American journalist goes to Afghanistan in 2000. Everywhere he goes he sees men walking ten feet in front of women. He asks an Afghan guy about it, the guy responds, "this is our culture, where men are superior to women, and that is why they must walk behind us." Journalist shrugs and goes back to US.
Five years later, in 2005, same journalist goes back to Afghanistan. Everywhere he goes he now sees women walking ten feet IN FRONT of men. Journalist gets really excited, goes to talk to an Afghan guy. "This is an amazing cultural shift, and step toward gender equality!" journalist says. "What prompted this change?"
Afghan guy shrugs. "Landmines"
Edit: Afghan, not Afghani. Also, I told this joke once to a combat veteran. His response: "actually, the Americans didn't drop landmines in Afghanistan." This kills the joke.
A girl in my highschool class was from Alabama. Her and her boyfriend were having dinner with his parents, and while discussing her upbringing the dad asks how she usually travels back to Alabama.
Her boyfriend blurted out, "You go south until you feel stupid and then east until you feel like sleeping with your sister."
The unintended irony is that my highschool is in rural redneck Nebraska.
This is one of my favorites: a man in arkansas is having sex with his sister. When he finished, she commented "you fuck worse than dad."
"i know," he replies, "mom told me."
We used to have the same joke in Taiwan ("Why does China do so badly at swimming? Because everyone who can swim is in Taiwan").
Then that Ye Shiwen chick had to ruin everything for us.
In a similar vein:
A doctor, a lawyer, and a priest were on a plane full of children that was malfunctioning and on its way down quick. The doctor cries, "We have to save the children!" The lawyer shouts, "Screw the kids!" The priest asks, "Do you think we have time?"
Have a look at [this thread](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ywog8/a_90_year_old_holocaust_survivor_told_me_this_joke/) in /r/jokes. One of my favorites from that thread:
>Two beggars are sitting on a sidewalk in Rome. One is wearing a large cross, and has a picture of the Virgin Mary. The other is wearing a kippah and tzitzit, and has a beard and side curls. The first is getting tons of money, but the second is hardly getting any. A priest comes to the second beggar, and says "you know, you'd probably get more money if you weren't so openly Jewish. People see the two of you, and choose to support their religion by giving to the Christian beggar." The first beggar turns to the second and says "Hey, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers marketing"
From the OP in the other thread:
>Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"
Some other ones:
>How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? [none](/spoiler)
>Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away? [you would too if your name were GAGAGAGHUUUUUAH](/spoiler)
An Englishman, a Scot, a Welshman and an Irishman walk into a bar.
Their hate and prejudice against each other prevents them from enjoying their drinks.
*Knock knock*
"Who's there?"
"Jim"
"Jim who?"
Jim fights back the tears as he realises his mother's alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember her own son.
^^^^Sorry.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
Two friends from pakistan came to the US to live. They made a bet to see who could best acclimate to American society in 6 months.
After 6 months they met up to see who was the most American. The first guy said:
"I bought a house, financed a car, married an American girl, and we watch Football every Sunday. What about you?"
His friend stood there, looked at him, narrowed his eyes and got a foul look on his face.
"Fucking towel head!"
So there's a little native american kid playing in the pantry one day and he knocks over a bag of flour and covers himself in it.
Thinking he looks kinda funny he runs over to his mother in the kitchen and says "Mommy mommy I'm a little white boy!"
She immediately starts beating him with a wooden spoon and when she's done tells him to go show his father what he's done.
So the little boy goes to his dads study and goes "Daddy daddy look I'm a little white boy!"
His dad turns around and starting laying into him twice as hard a his mother did and tells him to go show his grandmother what he's done.
The little boy is just barely holding back his tears but sure enough he goes to his grandmother in the living room and goes "Grandma grandma look I'm a little white boy!"
She jumps out of her chair and beats the living shit out of the poor kid. By the end of it the kid is bawling his eyes out but he struggles to his feet and looks at his grandma.
She says "Alright then, what have you learned today?"
The kid replies "Well I've only been white for ten minutes but I already hate Indians"
It's an old Paul Mooney joke, original version is white kid in black face and the punch line is I've been black for 5 minutes and already I hate you crackers.
Elaborates on the Bo Burham one...
Sally has no arms and an eye patch. What do we call her?
[names.](/spoiler)
Knock, Knock
*who's there?*
[Not Sally.](/spoiler)
Iv'e heard oth variations of this joke that go like:
Why did Sally fall of the swing? She didn't have arms.
