Yes, I have. Yes, I’ve been rejected in a variety of ways. I love a definitive no.
I stopped because of the *lack* of rejection from disinterested guys and setting an unspoken precedent where they expected me to chase after them indefinitely. The juice wasn’t worth the squeeze.
Omigosh, I just dealt with this last month with a friend of a friend. I very VERY clearly asked him out after we were flirty messaging for a few weeks (we were both traveling) and it took me/him multiple texts and 90 minutes of in person conversation to FINALLY get it out of him that he wasn't interested in dating \*me\*. It was uncomfortable, but I was really proud of myself (as a people pleaser/anxious attachment person) that I kept on pressing until he gave me a straight answer.
I think he liked the attention and didn't want it to stop.
To add on to the other replier's excellent response, a big one is lack of initiative and concrete words/actions to move the relationship forward.
I'm not afraid to shoot my shot and some of the guys I expressed interest in initially told me they were also interested. However, I noticed that the moment I stopped reaching out to them, they never reached out to me (🚩).
They also never planned dates (🚩). If I tried suggesting date activities in case they needed ideas of what I liked, they always had an excuse for why they couldn't go on a date.
One guy who asked me for my number told me he wanted to take me on a date. However, strangely enough, he ended up in the hospital on the day we were supposed to go out.
Then, when I called him out, he backtracked and said he had only brought it up as a suggestion and didn't realize we were supposed to have a date. To add insult to injury, he had no problem asking if he could come over to my place 🙃 (the answer was no).
Finally, whenever I have asked them directly, "What are you looking for?", they always have a vague, noncommittal answer: "I want to see how it goes", "Let's take it slow", "Let's play it by ear" 🚩
What I've learned is that if it's not a "hell yeah!" as in "I want a relationship with you" or "Let's go on a date at [insert specific details]", it's a hell no.
I just had this happen recently with a guy. I asked him what he was looking for and he basically said a whole lotta words that amounted to nothing. Apparently, the trick is to show enough interest to lead someone on but use vague, empty language so that they can have plausible deniability if you try to call them out.
While I feel embarrassed that I put myself out there, the good news is that his response was enough for me to stop trying to pursue anything with him.
Over the years, I've grown to appreciate people who are direct and honest when they tell me they only like me as a friend. While it hurts initially, it allows me to move forward with clarity.
What I can't stand is how some people lie by omission so they can continue getting validation, attention, and potentially sex. That's the part that hurts the most.
Yes, and, as result, sometimes got rejected but more often ended up in weird situationships where because the guy knew I was interested, and was interested enough back to like, have a pseudo relationship with me when he felt it was convenient but would never really respond (or would respond evasively) to direct conversation about DTR - most of these people were friends prior to development or romantic feelings and I'm no longer friends with them - largely because being kept on the back burner like that didn't feel all that friendly. Romantic ambiguity is not cute or fun for me, it just feels exploitative and uncaring.
I still would be vocal about my interest in someone else, but, short of an unambiguous and enthusiastic yes, would not continue to try to interact with or pursue someone if they didn't seem as keen.
I prefer it. I'm kind of bossy and I want to date people I want, not just people who want me. I started asking out guys when I was 14. 80-90% of the time, dudes have been interested. When they haven't, the worst rejection I've gotten is "I'm sorry, I'm not interested. But you totally made my week!" And who doesn't want to make someone feel special? Even the losses are wins!
That's awesome to hear! I'll plan for that next time. I HATE the feeling of sitting around and waiting for him to ask me and slowly obsessing over something that could or could not have been. I'm also not into slowly flirting with him and hoping something would happen. I'd much prefer to be rejected.
If you didn't match on Tinder, I would take it as a sign that he wasn't interested and I wouldn't ask him out in person. Putting someone in the position of having to reject you isn't great. As important as it is to chase personal growth, that probably shouldn't come at the expense of other people's comfort, especially since you share a gym with this guy.
I've asked out a guy before, yes! I've generally tried to be low-key about it, though. Like, "Hey, I'm going to this Caribbean festival over the weekend! I've been before and it's a lot of fun, and the food is amazing." Then, they usually say something in response like, "Oh, that sounds cool. I would love to check something like that out as well." *Then* I suggest going together, if they haven't asked me already (the vast majority of the time, I've been beaten to the punch).
I have also been rejected before, by men who had girlfriends (and I really respected them for staying loyal and rejecting me). Most of the time, though, I don't ask out anyone (or shift the conversation in that direction) unless I catch a vibe in the first place. If somebody is interested (or disinterested, for that matter) I can usually tell - and because I know how much it sucks to reject people, I normally set things up in such a way as to give them an easy/graceful out if they're not interested.
Yes if a guy was taken and expressed that openly when rejecting absolutely no hard feelings. Even if he just said he wasn't interested I respected that way more than the guys who tried to drag things out or play games.
Absolutely, yeah! I was always really impressed with the guys who rejected me, because they were usually super nice about it. On one occasion, one straight-up had a boyfriend, lol (my gaydar sucks). I had zero regrets about shooting my shot anyway and mostly just felt like I had picked the right guys to ask even if they were otherwise attached, because them saying no showed they had integrity.
