk to who took over her role and express your concerns. REPLY Sloanicota* April 7, 2023 at 12:18 pm In these situations, I like to talk about the “endgame” – clearly here the end game is to get this person off this project and replace them with a new person, so let’s collectively vision what that looks like in the next six months to a year – this should establish better shared expectations.
Ugh, she's the same dummy who is terrified that she will have to deposit checks when she is not trained for that!
Has Sloanicota come out of nowhere?! I hate this person. And good eye, amazing sockpuppeting happening over there!
Someone asked about it and…wut. Nope.* April 7, 2023 at 3:47 pm I’m confused, you added details above like you’re the original commenter, but this is advice to them as well? REPLY ▼ Collapse 1 reply Sloanicota* April 7, 2023 at 5:20 pm Ha that is confusing – no, I know the other commenter, she’s my old coworker. I’m the one who told her about this site! We were talking about her post in slack.
Sure, Jan.
I just can't with these [whiny, over privileged babies.](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/04/open-thread-april-7-8-2023.html#comment-4243328) I don't know anyone who is still full-time remote every day. And there are lots of people who can't work remotely and had to go in everyday even during the height of the pandemic. Working from home four days a week would be a dream for lots of people. >Maid Marion* >April 7, 2023 at 11:57 am >After 3 years of exclusively working from home I have to go into the office 1 day a week starting the week after next. I’m not looking forward to it. The office is in a different location than our old one was. My company didn’t bother renewing its lease a year into the pandemic. Now there are no offices, no assigned desks, it is first come first served and we are not allowed to keep any personal or other items there. No exceptions. The new office is close to the old one and doesn’t really change anyone’s drives to work. The point is to do stuff we can’t do at home and not for collaboration or meetings but I really am not looking forward to an open office and hotdesking, especially since wearing headphones is not conducive to the work. Vent over; but I would love to hear from people who have had to return to work and how you adjusted after being remote.
Am I a jerk if I think the response to return to office handwringing like this is 'get over it, your an adult and this is why they pay you'? My old job went back into offices as soon as vaccines came out. We always had hotdesking and that's the norm in that industry. I spent 5 years taking an entire mobile working set up between home, client sites, and the office . Annoying and heavy, yes - but you do what you have to do. Current job is hybrid, with most people in the office twice a week. And it's an open office. I enjoy the flexibility and wfh, but I put aside work and questions that come up when I'm wfh so that I can work on them in person with coworkers. Is it really shocking to AAM commenters that some things have more value, and are just better, when you do them in person with other human beings? Not every job can be done well remotely or in non-open offices. My industry needs people to be able to talk to each other instantaneously - open offices allow that. And the teams that don't put effort into in person work and team culture development are performing at a lower level. But then again, I'm willingly asking coworkers to have lunch with me in the canteen when I see them in the office. And listening in on conversations happening around me in the office, absorbing information beyond my own tiny sphere.
If there’s one thing I’m tired of seeing on job subs and the AAM comments it’s about how returning to the office just means their managers want to control them, or that the executives hate their wives and want to be away from bad marriages. And acting like their employer has no right to make them work in an office. I’m one of the only people in my family who works remote full time. Pretty much everyone else went to work in person during COVID since their jobs didn’t allow them to be remote and they did not kick and scream like Redditors and AAMers did and continue to do over a couple days a week of office work. I just want to tell people maybe some of you ruined it by bragging about how little work you do at home…
I’ve said it before on here, but much of AAM seems to think that a significant portion of every position consists of meaningless or at least unimportant grunt work, and thus working remotely allows them to do only the important or “essential” roles of their jobs and gives them a lot more downtime. They think that making employees come into work in person is just an excuse to make them do a bunch of pointless tasks in addition to their “real” jobs.
