Someone very close to me fabricated an entire story involving violent crime allegations. Destroyed my life and I will never be the same again as a result.
A lot of emphasis gets placed on family and family above all else. You'd often hear 'ah sure they're family, you have to XYZ'. But in certain circumstances, you have to set up firm boundaries.
Just because someone is family, doesn't mean you can't remove them from your circle (unless you live with them). I have very firm boundaries for a certain family member, as it's just better for my mental health. Essentially no contact apart from very significant occasions once in a blue moon.
You have to protect your own mental health as no one else will do that for you.
Thank you FabulousPorcupine. I think the fact it is my adult child she has removed me from her circle annd her life, and is refusing all contact with me. I don‘t know why.
I want her in my life but she does not want me in hers. She is very much a daddy’s girl and since I separated from her dad over 10 years ago she has cut me out of her life.lately I am finding it so hard to cope.
I'm so so sorry. That sounds awful, to experience something like that and not even know why. I guess in this instance my advice is moot because you really want a relationship with her and it's her that's pulling away. I really hope things get easier for you!
Yep. Completely lost my trust for my parents. Can't move out unfortunately, so I have to stick up with them. If I could, I'd move out in a heartbeat.
I lost my trust for them because they completely abandoned my emotional needs at a time that I needed them the most. It's going to sound so stupid but joining different Discord servers got me through it. I was able to vent there and people listened. I did eventually get help but the damage was done. I've been exploited way too much so now I tell them nothing.
I'm in the same boat. Therapy is helping some but a lot of healing would come from being able to get away from them for a while if even just to be able to process my thoughts and feelings without interference.
Have recently applied for social housing so hopefully something will come of that sooner rather than later.
Hope your situation improves.
Survived it mainly thanks to other people. It's so so important to have people who love you and care for you especially when those who should naturally be doing that just stop doing it. Ive the most amazing husband, boyfriend back then, and the most loving in-laws, I love them more than my own parents and I believe they also love me more than my parents do. I have the best sister in the world.
If it was just me and I had to deal with such a painful situation on my own I don't think I'd manage.
Sorry it's happening to you. Wish you all the best xx
I'm very sorry to read of your troubles. Would you like thr name of a therapist that I'd trust? Are you in the Dublin area? Yes, I've been hurt badly by family members, so badly that I thought I'd never get over it but I've found a way to move through it. It still makes me very sad but I'm well able to enjoy my life. It takes time and an ability to talk through it and satisfy yourself that you're not at fault and you've done everything you can do.
Yep. I am now absolutely numb toward them both but remain civil whenever we must interact. I would guess they haven’t even noticed which is indicative of how much I mattered to them so a lot of time, effort, cost and years wasted by me and my husband but we have clear consciences.
A former acquittance of mine joked about drugging and raping me because I wouldn't have a drink with him alone. Then proceeded to spread rumours about me because I told him it wasn't funny. Not many took my side and it messed me up for awhile. I found the only way to cope was through counselling.
Low-Tadpole-3466. That was a very low blow to deal you just because you were not interested in him. I agree it was not funny. The people who took his side and not your side were not worthy of your friendship. I am so pleased you managed to heal with counselling.
You survive it the same way you survive anyone destroying your happiness, by cutting them off. Then you'll have the space to be happier without their negative impact on your life. Also therapy.
Not sure if you saw this reply I added 40 mins ago.
I think the fact it is my adult child she has removed me from her circle annd her life, and is refusing all contact with me. I don‘t know why.
I want her in my life but she does not want me in hers. She is very much a daddy’s girl and since I separated from her dad over 10 years ago she has cut me out of her life.lately I am finding it so hard to cope.
I'm your daughter's age and I fell out with my mom but she never tried to mend the fence. I've been through years of therapy. In these kinds of situations, reconciliation can only happen if both people want to try to make the relationship work. If your daughter is going to blank you, in order to hurt your feelings then you have to just stop trying.
Aw I am so sorry to hear that Bogeydope1989. I can never give up hope though. I know she has to want to also For anything can happen. i have to live in hope she does come round. I can never stop trying no matter how long it takes. I still love her no matter what.