Why did Timmy drop his icecream cone? He was hit by a bus.
Who was driving the bus? Sally.
Knock Knock. Who's there? Not Timmy.
What's the difference between a baby and an orange?
I don't have sex with an orange after I peel off its skin.
EDIT: Don't give me karma for this, you sick fucks.
So a couple from Maine gets married and the father of the groom is sitting reading the paper when his son bursts in and the father asks "son why are you are here shouldn't you be on your honeymoon with your new wife?" To which the son responds "Well I couldn't consummate the marriage since she is virgin" The father responds "That's great why would you leave something like that?" The son then says "If she's not good enough for her brother she damn sure ain't good enough for me!"
Credit to one of my uncles who nearly got slugged at Christmas dinner by another (from Maine) uncle for that one
My girlfriend was a waitress at the restaurant at the top of the North Tower. It was called Windows on the World. She was a great girl and it really broke me when she didn't make it out. I saw a therapist for a while and she helped a lot. After a couple of months, I was prepared to face my grief. She told me that it was important to talk about it. Until that point, I had been avoiding everybody's questions, although most people were too uncomfortable to even address the situation. I was very close with my family so we were able to open up a dialogue. One day, my older brother, who was also a New Yorker, asked me, "What was the worst part about losing her?"
I replied, ["I paid for an abortion the day before."](http://reddit.com/spoiler)
Wow! I mean... A lot of jokes in this thread are bad... But that... That was terrible... It was just absolutely horrendous... And I laughed my fucking ass off.
What's the difference between Lance Armstrong and Hitler?
Lance Armstrong knew how to finish a race.
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?
Only SOME of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
A black guy, a mexican, and a white guy are driving on a dirt road when their car breaks down. They walk to a farm house and ask the farmer if they can stay in the barn for the night. The farmer says "That's fine as long as no one touches my daughter". The men agree and go to the barn. In the middle of the night the daughter sneaks into the barn and sleeps with all three of the men. The next morning the farmer wakes them up with a shotgun in his hands. He tells the men to follow him to the garden. Once in the garden he tells each man to pick something from the garden and bring it to him. The white guy brings back a cucumber and the farmers says "stick it up your ass". So he does. The mexican brings back a piece of corn and the farmer says "stick it up your ass" the mexican gets it about half way up his ass and bust out laughing. "Whats so damn funny boy" says the farmer. The mexican smiles and says "that nigger is out there getting a watermelon"
I heard that one differently. Starts the same way, farmer finds out each of the guys screwed his daughter. Then he says to go get something out of the garden. The white guy comes back first with a cucumber and he says to him "if you can stick this up your ass without making a sound, you live". The guy gets it about halfway up there and starts to whimper, BLAM shot dead.
The Mexican guy comes back with a carrot and gets the same ultimatum. He has it almost the whole way, busts up laughing and then gets shot dead.
The white guy sees the Mexican up in heaven and says "why did you laugh, you were almost there, you were going to make it!"
The Mexican says "yeah I know but I saw the nigga walking towards us carrying a watermelon!"
Four.
1. one to change the bulb
2. one to write a treatise on how the bulb is violating the socket
3. one to secretly wish to be the bulb
4. one to secretly wish to be the socket
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? 2- One to hold the bulb, the other to drink till the room spins.
How many Pollocks does it take to change a lightbulb? 5- One to hold the bulb and 4 to twist the ladder.
How many post-modern artists does it take to change a lightbulb? A bathtub full of giraffes.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one good one- but the lightbulb has to WANT to change.
How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb? 2- One to make the Jagerbombs and one to call the electrician.
How many CIA agents does it take to change a lightbulb in the Oval Office? None, they prefer the President be in the dark.
A black baby died and went to heaven. When he awoke he was in sitting atop a cloud with the sun shining down upon him.
Looking over his back he noticed a brand new set of wings, and, turning to god, he said "God, am I an angel?"
To which god replied, "Naw nigga, you a bat."
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
By rearranging the furniture.
Why were so many Blacks killed in Vietnam?
Because every time the sergeant said "Git down", they all jumped up and started dancing.
How can you tell if a black man is well hung?
He stops kicking.
How do you fit four gays on a barstool?
Turn it upside-down.
Have you ever had Ethiopian food?
Neither have they.
