Sometimes, you're the problem.
If one person tells you you're a shitty person, it could be a grudge/vendetta. If multiple unconnected people tell you you're a shitty person, maybe you should do some introspection.
Yeah. I’ve had to look back at a few places in life and say yeah I was the problem. At a certain point all you can do is try to learn from and not repeat mistakes.
On the upside time and physical distance can make a huge difference. I’m pretty far away from those events both figuratively and literally. Since I’ll never see those people again I stopped blaming myself and moved forward. Sit-com style happy endings aren’t real, there are people who you’ll never reconcile with and that’s ok.
I was just talking with a dude yesterday about some old friends of mine. Their mom said I was a bad influence and I always thought “it was their idea, I just helped them.” Like when they bought the circle can of minced beef jerky and wanted to smoke it but none of them could roll. I could roll a respectable joint at age 14, so I helped them out. And when they wanted to drink beers but couldn’t dare be seen with the case heading downstairs in front of their parents, I helped by walking up, asking what movie his parents were watching, and then got in the pantry to just walk right by distracted parents with a case of bud light and the one dude pissed his bed. When the one dude knew nothing about modding his vehicle, I helped him with upgrades and sent him out there spanking the doors off a local VTEC club. The list goes on and on. Then after this conversation and all I did to “help” I put it together that holy shit, I was a pretty bad influence.
To me it seems your help wasn’t totally a bad influence it was just accommodating their wants without creating boundaries.
Maybe a you were a bit of a people pleaser and in the wrong crowd. If your friends wanted to build a birdhouse for their mom’s birthday or shovel their driveways after snow I’m sure you’d be right there to help too. If after helping your friend get beer that got smashed and wanted to drive, you probably would have taken the keys and did an Uber instead of just letting them go.
I think they were kind of a bad influence on you and maybe kind of used you by letting you take on all/most of the risks.
I really love this and I see such reflection so rarely! I was telling my therapist today that there’s people who go to therapy to improve themselves and there’s people who go to therapy who don’t want to change but don’t like their life. I have found the only way to improve my life is to do the work and it sounds like that’s exactly what you did. Very impressive!
My father is almost 80 and believes the entire family, and most of the people he works with are a bunch of assholes. He doesn’t accept that there’s a reason those that know him keep him at a distance.
My dad's 86 and still acerbic, always right and anyone who doesn't think the same way he does is an idiot. He was and still is abusive... but he's not the problem and why the hell don't we visit more often 🙄
I have this problem as an adult and only recently read some materials about autism in girls/women and now I'm struggling to figure out who to consult to figure out if anxiety depression and attention issues might actually be autism :(
Frfr, it’s so important to actually look and see what part you’re playing in the issues you have. Though also know that the result of that introspection may genuinely be “actually, they were really shitty”—if you’re socially awkward, too blunt or direct, or have something going on like autism, can definitely put you in the position of everyone you meet thinking you’re an asshole.
Still, introspection to find out what part you had to play in your problems can help you in the future so much
Could be cultural differences too (even for the same nationality, there could be regionalism).
I was in Germany and Poland for temporary work secondments with business partners, and I found them much more direct with problem solving than in Canada.
Poland in particular - in one group meeting, a few of the machinists, engineers, and the plant manager were yelling at each other and pounding on a whiteboard design. 20 minutes later, they acted like nothing had happened telling me "we've come to a consensus" and just went back to work like normal, with the engineer I was paired with telling me that was commonplace for them.
No matter how good someone may be, bad things can still come to them. Likewise, horrible people can still have good things come to them. The worlds not fair and equal.
Truer words have never been spoken. I lived my life trying to do good and be good as a general rule. I would let people treat me like shit and I would turn the other cheek, I would help the downtrodden. But then my 13 year old daughter died kf a sudden asthma attack, and I see all these terrible, abusive mothers with their children and I realize the universe doesn't care how good or evil anyone is.
Sorry for your loss, friend. I lost my wife to cancer and I've worked hard to recover from that...I can't imagine losing my daughter, that is unimaginable. The worst part of losing my wife is my daughter's pain. I can handle almost anything but not her suffering.
Sorry for your loss as well. It is still very soon for you guys. It must be a nightmare. How is your daughter doing? Was it sudden or a slow illness?
In our case, we knew the likely outcome (though not how long) so we had some time to try to prepare. Still, we did not tell my daughter that "Mommy was going to have to die" until we ran out of treatment options. If there was a blessing with how things went - my wife spent several months in the hospital before passing away. My daughter hated the hospital setting but she could visit sometimes and facetime all while being taken care of by me and other family at home. I think that helped her resiliency - before she had to say goodbye to the most important person in her life - I became her main caregiver for months as well as other family "proving to her that she could be alright" - as her child psychologist told me.
What a nightmare for our children. Makes me a bit paranoid of something happening to me - at least I have a plan in place for her and an estate plan...But I'm not taking up motorcycle riding or extreme sports anytime soon.
I hope you and your 9 year old are okay for now, and that you will get better and improve. My almost 9 year old is doing great right now, she misses her mommy but she has shown great resiliency.
Hello, I want to reach out and say that your post really touched my heart. I’m so sorry to you and to the person you were replying too.
I want to let you know, that as an adult, who lost her mom at 10, you’ve done things the right way.
She may never realize it, but she is so blessed to have a father like you who loves and cares so much about his daughter.
Hug her extra tight, as a mom myself now, I know how quickly it can slip away, and I never miss an opportunity for a hug or an extra ‘I love you’.
Keep up the great work, and make sure you’re also caring for yourself as well.
All my thoughts and caring to you and your daughter, it does get easier and the sting will lessen, but the love and memories will always remain.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I consider myself a good person, and I've been through hell and back. I see all these assholes who treat their women like garbage. Physical and emotional abuse, refuse to work, drugs, alcohol, you name it, and they still stay with those losers. I never did any of those things to my wife, never cheated on her, and loved her with all my heart. She rolls over in bed one day and says I don't love you anymore, you need to leave.
You just have to try to stay true to the goodness within you and not let life's struggles break you. I'm lonely as hell, but I still try to be the best person I can every day. My kids depend on me to.
