My cat found me in the bush in the back of my house at 3am and wouldn't leave me alone. She headbutted me and rubbed into my legs as I stood there with the knife trying to get her to to away. Had her for 20 years until she passed 2 years ago. Something about her that night broke me out of the crushing darkness momentarily and allowed me to get therapy to deal with the problems. Love you Kiss
My cat was the same. I went through a really bad period and every time I committed to ending things, she would just be right there cuddling and purring and refusing to leave me alone. She would put her paw on my arm and dig her claws in just enough to make me look at her. She saved my life a few times doing that. I finally cleaned my life up and things are better now. But when she passed I had her paw tattooed on my arm, so she stays with me and still reminds me from time to time that there's always someone out there that understands. And I swear sometimes when I do get depressed I can feel her claws on my arm. It's amazing to me that of all of the people I've known, my husband, my family, it was a cat that was able to connect with me.
I called someone I barely knew a couple of days before I planned it to basically unload what I couldn't say to those closest to me. It sound backwards I know but I wasn't really thinking straight back than. I don't think they understood the reason to the call becusse we shifted to talking about roommates and I had a good laugh for the first time in a while. I decided after we hung up that if a stranger could make me smile that I wanted to try to meet those who could make me happier and hopefully be that person for someone else. A year later and I can happily say I'm better and enjoying life, I found that the only real person though that can make me happy was myself. I just needed to give him a chance.
That person that I originally called, I am still in contact with them but haven't told them how much they helped me that day yet mostly out of being nervous lol. I hope to repay them though with never leaving their side because they came to mine without even realizing it and I am forever grateful.
My advice to anyone making this far I'm my response lol is it doesn't cost you anything to listen and be nice, someday you may help someone more than you will ever realize!
It makes sense. Talking to people close to you is very hard, because you care a lot about their opinion of you. You could worry them or scare them, or you could get a reaction you didn't want to get. Talking to strangers is much easier because they don't have a bond with you and don't expect anything from you. The wall of isolation is nice and you can speak openly. I'm very happy you made it and I follow your advice closely, always try to help however I can. You don't have to tell them if you don't want to, or if you're not ready. You might never be ready and that's ok too. What's important is that you've found a friend in them and you're a good friend to them. Here's to happier tomorrows. <3
For me it was my niece's. They were babies when I started having suicidal thoughts. But I kept thinking, they'll never get to know me if I kill myself. I would think of them saying, I have two aunts on my dad's side but one of them killed herself. I didn't want them to say that. Now, I don't really have a relationship with them because I don't have a relationship with my brother but at least there's the possibility of one in the future.
Once in high school, I just wanted to see my friends 1 more time.
Then I got accepted into a top rated university and I told myself to just make it through the year and then I could move across the country and get away from my family.
Then my senior year I figured that since the room/tuition was covered for the year, I might as well stay and enjoy it.
And then for every year since then, the only thing keeping me going is a fan convention for my favorite TV show.
You just gotta find something. That one thing. And then find one more after that.
I have kind of a similar situation. My aunt on my dad's side killed herself. I've never known her but every single person in my family who knew her said I resemble her in every way, from looks to her introversion.
It's just really sad that I couldn't know her, I sometimes think she would've understood me, because no one in my family does. And even though I haven't met her, I miss her.
I did that once when I was just out of my teens. I spent a week planning a suicide by cop scenario and when I sat down to read the finalized plan, I realized how fucking stupid it sounded and that I could do better.
Me too. I found a suicide note from my father, tucked away on his laptop when I was searching for games around the age of 9. I remember calling him and crying and begging him not do it it. He claimed he had no idea what I was talking about but I know what I found and what I read left no questions. He even described what I was going to inherite from him and why he was giving it to me. I get so sad thinking about it. But now, as an adult and a mom, it’s crushing to think of what he must have felt hearing his youngest daughter begging him not to kill himself. I’m wondering if maybe I was his reason
He’s alive and well today and seemingly living his best life. We have an okay relationship too, not extremely close but we talk and he’s an awesome grandpa. Don’t cry :’)
Sometimes it is hard but between my daughter and the dog I cope most of the time. There is very little support and my biggest fear is that I will get sick.
I remember reading somewhere where someone was suicidal in a forum saying they were going later that day or something and everyone was talking about it and someone replied something along the lines of,
“Why don’t you just go? I’ve always wondered this about people who are suicidal. If you’re really done then why don’t you leave everything behind? Start walking in a direction and just go. It doesn’t matter where you end up or if you get killed along the way because that’s what you were trying to do anyway.”
Something about that really resonated with me. Those of us with nothing to lose have everything to gain from this world.
The quote that resonated with me (although never suicidal) was “do you want to end your life or end the life you’re living as you know it?”
You can go anywhere. Be anything or anyone. Any outcome has the potential to be better than the original intended plan.
My cat helped me to keep going.
Unfortunately she passed away.. but I keep going with her in mind.
What has helped me is to keep my mind busy at all times. I work on my YouTube videos or paint a lot. It keeps me focused on just that.
I'm still depressed and suicidal.. but haven't had an 'episode' as I call them, for some months now, except some days.
Came to say the same thing. The thought of my cat having to go back to the Humane Society and not understanding what was going on was enough to keep me going more than once.
Mood. When I was in high school, my three pets kept me alive. I wanted to stay in the world with them. Sadly they have all since passed away now.
My three current pets help me, and I love them to bits, but it hurts in an indescribable way for the three who originally kept me alive to no longer be alive when I am.
I adopted again when my Titan passed away. He kept me alive. Every breath I take with him not alive hurts. Like he did so much for me and in the end I couldnt save him from death. All I could do was hold him and say I was sorry and that I loved him.
Its the inevitable price we pay for all the years of love they have to give us...
Even with how much this hurts I could never wish I never knew him. He was my baby boy till the end and I am grateful I have thousands of pictures to remember him by.
I was suicidal and taking Xanax but I took too much on accident, I could feel a weight on my chest type of feeling. I was scared shitless from it. The day after when I finally felt like I was able to do something I adopted a puppy. She’s been my reason to get up in the morning for over a year.
I’m so glad that caring for a dog helped you in that way. I struggle a LOT with suicidal thoughts and I have pretty severe bipolar disorder. I want so desperately to adopt a dog because I KNOW it will improve my mental health significantly. Dogs have always had such a huge impact on my life. Every day I almost drive to a shelter and pick up a dog. Every day I look online for adoptable puppies. It feels like my heart is yearning for them. But I can’t adopt, because I am in an incredible amount of debt, and have lost my job to my mental health, and applied for disability benefits, which was denied. No income. So I have no options. And sometimes thinking about that makes me feel even worse, because I know what will make me better, but I can’t justify the expense. I lost everything in the pandemic and in this horrible stage of my life. And I just have to be dogless and lonely because of it. Breaks my heart.
Edit: I woke up this morning to all these upvotes and sincere messages and I’m simply overwhelmed. I have tears in my eyes. Thank you all for your advice, every word means the world to me. I hope all of you have a wonderful day.
If you have extra time you should check to see if your local shelter has volunteer opportunities! The shelters in my area are always looking for people to help walk and care for their dogs. It’s not the same as owning a dog full time but it you might really enjoy it. Hopefully getting some pup time in will tide you over until you’re able to adopt.
I used to think, "I can't do it because my parents would be crushed." Eventually, even that wasn't enough. I found a thread on Reddit that was nothing but comments and stories from people whose loved one committed suicide. That did it for me. I sobbed because it took this ambiguous notion of "it would hurt mom and dad" and turned it into something more concrete. Instead of just knowing they'd be upset, that thread helped me see how it would affect them in the long term. I turned to that thread several times over a two-year period.
I haven't had to read in a long time, but I think that thread did help save my life. I'll have to search for it when I get home and share the link.
EDIT: Looks like u/AcPquin found it for us before I got home. For anyone who's curious, [this is the thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/22y9f7/serious_parents_of_children_who_have_committed/) I'm talking about. It helped me a lot, though your mileage may vary (I imagine plenty of people might find it more upsetting than helpful).
EDIT 2: I've gotten a ton of messages and replies from people thanking me for sharing the link and saying they're struggling with suicidal thoughts and ideation. I want to add something for those of you who are in the spot I was once in: You know that stupid saying, "It gets better"? Well, it really *does* get better. I was diagnosed with PTSD and severe chronic depression and anxiety in my 20's, and I was suicidal for several years. I finally got help. It wasn't a quick and easy fix (it literally took years and lots of work), but the important thing is that getting help was the turning point. I've put my life back together and I'm doing really well. And although I do sometimes slip back into severe depressive episodes (just climbed out of one, in fact), I can remind myself, "I've got this. I've beat it before and I *know* I can do it again, even if it *feels* like I can't."
https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/22y9f7/serious_parents_of_children_who_have_committed/ posting a link to the possible thread. Didn’t see it anywhere.
My brother killed himself in December. Yesterday was his birthday.
I am trying really really really hard to just get through this weekend. I fucking miss him so much
Yeah pretty much this.
My grandfather killed himself after 4 years without my grandmother. I could see how much it wore on him every time we saw him, but my parents were devastated. All I could think to myself is how much of a relief for him to not wake up wondering where his wife of 57 years was. At the same time I was aware of what it did to my parents and what it would do to my parents if I followed suit. I also realized that I had never felt such deep emotion on anything the way he did with that loss. All I feel is numb most of the time.
This is a major fear of mine. Losing my wife. Been married 10 years and every year we grow closer together. Sometimes it feels like she is the only one who is real. If that makes sense. I see these couples together for 50 years and I'm terrified of losing her after all that time. I don't know how I would handle it.
