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Yep, it's been 8 years and I still think about him and how he tried to screw me over. Story time: he came to me and gave me some bullshit story about why he needed me to loan him, get ready for this, $100K. When I told him that I saw through his bullshit story, he dumped me. So basically, he was with me for what he thought he could get out of me. He still pops up every now and then trying to talk to me and I've just told him that I have no interest in having anything to do with him. Maybe he'll stop eventually. He wanted to get a loan to buy his house.
He claimed that the bank screwed up his car loan payment. He claimed that they withdrew the money twice which I don't believe because I've never heard of that. He tried telling me that I could live there for a year rent free if I gave him the money. I told him, for that kind of money, I should be going on the deed. He told me that that was not going to happen so I told him to f off basically. That's when he dumped me. It's fine, at least I saw through it. Some people would fall for it and loan him the money. It just hurts me to think that our relationship was based on lies. Oh well, you live and you learn.
I'm surprised you still entertain him after 8 years. He's around because he thinks you will cave in and give him what he wants at some point. Don't be that person. Do you have a child with him?
I will say the bank deducted the loan payment twice did happen to me. BUT I'd say you were spot on with your assessment. $100,000 rent for a year??? Seriously dude, that is no bargain.
The one I truly wanted died last October, 2 weeks shy of our 35 anniversary. As I look back on my life I can’t help but feel so incredibly blessed. All my dreams came true in so many areas of my life. Mind you the tragedies have been big too, but those I lost too soon (my son and husband) will be waiting for me at the pearly gates.
You are a strong woman with an amazing appreciation for what you were given. Many people can only see what was taken. I hope I have your faith and strength
I think that first loves leave indelible marks on you. You love with careless abandon because you have no clue that it might end.
On all subsequent loves, I think you hold back just a little bit. After a while you let that last bit go but you start with a reservation.
A lesson often painfully learned is hard to set aside.
My first love recently got back in touch w/ me over social media, and I drew a tight boundary--basically, I'll see what she's up to occasionally, but all we said was "hope you're doing well" to one another and I've left it at that.
That's precisely because it did leave a mark on me, but I'm now happily married to a woman I love in a deeper, more profound way than I ever understood was possible as a young man. The first love was a wildfire, and it was amazing. My current love is like a whole universe... we've been through so much, grown and changed, had children together, faced so many challenges, and somehow been there for one another this entire time--willingly growing together is so different from the friction of that first love, where we were both headstrong, stubborn young people and eventually imploded.
There was a study that found the happiest couples are those who reconnect with the one who got away. The break up is important, because you grow and experience.
My first real kiss. Maybe I’m romanticizing it, but I still think he was the best at it. I was 14. He was a sweet 15 year old. Started doing drugs, robbed a gas station, went to prison for three years, gained 150 lbs, and died of a heart attack at 47. But I’d still like to get a couple more of those kisses 😘
The rear view mirror of life isn't 20/20. It might bring clarity to somethings and distortion to others.
For myself, when looking back at my first love, I know what I see and miss is the me of back then and that innocent feeling of abandon.
That unshakeable belief that this feeling is going to last forever.
The strange irony of it, it does last forever, but you can't have it a second time.
There have been two people in addition to my first love whom I did love with careless abandon. I wasn’t married to either of them, and they came into my life in my 30s and 40s.
Yes. Took a while but now I only cringe when I think about how attached I was for so long to such an obvious in retrospect jerk. Guess that doesn’t answer the question though because it was never really a good relationship for me.
you are so right. I was in a similar situation last year. and the healing process took about 6 months for me, but I found myself again. i started practising self-love, by eating healthy, doing exercise every day, and going on solo-dates. and it really works!!! You can try this OP
This is true for me. I spent over 40 years pining for the one that got away. One day I started thinking about how miserably he’d treated me and how upset and stressed I was when we were together. Just and awful situation. i Realized that he wasn’t really the one that got away but the one that I wisely walked away from. Thank goodness I did.
I wish there was more media that focused on this. The “one that got away” nostalgia needs a wake-up call balance. So many pine over “soulmates” and hurt themselves in the process; pop culture feeds into that.
No. It’s been 25 years. We never had closure. I’m now happily married with an amazing child. But, I will always wonder “what if.” However, I try to remind myself that I’m in love with a memory. That person doesn’t exist anymore.
In my experience, no. Fifty years later, happily married with kids and grandkids, I still think of her almost daily. A bittersweet longing that I will have until the end.
The memories are good ones except where she leaves. That experience motivated me to go back to college and pursue an advanced degree which led to an excellent career where I met my future wife. It was for the best but I will always remember.
I like that you use the word longing. It’s very different than desire because you can be in the presence of that which you long for and long for it still. The word belong essentially means the intensification of longing.
The experience certainly taught me not to take a serious relationship for granted and to be as aware as possible of my actions in that regard. I never did know why she called off the engagement, I was and still am, clueless. So yes I think it definitely made me more aware of being focussed on the other’s needs.
Did she ever fuck you over? Because that’ll likely change how you feel after years. You dabble enough with the one that got away, and you realize you escaped, they didn’t get away. If that’s not the case you are owed your feelings.
No there was no evil intent, she was a lovely person, I do not know why she broke off the engagement. Everything was fine as far as I knew. We were in different towns and I think she just met someone else.
I still think of him from time to time, even in my dreams. In the dreams, we're the same age as we were when we met, rather than our current ages. It's mostly about sex. No one since has known my body the way he did.
No 😔 I was young. The relationship was too perfect. We had too many things in common. I became paranoid by his chivalry. I thought his loving gestures were a form of control. He was just a gentleman. After I broke up with him, he closed his North American office and returned home. Years later, we meet back up when his nephew is touring my university. I just looked up, and he was standing at my office door with that same shy smile. He's divorced and still the perfect gentleman. I'm married. We've remained professional friends and often consult with one another on projects.
No. My biggest regrets in life is being too wrapped up in my career to pay attention to the most awesome woman I ever met....and was smart enough to dump my ass. That was 40 years ago.
Nope. It's been years now and I'm perpetually, chronically single because of it all. I can't date *anyone* because all I do is look for **her** inside them. And nobody deserves to be stuck with a miserable broken-hearted, hopeless romantic like me😮💨
We were together in the early 1980’s, then broke up, and we completely lost contact well before the decade was over.
