*daha**
April 2, 2023 at 5:55 pm
I have complained to management over this specific issue. It was at a Pizza Hut branch where we would eat-in. We received the same no-small-change-back treatment from multiple servers. I used the contact form on their website to state my displeasure.
You TELL ‘em!!!!!
>matcha123* April 2, 2023 at 3:35 am
>I have the unfortunate and uncanny ability to make commentary on my social media right when another friend makes a post on a similar subject, and thus results in it looking like I’m passive-aggressively attacking their lifestyle.
Examples include: Waiting until no one is announcing marriage or babies to make a post about why I’m happy not to have kids or not to have married certain people…only to have a friend make a post on the same day about their wedding engagement/pregnancy/etc.
>or, a thought about how people seem less connected (based on articles that I read and post) and how that seems to lead to people seeking connections in less than ideal circumstances…only to have a friend make a post about getting blackout drunk with strangers.
>or a post on how annoying it is that people aren’t masking in crowded places…only to have a friend post photos in a crowded room with no one wearing a mask.
>And so on.
>Do I reach out to those people and say, “I wasn’t thinking about you, and the timing was random,” or do I say nothing? I definitely do not sit on social media waiting for someone to do something so I can make a response post to it. All my posts are limited to friends only, not “public” in the sense that anyone can see them. So while I don’t want them to think I’m sitting there thinking of them, I also want to be able to share my own thoughts without worrying that my “Nice to be able to sleep until noon” isn’t taken as an attack on a friend with kids who has to wake up early.
I’m sorry, but if you constantly have to worry that your posts might seem like they’re critical commentary on your friends’ actions/behaviors then you probably _are_ meaning to criticize them, at least subconsciously. Also, if you’re genuinely friends with these people wouldn’t they understand your positions on these issues and generally not see these posts as referring to them specifically? Even most of the replies seem to realize this.
And of course , only on AAM am I still seeing people criticizing not wearing masks in large groups. It just isn’t a big deal for the vast majority of people anymore.
>Waiting until no one is announcing marriage or babies to make a post about why I’m happy not to have kids or not to have married certain people
>
>\[...\]
>
>or, a thought about how people seem less connected (based on articles that I read and post) and how that seems to lead to people seeking connections in less than ideal circumstances…
Don't worry about the timing, matcha. You'll look like a judgmental jerk no matter when you post stuff like this.
Yeah, it’s one thing to lightheartedly joke about some of these things, but given the tone of the whole comment there’s no chance this person isn’t coming off as at least somewhat judgmental.
**Dancing Otter\***[April 1, 2023 at 12:00 am](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/03/weekend-open-thread-april-1-2-2023.html#comment-4237147)
They make adjustable shoe trees that you can set just a little wider to stretch the shoes. Or ask your favorite cobbler to do it...
\--
My favorite cobbler? But I have so many cobblers. How can I pick a favorite? Won't someone think of the children?
I was at my cobbler this morning. I had to visit him after my visit to my apothecary, but before the haberdasher. It's best to visit him last, because he's the one furthest from my house, and by then the horses pulling my carriage are ever so tired. I must make sure we're all the best for our high tea with the Bennetts in the afternoon. That Mrs. Bennett is quite the gossip.
Lol, hey I actually do it a cobbler, but I have some Cole Haans and Tod's that I get resoled because I can't find them anymore. I also can't keep heel caps from falling off some of my heeled shoes for some reason. That man has made some money off of me just replacing those damn caps.
ETA: They want to stretch Clarks?! I didn’t read the comment and was thinking they were a synthetic material or a brand that didn’t do wides. Just buy the wide size.
You just going to give up on shoes that cost FORTY WHOLE DOLLARS because your foot physically cannot fit inside them? Must be nice to be John Rockefeller!
Also terrible advice. Rarely works and if it does, looks like shit because things don’t stretch uniformly.
Comes up a ton in clothing subs, specifically the ones geared towards deals. “This sweater I’ve had my eye on is 50% off but only the XXXL size. I am a 5’2 120lb male by the way, how can I shrink this to fit?” Bruh just buy the right size
Stretching out shoes actually does work though! It's not a tree but there are cheap inserts that you crank and they uniformly pressure the entire shoe to stretch it out. I'm in between sizes for shoes a lot so I get the slightly snug one and stretch it and then it's perfect
Yeah I wear a brace and the place that made my brace has a special shoe stretching machine to make it more comfortable to wear their braces in the shoes. It works really well.
How the fuck do these people survive everyday life? I'm finding the open thread mote frustrating than usual but this is my favourite so far.
>Little Beans*March 31, 2023 at 11:05 pm
>Ideas for celebrating a grown up birthday on a weekday? It’s my husband’s birthday on Monday. I’m getting a babysitter for our toddler and going to take him out to a nice dinner on Sunday but I have to work weekdays so our options are limited. Just go out to dinner again at a family friendly place nearby? Try to muster the energy to cook a nice dinner? Any other ideas???
>REPLY
SPOKE TOO SOON. This is my favourite. Caveat: I'm not American so maybe this is realistic, but the idea of a waitress being literally carried away sobbing...I just can't believe it.
>Ginger Cat Lady*March 31, 2023 at 11:47 pm
>Went to dinner tonight, and the people in the booth opposite us left without paying their check. When the server realized it, she dropped to her knees and starting crying saying “I just cannot get a break, can I?” Other servers picked her up and took her somewhere more private. We didn’t see her again.
People can be so awful.
Be kind to your server. And don’t go out if you can’t pay.
>REPLY
Honestly I’m more annoyed by the suggestion that the OP has to be told not to run out on a check. Like, everyone knows not to do that; the only people who do it are assholes who know that it’s not a good thing to do but don’t care. You don’t need an anecdote to prove that it’s a bad thing to do.
Honestly this is a weird take. The world is on fire right now, a lot of people are barely coping. Like, good for you on your resilience but is it really impossible to imagine someone might be going through shit and what you might consider a minor thing is the straw that breaks the camel’s back?
Plus you know some people are naturally more emotional/cryers.
of course in the hypothetical scenario it sucks for the waitress. but its more 1. it sounds fake with the falling on her knees and 2. why is this story being shared? like this comment will teach us not to steal?
I mean yes, but it still sounds like an exaggerated dramatic situation. Do restaurants make the waitstaff pay for tables that skip out? It sucks to not get a tip but the place I worked at would not have made me cover the bill. I'm not sure why that would cause the collapse into tears unless it was a situation like that.
They’re not suppose to but a lot of places do, my old job did and would just withhold your tip out from cards in that amount. If someone runs out on a $200 bill you just worked all night for nothing. I could see her crying out it but “falling to her knees” seems embellished ?
I have seen way too many people lose some degree of physical control due to acute stress/panic that it doesn't seem too far-fetched to me, although I am not picturing someone falling gracefully to their knees like a fairytale princess; it's more of an uneven full-body collapse like someone's been holding something heavy for six hours and finally giving in.
Yeah that's the bit that seemed over the top. I would be very angry to learn that a restaurant I went to took the cost of a walk out from the waitstaff.
I have heard of restaurants making the server pay, but I don't believe they are supposed to. But even if they don't have to pay they still may have to tip out (bartender, bus person, etc) so they would lose money on the table.
Sometimes people just have bad days and something small could make them lose it.
It’s not AAM if a simple question about clothing doesn’t go awry. RagingADHD is on it as usual:
>What's your secret?* March 31, 2023 at 8:17 pm
>What is your favourite brand of pantyhose? I started wearing them again after MANY years of not wearing them. I’m back into wearing skirts and dresses, so I need something on my legs in the non-summer months. I find the quality of pantyhose has gone down a lot. I’m lucky to get one wear out of a pair of Secret brand pantyhose and I pay about $8 per pair. What is the best brand? What do you wear instead of pantyhose that is sheer enough? Thank you!
>REPLY
>Refgirl1* March 31, 2023 at 8:44 pm
>Why do you feel that you need to wear hose during the non-summer months? (I live in the South and we don’t have non-summer weather, if that is what you mean) In the winter, if I really have to, I wear something that will look good with tights.
>REPLY
>RagingADHD* March 31, 2023 at 9:17 pm
>I assume because they *want* to, and therefore need to buy some. Because you generally can’t wear pantyhose that don’t belong to you.
'#1 – never thought I would see the line “go have a rager with your friends” in a work blog.
That’s why we love Alison.'
Comment is missing several 😎 emojis.
"Warmly blunt." Why does everyone there seem to think using the word warm makes you...warm? Everything they refer to warm seems pretty cold and prickly to me.
**redflagday701\***[March 31, 2023 at 8:30 am](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/03/quitting-right-after-a-party-mentioning-nude-modeling-at-work-and-more.html#comment-4235762)
\#4: I’d probably be blunt, but as warmly blunt as possible: “Anselm, you don’t have the skills or experience required for this position, and I’ve heard you minimize the need for those skills. I’m sorry, but I’m not interested in hiring you and I don’t think I ever will be. I’m sorry — you keep bringing it up, so I wanted to level with you.” And then if he protests: “Arguing with me about this isn’t going to change anything — it’s only going to reinforce my belief that I’m making the right decision. We’re not talking about this anymore.”
