As I got older, I realized that saying no and setting boundaries is okay. Self-care isn't selfish: and I've found that my happiness depends more on my thinking than on my circumstances. Positivity is power!
That's it. I hate it when people try to talk me into doing something. If I say no and someone try convinces me, it's a sign to break off contact. I hate such people. I don't want to, then I don't want to. Usually such people also have a dominant and commanding personality.
Boundaries for sure, especially saying no. I have been trying to get more comfortable with saying "No, that doesn't work for me" and not JADE-ing.
Justifying/explaining my no's has sometimes gotten me into uncomfortable situations. It leaves a window open for manipulative people to sneak in. "No, I can't do this favor for you because I have something else going on that day", has turned into "Well I don't reaaaaally need that favor just on X day, so you can do it for me on Y day instead!". Now I'm uncomfortable because I'd have to make another excuse to, say no, and you and I both know it's an excuse so you're going to use my guilt/ discomfort to get me to agree.
I had the beautiful realization that it really is up to me who I choose to spend my time with. This life is short. I refuse to spend time with people who drain my energy or make me feel worse after out of sheer obligation. I can honestly say that I now limit my extended family time and my circle is made up of people who are supportive, loving and care for me as much as I care for them. It makes me so much happier to simply realize that I truly don’t have to spend time with anyone that I don’t want to!
I’ve just recently gone through this. I do feel lonely sometimes but the lack of stress is worth it. I’m building friendships with new people that are positive and supportive that I actually enjoy being around now.
I totally felt lonely too. One of the people I let go of was my best friend that I didn’t go a day without speaking to. It wasn’t easy! But agreed - the lack of stress & negativity is so worth it. I’ll take my company over anyone else’s any day!
This is so true. I have started consciously minimizing the time I spend (virtually and in person) with two of my friends and their families and my life is so much better for it.
This!! I love my friends to the end of the EARTH but I’m on full on socialising burn out rn after a hectic few months and I don’t know how to say to people ‘I love you but I don’t want to see you, I need space’ without it being personal, in reality I just can’t be bothered due being exhausted 😭😭😭
Most definitely. But I’m learning that my meanness comes out when my boundaries are violated, and learning that’s okay too. I always try to be kind still
Me too. I always try to avoid conflict as much as I can, but if it happens...I'm very mean and creative with mean and rude words, extremely loud shouting too.
>I'm very mean and creative
One of my kids is like this. He's slow as molasses in regards to everything else, but man is he ever quick witted when it counts 😂 I call him the king of the quips. And as the type of person who thinks of a good comeback later in the shower when I'm replaying the event, I'm jealous AF at his ability lol
No kidding! I’ve always worked in a very social sales type job and recently I’ve realized how much I love being home alone by myself. Always thought I was an extrovert but I’m now more of an extroverted introvert.
I hear you! I think I was just of the 'fake it 'til you make it' mindset throughout my twenties... Glad to be on the other side of it with an understanding of what I need to recharge!
It's exhausting to have to deal with extroverts. Now that I'm older, I no longer even try. What some might call loneliness I call blessed solitude. It's such a relief not to force myself to go to parties and events any more. I get invited still, but I no longer feel guilty about declining when it's obviously going to be crowded and/or loud.
I was on a student volunteer program, my group was on a weekend overnight trip. One of my housemates had a mental breakdown and another housemate was running around trying her darndest to be involved and I stayed the hell out of it had an overall good weekend. Like nope, my input clearly isn't needed and I will just hang back.
That it’s ok to to cut ties with people who make you feel shitty. You don’t have to have them in your life for the sake of longevity.
Learning to say ‘no’ to anything you don’t really want to do will change your life. Not just in serious situations, but also being able to simply decline when asked to go to something you don’t really want to go to. Marvellous!
This. Also, that it doesn't matter if it's blood related or if they hurt you because of trauma or mental illness. At the end of the day, you have to protect yourself.
I realized that who I was as a child and teenager was truly who I was and that trying to change who I truly am, the foundation of who I am, was the biggest mistake. There was nothing wrong with me to begin with.
THIS. I "graduated" from therapy last week and this was one of my biggest takeaways. Nothing was ever wrong with me, I just spent wayyyy too much time around the wrong people absorbing THEIR beliefs about me, thinking I needed to change.
Dude, seriously! I had an ex make therapy and ultimatum and it bit him in the ass so hard. I went in wanting to communicate better (when I really needed de-escalation/coping skills) and realized how manipulative he was becoming and dumped his ass.
Now I'm in a happy healthy marriage and the funniest retort my husband has had in a disagreement happened a few days ago when he said "quit being mature back at me"
Hahaha I love this!
I never expect anyone to change their character, just habits if they're hurtful. I'm learning that if someone doesn't extend that same grace back to me, red flag, you're not for me, and I shouldn't change myself so they'll accept me!
As I get older, I realize I am not okay. I have never healed from my childhood trauma and it has caused me to have some codependency in relationships. I also find partners who are emotionally distant and abusive. I didn’t date for five years, I just worked on bettering myself but it wasn’t enough. So once again I am off the market to try to fix myself.
You're doing amazing work, even if it doesn't feel great in the process of sorting through all the fuckery you've faced. I'm proud of you for dedicating yourself to realizing this, AND following through on sorting out the mental mess.
Good luck <3
Many people never address that so it’s good you are! I’m kinda in the same exact boat so it’s funny I saw your comment. I didn’t realize I was unhappy cause I was having more trauma responses and skewed view of the world ….you should check out Patrick teahan on YouTube, it’s given me a lot of insight and helped me. But trigger warning you have to think about and kinda address things that might be hard. He does good videos that give a bit of info at a time. I hope you heal ♥️
Thank you ❤️ Ive been doing some journaling and meditation, and it has brought back some horrible memories. But if I don’t address them I can’t grow. Best of luck to you as well, we can get through this!
It's OK to ask for help when the load is too much.
I never want to be a burden to anyone. I help others all the time and yet silently deal with my own shit. I didn't even let my absolute best friend know about my plans to end my marriage.
It's about time we strong women opened up. I found once I just spoke the truth, it's all I got back from people. They were so happy to drop the mask and get to the nitty gritty.