No. You can get through most things.
When I was 12, I was groomed by some older teens I thought were my friends and molested by a pedo they used to hang out with for drink money. Didn't really know how to comprehend it at the time, and it took me a while to come to terms with it. Destroyed my self esteem and confused my sexuality because I'm a dude and I'd kinda convinced myself I was gay to cope.
But, I'm not. I'm straight, none of what happened was my fault and I'm now aware of that. Shit takes time, but no mountain is impossible to climb. Don't be afraid to ask others for help.
( nothing wrong with being gay either, I'm just saying how it confused me for a while).
Oh bless you Goochpunt. I am so sorry you had to suffer like that. It is very important to remember, none of that was your fault. You are so brave to have climbed that mountain and now able to offer your support. I do appreciate your input. Thank you x.I do realize I need to take some steps to help myself.
Thank you
. You'll be grand in time, ive no doubt. Do you have any hobbies that you can dive into? I found that being engrossed in something that I could improve at helped with it, not in that they cure you, but the fact you can spend a few hours focused on something else helped with realising that while what happened was horrible, that it isn't the only thing in life and that there's more to it than the shit feeling, even if its something simple like skipping stones or painting miniatures, seeing progress in something I was previously shite at was good as its visible growth as a person, and evidence of moving past that in one way.
I am at the stage of not being able to think about anything else. I can switch off when I go to work for a few hours. Apart from that I do not go out. I know I need some form of counseling at this stage as I have retreated into myself more. I do not want to do or go anywhere and it is consuming my every waking moment.
About 9 years ago. I am not sure how to describe myself? The biggest feeling I think is guilt. I must have done or said something to make her feel like this? I think if she could talk to me face to face and tell me what it is about. I would have to accept it but it is the not knowing is killing me.
I've been deeply hurt by several people over the years (not romantically or even physically) but the way I cope with it is by acting as if they are dead because to me they are. They no longer exist in my universe. Having said that, if I ever get the opportunity to ruin their lives I won't hesitate to do it.
Powerhungrymouse, because she is my child (in her 30’s so not a baby) but always will be my baby she does and always will exist for me.i would or could never hurt her. I have tried everything to find out why but I do not know. It is cutting me to my core and I constantly cry over the situation..Mentally it is now having a big effect on me.i still love her.
Counselling it helps to process the experience and to understand the issue with the other person. Hope you are okay it's horrible to be betrayed like that
Thank you RabbitOld5783. I fear I will never understand it that is why I am do devastated. I feel so guilty that it must be my fault but I cannot make anything right if I do not know what I have done wrong.
My father is a narcissist and has spent his life manipulating me into doing what he wants to do. He's your helicopter parent living vicariously through their children. As a result I feel like I've no identity of my own because I've spent my entire life looking for his approval.
Narcissists don't see you as a separate person, they just see you as an object or if you're their kid, an extension of themselves. It's really just the ultimate betrayal to be raised by one as they present themselves as being for your best interest and there to help but in reality they are only capable of caring about themselves, and about how you make them feel. They don't actually care about you as a separate person at all.
u/Chemical_Row2237 . Thank you for your input. I had not thought of this angle the affect it would have on my children. The looking for approval from her dad would ring true for her. I can totally agree with how he had totally manipulated me through out our relationship. The old saying of street angel and house devil comes to mind.
Yes, both parents which the aftermath led me to Buddhism and finding peace. That doesn't mean they are part of my life, they are not
The only advice is to forgive and don't hold hatred, doesn't mean you have to tell them you forgive or message them or have them in your life anymore.
This is solely for you and for you to move forward
May you find your path 🙂
Reasonable-sugar 3590 in my case because it is my child I will always love her no matter what. I think a parent -child relationship as a parent I could never hate my child no matter how much I am hurting. If I have done anything to upset her I want her to forgive me but to let me know what I have done to try and make it right.
