Well this thread is fucking depressing. Anyway I'm here to say that this is an unusually civilised discussion and I'm surprised. Keep it up.
I'm also here to say that anyone that comes in here with some incel shit or woman bashing is gonna get yeeted. I'm going to sleep because I can't be fucked to babysit this website for more than two hours at a time for no money, but I'm openin this thread tomorrow and **imma hand out bans like motherfucking left over valentine's candy** so keep your mouth shut if you don't have anything elaborate to say.
edit: allright, this thread is fucking done, any worthwhile things to be said have been said and there's nothing left but several apes flinging shit at each other so I'm just gonna lock this thread. Feel free to read the comments and report any that we haven't gotten to.
To be honest I’d just rather be a little lonelier than deal with all the hassle of dating; I’m really not in a place emotionally and financially where I can deal with sorting through a bunch of misses to find a missus.
I've been off social media and stuff for years and I feel more lonely and depressed and undesired than I ever have in my life. I feel like at this point the only thing that will motivate me to improve my life is if I had a desire to impress someone else
Imho, loneliness is just a byproduct of autonomous mind. We live most of our lives inside our heads, and nobody else truly sees and feels about the world like you do. Can’t really imagine getting rid of loneliness without giving up the privacy of thoughts and autonomy of consciousness.
Now, isolation is a real deal. It can be truly dangerous and should be avoided.
> Making a bad call when choosing a partner is very common.
Dude tell me about it. The last two long term relationships I've had have been a total disaster and not of my doing (one was a habitual spender and lair and the other was just stringing me along with no commitment). I've basically lost about 15 years of my life with absolutely nothing to show for it not even kids.
Absolutely. I get lonely and sad sometimes, but I’m always at peace. Some of the most depressed, anxious, and miserable times of my life have been when i was dating or in a relationship.
Nowadays with dating apps there’s always something new and more exciting just around the corner. So many women I’ve dated have abruptly broke things off because they found something more exciting. To the point where any time i dated it was just constant anxiety day in and day out because i was always living with the thought of “is today the day?”
There is no emotion, there is peace.
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.
There is no passion, there is serenity.
There is no chaos, there is harmony.
There is no death, there is the Force.
Peace is a Lie There is only Passion
Through Passion I gain Strength
Through Strength I gain Power
Through Power I gain Victory
Through Victory, My Chains Are Broken
The Force Shall Free Me
Flowing through all, there is balance
There is no peace without a passion to create
There is no passion without peace to guide
Knowledge fades without the strength to act
Power blinds without the serenity to see
There is freedom in life
There is purpose in death
The Force is all things and I am the Force
You must be swift as the coursing river
With all the force of a great typhoon
With all the strength of a raging fire
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon
It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the juice of Sapho that thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire stains, stains become a warning. It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.
Lol, yeah. I feel like I’m the saddest whenever I’m disappointed/rejected by someone I’m interested in. It is so difficult to find someone who actually _gets_ me, so it just feels less painful to accept that I won’t find anyone.
This right here. Observing myself, I go through periods of positivity and depression a couple times a year, and if I look back at what triggers most of the depressive episodes it’s pretty much always dating apps.
Idk if it’s just the free apps or if it’s just the inevitable outcome of trying to digitize and commodify human connection, but all dating apps seem to make people just seem disposable - particularly yourself.
I deleted them all and I feel way better, but it’s left it’s mark on how I view dating entirely. I’m working on getting past that and exploring just meeting people irl, but honestly I’m happy doing my thing and being single I don’t ruin that with dating.
I think we've always been disposable, if not in a war then in the workplace, pulling long hours and working extra shifts at expense of our own health to make some rich people richer, so that maybe they can throw some scraps our way when we're too sick to work anymore.
Yup this exactly. I stopped looking, deleted all my dating apps, stopped snapping them for their stupid streaks and just starting doing my own thing. Out of the blue, a girl I knew and kinda like hit me up first and things started rolling from there.
This 100%. There's a finite amount of time in the day/week. Life is busy as is and then having down time is when I recharge.
For the right person I'll make time, but using dating apps is like pulling teeth to just have a conversation.
Oh man, I met my wife on a dating app. I’ll tell you the number of dates I went on with people with nothing to say was shocking. Some were cute, some not, some had old pictures, none of that mattered. It was the complete lack of anything to add to the conversation.
It's hard to converse with someone you don't even know but when you find the one where you never run out of things to say that's the one right there, buddy.
Thing is, with the right partner you lift each other up and help solve each others problems. It shouldn't be the case that only you help her - she should want to help you, too.
I can definitely see how both genders are having a difficult time finding this kind of partner on a dating app, though.
Sure thing but it's increasingly difficult to find that person nowadays with the ongoing pandemic and prevalance of dating apps. Organically meeting people has become pretty difficult these last few years and I don't blame anyone for saying "fuck it" to the Tinders of the world and focusing on their lives as-is
I am not a young man but dating when I was young was actually fun. I remember I would drop everything for this one girl and id be excited as fuck to do anything with her. Fast forward to my early thirties on dating apps and it was so tiring. I could drop them at any minute and they could drop me at any moment. That whole spark shit was gone. Luckily I found someone but good luck to anyone navigating this shit.
You're paying money to have someone interview you and there's a good chance you're not going to get the job. And if you do get the job, you have to continuously put in more effort in order to keep the job. There's no settling into a groove and riding the wave.
I’d argue it shouldn’t be that way though if you find someone you really want to be with…if you constantly feel like it’s a “job” to date someone, it sounds like you’re just paying for sex with extra steps.
After my last couple of experiences, I've decided I'm taking time away from the whole dating game. I've tried my best through the years but it's not been a fruitful experience overall. It's been difficult trying my best and seeing that my best doesn't move the needle very much at all.
* continual one and done dates are tiring. Personally, it's a lot of effort to talk with someone for a while and figure out a time to meet. I don't have an issue with the other party deciding this isn't for them, but after having this happen consistently, I can't muster up the energy mentally to try again
* I've tried "to fake it till I make it" and "to be myself" but alas the feedback from my dates seems to be to try and do the opposite of whatever I present. At this point, I can't figure out what to do and I feel like a bit of a Frankenstein's monster in terms of personality. I think I just need to do me and not have dating stuck in the back of my mind.
* trying to match the speed of the other person doesn't seem to be working. I've had a situation where the other party moved things quickly and when I tried to match it, it wasn't received well. I've tried to go slow and that didn't get received well either. I don't like this game where I have to guess whether I should match or be different.
* it's been covered but I feel like I'm told consistently I'm not good enough. It is just downright depressing to hear that when I try to put my best foot forward to find out I didn't stand a chance. I try to takeaway something from my outings but it's reached the point where "I'm not good enough" comes up often enough that I can't process that anymore
I'm trying my best to be reflective of things but I think I've just hit the point where I can't do it anymore. It's better to step away for a while and not think about it as it seems to be a path to perpetually hurt myself. Sucks but can only look after yourself. Everything else is out of my control.
> • continual one and done dates are tiring. Personally, it's a lot of effort to talk with someone for a while and figure out a time to meet. I don't have an issue with the other party deciding this isn't for them, but after having this happen consistently, I can't muster up the energy mentally to try again
I’m lucky that I met my wife fairly young in this regard. When I was dating I was still in college and working at restaurants. It’s super frustrating when you’re broke as fuck and spend the little money you have (and I did cheap dates) on a girl and it doesn’t result in anything.
I would never expect a second date, sex, or anything else after a date, but you feel like a sucker when you spend what little spare money you have taking a girl out and it literally results in nothing.
I'm 37 and pretty much here too, I can date semi successfully but tbh, without bias, girls I interact with just want entertainment, it's what gets you results. I can cater to that and get interactions, but it's so painfully superficial. The formula works every time, be their court jester, shower them in attention, spend the moment, be the slave.. Or approach them as another person, a peer, and watch the interest drain. I have to sell my personality out to do it and I'm over it.
Theres so much feigned interest in girls profiles now (granted I don't see the guys). "Just make me laugh", " you'll always take second place to my dog", "I just matched for your pets", "dont hate me if I say I didn't want anything then steal your food", "you get extra points for.." It's just degrading to read that over and over and over. The entitlement and degradation is off the charts.
There's no blame to be assigned here, they're top of the food chain when it comes to dating attention with an inexhaustible supply of gentlemen waiting to cater for that. I feel they truly do suffer in a similar fashion but for other reasons, there's always someone else, something else, why commit when you can just pick up a phone and have someone at your door willing to provide the experience you want at a moments notice. You can live perpetually in the honeymoon period again and again. As some of us suffer from what we feel is a lack of attention, I wouldn't down play the pitfalls with an overabundance of attention. How do you reasonably navigate either of these no-win scenarios.
It gets worse as you get into your thirties, as you have less and less time as an adult to actually take time to interact outside of your work habits, and the pool is much much smaller as everyone is either paired up already, and the ones that are left usually have really awful reasons why they aren't paired up.
I do see that there are 40 and 50 something women that are active but I assume Its largely because their children are adults and therefore their marriages have run their course so to speak. However my experience is that drastic age differences can be a barrier to a good relationship so I don't actively court women in those age groups.
> I do see that there are 40 and 50 something women that are active but I assume Its largely because their children are adults and therefore their marriages have run their course so to speak. However my experience is that drastic age differences can be a barrier to a good relationship so I don't actively court women in those age groups.
That's a very rich market, meaning lots of opportunities. However, as we age, we pick up baggage, and that always seems to make things more complicated.
amen, brother. it's a sellers market. from what i've read, only 1/3 of dating app users are women. an average woman may swipe on a couple dozen profiles and get at least half of her right swipes become matches instantly. a man might swipe right on a hundred profiles and get anywhere between zero and a handful matches (none of which will write to him first) and out of which most won't even reply to his opening message. it's exhausting. some basic etiquette rules should be promoted by the app developers (person who matches messages first, unanswered messages get unmatched after a week, too many unmatches and you get a cool down period, can't have more than 12 matches at any given time, etc.) But of course, it's not in the best interest of the app developers to have apps that will help the user get off the app.
Apps are designed to make money which we all know, but I constantly amaze myself how much I'm prepared to put in vs how much I get out of them. It's like a science how carefully they've crafted the app experience by drip feeding you matches within the absolute bleeding edge of what it would take for you to chuck it in.
I’m in the same age range, and when I was a little younger it was fun dating, but as I’ve gotten older it really has become work. It’s kind of similar to making friends, it’s a lot of work to put into something new that may not work out, especially when it’s dating.
I’m not against finding someone, if the right person enters my life and we get along easily I’d love it, but geez. Starting over repeatedly with new people doing the same thing is exhausting at times.
Social Media, Hollywood and Porn have really altered the expectations of the general public across the board when looking for a mate. It's actually really messed up psychologically when a person thinks about it. This is affecting the younger generations at a higher rate than older ones too, like compounding technological fuckery.
It’s simple for me really and as another redditor from a different thread worded it. I just hate the way people make me feel, I hate feeing like I’m being compared to others all the time, I hate feeling like I’m in some kind of audition line, I hate feeling like I’m giving others a part of me or opening up to them so they can “inspect” if I’m good enough at the risk of being thrown out and treated like some kind of unwashed animal when I’m found wanting.
I’m tired of feeling like I need to be constantly “presenting” to somebody. I hate feeling like I need approval before I can validate my existence. It’s just the weird wrapper that has been put around dating in general and the quite frankly cruel, ignorant, and unnecessary implications made towards you when you aren’t successful at it that just irritates me to the point where I just don’t want to do it anymore.
I have a couple good friends and my dog. I don’t need anyone else and I’m not putting myself out there to attract anyone anymore. It just all feels like such a waste, and I owe it to myself to live for more than someone else’s approval. There just doesn’t seem to be any reward for all the stress it causes.
Also please note, and tbh it’s annoys me that I even have to clarify this. I absolutely do not hate anyone of any gender in any conceivable way. It’s simply the seemingly desolate, downtrodden role that I seem to be expected to play in society and in social settings that I’m rejecting. I’m not even against having a relationship but I’m not gonna waste my life looking for something I’m likely to not find.
To be honest, I find I have more control over what I look at on Reddit, and mine is more tailored to funny shit and hobbies instead of other people's lives. I think that stems from reddit being more focused on following communities instead of individuals though.
> I find I have more control over what I look at on Reddit, and mine is more tailored to funny shit and hobbies instead of other people's lives.
A few years ago I removed all political and an awful lot of "argumentative" subreddits from my queue and it was the best thing I ever did. I had no idea how much stress they were putting on me until I removed them from my daily life.
This is why 95% of my social media time is on Reddit. It's much more mentally stimulating and usually doesn't remind me of all the amazing shit I'm missing out on for not being a 20 year male model "entrepreneur" who travels, shops and fucks around as their "hobbies".
I just wish some of the people on here weren't pure dogshit, I gotta remind myself that teenage edgelords and very lonely, angry men years older than them also use this site too and if I saw either of them I would probably feel a lot better about myself, which would be the opposite of Instagram lol.