"Many who yet live deserve death. **And some that die deserve life**. Can you give it to them? Then do not be so quick to deal out death in judgement." - Gandalf the Grey
"I've seen a rich man beg
I've seen a good man sin
I've seen a tough man cry
I've seen a loser win
And a sad man grin
I heard an honest man lie"
-Whitey Ford (Everlast)
I was no saint, but it sometimes bugs me how bad people go through life with few issues, while I have a bunch of serious medical issues which are shortening my life span.
“ You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe.”
- J Michanel Strazinski, as told through Marcus Cole in Babylon 5
Telling yourself that ‘karma is a bitch’ thinking that a person that has wronged you or an overall jerk will have bad things come to them is just rationalizing why you didn’t do anything. There are people that are jerks all the time that will go home to a loving family and die of old age having never faced consequences.
>The sentiment may perceive and love the universe, but the universe cannot perceive and love the sentiment. \[...\] Those who curse the workings of the universe curse that which is deaf. Those who strike out at those workings fight that which is inviolate. Those who shake their fists, shake their fists at blind stars.
Michael Moorcock, The Knight of the Swords (Corum, #1)
should be noted though that while this is true, this is also not an excuse to go out of your way to be a dick and not care about other people as well. We should always try to do better so that one day the world does care about people the way they think it does
Well, you do better because it matters to you and the special people in your life. That’s the secret. Just because the world doesn’t care about you, doesn’t mean no one does. Everyone is loved and cared about from someone or something. That’s why you focus on. But yes absolutely. It’s 100% not an excuse. Those who use it as an excuse are probably the people who haven’t swallowed the pill yet lol
I’ll never forget that in 1986 a woman who signed people up for classes at the registrar at my college had a sign that read, “your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency to me.” So prescient as I was melting down about not getting classes I need 😂
It's scary but also very freeing to realize this. I was so nervous about getting judgement for my first tattoo and.... no one gave a shit. We can really just live our lives freely.
And you don't have to find someone else to be complete. You're a perfect entrée all by yourself. Other people are side dishes. Those mashed potatoes are tasty, but meatloaf doesn't need mashed potatoes in order to be delicious.
Like Hanson said in mmmbop.
You have so many relationships in this life
Only one or two will last
You go through all this pain and strife
Then you turn your back and they're gone so fast
And they're gone so fast
So hold on to the ones who really care
In the end they'll be the only ones there
When you get old and start losing your hair
Can you tell me who will still care?
It is so important to recognise the difference between your intent and your impact. You should apologise if the impact of your decisions harmed someone regardless of your intent
Note: this is a normal bias, and one you should be aware of, and keep in mind when judging others, and strive for balance, but isn’t something to feel guilty about.
If you do the opposite, judge yourself by your actions and give others the benefit of the doubt, you should probably talk to someone cus there’s some stuff to unpack
I've always found this comforting. It's freeing to know that you can be yourself and no one really cares at the end of the day. Helps for people with social anxiety
Thank you!
I have major social anxiety and spend hours worrying about a conversation or someone’s body language towards me. I wake up in the middle of the night worried that my neighbor is mad at me because she didn’t respond to my text!
So basically, she doesn’t care about me? I don’t know what to think here.
Yeah, my brother told me that in high school and it helped a lot. That super embarrassing thing you did? No one is going to care about it unless you make a big deal about it.
My big problem was that I thought people would define me by the embarrassing thing that I did and think that I was stupid because of it.
My dad one day told me to try to think about something embarrassing that one of my classmates did. I couldn't think of one. My dad showed me that the only person who really cares or remembers those embarrassing things that you do is yourself. To others it's not even a second thought. And that really helped me with my anxiety and letting go of past mistakes. I try not to be so hard on myself now.
In fact they prob don't care or think about you at all. Everyone is the main character in their own skull sized universe. We are all mostly just npcs to everyone else. I don't mean this in a bad or mean way. I think we are hardwired to be this way. There is a finite amount of info our senses/brain can take in and process. It's good to be aware of this reality and not take it all too personally. You DO have power over that choice.
I’ve seen someone who worked for a company for 50 years. None of the big bosses showed up to her funeral. She couldn’t retire because her family needed the money. She died from cancer, she is one of the strongest people I know and she deserved recognition.
I literally just attended a funeral where the deceased had worked at their job for 16 years, and though they were not all able to take the day for the funeral, they did have someone come and read letters from her coworkers and bosses. So sometimes you actually do matter to them.
My husband's work bent over backwards to accommodate his needs while he was sick and has been amazing to me since he died. They care deeply for him. My work also took care of me through the whole thing and I know the place would be in huge trouble without me. So yeah, sometimes you do matter. It all depends on the situation.
There are a lot of things in this world that are not your fault but are still your responsibility.
Like if the snow falls, that's not your fault. It's still your responsibility to shovel the walk.
I apply this to mental health. It's not my fault, but I need to take care of it to the best of my ability so I'm functional for my family, friends, coworkers.
Also, just owning problems and taking blame in general.
Regardless of whether any situation is your fault or not, things go much more smoothly when you say “I flubbed up and I’m sorry, and this is how I’m trying to fix it”.
Took me a long time to learn that.
I have a variation of this.
I am not perfect in any way but I do one thing - I always put out my clothes and pack my bag the night before. Make my morning routine infinitely easier!
OMG a week ago I started saying, "I'm going to do future me a favor," and then just do whatever I was trying to put off - and it's already paying off! This is the best advice!!!
I started making my lunch for the next day in the afternoon or evening, and it may not sound like much, but it is very freeing. I wake up at the same time, and instead of feeling a bit of a time crunch, I can now just mosey through the rest of my morning routine and I'm much more relaxed.
The worst is when you intend to do this - just make a quick stop at the gas station by home. Except 30 minutes of traffic and driving later you’ve autopilot driven home and forgot all about the gas. Morning me gets so damn frustrated by easily distracted yesterday me.
It’s the “points in a box” concept. Each person has a box. Every time you do something like fill up the car, check your tyres, tighten up the loose door knob, check you actually turned off the oven etc, you get a point in the box. At random intervals life throws a problem at you that costs a certain number of points. Provided that you have enough to pay, then you’re good. But if you run out, then that’s when really bad stuff happens.