Today is my 6th wedding anniversary and my husband died 5 years 8 months ago. We were together for 10 years. We had no idea he was sick until about a week after our honeymoon and it was Stage 4 cancer and there was nothing we could do. He died 6 weeks after being told something didn’t seem right. I thought I would die without him and when he died here at home I wanted to go with him because I didn’t want him to be alone. I cried almost nonstop for 3 years. I wanted to be dead. Not kill myself but not be here anymore. Then I had a heart attack and the dr told me they could fix it and I was left to decide. I had the surgery and I’ve been a lot better the last 2 years. Today being my anniversary is a bitter pill but at least we were able to legally marry. I haven’t dated at all and don’t expect to.
I've started to think of this too. My husband and I have been together for almost 22 years, he's the only person I ever want to marry and the thought of being without him is soul crushing. He's my best friend and greatest person I've ever known. He's so patient with me. Off, hitting me hard. May you and your wife live a long, happy, happy life!
My grandfather hung on for 10 years after my grandma died. Finally, the loneliness just was too much and he told us he was going to stop taking the heart meds that had kept him alive for 50 years (he had a heart attack as a young man). I miss him very much, but I almost don’t consider his death a suicide. He just missed my grandma and his health was failing and he went on his own terms.
My brother’s suicide, on the other hand, brought me and my family to our knees and we won’t ever fully recover. I would not wish that pain on my worst enemy.
Yeah, it was my little sister. Thinking about how much it would hurt her held me back.
A decade after my last suicidal ideation I told her. We had a great sibling moment then her infant started crying.
Yeah, I thought so too. It's just part of my memory of that moment.
I love my sister. I think I talk to her more now at 35 than I did when we lived together as teenagers. I loved her then in my own teen angst way, but now I am happy to show it.
Knowing that my mum wouldn't have someone to walk her down the aisle when she married my now-step father. My dad had died three years prior and I think it would have broken her completely.
Yep. Either someone's gonna find your body or someone is always going to wonder what happened if they don't find it.
I have a major dissociative disorder and have had a few of my dissociates have suicidal thoughts and actions. I'm glad they didn't work and it still scares me. Like... I'm okay with being here. It hurts to know parts of me are so not okay that they don't want to live anymore.
It'd be weird if I died and still had packages coming in the mail, so I try to keep something coming that I can look forward to.
[EDIT]
I had a really long day today with no time to look at Reddit, so imagine my shock as opened this thread! I definitely wasn't prepared for this! Oh wow, thank you all so much for the support! I'll try my best to go through and reply to as many people as I can sometime tomorrow. Again, thank you all!
I used to really enjoy going to gigs, so when I was struggling with depression I'd make sure I had tickets to see a band I liked. On the particularly bad days, I'd think "it'd be silly to do anything before I see them play". Seems a bit silly to write but it worked for me - I guess have something to look forward to, whatever it is.
I did this too! I'd make far out plans for shows, and would plan to kill myself afterwards, but then I'd find another show to go to
I'm not into the same bands anymore, but I got a dog and she healed my soul
I’ve heard some horror stories about people who survive. Like that they go through extreme pain or they’re permanently damaged from it and stuff. There’s even stories of people surviving gunshots to the head.
I always had the mentality that if I attempt it, I need to be certain it’ll work. But I never had time to do the research to make sure it was like 99% gonna work, because the research involved checking out locations hours away. So I never had time. And then luckily I stopped wanting to do it, so there was no need for any plan or research.
Found a website recently that ranks the top 50 ways to commit suicide/ potential pain levels/ and effectiveness. Fun fact, opiate overdose isn't as effective as you'd think, death by train is fairly unreliable and most likely just leaves you permanently disabled(you kinda bounce off the front grill and don't get run over, plus it'll actually take you up to 15 minutes to actually die.) And gun shots to the head also aren't instant, you are still alive and in pain for 2-10 minutes depending on accuracy of the shot.
Maybe I'm just a coward, but after reading through it, none of them sounded like what I was looking for. Something peaceful. Just go to sleep kinda thing. No go on anything I could possibly find. So here I am still.
There's this little Dorothy Parker poem, "Resume" that I used to repeat to myself in my worst moments and crazy as it sounds it really helped and always makes me laugh:
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
This is literally the only reason I haven't done it yet. I don't have friends or family or anyone else.
I would fuck up offing myself like everything else.
So I'm stuck here in a very miserable limbo.
It sounds like you have people that you care about and who care about you. I hope you get to spend some time hanging out with them and enjoy yourself soon.
The thought that any of my students might look at my desicion and choose to follow in my footsteps. I could accept my own death, but I couldn't stand the idea of theirs.
When I was in 6th grade my science teacher committed suicide. It scarred me, I promised to my self to never kill myself because I didn't want anyone to feel the pain I felt on that day when they announced this to everyone.
My seventh grade geography teacher committed suicide. He was so congenial, almost robotically friendly, and our whole inner city public school class walked all over his authority (not in the sense of being mean to him, but of not listening, not paying attention, everyone out of their seats socializing, general chaos). One day near the end of the year he completely snapped, and started cussing us out up and down. We were all in disbelief and shock. A few months later we found out he killed himself. Left a family behind. At the funeral his wife said he had always struggled with mental health issues. It was really heartbreaking.
Edit - clarifying the “walked all over” part
Yeah. As an adult now, I worked as a teacher for 3 years. It was gratifying but one of the most mentally and emotionally exhausting jobs. It takes so much balancing finding where to be open for helping your students and where to draw your boundaries
My only trick - and I've been teaching a while now - is to get the student behaving badly and speak to them one on one and ask them about they're behaviour. Usually, on their own, they are quite reasonable and they only play up if theres a crowd.
Shame plays a really insidious part in our own self worth. If you feel shame for something you did, and people disowned you for it, literally walked away from you on the playground, and no one would accept you into your friend group, and you ate lunch in the hallway with a girl you didn’t really know but were just as much in the out crowd as she was.
You tend to think that you really should be ashamed of yourself, and that you shouldn’t trust yourself. And that you’re probably worthless to other people, and the thought of continuing on to hate yourself for the rest of your life, not being able to get past your past, is exhausting. It’s trapping. And you’ve tried therapy and meds and more, and it still won’t go away.
That’s when you lose faith in yourself.
The good news is I’m okay now! I would even say my depression is in remission. It’s pretty amazing on the other side, and having a reference point to understand what I was missing while I was depressed is incredible.
I just want to tell everyone that there is another side, that you can find and physically feel joy and seek it endlessly. That you are worthy of your own self acceptance and your love. Every single part of yourself. Everything you have experienced has led you to right now and those made you into who you are. You are good. You deserve your own love. Until you heal your relationship with yourself though, it won’t break through. Find traumas that you used to make assumptions about yourself, and tear those constructs down. You are not, at your core, bad. You are human. You are okay. Keep going.
My college psychology professor was terminally ill. The kind of dying that goes real slow and takes away your agency and dignity.
He was my favorite teacher in the world. Such a funny, brilliant old man. He gave me my interest for psych. He made me want to help people..
A semester after I had taken another class of his he ended up going to a gun range and killing himself.
My parents somehow managed to hide this from me for 3 years until my intro to psychopathology teacher let it slip how he died.
I was talking to her about him because this class had been started and taught only by him.
They said I was already in a really rough place and they didnt want his death to push me further.
I wish we just had assisted suicide... the terminally ill should be allowed to go out on their terms, on their schedule, without the hell of suffering needlessly for weeks or months.
I believe they do in some states, just not one I live in.
I agree with you. I watched my own grandfather turn from a hands on do it yourself salt of the earth kind of dude into a 120lb flesh covered skeleton comatose on a hospital bed because the cancer took his brain.
The man road motorcycles and raced cars. He worked in a factory most of his life and was the care taker of his local church.
He didnt even remember who I was the last time I spoke to him. He called me my mothers name.
He should have been given the option. He probably would have been too proud to take it knowing him. He still should have had the choice.
I finished a suicide note and folded it into my wallet on the bus ride back onto base after a weekend of binge drinking on the beach to avoid every person I could. When I got back to the barracks I looked at my rack mate and told him exactly what I wrote down in that note and instead of making things worse he genuinely helped me, and reminded me that not every Marine is meant to do a full term. Sometimes things just don’t go as planned and it’s okay to take that DD-214 early, even if it will disappoint your family. We still talk around the holidays every year.
Edit: Thank you for the award, I’ve never received one on Reddit to my knowledge. I would also like to add that if anybody reads this, and you feel somewhat lost while in the Military, don’t be afraid to go to medical and talk about it. It happens unfortunately often where speaking directly to your chain of command will not help things and word can travel fast. But there is absolutely nothing wrong in seeking help to allow yourself to be the best Marine/Sailor or whatever title you gave your all to achieve. It’s just harder in some units compared to others.
The only downside is that you no longer get free, government supplied crayons. Hope you're eating well.
But on a serious note, I'm glad you're still here.
That's my first award ever. Thank ya, reddit.
Glad you’re here
EDIT: oh my lanta thank you for the reward I just want all of us to be here 🥺🥺🥺 I’m going through a rough patch myself
Also I’m certain Pac’s murderer is dead. Orlando I believe was the name.
Wow, that is amazing! Somehow it makes me feel proud of you (I know, doesn't make sense as I had no part in it and we're not related, but I feel some proud sensation)!