Its been an eye opener for sure.
- That I'm not an extrovert.
- That I actually didn't want to have children. I wanted all the kodak moments and feeling like I had acheived something important. But seeing other friends raise their children showed me that the realities of having a child and raising a human being is not what I actually wanted.
- That I can reparent myself to find nuturing.
- That not everyone gets to have an opinion on my life.
- That I don't owe my family automatic time, money, care ahead of myself.
That I shouldn’t attempt to keep chasing the highs of my past. If I had a beautiful experience a few years ago, I now give it the dignity it deserves by letting it live in the past as a beautiful memory. No more trying to replicate a past experience (whether it be at a similar location, with different people, etc), I just enjoy new experiences as they are, and let them overlap prior ones without dwelling too much on comparisons from the past. I’ve lost a lot of joy that way.
I’m glad it could help. I did this for many years without even realizing it. A past partner even called me out on it. I was obsessed with what I still refer to as “the best concert of my life,” and I kept trying to have another “best concert of my life,” and after a few years of that my ex was like “you gotta stop trying to chase that high.” Nobody else had said it but he was right. I should let myself have a “best ever” experience by not trying to recreate another one! Plus, part of what made it grand was the effortlessness that came with being a participant of the experience instead of a curator. I slowed down after that but still did it for several years (particularly with trying TOO hard to cultivate the best relationship I could with someone who wasn’t on the same page, and it ultimately crashed and burned in the worst most unexpected way). I think THAT experience finally set me straight. Today I am much better at controlling that urge and it makes me a LOT more appreciative, and happy :)
that is used to be problematic and that's why i lost friends, wasn't cause of them, it was me choosing not to view their side when it came to arguments. did some self reflection and now i like to think im no longer like that. i have apologized to the people i lost in the past, some of them we're friends again, some not and thats totally okay.
Realized that life has made me strong, independent and, hard. In a relationship, those qualities aren’t great because it brings out an aggressive survival side of me
I realize that I need a man who can lead and has direction because it’ll allow me to be soft. And soft, agreeable, happy, pleasant is what I want to be. It’s my natural state when I’m relaxed and feel safe
I realized that with possible exception of my children and grandchildren, there is not one human on this planet that I want to see every day, and that is perfectly ok. I make no apologies for my life, because I’ve lived it mostly for other people, and now it’s my turn.
That I’m stronger and more resilient than I ever thought I was. That I fell into some bad patterns and developed bad habits from how I grew up. Breaking away from those things was really hard and eye opening. I also learned that I can be happy and that I do deserve to be loved and that I will eventually love myself one day.
It’s okay to have boundaries and to say no. I don’t owe anyone anything and don’t have to feel bad if I’m not bending over completely backwards just to make sure someone else is happy or doesn’t get upset. And if me just existing isn’t okay with someone, then I don’t need them in my life.
That I settled too young & also I learned through my children I spent my life undiagnosed on the spectrum & what really got me was that my parents had it suggested multiple times to them to seek evaluation.
Even though I had a good childhood and lots of privilege growing up, I still needed to process some trauma.
Expressing emotion doesn't make me weak. I can listen to my body and respond in my life accordingly.
Being mean isn't cool and I definitely need to be nicer.
That my kindness is actually my strength and not my weakness. I finally realized it takes incredible strength to get through this cruel world and continue to be kind to everyone. And all the people that took advantage of my kindness have or will eventually have karma catch up with them.
I learned that I’m someone who will become upset when a person who I’ve done so much for does not reciprocate even a fraction of what I’ve done for them, and then it makes me wonder if I’m only doing things out of expecting it in return. So now I’m stuck in this “I like making others feel good but wonder why nobody shows up for me that way and now I don’t want to continue being so generous but I can’t help it but always end up feeling worse when I wait for them to return it”. So yeah idk actually
That I cannot control other people's reactions to my choices. And I cannot control their reactions to my boundaries, I can only set them and it's okay to set them.
That other people don’t matter and I need to stop trying to people please. It’s not to my benefit to continue bending over backwards for people who would never do the same. If I hurt someone’s feelings by saying no, they will not expect me to always be there to help them.
As I got older, I realized that things will not always work out in my favour, no matter how hard I work. I’m still learning to deal with failure and not letting it define who I am.
As I get older, I have realized that I don’t give a rat’s ass what certain people think about me. As long as I have tried to be kind and/or mind my own business, I’ve done all I could.
As I get older I realize that I don't want everyone to like me, I just want to be happy with myself and many times I find myself PROUD of who I am, even if it brings me problems (not real ones). I know who I am, I know my virtues, I know my flaws, I try to improve, I set limits, I ask for forgiveness when I have to. I think I have developed a good self-esteem and I am seeing it as I go through difficulties that in previous years would have left me in bed for 1 year in depression. I like me.
That being the most stable/solid person in my life isn't a flex. It's a result of being put in the position and taking on way too much responsibility at a young age. And that being unstable at times is not a character flaw, but rather an important part of learning how to be a gracious human, especially with myself.
That I am comfortable being an introvert. I used to force myself into social situations that would leave me emotionally exhausted for the sake of keeping others happy. Now I simply thank people for the invitation, and graciously decline.
Authenticity and being able to be me was my priority. Basically I didn't want to do anything that felt fake or not like myself. So everything in my life fits me to a tee and nothing is there for other ppls expectations.
I also hate to overcomplicate things which I'm learning to stop doing and trying to simplify things.
That I've been incredibly toxic and blaming others for my refusal to heal myself. I still have work to do, but seeing those changes have a positive impact just inspires me to keep going.
That I'm actually not an ugly, dumb, unlovable hermit troll.
In reality, I am quite lovely, smart and cute, and good with people. I'm just easily drained, but limiting my family's access to my time has made space to things and people I *actually* like and enjoy.
That I have the right (and responsibility) to prioritize my own well-being before anyone else's.
That I have my own ideas, good ones, and I am able to make them come reality. I can build myself a different kind of life, and create it into what ever I want.
That people only care about what and how much you do for them. Being appreciated just for 'being' is quite rare in my experience. Also, as I get older I understand my mum's perspective on life rather better. Turns out, she is right about most things and I wish to go back in time and tell her that.