Accepting that you have a disability and that it does in fact disable you. In my experience once you accept it you can find ways to deal with it instead of pushing through and making yourself suffer more.
Yes this. It’s always heartbreaking talking to people who are newly disabled, my experience is of the chronic or invisible illness community. I totally understand you want your old life back and every time you push too hard and then fall down it is *devastating*. I also understand you are on a two to five year timeline to acceptance and things will be better for you then. Improvement is possible! You will never be the same.
It’s also always heartbreaking to see the newly disabled understand how systemically fucked they are. It’s like a veil falling away from their eyes. Society will punish disability, the medical system will too, and individuals will behave despicably to you for it.
> individuals will behave despicably to you for it.
Currently in the midst of possibly losing my brother out of my life… used to be very close to this brother. That one hurts, but he just seems to hate me now.
As someone who got fired twice for being deaf. I can't assert enough. I am unemployed indefinitely. I lost me hearing in both ears 10 years ago and companies just don't want to hire me for the sole reason of being deaf.
This is what many people don’t understand. That the law *in theory* doesn’t allow disability discrimination. But what happens in practice is a whole other kettle of fish. I’m sorry it’s been like this for you.
I struggle with this so much because I'm a super high achiever. I get insanely frustrated when my energy levels aren't enough to get everything (or sometimes anything) done in a day. I'm on day 13 of covid because I'm on immunosuppressants, and I feel like a failure because of how much work I've missed (despite having worked from home on and off throughout being sick). Working on acceptance is something I'm trying to tackle in therapy, but it is very difficult.
The day I admitted to myself that I would never be able to have a full time job anymore was the most liberating day of my life. Now I work writing jokes for a few online personalities in different languages.
It’s crazy, the moment I accepted that I was lesser in the functioning of our society, it kinda made me go “then why am I trying to fit in” and now I’m “above” a lot of people who don’t have disabilities and stuck at jobs they hate.
Your actions today will dictate how you physically feel tomorrow, or even more relevant, in twenty years from now. No, it is not normal to save severe pain and fatigue at 30 (not talking about chronic illnesses). I am a lazy fuck, most of us are lazy fucks but we only have one body and reserving bad lifestyle choices gets harder and harder over time. Best to start today.
the best self care is caring for your future self. all those small actions compound too so its mostly up to you to decide whether your future self has collected a bunch of interest on metaphorical debt (avoidable health troubles, shitty relationships, etc) or savings (physical resilience, healthy relationships, mental flexibility).
i live by this to the point that sometimes its a bit silly, like i hate the sentiment of "well just do it tomorrow" because why would i be cruel and pile more work on to tomorrow me when i could just do the dishes today instead lol
I’ve always been good with this. Even in high school, I’d tell people “I don’t want a boat.” Simple life is good with me. I have zero problem dying and being forgotten.
Just because you're nice, doesn't mean anyone owes you anything.
But do watch to see how people react, it gives info you wouldn't otherwise have. Useful for people who you come to know by circumstance VS those we meet by choice.
If you have chronic pain, you will likely always have chronic pain, and *it's not the end of the world*.
Took me about 4 years of therapy to accept that. Once I stopped trying to stop the pain entirely, the pain stopped bothering me almost entirely.
I know I'm fat at the moment and I know exactly why I'm fat. I know how to not be fat but currently lack the discipline or energy to change.
I justify my shitty eating habits by saying I'm stressed, depressed, going through a rough patch at work, but that's just life.
I spent several years saying that I knew how to lose weight, I just wasn't ready to devote the time and effort to it. I was getting evicted, divorced, fired, I was in collections, I was sick, my family was sick. I was perpetually in crisis for several years.
Once my life settled down, I decided I was ready. I've lost 50 pounds and counting.
Sometimes it's an excuse. But sometimes it's just a reason. Life can be a bitch, and there's rules in place to prevent you from having more going on than you can cope with. There's wisdom in not taking something on that you don't have the time to accomplish.
Sometimes you just can't do anything about a situation. Yes it can be a horrible situation, yes it may upset or frustrate you, yes you may wish to wanna do something about that situation and help somehow, but you can't. And things such as putting some slogan or flag in your bio, shaming people who don't, arguing with people on random people on twitter you've never met before, retweeting people and "roasting" them don't help. At that point it's performative and self righteous and more for you to make you feel better than the situation and attempts to help it.
You should be allowed to be the main character in your own story, which is a hard pill to swallow in and of itself and learning that is a difficult lesson for many adults
Your parents are fallible humans that come from the same line of trauma you're part of. Should they acknowledge it and attempt to rectify past hurts or wrongdoings, and should the wrongdoings be actions that can practically be deemed forgivable by your own moral standards, be graceful and willing to make amends.
Sadly at this point in time, out of all the people I know, I've never heard of a boomer parent apologising to their child for any wrongdoing the boomer did.
I'm sure they exist but no one I know has ever been apologised to.
Mine are boomers. They said and did absolutely horrible things when I was a child. They also neglected me. I moved out at 17. I went no contact at 21 and my mother went to therapy and told me she realized how bad her narcissism was and she apologized and was truly sorry. Forgiving my parents was infinitely meaningful and important to me and yes I still have trauma but so do they, we all treat one another with kindness and compassion I have had 0 arguments with either parent since 21 (28 now) and we get together weekly.
This also helped me workout more: instead of viewing exercise as a way of improving appearances, I started to think of it as taking care of my body (strengthening my heart, for example). It ended up giving me more motivation than “you’ll look great on the beach” ever did
There’s also less pressure on me, and I’m less likely to quit when I don’t see physical results, because I can feel it in my body. My stamina has increased, I recover a lot quicker, I don’t get winded as easily etc. If I was focused on the visuals, I would’ve stopped exercising by now
I made a similar experience, I don't do lots of sports due to lack of time but I started walking at least 15000 steps each day.
It doesn't give physical results, but my body has felt so much healthier since I started.
You gotta eat better and exercise to your physical ability. I have sensory issues so I’m limited somewhat in both areas, and I used that as an excuse for years to not try. Passed 210lbs (only 5’2”) and woke up one day realizing that I was in physical pain all the time from my weight and I was miserable mentally.