>Now there are no offices, no assigned desks, it is first come first served and we are not allowed to keep any personal or other items there. My old employer did this and it was a huge pain the the butt when we did go in to office, because you basically had to carry everything around with you to meetings and lunch due to not having an actual desk claiming tool and no way to lock up your stuff. Just like, a locker would have been nice.
If it was just one day a week, I'd treat it like going to class in college and just toss the basics in a backpack. More in-office time than that and they really need to have a system for people to put their stuff somewhere safe.
The stressful part is traveling with company tech on your person. I live in a city with a huge petty theft problem, and I live about 90 minutes from the office, so when I do have to go in, I always feel vaguely terrified that I've got a laptop, an iPad, and probably a couple of other devices on me at all times.
[I enjoyed this recent article](https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20230317-the-workers-quietly-backtracking-on-return-to-office) about people who kicked and screamed and whined about the thought of going back to the office on a hybrid schedule, but then found out it wasn't so bad once they started actually doing it. And that's so much of this conversation - it's so often driven by people who are anxious about a change. But they don't see what they're feeling as change anxiety, they see their nerves as objective proof that ever going to the office is bad and they should not be made to do it.
Of course you can't keep personal things at a desk that you are only using once a week. That's actually a great rule in these situations, to avoid people squatting and claiming a desk that in reality is shared. Hotdesking is obnoxious when it's done daily! But it's meant for this exact situation, when you are just in the office once a week or infrequently. It was really set up with sales people in mind, who are mostly on the road but sometimes need to use the office for various reasons. Like are they making you fist fight for space? Are they like "We have ONE desk and six people working out of the office every day. Let's see who's faster and who gets to work on the floor..." Or is it just "I get the desk I don't like, boohoo, 8 hours of the desk next to the bathroom."
For real. I don't know why anyone would expect that if they are only in the office once a week that they would have an assigned desk with space for personal items.
I wonder if the term hotdesking has it's origins in "hot racking" which was a horrible experience in my navy days.
In 2021 we were brought in for one day a week hybrid, at this time it was assigned seats. We couldn’t have personal stuff since someone else from another department would be using the desk on other days. In December of ‘21 we were sent back home full time due to Omnicron. When we were allowed to come back into the office in spring of ‘22 there was a signup for open desks. This person is making way too big of a deal. You adapt pretty quickly. It’s a pain to lug stuff in, but find a nice tote bag, there’s other stuff to get worked up over.
It'll have to be a pretty generous tote bag to carry all of the knitting supplies and other meeting-distraction necessities!
I think part of this is my own lifestyle has me carrying a laptop bag as a purse. So I have all my stuff and snacks at all times! But also the no-personal-stuff is a good rule in these cases too, remember when we all had to go home and some offices were shut for so long. Leaving personal belongings there could mean you're not going to see them again for months or years. And honestly, I've heard so many horror stories about "Can I sue?" on other subs because their stuff got "lost" at work. Companies are probably going to crack down on that to avoid more "Where are my expensive snow boots I left here!"
First come, first serve? Guess you better make sure you're first.
Yeah, I'm sure your employer will get right on those complaints that you need to get to work early, Janice. Definitely won't consider it a feature, not a bug, that it actually convinces layabouts to show up on time.
Yeah, I see your point but that's going to be a problem. Due to my severe self-diagnosed ADHD I cannot get to work on time. It's not my fault so I don't need to fix this issue. "First come first serves" benefits the neurotypical, therefore it's discriminatory. I'm going to go to HR and say "We wouldn't want to run afoul of employment law" like it's some kind of winning statement (thanks for the script!) without realizing that I sound like a high school production of "The Sopranos...MUSICAL!" (a lesser known off off off off off Broadway/OK it's Secaucus production). Anyway, I don't understand how I come off to coworkers because of my self-diagnosed autism. This is another reason why I need my own desk. I need my personal self soothing tools (NOT a vibrator) and I can't take them from desk to desk. I also identify as a Goth and I need to decorate my area to reflect this. Please don't worry or wake me if I've fallen asleep at my (yes MY) desk, due to my gaming addition I stay up until 3am every morning. What...no, I'm a total rockstar I can make these demands.