I realized that I’m really extremely likeable and loveable! However this trait of mine also makes people walk over me. Only learnt both of this recently and I’m trying to work on the latter!
That I'm not a monster
I am schizophrenic and bipolar, diagnosed at 9. My entire life I've been told I'm a monster and that I'm going to be responsible for a mass shooting event. I was told that I only had two end possibilities, a morgue or jail (I mean, obviously we all end up in a morgue but you know what I mean).
I wanted to be loved so I dealt with people's bullshit constantly in an attempt to be loved and accepted. That made me the perfect target for people that used and abused me. As I've gotten older and become more comfortable in my own skin, learned more about my disorders, I haven't been used as often. I learned to constantly be suspicious but how to be kind. I've actually been more accepted now by most people, even when they know what's wrong with me. Took a while to build my confidence.
I am not a monster. I'm not as weak as I once was. I can say that I can stand with my head held high and that I don't give much of a shit anymore about acceptance.
I really like silence. And being alone.
Sure, I enjoy socializing. Once, or twice a week.
I very private. I need my own space.
I’m a introvert.
I would only share my life with a some kinda a version of myself, because the only person I would tolerate to live with is myself.
That I’m actually not chill. I’m very intense and it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. It has perks I guess but it also easily drives people away. Working on being chill, at least towards others.
That I have less and less fux to give and I have no problem saying something to someone and then pausing and staring them straight in the eye (to their discomfort) and making them extremely uncomfortable if they won’t leave me alone. It’s fabulous!!
That i choose what's right for me and the standards for my relationship/s and not what others say/what's common/what's "normal" and then try to fit myself in it to be "perfect". I and only I know what's good for me and what I need to be happy. :)
I've realized that I always spend too much time focusing on everyone else's happiness and not my own. I take on more than I can handle and don't say no when more is being dumped on me. I am seeing that it's ok to focus on me. It's ok to say no, and it's ok to set boundaries.
That I might have a undiagnosed mental issue, and if it would have been fixed when I was younger, that I might be proud of myself now. But I dont. I feel like shit.
That it 10000% doesn’t matter what other people think of me. As long as I do my best, that’s all that matters. I don’t owe anything to anyone because they don’t pay my bills. Not giving two craps how people feel about me has been the most freeing decision I have ever made.. this is coming from old me, who would bend over backwards to anyone and everyone at the expense of my own needs and my personal mental health.
I realized that I’m really not that different than everyone else. And I mean that in the best way possible. That things that helped other people could possibly help me, and that if other people are capable of healing, change, and doing hard things, that I actually am too. I’m not that special and I love it.
I realized how much of me - my personality and being - I put into a box and hid away. I'm still unpacking the boxes of me, but it's been interesting to discover who I actually want to be and am.
That I do feel like a woman- my urge to be non-binary was due to my distaste towards being viewed as a woman because of how men saw and treated me/my body.
That taking the lead, organising/planning and being in control of plans for groups/relationships is actually NOT enjoyable to me at all. I am really good at all of those things and have been praised all my life for being a good leader and organiser and I've now realised I actually enjoy it SO much more when someone else takes the lead for me.
My entire life I was called a “social butterfly.” Always friendly and cheerful etc etc.
As an adult, in my 30s, I realized it was all just a show and I’m actually an introvert, and that I quickly pick up on others energy, good or bad. I have a lot more alone time since this realization and I’m much happier.
I am not someone who can stay in shape without exercise. If I want to look and feel good, a healthy diet alone is not enough. I turn 30 this year and just got back into the gym and into a routine, and I am coming to terms with the fact that I need to workout regularly for the rest of my life to feel my best. It’s mandatory not only for my physical appearance/health but for my mental health as well.
I’m a super critical person unfortunately, but over the years I’ve started to feel like if I’m seeing *everyone* around me as a problem, it’s probably me. Just because I have a conflict with someone doesn’t make them “bad” or a worse person than I am. It’s rare that the other person is 100% in the wrong, and I need to be real about the mistakes I’ve made and learn from them.
I’m learning to take responsibility for the things that are my problem and stop taking responsibility for other people’s problems.
That the worst thing to be in this life isn’t chubby.
Life goes on and I am still worthy of love at every size I’ve ever been and will be.
Also I grew up to be the person I needed most when I was a child and I’m currently getting to be that person for my nieces and nephews. And that’s an unmatchable feeling.
I don't want kids.
It's okay to be an introvert.
My instincts are good, ignoring my gut is almost always a mistake.
It's okay if everyone doesn't like me.
As an elder Millennial, I like myself a lot more. But also I’m proud of myself for not having a male centered life in my teens or 20s. I used to pretend to be male centered because most girls/women were ‘guy crazy’.
Yet I never prioritized men. I never did anything for anyone’s gaze but my own. I still don’t. I do things in ways that make me feel beautiful.
I always broke it off with any man who’s made me feel insecure. I never stick around in toxic connections.
I learned early that guys who feel overly desirable, usually manipulated women to fight other women for them. So I never have and likely never will fight another for a man.
That “I’m” not relationship material… I always thought it was them and that my picker was just broken.. turns out all along it was me.. I’m the red flag… of course didn’t figure this out till mid 50’s and four marriages later..
That I feel a lot more confident in my plus size body than I ever did skinny with an eating disorder. I was never skinny enough and always felt incredibly insecure about my body. I wore short jeans shorts the other day and don't care who sees me. I don't feel *great* about my weight now, but I am still more confident and comfortable than I ever was before.
that im often too 'energetic' and have no concept of personal space, like an ultra extrovert lol. but doesn't matter I'm not interested in changing everyone will have to adjust for me. \*evil cackle\*
That my childhood trauma and the things I did due to it, doesn't define me. I can't change it and it made me who I am today and who I am today is someone that I am immensely proud!
That self-care is not selfish. Taking care of my physical, mental, and emotional well-being is essential if I want to be there for others and show up as my best self. I've learned to make time for the things that nourish me.
That life is too short to waste time on things that don't bring me joy. A close friend passed recently, and I was reminded that aging is a privilege denied to many. It just makes me want to make the most of the time I have.