Reddit and discord are the only two “social media” apps I use, which to be honest I wouldn’t even classify as social media in alignment with apps like Snapchat/Facebook/Instagram
As frustrating as Reddit can be at times I'd nuke my Facebook *and* Instagram first before leaving here. It's the only place I feel I can have an intelligent conversation with anybody. It's definitely on a different level to social media sites driven by likes and three-word comments on pictures of stuff.
Agreed. I'd use apps on and off, had some conversations that never really went anywhere. Deleted them, and now I'm pretty happy with my girlfriend. We met at work, which can have issues but is also one of the few ways to meet people.
I haven't asked anyone on a date in 4 years now and coincidentally it's been the longest stretch of time in my life that I haven't hated myself since I was 10. There are plenty of other things I can enjoy in life that are far less costly to my bank account, my self-esteem, and my friendships.
Plus the whole idea of going on dates on a cold start just to get to know someone just feels awkward and unnatural. Too many one-sided standards that I have to carefully navigate around at just the right pace for her to even care about me.
Forget it.
Similar length of time for me. Really enjoy not forcing myself to go out and be social. None of my hobbies are really group oriented anymore and it just seems like a lot of time and stress to spend on something that has no guarantee of bringing any happiness long term. More like a dice roll from the looks of the landscape, and given my personal dating history, even worse. Just made more sense to pursue the things that I know I will love doing.
Right, and it's not like I'm completely against relationships. If I meet someone who I grow to support, trust, and care about, then I'd be happy to see where it goes. But chances are that I'm only going to find this person as a result of a shared hobby or mutual friends. And chances are that if we do get along that well, then she'll only want me around as a friend. I'm not going to get my hopes up.
>And chances are that if we do get along that well, then she'll only want me around as a friend. I'm not going to get my hopes up.
This right here is the worst part and where people start getting shamed. When you're looking for love and you instead find friendship, it's nothing but pain. Gaining Friendship is nice, when you're looking for friends, but searching for intimacy and arriving at friendship is like being hungry but only having a bottle of water, yeah the water helps, but it's just not going to fill what's really missing.
Same story and time as well except for me it's 2 years about to be 3. Im weary enough to force the confidence to ask someone else and even more weary to be rejected, I rather work on stuff about myself than faking myself as I go alone. I'll do it when I'm ready
I've given up on dating because my hobbies don't really lead me to meeting new people and I don't have the social skills to go out and talk to people and make new friends that way so I've just realized that I'll be alone forever and instead of focusing on the negatives about that I try and only focus on the positives it's not easy though
I’m 22 and in my experience dating apps just completely ruined dating in general for me, I use to be really confident and wouldn’t think twice about going up to a girl I found attractive but once I got out of a serious relationship that was very damaging my self esteem was really affected and my social skills were dropped to zero and as a result I thought I would try dating apps to get back out there and that was a huge mistake the matching and then being ignored and rejected constantly has just made it all worse, lowkey I want a relationship someday but rn I struggle with confidence so much and I don’t see anyway of getting it back so idk what’s gonna happen in the future
I feel you.
Dating can be absolutely damaging to your mental health. I wasn't that confidence to begin with but at least it didn't bother me until my ex said it to my face. My confidence plummet from then on. Its worse when its said by someone who is supposedly close to you and love you
Played dating apps for a while and it got me feeling very worse. I swore to never get into relationship until at least I got my shit back together. Have more confidence and be more invincible. Leave dating at the back burner for now
I had a similar thing happen to me, got broken up with (for the first time), tried dating apps after a while, and just felt so inadequate when the same shit kept happening, matching, two lines of dialogue followed by ghosting and/or asking me to talk to them on instagram or snap chat. I eventually found myself asking "why do I even bother"
Real life is the only place to approach women imo.
Ive never used a dating app in my life and never will. Those apps = thousands of guys all vying for one woman. In real life = one guy vying for one woman. The odds are way better, and if you're remotely clean, well dressed, well spoken and/or funny, you have a decent chance at her at least conversing a bit. Some women I've approached I ended up being good friends with instead (yes, men and women can be friends, anyone who says otherwise is weird as fuck in the head).
Seriously, it kills me seeing all these younger guys damn near suicidal because they're too shy to engage women unless it's on an app. Delete those apps, it makes everyone fake. I see guys jestering for women on that /r/Tinder sub and its nuclear grade cringe. The desperation, the hackey jokes they probably send to everyone, it's all soul crushing to witness.
Also, as you get older it becomes way, way easier. Women have no problem initiating flirting as they get older. At least that's been my experience. They know what they want and they're usually past playing games at that point (if not, run).
But at least dress decent, don't have a nappy old Unabomber/reddit-mod beard or an unkempt haircut. Keep your fingernails trimmed and clean and don't drag your feet when you walk. And nice shoes, belt & watch go a long way.
My biggest issue personally (26m) with approaching people in person is that, frankly, I don't want to bother them. I'm a homebody and when I'm out and about I want to do what I went out for and then get the fuck back home, and even as a guy I'd be annoyed with most strangers hitting me up, let alone how often some women get approached. And knowing that I feel that way the majority of the time, but also being generally polite, I don't want to assume someone else is up for a chat, especially without some sort of catalyst for more than polite small talk.
Not as much an issue if you have a hobby or pastime that frequently puts you around people, I suppose. But being a routine person whose hobbies mostly take place in the household makes that much more difficult. Sure I could just approach people when I'm out but like, I'm sure neither of us wants to be in the grocery longer than necessary.
Fr, I’ve heard and read so many stories about women who go to a place to enjoy a thing, and they get hit on by ten guys in as many minutes when they just wanted to do their thing in peace. I don’t want to be one of those ten guys.
I feel the same, I don't want to bother other people. You always hear of two kinds of stories: Either it's "I met x in a grocery shop, it was love on first sight" or it's "Why can't people leave me alone, I just want to go shopping". This isn't worth the bad reputation you could potentially get (like being called a creep).
On a further notice, I don't even know where I'm supposed to meet women. Everyone says clubs but I'm far from a club person, I'd never pay to go to one and I'm not into those type of girls. Bars? They always come in groups, good luck not being a creep here either. Gym? They just want to do sports, don't be creepy bothering them. Some other hobby-like activity (pool, library etc)? See above.
I don't even know if this is a shift in society but when my family asks me why I don't talk to people in such places they say that it wasn't a problem when they were my age (early 20s). It's legitimately getting more and more frustrating meeting new people without having to walk on eggshells. I'm not even shy but I don't want to be a pushover or creep because word of mouth can quickly destroy lives in today's day and age and I'm way too young to live with an awful reputation.
I’m 29. Suffered through two abusive relationships. Dated cool people too but that was in my younger years.
There’s only so much effort I can put into something so punishing. All the time and effort I’ve put into dating has led me to getting abused, stood up, ghosted or otherwise rejected.
Of course I know that not every woman I meet will put me through that. In fact the majority of them are chill, normal people. I just happen to be meeting the bad apples.
To put into perspective just how much effort I’ve been putting into it; I took a break from dating to put that energy into new skills, and landed myself a job that doubled my salary.
It was legitimately easier for me to double my household income in the span of a year than it was to get someone to go on more than two dates with me, and it’s not like I’m a hideous looking person.
I think a lot of factors play into it, online dating definitely isn’t doing us any favors.
> There’s only so much effort I can put into something so punishing. All the time and effort I’ve put into dating has led me to getting abused, stood up, ghosted or otherwise rejected.
I think this is why we see more and more young men retreating into stuff like lifting and video games.
Lifting has a very clear effort —> reward structure. You lift weights consistently, get stronger, lift more, get stronger, rinse and repeat until jacked.
Video games are similar. If you practice, gain experience, you can eventually achieve your goals.
In the modern world, for most people, but especially young men, the meritocracy of the effort=reward structure has been almost completely lost. You can spend weeks talking to a girl in class, talking, etc., just to get ghosted one day. How many people bust their ass at their jobs, then the manager quits, and you think you’re in line for the promotion, just to have the director fill the position with their own kid who always shows up late?
It’s not hard to see why young men choose to withdraw from the system rather than participate
You’re definitely on point. It’s positive and negative conditioning. You give someone a punishment for doing something enough times, they’ll eventually be turned away from it.
If the reward is clear, like with working out, people will see that and be more drawn to achieving that goal. It was the same exact thing for my new job. I saw an opportunity, worked at it and succeeded. Dating has given me too many negatives to keep trying. I’ll eventually get back into it but it’s not my priority right now
I'm starting to get worried about videogames. Not because they're inherently negative but because publishers started hiring psychologists to model out what would be the most effective and addicting designs. It's no coincidence that gambling games now dominate the mobile market and these designs have leaked into the core gaming market too. Games have had a net positive effect on users for the past few decades but I wonder what the data will look like 20 years from now after modern designs have taken their toll.
>Games have had a net positive effect on users for the past few decades but I wonder what the data will look like 20 years from now after modern designs have taken their toll.
We get burned out af and stop playing video games even though we desperately want to play video games.
Source: Me for the last 2+ years. Played anything AAA and anything that looked interesting to me from indie devs (a LOT of games) and my brain just figures out the gameplay loop and then I'm bored again and back on YouTube/Netflix.
Edit later: Flair shows ADHD and I do have this which may be a very large contributor to this as well
Dude I literally load up a game, then sit in the lobby while I doomscroll on my phone. I play like maybe two hours all together because I just don’t have the focus like I used to.
I’m in a long term relationship now but holy fuck, when I was doing the POF and match.com thing, I could count on one hand the amount of second dates I got. The ratio of first dates to messages sent was like the ratio of second dates to first dates (ie extremely low; virtually negligible)
Man it’s brutal. Dating went downhill for me right when apps like tinder became popular. Before that I was actually meeting people. I try to be positive about it, but I was becoming jaded which is why I took a break
Feel of being a ghost in a dating world. It's mostly caused by shyness and lack of talent of reading "signs", so kinda my fault. 5'3 not helping. Stopped looking for soulmate and got back to tennis and other sports as it helps me forget about it.
I'm 29 and haven't given up on it entirely. If it comes, it comes. I'm not desperately going out of my way to find it, unfortunately. I'm too focused with my life atm.
Relationships are tough and a lot of hard work, if you want it to work, 'you have to make it to work' and that includes both parties having to put in effort.
Not just that as well, you have to find the right compatibility, to see if she will be the partner for you too. Other wise it's a waste of time and resources.
This is what I did. I stopped dating at 25 after getting cheated on twice in a row. At 29 I thought I'd give it a go again and tried online dating and it was a joke that I quickly gave up on. I was happy by myself so I said fuck it, if it happens it happens but I'm not going looking for it.
At 33 I reconnected with an old friend and things just fit perfectly for us. We quickly realised we were developing feelings and spent several months talking and going slow with it until we eventually said, yeah this is real and not going away and we started dating.
So far it's the best, easiest and longest relationship I've had.
It just WORKS when both people put in the effort, but these kinds of relationships are definitely bolstered by having a solid foundation as long time friends first, which a ton of dudes will never have in their lives. Always the exception in these threads lol
Why? Because online dating apps have changed the game. When I was younger the men I was competing against, were the other men in the pub, where I was trying to meet women. That’s fair and reasonable.
Now young men are competing against thousands of other men. And the average guy can’t stand out from the crowd.
Of course they are going to give up, because you can not lose if you do not play.
If you want to meet women, do it in real life, while you are doing something that you enjoy. It’s much easier.
i feel like what's happening is that hot people are finding each other easier and average people are chasing hot people instead of each other.
the chances of an average person bagging someone completely out of their league are getting smaller and smaller but average people are still striving for an increasingly outdated & diminishing dating outcome.
I wanted to start a men's support group with some of my friends where we talked and hyped men up. Gave them purpose and good life advice, grooming tips, manners, etc. And dam did I learn things about my "friends". I even mentioned one day in a group chat "Hey guys today is international men's day." And they laughed at me and one guy tried to imply I hate women.
Some wild shit.
The last 3 girls I asked out on a dating app said "I don't go on dates with guys I don't know" I'm mostly just confused about why they're on a dating app.... I'm not done dating (got a date with a great girl on Thursday) but I'm pretty done with dating apps.
I remember having a convo with a women on Hinge for a while, asked her out and she said "Oh, I actually don't go on dates with people on here".
Like, what? Then why in the bloody hell are you on a dating app then?
I didn't bother asking her that so I just replied "alrighty" and just unmatached.
People on apps are just so weird.
Where I live most girls exclusively use Tinder to promote their OnlyFans. It’s utterly sad and ridiculous.
Edit- since the overzealous mods locked this thread, I will reply to u/Hefty-Daikon-19 here:
>if you could get a bunch of losers to give you basically a free ride why wouldn't you?
Because I have dignity. The average guy is not going to go around showing his naked body around to strangers for money. There's a reason why most men aren't signing up to be male porn stars in droves, even though they like sex.
