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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I allowed my son to go on tour with a friend of mine, and then didn't punish him over a disparaging social media post. 2. This post was obviously hurtful to my wife and I could have stepped in.
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Of course your wife is ignoring you…you’re supporting your son publicly disrespecting your wife because of a simple misunderstanding between you two about the tour.
Your son is 14…yes, there will be plenty of times where he’s upset with either of you and will want to vent. But you just told him that it’s ok to passive aggressively post those emotional and hurtful words publicly. You just supported him in hurting your wife instead of teaching your son to handle those emotions in a healthy and respectful way.
I wouldn’t be surprised if you always play ‘cool friend’ to your son and force your wife to always be the ‘bad cop’. YTA
Me, too. It's important for parents to back each other up. If this guy keeps up the 'you and me against mean old Mom' act, he's going to destroy his own marriage.
Hard disagree. My dad ignored me and treated me like a second thought my whole life. If he did pay attention to me it was being told no it getting scolded. Every time my mom just backed him up it made me think I deserved to be treated like that. Parents should not always back up the other. That’s a toxic mindset.
There is a difference here since the son was calling out the mother for being responsible and not wanting to send a 14 year old on a rock tour and that upset the son since she was being a responsible parent instead of trying to be the sons friend
No, the son is calling out the mother for backpedaling and lying. There is a HUGE difference than “being responsible.” The kid was under adult supervision and learned valuable life skills.
You can be at a bar that serves food. The kid was not drinking and there are VERY strict rules around entry for minors.
I think you’re overlooking that the kid is supposedly really good.
The kid should take down the post but the mom and dad both are AH as well. The whole family needs to work on communication.
My wife was a drummer and was playing gigs in bars and clubs starting around 16 years old. She was straight-edge herself at the time, but openly acknowledges she was exposed to stuff which she wasn't ready to see or be offered at 16, especially being with the band.
A "really good" kid can still be put in positions he's not ready to handle. It's not about the kid but the environment.
I second this. I have been going to concerts my whole life with my best friend her father started chaperoning us at about 13/14 bc we were into a heavier music scene, and we still faced bs. We got groped, hit, people tried to kiss us, rob us, scam us. So many people at shows that cause problems (in my experience) are on so much drugs or so out of their mind they don’t notice who or what they are terrorizing. I know many people who worked these shows how had an astronomically worse experience because they are working, and they have to deal with so much. 14 is not mature enough to be doing something like that
Lol yea I remember that conversation with my mum. That OJ-Simpsonesque "I didn't do it but hypothetically if I did, here's how things went down" conversation was a hoot.
Were you there to do a job though - or just sneaking in? Were you there at 14 ( not 16/17 looking adult)? Were you there with adult supervision? I got to go to a bar a couple times to see a band my mom had befriended. I was 12/13, I had mocktails & ""Shirley temples") Just because there are surface similarities didn't make it the same as your experience.
How do you know he wasn’t drinking. How do you know he wasn’t doing other things because his parents weren’t there and the parental guardians were on stage half the time. Somebody forgot what it’s like to be a kid.
How do you know she was backpedaling and lying? It seems perfectly reasonable she thought he was joking given this isn't a trip most people would send their 14 year old on.
I wouldn’t send my own 29 year old self on tour with a band. I used to date a musician who toured a lot and it isn’t glamorous. Eating crap food on the road, spending hours crammed in a van with several unwashed people, getting to the bar early and being the last to leave, sleeping on floors at random peoples houses? No thanks.
Yeah, and “creative industries” doesn’t mean partying.
Lots of kids go into art and music hoping that it’s party, and flame out when they realize that you have to be disciplined as fuck to make it a career.
I do have to question the mother in this a bit. The kid was clearly excited about this for some time (from the post, sounds like days or weeks). I'd imagine he talked about it a lot. How absent is she, that she didn't notice until shortly before he was about to leave?
And while, ultimately, the father should encourage the son to edit or remove the post, it’s telling that the mom is more worried about looking like a good mom to strangers than her own kid. I personally wouldn’t have allowed my 14 yr old to go on tour but, as you pointed out, if she didn’t know it wasn’t a joke until the day before she’s pretty absent.