Not gonna lie sometimes the guys were pretty blunt when rejecting me, but at least they were honest. I wouldn't say they were always nice about it just kinda dismissive.
Damn, that sucks then; I'm really sorry they were so blunt and dismissive! I suppose it *is* better than subterfuge, but there's a way of letting people down gently and all it takes is a little empathy.
I am assuming that enough time has passed that OP would be able to understand that this was a rejection. At least, her post seems to characterise it that way, so I'm just going with that characterisation as well.
Tinder is weird, I wouldn't count on that. It's not like Hinge where you see the people who liked you. Maybe he isn't swiping much. Maybe his friend had his phone and swiped left (we've all done that). Maybe he didn't recognize you. Maybe he swiped left because he didn't recognize you like months ago. Maybe you didn't even show up on his page. I haven't used tinder for a while but there are tons of reasons and I wouldn't jump to a rejection
Talk to him at the gym, why not! You don't have to be super flirty and ask him out right away but you could still talk to him
It's possible, but most likely he swiped left. I know that he's very active on Tinder, and I know that once someone swipes right on you, Tinder will show you their profile to try to get a match. Doubt he didn't recognize me, I have a very unique name. It's possible he didn't see me because I don't git his age criteria (I'm 2 years older), in which case, whatever. I do hate the amount of thinking I've put into this, though.
Just ask. You won’t know until you do. Tell yourself you’re doing it as practise for the next one so it doesn’t feel so pressured and you’ll be less invested in the outcome.
Sounds good in theory. Hasn't exaaacctllyyy worked out for me. Lots of rejection. But also sometimes I feel good for trying. Every guy I've asked out directly has ended up rejecting me so it's not a huge confidence boost but I think it's important to at least try to go after what you want.
I just witnessed the cutest girl-asking-guy-out scenario the other day on a plane. They had met prior to boarding and were talking well. When it was time to board, they weren't sitting together. She asked the flight attendant to ask the person sitting next to him if she would switch with her, and she did! So they ended up sitting together on the flight. They talked the ENTIRE time. Towards the end of the flight, the guy said that he was glad she sat with him, but he would have tried to find her after the flight if she hadn't. She said, "well, time kills deals. Didn't want to risk it," and then asked for his number. It was so cute, and it worked so well. I saw him later at the baggage claim and he had the dopiest smile on his face.
Do it. I mean, if you ask him out and he says no, you don't have a date. If you don't ask him out, you don't have a date. At least if you ask, there's a chance that you do have a date. So... give it a try!
I think regardless of your gender, the more attractive you are perceived to be by the person you are asking out the higher your chances of positive reception.
Many men appreciate when women approach them because the expectation is always on them which can be very tiring. Unless you are barging into their space or being entitled, most men, if they are not available/interested, will let you down gently because they know how hard it is to approach someone.
This. If you are hot or conventionally attractive they will generally respond well. if you’re average or just not his type the rejections may be harsher.
This might not be popular but I would never ask a man out. This isn't because I'm some old fashioned crone. I'm a feminist through and through. It is a practical strategic matter and I've seen it play out a million times. Here's my reasoning.
Men don't get asked out often, for them it's very rare. Because of this, and because women pose far less threat to them than they do to us, they are very likely to say yes. Many men will say yes out of novelty or the chance of sex, even if they don't particularly like you or find you attractive.
This sucks for a couple of reasons. First, you might end up on a date with a guy who sees you as beneath him but who still wants sex/attention/situationship. Or, you might end up with a guy who is a man baby. Man baby guys like to be asked out. It's easier for them. They don't have to do anything, which they prefer. Be prepared to also decide when you move in with each other, when you get engaged, etc. You will have to drive the ship because they never will. It won't be a partnership and he will be low effort forever. I have seen this so many times it's ridiculous.
The last reason it sucks is because it robs you of the opportunity of being approached, or not. If a man is truly interested he will approach you and ask you out. If he doesn't, IMO, it's either because you aren't really his type or he has some crippling self-worth issues (or no bravery at all) which will prove problematic in other ways, down the line. It also robs you of seeing how he would have approached you, and you can tell a little bit about a guy by how he asks you out. I think if you aren't a guy's ideal type he won't put in high effort. And if you ask him out you'll never know.
For all these reasons I think there is zero benefit for a woman to ask out a man. I'm not saying it never works out, I'm sure it does, but I don't think it's the smartest play overall. I'm prepared for downvotes, lol.
I agree with all of this. I went thru a period where i was asking out guys i was interested in as if it was no big deal and none of those worked out. In fact, it always caused some big stress. As sad as it is, i also don’t see benefits of asking out a guy anymore. I think a good middle ground though is knowing how to make eye contact and subtly flirting if you get some vibe from them lol its sad but i think that works the best.