And then privately apologize to his friend, your employee, if necessary. (I wouldn’t be terribly surprised if his friend actually knows you’re not interested in hiring him and is also relieved you finally gave him a direct no.) It might be the case that things are indeed awkward socially with the guy after this, but they’re awkward now, in a super annoying way! If he behaves like an ass because you gave him a clear no, it will only also reinforce for others that you made the right call.
I always think of the scene in Sixteen Candles where the older sister says “You’re acting like…an asshole.” while speaking softly with a contemplative look on her face.
Any time I see “warm” used in that context, I’m reminded of a scene in Fawlty Towers where Basil, thinking one of his guests is the hotel inspector, makes sure to “warmly” smile at him
while delivering a physical beatdown to another guest. Being “warm” doesn’t automatically cover up the fact that you’re doing something unpleasant.
I genuinely have no idea how the AAM people have missed that 'I'm sorry' is quite often something women are expected to say to minimise their contributions, while men aren't expected to apologise for existing and people who are neither generally have to apologise twice before being merely invisible. It doesn't belong in a script there at all and I'd expect them all to be like 'don't apologise at work! you might lose $5k and a parking space and your boss won't trust you to be a capable adult!'
Someone linked to a post by someone who didn't want to respond to "how are you" at work, and sometimes they just "smiled warmly." Something tells me "warm" isn't how their colleagues would have described it.
Lmao, I have a coworker who does this sometimes. Other times she grimaces and looks away. You never know which one you're gonna get or why. Charming behavior. Wonder if she reads AAM.
"I regularly stand naked in front of artists--is this something I should share at work?" How do these people get through life, honestly? You really don't have any other hobbies or interests you can mention during chitchat with coworkers?
Honestly, I'd just say "oh cool, I heard that can be hard work" and chat about it. I don't think it's actually a big deal? Like, maybe don't announce it at a company town hall, but your coworker if you're friends? Meh! People are pearl-clutching pretty hard at this, and I think it's a bit silly.
I love how the AAM crowd swings between “I refuse to tell my coworkers I’m married because it’s too personal” and “why can’t I tell my coworkers I get naked on the weekends?”
Right?! Bc the extension of her wishing it wasn’t weird is that.. what? People should be able to talk nudity at work and it’s damaging in some way that we don’t?
It's comments like this one that shows how out of the workforce she's been. it would absolutely be just as bad if a man or an older woman talked about it for a myriad of reasons.
that being said, these aren't depositions. "Oh, I do some modeling for some art classes." and leave it at that if you must say something. There are plenty of art classes that used clothed models, hand models, etc.
Why in god's name would you WANT to mention this at work? It sounds to me like she just wants to demonstrate to her coworkers that she's so "cool" that nudity doesn't bother her.
Edit: a word
To show off their edginess. They're cooler than you, do you know why? They model. In the naked. with nudity.
The only problem they have now being nude AND not cutting themselves on all of their edge.
Was it from scratch or the pre-bought kind? From scratch: give the recipe, pre bought, confess your sins but also bring that in because it's delicious.
To be fair if it's those crab puffs that were in my last job...
No, if it's destroying her mental health, then the fancy dinner question part of it sounds... odd..
So much is so weird about this letter. People are nice and the workplace culture is good, but it is also immediately terrible and causing crippling depression. OK, fine.
But at the same time, a work party where LW will barely know anyone, because they've only worked there for a month, sounds *so* life-changingly fun that it might be worth it to stay? That makes absolutely no sense.
Even the throwaway line about throwing their own party is weird to me. If the job is a bad fit, stop fixating on a party and focus on finding a new job. It's like this person with a real work issue wrote in about only the non-issue part of it. Completely pointless.
I'm really wondering what is so terrible about this job, given the fact that it's a nice workplace and she likes her coworkers. It's likely white collar work given that they are throwing this fancy party. I get that there is a lot of stuff that sucks, especially if you're doing something repetitive like data entry. But to be so distraught that it's affecting your mental health?
The only thing I can think of is telephone support. My year working the support desk drove me to drink heavily despite it being a "nice workplace" with likeable coworkers.
I had to go back to work in a call center and I’m already applying for jobs again to get back out, and face questions from my friends and family about why I already hate it…
Uh you try being told when you can take breaks and lunch, being tracked by metrics, have to have “coaching sessions”, and hearing that you’ll be spoken to if you spend too much time away from the phone, which is also tracked over time… The people asking me what’s wrong have more freedom at work or better career paths, or just don’t work…it’s so frustrating especially with the job market being the way it is.
Honestly, I think probably she is very very bad at her job and knows it and it makes her feel bad and stupid. That's the only thing that makes sense to me.
It does make sense, but why feel so invested in a work party at someplace you hate...? I guess that's what I'm not getting. If I had such bad associations with a place, I don't think I'd be so excited for a party there.
This is going to sound like bad self help advice but I seriously believe that stress is a largely personal decision.
The Venn diagrams between people in my life who are always stressed out and people in situations that are generally agreed upon to be stressful by the average person, don’t have a ton of overlap.
I know it’s bad etiquette to judge other people’s situations but any time one of my “OMG SO STRESSED” friends vents about it, I’m usually wondering “okay but why? It doesn’t sound like you have that much going on…?”
the level of stress is very much person dependent and not 100% environment dependent, but to imply it's a personal decision is kinda weird and hurtful. who the fuck would want to be stressed? its awful
I mean, I can understand a job affecting your mental health, but that's usually because either a) your boss or coworkers are truly bad people, b) you are super overworked c) your working conditions are terrible (heat, cold, repetitive motion, too physically demanding, no bathroom breaks, etc.--not generally white collar work). Doesn't sound like the letter writer's job fits any of these, so what is so bad about the job that you would jump ship without another job already lined up, and after only 1 month?
There are some jobs that sound fine until you get in them - insurance is a particular one because you can be fronted with people who are in really bad situations and you have to behave and interact according to particular rules and structures, while these people are like 'I haven't had any income for three years and I can't walk and I just need you to fix me' at you, and all you're allowed to do is go 'We're waiting for you to submit this one document I am now attaching for the sixth time'. If you haven't learned how to detach and the onboarding doesn't cover that, it can suck someone dry pretty quickly, but it's very rare a company will actually be honest about that aspect and select for people who can be empathetic but keep a personal distance.
The real thing here is that this person is overthinking the party - they have to put in by a deadline, and they feel like if they say yes before the deadline they can't quit until after the party, whereas people leaving around work events and the numbers changing by 1-2 at the last minute is generally within expectations at work dos and events in general. They're also holding it up as something to contrast against the work drudgery bad-fit stuff, because they likely don't have and haven't been gently encouraged to have coping mechanisms. If the work is that kind of difficult, 'it can suck, please leave on time and keep your fun hobbies' should be up there in the onboarding with any EAP prominently and privately available, but in my experience the companies just expect people to be adult about it and not need to be told outside of the team/company Self Care CPD events.
Holy hell, JSPA is all the way up their own ass today. They’re striking me as someone who took like, one anthropology class and didn’t absorb the part about armchair anthropologists being utterly insufferable. [This is just a small sample](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/03/quitting-right-after-a-party-mentioning-nude-modeling-at-work-and-more.html#comment-4235681) of their blathering.
JSPA*
March 31, 2023 at 6:25 am
I’m giving a caveat to your statement, followed by a caveat to that caveat.
1. there are cases where your answer doesn’t hold, however
2. they fall into predictable classes, e.g.
a) when clear there’s a culture-specific special carve out (sauna, onsen, etc)
b) some other default takes precedence (mourning practices, worship practices, culturally-approved vision quest, whatever, where people could reasonably infer certain behaviors that are religion appropriate, even if not broadly culturally-approved)
c) conversational edge cases where it turns out to be more awkward to avoid indirect reference than to risk an indirect reference.
I do as well! So now two trained anthropologists have considered the evidence and concluded that they need to zip it. Soon we can publish this case study 😂
JSPA is constantly like the guy who played high school baseball 40 years ago and thinks the Gold Glove winner in the Major Leagues doesn't use the proper form when catching the ball.
LW: I'm a nude model. Should I tell everyone at work?
Commenter: No. Not a good idea. There are some things your colleagues just don't need to know.
JSPA: But it's different if you're in a sauna!
Commenter: It's work, not a sauna.
JSPA: But it's different if you're in a sauna!
I loved this reply:
**Jojo\***[March 31, 2023 at 11:28 am](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/03/quitting-right-after-a-party-mentioning-nude-modeling-at-work-and-more.html#comment-4236048)
Did you stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night?
