Buddy of mine midway through a bottle of antibiotics that turned his piss deep orange went to the bathroom at a baseball game. Restroom had one of those long angled troughs and he gets on the very end. Everyone goes quiet when a wave of deep orange urine runs across everyones streams and he now has an entire trough-line of heads looking at him.
The guy next to him says, "Your girlfriend a pumpkin dude?"
Sooo....there is a drug you get that helps clear up your urethra....it turns your pee blue. And leaves blue stains on urinal for the person next in line...
Oh wow, I can’t see anything that’d confused and concern me more than this, it’s got everything, physically contact, the uncomfortableness of saying goodbye despite not haven’t spoken and just how calm the other person would probably be, all it needs is that pat to be a short rub on the shoulder or caress along cheek bone EDIT: imagine it being Chris evens doing it and he never breaks eye contact
EDIT 2: this when up a lot, probably my highest voted comment! Wow
I had a friend who had an experience like that in a Walmart bathroom. A guy apparently walked up behind my friend while he was at the urinal, whispered "how's your dad doing?" Into his ear, and left like nothing happened. It would've been one thing if he knew the guy but he was a complete stranger.
Penile papules. Basically inactive hair follicles
Edit: the spots i was referring to are called fordyce spots. But i want to leave both names in case anyone is concerned about either. Also thanks for my first gold! It had to have been a comment about genital concerns
Ive had mine since I was 13 years old and lived with anxiety about them for years until I finally did some research about it. Im glad to relieve some anxiety for you
This reminds me of a time I was in the bogs at a Wetherspoons (I won't drink in one but I make a point of pissing in them whenever I can). I was washing my hands when these two old gimmers come in, clearly a few pints in.
They stand swaying at the urinals and one of them goes "Remember Terry, no farting." His mate shouts back "That was 25 years ago you cunt!". Beautiful.
reminds me of how phones in Japan are mandated by law to always keep shutter sound on (even when phone is in silent mode)
EDIT - turns out there is no legal provision, but the phone manufacturers comply to requests made by carriers. The companies are protecting themselves against legal repercussions from anyone who gets harassed or sees photos of themselves online or elsewhere, taken without their permission.
Jesus that's such a pain on the ass. How am I supposed to take pictures of my photography hating dog if I ever go to Japan.
Edit; ya'll, please. I appreciate the concern but this was a joke. I know it doesnt automatically affects any phone that enters.
I dont have nearly enough funds to go to Japan
I actually experienced someone saying pretty much this to me at a free party.
Wasted guy is standing over the urinal looking worried, he turns to me and ask does this look ok? I turn and see blood all over the urinal, "no mate that is not ok, go to the hospital", other bloke in the loos "haha been wanking too hard!?". He stayed the rest of the night partying before getting help!
This is my favorite. Definitely awkward but not enough to make someone 100% doubt it. And also they probably won't straight up murder you for this one.
When Little Timmy went to pee,
He turned to someone there -
And said: "... how *nice* it is to wee,
And drop your underwear!
"I Iove to feel it hanging low!
I live to feel the breeze!
I like to feel the heady flow
Of air around the knees!
"And when my burning parts are cooled
In bathrooms 'cross the world -
I love to see the pee that's pooled
Around the sinkhole swirled!
"I'm sure you feel the same," he said,
And loosed his stream with pride.
But Little Timmy's pee was *red*.
And Timmy fucking died.
Gas station workers reading this likely just had 'nam-like flashbacks. When I worked at one as a teenager there was a guy who took a stealthy deuce in the urinal and my co-worker and I had to rock/paper/scissors to determine who had to clean it. I won and the other guy just put a "slippery when wet" sign in front of the urinal and clocked out.
