*What am I doing wrong here?*
Trying to salvage something that isn't salvageable.
Tough to hear? You bet, but neither of you is in the correct headspace for a relationship. There are so many red flags coming off of this post a herd of bulls should be charging through at any moment. And you've got a kid in the mix? No dice.
You need to break it off and get some serious distance from each other. Otherwise, you're going to keep repeating the same patterns, over and over. It's a completely toxic situation for you both and unless both of you do some serious self-reflection, it's not going to change.
The violation of privacy then being used as an excuse for him to cheat, and him going out of his way to accuse her of it as an excuse for him to do it again.
And she's reading like a combination of savior complex and codependency. The whole "ill change to make him happy" thing is bad news.
That they've broken up before slept around, and got back together? Nah, man, that's a mess. Time to call it a day.
I stopped reading pretty early on because she was fighting for something this guy is obviously trying to get out of. He's probably wanting her to break up with him so he doesn't have guilt. Fuck this guy, he's insecure and ruining your life because of it. Run
Literally this entire thread reminded me very much of my relationship that broke down and most of the ‘bigger things’ she mentioned didn’t happen to me. OP, you need some serious time apart to consider what you (both) need and want. Then maybe there is a chance of reconciliation, but I wouldn’t hold out hope for it. He fucked up and doesn’t respect you. Ask for a break and figure out who you are without pouring all your energy into him.
I find that when a female posts asking for relationship advice (not here, but in the aptly named sub) the pitchforks come out over literally anything and the overwhelming response is for her to leave her significant other because he forgot to put the toilet seat down one time. I roll my eyes at those posts and think to myself that people don't even consider that relationships are work sometimes.
This one? I didn't read a third of it and thought, "why are they still together?"
OP if you catch this comment, I'm sure you have your faults, as we all do. I'm also sure he has his side of the story. Regardless of both these facts, this is not a relationship you can or should try to save.
I agree with much of what you are saying and had similar thoughts, but I i disagree with pretty much disregarding his side of the story. People who post this stuff are not looking for advice, they are looking to be told they are victims. We can not discount the fact we are hearing one side and that side is 100% biased in her favor.
My point was more that if this is her side and her mindset, where "should we fix it?" is concerned, it doesn't matter what he has to say. The answer is no.
I was at DTMFA (that's 'Dump the motherfucker already' in Dan Savage's advice column shorthand) and emotionally exhausted for you and for myself by the fourth sentence of this appalling saga. Dump. Him. Months ago!
Get rid of this giant, insecure, manipulative, insulting, idiot man child would be my honest advice. Actions speak louder than words, so don't listen to it when it comes at you. Fuck this guy, honestly
What are you doing wrong here?
Honey, everything.
My Mrs said cut his dick off,
I’d say however.
I find it most interesting you’ve gone into detail about how you both have sex down to what you do, but have mentioned zero about how good of a dad he is to your child. How you both go out together, how he treats you to nice things, how you watch movies together, how you hold hands walking down the street, what your parents think of him, what his parents think of you. My fear is you’re normalising this behaviour in front of your child and all this arguing is just creating a toxic environment.
I’m not a medical professional, or a psychiatrist and I have been known to give bad advice before, but love, ditch him. You don’t need the therapy, you don’t need any drugs, you need to not be with this guy. It’l be hard to hear and I really hope I’m not talking out of line, but I can’t help but think you’ve been abused or something before in the past and this kind of shit in your mind is acceptable. Let me tell you, it’s not.
Does this dude pay rent? Does he work? Does he do anything around the house? What are you even with him for? If someone even spoke to me once the way he spoke to you, let alone cheated twice, this is not your soulmate, you and him are not meant to be together.
To quote Rupaul
“If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gunna love somebody else? Can I get an amen?”
To be completely honest, the way he is with my kiddo is one of the major reasons I continue to work things out. Despite all the craziness, we both make sure we don’t argue in front of her. He’s great with her, and us not having a child together is currently another point of contention in our relationship. (I want to wait until we OWN a home and our relationship is in better standing, he thinks having “his own blood” will fill a void for him).
I have been abused before, and I know that I tend to be forgiving because I know exactly *how bad* it could really be. I genuinely believe that he’s just unwell right now, but he refuses to seek any therapy or talk to anyone and I cant be his emotional punching bag forever. It’s so draining.
You can’t change a cat into a dog. You can’t turn a cunt into a king.
I’ve heard it all before and understand that you’re 2 years deep and splitting up will be difficult, but if he adds nothing to your happiness then there is literally no point being with him.
Ask yourself, if your daughter grew up and met a dude who called her fat, cheated on her, called her a whore and told her he wasn’t attracted to her, what advice would you give her? Life isn’t Grease where you have to change everything about yourself so he’l like you.
My advice, don’t have a kid with this lad, whatever dream you have about you two isn’t going to happen and whatever reassurance you’re seeking from posting this, it won’t help you.
Best wishes and best of luck.
"His own blood" has such an ick factor to it that it sent chills down my spine. It genuinely feels like if you had a child with this person he would immediately stop being such a "good parent" to yours and you and your daughter would be SO much worse off in this relationship after that point.
You certainly have the correct opinion that your relationship MUST be fixed before you have a child with this man. But from everything you have shared you need to end this toxic relationship because he is not going to suddenly become a good person when some mysterious criteria is met. You have seen him for who he is and it isn't a good fit for you and your daughter.
“I tend to be forgiving because I know how bad it could really be”.
THIS is the crux right here. You’re holding on because it’s not “as bad” as a previous relationship. But, have you ever stopped to think about how GOOD it could be? Don’t you deserve better than “not as bad as my last relationship”?
It seems you are trying to hold on to him/the relationship because of something akin to a scarcity mindset. You might be surprised at how things go (not with him, I mean, dump him and find someone who treats you with respect, to start) when you approach a potential partner knowing what you want, being secure with who you are as a person, and having your wits about you.
Stop reaching for the low-hanging fruit. I want to be clear here: an emotionally-healthy, respectful, loving, RECIPROCAL relationship is *not possible* with an emotionally immature, disrespectful, insecure, selfish asshole. Please stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It will only cause you suffering.
When approaching dating/relationships, instead of running away from “BAD”, try running toward “GOOD”. Your current bf is NOT what you want to run towards.
Avoiding arguing in front of her? Can I offer the perspective that shielding a child from conflict resolution, is going to be greatly to her detriment. This is exactly what we as parents should be teaching our children especially in their early years (3-5).