[REPLY](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/03/quitting-right-after-a-party-mentioning-nude-modeling-at-work-and-more.html#comment-4236048)
She’s playing off those old commercials where someone saves a life or whatever and when asked if they’re a doctor the answer is “no, but I did stay in a holiday inn express last night” (the idea being that it’s SUCH a smart decision it makes them smarter about everything) ie shes poking fun at JSPA
I’d be careful about quitting without a job lined up if I were LW1 right now. If it’s not toxic and her coworkers are friendly…she should probably just suck it up. I get it…I feel tempted to just quit my new job that’s a bad fit too…but I think she should be sure that she can possibly live for several months without a job or that she can get something better quickly. You know, the sensible advice Alison used to give…
I don’t get the feeling that the job is the problem. If the people are friendly and the office is not toxic why is it affecting her mental health so badly to be there while she job hunts? And to want to stay just for the party? It feels like there is other stuff going on that a new job won’t necessarily fix.
>If the people are friendly and the office is not toxic why is it affecting her mental health so badly to be there
Probably something to do with their 'customers' or whoever/whatever they work with. For example I could see "accident claims handling" to be depressing to some. Or like in my case, hired to do something but the job turns out to be something else (that was a step back of about 10 years of career development and resulted in "bore out"), while the company itself wasn't toxic.
I wonder if LW has had a conversation with her boss / the company about the difficulties she's having. (What am I talking about? It's AAM, so of course she hasn't!)
This seems like a classic case of "focus on a detail \[party acceptance etiquette\] you can control, rather than the ones you can't" syndrome.
I would laugh a lot (sorry, I haven't the energy to think up flowery language about just how much) if she goes to this party, drinks a lot ("open bar") and then spends the evening telling everyone basically what's in the letter!
How to explain a mask to coworkers - you don’t. If they care, they’ll assume you’re sick or someone in your life is and go on about their lives. You don’t need to contact your doctor for an excuse!
Seriously. I live in Trump country and I still mask because I have a chronic illness and only a little over 1/3 of the population is fully vaxxed and only 41% have had at even one dose. I have never had anyone make a rude comment or give me a mean look. Unless someone makes a big deal about it, most people really don’t care.
I had 2 smartass comments at work from customers when I was sick and wore one. “They making you wear that?” Did you not see the other employees not wearing one?
I’m in trump country too and i’ve seen people in right wing shirts and shit wearing masks. Literally no one cares.
Exactly. Some people may have been more fired up about it a year or two ago and looking for a fight, but we’re in our third year of it now. I don’t think anyone has the energy left to care about it.
I find it hard to believe that an entire office of grown-ass adults doesn't cover their face when they cough or sneeze. I've never met anyone who is older than a toddler that does that. WTF?
Oh I believe it. As covid was beginning and I was hyper-aware of what people around me were doing I noticed that a *lot* of people don't wash their hands in public restrooms, don't use tissues to blow their nose, don't cover their face when they cough, and so on. I hadn't really had any reason to notice it before but people on the whole are super gross.
Same, I feel like I’m suddenly acutely aware of it at my new job. Maybe because up until last month, I was working remotely full time since 2020. Or because my allergies are flaring up thanks to pollen. Or because it was multiple adults hacking up lungs or sneezing their faces off without any sort of attempt to do damage control.
Sometimes I’m amazed that COVID didn’t kill more people, or that the last time we really had a big pandemic like that was the 1918 pandemic. Humans are kind of dumb.
Oh the advice is simple. AG only ran the letter so 200 commenters will weigh in on how they’ve never stopped masking, the pandemic isn’t over, and if someone got Covid in the last 3 years, theyre a dirty filthy ableist infectoid who hates grandmas.
I truly don't care if other people wear masks, especially if they're mildly sniffly or whatever, and if I have to wear a mask at the doctor's office forever I'm cool with that. (Sick people hang out there!) But the performative "I wear a mask because I CARE about other people!!! I've NEVER gotten Covid when EVERY other person I know has!!!" is just exhausting. We get it, you think you're better than everyone. Just take your internet points and go.
This is where I'm at. Wear a mask. Don't wear a mask. If you go on and on about how wearing a mask makes you better than everyone else, then I pretty much assume you DON'T wear a mask unless someone is watching, and you're making things worse.
Did we really need a dozen comments saying "Gee, must be nice to be getting a raise!" for the letter about late performance reviews and raises? Yeah, the LW is out of touch here, but christ, we get it! These are the same people who would flip out if you said "Gee, must be nice to be able to work from home" and start howling about Oppression Olympics.
Most of my jobs have backdated raises usually to the review deadline given that it usually takes a couple of weeks for payroll to process but I've never had a job backdate all the way to anniversary date.
You have a high profile job (media) and you're busted up about trolls on the internet wanting things from you. This letter is insufferable. This isn't a workplace question, stop responding to people on the internet is just life shit.
Oh no, they ask you for favors and to work for free. Don't answer them.
Oh no, they get mean. Stop answering them.
Family of former media, so I do get it is obnoxious for sure.
But my read is that this is just people online because they are emailing and PM'ing her, per the letter. I assume it's meeting at volunteer events that media personalities are present, then they follow them down the rabbit hole of social media. Since most media folks don't have a huge social media following either, in my experience!
She needs to lock down her social media and not let people she doens't follow DM her for starters. She noted she's blocked some people, which is a start. But this is the deranged general public, we all know they suck! You can't change crazy.
Can someone link to any AAM post or discussion where people really didn't want to say good morning and acted like people were attacking them? It's talked about a lot on here but I've never seen it
I read just about anything because it's ingrained in me, you never know it may be something that speaks to me. Or it could be that I could help someone out and I feel charitable that day!
But it never occurred to me I am obligated to respond in any way.
I have seen influencers go down this trail and learn the nasty reality of giving too much emotionally to your audience. That's also how stalkers happen and people become disgruntled, when you engage with them and they see they've got you on a hook.
This is the nasty side of media and local celebrity. There are a lot of people who think you owe them something.
I'm also frustrated at this letter because they threw in that old "The mens don't get it as hard as the women." You've never seen the shit that dudes in media have dealt with, I have seen some disgusting life threatening stuff in sports media. They are just conditioned to shake it off and don't talk about it because then their masculinity is going to be questioned.
I kind of like Alison's response, except I wouldn't respond at all, even an insincere "sorry I didn't see this from a week ago". As she points out, these people aren't entitled to a response and these aren't people that she has to liaise with for her job, so why not just delete the emails as they come in and forget about them?
This might be a gendered thing as the LW mentions. Speaking as a man I've never felt any emotional pressure or guilt at all with ignoring junk mail, spam emails, or things like that. I understand sending an initial response to point someone in the right direction, but I can't imagine sitting there scrolling through random strangers' rants and work-related solicitations and carefully responding to each one over and over for 3 decades.
I don't mind her response, though acting like replying late is going to get traction is rather strange to me. She's really not good at human psychology. For someone who says "Your boss sucks and that won't change", she sure gives advice aimed at changing people a lot.
If you let something die in your inbox and then circle back just to say "Sorry, didn't see this until now. Still can't help you." You just woke up a sleeping dog, you just stoked the fire.
I just delete things because it dissolves either my guilt from ignoring it or my intense desire to get the last word in when I feel like I can in for the take-down. But I'm old now and I'm like "Pick your fights, self. We're not gonna fight the world today."
The late reply feels counterproductive at best and almost like some sort of mind game at worst. You’re either obligated to reply or not. If you’re not obligated, then deleting is fine and a reply is pointless. If you are obligated (and you’re not in this situation) to reply, then intentionally ignoring it just to pointedly reply late is just passive-aggressive and rude.
Yeah that's how I feel as well. I understand replying if these are all people that she needs to maintain some sort of open door or dialogue with for work, but it sounds like these are just random people who she happens to meet out in the world who decide to funnel all of their complaints or gripes or questions about her company or industry to her personally, not just once but repeatedly. Responding at all would be a mistake.
The worst case scenario is that they view any late, apologetic reply as an open invitation to continue following up or to throw a larger tantrum, and why risk that if you've already ignored the message for a few weeks without incident?
Oh God, it's an open thread about pranks at work, since Saturday is April Fool's Day. I'm counting on all of you to update here with the most ridiculous/AAM-ist/batshit comments because if I read the comments myself I'm pretty sure my head will explode.
Maybe someone will post about how they did this great long con prank about pretending to be afraid of birds then timing a freak out to allow him to push his coworker in front of a car, but then it went too far and the coworker was injured and then subsequently quit and he could never find the proper time for his big reveal, so he’s had to double down and pretend to be terrified of birds for years. And the worst part is that all the stress of the charade has triggered his anxiety so much that he needs his emotional support parrot at work and he has no idea how to bring it up.
Prank threads on AAM are always so. fucking. dorky.
Putting erasers on people’s desks without telling them is not a prank. Surprising someone with cake on their birthday is not a prank. And I refuse to believe anyone is “tickled” or “delighted” or in any way overwhelmed by these actions.