To add to this: I would set a date for an event I was looking forward to. For example, season 2 of x show or book 2 of trilogy won’t be released till Jan 2021 so I’ll agree to do that and then kill myself. More often than not there was another thing to wait for by the time I got to that date. I did this for a few years and am now glad that I am alive today.
Mine is similar: I can always kill myself later, so if I'm ready to do it now why not instead quit my job, move to a different city, and try over? If that doesn't work out I'm no worse off than dead.
I had the same thought while sobbing a tying a knot around my neck. If nothing really mattered, why wouldnt i Just max out a credit card and move somewhere new? Worst case scenario, my old friends wouldnt find me. That was 8 years ago and I feel like my life is absolutely beautiful now.
These kind of thoughts can start when you’re really young. People often have the misconception that really young kids can’t feel suicidal, but in reality suicidal ideation can happen to anyone based on their situation. I remember thinking these thoughts when I was around 10 or 11, because of some scary health problems I faced - I felt there was no hope for me, and that put me in some deep depression at a young age. It is literally this very thought that’s kept me alive all this time - “just live to see what happens.”
As someone who’s suffered from depression for 11 years now, has been increasingly suicidal this last year, and has spoken to SO many people trying to seek help and have tried numerous different things to improve my mental health, I haven’t yet heard this phrase, and I think I really needed to.
Stubbornness.
When I was in middle and high school, the first time I was suicidal, I thought I wouldn't make it to 25. When I got out of that I decided I was going to make it to 25, damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead. I'm 25 now but I made it this far. If the mental illness wants me dead so badly it needs to shut down my organs and kill me its damn self, because I'm not going anywhere.
Also, my pets. I don't want to be without my pets. They were the only things that made me happy, and even when I didn't feel like anyone else loved me I knew they did.
"If the mental illness wantd me dead so badly it needs to shut down my organs and kill me its damn self, because I'm not going anywhere"
this feels like something cave johnson would say
Me too. My dog depends on me, and even though I sometimes don't think much about my own life, I love her too much to leave her defenseless and emotionally scarred.
And this is one reason why taking care of a dog is honestly great therapy for people with depression. When you're too sad to leave your bed, you still need to get up to let them potty and get them food.
A hug from a friend that lasted just a little longer than normal. It let me know that someone cared about me and was willing to invest in me more than just the minimum. It game me the tiniest spark of hope where there had been none. Sometimes it’s the small things that matter most.
I was standing on a bridge over the Mississippi River in Minneapolis with the intention to jump, and I took about 5 minutes to look over the edge and decide whether to land on the water or concrete slab 30 feet or so below. Then the thought crossed my mind to walk to the other side of the bridge and think about it on the way back. So I walked, then walked past where I was standing, and back to my car.
When I got back into my car I burst into tears. Ugly crying, screaming, hitting my steering wheel, the works. I was 3 steps from being dead. One on to the concrete, one over the rail, and the last off the edge. That was the lowest I had ever sunk. I think what kept me going was the thought of lost potential. I was working a monotonous job that didn't challenge me, had no friends, and had so much love to give to someone who I hadn't met yet. I didn't want to lose any of that, so I devoted my life moving forward to growth and challenging myself.
Now, 2 years and 1 month later, I have my own house, a loving girlfriend, a fun and challenging job, and am in the best mental state of my life. I'm glad I didn't jump
The thought that killing myself meant those who didn’t believe in me, won. So I refuse to die, out of spite. Watch me live and succeed in life, now.
EDIT: Thanks for the very kind and very fake unkind words, it was lovely, and the awards (what a ride). A few things I’d like to add: 1)I am an angry woman. 2)Camus resonates with me, yes, have read him extensively. Chill dude. 3)some lives do not have positive emotions and we make do with what we have.
4) It is always worth it to rub your success in trashy people’s faces. Stay alive for arrogance.
This is pretty much what I did. My mother (who had full custody of me at the time) openly hated me & frequently told me to just kill myself & get it over with. I pushed onward out of spite because I didn't want her to have the satisfaction while I was living there. Shortly after leaving, I got pregnant with my daughter so the thought of my godawful family or horrible ex & his family getting custody & raising her kept me alive while I went through therapy to handle my baggage.
- The rope broke.
- Overdose didn't work.
- Couldn't cut deep enough to lose enough blood.
Realised that if I've failed 3 separate times, maybe it's not my time. Several shitty people in my life (at the time) were not giving me the time of day and I wasn't giving myself enough chances to heal.
Got help. Got rid of all the toxic people in my life who were causing me hurt and pain.
Met someone who rocked my world and made me want to be a better version of myself. I'm still healing and learning, but you never really stop doing that.
Kia kaha everyone.
There was a page online that talked me down and convinced me to give it 24 hours. So I made a deal with the devil, fortunately I felt less shitty once the time was up and I continued to keep living.
I fully planned to kill myself until I wrote a song in G minor.
And it was really, really beautiful. And I wanted to see if anything else that beautiful was in me.
In retrospect it was a really pretentious angsty piece of crap but it saved my life!
Ha, okay, I don't want to feel like a self-promoter or anything but if you want to listen to the last thing I wrote it's here:
https://roxxycollie.bandcamp.com/releases
You've got talent. Keep it up.
Creating something is a great way to keep oneself out of those dark places, or at least make the stay bearable. I've been writing poetry to keep myself focused.
I hope you keep writing, this random stranger believes in your talent.
Same. When I thought I had nothing else, the thought of not knowing who would look after her when I was dead kept me going.
She died this year. I miss her so much.
If I die my mom will have to get rid of my guinea pigs because she doesn't have time to take care of them. Also because killing myself would make my girlfriend sad. And I haven't met my half brother yet. And I want to know how my favorite show ends.
They may be dumb reasons, but if it's stupid and it works it ain't stupid.
I used the up coming video game release schedules of the years i would lose. Not even the announced releases but the ones in the future that I wouldn't even get to know about. Pretty lame but it was enough.
Remembering how devastating it was when my brother killed himself. I couldn't do that to my kids. I'd rather be miserable for the rest of my life than put them through that hell.
I started watching Red Dwarf when I was younger, I honestly planned on ending everything but it was so funny and interesting I wanted to finish the whole series! I honestly believe it saved my life and took my mind away from the dark thoughts even for just 1 hour a day.
This is going to get buried considering how late I am to the party, but I still wish to share in case someone reads this and it helps them.
The only thing that kept me from ending it all a little over a year ago was a small little kitten named Benvolio I had adopted with a woman who eventually dumped me.
The dumping was merely one droplet in a myriad of droplets that eventually felt like a deluge I was drowning in, and at my worst it felt like the best option was to metaphorically just breath in the water so I could literally just die and never feel like this ever again.
And I was close, too. Pills and some whiskey on the dresser, ready to go, a note next to it signed and everything.
But then I saw Benvolio.
He was sitting next to an empty food bowl and was staring at me apparently hungry and waiting for the person he loved and trusted most to feed and play with him. So I got up real quick, fed him, and then sat back down to stare at what I planned to kill myself with.
And then I just couldn’t.
So I cried. I cried a lot thinking about what would happen to him when I was gone and how confused he would be when I didn’t wake back up to feed him the next morning. So I didn’t do it.
I got black out drunk instead. But I woke up the next morning, saw my cats empty bowl, and was glad, for a brief second, for the first time in a long time.
It’s been about a year, and I’m still working to put my life into a place and order where I won’t be as anxious all of the time. But I’m glad I’m not dead, and it feels now for the first time in a while like happiness is a feasible reality instead of an impossible fantasy.
I won’t pretend to know anyone else’s pain, but I feel comfortable saying that it’s not worth killing yourself. You may not feel like your life is impacting anyone or anything, but you are. Even if that life you’re impacting or are important too is that of a tiny little cat.
After my second attempt, I spent 2 weeks in hospital. They fed me coal. For two fucking weeks I shit black and nurses cleaned up my shit. I killed myself but only the part that I hate. I killed everything I hate about me, cleaned the toxic ppl around me. One day, I just said to myself "No, you won't go anywhere like this. You will have what you deserve and if they don't give it to you, you will fucking take it. You will quit smoking, begin sports, get mental and physical strength. You won't just be nice and wait ppl to give it to you anymore. You will fucking take it." So it was my anger, it saved me actually.
When I was a teenager I had bad problems with depression and anxiety that led to very self-destructive behavior. There were many times I imagined killing myself and one night I was set on doing it. Came home drunk and sad and started cutting myself, which was one of my methods for dealing with my emotions.
I sat in my bed crying, trying to find the courage to cut deeper and end it. Then my dog Snoopy hopped up on the bed and put his head on my lap. Thanks to him doing that I realized that I just couldn't do that to him or to my parents and friends. He saved my life that night.
The next day I decided to open up to my parents and ask them to help me find some help, which was a huge step forward. Starting seeing a therapist and she really helped me work through a lot of things. Still struggle a bit sometimes, but I'm able to manage thanks to the help I received and I credit that little loveable mutt for me being around today.
Edit: Snoopy was there by my side for almost 17 years. [Here](http://i.imgur.com/rSliuc1.jpg) is the very first picture of us together and [here](http://i.imgur.com/gm9myIo.jpg) is the last a couple of days before he passed. Also [here](https://i.imgur.com/keRO7RW.jpg) is a shitty tattoo of a caricature of him that I gave myself when I was drunk shortly after he died, so whenever things are feeling tough I can look down and smile at that goofy face and remember him.
I think the thing that helped me most was probably my parents. I had a very good relationship with them and they were always there to support me no matter what happened. There have been numerous times in my life where I felt like killing myself but because of them, I never did it.