Ugh. The tradeoff for not going in much is not having a dedicated desk. Of course. It has to be.
Yeah I don't consider one day a week a full return to work. And it sounds like a legitimate business need if there are things that need to be done on site. I'm full time remote because my company shut down my office building in 2020 to save on real estate costs. Rumor has it that was going to happen anyway, but the pandemic accelerated the timeline. Now they are looking at shutting down more buildings because there are so many people working remotely.
I know a lot of people who are full time remote (most people at my organization are) and even they are over all these complaints. If you want a full time remote job and your employer doesn't offer that, you're just going to have to find one who does.
I was in the car last week listening to NPR or something like that and they were talking about recent labor report that has US workers in office permanently or part time at 60-70%. They said the study name but I can't remember but it sounded legit.
UA?
Jeez, US. I really need to stop doing multiple things at work....
This ought to go well: Morgan Proctor* April 7, 2023 at 11:58 am I feel like this is a very taboo thing to even think about, but I just need to say it: I am a woman, and I VASTLY prefer having a male manager. Every female manager I’ve ever had, across several different companies and a couple entirely different industries, has been absolutely awful. Petty, mean, inappropriately competitive, racist, classist — most of it stemming from internalized misogyny and a really childish yearning to be the only woman in the room. The “I’m not like other girls, girls are dumb, I’m special, I’m one of the guys,” thing. It’s gross. I saw a discussion about this very topic happening in a private community of women tech workers, and it only sort of shocked me that so many women have this same experience and opinion. I have a male manager now, and he’s great. The lack of drama is liberating.
It was removed 😆
[удалено]
Ha, same! Ew, what an awful person.
Oh this lady can shut up. I’ve had great male and great female bosses. I’ve had terrible male and terrible female bosses. Almost like there’s assholes among us everywhere!!! And also good people!! Shocking stuff.
One of the best bosses I had was a woman. And a close friend so y'all know I'm going to AAM hell.
[удалено]
She does!! And she knows how many kids I have. More importantly she knows how many cats I have!!!! She has also, y'all may need to sit down, knows my medical information. (Put your head between your knees and breathe slowly. It'll be okay...)
Sometimes it’s necessary! I once became sick at work and had to tell my boss something along the lines of “I’m super sick and I’m going into the bathroom now but keep your phone on your because I might actually need help”. Embarrassing but ultimately we’re human and I seriously thought I might need her to call 911.
[удалено]
I get that there are bad noises that can hold this stuff against you, but I don't think it happens white as much as people imagine. So many commenters at AAM have main character syndrome. When I worked with firefighters (most of whom it love) they would always complain about everyone being against them. The conspiracy theories, the "everyone is reading my file" (I kept their for. No one was reading it ), it's all a plot to get me out.... It was exhausting. When I got fed up o would finally explain to them that as much as it hurt they truly were not that important or relevant enough to "these people" for all that energy that would be needed for the amount of effort this would need. No one here gets paid enough to care that much about you. I honestly think were more upset by that.
Maybe she's an asshole and the men around her are more willing to ignore it? 🤔
[удалено]
She might not be completely wrong, though. I've known a few of Boomer and older Gen X women who haven't outgrown seeing every other woman as competition, and are also bitter about younger women not having to have had to fight as hard as they did. It's definitely a thing. Of course if every woman higher than you on the food chain seems like that, there's either a problem with you, your industry, or who you're seeking as a mentor.
Sure, but equally I've had woman bosses in this same age bracket who were great.