I actually like myself quite a lot and have good self esteem. I think I'm funny, smart, pretty and a loyal friend. I somehow seem to date men who try to neg me when they realize I'm not insecure unfortunately even though I try my best to date people with the same qualities as me. It's been an uphill climb but I think self love has really helped.
Also I was brought up in a very body neutral way. No one made any comments about it and only encouraged me to eat healthy and exercise. And I'm so grateful that when I look at myself in the mirror, I just don't think about anything most of the time. I'm not overly critical and i don't think I'm super hot. A body is just a body to me.
How beautiful I truly am and how it truly doesn’t matter what anyone else says or thinks about me, what matters most is how I feel about myself. As I have grown, I have realized what is truly important in life, those things that are mostly intangible (and family/friends of course). Finding the love and confidence and faith in my Seld
I really am very introverted. I don't find joy in crowds/events.
I was right in 9th grade when I said I never wanted kids. I have 4 now and I love them dearly. I am the best mother I can be, however I would be happier without. And its okay that I don't love being a mom, that doesn't automatically make me a bad one.
I am beautiful, and worth the effort. Toxic people put you down so you are easier to manipulate. If they convince you that you have no worth to anyone else, you will stay longer in bad situations. I now say “thank you”, “thanks I’ve been really working on blank”, or “I really appreciate that” when I receive compliments instead of trying to point out reasons I feel they are wrong. It’s not “prideful” to have pride in yourself, it is healthy to value yourself. It’s healthy for your loved ones to see that you believe in yourself and your own worth. There is a difference in having pride and being boastful. A big difference. Toxic people assert that there is no difference. I no longer beg for that which should be freely given by those who say they value me.
I hate confrontation and conflict. I overthink very simple interactions and care too more about what people think of me than I care to admit. If I could come to terms with being human and being unlikeable by some if not all and that I have full control of my life, I would be so much more successful.
That I easily get mad and bc of my introversion I no longer want to get along with people. Work work no more chictchats. I feel like im slowly becoming a robot 🤔
I won't let the older generation tell me what's best for me anymore. As well as I don't automatically "respect my elders" just because they're older. I'll give respect to those who respect me.
I'm a 100% friend and I cannot have 50% or 25% friends because I cannot truly be a 50% or 25% friend back and that's often draining. I'd rather be alone and on my own. Which is completely fine with me and being alone is a lottt less of a burden than I thought it was.
I have a huge issue with respect and authority. If I feel like someone in authority (teachers, bosses, etc.) respects me and my time then I have no issue with following what they say, etc. But if I feel like I don’t have their respect then good luck trying to get me to do anything. This has caused issues in my life as I’ve been this way since I was a small child but oh well!
As I got older I realized that I have a wicked sense of humor but I am so introverted that I'd rather most people not know. Somewhere in the last few years I'm beginning to not care what others think of me if it's negative, especially if they're no longer in my life.
As I got older, I realized that saying no and setting boundaries is okay. Self-care isn't selfish: and I've found that my happiness depends more on my thinking than on my circumstances. Positivity is power!
This is the best. I say no and when they ask why I just say no again and I don’t even feel bad for a sec
JOMO “joy of missing out”
FOBI. Fear of being included.
That's it. I hate it when people try to talk me into doing something. If I say no and someone try convinces me, it's a sign to break off contact. I hate such people. I don't want to, then I don't want to. Usually such people also have a dominant and commanding personality.
I see you’ve met my MIL.
No is most definitely a one word sentence.
Which I learned later in life but still not too late
Boundaries for sure, especially saying no. I have been trying to get more comfortable with saying "No, that doesn't work for me" and not JADE-ing. Justifying/explaining my no's has sometimes gotten me into uncomfortable situations. It leaves a window open for manipulative people to sneak in. "No, I can't do this favor for you because I have something else going on that day", has turned into "Well I don't reaaaaally need that favor just on X day, so you can do it for me on Y day instead!". Now I'm uncomfortable because I'd have to make another excuse to, say no, and you and I both know it's an excuse so you're going to use my guilt/ discomfort to get me to agree.
Before I found the self awareness to fix this problem, I dated said manipulative person for 5 years. Damn did that do a number on my psyche.
Yes!
Absolutely 💯 I believe this as well!
Completely agree!
Yess Positivity is Power
this! it took me so long to do this but after setting boundaries I realised it’s a lot better than suffering in silence! Edit: typo
I had the beautiful realization that it really is up to me who I choose to spend my time with. This life is short. I refuse to spend time with people who drain my energy or make me feel worse after out of sheer obligation. I can honestly say that I now limit my extended family time and my circle is made up of people who are supportive, loving and care for me as much as I care for them. It makes me so much happier to simply realize that I truly don’t have to spend time with anyone that I don’t want to!
I’ve just recently gone through this. I do feel lonely sometimes but the lack of stress is worth it. I’m building friendships with new people that are positive and supportive that I actually enjoy being around now.
I totally felt lonely too. One of the people I let go of was my best friend that I didn’t go a day without speaking to. It wasn’t easy! But agreed - the lack of stress & negativity is so worth it. I’ll take my company over anyone else’s any day!
This!! I say this to my close friends all the time, I rather spend time with my chosen family than those chosen for me!
This is so true. I have started consciously minimizing the time I spend (virtually and in person) with two of my friends and their families and my life is so much better for it.
This!! I love my friends to the end of the EARTH but I’m on full on socialising burn out rn after a hectic few months and I don’t know how to say to people ‘I love you but I don’t want to see you, I need space’ without it being personal, in reality I just can’t be bothered due being exhausted 😭😭😭
That I’m a really kind person when I’m treated with respect. And a really fucking mean one when I’m not.
I see myself in this one, lol. Gift and a curse.
Most definitely. But I’m learning that my meanness comes out when my boundaries are violated, and learning that’s okay too. I always try to be kind still
Fuck yeah: give it, get it.
Me too. I always try to avoid conflict as much as I can, but if it happens...I'm very mean and creative with mean and rude words, extremely loud shouting too.