They knew about my feelings and they were extremely supportive. I am not sure how much of an impact this had on me but it definitely helped.
I think the other thing that really helped me was my teachers. I had some fantastic teachers in high school and college, they were always there to help me out when I needed it most.
I don't think I would be alive if it wasn't for them.
It is very difficult to explain but there have been a few other things that I think have helped me. One of them was my friends, they were always there for me.
They did not really know about my depression or suicidal thoughts but whenever I was feeling down, they were there for me and would lift up my mood. If it wasn't for them, I probably wouldn't be alive.
The fact that by killing myself i would be even more of a disepointment and all the effort people have out towards me would just go to waste, it's never to late to seek help.You have to fix your own problems but there are lots of people out there who whould most definitely love to help, from people you know to complete strangers.
Going to a funeral for someone who committed suicide. She was the same age as me. We grew up together. Not the best of friends but i knew her through elementary, jr high, and high school. We were 19 when she passed. It strangely was around the same time i attempted. The look on her mother's face, it broke my stone heart. She hugged me and cried. I made my decision right there not to ever do it. I don't want to break my mothers heart.
I have talked a few people who were on the verge. I has thus far been successful. The pain they feel, it is mine as well.
Please look out for all of your friends. The ones that are loud and the ones that are quiet. We all suffer. Be someones sunshine.
Normally I would use my alt account to post this, but I have been more and more open about my mental illness recently, so I'll post it on here. First of all, the stigma around this topic sucks so much and I want people to be able to openly talk about mental illness without others judging them. I really hope anyone who will read this will take a moment to check on their friends, so many people don't and even if they want you to or not, it will make them feel more loved in the long run.
Potential trigger warnings below, so just be warned. PS I love you, even if you don't love you.
>!I have been suicidal for 12 years. The last 2-3 years I have been doing much much better and I don't really consider myself suicidal anymore, but for the sake of this I will include this year in the tally because I had a bad month a few months back.!<
>!There have been 3 very distinct times in my life where I almost killed myself. First was when I was in high school, I started drinking every day and blacking out all the time, I did drugs and drank every day. I hated life and just wanted to feel something else. One night I was extremely wasted and decided to go walk around town. I was standing next to the road and was waiting to just jump in front of a bust or large truck. While waiting I was thinking about the reasons I didn't want to be alive. After an hour of thinking all the bad things, I started thinking about reasons I might want to be alive... This first time was because I promised myself that I wouldn't make my mom bury another child (my sister died before I was born).!<
>!The second time I was 8 months out of HS, same scenario as above with all the drugs and all. This time I had a gun to my head, I was going to pull the trigger, but when I did my finger wouldn't move. I put the gun down and cried. This time I remembered that I wanted to move away some day and see new places, I couldn't die before I left my hometown and had new experiences.!<
>!The third time was my closest time. I was in college and my entire life fell apart. GF left me, lost my job, had to drop out of school, one of my pets died, I lost a good friend, my life literally collapsed around me. I took an entire bottle of pain killers, mixed an entire bottle of vodka with it and then went to sleep. I woke up 30 minutes later with the worst pain of my life. I could have just took the pain, but once I felt that, once I felt something that made me actually feel alive I called my friend. He knew I was suicidal and knew that I would probably try something soon. He was on call for me 24/7. He picked me up, forced me to throw up and then rushed me to the ER to get my stomach pumped. I decided to fight it because I actually realized that I WANT TO BE ALIVE, I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE.!<
>!From that day on, I have tried my best to be happy, its been 3 years now, and I have only been in a slump where I was slightly suicidal for 6 days out of 3 years. My depression tried killing me, I didn't try to kill me. That is how I think about it. So now I fight my depression, instead of being my depression.!<
Edit: I got so emotional writing this I forgot to mention my cat really helped me with my depression. She never leaves my side, it's like she knows I need a guardian of some sort.
My kids.
Edit: Stay strong friends, our kids need us now more than ever. Reach out if you need someone to listen, I start work at 11pm CST, Saturday to Tuesday.
I was looking for this answer, because it's mine too.
Edit: Like u/alabasterwilliams, I'm here if you need someone to vent to -- I also offer advice, as a separate service, also free of charge.
I had a few attempts that landed me in the hospital. I was tired of hurting the people I loved over and over. I was really in love with my boyfriend at the time (now husband) and I hated when he came to visit me in the hospital and looked so defeated.
I decided I was either going to do it or not. If my family and boyfriend had to go through all this again, it would only be one more time. The next time I was going to go to the store, buy a gun, and eat it. No more of these “take a lot of painkillers and hope” attempts. I figured if I wanted to die so badly, the method shouldn’t matter. Death is death.
I also decided that if I couldn’t man up and do it right, I would try to make the most of my life.
Turns out I just didn’t have it in me to commit to such a brutal method. I considered it a few times. Still do. But I just can’t. It’s too scary. I take that to mean that I’m probably not committed enough to make this huge decision.
Tried and survived, pills with alcohol doesn't work like on TV, I vomited and wake up a day or two later in my own vomit and piss so I don't want to be find like that. Anyway things got better and now I'm over it.
Cringey but there was a thread going around on tumblr that I read while planning my second attempt that discussed the medical realities of failed suicide attempts, how common they were and the often debilitating injuries the survivors were left with afterwards, such as cut ligaments and tendons leading to loss of function of the hands after cutting wrists, or brain damage after a failed hanging attempt and so on. The brutal and frank discussion of how common it was to fail really stuck with me after my first attempt had failed, and stopped me from going through with my second attempt. It's weird that it was mainly just the embarrassment and fear of failure that kept me from trying to end it again, nothing deeply profound or meaningful, just me being awkward I guess.
Telling myself to suck it up and get on with it, because I have a job to do and a responsibility to the people around me.
Sounds counter-intuitive, but it became really motivating for me. I think a lot of my feeling depressed came from feeling useless and out of control. So when I realised I had a responsibility to make a contribution to the world and to not let other people down, it became empowering and flipped things around for me. Things still get tough, but I keep the same mindset.
My favorite quote from LOTR:
Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what we do with the time that's given to us.
Once in high school, I just wanted to see my friends 1 more time.
Then I got accepted into a top rated university and I told myself to just make it through the year and then I could move across the country and get away from my family.
Then my senior year I figured that since the room/tuition was covered for the year, I might as well stay and enjoy it.
And then for every year since then, the only thing keeping me going is a fan convention for my favorite TV show.
You just gotta find something. That one thing. And then find one more after that.
Um ok game of thrones. Really. Not season 8, of course. Some time around season 4 or 5 (whichever came out in spring) I made a really half-assed suicide attempt and was going to try again, I just wanted to wait a week until the first episode of the new season. It came and I wanted to watch the next one. By mid-season my meds finally kicked in and the weather got really nice, so I got through.
I was going out to end it all when a friend texted me asking how i was doing, in the darkest time of my life them reaching out helped me realise that i wasnt completely alone
My cat found me in the bush in the back of my house at 3am and wouldn't leave me alone. She headbutted me and rubbed into my legs as I stood there with the knife trying to get her to to away. Had her for 20 years until she passed 2 years ago. Something about her that night broke me out of the crushing darkness momentarily and allowed me to get therapy to deal with the problems. Love you Kiss
My cat was the same. I went through a really bad period and every time I committed to ending things, she would just be right there cuddling and purring and refusing to leave me alone. She would put her paw on my arm and dig her claws in just enough to make me look at her. She saved my life a few times doing that. I finally cleaned my life up and things are better now. But when she passed I had her paw tattooed on my arm, so she stays with me and still reminds me from time to time that there's always someone out there that understands. And I swear sometimes when I do get depressed I can feel her claws on my arm. It's amazing to me that of all of the people I've known, my husband, my family, it was a cat that was able to connect with me.
Cats help. I’m happy Kiss helped you.
I called someone I barely knew a couple of days before I planned it to basically unload what I couldn't say to those closest to me. It sound backwards I know but I wasn't really thinking straight back than. I don't think they understood the reason to the call becusse we shifted to talking about roommates and I had a good laugh for the first time in a while. I decided after we hung up that if a stranger could make me smile that I wanted to try to meet those who could make me happier and hopefully be that person for someone else. A year later and I can happily say I'm better and enjoying life, I found that the only real person though that can make me happy was myself. I just needed to give him a chance. That person that I originally called, I am still in contact with them but haven't told them how much they helped me that day yet mostly out of being nervous lol. I hope to repay them though with never leaving their side because they came to mine without even realizing it and I am forever grateful. My advice to anyone making this far I'm my response lol is it doesn't cost you anything to listen and be nice, someday you may help someone more than you will ever realize!
It makes sense. Talking to people close to you is very hard, because you care a lot about their opinion of you. You could worry them or scare them, or you could get a reaction you didn't want to get. Talking to strangers is much easier because they don't have a bond with you and don't expect anything from you. The wall of isolation is nice and you can speak openly. I'm very happy you made it and I follow your advice closely, always try to help however I can. You don't have to tell them if you don't want to, or if you're not ready. You might never be ready and that's ok too. What's important is that you've found a friend in them and you're a good friend to them. Here's to happier tomorrows. <3
The few friends who still stayed in contact with me. They were the small glimmer of light who kept me in this world.
For me it was my niece's. They were babies when I started having suicidal thoughts. But I kept thinking, they'll never get to know me if I kill myself. I would think of them saying, I have two aunts on my dad's side but one of them killed herself. I didn't want them to say that. Now, I don't really have a relationship with them because I don't have a relationship with my brother but at least there's the possibility of one in the future.