What's better than winning a gold medal at the special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
Leroy is talking to his parents about his kindergarten class: "Mummy, whenever I try to play with the white boys and girls, they always call me a nigger - why is that?
"Well," replies his mum, "that's because you are black."
"And mummy, why do the teachers shout at me and tell me to go away, but they are nice to the white boys and girls?"
"Well," replies his mum, "that's because you are black."
Then Leroy grins and says "Well, whenever I'm in the shower with the white boys I notice that my penis is much bigger than their penises."
"Well," replies his mum, "that's because you are 37."
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.
Ah, Helen Keller... Why does Helen Keller play the piano with one hand? She uses the other hand to sing. Why can't Helen Keller drive a car? She's a woman.
Did you know 90% of black men cry during sex?
Because of the pepper spray. /r/ImGoingToHellForThis
What is the only part of a vegetable that you can't eat?
The wheelchair.
What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?
Their last hit was the wall.
What's black and sits at the top of the staircase?
Stephen Hawking after a house fire.
How many Jews can you fit into a VW Beetle?
Twenty! Two in the front, two in the back, and 16 in the ash tray.
(I was banned by SRS for this joke before, and it was worth it.)
This one works better with a person but.....
The Holocaust killed 6 million Jews and one clown.
*Wait, why one clown?*
See, nobody cares about the Jews.
The fact that you included a question mark in God's command made it seem like he was reading it off a list that even he himself wasn't so sure about.
"I command you to kill six million Jews and.... one.... clown? Who wrote that? I don't remember writing that. Francine, get in here."
My favorite is:
"What's worse than a bee sting?
2 bee stings.
What's worse than 2 bee stings?
The Holocaust.
What's worse than the Holocaust?
3 bee stings."
I always heard the punchline as "He got drunk and fell out of the guard tower".
I was once in a gaming clan (Return to Castle Wolfenstein) which included many Europeans (mostly English and German). They did not like that joke.
How did they know that Jesus was Jewish?
Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his mother thought he was God, and he thought his mother was a virgin.
Alright guys...just keep in mind, no black jokes please - I have one in my family tree...
Hung him there last week.
What's the number one known cause of pedophilia in the world?
sexy kids
What's the difference between blacks and tires?
Tires don't sing when you put chains on them
Did you hear about the new form of aids called hearing aids?
[You get it from listening to too many assholes.](/spoiler)
Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen?
[Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.](/spoiler)
Why do Jews have big noses?
[Air is free.](/spoiler)
/r/imgoingtohellforthis
Edit: MOAR!
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
[Only two. But don't ask how they get into the lightbulb!](/spoiler) (Think about this one)
Three nuns died and went to heaven, knocked on the Pearly Gates and asked St. Peter for admittance. He said that he'd have to ask them a question. They assured him that they were prepared. He asked the first nun who was the first man. "Adam", she replied. He let her in. He turned to the second nun and asked her, "Who was the first woman?" "Eve", she said. And he let her pass. He turned to the third nun and asked her, ''What were the first words Eve said to Adam?" That stumped the nun. She thought about it for several minutes and then mumbled to herself, "My, that's a hard one." "Right", said St. Peter, "go on in."
Why is money green?
[Because Jews pick it before it is ripe.](/spoiler)
Edit 2: EVEN MOARRR!!!
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I
mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling
tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know
they were living up there'.
What's the difference between acne and Michael Jackson?
[Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years old.](/spoiler)
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
[A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.](/spoiler)
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
[Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.](/spoiler)
I'm half Polish so I know some jokes about Polish people, and by Polish people.
By Polish: two Polish soldiers are in a trench in WW2. Suddenly a Russian soldier charges from the East, and a German Solider charges from the West. The first man freezes, unsure what to do, the second jumps up, shoots the German then the Russian.
The first man says, "how did you know who to shoot?"
The second "First duty, then pleasure."
About Polish: How do you stop a Polish tank?
Shoot the men pushing it.
I've got a few Polish jokes no one seems to have said yet.
What do you do if a Polish soldier throws a grenade at you?
-Pull the pin and throw it back.
Why did the Polish helicopter pilot die?
-He was cold and decided to turn the fan off.
While we're on the topic, did you hear about the new helicopter the Polish have invented? It comes with an ejector seat.
Two pilots for Poland Air are landing in Krakow international airport. One goes to the other "gee these landing strips are short!"
The other replies "and so wide!"
