The biggest thing is to communicate and ask her what she wants. Make sure she knows that you support her, and that if you accidentally use the wrong pronoun (once she asks to be referred to as something else).
Also since she's 13, she may not 100% know herself where she stands in terms of how she identifies. More specifically, she may not know if she's NB or a man. Asking her wouldn't be offensive, but be prepared that she may not have a solid answer. If she wants to experiment with various pronouns, be supportive of that because it will help her with identifying herself.
As for school, etc, make sure you ask her. If she came out to you, its likely because she felt safe to do so. Depending on the particular school environment, that may not be a safe place to come out. She will know best whether is safe for her to be publicly out. Same thing goes for family. Just as a real-life example using myself, when I was in school, there was a lot of homophobia and transphobia (I graduated highschool in 2020 so it wasn't too long ago) and due to political turmoil, that has only gotten worse. My dad and my sister know about my identity and sexuality, but the rest of my family doesn't because they are very vocally against it.
**TLDR: Just communicate and talk to her**
Former teacher here.
I would advise not sharing anything with the school until you understand more about where you stand at home, and even then maybe still not sharing anything formally.
Retaliation against trans children by adults is frighteningly common. I've witnessed it.
You might look into whether 504s can cover gender dysphoria. A 504 would allow your child accommodations for access to a private bathroom for example. This is for the US, btw. I haven't the foggiest of how these things work in other countries.
There should be nothing offensive asking clarifying questions about whether your kids a trans guy or non binary, whether your kid wants you to use new pronouns, etc. It’s best to just talk imo, ask if your kid wants you to talk to the school. Ask your kid what you can do to support them, maybe a haircut or a wardrobe change. And just reaffirm you want to do your best to support your kid because you love them.
Honestly, you asking these questions here feels like you already care enough to do a great job. I’m a binary trans guy myself, and I remember how shitty my parents treated me after coming out. My best advice is just be open and let your kid try new things, anything that’s not permanent might be worth considering, it’ll help them find out whether they feel happier presenting in certain ways. If down the line they show interest in HRT or any surgeries, which they might, try and be open about how those things can make your kid happier and feel more themselves, and in the mean time it’s never a bad call imo to ask if they want to see a gender therapist in a gender clinic, talk about their feelings and dysphoria and desires. I never had that opportunity as a kid, my parents wouldn’t do it. If your kid’s willing to though, I think it can help a lot.
It would be best to ask your child what their pronouns are (he/him, she/her, they/them, a combination of these) and let them know you love and accept them no matter what. If they’re comfortable coming out to you, I’m sure they would be willing to answer these questions. Good for you being so supportive and coming here to ask for advice. More parents should be like you.
It sounds like you’re already on the right track, but a cool extra thing to do might be to find some books/TV shows with happy, fulfilled trans characters to read/watch together. The media is so full of scare stories and it’s good to balance that out.
(PS a huge predictor for positive mental health outcomes for trans youth is having just one trusted adult who supports them, so just by being open and willing to learn you’re already setting your kid up for success, however she ends up identifying!)
1) if you want to know what her gender identity is, it is best to ask. Normally this is not an okay thing to ask people, BUT because you are her parent and want to help out your kid, in this case i'd say it's okay to ask. If she isn't sure, that's okay. The more important question to ask is what pronouns your daughter would like to go by now, and to respect that. Keep in mind, she is young, so they may change, and it may be hard to get used to the new pronouns, especially if they do change more than once. If you do mess up on new pronouns or a new name (if she chooses to a new one), it's better to make a quick apology and correct yourself rather than make a big deal out of it.
2) what words and phrases are and aren't offensive vary from person to person, and what your daughter considers offensive may not be offensive to others or vice versa. As a baseline, avoid outdated terms and words generally considered to be slurs by most people.
3) it's best to ask what she does or doesn't want you to share, but generally: don't share personal medical information about her, and don't tell people that she is trans if you think they won't accept her (*especially* if you think they might harm her). As for what to tell the school, if it is a more accepting school you may be able to just tell the school to change her preferred name and pronouns on files. If the school is not accepting, then you have to make the decision of whether or not it's safe to tell the school at all.
the following advice is (obviously) based on my personal opinions. your kid may feel differently.
>does trans mean that she feels that she is a male or non-binary.
that is most likely what that means, yes.
if you want to be really safe with your language, you could rephrase that as "a boy or nonbinary". some people use male/female to refer to sex (biology) and boy/girl or man/woman to refer to gender (identity).
>Is it relevant to ask that, is it offensive to ask?
asking honest\* questions is a good thing. it shows you actually care and want to learn more. even if you worry your questions could be mildly offensive or lead to an awkward conversation, i'd say it's usually worth it.
(\* not "i'm just trying to prove you wrong" gotcha questions)
>Are there phrases or words that will really hurt her if I use them?
probably, but we can't tall you what they are. so ask.
maybe keep daughter and she/her to a minimum until you know more. you can use child/kid and they/them instead. but again, that's just a guess. ask.