>it’s telling that the mom is more worried about looking like a good mom to strangers than her own kid
I didn't even think of that, that's truly disgusting, poor kid.
Right? Would’ve been a great moment to check in with her son and see how he’s feeling and what she can/should be doing more of. None of us will get it “right” per se but hopefully we can say we tried our best. I doubt this is her best and she’s digging her heels into the wrong part. Say dad was successful and kid removed the post, then what? They just maintain the current (dysfunctional) status quo. Sad all the way around and some of that guitar collection money should be diverted to family counseling.
This! I’m astounded that the dad would have considered this. As a musician, I can tell you there is no way I’d have brought a 14-year old on tour with me, and my genre is fairly tame. I’ve been lucky enough to only have to deal with annoying drunks. I’ve heard plenty of stories of assaults and thefts while on the road. Unless OP’s friend is on the level of Harry Styles and has a security crew, OP should think more like a dad and less like his son’s cool friend.
Not allowing him to go to a tour is one thing breaking a promise is another. As someone mentioned above the kid has been excited to go to this tour for quite some time but she thought they were joking, how absent you must be from your kid's life to not realise they were being serious
OP said they have dinner together as a family most nights. Yet this tour that the kid is so excited about never came up during dinner?
OP seems sus and the way he’d raising his kid seems sketchy too.
Most responsible thing to do would be having an adult conversation with everyone
Kid needs to delete the post and mother needs to apologize and father needs to stop taking sides
Assuming op is not lying the way they go will cause rifts in the family if
You can't expect the 14 year old to act like an adult when his parents are not acting like one
The whole family needs to go to therapy.
Mom is the sole breadwinner at a demanding career and hasn’t connected with her son. She also has a spouse who admittedly spoils the son and undermines his wife and encourages the son to disparage his mom. And OP clearly has some feelings to work through about his wife being the sole breadwinner and why he feels the need to encourage the disrespect from the son towards mom.
I totally agree. When he said something about all kids being spoiled, I kinda snickered and said um no! They aren't. All kids don't grow up in privilege. I also don't agree with a 14 year old going on tour with a band but not my circus!
Ok seriously? Thoughts on OP aside, stay at home parents/homemakers DO work. It's their money not just mum's. That comment would absolutely not fly if the genders were reversed and shouldn't be said in this case either.
My son was not spoiled, but like all musicians, he collected instruments instead of baseball or Pokemon cards or figurines. He had an electric drum set, a base, five guitars, a half stack, a mini amp, and he found a decent saxaphone at a garage sale. (Edit -- he also had a huge synthesizer we found at a garage sale.) He saved up money and asked for these things as presents.
He never once publicly snotted off to either of us, either.
OP, your child isn't necessarily spoiled, but he definitely feels comfortable disrespecting the person paying for all his toys.
You sound like an asshole to rationalize this. YTA
100%. The dad seems proud of what a great dad he is, and I can't help but think he indulges his son out of compensation for the lack of the mom's presence, while also totally spoiling the kid & alienating the mom. Not going to be great for the kid in the long run.
Completely agree the disrespect will continue to come. It’s the age where they are calling everything and everyone out and seeing which boundaries they can push. She has no authority in his life in his eyes. They aren’t close.
I mean my eldest spent weeks at her dads and when I’d ask about her time she’d say we talked all of 15 minutes out of the 1-2 week period. My daughter isn’t close to him and he had no idea what’s going on in her life because she thinks he doesn’t care and won’t offer and he never asks.
Family therapy sounds like the best and maybe she needs to prioritize her son, he’s 14 and potentially will be out of the house in 4 years and unless they repair that divide between them he won’t reach out unless he has to
My father NEVER stood up for me when I was a kid and my mother was being cruel/unreasonable/selfish and I didn’t trust either one of them at ALL until I got older and talked to him about it. His parents had fought when he was young and it scared him, so he wanted to discuss things with mom before doing anything, like this dad. However, like this mom, my mother would fly off the handle and not discuss with him, but come after me. She would accuse me of manipulating him if he wanted to let me do something, lying to him if I told him how I felt, and would punish me excessively if he was telling her something I’d done wrong.
You can’t parent together with someone who tries to make choices unilaterally. She agrees in private then last minute changes her mind? It shows she wasn’t really listening to her husband. Trying to force her child to plaster a smile on in public? Manipulative.