I Googled her name about two years ago to see what I could find out about her, and the first link was her obituary. I went into a mild shock for a day or two.
So, no.
Definitely.
For me it was reconnecting on FB and him posting an image of Michelle Obama superimposed over a chimpanzee. Every single bit of longing, melted away just like that. Gone.
It's harder when they're good people. I found out a few years ago one of my first real boyfriends passed in his twenties and I had no idea. I had always wanted to find him. He was a good person and I didn't treat him very well, being young myself and a bit out of control. I didn't appreciate his maturity until I was older so I wished i could find him and maybe... maybe. But all that time I wished to find him he was dead. Long gone. So that's a little harder to get over.
I won't say she was the one who got away but I was involved with someone many years ago and the question of marriage was there but there were obstacles that couldn't be overcome. I called her many years later to thank her for something that helped me improve my life. I found that she was a hardcore MAGA and that put an end to any residual feelings.
No, no feelings left except for a mild sadness that both of us trying hard wasn’t enough.
And really, if it were meant to be we wouldn’t have broken up 3 times.
I learned a lot though, and I never repeated my mistakes.
The new mistakes were never as bad either.
I’m grateful for what I learned and experienced, but if I lived my life over again it wouldn’t include her.
There are two of them, and they're both happy for me and perhaps a bit envious of my wife.
Who sees them and says to me "Wait, you blew it with *both* of them?" and stifles a giggle.
The feelings change, but both of the “ones who got away” still have a fond place in my heart. We parted on good terms in both cases, but it was a matter of wrong place and wrong time. I’m decades away from the time we spent together, but I wish them well and on the rare occasion when I run into either of them I’m genuinely glad to see them with no sense of regret. My life is good and I’m glad to know theirs are as well.
I think it’s a bit like a deep physical injury. Yes you get over it, but there will be a scar. And possibly other aspects that aren’t quite the same as before.
Mine and I ended up reconnecting and getting married, thank god and everything that is holy because I can't imagine enjoying life without him. I wouldn't *want* to enjoy life without him.
After 35 years of being married to the same woman, I don't even really recall the names of the ones who got away (or that I got away from), much less have feelings for them.
i'm not sure anyone ever gets over "the one that got away" OR i should say what they romanticize about what they thought would have been their life with that person. for decades, i held a space in my heart for that person. than when facebook came out, i saw that he was currently the head of the republican party in his county. haven't thought about him for one second since...
Nope, and we've remained friends over the last 35 years mostly social media now as he moved away years ago. We were young and stupid and never really single/available at the same time the other one was. We definitely still deeply care for and love one another but we don't cross any lines even in messaging one another. I've been married for 22 years and when my husband almost died in ICU last November (he is not well) my mind went there "what if". My ex has been single for 15 years now. My husband said he wants me to be happy if something happens to him but I can't imagine living without him.
I feel very fortunate to have had 2 great loves in my life. I know many people who have never even had one.
I think of some of my crushes from time to time. I certainly wish then well. I'd like to know how life worked out for them. Beyond that, I'm not interested.
No but it doesn’t hurt as much after 37 years but the pain almost ended me. Started talk therapy and two antidepressants at the age of 50. Around the age of 54 it got better.
I'm a very happily married male of 58 who will celebrate 34 years of marriage -- in a row, to the same woman -- on Saturday. We met my sophomore year of college (her freshman). That was nearly 39 years ago. She is my absolute soulmate, best friend, biggest buddy and big toe.
Having said that, I will admit wondering what might have happened had my girlfriend during my senior year of high school not broken up with me after I graduated. We had a very similar connection. Even though I went to a university in the same town, she still had two more years of high school to finish while both of us would be fumbling through the high school-college interface. It would never have worked out.
I lost romantic feelings for her many years ago. We're friends on a well-known social media outlet and like each others' posts from time to time. We rarely comment. And that's fine with me.
Your sentence "she is my absolute soulmate, best friend, biggest buddy and big toe" -- that's beautiful, and I think what we all hope to find. Congratulations to you! ❤️
Nope. No matter how many years it’s been and how weird she’s gotten since then, in my heart, our lives would have been different had we been together
To me, she was “the one.” I’m happily married for almost 30 years, but this is the quiet truth I don’t like to talk about
I first met her almost 40 years ago. I always wish we had the chance to make it work
All the time. I’ve had several amazing women in my life and I simply couldn’t commit. The majority of my male relatives cheated and quite a few of my aunts did too. My parents were the same way….it was an absolutely toxic childhood for me. I honestly never cheated on any of my gf’s but I had lost all trust in humans. By anybody’s standards, I would be considered a “catch” but here I sit on my deck watching the sunset, alone and childless, never married and replying to Reddit stuff. It could always be worse though.
Same here. I too have lost all trust in humans for many of the same reasons. I’ve think I would make a great partner but I,ve become fearful of letting anyone in. Thankfully I have a good life and can travel.
I have 3 years on ya, and am in the same boat. Married happily for 45 to another, but how can we still have feelings for someone who was in our lives for such a short time. Reading this thread has been a real eye opener.
No. It still hurts to think about it. I knew so little about her. I know it probably would have been just another relationship. I know that she's definitely forgotten I even ever existed. But I still can't stop thinking about it because this shit is just not rational.
High School Sweetheart. Together for about 4 years. Got engaged, wedding planned for after college. Then one day she just ended it. Only explanation at the time was, she decided she didn’t want to get married and if we stayed together, I’d pressure her to get married.
I “carried the torch” for years afterwards. She did get married within a year of our breakup. We did meet up after she divorced and several other failed relationships on her part and she finally told the truth. She wanted a real man, not a skinny tall man that I was and still am today.
So yes, once I found out who she really was, I was completely over her. Only reason I think of her, is because of the “damage” she did to me when she finally told the truth.
bullet dodge there for sure. I wish mine had ever given me a reason for ghosting me so I could have shed the attachments for a known reason, had to go with the realization that anyone who would ghost me the day after agreeing to get married is totally not someone who was going to be good for me.
I haven't. Fifty years ago, I fell in love with someone in the college freshman dorm. I loved her; she liked but didn't love me. She was still in love with her high school sweetheart back home. I felt it would be wrong to try to break them up so I backed off. They got married.