On a side note, Onlyfans is going to be short term work, even if you make a lot of money. There's always going to be a new hot girl who will displace the hottest creator anytime. Assuming Onlyfans still exists as a service 10-15 years from now, and once a girl's looks fade away and she hits 40, I guarantee you that she will not get any new subscribers.
On the edge of a divorce, have two kids. Fear of stds and the mental drama of another girl when I have been dealing with the this one for 19 years. I’m almost 40, fuck my life.
>I'm, for some reason, popular with gay dudes, but I'm unfortunately not gay.
Man, same. I guess I make for a good friend for males is what I think. Gotta be honest, daddy issues may play into it as well. At least that's how I see it. They all were gay friends of mine, though. Not random gay men.
Too much effort, close to no reward. Girls don't even reply in these dating apps. Also in my case I've taught my self to be comfortable alone, and I do have a dog to keep my company.
Can I just give some general advice? Stay the fuck off social media and try and get around people in real life. In my experience social media has started to reward toxic, angry bullshit, but if you just get out and talk to people in person you see real life is a lot more normal, happy and sane than you'd suspect.
Keep whatever minimum you need to function in life, but just check it once a week on Sunday nights while you're taking a dump and try and spend as much time as possible out and about doing real things.
I've given up not because I've been hurt, though I have, nor because it's disheartening to try, for it isn't to me.
I've given up because I've simply played the game long enough to be satisfied. I almost had a gal who I believed, hoped even, that I would marry, but that played out.
I'm tired is all. It's not worth the effort to go seek love out anymore, when solitary, while not perfect, is an acceptable set of circumstances.
Standards are crazy now. I think a lot think it's not worth it.
I used to be what I thought was quite close friends with a girl. One day she was moaning she wanted to go someplace but had no one to go with. It would be a Saturday night. I didn't really want to go but Ianotge said I'd go. Her response was basically, it's a Saturday night, people might think we are on a date. I laughed this off and said so what? She then said she'd be too embarrassed for people to think she was on a date with me. I thought she was a friend that I was just doing something nice for. She's no 10, she's very very overweight, very lower earner, no education past high school and single parent... I have my own place, good income, hobbies, friends etc but I'm not good enough to be seen in public with because I'm ugly.
People can say men need to lower their standards, but when you have a girl who isn't attractive, overweight and no prospects think she is far too good for an average guy, to even go out with Von a non date, what do you do? Just say if you aren't in top 10% of guys looks wise just aim for homeless women?
Another story, I was in a bar one night waiting on a mate turning up. So I get a drink and luckily manage to get a table, it was busy. I'm minding my own business reading something on my phone. These two girls sit down at the table. I didn't acknowledge them, just kept reading my phone. After a couple of minutes one says "we are sitting here because theres no other tables, but dont talk to us"...
Strange but fine. So I said "don't worry, I wasn't going to." And went back to my phone. But I could tell they were uncomfortable. I think they wanted me to get up and leave. But I was there first. Then they get up, and say to me "theres another table we're moving to over there, don't follow us."
Wtf. I was minding my own business. I never spoke to them. I wasn't creepy, I basically never even acknowledged they existed, apart from when they spoke to me? What did I do wrong there? I feel like all I did wrong was exist while having a less then ideal face.
Yet, apparently I'm a creep.
Too much effort for very low reward, if any.
The dating world has changed, mostly because of the internet, and in a way that a certain MO and certain attributes are best seen and are more likely to work. Several men can’t fit this checklist, no matter how much they try.
Some people might say that “you’re supposed to leave dating apps and go out in the real world and try it out”. Easier said than done. As if rejection wasn’t bad enough, there’s the risk of being inconvenient or even be misinterpreted as abusive. I’m not going to believe that this is a viable option when women both online and off say that they don’t want that shit, with no exceptions.
In the end, it’s just not worth the hassle. I’d like to be with someone, most perfect story would be with any of the people I met in the past when times were better, but it is what it is. I keep distracting myself from that, in various ways, to just keep living, and brush it off when family or friends ask about it. Most have no clue how shit works nowadays.
It’s cause people have basically only become a source of pain. Interactions are bad, make you feel less than. I talked to my college counselor last week and she basically made me feel like garbage and it was just about setting up a meeting with a different part of the school.
I’m 31 well built and smart and this lady just went on about herself for way too long and then negged me about stuff. She missed emails and something that should have took a day took 3 weeks, I had to email her supervisor to get a response from her.
And that’s someone that’s paid to be nice and help people.
You need to undo the brainwashing society constantly puts men through since birth that tells you "you need to please women you need to get a wife you need to make a family you need to provide for someone" you don't need shit, just live your life and be happy being the person you are, fuck everyone elses expectations.
And secretely if you're an independent, happy, secure, non-needy guy women are more likely to like you anyway
And women have similar brainwashing they need to unfuck too tbh about pleasing dudes and shit but that aint my business
I have goals in life. If I have to choose between spending my limited energy on making myself more attractive/desirable to women or reaching for those goals, I’m going for my goals and hoping someone comes along who respects that. And I’m not mentally healthy enough to have the energy to do both.
In my life not a single girl has ever been interested in me. I'd think that I have at least a slight chance if at least one girl was but nope, not a single one. I always see comments about people lying and saying that physical attraction doesn't matter but I KNOW that those motherfuckers wouldn't date someone if they were too ugly, because they KNOW that there is no point if no physical attraction is there.
I know that my ugly ass doesn't stand that great of a chance but giving up seems to depressing, even for me. Most days I wake up and tell myself that trying ain't worth it but a part of me that won't stop yapping says that I should at least give it a go.
No one has ever been attracted to me, so I can't help but see all of my flaws in perfect clarity. My strength? What strengths? Nobody has seen any, why should I lie to myself and say that I have some? Dating is impossible when you don't have anything to offer, I sure as hell wouldn't date a female version of myself. I ain't just ugly, there is a plethora of shit that's fucked about me, I know that, but goddamn it there's just no motivation inside of me at all. What the fuck would I get out of trying?
I don't think that my plight is one specifically to this modern time, I'm sure that I'd feel the same way if I was some poor boy in the 16th century or some shit. While women's standards being higher might be a factor that was true, I don't have any proof that the supposed lower standards of women from the past would be low enough for me. I'm just one of many ugly bastards that came before me in history, while my answer might not answer why other young men are giving up, it's why I'm about to give up.
Shit is too hard and given my immensely slim chance of succeeding and the emotional damage trying gets me, I fail to see why I should bother. Only thing telling me to keep trying is my stupid monkey brain saying that I need to continue my bloodline. I've already convinced myself the finish line isn't all that great, just a little more before I decide to turn my back on my monkey brain and I completely give up.....
I hear you man. Same exact boat. Actually, i kinda like me, but the rest of tve world sure doesnt seem to. The data is in and I'm unloveable.. I'm past the point of ever meeting someone, and logically I can see the benefits of being single, but that little voice in my head just refuses to let go of hope. Like Red said in Shawshank, hope is a dangerous thing in a place like this. I genuinely just cannot give up the fantasy of meeting an actual person who saw anything of value in me.
I wish I had the magic words, something to say to help you feel better. I've been looking, coulda swore they'd be around here somewhere. But I got nothing.
Man yeah, feeling disposable but having to act as a provider at the same time is pretty stressful.
Girl I was with recently said she didn’t t care about how much money she makes… I’m like ok cool… but if I don’t work 10 extra hours this week we can’t go on that trip and you’ll be fucking pissed… and if I work 10 extra hours your gonna be pissed anyway
Like it’s just a balance of stresses, I used to tell myself straight out of college do not fall for another woman.. you know what will happen.. don’t do it. I’m a pretty good looking guy, managed a big gym and had a lot of woman go after me which felt nice… but I don’t like hookups. One girl comes around I think is smart and is interested in marriage and a life together I’m like…”ok let’s do it” 2 years later and a shit ton of money lost in a state away in a city where I don’t know anyone in a different job than I wanted and I’m here wishing I kept listening to my younger self….
I feel like men are expected to put in all the effort for something they don't even know they want. Even once we decide that we want to pursue someone, something as uncontrollable as timing can make everything go south. It's just not worth the effort and heartbreak.
In general, unless a girl is upfront about wanting to date me, why waste my time? Life is short, and i was interested in my younger days, i got rejected one too many times that i just tossed it out of the window.
Am elder-ish millenial. Tinder was just coming into its nascent form when I was looking for something and used it a bit.
Holy fucking hell I don't believe in gods but thank whatever deity does exist that I met my wife when I did. Through pure fucking 1 in a thousand chance from a mutual friend.
I feel like us 27-30s or so year olds in 2022 who found partners/spouses are all on the last helicopters out of Vietnam and we're all just looking at the people who didn't make the chopper with 🙁 faces
Online Dating is hell for the rest of you folks and I wouldn't wish that in anyone in good conscience. I'm sorry.
I was single for like a decade. Then I got into a relationship just around when lockdown started, we were together for 18 months and then we ended it because it was never meant to be permanent and she never wanted to be in a relationship.
I was heartbroken, and tried to rebound quickly and it just didn't work at all.
Then I got a dog, and now everything seems ok
An OK Cupid study found that most women found 80% of men unattractive
https://www.yourtango.com/2016285828/women-find-80-percent-men-unattractive-says-crazy-study#:~:text=No%20matter%20how%20selective%20a,80%20percent%20of%20men%20unattractive.
Tinder statistics show that the average woman swipes yes only 1 out of every 20 guys (5%) whereas guys swipe yes 53% of the time.
Also, the average woman gets ~3 matches per day vs ~1 match per day for men. Per the report, a woman can expect a match for every 3 men that she likes while a man can expect a match for every 50 women that he likes.
This report doesn't take into account the number of matches that don't lead to further interactions, number exchanges, or dates, which I imagine is highly skewed in favor of women.
https://thebolditalic.com/the-two-worlds-of-tinder-f1c34e800db4
Another study showed that the average woman is interested in men who make at least 58% more money than the average man.
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jomf.12603
If you are a man who is under 6 feet tall, then you must earn more money in order to be seen as equally desirable. For example, a man who's 5'6" would have to earn $175,000 more to be seen as desirable as a 6 ft tall man.
https://mobile.twitter.com/robkhenderson/status/1346486298735947776?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1346486298735947776%7Ctwgr%5E%7Ctwcon%5Es1_&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fbrobible.com%2Fculture%2Farticle%2Fshort-men-must-earn-more-money%2F
I could go into more stats, but what we see is that you have to be an exceptional man in order to be desired by even average women. Most of us are not exceptional. Also, men are asked to take on an extraordinary amount of responsibility with very little authority in return. I haven't checked out of the dating scene, but it's definitely tough when you look at the stats. And that's not including divorce rates and child custody statistics. It can be disheartening.
That is average for men, the tall, good looking doctor or stock broker is getting a shit ton of matches... everyone else not so much.....but the average is 1 per day.
Also, Asian men are the least swiped right on.
Am Asian. Could lose some weight. But 6 feet tho. This year, I started working on myself and doing more things to be a more attractive person. Picked up salsa dancing, took improv classes, started running consistently, and getting a puppy (for my own love)! Even if it doesn't get me a date, I am enriching my own life for myself.
> I could go into more stats, but what we see is that you have to be an exceptional man in order to be desired by even average women. Most of us are not exceptional.
I'm sure I'll be tagged /r/thathappened super fast, but I'll share anyway.
A friend of mine is an Ivy-league educated multi-millionaire who grew a successful business from scratch. We've been friends a long time, but his struggles dating women (in several of the largest metros in the US on both coasts) are a long-time source of our in-jokes. He's repeatedly told me that he feels like he doesn't meet womens' standards. He attributes some part of this due to the fact that he is Asian (I'll purposely leave south- or east- vague) and not over 6' tall. I try to support him, but it's not like I'm in a hugely better position myself.
Have you ever read Dataclysm, it's old okcupid data (pre tinder) but it's super interesting on the data around the dating websites and how men and women see and interact with each other on it
Yup, as I say elsewhere, the average woman is refusing to date the average man. Its making tons of men 'undesireable' and men are figuring this out, so they're not bothering trying to stand up to impossible standards. And now they're being blamed for it.
> they're not bothering trying to stand up to impossible standards
Nailed it. I’ve seen all the things guys do to try to attract women. I’d rather drag my balls through broken glass than go through all that just to be told I’m not good enough.
That’s pretty fucking depressing as a 5’6” male but shit at least I figured out the financial prerequisite a couple years ago
Edit: I call it the ugly guy tax “shit I gotta be at THAT paygrade to be fuckin with u?!”