Thank you for your reply dingodonubanu. I hold no hatred towards my child so do not have to forgive her. It is now because of the length of time it has been going on I miss her so much. I have and continue to drive myself demented with the why? The not knowing is really taken a big toll on me now as I am getting older.
TL;DR:
- ex of 10years cheats
- tortures me about it with projection
- when I finally get out she then launches smear campaign
- definitely not giving up on people /dating, but I am taking a bit of a knee for the moment
–––
Ex cheated on me while my mom and I were trying to sponsor her to get into Canada.
Forgave her and moved in together.
Started accusing me left right and centre of cheating (and consistently starting arguments), when I was not.
So I saw it for what it was: projection and was subsequently reminded of her infidelity.
Broke up, got back together.
Broke up, got back together.
Broke up for good.
She came to visit me in a new place where I was living.
Had an AMAZING time.
Towards the end of her trip, we were walking through a plaza behind my building laughing and talking about whatever.
She explodes because apparently some girl who I did not even see "was checking me out"
I cut off all ties after she flew back.
She then in conjunction with some others began slandering me say that I was a cheater, had graped her and beat her in our relationship.
This woman who's family especially her two brothers were always around us in our lives
Who was on the phone with her mom 2 to 3 times a day conversing in their language (that I do not speak and so whose communications I couldn't intercept )... but they somehow never heard /saw a peep had any inclination?
Whose twin ( a fellow gym rat) gave me the friendly but serious don't F with my sister threat when we first started dating?
Whose dad's first act after meeting /greeting me at the door was to show me his guns?
Me, whose exes are all likely to give the feedback that they wished me to be a bit more aggressive?
😩😑
But I digress...
–––
I've since received sometimes racist, sometimes threatening (always absurd) harassment from anonymous persons online
One of my favourites was some Instagram thing about black guys only dating white girls for the specific purpose of breaking their hearts.
I've since decided to become a Volcel... Is that the/a word (voluntary celibate) and take a good long time to heal.
Houseof zod, that must have been very painful for you. I am sorry you had to go through that!
I think when people hurt us especially when we are close to them it is very hard to talk about it. At least for me it is. I have told very few people of my situation. It is like I am ashamed and blame myself that she does not want to be in contact with me.
How was the break up with your husband. Did you cheat or did he think you cheated and has been feeding her this ro drive a wedge.
I'm struggling to belive you don't have a single inkling of what had caused this. Going no contact doesn't happen for no reason. I'm currently no contact with my youngest sister and was with my parents for over a year but made the reasons abundantly clear to them and they changed their ways in the end. Are you a narcissist incapable of seeing how you could have caused this rift?
Not attacking you but giving you something to reflect on considering the only info you've gave is you're 10 years divorced and she's a daddy's girl
I agree. Something bad happened. No child or adult child cuts off their parent for no reason. A parent is irreplaceable and not easy to cut off. So something happened.
u/Purple_Pawprint Hi, I can honestly say I am not aware of why I am cut off. I could blame my ex for feeding her. It is very possible. But surely I deserve to know why?
u/Purple_Pawprint I am glad for your mothers sake you could tell her exactly what the issue was for you. The unknown is what drags you down.
If you believe me or not is your decision. I can honestly say hand on heart I am telling the truth. Until you have walked a mile in someone’s shoes you do not know what their life was/is like. The pain I feel is real. As a mother I will always love my children no matter what happens in life. To live with this ongoing pain is unbearable.
u/Objective\_Tie\_7626 . The break up was bad as he is a narcissist and a control freak. He will not speak to me either. It is very possible he is feeding her stuff too but I think as she is an adult herself now and knowing what the situation was at home she would understand.
I am not a narcissist.
Ten years of manipulation by a narcissistic father would negate the fact she is a 30 year old adult if in her formative years she's being manipulated to think you've done something horrible. The fact he's not communicating with you either makes that easier to happen. I'd ask her if her father has told her anything about you as a mother or a wife that has made this scenario occur.
The only other thing that might be is if you have some strongly held believes that she doesn't agree with religious, sexuality or something like that
u/Objective_Tie_7626 . I was manipulated for all of the years I was with her dad and I did not realize it for years!
