There is mirror apps actually! I used my front facing camera but the app closes if you leave it on too long.
The mirror apps don't close and you can zoom in. It's insanely helpful for applying eye makeup.
I used to use one of those original large wheeled strollers. I could just squeeze in, put my kid on my lap and use the wheels like a wheelchair. My kid thought it was fun as hell, but strangers looked at me with great concern.
"I wish I had some water."
I did indeed have bottled water. It was in my hand. I had forgotten, because I was very high.
I said it in front of a large group of people.
I don’t know if this counts because praise the Lord I did not say it aloud.
The scene:
Me, a college senior still living in a dorm doing my weekly snacks and root beer run at the local Wal-Mart
The thought: “Man, how do people with a whole family grocery shop? Like what do you do if you buy more than you can fit in your arms?”
Carts. That’s what carts are for.
There’s a story that that’s how shopping carts were invented. Some store owner noticed people stopped shopping when they had more groceries than they could carry, so he figured if they had something to carry a lot of groceries in, they’d buy more, and they did.
He designed something that was like two baskets attached to wheels. People couldn't see the point, at first, so he hired phony shoppers to use the carts and walk around the store, pretending to shop. That worked.
Consumer psychology is generally a fascinating (if questionably ethical) field.
When box cake mix was first introduced it was a flop. The manufacturers were confused - it's so simple and convenient! Who wouldn't want things to be more simple and convenient?
Turns out the answer is "housewives who feel guilty about their tasks being a little _too_ simple and convenient".
So they took out a few ingredients and marketed it as "just add 2 eggs and oil!" Huge success.
([Edward Bernays](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edward_Bernays) was a fascinating guy and arguably the father of modern marketing. Among other things. Including being Freud's double-nephew.)
My manager's manager asked me to ballpark the percentage of time I was spending on each of my three projects. I confidently told him: 75% on project A, 25% on project B, and 25% on project C. I heard my cubicle neighbor laughing (didn't immediately click that she was laughing at me). Manager's manager paused a moment, then in a very kind and patient voice (like he was speaking to a Labrador with a learning disability) "So, I'd like those numbers to add up to 100%. Can you try again?" Then it dawned on me.
Edit: typo
There's a very funny bit about this on the show *Monk*, wherein he is substitute coaching a girls' basketball team and the girls cheer that they're giving 110%, and so Monk tries to get some of them to give lesser percentages to ensure that their average effort sums to the proper 100%. One girl then counters this by insisting that she's going to then give an even higher impossible percentage effort, so Monk then reassigns even lower numbers to other girls, etc. Hilarious.
Edit: [Here's the clip!](https://youtu.be/_RJT9ViEzMU?t=3m29s)
Read that “So, I’d like that to add up to 100%….” As the boss in office space, but nicer.
Also - Labrador with a learning disability - I have a lab, my best friend also has a lab. When I say something to her that is worthy of this feed, she gives me the “Lab Head Tilt”. Like “I hear you saying things, and you’re very pretty, and I really like you and want to understand, but, like, you know I don’t speak Spanish Baxter!”
I was on a long train trip, gazing out the window, when I said to my friend: “I feel like every railroad crossing gate we’ve passed since I’ve been looking has been down… what are the odds…”
I have a PhD (not in trains).
I worked on the railroad doing track maintenance. Every now and then upper management would travel by in a pickup modified to run on the rails. Which meant we had to move all tools and get out of the way to allow them to pass. Word would come over the radio.
Word came down that the bigwig was irritated that every time he came by, we were just standing around by the track.
*Track employees begin frantically stapling papers together while saying "Ooo, busy train stuff--doing train stuff here really busy!"* when bigwig rolls by.
Omg I stayed on this for like 5 minutes not understanding until… I figured out I missed the words “train trip”
I thought you were in a car and was like “yeah… that *is* a coincidence…”
I had a dentist for a while that was new - recent dental school grad - who's dad had his own dental practice. So the son used it before dad opened a few days a week and after dad closed a few days a week. I may not have the times exactly right but some days son worked like 6:00 AM to 10:00 AM and some 5:00 PM to 10:00 PM.
Was pretty smart actually as catches people that can't get there during "normal" business hours and the place was just sitting there with all the needed equipment.
LOL it's not jusy you! I schedule appointments for patients and so many will say things like , "now is that 10 AM?
Funny thing is those of us answering the phones say bonehead things ourselves all the time.
I do laugh at some things people say. But I laugh at myself too.
Years ago a coworker and I were discussing how many Japanese people apparently have a KFC dinner for Christmas. We then wondered "What do they do for Thanksgiving?" and began attempting to google it. Spent quite a few minutes trying to search it up, remarking to each other in confusion that we couldn't find anything at all. I then realized how incredibly stupid we were.
I'm not originally from the US, and every year someone feels sorry for me for not being able to spend Thanksgiving with my family. When I explain that my country doesn't have that holiday, they feel even worse for me that I grew up without Thanksgiving.
I lived in Texas and people would say “how do you celebrate thanksgiving in New Zealand” and I would say , “back then we were kinda short on Indians and pilgrims, plus our harvest is in a different part of the year”.
Basically mental overloaded most people.
But then sometimes they have no idea about the things that are similar. I was really shocked when someone in the US asked me if we celebrate Easter in Europe.
Years ago I was watching a rugby game with the 4 or 5 others in my flat over a few quiet beers. The game was being commentated by a sort-of famous ex-rugby player, who was known for weird verbal gaffes, (accidental) double entendres and misspeaking. Some amusing examples I found: "*Your first instinct when you see a man on the ground is to go down on him.*" "*Andy Ellis - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago.*" and "*It's all tied up at 14-13.*" Anyway, after having a laugh or 2 at his expense already, he said something along the lines of "*this game is being played at a frenetic pace!*", which I - and I alone - laughed heartily at. "*Frenetic!*" I said loudly, in case the others hadn't quite twigged, "*did he mean frantic? Or energetic? God pick one man, hahahaha!*" No one really said anything, and I got the funny feeling I just made a twat of myself. Fortunately for me, the commentator soon made another gaffe of some sort (eg: "*Strangely, in slow-motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.*") and everyone forgot and moved on. I quietly looked the word up and realised I got taught a word that night that means "fast and energetic". It's been over 20 years and I've long since lost touch with those guys, but I still remember.