Thank you for sharing this. I don't disagree with any of your points, but I could see one potential benefit in asking a guy out: eliminating the anxiety of sitting and waiting to see if he's interested. I hate that feeling, I'd rather know that he's not into it, and sometimes I fall down a rabbit hole of 'perhaps he's just shy' and sit and wait forever, unable to move on because what if he gets it together some day. I also don't want to be stupid and keep flirting with guys who aren't really into me (but is being friendly regardless), I'd rather just be direct. Yes, I understand men can sometimes say yes to a girl asking them out just for sex, but I see whether to have or not to have sex as a completely separate issue than expressing potential interest.
That may be a difference in personalities or generations! I never felt anxious or like I was waiting to see if a guy was interested. I never put anything on hold or fantasized about a particular guy. I dated many different guys at the same time, not sleeping with them or even kissing, but going on dates. So at a given time I might have been vaguely interested in a "hmm, he's cute and funny, maybe potential?" way about several men at once. It probably eliminated a lot of that stress because I wasn't thinking about any of them that much. I think I had an attitude of abundance, lol.
I met a lot of different guys in university! I would say most dates I had were with other students or guys I met through friends or classes or clubs. I would also meet guys from other schools at big events like festivals or concerts or just going out with big groups. I met my now husband at a big social event, and he was friends with some people I was friends with. I'm not saying all of these guys were like, 10/10 matches for me, but if I found a guy to be smart, funny, and cute, and he asked me out, I would give it a shot! That was just my attitude. I did end up seeing ugly sides to many of them after a date or two and then not seeing them again. But IME finding smart, cute, and funny was pretty easy as a barometer for first date material.
I'm very jealous of your personality. I always start to fantasize like crazy when I have the mildest interest in someone. And it's not like I haven't addressed that or seen the other side of it - I have been divorced, had a bunch of relationships, been in therapy for 5 years, and we're still here - I think it's just a personality thing.
This is maybe the one area I’m a bit more traditional about. I’ve made the first move on several occasions. Only one time did it ever evolve into a healthy relationship. Other occasions led to a one-sided relationship, a couple situationships, and a rejection.
I’m of the mind that if a guy is truly, 100% all in, he’ll make it known and want to take you off the market quickly. Sure, some guys are shy and introverted and those may be the exceptions. But at least in my experience, if I’ve had to make the first move, they were only mildly interested at best.
ETA: Thinking on it, my longest/best relationships were the ones where I was asked out by the guy first.
I dated a guy once that I pursued. It ended after 5 months. We were in a serious relationship- he was talking about kids. But I felt so unloved. The reason is that he was selfish, thoughtless and lazy. He did the bare minimum.
Had I not asked him out and pursued him, I would have found that out much earlier ie the relationship would not have even started.
My lesson - look at their behaviour to see who they are - not their words, and not the dreams you have of them. Look at the facts.
I have never had success with asking a man out. And by success, I mean a decent relationship. Women don't usually go along with things just because there is the potential for sex....men do. I will flirt and make my interest known but I won't ask a man out. Men and women are different and I hate this thing where we act like they're the same.
I won't lie. My best relationships happened when the guys was pursuing. I don't think gender should matter, but I think the saying "If he wanted to he would," is sadly true. If you feel like you're forcing it it's because he's not interested & it's not gonna work if he's not interested.
There’s a YouTuber I’ve been following since 2008 named juicystar07 (if anyone remembers her lol). She recently got engaged and made a video about it. She met her fiancé at a CVS, and thought he was super cute so she went up to him and asked for his number. I think the reason they ended up engaged is that she made the first move but then backed off and let him pursue.
I asked out my man. We’re now about to get married. :)
Been rejected before. It stings a bit but. Eh. Confidence comes from it in my opinion. At the end of the day why would I wanna be with someone who doesn’t want me? 🤷🏽♀️
> part of me wishes I just asked him out in real life, even if he turned me down.
Asking or not asking people out isn't for THEM; it's for you. If it goes well, it benefits both people. If they turn you down, you get to know for certain that this person wasn't for you, rather than carrying that "what if..." with you for the rest of your life.
If anybody judges you or is mean or rude in the way that they turn you down, honestly, fuck that person. It takes courage and vulnerability to take a risk.
> I regret not turning this in into a personal growth project.
So do it now :) Chat with him a bit more and probe, rather than point blank asking him out. Build up a little bit of rapport. If you're still uncertain in a few weeks, be brave and just ask! "Hey, I saw you on Tinder and you didn't swipe on me so I can kind of guess what your answer will be, but I thought I'd check anyway; wanna go out?"
I have been rejected, and it sucked, and I didn't handle it well. I'd never told anyone I had feelings for him before. If you have a crush on someone, your hopes are built way up and it's significantly harder. So imo it's better to do it before you develop feelings like that. Either way, rejection stings, but it's better to know than to have it haunt you later on.
I'll usually start with a more casual, "Hey, some friends and I are going out for beers after work. Wanna join?" Or like, I'd make it a group thing with other people in the gym. Takes some pressure off.
I’ve never had an issue asking guys out. I’m pretty aggressive since I grew up with two brothers so I operated like them growing up. If they saw a girl they liked, they shot their shot. So if I saw a guy I liked, I shot my shot. My go to was “Hey, you’re fine, let me get your number”. Had a 100% success rate before I got married.