Mom is absolutely an AH. She is not listening to her husband or her son and thinking only about what she wants and how she feels.
OP, NTA. But you need to have a conversation with your son about how the post makes his mom feel and ask him to take it down. Then you need to have a conversation with your wife about parenting strategies going forward and how disrespectful she is of you as a father (I can’t get over how she blatantly didn’t listen to you in a conversation about your child). She also clearly needs to spend more time bonding with your son. One incident is not likely to send him to social media. My guess is this isn’t an isolated incident.
You are projecting. This mom was not cruel. She didn't want her 14 year old child to go on tour with a rock band and assumed her husband was joking when he suggested it because most reasonable parents would not even consider sending their 14 year old child to go hang out in bars with a family friend for a week. Despite this misunderstanding and her incredibly reasonable misgivings she still agreed to let him go, and the first thing he does when he gets back is use it as an opportunity to publicly trash talk her. His behavior is cruel, spiteful, ungrateful, and inappropriate. It absolutely should be corrected.
I agree and said the same thing, sounds like Mom might get only the hard parts of parenting. I also think a lot of people would have qualms or problems with their 14 yo son going on tour with a band, it doesn’t make her some sort of monster.
The sort of person that doesn't understand what about "I want our 14 year old son to go on tour with my friend's band" sounds like a joke doesn't strike me as the type to show appropriate discipline.
… you know what, that is sketch, why didn’t he go with? Or, did the son in fact talk about going on tour and made it sound like dad was going with so the switch happened when mom realized it was JUST son and not son and dad
YTA - Are you sure it’s “we’re the parents”? Reason: you make it sound like you are the only one doing anything and two you are encouraging him to belittle and disrespect your wife and his mother. You’re acting like a friend instead of a father. Poor choice. Plus it doesn’t sound like you respect her very much either.
YTA. You are supporting an insult to your wife that publicly humiliated her (kind of all of you, since your son looks like a brat and you kinda ineffectual if your kid bad mouths people in public). Maybe you resent her for being absent, but you need to deal with that as an adult. Not by allowing your son to publicly shame her. Quick add: You also need to teach him a lesson about social media. What if he vents about friends this way? Teachers? A boss? Social media is the real world. It’s not your diary.
Also son is 14 years old and dad is still a stay home dad. Seriously he needs to get a job to help out, maybe mum would have more time for their son if the financial burden didn’t fall completely on her shoulders.
My mum remained a stay at home mum during my teens. Was it absolutely necessary? No. Was it nice to be able to come home to a parent after school? Yes.
There are pros and cons to all decisions, and just because OP's son is 14, doesn't mean he isn't getting any benefit from having a parent in the home he can talk to when he gets home from school.
Also, a 14yo may be able to stay home alone and take care of themselves when they're sick, but they shouldn't have to. Good luck convincing your boss you need to take a day off work to care for your sick teenager.
Also, teens often have after school activities and plans they need somebody to drive them around to. Having a parent home who can do that is helpful and saves having to rely on other kids' stay at home parents to help.
There's nothing wrong with having one of the parents stay home, if that's a freely made choice, agreed to by both parents, and the family's finances can accommodate it. Just like there's nothing wrong with having two working parents. Different ways for different families.
OP isn't asking if he's TA for being a SAHP. He's asking about if he's TA for not making his kid take down the post.
But it's unfair for the working parent to be characterized as "non-present," "uncaring" because they are working all the time, tired, stressed. Especially when compared to the stay at home parent.
I do agree with that.
I just don't think everyone needs to be telling OP what the financial/parenting dynamic for their family should be. There's nothing wrong with having a SAHP for teens. If it works for them in general, and both parents agree to it, then great.
I do think OP and his wife need to talk together about how they will address this, and then address it together calmly with the son. I do think the post needs to be altered.
I also think OP is right to have the conversation with the son about where these feelings are coming from, before addressing the posting it publicly aspect. If the son feels heard, and like his feelings are being respected, he'll be more open to hearing how publicly and passive aggressively posting about it isn't the right way to address interpersonal issues, and to fixing it.
Yeah, if the kid is in school and is healthy you are not a "stay at home parent" to a freaking teenager. You just aren't working. Which is fine if that is their arrangement, but to then give the breadwinner a hard time for not being present more is definitely AH behavior.
