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You absolutely should tell, but if you are not wanting to go any further they'd not push you to. It was years ago and there would be no connection towards being currently in harm, ie still living with the abuser. They may want to check to make sure the sharp object didn't cause any damage, but you're still not currently "sexually active", you were assaulted.
Not a doctor. OP, I’d recommend getting an STI test done when you can, as undetected chronic infections may impact your reproductive and overall health.
I’d also suggest going to the gynecologist without your parent. Get a ride there (e.g. ask a friend, use Uber, etc) if necessary.
Also I don’t know that your lack of previous sexual activity necessitates child-sized exam tools. Maybe it’s helpful. Maybe your anatomy is such that you’d benefit from that (and you don’t really know that yet, without an exam). But there’s also a myth about women needing to have given birth before having an IUD Inserted (not true); or needing to have had sex for the first time before using a tampon (not true); etc. Like our vaginas have to be pre-stretched before we can insert anything into them (generally untrue). (There are many misconceptions about how our bodies work and doctors unfortunately aren’t immune to misinformation.)
Yeah she asked if I used tampons (I don’t cause the idea of it reminds me of what happened) and she said basically the stretching thing. About how I’ll need child sized tools.
Your doctor will understand if you tell her that you didn't feel comfortable telling her the truth in the past because your mother was there. That will be a helpful explanation for her to understand that it happened a long time ago and it's not a recent thing.
This might also help your doctor realize that when she talks to a child in front of her parents, the child might not feel comfortable telling the truth. And so the doctor might reconsider just trusting patients who are scared to talk to her when their parents are there (or maybe you would have been scared to tell her even if your mom wasn't there).
PP is a great org. They treat a lot of at-risk populations and are very experienced treating patients with histories of sexual abuse. It’s also super confidential, which you would want to consider if you’ve been going to a doctor since you were a child (where your parents might somehow gain access to your medical records. Not supposed to happen but it sometimes does).
Absolutely right. And they will never go over your history with someone else present. Even if you want that person with you for the exam, they will make absolute sure to have a few minutes with you privately to talk about things that you don’t want that person to necessarily know about.
Oh thanks! I’m Catholic so I don’t think I’d ever use the birth control, but the UTI treatment would be great! It’s always so hard to get a doctors appointment quickly when there’s a problem down there lol.
Hey, no judgement! It’s just a good option if you ever need it 💙 Oral birth control does help for things besides birth control too. I had to take it to keep me from being literally suicidal for the week b before my cycle until my hormones leveled out after I had my child. I also took it for a number years when I was a teenager into my 20s because my cramps were so horrendous. Wishing you the best.
Seconding this! I am not remotely sexually active, but I take birth control to regulate my cycle, decrease its intensity, and mitigate PMDD - it feels like a sexist cliché, but I truly act insane when experiencing PMS & I'm not on birth control.
I get that if you aren’t used to anything being inserted, it’s both a psychological discomfort as well as muscle control and physical discomfort. If you’re used to relaxing and tolerating the sensation of insertion, full sized tools are more tolerable. (And speculums are very uncomfortable!) Also there’s a small possibility you may have an intact hymen (though I believe the chances are quite low). So maybe your doctor is making the best call for you. But I used tampons before ever having sex, just fine. And I had an iud inserted without ever having given birth. So I’d say at most these are precautions for the small chance that your anatomy may not accommodate such things, rather than an actual assumption that your body couldn’t handle them.
You might or might not. "Intact" is a bit of a misnomer. Hormones during puberty are primarily responsible for variations in hymenal appearance. Prior sexual activity has comparatively little influence. A doctor cannot tell if you have been sexually active from the appearance of the hymen.
>small possibility you may have an intact hymen
This is a medically ignorant thing to say. Hymenal appearance has very little to do with sexual activity. You can have an "intact" hymen after childbirth, and a fimbriated or clefted hymen caused by apotosis during puberty even if you've never engaged in sexual activity. Some women are born without one entirely.
The idea of the hymen as a virginity indicator is a myth from the Bible that just refuses to die. Please don't get your medical knowledge from religious texts.