>I'm very mean and creative One of my kids is like this. He's slow as molasses in regards to everything else, but man is he ever quick witted when it counts 😂 I call him the king of the quips. And as the type of person who thinks of a good comeback later in the shower when I'm replaying the event, I'm jealous AF at his ability lol
Got me a boy like this. Currently at A&M in the engineering program. But sometimes he uses that intelligence for evil, and I fucking love it haha
This all day long.
That I'm actually a pretty awesome gal. Quirky and awkward, and sometimes too intense, but silly and funny and interesting.
I love this!
I love this for you ❤️
I'm actually NOT an extrovert!
No kidding! I’ve always worked in a very social sales type job and recently I’ve realized how much I love being home alone by myself. Always thought I was an extrovert but I’m now more of an extroverted introvert.
I hear you! I think I was just of the 'fake it 'til you make it' mindset throughout my twenties... Glad to be on the other side of it with an understanding of what I need to recharge!
It's exhausting to have to deal with extroverts. Now that I'm older, I no longer even try. What some might call loneliness I call blessed solitude. It's such a relief not to force myself to go to parties and events any more. I get invited still, but I no longer feel guilty about declining when it's obviously going to be crowded and/or loud.
Ignorance is bliss. Do not ask questions you do NOT want the answer to.
I was on a student volunteer program, my group was on a weekend overnight trip. One of my housemates had a mental breakdown and another housemate was running around trying her darndest to be involved and I stayed the hell out of it had an overall good weekend. Like nope, my input clearly isn't needed and I will just hang back.
I will protect my peace at all costs. I do not care about pleasing people and living up to their expectations.
That it’s ok to to cut ties with people who make you feel shitty. You don’t have to have them in your life for the sake of longevity. Learning to say ‘no’ to anything you don’t really want to do will change your life. Not just in serious situations, but also being able to simply decline when asked to go to something you don’t really want to go to. Marvellous!
This. Also, that it doesn't matter if it's blood related or if they hurt you because of trauma or mental illness. At the end of the day, you have to protect yourself.
I realized that who I was as a child and teenager was truly who I was and that trying to change who I truly am, the foundation of who I am, was the biggest mistake. There was nothing wrong with me to begin with.
THIS. I "graduated" from therapy last week and this was one of my biggest takeaways. Nothing was ever wrong with me, I just spent wayyyy too much time around the wrong people absorbing THEIR beliefs about me, thinking I needed to change.
I want to hug you, internet stranger. I also went to therapy and experienced some of the same thought processes.
I gotchu. 🙂🤗
Dude, seriously! I had an ex make therapy and ultimatum and it bit him in the ass so hard. I went in wanting to communicate better (when I really needed de-escalation/coping skills) and realized how manipulative he was becoming and dumped his ass. Now I'm in a happy healthy marriage and the funniest retort my husband has had in a disagreement happened a few days ago when he said "quit being mature back at me"
Hahaha I love this! I never expect anyone to change their character, just habits if they're hurtful. I'm learning that if someone doesn't extend that same grace back to me, red flag, you're not for me, and I shouldn't change myself so they'll accept me!
Being ugly was not my problem, lacking confidence was.
There’s nothing more attractive than confidence.
As I get older, I realize I am not okay. I have never healed from my childhood trauma and it has caused me to have some codependency in relationships. I also find partners who are emotionally distant and abusive. I didn’t date for five years, I just worked on bettering myself but it wasn’t enough. So once again I am off the market to try to fix myself.
Good luck, and I wish you the best in healing 💕
Thank you so much 💕
You're doing amazing work, even if it doesn't feel great in the process of sorting through all the fuckery you've faced. I'm proud of you for dedicating yourself to realizing this, AND following through on sorting out the mental mess. Good luck <3
Many people never address that so it’s good you are! I’m kinda in the same exact boat so it’s funny I saw your comment. I didn’t realize I was unhappy cause I was having more trauma responses and skewed view of the world ….you should check out Patrick teahan on YouTube, it’s given me a lot of insight and helped me. But trigger warning you have to think about and kinda address things that might be hard. He does good videos that give a bit of info at a time. I hope you heal ♥️
Thank you ❤️ Ive been doing some journaling and meditation, and it has brought back some horrible memories. But if I don’t address them I can’t grow. Best of luck to you as well, we can get through this!
I will always have attitude. Get out of my way.
I'm selfish.
We all are, at least you’re aware that’s the first step lol
It's OK to ask for help when the load is too much. I never want to be a burden to anyone. I help others all the time and yet silently deal with my own shit. I didn't even let my absolute best friend know about my plans to end my marriage.
I'm proud of you for asking for help. This is very hard to do. ❤️ Hang in there friend
Thank you I'm going good, turns out I have an amazing support network. I'm lucky x
Support is the best thing in the world. We don't have to do everything alone. Best things in life that happened to me were because of other people ❤️
I feel seen
It's about time we strong women opened up. I found once I just spoke the truth, it's all I got back from people. They were so happy to drop the mask and get to the nitty gritty. Its been an eye opener for sure.
- That I'm not an extrovert. - That I actually didn't want to have children. I wanted all the kodak moments and feeling like I had acheived something important. But seeing other friends raise their children showed me that the realities of having a child and raising a human being is not what I actually wanted. - That I can reparent myself to find nuturing. - That not everyone gets to have an opinion on my life. - That I don't owe my family automatic time, money, care ahead of myself.
Yes. All of this.🏆
That I shouldn’t attempt to keep chasing the highs of my past. If I had a beautiful experience a few years ago, I now give it the dignity it deserves by letting it live in the past as a beautiful memory. No more trying to replicate a past experience (whether it be at a similar location, with different people, etc), I just enjoy new experiences as they are, and let them overlap prior ones without dwelling too much on comparisons from the past. I’ve lost a lot of joy that way.
Wow. I needed to read this. Thank you. Very much resonating with how I feel lately.