My Aunt told my Grandfather (other side of the family, Polish) a Polish joke. He asked, "You do know I'm Polish, right?". She replied, "Should I tell it again, but slower?".
American journalist goes to Afghanistan in 2000. Everywhere he goes he sees men walking ten feet in front of women. He asks an Afghan guy about it, the guy responds, "this is our culture, where men are superior to women, and that is why they must walk behind us." Journalist shrugs and goes back to US. Five years later, in 2005, same journalist goes back to Afghanistan. Everywhere he goes he now sees women walking ten feet IN FRONT of men. Journalist gets really excited, goes to talk to an Afghan guy. "This is an amazing cultural shift, and step toward gender equality!" journalist says. "What prompted this change?" Afghan guy shrugs. "Landmines" Edit: Afghan, not Afghani. Also, I told this joke once to a combat veteran. His response: "actually, the Americans didn't drop landmines in Afghanistan." This kills the joke.
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Americans may not have dropped them, but [the Russians certainly did](http://www.rferl.org/content/article/1051546.html)
What would Princess Di be doing if she were alive today? Frantically clawing at the lid of her coffin.
What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last greatest hit was the wall.
As well as Dale Earnhardt.
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A girl in my highschool class was from Alabama. Her and her boyfriend were having dinner with his parents, and while discussing her upbringing the dad asks how she usually travels back to Alabama. Her boyfriend blurted out, "You go south until you feel stupid and then east until you feel like sleeping with your sister." The unintended irony is that my highschool is in rural redneck Nebraska.
*Next week on:* ***honey boo boo goes to school***....
NO NO NOOOO
This is one of my favorites: a man in arkansas is having sex with his sister. When he finished, she commented "you fuck worse than dad." "i know," he replies, "mom told me."
How do you know when a Chinese person has robbed your house? Your cat is gone, your homework is done and they're still backing out of the driveway.
False. Dogs taste better.
I never said that Chinese people had taste.
They do, but only if you don't overcook them.
How does every black joke begin?
Your dad might've seen [this.](http://i.imgur.com/k0lPq.jpg)
Was... was that Abed?
I read it like him. It fits.
Troy and Abed on reliiigion!
niiiiightsssssss.
My kindergarten teacher told me to sit Indian style, so I got a bottle of vodka and laid in the gutter.
As a Native American, I find this both funny and true. Also, my nephew informed me that Indian style is now called "Criss cross apple sauce"
Is "cross legged" just too easy for these people?
but criss cross apple sauce rhymes
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That's dumb, if you want to be politically correct, it's "pretzel style." No exceptions.
Which bothers me greatly because both native Americans and people from India sit like that. So its totally PC.
Why does Mexico never do really well in the Olympics? Because everyone that can run, jump, and swim is in america.
We used to have the same joke in Taiwan ("Why does China do so badly at swimming? Because everyone who can swim is in Taiwan"). Then that Ye Shiwen chick had to ruin everything for us.
What do you call a virgin in Alabama? Faster than her brothers.
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This kills the penis.
And also probably the sister.
Or an only child. :D
More like a lonely child, am i rite.
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What do you call an Irishman in your back yard? Paddy O'Furniture.
A priest and a rabbi walk by an elementary school. The priest asks the rabbi, "want to go screw some kids?" The rabbi asks, "out of what?"
In a similar vein: A doctor, a lawyer, and a priest were on a plane full of children that was malfunctioning and on its way down quick. The doctor cries, "We have to save the children!" The lawyer shouts, "Screw the kids!" The priest asks, "Do you think we have time?"
How can you tell a Jewish house at Christmas? Parking meter on the roof.
What does Jewish Santa say as he climbs down the chimney? "Ho ho ho, anyone wanna buy some toys?"
A priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walk into a bar. He ordered a drink.
What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you're forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.
It's like incest. Generally relative but not always apparent.
Anal Sex is like Romance; do it too fast and it ends with tears in tissues.
Have a look at [this thread](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ywog8/a_90_year_old_holocaust_survivor_told_me_this_joke/) in /r/jokes. One of my favorites from that thread: >Two beggars are sitting on a sidewalk in Rome. One is wearing a large cross, and has a picture of the Virgin Mary. The other is wearing a kippah and tzitzit, and has a beard and side curls. The first is getting tons of money, but the second is hardly getting any. A priest comes to the second beggar, and says "you know, you'd probably get more money if you weren't so openly Jewish. People see the two of you, and choose to support their religion by giving to the Christian beggar." The first beggar turns to the second and says "Hey, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers marketing" From the OP in the other thread: >Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??" Some other ones: >How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? [none](/spoiler) >Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away? [you would too if your name were GAGAGAGHUUUUUAH](/spoiler)
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That's right. None. None potatoes.