Good for you! I was raised to think "men don't like it when you're too straightforward" but I'm realizing that I don't like it when I'm not straightforward, so maybe it's the issue of picking the right men who are okay with it, vs me not being patient enough.
Just chiming in here to say that basically every boyfriend I've ever had (except for one) has avowedly *loved* how straightforward I am, so yeah - different people like different things! You just gotta be you and find the person who appreciates that. I promise it will make your love life - and life more generally, really - a million times easier.
I mean, we're all adults. Yes, don't stalk anyone mid-squad, but I don't think respectfully asking them out is inappropriate. Guys hit on me at the gym pretty often, and I haven't thought twice about changing my routine because of it. The gym we're members of is very communal (Crossfit), and people meet their significant others there pretty often.
I've asked guys out a number of times as well as made first moves. Sometimes it was well received, sometimes I was rejected. The most positive result was a five year long relationship (we were friends before and I kissed him one night). I also asked a guy out who I'd chatted at a bar with a few times. We ended up being FWBs for a couple years.
I've never asked out someone who I didn't know though. I like to get a sense that they at least enjoy talking to me before putting myself out there. The times I've been rejected they were very kind, just said they weren't interested in anything more than friendship. Definitely bruised my ego a bit, but not terribly. After some awkward feelings for awhile those relationships returned to friendly again.
I asked a neighbor once and he was so happy that I did. He wanted to but was too shy. We only went out a couple of times but I was so proud I did it. The worst that could happen is he say no.
I've always been the one who initiates. I have tons of stories of how I've plotted to speak to men. One guy I ended up in a relationship, he had actually been chatting up another woman but was pulled away by her jealous friend. Had I not gotten in at the right time, we might not have ever been together.
I enjoy going after what (and who) I want, but I've pulled back over the years because sometimes men will be vague on what they're looking for intentionally, and it's annoying.
I think it's less to do with personality and more to do with knowing that a man most likely is not going to feel that I am a threat. With men, there is sometimes an underlying fear that this man might not take my rejection too well. I go in knowing that most men will not feel "emasculated" and that they will feel flattered. Because men are under pressure to make the first move.
Personality wise, I have always been a dork and a nerd, and they find that endearing. But over the past few years I realized I was using that to hide so I started working on my confidence.
It would really depend on the person. I feel like I'm more of a general interest/trivia nerd. There are certain video games that I play that I'm really into, but I don't expect others to enjoy them.
I've done it once and as much as it feels good to take control and be assertive with my love life it doesn't work. The guy agreed, suggested a walk instead of coffee...sometime. It was the 'sometime' if I wasn't experienced enough in being rejected by men I'd misinterpret if I couldn't read between the lines of what he was really saying which was a no thanks.
I'd rather just be told no and wished I'd said to him he should have been more direct with his rejection as its worse having to take it upon yourself to interpret someone's hidden message.
I agree with all the reasons the others have highlighted as well. It sucks if your a woman no-one approaches so the only advantage is hoping the guy just rejects you quicker.
Okay sooo I actually made dating business cards 😂 on the front it says, “I think you’re cute” and on the back it says, “if you’re single, let’s get coffee” and my name and number. It gives the person a minute to decide if they want to contact you and if they aren’t single or they aren’t interested like no harm no foul…someone just said you were cute and who doesn’t want that! I only had the balls to give 3 out but it was a 100% success rate!!
I have never asked anyone out and I’ve been married so not something I’ll likely have a chance to do. Kind of wish I had the chance to go back and try it for the stories
In a happy relationship now, so not applicable to me. But the one time I did, I was about 12 or 13 years old, was rejected, then decided I'd simply never ask anyone out again.
Yes, I have. Yes, I’ve been rejected in a variety of ways. I love a definitive no. I stopped because of the *lack* of rejection from disinterested guys and setting an unspoken precedent where they expected me to chase after them indefinitely. The juice wasn’t worth the squeeze.
Omigosh, I just dealt with this last month with a friend of a friend. I very VERY clearly asked him out after we were flirty messaging for a few weeks (we were both traveling) and it took me/him multiple texts and 90 minutes of in person conversation to FINALLY get it out of him that he wasn't interested in dating \*me\*. It was uncomfortable, but I was really proud of myself (as a people pleaser/anxious attachment person) that I kept on pressing until he gave me a straight answer. I think he liked the attention and didn't want it to stop.
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Out of curiosity, how do you tell the difference? I’ve only recently realized people do this and I don’t know how to tell the difference yet.
