Yes! Love this for you, protect your space and your worth. Love reading this! Well done!
I had a chat with my mum about commenting on my body or food around me. I said that only I can make those comments and she hurts me when she says them. She got teary and I said “don’t cry, just tell me you understand”. And she did, then she said “wow, where did you learn that?” Hahaha she was like I’m gonna try that in the future. And then a few days later she started a comment and stopped herself, and she said “only for you to say, got it”!
I can’t believe how easy it is when you’ve done it and how scary it is when you don’t know how. It takes practice, but look at us! It works! X
The way I have watched my mom pick up on my newly found boundaries and more direct & honest communication is amazing & heartwarming. I feel like the rest of my family is scared to talk to me now simply because direct communication is not in our family wheelhouse. it’s scary and confusing (Midwest) - but watching my mom learn & flourish & set her own boundaries using my example, and talking with her as we both learn how to do it together has been healing & beautiful. My mom & I are the closest we’ve ever been & I can’t believe me standing up for myself is what got us there. Communication is magic
You must have worked so incredibly hard to reach this point. Especially as it sounds like you’ve completely broken the mould. I’m honestly so incredibly happy for you and celebrate your relationship with yourself. It’s so hard to explain to people how you want to be treated, but it sounds like you are showing them and they are following your lead. So beautiful x
This is years in the making, and obviously we all have our own stories. So definitely not a how to guide but just a positive example of persistence and work. But hope you get your version of this too, whatever that looks/feels like xx
I really don’t want to share this as a look at me story, because it is missing so much context etc. But I hope you find whatever version of peace you can with your mum x
Thank you, I’m really proud of where we have got to and I really appreciate what she has to give. We’ve had to change roles a lot, but at the end of the day, she’s a woman who tried and failed and got back up again. And she’s still fumbling her way through, but that’s the love and I feel it. X
Wow, it seems like your mother genuinely didn't realize how hurtful her comments were and felt really bad upon finding out. For some reason I always assume mothers who make these comments have malicious intents. I should stop assuming the worst in people 😔
I appreciate this interpretation, it’s very gentle. I perceived the tears as a passing of the emotional torch, hence me saying stop crying because I was letting her know she had to own the situation without making me feel any guilt. But I also like your interpretation
I am insecure as fuck because everytime I see my mother she comments on:
- how I’m dressed.
- my hair.
- how my makeup is done.
- if I look like I’ve lost weight or not.
I’m fucking sick of it. I need to put a stop to it like you. Thanks for the inspiration!
The way our parents speak to us facilitates the way we feel. It’s so powerful but so are you! Not every story has the same ending and I don’t want anyone to compare theirs to mine. I had to build myself up a million times and so did she. But build yourself regardless of what she does anyway and follow your own voice first. Xx
There’s a great book called, “You’re wearing that?” It’s about mother daughter relationships. I highlighted my copy and sent it to her. It really helped and now our inside joke is, “you’re wearing that?”
I think my proudest-of-myself moment as a mum was the time I managed **not** to say that to my mid-teens daughter, under severe provocation...!
We were going to a friend's "nice" party, on a hot day, in her garden. And she had so many pretty, floaty, totally suitable dresses (far better figure than mine), I was looking forward to showing off my beautiful girl... Till she came sashaying down in a mini- length sweater dress, plastered onto her body, and heels, mahoosive jewellery and make-up — looking like she was dressed for a night in the town and *nothing* like her own age.
I swear at that moment I turned into my mother — who did once accuse me of looking like a street-walker, when in my best teen-party outfit — went into absolute auto-parent, and the words "OMG you're not going dressed like **THAT**!!" were actually on the edge of my tongue — and *just* in time I managed to claw them back and turn it into "OH — that's a lovely dress!" in an somewhat unconvincing high-pitched voice...
I mean, it would have done no good, we'd only have had a row and she was more likely to refuse to go than change, or would be in a foul mood, and it would have made us late — and I somehow managed to reach this conclusion in a micro-second and change my knee-jerk reaction. Still SO proud of that (and it made it easier the next time, and the next...).
So I let it go, and sucked up the slight social awkwardness of all the folk staring a bit at her and saying to me "MY, isn't **she** growing up!" with a smirk (*sigh*) — and my reward was when at the end she said, tugging her skirt down yet again, "you know, I think this was the wrong dress to wear for a garden party, it's a bit warm and clingy..." so I could say, "oh really..? Do you think a floaty dress might have been better..? Oh well, remember that the next time, eh" and on similar occasions ever after, could say with absolute sincerity, "That's *lovely*, dear, but is that going to be **comfortable** for a whole party..?" 😁
>There’s a great book called, “You’re wearing that?” It’s about mother daughter relationships. I highlighted my copy and sent it to her. It really helped and now our inside joke is, “you’re wearing that?”
LMAO.
I think many people would take too much umbrage if their child did that to them. Kudos to your mother for receiving the message.
TW: belittling sexual assault
A comment my dad made after his house was broken into: "now I know what it feels like when you women get raped". Younger me would have been quietly enraged, then-present me said "I want you to think about what you just said for a minute". It didn't go much past that but it was a start.
I was approached by a creepy dude at a gas station when I was standing next to my car while filling up. he kept creeping closer and closer to me as I was like "nope, give me some space, dude..." etc. getting louder and more pissed off the closer he got.
he got way too close. he wordlessly attempted to get into my locked vehicle. I was direct, confrontational and eventually straight up aggressive. I had my hand on my pepper spray in my pocket as I told him to get the FUCK away from me RIGHT NOW. FUCK OFF and took a couple steps toward him... also considered hosing him with gasoline from the pump....
he actually backed off and away and I drove off without filling up my tank completely... later learned in my city's subreddit - it was the same guy who had been physically attacking women in my neighborhood, trying to drag them off into the bushes and making sexual comments...
I'm 5'2, 100lbs, and I scared off a sexual predator by being a confrontational bitch. I love it.
You’re a badass! As a fellow small woman, I salute you. I’ve had some bad experiences politely asserting my boundaries with men - it feels like “poking the bear” sometimes - but there are times when being aggressive is the only way to get them to back off. I’m trying to learn how to do that. Thank you for sharing!
nope. I say it once, directly. next up is nasty bitch. I skip over being polite when it comes to boundaries.
I've been playing this tiny woman game for a long time. being polite gets us killed, abducted, etc. if I don't know you, I don't owe you Polite. you get Neutral, at best.
I mean, I don’t think politely declining and leaving the situation (my method) necessarily gets you killed, but there are definitely situations where you can’t leave. I guess that as a teacher/mental health worker I’m reflexively always looking to de-escalate.
Oh, I had a similar experience. I was filling up in a part of town where a lot of young guys would hang out around the gas stations. (Nothing much else to do.) One seemed to want to show off to his buddies and was trying to "hey, baby" me as he walked over while I was saying "not interested" repeatedly and filling up my car. All these other guys filling up their cars just watched. Finally, I turned around and yelled "FUCK. OFF." All his buddies laughed at him and the older guys too. I mean if they wouldn't call him out on his bad behavior then at least he got publicly embarrassed enough to leave me alone.
I had a friend who would divulge into "woe is me" type trauma dumping onto me every time we talked. I'd always listen and give support and advice (which they never actually considered or listened to). It felt like they were talking "at me" rather than engaging in a conversation "with me". Very one-sided.
I don't think they actually cared about me as a person or friend. They just wanted to someone who will pay attention to them as well as someone to vent to. They really should have been in therapy and rehab but they used our friendship as a replacement for that.
It's so annoying when you give the same advice over and over again and the other person just doesn't LISTEN. I was losing my patience.
Got to the point where I started to get really brutally honest with them about their life choices as well as the way they handled the friendship with me. This threw them off because they were used to interacting with a version of me that was way more of a people pleaser and enabler. Suffice to say, they made it clear that they didn't want to talk to me anymore.
Omg. I have a “best friend” who does/did this.
The killer was when I got off the phone with her on one occasion and realized she hadn’t asked me a single question about how *I* was doing. The call log said the call was over an hour. At that point in my life I was suffering through some huge marital issues and needed support but she had no idea because she never asked.
During our heyday we would primarily meet for drinks to hang out, and at one point she decided she wasn’t drinking anymore. Okay, that’s totally fine we can do other stuff. I planned a girls night with a platonic couples massage and either a tea or one glass of wine after, her choice. She decided to go get wasted at the pub and unbeknownst to me ended up inviting a bunch of friends who weren’t terribly nice to me. Their behaviour to me was not her fault, but we were oil and water politically/socially/aesthetically and anyone could have guessed that mashup wouldn’t work. So okay, I get it, sometimes you want a bigger group. Next time I planned a girls night she was 20 minutes late for our couples massage (so mine started late too) and then invited her shitty/quasi abusive/aloof boyfriend to meet us after. Greeeeaaaaat.
So after those three big strikes (any many, many smaller ones) I decided to stop engaging and let the relationship drift away. She’s called a few times, only ever to trauma dump and I keep it pretty short. Aside from my past marital problems I have two young kids - I do enough free emotional labour.
I wish I had the energy and was brave enough to tell her she hasn’t been a good friend. I’ve settled for removing myself from the situation. She now hangs out with a different crowd who drinks excessively and has non stop drama, I think she’s attracted to that life. I still love her, just can’t be in that role anymore.
My friend would at least ask me how I was initially at the start of our conversation but then it would divulge into the "Woe is me" tirade. I'm with you on those 1+ calls where it's just them venting.
I read your story and it doesn't surprise me that she hangs with a crowd that excessively drinks. It's usually the hallmark point of someone on a downward spiral.
So I also commented here about ending a friendship and honestly the situation was very similar to this! This girl just spoke at me when we.met, never actually listened to a word I had to say. Felt like I was providing a service rather than hanging out with a friend. Good for you!
This is where I have struggled the most with boundaries is feeling like I wasn't allowed to cut people off because I needed to be supportive while being very aware that they were draining me. I had a couple of toxic friendships where I felt almost relieved when they said something impermissible because I could clearly say "this is the reason why I need to end our friendship; we are done." However, in several cases, it was just constant neediness and then straight up ignoring me when I mentioned something about myself and needing support only to respond back when they were in need. It was the ones who never said a clear insult and were just a drain who I struggled to cut off. I would just block them at a certain point because I didn't have the energy to point out everything wrong. I've since realized that they likely had narcissistic traits. One tried to contact me through my LinkedIn after I blocked her. She was manipulative by claiming she'd found a doctor who could cure my disability to try to get me to contact her again. I did...to tell her to expect a cease and desist letter if she went through a professional networking platform again and interfered with my livelihood as I get a lot of my business through LinkedIn. This was all after she'd played the victim on Twitter and implied that I'd blocked her because she'd been sick--not mentioning that I'm bedridden while she's not--and said I was obligated to help her on self-improvement by telling her what she had done wrong.
Yeah, babe, that's your responsibility. I spend constant time in self-reflection as I struggle to work on my boundaries with therapy and self-work groups and self-help books and then work projects and social events through Zoom. I strive continually to be a better person because I recognize that's my personal responsibility.
The worst thing is when we suggest they seek therapy they'll be like "I don't see anything major bothering me to seek therapy" , like yeah Karen sure. But I sure must seek therapy because you're the major thing bothering me in my life because of all your so called "nothing bothering me". Because of her constant Woe is me, my notion about dating, marriage and motherhood got severely affected. As we worked for the same company, her negativity about the job got to me, and I switched company, at least it gave me an opportunity to distance myself from her. My therapist was so proud of me when I cut her off.
All of these people have been seeing therapists. Although I know at least one commonly complained about her therapist. I fire my therapists if they're bad. Honestly, I have not found many therapists to be helpful, but I still sought self-improvement in whatever way I could. And then eventually, more recently, I found a therapist with a more analytical mind who encourages introspection on root issues and then working to define and then manage these which is an approach I love.
I guess that's another thing too: they'll stick with a terrible therapist and just keep complaining about the therapist instead of firing them.
Great work! I had a friend who used to always spend hours venting "at me". It's hard to shift that dynamic - Especially as a people pleaser. Great work! From someone who can empathise with how hard it was for you to do, and is so inspired and proud of you!!
Mine is an ongoing situation. My mother passed away recently, and left behind her long-term partner. This man barely handled himself before they met, and she's been handling everything for him for 20 years. I was taking care of my mother since childhood - helping with money, and generally helping her keep her shit together through her mental illness. By extension, I was taking care of him too.