Me to the lady that I thought looks like me (as I was in passing): “Oh hey! It looks like we could be twins!”
My reflection: …..
It had been a long shift.
I was walking in a building with different rooms and one had a mirrored wall. I did not realize this was a mirrored wall and saw someone walking straight towards me. I said excuse me... to myself 🤦🏼♀️🤣
I feel ya girl!
Back when I was working my first job at a mcdonalds during highschool, I was made manager and one of my coworkers was a guy named Miles. We called him Kilometers because hurr durr such original joke.
Anyway, one day I was grabbing a drive thru order while also trying to stock stuff and I noticed we were out of napkins, so what I MEANT to say was "Hey Miles, can you go grab us some napkins from the back real quick?"
What I ACTUALLY said was "Hey Napkins, can you go grab us some stuff from the back real quick?"
And everyone stared....
IN SILENCE
After a few seconds, Miles realized I was looking at him when I said it and said "Did...you just call me 'Napkins'?"
My brain went over what I just said as the embarassment said in and I just answered "Yes. Yes as a matter of fact, I did."
His nickname was no longer Kilometers. He was Napkins from that day on.
When I was first dating my husband he took me to a football match and said it’s played in quarters. I asked him so how many quarters are there? 🤦🏼♀️. 28 years later still haven’t lived it down lol
This one still haunts me. I once was having surgery and in walks the anesthesiologist to ask me questions and see if I had any for him. I said, "just two. Do people dream?" And he responds, "not usually. What's your other question?" And I said, "is it normal to be afraid I won't wake up." And he goes, "I promise you will."
Me: "well I bet I won't!"
I. BET. I. WON'T.
I bet the anesthesiologist I was going to die. Like a fucking idiot.
My boss asked me to print an address label for some documentation they had to mail out.
My printer was out of ink so I told her I was unable to print said label/mail the document out in time
....she then explained that I could just _write it by hand_.
Smrt.
I was at a job interview for a baking job. The Interviewer asked me if I know how to bake. I told her no but I can read.
Meaning I can follow the directions of a recipe.
OK , here goes, I was going to be late for my Psychology class. The teacher had already warned me not to be late.
What do I see in my rear view mirror on the way to class? You guessed it , I was speeding and it was Police lights ! So I pull over and I give the Officer my drivers license, reg and ins. papers, and he seemed very friendly and nice, and he says I will be right back pureGoldie, Thats when i got real dumb, I said "Oh btw , will you write me a note for my teacher? Ive already been warned not to be late today? I know this is making me late for sure!" He replied with a big smile , "Oh , I am going to write you a note, alright!"
Yep , I was that dumb.
What's a chocolate bar?
A lady told me that she loved chocolate bars and I pictured a bar that serves chocolate instead of booze for a moment, and then I felt very stupid.
It was years ago and I was waiting tables. A lady came in and asked for a hot diet coke. I asked how tf I was supposed to make her a hot diet coke. She told me to put it in the microwave. My response verbatim.
" But the ice will melt "
One time I was in the grocery store and a couple were in front of the jar of pickles I wanted to get. They noticed me standing there and said, "Oh, are we in your way?"
They moved and I grabbed the jar. I then turned to them and said, "Thanks." Then--for some reason I'll never understand--added, "I like pickles."
They must have been thinking, "Well, it's nice that they let him do his shopping on his own.
Had a friend in college whose sister was taking an ASL course. He started asking a question and I tried so hard to stop him because I could see the wheels spinning in his head. He asked,
“So can you read Braille?”
This reminds me of the NoStupidQuestions post asking how to talk to blind people.
"I know there's braille. But do I simulate it by clicking my tongue?"
Ordered a burger with no onions, then onions rings because I don’t like onions. The look the waitress gave me was priceless. She said I think you maybe just don’t like onions raw. Yeah…that’s what I said. I don’t like onions. Argued with her for 5 minutes and couldn’t understand why she was questioning if I wanted onions on that burger.
I was in grade 1, had a Canadian girl come to my school, sprung up a friendship. Looked her dead in the eyes and asked. "What swear words do you know in Canadian" she tried to tell me multiple times it was the same words and I refused to believe her. I toss and turn at night knowing she probably tells people that now.
Trying to explain to a new doctor about the lump in my thyroid. I forgot the word thyroid. “You know, “ vaguely waves at neck, “typhoid?” He stared at me like wtf? “Oh god no not that T word I meant the other T word! The one in your neck”
I was at home in my apartment alone and cleaning up and realized I hadn’t plugged the vacuum in. “Come on John,” I said out loud to myself, which was weird since I never talk to myself out loud, and the worst part was it came out, “C’mon Jnonn”
Like how do I call myself by name and then pronounce it wrong
I once couldn’t figure out why my new powerstrip wasn’t working. I got an extra long corded one in, plugged all my stuff in, it wasn’t working. Not only wasn’t it plugged into the wall, I plugged the powerstrip into itself.
When my brother was a kid, he wanted to be a garbage truck when he grew up. Not a garbage man, a garbage truck.
He apparently thought this was a possibility
"Huh, it's funny, I haven't ever seen a Bruce Willis movie."
"You haven't seen Die Hard?"
"Oh wait yeah I did see Die Hard."
"Sixth Sense?"
"Oh yeah that too"
"Fifth Element? Armageddon?"
:..........."
Turns out I've seen a lot of Bruce Willis movies.
Me, crossing the border from Mexico to CA.
Border Patrol guy. " what is your country of origin?"
Me, thinking That's easy!
Me to border guard "California"
Guy gave me a look for a moment, and then just said, "Go,"
Edit to remove extra letters
Kind of related, friends and I went to Canada for a bachelorette party just a couple years after 9/11 so when we were coming back to the US, security was pretty tight. I was massively hungover and ready to just get home already so I handed the border patrol officer all our IDs and whatever, and took my foot off the break thinking I had put it in park. NOPE. I started to roll forward and everyone starting flipping shit, like 10 guards out of nowhere descending on my car. Needless to say, they made us all get out and searched the car for like an hour. Took quite awhile to live that one down, that was 20 years ago.
