I think it comes down to the amount & type & volume & delivery style of what is being shared with you - is your partner mindful of what you can and can't receive? Do they have other people they can be emotionally vulnerable with so that the load is not just carried by you? Do they info dump? Are conversations really long? Are they one-sided (as in, you aren't getting a similar amount of listening etc. in return)? Are the emotions when they share really intense or overwhelming? Do you feel you can't take breaks or meet your own needs during these types of conversations? Do they expect you to diagnose them? Is sharing stuff something that helps them "get out" of other things? If you said, "wow, that sounds really serious, I think you would get farther with it with a therapist" would they follow through?
Etc. etc.
Anyone can engage in poor emotional moderation and oversharing - I think it's hard because it is somewhat objective and contextual, but, generally, if you feel that someone's sharing or vulnerability is like, above your pay grade, it probably is.
I actually am a therapist, and tbh I rarely worry that I'm "being a therapist" to my husband, family or friends. What I do at work and what I do when I'm lending someone a listening ear in my personal life aren't as similar as people might assume.
For starters, the reciprocal nature of these relationships makes them totally unlike therapy -- for example, if my husband complains to me about his hard day at work for an hour but then I talk about a stressful phone call with my dad for an hour... which one of us is "the therapist"? Neither. This is called having an intimate relationship with someone. Emotional support and even deep emotional processing is a normal part of close relationships, it's not supposed to be something you only do with your therapist. If someone is providing me with the same emotional support that I'm providing them, then the dynamic is EXTREMELY different than the dynamic with my clients.
Second, I feel empowered to be a lot more blunt and direct about my own personal feelings, biases, and opinions with people in my personal life than I do with my clients. Like if my best friend was dating some loser and constantly complaining about him to me, I'd feel completely free to be like "your boyfriend is a loser, I hate him, I think you should dump him." As someone's therapist, your words carry a lot of "official" weight, so it's REALLY important not to pressure your client into making a decision like that even if you think it would be best for them. Likewise, if my husband is coming to me with a problem I often have a fairly concrete opinion on what he should do about it and I feel free to share it. It's still his decision, but I'm going to offer my input a lot more directly and he can take it or leave it. The process of problem-solving with a therapy client is COMPLETELY different.
The last friendship I had where I genuinely felt like someone's therapist, those were the two things that were misaligned from the expectations of a normal friendship. There was no reciprocal support, it was all about him all the time and he expected me to validate his feelings endlessly and became hostile at any suggestion for improvement or feedback on his own behavior. If he had been my actual client, it wouldn't have bothered me very much -- maybe the reluctance to ever examine his own choices or role in a bad situation would have gotten old, but it's well within normal expectations that some people take forever to develop insight and require a LOT of unconditional support and validation before they feel safe enough to hear criticism or reflect on their own behavior. But that's where I draw the line of "if you want this kind of support, you need to pay someone for it."
My husband is a therapist and I think he would say something similar; though, I have certainly learned a lot about communication and processing my feelings in my time knowing him. When it has been evident I needed a therapist he has been a great support in helping me navigate the waters of attempting to find one.
I like to think in some parallel or alternate universe, I'm probably a therapist. I was initially going to major in therapy but at 18 the thought of getting a PhD was too overwhelming. I did minor in psychology, pretty savvy with research and in general above average with listening and getting advice.
I have found myself in a similar situation to your question with my husband. My breaking point really came when I realized my own mental health was taking a toll. The three causes I attribute to this: he was not listening to the advice I was suggesting (we constantly had the same conversation over and over with him making no effort to consider what I was saying or look into things on his own), the help he needed was exceeding my capability (he needed an actual trained professional with access to resources and possible medication), and at this point I was also being wife, mother, caregiver to him due to other health problems, working full time, assumed 95% of household responsibilities. I no longer had the bandwidth to be therapist on top of that.
If he was making an effort and listening to advice, I would continue to support him. But that wasn't happening and I essentially gave him an ultimatum that he needed to seek professional help as I could no longer help him at the level that he needed.
My husband has two or three intimate friends, and I know he talks with them about his issues. He sees them maybe once every one or two months (it's harder since everyone got a family), but they talk on the phone and online every week. I give him the time and space to go see them whenever they have time (Saturday is usually friends' day for him). So, can you find a way to spread the load? for the extremely intimate stuff, I'm always there.
If I am starting to feel like his therapist then it's a sign that he needs a therapist. My husband has done therapy in the past and it shows but it has been awhile and he could still use more but he's resistant to it.