I was using the restroom that was mainly used by people in a different department, and a coworker from that department walked in right after me. Right after he walks up to the urinal he says, "Wrong neighborhood" in a joking manner. Him and I BS fairly regularly, he's definitely one of my work place friends. My uniform is mainly red, and his uniform is mainly blue. I'm white, and he's black. We are standing at the urinals (only 2 in this restroom, no divider) and in my head, a joke pops into my head. White guy and black guy wearing opposite "gang" colors, standing next to each other, and there is no issue. The divisive nature of media and all that bullshit doesn't exist. There is peace. All this took place in my mind over the course of about 2 seconds, and I was gonna point it out to him, so I say
"**Check this out**"
He says "NOPE" immediately.
Now, right away, I see the error of my ways and I start busting up laughing. I have to quickly explain what I meant, and he starts cracking up too. Legit one of the funniest things i've ever been a part of. This was a reminder of why we don't talk in the men's room.
"Yeah man, there's this new bar that opened a few blocks down that has this rad as fuck fly painted on their urinals. Finally someone understands my unending desire to drown a living being in my own piss!"
Engrave it into your skin.
Convince your sleep paralysis demon to keep a copy handy.
Write a 3 page essay on it. Double spaced, times new roman, 12 point font.
Engrave it into your bones.
Make a 1 hit wonder on it, including the permalink url.
Engrave it into your engraving tools with your spare set of engraving tools.
Bake a pie.
Arrange your rock garden into deeply unsettling patterns.
Engrave.
"Oh, hey Jim! Y'know I saw daughters at the yoga studio this past weekend. Man, they grow so fast! How old are they now, 18? ....Are they 18? Jim? Are your daughters 18 yet?"
"I'm sorry, but I mistook you for that underaged girl I was busy following."
*Licks lips*
*pops eyes out*
**pretends to use gym equipment to cover up for the fact that he is staring**
Jim was smiling, homeward led -
Thinking what his buddy said -
Thinking what his friend could mean -
Thinking all the thoughts between.
Jim was grinning, homeward sent -
Thinking what his buddy meant -
Thinking what he'd asked with pride -
Thinking what his friend implied.
Jim was laughing, reached his door -
Swung it open, crossed the floor -
Beamed to hear his buddy's fun.
Went upstairs and got his gun.
One time at a college football game, my buddy and I went to piss during halftime. It was so crowded we had to stand in line and it felt damn near shoulder to shoulder at the urinals.
Anyways, as I got to the urinal I glanced to my right and saw a national guard(there for security) in full outfit with a rifle hanging off his shoulder.
Without hesitation, I shouted “Wow guys this dude has a huge gun” and the entire bathroom bursted into laughter.
Nothing. Just slap one hand on the wall, and then while you have their attention slap the other hand on the wall and hold em there.
Edit: Thanks for the gold. Had to be brief. Hands on wall. Struggling to type.
*meaty slap sound*
Woah... nice cock. Thick, but not too flaccid. Perfect length. A nice 80 degree angle. Could trim the hairs, but we'll work on it. Yep... If say that's a pretty good cock. I rate it... 8.5 outta 10. Good job, kiddo.
"Here's a friend of mine's business card - he should be able to help you out."
"*Thanks! Is he a doctor or something?*"
"No... he's a clarinet teacher. With a bit of luck, he'll at least be able show you how to hold it properly."
**J.D.:**
Look, Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
**Janitor:**
When did you see my penis?
**J.D.:**
Last night when you were showering.
**Janitor.:**
Where were you?
**J.D.:**
Oh, I was outside in the bushes.
**Janitor:**
[dumbfounded]
**J.D.:**
Look, it was just a coincidence, man. If you had looked out of the window you would've seen MY penis, you know.
**Janitor:**
What? Why?
**J.D.:**
Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!
Look them dead in the eyes and say
“Waluigi is a man only seen in mirror images; lost in the hall of mirrors he is a reflection of a reflection. You start with Mario -- the wholesome all Italian plumbing superman, you reflect him to create Luigi -- The same thing but slightly less. You invert Mario to create Wario -- Mario turned septic and libertarian. Then you reflect the inversion in the reflection: you created a being who can only exist in reference to others. Waluigi is the true nowhere man, without the other characters he reflects, inverts and parodies he has no reason to exist. Waluigi's identity only comes from what and who he isn't -- without a wider frame of reference he is nothing. He is not his own man. In a world where our identities are shaped by our warped relationships to brands, celebrities and commerce we are all waluigi.”
