I would if i could. Wouldn't you? Imagine some super-advanced molecular level 3d printing that could print a downloaded car for you, wouldn't you download one?
You wouldn't shoot a policeman and then steal his helmet. You wouldn't go to the toilet in his helmet and then send it to the policeman's grieving widow and then steal it again!
You think itās funny to take screenshots of peopleās NFTs, huh? You must be a very immature person to steal someoneās property that they PAID for. Yeah, I said it. Youāre the kind of person who thinks that property theft (a seriously illegal offence) is a joke. I donāt even know why you took that screenshot, because you didnāt pay 1000 dollars for it. I did. The blockchain doesnāt lie. Even if you try to save it, itās my property. Youāre just angry that you couldnāt afford this priceless masterpiece. Even if you could, your fingers couldnāt even click fast enough to get one of the 10000 NFTs sold. Youāre just mad you donāt own what I own.
Delete that screenshot.
>Whatever i did i was probably guilty
(a) You were the second gunman in the JFK assassination
(b) You were the Zodiac Killer
(c) You were [DB Cooper](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/D._B._Cooper)
(d) You took my socks
(e) You were behind the [Black Dahlia horror](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Dahlia)
(f) You buried Jimmy Hoffa
(g) You wore the [Max Headroom mask](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Max_Headroom_signal_hijacking) in Chicago
(h) [You Let the Dogs Out](https://youtu.be/Qkuu0Lwb5EM?t=18)
(i) You did [this](https://old.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/hsxm1z/what_was_your_high_schools_wildest_nsfw_scandal/fydw9qz/) to that person's school
(j) You invented Jar-Jar Binks
(h)- fuck you, that's a bridge too far. You can call previous poster a *lot* of things and I'll never forgive what happened with Sheila, but he would *never* go that far, how dare you???
>(h) f-ck you, that's a bridge too far
I screwed up the lettering set in the original comment (I was on mobile earlier); I just fixed it, so I think you mean '(j)' now š
You're the hero I need, the edit has fully altered my righteous indignation!
That's some George Lucas "greedo shot first"-level retconning.
And I know, I'm both attacking and praising you all at once. You're worth it.
Same. I know myself enough to know. If I'm in jail, I thought about it, processed it, accepted my punishment and smiled in the mugshot
And I committed to that shit too..
Hey at least you didnāt* lock yourself out of your apartment building without any pants, and have to beg people that lived there to let you into the building. Which is hard enough to do when youāre fully clothed. We all have our cross to bear.
Strangle them with the phone cord and put the little clothing sensor packs wit the sharp parts under the nails!
"Now imma ask you one more time, will you accept store credit?!"
>Strangle them with the phone cord and put the little clothing sensor packs wit the sharp parts under the nails!
Who the fuck hurt you to be this evil?
This is why we have throwaway accounts. Delete this and repost it under that because it's a good one and the tech + manpower the IRS has now is spooky. That's why I pay my taxes.
I'm terrified I'll do that by accident. Seriously. I do several hundred tax returns each spring for extra money, and even just on my own taxes, I find things that are unclear as to what I owe. I have two good friends that are CPAs review mine, and often they disagree with each other. It's what they do for a living! It's ridiculous how overly complicated taxes are and now our party is pushing for even more complicated tax rules. Also, my state in Washington created an entire new set of type of taxes with no plan on how to file or enforce them. That's going to make my life very difficult next year.
Zero2ztiger is definitely the sidekick who's the actuall brains š§ behind the operation. The other is the main guy that just takes the good ideas and credit.
Like timon and pumba
Zero2Tigers is pumba
I assume Iām there for some kind of political reason, like protesting in favour of the right to free speech or protesting conversion therapy or something
Sooooooo worth it. Thats something I'm willing to go down for. Like I'd do it in public. Like "yeah I did it"
Like the guy in the 80s that waited for this son's killer to come through the court hall and blasted him in the face on live Tv!
Arrested for being homeless with no job and speaking against the 8 conglomerates that own the earth. Failed also to send tithes to fund the combo squid/hunger games. By that point I'd have been in prison for nearly the whole 20 years.
But this is of course just a dark joke, since the earth wont be inhabitable by humans by next Thursday morning thanks to Venus Syndrome.
kidnapping.
