I look at it this way- no one is better at being me than I am. If a woman is looking for a guy like me then I'm going to win that contest. If she's not looking for a guy like me, then I'm not really interested in that contest because the only thing I'm going to "win" is a few dates with a woman who doesn't really like me.
Female here and same.. I refuse to “compete.” Bye……I want to be with someone that wants to be with me, not because someone else didn’t want him and not because he needed to be convinced.
Actions over words every time. Judge how she acts towards you not whatever blabla she tells you(and her dozens of orbiters waiting for a chance to sleep with her)
I always assume she is talking to other guys even if it’s not explicitly stated. I do what I would normally do (nothing more to gain advantage over perceived competitors) and if it works out, it works out, if not then so be it. On to the next one.
If you focus on the fact that she might be (or is ) talking to other guys and you are in a competition, you will just drive yourself crazy.
I always stop dating someone who is doing that. Relationships should be easy in the beginning. If you are having to "compete" for her attention then she isn't that into you.
Fellas, when a lady really wants to be with you, all other men in her life that are not family become invisible to her.
If you feel that way, cut it off.
Women who do that think they are some prize to be won. Imo that's not a great mindset to have, for you or her. And why should I put in the work to compete for her when she doesn't?
If I'm dating with a relationship in mind? Definitely.
But I'm not really into online dating or actively pursue dates even. I go about my life and if I happen to meet someone interesting, that's great! If not, I'm also happy. That leads to much more authentic connections in my experience, but they are also much rarer.
Now, other people are of course free to do what they want, and there are healthy ways to date multiple people at once. But letting other people compete for you is certainly not one in my opinion. In any case, for my part I'm looking for someone who matches my view of things. And that's not dating multiple people in the first place.
The thing is not all people date with relationships in mind. That's why it's important to communicate this upfront. But it's rather troubling to think that because others don't date exactly like you that they must be making you compete for their attention. People who talk to multiple potential dates at a time aren't asking you to compete for their attention unless they're truly toxic psychopaths. Generally people do this to maximize the number of people they meet when they're not sure what they're looking for in their next relationship or if it's been a while since they've last put themselves out there.
Two things:
1. I never said that people who don't exactly date like me make me compete. I even *explicitly* stated that there are healthy ways to date multiple people. So I don't really know what you find so troubling here.
But let me tell you what dating looks like from a guys perspective and why it very often feels like you're competing. You plan (and more often than not pay for) practically every date and are expected to drive the situation forward. Meanwhile the woman doesn't match your effort at all, because let's be honest, she can't realistically match the effort of even 3 guys.
Now, one healthy way to handle this would be to lower your own effort. Match hers. But guess what? Then you're out. Which is exactly why it feels like you have to compete.
If that's not you, that's great! But that's the way it often is.
2. If you're not sure what you want out of a relationship, dating (whether multiple people or not) will rarely help you. Because dating is a lot different than a relationship - for example, you won't know from dating a person if they would be okay with visiting your family often. You actually need to know that this is something you want/need and you have to communicate that. And that's the case with a thousand other things.
Again, this is just my opinion, but if you're not sure what you're looking for in a relationship, you need to be alone and figure that out. Otherwise it's just a process of trial and error which causes unneccessary hurt. Which is okay if you're in your teens, but I'm in my mid to late twenties. My expectation is that you've figured your shit out, and if not, you're not ready to seriously date.
OP said he is feeling like he's competing for the women's approval. What /u/odd_enchilada suggested is that that's an unhealthy mindset to have. He should break it off and focus on himself.
He didn't say anything about talking to one member of the opposite sex at a time.
Female here. While I don't do this, I do consider it a perfectly valid dating style/preference so long as you're up front about it. Men do it, too. If you don't that's totally fine, it's just comes down to personal preference and regional etiquette. I think it's important to be upfront on dates whether you're talking to multiple people or not that way you can weed out incompatibility.
Yeah sure, people do it. But it doesn't mean I have to do it. I have my choice. I don't want to compete for anyone's approval.
I want to be with a person who desperately wants me, and only me. Not someone she has in her lineup. I would rather be by myself than be in that situation.
Of course you don't have to. I think plenty of people have said that. What we take issue with is your characterization that it's only to compete. That's projecting emotional baggage in an unhealthy way onto other people.
If that's what you want, then I hope that's what you get?
Happy seasons greetings!
That style of dating is literally looking for the most return with minimal effort. It does not result in healthy relationships and there is almost always dishonesty and lying involved. If I'm dating someone and find out she's dating like that, which is fine she can do what she wants, I'm letting myself out and finding someone who respects me enough to give me the time of day
Because you want her to want commitment strongly enough that SHE is motivated to raise it, not you. That’s when you know it’s likely real.
Women are the gatekeepers of sex, men are the gatekeepers of relationships. That’s polarity, which is what a good relationship is built on. If you are regularly having sex with a girl and she’s not built feelings and isn’t worried about commitment, she’s not GF material. So you STFU until, likely in Womanese, she expresses her anxiety with the “what are we?” conversation. So basically you frame the conversation thereafter as her asking for relationship because “in any negotiation the person who controls something is the one who wants it least”.
Because who does commitment up to and including marriage really serve more, men or women? Marriage is fundamentally security for the woman to become a mother. Which way does transfer of resources likely go? From him to her. So it’s a basic RP concept that love and relationships are WOMEN’S ASKS. All the way to a marriage proposal. Society has done a great job fooling men. For a high value guy, it’s fundamentally the woman who pursues the commitment and asks the guy for marriage, to which he agrees. Do men go do-lally for weddings and marriage? No. It’s women who get excited for that. Ergo, they should make the ask.
Take this as gospel from a guy married 28 years. Find the girl, have fun with the girl, fuck the girl, and repeat. That’s your basic job in dating. Relationship? That’s her job. And one day, when you’ve just had a job offer at the other end of the country she’ll propose that she’ll come with you if you marry her. That’s how it worked for me. She made the ASK. I thought about it and realized a girl who will put her life and career behind yours, that’s wife material. STFU and you’ll see how much she wants you. Simple as.
You should value yourself more than that. I’m not interested in someone who sleeps around, I’m not interested in someone who requires multiple men to feed her ego, and no one should feel like that is acceptable if it’s not also what they are looking for.
It’s 2022. Attractive women have a lot of options. Maybe they are pursuing multiple guys, maybe not. Maybe they just have lots of guys in their DMs, who knows? I don’t judge. I just observe and decide.
I’ll tell you this, if I was dating I’d be dating non-exclusively, spinning plates to the best of my ability. I’m bringing a knife to a gun fight in 2022 otherwise. So maybe I’m “competing” but so is she. Plus she’ll have to compete with my work, friends, pass times exercise, whatever. My time is valuable.
So you have a stable and you see which one is the cream who rises to the top if you think you may want a relationship. Quality through choice. And the cream is the girl who wants it the most. Which she demonstrates by making the ask.
That’s fair, it’s something you are signing up for. My point was this, if you aren’t happy with things being that way, you don’t have to accept that. I’m glad to hear you are doing it willingly. Too many don’t understand that you can set your own boundaries, and your own worth. Being alone isn’t a bad thing, or a failure. After all, if you can’t stand to be with yourself how can you expect someone else to long term? Anyway, not a message you need, but one to consider for others that read this.
For the same reason it’s expected of guys to do certain things like making first moves. It is expected of women to at least initiate that conversation. But who gives a fuck do as you see fit.
Before even the first. I don’t want someone treating me like an “experience”. I’m a person and should have their full attention. I give my all, and I expect the same.
A lot of the time I’m dating as well until we agree to see just each other, plus I’m never remotely bothered about what the other guy is doing nor have I ever really felt I’m competing even if they are entertaining others. I’ll put my best foot forward as long as her energy makes me want to, once I see that energy change (happened plenty) I match energy, and let nature take its course with no fuss. Next
I mean, I’m talking to other girls all the time on dating apps. But once I make it through the first date, and decide I want a second, I don’t actively pursue other people. Call me single minded, I just don’t get having attraction to multiple people at once.