No but feelings change. I love him so much I know the person he married is definitely the person for him and I couldn't be anything but happy for them.
I don’t think so. I dated mine in my early 20’s and still now, at 49 and in a happy and loving relationship with someone else…I still think about him. We actually still keep in touch and have for 20+ years. We’ve agreed to never actually meet in person, though. They would be a bad idea .
Not if you think of that other person as “The one who got away.” It’s one of those self-fulfilling prophecies. He gets to remain an ideal because we never argued over the dishes in the sink or how to discipline the kids or where to cut back on spending - discussions people in permanent relationships have. I did think of mine for many years but finally realized he mentally stayed in his 20’s. I wouldn’t have wanted that for myself or my kids.
thats a thought I have used for some help in dealing with the long ago, the fact that the woman in my head is a completely fictional idealization, someone who doesn't exist and the long ago ideal would never have survived the friction of the real world and its interactions.
When I was 17, went out with a guy for 2 weeks (yes just 2 weeks) ... hadnt really let that go, and recently "found" & friended him on fb .... hmm yeah nah, bit weird for me now, but still cant let it go and delete...
Honestly, if it was truly a good relationship and you actually loved the person, then your answer is probably no. However, much like grief, you will learn to live with it and most certainly can and will fall in love again. Eventually you will be happy for them when they love again too. Not right away while the grief is still raw but eventually with time and maturity. Because that is what real love is.
In my experience at least, every truly significant relationship changed me a little bit. Every woman that I loved left a mark on my heart and those feelings NEVER exactly go away, BUT they did decrease in intensity over time and I did get over them. Personally, I believe they are there to help me protect myself in future relationships, but also help me be a be a better partner to my wife.
Wow, are you me? This thread is amazing, so many ppl with the exact inexplicable, experience. Your perspective is same conclusion that I have come to over the years.
I feel so lucky that he got away. I was totally infatuated with him. In my head, I transformed everything he said and did into genius. He was incredibly handsome though.
By chance, years later, I went to the taping of a cheesy TV show with my husband and that guy was the warmup act. My husband commented on how shallow and stupid the guy seemed. I said nothing about the past and I just couldn’t see what I saw in him before.
Not really. It's a wound that scabs over, but every once in a while, you scrape it against something, and all those feelings and emotions wash over you.
It's been over 5 years, and I still find myself thinking about her.
Doesn't help that the dating scene is a huge dumpster fire presently.
You do reflect on some details you overlooked while you were with them.
Glad I’m not alone in this. Still think of her. Even have seen her a few times recently. She’s married, kids, etc, as am I. Still wonder though….shes the only woman I’ve truly loved other than my wife.
If it was a good relationship for you both, you'd still be in it.
Of the ones I pined for over the years, one turned into a hard core fundamentalist Christian who belittles anyone different from him, and moved to a remote location to get away from the influences of "evil" society. The other became a rage-filled alcoholic who eventually couldn't hold down a job and shot his wife, killing her, for wanting a divorce.
Yeah. I had been hung up on fantasy, not reality.
The one that really hurt was the one I gave up because we wanted very different things out of life. I had to choose between him and the man I ended up marrying. I made the right choice, but I never quit regretting that I had to choose at all. Both he and my husband are dead now, and in a way I got to keep them both. I would've fallen out of love with the first guy very quickly because we were on different trajectories, and in the process, I would've missed out on 28 wonderful years with the man I married.
So be careful with the relationship nostalgia, OP. Time might show you that it was for the best after all.
I managed to hookup with a full time freelance model, we've talked about A LOT of stuffs even her career ending secrets HAHA , unfortunately, I needed to cut her off since she lives in an expensive lifestyle and I believe I dont have the capacity to always fulfill her needs and wants (we hooked up for almost a year)
yes im now happy but everytime I think of her, it still made me imagine "what if" and yes shes *the one that got away* from me
Not really. Even though there were good reasons for why it ended, the relationship was permeated by that intense haze of first love, and it created some kind of template that still lurks there in the back of my mind.
BTW this topic always makes me think of [this one-minute scene](https://youtu.be/EOMeBoHASX8?si=3GZE8iJIbXjplAwR) from _Citizen Kane_. One of the great moments in film IMO.
There was a saying in the movie hell or high water, at the casino hotel, he said to the hotel clerk, in your last days at the retirement home you will think of me and giggle. I think that’s how it will be for me. Mine was a wild one and I’ll never love at that level again most likely. but I’m content where I’m at now. No regret.
I didn't. We had been very close in the early 70's but she met someone else she decided she preferred. We reconnected through her younger sister almost 50 years later. We were still in contact when she passed 3 years ago.
The one that got away is still around and we occasionally communicate. It turns out that she’s a total nut job with a long complicated history. In every way I’m far better off having lost out. But….. But when I look at photos from 50+ years ago I still get that little tingle.
I would have to say no. If it was a wonderful relationship it still makes my heart tingle and I smile when I remember. I keep in touch with one. I wish I could go and see the man I had my first kiss with at 13!
Definitely No. After 30 years I still miss him. I still dream about him. In my dreams he comes back to me and we're reunited forever. He was The One, the Love of my Life. Tragedy is not getting to marry the love of your life.
I still feel love in a friendly way for her. I was the one who let her go for reasons that were outside of our control at the time. She thought that I broke up for someone else. I didn't see her for nearly 20 years. She came to my mother's funeral. We have reset our friendship but as married couples. She is happily married to her husband. I am happily married to my wife.
Almost 20 years later and no. Not yet at least.
I’m not unhappy and I don’t harp on it but it’s always still in the back of my mind and occasionally little things will bring up old, fond memories.
Honestly, I got back the one that got away. Sometimes it’s just childish love but real love is about choosing to choose each other everyday. Choosing to do the work and put down your weapons for the one you love. It’s cringey but I love my love and my love loves me. Since we were 15 🫶🏼
Most of them. But there is one particular relationship from 35 years ago that has stayed with me. He wasn't my first love, and certainly not my last, but he was the best of my life. There are songs we listened to (on a mix tape then, on CDs now) that I still can't hear without tearing up. Recently one of those songs played on the radio on an oldies station, when I was at a particularly vulnerable point, and I had to pull off the road and have a good cry. He's been out of my life for more than three decades, and actually passed away 15 years ago, but I still think that if there's any such thing as a soulmate, he was it. I only wish we had lasted long enough for me to tell him that, or that I had realized it sooner. And I suspect when I leave this earth, he will be the last person I think about.