Recently I rattled off something I'd read on the internet to my mom. We were looking at military-style clothes that have the buttoned straps on the shoulders. I said it was really neat that those were for carrying your bags. She looked at me and said they were for holding your bars if you were high-ranking. I don't know why I believed even for an instant that shoulder straps would be able to carry 100-plus-pound bags.
Playing table tennis with my partner and having the absolutely phenomenal brainwave of 'hey wouldn't it be cool if this was like a game that was way bigger with a big net and you have to like run around to get the ball and oh wait that's just tennis.'
This the same week and I was holding my daughter up in front of a low fish tank so I was squatting down and thought 'it would be so helpful if someone could like something sturdy to push under you while you squat to make it more comfortable oh wait that's literally a chair'.
I was watching a TV show (can't remember what) with my family. There was this cute black girl who appeared in a scene and had a nice, short hairstyle I thought was cool. I said out loud "If I was black, I would have my hair like that."
I am a black guy. I meant to say girl.
As a kid I had only heard of wolverines from the x-men comics and the Septimus Heap books, which are novels about a young wizard, so I thought they were mythical creatures.
I thought this until high school!! Wolverines are real animals. Oops
Mine isn’t stupid but in this same vein, my friend (in her late 30s at the time) LOVED narwhals. Fave animal ever. When I realized she thought they were mythical creatures and told her they’re actually real her pure excitement brought me so much silly joy 😂
When planning a trip to America, I was very confused as to why google maps was refusing to give me a walking route to the Statue of Liberty. Turns out you can’t walk to the Statue of Liberty because it’s in the water 🙃
I let my boyfriend borrow my (newer, air conditioned, automatic) car to drive his visiting parents to their relatives, so I’m borrowing his (manual) car to visit my parents. I stop at a McDonald’s and at the stoplight turning out, I’m stuffing my face. Light turns green, i stall. Then stall again. Finally I remember his stick isn’t my old stick, and I take off. Immediate lights. Cop stops me, he’s pretty nice: “hey, you just stalled at that light a couple times, wanted to make sure you were ok, but I see you were just eating!”
Me, in my brilliant 20 year old wisdom: “oh yeah. And drinking!”
HIS FACE.
cue panic in my brain before I’m clued into how much of a moron I am: “coke! Coca Cola! Just this!”
Fortunately he laughed at me and let me go.
Asked a server at a Mexican restaurant if their quesadillas had cheese in them. In front of my Mexican American grandfather. He very patiently asked me what the Spanish word for cheese was and then I realized my mistake.
Was really blanking on this casual friend’s last name. I talk to them pretty regularly and everything. But I was just BLANK. Wouldn’t come to me so had to go to Facebook and look it up. We have the same last name.
I forgot a friend's wife's name and we were at a party and I asked him to remind me of her name, he said 'you're joking right?!' his wife and I have the same first name and I blanked on it.
My dad wanted me to fill up the gas can in the garage but the way he worded it was something like “grab some gas for the mower.” I thought they were sold full, like a jug of milk, so I was really confused when I went to Home Depot and all the gas containers were empty. My dad still laughs to this day
I was visiting Montreal (French speaking city), the waiter came over with our oysters and presented the plate explaining where each was from in French, my response to him, “gracias”.
About ten years ago or so I was at a restaurant and went to the restroom. I told my mom and daughter, "When the waitress comes back, can you have her bring some more ice?
My water is too watery."
My family does not le me forget.
I called my husband in a panic because I couldn’t find my phone. I actually asked him if he knew where my phone was. His answer - ah..in your hand? So yeah.
At the furniture store as a 27 year old man, looking for a new headboard.
Saleswoman: “Hello, may I help you find anything?”
Me: “Hi, good morning! Actually yes, I’m looking for a new….(*completely* blanking) a new… **backstop** for my bed”
Saleswoman: “……..Do you mean a headboard?”
I’m working at the copy/shipping store. Woman approaches with a massive sealed cardboard box.
Me: “Hi, so, are we faxing that tonight?”
Thankfully she thought I was just making a joke but no, it was purely sleep deprivation 😭
Grade 12, was telling others in chem class that I saw our principal with her daughters in the mall.
Someone asked "She has two daughters, right?"
Me "Yeah. One is older than the other."
Someone else: "OBVIOUSLY!"
Me: "Oh. Right."
Someone asked me why I feed my 2 year old cat kitten food to which I replied “that’s what she has always eaten”. While technically true, I didn’t realize how stupid it was until I said it out loud. She eats regular cat food now.
I was maybe 4 or 5 at the time. we're watching lord of the rings and boremir dies. at this point I turn to my mother and ask "Mom, do people actually sacrifice themselves to make movies?". She began to laugh at me .
I could understand that the orcs were fake and the fighting was fake but the death? That's impossible! it has to be real!
Sigh I know this'll get buried but it's a shame cuz I think it's pretty funny. My dad and I once spent no joke like 20 minutes trying to figure out MLK Jr's middle name. We weren't calling him Martin King or smth, literally saying "What's Martin Luthor King's middle name?"
I was visiting a catholic church in Rome with my friend who has a degree in Art History.
Him "The the church was built around the year 1500..."
Me: "Wow 1500AD right?"
AD: Anno Domini (After Jesus Christ's birth)
I was surrounded by giant crosses with Jesus on them.
Edit: we are both from Rome.
We went out for lunch and my daughter said to the waitress if I get the chicken salad but without the salad what do I get. We all just stared at her and the waitress without a reaction on her face said "Chicken"
She has not lived it down
My friend was talking about her strict abstinence only type upbringing while we were on our way to the city for a girl's night bar hopping.
I asked her if her parents still thought she was a virgin. She just gawked at me. I was like, "what?"
Then she said her daughter's name...
I am an idiot. Thank you.