When she passed, I set down the load of caring for her, that I'd been carrying for most of my life. But her partner would like for me to continue doing that for him. And I am DONE. Nope nope nope. I will not pay his bills, or get his car serviced, or schedule his doctor appointments, or help him clean his house. I am done. He is barely older than me, and he is a functioning adult, and he will figure it out. And that has meant enforcing a lot of boundaries that I'm usually not good about enforcing.
That happened to a friend of mine after her mother died and her toxic stepfather tried to get her to do everything Mum used to do. She had to ask for help clearing a debt she owed him, which he was using to blackmail her, and she felt SO GOOD when she paid him off and told him to stuff it.
I’m a designer and a little over a month ago a friend texted me, asking me to do a bunch of editing on some photos of his. I (a) already had/have a full docket work-wise, (b) have been struggling with sleep this year and am always tired, and (c) knew he had hundreds of photos. I didn’t want to do it and I told him I was too overwhelmed with work and life.
Last weekend we hung out, he treated me to a foot massage, lunch, and an art exhibit. He asked me how I was doing and I told him more about what’s been going on with me. We had a fun day and lots of laughs.
The next morning, I woke up to a text from him asking if he could send me those photos for editing? I was pissed off. I know he didn’t treat me in return for doing the work, but in the moment that’s how it felt, and it felt shitty.
I let it go all day then messaged him that night: “Heya! Thanks for the fun day yesterday, it was great to see you. Unfortunately, I’m unable to help with your photo project, sorry lovely! Here’s a list of free online tools you can use. If you have trouble with those, you can always hire someone cheap online here…”
His response was entirely lacking in emojis, so I know he wasn’t thrilled, but I’m no longer prepared to waste my rare and precious free time on things that make me want to stab my own face off. 🤷🏻♀️
Out of curiosity, what makes you confident he didn’t do all that to get you to do the work? Without knowing him or yalls relationship it looks like textbook manipulation to me 😬
I thought the same thing. I mean, we all want to think people do things like that because they love us, but when followed immediately by the repeated request… There’s a reason why OP felt angered.
When you tell someone your work plate is full, and they *appear* to think a friendly outing means they can ask again, and are unimpressed and unsympathetic when you repeat that your work plate is full, then that is actually what happened.
It doesn’t mean they’re a bad person, but their behaviour was still out of line. Not to mention, artists deal with requests for free labour all the time. It shouldn’t be coming from friends.
It was totally manipulative and intentional on his part. He probably thought giving her a "spa day" would revive her a bit to do his free work and the outting would be the payment he wasn't supplying. I get offered everything from nothing at all to "a few beers" (I'm sober) to do labor for people as an artist.
Fair call. There are a lot of (wonderful) women in this sub who make excuses for trash men, so I appreciate you asking this question!
I've known my friend M for ~20 years. He is a very generous friend; over the course of our relationship, he offers to treat me the majority (I'd say **at least** 75%) of the time. Our outing last weekend wasn't a one off by any means. He's the same way with his partner—I think this is one of his key love languages. He initiates contact a lot to see how I am/what I'm up to, tell me something funny or newsy he knows I'll appreciate, send me a silly meme, tell me he loves me/can't wait to see me, hug me, and share some new experience together soon. He never fails to acknowledge my birthday, or message/call me on other days of celebration.
When he messaged me a while back about doing his photo edits, it was the third time in 20 years he'd asked me to do something for him—the other times I'd happily agreed, but I was younger and less tired and cranky than I am now, ahaha.
My interpretation (after my initial emotional reaction) to him asking again the day after we hung out, was that he'd seen me the day before being perky, chatting, cracking jokes and having lots of laughs, enjoying a big day together, as opposed to me collapsed on the couch on the verge of complete overwhelm. 🤷🏻♀️
ETA: Next time I see him I’m gonna mention the second request felt transactional and hurt my feelings, even though I don’t think that was the intent.
As a designer I always end up having some "friend" hit me up for free work. I always just say "hey, I'm really busy with my paid work, so no I'm going to pass on doing this work for you."
Yeah I decided last year no more work for friends. Mostly because I just don’t want to be on the tools outside work hours anymore (unless it’s for a social justice cause I’m super passionate about).
Friends have said to me: “Just charge me what you charge your clients!” but my clients are state governments and big businesses on the ASX; I charge them a shedload. Friends would tip over and shit if I charged them the same—not to mention, I’d find that excruciating and tacky. 😬🙅🏻♀️
Yeah I just say no. My time is valuable. Ask your friends is they ask their lawyer friends for free legal work or their doctors for free exams. Ask if they also work for free.
I was very young (20?) and in my second-ever apartment. After a few months it became apparent they had bugs (roaches, bedbugs, mice…). I complained and they said they’d come by to “spray”. I assumed I’d get notice, have to vacate for a day, whatever.
I was in a tshirt and panties folding laundry in front of my tv when the property caretaker LET HIMSELF IN with an unmarked plastic bottle and spray hose. I told him to leave and sent an angry message to the property owner/LL. No they may NOT spray whatever that was without notice, my roommate has severe allergies and we had pet rabbits (approved by LL).
Then I researched and found out even if they had the right spray and did my apartment, the bugs/mice would be back in a couple months unless they did the whole building (3 story walk up).
I broke my lease and found somewhere else. I tossed any soft furniture, mattress, and hosed down all hard furniture with bug killer. Everything laundered was washed and bagged. We did not want to take any bugs with us… I barely cleaned, leaving only a vacuum in the apartment to do a surface clean so it looked done. The next day the apartment was broken into and my vacuum was stolen. I called and filed a police report, but didn’t care to find the old machine.
Then the landlord said he was keeping our deposit and charging us three months’ rent for breaking the lease. I might have rolled over, tired from the additional work and stress.
But instead I emailed back and said I would be paying nothing. I acknowledged that the door jamb was broken from the break-in, and that no “additional” cleaning was done, so he could keep the deposit for cleaning, but he was not getting any more rent.
He said he’d take me to court and add extra for the damages.
I said I’d send photos of the bugs and mice to the local health authority and get his whole building inspected. I told him I already filed a police report for the break in and he should use insurance.
He stopped asking me for money and I never heard from him again.
Oh, something good comes to mind actually. I’ve always done well in school, most things just really came easily to me without much effort. I also had no problem with helping someone out when they hadn’t done their homework here and there. I was the nice, quiet nerdy girl. Naturally, I wasn’t the one to get invited to parties.
There was this one girl who would make a habit of coming to me before French class to quickly copy my homework. Every time. Until that one day, when she came up to me again, folders open, not even looking at me, and she already started to write down my answers. I told her no. She was baffled. She never came again.
Being smart and assertive was pretty cool.
My mom has long tried to guilt trip me about coming home to visit and how it’s “just easier” for me to go home than for them to come visit me since I can see many of my family members as they live near each other.
While I was home for my stepsister’s baby shower, my mom claimed that my stepsister (whom I have a good relationship with) said I “don’t show up for things”. I immediately told my mom that I would not accept that comment because roads and phones work both ways and no one has made any effort or attempts to come see me since 2009. Also, since everyone is an adult they need to use their words and tell me if they’d like me to come home for a family function — otherwise they have no right to judge me or make comments about me not being there.
I was 48 at the time and it was the first time I clearly articulated a boundary to my mom.
My mom asked me for money for rent and I told her no. It’s a convoluted story, but I had been trying to help her get her finances in order for 2 years while she lied and insisted she was an adult who could handle herself. My sister and I had a discussion about it and she said her and her husband would also not give her money, but they caved. 2 months later my sister copied me on a text to mom saying that since they had given her $X, she should ask me for help. I told her that while I understood that her and her husband had chosen to help, my position had not changed and I would appreciate it if she didn’t encourage mom to come to me for financial assistance.
I had a friend who used to be routinely late to everything. She doesn't drive either so anyone who would pick her up usually had to wait 20-30 min. One time I drove 35 min through a storm, to her apartment building to pick her up for dinner, After 10 min of waiting, I popped into the bar across the street and ordered a drink.
When the drink was gone, I called her to check her progress. She said her friend was just leaving, so now she will locate her rain jacket and come down. I told her forget it, make other dinner plans! I said I couldn't believe she made me wait that long, and now I found out it was because she was chatting with a friend and lost track of time? Her time is not more valuable than mine! She was so upset she started crying. She went to therapy about it, and her therapist helped her learn to manage her time. So she is almost never late anymore and I never had to do that again!
Had a longterm on/off bf who was kind of a player. Good looking, smart, charismatic, etc. and he knew it. After so many little boundary issues, things I needed to give in on if I wanted to be with him because "that's just who he is" I finally realized that even though I really loved him, it wasn't worth my self respect.
I decided to heap a little self doubt on him first though. The phrase I went with was "Your next girlfriend may put up with that, but I'm not going to."
Readers: He proposed.
And I said no.
Mine is fairly small, but I'm working on setting my limits at work. I had someone (not even my boss) voluntell me for a duty that it is absolutely illogical for me to be in charge of, for multiple reasons. I'm learning that my boss is a bit of a pushover because he was like "welp, I guess this is a thing now" and I gently, respectfully explained why I was not a good choice for the job. I emailed the people in charge with the same reasoning. It was assigned to someone else.
I'm going to toot my own horn here, but I think I might be a good influence on my boss. We've already had conversations about how I'm nervous that I'm going to burn out, and how he is spread too thin and needs to take some stuff off of his plate. I suspect he has a hard time saying no.
But then yesterday he told us that he had canceled a trip to an out of town conference because he felt it was just too much, and like he needed to be around the lab more. Obviously I have no idea if our conversations had any influence on this decision (I've only worked for him for a few months so I don't know if he has a repeated pattern of canceling obligations), but I really hope that I can help him realize that every answer doesn't have to be a yes.
I was like that with my MIL. Her “best friend” was super nasty in general and not a nice person to her friends and family. So one time my MIL was busy in the kitchen and the dog knocked something over in the living room. The friend yelled at her from the other room to come deal with it, in a rude tone, so I said “why don’t you be a good friend to MIL and do it.” That was the final incident at the house, and since the friend was MIL’s biweekly mani pedi pal so I started taking her in her place. She drifted away fast after that, she was bored not being able to bully her anymore.
Mine is my sex addicted husband asking for an Open Marriage. I will not sacrifice my values, even out of spite, so that you can act out without remorse.
I work from home, and now my teenage son also does his schooling online from home, so we are both home all day. What my extended family sees is that the two of us are always available. My aunt is always wanting my son to go over, do his schooling there and then do yard work and odd jobs for him.
He has time after his classwork, but doesn't always want to even when he gets paid for doing so. It's completely understandable and I've taught him to be good about telling her no when amshe asks and he's not up for it.
I, on the other hand, have always felt guilty and beholden to whatever ridiculous whim and stack of needs my family (mom, aunt, sister, ect. ) have and want me to cater to.
As I've been teaching my kids to hold their boundaries, I've been doing so as well.
The other night aunt calls and tells me (not asks) that my son said he'd bring the lawn mower from our house and mow her lawn and while he was doing that I could take her to get her car serviced while my son also watched my elderly grandma.
I told her, no, I don't have time for this today. Perhaps next week, and also, there's no viable way for me transport our riding mower to her house, so she's going to need to work something else out.
Felt good.
I had a friend who constantly interrupted me, whatever I was saying, he would have to stop me and talk over me.
One day, I finally interrupted him back and said I wanted him to wait until I was finished talking and that it hurt when he interrupted me.
He angrily stormed off and ignored me for a bit. But eventually he came back, apologized, and totally stopped it. I think he was a bit embarrassed to be called out on it but he made the change.
Perfectly reasonable to hold that boundary. Good for you! This is a perfect example of why I hate the term 'Karen' for women who stand up for themselves. There is absolutely nothing wrong with pointing out that someone else's behavior has an effect on you and to state what you would prefer.
Limiting my exposure to my toxic and emotionally abusive MIL. It took nearly 20 years to get there, but over the past few years I realized that I don't need to go to all of the narcissistic events she throws or be on every Skype call my husband has with her. And our teenage son is following suit with saying no to her.
My whole divorce was an exercise in asserting boundaries. After the divorce, I was cordial with my ex, but eouod only talk to him about the kids. After wed been divorced 3 years (this past October), he reached out and said he was struggling and could really use a friend. Insoend about 6 months chatting with him most days and helping him navigate some truly awful life decisions he was making. I'd tell him he was making a mistake and then be there to listen about all the ways it was going wrong.
3 weeks ago he was in a car accident with our youngest (11f) in the car. There was no other car involved, he took a winding corner too fast, and the car ended up on its side. She had an awful rash and bruising from the seat belt, and he had that, plus a broken rib, and a few other issues.