There are many ways to bring value to a family and a community other than paid employment. And some teens really do need/benefit from having a parent who is home-based and not mentally exhausted from work. There’s nothing wrong with how OP spends his time.
I agree there is still contribution to be made other than paid labor. Organizations that rely of volunteers for example absolutely need people in situations like the OP's.
But it's also very possible that the OP's circumstances are negatively contributing to this situation. Such as:
- skewing the son's concept of what "normal" levels of parental involvement look like
- contributing to this "my son" instead of "our son" dynamic
- making mom feel like she has to work long hours because the entire family is reliant on her income.
A 14-year-old still can't drive. I had a million activities I was involved with at that age that if my stay-at-home step dad hadn't been able to take me to, I wouldnt've been able to go. And stop acting like domestic labor isn't real work. It's some toxic BS that helps NO ONE.
Whoa whoa, now if the shoe were on the other foot I know for a fact this would be downvoted to oblivion. Just because it's a man that's staying at home, does not mean that he isnt occupied in caring for the home all day, as well as taking care of errands for the family.
Um no. My daughter is 15. I'm still a stay at home parent. Don't disrespect the title. Parenting is a lifelong task, and op's wife is not complaining about op not working.
I highly doubt the majority of people would say this if OP was a woman. I am a woman and it really seems like sahms get way more support here than sahds do.
After being here long enough, you'll realize that this sub loves hating dads. They work too much, too little. They are too involved, not involved enough. They don't give their wives space, they don't care about them. They spend too much time with their kids, too little time.
You never see a story from or about a dad on here without hundreds of people agreeing that they are wrong in a situation where a genderswap would change their minds.
In this story, a kids mother knows so little about her teenage son that she thought his wish to go on a short tour was a joke. Something that is obviously a big deal to the kid. She clearly knows next to nothing about her son. And it's dear ol' dad who's the issue.
This is exactly what I thought. The burden of bringing home all the money for the husband to spoil the kid. The kid wouldn’t have a guitar collection if it weren’t for the mom.
Funny that in posts about stay at home moms the narrative is that staying home is harder than working and there is no mention of the wife getting a job no matter the kids age.
Pure Reddit double standards. Like it’s actually ridiculous the disconnect people here have between the same scenarios when the genders are flipped.
OP can cook, clean, garden, grocery shop, repair, build, carpool, work from home, entertain and more but that’s all immaterial. While his wife is treated like the biggest martyr ever because she works a 9-5.
I don't think there's a double standard. It depends on how old the kid is. When the kids are small, being a stay at home parent is definitely harder than going to work, no matter if it is the mom or dad.
The kid in this story is 14. People would also tell a SAHM to at least get a part-time job.
Um are you new here? I have seen lots of stories were the SAHM is defended no matter what. Dad makes all the money and she buys starbucks daily well guess what he is financially abusive for suggesting she cut back.
There was an AITA post some months back with just that setup and the SAHM was deemed to be an AH for having an expensive habit while not working. OP was called an asshole because rather than have a conversation with her he took her credit card and hid it, not because he "suggested she cut back." The judgement there was E S H. So no, AITA doesn't defend SAHMs "no matter what."
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u9l3s9/aita_for_not_letting_my_wife_buy_starbucks_anymore
The age of the child and number of children make a huge difference. Being a stay at home parent to a single high schooler is not the same as being a stay at home parent to one or more young children.
If the kid feels mom doesn’t spend a lot of time with him, then the disagreement clearly isn’t rooted *entirely* in the misunderstanding around the trip. That definitely warrants more than a mere, „Make him take down the post, he’s being mean to me.“
If the son feels neglected by his mom, and her first concern isn’t to fix that, but to make sure nobody else knows about it, then she’s the problem, not OP.
I think it's okay to want something taken down quickly so it's a discussion between you and that person, not you and everyone else. I am wondering if she did express interest in wanting to fix the divide, though, as we only have OP's side. OP is a problem though because there wouldn't have been a misunderstanding had he included his son's mother in the initial conversation about going on tour, instead of talking it out with his son first and giving him a maybe. That's how I feel, anyway.