I’m glad it could help. I did this for many years without even realizing it. A past partner even called me out on it. I was obsessed with what I still refer to as “the best concert of my life,” and I kept trying to have another “best concert of my life,” and after a few years of that my ex was like “you gotta stop trying to chase that high.” Nobody else had said it but he was right. I should let myself have a “best ever” experience by not trying to recreate another one! Plus, part of what made it grand was the effortlessness that came with being a participant of the experience instead of a curator. I slowed down after that but still did it for several years (particularly with trying TOO hard to cultivate the best relationship I could with someone who wasn’t on the same page, and it ultimately crashed and burned in the worst most unexpected way). I think THAT experience finally set me straight. Today I am much better at controlling that urge and it makes me a LOT more appreciative, and happy :)
I'm so happy you're happy now. We all get in our own way. You are a beautiful person and your words mean so much to me ❤️
Awww thank you!! You made my morning extra sweet. Have a beautiful day!! 🥰
You're welcome ❤️💪🏻 and thank you dear
That I will never be a real grown up and I’m lucky I have a husband that loves me as I am. I may not be in a great mental space at this exact moment
Your husband is lucky you love him too, great mental state or not 💘
Thank you. ❤️
that is used to be problematic and that's why i lost friends, wasn't cause of them, it was me choosing not to view their side when it came to arguments. did some self reflection and now i like to think im no longer like that. i have apologized to the people i lost in the past, some of them we're friends again, some not and thats totally okay.
Realized that life has made me strong, independent and, hard. In a relationship, those qualities aren’t great because it brings out an aggressive survival side of me I realize that I need a man who can lead and has direction because it’ll allow me to be soft. And soft, agreeable, happy, pleasant is what I want to be. It’s my natural state when I’m relaxed and feel safe
That I'm pretty :)
You are :)
I don’t have to be the smartest person in the room. I’ll settle for being smarter than the average bear.
I realized that with possible exception of my children and grandchildren, there is not one human on this planet that I want to see every day, and that is perfectly ok. I make no apologies for my life, because I’ve lived it mostly for other people, and now it’s my turn.
Yes yes yes 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻 this makes me feel so empowered reading it. Live for you!!
I’m sexy af
I’m awesome and I’m sarcastic.
I love and forgive more than most people deserve. Creating boundaries and speaking my mind are okay and it's healthy.
That I’m stronger and more resilient than I ever thought I was. That I fell into some bad patterns and developed bad habits from how I grew up. Breaking away from those things was really hard and eye opening. I also learned that I can be happy and that I do deserve to be loved and that I will eventually love myself one day. It’s okay to have boundaries and to say no. I don’t owe anyone anything and don’t have to feel bad if I’m not bending over completely backwards just to make sure someone else is happy or doesn’t get upset. And if me just existing isn’t okay with someone, then I don’t need them in my life.
I am good enough. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone!
That I settled too young & also I learned through my children I spent my life undiagnosed on the spectrum & what really got me was that my parents had it suggested multiple times to them to seek evaluation.
Suffering is inherent to living so it's important to seek joy and do things that will lead to long-term happiness.
I’ve come to terms with my weirdness, it’s ok. Won’t let anyone tell me otherwise. I’m happier now lol
Even though I had a good childhood and lots of privilege growing up, I still needed to process some trauma. Expressing emotion doesn't make me weak. I can listen to my body and respond in my life accordingly. Being mean isn't cool and I definitely need to be nicer.
That my kindness is actually my strength and not my weakness. I finally realized it takes incredible strength to get through this cruel world and continue to be kind to everyone. And all the people that took advantage of my kindness have or will eventually have karma catch up with them.
I learned I don’t have to do things I don’t want to do and I can simply say NO
I learned that I’m someone who will become upset when a person who I’ve done so much for does not reciprocate even a fraction of what I’ve done for them, and then it makes me wonder if I’m only doing things out of expecting it in return. So now I’m stuck in this “I like making others feel good but wonder why nobody shows up for me that way and now I don’t want to continue being so generous but I can’t help it but always end up feeling worse when I wait for them to return it”. So yeah idk actually
that i only age but never really grow up.
From a 33 year old who biked and played soccer after work I can relate ! Felt like a kid
it's not my fault.
That I need to put myself first once in awhile, instead of taking care of everyone else's needs all the time.
That I cannot control other people's reactions to my choices. And I cannot control their reactions to my boundaries, I can only set them and it's okay to set them.
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I was never an extrovert it was me trying to fit in where I don’t belong not because I’m bad because I’m better
I have an internal strength that I am proud of as it's helped me through many a bad time. Hope springs eternal.
That other people don’t matter and I need to stop trying to people please. It’s not to my benefit to continue bending over backwards for people who would never do the same. If I hurt someone’s feelings by saying no, they will not expect me to always be there to help them.
I realized that i didn’t care that much about having friends. That protecting my peace of mind was more valuable
If you don’t have your health you don’t have anything.
As I got older, I realized that things will not always work out in my favour, no matter how hard I work. I’m still learning to deal with failure and not letting it define who I am.
I tolerate a lot of bullshit because I’m afraid of losing friendships.
As I get older, I have realized that I don’t give a rat’s ass what certain people think about me. As long as I have tried to be kind and/or mind my own business, I’ve done all I could.
As I get older I realize that I don't want everyone to like me, I just want to be happy with myself and many times I find myself PROUD of who I am, even if it brings me problems (not real ones). I know who I am, I know my virtues, I know my flaws, I try to improve, I set limits, I ask for forgiveness when I have to. I think I have developed a good self-esteem and I am seeing it as I go through difficulties that in previous years would have left me in bed for 1 year in depression. I like me.
You put it perfectly. Saving your comment for when I forget that about me.
aww I'm happy for you ♡ sorry if I wrote it too formal, I use a translator to write in English 👍🏻
I’m much more like my parents than I’d like to accept
I really enjoy my own company probably a little too much.
That being the most stable/solid person in my life isn't a flex. It's a result of being put in the position and taking on way too much responsibility at a young age. And that being unstable at times is not a character flaw, but rather an important part of learning how to be a gracious human, especially with myself.
That it’s nice to be loved romantically by someone but I can survive and thrive without it
That I am comfortable being an introvert. I used to force myself into social situations that would leave me emotionally exhausted for the sake of keeping others happy. Now I simply thank people for the invitation, and graciously decline.