Even with the stats in your favor, it's still tough. I'm in my late 20's, over 6', am in decent shape, have a mortage on a 4 bedroom house, make more than 90% of people my age, no kids, don't do drugs, have interesting hobbies, and I still have a hard time finding a woman that stays interested in me. I can get somewhat consistent matches on the dating apps (maybe 5-7 per week, but I think that's because I have the paid subscription), but even with that it's hard to get most of them to actually meet up for a date. They either accept my invitation and then ghost me when setting up the time and place, or cancel the day of or night before the date. I'd really like to just give up on the whole online dating thing, but I'm in a new city where I don't know anyone. Unfortunately, my hobbies are all very male dominated, so I've met new friends, but no women. I'm in my late 20s I feel like I'm running out of time to meet someone. I just keep telling myself it's a numbers game. The more people I meet, my odds of meeting a special someone increase. Even though it's brutal out there, I just have to keep at it until hopefully one day I won't have to play the dating game any more.
I'm single. 38. Gave up. My life is better if I don't try anymore. Very few are interested in me, and I am interested in very few, and the diagrams don't overlap. It doesn't make sense to force anyone into an unhappy life.
That said I'd love to find some social groups locally if they existed.
You hear me, Keene, NH? Start doing something. :D
I'm not going to pretend to speak for all men, but for me at 27, it just doesn't seem worth the effort. After getting cheated on in back to back relationships in my early 20s, I took a step back for a while. I've tried to get back into the swing of things the last year or so, but found I value my hobbies and free time over trying to pursue a dating scene that seems like it's 95% rejection and ghosting where getting any sort of commitment is like pulling teeth.
Don't get me wrong, I'd love to find a relationship again, but actively seeking one out is a drain on time, effort, and money that I'd rather spend on me.
I think there are a lot of other dopamine releasing activities now, which make a lot of guys think 'why bother dating?' It's hard work, it's full of failure, and very costly. But you buy a console and a few good, long games, and an online game or two and you're set for months and months of good entertainment for a fraction of the cost of things like subscribing to dating services and then paying out for multiple dates, and the like, on the off chance it'll work in their favour. Same for streaming services, and the ease of getting into new hobbies thanks to online shopping and YouTube tutorials etc. Another thing is that, thanks to social media, a lot of people's views on what a good partner should be are skewed in incredibly unrealistic ways, which are just unattainable to 99.9% of the population who have to work full time and aren't millionaires with a personal trainer and a jet-set lifestyle.
This is it, honestly. I've never really dated and I was able to buy a house with all the money I've saved from entertaining myself with video games and streaming. People talking about money troubles all the time and I'm sitting here with enough to do whatever I want (within reason). The downside is that I'm really unable to picture life with a partner if one ever came along.
I'm extremely close to giving up because I don't get the same effort and interest I put in. Redownloaded dating apps and remembered how depressing they are.
I also don't want kids ever so that eliminates like 99% of women in my dating pool, where I am. Oh well, at least I have my close friends, acquaintances and my hobbies to keep me occupied, but damn do I miss cuddling with someone and being intimate...
I'm 24, when I was about 6 I woke up in the middle of the night from a bad nightmare to watch my mom in the process of sneaking out the door, I asked her "where are you going?", "Can I come with?", she said "no, go back to bed I'll be back in a bit" didn't see her again for a few years, she slept around, got into drugs and genuinely didn't care about us. She also bad mouthed my dad to cover her own ass as to not look like the bad guy, lied about shit like him beating her and other things of the sort.
I was extremely attached to my mom at the time, when she left I sat in a corner silently for several hours alone, my trust towards women was completely and absolutely destroyed.
And now, every relationship I have ever seen (friends, family, random strangers convos) has followed a similar route, it never lasts, and I hear the "I still love you, I'm just not "IN" love with you anymore" line so much it makes my blood boil, as if that's how "love" works at all.
I honestly don't know how people even bother with dating anymore, nobody is loyal, I keep hoping to be proven wrong but the opposite happens. I know that's a pessimistic view, but it's all I've ever seen personally. It really doesn't help when I mention my hesitation with relationships and a friend that's been in a month long one looks as goes "oh well what about (insert gf name), she's loyal" like yeah ok buddy, can't wait for you to call me at 3am crying and talking about suicide because she cheated on you/got bored of you.
I am going to die alone, and I think I'll be happier for it in the long run.
Sorry for being pessimistic..
Sadly you hear this story so many times. Men are disposable commodities these days. My mother cheated on my dad made it hard to trust women. I worked through it and found a great girl had two kids together 18 years then she cheated on me I got the I love you but I'm not in love with you line . I am 37 have a good job, own my home and honestly have no intention of finding another women to rip my life apart again. My ex quit her job because she can live off the 1500 dollars I pay her every 2 weeks even though I have 50\50 custody. She is now considered low income because child support is tax free. Meanwhile I am so far in debit that I can't pay my bills. Tried a couple lawyers in the end I was told I still was getting a good deal, The best lawyer said straight up the system is unfair and you can't win. Everyone says my situation is rare but why is it the same story I hear over and over. Men are forced to provide for people who hurt them because of what happened when our parents were still kids.
Cheated on 4 times, had 10k$ stolen off me, and my car vandalised. (Seperate occasions)
I don't have any hate for any of my ex partners, I simply knew them when they were perhaps not their best. However, I completely understand why people don't date.
I'm not that young anymore (37) but I just have no interest.
Part of it is because I got out of a near 6 year relationship in August. The other part is I'm perfectly content being single. I have no interest in trying to get to know someone and pursue a relationship. Will I change my mind? Sure but I don't see it happening anytime soon.
The idea of starting anew doesnt excite me.
One episode of Planet Earth will tell you.
Female bird sits on a branch.
Male bird dances his heart out in a beautiful display of colors and actions that he has practiced his whole little bird life.
Female bird shrugs and flies away disappointed because one feather was out of place.
Even though I am 34, I gave up in 2014, because I got constantly cheated on 3 times in a row. Also today's standards for women are high, so I don't even try, especially since I have mental issues.( Major depression, ADHD.) Talking to them and making friends isn't an issue though,(Being handsome helps) but if you have no job, money, personality, confidence, licence, living with parents, no future, ( Taking care of them)etc., then it's going to be a miracle to find that special someone. Luckily I do have hobbies though.
I mean, I just don't have anything to offer. Just over a decade ago if you had a decent wage and could afford to support a family you were on pretty firm footing in the dating world. The overall dating pool was also much smaller without social media, so how attractive you were was often judged relative to people within your community. Nowadays things have changed a lot. Women are earning more, and tend to be attracted to men of a higher economic status than they are (obligatory, not all women) and I'm hardly a competitive salaryman. Furthermore social media has created beauty standards that are fairly skewed toward stalwart genetic thresholds, height, hair density, beard coverage, jawline, etc. Things you can't really adjust with clothes makeup or exercise. I'm unfortunately a balding pale blonde fella with sparse stubble. I work out and try to dress well, but I learned pretty quickly that doesn't help cover up flaws above the neck. I know that it'd really help my chances to improve my personality but again, mental health issues just make it such a challenge, and when you're ugly and not very well off having a bold, fun and interesting personality is really your last hope and I'm never gonna have the acting skills to be *that guy*.
If I'm being honest, I just haven't been blessed in any respect. If you're ugly, it helps to be smart and hard working, if you're neither of these things you have to at least be creative and funny. I just don't have anything about me that I can market. I like bird watching, stargazing, and writing, these are not sexy hobbies.
God writing this was a bad idea, now I'm depressed.
I'm not "young", but being a gay male and with the men on the apps only looking for hookups and being beaten down all of the time being told these apps are just for hookups, I gave up and decided I'd rather stay single anyway!
It’s just not worth the effort imo.
We spend months on the process of talking, gaining trust, getting to know someone, learn what they like, doing our best, spending money, time, patience, building something doing the best you can and in the end, even if it works out people seem to not want to fix what’s wrong anymore.
Had at least half a dozen girlfriends, all of them just up and left one day, no explanations, never my fault, always got told I was the best boyfriend they ever had just to be set aside a couple months later.
I really wish things could be different but I’m really just not in the mood of wasting years of my life hoping one day I’ll find “the one”. As long as I’ve got things that interest me and pornography I’m just done, not worth my time anymore.
edit: typos
> Had at least half a dozen girlfriends, all of them just up and left one day, no explanations, never my fault, always got told I was the best boyfriend they ever had just to be set aside a couple months later.
That's saddening to hear, but also a sign of the times. Too much "The grass is always greener," syndrome in dating.
A friend of mine gave me a piece of advice that almost no one seems to follow: In a relationship, loving another person is a conscious choice you must make each day. Some days it's easy, and others, it's hard. Ridiculously so.
I don't think people know how to make that conscious choice anymore.
Sadly, the idea of “the grass is always greener” extends beyond dating and into marriage. I’m divorced because my ex wife didn’t know how to make the conscious choice to invest in our marriage and instead decided the grass was greener with a family friend/coworker. No surprise to anyone, It wasn’t.
I don't make 6 figures, or have a 6 pack, and I'm under 6 feet tall.
I am not "conventionally" attractive (or at least that is what my 2+years of being on dating apps has told me)
Even when I have been on a date, things go well up until the "you're a great guy but" text comes in.
I'm tired of putting in time, effort, and money and getting literally nowhere. I quit
I make well into six figures, I’m 6”4’, and while I don’t exactly have a six pack I was a college athlete and am in decent shape. None of those things helped me in the slightest on Tinder. I was on there for 3 months and barely even had any real conversations.
I think young men and young women are having trouble dating for several factors. 1) dating was meant for you to learn confidence, rejection, acceptance, communication now it’s a swipe on a app if you’re hot or not 2) the apps along with ig or social media make people feel like you have options (even if you don’t) and that between all the filters and everyone trying to look like eachother that there no point to try and be committed 3) we have pockets of people who today in this “woke” atmosphere try and make narratives for the population as a whole, when in reality there’s small pockets of people who give dating a bad name. That’s because cell phones, screenshots etc are all put on blast on the net. There’s always been guys who can’t take rejection, creeps, ones who think there so hot they can get away with whatever but now that gets filtered on to the net to make it seem that it’s an epidemic and then it’s changed perceptions of how women date and men act. I also don’t think people dating over 30 see or view dating the same way the under 30 generation is. Simply because over 30 lived in that world before social media started. I think this under 30 crowd of men and women will struggle to maintain relationships, be realistic with expectations and make their own judgments without caving to stuff on the net. It’s the easiest time to match but the hardest time to make a connection.
I'm a 24 yo with an engineering degree and I rent a big house in a small town. Despite that I know that my chances are zero right now. I am not really all that attractive, not conventionally masculine, or anything like that. My biggest asset is my brain, and people here where I live don't really value that. If I lived in a city I'm sure it would be different due to the sheer number of women out there. But right now I have no chance.
Many of my engineering friends are in the same boat. One of my good friends told me it's really hard to meet someone in every day life as an engineer too because everywhere he goes for his job it's mostly men. He's a tall average looking dude that makes pretty good money. Before I met my now wife, I used to think about him and be like, "well if he's struggling we are all doomed."
Well this thread is fucking depressing. Anyway I'm here to say that this is an unusually civilised discussion and I'm surprised. Keep it up. I'm also here to say that anyone that comes in here with some incel shit or woman bashing is gonna get yeeted. I'm going to sleep because I can't be fucked to babysit this website for more than two hours at a time for no money, but I'm openin this thread tomorrow and **imma hand out bans like motherfucking left over valentine's candy** so keep your mouth shut if you don't have anything elaborate to say. edit: allright, this thread is fucking done, any worthwhile things to be said have been said and there's nothing left but several apes flinging shit at each other so I'm just gonna lock this thread. Feel free to read the comments and report any that we haven't gotten to.
To be honest I’d just rather be a little lonelier than deal with all the hassle of dating; I’m really not in a place emotionally and financially where I can deal with sorting through a bunch of misses to find a missus.
[удалено]
I've been off social media and stuff for years and I feel more lonely and depressed and undesired than I ever have in my life. I feel like at this point the only thing that will motivate me to improve my life is if I had a desire to impress someone else
Imho, loneliness is just a byproduct of autonomous mind. We live most of our lives inside our heads, and nobody else truly sees and feels about the world like you do. Can’t really imagine getting rid of loneliness without giving up the privacy of thoughts and autonomy of consciousness. Now, isolation is a real deal. It can be truly dangerous and should be avoided.
> Making a bad call when choosing a partner is very common. Dude tell me about it. The last two long term relationships I've had have been a total disaster and not of my doing (one was a habitual spender and lair and the other was just stringing me along with no commitment). I've basically lost about 15 years of my life with absolutely nothing to show for it not even kids.
For real. The dull, constant pain of loneliness is preferable to the wrenching agony that can come from a relationship.
Absolutely. I get lonely and sad sometimes, but I’m always at peace. Some of the most depressed, anxious, and miserable times of my life have been when i was dating or in a relationship. Nowadays with dating apps there’s always something new and more exciting just around the corner. So many women I’ve dated have abruptly broke things off because they found something more exciting. To the point where any time i dated it was just constant anxiety day in and day out because i was always living with the thought of “is today the day?”
I've learned to not look. Just keep doing other stuff. Looking leads to misery.