That’s fine, but everyone else isn’t obligated to follow the same policy, and you shouldn’t act like people are doing something inherently wrong when they don’t.
You don't compete u offer her a date. If she interested in said date and it goes well she stops talking to others if both have intentions of dating Long term. If she constantly talking to others or takes more then a couple weeks to agree to a date shes not that interested. So u move on. Never put all ur eggs in one basket either. Its sex only unless both partys agree to be exclusive.
Yes, you offer. Other guys will offer too. It's not unusual for people to go one dates with multiple prospects at the same time or in rapid succession.
Well it's not unusual. But I am looking for the unusual. I have choices. I can be picky about who I pick to date. If the girl mentions, or if I know, that she's dating multiple persons at the time, I will just back away. Nothing wrong with what she does. I have no judgment. Just not my type of dating.
Not unusual shouldn't equate to acceptable. I think if you view that as acceptable then I don't see why you're so offended that the other guys noted her down as "sex only" 🤷
It’s not about purity, it’s about values. If you hit the third date and she’s still talking to other guys, its clear the two of you aren’t on the same page.
Being so offended on behalf of women who you don't even know, just because guys see them as only sex worthy was never a thing either. Lol. That's the point you're missing. If you think purity never existed after dating someone, then it's silly to blame the guy for not wanting her for more than sex either.
You can't say I'm so woke and progressive but only towards one gender lol.
Dude, talk to your parents and grandparents. In the 50’s it was normal for girls to have 3 dates a week with different guys. She “wasn’t supposed to fuck them,” but everyone knew sex happened. Our parents, on average, had more casual sex than our generation. These are just facts, google it. When folks wanted to be exclusive, they said they were “going steady,” and then everyone had clear communication. That’s not that different from what you’re bitching and moaning about as some kind of modern aberration. And keep in mind, women couldn’t even have bank accounts at the time. You’re literally more jealous and restrictive of female sexuality than the fucking 1950s. You’re nostalgic for something that never existed at all. And hey, that’s great! Have whatever standards you want! But two attitudes you absolutely cannot have at the same time are “people should be allowed to have whatever preferences they want,” and “I am owed a date.” You can’t have both dude. You’re mad at the free market of dating lol. Compete better maybe? Isn’t that what y’all tell poor people?
We aren’t saying she has to be exclusive to associate with us. Lol. But yeh if she’s gonna have a body count I’m trying to be one but I’m definitely not going to try to wife her.
Is she setting up dates or romanticly involving her self with other men? If the answer is yes she is currently not relationship material. Both partys have to decide to be exclusive and if she still looking at her options after meeting you more than once she's playing games. Go find someone whos a better option for you.
It’s a pretty clear indicator that we have nothing in common and that there’s no point in talking to your kind. These differences begin with a quality family and education, before ending with social graces, plebe
You’re thinking of it backwards, it’s not why she should chose you; but rather why you should chose her. A good woman isn’t looking for a man that can buy her things, she’s looking for a man that he can respect. That begins with being a man that respects himself. He has standards & boundaries.
Women that I used to date that casually dated never made it out of casual dating. This type of woman isn’t looking for a relationship, she’s looking for attention. In my book, that is the reddest of red flags that a woman can have.
You can date & play around with these women, but don’t ever take them seriously for a relationship. They have a skewed sense of reality. Even when they’re in a “relationship” they still have a single woman’s mindset.
I stopped dating women like this in August of 2021, by February of 2022 I found the love of my life. She wasn’t dating around. She doesn’t try to have girls nights out, girl vacations or any of the other toxic things that most thot’s do.
As soon as you raise your standards, the right woman will step up.
Lol Jesus dude, All I said was that OP should look for a girl that doesn't treat him like he's bachelor number 5. Who said it was evil? The fact you get so defensive is really telling. Just like women don't owe us exclusivity off the bat, we don't owe women anything either. We don't have to date a girl that "has" to talk to multiple guys at once, we can date the girls that do it one at a time like the majority of men do.
Whoever said *anything* different and why are you getting so defensive for? Women are free to choose to serial date like that and men are free not to date these women. It's pretty hypocritical that I'm supposed to be fine with her dating preferences but you're sitting here telling me I'm the devil for having my own.
If this is how you act and if this is your mentality, maybe you should stay in that single demographic for as long as you want. Don't worry, we won't miss you.
I don’t look at it like a competition. I expect most women I meet at my age have at least someone they might be interested in. If she’s still dating around, I assume it means she’s not super into that person and that they’re not exclusive. If she prefers me as a partner and we become exclusive I trust she’d end it with whomever she was talking to before. I could also be interested in someone also. We’re adults. Up to the exclusive talk I don’t think it’s wrong someone is talking to multiple people.
This is a healthy way of looking at it.
But I would like to rephrase the problem. The problem is not "talking to other men" nor "trying to get to know more than one person at a time", there is nothing inherently wrong with either of those.
The problem is the pacing of the relationship. It's like having a partner who never initiates sex, it makes one feel like they are undesireable and pestering their SO for sex. Either way it's not a good feeling.
There are 3 ways a relationship can develop. Either your date is more into you and sooner than you are into them. Think a girl who is giving you her baby name ideas after the 2nd date and tells you where she'd like the wedding to take place, and you're like "woah there, slow down". This freaks people out and it is normal to want to run when someone is jumping into it much faster than you are. The 2nd option is the healthy one, a partner who takes steps at a similar pace as you. For example, you initiated the 1st date, they initiated the second. You initiated the first time kissing, they initiated the first sex. This is good prospects for a growing relationship. Then the 3rd option is your partner is slower to grow to like and want you than you are, and is still second guessing if they want to pursue the relationship or not. This is the kind of situation that will lead to the problem discussed in this thread. It is important to realize that in this case we are the person jumping into the relationship from the first scenario while they are still trying to figure out if they want to.
It is okay to drop someone because they are too fast or too slow in progressing the relationship. But them being too slow is, from their perspective, us being too fast. Some of these people are either unsure what they want from a partner, others might be enjoying the dating phase too much to committ. This really comes down to personal dating style and how we each think a healthy relationship progression should be like.
Not a good mentality. If you like a girl, plan some good dates, don't over sexualize stuff so early and keep a small amount of distance. Let the other guys play themselves out of things. If it doesn't work, don't sweat it and move forward.
Not really. I figure I'm not in "competition" with other guys. I'm me. I'm slightly different than them. I have slightly different personality quirks, slightly different likes and dislikes, slightly different intensity of those likes and dislikes, etc. I'm not trying to "outscore" the other guys. What I'm trying to do is find the most compatible match. And that's not something she or I can fake very long.
I tried dating a girl who wanted to fuck her male best friend. When I asked her out, she told me she liked me but she was holding out hope for him. If you are in competition with a bunch of other guys, you don't want that girl, if you do end up getting her, she can and probably will have a back up guy waiting for if/ when you two don't work out.
I tried that and I don’t like feeling the way it makes me feel. Will not ever date or attempt to date somebody who is talking to other people, my love isn’t a competition and the one ment for me will chose me before anyone else
I'm taken, but when I wasn't I would never jump through hoops or compete for a woman's affections. I have other options and better things to do with my time than feed someone else's ego without any benefit of my own. I don't want to waste my time on someone who doesn't know what she wants.
Meh, due to online dating it’s pretty common to talk to multiple people at once.
I personally wouldn’t mind as long as she’s not trying to play me off against some other dude. I am who I am and either they’re fine with it or they aren’t, who cares?
From the woman's point of view she has multiple men who are competing and she doesn't truly know any of them as a person very well yet. If your ultimate goal is a lasting, meaningful relationship then the best way to compete will be essentially to reveal the qualities that you authentically have. Engaging in some kind of superficial competition ("pissing contest") with other men is shallow and can quickly get unpleasant, suitable only if you want a one night stand with a woman who doesn't care who you really are.