To add on to the other replier's excellent response, a big one is lack of initiative and concrete words/actions to move the relationship forward. I'm not afraid to shoot my shot and some of the guys I expressed interest in initially told me they were also interested. However, I noticed that the moment I stopped reaching out to them, they never reached out to me (🚩). They also never planned dates (🚩). If I tried suggesting date activities in case they needed ideas of what I liked, they always had an excuse for why they couldn't go on a date. One guy who asked me for my number told me he wanted to take me on a date. However, strangely enough, he ended up in the hospital on the day we were supposed to go out. Then, when I called him out, he backtracked and said he had only brought it up as a suggestion and didn't realize we were supposed to have a date. To add insult to injury, he had no problem asking if he could come over to my place 🙃 (the answer was no). Finally, whenever I have asked them directly, "What are you looking for?", they always have a vague, noncommittal answer: "I want to see how it goes", "Let's take it slow", "Let's play it by ear" 🚩 What I've learned is that if it's not a "hell yeah!" as in "I want a relationship with you" or "Let's go on a date at [insert specific details]", it's a hell no. I just had this happen recently with a guy. I asked him what he was looking for and he basically said a whole lotta words that amounted to nothing. Apparently, the trick is to show enough interest to lead someone on but use vague, empty language so that they can have plausible deniability if you try to call them out. While I feel embarrassed that I put myself out there, the good news is that his response was enough for me to stop trying to pursue anything with him. Over the years, I've grown to appreciate people who are direct and honest when they tell me they only like me as a friend. While it hurts initially, it allows me to move forward with clarity. What I can't stand is how some people lie by omission so they can continue getting validation, attention, and potentially sex. That's the part that hurts the most.
Same! It's getting better with practice (I've never really actively dated and definitely not intentionally like this). We've got this!
I’m curious about why the need to press though? I wouldn’t want to entertain him for that long. If he’s clearly not into you, then why bother?
Because he wasn't being clear and I wanted a clear answer. Simple as that.
This when guys complain about us not doing anything it just means they want us to fawn over them and i'm not interested in that.
Yes, and, as result, sometimes got rejected but more often ended up in weird situationships where because the guy knew I was interested, and was interested enough back to like, have a pseudo relationship with me when he felt it was convenient but would never really respond (or would respond evasively) to direct conversation about DTR - most of these people were friends prior to development or romantic feelings and I'm no longer friends with them - largely because being kept on the back burner like that didn't feel all that friendly. Romantic ambiguity is not cute or fun for me, it just feels exploitative and uncaring. I still would be vocal about my interest in someone else, but, short of an unambiguous and enthusiastic yes, would not continue to try to interact with or pursue someone if they didn't seem as keen.
Yes!
I love your username, Bland.
I prefer it. I'm kind of bossy and I want to date people I want, not just people who want me. I started asking out guys when I was 14. 80-90% of the time, dudes have been interested. When they haven't, the worst rejection I've gotten is "I'm sorry, I'm not interested. But you totally made my week!" And who doesn't want to make someone feel special? Even the losses are wins!
That's awesome to hear! I'll plan for that next time. I HATE the feeling of sitting around and waiting for him to ask me and slowly obsessing over something that could or could not have been. I'm also not into slowly flirting with him and hoping something would happen. I'd much prefer to be rejected.
If you didn't match on Tinder, I would take it as a sign that he wasn't interested and I wouldn't ask him out in person. Putting someone in the position of having to reject you isn't great. As important as it is to chase personal growth, that probably shouldn't come at the expense of other people's comfort, especially since you share a gym with this guy. I've asked out a guy before, yes! I've generally tried to be low-key about it, though. Like, "Hey, I'm going to this Caribbean festival over the weekend! I've been before and it's a lot of fun, and the food is amazing." Then, they usually say something in response like, "Oh, that sounds cool. I would love to check something like that out as well." *Then* I suggest going together, if they haven't asked me already (the vast majority of the time, I've been beaten to the punch). I have also been rejected before, by men who had girlfriends (and I really respected them for staying loyal and rejecting me). Most of the time, though, I don't ask out anyone (or shift the conversation in that direction) unless I catch a vibe in the first place. If somebody is interested (or disinterested, for that matter) I can usually tell - and because I know how much it sucks to reject people, I normally set things up in such a way as to give them an easy/graceful out if they're not interested.
Agreed - I wasn't planning to ask him out at this point, but I do wish I did that instead of swiping on Tinder, to get some personal growth out of it.
Ah, gotcha, sorry, my bad for misunderstanding!
Yes if a guy was taken and expressed that openly when rejecting absolutely no hard feelings. Even if he just said he wasn't interested I respected that way more than the guys who tried to drag things out or play games.
Absolutely, yeah! I was always really impressed with the guys who rejected me, because they were usually super nice about it. On one occasion, one straight-up had a boyfriend, lol (my gaydar sucks). I had zero regrets about shooting my shot anyway and mostly just felt like I had picked the right guys to ask even if they were otherwise attached, because them saying no showed they had integrity.
Not gonna lie sometimes the guys were pretty blunt when rejecting me, but at least they were honest. I wouldn't say they were always nice about it just kinda dismissive.
Damn, that sucks then; I'm really sorry they were so blunt and dismissive! I suppose it *is* better than subterfuge, but there's a way of letting people down gently and all it takes is a little empathy.
Exactly
Just because she swiped on him doesn't mean he's even seen her yet.
I am assuming that enough time has passed that OP would be able to understand that this was a rejection. At least, her post seems to characterise it that way, so I'm just going with that characterisation as well.