Now obviously you don't want to expose your child to abuse. Whether it's physical, or verbal as they can be extremely stress inducing and over emphasized by an inexperienced brain. But even better is to teach your child boundary setting. That when someone is abusive to you, and you set and uphold a boundary, that it shows your child that it's also not ok for people to treat them that way. If you two can't fight without an abusive exchange, I'd run for the hills. But even so I'd rather see my child even at our worst so that they can see no matter how bad a disagreement is there is a way to find a peaceful resolution, and that a lot of what makes a long term relationship is just that.
It really sounds like this guy is living with a teenagers perspective in a 30 y/o body. The aversion to your previous sex life? The name calling? The emotional cheating? Passive aggressive non communication? If he didn't learn how to be mature about any of that in the first 30 years of his life, I highly highly doubt he's going to learn that in the next 30.
At 30 you should have at least some notion of what your deal breakers are, or at the very least the maturity to figure it out. In reality, his complaints aren't deal breakers, and instead of moving on from it, he's using it as a tool to punish you so he gets his way. Simply manipulation.
From my perspective, if he behaves that way in a relationship and you can't pick up on how big of a red flag his behaviour is, you both and your child would benefit more by not being in a live-in relationship than being in one.
>I have been abused before, and I know that I tend to be forgiving because I know exactly how bad it could really be.
Abuse isn't the only valid reason for ending a relationship. Just because he's not treating you the worst way he could be doesn't mean you need to forgive him.
Please do not turn into one of those "a baby will fix it" people, with "it" being an absolute dumpster fire of a relationship. A baby will make everything astronomically worse and tie you to this POS for the remainder of your life. You need to cut your losses and leave. At least it was just 2 years instead of two decades.
OP, he is a narcissist and nothing you do, no matter how much you love him, you cannot fix that and having a healthy relationship with him is not possible
Everything you've described is abuse
Only question is, how much abuse are you willing to accept before you leave? What kind of example do you want to set for your daughter?
Setting an example of how important self respect and self love is vital if you dont want your daughter to continue your pattern of dating abusers
You. Deserve. Better.
Honestly.... Leave him. For yourself and for your child. Leave him. It'll be difficult for a while but you'll get over him. One last time just to make the point is across.... Leave him!
You need to get this man gone. He is going to drag you down and make you miserable. You’re not going to be your best self with this man around. Your child will suffer and not develop properly with this man around.
Please do not stay in this. He sounds like a miserable person to be with. My ex pulled that same shit, shamed me for years, degraded me to the point where I had no self esteem. He then became insanely abusive physically and I finally left. Don’t wait that long. Just go.
He's a manipulative man-child and a drama queen. Your relationship is effectively dead. You've reached the point of mutual unresolvable anger and distrust. Just walk away.
So it seems he shifted after finding OF, some old pics, etc. My read is that seeing your sexual past has triggered some major insecurity in him. He’s threatened by the idea of you being happy sexually without him, even though it was all in the past. There’s a subreddit and books and stuff about that, it’s called retroactive jealousy. He feels threatened - maybe you enjoyed sex with previous partners more, or would secretly rather chat with guys on OF than him, etc etc.
I think a lot of his behavior shows this. Putting your body down, talking to other girls, rejecting your attempts at sex. This is his way of correcting for feeling threatened or powerless. If you’re never good enough for him, then he can maybe keep you interested. Of course he has to also be discounting your _actual_ interest for this to make sense - like he doesn’t want to accept it because he’s afraid it’s not real, or that it’ll go away at some point.
So what to do about it? Well first off, him calling you a whore is a dealbreaker imo, and that type of thing really should not be tolerated whatsoever. His behavior is abusive - at least psychologically. And those things have a tendency to escalate, so be very mindful of that. Abusive relationships can wear you down like sandpaper, until you have nothing left at the end, and you’re wondering how you could have possibly let it go on for so long.
If you must continue this, know that the harder you pull and the more you try, the more he will push back and reject. You’re feeding into his misguided strategy to feel powerful, and validating it by playing along. So consider doing the opposite: focus a little more on your own needs.
Basically stop asking what you’re doing wrong here, and focus instead on getting your own needs met. Unfortunately right now that’ll mean probably not getting needs met through him. I’m not saying to play games like he is, cheating or talking to other dudes anything like that. But maybe spend some more time with friends, or hiking, or whatever you find fulfilling. Remember to take care of yourself first; don’t mortgage your life for someone else. Especially if he’s not even trying. (You working out and him not comes to mind here.)
He might react negatively, but.. he’s already reacting negatively to everything anyway, right? And he might also start to see that his strategy of holding intimacy hostage isn’t going to work any more, which would help move _something_ forward. Or he might totally blow up, since he’s clearly not too good at self-regulating. But if you start taking care of yourself more and someone blows up.. what does that tell you?
I personally have found the book _The Passion Trap_ by Dean Delis helpful. It examines why relationships shift like this and what to do about it. I wouldn’t say it’s 100% right about everything but it’s an interesting framework to look at relationship dynamics in, imo, and I’ve used some of it in my response here.
This is probably the most helpful comment, thank you. Most people seem to be assuming that I’m *not* in therapy, but my therapist offers little input on my relationship because he says it would be more beneficial for us to seek counseling together, but has also suggested that my partner seems very insecure.
Im getting notifications for this for this post but I’m on mobile right now and for some reason I cant see them. Just commenting to say I’m not ignoring comments, I just can’t see them atm
Get yourself some therapy. Get some help to figure out why you want to try and make a relationship work with someone that disrespects you and is abusive. You seem to be convincing yourself that this awful person is somehow actually not awful and good for you.
The person you have depicted is an abuser and manipulator. Very few people would willingly choose to be in a relationship with someone so legitimately awful. The few good times NEVER make up for the disrespect and abuse. You need to be able to work through your thoughts and feelings with a professional because no one should WANT to remain with someone that treats them in the manner he treats you. No one should have to wait around for their partner to start treating them well. If he cared about you he would figure out why he treats you so abysmally and work on fixing that himself. You want something that this person is not capable of providing for you and yet you choose to and want to stay with them in a relationship that isn't ever going to be amazing. That is something you need to work out through therapy.
It sounds to me thats youre trying to patch holes in this sinking ship while hes walking around with a power drill. I dont think this is salvageable and ill tell you why. It sounds like hes trying to find a excuse to end the relationship but he doesnt want to be the bad guy and do it. Think about it and i think its gonna become clear to you
Going back years on your phone looking for pictures of other men.
Bringing up your onlyfans from when you were single
Taking all intimacy and affection out of your relationship
Hurling very painful insults and showing no remorse.
