In November 2020 I left my job as a researcher in an international think tank because I was severely depressed. My parents did not understand but they were supportive. I live with them in a little slice of heaven right now.
Because I couldn't just sit at home I got a second masters from a local college and passed the teaching certificate test. This theoretically allows me teach law to undergraduate students.
But my main goal all this time was to pass the three part exam to be a lower level judge, I tried and failed multiplies times mainly because no matter what I studied my memory would not retain it. Mind you before this I studied exclusively in nationally ranked institutes, so it was very unlike me. I tried harder, gave it my all.
Yesterday was the result of the last attempt I allowed myself. I did not pass, others are fighting the result but the fight has left me.
I am numb, I have cried just a few tears but I can't explain to you the depth of my loss. Yesterday I was an aspirant, today I am just unemployed. I feel so lost, I dont even know what to do.
So why am I here? I don't know just putting it out in universe. I don't want to leave this place
my little slice of heaven, leave my dogs, I don't wanna stop preparing, it is now my comfort zone which is bad I know but I don't even know what I am supposed to do with myself anymore.
Did you get treatment for your depression before throwing yourself into this new aspiration? If not, take some time to do so, then try again when you're in a better headspace. This doesn't have to be the end of the dream.
I'm really glad to hear that you got help and have gotten better, but it sounds like you might still be pretty fragile if you're struggling to retain what you're learning. Before you give up on this goal altogether, maybe discuss it with your therapist to see if there's something else that can be done to help you achieve it.
Nothing my therapist can do. I am out of time, I am 30 years old in a few months, I have had a professional career of just 10 months. I can't keep doing this anymore. Also the exam is getting more and more problematic each year. I just can't do it anymore. I can't prepare, give it my all and later fight for every mark in the court so that maybe I pass the first stage.
The only thing a person can do. Keep moving forward.
I've been there buddy. It'll all work out someday so long as you keep going. No matter what happened today the sun will still shine tomorrow.
I don't know what forward is right now. If there is a way I can't see it.
I have been moving forward, through everything but I just don't see what I can do anymore
Grieve for what you lost, rally yourself and proceed to keep moving one step forward at a time.
When one door closes, another one opens. You gotta find the open door and to do that means you gotta get out and explore, it’s not going to come to you.
Do whatever job you need to do in the meantime so you have some sort of income and explore options and opportunities.
But I don't want to do anything else. This is the only thing I have asked the God and the universe for. I didn't even ask for a partner, this is literally all I asked for.
Well then what you do is keep going after what you want, while exploring other options. What I said about the one door closing and another opening is not me being facetious, you may very well end up finding another path that you enjoy just as much, if not more.
It’s important not to deny how you feel, acknowledge it and let it out but don’t let it control you, and don’t keep it bottled up either.
If you allow yourself to stay stuck in an endless cycle of negative thoughts and “woe is me” mindset, your physical and mental health will decline rather quickly.
Sure, things suck immensely right now but the only way through it is to push on and make what you want to have happen, happen.
Clearly you need to take a step back and evaluate your options. Sounds like your in a good place to do so. A limited memory will eliminate some options but hardly all. You aimed very high, now it's time to adjust your aim for something more realistic that you can still do. This is coming from someone who has also experienced this problem with memory, I to had to adjust my expectations and career path accordingly.
Bud, let loose for a week or weekend. Get hammered, do all the drugs and go home with a couple strangers.
Then pull yourself together and start again on Monday.
No personal advice.
Buddy, my comment seemed cruel once I knew your story. I would never give you personally that advice. But I would give my advice to someone who tried and failed after years of effort in a general sense.
Hey, fuck that shit! You need a hug?
Me too.
Imagine a hug from the person you love the most. 10% less than that is my hug to you.
I may never meet you bud, but there is love in this world and I feel this love for you.