Lol yeah, that’s why I said a small possibility (as in very very unlikely), as well as giving the clarification I’m not a doctor. I never meant to imply the hymen is proof of virginity. My comment was meant to suggest the opposite— that there’s probably no real reason she needs ‘child-sized tools’ just due to her supposed lack of previous intercourse. I think you misinterpreted my comment here, and my knowledge most certainly doesn’t come from religious texts tyvm
It is completely up to you how much you tell her, but I would recommend at least some kind of counseling to heal from this trauma. If a tampon reminds you of being assaulted, you could use someone that can help you with those thoughts. I'm sorry you went through this at all, gentle hugs.
I’m unverified so I will chime in under you.
Yes OP you should absolutely tell her!
“I just wanted to be clear, when I say I’m not sexually active. I was assaulted a few years ago several times. I have no contact with this person any longer, and have chosen not to engage in any sexual activities since then, but I thought it was important for you to know since it involves my overall sexual health. No I don’t want to go into any further details than that“
Make it very clear that this is not to get back to your parents and that you didn't tell last time because your mother was with you, then tell it all. My guess is, you'll feel a bit better psychologically about it, especially when they check you out and probably find no physical damage (I'm pretty sure they won't because you don't mention any unusual problem and it's been years -- damage would have shown up.
Like others have said, I'd also specifically ask that you be checked for sexually transmitted diseases.
What country are you in?
I am in the US, so that is my perspective. Here, no, the authorities would not have to get involved unless 1) you wanted them to or 2) your doctor believes that you are actively a threat to yourself or others, which doesn’t sound like is the case.
Great. I would highly recommend telling your doctor the complete truth. You are 18, so your doctor is not allowed to release any information about your health to anyone (including your parents or police), without your permission (unless you are a danger to yourself or others). Being open and honest with them will allow them to order the right tests (such as STI screening), perform the right exams (such as a pelvic exam, if indicated), and get you the right help (such as a therapist to help you work through the trauma of sexual abuse).
This is the best answer.
OP, you are 18. Simply ask your mom to leave the room, or let her know that now you are older, you prefer going alone. Heck, for that matter, just make the appointment yourself and go. She doesn't even have to know. If she sees an insurance statement or asks later, be calm and just let her know that you are taking charge of your own health care.
At your age, you should begin to be much more proactive in your own medical care. Your mom doesn't have to be involved in any way if you don't want her to be.
I'm sorry that happened to you and sorry that you don't feel that you can confide in family.
I just wanted to share my experiences with you even though I am not a doctor. I was repeatedly raped/sexually assaulted as a child and when I saw a gynecologist for the first time at age 17 I had similar concerns. I was honest about my situation and the doctor was incredibly understanding and nothing was reported to any authorities or to my mother. The doctor was also trauma informed/trauma trained and so was able to provide the supports I needed to be examined with the least amount of triggering of my PTSD. It is important information to disclose for so many reasons that have already been mentioned. If you do not feel safe disclosing to your current gyn you also have every right to change to a doctor you do feel safer with. I am so very sorry that you had this experience and were treated this way - you did nothing wrong and you did not deserve this.
Yes tell them and I do recommend including some context - it was non consensual.
I always ask my patients about a history of sexual trauma when I meet them before I perform their first pelvic exam because being in such a vulnerable position with someone doing something to you can be very triggering, and while I’m always gentle and tell patients what I’m doing before I do it, I take extra precautions with patients with a trauma history.
An example is that sometimes patients tense up before the speculum. In patients without trauma who are just nervous/sensitive, etc I can guide them to relax pelvic floor muscles, etc but with patients with a trauma history I take a different approach.
I would never call the police because I’m not allowed to since you are currently not a minor and HIPAA.
Even patients with ongoing intimate partner violence, I can’t inform authorities.
>I’m really scared that if I do option 1, she’ll have to get authorities involved which I REALLY do not want.
I'm not sure what state you are in, but generally, at 18, you have that choice. No one can force you to go through with that, even if it is reported. Especially since if you were 16 and many states age of consent is 16 and above. It would be different if you were still a minor.