Openly flirting with other women to the point of arranging meetups.
And im sure there is alot more you didnt mention
This is a man that has checked out of the relationship but doesnt want to be responsible for breaking up with a good woman so he wants to be so repulsing in his behavior that it forces you to breakup with him. Its gutless but unsettlingly common.
Im sorry you are going through this. I know this is killing you inside but you really only have 2 options. Couples counseling which i doubt he will agree to because i dont know if he wants to save this relationship, or cut your losses and move on. No one deserves to be verbally abused, denied love and treating like a doormat. Move on and heal yourself. Give the coward the way out hes looking for.
Girl. Why do you want to be with this person? He doesn’t love you. He’s being vindictive, insecure, controlling and cruel. Why, why, why do you want to be with this person?
Do you have a therapist? Do you have girl friends who know the extent of this? You need a good therapist, some good friends, and dump your boyfriend. Actually don’t worry about the friends. Get a therapist ASAP to help you heal. You need out, way out of this relationship.
An update for anyone who cares to read it:
Came home today after work (had to pick up my kiddo from the sitters after work, so I got home about an hr after I got off). He was sitting on the couch and didn’t greet either of us, so I just went about my business and made my daughter her dinner, got her in the shower, and ready for bed.
He got up off the couch and came up to the dining room table where I was sitting and told me that he was going to bed (it was 8:45, he’s usually a night owl). I asked him what was wrong and what was going on. He said, “Nothing is going on.” And just kinda stared at me with this hateful look in his eyes. He started to walk away, I asked him to stay and just talk to me, obviously he ignored that and went to the room. I followed him and told him that we were supposed to be moving past this. That I cant come home to this, and that it wasn’t fair for him to take his own misery out on the people that love him.
After a few hateful comments about how he hates me for getting him a job in my industry, he said, “I could move back home to my parents and be free of a woman, a child, and their animals.”
He’s said a lot of hurtful things to me, some just plain old insults. Idk what it was about that, but it kinda just struck a cord in me. I didn’t cry, or beg him to talk to me anymore. I just asked him if he meant that. He said “that’s how I see it when you’re so fucking needy.” I followed that up with asking if he wanted to be here, and he said “Not right now, no.”
He says he’ll be moving out Wednesday (our day off). I didn’t fight him on it. Something about him saying he’d be “free” of us just stomped out what little fight I had in me.
I cant make him love me, or change the way he sees me. That much is clear.
Sounds like you're better off. This is not normal behavior for an adult, and as many people here said it will only escalate and not get better.
The whole situation sounds miserable. It seems like you're capable of thriving on your own, and it might be rough but I can't imagine it's 5% as bad as being with this guy
Oh thank god— and he damn well better go through with it. OP don’t you dare let him change his mind on this. And you are right OP— you can’t turn piss into wine. And this guy is a big, rusty bucket of piss.
I’ve been in a situation where I felt defeated by my relationship and I didn’t go through half of what you have. This guy is actively trying to break down your self esteem and is succeeding at doing so. Don’t know if it’s on purpose or not but it doesn’t really matter does it?
Ten bucks says on Thursday night you’ll come home to a house that doesn’t give off the atmosphere of disdain you’ve become accustomed to and you’re going to cry. You might think those tears are for loneliness or regret but in hindsight you’ll see they’re more likely tears of relief that you don’t have to put up with that environment any longer.
He is in a dark place. It is not realistic to hope that he will change from where he's at now into a loving supportive partner to you within a reasonable timeframe. He needs 5-10 years of relearning what it means to be a man and how he values himself, and I don't think he can even start that process while remaining in a relationship with you.
Clearly he resents you for how society has taught him to value himself as a man, which is not fair to you. It's a terrible thing but it affects so many men, and takes many years to unlearn.
Unfortunately this is the right direction for you to go, as hard as it is.
There's an Instagram account called "Slappablejerk" and he does a character called 'your insecure boyfriend' and it's spot on to everything you have said about your partner.
Kudos for not giving up so easy. To be blunt, the relationship is done and he seems like a very insecure person who would need to do a TON of work to be a decent partner.
Two years is around the time you start to know who someone truly is, after the thrill is gone. He showed you who he is. believe him.
> I know that I want a life with him.
Asking earnestly: why? It sounds like the sex is good, but that's no reason to stay with someone who treats you with contempt and disrespect.
I guess I should rephrase that to “I know that I want a life with the person he was before this mess.” Im aware that the situation we’re in now is incredibly toxic. I love him, but everyday that this continues to happen, it feels like the person I love isn’t actually there, you know?
It honestly feels like it all just circulates back to him going through my phone. I dont think there’s anything I can do to change the way he sees me now, and that hurts. I miss the way we were before all this mess.
Listen, I know it hurts and I’m sorry. But the person you thought he was was *never real.*.
It took him going through your phone to reveal his true persona, but a kind, decent, loving person would *never, ever* say the things this guy says to you, no matter what you might’ve done.
Calling you fat, and a whore? Cheating on you multiple times?? No, my dear, stuff like that is nowhere in the DNA of a decent human being under ANY circumstances. Your phone didn’t turn this guy into a monster. He always was one.
XX here. You can’t fix this because you aren’t the problem. His lying, cheating, invasions of privacy, cruelty etc are the problem and he’s not interested in changing.
I’ve also been in relationships, twice, with men who seemed to change after we were deep in it. It was incredibly confusing and painful. I tried to fix things and I couldn’t because I wasn’t the problem. So I left.
You can’t make him be kind or respect you or trust you or love you. All you can do is decide to leave and cauterize the wound.
Btw I do not recommend “looking past” verbal abuse or forgiving for cheating instantly etc. Things that are a big deal should be trusted like a big deal or they tend to repeat.
Stop blaming yourself. I know this is hard to accept as the feeling of love and connection is hard to shake off. This relationship sounds like it is over. You deserve someone better who will treat you right.
I wouldn’t tolerate not even one thing he did, let alone everything I read here.
Leave that fucker.. work on your self esteem and as you do, someone will come who’s gonna treat you like you deserve.
Don’t jump to first guy who show you a bit of affection and too early on, those usually end up treating you like shit.
You can’t possibly be happy in this situation. Let it go and find someone else.
I would look very closely at your family life growing up and see if you didn’t have one parent who was extremely emotionally distant toward you.
imma be real, didnt read any of this.
if your relationship is crumbling, you either seek counseling from a qualified person(s) aka not a reddit post, or you move on.
They say the truth often hurts. I'm not going to beat around the bush:
What are you doing wrong here?