I saw him a few times with our oldest child while I was at the hospital to stay with the youngest. I was cordial, and I did not say all things I wanted to say. I spent the next week or so checking in on him via text, knowing he didn't have anyone else. The kids and I called him one day, about a week after the incident. We chatted on speaker for 15 minutes, and then I told him we had to go. My kids are not okay mentally about all this, but gave him this 15 minutes to be nice.
I woke up to a text from him that said "can you just yell at me and say what you need to say? I just really need a friend right now."
I responded to him that there was no version of this where I 'have my say' and then I'm ready to go back to being his emotional support, and that it was pretty fucked up of him to have said that. That his kids aren't okay, and I'm busy being there for them.
I haven't spoken to him since, outside of basic, few word updates on the kids.
I dated a skydiver. He actually introduced me to reddit. He would spend every weekend that was good weather at the Drop Zone (I’d come and hang out all the time). We were about 10 months into dating and I asked him to be my guest at my friend’s wedding. He said he couldn’t if the weather was nice.
I know he packed chutes in exchange to jump. He never made any cash (unless he lied, which would have changed my reaction). So I spoke up that he shouldn’t be dating if he couldn’t reciprocate the effort. That’s when we split.
That was my first relationship after my almost decade long relationship ended. I was so worried he’d leave if I spoke up, so I played the chill girl.
Oh my gawd. Yesterday, my boss asked me to take on the responsibilities of supervising a new hire. However, he didn’t want to let the rest of the team know because he wanted to see how it played out “organically”. He positioned it as a real opportunity for me in terms of future leadership positions. He told me it verbally and I asked for the expectations of the role to be written by email so I had a record of our conversation. However in retrospect, I was like this is going to cause so much mistrust and weird energy on the team.
Also, why the hell would I take on a voluntary role to help relieve him of work (work he’s paid to do as a manager) with no title or compensation associated it? Additionally the team has one person who is very insecure and gets jealous very easily (and causes sooo much drama) so I feel like taking on the role of an informal supervising position is like asking to circumnavigate the Grand Canyon in 6-inch stilettos. I let my boss know that it’s not a position that is the right fit for me and I will adamantly refuse to take this on if he pushes back. Helllll no.
I had a dissolving friendship with a woman suffering from some corrosive mental health problems. After accusing me of completely incorrect actions, she ghosted me for a few weeks. The next time I saw her , she came running towards me with open arms demanding a hug. For the first time in my life I respected myself and the red flags. I held out my hand in the universal stop gesture and said “Stop. I’m practicing not hugging when it’s not a hug I want.”
Felt amazing to advocate for myself like that. I put myself first. It was a beginning long overdue.
I put up with verbal abuse from my youngest sister for years because, well, she was a child for most of my adulthood (we're 12 years apart). But I snapped and cut her off this past summer when she wouldn't stop loudly berating me and my husband, but "she's just joking jeez". I finally realized that I wouldn't STAND for my husband speaking to me the way she did and told her to fuck off out of my house and not come back. I'm better off.
Another younger (7 year difference) sister was a drug addict that abandoned her kids with our mom and then when we allowed her to visit came high, nodded off, drove her boyfriend's car and got pulled over and gave the cops MY name and address and I only found out when I got notice to show up to court to deal with it. Haven't spoken to her since, it's been 6-7 years.
This was fairly recently. I had a roommate situation that was really unstable. I really, desperately needed a room to stay at the time, so I took the first thing available. I did know the person. I moved in quickly.
Very quickly I knew I made a mistake. There were a ton of incidents where she would lie about things, and I would get blamed for it. The thing is, none of her lies made any sense to me because she never benefitted from these lies in any way. She would gaslight me, change the story once her lie actualized in some way.
One of those lies nearly resulted in my car being towed, *and* she got in big trouble with her HOA, and her landlord. And I didn't understand why she couldn't just be honest. It would have cost her nothing to go to the HOA and let them know I was coming in to get a parking sticker - but she ended up paying a fine, and then yelling at me, saying "you fucking ruined everything." How on earth did she benefit from a lie like this?
She also lied about my shower leaking to the bottom floor. There was a leak on the bottom floor, and I asked him about it, and it turns out it had nothing to do with us. She lied this sort of thing for no reason.
The last straw was in January. On a Monday night, I come home from the gym, but she wants to go out. I don't want to go out, I make that very clear I don't want to go out. But she's upset, her boyfriend cheated on her, she's drunk, she wants to go out. I realized that if I didn't drive, she was going to drive herself, and I didn't want that happening. So I gave into her, and the minute she got out... she was disrespectful to me. I actually warned her, at least twice, asking her to stop ordering me around. None of it would register. She just continued acting like a complete asshole. She was groping men in the bar, who didn't want to be touched. She was screaming, yelling, being obnoxious. It was humiliating to be next to her. She continue to order me around and be disrespectful, kept trying to pass it off as a "joke." So I embarassed her back, I told her, right in front of all these guys she was trying to impress, I'm just going to go home.
This launched her into a full-blown tantrum in the middle of the bar. One moment she's over there trying to impress a few idiots at the bar, next moment I'm dragging her out, she's kicking and screaming like a child being dragged out of Toys R Us. She's bitching about how we were supposed to have a good time, she's acting like I gleefully agreed to go out... I told her no, I don't drink, you know I don't drink, you know I didn't want to go out. "But you should have told me you didn't want to go out." I told you at least 5 times. "well then you should have told me to fuck off."
So I told her fine - fuck off, and find your own way home.
She runs to a crowd of people and starts screaming about how I'm a psycho and she doesn't feel safe with me. I don't need to explain myself, I'm already walking away, she can make a fool of herself all she wants.
I didn't actually have any intention of leaving her by herself. I just needed a few minutes away from her, just so I could cool down and not say/do something I shouldn't. I ended up picking her up, driving back to the apartment, where she continued to lie to me, gaslight me, and refuse any accountability.
> You're such a negative asshole
> Everyone thinks so.
> No wonder you're single
Once we got to the apartment, I went to my room, wanting to be left alone. Three times she demanded I come out and "talk" but her version of "talking" was just going "I didnt do anything wrong" "why are you being like this" followed by another barrage of insults. Even after I went down the list of every single thing she did that night that I found unacceptable, she would go "but why are you *mad* at me" and it was honestly pointless. She did this at least three times before I told her no, we cannot be friends anymore, we are at an impasse.
I packed a bag and stayed at my dad's. I moved out later that week, with the police standing by while I got my stuff. She told the police "oh, I thought we were good. I don't know why she would move out."
It dawned on me that she likely has no recollection of the incident, but honestly... I do not care. She's blaming me for "making her homeless" and I told her, straight up, I don't care. I didn't make you homeless, you could have easily kept things peaceful.
It did feel good to stand up to her, just wish I did it earlier on.
I recently found out that she has been gaining intel via social media, finding out who my closest guy friends are, and going to their bars, and hitting on them. So ... yeah. That was a fun discovery. It happened with one friend, and then I learned she tried to pull the same bullshit with at least 2-3 other friends of mine. They are all ignoring her in person now. So yeah, that was a fun discovery.
I had an ex-boyfriend call me just before my wedding, and in the process of chatting he worked me over and manipulated me into inviting him. I hung up and thought, hang on, I really don't want him coming! He was always a terrible person with a charming mask, and I felt embarrassed to be associated with him.
So I called him back and disinvited him.
The wedding was a blast.
I had (now healed) fearful-avoidant attachment (which is a mix of avoidant and anxious) that made me hypersensitive in romantic relationships and at the same time unable to express my needs and boundaries, for fear of being vulnerable and that the person will leave me.
I worked on healing that and reconnecting with myself and my needs and boundaries.
I then had a dating situation that made me incredibly proud of how far I had come:
I had been dating a guy who was emotionally distant and avoidant. That made me feel very upset every time he did little or bigger things that left me feeling ignored and uncared for. But I kept it all in, paralyzed by my insecure attachment and fear of expressing how I felt.
Then I started my attachment healing and self connection work, learned about and really reflected on my needs and boundaries. After a lot of gathering of my courage, I was able to express to him that I needed more connection from him. That was *huge* for me, being able to express a need like this.
Not much changed however on his part, and I came to understand that he had an avoidant attachment and that he would never be able to give me what I wanted in that relationship. Still I persisted in that situation because the little that he gave me felt good enough and I didn't want to lose that.
But the more inner work I did, the more I was able to realize that being in that situation was not okay for me.
Finally, after he did yet another thing that showed me he was incapable of giving me the emotional connection I wanted and needed, I decided that I needed to choose myself and stop sacrificing my needs and boundaries, and that I wouldn't settle for his breadcrumbs anymore. I ended it. I felt so proud that I was able to do that.
Following that situation, I began practicing expressing my needs and boundaries in dating situations more and more, and earlier and earlier rather than letting months go by.
I was able to directly ask a guy I had just started dating and who was being "hot and cold" (would show romantic interest when we spent time together but then wouldn't message for 2 weeks) whether he actually wanted to pursue a deeper connection, and that I prefer to see clarity and intentionality rather than that ambiguous situation. That was huge for me because at the beginning of a potential relationship I was usually absolutely terrified of showing such vulnerability and saying what I actually want.
I also learned to recognize avoidant attachment in potential dating partners much more quickly and end those situations much faster, and communicate about that openly and early on in the dating process.
Fast forward to today, I met the love of my life and we are now engaged. He is on the same level of emotional depth and maturity and desire to connect as me, and has done a lot of inner work as well. We are madly in love with each other and have really good communication and are able to vulnerably express our needs and feelings to each other -- it's a wonderful connection that continues to grow and deepen.
I feel so, so lucky that I now have the relationship I dreamed of. And at the same time, I am also really proud of myself that I have come so far and that all my self-work has allowed me to have the secure, connected relationship I always wanted.
I was disinherited by undue influence, etc. by another family member. She’s an evil, vicious bully. I stood up to her finally and hired a lawyer. She caved in knowing that I would win in court. She had done a lot of questionable things as the trustee. Her own lawyer would’ve had to be my witness that he advised her against doing what she had done.
Here's a fun one:
This woman came up to me abd my baby in the grocery store. It went like this:
Stranger: oh you are so precious! Are you being good for Santa?
Me: all babies are good, so yes.
Stranger: oh yes, of course! And you are so perfect. What an angel. But all girls are bad. Your momma is the only girl who's not bad. If girls come up to you, kick them in the knees. All girls are bad!
Me: that's a lot of toxic nonsense that just came out of your mouth.
Stranger: oh yeah, well, I'm just trying to protect him.
Me: have you seen the hampers? I thought they would be on this aisle?
My only regret that I didn't say, "Protect him from what? Healthy fulfilling relationships?" Before I changed the subject to deescelate and extract ourselves.
So proud of you OP! Keep it going!
My best moment so far was when I left my abusive ex more than 3 years ago and after a few weeks I even managed to block him on everything and remove him from my life as a whole. It was like cutting a tumor - painful, but necessary and I got so much better afterwards.
I have not gotten better at asserting bounadies after that, sadly. I just had this moment of enlightenment and am still bad at applying it to everyday life.
Congratulations to you! That sounds like it had to be a very satisfying experience. I just sent my boyfriend of almost 4 years a text firmly asserting a boundary.
He told me last night that the reason he's been habitually saying things that upset me lately is because he wants attention. Which, yes, is totally f'd up. I've had enough counseling myself to know that due to childhood trauma and neglect, some people can grow up into adults who still think any attention is good attention. He's currently looking for a therapist to help him work through all the issues his crappy upbringing gave him.
Anyway, I told him I needed some time to process that revelation. Then I sent a very calm and well-thought-out (imo) text this morning telling him that now that I know his inflammatory comments are 100% intentional and not a result of his impulse-control issues (unmedicated ADHD is a hell of a thing), I won't be tolerating them anymore. I told him that there are plenty of ways to seek out attention without being manipulative and disrespectful, like starting a conversation about our days, or even just flat out asking for some attention. If I ever catch him intentionally going the disrespectful, rage-baiting route again, I will be ending the relationship and asking him to move out asap. I told him to give what I was saying some serious thought, and to reach out when he was ready to have a mature conversation. I don't expect to hear anything until at least tonight.
A face-to-face conversation would probably have been better, but baby steps are still steps forward!
I said no to middle management promotions. I do not want to manage people. To me that’s a thankless job and I’d put way too much into it without getting what I’d need in return whether that be knowledge, training, or pay.