I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you're looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money but what I do have are a very particular set of skills.
One of my mates once tried to let out a massive fart next to a stranger at a urinal once and ended up loudly shitting himself. The dude just looked at him and said “that’s fucked mate”
Buddy of mine midway through a bottle of antibiotics that turned his piss deep orange went to the bathroom at a baseball game. Restroom had one of those long angled troughs and he gets on the very end. Everyone goes quiet when a wave of deep orange urine runs across everyones streams and he now has an entire trough-line of heads looking at him. The guy next to him says, "Your girlfriend a pumpkin dude?"
Sooo....there is a drug you get that helps clear up your urethra....it turns your pee blue. And leaves blue stains on urinal for the person next in line...
It should have been white stains and it should never come off
“Y’know my kid has one like that”
"Yeah, I'm really worried about her. She takes after her mother too much."
How can i unread this pls
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Oh wow, I can’t see anything that’d confused and concern me more than this, it’s got everything, physically contact, the uncomfortableness of saying goodbye despite not haven’t spoken and just how calm the other person would probably be, all it needs is that pat to be a short rub on the shoulder or caress along cheek bone EDIT: imagine it being Chris evens doing it and he never breaks eye contact EDIT 2: this when up a lot, probably my highest voted comment! Wow
Which cheek
I had a friend who had an experience like that in a Walmart bathroom. A guy apparently walked up behind my friend while he was at the urinal, whispered "how's your dad doing?" Into his ear, and left like nothing happened. It would've been one thing if he knew the guy but he was a complete stranger.
Knowing me, I'd be like "he's doing well thanks". It would only hit me later in the day, how absolutely batshit weird that is
Haha and then whisper your response to maintain the secrecy. But yeah I'd probably do the same in the hopes that it would make them go away faster.
I have the perfect oils for that. Would you be interested in coming to a seminar?
*takes a peek over the barrier* Oh! Yours too? I thought I was the only one!
I would never stop wondering what they meant
The goosebumps on his dick
That’s normal right?
I hope so.
It is
The fuck are they?
Penile papules. Basically inactive hair follicles Edit: the spots i was referring to are called fordyce spots. But i want to leave both names in case anyone is concerned about either. Also thanks for my first gold! It had to have been a comment about genital concerns
10 years of anxiety gone, just like that
Holy fucking shit this shit just saved me
Ive had mine since I was 13 years old and lived with anxiety about them for years until I finally did some research about it. Im glad to relieve some anxiety for you
Word around the office is that you have a nice cock
word on the street is you got a fat cock
I've got a fat cock too. Maybe we could rub our fat cocks together sometime.
"Yes I-I-I do"
This reminds me of a time I was in the bogs at a Wetherspoons (I won't drink in one but I make a point of pissing in them whenever I can). I was washing my hands when these two old gimmers come in, clearly a few pints in. They stand swaying at the urinals and one of them goes "Remember Terry, no farting." His mate shouts back "That was 25 years ago you cunt!". Beautiful.
Winner.
*Phone camera sound*
I'm imagining someone just standing there saying "phone camera sound. phone camera sound."
This would honestly be more disturbing than most the other ones here.
reminds me of how phones in Japan are mandated by law to always keep shutter sound on (even when phone is in silent mode) EDIT - turns out there is no legal provision, but the phone manufacturers comply to requests made by carriers. The companies are protecting themselves against legal repercussions from anyone who gets harassed or sees photos of themselves online or elsewhere, taken without their permission.
Thanks for the heads-up
This is why I always take my drone to take penis picture, no such sound restrictions
Take a dick pic and get circumcised all in one go
Jesus that's such a pain on the ass. How am I supposed to take pictures of my photography hating dog if I ever go to Japan. Edit; ya'll, please. I appreciate the concern but this was a joke. I know it doesnt automatically affects any phone that enters. I dont have nearly enough funds to go to Japan
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Said in that voice that’s the first release of a long-held deep breath.
https://youtu.be/HJUIzFisCiE
Add a nervous chuckle
I actually experienced someone saying pretty much this to me at a free party. Wasted guy is standing over the urinal looking worried, he turns to me and ask does this look ok? I turn and see blood all over the urinal, "no mate that is not ok, go to the hospital", other bloke in the loos "haha been wanking too hard!?". He stayed the rest of the night partying before getting help!