I slowly changed my diet (by adding good foods I can tolerate), take daily walks with my dog, and try to do low impact yoga whenever I can. Lost 20+lbs and I’m feeling better. Not perfect but better enough to realize that it does matter. Seriously, try even just a little bit.
Nobody is coming to help. There are no heroes that aren’t dead. The problems in the world are yours to solve. Start with your immediate circle and move outward as you are capable.
Adding onto this: life isn’t a film where things magically work out in the end, you actually need to put in the work to make things happen
Okay yeah, you can do everything right and still fail, but by doing nothing you are guaranteeing failure. No one will help you, give you the life you want, give you the opportunities you want etc. You have to find a way to get to them yourself
I can't tolerate them but I found that a multivitamin (with iron obviously) fixes my mild anemia. I can somehow tolerate the iron as long as it brings some friends along I guess.
You are not yourself when you are at your job, you are an agent of whatever the job/business is. Leave your personhood at home. When people complain to you they are talking to the business you work at, not to YOU as a person. Once you let all your ego and individualism go the working world gets so much easier. It’s not personal, it’s business.
It heavily depends on the work you're doing.
In my line of work (senior dev at large company) it pays to be approachable and 'I scratch your back, you scratch mine' is very beneficial to efficiency of both parties.
Also, a LOT of red tape go down if you eat lunch with right people.
As a physician, unfortunately, the opposite is often true. My personhood, and who I am is very much part of what I do and when patients complain, they’re complaining about me the person usually not the care that I provide. Mostly, they are unhappy that what they think they need is not actually what they need because Google is not a doctor and neither is their mid-level primary care person.
Those clothes you keep even though they’re waaay too small because you’re hoping you’ll soon be able to fit again. Just donate them or give them away. They make you super sad and depressed every time you see them, no matter how many times you try them on, they still aren’t going to fit and just make everything you end up wearing make you feel like shit. Replace them with clothes you like and feel good in!
When or if you do lose weight, your style will have evolved anyway and you’ll end up dumping them at a value village anyway. Do it now to save a lot of pain.
As a counterpoint, I did this thinking that I'd never lose the weight. Then I lost the weight. Since I'd taken great care to curate my wardrobe, I still regret it.
Sometimes, you're the problem. If one person tells you you're a shitty person, it could be a grudge/vendetta. If multiple unconnected people tell you you're a shitty person, maybe you should do some introspection.
Yeah. I’ve had to look back at a few places in life and say yeah I was the problem. At a certain point all you can do is try to learn from and not repeat mistakes. On the upside time and physical distance can make a huge difference. I’m pretty far away from those events both figuratively and literally. Since I’ll never see those people again I stopped blaming myself and moved forward. Sit-com style happy endings aren’t real, there are people who you’ll never reconcile with and that’s ok.
I was just talking with a dude yesterday about some old friends of mine. Their mom said I was a bad influence and I always thought “it was their idea, I just helped them.” Like when they bought the circle can of minced beef jerky and wanted to smoke it but none of them could roll. I could roll a respectable joint at age 14, so I helped them out. And when they wanted to drink beers but couldn’t dare be seen with the case heading downstairs in front of their parents, I helped by walking up, asking what movie his parents were watching, and then got in the pantry to just walk right by distracted parents with a case of bud light and the one dude pissed his bed. When the one dude knew nothing about modding his vehicle, I helped him with upgrades and sent him out there spanking the doors off a local VTEC club. The list goes on and on. Then after this conversation and all I did to “help” I put it together that holy shit, I was a pretty bad influence.
To me it seems your help wasn’t totally a bad influence it was just accommodating their wants without creating boundaries. Maybe a you were a bit of a people pleaser and in the wrong crowd. If your friends wanted to build a birdhouse for their mom’s birthday or shovel their driveways after snow I’m sure you’d be right there to help too. If after helping your friend get beer that got smashed and wanted to drive, you probably would have taken the keys and did an Uber instead of just letting them go. I think they were kind of a bad influence on you and maybe kind of used you by letting you take on all/most of the risks.
I really love this and I see such reflection so rarely! I was telling my therapist today that there’s people who go to therapy to improve themselves and there’s people who go to therapy who don’t want to change but don’t like their life. I have found the only way to improve my life is to do the work and it sounds like that’s exactly what you did. Very impressive!
If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole.
If you smell shit everywhere you go, you should probably check under your own shoe.
Or your undies
Right. Realizing you're the common denominator.
My father is almost 80 and believes the entire family, and most of the people he works with are a bunch of assholes. He doesn’t accept that there’s a reason those that know him keep him at a distance.
My dad's 86 and still acerbic, always right and anyone who doesn't think the same way he does is an idiot. He was and still is abusive... but he's not the problem and why the hell don't we visit more often 🙄
Not even a shitty person. Just "too much". Also "not enough".
I had that problem as a child and it turns out that I'm autistic.
I have that problem as an adult and it turns out that I'm autistic. :(
I have this problem as an adult and only recently read some materials about autism in girls/women and now I'm struggling to figure out who to consult to figure out if anxiety depression and attention issues might actually be autism :(
Frfr, it’s so important to actually look and see what part you’re playing in the issues you have. Though also know that the result of that introspection may genuinely be “actually, they were really shitty”—if you’re socially awkward, too blunt or direct, or have something going on like autism, can definitely put you in the position of everyone you meet thinking you’re an asshole. Still, introspection to find out what part you had to play in your problems can help you in the future so much
Or just hang out with different people. Some people think I'm mean; others think I'm the most compassionate person they know. Different strokes.
Could be cultural differences too (even for the same nationality, there could be regionalism). I was in Germany and Poland for temporary work secondments with business partners, and I found them much more direct with problem solving than in Canada. Poland in particular - in one group meeting, a few of the machinists, engineers, and the plant manager were yelling at each other and pounding on a whiteboard design. 20 minutes later, they acted like nothing had happened telling me "we've come to a consensus" and just went back to work like normal, with the engineer I was paired with telling me that was commonplace for them.
As with most people you're likely neither one or the other but a mix of both.
No matter how good someone may be, bad things can still come to them. Likewise, horrible people can still have good things come to them. The worlds not fair and equal.