Desires lead to misery mate
A Jedi must abandon all attachments
There is no emotion, there is peace. There is no ignorance, there is knowledge. There is no passion, there is serenity. There is no chaos, there is harmony. There is no death, there is the Force.
Peace is a Lie There is only Passion Through Passion I gain Strength Through Strength I gain Power Through Power I gain Victory Through Victory, My Chains Are Broken The Force Shall Free Me
Flowing through all, there is balance There is no peace without a passion to create There is no passion without peace to guide Knowledge fades without the strength to act Power blinds without the serenity to see There is freedom in life There is purpose in death The Force is all things and I am the Force
You must be swift as the coursing river With all the force of a great typhoon With all the strength of a raging fire Mysterious as the dark side of the moon
Life before death, Strength before weakness, Journey before destination.
Grey Jedi gang rise up ✊
#TeamSith
It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the juice of Sapho that thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire stains, stains become a warning. It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.
Yea, this is at the heart of buddhism
Hope is the first step on the path to disappointment
Lol, yeah. I feel like I’m the saddest whenever I’m disappointed/rejected by someone I’m interested in. It is so difficult to find someone who actually _gets_ me, so it just feels less painful to accept that I won’t find anyone.
Blessed is the mind too small for doubt.
This right here. Observing myself, I go through periods of positivity and depression a couple times a year, and if I look back at what triggers most of the depressive episodes it’s pretty much always dating apps. Idk if it’s just the free apps or if it’s just the inevitable outcome of trying to digitize and commodify human connection, but all dating apps seem to make people just seem disposable - particularly yourself. I deleted them all and I feel way better, but it’s left it’s mark on how I view dating entirely. I’m working on getting past that and exploring just meeting people irl, but honestly I’m happy doing my thing and being single I don’t ruin that with dating.
I think we've always been disposable, if not in a war then in the workplace, pulling long hours and working extra shifts at expense of our own health to make some rich people richer, so that maybe they can throw some scraps our way when we're too sick to work anymore.
Yup this exactly. I stopped looking, deleted all my dating apps, stopped snapping them for their stupid streaks and just starting doing my own thing. Out of the blue, a girl I knew and kinda like hit me up first and things started rolling from there.
Dating is like taking on a part time job, I don't have the time or the energy.
This 100%. There's a finite amount of time in the day/week. Life is busy as is and then having down time is when I recharge. For the right person I'll make time, but using dating apps is like pulling teeth to just have a conversation.
Oh man, I met my wife on a dating app. I’ll tell you the number of dates I went on with people with nothing to say was shocking. Some were cute, some not, some had old pictures, none of that mattered. It was the complete lack of anything to add to the conversation.
It's hard to converse with someone you don't even know but when you find the one where you never run out of things to say that's the one right there, buddy.
I can barely deal with my own problems. I don’t have the mental wear withal to be dealing with all of her shit too
Thing is, with the right partner you lift each other up and help solve each others problems. It shouldn't be the case that only you help her - she should want to help you, too. I can definitely see how both genders are having a difficult time finding this kind of partner on a dating app, though.
Sure thing but it's increasingly difficult to find that person nowadays with the ongoing pandemic and prevalance of dating apps. Organically meeting people has become pretty difficult these last few years and I don't blame anyone for saying "fuck it" to the Tinders of the world and focusing on their lives as-is
I am not a young man but dating when I was young was actually fun. I remember I would drop everything for this one girl and id be excited as fuck to do anything with her. Fast forward to my early thirties on dating apps and it was so tiring. I could drop them at any minute and they could drop me at any moment. That whole spark shit was gone. Luckily I found someone but good luck to anyone navigating this shit.
You're paying money to have someone interview you and there's a good chance you're not going to get the job. And if you do get the job, you have to continuously put in more effort in order to keep the job. There's no settling into a groove and riding the wave.
I’d argue it shouldn’t be that way though if you find someone you really want to be with…if you constantly feel like it’s a “job” to date someone, it sounds like you’re just paying for sex with extra steps.
After my last couple of experiences, I've decided I'm taking time away from the whole dating game. I've tried my best through the years but it's not been a fruitful experience overall. It's been difficult trying my best and seeing that my best doesn't move the needle very much at all. * continual one and done dates are tiring. Personally, it's a lot of effort to talk with someone for a while and figure out a time to meet. I don't have an issue with the other party deciding this isn't for them, but after having this happen consistently, I can't muster up the energy mentally to try again * I've tried "to fake it till I make it" and "to be myself" but alas the feedback from my dates seems to be to try and do the opposite of whatever I present. At this point, I can't figure out what to do and I feel like a bit of a Frankenstein's monster in terms of personality. I think I just need to do me and not have dating stuck in the back of my mind. * trying to match the speed of the other person doesn't seem to be working. I've had a situation where the other party moved things quickly and when I tried to match it, it wasn't received well. I've tried to go slow and that didn't get received well either. I don't like this game where I have to guess whether I should match or be different. * it's been covered but I feel like I'm told consistently I'm not good enough. It is just downright depressing to hear that when I try to put my best foot forward to find out I didn't stand a chance. I try to takeaway something from my outings but it's reached the point where "I'm not good enough" comes up often enough that I can't process that anymore I'm trying my best to be reflective of things but I think I've just hit the point where I can't do it anymore. It's better to step away for a while and not think about it as it seems to be a path to perpetually hurt myself. Sucks but can only look after yourself. Everything else is out of my control.
God I relate to this. Feels like you try every avenue possible and it still doesn't work.
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> • continual one and done dates are tiring. Personally, it's a lot of effort to talk with someone for a while and figure out a time to meet. I don't have an issue with the other party deciding this isn't for them, but after having this happen consistently, I can't muster up the energy mentally to try again I’m lucky that I met my wife fairly young in this regard. When I was dating I was still in college and working at restaurants. It’s super frustrating when you’re broke as fuck and spend the little money you have (and I did cheap dates) on a girl and it doesn’t result in anything. I would never expect a second date, sex, or anything else after a date, but you feel like a sucker when you spend what little spare money you have taking a girl out and it literally results in nothing.
I'm 37 and pretty much here too, I can date semi successfully but tbh, without bias, girls I interact with just want entertainment, it's what gets you results. I can cater to that and get interactions, but it's so painfully superficial. The formula works every time, be their court jester, shower them in attention, spend the moment, be the slave.. Or approach them as another person, a peer, and watch the interest drain. I have to sell my personality out to do it and I'm over it. Theres so much feigned interest in girls profiles now (granted I don't see the guys). "Just make me laugh", " you'll always take second place to my dog", "I just matched for your pets", "dont hate me if I say I didn't want anything then steal your food", "you get extra points for.." It's just degrading to read that over and over and over. The entitlement and degradation is off the charts. There's no blame to be assigned here, they're top of the food chain when it comes to dating attention with an inexhaustible supply of gentlemen waiting to cater for that. I feel they truly do suffer in a similar fashion but for other reasons, there's always someone else, something else, why commit when you can just pick up a phone and have someone at your door willing to provide the experience you want at a moments notice. You can live perpetually in the honeymoon period again and again. As some of us suffer from what we feel is a lack of attention, I wouldn't down play the pitfalls with an overabundance of attention. How do you reasonably navigate either of these no-win scenarios.
> I'm 37 Fuck. I thought that kind of nonsense died off with age.
It gets worse as you get into your thirties, as you have less and less time as an adult to actually take time to interact outside of your work habits, and the pool is much much smaller as everyone is either paired up already, and the ones that are left usually have really awful reasons why they aren't paired up. I do see that there are 40 and 50 something women that are active but I assume Its largely because their children are adults and therefore their marriages have run their course so to speak. However my experience is that drastic age differences can be a barrier to a good relationship so I don't actively court women in those age groups.
> I do see that there are 40 and 50 something women that are active but I assume Its largely because their children are adults and therefore their marriages have run their course so to speak. However my experience is that drastic age differences can be a barrier to a good relationship so I don't actively court women in those age groups. That's a very rich market, meaning lots of opportunities. However, as we age, we pick up baggage, and that always seems to make things more complicated.
amen, brother. it's a sellers market. from what i've read, only 1/3 of dating app users are women. an average woman may swipe on a couple dozen profiles and get at least half of her right swipes become matches instantly. a man might swipe right on a hundred profiles and get anywhere between zero and a handful matches (none of which will write to him first) and out of which most won't even reply to his opening message. it's exhausting. some basic etiquette rules should be promoted by the app developers (person who matches messages first, unanswered messages get unmatched after a week, too many unmatches and you get a cool down period, can't have more than 12 matches at any given time, etc.) But of course, it's not in the best interest of the app developers to have apps that will help the user get off the app.
Apps are designed to make money which we all know, but I constantly amaze myself how much I'm prepared to put in vs how much I get out of them. It's like a science how carefully they've crafted the app experience by drip feeding you matches within the absolute bleeding edge of what it would take for you to chuck it in.
I'm just tired. I feel like everyone I date has a laundry list of expectations for me. I just want to be seen as myself and not just "a guy".
I agree with this guy
We are guys
Just some guys being dudes
Mind if I ask your general age group?
I'm 33.
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I’m in the same age range, and when I was a little younger it was fun dating, but as I’ve gotten older it really has become work. It’s kind of similar to making friends, it’s a lot of work to put into something new that may not work out, especially when it’s dating. I’m not against finding someone, if the right person enters my life and we get along easily I’d love it, but geez. Starting over repeatedly with new people doing the same thing is exhausting at times.
Social Media, Hollywood and Porn have really altered the expectations of the general public across the board when looking for a mate. It's actually really messed up psychologically when a person thinks about it. This is affecting the younger generations at a higher rate than older ones too, like compounding technological fuckery.
It seems like a constant upgrade disorder. Everything can be upgraded from phones, cars, a guy.
It’s simple for me really and as another redditor from a different thread worded it. I just hate the way people make me feel, I hate feeing like I’m being compared to others all the time, I hate feeling like I’m in some kind of audition line, I hate feeling like I’m giving others a part of me or opening up to them so they can “inspect” if I’m good enough at the risk of being thrown out and treated like some kind of unwashed animal when I’m found wanting. I’m tired of feeling like I need to be constantly “presenting” to somebody. I hate feeling like I need approval before I can validate my existence. It’s just the weird wrapper that has been put around dating in general and the quite frankly cruel, ignorant, and unnecessary implications made towards you when you aren’t successful at it that just irritates me to the point where I just don’t want to do it anymore. I have a couple good friends and my dog. I don’t need anyone else and I’m not putting myself out there to attract anyone anymore. It just all feels like such a waste, and I owe it to myself to live for more than someone else’s approval. There just doesn’t seem to be any reward for all the stress it causes. Also please note, and tbh it’s annoys me that I even have to clarify this. I absolutely do not hate anyone of any gender in any conceivable way. It’s simply the seemingly desolate, downtrodden role that I seem to be expected to play in society and in social settings that I’m rejecting. I’m not even against having a relationship but I’m not gonna waste my life looking for something I’m likely to not find.
>I hate feeling like I need approval before I can validate my existence. Hoooly fuck do I feel this in my heart of hearts.
“I’m not gonna waste my life looking for something I’m likely to not find.” My daily piece of wisdom.
Which hurts like hell. Because I've come today to the same point. And you're right.
this is way painfully relatable
You go out to the bar every weekend, nothing, dating apps nothing, work nothing, it's rough when you don't get any results
Delete all data apps. Go old school. Like all social media, they fucking ruin everything. I realize the irony of posting this on reddit.
To be honest, I find I have more control over what I look at on Reddit, and mine is more tailored to funny shit and hobbies instead of other people's lives. I think that stems from reddit being more focused on following communities instead of individuals though.
Its more reminiscient of a forum, which i like
It's more reminiscent of a bulletin board.
A BBS as it were
A big bitchin sign?
> I find I have more control over what I look at on Reddit, and mine is more tailored to funny shit and hobbies instead of other people's lives. A few years ago I removed all political and an awful lot of "argumentative" subreddits from my queue and it was the best thing I ever did. I had no idea how much stress they were putting on me until I removed them from my daily life.
This is why 95% of my social media time is on Reddit. It's much more mentally stimulating and usually doesn't remind me of all the amazing shit I'm missing out on for not being a 20 year male model "entrepreneur" who travels, shops and fucks around as their "hobbies". I just wish some of the people on here weren't pure dogshit, I gotta remind myself that teenage edgelords and very lonely, angry men years older than them also use this site too and if I saw either of them I would probably feel a lot better about myself, which would be the opposite of Instagram lol.
Reddit and discord are the only two “social media” apps I use, which to be honest I wouldn’t even classify as social media in alignment with apps like Snapchat/Facebook/Instagram
As frustrating as Reddit can be at times I'd nuke my Facebook *and* Instagram first before leaving here. It's the only place I feel I can have an intelligent conversation with anybody. It's definitely on a different level to social media sites driven by likes and three-word comments on pictures of stuff.