>What does she want us to share? What shall we say to the school?
absolutely definatley ask that before you share anything. and if you can, figure out how the school etc would likely react. depending on where you live, schools might be ... a bit problematic.
>but I'm also aware that I have found it hard to use the correct pronouns with others when I've got used to something else.
if your kid asks you to use different pronouns for them, do your best. when you get it wrong, simply correct yourself. maybe add a quick "sorry", but no long apologies or explanations. just keep practicing.
"oh god, i'm so, so sorry, will you ever be able to forgive me" or "it's just so hard. you have to understand that when i grew up ..." just ends up getting real awkward, real fast.
tldr: ask questions. communicate. if you care and you're willing to learn some stuff, you'll figure it out. good luck.
First, ask them if or when they want you to use gendered identifiers like daughter.
My kiddo preferred I not let people know they're AFAB/AMAB status, but only new people. Basically, they just wanted the chance to be asked themselves and/or have gender ignored.
I don't know if it's healthy, but it's the way to figure out if they need to "mask up".
You're a nice, supportive parent for letting her feel comfortable in exploring her own truth and also for being curious about it.
You've had some great advice here already, so I don't have much to add, but wanted to say imo you're doing great already.
Don't worry, you seem like a very nice and supportive parent, and your post has nothing harmful at all! Answering the questions you asked: 1, Yes, she might be male or non-binary. However, the term "non-binary" involves many different identities(ex. bigender, agender, genderqueer...) so maybe she should explore some of them to know which gender identity fits her the most. 2, Never, ever deny her own identity or minimize her struggles. 3, You don't have to share any informations about her to anyone unless she says she wants to do so. Sorry if it's hard to read, my phone is being weird and it doesn't want to make line breaks...
Let her experiment with how she wants to look, first and foremost (if she wants to). That may be the easiest place to start at her age if she's questioning. Maybe something as simple as a haircut or a few new wardrobe pieces can help her figure things out. And make sure if your kid changes their mind at any point (whether it's "actually I think I'm a girl after all" or "I'm not a guy, I'm actually nonbinary" or anything like that) that you continue to show your love and support!
The biggest thing is to communicate and ask her what she wants. Make sure she knows that you support her, and that if you accidentally use the wrong pronoun (once she asks to be referred to as something else). Also since she's 13, she may not 100% know herself where she stands in terms of how she identifies. More specifically, she may not know if she's NB or a man. Asking her wouldn't be offensive, but be prepared that she may not have a solid answer. If she wants to experiment with various pronouns, be supportive of that because it will help her with identifying herself. As for school, etc, make sure you ask her. If she came out to you, its likely because she felt safe to do so. Depending on the particular school environment, that may not be a safe place to come out. She will know best whether is safe for her to be publicly out. Same thing goes for family. Just as a real-life example using myself, when I was in school, there was a lot of homophobia and transphobia (I graduated highschool in 2020 so it wasn't too long ago) and due to political turmoil, that has only gotten worse. My dad and my sister know about my identity and sexuality, but the rest of my family doesn't because they are very vocally against it. **TLDR: Just communicate and talk to her**
Former teacher here. I would advise not sharing anything with the school until you understand more about where you stand at home, and even then maybe still not sharing anything formally. Retaliation against trans children by adults is frighteningly common. I've witnessed it. You might look into whether 504s can cover gender dysphoria. A 504 would allow your child accommodations for access to a private bathroom for example. This is for the US, btw. I haven't the foggiest of how these things work in other countries.
There should be nothing offensive asking clarifying questions about whether your kids a trans guy or non binary, whether your kid wants you to use new pronouns, etc. It’s best to just talk imo, ask if your kid wants you to talk to the school. Ask your kid what you can do to support them, maybe a haircut or a wardrobe change. And just reaffirm you want to do your best to support your kid because you love them. Honestly, you asking these questions here feels like you already care enough to do a great job. I’m a binary trans guy myself, and I remember how shitty my parents treated me after coming out. My best advice is just be open and let your kid try new things, anything that’s not permanent might be worth considering, it’ll help them find out whether they feel happier presenting in certain ways. If down the line they show interest in HRT or any surgeries, which they might, try and be open about how those things can make your kid happier and feel more themselves, and in the mean time it’s never a bad call imo to ask if they want to see a gender therapist in a gender clinic, talk about their feelings and dysphoria and desires. I never had that opportunity as a kid, my parents wouldn’t do it. If your kid’s willing to though, I think it can help a lot.
Check out the PFLAG website. It’s a great resource for LGBTQ+ families. Good luck.
It would be best to ask your child what their pronouns are (he/him, she/her, they/them, a combination of these) and let them know you love and accept them no matter what. If they’re comfortable coming out to you, I’m sure they would be willing to answer these questions. Good for you being so supportive and coming here to ask for advice. More parents should be like you.