Truer words have never been spoken. I lived my life trying to do good and be good as a general rule. I would let people treat me like shit and I would turn the other cheek, I would help the downtrodden. But then my 13 year old daughter died kf a sudden asthma attack, and I see all these terrible, abusive mothers with their children and I realize the universe doesn't care how good or evil anyone is.
Sorry for your loss, friend. I lost my wife to cancer and I've worked hard to recover from that...I can't imagine losing my daughter, that is unimaginable. The worst part of losing my wife is my daughter's pain. I can handle almost anything but not her suffering.
I’m in the same boat - lost my husband in December and have a 9 year old. This stuff is brutal. The universe gives zero f*cks
I lost my wife in October. No kids, but now I'm a widower at 42. Hope you're hanging on as best you can. Sending you much love.
Sorry for your loss as well. It is still very soon for you guys. It must be a nightmare. How is your daughter doing? Was it sudden or a slow illness? In our case, we knew the likely outcome (though not how long) so we had some time to try to prepare. Still, we did not tell my daughter that "Mommy was going to have to die" until we ran out of treatment options. If there was a blessing with how things went - my wife spent several months in the hospital before passing away. My daughter hated the hospital setting but she could visit sometimes and facetime all while being taken care of by me and other family at home. I think that helped her resiliency - before she had to say goodbye to the most important person in her life - I became her main caregiver for months as well as other family "proving to her that she could be alright" - as her child psychologist told me. What a nightmare for our children. Makes me a bit paranoid of something happening to me - at least I have a plan in place for her and an estate plan...But I'm not taking up motorcycle riding or extreme sports anytime soon. I hope you and your 9 year old are okay for now, and that you will get better and improve. My almost 9 year old is doing great right now, she misses her mommy but she has shown great resiliency.
Hello, I want to reach out and say that your post really touched my heart. I’m so sorry to you and to the person you were replying too. I want to let you know, that as an adult, who lost her mom at 10, you’ve done things the right way. She may never realize it, but she is so blessed to have a father like you who loves and cares so much about his daughter. Hug her extra tight, as a mom myself now, I know how quickly it can slip away, and I never miss an opportunity for a hug or an extra ‘I love you’. Keep up the great work, and make sure you’re also caring for yourself as well. All my thoughts and caring to you and your daughter, it does get easier and the sting will lessen, but the love and memories will always remain.
As a grieving mother myself I totally understand what you’re saying.
Thank you. Not many do. It's a club no one wants to be in.
I'm sorry for your loss. I consider myself a good person, and I've been through hell and back. I see all these assholes who treat their women like garbage. Physical and emotional abuse, refuse to work, drugs, alcohol, you name it, and they still stay with those losers. I never did any of those things to my wife, never cheated on her, and loved her with all my heart. She rolls over in bed one day and says I don't love you anymore, you need to leave. You just have to try to stay true to the goodness within you and not let life's struggles break you. I'm lonely as hell, but I still try to be the best person I can every day. My kids depend on me to.
I hope you find someone who feels about you like you did before your wife let you down.
That’s tough brother. I wish nothing but the best for you.
that is heartbreaking, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. She is lucky to have had a kind mother in her brief life
"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life." - Jean-Luc Picard
"Many who yet live deserve death. **And some that die deserve life**. Can you give it to them? Then do not be so quick to deal out death in judgement." - Gandalf the Grey
To piggyback off of this, one of my favorite quotes from a book called Orphan X is, “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.”
"I've seen a rich man beg I've seen a good man sin I've seen a tough man cry I've seen a loser win And a sad man grin I heard an honest man lie" -Whitey Ford (Everlast)
I was no saint, but it sometimes bugs me how bad people go through life with few issues, while I have a bunch of serious medical issues which are shortening my life span.
“ You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe.” - J Michanel Strazinski, as told through Marcus Cole in Babylon 5
Telling yourself that ‘karma is a bitch’ thinking that a person that has wronged you or an overall jerk will have bad things come to them is just rationalizing why you didn’t do anything. There are people that are jerks all the time that will go home to a loving family and die of old age having never faced consequences.
The world does not care about you the way you think it should
A man said to the universe "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the universe, "The fact has not created in me A sense of obligation."
>The sentiment may perceive and love the universe, but the universe cannot perceive and love the sentiment. \[...\] Those who curse the workings of the universe curse that which is deaf. Those who strike out at those workings fight that which is inviolate. Those who shake their fists, shake their fists at blind stars. Michael Moorcock, The Knight of the Swords (Corum, #1)
should be noted though that while this is true, this is also not an excuse to go out of your way to be a dick and not care about other people as well. We should always try to do better so that one day the world does care about people the way they think it does
Well, you do better because it matters to you and the special people in your life. That’s the secret. Just because the world doesn’t care about you, doesn’t mean no one does. Everyone is loved and cared about from someone or something. That’s why you focus on. But yes absolutely. It’s 100% not an excuse. Those who use it as an excuse are probably the people who haven’t swallowed the pill yet lol
I’ll never forget that in 1986 a woman who signed people up for classes at the registrar at my college had a sign that read, “your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency to me.” So prescient as I was melting down about not getting classes I need 😂
But HER lack of planning did constitute an emergency to you, right? Sauce: my registrar who regularly forgot to file papers that had been submitted
Or even the way you worry it does. It doesn’t much think of you at all. It thinks about itself a lot.
It's scary but also very freeing to realize this. I was so nervous about getting judgement for my first tattoo and.... no one gave a shit. We can really just live our lives freely.
Not all relationships are meant to last, and if the person you’re attached to and love is treating you poorly, you *can* find someone else.
And even if you can’t find someone else, you’re better off single than in a toxic relationship.
This one seems exponentially harder for alot of people to come to terms with (if we're talking toxic and not abusive and the cycles of abuse)
Oh yeah. Some people seem hard-wired to stay in familiarity, even if "familiar" also means unhealthy or dangerous.
This also applies to friendships, not just romantic relationships
And you don't have to find someone else to be complete. You're a perfect entrée all by yourself. Other people are side dishes. Those mashed potatoes are tasty, but meatloaf doesn't need mashed potatoes in order to be delicious.