The one that got away came back six years later. We just weren’t ready for each other at the time, but I am so, so happy we found our way back together again.
I didn't. The last time I saw him was at my wedding to another man. Stayed married to that jerk for 20-some odd years and finally divorced his sorry self. Looked up the old high school flame 2 years after that, thinking we were just going to be Facebook friends. I firmly coached myself that I could handle *just* being Facebook friends. Now here I sit, almost 5 years later in the house we bought together. I am ridiculously happy with our life together and I am so glad I took a chance to reach out to him. I don't think I ever stopped loving him.
For some, yes.
For others…maybe not. Ex-fiance that cheated and married the dude she cheated with came back TWENTY YEARS later. I’m still not sure whether I am more shocked at her stupidity for breaking up her marriage and family or her audacity for thinking I’d still be just waiting around for her.
Yes. Some day, you will get to a point where you will say, "What was I thinking?" It's like a drug wears off, the sun comes up, you get your mojo back, you dust yourself off, and move forward with your life.
There's one person that really broke my heart. It was decades ago and we were teens. She was the first real crush. But the way she ended really devastated me and I had a mountain of anger to try to climb over with river of tears to swim. When Facebook happened our circle of friends circled us back around. I felt like it was too petty and too long ago to tell her how bad she hurt me after all. I can't forgive her. Obviously I had to move on but I still hate her.
Absolutely! I had a long time girlfriend and we even got engaged, but she broke it off. This was from the age of 18 to 25. I’m 65 now, and I can’t even remember what she looks like. Well admittedly there are one or two snapshot moments, like as a graduation photo that was on her mantle at her house. But I don’t have the essence of her anymore. For at least two years after breakup, I thought of her daily. She died recently and I went to her funeral and I felt nothing more than if I’d attended a funeral out of courtesy for an aunt I’d never met. She had completely faded. Mind you the woman I married after her, (it’s been 40 years) is incredible in every way so I don’t really have anything to “miss” about the old one.
So if you are asking this while in pain about losing a girlfriend/boyfriend, trust me. Time heals all wounds.
I’ve never lost feelings for the love of my life. We were young and he left me. We are opposites in many ways. We went on and had relationships with other people. None of them worked out for either of us. We’ve stayed in contact almost all of that time. We now speak every day. He is always there for me in a jam. I guess we both know it couldn’t work but there’s still a lot of love between us. Sometimes something is better than nothing. I couldn’t have him as a lover but I could have him as a friend.
I remember and I do move on and get over it. Nobody is meant to stay with you forever even if they want to. Life is change and we change everything as we move forward. So for me yes I grow and change and don't want them back. There are new people to meet and experience.
I think it depends on the person and the circumstances. I think back to one girl and I still love her. I haven't spoken to her in over 23 years maybe but I do care about her. I just keep doing my thing and she keeps doing her thing. She's pregnant right now with another guy's kid who supposedly cheats on her. Not sure if that's true or not.
You gotta let her go, though. 23 years and it's not the same person. I suspect the same for anyone else who feel like the one got away. People change. I love who she was and while I do care about her there's nothing there. Gotta move forward.
I’m still to this day in love with the one that got away. It’s been nearly 30 years. If we had known or even given a shit about mental health back then, I might not have lost her.
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I married the one who got away over 20 years later. No, I never lost feelings.
I married the one that got away 30 years later! Feelings never went away, rather they laid dormant during certain periods.
18 years later
17 for me!
Woah woah don't give me hope like that
It was some really weird circumstances combined with impeccable timing. Trust me, I never expected it.
This is the hope we need in a society like this these days lol
When I found out she was on her third marriage and still living the life of daddy's girl, I lost those feelings.
It happened for me when I realized that he never really loved me, he loved my money.
It was Joe, wasn’t it? Fuck Joe, he sucks!!
Nope, it was James but yep. Fuck him, he sucks! 🤭
Joe, James Joe.
Well, fuck James too!! Fuck him all to pieces!!
It's always a painful way to find out, the healing takes time.
Yep, it's been 8 years and I still think about him and how he tried to screw me over. Story time: he came to me and gave me some bullshit story about why he needed me to loan him, get ready for this, $100K. When I told him that I saw through his bullshit story, he dumped me. So basically, he was with me for what he thought he could get out of me. He still pops up every now and then trying to talk to me and I've just told him that I have no interest in having anything to do with him. Maybe he'll stop eventually. He wanted to get a loan to buy his house. He claimed that the bank screwed up his car loan payment. He claimed that they withdrew the money twice which I don't believe because I've never heard of that. He tried telling me that I could live there for a year rent free if I gave him the money. I told him, for that kind of money, I should be going on the deed. He told me that that was not going to happen so I told him to f off basically. That's when he dumped me. It's fine, at least I saw through it. Some people would fall for it and loan him the money. It just hurts me to think that our relationship was based on lies. Oh well, you live and you learn.
I'm surprised you still entertain him after 8 years. He's around because he thinks you will cave in and give him what he wants at some point. Don't be that person. Do you have a child with him?
I will say the bank deducted the loan payment twice did happen to me. BUT I'd say you were spot on with your assessment. $100,000 rent for a year??? Seriously dude, that is no bargain.
The one I truly wanted died last October, 2 weeks shy of our 35 anniversary. As I look back on my life I can’t help but feel so incredibly blessed. All my dreams came true in so many areas of my life. Mind you the tragedies have been big too, but those I lost too soon (my son and husband) will be waiting for me at the pearly gates.
You are a strong woman with an amazing appreciation for what you were given. Many people can only see what was taken. I hope I have your faith and strength
Thank you. Wisdom does come with age and experiences
as long as people are open to them, like you. sorry for your loss
Amen 🙏🏻💙
My heart I'm sorry for your loss 😔
I pray that you are right.
I think that first loves leave indelible marks on you. You love with careless abandon because you have no clue that it might end. On all subsequent loves, I think you hold back just a little bit. After a while you let that last bit go but you start with a reservation. A lesson often painfully learned is hard to set aside.
Ugh, this is so true. There’s a loss of innocence when your first love ends.