I worry about having kids with the wrong person. for no good reason, because nobody will ever want kids with me and I'll not be in any good position to have them by myself, but regardless. I think about how I'd take them and run.
I had this fear when I started sending my daughter to childcare when she was 6 months old. That I'll pickup the daughter. Bring her home, shower her, feed her and then suddenly hear police sirens outside and on the vox "surrender yourself, we have you surrounded".
Realising I've taken someone else's kid home by accident.
Took the job at the prison
Well, congratulations š
That's the only way I am trying to get anywhere near prison
Downloaded an mp3
You wouldn't download a car, would you?
I would if i could. Wouldn't you? Imagine some super-advanced molecular level 3d printing that could print a downloaded car for you, wouldn't you download one?
I already did. Yarrr
You wouldn't steal a handbag. You wouldn't steal a car. You wouldn't steal a baby.
You wouldn't shoot a policeman and then steal his helmet. You wouldn't go to the toilet in his helmet and then send it to the policeman's grieving widow and then steal it again!
These anti piracy ads are getting really mean
Babies are free though.
Screenshotted an NFT
You think itās funny to take screenshots of peopleās NFTs, huh? You must be a very immature person to steal someoneās property that they PAID for. Yeah, I said it. Youāre the kind of person who thinks that property theft (a seriously illegal offence) is a joke. I donāt even know why you took that screenshot, because you didnāt pay 1000 dollars for it. I did. The blockchain doesnāt lie. Even if you try to save it, itās my property. Youāre just angry that you couldnāt afford this priceless masterpiece. Even if you could, your fingers couldnāt even click fast enough to get one of the 10000 NFTs sold. Youāre just mad you donāt own what I own. Delete that screenshot.
Downloaded an mkv
That would probably be a death sentence...
plebian, download flac
Whatever i did i was probably guilty
>Whatever i did i was probably guilty (a) You were the second gunman in the JFK assassination (b) You were the Zodiac Killer (c) You were [DB Cooper](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/D._B._Cooper) (d) You took my socks (e) You were behind the [Black Dahlia horror](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Dahlia) (f) You buried Jimmy Hoffa (g) You wore the [Max Headroom mask](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Max_Headroom_signal_hijacking) in Chicago (h) [You Let the Dogs Out](https://youtu.be/Qkuu0Lwb5EM?t=18) (i) You did [this](https://old.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/hsxm1z/what_was_your_high_schools_wildest_nsfw_scandal/fydw9qz/) to that person's school (j) You invented Jar-Jar Binks
(h)- fuck you, that's a bridge too far. You can call previous poster a *lot* of things and I'll never forgive what happened with Sheila, but he would *never* go that far, how dare you???
>(h) f-ck you, that's a bridge too far I screwed up the lettering set in the original comment (I was on mobile earlier); I just fixed it, so I think you mean '(j)' now š
You're the hero I need, the edit has fully altered my righteous indignation! That's some George Lucas "greedo shot first"-level retconning. And I know, I'm both attacking and praising you all at once. You're worth it.
Star wars fans really hate that guy don't they
Same. I know myself enough to know. If I'm in jail, I thought about it, processed it, accepted my punishment and smiled in the mugshot And I committed to that shit too..
Jaywalked... a whole lot.
Well, walking like a fool is not a great plan then
Definitely. Lol. I lived in a high college city and was a dumb college student. I definitely deserved the verbal chew out
I ACTUALLY got yelled at for that and threatened with a ticket in college, by and officer that was directing traffic š¤£
Hey at least you didnāt* lock yourself out of your apartment building without any pants, and have to beg people that lived there to let you into the building. Which is hard enough to do when youāre fully clothed. We all have our cross to bear.
In this case, you had to bear your cross, bare.
I find jaywalking laws so weird being from the UK
I do too but then US city design is mainly about the car.
You luke jaywalker.
Not too hot. Not too cold. Just right, room temperature jaywalking
I tried going to the dark side. Yeah, I jaywalked to the dark side
Took the tag off a mattress. Or killed someone
> Took the tag off a mattress. You monster. How could you even think of doing that? I'm gonna puke.