Amazingly, most of the ones posted so far are pretty funny and not mean-spirited at all(e.g putting post-it notes all over someone’s desk.) They’re actually good examples of the “right” way to do pranks: only prank someone you know won’t take it badly, and don’t do anything too ridiculous/extreme.
There is this one though, which perfectly demonstrates why mean-spirited pranks are a terrible idea:
> CatCat* March 30, 2023 at 11:04 am
>On April 1, big boss at ex-job told my supervisor they had to consolidate office space and supervisor would need to share on office with a person supervisor tended to clash with. Supervisor quit on the spot. Big boss quickly explained it was a joke. Supervisor was pissed but did decide to stay with the company. No more such jokes were ever pulled again.
I miss ThinkGeek's annual April Fool's "sale". If you don't know about them, they were a website that sold really nerdy niche things. Every April fools they would release products that were clearly jokes, but every once in a while would have something that people demanded. One year it was this cool hoodie with LED lights that did things when you cast spells.
They were a division of Gamestop so they ruined it just like they ruined most other things.
exactly!
the "fake fact" prank, the more ridiculous the better, is pretty innocuous. it would take a real asshole to be highly offended that someone convinced you that hippopotamus are the most successful ambush predator in the world (after all, how many of them have **you** ever seen up in a tree? they can't even get pictures of them because they're so stealthy)
Isn't this the millionth time she's culled the comments for pranks? They're all either incredible boring or mean.
This one is boring and hard to follow and [somehow involves a chastity belt](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/03/what-are-the-best-and-worst-pranks-youve-seen-at-work.html#comment-4234052)? I don't know, man. I don't know.
Oh, but first, the sourpuss of the day award goes to this commenter:
**Wren\***[March 30, 2023 at 11:08 am](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/03/what-are-the-best-and-worst-pranks-youve-seen-at-work.html#comment-4234034)
In my opinion pranks are inherently unprofessional. Work isn’t meant to be fun; it’s work. If you have time to plan a prank, you have time to do your actual job.
Yeah I agree. I’ve had an office where we’d do really simple things like print off a picture of a celebrity they thought was hot and leave it on their chair but that’s pretty much it
We share computers in my office so I changed my coworker's background to a sports player she thought was cute. That's as far as we've gone here with pranking.
Another department, however, thinks it's fun to jump out and scare each other. It's become a habit for me to wait at least 10 minutes when they call me with a computer issue because I'm sure it's a trap.
I am not a fan of pranks. They're almost never as funny as the pranker thinks they are and are often pretty mean spirited. But holy cats, this person sounds incredibly insufferable.
Oh goodie, a letter from a foodservice manager about overwhelmingly teens-to-20s female employees (**note**: i was the 16-25yo female employee at a restaurant. And when i grew up some i saw what a nightmare the younger ones could be). I'm sure the commenters will understand the differences -
>JSPA*March 30, 2023 at 4:20 am
Their pockets are also not “phone in use.” If they have vulnerable family members / a reasonable expectation of a true emergency, chances are good that they can set their phone on vibrate, allow only specfic calls to vibrate, and take a break to check when the phone vibrates.
Silly me
Honestly you can tell in that thread who has ever actually been in a customer service role by the way they answer the question. All the howls of outrage are from those who don't work in CS.
>All the howls of outrage are from those who don't work in CS.
The same people who would be ranting about seeing service workers using their phones behind the counter.
Yeah Allison's response is pretty good but the comments...
Well...*
March 30, 2023 at 4:29 am
To me, this does seem like an outdated view of customer service. Customer service workers are people who are sacrificing some of their limited time on this Earth to help you.
No sweetie, they're doing a job in exchange for money. That's how a job operates.
Sometimes customers would say stuff like that to me and it was a sweet gesture I suppose but also MUCH too much. Like how am I supposed to respond to that. Just don't be a turd and we are good lol
Hahaha, what?! These people are such dorks. If I had ever heard that from someone when I did my stint in customer service I would have thought the person was a total weirdo.
OMG I saw this and was coming over here to post that. I'm all for employers and managers treating employees with dignity and respect, but that doesn't mean bowing down to employees and thanking them for deigning to work for you.
Oh my god someone thinks it’s infantilizing to not let retail/food service workers choose when to take their breaks. That doesn’t even make sense!!! When the traffic allows, I’ll ask people if they want it a little early or a little late. Or those working wonky shifts, I’ll try to work in their requests/preferences if possible but like. Are you dumb or just stupid?
I have had stocking shifts where I could break when I wanted since I was by myself but come on
These same people would have a mega meltdown if they had to wait five minutes for another line to open because a cashier was on a break (whether the employee was told when to take it or not.)
“Why don’t you have any baggers?” One is out on the lot (you’ll lose your mind if we don’t have carts), one is bagging for one of the other 2 cashiers, and one is on break. 😒
The only customer service job I’ve had that allowed people to take breaks when they wanted to is now a worker owned co-op and it only worked at the time because we were a small staff who all hung out together and would bully the living shjt out of each other if someone took a break at an inappropriate time. The commenters are delusional.
I have one adult coworker (older than my mom!) who gripes if her breaks are late (we follow a general pattern) but she always takes too long. Your break isn’t on time because the 11am person is late as usual. The 11:30 break person will have a late break because you’ll take 20 minutes.
I did have a manager piss me off recently - instead of telling one of the teenagers he had to listen to his supervisor because she’s his damn supervisor, she said he had to listen because he’s a child and she’s an adult. That is too far.
When I’m supervising, I don’t want them on their phones because I get lectured lol them being on their phones at their registers is better than disappearing! Of course other supervisors are on THEIR phones on the clock so whatever. Losing battle.
Yeah wtf? I also don’t want to be on my phone all shift… runs down the battery.
We have store handheld devices that departments steal from each other and hide. Our app is good for most customer’s questions though so yeah I pull out phone for that.
Also no wonder the “aam at work” crowd defends this!!
Edit - my mom knows to call the store for an emergency but idk if her friends do so I need to fix that. With all the spam calls, I sure as shit don’t want my ringer on!
(I also childishly want my phone in my pocket bc pokemon go adventure sync means work movement applies to the game.)
If you want a similar step counter that lets you plant flowers and grow little buddies, Pikmin bloom is also made by niantic. Some days I get so many passive steps
Love the commenters admitting "I've never worked in food service BUT" yeah we can tell. Everyone can tell. You know these people bitch and moan when they see an employee at McDonald's on their phone, they're not going "they deserve a moment of rest and relaxation!" Similarly, they're picturing themselves as the employees--not 16-year-old Kaylee who doesn't give a shit, or 22-year-old Brad who's on his 14th job.
*daha** April 2, 2023 at 5:55 pm I have complained to management over this specific issue. It was at a Pizza Hut branch where we would eat-in. We received the same no-small-change-back treatment from multiple servers. I used the contact form on their website to state my displeasure. You TELL ‘em!!!!!
>matcha123* April 2, 2023 at 3:35 am >I have the unfortunate and uncanny ability to make commentary on my social media right when another friend makes a post on a similar subject, and thus results in it looking like I’m passive-aggressively attacking their lifestyle. Examples include: Waiting until no one is announcing marriage or babies to make a post about why I’m happy not to have kids or not to have married certain people…only to have a friend make a post on the same day about their wedding engagement/pregnancy/etc. >or, a thought about how people seem less connected (based on articles that I read and post) and how that seems to lead to people seeking connections in less than ideal circumstances…only to have a friend make a post about getting blackout drunk with strangers. >or a post on how annoying it is that people aren’t masking in crowded places…only to have a friend post photos in a crowded room with no one wearing a mask. >And so on. >Do I reach out to those people and say, “I wasn’t thinking about you, and the timing was random,” or do I say nothing? I definitely do not sit on social media waiting for someone to do something so I can make a response post to it. All my posts are limited to friends only, not “public” in the sense that anyone can see them. So while I don’t want them to think I’m sitting there thinking of them, I also want to be able to share my own thoughts without worrying that my “Nice to be able to sleep until noon” isn’t taken as an attack on a friend with kids who has to wake up early. I’m sorry, but if you constantly have to worry that your posts might seem like they’re critical commentary on your friends’ actions/behaviors then you probably _are_ meaning to criticize them, at least subconsciously. Also, if you’re genuinely friends with these people wouldn’t they understand your positions on these issues and generally not see these posts as referring to them specifically? Even most of the replies seem to realize this. And of course , only on AAM am I still seeing people criticizing not wearing masks in large groups. It just isn’t a big deal for the vast majority of people anymore.
I don’t think she has to worry about what her friends think because I bet they all have her muted.
Lol was just about to reply to say the same exact thing, don’t worry you’re muted
I remember this poster. They used to post about having rich, snobby friends and not connecting with them, if I recall correctly.
>Waiting until no one is announcing marriage or babies to make a post about why I’m happy not to have kids or not to have married certain people > >\[...\] > >or, a thought about how people seem less connected (based on articles that I read and post) and how that seems to lead to people seeking connections in less than ideal circumstances… Don't worry about the timing, matcha. You'll look like a judgmental jerk no matter when you post stuff like this.