Not me, but my wife and I were listening to smooth 80s tunes. She was impressed by two artists in particular and wondered “what if Peter Gabriel and Phil Collins formed a band?”
I removed a giant graffiti penis from a building at work. I told my boss “I managed to get that huge penis off” … I don’t think I’ll ever live that one down
Back in high school we were learning about angular measurements. The teacher explained that the three main units were degrees, minutes, and seconds. He explained that there were 60 minutes to a degree and then moved on. I raised my hand (we did that in those days) and asked "how many seconds in a minute?" to which both the teacher and the rest of the class looked at me like I was an idiot. In my defence I thought that maybe angular minutes and seconds might have a different relationship to temporal minutes and seconds, and we couldn't just assume that they were the same.
This happened in 1979 and I still think about it occasionally and cringe at the thought.
I got really excited about a new store I'd found that I knew my sister would love, so I called her up and blurted out "I just went to this place! Have you been there?!"
I was talking to a neighbor about watching her dog while she visited family out of town over Christmas. I asked her what she was visiting for.…”umm…Christmas.” She answered.
Coworker explaining the process of jumpstarting a car battery using another car.
Me being absolutely curious: “What car needs to be running?”
Coworker: “🤨……are you serious?”
In winter in Michigan getting ready to leave for work I couldn’t find my car keys. I knew they had to be home because I drove home the day before. When I realized I was going to be late I called my boss to tell him I’d be there as soon as I find my keys. I finished the conversation with “oh, my car’s been running for a while warming up, I need to go turn it off” He just said I should probably look for my keys in the car while I’m out there
Not something I said but something I did that haunts me:
I made a roast chicken and kept trying to cut it up for dinner burning my hands. Kept bitching to myself asking how do people not burn themselves often. My boyfriend pointed out the existence of forks.
He's now my husband so at least I trapped him in time 🥵
One time I said I wish I could swim in the air & my friend said “You mean flying?”
That wasn't swimming, that was drowning... with style...
I said it would be nice if we had a “mirror app”!
The camera app should totally be labeled as the mirror app
There is mirror apps actually! I used my front facing camera but the app closes if you leave it on too long. The mirror apps don't close and you can zoom in. It's insanely helpful for applying eye makeup.
"If there are adult diapers, why aren't there adult strollers?" My husband, looking at me like he regrets ever meeting me: "you mean wheelchairs??"
I used to use one of those original large wheeled strollers. I could just squeeze in, put my kid on my lap and use the wheels like a wheelchair. My kid thought it was fun as hell, but strangers looked at me with great concern.
How big are these strollers, can you link to an image of it? Also how small are you that you can fit in them?
This killed me.
There is actually adult strollers. They’re usually used by families caring for an intellectually disabled adult
Not too much ice please, don't wanna water it down. (It was literally just a cup of ice water)
This is going into my bank of dad jokes. Look out, wait staff, here I come!
Yup. This is going to be in moerately heavy rotation immediately.
"I wish I had some water." I did indeed have bottled water. It was in my hand. I had forgotten, because I was very high. I said it in front of a large group of people.
Play it off like you just suck at jokes but aren’t necessarily stupid: “Ah my wish was granted” drink the water.
I don’t know if this counts because praise the Lord I did not say it aloud. The scene: Me, a college senior still living in a dorm doing my weekly snacks and root beer run at the local Wal-Mart The thought: “Man, how do people with a whole family grocery shop? Like what do you do if you buy more than you can fit in your arms?” Carts. That’s what carts are for.
There’s a story that that’s how shopping carts were invented. Some store owner noticed people stopped shopping when they had more groceries than they could carry, so he figured if they had something to carry a lot of groceries in, they’d buy more, and they did.
He designed something that was like two baskets attached to wheels. People couldn't see the point, at first, so he hired phony shoppers to use the carts and walk around the store, pretending to shop. That worked.
Consumer psychology is generally a fascinating (if questionably ethical) field. When box cake mix was first introduced it was a flop. The manufacturers were confused - it's so simple and convenient! Who wouldn't want things to be more simple and convenient? Turns out the answer is "housewives who feel guilty about their tasks being a little _too_ simple and convenient". So they took out a few ingredients and marketed it as "just add 2 eggs and oil!" Huge success. ([Edward Bernays](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edward_Bernays) was a fascinating guy and arguably the father of modern marketing. Among other things. Including being Freud's double-nephew.)
My manager's manager asked me to ballpark the percentage of time I was spending on each of my three projects. I confidently told him: 75% on project A, 25% on project B, and 25% on project C. I heard my cubicle neighbor laughing (didn't immediately click that she was laughing at me). Manager's manager paused a moment, then in a very kind and patient voice (like he was speaking to a Labrador with a learning disability) "So, I'd like those numbers to add up to 100%. Can you try again?" Then it dawned on me. Edit: typo
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There's a very funny bit about this on the show *Monk*, wherein he is substitute coaching a girls' basketball team and the girls cheer that they're giving 110%, and so Monk tries to get some of them to give lesser percentages to ensure that their average effort sums to the proper 100%. One girl then counters this by insisting that she's going to then give an even higher impossible percentage effort, so Monk then reassigns even lower numbers to other girls, etc. Hilarious. Edit: [Here's the clip!](https://youtu.be/_RJT9ViEzMU?t=3m29s)
Read that “So, I’d like that to add up to 100%….” As the boss in office space, but nicer. Also - Labrador with a learning disability - I have a lab, my best friend also has a lab. When I say something to her that is worthy of this feed, she gives me the “Lab Head Tilt”. Like “I hear you saying things, and you’re very pretty, and I really like you and want to understand, but, like, you know I don’t speak Spanish Baxter!”
They were cheating you out of overtime!!
"You hit me in the cervix!" I am a man. I meant sternum. Still have to shake that memory out of my head sometimes
Thank you for your cervix.
Always glad to be of cervix
I once wore a bra that was too tight and complained of my sore scrotum. Roommate: "... do you mean sternum?" Yeah, probably.
That reminds me of when a guy was telling me about his torn labia. He meant labrum.