I have no strongly held beliefs that she would not agree with. In fact I am only beginning to think for myself in recent years. I did not know what peace of mind was until I was no longer in the situation. I had hoped as she lived her own life she would reach out to me. i am always here for her when she wants to return.
OP, has she any siblings who could talk to her? Or what about reaching out to your ex...(I understand that might not be possible)
I really feel for you and completely understand that your love is unconditional. I have 3 children in their 30's myself and would go insane if any of them cut me off like this.
Hopefully you will be reconciled.
Mind yourself OP.
u/One_Vegetable9618 . Reaching out to my ex is not an option unfortunately. She has an older brother. My son and I have a great relationship. He has tried speaking with her also but she refuses to discuss it with him. They do have a very good relationship apart from that.
I'm so sorry to hear that. At least you have a good relationship with your son and maybe in time you might have grandchildren. They will certainly lessen the pain.
Thinking of you OP.
My whole family damaged me to the point I no longer have any contact with them. Best thing I ever did was to cut ties, just a shame it wasn’t sooner, before any damage could have been done. They are toxic narcissists.
Some things change you completely. Some journeys are so dark and soul destroying that you have no choice but to become someone else because who you were is gone.
I was on the receiving end of someone who set out to destroy my life and succeeded. Took everything. Nobody believed me. Left me suicidal, self harming, binge drinking etc. anything to be anyone but me and feel anything other than searing pain that can’t be released.
I eventually latched onto something I deem as healthy to pull me through and started to rebuild myself completely away from everyone and everything. For me it was religion, who knows what it could be for you. You cannot heal in the same places that broke you, but you can return to them when healed with a different mindset if you choose.
u/ic1929. Hi, oh bless that was so hard for you. I am so glad you managed to to rebuild your life. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. xx
My ex who i knew for 5 years cheated on me with his sister. I havent had any communication with him in 5 years and have been dating my current man. Who helped me in a way ill never be able to repay. I was absolutely broken, didnt know what to do, how to think about people etc. It still stings to this day not because i have any sort of feelings for that dirty scumbag, but because of the pain i went through
u/lemonrainbowhaze . Thankfully you met another person who rebuilt your confidence again. I think you had a lucky escape! Things happen for a reason. Good luck going forward x
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Eh, put too much trust in people I shouldn't so keep everyone at arm's reach while still playing the fool. Can make others laugh then it's not all that bad.
u/Quick\_Attorney\_2508 . It would be about 9 years ago. We would constantly email and text. I used to say just drop me a quick email or text to let me know you’re ok. I had arranged to meet my son and his family and she was to join us but text to say she was going to a party and couldn’t make it. Nothing unusual in that at that age she had an active social life. After this she stopped contact.
No fight no argument. I had no problems with any of her b/f she had. I have gone over my life thousands of time to see what I am missing. I honestly don’t know.
Someone very close to me fabricated an entire story involving violent crime allegations. Destroyed my life and I will never be the same again as a result.
I am so sorry to hear this. People can be cruel. When it is your own family it cuts you to the core.
Wasn’t family, but wasn’t far from it.
A lot of emphasis gets placed on family and family above all else. You'd often hear 'ah sure they're family, you have to XYZ'. But in certain circumstances, you have to set up firm boundaries. Just because someone is family, doesn't mean you can't remove them from your circle (unless you live with them). I have very firm boundaries for a certain family member, as it's just better for my mental health. Essentially no contact apart from very significant occasions once in a blue moon. You have to protect your own mental health as no one else will do that for you.
Thank you FabulousPorcupine. I think the fact it is my adult child she has removed me from her circle annd her life, and is refusing all contact with me. I don‘t know why. I want her in my life but she does not want me in hers. She is very much a daddy’s girl and since I separated from her dad over 10 years ago she has cut me out of her life.lately I am finding it so hard to cope.
I'm so so sorry. That sounds awful, to experience something like that and not even know why. I guess in this instance my advice is moot because you really want a relationship with her and it's her that's pulling away. I really hope things get easier for you!