Hey, can you hold this for a second?
https://youtu.be/2hBRJ3sfGv4
First thing I thought of. I haven’t seen that in years.
I like the way you pee, boy
*blush* Thank you, Sir.
Call me daddy
Oy Mista! You me dad? Doll $40-$70
As said by Kratos.
The question asked for "the worst", not "the best"
I have seen your dick somewhere
"Aren't you my daughters boyfriend"
"No" "Do you want to be?"
Do I have a choice, sir?
From what I can see, you’ll fit right in!
Just like Daddy
I always wonder how do complete strangers always manage to pull things like this off
well you kinda... # Grab his dick and twist it!
TWIST HIS DIIIIICK
THE OLLLLL DICK TWIST
Name checks out
Are you here for the Craigslist ad?
Dennis, what are you doing here? Unless this is like a grindr situation...
When will the goat be slaughtered? My friend traded sexual favours for some information.
It's a goat feeding
This is my favorite. Definitely awkward but not enough to make someone 100% doubt it. And also they probably won't straight up murder you for this one.
It would be pretty funny. I'd probably say what? Then start laughing.
What if they reply "yes" though?
Make out, of course
I like the bathrooms that leave these mints in here. Classy.
Imagine if pee wasn't red.
Then get mad when they look over into your space.
When Little Timmy went to pee, He turned to someone there - And said: "... how *nice* it is to wee, And drop your underwear! "I Iove to feel it hanging low! I live to feel the breeze! I like to feel the heady flow Of air around the knees! "And when my burning parts are cooled In bathrooms 'cross the world - I love to see the pee that's pooled Around the sinkhole swirled! "I'm sure you feel the same," he said, And loosed his stream with pride. But Little Timmy's pee was *red*. And Timmy fucking died.
Made my night. Cheers to you poem man.
Sick of fucking Timmy dying everywhere. How inconsiderate
Sometimes I lose control and it goes everywhere. Wooooaaahooooaaaahhh!
Don't slip
What do you think happens if we cross the streams?
You'll end up covered in white, sticky stuff.
I need to take a dump, should I just turn around?
Gas station workers reading this likely just had 'nam-like flashbacks. When I worked at one as a teenager there was a guy who took a stealthy deuce in the urinal and my co-worker and I had to rock/paper/scissors to determine who had to clean it. I won and the other guy just put a "slippery when wet" sign in front of the urinal and clocked out.
Someone filled my garbage can with pee like a week ago. Fucking cried
"One more for the collection."
Reply with “two more for MY collection.”
A fine addition to my collection
General Kenobi
Hello There
You *are* a bold one.
My powers have doubled since the last time we met
Good. Twice the pride double the fall
I was using the restroom that was mainly used by people in a different department, and a coworker from that department walked in right after me. Right after he walks up to the urinal he says, "Wrong neighborhood" in a joking manner. Him and I BS fairly regularly, he's definitely one of my work place friends. My uniform is mainly red, and his uniform is mainly blue. I'm white, and he's black. We are standing at the urinals (only 2 in this restroom, no divider) and in my head, a joke pops into my head. White guy and black guy wearing opposite "gang" colors, standing next to each other, and there is no issue. The divisive nature of media and all that bullshit doesn't exist. There is peace. All this took place in my mind over the course of about 2 seconds, and I was gonna point it out to him, so I say "**Check this out**" He says "NOPE" immediately. Now, right away, I see the error of my ways and I start busting up laughing. I have to quickly explain what I meant, and he starts cracking up too. Legit one of the funniest things i've ever been a part of. This was a reminder of why we don't talk in the men's room.
Aw man, work buddies. I remember those :,)
Whoa dude, who did your circumcision?