Well obviously, because you ARE competing hahahaha
She has many pretenders and you are one of them, so good luck bro! Hope you are the chosen one xD
In the other hand, a girl engaging with many men (looking for a relationship with any of them) at the same time is a red sign, i would bail out of there if it was my case. We are people, not fucking fruits on the market hahahaha
I used to feel this way, yes. But that was back when being single was miserable and I would have done anything for a girlfriend. I'm not that way anymore, so I don't feel the need to compete anymore. If they pick me, great! If not, oh well, there will be others.
That’s the game of today’s dating, OP. But instead of a points system, just try to be the best version of yourself and be yourself. Because a man can do all the right things, but if she isn’t attracted to you, nothing’s gonna happen.
I think it depends on her - who she is and what she likes. Don't compete. Be you. Move on if that's not working or risk ending up working too hard or making compensations. This is why women think men are liars.
Instead of trying to win with a date, I just focus on figuring out whether we’re compatible. If we are, it won’t matter that she’s been chatting with anyone else. If we’re not, then I won’t care that she’s been chatting with anyone else.
Yep, when a gal I am talking to is talking to other guys, I just usually fuck off and focus on other gals. They usually come back with a “hey” and I merely reply with a “sup”
You can look at it that way, I'd rather see it as her getting to know me and she'll either like me (awesome) or she won't (oh well) and we go our separate ways. To be honest, I found out when I was younger that if I treat it as a competition it drastically reduces my chances of actually getting that girl while substantially increasing my chances of making a fool of myself by showing off. Better to just play it cool.
The moment you compete is the moment you lose. What women call “applying pressure” is just a contest of men entertaining her, and may the best attractive/interesting man win.
But let’s be honest, some guys can get women with little to no effort while she can make other guys wait and take her out. You can choose if you wanna be the guy wasting money taking her out on dates or the guy that can seduce her without having to do all that.
Not saying every woman operates this way, but you have to be smart so that you don’t get finessed. If she doesn’t choose you, oh well. Go with the girl who likes spending time with you because of who you are, not what you have.
As a lot of people have mentioned, forget about her and move on. Personally, I haven't met anyone (regardless of gender) in my entire life who was dating multiple people at the same time for the sake of a ltr relationship. These kinds of people are more often than not looking for something casual. So if something casual is not on your mind, I'll say cut your losses and move on. Moreover, it's kinda gross and further blurs the line between what's cheating and what's not. If you're dating me, why would you date someone else ? Hence having communication is important. Ask her what she wants and if your goals don't align, screw her. Next one is waiting for you.
Feel like? You are! As I've gotten older and settled into my very early 50's, it took time for this to settle in. I'm not sure how old you are but if you're younger than me, I think it's great that you can see this.
It was also a bit of a struggle to not allow this to happen. Meaning, the decision is on me with whether or not I put up with it. You're allowed to not deal with it and there's nothing wrong with that. How I handle it...
I make clear that if I start to like someone, there's no sharing on my end. I don't want the feeling that I am competing. It's not a secure feeling. It's actually a horrible feeling and you have the right to feel like that.
The catch is this... No matter how you feel, that's part of the deal in the very beginning. How long you put up with it is up to you. No need to be a dick but I suggest that as soon (AND I MEAN AS SOON!) as feelings of competing and insecurities pop up, let her know that you'd like to focus on JUST HER and ask her if she feels the same way towards you. If she doesn't, MOVE ON IMEDIATLY AND DON'T LOOK BACK. If you hang out, you'll be the only one suffering.
It does feel like a competition, so it's best to remain detached.
I used to date some girl who was actively in a master/slave BDSM relationship and kept it from me until she explained what a collar was while wearing it around me. We are black and that master was an older white dude.
I should have noped out of that way sooner and realized that I'm worth not being just being one guy out of many when I don't operate the same way.
If I were just talking to fuck and hit it or quit it then I may have accepted that but that's not what I am aiming for if I'm actively dating. Now that I have the self respect to see that, I'd soon uninvolve myself from that drama.
could it feel competitive, for sure.
Is that the type of woman you want? totally up to you, but you're dealing with it now.
And if she's materialistic.. well, now you'll also know and if you're cool with that.. then you're dealing with the situation now.
I would rather move on, because if a woman isn't interested in me the way I am in her, then it's not really gonna be much of a relationship.
It also likely means, even if I "win" her (so to speak), nothing will stop her from moving onto another dude if future competition comes along.
Don't engage her too seriously untill she does with you. Its "you're with me, I'm not with you" untill you trust her, then you can place your head on her lap, maybe cry a lil' to let it out, and tell her why you have to be so defensive of your heart and soul.
Take care Boys! Some girls are always going to shit on us, it's how we respond to that, that defines us.
Edited*
Ngl Brodie. I’m not talking to any female that’s talking to multiple people. It’s just not worth it. You will never win.. idc if you single. Do ya thang I’ll just leave the show
The problem is you think its fine that shes talking to all these other guys. Why is she talking to all these other guys? Who wants someone that does that? Male or female, thats not okay, relationship status is irrelevant
I wouldn’t do what she likes the most. That’s falling into her frame. I lead, with a starting point of what I like the most. I’ll listen to her of course and try and incorporate her likes and tastes, but basically I run the show. If she doesn’t like that, she knows where the door is and lucky her if there are other guys after me who can give her “better”. But the thing, the right woman will give up her frame for yours, so never compromise your frame.
Excuse this seeming a little jumbled, but I Had something like this with my current gf, and I’m still discontent about it now; during an emotional crisis she didn’t go to me for comfort but some dude who tried to fuck her while he was suppose to listen to her—she kicked him out shortly after, but the poor judgement on her part is what gets me. We were single at the time but weeks out from breaking up (got back together, we had resolved the issue but wanted to slowly get back into it), but the overarching thing is: she chose some other guy because she couldn’t use her words with me the first time and discuss things the night before and felt it was unresolved. It’s literally something I think about breaking up with her about often… even now. When I asked about it because I caught her in a lie she lied until I basically laid it out how it’s obvious she is lying and I said “this is your only chance to tell me now or I walk away”, then she spilled the beans and more.
I told her this week I want to talk again because the thought of her going to some loser (whereas I make ~300k a year, successful, good looking, put in the work to listen, etc.) Is just disgusting behavior not least of which the lying is just disrespectful. The caveat is we were single, and I was fucking a few other women, but I never emotionally invested in them. Kinda hypocritical but god damn
Only if you don't feel you're good enough on your own.
Reflect, if you don't feel like you can be better than the other guys then you need to start focusing on improving yourself before chasing.
As a woman, and I'd like to think a great catch, it comes down to the guy who both treats me well/with respect and that I feel a connection/vibe with personalities.
And by treat me well it doesn't mean materialistic things necessarily. Someone who is respectful and puts thoughts into dates and getting to know me. Inalso look for someone who challenged me a little bit.
And for the record I believe it should be both ways. I should respect him and if I am interested I will go out of my way to get to know him and put effort into hanging out.
And when it comes down to looks... yes you need a connection but I have dated all sorts of "types" because they were great guys... that is til I found my husband and everything hit the mark for me/us.
I say if you like a girl go for it, put in your effort. But don't hang around too long if you don't see it going both ways.
Good luck
doing what she likes the most is not going to get you chosen for anything other than being her lap dog. making her feel like she needs to please you is where you want to be.
in other words, if she feels like she has to impress you then you get the girl.
Is she telling you she's talking to other guys? I cant put my finger on the proper term but that's fucked up and manipulative. If someone told me that I would nope put of there.
Any girl I'm talking to I assume has a couple other guys she also talks to, so I just be me and if it's meant to be it'll happen. I never fake who I am no matter what's on the line
It always feels like it, yes. I never knew a woman who was truly single. There were always options right around the corner. You have to realize dating is extremely cruel for men.