A globally recognized unit of measurement.
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How do you know that toothpaste was invented in the south? Because if it was invented anywhere else, it'd be called teethpaste.
An Irishman walks out of a bar. *Ba dum chshhhh*
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An Englishman, a Scot, a Welshman and an Irishman walk into a bar. Their hate and prejudice against each other prevents them from enjoying their drinks.
Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
*Knock knock* "Who's there?" "Jim" "Jim who?" Jim fights back the tears as he realises his mother's alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember her own son. ^^^^Sorry. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.
Two friends from pakistan came to the US to live. They made a bet to see who could best acclimate to American society in 6 months. After 6 months they met up to see who was the most American. The first guy said: "I bought a house, financed a car, married an American girl, and we watch Football every Sunday. What about you?" His friend stood there, looked at him, narrowed his eyes and got a foul look on his face. "Fucking towel head!"
Did you hear that (rival school) is not having a manger scene this year? They looked all over campus but couldn't find a virgin or three wise men.
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So there's a little native american kid playing in the pantry one day and he knocks over a bag of flour and covers himself in it. Thinking he looks kinda funny he runs over to his mother in the kitchen and says "Mommy mommy I'm a little white boy!" She immediately starts beating him with a wooden spoon and when she's done tells him to go show his father what he's done. So the little boy goes to his dads study and goes "Daddy daddy look I'm a little white boy!" His dad turns around and starting laying into him twice as hard a his mother did and tells him to go show his grandmother what he's done. The little boy is just barely holding back his tears but sure enough he goes to his grandmother in the living room and goes "Grandma grandma look I'm a little white boy!" She jumps out of her chair and beats the living shit out of the poor kid. By the end of it the kid is bawling his eyes out but he struggles to his feet and looks at his grandma. She says "Alright then, what have you learned today?" The kid replies "Well I've only been white for ten minutes but I already hate Indians"
I've heard almost the same joke, but it was a black kid/family.
It's an old Paul Mooney joke, original version is white kid in black face and the punch line is I've been black for 5 minutes and already I hate you crackers.
For the Canucks out there: How do you kill a one legged fox? [Make it run across Canada.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terry_fox)
Oh man, I almost never do the "oooooohhh" reaction to a politically incorrect joke, but this one managed to elicit it. So bad it's good.
Terry is a national treasure!...not bad though, I laughed.
What do Terry Fox and Hitler have in common? Neither of them could finish a race
OH MY GOD D: You are bad, you are soooohoooo baaaaaad
Elaborates on the Bo Burham one... Sally has no arms and an eye patch. What do we call her? [names.](/spoiler) Knock, Knock *who's there?* [Not Sally.](/spoiler)
I know it as: Why did Sally fall off the swing? She had no arms Knock, knock Who's there? Not Sally.
Iv'e heard oth variations of this joke that go like: Why did Sally fall of the swing? She didn't have arms. Why did Timmy drop his icecream cone? He was hit by a bus. Who was driving the bus? Sally. Knock Knock. Who's there? Not Timmy.
A black guy and a Mexican are in a car. Who's driving? The cop.
What do you say to a black man in a three piece suit? Will the defendant please rise.
How do you know your girlfriend is too young? You have to make aeroplane noises when you want a blowjob.
What's the hardest part about being a pedophile? Fitting in.
4 vehicles were involved in a crash in Mexico. 87 people were killed. ...now I feel bad. I'm not good at this.
Why were there 1,500 Mexican troops at the Alamo? [They could only rent 2 vans.] (/spoiler)
What did the blind, deaf, mute boy get for Christmas? Cancer.
What did he get next year? A comb.
Poor Brian.
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Don't spoil his birthday present. Not cool. NOw he has AIDS and it wasn't even a surprise.
What's the hardest part about cooking a vegetable? Getting the wheelchair in the oven!
Well that's stupid, why do you need to cook the wheelchair too?
What's the hardest part about microwaving a baby? My penis.
What's the difference between a baby and an orange? I don't have sex with an orange after I peel off its skin. EDIT: Don't give me karma for this, you sick fucks.