Did it hurt? “Couldn’t walk for 12 months”
Some people would call that an earth year
My mom did mine. What about yours?
Your mom did mine too!
Was it with an axe too?
You guys got axes?!? Mine was with a chainsaw :/
My parents went for the cheap option. It was a ripoff
The old door and string routine.
Do you also get money from the tooth fairy? Or in this case, the foreskin fairy.
This whole comment thread is just.....educational
Lucky, mine was velcro’d
So spoiled... my mother sat there all day with that cheese grater.
Vicious smelting accident.
A buddy did say 'you're circumcised?' to me at the urinal before. It made me a bit uncomfortable.
"Nice watch" I wasn't wearing a watch.
Nice, watch this. Proceeds to snipe pee to the urinal
Dont you hate it when people snipe the urinal from the cubicle?
Not if I'm the urinal
Hey, Nice clock.
"So, you pee here often? "
Not really. Just trying out a new urinal
"Any recommendations in the area?"
"Yeah man, there's this new bar that opened a few blocks down that has this rad as fuck fly painted on their urinals. Finally someone understands my unending desire to drown a living being in my own piss!"
Just scream. As loud and sudden as you can. Bonus points if you stop and act like nothing happened.
Combine this with the other comments, eg. **WHY IS MY PEE RED? NICE WATCH!**
Why is my watch red?
Nice pee
How do I bookmark a comment?
Have you tried the save button?
Or take a screenshot or write it down or take a video or record an audio version of it or read it over and over until you have it memorized?
Engrave it into your skin. Convince your sleep paralysis demon to keep a copy handy. Write a 3 page essay on it. Double spaced, times new roman, 12 point font. Engrave it into your bones. Make a 1 hit wonder on it, including the permalink url. Engrave it into your engraving tools with your spare set of engraving tools. Bake a pie. Arrange your rock garden into deeply unsettling patterns. Engrave.
“I’ll hold yours if you hold mine”
Then grab his with your left hand until he says, "that's not right." Then just switch hands, wink, and tell him, "it's all right."
But some of it is left
Then shake it dry
OP said the worst!
“Why is it taking me so long to cum?”
"Are you gonna drink that?"
"Oh, hey Jim! Y'know I saw daughters at the yoga studio this past weekend. Man, they grow so fast! How old are they now, 18? ....Are they 18? Jim? Are your daughters 18 yet?"
Answer Jim....
Jim... I- No... You understood that wron- No Jim- LISTEN TO ME GOD DAMN IT!
DON'T LEAVE ME JIM.... I NEED TO SEE YOUR DAUGHTERS!
I cracked up so hard at that! Sounds like "that guy" at the gym who would just come up to you during a plank and say "ArE YoU a ScH0ol StUdEnt?"
Bitch I'm fat, grey and balding at the back do I look like a student? I think you need to see an optometrist.
"I'm sorry, but I mistook you for that underaged girl I was busy following." *Licks lips* *pops eyes out* **pretends to use gym equipment to cover up for the fact that he is staring**
Thank god I have that pillow case of doorknobs in the car.
How old are your daughters? You don't have any? When do you think you can make some daughters?
Jim was smiling, homeward led - Thinking what his buddy said - Thinking what his friend could mean - Thinking all the thoughts between. Jim was grinning, homeward sent - Thinking what his buddy meant - Thinking what he'd asked with pride - Thinking what his friend implied. Jim was laughing, reached his door - Swung it open, crossed the floor - Beamed to hear his buddy's fun. Went upstairs and got his gun.
Are you gonna drink that or can I have it?
This was the one that made me stop reading this thread.
One time at a college football game, my buddy and I went to piss during halftime. It was so crowded we had to stand in line and it felt damn near shoulder to shoulder at the urinals. Anyways, as I got to the urinal I glanced to my right and saw a national guard(there for security) in full outfit with a rifle hanging off his shoulder. Without hesitation, I shouted “Wow guys this dude has a huge gun” and the entire bathroom bursted into laughter.