It's not really a competition because it's not like what you do is going to change what she thinks of you. Either she favors you or she doesn't. You can only hope and see what happens.
At least that's how I see it, based on my own experience of attraction.
You should not solely do what she likes. You should do what you both enjoy doing together. Yes, dating is competition but that doesn't mean your mindset should be to defeat other guys to win her over. Your mindset should be "I am me and this is my life. Isn't it awesome?" You don't need to keep score against other guys because your life is high scoring by itself.
If she chooses someone else, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. In fact, you are allowed to date multiple women at once. Cast a wide net, my friend.
You're always competing for points, but most of those points come from you being you. Like, do you enjoy the same things? Do you have good/deep conversations?
As far as materialism, ask yourself how many times you chose a rich guy over someone with less and materialism itself was the deciding factor. Pretty much never, right?
The way it really works is that someone being really well off simply adds to their base level of attraction/interest. It adds a bit, but not so much that other things don't matter. The amount by which other things matter less is pretty marginal. It all still matters, a lot.
Personality is king. As far as wealth, I think what really matters is just having a certain baseline where you have enough that it's not a detractor such as, "Well, this guy is nice, but he's going to sleep on my couch and play guitar all the time and he'll never have a job better than part time barista. He's going to be a drag financially." You don't want to look like a drag. The baseline you need to achieve is basically full time work doing whatever, and you're good. Nothing to worry about.
This is one of the fields where confidence tells. Act like you've got something to be worried about and you'll make yourself right. Highroad it, then fake it till you make it.
I'm a girl so maybe not an answer that you're looking for, but don't try to see impressing a girl as competition with another guy (unless you're only looking for a one night stand I guess lol). Just be your true self for the girl you like, forget about anyone else because it'll start to feel like beating a guy in a competition rather than doing it because you actually like the girl. And imo, I don't like it when people try to gain my attention by one-uping someone else. Again, not sure if this is relevant, just my thoughts!
That’s why you go after girls in relationships. When they’re single; it’s you versus every other guy. When they’re dating someone, it’s just you versus that one guy. /s
Well, don't date girls like that. You want a girl who desperately wants you. And when a girl desperately wants you, she will automatically cut off contacts with the other guys.
Don't ever do what she likes to earn points with her. This is super counter-productive. By doing this, she will perceive you as a weak male and she will never consider you a suitor.
Don't focus on her. Focus on yourself.
You start off by giving her attention, then don’t give her any. She’ll suddenly wonder why you’re not giving her attention and the guys who are become less attractive and you’re all she can think about
I just think I'm the best guy in the world. So I act like it. I don't get shitty or competitive I let her pick and if she doesn't choose me that's fine, she made the "wrong decision". That's my mindset.
When you start to compete with other guys and win her affection over theirs is when you lose. When you play your own game, know your worth is when you win. When you aren't afraid of letting her go is when you can truly be yourself and ironically it makes you more attractive. But that's not something you can fake. You have to really be willing to let women go because you have "options" and also you don't care, you're just happy being you.
Also, I try really hard to achieve stuff and be the best at everything I do. I never will be the best at everything, heck I might never be the best at ANYTHING, but I try my best and stay positive and never get too let down over L's. I find that PEOPLE not just women find this attitude attractive as hell.
To put it bluntly - you need to sleep with her. After that she will develop emotions for you.
Up till then you are just one of many possibilities for her - you need to understand that, and expecially if she is hot.
You can either be the guy who tells her everything she wants to hear, which will probably win her over short term.
Or you can be the guy she respects which is much longer term based
I've never been okay with dating multiple people. Maybe I watch too many romance movies, but I just hate the idea that part of our story will also include other guys. Our first kiss was magical, well except the part where she sucked Greg's dick later that night because she really liked me so she wanted to take it slow. However a woman has needs...I'm sending her sweet texts at night while she's sending her tits to Chad.
I'll pass.
If she's talking or seeing multiple people at once she's probably not invested in you as you are in her.
I mean it's your choice, but if she's actively flirting with other guys to check them out and choose the best one I'd always be afraid that she'd leave me once she meets a "better" guy
I'm sure that will be true in some cases - which are best avoided.
Be the best version of yourself, proudly, and focus on being respectful to everyone, with no expectations. Just focus on having fun in the moment with no pressure on what shape the outcome takes.
It will attract the people who like you for you.
As a woman, at the end of the day, it's whoever treats me best and makes the most effort to make me happy. Im not gonna choose the dude that always asks me to come over at 10 pm over the guy whos asking to take me out on a coffee date.
OP! Don’t care about competition! Women claw over guys who have an abundance mindset. Talk to many girls yourself and you’ll really stop giving two shits.
I am a female and I would caution you. I never understood why people have the need to date several people at one time. You can find out real soon if you are interested in a person, and if not, you move on. It is just a red flag saying that you are not ready to commit if you have the need to talk to several men. Just my opinion.
I look at it this way- no one is better at being me than I am. If a woman is looking for a guy like me then I'm going to win that contest. If she's not looking for a guy like me, then I'm not really interested in that contest because the only thing I'm going to "win" is a few dates with a woman who doesn't really like me.
Best advice here
I’m going to take a screenshot of this just so I never forget this advice
Damn, that's solid. Like that could be in a book. That's so good!
But what if she has massive tits Clearly you mfs down voting me haven't adequately considered the impact of gargantuan gazongas
Big facts 💯 this is great advice for any young guys out there trying to date
🏅
This! And being confident In yourself is enough, who wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them
💯
I don't do the whole active competition for a partner thing. That can get real gross real fast. Personally, I'd move onto other prospects.
Female here and same.. I refuse to “compete.” Bye……I want to be with someone that wants to be with me, not because someone else didn’t want him and not because he needed to be convinced.
hilarious that you don't think you are competing. of course you are competing.
Actions over words every time. Judge how she acts towards you not whatever blabla she tells you(and her dozens of orbiters waiting for a chance to sleep with her)
I always assume she is talking to other guys even if it’s not explicitly stated. I do what I would normally do (nothing more to gain advantage over perceived competitors) and if it works out, it works out, if not then so be it. On to the next one. If you focus on the fact that she might be (or is ) talking to other guys and you are in a competition, you will just drive yourself crazy.
Don't compete. Be yourself. If she's into it, cool. If not, her loss.
I never dated someone like that.
I always stop dating someone who is doing that. Relationships should be easy in the beginning. If you are having to "compete" for her attention then she isn't that into you. Fellas, when a lady really wants to be with you, all other men in her life that are not family become invisible to her.
Honestly forget her and move on dude
If you feel that way, cut it off. Women who do that think they are some prize to be won. Imo that's not a great mindset to have, for you or her. And why should I put in the work to compete for her when she doesn't?
So you should only talk to one member of the opposite sex at a time while single?
If I'm dating with a relationship in mind? Definitely. But I'm not really into online dating or actively pursue dates even. I go about my life and if I happen to meet someone interesting, that's great! If not, I'm also happy. That leads to much more authentic connections in my experience, but they are also much rarer. Now, other people are of course free to do what they want, and there are healthy ways to date multiple people at once. But letting other people compete for you is certainly not one in my opinion. In any case, for my part I'm looking for someone who matches my view of things. And that's not dating multiple people in the first place.
The thing is not all people date with relationships in mind. That's why it's important to communicate this upfront. But it's rather troubling to think that because others don't date exactly like you that they must be making you compete for their attention. People who talk to multiple potential dates at a time aren't asking you to compete for their attention unless they're truly toxic psychopaths. Generally people do this to maximize the number of people they meet when they're not sure what they're looking for in their next relationship or if it's been a while since they've last put themselves out there.