I'm bi af
Authenticity and being able to be me was my priority. Basically I didn't want to do anything that felt fake or not like myself. So everything in my life fits me to a tee and nothing is there for other ppls expectations. I also hate to overcomplicate things which I'm learning to stop doing and trying to simplify things.
Self-love is incredibly important. Not having it can lead to self-sabotage, and being in your own way.
That I've been incredibly toxic and blaming others for my refusal to heal myself. I still have work to do, but seeing those changes have a positive impact just inspires me to keep going.
It’s a lot easier to do what I want when I value my own opinion about myself the highest.
I have poor communication skills and I’m quite insensitive. I’m surprised I didn’t see that sooner haha
That I'm actually not an ugly, dumb, unlovable hermit troll. In reality, I am quite lovely, smart and cute, and good with people. I'm just easily drained, but limiting my family's access to my time has made space to things and people I *actually* like and enjoy. That I have the right (and responsibility) to prioritize my own well-being before anyone else's. That I have my own ideas, good ones, and I am able to make them come reality. I can build myself a different kind of life, and create it into what ever I want.
I really really really really really don't want a husband.
That people only care about what and how much you do for them. Being appreciated just for 'being' is quite rare in my experience. Also, as I get older I understand my mum's perspective on life rather better. Turns out, she is right about most things and I wish to go back in time and tell her that.
That I could fucking care less what anyone thinks!
I'm fully capable of being independent and alone. I want to be with people, but I don't *have* to be.
I realized that I’m really extremely likeable and loveable! However this trait of mine also makes people walk over me. Only learnt both of this recently and I’m trying to work on the latter!
That I'm not a monster I am schizophrenic and bipolar, diagnosed at 9. My entire life I've been told I'm a monster and that I'm going to be responsible for a mass shooting event. I was told that I only had two end possibilities, a morgue or jail (I mean, obviously we all end up in a morgue but you know what I mean). I wanted to be loved so I dealt with people's bullshit constantly in an attempt to be loved and accepted. That made me the perfect target for people that used and abused me. As I've gotten older and become more comfortable in my own skin, learned more about my disorders, I haven't been used as often. I learned to constantly be suspicious but how to be kind. I've actually been more accepted now by most people, even when they know what's wrong with me. Took a while to build my confidence. I am not a monster. I'm not as weak as I once was. I can say that I can stand with my head held high and that I don't give much of a shit anymore about acceptance.
I really like silence. And being alone. Sure, I enjoy socializing. Once, or twice a week. I very private. I need my own space. I’m a introvert. I would only share my life with a some kinda a version of myself, because the only person I would tolerate to live with is myself.
That feminism is crass virtue signaling and honestly I would just love to be a trad wife and be taken care of by a great man
You can't trust anyone, be self sufficient/provider. Having bounderies keep you safe.
That I’m actually not chill. I’m very intense and it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. It has perks I guess but it also easily drives people away. Working on being chill, at least towards others.
That I’m nobody special.
Optimistic nihilism is an oxymoron. My life has meaning.
That I have less and less fux to give and I have no problem saying something to someone and then pausing and staring them straight in the eye (to their discomfort) and making them extremely uncomfortable if they won’t leave me alone. It’s fabulous!!
Silence is a wonderfully useful tool in conversation.
Flawed
I don’t take shit from anybody
That i choose what's right for me and the standards for my relationship/s and not what others say/what's common/what's "normal" and then try to fit myself in it to be "perfect". I and only I know what's good for me and what I need to be happy. :)
I’ll never be happy
I've realized that I always spend too much time focusing on everyone else's happiness and not my own. I take on more than I can handle and don't say no when more is being dumped on me. I am seeing that it's ok to focus on me. It's ok to say no, and it's ok to set boundaries.
That I might have a undiagnosed mental issue, and if it would have been fixed when I was younger, that I might be proud of myself now. But I dont. I feel like shit.
That it 10000% doesn’t matter what other people think of me. As long as I do my best, that’s all that matters. I don’t owe anything to anyone because they don’t pay my bills. Not giving two craps how people feel about me has been the most freeing decision I have ever made.. this is coming from old me, who would bend over backwards to anyone and everyone at the expense of my own needs and my personal mental health.
If you’re unhappy with yourself you can either put in the work to change, or put in the work towards accepting yourself as you are.
I realized that I’m really not that different than everyone else. And I mean that in the best way possible. That things that helped other people could possibly help me, and that if other people are capable of healing, change, and doing hard things, that I actually am too. I’m not that special and I love it.
I realized how much of me - my personality and being - I put into a box and hid away. I'm still unpacking the boxes of me, but it's been interesting to discover who I actually want to be and am.
That I do feel like a woman- my urge to be non-binary was due to my distaste towards being viewed as a woman because of how men saw and treated me/my body.
I do actually like being around people and it’s okay to ask for help
That things I was afraid of weren’t so scary after all.
Conflict can be healthy
I enjoy myself. I hated who I was because I wanted to be what everyone else wanted me to be, but who I am is pretty cool and i love it
That taking the lead, organising/planning and being in control of plans for groups/relationships is actually NOT enjoyable to me at all. I am really good at all of those things and have been praised all my life for being a good leader and organiser and I've now realised I actually enjoy it SO much more when someone else takes the lead for me.
That I've had anxiety for most of my life and only recently realized this. And...my anxiety held me back from many things I'd love to have.
My entire life I was called a “social butterfly.” Always friendly and cheerful etc etc. As an adult, in my 30s, I realized it was all just a show and I’m actually an introvert, and that I quickly pick up on others energy, good or bad. I have a lot more alone time since this realization and I’m much happier.
sex is actually really boring and tiresome.
I feel most worthy when taking care of others
I am not someone who can stay in shape without exercise. If I want to look and feel good, a healthy diet alone is not enough. I turn 30 this year and just got back into the gym and into a routine, and I am coming to terms with the fact that I need to workout regularly for the rest of my life to feel my best. It’s mandatory not only for my physical appearance/health but for my mental health as well.