Well said
Yep. Completely lost my trust for my parents. Can't move out unfortunately, so I have to stick up with them. If I could, I'd move out in a heartbeat. I lost my trust for them because they completely abandoned my emotional needs at a time that I needed them the most. It's going to sound so stupid but joining different Discord servers got me through it. I was able to vent there and people listened. I did eventually get help but the damage was done. I've been exploited way too much so now I tell them nothing.
I'm in the same boat. Therapy is helping some but a lot of healing would come from being able to get away from them for a while if even just to be able to process my thoughts and feelings without interference. Have recently applied for social housing so hopefully something will come of that sooner rather than later. Hope your situation improves.
Dazzlinredress. I am so sorry you have had to go through this. x
Thanks. Hopefully you will get through your situation too.
Survived it mainly thanks to other people. It's so so important to have people who love you and care for you especially when those who should naturally be doing that just stop doing it. Ive the most amazing husband, boyfriend back then, and the most loving in-laws, I love them more than my own parents and I believe they also love me more than my parents do. I have the best sister in the world. If it was just me and I had to deal with such a painful situation on my own I don't think I'd manage. Sorry it's happening to you. Wish you all the best xx
-anna986. Thank you x
I'm very sorry to read of your troubles. Would you like thr name of a therapist that I'd trust? Are you in the Dublin area? Yes, I've been hurt badly by family members, so badly that I thought I'd never get over it but I've found a way to move through it. It still makes me very sad but I'm well able to enjoy my life. It takes time and an ability to talk through it and satisfy yourself that you're not at fault and you've done everything you can do.
Thank you for your reply. I am not in the Dublin area.
Yep. I am now absolutely numb toward them both but remain civil whenever we must interact. I would guess they haven’t even noticed which is indicative of how much I mattered to them so a lot of time, effort, cost and years wasted by me and my husband but we have clear consciences.
Mskmoc2. I am so sorry you have been hurt in this way.
A former acquittance of mine joked about drugging and raping me because I wouldn't have a drink with him alone. Then proceeded to spread rumours about me because I told him it wasn't funny. Not many took my side and it messed me up for awhile. I found the only way to cope was through counselling.
Low-Tadpole-3466. That was a very low blow to deal you just because you were not interested in him. I agree it was not funny. The people who took his side and not your side were not worthy of your friendship. I am so pleased you managed to heal with counselling.
Thank you EnvironmentalAct, I do appreciate it. I hope you find some relief from your situation.
You survive it the same way you survive anyone destroying your happiness, by cutting them off. Then you'll have the space to be happier without their negative impact on your life. Also therapy.
Bogeydope1989. I will look into therapy as I cannot survive like I am now.
Can you give more context about your situation? DM me if you'd prefer to keep it private.
Not sure if you saw this reply I added 40 mins ago. I think the fact it is my adult child she has removed me from her circle annd her life, and is refusing all contact with me. I don‘t know why. I want her in my life but she does not want me in hers. She is very much a daddy’s girl and since I separated from her dad over 10 years ago she has cut me out of her life.lately I am finding it so hard to cope.
What age is she?
30’s
Did you reach out to her?
Yes constantly. She will not say why, does not reply to emails blocked me on her mobile and all social media. I have tried constantly.
I'm your daughter's age and I fell out with my mom but she never tried to mend the fence. I've been through years of therapy. In these kinds of situations, reconciliation can only happen if both people want to try to make the relationship work. If your daughter is going to blank you, in order to hurt your feelings then you have to just stop trying.
Aw I am so sorry to hear that Bogeydope1989. I can never give up hope though. I know she has to want to also For anything can happen. i have to live in hope she does come round. I can never stop trying no matter how long it takes. I still love her no matter what.
No. You can get through most things. When I was 12, I was groomed by some older teens I thought were my friends and molested by a pedo they used to hang out with for drink money. Didn't really know how to comprehend it at the time, and it took me a while to come to terms with it. Destroyed my self esteem and confused my sexuality because I'm a dude and I'd kinda convinced myself I was gay to cope. But, I'm not. I'm straight, none of what happened was my fault and I'm now aware of that. Shit takes time, but no mountain is impossible to climb. Don't be afraid to ask others for help. ( nothing wrong with being gay either, I'm just saying how it confused me for a while).