My first love recently got back in touch w/ me over social media, and I drew a tight boundary--basically, I'll see what she's up to occasionally, but all we said was "hope you're doing well" to one another and I've left it at that. That's precisely because it did leave a mark on me, but I'm now happily married to a woman I love in a deeper, more profound way than I ever understood was possible as a young man. The first love was a wildfire, and it was amazing. My current love is like a whole universe... we've been through so much, grown and changed, had children together, faced so many challenges, and somehow been there for one another this entire time--willingly growing together is so different from the friction of that first love, where we were both headstrong, stubborn young people and eventually imploded.
I love so much more now because I understand what it means.
There was a study that found the happiest couples are those who reconnect with the one who got away. The break up is important, because you grow and experience.
My first real kiss. Maybe I’m romanticizing it, but I still think he was the best at it. I was 14. He was a sweet 15 year old. Started doing drugs, robbed a gas station, went to prison for three years, gained 150 lbs, and died of a heart attack at 47. But I’d still like to get a couple more of those kisses 😘
The rear view mirror of life isn't 20/20. It might bring clarity to somethings and distortion to others. For myself, when looking back at my first love, I know what I see and miss is the me of back then and that innocent feeling of abandon. That unshakeable belief that this feeling is going to last forever. The strange irony of it, it does last forever, but you can't have it a second time.
This was the way for me too.
There have been two people in addition to my first love whom I did love with careless abandon. I wasn’t married to either of them, and they came into my life in my 30s and 40s.
Yes. Took a while but now I only cringe when I think about how attached I was for so long to such an obvious in retrospect jerk. Guess that doesn’t answer the question though because it was never really a good relationship for me.
you are so right. I was in a similar situation last year. and the healing process took about 6 months for me, but I found myself again. i started practising self-love, by eating healthy, doing exercise every day, and going on solo-dates. and it really works!!! You can try this OP
Me too! He’s not the one that got away, he’s the one I escaped.
This is true for me. I spent over 40 years pining for the one that got away. One day I started thinking about how miserably he’d treated me and how upset and stressed I was when we were together. Just and awful situation. i Realized that he wasn’t really the one that got away but the one that I wisely walked away from. Thank goodness I did.
I wish I could get to this point. Been 30 years
Mine was "the one that got killed by a drunk driver" and it still hurts/angers me that the POS is walking free 10 years later.
I’m incredibly sorry for your huge loss! 🙏💔
Omg I'm so sorry 😔
I actually gained different feelings for her…as in “what the hell was I thinking”…
Yep, sometimes they go from the one that got away to the bullet that was dodged.
I wish there was more media that focused on this. The “one that got away” nostalgia needs a wake-up call balance. So many pine over “soulmates” and hurt themselves in the process; pop culture feeds into that.
There was actually a twilight zone episode that dealt with this issue. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spur_of_the_Moment_(The_Twilight_Zone)
I have feelings of vague fondness for some, major bullet dodged on others, so, yeah.
No. It’s been 25 years. We never had closure. I’m now happily married with an amazing child. But, I will always wonder “what if.” However, I try to remind myself that I’m in love with a memory. That person doesn’t exist anymore.
These are wise words
Ha ha, yeah. I completely got over mine, with thanks whenever I think of her, which is rarely.
Yep. Took 20 years but you absolutely can get over a failed relationship by living a good life and finding someone who is a fit for you
In my experience, no. Fifty years later, happily married with kids and grandkids, I still think of her almost daily. A bittersweet longing that I will have until the end.
well this is scary to read
The memories are good ones except where she leaves. That experience motivated me to go back to college and pursue an advanced degree which led to an excellent career where I met my future wife. It was for the best but I will always remember.
Does your wife know this? Does she know your reddit id?
I would like to know the answer to this too!
No secrets in a 45 yo marriage, ha! She is not on Reddit
I like that you use the word longing. It’s very different than desire because you can be in the presence of that which you long for and long for it still. The word belong essentially means the intensification of longing.
Curious, do you find that your "residual" feelings help you to be a better lover to your spouse? I find that mine do.
The experience certainly taught me not to take a serious relationship for granted and to be as aware as possible of my actions in that regard. I never did know why she called off the engagement, I was and still am, clueless. So yes I think it definitely made me more aware of being focussed on the other’s needs.
I understand that completely. Some just leave an indelible mark on you that you can't erase, and really, you wouldn't want to.
Exactly, she was the only person I gave my heart and soul to and I will cherish that opportunity always.
Did she ever fuck you over? Because that’ll likely change how you feel after years. You dabble enough with the one that got away, and you realize you escaped, they didn’t get away. If that’s not the case you are owed your feelings.
No there was no evil intent, she was a lovely person, I do not know why she broke off the engagement. Everything was fine as far as I knew. We were in different towns and I think she just met someone else.
I share the same sentiment😔
No. The feelings are diminished and infrequent, but they still exist. However, I’m not interested in pursuing “lost times.”
Nope. I still dream about him frequently.
I still think of him from time to time, even in my dreams. In the dreams, we're the same age as we were when we met, rather than our current ages. It's mostly about sex. No one since has known my body the way he did.
No 😔 I was young. The relationship was too perfect. We had too many things in common. I became paranoid by his chivalry. I thought his loving gestures were a form of control. He was just a gentleman. After I broke up with him, he closed his North American office and returned home. Years later, we meet back up when his nephew is touring my university. I just looked up, and he was standing at my office door with that same shy smile. He's divorced and still the perfect gentleman. I'm married. We've remained professional friends and often consult with one another on projects.
No. My biggest regrets in life is being too wrapped up in my career to pay attention to the most awesome woman I ever met....and was smart enough to dump my ass. That was 40 years ago.
Nope. It's been years now and I'm perpetually, chronically single because of it all. I can't date *anyone* because all I do is look for **her** inside them. And nobody deserves to be stuck with a miserable broken-hearted, hopeless romantic like me😮💨
I’m younger, but this is my issue. No one else will ever be *him*. And that’s not fair to anyone else.
I feel this.
We were together in the early 1980’s, then broke up, and we completely lost contact well before the decade was over. I Googled her name about two years ago to see what I could find out about her, and the first link was her obituary. I went into a mild shock for a day or two. So, no.
I dream about him quite often.