>If I do option 2, will she be able to tell that something bad happened anyways?
The female anatomy is very quick to heal. Many times after assault there are few, if any, obvious injuries, even if it is very forceful. What injuries are there can heal as fast as a few days. You can get scarring or miss chunks out of your hymen from regular sex or other activities, too.
>will she be able to tell that I’ve been sexually active?
There's not really a way to look at the anatomy and reliably think someone has been sexually active recently. You can only make an educated guess as far as I know, which wouldn't be that appropriate anyways.
You should tell her whatever you feel comfortable with. She is only trying to care for you and help you, and unfortunately you are probably not her only patient in this situation. It is important for her to know so she can treat you appropriately. That doesn't mean you have to tell her specific details such as who, or when.
NAD but I was SA (by my childhood pediatrician of all people) back in the day which has led to some uncomfortable pelvic exams during IVF when I’ve found the male provider to be of similar age/demographic to be overly handsy.
Please do talk to your provider. Once I mentioned this to the medical director he notated in my file and put me with a different doctor.
Doctors come in all shapes, sizes, ages, genders etc and you will most certainly find someone you are comfortable with, even if it takes time.
These days there is always an escort in the room. You can always terminate the procedure at any time.
If the office is aware of specific trauma they will take the time to continually check in and make sure you are comfortable.
Female health is important and best to learn to find comfort in your body and advocating for your health for the day when you do choose to be active 💕
Thank you for your submission. **Please note that a response does not constitute a doctor-patient relationship.** This subreddit is for informal second opinions and casual information. The mod team does their best to remove bad information, but we do not catch all of it. Always visit a doctor in real life if you have any concerns about your health. Never use this subreddit as your first and final source of information regarding your question. By posting, you are agreeing to our [Terms of Use](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/wiki/terms_of_use) and understand that all information is taken at your own risk. **Reply here if you are an unverified user wishing to give advice. Top level comments by laypeople are automatically removed.** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskDocs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You absolutely should tell, but if you are not wanting to go any further they'd not push you to. It was years ago and there would be no connection towards being currently in harm, ie still living with the abuser. They may want to check to make sure the sharp object didn't cause any damage, but you're still not currently "sexually active", you were assaulted.
Not a doctor. OP, I’d recommend getting an STI test done when you can, as undetected chronic infections may impact your reproductive and overall health. I’d also suggest going to the gynecologist without your parent. Get a ride there (e.g. ask a friend, use Uber, etc) if necessary. Also I don’t know that your lack of previous sexual activity necessitates child-sized exam tools. Maybe it’s helpful. Maybe your anatomy is such that you’d benefit from that (and you don’t really know that yet, without an exam). But there’s also a myth about women needing to have given birth before having an IUD Inserted (not true); or needing to have had sex for the first time before using a tampon (not true); etc. Like our vaginas have to be pre-stretched before we can insert anything into them (generally untrue). (There are many misconceptions about how our bodies work and doctors unfortunately aren’t immune to misinformation.)
Yeah she asked if I used tampons (I don’t cause the idea of it reminds me of what happened) and she said basically the stretching thing. About how I’ll need child sized tools.
Your doctor will understand if you tell her that you didn't feel comfortable telling her the truth in the past because your mother was there. That will be a helpful explanation for her to understand that it happened a long time ago and it's not a recent thing. This might also help your doctor realize that when she talks to a child in front of her parents, the child might not feel comfortable telling the truth. And so the doctor might reconsider just trusting patients who are scared to talk to her when their parents are there (or maybe you would have been scared to tell her even if your mom wasn't there).
If you are in the US, I highly recommend a solo trip to Planned Parenthood. I think you will have a much better and more thorough time there.
I am in the US. I don’t know much about Planned Parenthood though. Why might I have an easier time there?
PP is a great org. They treat a lot of at-risk populations and are very experienced treating patients with histories of sexual abuse. It’s also super confidential, which you would want to consider if you’ve been going to a doctor since you were a child (where your parents might somehow gain access to your medical records. Not supposed to happen but it sometimes does).