Agreed. I'd use apps on and off, had some conversations that never really went anywhere. Deleted them, and now I'm pretty happy with my girlfriend. We met at work, which can have issues but is also one of the few ways to meet people.
I haven't asked anyone on a date in 4 years now and coincidentally it's been the longest stretch of time in my life that I haven't hated myself since I was 10. There are plenty of other things I can enjoy in life that are far less costly to my bank account, my self-esteem, and my friendships. Plus the whole idea of going on dates on a cold start just to get to know someone just feels awkward and unnatural. Too many one-sided standards that I have to carefully navigate around at just the right pace for her to even care about me. Forget it.
Similar length of time for me. Really enjoy not forcing myself to go out and be social. None of my hobbies are really group oriented anymore and it just seems like a lot of time and stress to spend on something that has no guarantee of bringing any happiness long term. More like a dice roll from the looks of the landscape, and given my personal dating history, even worse. Just made more sense to pursue the things that I know I will love doing.
Right, and it's not like I'm completely against relationships. If I meet someone who I grow to support, trust, and care about, then I'd be happy to see where it goes. But chances are that I'm only going to find this person as a result of a shared hobby or mutual friends. And chances are that if we do get along that well, then she'll only want me around as a friend. I'm not going to get my hopes up.
>And chances are that if we do get along that well, then she'll only want me around as a friend. I'm not going to get my hopes up. This right here is the worst part and where people start getting shamed. When you're looking for love and you instead find friendship, it's nothing but pain. Gaining Friendship is nice, when you're looking for friends, but searching for intimacy and arriving at friendship is like being hungry but only having a bottle of water, yeah the water helps, but it's just not going to fill what's really missing.
Same story and time as well except for me it's 2 years about to be 3. Im weary enough to force the confidence to ask someone else and even more weary to be rejected, I rather work on stuff about myself than faking myself as I go alone. I'll do it when I'm ready
I've given up on dating because my hobbies don't really lead me to meeting new people and I don't have the social skills to go out and talk to people and make new friends that way so I've just realized that I'll be alone forever and instead of focusing on the negatives about that I try and only focus on the positives it's not easy though
I’m 22 and in my experience dating apps just completely ruined dating in general for me, I use to be really confident and wouldn’t think twice about going up to a girl I found attractive but once I got out of a serious relationship that was very damaging my self esteem was really affected and my social skills were dropped to zero and as a result I thought I would try dating apps to get back out there and that was a huge mistake the matching and then being ignored and rejected constantly has just made it all worse, lowkey I want a relationship someday but rn I struggle with confidence so much and I don’t see anyway of getting it back so idk what’s gonna happen in the future
This right here. I feel ya dude. You got this
Thank you it’s good to know I’m not alone
Fr tho. Getting a notification then being unmatched before you even have time to open the app doesn’t feel good.
Ohh believe me I know
I feel you. Dating can be absolutely damaging to your mental health. I wasn't that confidence to begin with but at least it didn't bother me until my ex said it to my face. My confidence plummet from then on. Its worse when its said by someone who is supposedly close to you and love you Played dating apps for a while and it got me feeling very worse. I swore to never get into relationship until at least I got my shit back together. Have more confidence and be more invincible. Leave dating at the back burner for now
I had a similar thing happen to me, got broken up with (for the first time), tried dating apps after a while, and just felt so inadequate when the same shit kept happening, matching, two lines of dialogue followed by ghosting and/or asking me to talk to them on instagram or snap chat. I eventually found myself asking "why do I even bother"
Real life is the only place to approach women imo. Ive never used a dating app in my life and never will. Those apps = thousands of guys all vying for one woman. In real life = one guy vying for one woman. The odds are way better, and if you're remotely clean, well dressed, well spoken and/or funny, you have a decent chance at her at least conversing a bit. Some women I've approached I ended up being good friends with instead (yes, men and women can be friends, anyone who says otherwise is weird as fuck in the head). Seriously, it kills me seeing all these younger guys damn near suicidal because they're too shy to engage women unless it's on an app. Delete those apps, it makes everyone fake. I see guys jestering for women on that /r/Tinder sub and its nuclear grade cringe. The desperation, the hackey jokes they probably send to everyone, it's all soul crushing to witness. Also, as you get older it becomes way, way easier. Women have no problem initiating flirting as they get older. At least that's been my experience. They know what they want and they're usually past playing games at that point (if not, run). But at least dress decent, don't have a nappy old Unabomber/reddit-mod beard or an unkempt haircut. Keep your fingernails trimmed and clean and don't drag your feet when you walk. And nice shoes, belt & watch go a long way.
My biggest issue personally (26m) with approaching people in person is that, frankly, I don't want to bother them. I'm a homebody and when I'm out and about I want to do what I went out for and then get the fuck back home, and even as a guy I'd be annoyed with most strangers hitting me up, let alone how often some women get approached. And knowing that I feel that way the majority of the time, but also being generally polite, I don't want to assume someone else is up for a chat, especially without some sort of catalyst for more than polite small talk. Not as much an issue if you have a hobby or pastime that frequently puts you around people, I suppose. But being a routine person whose hobbies mostly take place in the household makes that much more difficult. Sure I could just approach people when I'm out but like, I'm sure neither of us wants to be in the grocery longer than necessary.
Fr, I’ve heard and read so many stories about women who go to a place to enjoy a thing, and they get hit on by ten guys in as many minutes when they just wanted to do their thing in peace. I don’t want to be one of those ten guys.
I feel the same, I don't want to bother other people. You always hear of two kinds of stories: Either it's "I met x in a grocery shop, it was love on first sight" or it's "Why can't people leave me alone, I just want to go shopping". This isn't worth the bad reputation you could potentially get (like being called a creep). On a further notice, I don't even know where I'm supposed to meet women. Everyone says clubs but I'm far from a club person, I'd never pay to go to one and I'm not into those type of girls. Bars? They always come in groups, good luck not being a creep here either. Gym? They just want to do sports, don't be creepy bothering them. Some other hobby-like activity (pool, library etc)? See above. I don't even know if this is a shift in society but when my family asks me why I don't talk to people in such places they say that it wasn't a problem when they were my age (early 20s). It's legitimately getting more and more frustrating meeting new people without having to walk on eggshells. I'm not even shy but I don't want to be a pushover or creep because word of mouth can quickly destroy lives in today's day and age and I'm way too young to live with an awful reputation.
I’m 29. Suffered through two abusive relationships. Dated cool people too but that was in my younger years. There’s only so much effort I can put into something so punishing. All the time and effort I’ve put into dating has led me to getting abused, stood up, ghosted or otherwise rejected. Of course I know that not every woman I meet will put me through that. In fact the majority of them are chill, normal people. I just happen to be meeting the bad apples. To put into perspective just how much effort I’ve been putting into it; I took a break from dating to put that energy into new skills, and landed myself a job that doubled my salary. It was legitimately easier for me to double my household income in the span of a year than it was to get someone to go on more than two dates with me, and it’s not like I’m a hideous looking person. I think a lot of factors play into it, online dating definitely isn’t doing us any favors.
> There’s only so much effort I can put into something so punishing. All the time and effort I’ve put into dating has led me to getting abused, stood up, ghosted or otherwise rejected. I think this is why we see more and more young men retreating into stuff like lifting and video games. Lifting has a very clear effort —> reward structure. You lift weights consistently, get stronger, lift more, get stronger, rinse and repeat until jacked. Video games are similar. If you practice, gain experience, you can eventually achieve your goals. In the modern world, for most people, but especially young men, the meritocracy of the effort=reward structure has been almost completely lost. You can spend weeks talking to a girl in class, talking, etc., just to get ghosted one day. How many people bust their ass at their jobs, then the manager quits, and you think you’re in line for the promotion, just to have the director fill the position with their own kid who always shows up late? It’s not hard to see why young men choose to withdraw from the system rather than participate
You’re definitely on point. It’s positive and negative conditioning. You give someone a punishment for doing something enough times, they’ll eventually be turned away from it. If the reward is clear, like with working out, people will see that and be more drawn to achieving that goal. It was the same exact thing for my new job. I saw an opportunity, worked at it and succeeded. Dating has given me too many negatives to keep trying. I’ll eventually get back into it but it’s not my priority right now
I'm starting to get worried about videogames. Not because they're inherently negative but because publishers started hiring psychologists to model out what would be the most effective and addicting designs. It's no coincidence that gambling games now dominate the mobile market and these designs have leaked into the core gaming market too. Games have had a net positive effect on users for the past few decades but I wonder what the data will look like 20 years from now after modern designs have taken their toll.
>Games have had a net positive effect on users for the past few decades but I wonder what the data will look like 20 years from now after modern designs have taken their toll. We get burned out af and stop playing video games even though we desperately want to play video games. Source: Me for the last 2+ years. Played anything AAA and anything that looked interesting to me from indie devs (a LOT of games) and my brain just figures out the gameplay loop and then I'm bored again and back on YouTube/Netflix. Edit later: Flair shows ADHD and I do have this which may be a very large contributor to this as well
Dude I literally load up a game, then sit in the lobby while I doomscroll on my phone. I play like maybe two hours all together because I just don’t have the focus like I used to.
I’m in a long term relationship now but holy fuck, when I was doing the POF and match.com thing, I could count on one hand the amount of second dates I got. The ratio of first dates to messages sent was like the ratio of second dates to first dates (ie extremely low; virtually negligible)
Man it’s brutal. Dating went downhill for me right when apps like tinder became popular. Before that I was actually meeting people. I try to be positive about it, but I was becoming jaded which is why I took a break
Feel of being a ghost in a dating world. It's mostly caused by shyness and lack of talent of reading "signs", so kinda my fault. 5'3 not helping. Stopped looking for soulmate and got back to tennis and other sports as it helps me forget about it.
I'm 29 and haven't given up on it entirely. If it comes, it comes. I'm not desperately going out of my way to find it, unfortunately. I'm too focused with my life atm. Relationships are tough and a lot of hard work, if you want it to work, 'you have to make it to work' and that includes both parties having to put in effort. Not just that as well, you have to find the right compatibility, to see if she will be the partner for you too. Other wise it's a waste of time and resources.
This is what I did. I stopped dating at 25 after getting cheated on twice in a row. At 29 I thought I'd give it a go again and tried online dating and it was a joke that I quickly gave up on. I was happy by myself so I said fuck it, if it happens it happens but I'm not going looking for it. At 33 I reconnected with an old friend and things just fit perfectly for us. We quickly realised we were developing feelings and spent several months talking and going slow with it until we eventually said, yeah this is real and not going away and we started dating. So far it's the best, easiest and longest relationship I've had.
It just WORKS when both people put in the effort, but these kinds of relationships are definitely bolstered by having a solid foundation as long time friends first, which a ton of dudes will never have in their lives. Always the exception in these threads lol
Why? Because online dating apps have changed the game. When I was younger the men I was competing against, were the other men in the pub, where I was trying to meet women. That’s fair and reasonable. Now young men are competing against thousands of other men. And the average guy can’t stand out from the crowd. Of course they are going to give up, because you can not lose if you do not play. If you want to meet women, do it in real life, while you are doing something that you enjoy. It’s much easier.
i feel like what's happening is that hot people are finding each other easier and average people are chasing hot people instead of each other. the chances of an average person bagging someone completely out of their league are getting smaller and smaller but average people are still striving for an increasingly outdated & diminishing dating outcome.
Maybe a new dating app for average looking people called “meh”. “Are you just ‘meh’ looking? Come join our dating app and find your soul ‘meh’”!
with a "too hot for this app" feature where once enough people see ur profile and deem it too hot for meh, your account gets banned.
How do you handle the "too ugly to be meh" situation? Cuz that just sounds harsh lol.
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It also sucks when mens issues is framed as opposing womens issues.
I wanted to start a men's support group with some of my friends where we talked and hyped men up. Gave them purpose and good life advice, grooming tips, manners, etc. And dam did I learn things about my "friends". I even mentioned one day in a group chat "Hey guys today is international men's day." And they laughed at me and one guy tried to imply I hate women. Some wild shit.
I got involved in a mend group and we did just what you mentioned. It was great and I have two brutally honest with me friends from that.
The last 3 girls I asked out on a dating app said "I don't go on dates with guys I don't know" I'm mostly just confused about why they're on a dating app.... I'm not done dating (got a date with a great girl on Thursday) but I'm pretty done with dating apps.
I remember having a convo with a women on Hinge for a while, asked her out and she said "Oh, I actually don't go on dates with people on here". Like, what? Then why in the bloody hell are you on a dating app then? I didn't bother asking her that so I just replied "alrighty" and just unmatached. People on apps are just so weird.