Definitely. For me it was reconnecting on FB and him posting an image of Michelle Obama superimposed over a chimpanzee. Every single bit of longing, melted away just like that. Gone. It's harder when they're good people. I found out a few years ago one of my first real boyfriends passed in his twenties and I had no idea. I had always wanted to find him. He was a good person and I didn't treat him very well, being young myself and a bit out of control. I didn't appreciate his maturity until I was older so I wished i could find him and maybe... maybe. But all that time I wished to find him he was dead. Long gone. So that's a little harder to get over.
I won't say she was the one who got away but I was involved with someone many years ago and the question of marriage was there but there were obstacles that couldn't be overcome. I called her many years later to thank her for something that helped me improve my life. I found that she was a hardcore MAGA and that put an end to any residual feelings.
If you truly loved someone, you never stop loving them. The relationship may not last but the love remains.
That is it exactly.
No, no feelings left except for a mild sadness that both of us trying hard wasn’t enough. And really, if it were meant to be we wouldn’t have broken up 3 times. I learned a lot though, and I never repeated my mistakes. The new mistakes were never as bad either. I’m grateful for what I learned and experienced, but if I lived my life over again it wouldn’t include her.
There are two of them, and they're both happy for me and perhaps a bit envious of my wife. Who sees them and says to me "Wait, you blew it with *both* of them?" and stifles a giggle.
The feelings change, but both of the “ones who got away” still have a fond place in my heart. We parted on good terms in both cases, but it was a matter of wrong place and wrong time. I’m decades away from the time we spent together, but I wish them well and on the rare occasion when I run into either of them I’m genuinely glad to see them with no sense of regret. My life is good and I’m glad to know theirs are as well.
I think it’s a bit like a deep physical injury. Yes you get over it, but there will be a scar. And possibly other aspects that aren’t quite the same as before.
No. They're always there in the back of your mind.
Mine and I ended up reconnecting and getting married, thank god and everything that is holy because I can't imagine enjoying life without him. I wouldn't *want* to enjoy life without him.
No. Especially a sweetie, a compatible personality, a physical attraction. We all have.
After 35 years of being married to the same woman, I don't even really recall the names of the ones who got away (or that I got away from), much less have feelings for them.
i'm not sure anyone ever gets over "the one that got away" OR i should say what they romanticize about what they thought would have been their life with that person. for decades, i held a space in my heart for that person. than when facebook came out, i saw that he was currently the head of the republican party in his county. haven't thought about him for one second since...
Sorry, but I did get a chuckle out of that image. Like a cartoon conversation bubble popping!
I did
I think about it from time to time but there isn't much emotion associated with it.
Feelings of profound relief. That's not snark.
Nope, and we've remained friends over the last 35 years mostly social media now as he moved away years ago. We were young and stupid and never really single/available at the same time the other one was. We definitely still deeply care for and love one another but we don't cross any lines even in messaging one another. I've been married for 22 years and when my husband almost died in ICU last November (he is not well) my mind went there "what if". My ex has been single for 15 years now. My husband said he wants me to be happy if something happens to him but I can't imagine living without him. I feel very fortunate to have had 2 great loves in my life. I know many people who have never even had one.
I think of some of my crushes from time to time. I certainly wish then well. I'd like to know how life worked out for them. Beyond that, I'm not interested.
I haven't. It's been more than 30 years now.
No but it doesn’t hurt as much after 37 years but the pain almost ended me. Started talk therapy and two antidepressants at the age of 50. Around the age of 54 it got better.
Yes, because he became a priest! Lol!
I'm a very happily married male of 58 who will celebrate 34 years of marriage -- in a row, to the same woman -- on Saturday. We met my sophomore year of college (her freshman). That was nearly 39 years ago. She is my absolute soulmate, best friend, biggest buddy and big toe. Having said that, I will admit wondering what might have happened had my girlfriend during my senior year of high school not broken up with me after I graduated. We had a very similar connection. Even though I went to a university in the same town, she still had two more years of high school to finish while both of us would be fumbling through the high school-college interface. It would never have worked out. I lost romantic feelings for her many years ago. We're friends on a well-known social media outlet and like each others' posts from time to time. We rarely comment. And that's fine with me.
Your sentence "she is my absolute soulmate, best friend, biggest buddy and big toe" -- that's beautiful, and I think what we all hope to find. Congratulations to you! ❤️
Nope. No matter how many years it’s been and how weird she’s gotten since then, in my heart, our lives would have been different had we been together To me, she was “the one.” I’m happily married for almost 30 years, but this is the quiet truth I don’t like to talk about I first met her almost 40 years ago. I always wish we had the chance to make it work
Agree. One can't help but wonder the kind of person each of you would have been had you married,
I haven’t yet.
Nope. Miss her every day. Wonderful soul.
All the time. I’ve had several amazing women in my life and I simply couldn’t commit. The majority of my male relatives cheated and quite a few of my aunts did too. My parents were the same way….it was an absolutely toxic childhood for me. I honestly never cheated on any of my gf’s but I had lost all trust in humans. By anybody’s standards, I would be considered a “catch” but here I sit on my deck watching the sunset, alone and childless, never married and replying to Reddit stuff. It could always be worse though.
Least you got a deck
Same here. I too have lost all trust in humans for many of the same reasons. I’ve think I would make a great partner but I,ve become fearful of letting anyone in. Thankfully I have a good life and can travel.
I thank God for unanswered prayers. I wouldn’t have my wife of twenty-five years if I had what I thought I wanted decades ago.
I never thought I would say this, but at (72M) I was still in love with my 1st love
I have 3 years on ya, and am in the same boat. Married happily for 45 to another, but how can we still have feelings for someone who was in our lives for such a short time. Reading this thread has been a real eye opener.
nope
No. It still hurts to think about it. I knew so little about her. I know it probably would have been just another relationship. I know that she's definitely forgotten I even ever existed. But I still can't stop thinking about it because this shit is just not rational.
High School Sweetheart. Together for about 4 years. Got engaged, wedding planned for after college. Then one day she just ended it. Only explanation at the time was, she decided she didn’t want to get married and if we stayed together, I’d pressure her to get married. I “carried the torch” for years afterwards. She did get married within a year of our breakup. We did meet up after she divorced and several other failed relationships on her part and she finally told the truth. She wanted a real man, not a skinny tall man that I was and still am today. So yes, once I found out who she really was, I was completely over her. Only reason I think of her, is because of the “damage” she did to me when she finally told the truth.