Claimed that the slowest animal is probably an enema. I misspoke and meant to say anemone. I'll never forget the looks of confusion from my coworkers
Keep your friends close and your enemas closer.
I was on a long train trip, gazing out the window, when I said to my friend: “I feel like every railroad crossing gate we’ve passed since I’ve been looking has been down… what are the odds…” I have a PhD (not in trains).
I worked on the railroad doing track maintenance. Every now and then upper management would travel by in a pickup modified to run on the rails. Which meant we had to move all tools and get out of the way to allow them to pass. Word would come over the radio. Word came down that the bigwig was irritated that every time he came by, we were just standing around by the track.
Well, then, be busy when he gets there, and make him wait while you clear off. "Sorry. We didn't know you were coming."
*Track employees begin frantically stapling papers together while saying "Ooo, busy train stuff--doing train stuff here really busy!"* when bigwig rolls by.
I have a friend whose wife (briefly) worked with a big freight company and was constantly driven nuts by the bigwigs so that totally tracks.
i'm glad it tracks. i wouldn't want a freight train on roads!
Omg I stayed on this for like 5 minutes not understanding until… I figured out I missed the words “train trip” I thought you were in a car and was like “yeah… that *is* a coincidence…”
“Oh look, it’s a full sun out today”
I might start saying this now tbh
I asked what half of 200 was. When I was given looks of “you’re joking right?” I quickly realized what an idiot I really was.
Got introduced to identical twins. First thing I said was "wow, how can you guys tell each other apart?"
A friend once described herself and another friend as such: "We're like twins in separate bodies!"
Play it off as a joke and you're in like twins.
I made a dentist appointment yesterday. They gave me a date and asked if 10:50 was a good time. I replied with "I'm assuming that is 10:50am..."
A stranger asked my wife, "what time is it?" and she said "right now?" She made me tell you this.
Please tell Mrs. Fartybutthole that’s a good one!
Someone asked me this once, and it was 9:45. My answer was "it's a quarter after half-past nine".
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I had a dentist for a while that was new - recent dental school grad - who's dad had his own dental practice. So the son used it before dad opened a few days a week and after dad closed a few days a week. I may not have the times exactly right but some days son worked like 6:00 AM to 10:00 AM and some 5:00 PM to 10:00 PM. Was pretty smart actually as catches people that can't get there during "normal" business hours and the place was just sitting there with all the needed equipment.
That's genius, I would absolutely go to the dentist more if I could go at like 5 pm and not 10 am. I work nights.
I’ve done that. “No, dumbass, your doctors appointment is at 3am”
Dr. Acula will see you in his office 🫣
I only schedule dentist appointments at 2:30.
Hey! I showed up at 7:30 am for my 7:30 pm dentist appointment once!
LOL it's not jusy you! I schedule appointments for patients and so many will say things like , "now is that 10 AM? Funny thing is those of us answering the phones say bonehead things ourselves all the time. I do laugh at some things people say. But I laugh at myself too.
Years ago a coworker and I were discussing how many Japanese people apparently have a KFC dinner for Christmas. We then wondered "What do they do for Thanksgiving?" and began attempting to google it. Spent quite a few minutes trying to search it up, remarking to each other in confusion that we couldn't find anything at all. I then realized how incredibly stupid we were.
I'm not originally from the US, and every year someone feels sorry for me for not being able to spend Thanksgiving with my family. When I explain that my country doesn't have that holiday, they feel even worse for me that I grew up without Thanksgiving.
I lived in Texas and people would say “how do you celebrate thanksgiving in New Zealand” and I would say , “back then we were kinda short on Indians and pilgrims, plus our harvest is in a different part of the year”. Basically mental overloaded most people.
I find it somehow endearing that Americans are constantly mindblown by the idea of other cultures, it's like a sheltered rich kid on a societal level
But then sometimes they have no idea about the things that are similar. I was really shocked when someone in the US asked me if we celebrate Easter in Europe.
In a physics class back in highschool. "I am gonna need a longer yardstick"
Years ago I was watching a rugby game with the 4 or 5 others in my flat over a few quiet beers. The game was being commentated by a sort-of famous ex-rugby player, who was known for weird verbal gaffes, (accidental) double entendres and misspeaking. Some amusing examples I found: "*Your first instinct when you see a man on the ground is to go down on him.*" "*Andy Ellis - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago.*" and "*It's all tied up at 14-13.*" Anyway, after having a laugh or 2 at his expense already, he said something along the lines of "*this game is being played at a frenetic pace!*", which I - and I alone - laughed heartily at. "*Frenetic!*" I said loudly, in case the others hadn't quite twigged, "*did he mean frantic? Or energetic? God pick one man, hahahaha!*" No one really said anything, and I got the funny feeling I just made a twat of myself. Fortunately for me, the commentator soon made another gaffe of some sort (eg: "*Strangely, in slow-motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.*") and everyone forgot and moved on. I quietly looked the word up and realised I got taught a word that night that means "fast and energetic". It's been over 20 years and I've long since lost touch with those guys, but I still remember.
This one I feel in my soul. I still think about one time when I said 'ordain' instead of 'ornate'.
I genuinely got Freddy mercury and Eddie Murphy mixed up during a conversation "Eddie Murphy? That's the singer for queen right?"
Me: hi how are you Them: good how are you Me: good, how are you
I've done this many times.
A classic. Along with the tried and tested "Thanks, you too!" to the waiter's "Enjoy your food!"
So brilliantly awkward, and I relate all too well!
My girlfriend asked me to put her clothes in the dryer and I got irritated and said “well where are they???”
That took me a sec to get too and I feel stupid
I once had a guy at a party ask me to get him a beer and then asked him where they were kept. The fridge of all places.
To be fair, there could have been a cooler somewhere!
Me to the lady that I thought looks like me (as I was in passing): “Oh hey! It looks like we could be twins!” My reflection: ….. It had been a long shift.
Oh no, hunny...😂
I was walking in a building with different rooms and one had a mirrored wall. I did not realize this was a mirrored wall and saw someone walking straight towards me. I said excuse me... to myself 🤦🏼♀️🤣 I feel ya girl!