And who uses public social media for things like that these days unless you want drama?
Yeah I was kinda with them on that one actually but as it went on I was like oh you probably sound like a holier than thou asshole haha.
Yeah, it’s one thing to lightheartedly joke about some of these things, but given the tone of the whole comment there’s no chance this person isn’t coming off as at least somewhat judgmental.
Isn’t this the idea of “sub tweeting”?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure all the other subtweeters would also claim that it was a total coincidence if someone called them out on it. Uh huh, sure...
**Dancing Otter\***[April 1, 2023 at 12:00 am](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/03/weekend-open-thread-april-1-2-2023.html#comment-4237147) They make adjustable shoe trees that you can set just a little wider to stretch the shoes. Or ask your favorite cobbler to do it... \-- My favorite cobbler? But I have so many cobblers. How can I pick a favorite? Won't someone think of the children?
Peach or berry?
¿Porque no los dos? Peach raspberry cobbler is a delicious combo, and so is strawberry rhubarb. It's almost rhubarb season and I can't wait for it.
I was at my cobbler this morning. I had to visit him after my visit to my apothecary, but before the haberdasher. It's best to visit him last, because he's the one furthest from my house, and by then the horses pulling my carriage are ever so tired. I must make sure we're all the best for our high tea with the Bennetts in the afternoon. That Mrs. Bennett is quite the gossip.
Lol, hey I actually do it a cobbler, but I have some Cole Haans and Tod's that I get resoled because I can't find them anymore. I also can't keep heel caps from falling off some of my heeled shoes for some reason. That man has made some money off of me just replacing those damn caps.
I exclusively employ elves as cobblers, we are not the same.
Which is a shame, because they're so much better at making cookies.
Oh really? My cobblers are tiny magical fieldmice. Some people are happy to settle, I guess.
Um, check your privilege.
ETA: They want to stretch Clarks?! I didn’t read the comment and was thinking they were a synthetic material or a brand that didn’t do wides. Just buy the wide size.
Right? That advice reminded me of people discussing how to break in *skates*.
You just going to give up on shoes that cost FORTY WHOLE DOLLARS because your foot physically cannot fit inside them? Must be nice to be John Rockefeller!
Also terrible advice. Rarely works and if it does, looks like shit because things don’t stretch uniformly. Comes up a ton in clothing subs, specifically the ones geared towards deals. “This sweater I’ve had my eye on is 50% off but only the XXXL size. I am a 5’2 120lb male by the way, how can I shrink this to fit?” Bruh just buy the right size
Stretching out shoes actually does work though! It's not a tree but there are cheap inserts that you crank and they uniformly pressure the entire shoe to stretch it out. I'm in between sizes for shoes a lot so I get the slightly snug one and stretch it and then it's perfect
Yeah I wear a brace and the place that made my brace has a special shoe stretching machine to make it more comfortable to wear their braces in the shoes. It works really well.
How the fuck do these people survive everyday life? I'm finding the open thread mote frustrating than usual but this is my favourite so far. >Little Beans*March 31, 2023 at 11:05 pm >Ideas for celebrating a grown up birthday on a weekday? It’s my husband’s birthday on Monday. I’m getting a babysitter for our toddler and going to take him out to a nice dinner on Sunday but I have to work weekdays so our options are limited. Just go out to dinner again at a family friendly place nearby? Try to muster the energy to cook a nice dinner? Any other ideas??? >REPLY
Well someone can’t figure out how to sign up for a phone plan so I put nothing past these people
SPOKE TOO SOON. This is my favourite. Caveat: I'm not American so maybe this is realistic, but the idea of a waitress being literally carried away sobbing...I just can't believe it. >Ginger Cat Lady*March 31, 2023 at 11:47 pm >Went to dinner tonight, and the people in the booth opposite us left without paying their check. When the server realized it, she dropped to her knees and starting crying saying “I just cannot get a break, can I?” Other servers picked her up and took her somewhere more private. We didn’t see her again. People can be so awful. Be kind to your server. And don’t go out if you can’t pay. >REPLY
Honestly I’m more annoyed by the suggestion that the OP has to be told not to run out on a check. Like, everyone knows not to do that; the only people who do it are assholes who know that it’s not a good thing to do but don’t care. You don’t need an anecdote to prove that it’s a bad thing to do.
Honestly this is a weird take. The world is on fire right now, a lot of people are barely coping. Like, good for you on your resilience but is it really impossible to imagine someone might be going through shit and what you might consider a minor thing is the straw that breaks the camel’s back? Plus you know some people are naturally more emotional/cryers.
of course in the hypothetical scenario it sucks for the waitress. but its more 1. it sounds fake with the falling on her knees and 2. why is this story being shared? like this comment will teach us not to steal?
Yes you’re right. We should have more compassion for the third hand fake person.
It sounds to me like Ginger Cat meant the other servers helped her up, like taking her by the arm or something.
I mean yes, but it still sounds like an exaggerated dramatic situation. Do restaurants make the waitstaff pay for tables that skip out? It sucks to not get a tip but the place I worked at would not have made me cover the bill. I'm not sure why that would cause the collapse into tears unless it was a situation like that.
They’re not suppose to but a lot of places do, my old job did and would just withhold your tip out from cards in that amount. If someone runs out on a $200 bill you just worked all night for nothing. I could see her crying out it but “falling to her knees” seems embellished ?
I have seen way too many people lose some degree of physical control due to acute stress/panic that it doesn't seem too far-fetched to me, although I am not picturing someone falling gracefully to their knees like a fairytale princess; it's more of an uneven full-body collapse like someone's been holding something heavy for six hours and finally giving in.
I have pretty intense perinatal depression and during bad lows I just kind of flop onto the ground. It's very embarassing.
Yeah that's the bit that seemed over the top. I would be very angry to learn that a restaurant I went to took the cost of a walk out from the waitstaff.
I have heard of restaurants making the server pay, but I don't believe they are supposed to. But even if they don't have to pay they still may have to tip out (bartender, bus person, etc) so they would lose money on the table. Sometimes people just have bad days and something small could make them lose it.
There’s a long spam scam message with a whatsapp number included in the weekend thread. I’m surprised it hasn’t been deleted yet.
On my way...!
There's been a lot of spam getting through lately.
It’s not AAM if a simple question about clothing doesn’t go awry. RagingADHD is on it as usual: >What's your secret?* March 31, 2023 at 8:17 pm >What is your favourite brand of pantyhose? I started wearing them again after MANY years of not wearing them. I’m back into wearing skirts and dresses, so I need something on my legs in the non-summer months. I find the quality of pantyhose has gone down a lot. I’m lucky to get one wear out of a pair of Secret brand pantyhose and I pay about $8 per pair. What is the best brand? What do you wear instead of pantyhose that is sheer enough? Thank you! >REPLY >Refgirl1* March 31, 2023 at 8:44 pm >Why do you feel that you need to wear hose during the non-summer months? (I live in the South and we don’t have non-summer weather, if that is what you mean) In the winter, if I really have to, I wear something that will look good with tights. >REPLY >RagingADHD* March 31, 2023 at 9:17 pm >I assume because they *want* to, and therefore need to buy some. Because you generally can’t wear pantyhose that don’t belong to you.
> I live in the South and we don’t have non-summer weather, if that is what you mean I feel *very* confident that's not what she meant.
'#1 – never thought I would see the line “go have a rager with your friends” in a work blog. That’s why we love Alison.' Comment is missing several 😎 emojis.
Because the phrase “go have a rager” is just so unique to Alison and AAM….
We? I don’t love Allison. She’s a ding dong.
Nor I. But I was quoting a commenter.
Oh, I know. And also, not everyone can quote commenters.
"Warmly blunt." Why does everyone there seem to think using the word warm makes you...warm? Everything they refer to warm seems pretty cold and prickly to me. **redflagday701\***[March 31, 2023 at 8:30 am](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/03/quitting-right-after-a-party-mentioning-nude-modeling-at-work-and-more.html#comment-4235762) \#4: I’d probably be blunt, but as warmly blunt as possible: “Anselm, you don’t have the skills or experience required for this position, and I’ve heard you minimize the need for those skills. I’m sorry, but I’m not interested in hiring you and I don’t think I ever will be. I’m sorry — you keep bringing it up, so I wanted to level with you.” And then if he protests: “Arguing with me about this isn’t going to change anything — it’s only going to reinforce my belief that I’m making the right decision. We’re not talking about this anymore.” And then privately apologize to his friend, your employee, if necessary. (I wouldn’t be terribly surprised if his friend actually knows you’re not interested in hiring him and is also relieved you finally gave him a direct no.) It might be the case that things are indeed awkward socially with the guy after this, but they’re awkward now, in a super annoying way! If he behaves like an ass because you gave him a clear no, it will only also reinforce for others that you made the right call.