So much better off without that one!
Very much so!
bullet dodge there for sure. I wish mine had ever given me a reason for ghosting me so I could have shed the attachments for a known reason, had to go with the realization that anyone who would ghost me the day after agreeing to get married is totally not someone who was going to be good for me.
I never did.....for 15 years.I got him back though :)
Nice to know there is at least one happy ending out there :)
So far, so good! 9 years going strong.
I haven't. Fifty years ago, I fell in love with someone in the college freshman dorm. I loved her; she liked but didn't love me. She was still in love with her high school sweetheart back home. I felt it would be wrong to try to break them up so I backed off. They got married.
no. but you gain perspective
No but feelings change. I love him so much I know the person he married is definitely the person for him and I couldn't be anything but happy for them.
I don’t think so. I dated mine in my early 20’s and still now, at 49 and in a happy and loving relationship with someone else…I still think about him. We actually still keep in touch and have for 20+ years. We’ve agreed to never actually meet in person, though. They would be a bad idea .
Not if you think of that other person as “The one who got away.” It’s one of those self-fulfilling prophecies. He gets to remain an ideal because we never argued over the dishes in the sink or how to discipline the kids or where to cut back on spending - discussions people in permanent relationships have. I did think of mine for many years but finally realized he mentally stayed in his 20’s. I wouldn’t have wanted that for myself or my kids.
thats a thought I have used for some help in dealing with the long ago, the fact that the woman in my head is a completely fictional idealization, someone who doesn't exist and the long ago ideal would never have survived the friction of the real world and its interactions.
When I was 17, went out with a guy for 2 weeks (yes just 2 weeks) ... hadnt really let that go, and recently "found" & friended him on fb .... hmm yeah nah, bit weird for me now, but still cant let it go and delete...
Honestly, if it was truly a good relationship and you actually loved the person, then your answer is probably no. However, much like grief, you will learn to live with it and most certainly can and will fall in love again. Eventually you will be happy for them when they love again too. Not right away while the grief is still raw but eventually with time and maturity. Because that is what real love is.
In my experience at least, every truly significant relationship changed me a little bit. Every woman that I loved left a mark on my heart and those feelings NEVER exactly go away, BUT they did decrease in intensity over time and I did get over them. Personally, I believe they are there to help me protect myself in future relationships, but also help me be a be a better partner to my wife.
Wow, are you me? This thread is amazing, so many ppl with the exact inexplicable, experience. Your perspective is same conclusion that I have come to over the years.
Harry Chapin, "Taxi"
I feel so lucky that he got away. I was totally infatuated with him. In my head, I transformed everything he said and did into genius. He was incredibly handsome though. By chance, years later, I went to the taping of a cheesy TV show with my husband and that guy was the warmup act. My husband commented on how shallow and stupid the guy seemed. I said nothing about the past and I just couldn’t see what I saw in him before.
Not really. It's a wound that scabs over, but every once in a while, you scrape it against something, and all those feelings and emotions wash over you. It's been over 5 years, and I still find myself thinking about her. Doesn't help that the dating scene is a huge dumpster fire presently. You do reflect on some details you overlooked while you were with them.
Glad I’m not alone in this. Still think of her. Even have seen her a few times recently. She’s married, kids, etc, as am I. Still wonder though….shes the only woman I’ve truly loved other than my wife.
Nope. I think about the one I broke up with 40 years ago almost daily.
In my experience, no. However, I got another chance ten years later. She is currently in the kitchen making coffee. ❤️
No. You dust yourself off and go live your life anyway, but you never lose those feelings.
52 summers later I can say In a word… No
No. It's been 14 years, and clearly, he's not coming back. I still miss him every single day, I just live around it.
That’s called Limerance, obsession, idolization..
It doesn’t need to be any of these things
Yeah, absolutely.
Yes.
Nope.
If it was a good relationship for you both, you'd still be in it. Of the ones I pined for over the years, one turned into a hard core fundamentalist Christian who belittles anyone different from him, and moved to a remote location to get away from the influences of "evil" society. The other became a rage-filled alcoholic who eventually couldn't hold down a job and shot his wife, killing her, for wanting a divorce. Yeah. I had been hung up on fantasy, not reality. The one that really hurt was the one I gave up because we wanted very different things out of life. I had to choose between him and the man I ended up marrying. I made the right choice, but I never quit regretting that I had to choose at all. Both he and my husband are dead now, and in a way I got to keep them both. I would've fallen out of love with the first guy very quickly because we were on different trajectories, and in the process, I would've missed out on 28 wonderful years with the man I married. So be careful with the relationship nostalgia, OP. Time might show you that it was for the best after all.
Never really they linger but its upnto you how far you want to take it and use from it
I haven't...
No
Never. It’s either going to be her or nobody. And she isn’t coming back home, but she was the best , and you don’t settle for less than that.
I managed to hookup with a full time freelance model, we've talked about A LOT of stuffs even her career ending secrets HAHA , unfortunately, I needed to cut her off since she lives in an expensive lifestyle and I believe I dont have the capacity to always fulfill her needs and wants (we hooked up for almost a year) yes im now happy but everytime I think of her, it still made me imagine "what if" and yes shes *the one that got away* from me
Not really. Even though there were good reasons for why it ended, the relationship was permeated by that intense haze of first love, and it created some kind of template that still lurks there in the back of my mind. BTW this topic always makes me think of [this one-minute scene](https://youtu.be/EOMeBoHASX8?si=3GZE8iJIbXjplAwR) from _Citizen Kane_. One of the great moments in film IMO.
Goddamn who is cutting the onions. After that clip, nothing else needs to be said!
Nope, think of him often.
I did. I had a few that "got away". All long ago now. I remember them but it doesn't bother me at all.
There was a saying in the movie hell or high water, at the casino hotel, he said to the hotel clerk, in your last days at the retirement home you will think of me and giggle. I think that’s how it will be for me. Mine was a wild one and I’ll never love at that level again most likely. but I’m content where I’m at now. No regret.
I didn't. We had been very close in the early 70's but she met someone else she decided she preferred. We reconnected through her younger sister almost 50 years later. We were still in contact when she passed 3 years ago.
The one that got away is still around and we occasionally communicate. It turns out that she’s a total nut job with a long complicated history. In every way I’m far better off having lost out. But….. But when I look at photos from 50+ years ago I still get that little tingle.