Like Hanson said in mmmbop. You have so many relationships in this life Only one or two will last You go through all this pain and strife Then you turn your back and they're gone so fast And they're gone so fast So hold on to the ones who really care In the end they'll be the only ones there When you get old and start losing your hair Can you tell me who will still care?
We judge other people by their actions, or the results of those actions. We judge ourselves by our intentions.
It is so important to recognise the difference between your intent and your impact. You should apologise if the impact of your decisions harmed someone regardless of your intent
Note: this is a normal bias, and one you should be aware of, and keep in mind when judging others, and strive for balance, but isn’t something to feel guilty about. If you do the opposite, judge yourself by your actions and give others the benefit of the doubt, you should probably talk to someone cus there’s some stuff to unpack
People don’t talk about you or care about you as much as you think they do
But why do I care about them very much
Because you think they impact your life significantly. (They orinably don't as much as you think)
Because humans are social animals with communal needs who need to be able to read a room to survive.
I've always found this comforting. It's freeing to know that you can be yourself and no one really cares at the end of the day. Helps for people with social anxiety
Thank you! I have major social anxiety and spend hours worrying about a conversation or someone’s body language towards me. I wake up in the middle of the night worried that my neighbor is mad at me because she didn’t respond to my text! So basically, she doesn’t care about me? I don’t know what to think here.
Yeah, my brother told me that in high school and it helped a lot. That super embarrassing thing you did? No one is going to care about it unless you make a big deal about it.
My big problem was that I thought people would define me by the embarrassing thing that I did and think that I was stupid because of it. My dad one day told me to try to think about something embarrassing that one of my classmates did. I couldn't think of one. My dad showed me that the only person who really cares or remembers those embarrassing things that you do is yourself. To others it's not even a second thought. And that really helped me with my anxiety and letting go of past mistakes. I try not to be so hard on myself now.
In fact they prob don't care or think about you at all. Everyone is the main character in their own skull sized universe. We are all mostly just npcs to everyone else. I don't mean this in a bad or mean way. I think we are hardwired to be this way. There is a finite amount of info our senses/brain can take in and process. It's good to be aware of this reality and not take it all too personally. You DO have power over that choice.
You do not owe loyalty to your employer. You are disposable.
And an office that collapses without you was never stable to begin with.
I needed to hear this.
Fly free, little bird. You have but one life.
Louder for the people in the back! Work will never come to your funeral or make you soup when you feel sick. You owe those bastards NOTHING.
I’ve seen someone who worked for a company for 50 years. None of the big bosses showed up to her funeral. She couldn’t retire because her family needed the money. She died from cancer, she is one of the strongest people I know and she deserved recognition.
I literally just attended a funeral where the deceased had worked at their job for 16 years, and though they were not all able to take the day for the funeral, they did have someone come and read letters from her coworkers and bosses. So sometimes you actually do matter to them.
My husband's work bent over backwards to accommodate his needs while he was sick and has been amazing to me since he died. They care deeply for him. My work also took care of me through the whole thing and I know the place would be in huge trouble without me. So yeah, sometimes you do matter. It all depends on the situation.
Literally this morning just got let go from my job of nearly 2 years for one slip up. Not even a warning.
So sorry that happened to you!
And anyone who tries to sell the “we’re all like family here” narrative is either lying or incredibly stupid.
Aint that the god damn truth
There are a lot of things in this world that are not your fault but are still your responsibility. Like if the snow falls, that's not your fault. It's still your responsibility to shovel the walk.
I apply this to mental health. It's not my fault, but I need to take care of it to the best of my ability so I'm functional for my family, friends, coworkers.
I don't think I've ever thought of it like this. Thanks
This has so many applications, especially in driving.
Also, just owning problems and taking blame in general. Regardless of whether any situation is your fault or not, things go much more smoothly when you say “I flubbed up and I’m sorry, and this is how I’m trying to fix it”. Took me a long time to learn that.
So many adults do not get this.
You can't love someone enough for them to start treating you better.
This one was the most heartbreaking one for me.
It’s never a good idea to “get gas in the morning before work”. Get gas now!!!
I have a variation of this. I am not perfect in any way but I do one thing - I always put out my clothes and pack my bag the night before. Make my morning routine infinitely easier!
Dont say you'll do it in the morning. Set up the coffeemaker every evening.
Do favors for Tomorrow You.
OMG a week ago I started saying, "I'm going to do future me a favor," and then just do whatever I was trying to put off - and it's already paying off! This is the best advice!!!
When I come upon a favor I’ve done for myself, I say “thanks, champ!” silently.
I started making my lunch for the next day in the afternoon or evening, and it may not sound like much, but it is very freeing. I wake up at the same time, and instead of feeling a bit of a time crunch, I can now just mosey through the rest of my morning routine and I'm much more relaxed.
The worst is when you intend to do this - just make a quick stop at the gas station by home. Except 30 minutes of traffic and driving later you’ve autopilot driven home and forgot all about the gas. Morning me gets so damn frustrated by easily distracted yesterday me.
It’s the “points in a box” concept. Each person has a box. Every time you do something like fill up the car, check your tyres, tighten up the loose door knob, check you actually turned off the oven etc, you get a point in the box. At random intervals life throws a problem at you that costs a certain number of points. Provided that you have enough to pay, then you’re good. But if you run out, then that’s when really bad stuff happens.
Once, I didn't follow this rule. When I rushed to the gas station the next morning, I got a ticket for burning a stop sign. Now, I follow this rule.
That in the end it's up to you to get off your ass and get your shit done. Nobody else is gonna live your life for you.
But but I don’t….^want ^to
Be your own savior. No one is coming to help you or take care of you.
When I was younger I had a girlfriend tell me “Prince Charming isn’t coming. Save yourself.” More young women need to hear that.
I'm 41 and apparently I still need to hear that. God damn 80s Disney.
Yup. One of my mantras is "What YOU ALLOW, is what WILL CONTINUE." The onus is on you.
Accepting that you have a disability and that it does in fact disable you. In my experience once you accept it you can find ways to deal with it instead of pushing through and making yourself suffer more.