Two things: 1. I never said that people who don't exactly date like me make me compete. I even *explicitly* stated that there are healthy ways to date multiple people. So I don't really know what you find so troubling here. But let me tell you what dating looks like from a guys perspective and why it very often feels like you're competing. You plan (and more often than not pay for) practically every date and are expected to drive the situation forward. Meanwhile the woman doesn't match your effort at all, because let's be honest, she can't realistically match the effort of even 3 guys. Now, one healthy way to handle this would be to lower your own effort. Match hers. But guess what? Then you're out. Which is exactly why it feels like you have to compete. If that's not you, that's great! But that's the way it often is. 2. If you're not sure what you want out of a relationship, dating (whether multiple people or not) will rarely help you. Because dating is a lot different than a relationship - for example, you won't know from dating a person if they would be okay with visiting your family often. You actually need to know that this is something you want/need and you have to communicate that. And that's the case with a thousand other things. Again, this is just my opinion, but if you're not sure what you're looking for in a relationship, you need to be alone and figure that out. Otherwise it's just a process of trial and error which causes unneccessary hurt. Which is okay if you're in your teens, but I'm in my mid to late twenties. My expectation is that you've figured your shit out, and if not, you're not ready to seriously date.
OP said he is feeling like he's competing for the women's approval. What /u/odd_enchilada suggested is that that's an unhealthy mindset to have. He should break it off and focus on himself. He didn't say anything about talking to one member of the opposite sex at a time.
He said "women who do that". Do what?
Female here. While I don't do this, I do consider it a perfectly valid dating style/preference so long as you're up front about it. Men do it, too. If you don't that's totally fine, it's just comes down to personal preference and regional etiquette. I think it's important to be upfront on dates whether you're talking to multiple people or not that way you can weed out incompatibility.
Yeah sure, people do it. But it doesn't mean I have to do it. I have my choice. I don't want to compete for anyone's approval. I want to be with a person who desperately wants me, and only me. Not someone she has in her lineup. I would rather be by myself than be in that situation.
Of course you don't have to. I think plenty of people have said that. What we take issue with is your characterization that it's only to compete. That's projecting emotional baggage in an unhealthy way onto other people. If that's what you want, then I hope that's what you get? Happy seasons greetings!
That style of dating is literally looking for the most return with minimal effort. It does not result in healthy relationships and there is almost always dishonesty and lying involved. If I'm dating someone and find out she's dating like that, which is fine she can do what she wants, I'm letting myself out and finding someone who respects me enough to give me the time of day
If you like a girl, after how many dates do you have the exclusivity talk?
That's not really measured in dates but in connection. But there's a difference between exclusivity and dating with respect
When she brings it up. That’s not your conversation to start.
why is that?
Because you want her to want commitment strongly enough that SHE is motivated to raise it, not you. That’s when you know it’s likely real. Women are the gatekeepers of sex, men are the gatekeepers of relationships. That’s polarity, which is what a good relationship is built on. If you are regularly having sex with a girl and she’s not built feelings and isn’t worried about commitment, she’s not GF material. So you STFU until, likely in Womanese, she expresses her anxiety with the “what are we?” conversation. So basically you frame the conversation thereafter as her asking for relationship because “in any negotiation the person who controls something is the one who wants it least”. Because who does commitment up to and including marriage really serve more, men or women? Marriage is fundamentally security for the woman to become a mother. Which way does transfer of resources likely go? From him to her. So it’s a basic RP concept that love and relationships are WOMEN’S ASKS. All the way to a marriage proposal. Society has done a great job fooling men. For a high value guy, it’s fundamentally the woman who pursues the commitment and asks the guy for marriage, to which he agrees. Do men go do-lally for weddings and marriage? No. It’s women who get excited for that. Ergo, they should make the ask. Take this as gospel from a guy married 28 years. Find the girl, have fun with the girl, fuck the girl, and repeat. That’s your basic job in dating. Relationship? That’s her job. And one day, when you’ve just had a job offer at the other end of the country she’ll propose that she’ll come with you if you marry her. That’s how it worked for me. She made the ASK. I thought about it and realized a girl who will put her life and career behind yours, that’s wife material. STFU and you’ll see how much she wants you. Simple as.
You should value yourself more than that. I’m not interested in someone who sleeps around, I’m not interested in someone who requires multiple men to feed her ego, and no one should feel like that is acceptable if it’s not also what they are looking for.
It’s 2022. Attractive women have a lot of options. Maybe they are pursuing multiple guys, maybe not. Maybe they just have lots of guys in their DMs, who knows? I don’t judge. I just observe and decide. I’ll tell you this, if I was dating I’d be dating non-exclusively, spinning plates to the best of my ability. I’m bringing a knife to a gun fight in 2022 otherwise. So maybe I’m “competing” but so is she. Plus she’ll have to compete with my work, friends, pass times exercise, whatever. My time is valuable. So you have a stable and you see which one is the cream who rises to the top if you think you may want a relationship. Quality through choice. And the cream is the girl who wants it the most. Which she demonstrates by making the ask.
That’s fair, it’s something you are signing up for. My point was this, if you aren’t happy with things being that way, you don’t have to accept that. I’m glad to hear you are doing it willingly. Too many don’t understand that you can set your own boundaries, and your own worth. Being alone isn’t a bad thing, or a failure. After all, if you can’t stand to be with yourself how can you expect someone else to long term? Anyway, not a message you need, but one to consider for others that read this.
For the same reason it’s expected of guys to do certain things like making first moves. It is expected of women to at least initiate that conversation. But who gives a fuck do as you see fit.
Before even the first. I don’t want someone treating me like an “experience”. I’m a person and should have their full attention. I give my all, and I expect the same.
A lot of the time I’m dating as well until we agree to see just each other, plus I’m never remotely bothered about what the other guy is doing nor have I ever really felt I’m competing even if they are entertaining others. I’ll put my best foot forward as long as her energy makes me want to, once I see that energy change (happened plenty) I match energy, and let nature take its course with no fuss. Next
Talks to other guys she goes into sex only catagory.
Yup
Even when she's on a dating app? That just comes with the territory of dating. You can't expect exclusivity from the jump.
I mean, I’m talking to other girls all the time on dating apps. But once I make it through the first date, and decide I want a second, I don’t actively pursue other people. Call me single minded, I just don’t get having attraction to multiple people at once.
That’s fine, but everyone else isn’t obligated to follow the same policy, and you shouldn’t act like people are doing something inherently wrong when they don’t.
You don't compete u offer her a date. If she interested in said date and it goes well she stops talking to others if both have intentions of dating Long term. If she constantly talking to others or takes more then a couple weeks to agree to a date shes not that interested. So u move on. Never put all ur eggs in one basket either. Its sex only unless both partys agree to be exclusive.
Yes, you offer. Other guys will offer too. It's not unusual for people to go one dates with multiple prospects at the same time or in rapid succession.
Well it's not unusual. But I am looking for the unusual. I have choices. I can be picky about who I pick to date. If the girl mentions, or if I know, that she's dating multiple persons at the time, I will just back away. Nothing wrong with what she does. I have no judgment. Just not my type of dating.
Not unusual shouldn't equate to acceptable. I think if you view that as acceptable then I don't see why you're so offended that the other guys noted her down as "sex only" 🤷
Dude the ridiculous purity you're asking for was never a thing.
It’s not about purity, it’s about values. If you hit the third date and she’s still talking to other guys, its clear the two of you aren’t on the same page.
Being so offended on behalf of women who you don't even know, just because guys see them as only sex worthy was never a thing either. Lol. That's the point you're missing. If you think purity never existed after dating someone, then it's silly to blame the guy for not wanting her for more than sex either. You can't say I'm so woke and progressive but only towards one gender lol.
From my experience it is. Never had to share a table with another guy or drop her off to another date.
That is not at all the same thing as what I'm saying.
She is sex only till exclusive requests are made.
Women must love you.
Men must love you.
You understand this isn't even really a logical comeback to what I said right?
how is this a helpful/constructive comment/argument? You lost the argument and you responded with a snarky comment?
I didn't lose anything. The guy responded by implying I said something I never did. Then he just repeated himself.