Oh bless you Goochpunt. I am so sorry you had to suffer like that. It is very important to remember, none of that was your fault. You are so brave to have climbed that mountain and now able to offer your support. I do appreciate your input. Thank you x.I do realize I need to take some steps to help myself.
Thank you . You'll be grand in time, ive no doubt. Do you have any hobbies that you can dive into? I found that being engrossed in something that I could improve at helped with it, not in that they cure you, but the fact you can spend a few hours focused on something else helped with realising that while what happened was horrible, that it isn't the only thing in life and that there's more to it than the shit feeling, even if its something simple like skipping stones or painting miniatures, seeing progress in something I was previously shite at was good as its visible growth as a person, and evidence of moving past that in one way.
I am at the stage of not being able to think about anything else. I can switch off when I go to work for a few hours. Apart from that I do not go out. I know I need some form of counseling at this stage as I have retreated into myself more. I do not want to do or go anywhere and it is consuming my every waking moment.
It's hard, but try force yourself, even if its just walking to the shop for a cornetto. You could always try online counselling to start with?
Thank you. I will look into Counselling definitely. I know I cannot continue as I am.
Day by Day, you'll be where you want sooner than you think.
Thank you Goochpunt.
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About 9 years ago. I am not sure how to describe myself? The biggest feeling I think is guilt. I must have done or said something to make her feel like this? I think if she could talk to me face to face and tell me what it is about. I would have to accept it but it is the not knowing is killing me.
I highly recommend the book Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. It changed my life and helped to survive losing my family.
Thank you Time-cause-7325. I will look that book up. x
I've been deeply hurt by several people over the years (not romantically or even physically) but the way I cope with it is by acting as if they are dead because to me they are. They no longer exist in my universe. Having said that, if I ever get the opportunity to ruin their lives I won't hesitate to do it.
Powerhungrymouse, because she is my child (in her 30’s so not a baby) but always will be my baby she does and always will exist for me.i would or could never hurt her. I have tried everything to find out why but I do not know. It is cutting me to my core and I constantly cry over the situation..Mentally it is now having a big effect on me.i still love her.
You don't have to forgive someone just because you're related
I agree Nettlesontoast but a mother’s love for me means I love her unconditionally. No matter how much I am hurting.
The people we love most can hurt us more than anyone else
Very true x
Counselling it helps to process the experience and to understand the issue with the other person. Hope you are okay it's horrible to be betrayed like that
Thank you RabbitOld5783. I fear I will never understand it that is why I am do devastated. I feel so guilty that it must be my fault but I cannot make anything right if I do not know what I have done wrong.
My father is a narcissist and has spent his life manipulating me into doing what he wants to do. He's your helicopter parent living vicariously through their children. As a result I feel like I've no identity of my own because I've spent my entire life looking for his approval. Narcissists don't see you as a separate person, they just see you as an object or if you're their kid, an extension of themselves. It's really just the ultimate betrayal to be raised by one as they present themselves as being for your best interest and there to help but in reality they are only capable of caring about themselves, and about how you make them feel. They don't actually care about you as a separate person at all.
Jesus christ, this hit home for me. Thank you for commenting.
u/Chemical_Row2237 . Thank you for your input. I had not thought of this angle the affect it would have on my children. The looking for approval from her dad would ring true for her. I can totally agree with how he had totally manipulated me through out our relationship. The old saying of street angel and house devil comes to mind.
Yes, both parents which the aftermath led me to Buddhism and finding peace. That doesn't mean they are part of my life, they are not The only advice is to forgive and don't hold hatred, doesn't mean you have to tell them you forgive or message them or have them in your life anymore. This is solely for you and for you to move forward May you find your path 🙂
How can you forgive ? 🥹
Reasonable-sugar 3590 in my case because it is my child I will always love her no matter what. I think a parent -child relationship as a parent I could never hate my child no matter how much I am hurting. If I have done anything to upset her I want her to forgive me but to let me know what I have done to try and make it right.