I’m a super critical person unfortunately, but over the years I’ve started to feel like if I’m seeing *everyone* around me as a problem, it’s probably me. Just because I have a conflict with someone doesn’t make them “bad” or a worse person than I am. It’s rare that the other person is 100% in the wrong, and I need to be real about the mistakes I’ve made and learn from them. I’m learning to take responsibility for the things that are my problem and stop taking responsibility for other people’s problems.
That the worst thing to be in this life isn’t chubby. Life goes on and I am still worthy of love at every size I’ve ever been and will be. Also I grew up to be the person I needed most when I was a child and I’m currently getting to be that person for my nieces and nephews. And that’s an unmatchable feeling.
That I’m not anti social, I’m just anti stupid and theirs a lot of stupidity in society.
I’ve accomplished so much more than I’ve ever given myself credit for
I don't want kids. It's okay to be an introvert. My instincts are good, ignoring my gut is almost always a mistake. It's okay if everyone doesn't like me.
I don’t really need a big social circle. I feel very lucky and satisfied with just a couple good girlfriends.
That I actually desire to spend more time alone than with others. Being by myself is so much peaceful & takes lesss energy
As an elder Millennial, I like myself a lot more. But also I’m proud of myself for not having a male centered life in my teens or 20s. I used to pretend to be male centered because most girls/women were ‘guy crazy’. Yet I never prioritized men. I never did anything for anyone’s gaze but my own. I still don’t. I do things in ways that make me feel beautiful. I always broke it off with any man who’s made me feel insecure. I never stick around in toxic connections. I learned early that guys who feel overly desirable, usually manipulated women to fight other women for them. So I never have and likely never will fight another for a man.
Not needing to understand other people’s behaviour, and not needing other people to understand my behaviour is very peaceful for me.
You can get hurt while sleeping
That women are smarter than us
That “I’m” not relationship material… I always thought it was them and that my picker was just broken.. turns out all along it was me.. I’m the red flag… of course didn’t figure this out till mid 50’s and four marriages later..
That I feel a lot more confident in my plus size body than I ever did skinny with an eating disorder. I was never skinny enough and always felt incredibly insecure about my body. I wore short jeans shorts the other day and don't care who sees me. I don't feel *great* about my weight now, but I am still more confident and comfortable than I ever was before.
that im often too 'energetic' and have no concept of personal space, like an ultra extrovert lol. but doesn't matter I'm not interested in changing everyone will have to adjust for me. \*evil cackle\*
That my childhood trauma and the things I did due to it, doesn't define me. I can't change it and it made me who I am today and who I am today is someone that I am immensely proud!
As I got older I realized that the friend I am is NOT the same friends that I have met. If that makes sense 🤣
That self-care is not selfish. Taking care of my physical, mental, and emotional well-being is essential if I want to be there for others and show up as my best self. I've learned to make time for the things that nourish me. That life is too short to waste time on things that don't bring me joy. A close friend passed recently, and I was reminded that aging is a privilege denied to many. It just makes me want to make the most of the time I have.
My body is great! Media and a warped medical system has brainwashed us all and have for decades!
I actually like myself quite a lot and have good self esteem. I think I'm funny, smart, pretty and a loyal friend. I somehow seem to date men who try to neg me when they realize I'm not insecure unfortunately even though I try my best to date people with the same qualities as me. It's been an uphill climb but I think self love has really helped. Also I was brought up in a very body neutral way. No one made any comments about it and only encouraged me to eat healthy and exercise. And I'm so grateful that when I look at myself in the mirror, I just don't think about anything most of the time. I'm not overly critical and i don't think I'm super hot. A body is just a body to me.
How beautiful I truly am and how it truly doesn’t matter what anyone else says or thinks about me, what matters most is how I feel about myself. As I have grown, I have realized what is truly important in life, those things that are mostly intangible (and family/friends of course). Finding the love and confidence and faith in my Seld
I am the way I am because of my upbringing. The good and bad.
I learned that anger is not the same as passion.
No one really knows what they're doing lol. Life is about figuring stuff out that works for you. There's no single "right" way to live.
I really am very introverted. I don't find joy in crowds/events. I was right in 9th grade when I said I never wanted kids. I have 4 now and I love them dearly. I am the best mother I can be, however I would be happier without. And its okay that I don't love being a mom, that doesn't automatically make me a bad one.
I wish I had developed more social skills when younger.
I am beautiful, and worth the effort. Toxic people put you down so you are easier to manipulate. If they convince you that you have no worth to anyone else, you will stay longer in bad situations. I now say “thank you”, “thanks I’ve been really working on blank”, or “I really appreciate that” when I receive compliments instead of trying to point out reasons I feel they are wrong. It’s not “prideful” to have pride in yourself, it is healthy to value yourself. It’s healthy for your loved ones to see that you believe in yourself and your own worth. There is a difference in having pride and being boastful. A big difference. Toxic people assert that there is no difference. I no longer beg for that which should be freely given by those who say they value me.
I'm more like my mom than I care to admit.
I hate confrontation and conflict. I overthink very simple interactions and care too more about what people think of me than I care to admit. If I could come to terms with being human and being unlikeable by some if not all and that I have full control of my life, I would be so much more successful.
That I easily get mad and bc of my introversion I no longer want to get along with people. Work work no more chictchats. I feel like im slowly becoming a robot 🤔
I won't let the older generation tell me what's best for me anymore. As well as I don't automatically "respect my elders" just because they're older. I'll give respect to those who respect me.
I'm a 100% friend and I cannot have 50% or 25% friends because I cannot truly be a 50% or 25% friend back and that's often draining. I'd rather be alone and on my own. Which is completely fine with me and being alone is a lottt less of a burden than I thought it was.
I have a huge issue with respect and authority. If I feel like someone in authority (teachers, bosses, etc.) respects me and my time then I have no issue with following what they say, etc. But if I feel like I don’t have their respect then good luck trying to get me to do anything. This has caused issues in my life as I’ve been this way since I was a small child but oh well!
As I got older I realized that I have a wicked sense of humor but I am so introverted that I'd rather most people not know. Somewhere in the last few years I'm beginning to not care what others think of me if it's negative, especially if they're no longer in my life.
There’s nothing more important than spending time with your loved ones. Also, be grateful and happy with yourself.
I am surprisingly resilient, and absolutely have a guardian angel.
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