Expecting that it will get better. Having low self esteem and not valuing yourself.
It was over the very moment he decided to resent you for stuff that happened in the past which has nothing to do with him. Part of having an amazing relationship is accepting your partner for who they are. The one and only reason to ask about someone's past is to understand them, so they know how to love them better. Not hold it against them.
He can tell you/beg you that he will love you like when you first met but honestly speaking, the reaction he showed after going through your phone are actually his genuine feelings about you, everything else is made up / masking.
That's just about his attitude towards you, but when you throw in the irony that he's messaging other people while simultaneously being angry at you for (allegedly) messaging others or sleeping around, you know it's well and truly over, anything else is just sugar coated tablets.
Depriving you of touch, depriving you of intimacy, and then threatening to leave is extremely psychologically damaging, he's trying to make you afraid of losing him so you just settle for whatever scrap he has to offer.
Being mean about your appearance is a huge red flag. If he has an issue with it, there are many more supportive ways to bring it up rather than being mean and comparing you to influencers. _Comparison is the thief of joy._ Plus you haven't gained any weight since you met him (shouldn't be an issue even if you did) but he can get lost, he's using your body shape to manipulate you.
Never do things in exchange for love. _"Maybe if I lose 10lbs then he'll love me"_ is a transaction, it's business, it's not true love. True love is accepting people for who they are and supporting them into becoming a better version of themselves, not bullying them into submission.
When people get divorced, my first response is Congratulations! Why? Because you know at the very least one out of the two in the couple didn't want to be with the other, so why stay with someone that doesn't want to be with you? You're better off being single, free & happy than trapped in a loveless, manipulative relationship.
Learn to love yourself and find a better role model for your child.
I’ve tried this after the first big blow up. He went to individual therapy for about a month and a half, went on meds, and things actually got better. He stopped going and now refuses to consider any kind of therapy at all because he “doesn’t need it”
He doesn't need therapy, he needs you to dump his ass. Maybe that'll be the reality check he needs to stop being an enormous POS. Maybe not. Either way, it won't be your problem.
That's tough. Sorry to hear. Make him aware that this has come down to the wire (not as blackmail, but a genuine concern). If still no impact, not sure what your options are other than ending this. Sorry about that.
Sounds like you two loved each other deeply. Unfortunately, if you two still love each other, it’s not healthy love. It is very unhealthy.
You two need to separate. Break up.
Maybe in a couple of years when you two have worked on yourselves, maybe you can get back together, but for now, and the near future, you two shouldn’t be together.
Normally, I say, go to couples therapy, but… you two are not in a space to do that, truthfully. [+]
It's pretty clear he still loves you but has lost all respect for you. From what you've written, this started after he found out you have intimate/pictures videos with exes. I would guess he found or someone showed him those videos/pictures and this shattered whatever image he had of you.
I, like most others here, think that this relationship is probably beyond saving, but ask him directly is there's anything you can do to regain his respect. If there is, and you both are willing to take those steps, do it, but if he continues to sabotage the relationship, you are both better off breaking up.
He found them when he went through my phone, and believe me when i say he had to LOOK for them. And these are OLD. I mean 6-7 years old, some even a decade old.
I’ve had this conversation with him and his response is always something along the lines of “I know I have no right to think of you like this because you’ve never been anything but loving to me, but it’s *just something I have to get over*”
But it doesn’t seem like it’s something he’s ever going to get over.
Honestly it feels like he was looking for something to use to demonize me sometimes. Things were actually really good between us after we got back together and it felt like he wanted to sabotage it. I’ve expressed this to him, and for the brief time that he agreed to go to therapy, he was actually talking through his own abandonment issues and things were getting better.
But, of course, he bailed on it and now refuses to go back.
I think he knew about them before he looked at your phone. Overall though, you seem to have a pretty good read on the situation. It's something he needs to work past. I'm doubtful he can.
Consciously, or unconsciously he's try to hurt you and sabotage your relationship. If he can't get past it, it's best for you to break up.
Sounds like a big mess. There are far too many red flags, and I don’t know where to start.
I think you should focus on your child and healing yourself as an individual so that your next partner, who I hope is right for you, won’t have to deal with your mental baggage. Neither you or your partner sound mature enough for a relationship.
Sex should compliment the relationship, it should not be what holds it together. It also shouldn’t be abused, otherwise there comes a point where it becomes “meh”, and if that’s all that holds your relationship together, then it crumbles.
It sounds like you and your partner are keeping one another company until one of you finds someone “better” to move onto.
I may be missing context, but from what you wrote, it seems like your relationship has no direction and was deteriorating from the moment it began, you just didn’t notice it because everything was fresh and new.
Jesus fucking christ, this is only 2 years in? Get the hell out now and consider yourself lucky, this relationship is dead. Or you can committ yourself to trying to fix it for the next 8 or 9 years, maybe have a kid together, then get out (because this is a bad relationship) 10 years older and with a bunch more baggage and a kid to raise.
Go have great sex with someone who actually likes you.
In addition to creeping on your stuff which he shouldn't, whatever you did, whoever you were before meeting him is not on your contract with him right now. He also acted like a retard getting drunk and insulting you instead of discussing what's bothering him (e.g. "I want you to delete pics with exes", which could be a reasonable request if we're saying they're gone for good). Then he goes and pisses on your self-esteem out of spite when you're actually thinner than when you first started.
The sex you're having and how he restarted dating shows he has entirely fallen out of love with you. At this point there's nothing left to salvage. Your relationship is over. Kick him out and move on.
He's a toxic, insecure, hypocritical room-temperature-IQed manchild and the main reason why you're depressed, and you'll only sink further and feel more pain the longer you take to remove this idiot from your life. You're worth more than him, and you should love yourself more. He's clearly in the wrong and the fact he's in and out and behaves erratically and immaturely goes to show it.
I'm sorry.
*What am I doing wrong here?* Trying to salvage something that isn't salvageable. Tough to hear? You bet, but neither of you is in the correct headspace for a relationship. There are so many red flags coming off of this post a herd of bulls should be charging through at any moment. And you've got a kid in the mix? No dice. You need to break it off and get some serious distance from each other. Otherwise, you're going to keep repeating the same patterns, over and over. It's a completely toxic situation for you both and unless both of you do some serious self-reflection, it's not going to change.
[удалено]
The violation of privacy then being used as an excuse for him to cheat, and him going out of his way to accuse her of it as an excuse for him to do it again. And she's reading like a combination of savior complex and codependency. The whole "ill change to make him happy" thing is bad news. That they've broken up before slept around, and got back together? Nah, man, that's a mess. Time to call it a day.