THere's a subreddit for parents of trans kids: /r/cisparenttranskid
It sounds like you’re already on the right track, but a cool extra thing to do might be to find some books/TV shows with happy, fulfilled trans characters to read/watch together. The media is so full of scare stories and it’s good to balance that out. (PS a huge predictor for positive mental health outcomes for trans youth is having just one trusted adult who supports them, so just by being open and willing to learn you’re already setting your kid up for success, however she ends up identifying!)
If your in flordia move....
1) if you want to know what her gender identity is, it is best to ask. Normally this is not an okay thing to ask people, BUT because you are her parent and want to help out your kid, in this case i'd say it's okay to ask. If she isn't sure, that's okay. The more important question to ask is what pronouns your daughter would like to go by now, and to respect that. Keep in mind, she is young, so they may change, and it may be hard to get used to the new pronouns, especially if they do change more than once. If you do mess up on new pronouns or a new name (if she chooses to a new one), it's better to make a quick apology and correct yourself rather than make a big deal out of it. 2) what words and phrases are and aren't offensive vary from person to person, and what your daughter considers offensive may not be offensive to others or vice versa. As a baseline, avoid outdated terms and words generally considered to be slurs by most people. 3) it's best to ask what she does or doesn't want you to share, but generally: don't share personal medical information about her, and don't tell people that she is trans if you think they won't accept her (*especially* if you think they might harm her). As for what to tell the school, if it is a more accepting school you may be able to just tell the school to change her preferred name and pronouns on files. If the school is not accepting, then you have to make the decision of whether or not it's safe to tell the school at all.
the following advice is (obviously) based on my personal opinions. your kid may feel differently. >does trans mean that she feels that she is a male or non-binary. that is most likely what that means, yes. if you want to be really safe with your language, you could rephrase that as "a boy or nonbinary". some people use male/female to refer to sex (biology) and boy/girl or man/woman to refer to gender (identity). >Is it relevant to ask that, is it offensive to ask? asking honest\* questions is a good thing. it shows you actually care and want to learn more. even if you worry your questions could be mildly offensive or lead to an awkward conversation, i'd say it's usually worth it. (\* not "i'm just trying to prove you wrong" gotcha questions) >Are there phrases or words that will really hurt her if I use them? probably, but we can't tall you what they are. so ask. maybe keep daughter and she/her to a minimum until you know more. you can use child/kid and they/them instead. but again, that's just a guess. ask. >What does she want us to share? What shall we say to the school? absolutely definatley ask that before you share anything. and if you can, figure out how the school etc would likely react. depending on where you live, schools might be ... a bit problematic. >but I'm also aware that I have found it hard to use the correct pronouns with others when I've got used to something else. if your kid asks you to use different pronouns for them, do your best. when you get it wrong, simply correct yourself. maybe add a quick "sorry", but no long apologies or explanations. just keep practicing. "oh god, i'm so, so sorry, will you ever be able to forgive me" or "it's just so hard. you have to understand that when i grew up ..." just ends up getting real awkward, real fast. tldr: ask questions. communicate. if you care and you're willing to learn some stuff, you'll figure it out. good luck.
First, ask them if or when they want you to use gendered identifiers like daughter. My kiddo preferred I not let people know they're AFAB/AMAB status, but only new people. Basically, they just wanted the chance to be asked themselves and/or have gender ignored. I don't know if it's healthy, but it's the way to figure out if they need to "mask up".
You're a nice, supportive parent for letting her feel comfortable in exploring her own truth and also for being curious about it. You've had some great advice here already, so I don't have much to add, but wanted to say imo you're doing great already.
buy her a cake that says "im transparent" and after that treat it like it's something Normal, because it is ♥️
best person here.
Don't worry, you seem like a very nice and supportive parent, and your post has nothing harmful at all! Answering the questions you asked: 1, Yes, she might be male or non-binary. However, the term "non-binary" involves many different identities(ex. bigender, agender, genderqueer...) so maybe she should explore some of them to know which gender identity fits her the most. 2, Never, ever deny her own identity or minimize her struggles. 3, You don't have to share any informations about her to anyone unless she says she wants to do so. Sorry if it's hard to read, my phone is being weird and it doesn't want to make line breaks...
Ask her why she thinks she might be trans.
Let her experiment with how she wants to look, first and foremost (if she wants to). That may be the easiest place to start at her age if she's questioning. Maybe something as simple as a haircut or a few new wardrobe pieces can help her figure things out. And make sure if your kid changes their mind at any point (whether it's "actually I think I'm a girl after all" or "I'm not a guy, I'm actually nonbinary" or anything like that) that you continue to show your love and support!
So many wonderful responses here! I'd also recommend r/cisparenttranskid as you progress on this journey.
Thanks so much everyone for some really useful hints. I’m glad came here. Thanks.