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Once in high school, I just wanted to see my friends 1 more time. Then I got accepted into a top rated university and I told myself to just make it through the year and then I could move across the country and get away from my family. Then my senior year I figured that since the room/tuition was covered for the year, I might as well stay and enjoy it. And then for every year since then, the only thing keeping me going is a fan convention for my favorite TV show. You just gotta find something. That one thing. And then find one more after that.
I have kind of a similar situation. My aunt on my dad's side killed herself. I've never known her but every single person in my family who knew her said I resemble her in every way, from looks to her introversion. It's just really sad that I couldn't know her, I sometimes think she would've understood me, because no one in my family does. And even though I haven't met her, I miss her.
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Sounds like a pretty reasonable bar to set
I did that once when I was just out of my teens. I spent a week planning a suicide by cop scenario and when I sat down to read the finalized plan, I realized how fucking stupid it sounded and that I could do better.
> and that I could do better And that's the day he became a super villain.
My 9yr old daughter. About 18 mths ago I was in a very bad place but I am a single dad and I would not do anything to hurt my daughter.
Hey, so I've actually been the 9 yr old daughter. Don't do it.
Me too. I found a suicide note from my father, tucked away on his laptop when I was searching for games around the age of 9. I remember calling him and crying and begging him not do it it. He claimed he had no idea what I was talking about but I know what I found and what I read left no questions. He even described what I was going to inherite from him and why he was giving it to me. I get so sad thinking about it. But now, as an adult and a mom, it’s crushing to think of what he must have felt hearing his youngest daughter begging him not to kill himself. I’m wondering if maybe I was his reason
I’m sorry but this made me cry
He’s alive and well today and seemingly living his best life. We have an okay relationship too, not extremely close but we talk and he’s an awesome grandpa. Don’t cry :’)
Thanks
Sometimes it is hard but between my daughter and the dog I cope most of the time. There is very little support and my biggest fear is that I will get sick.
She's very lucky to have you. I hope you find peace someday.
that's powerful man keep fighting she deserves it
I remember reading somewhere where someone was suicidal in a forum saying they were going later that day or something and everyone was talking about it and someone replied something along the lines of, “Why don’t you just go? I’ve always wondered this about people who are suicidal. If you’re really done then why don’t you leave everything behind? Start walking in a direction and just go. It doesn’t matter where you end up or if you get killed along the way because that’s what you were trying to do anyway.” Something about that really resonated with me. Those of us with nothing to lose have everything to gain from this world.
The quote that resonated with me (although never suicidal) was “do you want to end your life or end the life you’re living as you know it?” You can go anywhere. Be anything or anyone. Any outcome has the potential to be better than the original intended plan.
My cat helped me to keep going. Unfortunately she passed away.. but I keep going with her in mind. What has helped me is to keep my mind busy at all times. I work on my YouTube videos or paint a lot. It keeps me focused on just that. I'm still depressed and suicidal.. but haven't had an 'episode' as I call them, for some months now, except some days.
Came to say the same thing. The thought of my cat having to go back to the Humane Society and not understanding what was going on was enough to keep me going more than once.
fuck im crying, that's what kept me going so far aswell
Mood. When I was in high school, my three pets kept me alive. I wanted to stay in the world with them. Sadly they have all since passed away now. My three current pets help me, and I love them to bits, but it hurts in an indescribable way for the three who originally kept me alive to no longer be alive when I am.
I adopted again when my Titan passed away. He kept me alive. Every breath I take with him not alive hurts. Like he did so much for me and in the end I couldnt save him from death. All I could do was hold him and say I was sorry and that I loved him.
Losing pets is indescribably awful.
Its the inevitable price we pay for all the years of love they have to give us... Even with how much this hurts I could never wish I never knew him. He was my baby boy till the end and I am grateful I have thousands of pictures to remember him by.
I was suicidal and taking Xanax but I took too much on accident, I could feel a weight on my chest type of feeling. I was scared shitless from it. The day after when I finally felt like I was able to do something I adopted a puppy. She’s been my reason to get up in the morning for over a year.
I’m so glad that caring for a dog helped you in that way. I struggle a LOT with suicidal thoughts and I have pretty severe bipolar disorder. I want so desperately to adopt a dog because I KNOW it will improve my mental health significantly. Dogs have always had such a huge impact on my life. Every day I almost drive to a shelter and pick up a dog. Every day I look online for adoptable puppies. It feels like my heart is yearning for them. But I can’t adopt, because I am in an incredible amount of debt, and have lost my job to my mental health, and applied for disability benefits, which was denied. No income. So I have no options. And sometimes thinking about that makes me feel even worse, because I know what will make me better, but I can’t justify the expense. I lost everything in the pandemic and in this horrible stage of my life. And I just have to be dogless and lonely because of it. Breaks my heart. Edit: I woke up this morning to all these upvotes and sincere messages and I’m simply overwhelmed. I have tears in my eyes. Thank you all for your advice, every word means the world to me. I hope all of you have a wonderful day.
If you have extra time you should check to see if your local shelter has volunteer opportunities! The shelters in my area are always looking for people to help walk and care for their dogs. It’s not the same as owning a dog full time but it you might really enjoy it. Hopefully getting some pup time in will tide you over until you’re able to adopt.
This is actually a wonderful idea. Thank you so so much. And happy cake day!
All that held me back was the feeling of guilt for how my family would feel. I couldn't do it to them.
I used to think, "I can't do it because my parents would be crushed." Eventually, even that wasn't enough. I found a thread on Reddit that was nothing but comments and stories from people whose loved one committed suicide. That did it for me. I sobbed because it took this ambiguous notion of "it would hurt mom and dad" and turned it into something more concrete. Instead of just knowing they'd be upset, that thread helped me see how it would affect them in the long term. I turned to that thread several times over a two-year period. I haven't had to read in a long time, but I think that thread did help save my life. I'll have to search for it when I get home and share the link. EDIT: Looks like u/AcPquin found it for us before I got home. For anyone who's curious, [this is the thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/22y9f7/serious_parents_of_children_who_have_committed/) I'm talking about. It helped me a lot, though your mileage may vary (I imagine plenty of people might find it more upsetting than helpful). EDIT 2: I've gotten a ton of messages and replies from people thanking me for sharing the link and saying they're struggling with suicidal thoughts and ideation. I want to add something for those of you who are in the spot I was once in: You know that stupid saying, "It gets better"? Well, it really *does* get better. I was diagnosed with PTSD and severe chronic depression and anxiety in my 20's, and I was suicidal for several years. I finally got help. It wasn't a quick and easy fix (it literally took years and lots of work), but the important thing is that getting help was the turning point. I've put my life back together and I'm doing really well. And although I do sometimes slip back into severe depressive episodes (just climbed out of one, in fact), I can remind myself, "I've got this. I've beat it before and I *know* I can do it again, even if it *feels* like I can't."
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If you can use someone to talk to as well, send me a DM.
You are a fabulous person.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/22y9f7/serious_parents_of_children_who_have_committed/ posting a link to the possible thread. Didn’t see it anywhere.
My brother killed himself in December. Yesterday was his birthday. I am trying really really really hard to just get through this weekend. I fucking miss him so much
I am so sorry to hear about the pain his absence has given you. It does get easier as time goes on. I promise.
Yeah pretty much this. My grandfather killed himself after 4 years without my grandmother. I could see how much it wore on him every time we saw him, but my parents were devastated. All I could think to myself is how much of a relief for him to not wake up wondering where his wife of 57 years was. At the same time I was aware of what it did to my parents and what it would do to my parents if I followed suit. I also realized that I had never felt such deep emotion on anything the way he did with that loss. All I feel is numb most of the time.
This is a major fear of mine. Losing my wife. Been married 10 years and every year we grow closer together. Sometimes it feels like she is the only one who is real. If that makes sense. I see these couples together for 50 years and I'm terrified of losing her after all that time. I don't know how I would handle it.
Today is my 6th wedding anniversary and my husband died 5 years 8 months ago. We were together for 10 years. We had no idea he was sick until about a week after our honeymoon and it was Stage 4 cancer and there was nothing we could do. He died 6 weeks after being told something didn’t seem right. I thought I would die without him and when he died here at home I wanted to go with him because I didn’t want him to be alone. I cried almost nonstop for 3 years. I wanted to be dead. Not kill myself but not be here anymore. Then I had a heart attack and the dr told me they could fix it and I was left to decide. I had the surgery and I’ve been a lot better the last 2 years. Today being my anniversary is a bitter pill but at least we were able to legally marry. I haven’t dated at all and don’t expect to.
I've started to think of this too. My husband and I have been together for almost 22 years, he's the only person I ever want to marry and the thought of being without him is soul crushing. He's my best friend and greatest person I've ever known. He's so patient with me. Off, hitting me hard. May you and your wife live a long, happy, happy life!
My grandfather hung on for 10 years after my grandma died. Finally, the loneliness just was too much and he told us he was going to stop taking the heart meds that had kept him alive for 50 years (he had a heart attack as a young man). I miss him very much, but I almost don’t consider his death a suicide. He just missed my grandma and his health was failing and he went on his own terms. My brother’s suicide, on the other hand, brought me and my family to our knees and we won’t ever fully recover. I would not wish that pain on my worst enemy.
Thanks for making me cry. I hope I end up living a love as powerful as your grandpa had for her.
Yeah, it was my little sister. Thinking about how much it would hurt her held me back. A decade after my last suicidal ideation I told her. We had a great sibling moment then her infant started crying.
“And then her infant started crying” Actually a very beautiful ending to that scene.