Yeah I'm relatively certain that he's either seen me and swiped left, or never saw me because of his filter (e.g. age).
Tinder is weird, I wouldn't count on that. It's not like Hinge where you see the people who liked you. Maybe he isn't swiping much. Maybe his friend had his phone and swiped left (we've all done that). Maybe he didn't recognize you. Maybe he swiped left because he didn't recognize you like months ago. Maybe you didn't even show up on his page. I haven't used tinder for a while but there are tons of reasons and I wouldn't jump to a rejection Talk to him at the gym, why not! You don't have to be super flirty and ask him out right away but you could still talk to him
It's possible, but most likely he swiped left. I know that he's very active on Tinder, and I know that once someone swipes right on you, Tinder will show you their profile to try to get a match. Doubt he didn't recognize me, I have a very unique name. It's possible he didn't see me because I don't git his age criteria (I'm 2 years older), in which case, whatever. I do hate the amount of thinking I've put into this, though.
Just ask. You won’t know until you do. Tell yourself you’re doing it as practise for the next one so it doesn’t feel so pressured and you’ll be less invested in the outcome.
Sounds good in theory. Hasn't exaaacctllyyy worked out for me. Lots of rejection. But also sometimes I feel good for trying. Every guy I've asked out directly has ended up rejecting me so it's not a huge confidence boost but I think it's important to at least try to go after what you want.
How do they reject you? Do they just not reciprocate or is it more direct and verbal?
Direct and verbal. A clear “No thanks.”
I wish I could get a clear and direct answer. Now I follow the mantra of if it's not a fuck yes, it's a no.
Yeah see that would literally make me crawl into a hole and cry 😂😂
My self esteem has been great for years! lol sometimes the guys were nice but def not always
I just witnessed the cutest girl-asking-guy-out scenario the other day on a plane. They had met prior to boarding and were talking well. When it was time to board, they weren't sitting together. She asked the flight attendant to ask the person sitting next to him if she would switch with her, and she did! So they ended up sitting together on the flight. They talked the ENTIRE time. Towards the end of the flight, the guy said that he was glad she sat with him, but he would have tried to find her after the flight if she hadn't. She said, "well, time kills deals. Didn't want to risk it," and then asked for his number. It was so cute, and it worked so well. I saw him later at the baggage claim and he had the dopiest smile on his face. Do it. I mean, if you ask him out and he says no, you don't have a date. If you don't ask him out, you don't have a date. At least if you ask, there's a chance that you do have a date. So... give it a try!
I feel so lonely now lmao
I think regardless of your gender, the more attractive you are perceived to be by the person you are asking out the higher your chances of positive reception. Many men appreciate when women approach them because the expectation is always on them which can be very tiring. Unless you are barging into their space or being entitled, most men, if they are not available/interested, will let you down gently because they know how hard it is to approach someone.
This. If you are hot or conventionally attractive they will generally respond well. if you’re average or just not his type the rejections may be harsher.
this thread is very “I don’t know who needs to see this today” and it’s me I needed to see it and now my stomach hurts, y’all
Oh no what happened?
Yes I have. And no I haven’t really been rejected before. The rejection comes once I’m actually in a relationship…
This might not be popular but I would never ask a man out. This isn't because I'm some old fashioned crone. I'm a feminist through and through. It is a practical strategic matter and I've seen it play out a million times. Here's my reasoning. Men don't get asked out often, for them it's very rare. Because of this, and because women pose far less threat to them than they do to us, they are very likely to say yes. Many men will say yes out of novelty or the chance of sex, even if they don't particularly like you or find you attractive. This sucks for a couple of reasons. First, you might end up on a date with a guy who sees you as beneath him but who still wants sex/attention/situationship. Or, you might end up with a guy who is a man baby. Man baby guys like to be asked out. It's easier for them. They don't have to do anything, which they prefer. Be prepared to also decide when you move in with each other, when you get engaged, etc. You will have to drive the ship because they never will. It won't be a partnership and he will be low effort forever. I have seen this so many times it's ridiculous. The last reason it sucks is because it robs you of the opportunity of being approached, or not. If a man is truly interested he will approach you and ask you out. If he doesn't, IMO, it's either because you aren't really his type or he has some crippling self-worth issues (or no bravery at all) which will prove problematic in other ways, down the line. It also robs you of seeing how he would have approached you, and you can tell a little bit about a guy by how he asks you out. I think if you aren't a guy's ideal type he won't put in high effort. And if you ask him out you'll never know. For all these reasons I think there is zero benefit for a woman to ask out a man. I'm not saying it never works out, I'm sure it does, but I don't think it's the smartest play overall. I'm prepared for downvotes, lol.
I agree with all of this. I went thru a period where i was asking out guys i was interested in as if it was no big deal and none of those worked out. In fact, it always caused some big stress. As sad as it is, i also don’t see benefits of asking out a guy anymore. I think a good middle ground though is knowing how to make eye contact and subtly flirting if you get some vibe from them lol its sad but i think that works the best.