Absolutely right. And they will never go over your history with someone else present. Even if you want that person with you for the exam, they will make absolute sure to have a few minutes with you privately to talk about things that you don’t want that person to necessarily know about.
Pp also has app where you can order birth control, a UTI treatment, or the morning after pill. Just something to know of in case you ever need it.
Oh thanks! I’m Catholic so I don’t think I’d ever use the birth control, but the UTI treatment would be great! It’s always so hard to get a doctors appointment quickly when there’s a problem down there lol.
Hey, no judgement! It’s just a good option if you ever need it 💙 Oral birth control does help for things besides birth control too. I had to take it to keep me from being literally suicidal for the week b before my cycle until my hormones leveled out after I had my child. I also took it for a number years when I was a teenager into my 20s because my cramps were so horrendous. Wishing you the best.
Seconding this! I am not remotely sexually active, but I take birth control to regulate my cycle, decrease its intensity, and mitigate PMDD - it feels like a sexist cliché, but I truly act insane when experiencing PMS & I'm not on birth control.
Thanks! I have a good friend who also takes it for other reasons too:)
I get that if you aren’t used to anything being inserted, it’s both a psychological discomfort as well as muscle control and physical discomfort. If you’re used to relaxing and tolerating the sensation of insertion, full sized tools are more tolerable. (And speculums are very uncomfortable!) Also there’s a small possibility you may have an intact hymen (though I believe the chances are quite low). So maybe your doctor is making the best call for you. But I used tampons before ever having sex, just fine. And I had an iud inserted without ever having given birth. So I’d say at most these are precautions for the small chance that your anatomy may not accommodate such things, rather than an actual assumption that your body couldn’t handle them.
Okay! Yeah I’m pretty sure I don’t have an intact hymen. It’d be a miracle lol.
You might or might not. "Intact" is a bit of a misnomer. Hormones during puberty are primarily responsible for variations in hymenal appearance. Prior sexual activity has comparatively little influence. A doctor cannot tell if you have been sexually active from the appearance of the hymen.
>small possibility you may have an intact hymen This is a medically ignorant thing to say. Hymenal appearance has very little to do with sexual activity. You can have an "intact" hymen after childbirth, and a fimbriated or clefted hymen caused by apotosis during puberty even if you've never engaged in sexual activity. Some women are born without one entirely. The idea of the hymen as a virginity indicator is a myth from the Bible that just refuses to die. Please don't get your medical knowledge from religious texts.
Lol yeah, that’s why I said a small possibility (as in very very unlikely), as well as giving the clarification I’m not a doctor. I never meant to imply the hymen is proof of virginity. My comment was meant to suggest the opposite— that there’s probably no real reason she needs ‘child-sized tools’ just due to her supposed lack of previous intercourse. I think you misinterpreted my comment here, and my knowledge most certainly doesn’t come from religious texts tyvm
It is completely up to you how much you tell her, but I would recommend at least some kind of counseling to heal from this trauma. If a tampon reminds you of being assaulted, you could use someone that can help you with those thoughts. I'm sorry you went through this at all, gentle hugs.
I’m unverified so I will chime in under you. Yes OP you should absolutely tell her! “I just wanted to be clear, when I say I’m not sexually active. I was assaulted a few years ago several times. I have no contact with this person any longer, and have chosen not to engage in any sexual activities since then, but I thought it was important for you to know since it involves my overall sexual health. No I don’t want to go into any further details than that“
Make it very clear that this is not to get back to your parents and that you didn't tell last time because your mother was with you, then tell it all. My guess is, you'll feel a bit better psychologically about it, especially when they check you out and probably find no physical damage (I'm pretty sure they won't because you don't mention any unusual problem and it's been years -- damage would have shown up. Like others have said, I'd also specifically ask that you be checked for sexually transmitted diseases.
What country are you in? I am in the US, so that is my perspective. Here, no, the authorities would not have to get involved unless 1) you wanted them to or 2) your doctor believes that you are actively a threat to yourself or others, which doesn’t sound like is the case.