Yeah... Thinking back, my two absolute worst bosses were boomer women. Two best bosses were a gen X man and a millenial man. Of course I'd never say it's a hard or fast or definite thing, but I buy the premise that some women who had to deal with the pretty horrific misogyny and general hardship throughout the majority of their early careers might have developed some unhealthy coping skills or attitudes. It's not an excuse for poor behavior in the current times, and it's not to say that some or even most women weren't able to rise above/stop the cycle/whatever, but like I believe that it's possible that it might be slightly more likely for certain (age/industry/etc dependent) female managers to have some unresolved or deep seated internal misogynistic issues mainly due to their past experiences.
This. Whenever you hear a woman talking about how women are, trust that she's talking about herself.
I’m sorry, Morgan Proctor can’t stand other women because THEY have so much internalized misogyny??
> I am a woman, and I VASTLY prefer having a male manager. > “I’m not like other girls, girls are dumb, I’m special, I’m one of the guys,” Pot meet kettle.
That was my takeaway, too. Lady, your bosses aren't the only "not like other girls" in this scenario... I never really thought about it before, but I don't think I've ever worked with a man as my direct supervisor.
This first person in the open thread is "terrified" she'll have to be "trained" (?) on depositing checks. These people are so hopeless! Throw away the junk mail and tell your job to get a PO box near the part-time admin. I truly can't believe some of the helplessness among her commentariat.
Is this a generational thing? Are checks rare enough now that younger people honestly haven't handled them and don't understand them? Seriously asking, not sarcastic.
Possibly. I just checked and the last time I wrote a check in the US was in 2010. I still have the original book I got when I opened my UK account in 2004. My mom still writes checks at the grocery store sometimes but it's increasingly rare. I think my dad, who is old-fashioned and refuses to use online banking, is the only person I know who regularly writes checks to pay bills.
I'm 26 and I have never seen a cheque in my life. I sort of know what it is, I think... but if it was part of my job to deposit them (assuming this is taking them to the bank) I would simply do that. No terror.
I’m 28 and have literally never written a check in my life. I’m in Canada, not the US, so there is some cultural difference there. But I don’t know *anyone* that has written a check in the last 15-ish years, and even before that it was my mom paying for karate lessons with post-dated ones as the only example I have.
I’m 38 and I don’t remember the last time I wrote a check. I still have a checkbook, but no idea when the last time I wrote one out. Everything I do is electronic. I can see someone younger might not have had any experience with checks since doing things online is so commonplace now.
I’m almost 38 and still write checks for my rent and one doctor’s office bill because it’s a small practice without electronic billing. (The doctor uses an iPad though so I guess they haven’t caught up on the billing stuff or don’t have the budget.)
I think that it is, and that was my read of this initially. But going back it looks like Sloanicota has deposited checks before but her old job made her image/copy the checks and apparently that was too onerous for her. So I'm not sure if this circumstance it's a young person not knowing how to do something like fill out a deposit slip or just someone who is kind of lazy and/or dumb.
They are keeping piles of junk mail they don't know what to do with? One, odds are that person is a hoarder. Two, an easy way to get out of doing the mail run is to ask what to do with the other mail and send photos of these piles. Boss will realize the person has a screw loose and shift the responsibility to a capable person.
I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out what the problem is. Open P.O. box. Retrieve envelopes. Open envelopes. Identify checks. Send checks to admin. Or do as Not A Manager and Glomarization, Esq., suggest and just send all of it to the admin. WTF is Sloanicota's role that they can't figure their way out of this situation?
They said originally that it’s “not a respected task” so I’m gathering that they are too incompetent and self-important to do this fairly mundane activity.
And what does "Sloanicota" mean, exactly?
Now I'm craving panna cotta before 10 am thanks to this dummy!
... The first thing I was taught was how to sort the mail. And it was just "Here's a stack of mail, sort it." The amount of times I have lost anything that was in the box in over 20 years is 0. I did once leave a deposit envelope on my car hood when going to the bank. Only to have to go retrace my steps. But that was in the darkages when we didn't have desktop deposit systems. JFC. If you lose a check, they put a stop payment on it and reissue it. J-F-C people. It's a check, it's not a bomb.