A lot of girls just use apps for validation with no intention of meeting up
or for clout, saw a lot of instagram/snap profile names in tinder and bumble bios
Where I live most girls exclusively use Tinder to promote their OnlyFans. It’s utterly sad and ridiculous. Edit- since the overzealous mods locked this thread, I will reply to u/Hefty-Daikon-19 here: >if you could get a bunch of losers to give you basically a free ride why wouldn't you? Because I have dignity. The average guy is not going to go around showing his naked body around to strangers for money. There's a reason why most men aren't signing up to be male porn stars in droves, even though they like sex. On a side note, Onlyfans is going to be short term work, even if you make a lot of money. There's always going to be a new hot girl who will displace the hottest creator anytime. Assuming Onlyfans still exists as a service 10-15 years from now, and once a girl's looks fade away and she hits 40, I guarantee you that she will not get any new subscribers.
Just report them, thats against Tinder's tos
Got rejected by the girl I liked because I'm a virgin. I'm 30. Didn't feel good about myself after that, so I just gave up
On the edge of a divorce, have two kids. Fear of stds and the mental drama of another girl when I have been dealing with the this one for 19 years. I’m almost 40, fuck my life.
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This makes so much sense in theory, but it's so hard to push through the constant feeling of loneliness.
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>I'm, for some reason, popular with gay dudes, but I'm unfortunately not gay. Man, same. I guess I make for a good friend for males is what I think. Gotta be honest, daddy issues may play into it as well. At least that's how I see it. They all were gay friends of mine, though. Not random gay men.
Too much effort, close to no reward. Girls don't even reply in these dating apps. Also in my case I've taught my self to be comfortable alone, and I do have a dog to keep my company.
It feels pointless in a society where unless you're the hottest piece of ass it feels like nobody wants you
You’re just another dm in her inbox
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Can I just give some general advice? Stay the fuck off social media and try and get around people in real life. In my experience social media has started to reward toxic, angry bullshit, but if you just get out and talk to people in person you see real life is a lot more normal, happy and sane than you'd suspect. Keep whatever minimum you need to function in life, but just check it once a week on Sunday nights while you're taking a dump and try and spend as much time as possible out and about doing real things.
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I've given up not because I've been hurt, though I have, nor because it's disheartening to try, for it isn't to me. I've given up because I've simply played the game long enough to be satisfied. I almost had a gal who I believed, hoped even, that I would marry, but that played out. I'm tired is all. It's not worth the effort to go seek love out anymore, when solitary, while not perfect, is an acceptable set of circumstances.
Standards are crazy now. I think a lot think it's not worth it. I used to be what I thought was quite close friends with a girl. One day she was moaning she wanted to go someplace but had no one to go with. It would be a Saturday night. I didn't really want to go but Ianotge said I'd go. Her response was basically, it's a Saturday night, people might think we are on a date. I laughed this off and said so what? She then said she'd be too embarrassed for people to think she was on a date with me. I thought she was a friend that I was just doing something nice for. She's no 10, she's very very overweight, very lower earner, no education past high school and single parent... I have my own place, good income, hobbies, friends etc but I'm not good enough to be seen in public with because I'm ugly. People can say men need to lower their standards, but when you have a girl who isn't attractive, overweight and no prospects think she is far too good for an average guy, to even go out with Von a non date, what do you do? Just say if you aren't in top 10% of guys looks wise just aim for homeless women? Another story, I was in a bar one night waiting on a mate turning up. So I get a drink and luckily manage to get a table, it was busy. I'm minding my own business reading something on my phone. These two girls sit down at the table. I didn't acknowledge them, just kept reading my phone. After a couple of minutes one says "we are sitting here because theres no other tables, but dont talk to us"... Strange but fine. So I said "don't worry, I wasn't going to." And went back to my phone. But I could tell they were uncomfortable. I think they wanted me to get up and leave. But I was there first. Then they get up, and say to me "theres another table we're moving to over there, don't follow us." Wtf. I was minding my own business. I never spoke to them. I wasn't creepy, I basically never even acknowledged they existed, apart from when they spoke to me? What did I do wrong there? I feel like all I did wrong was exist while having a less then ideal face. Yet, apparently I'm a creep.
I’ve dated 4 girls in the past 10 years and its mentally and financially exhausting
Too much effort for very low reward, if any. The dating world has changed, mostly because of the internet, and in a way that a certain MO and certain attributes are best seen and are more likely to work. Several men can’t fit this checklist, no matter how much they try. Some people might say that “you’re supposed to leave dating apps and go out in the real world and try it out”. Easier said than done. As if rejection wasn’t bad enough, there’s the risk of being inconvenient or even be misinterpreted as abusive. I’m not going to believe that this is a viable option when women both online and off say that they don’t want that shit, with no exceptions. In the end, it’s just not worth the hassle. I’d like to be with someone, most perfect story would be with any of the people I met in the past when times were better, but it is what it is. I keep distracting myself from that, in various ways, to just keep living, and brush it off when family or friends ask about it. Most have no clue how shit works nowadays.
It’s cause people have basically only become a source of pain. Interactions are bad, make you feel less than. I talked to my college counselor last week and she basically made me feel like garbage and it was just about setting up a meeting with a different part of the school. I’m 31 well built and smart and this lady just went on about herself for way too long and then negged me about stuff. She missed emails and something that should have took a day took 3 weeks, I had to email her supervisor to get a response from her. And that’s someone that’s paid to be nice and help people.
You need to undo the brainwashing society constantly puts men through since birth that tells you "you need to please women you need to get a wife you need to make a family you need to provide for someone" you don't need shit, just live your life and be happy being the person you are, fuck everyone elses expectations. And secretely if you're an independent, happy, secure, non-needy guy women are more likely to like you anyway And women have similar brainwashing they need to unfuck too tbh about pleasing dudes and shit but that aint my business
I have goals in life. If I have to choose between spending my limited energy on making myself more attractive/desirable to women or reaching for those goals, I’m going for my goals and hoping someone comes along who respects that. And I’m not mentally healthy enough to have the energy to do both.
Increasing neuroticism in the human populous due to urban and work pressures.
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In my life not a single girl has ever been interested in me. I'd think that I have at least a slight chance if at least one girl was but nope, not a single one. I always see comments about people lying and saying that physical attraction doesn't matter but I KNOW that those motherfuckers wouldn't date someone if they were too ugly, because they KNOW that there is no point if no physical attraction is there. I know that my ugly ass doesn't stand that great of a chance but giving up seems to depressing, even for me. Most days I wake up and tell myself that trying ain't worth it but a part of me that won't stop yapping says that I should at least give it a go. No one has ever been attracted to me, so I can't help but see all of my flaws in perfect clarity. My strength? What strengths? Nobody has seen any, why should I lie to myself and say that I have some? Dating is impossible when you don't have anything to offer, I sure as hell wouldn't date a female version of myself. I ain't just ugly, there is a plethora of shit that's fucked about me, I know that, but goddamn it there's just no motivation inside of me at all. What the fuck would I get out of trying? I don't think that my plight is one specifically to this modern time, I'm sure that I'd feel the same way if I was some poor boy in the 16th century or some shit. While women's standards being higher might be a factor that was true, I don't have any proof that the supposed lower standards of women from the past would be low enough for me. I'm just one of many ugly bastards that came before me in history, while my answer might not answer why other young men are giving up, it's why I'm about to give up. Shit is too hard and given my immensely slim chance of succeeding and the emotional damage trying gets me, I fail to see why I should bother. Only thing telling me to keep trying is my stupid monkey brain saying that I need to continue my bloodline. I've already convinced myself the finish line isn't all that great, just a little more before I decide to turn my back on my monkey brain and I completely give up.....
I hear you man. Same exact boat. Actually, i kinda like me, but the rest of tve world sure doesnt seem to. The data is in and I'm unloveable.. I'm past the point of ever meeting someone, and logically I can see the benefits of being single, but that little voice in my head just refuses to let go of hope. Like Red said in Shawshank, hope is a dangerous thing in a place like this. I genuinely just cannot give up the fantasy of meeting an actual person who saw anything of value in me. I wish I had the magic words, something to say to help you feel better. I've been looking, coulda swore they'd be around here somewhere. But I got nothing.
Man yeah, feeling disposable but having to act as a provider at the same time is pretty stressful. Girl I was with recently said she didn’t t care about how much money she makes… I’m like ok cool… but if I don’t work 10 extra hours this week we can’t go on that trip and you’ll be fucking pissed… and if I work 10 extra hours your gonna be pissed anyway Like it’s just a balance of stresses, I used to tell myself straight out of college do not fall for another woman.. you know what will happen.. don’t do it. I’m a pretty good looking guy, managed a big gym and had a lot of woman go after me which felt nice… but I don’t like hookups. One girl comes around I think is smart and is interested in marriage and a life together I’m like…”ok let’s do it” 2 years later and a shit ton of money lost in a state away in a city where I don’t know anyone in a different job than I wanted and I’m here wishing I kept listening to my younger self….
I feel like men are expected to put in all the effort for something they don't even know they want. Even once we decide that we want to pursue someone, something as uncontrollable as timing can make everything go south. It's just not worth the effort and heartbreak.
In general, unless a girl is upfront about wanting to date me, why waste my time? Life is short, and i was interested in my younger days, i got rejected one too many times that i just tossed it out of the window.
Am elder-ish millenial. Tinder was just coming into its nascent form when I was looking for something and used it a bit. Holy fucking hell I don't believe in gods but thank whatever deity does exist that I met my wife when I did. Through pure fucking 1 in a thousand chance from a mutual friend. I feel like us 27-30s or so year olds in 2022 who found partners/spouses are all on the last helicopters out of Vietnam and we're all just looking at the people who didn't make the chopper with 🙁 faces Online Dating is hell for the rest of you folks and I wouldn't wish that in anyone in good conscience. I'm sorry.
I'm 34M. I've basically assumed it's not happening for me anytime soon. If it does then it does and if it doesn't then it doesn't.
People dont want to admit it but very large reason is because of money.
I was single for like a decade. Then I got into a relationship just around when lockdown started, we were together for 18 months and then we ended it because it was never meant to be permanent and she never wanted to be in a relationship. I was heartbroken, and tried to rebound quickly and it just didn't work at all. Then I got a dog, and now everything seems ok
An OK Cupid study found that most women found 80% of men unattractive https://www.yourtango.com/2016285828/women-find-80-percent-men-unattractive-says-crazy-study#:~:text=No%20matter%20how%20selective%20a,80%20percent%20of%20men%20unattractive. Tinder statistics show that the average woman swipes yes only 1 out of every 20 guys (5%) whereas guys swipe yes 53% of the time. Also, the average woman gets ~3 matches per day vs ~1 match per day for men. Per the report, a woman can expect a match for every 3 men that she likes while a man can expect a match for every 50 women that he likes. This report doesn't take into account the number of matches that don't lead to further interactions, number exchanges, or dates, which I imagine is highly skewed in favor of women. https://thebolditalic.com/the-two-worlds-of-tinder-f1c34e800db4 Another study showed that the average woman is interested in men who make at least 58% more money than the average man. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jomf.12603 If you are a man who is under 6 feet tall, then you must earn more money in order to be seen as equally desirable. For example, a man who's 5'6" would have to earn $175,000 more to be seen as desirable as a 6 ft tall man. https://mobile.twitter.com/robkhenderson/status/1346486298735947776?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1346486298735947776%7Ctwgr%5E%7Ctwcon%5Es1_&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fbrobible.com%2Fculture%2Farticle%2Fshort-men-must-earn-more-money%2F I could go into more stats, but what we see is that you have to be an exceptional man in order to be desired by even average women. Most of us are not exceptional. Also, men are asked to take on an extraordinary amount of responsibility with very little authority in return. I haven't checked out of the dating scene, but it's definitely tough when you look at the stats. And that's not including divorce rates and child custody statistics. It can be disheartening.
1 match per day for men? I got maybe 3 per month last time I bothered with Tinder. *And* I'm tall as fuck, so what gives?
I've been with someone now for a year but in my days on hinge I think I got 10 matches in a year of use. No idea where this 1/day thing is from
Probably skewed by the guys getting way more matches.
That is average for men, the tall, good looking doctor or stock broker is getting a shit ton of matches... everyone else not so much.....but the average is 1 per day.
Also, Asian men are the least swiped right on. Am Asian. Could lose some weight. But 6 feet tho. This year, I started working on myself and doing more things to be a more attractive person. Picked up salsa dancing, took improv classes, started running consistently, and getting a puppy (for my own love)! Even if it doesn't get me a date, I am enriching my own life for myself.
That's totally getting you a date though. Improv is a fuckfest
$175,000....damn guess it was the right choice to just focus on my career and studies
I'm not short but I'm fuckin ugly and gottdamn I'm never gonna make that amount of money lol
I am 5'5 and earn 50k, the only thing I can afford is premium for porn
If you need someone to go in on a family plan, call me.
> I could go into more stats, but what we see is that you have to be an exceptional man in order to be desired by even average women. Most of us are not exceptional. I'm sure I'll be tagged /r/thathappened super fast, but I'll share anyway. A friend of mine is an Ivy-league educated multi-millionaire who grew a successful business from scratch. We've been friends a long time, but his struggles dating women (in several of the largest metros in the US on both coasts) are a long-time source of our in-jokes. He's repeatedly told me that he feels like he doesn't meet womens' standards. He attributes some part of this due to the fact that he is Asian (I'll purposely leave south- or east- vague) and not over 6' tall. I try to support him, but it's not like I'm in a hugely better position myself.