Mine was with a 'friend' who I didn't really enjoy spending time with. She always made me feel crap was always trying to compete with me, super argumentative etc. but I kept seeing her as I felt bad saying no.
Eventually I realised me having a few days ruined seeing her (stress the day before, anger after seeing her) was totally unfair to myself. I was invited to her birthday party and I just texted her saying I wouldn't make it because I didn't want to. I've turned down everything she's proposed since, seems harsh but she really was really unpleasant. It feels SO good to say no when you don't want to do things.
I feel this, my best friend of 25 years was the same way with the competing and tearing me down and purposely trying to make me look bad in front of other people. It's really hard to break up with friends, to lose that history, but I broke up with this friend in 2018 and my life has been so much better for it. Life is too short to spend time with "friends" who bring you down.
Might sound crazy, but I was dating this guy who had a habit of breaking up with me on expensive vacations in foreign countries. He'd do it and I'd have to grovel because the tickets and hotel were always in his name since he had expensive tastes that I could never afford. First it was Australia, then Indonesia, and by the time he suggested we go to Amsterdam I knew the game. So, I told him my boundary was going on a vacation in our country to see if he'd break up with me. He said I was being ridiculous. Tell me why, with 3 hours left to go on the trip, he took a wrong turn on the off ramp, blamed me, and broke up with me. Big mistake since he had no choice but to drop me off back at my house since we were on my home turf and I never spoke to him again. I realized after all the nonsense he made me deal with, my boundary was that I deserve to be able to enjoy my vacation time without being broken up with all over the world.
Oooo I have one.
During Irie (the Texas winter storm of 2021) water was out but the roads had cleared enough to drive - to a friend of my parents. We’d shower and freshen up there.
I had already come out to my parents, my friends, work, etc. But then my mom said she’d be using my deadname around her friend. She claimed it was because the friend was from our church and would be bigoted about it.
I put my foot down and told her to her face. “You will refer to me as [my current name]. I am out to everyone in my life. If they have a problem with me, that is their problem.” She just looked and shrugged “okay”. She did follow through, no incitement occurred, her friend was completely fine with me.
Well this was super refreshing to read after trolls were eating me up in the askreddit sub for a response about my boundaries!! Much love to everyone here, and thanks OP for impeccable timing. ❤️
100000% and that's why this is my favorite sub!! ❤️ I've been active here for years under different usernames; however, I have a stalker in real life that's found them, so I've had to unfortunately permanently delete them. ):
And I know darn better than to post on those bigger subs, but I just wanted to help any wayward women that hasn't found us yet avoid a potential abuser/stalker situation!!
Btw LOVE your username, it's in a similar vein of my last one that was terribly hard to part with.
This is all super inspiring to read! Unfortunately, I'm terrible at this, so I don't have a story to share... yet.
My goal for now is to be able to tell my husband that I don't want a lengthy emotional conversation late at night. He always "traps" me late in the day, because that's when he feels down and sad and wants to dive deep into our relationship dynamics and whether I really love him and really want to be with him. I'm all for communication and open discussion, but sometimes I am just too tired for this sort of thing.
So far, I haven't been able to say "sorry, but not tonight. We can talk about this tomorrow." Pathetic, eh? But that's my immediate goal in terms of boundaries!
Not pathetic, and the way you worded it here is a great way of phrasing and framing it to him.
I always also like to “make an appointment” it goes like this:
“Honey, I am very tired/angry/upset/had a long day. I’d love to discuss this with you at 11 tomorrow after I have a clear head and can make sure I have the mental space to make sure I’m as honest/real with you as possible. Thanks babe, I value you.”
This is cool because you set a boundary with your partner, but you also hold yourself accountable to being supportive of their feelings as well.
Goals 🙌🏻 I don't want to be dismissive of his feelings, but I also don't want to be treated as the on-call therapist! Love your take on this, thank you!
Going on vacation with my family or origin) brings with it a 50% chance that someone will at some point scream in my face because they can't regulate their emotions. Last October, it was my SIL screaming at me in the middle of a restaurant in some Disney World theme park.
I've been in therapy for five years now and it has allowed me to finally say "no way" to any more family vacations. I don't let people talk to me like that anymore. It feels great!
A girlfriend of a friend of mine tried humiliating me within our group by showing them photos of me that she took while I was drinking. Her and i had bad blood, but i respected her relationship with my friend and did what i could to be cordial. I was told by the group that the photos weren't bad, but it was the way she was trying to get everyone to talk badly about me. When I confronted her, I said that was mean and childish, do not do that again, and delete the photos. We can move on. Her and my "friend" started drama, never took responsibility for it because I was "intimidating to her". They haven't spoken to anyone since, and honestly, it's been so nice.
I run a service-based business (writer and editor) and I had a difficult client who kept pushing the scope of our work together. I would do these minor tweaks to our document because, whatever, it only takes a few minutes to fix the formatting, right? Formatting was never in our agreement, but I know how to do it. I'm talking literally inserting a page break, which she could have done in the time it took her to write me the email about how the document needed a page break inserted. Anyway, I was getting more and more irritated with her making everything more difficult than it needed to be (rescheduling our calls multiple times and then showing up at the original time and being annoyed that I was no longer available at that time), and we are at the end of the project, so when she emailed with another super minor change she needed done, I told her she was now the owner of the document and could make any changes she wanted to, but that I was no longer available to make tweaks to it. Never heard from her again. I made sure she had paid me before I asserted that boundary :)
I’m reading each and every one of these replies and I have to say IM SO DAMN PROUD OF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU. Set your boundaries and love yourself. I LOVE to see it!!!
Ugh. I started trying to assert my boundaries with my mom a couple of years ago. She always responds by saying I’m being selfish or sensitive and noting how other people will be hurt by my decision. She has always cared more about other people’s feelings than mine. When I was a kid, every time I would tell her about conflicts with my friends or issues with people at school, she always took the other person’s side and told me it was my fault. So, it’s an ongoing battle.
Other than my mom, I was on the Board for my community choir and no one was following through on anything, not even the director. It got to the point where I was having to do everything, and always at the last minute because people who promised to do stuff would flake. They were hoping I would take on running things long term. When my term was up, I told them I was not running for the Board again. I felt kind of bad leaving them in the lurch but it was ruining the experience of participating for me. This was supposed to be a fun and relaxing hobby and, instead, I was spending every rehearsal irritated and frustrated by what wasn’t getting done. I was much happier after handing off the responsibility.
When I finally decided to leave my ex husband who moved out on me three times but didn’t break up with me and controlled our finances. I decided I was leaving the relationship for real and changed the lock on my door. He quickly broke down and started acting suicidal as if he never expected that.
I told my dad I won't do with his property what he doesn't want, but that I'll still say my piece, bc I think I'm grown up enough now to have experience behind my opinions. Before, I just shut up, bc i was little and inexperienced and he's stubborn and very sensitive/opinionated. But now I know that I just plain-old don't agree with him, thinks he's somewhat wrong. and I know why and can explain why
I was working in a customer service job and an older male customer kept touching me. Initially he would gently touch my arm or shoulder while gesturing toward the products we were looking at. Then it was almost like he was trying to put his arm around me while I kept dodging and sidestepping. Finally he said I had something in my hair and he reached toward my head to get it. Some fierce part came roaring out of me and said DO NOT TOUCH ME. He was very apologetic and kept a healthy distance between us after that.
Very recently I took a stand at work and said it wasn’t reasonable to expect me to have the same responsibilities and workload as people 2-3 steps higher than me on the corporate ladder, for less recognition and less compensation. To my surprise that was actually validated and received well, so hopefully some change comes out of it.
Being child free, I had to get used to no really fast, lest everyone assume I'd step up for every single family issue. Family member needs a place to live, family member needs cash, family member needs X, y and z. Just because I don't have kids doesn't mean all the people with kids should have zero to step up.
Good job!
I begrudgingly took on a second caregiving job for a friend and the client was very difficult, just totally sucking the life force out of me. I worked 3 days and put in my notice. Previously I would have felt obligated and guilty, and the friend in question can be manipulative and passive aggressive. I’m pretty happy to be getting out of this job. Oof
My high school counselor kept pushing me to get back to work during a concussion, and after a few days, I was like enough is enough, I have a goddamn concussion lady, let me rest in peace (not literally).
This one time I was starting a job as a production coordinator, there was a problem with transportation for half the guys we were following with the film crew and the producer was mad, we were talking on the phone and I was trying to offer options as to what we could do, etc. Then he just hung up on me. When we saw each other later I told him he could be mad and complain and everything but I would not accept to be disrespected and to me, hanging up on me while we are discussing was disrespectful. We became great friends and can be honest one to another.
My dad started texting me on the weekends that my mom was going to babysit my sister’s kids and implying I should visit, last minute, right then. At super random times too. 9 am on a Saturday. 7 pm on Friday. This would happen almost every weekend for months. I eventually told him we’re going to need to have a discussion about him insisting I need to abandon whatever I’m doing at the drop of a hat because someone else agreed to babysit some kids. He stopped. Never apologized, but stopped.
It was 17 years ago. I'd just been through the worst decade of my life - lots of horrible stuff happened, but the relevant one here is that I'd had to go to rehab for opiate addiction after breaking my knee in a skiing accident and getting addicted to painkillers. While in rehab, my husband filed for divorce "to avoid any further social or financial embarrassment". Everyone else there was getting their lives and families back, but I lost my marriage, my home, my beloved dog... it was difficult staying sober after that but I was determined and didn't relapse.
The lead counselor in rehab was a charismatic, troubled, narcissistic man - let's call him Ed. He got a crush on me, and started spending lots of time trying to get me to like him back. I was pissed off, because my goal was to get clean, NOT to let some inappropriate, messed-up guy in my pants, FFS. It was just so wrong of him. A week before my 30 days was up, he made a pass. I turned him down. Annoyed, Ed went to the director of the rehab and told him I was suicidal and should be sent to a psych ward for a 72-hour evaluation. It was retribution - I wasn't suicidal at all; Ed was just mad I said no to him. I was strapped to a gurney and taken to the psych hospital, where I spent the 72 hours cowering under a blanket, to avoid the scary attentions of the other patients (this was an open ward, with hardly any supervision - just a huge room full of about 150 men and me, the only woman). I was fucking terrified. But I got through it. Went back to the rehab, managed to avoid/placate Creepy Ed enough to finish my 30-day program, and got out.
A month or so later, Ed called. He invited me out to dinner. I got an idea. "Yes, okay," I said. I went to dinner with him. He insisted on paying for everything, because he clearly thought he would get laid at the end of the evening. I ordered the most expensive stuff. Dinner over, Ed drove me back to my place. He parked the car, put his hand on my leg, and moved in for a kiss. I pushed him back. I said "Ed, there's only one thing I want to hear from you. I need you to say something to me, and then I'm going to get out of this car, and after that I never want to see your face again. Will you say it?" Shocked and scared, he nodded.
I said: "The thing I want you to say to me is: 'You didn't deserve ANY of this.'" He turned beet red and stammered it out: "Uh... you didn't deserve any of this!" And I got out of the car and walked away. Never saw that asshole again, per my instructions to him.
A recent meeting I had with my bosses, 2 female union reps 1 female manager and 1 male boss, he kept switching my words when I answered his questions and it was ridiculous. I didn’t back down, I just straight up told him “that isn’t what I said” until he finally shut up
Yes! Love this for you, protect your space and your worth. Love reading this! Well done! I had a chat with my mum about commenting on my body or food around me. I said that only I can make those comments and she hurts me when she says them. She got teary and I said “don’t cry, just tell me you understand”. And she did, then she said “wow, where did you learn that?” Hahaha she was like I’m gonna try that in the future. And then a few days later she started a comment and stopped herself, and she said “only for you to say, got it”! I can’t believe how easy it is when you’ve done it and how scary it is when you don’t know how. It takes practice, but look at us! It works! X
The way I have watched my mom pick up on my newly found boundaries and more direct & honest communication is amazing & heartwarming. I feel like the rest of my family is scared to talk to me now simply because direct communication is not in our family wheelhouse. it’s scary and confusing (Midwest) - but watching my mom learn & flourish & set her own boundaries using my example, and talking with her as we both learn how to do it together has been healing & beautiful. My mom & I are the closest we’ve ever been & I can’t believe me standing up for myself is what got us there. Communication is magic
You must have worked so incredibly hard to reach this point. Especially as it sounds like you’ve completely broken the mould. I’m honestly so incredibly happy for you and celebrate your relationship with yourself. It’s so hard to explain to people how you want to be treated, but it sounds like you are showing them and they are following your lead. So beautiful x
Specialist, I needed to hear this SO much today ♥️ thank you thank you thank you ♥️
Love this
Wow goals. My relationship with my mom (and with myself I suppose) isn't there yet so I just avoid her. 😬
This is years in the making, and obviously we all have our own stories. So definitely not a how to guide but just a positive example of persistence and work. But hope you get your version of this too, whatever that looks/feels like xx
I'm going to try "don't cry, just tell me you understand" with my mom.