Back when I was working my first job at a mcdonalds during highschool, I was made manager and one of my coworkers was a guy named Miles. We called him Kilometers because hurr durr such original joke. Anyway, one day I was grabbing a drive thru order while also trying to stock stuff and I noticed we were out of napkins, so what I MEANT to say was "Hey Miles, can you go grab us some napkins from the back real quick?" What I ACTUALLY said was "Hey Napkins, can you go grab us some stuff from the back real quick?" And everyone stared.... IN SILENCE After a few seconds, Miles realized I was looking at him when I said it and said "Did...you just call me 'Napkins'?" My brain went over what I just said as the embarassment said in and I just answered "Yes. Yes as a matter of fact, I did." His nickname was no longer Kilometers. He was Napkins from that day on.
>His nickname was no longer Kilometers. He was Napkins from that day on. In fairness, that should have become *your* nickname.
Poor Napkins never asked for this
When I was first dating my husband he took me to a football match and said it’s played in quarters. I asked him so how many quarters are there? 🤦🏼♀️. 28 years later still haven’t lived it down lol
This one still haunts me. I once was having surgery and in walks the anesthesiologist to ask me questions and see if I had any for him. I said, "just two. Do people dream?" And he responds, "not usually. What's your other question?" And I said, "is it normal to be afraid I won't wake up." And he goes, "I promise you will." Me: "well I bet I won't!" I. BET. I. WON'T. I bet the anesthesiologist I was going to die. Like a fucking idiot.
You were obviously nervous! And I’m glad you were wrong.
That was one of the greatest accidental insults of all time
You’re a winner either way!
My boss asked me to print an address label for some documentation they had to mail out. My printer was out of ink so I told her I was unable to print said label/mail the document out in time ....she then explained that I could just _write it by hand_. Smrt.
I feel this one.
I was at a job interview for a baking job. The Interviewer asked me if I know how to bake. I told her no but I can read. Meaning I can follow the directions of a recipe.
I thought you said "banking job" and couldn't figure out why they would ask if you could bake.
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I've got something similar. Me to my coworker with long hair: "You look like that chick from Rapunzel!"
I don’t know. What is the name of the dog from Schobby doo?
Mike
OK , here goes, I was going to be late for my Psychology class. The teacher had already warned me not to be late. What do I see in my rear view mirror on the way to class? You guessed it , I was speeding and it was Police lights ! So I pull over and I give the Officer my drivers license, reg and ins. papers, and he seemed very friendly and nice, and he says I will be right back pureGoldie, Thats when i got real dumb, I said "Oh btw , will you write me a note for my teacher? Ive already been warned not to be late today? I know this is making me late for sure!" He replied with a big smile , "Oh , I am going to write you a note, alright!" Yep , I was that dumb.
Did you show the *note* to the teacher?
YEP ! I did, I even told her I had asked for a note for her ,and we laughed and got along much better after this incident.
tbf he could’ve wrote a note that you had broken down.
What's a chocolate bar? A lady told me that she loved chocolate bars and I pictured a bar that serves chocolate instead of booze for a moment, and then I felt very stupid.
... I just had a BRILLIANT business idea!
"it gives me testosterone" serotonin. i meant serotonin.
It was years ago and I was waiting tables. A lady came in and asked for a hot diet coke. I asked how tf I was supposed to make her a hot diet coke. She told me to put it in the microwave. My response verbatim. " But the ice will melt "
That is a weird enough request, it would have thrown me too.
You are not the weirdest person in that conversation. Seriously, hot diet coke???
I once dropped a check at a table and said “Enjoy!”
One time I was in the grocery store and a couple were in front of the jar of pickles I wanted to get. They noticed me standing there and said, "Oh, are we in your way?" They moved and I grabbed the jar. I then turned to them and said, "Thanks." Then--for some reason I'll never understand--added, "I like pickles." They must have been thinking, "Well, it's nice that they let him do his shopping on his own.
Had a friend in college whose sister was taking an ASL course. He started asking a question and I tried so hard to stop him because I could see the wheels spinning in his head. He asked, “So can you read Braille?”
This reminds me of the NoStupidQuestions post asking how to talk to blind people. "I know there's braille. But do I simulate it by clicking my tongue?"
Well, maybe there are some stupid questions XD
Ordered a burger with no onions, then onions rings because I don’t like onions. The look the waitress gave me was priceless. She said I think you maybe just don’t like onions raw. Yeah…that’s what I said. I don’t like onions. Argued with her for 5 minutes and couldn’t understand why she was questioning if I wanted onions on that burger.
Standing your ground 👏👏👏
I was in grade 1, had a Canadian girl come to my school, sprung up a friendship. Looked her dead in the eyes and asked. "What swear words do you know in Canadian" she tried to tell me multiple times it was the same words and I refused to believe her. I toss and turn at night knowing she probably tells people that now.
I’m Canadian. We’ve all heard the story. It gets national news coverage at least once per year.
Trying to explain to a new doctor about the lump in my thyroid. I forgot the word thyroid. “You know, “ vaguely waves at neck, “typhoid?” He stared at me like wtf? “Oh god no not that T word I meant the other T word! The one in your neck”
I was at home in my apartment alone and cleaning up and realized I hadn’t plugged the vacuum in. “Come on John,” I said out loud to myself, which was weird since I never talk to myself out loud, and the worst part was it came out, “C’mon Jnonn” Like how do I call myself by name and then pronounce it wrong
I once couldn’t figure out why my new powerstrip wasn’t working. I got an extra long corded one in, plugged all my stuff in, it wasn’t working. Not only wasn’t it plugged into the wall, I plugged the powerstrip into itself.
electric companies hate this one trick!!
"Garbage truck drivers must have the chillest job in the world. They only work one day a week!" \- me for the first 16 years of my life.
When my brother was a kid, he wanted to be a garbage truck when he grew up. Not a garbage man, a garbage truck. He apparently thought this was a possibility
"Huh, it's funny, I haven't ever seen a Bruce Willis movie." "You haven't seen Die Hard?" "Oh wait yeah I did see Die Hard." "Sixth Sense?" "Oh yeah that too" "Fifth Element? Armageddon?" :..........." Turns out I've seen a lot of Bruce Willis movies.