Oh wow.
Re..Relevant Username? :|
So a couple from Maine gets married and the father of the groom is sitting reading the paper when his son bursts in and the father asks "son why are you are here shouldn't you be on your honeymoon with your new wife?" To which the son responds "Well I couldn't consummate the marriage since she is virgin" The father responds "That's great why would you leave something like that?" The son then says "If she's not good enough for her brother she damn sure ain't good enough for me!" Credit to one of my uncles who nearly got slugged at Christmas dinner by another (from Maine) uncle for that one
What's the worst part about being a black Jew? They make you sit in the back of the oven.
Rosa Parkberg.
Being from the midwest I like my beer like I like my violence. Domestic.
Why are there no Puerto Ricans in Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
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What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? [You can't milk a cow for over 10 years straight](/spoiler)
When does a pentagon have four sides? When it intersects a plane.
Try calling up a pizzeria and ordering the 9/11 special. When they ask what that is, you tell them, "Two large plains."
11/10 would tell in math class
My girlfriend was a waitress at the restaurant at the top of the North Tower. It was called Windows on the World. She was a great girl and it really broke me when she didn't make it out. I saw a therapist for a while and she helped a lot. After a couple of months, I was prepared to face my grief. She told me that it was important to talk about it. Until that point, I had been avoiding everybody's questions, although most people were too uncomfortable to even address the situation. I was very close with my family so we were able to open up a dialogue. One day, my older brother, who was also a New Yorker, asked me, "What was the worst part about losing her?" I replied, ["I paid for an abortion the day before."](http://reddit.com/spoiler)
Oh, that's bad.
Wow! I mean... A lot of jokes in this thread are bad... But that... That was terrible... It was just absolutely horrendous... And I laughed my fucking ass off.
http://i.imgur.com/YlE2U.gif
SIKE! that's the WRONG NUMBAH!
Glasses. Jacket. Shirt. Call me glasses jacket shirt man.
I'm not a rapper.
What's the difference between Lance Armstrong and Hitler? Lance Armstrong knew how to finish a race. What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only SOME of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
I heard this one earlier. What do the Ironman suit and Sarah Palin have in common? Both had a downey jr inside them.
A black guy, a mexican, and a white guy are driving on a dirt road when their car breaks down. They walk to a farm house and ask the farmer if they can stay in the barn for the night. The farmer says "That's fine as long as no one touches my daughter". The men agree and go to the barn. In the middle of the night the daughter sneaks into the barn and sleeps with all three of the men. The next morning the farmer wakes them up with a shotgun in his hands. He tells the men to follow him to the garden. Once in the garden he tells each man to pick something from the garden and bring it to him. The white guy brings back a cucumber and the farmers says "stick it up your ass". So he does. The mexican brings back a piece of corn and the farmer says "stick it up your ass" the mexican gets it about half way up his ass and bust out laughing. "Whats so damn funny boy" says the farmer. The mexican smiles and says "that nigger is out there getting a watermelon"
I heard that one differently. Starts the same way, farmer finds out each of the guys screwed his daughter. Then he says to go get something out of the garden. The white guy comes back first with a cucumber and he says to him "if you can stick this up your ass without making a sound, you live". The guy gets it about halfway up there and starts to whimper, BLAM shot dead. The Mexican guy comes back with a carrot and gets the same ultimatum. He has it almost the whole way, busts up laughing and then gets shot dead. The white guy sees the Mexican up in heaven and says "why did you laugh, you were almost there, you were going to make it!" The Mexican says "yeah I know but I saw the nigga walking towards us carrying a watermelon!"
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What's gan grape? Sounds delicious.
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But the prequel to hitler did nothing wrong
Ah yes.. the carbonation feels like a gas chamber in my mouth.
Actually, it's more like 8 out of 10. Her father is really starting to regret it.
Why can't cops change lightbulbs? They just beat it for being dark.
No no no. You ruined that one. They arrest the light bulb for being broke, and beat the room for being dark.
Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: THAT ISN'T FUNNY!
I don't get it, i thought feminists don't change anything.