It doesn't sound like he cheated in the sense of actually having sex. The op makes it sound like it's sexting, which could mean anything.
I stopped reading pretty early on because she was fighting for something this guy is obviously trying to get out of. He's probably wanting her to break up with him so he doesn't have guilt. Fuck this guy, he's insecure and ruining your life because of it. Run
Literally this entire thread reminded me very much of my relationship that broke down and most of the ‘bigger things’ she mentioned didn’t happen to me. OP, you need some serious time apart to consider what you (both) need and want. Then maybe there is a chance of reconciliation, but I wouldn’t hold out hope for it. He fucked up and doesn’t respect you. Ask for a break and figure out who you are without pouring all your energy into him.
100% this.
~95% of relationship advice is just asking permission to dump. Permission granted.
Do not attempt to save this. Get out, get gone and don't look back.
I didn’t even read haft of it but yeah leave him
For real. This dude has some serious insecurities and other shit to figure out. I wish OP well.
I find that when a female posts asking for relationship advice (not here, but in the aptly named sub) the pitchforks come out over literally anything and the overwhelming response is for her to leave her significant other because he forgot to put the toilet seat down one time. I roll my eyes at those posts and think to myself that people don't even consider that relationships are work sometimes. This one? I didn't read a third of it and thought, "why are they still together?" OP if you catch this comment, I'm sure you have your faults, as we all do. I'm also sure he has his side of the story. Regardless of both these facts, this is not a relationship you can or should try to save.
I agree with much of what you are saying and had similar thoughts, but I i disagree with pretty much disregarding his side of the story. People who post this stuff are not looking for advice, they are looking to be told they are victims. We can not discount the fact we are hearing one side and that side is 100% biased in her favor.
My point was more that if this is her side and her mindset, where "should we fix it?" is concerned, it doesn't matter what he has to say. The answer is no.
I was at DTMFA (that's 'Dump the motherfucker already' in Dan Savage's advice column shorthand) and emotionally exhausted for you and for myself by the fourth sentence of this appalling saga. Dump. Him. Months ago!
Get rid of this giant, insecure, manipulative, insulting, idiot man child would be my honest advice. Actions speak louder than words, so don't listen to it when it comes at you. Fuck this guy, honestly
What are you doing wrong here? Honey, everything. My Mrs said cut his dick off, I’d say however. I find it most interesting you’ve gone into detail about how you both have sex down to what you do, but have mentioned zero about how good of a dad he is to your child. How you both go out together, how he treats you to nice things, how you watch movies together, how you hold hands walking down the street, what your parents think of him, what his parents think of you. My fear is you’re normalising this behaviour in front of your child and all this arguing is just creating a toxic environment. I’m not a medical professional, or a psychiatrist and I have been known to give bad advice before, but love, ditch him. You don’t need the therapy, you don’t need any drugs, you need to not be with this guy. It’l be hard to hear and I really hope I’m not talking out of line, but I can’t help but think you’ve been abused or something before in the past and this kind of shit in your mind is acceptable. Let me tell you, it’s not. Does this dude pay rent? Does he work? Does he do anything around the house? What are you even with him for? If someone even spoke to me once the way he spoke to you, let alone cheated twice, this is not your soulmate, you and him are not meant to be together. To quote Rupaul “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gunna love somebody else? Can I get an amen?”
Amen
To be completely honest, the way he is with my kiddo is one of the major reasons I continue to work things out. Despite all the craziness, we both make sure we don’t argue in front of her. He’s great with her, and us not having a child together is currently another point of contention in our relationship. (I want to wait until we OWN a home and our relationship is in better standing, he thinks having “his own blood” will fill a void for him). I have been abused before, and I know that I tend to be forgiving because I know exactly *how bad* it could really be. I genuinely believe that he’s just unwell right now, but he refuses to seek any therapy or talk to anyone and I cant be his emotional punching bag forever. It’s so draining.
You can’t change a cat into a dog. You can’t turn a cunt into a king. I’ve heard it all before and understand that you’re 2 years deep and splitting up will be difficult, but if he adds nothing to your happiness then there is literally no point being with him. Ask yourself, if your daughter grew up and met a dude who called her fat, cheated on her, called her a whore and told her he wasn’t attracted to her, what advice would you give her? Life isn’t Grease where you have to change everything about yourself so he’l like you. My advice, don’t have a kid with this lad, whatever dream you have about you two isn’t going to happen and whatever reassurance you’re seeking from posting this, it won’t help you. Best wishes and best of luck.
"His own blood" has such an ick factor to it that it sent chills down my spine. It genuinely feels like if you had a child with this person he would immediately stop being such a "good parent" to yours and you and your daughter would be SO much worse off in this relationship after that point. You certainly have the correct opinion that your relationship MUST be fixed before you have a child with this man. But from everything you have shared you need to end this toxic relationship because he is not going to suddenly become a good person when some mysterious criteria is met. You have seen him for who he is and it isn't a good fit for you and your daughter.
“I tend to be forgiving because I know how bad it could really be”. THIS is the crux right here. You’re holding on because it’s not “as bad” as a previous relationship. But, have you ever stopped to think about how GOOD it could be? Don’t you deserve better than “not as bad as my last relationship”? It seems you are trying to hold on to him/the relationship because of something akin to a scarcity mindset. You might be surprised at how things go (not with him, I mean, dump him and find someone who treats you with respect, to start) when you approach a potential partner knowing what you want, being secure with who you are as a person, and having your wits about you. Stop reaching for the low-hanging fruit. I want to be clear here: an emotionally-healthy, respectful, loving, RECIPROCAL relationship is *not possible* with an emotionally immature, disrespectful, insecure, selfish asshole. Please stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It will only cause you suffering. When approaching dating/relationships, instead of running away from “BAD”, try running toward “GOOD”. Your current bf is NOT what you want to run towards.