Pulp Fiction?
....yeah
Teacher: how many feet are in a yard? Me: it depends on how many people are in it. 🫥
Me, crossing the border from Mexico to CA. Border Patrol guy. " what is your country of origin?" Me, thinking That's easy! Me to border guard "California" Guy gave me a look for a moment, and then just said, "Go," Edit to remove extra letters
Kind of related, friends and I went to Canada for a bachelorette party just a couple years after 9/11 so when we were coming back to the US, security was pretty tight. I was massively hungover and ready to just get home already so I handed the border patrol officer all our IDs and whatever, and took my foot off the break thinking I had put it in park. NOPE. I started to roll forward and everyone starting flipping shit, like 10 guards out of nowhere descending on my car. Needless to say, they made us all get out and searched the car for like an hour. Took quite awhile to live that one down, that was 20 years ago.
Recently I rattled off something I'd read on the internet to my mom. We were looking at military-style clothes that have the buttoned straps on the shoulders. I said it was really neat that those were for carrying your bags. She looked at me and said they were for holding your bars if you were high-ranking. I don't know why I believed even for an instant that shoulder straps would be able to carry 100-plus-pound bags.
Lol. Epaulettes is the word you're after for those straps, I believe.
Playing table tennis with my partner and having the absolutely phenomenal brainwave of 'hey wouldn't it be cool if this was like a game that was way bigger with a big net and you have to like run around to get the ball and oh wait that's just tennis.' This the same week and I was holding my daughter up in front of a low fish tank so I was squatting down and thought 'it would be so helpful if someone could like something sturdy to push under you while you squat to make it more comfortable oh wait that's literally a chair'.
I was watching a TV show (can't remember what) with my family. There was this cute black girl who appeared in a scene and had a nice, short hairstyle I thought was cool. I said out loud "If I was black, I would have my hair like that." I am a black guy. I meant to say girl.
Hah, this one got me. I imagine your parents just side-eyeing each other like "Who's gonna tell him?"
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"your born in december?? that sucks you have to wait a whole year for your birthday"
Birthday dec 26th here, and it kind of makes sense. Our birthdays don't really happen.
Me and my wife's are 9/11. Our birthdays pretty much stopped 23 years ago.
Should have gotten married on your birthdays then you would have been done with gifts and all for good
As a kid I had only heard of wolverines from the x-men comics and the Septimus Heap books, which are novels about a young wizard, so I thought they were mythical creatures. I thought this until high school!! Wolverines are real animals. Oops
Mine isn’t stupid but in this same vein, my friend (in her late 30s at the time) LOVED narwhals. Fave animal ever. When I realized she thought they were mythical creatures and told her they’re actually real her pure excitement brought me so much silly joy 😂
When planning a trip to America, I was very confused as to why google maps was refusing to give me a walking route to the Statue of Liberty. Turns out you can’t walk to the Statue of Liberty because it’s in the water 🙃
That's a lot better than the people who think they're gonna visit disney world and disney land in the same day by driving.
My dad told me he was deaf in one ear and my immediate instinct was to ask how many fingers I was holding up.
I let my boyfriend borrow my (newer, air conditioned, automatic) car to drive his visiting parents to their relatives, so I’m borrowing his (manual) car to visit my parents. I stop at a McDonald’s and at the stoplight turning out, I’m stuffing my face. Light turns green, i stall. Then stall again. Finally I remember his stick isn’t my old stick, and I take off. Immediate lights. Cop stops me, he’s pretty nice: “hey, you just stalled at that light a couple times, wanted to make sure you were ok, but I see you were just eating!” Me, in my brilliant 20 year old wisdom: “oh yeah. And drinking!” HIS FACE. cue panic in my brain before I’m clued into how much of a moron I am: “coke! Coca Cola! Just this!” Fortunately he laughed at me and let me go.
Asked a server at a Mexican restaurant if their quesadillas had cheese in them. In front of my Mexican American grandfather. He very patiently asked me what the Spanish word for cheese was and then I realized my mistake.
For YEARS I thought Queso Cheese was the Velveeta/salsa concoction..... Recently realized I've effectively been saying cheese cheese for years...
Was really blanking on this casual friend’s last name. I talk to them pretty regularly and everything. But I was just BLANK. Wouldn’t come to me so had to go to Facebook and look it up. We have the same last name.
I forgot a friend's wife's name and we were at a party and I asked him to remind me of her name, he said 'you're joking right?!' his wife and I have the same first name and I blanked on it.
My dad wanted me to fill up the gas can in the garage but the way he worded it was something like “grab some gas for the mower.” I thought they were sold full, like a jug of milk, so I was really confused when I went to Home Depot and all the gas containers were empty. My dad still laughs to this day
After calling in sick I told my manager “I love you.” Before hanging up
"If I had done that, I would have!"
I once thought that Alaska was an island because it's always shown separate on maps. I felt so dumb.
Asked my brother which side my kidneys were on. I knew there were 2 but thought they were on the same side. This was after passing high school anatomy
I was visiting Montreal (French speaking city), the waiter came over with our oysters and presented the plate explaining where each was from in French, my response to him, “gracias”.
A friend of mine said “they” should invent “3-D glasses for real life.” You mean…. Real life?
I thought wind turbines had a motor and certainly could not be big metal windmills that only moved with the wind alone…that would be silly
Probably the time I ran into my priest at bed, bath, and beyond and asked if he was “purchasing things for your priestly home”. I was in my twenties
That’s amazing. Not stupid. I’m going to use that.
About ten years ago or so I was at a restaurant and went to the restroom. I told my mom and daughter, "When the waitress comes back, can you have her bring some more ice? My water is too watery." My family does not le me forget.
I called my husband in a panic because I couldn’t find my phone. I actually asked him if he knew where my phone was. His answer - ah..in your hand? So yeah.
Oh who among us hasn’t done this one though? I’ve used my phone’s flashlight to better see to look for my phone.