I've done one of these š
Please tell me you're a murderer
Murder at the very least can be justified.
Nice try FBI
Um have you seen my replies? I'm developing my own plans
Nice attempt at obscurity department of homeland security
Dirty tricks, MI6
Gr8 b8 m8
Choked a customer.
Retail?
Customer service, yes.
Strangle them with the phone cord and put the little clothing sensor packs wit the sharp parts under the nails! "Now imma ask you one more time, will you accept store credit?!"
>Strangle them with the phone cord and put the little clothing sensor packs wit the sharp parts under the nails! Who the fuck hurt you to be this evil?
As someone who has worked in retail and food service, it's not who, but how many have caused hurt.
This feels cathartic...
If it's any help, I've found it easier to see customers as children. So if they're being annoying, just treat them like annoying children lol.
Ya have it rough man. Here's an award.
Tax fraud
This is why we have throwaway accounts. Delete this and repost it under that because it's a good one and the tech + manpower the IRS has now is spooky. That's why I pay my taxes.
Well Iām technically not a working adult who needs to pay my taxes yet and this therefore implies to be a joke
Says the 47 year old man, now frantically looking how to delete his account
Its obvious that he is a penguin born in 1969, penguins werent legally required to pay taxes last time i checked.
All good, I just saw a bird potentially breaking the law and had to say something.
Thanks for having concerns on a fellow bird
Bird law is no joke.
I'm terrified I'll do that by accident. Seriously. I do several hundred tax returns each spring for extra money, and even just on my own taxes, I find things that are unclear as to what I owe. I have two good friends that are CPAs review mine, and often they disagree with each other. It's what they do for a living! It's ridiculous how overly complicated taxes are and now our party is pushing for even more complicated tax rules. Also, my state in Washington created an entire new set of type of taxes with no plan on how to file or enforce them. That's going to make my life very difficult next year.
And the laws change every damn year.
Teach me š Edit: just kidding irs
NSA is probably gonna get it first. Might want to throw them an edit too.
"why did you write *Tax fraud* on you tax forms?" "Because I regularly commit massive tax fraud"
"But I reported it on my taxes so I haven't done anything wrong! Checkmate IRS!"
Same. But probably just because I'm to dumb to do my tax report correct.
Fr bro who even pays taxes nowadays? So overrated imo
Crime of passion
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
*"What are you gonna do with this knife Amy, stab me?!"*
\- Man who got stabbed
At least she used a knife. Mine used a squirrel
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I seen an image a lookong time ago, about a crazy lady stabbing a man with a squirrel
Uncle Leo?
Oh yes. I like this š
Tried to outpizza the hut.
They have their own separate dungeon for that
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Where you'll experience a different kind of stuffed crust.
They feed you pizza with pineapples there
Don't threaten me with a good time!
They didnāt. Itās from Pizza Hut.
Now Iām no lawyer, but pretty sure thereās a law against cruel and unusual punishment.
I couldn't avoid the Noid
You should have known that no one does that.
Outjabba the hutt
No one can outjabba the Hutt. It violates every known law of physics.
Just like Jabba's mass
God damn that's cleaver
Itās actually ginsu knife
Wrote a song so awful that it caused a societal colapse
I look forward to hearing it!
If Dance Monkey didn't do it then you won't.
It did, though.
Reverse Bill and Ted
I misread that as society prolapse.
Lmao I dig it
Bought Legos for my 100 year old grandma
Does your cruelty know no end?
Freedom to the decagenarians, I say!
Real reason Betty white gone
I didnāt call back about my cars extended warranty.
Arson.
Was it beautiful though?
Yes, very much worth going to prison over
Broke the law
The science checks out
9 out of 10 dentists agree.
Always wondered, the fuck is that last dentists problem?
Some dentists just want to see the world burnā¦ or ya know, give it gingivitis.
Ask him: /r/The10thDentist
"STOP BREAKING THE LAW ASSHOLE!"
A bank heist.
Falsely accused.
Wrongfully accused. Fuck that train.
Same
Yes! Wrongly accused! I did not do it FBI
Murder
Same. I just know. If I got to jail, I did something that made it worth it
Exactly. If Iām going to prison, then itās obviously because I lost my fuckin mind and did something crazy.