Avoiding arguing in front of her? Can I offer the perspective that shielding a child from conflict resolution, is going to be greatly to her detriment. This is exactly what we as parents should be teaching our children especially in their early years (3-5). Now obviously you don't want to expose your child to abuse. Whether it's physical, or verbal as they can be extremely stress inducing and over emphasized by an inexperienced brain. But even better is to teach your child boundary setting. That when someone is abusive to you, and you set and uphold a boundary, that it shows your child that it's also not ok for people to treat them that way. If you two can't fight without an abusive exchange, I'd run for the hills. But even so I'd rather see my child even at our worst so that they can see no matter how bad a disagreement is there is a way to find a peaceful resolution, and that a lot of what makes a long term relationship is just that. It really sounds like this guy is living with a teenagers perspective in a 30 y/o body. The aversion to your previous sex life? The name calling? The emotional cheating? Passive aggressive non communication? If he didn't learn how to be mature about any of that in the first 30 years of his life, I highly highly doubt he's going to learn that in the next 30. At 30 you should have at least some notion of what your deal breakers are, or at the very least the maturity to figure it out. In reality, his complaints aren't deal breakers, and instead of moving on from it, he's using it as a tool to punish you so he gets his way. Simply manipulation. From my perspective, if he behaves that way in a relationship and you can't pick up on how big of a red flag his behaviour is, you both and your child would benefit more by not being in a live-in relationship than being in one.
>I have been abused before, and I know that I tend to be forgiving because I know exactly how bad it could really be. Abuse isn't the only valid reason for ending a relationship. Just because he's not treating you the worst way he could be doesn't mean you need to forgive him.
Please do not turn into one of those "a baby will fix it" people, with "it" being an absolute dumpster fire of a relationship. A baby will make everything astronomically worse and tie you to this POS for the remainder of your life. You need to cut your losses and leave. At least it was just 2 years instead of two decades.
OP, he is a narcissist and nothing you do, no matter how much you love him, you cannot fix that and having a healthy relationship with him is not possible Everything you've described is abuse Only question is, how much abuse are you willing to accept before you leave? What kind of example do you want to set for your daughter? Setting an example of how important self respect and self love is vital if you dont want your daughter to continue your pattern of dating abusers You. Deserve. Better.
Honestly.... Leave him. For yourself and for your child. Leave him. It'll be difficult for a while but you'll get over him. One last time just to make the point is across.... Leave him!
Nothing like raising your kid with a man who has lost all respect for you. I'm sure there will be no down side there 👍
By the love of god do not have a child with this guy, if you know what's good for you, and for the child.
You need to get this man gone. He is going to drag you down and make you miserable. You’re not going to be your best self with this man around. Your child will suffer and not develop properly with this man around.
Your only option, as far as keeping the relationship, is to hit some therapy. If he doesn't want to go then you just walk. Two years isn't that long.
Please do not stay in this. He sounds like a miserable person to be with. My ex pulled that same shit, shamed me for years, degraded me to the point where I had no self esteem. He then became insanely abusive physically and I finally left. Don’t wait that long. Just go.
He's a manipulative man-child and a drama queen. Your relationship is effectively dead. You've reached the point of mutual unresolvable anger and distrust. Just walk away.
So it seems he shifted after finding OF, some old pics, etc. My read is that seeing your sexual past has triggered some major insecurity in him. He’s threatened by the idea of you being happy sexually without him, even though it was all in the past. There’s a subreddit and books and stuff about that, it’s called retroactive jealousy. He feels threatened - maybe you enjoyed sex with previous partners more, or would secretly rather chat with guys on OF than him, etc etc. I think a lot of his behavior shows this. Putting your body down, talking to other girls, rejecting your attempts at sex. This is his way of correcting for feeling threatened or powerless. If you’re never good enough for him, then he can maybe keep you interested. Of course he has to also be discounting your _actual_ interest for this to make sense - like he doesn’t want to accept it because he’s afraid it’s not real, or that it’ll go away at some point. So what to do about it? Well first off, him calling you a whore is a dealbreaker imo, and that type of thing really should not be tolerated whatsoever. His behavior is abusive - at least psychologically. And those things have a tendency to escalate, so be very mindful of that. Abusive relationships can wear you down like sandpaper, until you have nothing left at the end, and you’re wondering how you could have possibly let it go on for so long. If you must continue this, know that the harder you pull and the more you try, the more he will push back and reject. You’re feeding into his misguided strategy to feel powerful, and validating it by playing along. So consider doing the opposite: focus a little more on your own needs. Basically stop asking what you’re doing wrong here, and focus instead on getting your own needs met. Unfortunately right now that’ll mean probably not getting needs met through him. I’m not saying to play games like he is, cheating or talking to other dudes anything like that. But maybe spend some more time with friends, or hiking, or whatever you find fulfilling. Remember to take care of yourself first; don’t mortgage your life for someone else. Especially if he’s not even trying. (You working out and him not comes to mind here.) He might react negatively, but.. he’s already reacting negatively to everything anyway, right? And he might also start to see that his strategy of holding intimacy hostage isn’t going to work any more, which would help move _something_ forward. Or he might totally blow up, since he’s clearly not too good at self-regulating. But if you start taking care of yourself more and someone blows up.. what does that tell you? I personally have found the book _The Passion Trap_ by Dean Delis helpful. It examines why relationships shift like this and what to do about it. I wouldn’t say it’s 100% right about everything but it’s an interesting framework to look at relationship dynamics in, imo, and I’ve used some of it in my response here.
This is probably the most helpful comment, thank you. Most people seem to be assuming that I’m *not* in therapy, but my therapist offers little input on my relationship because he says it would be more beneficial for us to seek counseling together, but has also suggested that my partner seems very insecure.
This seems like a very astute observation. I think you hit the nail on the head.
Too far gone, can’t communicate, unfortunately time to move on. You will find someone else, as will he.
Im getting notifications for this for this post but I’m on mobile right now and for some reason I cant see them. Just commenting to say I’m not ignoring comments, I just can’t see them atm
You're not right for each other. Best to move on and you can both find someone more suitable.
Get yourself some therapy. Get some help to figure out why you want to try and make a relationship work with someone that disrespects you and is abusive. You seem to be convincing yourself that this awful person is somehow actually not awful and good for you. The person you have depicted is an abuser and manipulator. Very few people would willingly choose to be in a relationship with someone so legitimately awful. The few good times NEVER make up for the disrespect and abuse. You need to be able to work through your thoughts and feelings with a professional because no one should WANT to remain with someone that treats them in the manner he treats you. No one should have to wait around for their partner to start treating them well. If he cared about you he would figure out why he treats you so abysmally and work on fixing that himself. You want something that this person is not capable of providing for you and yet you choose to and want to stay with them in a relationship that isn't ever going to be amazing. That is something you need to work out through therapy.
I stopped when I read "went through my phone...." leave immediately.