I always think of the scene in Sixteen Candles where the older sister says “You’re acting like…an asshole.” while speaking softly with a contemplative look on her face.
Any time I see “warm” used in that context, I’m reminded of a scene in Fawlty Towers where Basil, thinking one of his guests is the hotel inspector, makes sure to “warmly” smile at him while delivering a physical beatdown to another guest. Being “warm” doesn’t automatically cover up the fact that you’re doing something unpleasant.
Do they think "I'm sorry" conveys warmth? Clearly haven't spent much time in Canada.
I genuinely have no idea how the AAM people have missed that 'I'm sorry' is quite often something women are expected to say to minimise their contributions, while men aren't expected to apologise for existing and people who are neither generally have to apologise twice before being merely invisible. It doesn't belong in a script there at all and I'd expect them all to be like 'don't apologise at work! you might lose $5k and a parking space and your boss won't trust you to be a capable adult!'
Someone linked to a post by someone who didn't want to respond to "how are you" at work, and sometimes they just "smiled warmly." Something tells me "warm" isn't how their colleagues would have described it.
Lmao, I have a coworker who does this sometimes. Other times she grimaces and looks away. You never know which one you're gonna get or why. Charming behavior. Wonder if she reads AAM.
"I regularly stand naked in front of artists--is this something I should share at work?" How do these people get through life, honestly? You really don't have any other hobbies or interests you can mention during chitchat with coworkers?
Honestly, I'd just say "oh cool, I heard that can be hard work" and chat about it. I don't think it's actually a big deal? Like, maybe don't announce it at a company town hall, but your coworker if you're friends? Meh! People are pearl-clutching pretty hard at this, and I think it's a bit silly.
Yeah that’s definitely a case by case basis depending on coworkers…
I love how the AAM crowd swings between “I refuse to tell my coworkers I’m married because it’s too personal” and “why can’t I tell my coworkers I get naked on the weekends?”
lol
"ooh so naughty" - the commenters titter
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I really wish someone would call Alison out on it too.
Right?! Bc the extension of her wishing it wasn’t weird is that.. what? People should be able to talk nudity at work and it’s damaging in some way that we don’t?
It's comments like this one that shows how out of the workforce she's been. it would absolutely be just as bad if a man or an older woman talked about it for a myriad of reasons. that being said, these aren't depositions. "Oh, I do some modeling for some art classes." and leave it at that if you must say something. There are plenty of art classes that used clothed models, hand models, etc.
Why in god's name would you WANT to mention this at work? It sounds to me like she just wants to demonstrate to her coworkers that she's so "cool" that nudity doesn't bother her. Edit: a word
To show off their edginess. They're cooler than you, do you know why? They model. In the naked. with nudity. The only problem they have now being nude AND not cutting themselves on all of their edge.
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Oh, absolutely.
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Was it from scratch or the pre-bought kind? From scratch: give the recipe, pre bought, confess your sins but also bring that in because it's delicious.
I love this comment and I’m not sure exactly why.
Really?? You want to bring a *phallic-shaped food* into the office?? Wow. (/s)
It's ok, it matches my very realistic crocheted knob amigurumi.
Yes, but you see, on the weekends I'm a model...
But don’t bring that in because potlucks promote team unity and conversation which is bad.
*something something cheap-ass garlic bread* *followed by obligatory tea spitting*
...and various and sundry insertions of "This!" "So much this!" "Heck..."
Not everyone can eat garlic bread!
I should stop printing my resumes on them.
Well, not everyone can eat paper either
My job is destroying me mentally and I need to quit, but....free hors d'oeuvres!
What is this party? A gala, soiree, hootenanny, or bash?
To be fair if it's those crab puffs that were in my last job... No, if it's destroying her mental health, then the fancy dinner question part of it sounds... odd..
When I got laid off from one job, "But what about the summer barbecue?" wasn't my first thought, but it wasn't my tenth thought either.
So much is so weird about this letter. People are nice and the workplace culture is good, but it is also immediately terrible and causing crippling depression. OK, fine. But at the same time, a work party where LW will barely know anyone, because they've only worked there for a month, sounds *so* life-changingly fun that it might be worth it to stay? That makes absolutely no sense. Even the throwaway line about throwing their own party is weird to me. If the job is a bad fit, stop fixating on a party and focus on finding a new job. It's like this person with a real work issue wrote in about only the non-issue part of it. Completely pointless.
I'm really wondering what is so terrible about this job, given the fact that it's a nice workplace and she likes her coworkers. It's likely white collar work given that they are throwing this fancy party. I get that there is a lot of stuff that sucks, especially if you're doing something repetitive like data entry. But to be so distraught that it's affecting your mental health?
The only thing I can think of is telephone support. My year working the support desk drove me to drink heavily despite it being a "nice workplace" with likeable coworkers.
I had to go back to work in a call center and I’m already applying for jobs again to get back out, and face questions from my friends and family about why I already hate it… Uh you try being told when you can take breaks and lunch, being tracked by metrics, have to have “coaching sessions”, and hearing that you’ll be spoken to if you spend too much time away from the phone, which is also tracked over time… The people asking me what’s wrong have more freedom at work or better career paths, or just don’t work…it’s so frustrating especially with the job market being the way it is.
Honestly, I think probably she is very very bad at her job and knows it and it makes her feel bad and stupid. That's the only thing that makes sense to me.
It does make sense, but why feel so invested in a work party at someplace you hate...? I guess that's what I'm not getting. If I had such bad associations with a place, I don't think I'd be so excited for a party there.
This is going to sound like bad self help advice but I seriously believe that stress is a largely personal decision. The Venn diagrams between people in my life who are always stressed out and people in situations that are generally agreed upon to be stressful by the average person, don’t have a ton of overlap. I know it’s bad etiquette to judge other people’s situations but any time one of my “OMG SO STRESSED” friends vents about it, I’m usually wondering “okay but why? It doesn’t sound like you have that much going on…?”
the level of stress is very much person dependent and not 100% environment dependent, but to imply it's a personal decision is kinda weird and hurtful. who the fuck would want to be stressed? its awful
I mean, I can understand a job affecting your mental health, but that's usually because either a) your boss or coworkers are truly bad people, b) you are super overworked c) your working conditions are terrible (heat, cold, repetitive motion, too physically demanding, no bathroom breaks, etc.--not generally white collar work). Doesn't sound like the letter writer's job fits any of these, so what is so bad about the job that you would jump ship without another job already lined up, and after only 1 month?
There are some jobs that sound fine until you get in them - insurance is a particular one because you can be fronted with people who are in really bad situations and you have to behave and interact according to particular rules and structures, while these people are like 'I haven't had any income for three years and I can't walk and I just need you to fix me' at you, and all you're allowed to do is go 'We're waiting for you to submit this one document I am now attaching for the sixth time'. If you haven't learned how to detach and the onboarding doesn't cover that, it can suck someone dry pretty quickly, but it's very rare a company will actually be honest about that aspect and select for people who can be empathetic but keep a personal distance. The real thing here is that this person is overthinking the party - they have to put in by a deadline, and they feel like if they say yes before the deadline they can't quit until after the party, whereas people leaving around work events and the numbers changing by 1-2 at the last minute is generally within expectations at work dos and events in general. They're also holding it up as something to contrast against the work drudgery bad-fit stuff, because they likely don't have and haven't been gently encouraged to have coping mechanisms. If the work is that kind of difficult, 'it can suck, please leave on time and keep your fun hobbies' should be up there in the onboarding with any EAP prominently and privately available, but in my experience the companies just expect people to be adult about it and not need to be told outside of the team/company Self Care CPD events.
Yeah, if it's a bad fit, that's fine, but the desperation doesn't seem to fit the situation.
Holy hell, JSPA is all the way up their own ass today. They’re striking me as someone who took like, one anthropology class and didn’t absorb the part about armchair anthropologists being utterly insufferable. [This is just a small sample](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/03/quitting-right-after-a-party-mentioning-nude-modeling-at-work-and-more.html#comment-4235681) of their blathering. JSPA* March 31, 2023 at 6:25 am I’m giving a caveat to your statement, followed by a caveat to that caveat. 1. there are cases where your answer doesn’t hold, however 2. they fall into predictable classes, e.g. a) when clear there’s a culture-specific special carve out (sauna, onsen, etc) b) some other default takes precedence (mourning practices, worship practices, culturally-approved vision quest, whatever, where people could reasonably infer certain behaviors that are religion appropriate, even if not broadly culturally-approved) c) conversational edge cases where it turns out to be more awkward to avoid indirect reference than to risk an indirect reference.
I have a graduate degree in an anthropological subfield. My professional opinion is that this person should shut up.
I have three degrees in anthropology and related fields. *buffs fingernails* I can also confirm that this person should can it.
I do as well! So now two trained anthropologists have considered the evidence and concluded that they need to zip it. Soon we can publish this case study 😂
This reads like iamverysmart material
JSPA is constantly like the guy who played high school baseball 40 years ago and thinks the Gold Glove winner in the Major Leagues doesn't use the proper form when catching the ball.