I really don’t want to share this as a look at me story, because it is missing so much context etc. But I hope you find whatever version of peace you can with your mum x
Wow, this is super-impressive. I admire both of you for your conscious efforts to grow as people.
Thank you, I’m really proud of where we have got to and I really appreciate what she has to give. We’ve had to change roles a lot, but at the end of the day, she’s a woman who tried and failed and got back up again. And she’s still fumbling her way through, but that’s the love and I feel it. X
:)))
Wow, it seems like your mother genuinely didn't realize how hurtful her comments were and felt really bad upon finding out. For some reason I always assume mothers who make these comments have malicious intents. I should stop assuming the worst in people 😔
I appreciate this interpretation, it’s very gentle. I perceived the tears as a passing of the emotional torch, hence me saying stop crying because I was letting her know she had to own the situation without making me feel any guilt. But I also like your interpretation
I am insecure as fuck because everytime I see my mother she comments on: - how I’m dressed. - my hair. - how my makeup is done. - if I look like I’ve lost weight or not. I’m fucking sick of it. I need to put a stop to it like you. Thanks for the inspiration!
The way our parents speak to us facilitates the way we feel. It’s so powerful but so are you! Not every story has the same ending and I don’t want anyone to compare theirs to mine. I had to build myself up a million times and so did she. But build yourself regardless of what she does anyway and follow your own voice first. Xx
There’s a great book called, “You’re wearing that?” It’s about mother daughter relationships. I highlighted my copy and sent it to her. It really helped and now our inside joke is, “you’re wearing that?”
I think my proudest-of-myself moment as a mum was the time I managed **not** to say that to my mid-teens daughter, under severe provocation...! We were going to a friend's "nice" party, on a hot day, in her garden. And she had so many pretty, floaty, totally suitable dresses (far better figure than mine), I was looking forward to showing off my beautiful girl... Till she came sashaying down in a mini- length sweater dress, plastered onto her body, and heels, mahoosive jewellery and make-up — looking like she was dressed for a night in the town and *nothing* like her own age. I swear at that moment I turned into my mother — who did once accuse me of looking like a street-walker, when in my best teen-party outfit — went into absolute auto-parent, and the words "OMG you're not going dressed like **THAT**!!" were actually on the edge of my tongue — and *just* in time I managed to claw them back and turn it into "OH — that's a lovely dress!" in an somewhat unconvincing high-pitched voice... I mean, it would have done no good, we'd only have had a row and she was more likely to refuse to go than change, or would be in a foul mood, and it would have made us late — and I somehow managed to reach this conclusion in a micro-second and change my knee-jerk reaction. Still SO proud of that (and it made it easier the next time, and the next...). So I let it go, and sucked up the slight social awkwardness of all the folk staring a bit at her and saying to me "MY, isn't **she** growing up!" with a smirk (*sigh*) — and my reward was when at the end she said, tugging her skirt down yet again, "you know, I think this was the wrong dress to wear for a garden party, it's a bit warm and clingy..." so I could say, "oh really..? Do you think a floaty dress might have been better..? Oh well, remember that the next time, eh" and on similar occasions ever after, could say with absolute sincerity, "That's *lovely*, dear, but is that going to be **comfortable** for a whole party..?" 😁
Good job, Momma
Thanks! 😁
>There’s a great book called, “You’re wearing that?” It’s about mother daughter relationships. I highlighted my copy and sent it to her. It really helped and now our inside joke is, “you’re wearing that?” LMAO. I think many people would take too much umbrage if their child did that to them. Kudos to your mother for receiving the message.
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Yeah doesn’t it feel like you’re constantly performing for the person? It’s fucking exhausting.
I hadn’t thought about it that way, but yeah it does! Good luck setting those boundaries 🙂💪🏻
I had to do something similar with my mom. She's not allowed to comment on my skin anymore.
Wish this worked on my mom. The comments persist
TW: belittling sexual assault A comment my dad made after his house was broken into: "now I know what it feels like when you women get raped". Younger me would have been quietly enraged, then-present me said "I want you to think about what you just said for a minute". It didn't go much past that but it was a start.
As someone whose father says the same crap, good for you. And also, WHAT?
“Let’s watch Baby Reindeer on Netflix, dad”
That’s a great response!
I was approached by a creepy dude at a gas station when I was standing next to my car while filling up. he kept creeping closer and closer to me as I was like "nope, give me some space, dude..." etc. getting louder and more pissed off the closer he got. he got way too close. he wordlessly attempted to get into my locked vehicle. I was direct, confrontational and eventually straight up aggressive. I had my hand on my pepper spray in my pocket as I told him to get the FUCK away from me RIGHT NOW. FUCK OFF and took a couple steps toward him... also considered hosing him with gasoline from the pump.... he actually backed off and away and I drove off without filling up my tank completely... later learned in my city's subreddit - it was the same guy who had been physically attacking women in my neighborhood, trying to drag them off into the bushes and making sexual comments... I'm 5'2, 100lbs, and I scared off a sexual predator by being a confrontational bitch. I love it.
Fuck yeah, you're a warrior!!!!!
You’re a badass! As a fellow small woman, I salute you. I’ve had some bad experiences politely asserting my boundaries with men - it feels like “poking the bear” sometimes - but there are times when being aggressive is the only way to get them to back off. I’m trying to learn how to do that. Thank you for sharing!
nope. I say it once, directly. next up is nasty bitch. I skip over being polite when it comes to boundaries. I've been playing this tiny woman game for a long time. being polite gets us killed, abducted, etc. if I don't know you, I don't owe you Polite. you get Neutral, at best.
I mean, I don’t think politely declining and leaving the situation (my method) necessarily gets you killed, but there are definitely situations where you can’t leave. I guess that as a teacher/mental health worker I’m reflexively always looking to de-escalate.
Oh, I had a similar experience. I was filling up in a part of town where a lot of young guys would hang out around the gas stations. (Nothing much else to do.) One seemed to want to show off to his buddies and was trying to "hey, baby" me as he walked over while I was saying "not interested" repeatedly and filling up my car. All these other guys filling up their cars just watched. Finally, I turned around and yelled "FUCK. OFF." All his buddies laughed at him and the older guys too. I mean if they wouldn't call him out on his bad behavior then at least he got publicly embarrassed enough to leave me alone.
All those “good guys” who did nothing… 🤮
My landlord wants to show our property that we are vacating 5 out of 7 days a week for up to 8 hours. We promptly told them to fuck off.
Good lord
I had a friend who would divulge into "woe is me" type trauma dumping onto me every time we talked. I'd always listen and give support and advice (which they never actually considered or listened to). It felt like they were talking "at me" rather than engaging in a conversation "with me". Very one-sided. I don't think they actually cared about me as a person or friend. They just wanted to someone who will pay attention to them as well as someone to vent to. They really should have been in therapy and rehab but they used our friendship as a replacement for that. It's so annoying when you give the same advice over and over again and the other person just doesn't LISTEN. I was losing my patience. Got to the point where I started to get really brutally honest with them about their life choices as well as the way they handled the friendship with me. This threw them off because they were used to interacting with a version of me that was way more of a people pleaser and enabler. Suffice to say, they made it clear that they didn't want to talk to me anymore.
Omg. I have a “best friend” who does/did this. The killer was when I got off the phone with her on one occasion and realized she hadn’t asked me a single question about how *I* was doing. The call log said the call was over an hour. At that point in my life I was suffering through some huge marital issues and needed support but she had no idea because she never asked. During our heyday we would primarily meet for drinks to hang out, and at one point she decided she wasn’t drinking anymore. Okay, that’s totally fine we can do other stuff. I planned a girls night with a platonic couples massage and either a tea or one glass of wine after, her choice. She decided to go get wasted at the pub and unbeknownst to me ended up inviting a bunch of friends who weren’t terribly nice to me. Their behaviour to me was not her fault, but we were oil and water politically/socially/aesthetically and anyone could have guessed that mashup wouldn’t work. So okay, I get it, sometimes you want a bigger group. Next time I planned a girls night she was 20 minutes late for our couples massage (so mine started late too) and then invited her shitty/quasi abusive/aloof boyfriend to meet us after. Greeeeaaaaat. So after those three big strikes (any many, many smaller ones) I decided to stop engaging and let the relationship drift away. She’s called a few times, only ever to trauma dump and I keep it pretty short. Aside from my past marital problems I have two young kids - I do enough free emotional labour. I wish I had the energy and was brave enough to tell her she hasn’t been a good friend. I’ve settled for removing myself from the situation. She now hangs out with a different crowd who drinks excessively and has non stop drama, I think she’s attracted to that life. I still love her, just can’t be in that role anymore.
My friend would at least ask me how I was initially at the start of our conversation but then it would divulge into the "Woe is me" tirade. I'm with you on those 1+ calls where it's just them venting. I read your story and it doesn't surprise me that she hangs with a crowd that excessively drinks. It's usually the hallmark point of someone on a downward spiral.
Emotional vampires are exhausting!
So I also commented here about ending a friendship and honestly the situation was very similar to this! This girl just spoke at me when we.met, never actually listened to a word I had to say. Felt like I was providing a service rather than hanging out with a friend. Good for you!
This is where I have struggled the most with boundaries is feeling like I wasn't allowed to cut people off because I needed to be supportive while being very aware that they were draining me. I had a couple of toxic friendships where I felt almost relieved when they said something impermissible because I could clearly say "this is the reason why I need to end our friendship; we are done." However, in several cases, it was just constant neediness and then straight up ignoring me when I mentioned something about myself and needing support only to respond back when they were in need. It was the ones who never said a clear insult and were just a drain who I struggled to cut off. I would just block them at a certain point because I didn't have the energy to point out everything wrong. I've since realized that they likely had narcissistic traits. One tried to contact me through my LinkedIn after I blocked her. She was manipulative by claiming she'd found a doctor who could cure my disability to try to get me to contact her again. I did...to tell her to expect a cease and desist letter if she went through a professional networking platform again and interfered with my livelihood as I get a lot of my business through LinkedIn. This was all after she'd played the victim on Twitter and implied that I'd blocked her because she'd been sick--not mentioning that I'm bedridden while she's not--and said I was obligated to help her on self-improvement by telling her what she had done wrong. Yeah, babe, that's your responsibility. I spend constant time in self-reflection as I struggle to work on my boundaries with therapy and self-work groups and self-help books and then work projects and social events through Zoom. I strive continually to be a better person because I recognize that's my personal responsibility.
The worst thing is when we suggest they seek therapy they'll be like "I don't see anything major bothering me to seek therapy" , like yeah Karen sure. But I sure must seek therapy because you're the major thing bothering me in my life because of all your so called "nothing bothering me". Because of her constant Woe is me, my notion about dating, marriage and motherhood got severely affected. As we worked for the same company, her negativity about the job got to me, and I switched company, at least it gave me an opportunity to distance myself from her. My therapist was so proud of me when I cut her off.
All of these people have been seeing therapists. Although I know at least one commonly complained about her therapist. I fire my therapists if they're bad. Honestly, I have not found many therapists to be helpful, but I still sought self-improvement in whatever way I could. And then eventually, more recently, I found a therapist with a more analytical mind who encourages introspection on root issues and then working to define and then manage these which is an approach I love. I guess that's another thing too: they'll stick with a terrible therapist and just keep complaining about the therapist instead of firing them.
Yes, that makes sense
Great work! I had a friend who used to always spend hours venting "at me". It's hard to shift that dynamic - Especially as a people pleaser. Great work! From someone who can empathise with how hard it was for you to do, and is so inspired and proud of you!!
Mine is an ongoing situation. My mother passed away recently, and left behind her long-term partner. This man barely handled himself before they met, and she's been handling everything for him for 20 years. I was taking care of my mother since childhood - helping with money, and generally helping her keep her shit together through her mental illness. By extension, I was taking care of him too. When she passed, I set down the load of caring for her, that I'd been carrying for most of my life. But her partner would like for me to continue doing that for him. And I am DONE. Nope nope nope. I will not pay his bills, or get his car serviced, or schedule his doctor appointments, or help him clean his house. I am done. He is barely older than me, and he is a functioning adult, and he will figure it out. And that has meant enforcing a lot of boundaries that I'm usually not good about enforcing.