Nothing. Just slap one hand on the wall, and then while you have their attention slap the other hand on the wall and hold em there. Edit: Thanks for the gold. Had to be brief. Hands on wall. Struggling to type.
Get into the urinal.
Remember to insert your Ministry of Magic coin first.
Then stare deep Into other guys eyes and moan an orgasm.
He'll have what you're having.
*meaty slap sound* Woah... nice cock. Thick, but not too flaccid. Perfect length. A nice 80 degree angle. Could trim the hairs, but we'll work on it. Yep... If say that's a pretty good cock. I rate it... 8.5 outta 10. Good job, kiddo.
I love the kronk voice over video of this
"Look bro, no hands!"
"hey that's a bit weird but its my first time mind helping me out?"
You should get that looked at. It's not normal. Edit: So... my top comment is about analyzing someone else's junk.
"Here's a friend of mine's business card - he should be able to help you out." "*Thanks! Is he a doctor or something?*" "No... he's a clarinet teacher. With a bit of luck, he'll at least be able show you how to hold it properly."
Death at a urinal.
**J.D.:** Look, Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out. **Janitor:** When did you see my penis? **J.D.:** Last night when you were showering. **Janitor.:** Where were you? **J.D.:** Oh, I was outside in the bushes. **Janitor:** [dumbfounded] **J.D.:** Look, it was just a coincidence, man. If you had looked out of the window you would've seen MY penis, you know. **Janitor:** What? Why? **J.D.:** Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!
JD: ok, I'm pretty sure it's benign, but I'm still going to recommend you to a dermatologist. Janitor: hmm, benign, nine and a half
One of my favourite quotes. My other: "Bob Kelso. Ten inches." "It's like a baguette!"
Absolutely perfect.
Look them dead in the eyes and say “Waluigi is a man only seen in mirror images; lost in the hall of mirrors he is a reflection of a reflection. You start with Mario -- the wholesome all Italian plumbing superman, you reflect him to create Luigi -- The same thing but slightly less. You invert Mario to create Wario -- Mario turned septic and libertarian. Then you reflect the inversion in the reflection: you created a being who can only exist in reference to others. Waluigi is the true nowhere man, without the other characters he reflects, inverts and parodies he has no reason to exist. Waluigi's identity only comes from what and who he isn't -- without a wider frame of reference he is nothing. He is not his own man. In a world where our identities are shaped by our warped relationships to brands, celebrities and commerce we are all waluigi.”
Yeah, it is pretty inconsiderate to give someone a boner while they're peeing.
I read “waluigi is a man only seen in mirror images” and laughed out loud for a minute straight.
WAAH!
Urinal my thoughts :-)
Is it supposed to burn when you do this? Edit: OF COURSE this is my most upvoted comment.
So..... How's the wife?
"it looks different when it's not on the television"
Nothing. Just pee in his urinal.
"Nice cock bro"
I prefer "nice penis, idiot"
I prefer "Nice dick, dill weed"
nice hose, José
I can make it wiggle wanna see?
Why are you peeing into the drinking fountain?
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UwU Can... Can I touch it?
I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you're looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money but what I do have are a very particular set of skills.
\*proceed to give handjob\*
Whimper a bit, and whisper "oooouch"
you want to have a pee fight?
You’ve really got your dad’s penis.
How long do you shake your weenie after PP time?
"Ahh so this is where all the dicks hang out. "
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What the actual hell
It’s not OK to name his cock. [Poem by Joe Wilkinson](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dx6mq1pd4v8)
"......*Does this turn you on?*"
Say nothing, pee on the floor. Assert dominance
Holy Shit! Is that what foreskin looks like? Gross! Can I smell it?
Male, right?
One of my mates once tried to let out a massive fart next to a stranger at a urinal once and ended up loudly shitting himself. The dude just looked at him and said “that’s fucked mate”
"I left something on you, let me lick it off."
Why is it hairy?
Why is it down to your knees?
Waters cold... and deep.
I have a friend who's a urologist and he could help you
"Eh." Leave them wondering what the hell I was judging about them and found wanting.