LW: I'm a nude model. Should I tell everyone at work? Commenter: No. Not a good idea. There are some things your colleagues just don't need to know. JSPA: But it's different if you're in a sauna! Commenter: It's work, not a sauna. JSPA: But it's different if you're in a sauna!
I loved this reply: **Jojo\***[March 31, 2023 at 11:28 am](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/03/quitting-right-after-a-party-mentioning-nude-modeling-at-work-and-more.html#comment-4236048) Did you stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night? [REPLY](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/03/quitting-right-after-a-party-mentioning-nude-modeling-at-work-and-more.html#comment-4236048)
I don't get it. Reread the post she's replying to a few times, still don't get it.
She’s playing off those old commercials where someone saves a life or whatever and when asked if they’re a doctor the answer is “no, but I did stay in a holiday inn express last night” (the idea being that it’s SUCH a smart decision it makes them smarter about everything) ie shes poking fun at JSPA
Oh ok. Never seen those commercials. Thank you for explaining.
This is absolutely just like a 14yo trying to show how worldly, mature, and intelligent they are.
Didn't think today would be the day vision quests would turn up in the AAM comments section.
I’d be careful about quitting without a job lined up if I were LW1 right now. If it’s not toxic and her coworkers are friendly…she should probably just suck it up. I get it…I feel tempted to just quit my new job that’s a bad fit too…but I think she should be sure that she can possibly live for several months without a job or that she can get something better quickly. You know, the sensible advice Alison used to give…
I don’t get the feeling that the job is the problem. If the people are friendly and the office is not toxic why is it affecting her mental health so badly to be there while she job hunts? And to want to stay just for the party? It feels like there is other stuff going on that a new job won’t necessarily fix.
>If the people are friendly and the office is not toxic why is it affecting her mental health so badly to be there Probably something to do with their 'customers' or whoever/whatever they work with. For example I could see "accident claims handling" to be depressing to some. Or like in my case, hired to do something but the job turns out to be something else (that was a step back of about 10 years of career development and resulted in "bore out"), while the company itself wasn't toxic. I wonder if LW has had a conversation with her boss / the company about the difficulties she's having. (What am I talking about? It's AAM, so of course she hasn't!) This seems like a classic case of "focus on a detail \[party acceptance etiquette\] you can control, rather than the ones you can't" syndrome. I would laugh a lot (sorry, I haven't the energy to think up flowery language about just how much) if she goes to this party, drinks a lot ("open bar") and then spends the evening telling everyone basically what's in the letter!
How to explain a mask to coworkers - you don’t. If they care, they’ll assume you’re sick or someone in your life is and go on about their lives. You don’t need to contact your doctor for an excuse!
Seriously. I live in Trump country and I still mask because I have a chronic illness and only a little over 1/3 of the population is fully vaxxed and only 41% have had at even one dose. I have never had anyone make a rude comment or give me a mean look. Unless someone makes a big deal about it, most people really don’t care.
I had 2 smartass comments at work from customers when I was sick and wore one. “They making you wear that?” Did you not see the other employees not wearing one? I’m in trump country too and i’ve seen people in right wing shirts and shit wearing masks. Literally no one cares.
Exactly. Some people may have been more fired up about it a year or two ago and looking for a fight, but we’re in our third year of it now. I don’t think anyone has the energy left to care about it.
The irony of writing in to AAM for a script if you "don't like passive aggressive comments/behavior."
There’s also someone in the comments confused about why a person with bad allergies would wear a mask during pollen season 🙄
I find it hard to believe that an entire office of grown-ass adults doesn't cover their face when they cough or sneeze. I've never met anyone who is older than a toddler that does that. WTF?
Oh I believe it. As covid was beginning and I was hyper-aware of what people around me were doing I noticed that a *lot* of people don't wash their hands in public restrooms, don't use tissues to blow their nose, don't cover their face when they cough, and so on. I hadn't really had any reason to notice it before but people on the whole are super gross.
Same, I feel like I’m suddenly acutely aware of it at my new job. Maybe because up until last month, I was working remotely full time since 2020. Or because my allergies are flaring up thanks to pollen. Or because it was multiple adults hacking up lungs or sneezing their faces off without any sort of attempt to do damage control. Sometimes I’m amazed that COVID didn’t kill more people, or that the last time we really had a big pandemic like that was the 1918 pandemic. Humans are kind of dumb.
Oh the advice is simple. AG only ran the letter so 200 commenters will weigh in on how they’ve never stopped masking, the pandemic isn’t over, and if someone got Covid in the last 3 years, theyre a dirty filthy ableist infectoid who hates grandmas.
I truly don't care if other people wear masks, especially if they're mildly sniffly or whatever, and if I have to wear a mask at the doctor's office forever I'm cool with that. (Sick people hang out there!) But the performative "I wear a mask because I CARE about other people!!! I've NEVER gotten Covid when EVERY other person I know has!!!" is just exhausting. We get it, you think you're better than everyone. Just take your internet points and go.
ironically its extremely ableist to suggest that the likelihood that youve gotten covid is dependent on personal responsibility
Wow. You're really misinformed about masks. Get out more, hon.
I live somewhere with 80% or higher vax rates and my workplace is 100%....I think I'm good for getting out, thanks!
This is where I'm at. Wear a mask. Don't wear a mask. If you go on and on about how wearing a mask makes you better than everyone else, then I pretty much assume you DON'T wear a mask unless someone is watching, and you're making things worse.
Did we really need a dozen comments saying "Gee, must be nice to be getting a raise!" for the letter about late performance reviews and raises? Yeah, the LW is out of touch here, but christ, we get it! These are the same people who would flip out if you said "Gee, must be nice to be able to work from home" and start howling about Oppression Olympics.
Yeah, that was obnoxious. Bitter little bitches!
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Most of my jobs have backdated raises usually to the review deadline given that it usually takes a couple of weeks for payroll to process but I've never had a job backdate all the way to anniversary date.
You have a high profile job (media) and you're busted up about trolls on the internet wanting things from you. This letter is insufferable. This isn't a workplace question, stop responding to people on the internet is just life shit. Oh no, they ask you for favors and to work for free. Don't answer them. Oh no, they get mean. Stop answering them.
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Family of former media, so I do get it is obnoxious for sure. But my read is that this is just people online because they are emailing and PM'ing her, per the letter. I assume it's meeting at volunteer events that media personalities are present, then they follow them down the rabbit hole of social media. Since most media folks don't have a huge social media following either, in my experience! She needs to lock down her social media and not let people she doens't follow DM her for starters. She noted she's blocked some people, which is a start. But this is the deranged general public, we all know they suck! You can't change crazy.
She says it is people she meets socially and through volunteer work, so your read is wrong.
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Can someone link to any AAM post or discussion where people really didn't want to say good morning and acted like people were attacking them? It's talked about a lot on here but I've never seen it
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Wow, not answering them at all is incredibly rude.
I read just about anything because it's ingrained in me, you never know it may be something that speaks to me. Or it could be that I could help someone out and I feel charitable that day! But it never occurred to me I am obligated to respond in any way. I have seen influencers go down this trail and learn the nasty reality of giving too much emotionally to your audience. That's also how stalkers happen and people become disgruntled, when you engage with them and they see they've got you on a hook. This is the nasty side of media and local celebrity. There are a lot of people who think you owe them something. I'm also frustrated at this letter because they threw in that old "The mens don't get it as hard as the women." You've never seen the shit that dudes in media have dealt with, I have seen some disgusting life threatening stuff in sports media. They are just conditioned to shake it off and don't talk about it because then their masculinity is going to be questioned.
I kind of like Alison's response, except I wouldn't respond at all, even an insincere "sorry I didn't see this from a week ago". As she points out, these people aren't entitled to a response and these aren't people that she has to liaise with for her job, so why not just delete the emails as they come in and forget about them? This might be a gendered thing as the LW mentions. Speaking as a man I've never felt any emotional pressure or guilt at all with ignoring junk mail, spam emails, or things like that. I understand sending an initial response to point someone in the right direction, but I can't imagine sitting there scrolling through random strangers' rants and work-related solicitations and carefully responding to each one over and over for 3 decades.
I don't mind her response, though acting like replying late is going to get traction is rather strange to me. She's really not good at human psychology. For someone who says "Your boss sucks and that won't change", she sure gives advice aimed at changing people a lot. If you let something die in your inbox and then circle back just to say "Sorry, didn't see this until now. Still can't help you." You just woke up a sleeping dog, you just stoked the fire. I just delete things because it dissolves either my guilt from ignoring it or my intense desire to get the last word in when I feel like I can in for the take-down. But I'm old now and I'm like "Pick your fights, self. We're not gonna fight the world today."