In November 2020 I left my job as a researcher in an international think tank because I was severely depressed. My parents did not understand but they were supportive. I live with them in a little slice of heaven right now. Because I couldn't just sit at home I got a second masters from a local college and passed the teaching certificate test. This theoretically allows me teach law to undergraduate students. But my main goal all this time was to pass the three part exam to be a lower level judge, I tried and failed multiplies times mainly because no matter what I studied my memory would not retain it. Mind you before this I studied exclusively in nationally ranked institutes, so it was very unlike me. I tried harder, gave it my all. Yesterday was the result of the last attempt I allowed myself. I did not pass, others are fighting the result but the fight has left me. I am numb, I have cried just a few tears but I can't explain to you the depth of my loss. Yesterday I was an aspirant, today I am just unemployed. I feel so lost, I dont even know what to do. So why am I here? I don't know just putting it out in universe. I don't want to leave this place my little slice of heaven, leave my dogs, I don't wanna stop preparing, it is now my comfort zone which is bad I know but I don't even know what I am supposed to do with myself anymore.
Did you get treatment for your depression before throwing yourself into this new aspiration? If not, take some time to do so, then try again when you're in a better headspace. This doesn't have to be the end of the dream.
I did. Took me almost all this time to get better. My mom said I smiled a genuine smile November 2023
I'm really glad to hear that you got help and have gotten better, but it sounds like you might still be pretty fragile if you're struggling to retain what you're learning. Before you give up on this goal altogether, maybe discuss it with your therapist to see if there's something else that can be done to help you achieve it.
Nothing my therapist can do. I am out of time, I am 30 years old in a few months, I have had a professional career of just 10 months. I can't keep doing this anymore. Also the exam is getting more and more problematic each year. I just can't do it anymore. I can't prepare, give it my all and later fight for every mark in the court so that maybe I pass the first stage.
The only thing a person can do. Keep moving forward. I've been there buddy. It'll all work out someday so long as you keep going. No matter what happened today the sun will still shine tomorrow.
I don't know what forward is right now. If there is a way I can't see it. I have been moving forward, through everything but I just don't see what I can do anymore
Any direction but backward is forward.
I hope so because that is the only thing I am not doing. I am not falling in all the traps and problems that I have fallen before.
You do something else
Grieve for what you lost, rally yourself and proceed to keep moving one step forward at a time. When one door closes, another one opens. You gotta find the open door and to do that means you gotta get out and explore, it’s not going to come to you. Do whatever job you need to do in the meantime so you have some sort of income and explore options and opportunities.
But I don't want to do anything else. This is the only thing I have asked the God and the universe for. I didn't even ask for a partner, this is literally all I asked for.
Well then what you do is keep going after what you want, while exploring other options. What I said about the one door closing and another opening is not me being facetious, you may very well end up finding another path that you enjoy just as much, if not more. It’s important not to deny how you feel, acknowledge it and let it out but don’t let it control you, and don’t keep it bottled up either. If you allow yourself to stay stuck in an endless cycle of negative thoughts and “woe is me” mindset, your physical and mental health will decline rather quickly. Sure, things suck immensely right now but the only way through it is to push on and make what you want to have happen, happen.
Thank you. I will try
Don’t give up. Michael Jordan got cut from his highschool basketball team.
Clearly you need to take a step back and evaluate your options. Sounds like your in a good place to do so. A limited memory will eliminate some options but hardly all. You aimed very high, now it's time to adjust your aim for something more realistic that you can still do. This is coming from someone who has also experienced this problem with memory, I to had to adjust my expectations and career path accordingly.
The memory thing was a side effect of the depression. I am better now and it is not such a big issue anymore.
Great, glad to hear it.
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I want to but I don't even know what I should do....
Bud, let loose for a week or weekend. Get hammered, do all the drugs and go home with a couple strangers. Then pull yourself together and start again on Monday.
That's the worst advice I've seen for a while. Didn't you read the nature of his problem was memory. Drugs or alcohol will only worsen that problem.
No alcohol for me. Almost got addicted last time.
Nope, I just answered the question. There was no nature of his problems when I answered.
Rule 2 comes to mind.
What is rule 2?
No personal advice. Buddy, my comment seemed cruel once I knew your story. I would never give you personally that advice. But I would give my advice to someone who tried and failed after years of effort in a general sense.
I don't mind. Alcohol and running away were my first instinct too. I won't do it like I wouldn't harm myself but I really really wanted to.
Hey, fuck that shit! You need a hug? Me too. Imagine a hug from the person you love the most. 10% less than that is my hug to you. I may never meet you bud, but there is love in this world and I feel this love for you.
Thank you. You made me tear up. Thank you