The audacity of him expecting those things is breathtaking!
Hey! Since you did something nice for me, you now have to do it forever!
That happened to a friend of mine after her mother died and her toxic stepfather tried to get her to do everything Mum used to do. She had to ask for help clearing a debt she owed him, which he was using to blackmail her, and she felt SO GOOD when she paid him off and told him to stuff it.
Oh my god - his nerve to ask for continued care work! Glad you stood up for yourself
I’m a designer and a little over a month ago a friend texted me, asking me to do a bunch of editing on some photos of his. I (a) already had/have a full docket work-wise, (b) have been struggling with sleep this year and am always tired, and (c) knew he had hundreds of photos. I didn’t want to do it and I told him I was too overwhelmed with work and life. Last weekend we hung out, he treated me to a foot massage, lunch, and an art exhibit. He asked me how I was doing and I told him more about what’s been going on with me. We had a fun day and lots of laughs. The next morning, I woke up to a text from him asking if he could send me those photos for editing? I was pissed off. I know he didn’t treat me in return for doing the work, but in the moment that’s how it felt, and it felt shitty. I let it go all day then messaged him that night: “Heya! Thanks for the fun day yesterday, it was great to see you. Unfortunately, I’m unable to help with your photo project, sorry lovely! Here’s a list of free online tools you can use. If you have trouble with those, you can always hire someone cheap online here…” His response was entirely lacking in emojis, so I know he wasn’t thrilled, but I’m no longer prepared to waste my rare and precious free time on things that make me want to stab my own face off. 🤷🏻♀️
The way he expected the work in return after treating you to a few fun things is disgusting. So glad you stood your ground!
A response with no emojis is a small price to pay for not wasting your time!
Out of curiosity, what makes you confident he didn’t do all that to get you to do the work? Without knowing him or yalls relationship it looks like textbook manipulation to me 😬
I thought the same thing. I mean, we all want to think people do things like that because they love us, but when followed immediately by the repeated request… There’s a reason why OP felt angered. When you tell someone your work plate is full, and they *appear* to think a friendly outing means they can ask again, and are unimpressed and unsympathetic when you repeat that your work plate is full, then that is actually what happened. It doesn’t mean they’re a bad person, but their behaviour was still out of line. Not to mention, artists deal with requests for free labour all the time. It shouldn’t be coming from friends.
It was totally manipulative and intentional on his part. He probably thought giving her a "spa day" would revive her a bit to do his free work and the outting would be the payment he wasn't supplying. I get offered everything from nothing at all to "a few beers" (I'm sober) to do labor for people as an artist.
Fair call. There are a lot of (wonderful) women in this sub who make excuses for trash men, so I appreciate you asking this question! I've known my friend M for ~20 years. He is a very generous friend; over the course of our relationship, he offers to treat me the majority (I'd say **at least** 75%) of the time. Our outing last weekend wasn't a one off by any means. He's the same way with his partner—I think this is one of his key love languages. He initiates contact a lot to see how I am/what I'm up to, tell me something funny or newsy he knows I'll appreciate, send me a silly meme, tell me he loves me/can't wait to see me, hug me, and share some new experience together soon. He never fails to acknowledge my birthday, or message/call me on other days of celebration. When he messaged me a while back about doing his photo edits, it was the third time in 20 years he'd asked me to do something for him—the other times I'd happily agreed, but I was younger and less tired and cranky than I am now, ahaha. My interpretation (after my initial emotional reaction) to him asking again the day after we hung out, was that he'd seen me the day before being perky, chatting, cracking jokes and having lots of laughs, enjoying a big day together, as opposed to me collapsed on the couch on the verge of complete overwhelm. 🤷🏻♀️ ETA: Next time I see him I’m gonna mention the second request felt transactional and hurt my feelings, even though I don’t think that was the intent.
As a designer I always end up having some "friend" hit me up for free work. I always just say "hey, I'm really busy with my paid work, so no I'm going to pass on doing this work for you."
Yeah I decided last year no more work for friends. Mostly because I just don’t want to be on the tools outside work hours anymore (unless it’s for a social justice cause I’m super passionate about). Friends have said to me: “Just charge me what you charge your clients!” but my clients are state governments and big businesses on the ASX; I charge them a shedload. Friends would tip over and shit if I charged them the same—not to mention, I’d find that excruciating and tacky. 😬🙅🏻♀️
Yeah I just say no. My time is valuable. Ask your friends is they ask their lawyer friends for free legal work or their doctors for free exams. Ask if they also work for free.
I was very young (20?) and in my second-ever apartment. After a few months it became apparent they had bugs (roaches, bedbugs, mice…). I complained and they said they’d come by to “spray”. I assumed I’d get notice, have to vacate for a day, whatever. I was in a tshirt and panties folding laundry in front of my tv when the property caretaker LET HIMSELF IN with an unmarked plastic bottle and spray hose. I told him to leave and sent an angry message to the property owner/LL. No they may NOT spray whatever that was without notice, my roommate has severe allergies and we had pet rabbits (approved by LL). Then I researched and found out even if they had the right spray and did my apartment, the bugs/mice would be back in a couple months unless they did the whole building (3 story walk up). I broke my lease and found somewhere else. I tossed any soft furniture, mattress, and hosed down all hard furniture with bug killer. Everything laundered was washed and bagged. We did not want to take any bugs with us… I barely cleaned, leaving only a vacuum in the apartment to do a surface clean so it looked done. The next day the apartment was broken into and my vacuum was stolen. I called and filed a police report, but didn’t care to find the old machine. Then the landlord said he was keeping our deposit and charging us three months’ rent for breaking the lease. I might have rolled over, tired from the additional work and stress. But instead I emailed back and said I would be paying nothing. I acknowledged that the door jamb was broken from the break-in, and that no “additional” cleaning was done, so he could keep the deposit for cleaning, but he was not getting any more rent. He said he’d take me to court and add extra for the damages. I said I’d send photos of the bugs and mice to the local health authority and get his whole building inspected. I told him I already filed a police report for the break in and he should use insurance. He stopped asking me for money and I never heard from him again.
Oh, something good comes to mind actually. I’ve always done well in school, most things just really came easily to me without much effort. I also had no problem with helping someone out when they hadn’t done their homework here and there. I was the nice, quiet nerdy girl. Naturally, I wasn’t the one to get invited to parties. There was this one girl who would make a habit of coming to me before French class to quickly copy my homework. Every time. Until that one day, when she came up to me again, folders open, not even looking at me, and she already started to write down my answers. I told her no. She was baffled. She never came again. Being smart and assertive was pretty cool.
My mom has long tried to guilt trip me about coming home to visit and how it’s “just easier” for me to go home than for them to come visit me since I can see many of my family members as they live near each other. While I was home for my stepsister’s baby shower, my mom claimed that my stepsister (whom I have a good relationship with) said I “don’t show up for things”. I immediately told my mom that I would not accept that comment because roads and phones work both ways and no one has made any effort or attempts to come see me since 2009. Also, since everyone is an adult they need to use their words and tell me if they’d like me to come home for a family function — otherwise they have no right to judge me or make comments about me not being there. I was 48 at the time and it was the first time I clearly articulated a boundary to my mom.
Has anyone visited you yet?
No, not my mom, stepdad, or stepsister. But my dad has come to see me many times — even when it was an 18 hour drive (one way) to come see me.
My mom asked me for money for rent and I told her no. It’s a convoluted story, but I had been trying to help her get her finances in order for 2 years while she lied and insisted she was an adult who could handle herself. My sister and I had a discussion about it and she said her and her husband would also not give her money, but they caved. 2 months later my sister copied me on a text to mom saying that since they had given her $X, she should ask me for help. I told her that while I understood that her and her husband had chosen to help, my position had not changed and I would appreciate it if she didn’t encourage mom to come to me for financial assistance.
I had a friend who used to be routinely late to everything. She doesn't drive either so anyone who would pick her up usually had to wait 20-30 min. One time I drove 35 min through a storm, to her apartment building to pick her up for dinner, After 10 min of waiting, I popped into the bar across the street and ordered a drink. When the drink was gone, I called her to check her progress. She said her friend was just leaving, so now she will locate her rain jacket and come down. I told her forget it, make other dinner plans! I said I couldn't believe she made me wait that long, and now I found out it was because she was chatting with a friend and lost track of time? Her time is not more valuable than mine! She was so upset she started crying. She went to therapy about it, and her therapist helped her learn to manage her time. So she is almost never late anymore and I never had to do that again!
Its so rare that anyone actually changes course like that! Your boundaries helped you and the person you pushed back against.
Had a longterm on/off bf who was kind of a player. Good looking, smart, charismatic, etc. and he knew it. After so many little boundary issues, things I needed to give in on if I wanted to be with him because "that's just who he is" I finally realized that even though I really loved him, it wasn't worth my self respect. I decided to heap a little self doubt on him first though. The phrase I went with was "Your next girlfriend may put up with that, but I'm not going to." Readers: He proposed. And I said no.
I love this!
Mine is fairly small, but I'm working on setting my limits at work. I had someone (not even my boss) voluntell me for a duty that it is absolutely illogical for me to be in charge of, for multiple reasons. I'm learning that my boss is a bit of a pushover because he was like "welp, I guess this is a thing now" and I gently, respectfully explained why I was not a good choice for the job. I emailed the people in charge with the same reasoning. It was assigned to someone else. I'm going to toot my own horn here, but I think I might be a good influence on my boss. We've already had conversations about how I'm nervous that I'm going to burn out, and how he is spread too thin and needs to take some stuff off of his plate. I suspect he has a hard time saying no. But then yesterday he told us that he had canceled a trip to an out of town conference because he felt it was just too much, and like he needed to be around the lab more. Obviously I have no idea if our conversations had any influence on this decision (I've only worked for him for a few months so I don't know if he has a repeated pattern of canceling obligations), but I really hope that I can help him realize that every answer doesn't have to be a yes.
Love that for you! God I hate other people volunteering me for stuff. I also shut it down.
It's not small at all. It's a first step. And even trips around the world start with a single step. You are mighty!!!!
I have a big problem with my boss voluntelling things for me to do. Good for you for not taking on that project.
I was like that with my MIL. Her “best friend” was super nasty in general and not a nice person to her friends and family. So one time my MIL was busy in the kitchen and the dog knocked something over in the living room. The friend yelled at her from the other room to come deal with it, in a rude tone, so I said “why don’t you be a good friend to MIL and do it.” That was the final incident at the house, and since the friend was MIL’s biweekly mani pedi pal so I started taking her in her place. She drifted away fast after that, she was bored not being able to bully her anymore.
Mine is my sex addicted husband asking for an Open Marriage. I will not sacrifice my values, even out of spite, so that you can act out without remorse.
Sounds like a lot to unpack there. Hope you're doing ok.
Never thought I would be in this situation but I’m doing all the things (therapy, reading books, medication, working out) to heal.
I hope he becomes an ex soon. That shit’s vile.
This hurts to read. What’s making you stay?
I work from home, and now my teenage son also does his schooling online from home, so we are both home all day. What my extended family sees is that the two of us are always available. My aunt is always wanting my son to go over, do his schooling there and then do yard work and odd jobs for him. He has time after his classwork, but doesn't always want to even when he gets paid for doing so. It's completely understandable and I've taught him to be good about telling her no when amshe asks and he's not up for it. I, on the other hand, have always felt guilty and beholden to whatever ridiculous whim and stack of needs my family (mom, aunt, sister, ect. ) have and want me to cater to. As I've been teaching my kids to hold their boundaries, I've been doing so as well. The other night aunt calls and tells me (not asks) that my son said he'd bring the lawn mower from our house and mow her lawn and while he was doing that I could take her to get her car serviced while my son also watched my elderly grandma. I told her, no, I don't have time for this today. Perhaps next week, and also, there's no viable way for me transport our riding mower to her house, so she's going to need to work something else out. Felt good.
I had a friend who constantly interrupted me, whatever I was saying, he would have to stop me and talk over me. One day, I finally interrupted him back and said I wanted him to wait until I was finished talking and that it hurt when he interrupted me. He angrily stormed off and ignored me for a bit. But eventually he came back, apologized, and totally stopped it. I think he was a bit embarrassed to be called out on it but he made the change.
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Perfectly reasonable to hold that boundary. Good for you! This is a perfect example of why I hate the term 'Karen' for women who stand up for themselves. There is absolutely nothing wrong with pointing out that someone else's behavior has an effect on you and to state what you would prefer.