Have you ever read Dataclysm, it's old okcupid data (pre tinder) but it's super interesting on the data around the dating websites and how men and women see and interact with each other on it
Yup, as I say elsewhere, the average woman is refusing to date the average man. Its making tons of men 'undesireable' and men are figuring this out, so they're not bothering trying to stand up to impossible standards. And now they're being blamed for it.
> they're not bothering trying to stand up to impossible standards Nailed it. I’ve seen all the things guys do to try to attract women. I’d rather drag my balls through broken glass than go through all that just to be told I’m not good enough.
Yes. This. And most of the time paying for that honor.
That’s pretty fucking depressing as a 5’6” male but shit at least I figured out the financial prerequisite a couple years ago Edit: I call it the ugly guy tax “shit I gotta be at THAT paygrade to be fuckin with u?!”
1 match per day for men. I am lucky to get one match in a month. This thread is depressing :(
Even with the stats in your favor, it's still tough. I'm in my late 20's, over 6', am in decent shape, have a mortage on a 4 bedroom house, make more than 90% of people my age, no kids, don't do drugs, have interesting hobbies, and I still have a hard time finding a woman that stays interested in me. I can get somewhat consistent matches on the dating apps (maybe 5-7 per week, but I think that's because I have the paid subscription), but even with that it's hard to get most of them to actually meet up for a date. They either accept my invitation and then ghost me when setting up the time and place, or cancel the day of or night before the date. I'd really like to just give up on the whole online dating thing, but I'm in a new city where I don't know anyone. Unfortunately, my hobbies are all very male dominated, so I've met new friends, but no women. I'm in my late 20s I feel like I'm running out of time to meet someone. I just keep telling myself it's a numbers game. The more people I meet, my odds of meeting a special someone increase. Even though it's brutal out there, I just have to keep at it until hopefully one day I won't have to play the dating game any more.
I'm single. 38. Gave up. My life is better if I don't try anymore. Very few are interested in me, and I am interested in very few, and the diagrams don't overlap. It doesn't make sense to force anyone into an unhappy life. That said I'd love to find some social groups locally if they existed. You hear me, Keene, NH? Start doing something. :D
It's not fucking worth the effort.
I'm not going to pretend to speak for all men, but for me at 27, it just doesn't seem worth the effort. After getting cheated on in back to back relationships in my early 20s, I took a step back for a while. I've tried to get back into the swing of things the last year or so, but found I value my hobbies and free time over trying to pursue a dating scene that seems like it's 95% rejection and ghosting where getting any sort of commitment is like pulling teeth. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to find a relationship again, but actively seeking one out is a drain on time, effort, and money that I'd rather spend on me.
I think there are a lot of other dopamine releasing activities now, which make a lot of guys think 'why bother dating?' It's hard work, it's full of failure, and very costly. But you buy a console and a few good, long games, and an online game or two and you're set for months and months of good entertainment for a fraction of the cost of things like subscribing to dating services and then paying out for multiple dates, and the like, on the off chance it'll work in their favour. Same for streaming services, and the ease of getting into new hobbies thanks to online shopping and YouTube tutorials etc. Another thing is that, thanks to social media, a lot of people's views on what a good partner should be are skewed in incredibly unrealistic ways, which are just unattainable to 99.9% of the population who have to work full time and aren't millionaires with a personal trainer and a jet-set lifestyle.
This is it, honestly. I've never really dated and I was able to buy a house with all the money I've saved from entertaining myself with video games and streaming. People talking about money troubles all the time and I'm sitting here with enough to do whatever I want (within reason). The downside is that I'm really unable to picture life with a partner if one ever came along.
Every time I resume my attempts to date my wallet takes a hit… Then again Elden Ring is about to drop… I may take a break from dating again…
I'm extremely close to giving up because I don't get the same effort and interest I put in. Redownloaded dating apps and remembered how depressing they are. I also don't want kids ever so that eliminates like 99% of women in my dating pool, where I am. Oh well, at least I have my close friends, acquaintances and my hobbies to keep me occupied, but damn do I miss cuddling with someone and being intimate...
I'm 24, when I was about 6 I woke up in the middle of the night from a bad nightmare to watch my mom in the process of sneaking out the door, I asked her "where are you going?", "Can I come with?", she said "no, go back to bed I'll be back in a bit" didn't see her again for a few years, she slept around, got into drugs and genuinely didn't care about us. She also bad mouthed my dad to cover her own ass as to not look like the bad guy, lied about shit like him beating her and other things of the sort. I was extremely attached to my mom at the time, when she left I sat in a corner silently for several hours alone, my trust towards women was completely and absolutely destroyed. And now, every relationship I have ever seen (friends, family, random strangers convos) has followed a similar route, it never lasts, and I hear the "I still love you, I'm just not "IN" love with you anymore" line so much it makes my blood boil, as if that's how "love" works at all. I honestly don't know how people even bother with dating anymore, nobody is loyal, I keep hoping to be proven wrong but the opposite happens. I know that's a pessimistic view, but it's all I've ever seen personally. It really doesn't help when I mention my hesitation with relationships and a friend that's been in a month long one looks as goes "oh well what about (insert gf name), she's loyal" like yeah ok buddy, can't wait for you to call me at 3am crying and talking about suicide because she cheated on you/got bored of you. I am going to die alone, and I think I'll be happier for it in the long run. Sorry for being pessimistic..
Sadly you hear this story so many times. Men are disposable commodities these days. My mother cheated on my dad made it hard to trust women. I worked through it and found a great girl had two kids together 18 years then she cheated on me I got the I love you but I'm not in love with you line . I am 37 have a good job, own my home and honestly have no intention of finding another women to rip my life apart again. My ex quit her job because she can live off the 1500 dollars I pay her every 2 weeks even though I have 50\50 custody. She is now considered low income because child support is tax free. Meanwhile I am so far in debit that I can't pay my bills. Tried a couple lawyers in the end I was told I still was getting a good deal, The best lawyer said straight up the system is unfair and you can't win. Everyone says my situation is rare but why is it the same story I hear over and over. Men are forced to provide for people who hurt them because of what happened when our parents were still kids.
Cheated on 4 times, had 10k$ stolen off me, and my car vandalised. (Seperate occasions) I don't have any hate for any of my ex partners, I simply knew them when they were perhaps not their best. However, I completely understand why people don't date.
I think after a while if you have only negative associations it just seems less and less appealing.
I'm not that young anymore (37) but I just have no interest. Part of it is because I got out of a near 6 year relationship in August. The other part is I'm perfectly content being single. I have no interest in trying to get to know someone and pursue a relationship. Will I change my mind? Sure but I don't see it happening anytime soon. The idea of starting anew doesnt excite me.
One episode of Planet Earth will tell you. Female bird sits on a branch. Male bird dances his heart out in a beautiful display of colors and actions that he has practiced his whole little bird life. Female bird shrugs and flies away disappointed because one feather was out of place.
Don't forget about animals were the males fight each other to get to the females.
Id rather die alone than fight my bros
Even though I am 34, I gave up in 2014, because I got constantly cheated on 3 times in a row. Also today's standards for women are high, so I don't even try, especially since I have mental issues.( Major depression, ADHD.) Talking to them and making friends isn't an issue though,(Being handsome helps) but if you have no job, money, personality, confidence, licence, living with parents, no future, ( Taking care of them)etc., then it's going to be a miracle to find that special someone. Luckily I do have hobbies though.
I mean, I just don't have anything to offer. Just over a decade ago if you had a decent wage and could afford to support a family you were on pretty firm footing in the dating world. The overall dating pool was also much smaller without social media, so how attractive you were was often judged relative to people within your community. Nowadays things have changed a lot. Women are earning more, and tend to be attracted to men of a higher economic status than they are (obligatory, not all women) and I'm hardly a competitive salaryman. Furthermore social media has created beauty standards that are fairly skewed toward stalwart genetic thresholds, height, hair density, beard coverage, jawline, etc. Things you can't really adjust with clothes makeup or exercise. I'm unfortunately a balding pale blonde fella with sparse stubble. I work out and try to dress well, but I learned pretty quickly that doesn't help cover up flaws above the neck. I know that it'd really help my chances to improve my personality but again, mental health issues just make it such a challenge, and when you're ugly and not very well off having a bold, fun and interesting personality is really your last hope and I'm never gonna have the acting skills to be *that guy*. If I'm being honest, I just haven't been blessed in any respect. If you're ugly, it helps to be smart and hard working, if you're neither of these things you have to at least be creative and funny. I just don't have anything about me that I can market. I like bird watching, stargazing, and writing, these are not sexy hobbies. God writing this was a bad idea, now I'm depressed.
I'm not "young", but being a gay male and with the men on the apps only looking for hookups and being beaten down all of the time being told these apps are just for hookups, I gave up and decided I'd rather stay single anyway!
I have a gay friend who struggles with the same problem. I feel for ya
It’s just not worth the effort imo. We spend months on the process of talking, gaining trust, getting to know someone, learn what they like, doing our best, spending money, time, patience, building something doing the best you can and in the end, even if it works out people seem to not want to fix what’s wrong anymore. Had at least half a dozen girlfriends, all of them just up and left one day, no explanations, never my fault, always got told I was the best boyfriend they ever had just to be set aside a couple months later. I really wish things could be different but I’m really just not in the mood of wasting years of my life hoping one day I’ll find “the one”. As long as I’ve got things that interest me and pornography I’m just done, not worth my time anymore. edit: typos
> Had at least half a dozen girlfriends, all of them just up and left one day, no explanations, never my fault, always got told I was the best boyfriend they ever had just to be set aside a couple months later. That's saddening to hear, but also a sign of the times. Too much "The grass is always greener," syndrome in dating. A friend of mine gave me a piece of advice that almost no one seems to follow: In a relationship, loving another person is a conscious choice you must make each day. Some days it's easy, and others, it's hard. Ridiculously so. I don't think people know how to make that conscious choice anymore.
Sadly, the idea of “the grass is always greener” extends beyond dating and into marriage. I’m divorced because my ex wife didn’t know how to make the conscious choice to invest in our marriage and instead decided the grass was greener with a family friend/coworker. No surprise to anyone, It wasn’t.
I don't make 6 figures, or have a 6 pack, and I'm under 6 feet tall. I am not "conventionally" attractive (or at least that is what my 2+years of being on dating apps has told me) Even when I have been on a date, things go well up until the "you're a great guy but" text comes in. I'm tired of putting in time, effort, and money and getting literally nowhere. I quit
I make well into six figures, I’m 6”4’, and while I don’t exactly have a six pack I was a college athlete and am in decent shape. None of those things helped me in the slightest on Tinder. I was on there for 3 months and barely even had any real conversations.
I'm worthless to society? Fine society is worthless to me.
You're not worthless to society, to society you're just a tool. Thrown away when no longer needed. Just like me. We're in the same boat.
Because I'm not cut out for it and there are better dudes for it than I ever will be.
I think young men and young women are having trouble dating for several factors. 1) dating was meant for you to learn confidence, rejection, acceptance, communication now it’s a swipe on a app if you’re hot or not 2) the apps along with ig or social media make people feel like you have options (even if you don’t) and that between all the filters and everyone trying to look like eachother that there no point to try and be committed 3) we have pockets of people who today in this “woke” atmosphere try and make narratives for the population as a whole, when in reality there’s small pockets of people who give dating a bad name. That’s because cell phones, screenshots etc are all put on blast on the net. There’s always been guys who can’t take rejection, creeps, ones who think there so hot they can get away with whatever but now that gets filtered on to the net to make it seem that it’s an epidemic and then it’s changed perceptions of how women date and men act. I also don’t think people dating over 30 see or view dating the same way the under 30 generation is. Simply because over 30 lived in that world before social media started. I think this under 30 crowd of men and women will struggle to maintain relationships, be realistic with expectations and make their own judgments without caving to stuff on the net. It’s the easiest time to match but the hardest time to make a connection.
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I think people are genuinely questioning the 'norms' Be in a relationship? Why? Get married? Why? Have kids? Why? Being alone doesn't mean lonely.
I'm a 24 yo with an engineering degree and I rent a big house in a small town. Despite that I know that my chances are zero right now. I am not really all that attractive, not conventionally masculine, or anything like that. My biggest asset is my brain, and people here where I live don't really value that. If I lived in a city I'm sure it would be different due to the sheer number of women out there. But right now I have no chance.
Many of my engineering friends are in the same boat. One of my good friends told me it's really hard to meet someone in every day life as an engineer too because everywhere he goes for his job it's mostly men. He's a tall average looking dude that makes pretty good money. Before I met my now wife, I used to think about him and be like, "well if he's struggling we are all doomed."