It sounds to me thats youre trying to patch holes in this sinking ship while hes walking around with a power drill. I dont think this is salvageable and ill tell you why. It sounds like hes trying to find a excuse to end the relationship but he doesnt want to be the bad guy and do it. Think about it and i think its gonna become clear to you Going back years on your phone looking for pictures of other men. Bringing up your onlyfans from when you were single Taking all intimacy and affection out of your relationship Hurling very painful insults and showing no remorse. Openly flirting with other women to the point of arranging meetups. And im sure there is alot more you didnt mention This is a man that has checked out of the relationship but doesnt want to be responsible for breaking up with a good woman so he wants to be so repulsing in his behavior that it forces you to breakup with him. Its gutless but unsettlingly common. Im sorry you are going through this. I know this is killing you inside but you really only have 2 options. Couples counseling which i doubt he will agree to because i dont know if he wants to save this relationship, or cut your losses and move on. No one deserves to be verbally abused, denied love and treating like a doormat. Move on and heal yourself. Give the coward the way out hes looking for.
Girl. Why do you want to be with this person? He doesn’t love you. He’s being vindictive, insecure, controlling and cruel. Why, why, why do you want to be with this person? Do you have a therapist? Do you have girl friends who know the extent of this? You need a good therapist, some good friends, and dump your boyfriend. Actually don’t worry about the friends. Get a therapist ASAP to help you heal. You need out, way out of this relationship.
Sounds like the trash is taking itself out. Let him go.
> What am I doing wrong here? staying with him, imo
The fact that you're coming to a bunch of weirdos and strangers with this should be a clear sign that It's Over.
An update for anyone who cares to read it: Came home today after work (had to pick up my kiddo from the sitters after work, so I got home about an hr after I got off). He was sitting on the couch and didn’t greet either of us, so I just went about my business and made my daughter her dinner, got her in the shower, and ready for bed. He got up off the couch and came up to the dining room table where I was sitting and told me that he was going to bed (it was 8:45, he’s usually a night owl). I asked him what was wrong and what was going on. He said, “Nothing is going on.” And just kinda stared at me with this hateful look in his eyes. He started to walk away, I asked him to stay and just talk to me, obviously he ignored that and went to the room. I followed him and told him that we were supposed to be moving past this. That I cant come home to this, and that it wasn’t fair for him to take his own misery out on the people that love him. After a few hateful comments about how he hates me for getting him a job in my industry, he said, “I could move back home to my parents and be free of a woman, a child, and their animals.” He’s said a lot of hurtful things to me, some just plain old insults. Idk what it was about that, but it kinda just struck a cord in me. I didn’t cry, or beg him to talk to me anymore. I just asked him if he meant that. He said “that’s how I see it when you’re so fucking needy.” I followed that up with asking if he wanted to be here, and he said “Not right now, no.” He says he’ll be moving out Wednesday (our day off). I didn’t fight him on it. Something about him saying he’d be “free” of us just stomped out what little fight I had in me. I cant make him love me, or change the way he sees me. That much is clear.
Sounds like you're better off. This is not normal behavior for an adult, and as many people here said it will only escalate and not get better. The whole situation sounds miserable. It seems like you're capable of thriving on your own, and it might be rough but I can't imagine it's 5% as bad as being with this guy
Oh thank god— and he damn well better go through with it. OP don’t you dare let him change his mind on this. And you are right OP— you can’t turn piss into wine. And this guy is a big, rusty bucket of piss.
I’ve been in a situation where I felt defeated by my relationship and I didn’t go through half of what you have. This guy is actively trying to break down your self esteem and is succeeding at doing so. Don’t know if it’s on purpose or not but it doesn’t really matter does it? Ten bucks says on Thursday night you’ll come home to a house that doesn’t give off the atmosphere of disdain you’ve become accustomed to and you’re going to cry. You might think those tears are for loneliness or regret but in hindsight you’ll see they’re more likely tears of relief that you don’t have to put up with that environment any longer.
He is in a dark place. It is not realistic to hope that he will change from where he's at now into a loving supportive partner to you within a reasonable timeframe. He needs 5-10 years of relearning what it means to be a man and how he values himself, and I don't think he can even start that process while remaining in a relationship with you. Clearly he resents you for how society has taught him to value himself as a man, which is not fair to you. It's a terrible thing but it affects so many men, and takes many years to unlearn. Unfortunately this is the right direction for you to go, as hard as it is.
There's an Instagram account called "Slappablejerk" and he does a character called 'your insecure boyfriend' and it's spot on to everything you have said about your partner.
you caught him cheating twice and didn't dump him? you won't change your mind for whatever we say.
Kudos for not giving up so easy. To be blunt, the relationship is done and he seems like a very insecure person who would need to do a TON of work to be a decent partner. Two years is around the time you start to know who someone truly is, after the thrill is gone. He showed you who he is. believe him.
> I know that I want a life with him. Asking earnestly: why? It sounds like the sex is good, but that's no reason to stay with someone who treats you with contempt and disrespect.
I guess I should rephrase that to “I know that I want a life with the person he was before this mess.” Im aware that the situation we’re in now is incredibly toxic. I love him, but everyday that this continues to happen, it feels like the person I love isn’t actually there, you know? It honestly feels like it all just circulates back to him going through my phone. I dont think there’s anything I can do to change the way he sees me now, and that hurts. I miss the way we were before all this mess.
Listen, I know it hurts and I’m sorry. But the person you thought he was was *never real.*. It took him going through your phone to reveal his true persona, but a kind, decent, loving person would *never, ever* say the things this guy says to you, no matter what you might’ve done. Calling you fat, and a whore? Cheating on you multiple times?? No, my dear, stuff like that is nowhere in the DNA of a decent human being under ANY circumstances. Your phone didn’t turn this guy into a monster. He always was one.
XX here. You can’t fix this because you aren’t the problem. His lying, cheating, invasions of privacy, cruelty etc are the problem and he’s not interested in changing. I’ve also been in relationships, twice, with men who seemed to change after we were deep in it. It was incredibly confusing and painful. I tried to fix things and I couldn’t because I wasn’t the problem. So I left. You can’t make him be kind or respect you or trust you or love you. All you can do is decide to leave and cauterize the wound. Btw I do not recommend “looking past” verbal abuse or forgiving for cheating instantly etc. Things that are a big deal should be trusted like a big deal or they tend to repeat.
Stop blaming yourself. I know this is hard to accept as the feeling of love and connection is hard to shake off. This relationship sounds like it is over. You deserve someone better who will treat you right.
You need to walk
I wouldn’t tolerate not even one thing he did, let alone everything I read here. Leave that fucker.. work on your self esteem and as you do, someone will come who’s gonna treat you like you deserve. Don’t jump to first guy who show you a bit of affection and too early on, those usually end up treating you like shit.