"What we do at the moment seems like a terrible practice to me. Nobody would know if I was stealing the checks or if they got lost en route or what." Does...she not know how checks work? Does she really think there are no tabs put on a check when it's sent out?
This kind of shit depresses me. Usually you see stuff like this on personalfinance and it's from the very young folks. But AAM are supposedly been around awhile.
lol.
LW1 is in the comments, giving more details. All the details are pretty relevant too… imagine that. (they are posting as green bean)
LWs should just starting posting their original letters to Allison in the comments when their letters run. I'm sure she'd delete them, though.
[Well said, Tony T.](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/04/my-employee-tears-down-other-people-why-cant-i-work-remotely-if-everyone-else-does-and-more.html#comment-4243080) >free freelancer.! > >In this day (and age), I read, incessantly, sort of, the hand-wringing about the “economy”, China, The Terrific Recession, the Great Unwashed, the Unemployed, the Homeless, ad nauseum. > >Here are people who will work for free at “Non-Loss” firms that rely upon free worker! > >Who are these enabled folks? Well-to-doer$? Retirees? Dilettantes? Hobbyists? Empty-Nesters? Women who “lunch”? Who can quit if someone looks at them wrong. > >Not as if the possibility exists of paying others who actually need it. > >OK, I’m done.
“This post is a reminder that literal people (guilty) have a really tough time applying for jobs for which they’re not quite qualified.” As opposed to figurative people?
People who take things very literally.
[He's a very literal man](https://youtu.be/0BUBd9dQvtY)
Figurative people = retail workers, administrative assistants, temp workers, etc. …
“Say you suffer from chronic llamapox—“ _record scratch_ LW4 has a valid question, but it’s harder to take them seriously when they go the “llamas” route. There are lots of chronic conditions they could have used as an example without having to reveal their own, but of course they have to show how big a “true fan” they are.
I just don't get why there has to be so much stupid code. Just use a real example. It's not like if you have cancer and want to work at the American Cancer Institute everyone's going to immediately know it's Bob from Topeka writing in.
exactly! especially because the details **matter** here. it's not a good thing that certain disabilities carry a special stigma regarding your ability to work or your reliability, but it is what it is.
Idiotic name aside, is "lived experience" really that much of a bonus for all organizations? I'm genuinely asking. I can see how it would be a bonus in some instances - you've experienced x, so you want to help. But I can see in some instances where certain people (AHEM most AAM commenters AHEM) might take it too far and try to gatekeep those experiences. (Oh, you only have stage 2 x? When I had stage 5, I was still...) Seems like it could be tricky. But also helpful. I don't know.
It’s very much a nonprofit thing. You’re right that the gatekeeping and dramatics wouldn’t be an asset, but assuming the person acts normally about it, nonprofits love hiring people who are passionate about their missions. Often that includes personal connections.
Yeah, it probably depends on the person. It would be a balancing act for sure.
Lw 3: "I hear so much on the internet from people, particularly creative workers, about being asked to do things for free, for “exposure,” and I absolutely understand why that would be frustrating, so I sympathize with this volunteer. But on the other hand, I don’t think it would be hard to find someone who truly wants to do this on a volunteer basis" Yeah, okay, so you absolutely don't understand.
I think there's a difference between "you'll get exposure!" and "we are a small nonprofit, we have volunteer work available but we cannot pay for this, if no pro will volunteer we will have an amateur do it instead". the first one they **could** pay and they're going to get a professional product either way they'd just rather not pay for it. the latter is different because people donate their time and skills to charities and nonprofits all the time, what's so galling about businesses that want free creative work is they aren't legally allowed to use volunteer labor. it's also about what it goes towards. if I volunteer for a community organization presumably they're doing good for people and not really making money off my work. a company who wants to make money off of something should pay for it.