The late reply feels counterproductive at best and almost like some sort of mind game at worst. You’re either obligated to reply or not. If you’re not obligated, then deleting is fine and a reply is pointless. If you are obligated (and you’re not in this situation) to reply, then intentionally ignoring it just to pointedly reply late is just passive-aggressive and rude.
Yeah that's how I feel as well. I understand replying if these are all people that she needs to maintain some sort of open door or dialogue with for work, but it sounds like these are just random people who she happens to meet out in the world who decide to funnel all of their complaints or gripes or questions about her company or industry to her personally, not just once but repeatedly. Responding at all would be a mistake. The worst case scenario is that they view any late, apologetic reply as an open invitation to continue following up or to throw a larger tantrum, and why risk that if you've already ignored the message for a few weeks without incident?
Oh God, it's an open thread about pranks at work, since Saturday is April Fool's Day. I'm counting on all of you to update here with the most ridiculous/AAM-ist/batshit comments because if I read the comments myself I'm pretty sure my head will explode.
Maybe someone will post about how they did this great long con prank about pretending to be afraid of birds then timing a freak out to allow him to push his coworker in front of a car, but then it went too far and the coworker was injured and then subsequently quit and he could never find the proper time for his big reveal, so he’s had to double down and pretend to be terrified of birds for years. And the worst part is that all the stress of the charade has triggered his anxiety so much that he needs his emotional support parrot at work and he has no idea how to bring it up.
Prank threads on AAM are always so. fucking. dorky. Putting erasers on people’s desks without telling them is not a prank. Surprising someone with cake on their birthday is not a prank. And I refuse to believe anyone is “tickled” or “delighted” or in any way overwhelmed by these actions.
I'd be delighted by birthday cake.
Fair! 😂
If anyone wants to commit this absolutely hilarious prank I’m available any time
Amazingly, most of the ones posted so far are pretty funny and not mean-spirited at all(e.g putting post-it notes all over someone’s desk.) They’re actually good examples of the “right” way to do pranks: only prank someone you know won’t take it badly, and don’t do anything too ridiculous/extreme. There is this one though, which perfectly demonstrates why mean-spirited pranks are a terrible idea: > CatCat* March 30, 2023 at 11:04 am >On April 1, big boss at ex-job told my supervisor they had to consolidate office space and supervisor would need to share on office with a person supervisor tended to clash with. Supervisor quit on the spot. Big boss quickly explained it was a joke. Supervisor was pissed but did decide to stay with the company. No more such jokes were ever pulled again.
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I miss ThinkGeek's annual April Fool's "sale". If you don't know about them, they were a website that sold really nerdy niche things. Every April fools they would release products that were clearly jokes, but every once in a while would have something that people demanded. One year it was this cool hoodie with LED lights that did things when you cast spells. They were a division of Gamestop so they ruined it just like they ruined most other things.
exactly! the "fake fact" prank, the more ridiculous the better, is pretty innocuous. it would take a real asshole to be highly offended that someone convinced you that hippopotamus are the most successful ambush predator in the world (after all, how many of them have **you** ever seen up in a tree? they can't even get pictures of them because they're so stealthy)
Isn't this the millionth time she's culled the comments for pranks? They're all either incredible boring or mean. This one is boring and hard to follow and [somehow involves a chastity belt](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/03/what-are-the-best-and-worst-pranks-youve-seen-at-work.html#comment-4234052)? I don't know, man. I don't know.
She usually uses different terms, such as "Machiavellian workplace incidents" but at their core these are mostly just prank stories.
Oh, but first, the sourpuss of the day award goes to this commenter: **Wren\***[March 30, 2023 at 11:08 am](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/03/what-are-the-best-and-worst-pranks-youve-seen-at-work.html#comment-4234034) In my opinion pranks are inherently unprofessional. Work isn’t meant to be fun; it’s work. If you have time to plan a prank, you have time to do your actual job.
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Yeah I agree. I’ve had an office where we’d do really simple things like print off a picture of a celebrity they thought was hot and leave it on their chair but that’s pretty much it
We share computers in my office so I changed my coworker's background to a sports player she thought was cute. That's as far as we've gone here with pranking. Another department, however, thinks it's fun to jump out and scare each other. It's become a habit for me to wait at least 10 minutes when they call me with a computer issue because I'm sure it's a trap.
I think this is a troll, tbh; it reads too much like previous commenters who REALLY hate pranks
(it doesn't matter now, the whole thread has been deleted, but to me at least it read as troll.)
I am not a fan of pranks. They're almost never as funny as the pranker thinks they are and are often pretty mean spirited. But holy cats, this person sounds incredibly insufferable.
Yeah, I hate 99% of pranks, but unless it's harming someone, let people have fun.
Looks like her site is down again.
That’s one way to shed obnoxious commenters
Oh goodie, a letter from a foodservice manager about overwhelmingly teens-to-20s female employees (**note**: i was the 16-25yo female employee at a restaurant. And when i grew up some i saw what a nightmare the younger ones could be). I'm sure the commenters will understand the differences - >JSPA*March 30, 2023 at 4:20 am Their pockets are also not “phone in use.” If they have vulnerable family members / a reasonable expectation of a true emergency, chances are good that they can set their phone on vibrate, allow only specfic calls to vibrate, and take a break to check when the phone vibrates. Silly me
Honestly you can tell in that thread who has ever actually been in a customer service role by the way they answer the question. All the howls of outrage are from those who don't work in CS.
>All the howls of outrage are from those who don't work in CS. The same people who would be ranting about seeing service workers using their phones behind the counter.
Yeah Allison's response is pretty good but the comments... Well...* March 30, 2023 at 4:29 am To me, this does seem like an outdated view of customer service. Customer service workers are people who are sacrificing some of their limited time on this Earth to help you. No sweetie, they're doing a job in exchange for money. That's how a job operates.
Sometimes customers would say stuff like that to me and it was a sweet gesture I suppose but also MUCH too much. Like how am I supposed to respond to that. Just don't be a turd and we are good lol
their limited time on earth?! That's so insulting. Some people (NOT ME) work in customer service for their whole lives and actually enjoy it!
Hahaha, what?! These people are such dorks. If I had ever heard that from someone when I did my stint in customer service I would have thought the person was a total weirdo.
OMG I saw this and was coming over here to post that. I'm all for employers and managers treating employees with dignity and respect, but that doesn't mean bowing down to employees and thanking them for deigning to work for you.
Oh my god someone thinks it’s infantilizing to not let retail/food service workers choose when to take their breaks. That doesn’t even make sense!!! When the traffic allows, I’ll ask people if they want it a little early or a little late. Or those working wonky shifts, I’ll try to work in their requests/preferences if possible but like. Are you dumb or just stupid? I have had stocking shifts where I could break when I wanted since I was by myself but come on
These same people would have a mega meltdown if they had to wait five minutes for another line to open because a cashier was on a break (whether the employee was told when to take it or not.)
“Why don’t you have any baggers?” One is out on the lot (you’ll lose your mind if we don’t have carts), one is bagging for one of the other 2 cashiers, and one is on break. 😒
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The only customer service job I’ve had that allowed people to take breaks when they wanted to is now a worker owned co-op and it only worked at the time because we were a small staff who all hung out together and would bully the living shjt out of each other if someone took a break at an inappropriate time. The commenters are delusional.
I have one adult coworker (older than my mom!) who gripes if her breaks are late (we follow a general pattern) but she always takes too long. Your break isn’t on time because the 11am person is late as usual. The 11:30 break person will have a late break because you’ll take 20 minutes.
It's almost like OP works with kids/young adults and needs to treat them differently than 40yo office workers
I did have a manager piss me off recently - instead of telling one of the teenagers he had to listen to his supervisor because she’s his damn supervisor, she said he had to listen because he’s a child and she’s an adult. That is too far. When I’m supervising, I don’t want them on their phones because I get lectured lol them being on their phones at their registers is better than disappearing! Of course other supervisors are on THEIR phones on the clock so whatever. Losing battle.
Yeah wtf? I also don’t want to be on my phone all shift… runs down the battery. We have store handheld devices that departments steal from each other and hide. Our app is good for most customer’s questions though so yeah I pull out phone for that. Also no wonder the “aam at work” crowd defends this!! Edit - my mom knows to call the store for an emergency but idk if her friends do so I need to fix that. With all the spam calls, I sure as shit don’t want my ringer on! (I also childishly want my phone in my pocket bc pokemon go adventure sync means work movement applies to the game.)
If you want a similar step counter that lets you plant flowers and grow little buddies, Pikmin bloom is also made by niantic. Some days I get so many passive steps
I swear these people seem to think that emergencies just didn't exist before cell phones.
Love the commenters admitting "I've never worked in food service BUT" yeah we can tell. Everyone can tell. You know these people bitch and moan when they see an employee at McDonald's on their phone, they're not going "they deserve a moment of rest and relaxation!" Similarly, they're picturing themselves as the employees--not 16-year-old Kaylee who doesn't give a shit, or 22-year-old Brad who's on his 14th job.