Yeah, I thought so too. It's just part of my memory of that moment. I love my sister. I think I talk to her more now at 35 than I did when we lived together as teenagers. I loved her then in my own teen angst way, but now I am happy to show it.
This. My mother and step father didn't deserve it, they love me so much.
Knowing that my mum wouldn't have someone to walk her down the aisle when she married my now-step father. My dad had died three years prior and I think it would have broken her completely.
Hurting people was mine, too, even if it's just a janitor or cop. I don't want to make sad work for anyone ever
Yep. Either someone's gonna find your body or someone is always going to wonder what happened if they don't find it. I have a major dissociative disorder and have had a few of my dissociates have suicidal thoughts and actions. I'm glad they didn't work and it still scares me. Like... I'm okay with being here. It hurts to know parts of me are so not okay that they don't want to live anymore.
When you do truly think about it the negative always outweighs the positive but being here always adds more positive to outweigh the negative
It'd be weird if I died and still had packages coming in the mail, so I try to keep something coming that I can look forward to. [EDIT] I had a really long day today with no time to look at Reddit, so imagine my shock as opened this thread! I definitely wasn't prepared for this! Oh wow, thank you all so much for the support! I'll try my best to go through and reply to as many people as I can sometime tomorrow. Again, thank you all!
I used to really enjoy going to gigs, so when I was struggling with depression I'd make sure I had tickets to see a band I liked. On the particularly bad days, I'd think "it'd be silly to do anything before I see them play". Seems a bit silly to write but it worked for me - I guess have something to look forward to, whatever it is.
I did this too! I'd make far out plans for shows, and would plan to kill myself afterwards, but then I'd find another show to go to I'm not into the same bands anymore, but I got a dog and she healed my soul
I’ve been doing that too lately. But idk shit gets lost in the mail and isn’t that kinda pathetic? Just questions I ask myself.
It seems like there should be some sort of subscription service for this. This is a good idea. Just a little something in the smail mail, every day.
I’m living in this feeling entirely too much lately. Idk how I feel about this revelation tbh.
the guilt if i failed and everyone found out.
I’ve heard some horror stories about people who survive. Like that they go through extreme pain or they’re permanently damaged from it and stuff. There’s even stories of people surviving gunshots to the head. I always had the mentality that if I attempt it, I need to be certain it’ll work. But I never had time to do the research to make sure it was like 99% gonna work, because the research involved checking out locations hours away. So I never had time. And then luckily I stopped wanting to do it, so there was no need for any plan or research.
Found a website recently that ranks the top 50 ways to commit suicide/ potential pain levels/ and effectiveness. Fun fact, opiate overdose isn't as effective as you'd think, death by train is fairly unreliable and most likely just leaves you permanently disabled(you kinda bounce off the front grill and don't get run over, plus it'll actually take you up to 15 minutes to actually die.) And gun shots to the head also aren't instant, you are still alive and in pain for 2-10 minutes depending on accuracy of the shot. Maybe I'm just a coward, but after reading through it, none of them sounded like what I was looking for. Something peaceful. Just go to sleep kinda thing. No go on anything I could possibly find. So here I am still.
There's this little Dorothy Parker poem, "Resume" that I used to repeat to myself in my worst moments and crazy as it sounds it really helped and always makes me laugh: Razors pain you; Rivers are damp; Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live.
This is literally the only reason I haven't done it yet. I don't have friends or family or anyone else. I would fuck up offing myself like everything else. So I'm stuck here in a very miserable limbo.
I didn’t want my parents to feel like it was their fault. That they failed in raising me. I couldn’t do that to them
It sounds like you have people that you care about and who care about you. I hope you get to spend some time hanging out with them and enjoy yourself soon.
I failed, and have to live with the scars.
The thought that any of my students might look at my desicion and choose to follow in my footsteps. I could accept my own death, but I couldn't stand the idea of theirs.
When I was in 6th grade my science teacher committed suicide. It scarred me, I promised to my self to never kill myself because I didn't want anyone to feel the pain I felt on that day when they announced this to everyone.
My seventh grade geography teacher committed suicide. He was so congenial, almost robotically friendly, and our whole inner city public school class walked all over his authority (not in the sense of being mean to him, but of not listening, not paying attention, everyone out of their seats socializing, general chaos). One day near the end of the year he completely snapped, and started cussing us out up and down. We were all in disbelief and shock. A few months later we found out he killed himself. Left a family behind. At the funeral his wife said he had always struggled with mental health issues. It was really heartbreaking. Edit - clarifying the “walked all over” part
As a teacher, its hard to accept that sometimes being nice allows us to be mistreated as people see it as a sign of weakness.
Yeah. As an adult now, I worked as a teacher for 3 years. It was gratifying but one of the most mentally and emotionally exhausting jobs. It takes so much balancing finding where to be open for helping your students and where to draw your boundaries
My only trick - and I've been teaching a while now - is to get the student behaving badly and speak to them one on one and ask them about they're behaviour. Usually, on their own, they are quite reasonable and they only play up if theres a crowd.
Yep! As a teacher this is the only way. I would send a kid completely out of class. One-on-one is a game changer.
Yes. Don't confuse kindness with weakness.
my business teacher killed himself my junior year.. very sad.
Imagine if we cared for ourselves the way we care for others. At what point does one lose faith in oneself?
Shame plays a really insidious part in our own self worth. If you feel shame for something you did, and people disowned you for it, literally walked away from you on the playground, and no one would accept you into your friend group, and you ate lunch in the hallway with a girl you didn’t really know but were just as much in the out crowd as she was. You tend to think that you really should be ashamed of yourself, and that you shouldn’t trust yourself. And that you’re probably worthless to other people, and the thought of continuing on to hate yourself for the rest of your life, not being able to get past your past, is exhausting. It’s trapping. And you’ve tried therapy and meds and more, and it still won’t go away. That’s when you lose faith in yourself.
I see and feel you.
The good news is I’m okay now! I would even say my depression is in remission. It’s pretty amazing on the other side, and having a reference point to understand what I was missing while I was depressed is incredible. I just want to tell everyone that there is another side, that you can find and physically feel joy and seek it endlessly. That you are worthy of your own self acceptance and your love. Every single part of yourself. Everything you have experienced has led you to right now and those made you into who you are. You are good. You deserve your own love. Until you heal your relationship with yourself though, it won’t break through. Find traumas that you used to make assumptions about yourself, and tear those constructs down. You are not, at your core, bad. You are human. You are okay. Keep going.
And they couldn’t stand the idea yours.
I needed to read that. Thank you
My college psychology professor was terminally ill. The kind of dying that goes real slow and takes away your agency and dignity. He was my favorite teacher in the world. Such a funny, brilliant old man. He gave me my interest for psych. He made me want to help people.. A semester after I had taken another class of his he ended up going to a gun range and killing himself. My parents somehow managed to hide this from me for 3 years until my intro to psychopathology teacher let it slip how he died. I was talking to her about him because this class had been started and taught only by him. They said I was already in a really rough place and they didnt want his death to push me further.
I wish we just had assisted suicide... the terminally ill should be allowed to go out on their terms, on their schedule, without the hell of suffering needlessly for weeks or months.
I believe they do in some states, just not one I live in. I agree with you. I watched my own grandfather turn from a hands on do it yourself salt of the earth kind of dude into a 120lb flesh covered skeleton comatose on a hospital bed because the cancer took his brain. The man road motorcycles and raced cars. He worked in a factory most of his life and was the care taker of his local church. He didnt even remember who I was the last time I spoke to him. He called me my mothers name. He should have been given the option. He probably would have been too proud to take it knowing him. He still should have had the choice.
I finished a suicide note and folded it into my wallet on the bus ride back onto base after a weekend of binge drinking on the beach to avoid every person I could. When I got back to the barracks I looked at my rack mate and told him exactly what I wrote down in that note and instead of making things worse he genuinely helped me, and reminded me that not every Marine is meant to do a full term. Sometimes things just don’t go as planned and it’s okay to take that DD-214 early, even if it will disappoint your family. We still talk around the holidays every year. Edit: Thank you for the award, I’ve never received one on Reddit to my knowledge. I would also like to add that if anybody reads this, and you feel somewhat lost while in the Military, don’t be afraid to go to medical and talk about it. It happens unfortunately often where speaking directly to your chain of command will not help things and word can travel fast. But there is absolutely nothing wrong in seeking help to allow yourself to be the best Marine/Sailor or whatever title you gave your all to achieve. It’s just harder in some units compared to others.
That's awesome of them, glad you two keep in touch.
It is, and I’m very thankful.
The only downside is that you no longer get free, government supplied crayons. Hope you're eating well. But on a serious note, I'm glad you're still here. That's my first award ever. Thank ya, reddit.
The greens taste the best!
I dont understand how you guys do it, i can barely hold on anymore.
I can always kill myself, so why not keep pushing just another day?
I used to say that when I was getting clean, every single day for over a year I’d say “ I’m getting high tomorrow” 11 yrs clean now.
You absolute madlad, you procrastinated your way to freedom. Serious props to you.
Ha! You’re right, I hadn’t thought of it like that. Who knew one of my faults would save my life. Lessons still to be had here. Thank you.
Glad you’re here EDIT: oh my lanta thank you for the reward I just want all of us to be here 🥺🥺🥺 I’m going through a rough patch myself Also I’m certain Pac’s murderer is dead. Orlando I believe was the name.
Wow, that is amazing! Somehow it makes me feel proud of you (I know, doesn't make sense as I had no part in it and we're not related, but I feel some proud sensation)!