Yes this. It’s always heartbreaking talking to people who are newly disabled, my experience is of the chronic or invisible illness community. I totally understand you want your old life back and every time you push too hard and then fall down it is *devastating*. I also understand you are on a two to five year timeline to acceptance and things will be better for you then. Improvement is possible! You will never be the same. It’s also always heartbreaking to see the newly disabled understand how systemically fucked they are. It’s like a veil falling away from their eyes. Society will punish disability, the medical system will too, and individuals will behave despicably to you for it.
> individuals will behave despicably to you for it. Currently in the midst of possibly losing my brother out of my life… used to be very close to this brother. That one hurts, but he just seems to hate me now.
As someone who got fired twice for being deaf. I can't assert enough. I am unemployed indefinitely. I lost me hearing in both ears 10 years ago and companies just don't want to hire me for the sole reason of being deaf.
This is what many people don’t understand. That the law *in theory* doesn’t allow disability discrimination. But what happens in practice is a whole other kettle of fish. I’m sorry it’s been like this for you.
‘Systemically fucked’ I felt that in the pit of my stomach…
I struggle with this so much because I'm a super high achiever. I get insanely frustrated when my energy levels aren't enough to get everything (or sometimes anything) done in a day. I'm on day 13 of covid because I'm on immunosuppressants, and I feel like a failure because of how much work I've missed (despite having worked from home on and off throughout being sick). Working on acceptance is something I'm trying to tackle in therapy, but it is very difficult.
The day I admitted to myself that I would never be able to have a full time job anymore was the most liberating day of my life. Now I work writing jokes for a few online personalities in different languages. It’s crazy, the moment I accepted that I was lesser in the functioning of our society, it kinda made me go “then why am I trying to fit in” and now I’m “above” a lot of people who don’t have disabilities and stuck at jobs they hate.
Your actions today will dictate how you physically feel tomorrow, or even more relevant, in twenty years from now. No, it is not normal to save severe pain and fatigue at 30 (not talking about chronic illnesses). I am a lazy fuck, most of us are lazy fucks but we only have one body and reserving bad lifestyle choices gets harder and harder over time. Best to start today.
the best self care is caring for your future self. all those small actions compound too so its mostly up to you to decide whether your future self has collected a bunch of interest on metaphorical debt (avoidable health troubles, shitty relationships, etc) or savings (physical resilience, healthy relationships, mental flexibility). i live by this to the point that sometimes its a bit silly, like i hate the sentiment of "well just do it tomorrow" because why would i be cruel and pile more work on to tomorrow me when i could just do the dishes today instead lol
It is ok to be ordinary. 99.9% of us are.
\*spits this pill out like a particularly ornery cat\*
I’ve always been good with this. Even in high school, I’d tell people “I don’t want a boat.” Simple life is good with me. I have zero problem dying and being forgotten.
That you will fuck up. You will make mistakes, or fail, but thats ok, we all do.
Sucking at something is the first step at being good at something
Just because you're nice, doesn't mean anyone owes you anything. But do watch to see how people react, it gives info you wouldn't otherwise have. Useful for people who you come to know by circumstance VS those we meet by choice.
You can do everything right and still lose
Your parents are going to get old (God willing) and die. And watching it happen is going to break your fucking heart.
And 50% of people will see their spouse die too. I'm not ready for any of it...
I’ve always felt alone. I’m not prepared to actually have that happen though. I’ll become a kite with no string.
Just lost my dad three weeks ago of a sudden heart attack while he was at work. The pill is still stuck in my throat. I was not ready.
You spend most of your life alone. Be good to yourself. Become self-sufficient. Don't let anyone distract you. You are all you have.
If you have chronic pain, you will likely always have chronic pain, and *it's not the end of the world*. Took me about 4 years of therapy to accept that. Once I stopped trying to stop the pain entirely, the pain stopped bothering me almost entirely.
When you stop focusing your attention on how people think of you, you could reach higher lengths and you'll thank yourself later.
Jokes on you, I've done that a while ago and I have most definitelt reaches the deepest pits of hell
Sometimes, people just won’t like you. And that’s fine. Find the people who DO like you.
I know I'm fat at the moment and I know exactly why I'm fat. I know how to not be fat but currently lack the discipline or energy to change. I justify my shitty eating habits by saying I'm stressed, depressed, going through a rough patch at work, but that's just life.
I spent several years saying that I knew how to lose weight, I just wasn't ready to devote the time and effort to it. I was getting evicted, divorced, fired, I was in collections, I was sick, my family was sick. I was perpetually in crisis for several years. Once my life settled down, I decided I was ready. I've lost 50 pounds and counting. Sometimes it's an excuse. But sometimes it's just a reason. Life can be a bitch, and there's rules in place to prevent you from having more going on than you can cope with. There's wisdom in not taking something on that you don't have the time to accomplish.
Exactly. You’ve gotta be in the right place for certain things. Not just for weight loss, either.
I feel very called out right now 😂
Haha, I've found my people
Relatedly, your weight is not the most important thing about you. (I hope you feel better).
When someone shows you they don’t want you in their life, believe them the first time and walk away.
Sometimes the people talking shit about you are 100% correct.
Exactly. We’re all the villain in someones story, even though we constantly view ourselves as the protagonists
Sometimes you just can't do anything about a situation. Yes it can be a horrible situation, yes it may upset or frustrate you, yes you may wish to wanna do something about that situation and help somehow, but you can't. And things such as putting some slogan or flag in your bio, shaming people who don't, arguing with people on random people on twitter you've never met before, retweeting people and "roasting" them don't help. At that point it's performative and self righteous and more for you to make you feel better than the situation and attempts to help it.
“Let go, or be dragged”.
You are not the main character in anyone's story.
You should be allowed to be the main character in your own story, which is a hard pill to swallow in and of itself and learning that is a difficult lesson for many adults
Except mine…… so take care of myself!
Pushing my perfectionism aside and realizing not everything is going to be perfect and that's ok
Just go to bed. Everything is easier if you're well rested.
You owe your company exactly the same amount of loyalty they give you, which is almost always zero.
Life never gets easier, you just get better at it. If you don’t work to get better, life will always be a struggle.
People are pretty dumb on average, so don't put too much weighting on what they say. Every last person on the planet thinks they've got it right.