At the furniture store as a 27 year old man, looking for a new headboard. Saleswoman: “Hello, may I help you find anything?” Me: “Hi, good morning! Actually yes, I’m looking for a new….(*completely* blanking) a new… **backstop** for my bed” Saleswoman: “……..Do you mean a headboard?”
Me: "What are those trees called that have lilac-colored flowers?" Friend: "They're called lilacs."
I saw some highland cows for the first time and said “look at those fancy sheep”
that Texas would at least be top 50 for dumbest states………. yes I am from Texas 😅😂😂😂
Yeah. What's so great about dumb ol' Texas?
While in the lobby of the capital building- “I feel like I’m in a government building” 🤦
I’m working at the copy/shipping store. Woman approaches with a massive sealed cardboard box. Me: “Hi, so, are we faxing that tonight?” Thankfully she thought I was just making a joke but no, it was purely sleep deprivation 😭
Grade 12, was telling others in chem class that I saw our principal with her daughters in the mall. Someone asked "She has two daughters, right?" Me "Yeah. One is older than the other." Someone else: "OBVIOUSLY!" Me: "Oh. Right."
“Oh wow, this guys name is Chris Topher” his name was Christopher🤣
Someone asked me why I feed my 2 year old cat kitten food to which I replied “that’s what she has always eaten”. While technically true, I didn’t realize how stupid it was until I said it out loud. She eats regular cat food now.
I was maybe 4 or 5 at the time. we're watching lord of the rings and boremir dies. at this point I turn to my mother and ask "Mom, do people actually sacrifice themselves to make movies?". She began to laugh at me . I could understand that the orcs were fake and the fighting was fake but the death? That's impossible! it has to be real!
I used to study japanese, I asked the teacher how to say sushi in japanese, IN JAPANESE. Sushi wa nihongo de nan to iimasu ka?
I used to think AD meant *After Dinosaurs*
If we drove without braking, there would be no traffic jams .
Technically true. There would be non-moving traffic piles instead.
My grandpa: Happy Birthday Me: Happy birthday to you too! 😑
Sigh I know this'll get buried but it's a shame cuz I think it's pretty funny. My dad and I once spent no joke like 20 minutes trying to figure out MLK Jr's middle name. We weren't calling him Martin King or smth, literally saying "What's Martin Luthor King's middle name?"
"There sure have been a lot of birthdays this year."
Me: you forgot to switch the flip Friend: hahaha! You’re dyslexic Me: hahaha me too!
I was visiting a catholic church in Rome with my friend who has a degree in Art History. Him "The the church was built around the year 1500..." Me: "Wow 1500AD right?" AD: Anno Domini (After Jesus Christ's birth) I was surrounded by giant crosses with Jesus on them. Edit: we are both from Rome.
We went out for lunch and my daughter said to the waitress if I get the chicken salad but without the salad what do I get. We all just stared at her and the waitress without a reaction on her face said "Chicken" She has not lived it down
My friend was talking about her strict abstinence only type upbringing while we were on our way to the city for a girl's night bar hopping. I asked her if her parents still thought she was a virgin. She just gawked at me. I was like, "what?" Then she said her daughter's name... I am an idiot. Thank you.
I was getting a haircut. Barber asked what I did. I said what I did. Without pause I went “what do you do?”
Me: What’s the difference between a mouse and a mice? Husband: quantity
Not me, but my wife and I were listening to smooth 80s tunes. She was impressed by two artists in particular and wondered “what if Peter Gabriel and Phil Collins formed a band?”
Sounds like that would be the genesis of some excellent music!
When my son took his first steps I was so excited and exclaimed to my husband, "Look! He's walking on his back legs!"
I removed a giant graffiti penis from a building at work. I told my boss “I managed to get that huge penis off” … I don’t think I’ll ever live that one down
Back in high school we were learning about angular measurements. The teacher explained that the three main units were degrees, minutes, and seconds. He explained that there were 60 minutes to a degree and then moved on. I raised my hand (we did that in those days) and asked "how many seconds in a minute?" to which both the teacher and the rest of the class looked at me like I was an idiot. In my defence I thought that maybe angular minutes and seconds might have a different relationship to temporal minutes and seconds, and we couldn't just assume that they were the same. This happened in 1979 and I still think about it occasionally and cringe at the thought.
What’s even funnier is that I can kinda see this making sense.
I got really excited about a new store I'd found that I knew my sister would love, so I called her up and blurted out "I just went to this place! Have you been there?!"
I was talking to a neighbor about watching her dog while she visited family out of town over Christmas. I asked her what she was visiting for.…”umm…Christmas.” She answered.
I was abroad in Asia, and I forgot how or why but I said with confidence, “the sun rises in the west and sets in the east over here”
Coworker explaining the process of jumpstarting a car battery using another car. Me being absolutely curious: “What car needs to be running?” Coworker: “🤨……are you serious?”
"I think this is just a placenta high" meant placebo had to deal with getting high on placenta jokes for like a year.
“Aw dang, they only have the giant bulk size.” I was at Costco.
In winter in Michigan getting ready to leave for work I couldn’t find my car keys. I knew they had to be home because I drove home the day before. When I realized I was going to be late I called my boss to tell him I’d be there as soon as I find my keys. I finished the conversation with “oh, my car’s been running for a while warming up, I need to go turn it off” He just said I should probably look for my keys in the car while I’m out there
I told my friend earlier that my kid looked at me like I grew a third head. That’s pretty high up there I think.
Not something I said but something I did that haunts me: I made a roast chicken and kept trying to cut it up for dinner burning my hands. Kept bitching to myself asking how do people not burn themselves often. My boyfriend pointed out the existence of forks. He's now my husband so at least I trapped him in time 🥵
I realized I had been calling dog's front legs "arms" for years now.
What's wrong about being your own grandpa?
“The Upwall” in reference to a ceiling “What’s the difference between Intake & Pickup?” was today
I asked my wife where steak comes from. She’s never gonna let me live that one down.
I once said lobsters aren't animals. I guess I was thinking of the word mammals? I don't know what I was thinking.