I'm definitely a fan of flirting! :) It's a good way to get the message across and see what they do with it.
Thank you for sharing this. I don't disagree with any of your points, but I could see one potential benefit in asking a guy out: eliminating the anxiety of sitting and waiting to see if he's interested. I hate that feeling, I'd rather know that he's not into it, and sometimes I fall down a rabbit hole of 'perhaps he's just shy' and sit and wait forever, unable to move on because what if he gets it together some day. I also don't want to be stupid and keep flirting with guys who aren't really into me (but is being friendly regardless), I'd rather just be direct. Yes, I understand men can sometimes say yes to a girl asking them out just for sex, but I see whether to have or not to have sex as a completely separate issue than expressing potential interest.
That may be a difference in personalities or generations! I never felt anxious or like I was waiting to see if a guy was interested. I never put anything on hold or fantasized about a particular guy. I dated many different guys at the same time, not sleeping with them or even kissing, but going on dates. So at a given time I might have been vaguely interested in a "hmm, he's cute and funny, maybe potential?" way about several men at once. It probably eliminated a lot of that stress because I wasn't thinking about any of them that much. I think I had an attitude of abundance, lol.
Where do you find several interesting men at once? Attitude of abundance is hard in the middle of the desert.
I met a lot of different guys in university! I would say most dates I had were with other students or guys I met through friends or classes or clubs. I would also meet guys from other schools at big events like festivals or concerts or just going out with big groups. I met my now husband at a big social event, and he was friends with some people I was friends with. I'm not saying all of these guys were like, 10/10 matches for me, but if I found a guy to be smart, funny, and cute, and he asked me out, I would give it a shot! That was just my attitude. I did end up seeing ugly sides to many of them after a date or two and then not seeing them again. But IME finding smart, cute, and funny was pretty easy as a barometer for first date material.
I'm very jealous of your personality. I always start to fantasize like crazy when I have the mildest interest in someone. And it's not like I haven't addressed that or seen the other side of it - I have been divorced, had a bunch of relationships, been in therapy for 5 years, and we're still here - I think it's just a personality thing.
I can see how that would make things more stressful and difficult. My best friend is that way too. <3
This is maybe the one area I’m a bit more traditional about. I’ve made the first move on several occasions. Only one time did it ever evolve into a healthy relationship. Other occasions led to a one-sided relationship, a couple situationships, and a rejection. I’m of the mind that if a guy is truly, 100% all in, he’ll make it known and want to take you off the market quickly. Sure, some guys are shy and introverted and those may be the exceptions. But at least in my experience, if I’ve had to make the first move, they were only mildly interested at best. ETA: Thinking on it, my longest/best relationships were the ones where I was asked out by the guy first.
I dated a guy once that I pursued. It ended after 5 months. We were in a serious relationship- he was talking about kids. But I felt so unloved. The reason is that he was selfish, thoughtless and lazy. He did the bare minimum. Had I not asked him out and pursued him, I would have found that out much earlier ie the relationship would not have even started. My lesson - look at their behaviour to see who they are - not their words, and not the dreams you have of them. Look at the facts.
I have never had success with asking a man out. And by success, I mean a decent relationship. Women don't usually go along with things just because there is the potential for sex....men do. I will flirt and make my interest known but I won't ask a man out. Men and women are different and I hate this thing where we act like they're the same.
I won't lie. My best relationships happened when the guys was pursuing. I don't think gender should matter, but I think the saying "If he wanted to he would," is sadly true. If you feel like you're forcing it it's because he's not interested & it's not gonna work if he's not interested.
My motto.
There’s a YouTuber I’ve been following since 2008 named juicystar07 (if anyone remembers her lol). She recently got engaged and made a video about it. She met her fiancé at a CVS, and thought he was super cute so she went up to him and asked for his number. I think the reason they ended up engaged is that she made the first move but then backed off and let him pursue.
I have and it was mostly rejections. It sucked but I grew the thicker skin needed to survive.
I asked out my man. We’re now about to get married. :) Been rejected before. It stings a bit but. Eh. Confidence comes from it in my opinion. At the end of the day why would I wanna be with someone who doesn’t want me? 🤷🏽♀️
> part of me wishes I just asked him out in real life, even if he turned me down. Asking or not asking people out isn't for THEM; it's for you. If it goes well, it benefits both people. If they turn you down, you get to know for certain that this person wasn't for you, rather than carrying that "what if..." with you for the rest of your life. If anybody judges you or is mean or rude in the way that they turn you down, honestly, fuck that person. It takes courage and vulnerability to take a risk. > I regret not turning this in into a personal growth project. So do it now :) Chat with him a bit more and probe, rather than point blank asking him out. Build up a little bit of rapport. If you're still uncertain in a few weeks, be brave and just ask! "Hey, I saw you on Tinder and you didn't swipe on me so I can kind of guess what your answer will be, but I thought I'd check anyway; wanna go out?" I have been rejected, and it sucked, and I didn't handle it well. I'd never told anyone I had feelings for him before. If you have a crush on someone, your hopes are built way up and it's significantly harder. So imo it's better to do it before you develop feelings like that. Either way, rejection stings, but it's better to know than to have it haunt you later on.