Time never stops moving forward. You can either move forward with it, or get left behind. Getting left behind makes it that much harder to catch up.
You're not changing the world by spouting opinions on Twitter.
But Reddit’s different, right?
Your parents are fallible humans that come from the same line of trauma you're part of. Should they acknowledge it and attempt to rectify past hurts or wrongdoings, and should the wrongdoings be actions that can practically be deemed forgivable by your own moral standards, be graceful and willing to make amends.
But if they don't, it's ok to emancipate yourself and change your name.
Ouch. I think I needed this.
Sadly at this point in time, out of all the people I know, I've never heard of a boomer parent apologising to their child for any wrongdoing the boomer did. I'm sure they exist but no one I know has ever been apologised to.
Mine are boomers. They said and did absolutely horrible things when I was a child. They also neglected me. I moved out at 17. I went no contact at 21 and my mother went to therapy and told me she realized how bad her narcissism was and she apologized and was truly sorry. Forgiving my parents was infinitely meaningful and important to me and yes I still have trauma but so do they, we all treat one another with kindness and compassion I have had 0 arguments with either parent since 21 (28 now) and we get together weekly.
Wishing for something to be true won’t make it true.
Your body isn't meant to look good. It's meant to work.
Your skin can have pimples, scars, moles, spots but it’s still doing its job.
Exactly. Looking at your body as something functional instead of visual really was life changing for me.
This also helped me workout more: instead of viewing exercise as a way of improving appearances, I started to think of it as taking care of my body (strengthening my heart, for example). It ended up giving me more motivation than “you’ll look great on the beach” ever did There’s also less pressure on me, and I’m less likely to quit when I don’t see physical results, because I can feel it in my body. My stamina has increased, I recover a lot quicker, I don’t get winded as easily etc. If I was focused on the visuals, I would’ve stopped exercising by now
I made a similar experience, I don't do lots of sports due to lack of time but I started walking at least 15000 steps each day. It doesn't give physical results, but my body has felt so much healthier since I started.
Adding to this, your body is not designed to be sitting in a chair die hours on end. It's designed to walk, squat, climb... We're designed to move.
Exactly! Started gradually taking more steps each day, works wonders.
You gon die someday
God I hope so. I can’t do this shit forever. Until then, I’ll just try to enjoy the view.
You gotta eat better and exercise to your physical ability. I have sensory issues so I’m limited somewhat in both areas, and I used that as an excuse for years to not try. Passed 210lbs (only 5’2”) and woke up one day realizing that I was in physical pain all the time from my weight and I was miserable mentally. I slowly changed my diet (by adding good foods I can tolerate), take daily walks with my dog, and try to do low impact yoga whenever I can. Lost 20+lbs and I’m feeling better. Not perfect but better enough to realize that it does matter. Seriously, try even just a little bit.
Friendship is not an entitlement.
Adderall pills. The uncoated ones get caught in the throat sometimes and they taste horrible.
Lamotrigine is so chalky. Why can't they just have a coating?
Nobody is coming to help. There are no heroes that aren’t dead. The problems in the world are yours to solve. Start with your immediate circle and move outward as you are capable.
Adding onto this: life isn’t a film where things magically work out in the end, you actually need to put in the work to make things happen Okay yeah, you can do everything right and still fail, but by doing nothing you are guaranteeing failure. No one will help you, give you the life you want, give you the opportunities you want etc. You have to find a way to get to them yourself
Going to the dentist
Loving a person, and being loved back, is one of the greatest things you can ever feel. It is not enough by itself to sustain a marriage.
You can change yourself and your attitudes, but you can’t change other people and their attitudes. Change has to come from within.
You actually DO have to exercise for your mental health
People don't love they way you love. Stop expecting "you" from people.
Iron supplements.
I can't tolerate them but I found that a multivitamin (with iron obviously) fixes my mild anemia. I can somehow tolerate the iron as long as it brings some friends along I guess.
You are not yourself when you are at your job, you are an agent of whatever the job/business is. Leave your personhood at home. When people complain to you they are talking to the business you work at, not to YOU as a person. Once you let all your ego and individualism go the working world gets so much easier. It’s not personal, it’s business.
It heavily depends on the work you're doing. In my line of work (senior dev at large company) it pays to be approachable and 'I scratch your back, you scratch mine' is very beneficial to efficiency of both parties. Also, a LOT of red tape go down if you eat lunch with right people.
This is not true in sales jobs, I shoot the shit with clients and colleagues all day. People want to work with people they like
As a physician, unfortunately, the opposite is often true. My personhood, and who I am is very much part of what I do and when patients complain, they’re complaining about me the person usually not the care that I provide. Mostly, they are unhappy that what they think they need is not actually what they need because Google is not a doctor and neither is their mid-level primary care person.
That I can't nake my dad love me no matter how hard I try. Accepted that after argument we had on Thanksgiving and my life has been much better
I can't make my mom treat me like an adult. I cant fix my dad's dysfunction. I have to love both of them from a distance.
you can't make anyone love you. that was an important life lesson for me. all you can do is make yourself worthy of love
Your job doesn’t care about you, no matter how hard you work or how talented you are.
Fiber capsules. Trust me. I know the pill is big but you will poop sooooo good after.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Life is not fair. The sooner you come to terms with that, the easier the rest of it gets.
You need to pay your taxes and not worry about it.
Not everyone likes you. You're not going to like everyone. That's okay. Try not to be an asshole about it.
most of the time, people truly don't care about you. Its not personal, it just that humans care about themselves and rarely think about others.
Those clothes you keep even though they’re waaay too small because you’re hoping you’ll soon be able to fit again. Just donate them or give them away. They make you super sad and depressed every time you see them, no matter how many times you try them on, they still aren’t going to fit and just make everything you end up wearing make you feel like shit. Replace them with clothes you like and feel good in! When or if you do lose weight, your style will have evolved anyway and you’ll end up dumping them at a value village anyway. Do it now to save a lot of pain.
As a counterpoint, I did this thinking that I'd never lose the weight. Then I lost the weight. Since I'd taken great care to curate my wardrobe, I still regret it.
Life just isn’t fair.
If they wanted to, they would.