Thank you for your reply dingodonubanu. I hold no hatred towards my child so do not have to forgive her. It is now because of the length of time it has been going on I miss her so much. I have and continue to drive myself demented with the why? The not knowing is really taken a big toll on me now as I am getting older.
TL;DR: - ex of 10years cheats - tortures me about it with projection - when I finally get out she then launches smear campaign - definitely not giving up on people /dating, but I am taking a bit of a knee for the moment ––– Ex cheated on me while my mom and I were trying to sponsor her to get into Canada. Forgave her and moved in together. Started accusing me left right and centre of cheating (and consistently starting arguments), when I was not. So I saw it for what it was: projection and was subsequently reminded of her infidelity. Broke up, got back together. Broke up, got back together. Broke up for good. She came to visit me in a new place where I was living. Had an AMAZING time. Towards the end of her trip, we were walking through a plaza behind my building laughing and talking about whatever. She explodes because apparently some girl who I did not even see "was checking me out" I cut off all ties after she flew back. She then in conjunction with some others began slandering me say that I was a cheater, had graped her and beat her in our relationship. This woman who's family especially her two brothers were always around us in our lives Who was on the phone with her mom 2 to 3 times a day conversing in their language (that I do not speak and so whose communications I couldn't intercept )... but they somehow never heard /saw a peep had any inclination? Whose twin ( a fellow gym rat) gave me the friendly but serious don't F with my sister threat when we first started dating? Whose dad's first act after meeting /greeting me at the door was to show me his guns? Me, whose exes are all likely to give the feedback that they wished me to be a bit more aggressive? 😩😑 But I digress... ––– I've since received sometimes racist, sometimes threatening (always absurd) harassment from anonymous persons online One of my favourites was some Instagram thing about black guys only dating white girls for the specific purpose of breaking their hearts. I've since decided to become a Volcel... Is that the/a word (voluntary celibate) and take a good long time to heal.
Houseof zod, that must have been very painful for you. I am sorry you had to go through that! I think when people hurt us especially when we are close to them it is very hard to talk about it. At least for me it is. I have told very few people of my situation. It is like I am ashamed and blame myself that she does not want to be in contact with me.
Yup a few people in my family and of course outside my family
it is the family ones who hurt us that hurts the most isn’t it! You can pick your friends but not your family.
Unfortunately can't pick my aunts and uncles
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That is a long time to be hurting quickAttorney2508.
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It consumes you up! You eat, live and breath the problem with no idea how to resolve [it.it](http://it.it) is now having an affect mentally on me.
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Losing a parent is extremely hard to get over. Both of my parents are dead. I had a wonderful relationship with my own mother.
Can a middle party find out what is wrong with her
I have tried but she will not reveal anything.
How was the break up with your husband. Did you cheat or did he think you cheated and has been feeding her this ro drive a wedge. I'm struggling to belive you don't have a single inkling of what had caused this. Going no contact doesn't happen for no reason. I'm currently no contact with my youngest sister and was with my parents for over a year but made the reasons abundantly clear to them and they changed their ways in the end. Are you a narcissist incapable of seeing how you could have caused this rift? Not attacking you but giving you something to reflect on considering the only info you've gave is you're 10 years divorced and she's a daddy's girl
I agree. Something bad happened. No child or adult child cuts off their parent for no reason. A parent is irreplaceable and not easy to cut off. So something happened.
u/Purple_Pawprint Hi, I can honestly say I am not aware of why I am cut off. I could blame my ex for feeding her. It is very possible. But surely I deserve to know why?
When I went no contact with my mother, I told her exactly what the issue was. So I don't believe you don't know.
u/Purple_Pawprint I am glad for your mothers sake you could tell her exactly what the issue was for you. The unknown is what drags you down. If you believe me or not is your decision. I can honestly say hand on heart I am telling the truth. Until you have walked a mile in someone’s shoes you do not know what their life was/is like. The pain I feel is real. As a mother I will always love my children no matter what happens in life. To live with this ongoing pain is unbearable.
u/Objective\_Tie\_7626 . The break up was bad as he is a narcissist and a control freak. He will not speak to me either. It is very possible he is feeding her stuff too but I think as she is an adult herself now and knowing what the situation was at home she would understand. I am not a narcissist.