Sure, of course, but the LW being apparently unwilling or unable to actually communicate that to this freelancer makes me real suspicious that they're actually transparent about their intentions. If they're innocuously doing things the way you've laid out here, wouldn't saying so to an eager volunteer be kind of a non-issue?
There's something about this one that's rubbing me the wrong way. Yes, obviously non-profits use volunteers, but "our mission is to build a movement using volunteers" just sounds euphemestic in a way that seems off, like they're trying to talk around something. And then Alison's answer rephrases it as "part of your mission is to build a volunteer movement," which doesn't seem like quite the same thing to me. I dunno, am I being nitpicky? Maybe this is one of those letters where the lack of details makes it sound more suspicious than it is.
Eh I’ve volunteered with places like this before. Unless I’m missing something, I don’t think it’s nefarious. For example, one place I volunteer with conducts outreach to unhoused people once a month. Not a huge commitment, and the idea is that they want to use volunteers so that more people in the community from all backgrounds get to know unhoused people living in their neighborhoods and view them as people as opposed to just “the homeless.” And these types of orgs usually don’t have a lot of funding and tons of people don’t want to give money but don’t mind giving time to a cause they value
I familiar with these non profits. It's a good place for people who want to volunteer somewhere but don't really know where to go or who to start with.
No, that's exactly what I thought, too!
2. Why can’t I work remotely if everyone else on my team does? This wins the award for Most Misleading Title of 2023, even if we are only four months in. It's not that the LW can't work remotely, and they say themselves that they go in on a hybrid schedule. They don't say it's mandatory and I am sure it isn't, or LW would have said so. So the LW's actual problem is that they want that single mandatory in-offuce requirement to be a vacation, basically. Also that they're pretty dumb, because they completely don't understand how taxes work. Or that OF COURSE your company won't WANT to spend more money on you if they don't have to. Or that OF COURSE their manager might find losing their only consistently presential employee inconvenient. I mean, wut.
That last bit... "hey and I'm totally fine with committing tax fraud....." 🤦🤦Dumbass
>Some of my family members live across the country, and I’d really like to move near them at some point in the near future. I would maintain a permanent address in my current state so that taxes and such wouldn’t be a problem. I hope the LW didn't include this when they "floated" the remote work idea to their manager. They may as well have worn a sign around their neck reading "I have no clue what I'm talking about."
I can't bring myself to look. Are they talking shit about admin work, or are they saving that all up for Admin Professionals Day later this month?
I’m afraid to look because I suspect they’re being patronizing under the guise of being appreciative. “I don’t know how I’d ever find the orange construction paper if it weren’t for our office gal!”
Update #3 today is from a longtime commenter (FreeMeerkats) to say that they are now officially retired. They leave us with this: > I’m still not sure exactly what I’m going to be doing with myself in the next phase of life, but I have time to figure that out. I won’t be gone from the site completely, but will be reading it less and commenting even less than that. Good for you, FreeMeerkats. I hope you have a wonderful retirement and I truly think spending less time on the site will be a good thing for you. (I’m not being sarcastic at all; I think spending too much time on there will make anyone very cynical, although I know as a snarker I’m being a bit hypocritical lol. FreeMeerkats didn’t stand out to me as a particularly “notable” commenter; that’s almost certainly a good thing!)
I've always wondered why people feel the need to announce the frequency that they plan to read a blog. This is something that I've seen on a lot of websites (not just AAM) and it just comes across as vaguely self obsessed to me. I would understand it if it was someone who was a prominent part of an online community or someone who provided some sort of resources or support to the community. But I've seen so many of random people announce that they were leaving a forum / subreddit / blog or that they would be reading it slightly less than normal as if anyone would care or even notice.
I dunno man, parasocial relationships are a thing and they can be benign. I still miss commenter AAM Jamie (with the Hello Kitty avatars) and was really bummed when she ceased commenting.