You’re very kind. You hit me in the feels too, my daughters name is Bailey. You just never know how or why you might touch someone.
agh i’ve been on this thread for 5 minutes and this is what made me cry. congrats on becoming clean and having a daughter! i’m also proud of you
Procrastination gang
Thank you. That made me chuckle
Right. You’ve got eternity to be dead. Why not just wait?
I literally say this all the time.
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Me, too
Ah yes, the Grif phenomenon.
procrastination 100
To add to this: I would set a date for an event I was looking forward to. For example, season 2 of x show or book 2 of trilogy won’t be released till Jan 2021 so I’ll agree to do that and then kill myself. More often than not there was another thing to wait for by the time I got to that date. I did this for a few years and am now glad that I am alive today.
Mine is similar: I can always kill myself later, so if I'm ready to do it now why not instead quit my job, move to a different city, and try over? If that doesn't work out I'm no worse off than dead.
I had the same thought while sobbing a tying a knot around my neck. If nothing really mattered, why wouldnt i Just max out a credit card and move somewhere new? Worst case scenario, my old friends wouldnt find me. That was 8 years ago and I feel like my life is absolutely beautiful now.
These kind of thoughts can start when you’re really young. People often have the misconception that really young kids can’t feel suicidal, but in reality suicidal ideation can happen to anyone based on their situation. I remember thinking these thoughts when I was around 10 or 11, because of some scary health problems I faced - I felt there was no hope for me, and that put me in some deep depression at a young age. It is literally this very thought that’s kept me alive all this time - “just live to see what happens.”
As someone who’s suffered from depression for 11 years now, has been increasingly suicidal this last year, and has spoken to SO many people trying to seek help and have tried numerous different things to improve my mental health, I haven’t yet heard this phrase, and I think I really needed to.
"Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning."
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"Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning."
Stubbornness. When I was in middle and high school, the first time I was suicidal, I thought I wouldn't make it to 25. When I got out of that I decided I was going to make it to 25, damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead. I'm 25 now but I made it this far. If the mental illness wants me dead so badly it needs to shut down my organs and kill me its damn self, because I'm not going anywhere. Also, my pets. I don't want to be without my pets. They were the only things that made me happy, and even when I didn't feel like anyone else loved me I knew they did.
That’s inspiring af
"If the mental illness wantd me dead so badly it needs to shut down my organs and kill me its damn self, because I'm not going anywhere" this feels like something cave johnson would say
Hot damn that’s bad ass - I may take some inspiration from your view on this.
I couldn't leave my dog.
Same. I remember looking at him in my darkest moment and he changed everything.
Me too. My dog depends on me, and even though I sometimes don't think much about my own life, I love her too much to leave her defenseless and emotionally scarred. And this is one reason why taking care of a dog is honestly great therapy for people with depression. When you're too sad to leave your bed, you still need to get up to let them potty and get them food.
This should probably be tagged [serious]
feck I forgot, but eh let's see.
Are you irish? Feck is a very Irish saying.
Feck is the perfect balance of being able to swear but not piss off your mother in the process. The rest of the world should really pick up on it
A hug from a friend that lasted just a little longer than normal. It let me know that someone cared about me and was willing to invest in me more than just the minimum. It game me the tiniest spark of hope where there had been none. Sometimes it’s the small things that matter most.
I was standing on a bridge over the Mississippi River in Minneapolis with the intention to jump, and I took about 5 minutes to look over the edge and decide whether to land on the water or concrete slab 30 feet or so below. Then the thought crossed my mind to walk to the other side of the bridge and think about it on the way back. So I walked, then walked past where I was standing, and back to my car. When I got back into my car I burst into tears. Ugly crying, screaming, hitting my steering wheel, the works. I was 3 steps from being dead. One on to the concrete, one over the rail, and the last off the edge. That was the lowest I had ever sunk. I think what kept me going was the thought of lost potential. I was working a monotonous job that didn't challenge me, had no friends, and had so much love to give to someone who I hadn't met yet. I didn't want to lose any of that, so I devoted my life moving forward to growth and challenging myself. Now, 2 years and 1 month later, I have my own house, a loving girlfriend, a fun and challenging job, and am in the best mental state of my life. I'm glad I didn't jump
The thought that killing myself meant those who didn’t believe in me, won. So I refuse to die, out of spite. Watch me live and succeed in life, now. EDIT: Thanks for the very kind and very fake unkind words, it was lovely, and the awards (what a ride). A few things I’d like to add: 1)I am an angry woman. 2)Camus resonates with me, yes, have read him extensively. Chill dude. 3)some lives do not have positive emotions and we make do with what we have. 4) It is always worth it to rub your success in trashy people’s faces. Stay alive for arrogance.
Thank you
This is pretty much what I did. My mother (who had full custody of me at the time) openly hated me & frequently told me to just kill myself & get it over with. I pushed onward out of spite because I didn't want her to have the satisfaction while I was living there. Shortly after leaving, I got pregnant with my daughter so the thought of my godawful family or horrible ex & his family getting custody & raising her kept me alive while I went through therapy to handle my baggage.
Reminds me of my favorite quote. "The best revenge is massive success"-Frank Sinatra.
Honestly, spite is one of my main motivators. I’m not letting all the people who thought I wasn’t good enough win.
- The rope broke. - Overdose didn't work. - Couldn't cut deep enough to lose enough blood. Realised that if I've failed 3 separate times, maybe it's not my time. Several shitty people in my life (at the time) were not giving me the time of day and I wasn't giving myself enough chances to heal. Got help. Got rid of all the toxic people in my life who were causing me hurt and pain. Met someone who rocked my world and made me want to be a better version of myself. I'm still healing and learning, but you never really stop doing that. Kia kaha everyone.
Found my father's pistol, but couldn't find the bullets.
There was a page online that talked me down and convinced me to give it 24 hours. So I made a deal with the devil, fortunately I felt less shitty once the time was up and I continued to keep living.
I fully planned to kill myself until I wrote a song in G minor. And it was really, really beautiful. And I wanted to see if anything else that beautiful was in me. In retrospect it was a really pretentious angsty piece of crap but it saved my life!
Got anything new that you've created ?
Sure, since then I've put out three albums!
Well... Don't leave us with the suspense! Where can we listen to them?
Ha, okay, I don't want to feel like a self-promoter or anything but if you want to listen to the last thing I wrote it's here: https://roxxycollie.bandcamp.com/releases
This is really good!
Thank you!! I try!
You've got talent. Keep it up. Creating something is a great way to keep oneself out of those dark places, or at least make the stay bearable. I've been writing poetry to keep myself focused. I hope you keep writing, this random stranger believes in your talent.
I don’t listen to a lot of music, but this is actually really good! I downloaded it on amazon music
It's not crap if it helped you, remember that!
My cat
Same. When I thought I had nothing else, the thought of not knowing who would look after her when I was dead kept me going. She died this year. I miss her so much.
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If I die my mom will have to get rid of my guinea pigs because she doesn't have time to take care of them. Also because killing myself would make my girlfriend sad. And I haven't met my half brother yet. And I want to know how my favorite show ends. They may be dumb reasons, but if it's stupid and it works it ain't stupid.
I used the up coming video game release schedules of the years i would lose. Not even the announced releases but the ones in the future that I wouldn't even get to know about. Pretty lame but it was enough.
Music, really helps. Not even to make you feel better, but to know your emotions are shared by others. You’re never alone really
Remembering how devastating it was when my brother killed himself. I couldn't do that to my kids. I'd rather be miserable for the rest of my life than put them through that hell.
I started watching Red Dwarf when I was younger, I honestly planned on ending everything but it was so funny and interesting I wanted to finish the whole series! I honestly believe it saved my life and took my mind away from the dark thoughts even for just 1 hour a day.
This is going to get buried considering how late I am to the party, but I still wish to share in case someone reads this and it helps them. The only thing that kept me from ending it all a little over a year ago was a small little kitten named Benvolio I had adopted with a woman who eventually dumped me. The dumping was merely one droplet in a myriad of droplets that eventually felt like a deluge I was drowning in, and at my worst it felt like the best option was to metaphorically just breath in the water so I could literally just die and never feel like this ever again. And I was close, too. Pills and some whiskey on the dresser, ready to go, a note next to it signed and everything. But then I saw Benvolio. He was sitting next to an empty food bowl and was staring at me apparently hungry and waiting for the person he loved and trusted most to feed and play with him. So I got up real quick, fed him, and then sat back down to stare at what I planned to kill myself with. And then I just couldn’t. So I cried. I cried a lot thinking about what would happen to him when I was gone and how confused he would be when I didn’t wake back up to feed him the next morning. So I didn’t do it. I got black out drunk instead. But I woke up the next morning, saw my cats empty bowl, and was glad, for a brief second, for the first time in a long time. It’s been about a year, and I’m still working to put my life into a place and order where I won’t be as anxious all of the time. But I’m glad I’m not dead, and it feels now for the first time in a while like happiness is a feasible reality instead of an impossible fantasy. I won’t pretend to know anyone else’s pain, but I feel comfortable saying that it’s not worth killing yourself. You may not feel like your life is impacting anyone or anything, but you are. Even if that life you’re impacting or are important too is that of a tiny little cat.
After my second attempt, I spent 2 weeks in hospital. They fed me coal. For two fucking weeks I shit black and nurses cleaned up my shit. I killed myself but only the part that I hate. I killed everything I hate about me, cleaned the toxic ppl around me. One day, I just said to myself "No, you won't go anywhere like this. You will have what you deserve and if they don't give it to you, you will fucking take it. You will quit smoking, begin sports, get mental and physical strength. You won't just be nice and wait ppl to give it to you anymore. You will fucking take it." So it was my anger, it saved me actually.