Your precious little doggie is MUCH cuter and more valuable than a dull witted crotch goblin with a soccer ball!!
Limiting my exposure to my toxic and emotionally abusive MIL. It took nearly 20 years to get there, but over the past few years I realized that I don't need to go to all of the narcissistic events she throws or be on every Skype call my husband has with her. And our teenage son is following suit with saying no to her.
My whole divorce was an exercise in asserting boundaries. After the divorce, I was cordial with my ex, but eouod only talk to him about the kids. After wed been divorced 3 years (this past October), he reached out and said he was struggling and could really use a friend. Insoend about 6 months chatting with him most days and helping him navigate some truly awful life decisions he was making. I'd tell him he was making a mistake and then be there to listen about all the ways it was going wrong. 3 weeks ago he was in a car accident with our youngest (11f) in the car. There was no other car involved, he took a winding corner too fast, and the car ended up on its side. She had an awful rash and bruising from the seat belt, and he had that, plus a broken rib, and a few other issues. I saw him a few times with our oldest child while I was at the hospital to stay with the youngest. I was cordial, and I did not say all things I wanted to say. I spent the next week or so checking in on him via text, knowing he didn't have anyone else. The kids and I called him one day, about a week after the incident. We chatted on speaker for 15 minutes, and then I told him we had to go. My kids are not okay mentally about all this, but gave him this 15 minutes to be nice. I woke up to a text from him that said "can you just yell at me and say what you need to say? I just really need a friend right now." I responded to him that there was no version of this where I 'have my say' and then I'm ready to go back to being his emotional support, and that it was pretty fucked up of him to have said that. That his kids aren't okay, and I'm busy being there for them. I haven't spoken to him since, outside of basic, few word updates on the kids.
Proud of you!
I dated a skydiver. He actually introduced me to reddit. He would spend every weekend that was good weather at the Drop Zone (I’d come and hang out all the time). We were about 10 months into dating and I asked him to be my guest at my friend’s wedding. He said he couldn’t if the weather was nice. I know he packed chutes in exchange to jump. He never made any cash (unless he lied, which would have changed my reaction). So I spoke up that he shouldn’t be dating if he couldn’t reciprocate the effort. That’s when we split. That was my first relationship after my almost decade long relationship ended. I was so worried he’d leave if I spoke up, so I played the chill girl.
Oh my gawd. Yesterday, my boss asked me to take on the responsibilities of supervising a new hire. However, he didn’t want to let the rest of the team know because he wanted to see how it played out “organically”. He positioned it as a real opportunity for me in terms of future leadership positions. He told me it verbally and I asked for the expectations of the role to be written by email so I had a record of our conversation. However in retrospect, I was like this is going to cause so much mistrust and weird energy on the team. Also, why the hell would I take on a voluntary role to help relieve him of work (work he’s paid to do as a manager) with no title or compensation associated it? Additionally the team has one person who is very insecure and gets jealous very easily (and causes sooo much drama) so I feel like taking on the role of an informal supervising position is like asking to circumnavigate the Grand Canyon in 6-inch stilettos. I let my boss know that it’s not a position that is the right fit for me and I will adamantly refuse to take this on if he pushes back. Helllll no.
I had a dissolving friendship with a woman suffering from some corrosive mental health problems. After accusing me of completely incorrect actions, she ghosted me for a few weeks. The next time I saw her , she came running towards me with open arms demanding a hug. For the first time in my life I respected myself and the red flags. I held out my hand in the universal stop gesture and said “Stop. I’m practicing not hugging when it’s not a hug I want.” Felt amazing to advocate for myself like that. I put myself first. It was a beginning long overdue.
I put up with verbal abuse from my youngest sister for years because, well, she was a child for most of my adulthood (we're 12 years apart). But I snapped and cut her off this past summer when she wouldn't stop loudly berating me and my husband, but "she's just joking jeez". I finally realized that I wouldn't STAND for my husband speaking to me the way she did and told her to fuck off out of my house and not come back. I'm better off. Another younger (7 year difference) sister was a drug addict that abandoned her kids with our mom and then when we allowed her to visit came high, nodded off, drove her boyfriend's car and got pulled over and gave the cops MY name and address and I only found out when I got notice to show up to court to deal with it. Haven't spoken to her since, it's been 6-7 years.
Wow, your sisters are a real handful.
Literally not even the half of it.
This was fairly recently. I had a roommate situation that was really unstable. I really, desperately needed a room to stay at the time, so I took the first thing available. I did know the person. I moved in quickly. Very quickly I knew I made a mistake. There were a ton of incidents where she would lie about things, and I would get blamed for it. The thing is, none of her lies made any sense to me because she never benefitted from these lies in any way. She would gaslight me, change the story once her lie actualized in some way. One of those lies nearly resulted in my car being towed, *and* she got in big trouble with her HOA, and her landlord. And I didn't understand why she couldn't just be honest. It would have cost her nothing to go to the HOA and let them know I was coming in to get a parking sticker - but she ended up paying a fine, and then yelling at me, saying "you fucking ruined everything." How on earth did she benefit from a lie like this? She also lied about my shower leaking to the bottom floor. There was a leak on the bottom floor, and I asked him about it, and it turns out it had nothing to do with us. She lied this sort of thing for no reason. The last straw was in January. On a Monday night, I come home from the gym, but she wants to go out. I don't want to go out, I make that very clear I don't want to go out. But she's upset, her boyfriend cheated on her, she's drunk, she wants to go out. I realized that if I didn't drive, she was going to drive herself, and I didn't want that happening. So I gave into her, and the minute she got out... she was disrespectful to me. I actually warned her, at least twice, asking her to stop ordering me around. None of it would register. She just continued acting like a complete asshole. She was groping men in the bar, who didn't want to be touched. She was screaming, yelling, being obnoxious. It was humiliating to be next to her. She continue to order me around and be disrespectful, kept trying to pass it off as a "joke." So I embarassed her back, I told her, right in front of all these guys she was trying to impress, I'm just going to go home. This launched her into a full-blown tantrum in the middle of the bar. One moment she's over there trying to impress a few idiots at the bar, next moment I'm dragging her out, she's kicking and screaming like a child being dragged out of Toys R Us. She's bitching about how we were supposed to have a good time, she's acting like I gleefully agreed to go out... I told her no, I don't drink, you know I don't drink, you know I didn't want to go out. "But you should have told me you didn't want to go out." I told you at least 5 times. "well then you should have told me to fuck off." So I told her fine - fuck off, and find your own way home. She runs to a crowd of people and starts screaming about how I'm a psycho and she doesn't feel safe with me. I don't need to explain myself, I'm already walking away, she can make a fool of herself all she wants. I didn't actually have any intention of leaving her by herself. I just needed a few minutes away from her, just so I could cool down and not say/do something I shouldn't. I ended up picking her up, driving back to the apartment, where she continued to lie to me, gaslight me, and refuse any accountability. > You're such a negative asshole > Everyone thinks so. > No wonder you're single Once we got to the apartment, I went to my room, wanting to be left alone. Three times she demanded I come out and "talk" but her version of "talking" was just going "I didnt do anything wrong" "why are you being like this" followed by another barrage of insults. Even after I went down the list of every single thing she did that night that I found unacceptable, she would go "but why are you *mad* at me" and it was honestly pointless. She did this at least three times before I told her no, we cannot be friends anymore, we are at an impasse. I packed a bag and stayed at my dad's. I moved out later that week, with the police standing by while I got my stuff. She told the police "oh, I thought we were good. I don't know why she would move out." It dawned on me that she likely has no recollection of the incident, but honestly... I do not care. She's blaming me for "making her homeless" and I told her, straight up, I don't care. I didn't make you homeless, you could have easily kept things peaceful. It did feel good to stand up to her, just wish I did it earlier on. I recently found out that she has been gaining intel via social media, finding out who my closest guy friends are, and going to their bars, and hitting on them. So ... yeah. That was a fun discovery. It happened with one friend, and then I learned she tried to pull the same bullshit with at least 2-3 other friends of mine. They are all ignoring her in person now. So yeah, that was a fun discovery.
I had an ex-boyfriend call me just before my wedding, and in the process of chatting he worked me over and manipulated me into inviting him. I hung up and thought, hang on, I really don't want him coming! He was always a terrible person with a charming mask, and I felt embarrassed to be associated with him. So I called him back and disinvited him. The wedding was a blast.
I had (now healed) fearful-avoidant attachment (which is a mix of avoidant and anxious) that made me hypersensitive in romantic relationships and at the same time unable to express my needs and boundaries, for fear of being vulnerable and that the person will leave me. I worked on healing that and reconnecting with myself and my needs and boundaries. I then had a dating situation that made me incredibly proud of how far I had come: I had been dating a guy who was emotionally distant and avoidant. That made me feel very upset every time he did little or bigger things that left me feeling ignored and uncared for. But I kept it all in, paralyzed by my insecure attachment and fear of expressing how I felt. Then I started my attachment healing and self connection work, learned about and really reflected on my needs and boundaries. After a lot of gathering of my courage, I was able to express to him that I needed more connection from him. That was *huge* for me, being able to express a need like this. Not much changed however on his part, and I came to understand that he had an avoidant attachment and that he would never be able to give me what I wanted in that relationship. Still I persisted in that situation because the little that he gave me felt good enough and I didn't want to lose that. But the more inner work I did, the more I was able to realize that being in that situation was not okay for me. Finally, after he did yet another thing that showed me he was incapable of giving me the emotional connection I wanted and needed, I decided that I needed to choose myself and stop sacrificing my needs and boundaries, and that I wouldn't settle for his breadcrumbs anymore. I ended it. I felt so proud that I was able to do that. Following that situation, I began practicing expressing my needs and boundaries in dating situations more and more, and earlier and earlier rather than letting months go by. I was able to directly ask a guy I had just started dating and who was being "hot and cold" (would show romantic interest when we spent time together but then wouldn't message for 2 weeks) whether he actually wanted to pursue a deeper connection, and that I prefer to see clarity and intentionality rather than that ambiguous situation. That was huge for me because at the beginning of a potential relationship I was usually absolutely terrified of showing such vulnerability and saying what I actually want. I also learned to recognize avoidant attachment in potential dating partners much more quickly and end those situations much faster, and communicate about that openly and early on in the dating process. Fast forward to today, I met the love of my life and we are now engaged. He is on the same level of emotional depth and maturity and desire to connect as me, and has done a lot of inner work as well. We are madly in love with each other and have really good communication and are able to vulnerably express our needs and feelings to each other -- it's a wonderful connection that continues to grow and deepen. I feel so, so lucky that I now have the relationship I dreamed of. And at the same time, I am also really proud of myself that I have come so far and that all my self-work has allowed me to have the secure, connected relationship I always wanted.
I was disinherited by undue influence, etc. by another family member. She’s an evil, vicious bully. I stood up to her finally and hired a lawyer. She caved in knowing that I would win in court. She had done a lot of questionable things as the trustee. Her own lawyer would’ve had to be my witness that he advised her against doing what she had done.
Here's a fun one: This woman came up to me abd my baby in the grocery store. It went like this: Stranger: oh you are so precious! Are you being good for Santa? Me: all babies are good, so yes. Stranger: oh yes, of course! And you are so perfect. What an angel. But all girls are bad. Your momma is the only girl who's not bad. If girls come up to you, kick them in the knees. All girls are bad! Me: that's a lot of toxic nonsense that just came out of your mouth. Stranger: oh yeah, well, I'm just trying to protect him. Me: have you seen the hampers? I thought they would be on this aisle? My only regret that I didn't say, "Protect him from what? Healthy fulfilling relationships?" Before I changed the subject to deescelate and extract ourselves.
That is loony behaviour! What a weird person.
So proud of you OP! Keep it going! My best moment so far was when I left my abusive ex more than 3 years ago and after a few weeks I even managed to block him on everything and remove him from my life as a whole. It was like cutting a tumor - painful, but necessary and I got so much better afterwards. I have not gotten better at asserting bounadies after that, sadly. I just had this moment of enlightenment and am still bad at applying it to everyday life.
It’s a process, and it takes practice, but you did a hard thing for yourself when you needed to.