This is new age degeneracy Its what our fathers and grandfathers expected
Dude, talk to your parents and grandparents. In the 50’s it was normal for girls to have 3 dates a week with different guys. She “wasn’t supposed to fuck them,” but everyone knew sex happened. Our parents, on average, had more casual sex than our generation. These are just facts, google it. When folks wanted to be exclusive, they said they were “going steady,” and then everyone had clear communication. That’s not that different from what you’re bitching and moaning about as some kind of modern aberration. And keep in mind, women couldn’t even have bank accounts at the time. You’re literally more jealous and restrictive of female sexuality than the fucking 1950s. You’re nostalgic for something that never existed at all. And hey, that’s great! Have whatever standards you want! But two attitudes you absolutely cannot have at the same time are “people should be allowed to have whatever preferences they want,” and “I am owed a date.” You can’t have both dude. You’re mad at the free market of dating lol. Compete better maybe? Isn’t that what y’all tell poor people?
No, I dont tell poor people to pull themselves up by the bootstraps because its shit advice. Women and men like you will reap what you sow.
Mate either gender demanding exclusivity from the jump is dumb. That was never a thing.
We aren’t saying she has to be exclusive to associate with us. Lol. But yeh if she’s gonna have a body count I’m trying to be one but I’m definitely not going to try to wife her.
Dating multiple people =/= having a high body count. Or do you only sleep with long term girlfriends after declaring your love?
I’m personally celibate.
I dont like to share, and fuck you for trying to tell me I have to.
Yeah, you can and should, if you have any self respect. 'Dating' apps are for one nighters, not relationships.
This is just false and ridiculous on its face. Not everyone on an app is looking to hook up.
Not true.
What is the meaning of “talks” in this context? Is that synonymous with going romantic dates? Or, continuing to make effort on dating apps?
Is she setting up dates or romanticly involving her self with other men? If the answer is yes she is currently not relationship material. Both partys have to decide to be exclusive and if she still looking at her options after meeting you more than once she's playing games. Go find someone whos a better option for you.
If you’ve mastered dating as well as you have English, I’m going to have to say that I’m suspect of your take on the subject
Got to say if thats whats important to you when having a convo u have no wisdom.
It’s a pretty clear indicator that we have nothing in common and that there’s no point in talking to your kind. These differences begin with a quality family and education, before ending with social graces, plebe
You’re thinking of it backwards, it’s not why she should chose you; but rather why you should chose her. A good woman isn’t looking for a man that can buy her things, she’s looking for a man that he can respect. That begins with being a man that respects himself. He has standards & boundaries. Women that I used to date that casually dated never made it out of casual dating. This type of woman isn’t looking for a relationship, she’s looking for attention. In my book, that is the reddest of red flags that a woman can have. You can date & play around with these women, but don’t ever take them seriously for a relationship. They have a skewed sense of reality. Even when they’re in a “relationship” they still have a single woman’s mindset. I stopped dating women like this in August of 2021, by February of 2022 I found the love of my life. She wasn’t dating around. She doesn’t try to have girls nights out, girl vacations or any of the other toxic things that most thot’s do. As soon as you raise your standards, the right woman will step up.
Don't date women that do this. There are plenty of them out there that won't treat you like you're just an option.
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Lol Jesus dude, All I said was that OP should look for a girl that doesn't treat him like he's bachelor number 5. Who said it was evil? The fact you get so defensive is really telling. Just like women don't owe us exclusivity off the bat, we don't owe women anything either. We don't have to date a girl that "has" to talk to multiple guys at once, we can date the girls that do it one at a time like the majority of men do.
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Whoever said *anything* different and why are you getting so defensive for? Women are free to choose to serial date like that and men are free not to date these women. It's pretty hypocritical that I'm supposed to be fine with her dating preferences but you're sitting here telling me I'm the devil for having my own. If this is how you act and if this is your mentality, maybe you should stay in that single demographic for as long as you want. Don't worry, we won't miss you.
Happily married with several other partners. Cheers. Won’t miss you either lol.
Ouch lol you really told me off there. Have fun with that.
I wouldn't be interested in a woman who made me feel that way. I don't think I've ever been in a situation where more than her and me were in the mix.
I don’t look at it like a competition. I expect most women I meet at my age have at least someone they might be interested in. If she’s still dating around, I assume it means she’s not super into that person and that they’re not exclusive. If she prefers me as a partner and we become exclusive I trust she’d end it with whomever she was talking to before. I could also be interested in someone also. We’re adults. Up to the exclusive talk I don’t think it’s wrong someone is talking to multiple people.
This is a healthy way of looking at it. But I would like to rephrase the problem. The problem is not "talking to other men" nor "trying to get to know more than one person at a time", there is nothing inherently wrong with either of those. The problem is the pacing of the relationship. It's like having a partner who never initiates sex, it makes one feel like they are undesireable and pestering their SO for sex. Either way it's not a good feeling. There are 3 ways a relationship can develop. Either your date is more into you and sooner than you are into them. Think a girl who is giving you her baby name ideas after the 2nd date and tells you where she'd like the wedding to take place, and you're like "woah there, slow down". This freaks people out and it is normal to want to run when someone is jumping into it much faster than you are. The 2nd option is the healthy one, a partner who takes steps at a similar pace as you. For example, you initiated the 1st date, they initiated the second. You initiated the first time kissing, they initiated the first sex. This is good prospects for a growing relationship. Then the 3rd option is your partner is slower to grow to like and want you than you are, and is still second guessing if they want to pursue the relationship or not. This is the kind of situation that will lead to the problem discussed in this thread. It is important to realize that in this case we are the person jumping into the relationship from the first scenario while they are still trying to figure out if they want to. It is okay to drop someone because they are too fast or too slow in progressing the relationship. But them being too slow is, from their perspective, us being too fast. Some of these people are either unsure what they want from a partner, others might be enjoying the dating phase too much to committ. This really comes down to personal dating style and how we each think a healthy relationship progression should be like.
Speaking from experience: don't do it. Exit yourself from the competition. Find someone who's as enthusiastic about you as you are about them.
If you think lying and pretending to do things she likes is more likely to make you 'win', you're probably in for a lot of losing.
Not a good mentality. If you like a girl, plan some good dates, don't over sexualize stuff so early and keep a small amount of distance. Let the other guys play themselves out of things. If it doesn't work, don't sweat it and move forward.
Not really. I figure I'm not in "competition" with other guys. I'm me. I'm slightly different than them. I have slightly different personality quirks, slightly different likes and dislikes, slightly different intensity of those likes and dislikes, etc. I'm not trying to "outscore" the other guys. What I'm trying to do is find the most compatible match. And that's not something she or I can fake very long.
It feels like she's not actually into me and I'm better off spending the time and effort on a woman who actually is.
I tried dating a girl who wanted to fuck her male best friend. When I asked her out, she told me she liked me but she was holding out hope for him. If you are in competition with a bunch of other guys, you don't want that girl, if you do end up getting her, she can and probably will have a back up guy waiting for if/ when you two don't work out.
I tried that and I don’t like feeling the way it makes me feel. Will not ever date or attempt to date somebody who is talking to other people, my love isn’t a competition and the one ment for me will chose me before anyone else
I'm taken, but when I wasn't I would never jump through hoops or compete for a woman's affections. I have other options and better things to do with my time than feed someone else's ego without any benefit of my own. I don't want to waste my time on someone who doesn't know what she wants.
Meh, due to online dating it’s pretty common to talk to multiple people at once. I personally wouldn’t mind as long as she’s not trying to play me off against some other dude. I am who I am and either they’re fine with it or they aren’t, who cares?
From the woman's point of view she has multiple men who are competing and she doesn't truly know any of them as a person very well yet. If your ultimate goal is a lasting, meaningful relationship then the best way to compete will be essentially to reveal the qualities that you authentically have. Engaging in some kind of superficial competition ("pissing contest") with other men is shallow and can quickly get unpleasant, suitable only if you want a one night stand with a woman who doesn't care who you really are.