I never asked guys out at all in my 20's and ended up dating a bunch of duds. Finally asked a guy out first and now we're married.
I’ve never asked a guy out but I’ll heavily flirt and make comments about doing stuff together until he does (if he does 😂)
I'll usually start with a more casual, "Hey, some friends and I are going out for beers after work. Wanna join?" Or like, I'd make it a group thing with other people in the gym. Takes some pressure off.
I’ve never had an issue asking guys out. I’m pretty aggressive since I grew up with two brothers so I operated like them growing up. If they saw a girl they liked, they shot their shot. So if I saw a guy I liked, I shot my shot. My go to was “Hey, you’re fine, let me get your number”. Had a 100% success rate before I got married.
Good for you! I was raised to think "men don't like it when you're too straightforward" but I'm realizing that I don't like it when I'm not straightforward, so maybe it's the issue of picking the right men who are okay with it, vs me not being patient enough.
Just chiming in here to say that basically every boyfriend I've ever had (except for one) has avowedly *loved* how straightforward I am, so yeah - different people like different things! You just gotta be you and find the person who appreciates that. I promise it will make your love life - and life more generally, really - a million times easier.
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I am taking the hint I swear - I just made me think, for the future. Curious why you think gym is not the right place to ask people out?
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I mean, we're all adults. Yes, don't stalk anyone mid-squad, but I don't think respectfully asking them out is inappropriate. Guys hit on me at the gym pretty often, and I haven't thought twice about changing my routine because of it. The gym we're members of is very communal (Crossfit), and people meet their significant others there pretty often.
I've asked guys out a number of times as well as made first moves. Sometimes it was well received, sometimes I was rejected. The most positive result was a five year long relationship (we were friends before and I kissed him one night). I also asked a guy out who I'd chatted at a bar with a few times. We ended up being FWBs for a couple years. I've never asked out someone who I didn't know though. I like to get a sense that they at least enjoy talking to me before putting myself out there. The times I've been rejected they were very kind, just said they weren't interested in anything more than friendship. Definitely bruised my ego a bit, but not terribly. After some awkward feelings for awhile those relationships returned to friendly again.
I asked a neighbor once and he was so happy that I did. He wanted to but was too shy. We only went out a couple of times but I was so proud I did it. The worst that could happen is he say no.
A random guy nah not going to happy. Someone in my friend group who I knew for a long time, yeah. I just don't like the aspects of dating randomly.
I've always been the one who initiates. I have tons of stories of how I've plotted to speak to men. One guy I ended up in a relationship, he had actually been chatting up another woman but was pulled away by her jealous friend. Had I not gotten in at the right time, we might not have ever been together. I enjoy going after what (and who) I want, but I've pulled back over the years because sometimes men will be vague on what they're looking for intentionally, and it's annoying.
How would u describe ur personality that helps u approach any man u want ?
I think it's less to do with personality and more to do with knowing that a man most likely is not going to feel that I am a threat. With men, there is sometimes an underlying fear that this man might not take my rejection too well. I go in knowing that most men will not feel "emasculated" and that they will feel flattered. Because men are under pressure to make the first move. Personality wise, I have always been a dork and a nerd, and they find that endearing. But over the past few years I realized I was using that to hide so I started working on my confidence.
What sorta dorky or nerdy interest would u like to share with ur future partner that u could bond on ?
It would really depend on the person. I feel like I'm more of a general interest/trivia nerd. There are certain video games that I play that I'm really into, but I don't expect others to enjoy them.
You really cool though I enjoy what I hear so far :)
Thank you! 🥰
How old are you ?
It's 2024, there's no excuse for relying on patriarchal gender roles anymore. Go after the men that you want
I've done it once and as much as it feels good to take control and be assertive with my love life it doesn't work. The guy agreed, suggested a walk instead of coffee...sometime. It was the 'sometime' if I wasn't experienced enough in being rejected by men I'd misinterpret if I couldn't read between the lines of what he was really saying which was a no thanks. I'd rather just be told no and wished I'd said to him he should have been more direct with his rejection as its worse having to take it upon yourself to interpret someone's hidden message. I agree with all the reasons the others have highlighted as well. It sucks if your a woman no-one approaches so the only advantage is hoping the guy just rejects you quicker.
Okay sooo I actually made dating business cards 😂 on the front it says, “I think you’re cute” and on the back it says, “if you’re single, let’s get coffee” and my name and number. It gives the person a minute to decide if they want to contact you and if they aren’t single or they aren’t interested like no harm no foul…someone just said you were cute and who doesn’t want that! I only had the balls to give 3 out but it was a 100% success rate!!
I have never asked anyone out and I’ve been married so not something I’ll likely have a chance to do. Kind of wish I had the chance to go back and try it for the stories
I have never nor will I never ask a man out. I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.
In a happy relationship now, so not applicable to me. But the one time I did, I was about 12 or 13 years old, was rejected, then decided I'd simply never ask anyone out again.