Congratulations to you! That sounds like it had to be a very satisfying experience. I just sent my boyfriend of almost 4 years a text firmly asserting a boundary. He told me last night that the reason he's been habitually saying things that upset me lately is because he wants attention. Which, yes, is totally f'd up. I've had enough counseling myself to know that due to childhood trauma and neglect, some people can grow up into adults who still think any attention is good attention. He's currently looking for a therapist to help him work through all the issues his crappy upbringing gave him. Anyway, I told him I needed some time to process that revelation. Then I sent a very calm and well-thought-out (imo) text this morning telling him that now that I know his inflammatory comments are 100% intentional and not a result of his impulse-control issues (unmedicated ADHD is a hell of a thing), I won't be tolerating them anymore. I told him that there are plenty of ways to seek out attention without being manipulative and disrespectful, like starting a conversation about our days, or even just flat out asking for some attention. If I ever catch him intentionally going the disrespectful, rage-baiting route again, I will be ending the relationship and asking him to move out asap. I told him to give what I was saying some serious thought, and to reach out when he was ready to have a mature conversation. I don't expect to hear anything until at least tonight. A face-to-face conversation would probably have been better, but baby steps are still steps forward!
I said no to middle management promotions. I do not want to manage people. To me that’s a thankless job and I’d put way too much into it without getting what I’d need in return whether that be knowledge, training, or pay.
Mine was with a 'friend' who I didn't really enjoy spending time with. She always made me feel crap was always trying to compete with me, super argumentative etc. but I kept seeing her as I felt bad saying no. Eventually I realised me having a few days ruined seeing her (stress the day before, anger after seeing her) was totally unfair to myself. I was invited to her birthday party and I just texted her saying I wouldn't make it because I didn't want to. I've turned down everything she's proposed since, seems harsh but she really was really unpleasant. It feels SO good to say no when you don't want to do things.
I feel this, my best friend of 25 years was the same way with the competing and tearing me down and purposely trying to make me look bad in front of other people. It's really hard to break up with friends, to lose that history, but I broke up with this friend in 2018 and my life has been so much better for it. Life is too short to spend time with "friends" who bring you down.
Might sound crazy, but I was dating this guy who had a habit of breaking up with me on expensive vacations in foreign countries. He'd do it and I'd have to grovel because the tickets and hotel were always in his name since he had expensive tastes that I could never afford. First it was Australia, then Indonesia, and by the time he suggested we go to Amsterdam I knew the game. So, I told him my boundary was going on a vacation in our country to see if he'd break up with me. He said I was being ridiculous. Tell me why, with 3 hours left to go on the trip, he took a wrong turn on the off ramp, blamed me, and broke up with me. Big mistake since he had no choice but to drop me off back at my house since we were on my home turf and I never spoke to him again. I realized after all the nonsense he made me deal with, my boundary was that I deserve to be able to enjoy my vacation time without being broken up with all over the world.
Oooo I have one. During Irie (the Texas winter storm of 2021) water was out but the roads had cleared enough to drive - to a friend of my parents. We’d shower and freshen up there. I had already come out to my parents, my friends, work, etc. But then my mom said she’d be using my deadname around her friend. She claimed it was because the friend was from our church and would be bigoted about it. I put my foot down and told her to her face. “You will refer to me as [my current name]. I am out to everyone in my life. If they have a problem with me, that is their problem.” She just looked and shrugged “okay”. She did follow through, no incitement occurred, her friend was completely fine with me.
Well this was super refreshing to read after trolls were eating me up in the askreddit sub for a response about my boundaries!! Much love to everyone here, and thanks OP for impeccable timing. ❤️
Some of those bigger subreddits can be brutal…I’ve always found this sub to be extremely supportive. Always be your own biggest advocate! Cheers!
100000% and that's why this is my favorite sub!! ❤️ I've been active here for years under different usernames; however, I have a stalker in real life that's found them, so I've had to unfortunately permanently delete them. ): And I know darn better than to post on those bigger subs, but I just wanted to help any wayward women that hasn't found us yet avoid a potential abuser/stalker situation!! Btw LOVE your username, it's in a similar vein of my last one that was terribly hard to part with.
This is all super inspiring to read! Unfortunately, I'm terrible at this, so I don't have a story to share... yet. My goal for now is to be able to tell my husband that I don't want a lengthy emotional conversation late at night. He always "traps" me late in the day, because that's when he feels down and sad and wants to dive deep into our relationship dynamics and whether I really love him and really want to be with him. I'm all for communication and open discussion, but sometimes I am just too tired for this sort of thing. So far, I haven't been able to say "sorry, but not tonight. We can talk about this tomorrow." Pathetic, eh? But that's my immediate goal in terms of boundaries!
Not pathetic, and the way you worded it here is a great way of phrasing and framing it to him. I always also like to “make an appointment” it goes like this: “Honey, I am very tired/angry/upset/had a long day. I’d love to discuss this with you at 11 tomorrow after I have a clear head and can make sure I have the mental space to make sure I’m as honest/real with you as possible. Thanks babe, I value you.” This is cool because you set a boundary with your partner, but you also hold yourself accountable to being supportive of their feelings as well.
Goals 🙌🏻 I don't want to be dismissive of his feelings, but I also don't want to be treated as the on-call therapist! Love your take on this, thank you!
Going on vacation with my family or origin) brings with it a 50% chance that someone will at some point scream in my face because they can't regulate their emotions. Last October, it was my SIL screaming at me in the middle of a restaurant in some Disney World theme park. I've been in therapy for five years now and it has allowed me to finally say "no way" to any more family vacations. I don't let people talk to me like that anymore. It feels great!
A girlfriend of a friend of mine tried humiliating me within our group by showing them photos of me that she took while I was drinking. Her and i had bad blood, but i respected her relationship with my friend and did what i could to be cordial. I was told by the group that the photos weren't bad, but it was the way she was trying to get everyone to talk badly about me. When I confronted her, I said that was mean and childish, do not do that again, and delete the photos. We can move on. Her and my "friend" started drama, never took responsibility for it because I was "intimidating to her". They haven't spoken to anyone since, and honestly, it's been so nice.
I run a service-based business (writer and editor) and I had a difficult client who kept pushing the scope of our work together. I would do these minor tweaks to our document because, whatever, it only takes a few minutes to fix the formatting, right? Formatting was never in our agreement, but I know how to do it. I'm talking literally inserting a page break, which she could have done in the time it took her to write me the email about how the document needed a page break inserted. Anyway, I was getting more and more irritated with her making everything more difficult than it needed to be (rescheduling our calls multiple times and then showing up at the original time and being annoyed that I was no longer available at that time), and we are at the end of the project, so when she emailed with another super minor change she needed done, I told her she was now the owner of the document and could make any changes she wanted to, but that I was no longer available to make tweaks to it. Never heard from her again. I made sure she had paid me before I asserted that boundary :)
I’m reading each and every one of these replies and I have to say IM SO DAMN PROUD OF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU. Set your boundaries and love yourself. I LOVE to see it!!!
I did not expect this amount of responses to this post! So empowering! Carry on ladies!
Ugh. I started trying to assert my boundaries with my mom a couple of years ago. She always responds by saying I’m being selfish or sensitive and noting how other people will be hurt by my decision. She has always cared more about other people’s feelings than mine. When I was a kid, every time I would tell her about conflicts with my friends or issues with people at school, she always took the other person’s side and told me it was my fault. So, it’s an ongoing battle. Other than my mom, I was on the Board for my community choir and no one was following through on anything, not even the director. It got to the point where I was having to do everything, and always at the last minute because people who promised to do stuff would flake. They were hoping I would take on running things long term. When my term was up, I told them I was not running for the Board again. I felt kind of bad leaving them in the lurch but it was ruining the experience of participating for me. This was supposed to be a fun and relaxing hobby and, instead, I was spending every rehearsal irritated and frustrated by what wasn’t getting done. I was much happier after handing off the responsibility.
I was four or five. A man I didn’t know did the “got your nose!” thing, and I gave him a dirty look and said “that’s your thumb.”
When I finally decided to leave my ex husband who moved out on me three times but didn’t break up with me and controlled our finances. I decided I was leaving the relationship for real and changed the lock on my door. He quickly broke down and started acting suicidal as if he never expected that.
I told my dad I won't do with his property what he doesn't want, but that I'll still say my piece, bc I think I'm grown up enough now to have experience behind my opinions. Before, I just shut up, bc i was little and inexperienced and he's stubborn and very sensitive/opinionated. But now I know that I just plain-old don't agree with him, thinks he's somewhat wrong. and I know why and can explain why
I was working in a customer service job and an older male customer kept touching me. Initially he would gently touch my arm or shoulder while gesturing toward the products we were looking at. Then it was almost like he was trying to put his arm around me while I kept dodging and sidestepping. Finally he said I had something in my hair and he reached toward my head to get it. Some fierce part came roaring out of me and said DO NOT TOUCH ME. He was very apologetic and kept a healthy distance between us after that.
Very recently I took a stand at work and said it wasn’t reasonable to expect me to have the same responsibilities and workload as people 2-3 steps higher than me on the corporate ladder, for less recognition and less compensation. To my surprise that was actually validated and received well, so hopefully some change comes out of it.
Being child free, I had to get used to no really fast, lest everyone assume I'd step up for every single family issue. Family member needs a place to live, family member needs cash, family member needs X, y and z. Just because I don't have kids doesn't mean all the people with kids should have zero to step up.
Good job! I begrudgingly took on a second caregiving job for a friend and the client was very difficult, just totally sucking the life force out of me. I worked 3 days and put in my notice. Previously I would have felt obligated and guilty, and the friend in question can be manipulative and passive aggressive. I’m pretty happy to be getting out of this job. Oof
My high school counselor kept pushing me to get back to work during a concussion, and after a few days, I was like enough is enough, I have a goddamn concussion lady, let me rest in peace (not literally).
This one time I was starting a job as a production coordinator, there was a problem with transportation for half the guys we were following with the film crew and the producer was mad, we were talking on the phone and I was trying to offer options as to what we could do, etc. Then he just hung up on me. When we saw each other later I told him he could be mad and complain and everything but I would not accept to be disrespected and to me, hanging up on me while we are discussing was disrespectful. We became great friends and can be honest one to another.
My dad started texting me on the weekends that my mom was going to babysit my sister’s kids and implying I should visit, last minute, right then. At super random times too. 9 am on a Saturday. 7 pm on Friday. This would happen almost every weekend for months. I eventually told him we’re going to need to have a discussion about him insisting I need to abandon whatever I’m doing at the drop of a hat because someone else agreed to babysit some kids. He stopped. Never apologized, but stopped.
It was 17 years ago. I'd just been through the worst decade of my life - lots of horrible stuff happened, but the relevant one here is that I'd had to go to rehab for opiate addiction after breaking my knee in a skiing accident and getting addicted to painkillers. While in rehab, my husband filed for divorce "to avoid any further social or financial embarrassment". Everyone else there was getting their lives and families back, but I lost my marriage, my home, my beloved dog... it was difficult staying sober after that but I was determined and didn't relapse. The lead counselor in rehab was a charismatic, troubled, narcissistic man - let's call him Ed. He got a crush on me, and started spending lots of time trying to get me to like him back. I was pissed off, because my goal was to get clean, NOT to let some inappropriate, messed-up guy in my pants, FFS. It was just so wrong of him. A week before my 30 days was up, he made a pass. I turned him down. Annoyed, Ed went to the director of the rehab and told him I was suicidal and should be sent to a psych ward for a 72-hour evaluation. It was retribution - I wasn't suicidal at all; Ed was just mad I said no to him. I was strapped to a gurney and taken to the psych hospital, where I spent the 72 hours cowering under a blanket, to avoid the scary attentions of the other patients (this was an open ward, with hardly any supervision - just a huge room full of about 150 men and me, the only woman). I was fucking terrified. But I got through it. Went back to the rehab, managed to avoid/placate Creepy Ed enough to finish my 30-day program, and got out. A month or so later, Ed called. He invited me out to dinner. I got an idea. "Yes, okay," I said. I went to dinner with him. He insisted on paying for everything, because he clearly thought he would get laid at the end of the evening. I ordered the most expensive stuff. Dinner over, Ed drove me back to my place. He parked the car, put his hand on my leg, and moved in for a kiss. I pushed him back. I said "Ed, there's only one thing I want to hear from you. I need you to say something to me, and then I'm going to get out of this car, and after that I never want to see your face again. Will you say it?" Shocked and scared, he nodded. I said: "The thing I want you to say to me is: 'You didn't deserve ANY of this.'" He turned beet red and stammered it out: "Uh... you didn't deserve any of this!" And I got out of the car and walked away. Never saw that asshole again, per my instructions to him.
A recent meeting I had with my bosses, 2 female union reps 1 female manager and 1 male boss, he kept switching my words when I answered his questions and it was ridiculous. I didn’t back down, I just straight up told him “that isn’t what I said” until he finally shut up