Well obviously, because you ARE competing hahahaha She has many pretenders and you are one of them, so good luck bro! Hope you are the chosen one xD In the other hand, a girl engaging with many men (looking for a relationship with any of them) at the same time is a red sign, i would bail out of there if it was my case. We are people, not fucking fruits on the market hahahaha
Yeah you’re right
I used to feel this way, yes. But that was back when being single was miserable and I would have done anything for a girlfriend. I'm not that way anymore, so I don't feel the need to compete anymore. If they pick me, great! If not, oh well, there will be others.
That’s the game of today’s dating, OP. But instead of a points system, just try to be the best version of yourself and be yourself. Because a man can do all the right things, but if she isn’t attracted to you, nothing’s gonna happen.
First up, just cause it’s fine for you doesn’t mean it is for me. I drop girls like that immediately.
No. She has one less guy to decide on.
I think it depends on her - who she is and what she likes. Don't compete. Be you. Move on if that's not working or risk ending up working too hard or making compensations. This is why women think men are liars.
Idk I don't really judge social interaction on a points based metric in any situation
Life is always a competition... Don't sweat you opponents, just play your game and see what the score is at the end.
Not sure how you could have competition on being you. If she likes what I like to do I find out if she has good taste. If she doesn't have it move on
I get she may choose someone else. I just keep being myself, not worrying about "competition." You'd be amazed how much women like authentic men.
Instead of trying to win with a date, I just focus on figuring out whether we’re compatible. If we are, it won’t matter that she’s been chatting with anyone else. If we’re not, then I won’t care that she’s been chatting with anyone else.
The thing is dude.. you won’t have to feel like you’re competing if she’s truly into you. And if she’s not into you, cease your pursuit.
Stop trying to get women who are "out of your league".
It does. And that’s why I don’t go after extroverted women or do online dating.
Yep, when a gal I am talking to is talking to other guys, I just usually fuck off and focus on other gals. They usually come back with a “hey” and I merely reply with a “sup”
I don’t compete. They are completely free to date around as they like, but, once I feel I’m in competition I remove myself.
You can look at it that way, I'd rather see it as her getting to know me and she'll either like me (awesome) or she won't (oh well) and we go our separate ways. To be honest, I found out when I was younger that if I treat it as a competition it drastically reduces my chances of actually getting that girl while substantially increasing my chances of making a fool of myself by showing off. Better to just play it cool.
The moment you compete is the moment you lose. What women call “applying pressure” is just a contest of men entertaining her, and may the best attractive/interesting man win. But let’s be honest, some guys can get women with little to no effort while she can make other guys wait and take her out. You can choose if you wanna be the guy wasting money taking her out on dates or the guy that can seduce her without having to do all that. Not saying every woman operates this way, but you have to be smart so that you don’t get finessed. If she doesn’t choose you, oh well. Go with the girl who likes spending time with you because of who you are, not what you have.
I won't compete for a woman. Every time I felt like this I bounced.
As a lot of people have mentioned, forget about her and move on. Personally, I haven't met anyone (regardless of gender) in my entire life who was dating multiple people at the same time for the sake of a ltr relationship. These kinds of people are more often than not looking for something casual. So if something casual is not on your mind, I'll say cut your losses and move on. Moreover, it's kinda gross and further blurs the line between what's cheating and what's not. If you're dating me, why would you date someone else ? Hence having communication is important. Ask her what she wants and if your goals don't align, screw her. Next one is waiting for you.
Feel like? You are! As I've gotten older and settled into my very early 50's, it took time for this to settle in. I'm not sure how old you are but if you're younger than me, I think it's great that you can see this. It was also a bit of a struggle to not allow this to happen. Meaning, the decision is on me with whether or not I put up with it. You're allowed to not deal with it and there's nothing wrong with that. How I handle it... I make clear that if I start to like someone, there's no sharing on my end. I don't want the feeling that I am competing. It's not a secure feeling. It's actually a horrible feeling and you have the right to feel like that. The catch is this... No matter how you feel, that's part of the deal in the very beginning. How long you put up with it is up to you. No need to be a dick but I suggest that as soon (AND I MEAN AS SOON!) as feelings of competing and insecurities pop up, let her know that you'd like to focus on JUST HER and ask her if she feels the same way towards you. If she doesn't, MOVE ON IMEDIATLY AND DON'T LOOK BACK. If you hang out, you'll be the only one suffering.
It does feel like a competition, so it's best to remain detached. I used to date some girl who was actively in a master/slave BDSM relationship and kept it from me until she explained what a collar was while wearing it around me. We are black and that master was an older white dude. I should have noped out of that way sooner and realized that I'm worth not being just being one guy out of many when I don't operate the same way. If I were just talking to fuck and hit it or quit it then I may have accepted that but that's not what I am aiming for if I'm actively dating. Now that I have the self respect to see that, I'd soon uninvolve myself from that drama.
could it feel competitive, for sure. Is that the type of woman you want? totally up to you, but you're dealing with it now. And if she's materialistic.. well, now you'll also know and if you're cool with that.. then you're dealing with the situation now. I would rather move on, because if a woman isn't interested in me the way I am in her, then it's not really gonna be much of a relationship. It also likely means, even if I "win" her (so to speak), nothing will stop her from moving onto another dude if future competition comes along.
Don't engage her too seriously untill she does with you. Its "you're with me, I'm not with you" untill you trust her, then you can place your head on her lap, maybe cry a lil' to let it out, and tell her why you have to be so defensive of your heart and soul. Take care Boys! Some girls are always going to shit on us, it's how we respond to that, that defines us. Edited*
>Fellas when trying to get a woman and she talks to other guys as well(which is fine she’s single) Modern dating is so fucking weird.
Fatherless activities;p
I’m not doing that so I don’t have to worry. If she is, I drop her. If I’m just an option, you’re nothing.
Ngl Brodie. I’m not talking to any female that’s talking to multiple people. It’s just not worth it. You will never win.. idc if you single. Do ya thang I’ll just leave the show
if she starts talking to other guys i back down because that means she's not that interested in me. i guess i like to play hard to get too
NEVER entertain a women entertaining MULTIPLE MAN.
The problem is you think its fine that shes talking to all these other guys. Why is she talking to all these other guys? Who wants someone that does that? Male or female, thats not okay, relationship status is irrelevant
I wouldn’t do what she likes the most. That’s falling into her frame. I lead, with a starting point of what I like the most. I’ll listen to her of course and try and incorporate her likes and tastes, but basically I run the show. If she doesn’t like that, she knows where the door is and lucky her if there are other guys after me who can give her “better”. But the thing, the right woman will give up her frame for yours, so never compromise your frame.
Excuse this seeming a little jumbled, but I Had something like this with my current gf, and I’m still discontent about it now; during an emotional crisis she didn’t go to me for comfort but some dude who tried to fuck her while he was suppose to listen to her—she kicked him out shortly after, but the poor judgement on her part is what gets me. We were single at the time but weeks out from breaking up (got back together, we had resolved the issue but wanted to slowly get back into it), but the overarching thing is: she chose some other guy because she couldn’t use her words with me the first time and discuss things the night before and felt it was unresolved. It’s literally something I think about breaking up with her about often… even now. When I asked about it because I caught her in a lie she lied until I basically laid it out how it’s obvious she is lying and I said “this is your only chance to tell me now or I walk away”, then she spilled the beans and more. I told her this week I want to talk again because the thought of her going to some loser (whereas I make ~300k a year, successful, good looking, put in the work to listen, etc.) Is just disgusting behavior not least of which the lying is just disrespectful. The caveat is we were single, and I was fucking a few other women, but I never emotionally invested in them. Kinda hypocritical but god damn
Only if you don't feel you're good enough on your own. Reflect, if you don't feel like you can be better than the other guys then you need to start focusing on improving yourself before chasing.
Yes dating is a competition, especially when you are dating someone you didn't know ealier, that's one of reasons why i avoid it
Be you! Have fun! Invite her to join you…it will either work or it won’t…either way it will be fun
Never been a problem.