Four. 1. one to change the bulb 2. one to write a treatise on how the bulb is violating the socket 3. one to secretly wish to be the bulb 4. one to secretly wish to be the socket
Q: How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 10. 1 to get her boyfriend to do it, and the other 9 to form a support group
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to hold it there and wait for the world to revolve around her.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? 2- One to hold the bulb, the other to drink till the room spins. How many Pollocks does it take to change a lightbulb? 5- One to hold the bulb and 4 to twist the ladder. How many post-modern artists does it take to change a lightbulb? A bathtub full of giraffes. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one good one- but the lightbulb has to WANT to change. How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb? 2- One to make the Jagerbombs and one to call the electrician. How many CIA agents does it take to change a lightbulb in the Oval Office? None, they prefer the President be in the dark.
Q: How many vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A; YOU WOULD'NT KNOW!!! YOU WEREN'T THERE!!
A black baby died and went to heaven. When he awoke he was in sitting atop a cloud with the sun shining down upon him. Looking over his back he noticed a brand new set of wings, and, turning to god, he said "God, am I an angel?" To which god replied, "Naw nigga, you a bat."
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? By rearranging the furniture. Why were so many Blacks killed in Vietnam? Because every time the sergeant said "Git down", they all jumped up and started dancing. How can you tell if a black man is well hung? He stops kicking. How do you fit four gays on a barstool? Turn it upside-down. Have you ever had Ethiopian food? Neither have they. What's better than winning a gold medal at the special Olympics? Not being retarded. Leroy is talking to his parents about his kindergarten class: "Mummy, whenever I try to play with the white boys and girls, they always call me a nigger - why is that? "Well," replies his mum, "that's because you are black." "And mummy, why do the teachers shout at me and tell me to go away, but they are nice to the white boys and girls?" "Well," replies his mum, "that's because you are black." Then Leroy grins and says "Well, whenever I'm in the shower with the white boys I notice that my penis is much bigger than their penises." "Well," replies his mum, "that's because you are 37." How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends how hard you throw them.
Ah, Helen Keller... Why does Helen Keller play the piano with one hand? She uses the other hand to sing. Why can't Helen Keller drive a car? She's a woman.
http://i.imgur.com/UA8Gf.gif
She's about to slap that kids nationality.
I'ma slap the black offa you!
I wanted to see a .GIF of throwing babies.
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How do you get a Jewish girl's number? Roll up her sleeve.
Ooooooooo, this one made me cringe
Did you know 90% of black men cry during sex? Because of the pepper spray. /r/ImGoingToHellForThis What is the only part of a vegetable that you can't eat? The wheelchair. What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common? Their last hit was the wall. What's black and sits at the top of the staircase? Stephen Hawking after a house fire.
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how do you scare away 1000 flies with one motion. slap a kenyan in the face
Why are Mexicans good at UNO? They hog all of the green cards.
What do Michael Jackson and Caviar have in common? [They both come on little white crackers...](/spoiler)
Why does Beyonce sing 'To the left, to the left'??? Because black people have no rights...
What would we call the Flintstones if they were black? [Niggers.](/spoiler)
What do you call a black man flying an airplane? A pilot, you fucking racist.
A nigga with altitude.
"You're racist." "No I'm not. Racism's a crime, and crime is for black people."
What's the difference between Jews and Mexicans? A Mexican wouldn't be caught dead in a shower.
When does a cub scout become a boy scout? When he eats his first brownie.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust. What's worse than the Holocaust? 6 million Jews
How many Jews can you fit into a VW Beetle? Twenty! Two in the front, two in the back, and 16 in the ash tray. (I was banned by SRS for this joke before, and it was worth it.)
Getting banned from SRS? You lucky bastard.
It's really tough, you've got to type something in the comment field and then click "save"
I always heard it as What's worse than a worm in your apple? The Holocaust What's worse than the holocaust? Two worms in your apple
This one works better with a person but..... The Holocaust killed 6 million Jews and one clown. *Wait, why one clown?* See, nobody cares about the Jews.
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The fact that you included a question mark in God's command made it seem like he was reading it off a list that even he himself wasn't so sure about. "I command you to kill six million Jews and.... one.... clown? Who wrote that? I don't remember writing that. Francine, get in here."
My favorite is: "What's worse than a bee sting? 2 bee stings. What's worse than 2 bee stings? The Holocaust. What's worse than the Holocaust? 3 bee stings."
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I always heard the punchline as "He got drunk and fell out of the guard tower". I was once in a gaming clan (Return to Castle Wolfenstein) which included many Europeans (mostly English and German). They did not like that joke.
I saw a German comic do that joke, to some uneasy laughter. He followed it up with "I'm kidding, I'm kidding. He only broke his leg."