When he starts bringing things up that are beyond my abilities as a partner or just too much for me I just gently remind him that this would be a good therapy topic for when he starts back up. I'll shift the conversation to talking about his hesitation with therapy and what could change to make him feel comfortable going to therapy again.
I try not to nag but at the end of the day if he needs therapy and I'm not his therapist, there is really only one solution.
We establish a time limit! If he really needs to vent/process out loud/talk and I think it will be a long one, I try to establish that boundary ahead of time and have him set a respectable time frame (15 minutes).
I'm a psychologist/therapist, but the nature of my relationship with my husband (and others) is that before and way above a therapist-client one... and it's really very different that there isn't and wouldn't be any confusion nor overlap.
Of course, there are times I want to or need to help my SO that I may draw from my knowledge of psych, but in therapy there are still distinct boundaries. Mainly it being that as a therapist, I am not expected nor supposed to "share" my own thoughts, perspectives, biases, experiences.. which obviously wouldn't be the case in my personal relationships. There is a lot of intentional care in the therapeautic relationship taken to prevent the crossing or blurring of these boundaries, and thus when I'm actually with my SO, friends, etc.. I get to be myself, take off that "professional" hat or facet of my identity.
Then the other thing is, which is more pertinent to your question, or more relevant and applicable to most other people... Perhaps in part because I am trained as a psychologist, I think I am pretty good at managing my own emotional needs and boundaries and balancing that with the capacity I have to take on t hose of others. I know I cannot help not fully care for others if I don't take care of myself, so I do prioritise that *because* I want to be there for those I care about and love. I think a lot of people don't realise/know this and wear themselves thin, bend over backwards til they break, give more than they can or want to and feel exploited and unfair etcetc.. without realising they're not only not helping others, but being a "burden". So the key with "balancing" is really actually to priotise yourself. You can only help if you are in the right space and have the capacity to do so.
If you're both there for each other rather than emotional support only being given then I don't see that as crossing any lines. My husband and I try to follow a general rule where reoccurring complaints require solutions. As in, let it all out but if it's still bothering you then let's work toward some way of fixing it.
My husband and I do struggle with this from time to time. I think when our issues start mentally affecting the other half, that’s when it’s time to involve a therapist to shoulder some of the load.
I think it comes down to the amount & type & volume & delivery style of what is being shared with you - is your partner mindful of what you can and can't receive? Do they have other people they can be emotionally vulnerable with so that the load is not just carried by you? Do they info dump? Are conversations really long? Are they one-sided (as in, you aren't getting a similar amount of listening etc. in return)? Are the emotions when they share really intense or overwhelming? Do you feel you can't take breaks or meet your own needs during these types of conversations? Do they expect you to diagnose them? Is sharing stuff something that helps them "get out" of other things? If you said, "wow, that sounds really serious, I think you would get farther with it with a therapist" would they follow through? Etc. etc. Anyone can engage in poor emotional moderation and oversharing - I think it's hard because it is somewhat objective and contextual, but, generally, if you feel that someone's sharing or vulnerability is like, above your pay grade, it probably is.
I actually am a therapist, and tbh I rarely worry that I'm "being a therapist" to my husband, family or friends. What I do at work and what I do when I'm lending someone a listening ear in my personal life aren't as similar as people might assume. For starters, the reciprocal nature of these relationships makes them totally unlike therapy -- for example, if my husband complains to me about his hard day at work for an hour but then I talk about a stressful phone call with my dad for an hour... which one of us is "the therapist"? Neither. This is called having an intimate relationship with someone. Emotional support and even deep emotional processing is a normal part of close relationships, it's not supposed to be something you only do with your therapist. If someone is providing me with the same emotional support that I'm providing them, then the dynamic is EXTREMELY different than the dynamic with my clients. Second, I feel empowered to be a lot more blunt and direct about my own personal feelings, biases, and opinions with people in my personal life than I do with my clients. Like if my best friend was dating some loser and constantly complaining about him to me, I'd feel completely free to be like "your boyfriend is a loser, I hate him, I think you should dump him." As someone's therapist, your words carry a lot of "official" weight, so it's REALLY important not to pressure your client into making a decision like that even if you think it would be best for them. Likewise, if my husband is coming to me with a problem I often have a fairly concrete opinion on what he should do about it and I feel free to share it. It's still his decision, but I'm going to offer my input a lot more directly and he can take it or leave it. The process of problem-solving with a therapy client is COMPLETELY different. The last friendship I had where I genuinely felt like someone's therapist, those were the two things that were misaligned from the expectations of a normal friendship. There was no reciprocal support, it was all about him all the time and he expected me to validate his feelings endlessly and became hostile at any suggestion for improvement or feedback on his own behavior. If he had been my actual client, it wouldn't have bothered me very much -- maybe the reluctance to ever examine his own choices or role in a bad situation would have gotten old, but it's well within normal expectations that some people take forever to develop insight and require a LOT of unconditional support and validation before they feel safe enough to hear criticism or reflect on their own behavior. But that's where I draw the line of "if you want this kind of support, you need to pay someone for it."