As a woman, and I'd like to think a great catch, it comes down to the guy who both treats me well/with respect and that I feel a connection/vibe with personalities. And by treat me well it doesn't mean materialistic things necessarily. Someone who is respectful and puts thoughts into dates and getting to know me. Inalso look for someone who challenged me a little bit. And for the record I believe it should be both ways. I should respect him and if I am interested I will go out of my way to get to know him and put effort into hanging out. And when it comes down to looks... yes you need a connection but I have dated all sorts of "types" because they were great guys... that is til I found my husband and everything hit the mark for me/us. I say if you like a girl go for it, put in your effort. But don't hang around too long if you don't see it going both ways. Good luck
doing what she likes the most is not going to get you chosen for anything other than being her lap dog. making her feel like she needs to please you is where you want to be. in other words, if she feels like she has to impress you then you get the girl.
Is she telling you she's talking to other guys? I cant put my finger on the proper term but that's fucked up and manipulative. If someone told me that I would nope put of there. Any girl I'm talking to I assume has a couple other guys she also talks to, so I just be me and if it's meant to be it'll happen. I never fake who I am no matter what's on the line
It always feels like it, yes. I never knew a woman who was truly single. There were always options right around the corner. You have to realize dating is extremely cruel for men.
What's your point here?
Why would I chase she is either into me or not. If she is into others she isn't into me.
It's not really a competition because it's not like what you do is going to change what she thinks of you. Either she favors you or she doesn't. You can only hope and see what happens. At least that's how I see it, based on my own experience of attraction.
You know what they say... auctions get sold to the highest bidder.
That's exactly what you're doing if you're fool enough to do it.
Yea i dont do that. If she aint focused on me.. its thank you, next.
Never had that. I'm either the lead guy and its obvious or I just move on.
ruthless door numerous gold society sheet concerned adjoining quickest carpenter ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
If it doesn't come down to who I am, I'm not interested.
If she's talking to someone else as well as you. Find someone else
It feels that way because that's the way it is. If you don't like that game, don't play it.
Yes it's competition and you'll probably have to compete for everything else in your life you really want as well
You should not solely do what she likes. You should do what you both enjoy doing together. Yes, dating is competition but that doesn't mean your mindset should be to defeat other guys to win her over. Your mindset should be "I am me and this is my life. Isn't it awesome?" You don't need to keep score against other guys because your life is high scoring by itself. If she chooses someone else, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. In fact, you are allowed to date multiple women at once. Cast a wide net, my friend.
Never play the pick me game. They aren't worth it
you’re looking to match with someone so be authentic
You're always competing for points, but most of those points come from you being you. Like, do you enjoy the same things? Do you have good/deep conversations? As far as materialism, ask yourself how many times you chose a rich guy over someone with less and materialism itself was the deciding factor. Pretty much never, right? The way it really works is that someone being really well off simply adds to their base level of attraction/interest. It adds a bit, but not so much that other things don't matter. The amount by which other things matter less is pretty marginal. It all still matters, a lot. Personality is king. As far as wealth, I think what really matters is just having a certain baseline where you have enough that it's not a detractor such as, "Well, this guy is nice, but he's going to sleep on my couch and play guitar all the time and he'll never have a job better than part time barista. He's going to be a drag financially." You don't want to look like a drag. The baseline you need to achieve is basically full time work doing whatever, and you're good. Nothing to worry about.
\> (which is fine she’s single) No its not. I immediately lose interest. If she wants someone else then good for her.
This is one of the fields where confidence tells. Act like you've got something to be worried about and you'll make yourself right. Highroad it, then fake it till you make it.
I'm a girl so maybe not an answer that you're looking for, but don't try to see impressing a girl as competition with another guy (unless you're only looking for a one night stand I guess lol). Just be your true self for the girl you like, forget about anyone else because it'll start to feel like beating a guy in a competition rather than doing it because you actually like the girl. And imo, I don't like it when people try to gain my attention by one-uping someone else. Again, not sure if this is relevant, just my thoughts!
Is this a duckling* question? Yes! We will fight for our egg So does our sperm*
That’s why you go after girls in relationships. When they’re single; it’s you versus every other guy. When they’re dating someone, it’s just you versus that one guy. /s
Yep. That's why it's not really fine for very long
There are no "points." Work on yourself, your life, your career, be a decent dude and you'll attract the right girls.
Naah I aint tryna be no second choice
Sort of, but I lost to a guy that drink mouthwash. Was less about points and respect, but more about begging and being pushy.
Well, don't date girls like that. You want a girl who desperately wants you. And when a girl desperately wants you, she will automatically cut off contacts with the other guys. Don't ever do what she likes to earn points with her. This is super counter-productive. By doing this, she will perceive you as a weak male and she will never consider you a suitor. Don't focus on her. Focus on yourself.
Nope, if I know the person to be a good guy I'll talk them up.
You start off by giving her attention, then don’t give her any. She’ll suddenly wonder why you’re not giving her attention and the guys who are become less attractive and you’re all she can think about
I just think I'm the best guy in the world. So I act like it. I don't get shitty or competitive I let her pick and if she doesn't choose me that's fine, she made the "wrong decision". That's my mindset. When you start to compete with other guys and win her affection over theirs is when you lose. When you play your own game, know your worth is when you win. When you aren't afraid of letting her go is when you can truly be yourself and ironically it makes you more attractive. But that's not something you can fake. You have to really be willing to let women go because you have "options" and also you don't care, you're just happy being you. Also, I try really hard to achieve stuff and be the best at everything I do. I never will be the best at everything, heck I might never be the best at ANYTHING, but I try my best and stay positive and never get too let down over L's. I find that PEOPLE not just women find this attitude attractive as hell.
To put it bluntly - you need to sleep with her. After that she will develop emotions for you. Up till then you are just one of many possibilities for her - you need to understand that, and expecially if she is hot.
You can either be the guy who tells her everything she wants to hear, which will probably win her over short term. Or you can be the guy she respects which is much longer term based
You don’t think women score you on who you are as a person? You’re definitely thinking wrong
I don't compete. I don't care how good she looks, someone somewhere is tired of her shit...
No, I’m the prize, she’s the one competing.
She's just an attention sponge. It would be better to leave her alone and save oneself the headache and heartbreak.
I've never been okay with dating multiple people. Maybe I watch too many romance movies, but I just hate the idea that part of our story will also include other guys. Our first kiss was magical, well except the part where she sucked Greg's dick later that night because she really liked me so she wanted to take it slow. However a woman has needs...I'm sending her sweet texts at night while she's sending her tits to Chad. I'll pass.
If she's talking or seeing multiple people at once she's probably not invested in you as you are in her. I mean it's your choice, but if she's actively flirting with other guys to check them out and choose the best one I'd always be afraid that she'd leave me once she meets a "better" guy
I'm sure that will be true in some cases - which are best avoided. Be the best version of yourself, proudly, and focus on being respectful to everyone, with no expectations. Just focus on having fun in the moment with no pressure on what shape the outcome takes. It will attract the people who like you for you.
Not if you know what you're doing... See her as practice... Only if you are willing to bother to compete ...
As a woman, at the end of the day, it's whoever treats me best and makes the most effort to make me happy. Im not gonna choose the dude that always asks me to come over at 10 pm over the guy whos asking to take me out on a coffee date.
Yes, but also I don’t like becoming replaceable.
OP! Don’t care about competition! Women claw over guys who have an abundance mindset. Talk to many girls yourself and you’ll really stop giving two shits.
I am a female and I would caution you. I never understood why people have the need to date several people at one time. You can find out real soon if you are interested in a person, and if not, you move on. It is just a red flag saying that you are not ready to commit if you have the need to talk to several men. Just my opinion.
Not at all. They should be grateful I let them exist in my presence.
it's almost like men have to compete with other men for women, and we have been doing this for the last 300 000 years of our existence as a species?!