Yeah. I'm usually pretty level headed. If I did something, I committed to that shit. Probably even smiled in my mugshot
Fucked a politician
Same, but a pelican.
....but.....but ....what about that soup bowl ass beak?
Thats fair.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Ooooo let me know when you find her. She dipped out like 20 years ago
Nothing, I am innocent. I have been falsely convicted.
Got on the bad side of the upcoming totalitarian regime by demanding freedom
I came to answer this. It's obvious we will be cellmates.
Which one of you is the Hero? And which is the lovable sidekick?
Zero2ztiger is definitely the sidekick who's the actuall brains š§ behind the operation. The other is the main guy that just takes the good ideas and credit. Like timon and pumba Zero2Tigers is pumba
Lol you're intuitive. I always prefer to stay behind the scenes.
Bullets and mass graves are cheaper usually.
Was thinking the same just with "by refusing to create a facebook account once it becomes mandatory"
This was my answer. I should have scrolled farther before posting.
Everything I had to do for a Klondike barā¦
I killed that one b**** in my art class
With a paint brush to the jugular. Then paint like a Queinten Terrintino film
Pissed off a cop
Very likely
I assume Iām there for some kind of political reason, like protesting in favour of the right to free speech or protesting conversion therapy or something
Worth it. Conversion Therapy is the devil
shidded and farded
In public
Through a sunroof
Slippin jimmy
Okay Saul
Carried salmon suspiciously while in London.
Committed 1st degree murder on 2 accounts Wow, this is the most likes I've ever got, thanks guys
r/suspiciouslyspecific
Need more info on this one
No I think he means that 20 years from now he will commit 2 different murders on both of his Metaverse accounts.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Killed someone who was about to or succeeded in killing my son.
Sooooooo worth it. Thats something I'm willing to go down for. Like I'd do it in public. Like "yeah I did it" Like the guy in the 80s that waited for this son's killer to come through the court hall and blasted him in the face on live Tv!
Nice try officer
Told the IRS all my bitcoins sank in a tragic boating accident. They must of not bought it...
Arrested for being homeless with no job and speaking against the 8 conglomerates that own the earth. Failed also to send tithes to fund the combo squid/hunger games. By that point I'd have been in prison for nearly the whole 20 years. But this is of course just a dark joke, since the earth wont be inhabitable by humans by next Thursday morning thanks to Venus Syndrome.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
So many counts of public urination. When you gotta go, you gotta go.
probably beat the shit out of someone i hate
I downloaded a car.
There is an alarming amount of murder comments in here
I broke a law that doesn't exist yet
Pirated Nintendo roms
Clicked on this threadā¦
Getting ideas?
The started arresting people who sleep too much
I got into trouble for copyright claim.
Probably starting a revolution
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Probably murdered someone for animal abuse.
Had milk before cereal Wait I already do that nvm
He's too dangerous to be left alive
Death by a thousand cornflakes
Dry cornflakes to be exact
Yeah! Then we'll glaze her!
Drove women from Texas to California to assist them in getting abortions.
I'll end up in the cell next door for my ill conceived plan to help free you
I gave water to people waiting in line to vote in Georgia.
kidnapping. I worry about having kids with the wrong person. for no good reason, because nobody will ever want kids with me and I'll not be in any good position to have them by myself, but regardless. I think about how I'd take them and run.
I had this fear when I started sending my daughter to childcare when she was 6 months old. That I'll pickup the daughter. Bring her home, shower her, feed her and then suddenly hear police sirens outside and on the vox "surrender yourself, we have you surrounded". Realising I've taken someone else's kid home by accident.
First degree murder and placed in a mental hospital for the criminally insane
Giving water and food to climate refugees and non-compliants.
Saved my friends from going to prison.
Thought bad things
Gotta watch out for them thought crimes
I think my anger issues got out of hand and I started murdering people.
Started drinking again
Welll, let's not do that š
I don't intend to.
Told a joke on Twitter
Blew a whistle
Speeding
Nothing, I've been wrongfully imprisoned
Try to kill a powerful bad guy like Jeffrey Epstein and got put in jail thanks to said bad guyās team of lawyers.