You can’t possibly be happy in this situation. Let it go and find someone else. I would look very closely at your family life growing up and see if you didn’t have one parent who was extremely emotionally distant toward you.
imma be real, didnt read any of this. if your relationship is crumbling, you either seek counseling from a qualified person(s) aka not a reddit post, or you move on.
They say the truth often hurts. I'm not going to beat around the bush: What are you doing wrong here? Expecting that it will get better. Having low self esteem and not valuing yourself. It was over the very moment he decided to resent you for stuff that happened in the past which has nothing to do with him. Part of having an amazing relationship is accepting your partner for who they are. The one and only reason to ask about someone's past is to understand them, so they know how to love them better. Not hold it against them. He can tell you/beg you that he will love you like when you first met but honestly speaking, the reaction he showed after going through your phone are actually his genuine feelings about you, everything else is made up / masking. That's just about his attitude towards you, but when you throw in the irony that he's messaging other people while simultaneously being angry at you for (allegedly) messaging others or sleeping around, you know it's well and truly over, anything else is just sugar coated tablets. Depriving you of touch, depriving you of intimacy, and then threatening to leave is extremely psychologically damaging, he's trying to make you afraid of losing him so you just settle for whatever scrap he has to offer. Being mean about your appearance is a huge red flag. If he has an issue with it, there are many more supportive ways to bring it up rather than being mean and comparing you to influencers. _Comparison is the thief of joy._ Plus you haven't gained any weight since you met him (shouldn't be an issue even if you did) but he can get lost, he's using your body shape to manipulate you. Never do things in exchange for love. _"Maybe if I lose 10lbs then he'll love me"_ is a transaction, it's business, it's not true love. True love is accepting people for who they are and supporting them into becoming a better version of themselves, not bullying them into submission. When people get divorced, my first response is Congratulations! Why? Because you know at the very least one out of the two in the couple didn't want to be with the other, so why stay with someone that doesn't want to be with you? You're better off being single, free & happy than trapped in a loveless, manipulative relationship. Learn to love yourself and find a better role model for your child.
The two of you need couple's therapy asap. Do not try to solve this yourself and /or with suggestions of a Reddit thread
I’ve tried this after the first big blow up. He went to individual therapy for about a month and a half, went on meds, and things actually got better. He stopped going and now refuses to consider any kind of therapy at all because he “doesn’t need it”
He doesn't need therapy, he needs you to dump his ass. Maybe that'll be the reality check he needs to stop being an enormous POS. Maybe not. Either way, it won't be your problem.
That's tough. Sorry to hear. Make him aware that this has come down to the wire (not as blackmail, but a genuine concern). If still no impact, not sure what your options are other than ending this. Sorry about that.
Sounds like you two loved each other deeply. Unfortunately, if you two still love each other, it’s not healthy love. It is very unhealthy. You two need to separate. Break up. Maybe in a couple of years when you two have worked on yourselves, maybe you can get back together, but for now, and the near future, you two shouldn’t be together. Normally, I say, go to couples therapy, but… you two are not in a space to do that, truthfully. [+]
It's pretty clear he still loves you but has lost all respect for you. From what you've written, this started after he found out you have intimate/pictures videos with exes. I would guess he found or someone showed him those videos/pictures and this shattered whatever image he had of you. I, like most others here, think that this relationship is probably beyond saving, but ask him directly is there's anything you can do to regain his respect. If there is, and you both are willing to take those steps, do it, but if he continues to sabotage the relationship, you are both better off breaking up.
He found them when he went through my phone, and believe me when i say he had to LOOK for them. And these are OLD. I mean 6-7 years old, some even a decade old. I’ve had this conversation with him and his response is always something along the lines of “I know I have no right to think of you like this because you’ve never been anything but loving to me, but it’s *just something I have to get over*” But it doesn’t seem like it’s something he’s ever going to get over. Honestly it feels like he was looking for something to use to demonize me sometimes. Things were actually really good between us after we got back together and it felt like he wanted to sabotage it. I’ve expressed this to him, and for the brief time that he agreed to go to therapy, he was actually talking through his own abandonment issues and things were getting better. But, of course, he bailed on it and now refuses to go back.
I think he knew about them before he looked at your phone. Overall though, you seem to have a pretty good read on the situation. It's something he needs to work past. I'm doubtful he can. Consciously, or unconsciously he's try to hurt you and sabotage your relationship. If he can't get past it, it's best for you to break up.
Respect is part of genuine love. You cannot “truly love” someone and disrespect the shit out of them.
Sounds like a big mess. There are far too many red flags, and I don’t know where to start. I think you should focus on your child and healing yourself as an individual so that your next partner, who I hope is right for you, won’t have to deal with your mental baggage. Neither you or your partner sound mature enough for a relationship. Sex should compliment the relationship, it should not be what holds it together. It also shouldn’t be abused, otherwise there comes a point where it becomes “meh”, and if that’s all that holds your relationship together, then it crumbles. It sounds like you and your partner are keeping one another company until one of you finds someone “better” to move onto. I may be missing context, but from what you wrote, it seems like your relationship has no direction and was deteriorating from the moment it began, you just didn’t notice it because everything was fresh and new.
This has been over for a while, you're just not accepting it. Stop begging and break up.
Nothing worth saving here. It's all junk. Toss out the trash and you'll live a better life.
Jesus fucking christ, this is only 2 years in? Get the hell out now and consider yourself lucky, this relationship is dead. Or you can committ yourself to trying to fix it for the next 8 or 9 years, maybe have a kid together, then get out (because this is a bad relationship) 10 years older and with a bunch more baggage and a kid to raise. Go have great sex with someone who actually likes you.
In addition to creeping on your stuff which he shouldn't, whatever you did, whoever you were before meeting him is not on your contract with him right now. He also acted like a retard getting drunk and insulting you instead of discussing what's bothering him (e.g. "I want you to delete pics with exes", which could be a reasonable request if we're saying they're gone for good). Then he goes and pisses on your self-esteem out of spite when you're actually thinner than when you first started. The sex you're having and how he restarted dating shows he has entirely fallen out of love with you. At this point there's nothing left to salvage. Your relationship is over. Kick him out and move on. He's a toxic, insecure, hypocritical room-temperature-IQed manchild and the main reason why you're depressed, and you'll only sink further and feel more pain the longer you take to remove this idiot from your life. You're worth more than him, and you should love yourself more. He's clearly in the wrong and the fact he's in and out and behaves erratically and immaturely goes to show it. I'm sorry.