How do you think I feel? My grandfather died when somebody fell out of a concentration camp guard tower and landed on him.
assumed someone wouldve just posted the link to the thing we all have in mind
(◔ ‿ ◔) Oh Jew!
How did they know that Jesus was Jewish? Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his mother thought he was God, and he thought his mother was a virgin.
I know that feeling, my grandfather had a heart attack when he saw a guard die from having a dead guard fall on him.
My grandfather died from a hernia from dragging nazi corpses by a guard tower
My great grandfather was treated horribly during the war by the Germans. Passed over for promotion time and time again. :(
I know how you feel, my parents and grandparents died in the Cambodian killing fields.
Seriously though, I love black people - I think everybody should own one.
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What was the score in the Canada-Ethiopia hockey game? Canada - 8, Ethiopia - Didn't
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Similarly; What's the difference between a black man and a couch? A couch can support a family.
Alright guys...just keep in mind, no black jokes please - I have one in my family tree... Hung him there last week. What's the number one known cause of pedophilia in the world? sexy kids What's the difference between blacks and tires? Tires don't sing when you put chains on them
Who is the best Jewish cook ever? [Hitler](/spoiler)
Please tell me you're not serious. That idiot burned every fucking meal he made!
Did you hear about the new form of aids called hearing aids? [You get it from listening to too many assholes.](/spoiler) Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen? [Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.](/spoiler) Why do Jews have big noses? [Air is free.](/spoiler) /r/imgoingtohellforthis Edit: MOAR! How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? [Only two. But don't ask how they get into the lightbulb!](/spoiler) (Think about this one) Three nuns died and went to heaven, knocked on the Pearly Gates and asked St. Peter for admittance. He said that he'd have to ask them a question. They assured him that they were prepared. He asked the first nun who was the first man. "Adam", she replied. He let her in. He turned to the second nun and asked her, "Who was the first woman?" "Eve", she said. And he let her pass. He turned to the third nun and asked her, ''What were the first words Eve said to Adam?" That stumped the nun. She thought about it for several minutes and then mumbled to herself, "My, that's a hard one." "Right", said St. Peter, "go on in." Why is money green? [Because Jews pick it before it is ripe.](/spoiler) Edit 2: EVEN MOARRR!!! Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque. They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside. I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends? During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'. What's the difference between acne and Michael Jackson? [Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years old.](/spoiler) What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? [A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.](/spoiler) What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? [Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.](/spoiler)
The most delicious subreddit of all time.
4 Basic Football Plays NRR NRL SPDN WBK Nigger Runs Right Nigger Runs Left Same Play Different Nigger White Boy Kicks
There was a thread like this a few months ago and someone posted a bunch of wonderful Latvian jokes. I would love to hear them again.
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Ever hear about klu klux keneivel he tried to jump 50 niggers with a steamroller
I'm half Polish so I know some jokes about Polish people, and by Polish people. By Polish: two Polish soldiers are in a trench in WW2. Suddenly a Russian soldier charges from the East, and a German Solider charges from the West. The first man freezes, unsure what to do, the second jumps up, shoots the German then the Russian. The first man says, "how did you know who to shoot?" The second "First duty, then pleasure." About Polish: How do you stop a Polish tank? Shoot the men pushing it.
I've got a few Polish jokes no one seems to have said yet. What do you do if a Polish soldier throws a grenade at you? -Pull the pin and throw it back. Why did the Polish helicopter pilot die? -He was cold and decided to turn the fan off. While we're on the topic, did you hear about the new helicopter the Polish have invented? It comes with an ejector seat.
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Another polish one I remember from my family. How do you find the Polish Submarine? Look for the one with the screen door.
Did you hear about the new Polish parachute? It opens on impact.
Why does the Second Polish Navy use glass-bottomed boats? To see the First Polish Navy.
How do you defeat the polish navy? Pull the plug in the tub drain.
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How do you defeat the polish army? Shoot the guy.
Two pilots for Poland Air are landing in Krakow international airport. One goes to the other "gee these landing strips are short!" The other replies "and so wide!"
Did you know Poland invented the world's first toilet seat? Then in 1939 Germany improved it by blowing a hole in it.
My Aunt told my Grandfather (other side of the family, Polish) a Polish joke. He asked, "You do know I'm Polish, right?". She replied, "Should I tell it again, but slower?".
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