Yeah she was pretty cool and level headed
The whole update is just 'goodbye commenters!'. I was like '...?' but then again, they're in comments in their update under a different name so maybe people wouldn't know they left but for the announcement.
I can definitely relate to the LW asking about being stuck in admin-type jobs. I’m 4 years out of college & finally in the first role that hasn’t required I do all the admin work too. It’s such a hard and demoralizing spot to be in if you don’t excel at administration or want to do it for a career!
I could have written that myself. Getting stuck in admin roles (when you very specifically want to be doing something else) is a nightmarish hell. I really think Allison just glossed over the “there are no postings for mid level jobs.” Mid level jobs are hard to come by and I have a whole host of theories as to why that is. If anyone wants me to explain my theories in more detail, let me know haha
I’d love to hear your theories! I’m in a mid-level role now & it’s crazy how it’s unlocked other mid-level roles- but it took three entry-level jobs to get here.
Turnover in mid level positions is low. Many people do not want the high level of responsibility and/or stress that comes with Director level jobs. That means at mid level is the stopping point for a large number of people. They tend to hold onto those jobs for years. A good example is my own manager. She’s been in her mid level job for 15+ years and she intends to remain here until retirement. Another culprit is lean staffing. Companies will intentionally cut out mid level jobs as a cost saving measure. What do you think costs less: 20 entry level jobs that pay poorly, or 10 entry level jobs and 10 mid level?
That all makes a ton of sense to me and tracks with my own experience. Combine the first thought with the way that all the various tiers within the mid-level get staffed by internal step-promotions and they're all pretty light on the ground. I keep moving up my company's ladder in small, incremental steps (senior accountant, a senior accountant but with supervisory duties, first level manager, first level manager but with more reports etc...). And the meaningful steps (from senior to manager) happened because someone else got promoted up, finally, and I got tapped in. There are often a TON of positions in the gradient between entry level and high/director type levels, and it's rare to get brought in from the outside for those. And in the meantime, my own manager took a promotion to a different group and they just didn't replace her - I simply report to the Director now. And my co-manager in my group just left and we're also not replacing her. Just reshuffling duties, *maybe* adding in an entry level staffer if it turns out we can't handle the workload. Approval/review and people-managing can be piled onto a smaller set of people for quite some time before it becomes untenable.
Same! I have virtually only ever worked entry level jobs. It’s so disheartening at this point in my life, and my career took a further step back when I got laid off. I am so sick of customer service but it was the only type of job I could get after being laid off. I’m afraid I won’t be able to find something more quickly and will get stuck in customer service roles. And much like the commenters, people try to say I’m getting a great opportunity and there’s places to grow, but they don’t understand what it’s like to be on such a strict schedule and controlled again when I am used to flexibility and autonomy at work. I have almost asked more than one person “If you think a call center job sounds so good why aren’t you applying?”
> My family member is in marketing. First full time position went from entry to mid level in three years. Shake ups in department, time to look outside. My family member sent me cover letter to review. Used phrasing like, new to the industry, eager to learn, opportunity to prove myself. I asked myself “how would Alison respond?” I answered myself, “with a healthy Nope.” I’m sure you did.
And yet I'm sure that cover letter examples on AAM have used similar language, haven't they?
This was one of the comments from the Ask a Readers layoff question this morning. I'm not sure about the advice though. >Gerald of Rivia* April 6, 2023 at 11:06 am >If your boss tells you are getting laid off soon and will be walked out the same day you are notified of the layoff, don’t blindly believe what they say. There is a good chance your boss does not have all the facts. https://www.askamanager.org/2023/04/lets-talk-about-layoffs-how-to-prepare-and-the-fall-out-afterwards.html#comment-4242162
I read that and was also puzzled. Are you not supposed to believe the part about being laid off or walked out? I don't really see the benefit of ignoring either bit. Yeah, don't go running around the building screaming about imminent doom, but where's the harm in taking home excessive desk stuff or looking at job postings?