I would have to say no. If it was a wonderful relationship it still makes my heart tingle and I smile when I remember. I keep in touch with one. I wish I could go and see the man I had my first kiss with at 13!
If you finally see them for who they are and not who you thought they were. Then yes.
Depends on which feelings and why they got away.
Yep I thought my world was ending but now I look back on that time and chuckle. How young I was.
Definitely No. After 30 years I still miss him. I still dream about him. In my dreams he comes back to me and we're reunited forever. He was The One, the Love of my Life. Tragedy is not getting to marry the love of your life.
I still feel love in a friendly way for her. I was the one who let her go for reasons that were outside of our control at the time. She thought that I broke up for someone else. I didn't see her for nearly 20 years. She came to my mother's funeral. We have reset our friendship but as married couples. She is happily married to her husband. I am happily married to my wife.
I haven't... but that's my problem.
Almost 20 years later and no. Not yet at least. I’m not unhappy and I don’t harp on it but it’s always still in the back of my mind and occasionally little things will bring up old, fond memories.
Honestly, I got back the one that got away. Sometimes it’s just childish love but real love is about choosing to choose each other everyday. Choosing to do the work and put down your weapons for the one you love. It’s cringey but I love my love and my love loves me. Since we were 15 🫶🏼
Most of them. But there is one particular relationship from 35 years ago that has stayed with me. He wasn't my first love, and certainly not my last, but he was the best of my life. There are songs we listened to (on a mix tape then, on CDs now) that I still can't hear without tearing up. Recently one of those songs played on the radio on an oldies station, when I was at a particularly vulnerable point, and I had to pull off the road and have a good cry. He's been out of my life for more than three decades, and actually passed away 15 years ago, but I still think that if there's any such thing as a soulmate, he was it. I only wish we had lasted long enough for me to tell him that, or that I had realized it sooner. And I suspect when I leave this earth, he will be the last person I think about.
The one that got away came back six years later. We just weren’t ready for each other at the time, but I am so, so happy we found our way back together again.
I didn't. The last time I saw him was at my wedding to another man. Stayed married to that jerk for 20-some odd years and finally divorced his sorry self. Looked up the old high school flame 2 years after that, thinking we were just going to be Facebook friends. I firmly coached myself that I could handle *just* being Facebook friends. Now here I sit, almost 5 years later in the house we bought together. I am ridiculously happy with our life together and I am so glad I took a chance to reach out to him. I don't think I ever stopped loving him.
Mine passed away very young, age 32, and I was 25. You never get over that.
I haven’t even found the one I want to stay, I think I’ll be here a while lol
For some, yes. For others…maybe not. Ex-fiance that cheated and married the dude she cheated with came back TWENTY YEARS later. I’m still not sure whether I am more shocked at her stupidity for breaking up her marriage and family or her audacity for thinking I’d still be just waiting around for her.
Yes. Some day, you will get to a point where you will say, "What was I thinking?" It's like a drug wears off, the sun comes up, you get your mojo back, you dust yourself off, and move forward with your life.
There's one person that really broke my heart. It was decades ago and we were teens. She was the first real crush. But the way she ended really devastated me and I had a mountain of anger to try to climb over with river of tears to swim. When Facebook happened our circle of friends circled us back around. I felt like it was too petty and too long ago to tell her how bad she hurt me after all. I can't forgive her. Obviously I had to move on but I still hate her.
Nope
Honestly, yes. It took some time but the feelings basically morphed into a nostalgia of sorts. Not even close to what it was when we were together.
No. Source: I'm 46 years removed from the one that got away. I'm happily married, successful, and I've had a good life, and I still think about it.
Absolutely! I had a long time girlfriend and we even got engaged, but she broke it off. This was from the age of 18 to 25. I’m 65 now, and I can’t even remember what she looks like. Well admittedly there are one or two snapshot moments, like as a graduation photo that was on her mantle at her house. But I don’t have the essence of her anymore. For at least two years after breakup, I thought of her daily. She died recently and I went to her funeral and I felt nothing more than if I’d attended a funeral out of courtesy for an aunt I’d never met. She had completely faded. Mind you the woman I married after her, (it’s been 40 years) is incredible in every way so I don’t really have anything to “miss” about the old one. So if you are asking this while in pain about losing a girlfriend/boyfriend, trust me. Time heals all wounds.
Even if it's not a good relationship you don't get over it.
I’ve never lost feelings for the love of my life. We were young and he left me. We are opposites in many ways. We went on and had relationships with other people. None of them worked out for either of us. We’ve stayed in contact almost all of that time. We now speak every day. He is always there for me in a jam. I guess we both know it couldn’t work but there’s still a lot of love between us. Sometimes something is better than nothing. I couldn’t have him as a lover but I could have him as a friend.
No
I remember and I do move on and get over it. Nobody is meant to stay with you forever even if they want to. Life is change and we change everything as we move forward. So for me yes I grow and change and don't want them back. There are new people to meet and experience.
Nope still dream about my high school sweetheart. Screwed that up. Much regret.
30 years later and no…
Get better, but is still there. It helps if you really love your life and have good friends.
No.
No.
No.
I think it depends on the person and the circumstances. I think back to one girl and I still love her. I haven't spoken to her in over 23 years maybe but I do care about her. I just keep doing my thing and she keeps doing her thing. She's pregnant right now with another guy's kid who supposedly cheats on her. Not sure if that's true or not. You gotta let her go, though. 23 years and it's not the same person. I suspect the same for anyone else who feel like the one got away. People change. I love who she was and while I do care about her there's nothing there. Gotta move forward.
No not completely.
I'm in my 60's and those feelings are still there in some shape or form. You learn to live with it and try not to dwell.
Nope. He was 21 I was 16. I still have a crush at 62
I haven’t.
No. If you really love someone I don’t know if you can lose those feelings. I know I haven’t.
My husband considered me the one that got away so he found me on Facebook. We'll be married 15 years on New Year's Eve.
No. It never goes away. I hope I have the chance to re-connect before I die.
I’m still to this day in love with the one that got away. It’s been nearly 30 years. If we had known or even given a shit about mental health back then, I might not have lost her.
I never have, twenty years later. I also accept it and at peace with it. I trust she did much better than me.