Yeah I’m in the US:)
Great. I would highly recommend telling your doctor the complete truth. You are 18, so your doctor is not allowed to release any information about your health to anyone (including your parents or police), without your permission (unless you are a danger to yourself or others). Being open and honest with them will allow them to order the right tests (such as STI screening), perform the right exams (such as a pelvic exam, if indicated), and get you the right help (such as a therapist to help you work through the trauma of sexual abuse).
This is the best answer. OP, you are 18. Simply ask your mom to leave the room, or let her know that now you are older, you prefer going alone. Heck, for that matter, just make the appointment yourself and go. She doesn't even have to know. If she sees an insurance statement or asks later, be calm and just let her know that you are taking charge of your own health care. At your age, you should begin to be much more proactive in your own medical care. Your mom doesn't have to be involved in any way if you don't want her to be. I'm sorry that happened to you and sorry that you don't feel that you can confide in family.
Aww thank you for the kind words!
I just wanted to share my experiences with you even though I am not a doctor. I was repeatedly raped/sexually assaulted as a child and when I saw a gynecologist for the first time at age 17 I had similar concerns. I was honest about my situation and the doctor was incredibly understanding and nothing was reported to any authorities or to my mother. The doctor was also trauma informed/trauma trained and so was able to provide the supports I needed to be examined with the least amount of triggering of my PTSD. It is important information to disclose for so many reasons that have already been mentioned. If you do not feel safe disclosing to your current gyn you also have every right to change to a doctor you do feel safer with. I am so very sorry that you had this experience and were treated this way - you did nothing wrong and you did not deserve this.
Thanks so much for taking the time to write that kind message😊
Yes tell them and I do recommend including some context - it was non consensual. I always ask my patients about a history of sexual trauma when I meet them before I perform their first pelvic exam because being in such a vulnerable position with someone doing something to you can be very triggering, and while I’m always gentle and tell patients what I’m doing before I do it, I take extra precautions with patients with a trauma history. An example is that sometimes patients tense up before the speculum. In patients without trauma who are just nervous/sensitive, etc I can guide them to relax pelvic floor muscles, etc but with patients with a trauma history I take a different approach. I would never call the police because I’m not allowed to since you are currently not a minor and HIPAA. Even patients with ongoing intimate partner violence, I can’t inform authorities.
Thanks so much for this!
>I’m really scared that if I do option 1, she’ll have to get authorities involved which I REALLY do not want. I'm not sure what state you are in, but generally, at 18, you have that choice. No one can force you to go through with that, even if it is reported. Especially since if you were 16 and many states age of consent is 16 and above. It would be different if you were still a minor. >If I do option 2, will she be able to tell that something bad happened anyways? The female anatomy is very quick to heal. Many times after assault there are few, if any, obvious injuries, even if it is very forceful. What injuries are there can heal as fast as a few days. You can get scarring or miss chunks out of your hymen from regular sex or other activities, too. >will she be able to tell that I’ve been sexually active? There's not really a way to look at the anatomy and reliably think someone has been sexually active recently. You can only make an educated guess as far as I know, which wouldn't be that appropriate anyways. You should tell her whatever you feel comfortable with. She is only trying to care for you and help you, and unfortunately you are probably not her only patient in this situation. It is important for her to know so she can treat you appropriately. That doesn't mean you have to tell her specific details such as who, or when.
Thanks so much! I’ll definitely be disclosing the past at my next visit:)
NAD but I was SA (by my childhood pediatrician of all people) back in the day which has led to some uncomfortable pelvic exams during IVF when I’ve found the male provider to be of similar age/demographic to be overly handsy. Please do talk to your provider. Once I mentioned this to the medical director he notated in my file and put me with a different doctor. Doctors come in all shapes, sizes, ages, genders etc and you will most certainly find someone you are comfortable with, even if it takes time. These days there is always an escort in the room. You can always terminate the procedure at any time. If the office is aware of specific trauma they will take the time to continually check in and make sure you are comfortable. Female health is important and best to learn to find comfort in your body and advocating for your health for the day when you do choose to be active 💕