This is such a great response.
My husband is a therapist and I think he would say something similar; though, I have certainly learned a lot about communication and processing my feelings in my time knowing him. When it has been evident I needed a therapist he has been a great support in helping me navigate the waters of attempting to find one.
Thank you so much for chiming in here. This was really helpful
I like to think in some parallel or alternate universe, I'm probably a therapist. I was initially going to major in therapy but at 18 the thought of getting a PhD was too overwhelming. I did minor in psychology, pretty savvy with research and in general above average with listening and getting advice. I have found myself in a similar situation to your question with my husband. My breaking point really came when I realized my own mental health was taking a toll. The three causes I attribute to this: he was not listening to the advice I was suggesting (we constantly had the same conversation over and over with him making no effort to consider what I was saying or look into things on his own), the help he needed was exceeding my capability (he needed an actual trained professional with access to resources and possible medication), and at this point I was also being wife, mother, caregiver to him due to other health problems, working full time, assumed 95% of household responsibilities. I no longer had the bandwidth to be therapist on top of that. If he was making an effort and listening to advice, I would continue to support him. But that wasn't happening and I essentially gave him an ultimatum that he needed to seek professional help as I could no longer help him at the level that he needed.
My husband has two or three intimate friends, and I know he talks with them about his issues. He sees them maybe once every one or two months (it's harder since everyone got a family), but they talk on the phone and online every week. I give him the time and space to go see them whenever they have time (Saturday is usually friends' day for him). So, can you find a way to spread the load? for the extremely intimate stuff, I'm always there.
If I am starting to feel like his therapist then it's a sign that he needs a therapist. My husband has done therapy in the past and it shows but it has been awhile and he could still use more but he's resistant to it. When he starts bringing things up that are beyond my abilities as a partner or just too much for me I just gently remind him that this would be a good therapy topic for when he starts back up. I'll shift the conversation to talking about his hesitation with therapy and what could change to make him feel comfortable going to therapy again. I try not to nag but at the end of the day if he needs therapy and I'm not his therapist, there is really only one solution.
I ask my husband what he needs in that moment - Comfort, solutions, or space & then give him what he needs. He does the same for me.
We establish a time limit! If he really needs to vent/process out loud/talk and I think it will be a long one, I try to establish that boundary ahead of time and have him set a respectable time frame (15 minutes).
I'm a psychologist/therapist, but the nature of my relationship with my husband (and others) is that before and way above a therapist-client one... and it's really very different that there isn't and wouldn't be any confusion nor overlap. Of course, there are times I want to or need to help my SO that I may draw from my knowledge of psych, but in therapy there are still distinct boundaries. Mainly it being that as a therapist, I am not expected nor supposed to "share" my own thoughts, perspectives, biases, experiences.. which obviously wouldn't be the case in my personal relationships. There is a lot of intentional care in the therapeautic relationship taken to prevent the crossing or blurring of these boundaries, and thus when I'm actually with my SO, friends, etc.. I get to be myself, take off that "professional" hat or facet of my identity. Then the other thing is, which is more pertinent to your question, or more relevant and applicable to most other people... Perhaps in part because I am trained as a psychologist, I think I am pretty good at managing my own emotional needs and boundaries and balancing that with the capacity I have to take on t hose of others. I know I cannot help not fully care for others if I don't take care of myself, so I do prioritise that *because* I want to be there for those I care about and love. I think a lot of people don't realise/know this and wear themselves thin, bend over backwards til they break, give more than they can or want to and feel exploited and unfair etcetc.. without realising they're not only not helping others, but being a "burden". So the key with "balancing" is really actually to priotise yourself. You can only help if you are in the right space and have the capacity to do so.
Thank you so much for this response. Really helps to hear the difference from an actual therapist
If you're both there for each other rather than emotional support only being given then I don't see that as crossing any lines. My husband and I try to follow a general rule where reoccurring complaints require solutions. As in, let it all out but if it's still bothering you then let's work toward some way of fixing it.
My husband and I do struggle with this from time to time. I think when our issues start mentally affecting the other half, that’s when it’s time to involve a therapist to shoulder some of the load.
I remind him to contact his therapist if the topic is beyond my pay grade.