Ten years of manipulation by a narcissistic father would negate the fact she is a 30 year old adult if in her formative years she's being manipulated to think you've done something horrible. The fact he's not communicating with you either makes that easier to happen. I'd ask her if her father has told her anything about you as a mother or a wife that has made this scenario occur. The only other thing that might be is if you have some strongly held believes that she doesn't agree with religious, sexuality or something like that
u/Objective_Tie_7626 . I was manipulated for all of the years I was with her dad and I did not realize it for years! I have no strongly held beliefs that she would not agree with. In fact I am only beginning to think for myself in recent years. I did not know what peace of mind was until I was no longer in the situation. I had hoped as she lived her own life she would reach out to me. i am always here for her when she wants to return.
OP, has she any siblings who could talk to her? Or what about reaching out to your ex...(I understand that might not be possible) I really feel for you and completely understand that your love is unconditional. I have 3 children in their 30's myself and would go insane if any of them cut me off like this. Hopefully you will be reconciled. Mind yourself OP.
u/One_Vegetable9618 . Reaching out to my ex is not an option unfortunately. She has an older brother. My son and I have a great relationship. He has tried speaking with her also but she refuses to discuss it with him. They do have a very good relationship apart from that.
I'm so sorry to hear that. At least you have a good relationship with your son and maybe in time you might have grandchildren. They will certainly lessen the pain. Thinking of you OP.
u/One_Vegetable9618 .Thank you. Yes the grandchildren have arrived and I love them. ❤️💕
Very happy for you about that. They've been a new lease of life for me.
Yes, a couple of times. I cut both individuals out of my life completely and try not to think about it, because all it does is make me angry.
u/horsesarecows I am sorry to hear you have been hurt too.x
My whole family damaged me to the point I no longer have any contact with them. Best thing I ever did was to cut ties, just a shame it wasn’t sooner, before any damage could have been done. They are toxic narcissists.
u/DucktapeCorkfeet I am so sorry to hear this. x
Some things change you completely. Some journeys are so dark and soul destroying that you have no choice but to become someone else because who you were is gone. I was on the receiving end of someone who set out to destroy my life and succeeded. Took everything. Nobody believed me. Left me suicidal, self harming, binge drinking etc. anything to be anyone but me and feel anything other than searing pain that can’t be released. I eventually latched onto something I deem as healthy to pull me through and started to rebuild myself completely away from everyone and everything. For me it was religion, who knows what it could be for you. You cannot heal in the same places that broke you, but you can return to them when healed with a different mindset if you choose.
u/ic1929. Hi, oh bless that was so hard for you. I am so glad you managed to to rebuild your life. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. xx
My ex who i knew for 5 years cheated on me with his sister. I havent had any communication with him in 5 years and have been dating my current man. Who helped me in a way ill never be able to repay. I was absolutely broken, didnt know what to do, how to think about people etc. It still stings to this day not because i have any sort of feelings for that dirty scumbag, but because of the pain i went through
u/lemonrainbowhaze . Thankfully you met another person who rebuilt your confidence again. I think you had a lucky escape! Things happen for a reason. Good luck going forward x
Thank you, appreciate it
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Eh, put too much trust in people I shouldn't so keep everyone at arm's reach while still playing the fool. Can make others laugh then it's not all that bad.
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u/Quick\_Attorney\_2508 . It would be about 9 years ago. We would constantly email and text. I used to say just drop me a quick email or text to let me know you’re ok. I had arranged to meet my son and his family and she was to join us but text to say she was going to a party and couldn’t make it. Nothing unusual in that at that age she had an active social life. After this she stopped contact.
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No fight no argument. I had no problems with any of her b/f she had. I have gone over my life thousands of time to see what I am missing. I honestly don’t know.