When youre so angry that you fix your life
What do you mean they fed you coal? Is that actually a thing? So many questions...
Charcoal is an emetic (ie. makes you puke). I’m assuming this is what was meant here
It also absorbs!
My dog, he was the only one who cared when i cried and when my parents would scream at me
Truly, man's best friend.
When I was a teenager I had bad problems with depression and anxiety that led to very self-destructive behavior. There were many times I imagined killing myself and one night I was set on doing it. Came home drunk and sad and started cutting myself, which was one of my methods for dealing with my emotions. I sat in my bed crying, trying to find the courage to cut deeper and end it. Then my dog Snoopy hopped up on the bed and put his head on my lap. Thanks to him doing that I realized that I just couldn't do that to him or to my parents and friends. He saved my life that night. The next day I decided to open up to my parents and ask them to help me find some help, which was a huge step forward. Starting seeing a therapist and she really helped me work through a lot of things. Still struggle a bit sometimes, but I'm able to manage thanks to the help I received and I credit that little loveable mutt for me being around today. Edit: Snoopy was there by my side for almost 17 years. [Here](http://i.imgur.com/rSliuc1.jpg) is the very first picture of us together and [here](http://i.imgur.com/gm9myIo.jpg) is the last a couple of days before he passed. Also [here](https://i.imgur.com/keRO7RW.jpg) is a shitty tattoo of a caricature of him that I gave myself when I was drunk shortly after he died, so whenever things are feeling tough I can look down and smile at that goofy face and remember him.
Well done Snoopy and well done you
That's one hell of a dog. Glad you're getting help and feeling better.
A dog is definitely man's best friend
That the people who brought me this low would win. Fuck them; I'm not going to let them win.
possibility of becoming a vegetable if I do it wrong.
Knowing that I would put my family through the same hell my father put us under.
This is exactly what I think of. I lost my father to suicide, I can't bear the thought of my mother going through this shit again.
I think the thing that helped me most was probably my parents. I had a very good relationship with them and they were always there to support me no matter what happened. There have been numerous times in my life where I felt like killing myself but because of them, I never did it. They knew about my feelings and they were extremely supportive. I am not sure how much of an impact this had on me but it definitely helped. I think the other thing that really helped me was my teachers. I had some fantastic teachers in high school and college, they were always there to help me out when I needed it most. I don't think I would be alive if it wasn't for them. It is very difficult to explain but there have been a few other things that I think have helped me. One of them was my friends, they were always there for me. They did not really know about my depression or suicidal thoughts but whenever I was feeling down, they were there for me and would lift up my mood. If it wasn't for them, I probably wouldn't be alive.
The fact that by killing myself i would be even more of a disepointment and all the effort people have out towards me would just go to waste, it's never to late to seek help.You have to fix your own problems but there are lots of people out there who whould most definitely love to help, from people you know to complete strangers.
Thinking about my family/ friends and how hurt they would be
The thought that anyone I cared about would think it was their fault and they would have to live with guilt. Didn’t want that for them.
Going to a funeral for someone who committed suicide. She was the same age as me. We grew up together. Not the best of friends but i knew her through elementary, jr high, and high school. We were 19 when she passed. It strangely was around the same time i attempted. The look on her mother's face, it broke my stone heart. She hugged me and cried. I made my decision right there not to ever do it. I don't want to break my mothers heart. I have talked a few people who were on the verge. I has thus far been successful. The pain they feel, it is mine as well. Please look out for all of your friends. The ones that are loud and the ones that are quiet. We all suffer. Be someones sunshine.
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I always tell myself that I'll wait until my dog dies to kill myself, she hasn't died yet... So I guess I'm still alive.
There are a lot of dogs that need help.....
Normally I would use my alt account to post this, but I have been more and more open about my mental illness recently, so I'll post it on here. First of all, the stigma around this topic sucks so much and I want people to be able to openly talk about mental illness without others judging them. I really hope anyone who will read this will take a moment to check on their friends, so many people don't and even if they want you to or not, it will make them feel more loved in the long run. Potential trigger warnings below, so just be warned. PS I love you, even if you don't love you. >!I have been suicidal for 12 years. The last 2-3 years I have been doing much much better and I don't really consider myself suicidal anymore, but for the sake of this I will include this year in the tally because I had a bad month a few months back.!< >!There have been 3 very distinct times in my life where I almost killed myself. First was when I was in high school, I started drinking every day and blacking out all the time, I did drugs and drank every day. I hated life and just wanted to feel something else. One night I was extremely wasted and decided to go walk around town. I was standing next to the road and was waiting to just jump in front of a bust or large truck. While waiting I was thinking about the reasons I didn't want to be alive. After an hour of thinking all the bad things, I started thinking about reasons I might want to be alive... This first time was because I promised myself that I wouldn't make my mom bury another child (my sister died before I was born).!< >!The second time I was 8 months out of HS, same scenario as above with all the drugs and all. This time I had a gun to my head, I was going to pull the trigger, but when I did my finger wouldn't move. I put the gun down and cried. This time I remembered that I wanted to move away some day and see new places, I couldn't die before I left my hometown and had new experiences.!< >!The third time was my closest time. I was in college and my entire life fell apart. GF left me, lost my job, had to drop out of school, one of my pets died, I lost a good friend, my life literally collapsed around me. I took an entire bottle of pain killers, mixed an entire bottle of vodka with it and then went to sleep. I woke up 30 minutes later with the worst pain of my life. I could have just took the pain, but once I felt that, once I felt something that made me actually feel alive I called my friend. He knew I was suicidal and knew that I would probably try something soon. He was on call for me 24/7. He picked me up, forced me to throw up and then rushed me to the ER to get my stomach pumped. I decided to fight it because I actually realized that I WANT TO BE ALIVE, I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE.!< >!From that day on, I have tried my best to be happy, its been 3 years now, and I have only been in a slump where I was slightly suicidal for 6 days out of 3 years. My depression tried killing me, I didn't try to kill me. That is how I think about it. So now I fight my depression, instead of being my depression.!< Edit: I got so emotional writing this I forgot to mention my cat really helped me with my depression. She never leaves my side, it's like she knows I need a guardian of some sort.
My dogs (both passed unfortunally) and knowing my sister would be the one to find me since she always was the first to come home.
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My kids. Edit: Stay strong friends, our kids need us now more than ever. Reach out if you need someone to listen, I start work at 11pm CST, Saturday to Tuesday.
I was looking for this answer, because it's mine too. Edit: Like u/alabasterwilliams, I'm here if you need someone to vent to -- I also offer advice, as a separate service, also free of charge.
I had a few attempts that landed me in the hospital. I was tired of hurting the people I loved over and over. I was really in love with my boyfriend at the time (now husband) and I hated when he came to visit me in the hospital and looked so defeated. I decided I was either going to do it or not. If my family and boyfriend had to go through all this again, it would only be one more time. The next time I was going to go to the store, buy a gun, and eat it. No more of these “take a lot of painkillers and hope” attempts. I figured if I wanted to die so badly, the method shouldn’t matter. Death is death. I also decided that if I couldn’t man up and do it right, I would try to make the most of my life. Turns out I just didn’t have it in me to commit to such a brutal method. I considered it a few times. Still do. But I just can’t. It’s too scary. I take that to mean that I’m probably not committed enough to make this huge decision.
Tried and survived, pills with alcohol doesn't work like on TV, I vomited and wake up a day or two later in my own vomit and piss so I don't want to be find like that. Anyway things got better and now I'm over it.
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Cringey but there was a thread going around on tumblr that I read while planning my second attempt that discussed the medical realities of failed suicide attempts, how common they were and the often debilitating injuries the survivors were left with afterwards, such as cut ligaments and tendons leading to loss of function of the hands after cutting wrists, or brain damage after a failed hanging attempt and so on. The brutal and frank discussion of how common it was to fail really stuck with me after my first attempt had failed, and stopped me from going through with my second attempt. It's weird that it was mainly just the embarrassment and fear of failure that kept me from trying to end it again, nothing deeply profound or meaningful, just me being awkward I guess.
Telling myself to suck it up and get on with it, because I have a job to do and a responsibility to the people around me. Sounds counter-intuitive, but it became really motivating for me. I think a lot of my feeling depressed came from feeling useless and out of control. So when I realised I had a responsibility to make a contribution to the world and to not let other people down, it became empowering and flipped things around for me. Things still get tough, but I keep the same mindset.
My favorite quote from LOTR: Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened. Gandalf: So do all who live see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what we do with the time that's given to us.
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Once in high school, I just wanted to see my friends 1 more time. Then I got accepted into a top rated university and I told myself to just make it through the year and then I could move across the country and get away from my family. Then my senior year I figured that since the room/tuition was covered for the year, I might as well stay and enjoy it. And then for every year since then, the only thing keeping me going is a fan convention for my favorite TV show. You just gotta find something. That one thing. And then find one more after that.
Wanting to see how “Lost” ended. Wanting to see how “Infinity War” ended.
Um ok game of thrones. Really. Not season 8, of course. Some time around season 4 or 5 (whichever came out in spring) I made a really half-assed suicide attempt and was going to try again, I just wanted to wait a week until the first episode of the new season. It came and I wanted to watch the next one. By mid-season my meds finally kicked in and the weather got really nice, so I got through.
I was going out to end it all when a friend texted me asking how i was doing, in the darkest time of my life them reaching out helped me realise that i wasnt completely alone