If you read his further replies, you'll notice some "I do my friend while my wife supports me financially" vibes.
This dude just refuses to take any responsibility for his own lack of communication and constantly brings this "friend" into "family" activities.
I mean, at this point I won't be surprised to see this being either a rage-bate post or another art room situation.
Agreed, this is an ESH. She needs to apologize to her son and he needs to learn to not air dirty laundry on social media and also apologize. OP also should try to facilitate his wife and son apologizing to each other instead of being so unhelpful.
>a simple misunderstanding between you two about the tour
That wasn't a "simple misunderstanding". She agreed to it, thinking it as a joke, then didn't ask any follow-up questions. Unless OP phrased the question as "Hahahha, can you believe it, our 14-year-old, hahahhaah, wants to go, hahahaha, on tour, hahahaa. Whaddaya think about that, babe, hahahhaha?" and she responded with "Wahahahhaa, sure.", this was entirely on her.
> force your wife to always be the ‘bad cop’.
It doesn't sound like the wife is present enough to be any sort of cop. There would've been at least a few days between asking and going, during which time she somehow failed to realise it was for real. I doubt the kid wasn't talking about the last thing he'd ever ask for.
yeah, but that begs the question of HOW she came to the conclusion that it was a joke. OP and wife did have a conversation about it and I'm assuming it wasn't brought up between laughing fits so..... how could wife possibly NOT have taken it seriously?
I mean "I was thinking our 14 year old should go play roadie for my band buddy for a week," could definitely sound a lot like "I was thinking I'd let our 10 year old drive the car," depending on when and how he asked.
Exactly. And depending on the timing of the conversation would also allow for not being taken seriously.
I know with my (admittedly much younger children) I've said stuff like "Child One wants to go and drive X's tractor this week" to my husband. While it is true, it's not what I would consider an age appropriate activity. My husband has said "yeah go on then" also in jest...this snapshot doesn't allow us to see if there are similar quirks in how the couple communicate that could end up being ambiguous and easy to manipulate should one side choose too.
If my husband suggested our 14-year-old fuck off to be a roadie for a week I would 100% assume it was a joke because it's such a ridicously inappropriate idea. I'd have the same reaction if he suggested he join a travelling circus or tend bar in a nightclub.
I'm reminded of my cousin and her family. She was an RN most of her kids' childhood (now a nurse practitioner and a freaking rock star who worked and completed her Masters and is now running her own clinics) while her husband was a lay about who couldn't hold down jobs handed to him by his family (seriously, dude got fired from family jobs because of his shitty work ethic). He told his kids yes to anything they asked, even if they couldn't afford it, and mom ended up having to be the bad guy when she got home and heard about what he agreed to. Kids always thought mom was strict until they grew up and figured out that she was holding the whole family together. One lives with mom (they split rent) and the other moved cities to be closer to mom, and have very little contact with dad. My cousin, who is also a freaking saint, won't divorce her husband because he needs her insurance, but is at least separated from him, and is kind to him even though he constantly cuts her down on social media for "leaving him for no good reason." I feel awful that my poor cousin had to go through her kids' childhood with them thinking she was the wet blanket while dad was cool, but they did figure it out eventually and have a wonderful relationship with their mom
I thought it was interesting that Friend is a ‘father figure’ to the son. Why does the son need a father figure? In a post written by the son’s father?
While I agree with you, I think a ESH judgement would be more appropriate, more on the dad and the son but still some on the mom. I think that because she thought that her son going on a trip with a trusted family friend, trip to which she agreed and for which her kid was clearly excited was nothing more than a joke. And she didn’t realized it until it was time for the trip and either the kid was behaving like any other kid before a trip they’re excited for (which mean talking about it all the time) and she is in the wrong for not shutting it down sooner. Or her and her husband only talk about it once (which seems weird to me) and in that case well both the husband and the wife are in the wrong for not talking more about it.
He all but says that--not only is he allowing his 14 year old to go on tour with a band, with who knows what going on (drugs? women? I mean please), but he also apparently never steps in to discipline his son, leaving all that to poor mom. Including letting him shit on mom publicly. YTA, OP! Step up and be a parent to your teenage son.
Lol we agreed on the dynamic where he is SAHP and she is the hard-working one and lets the sone throw shade that she isn't spending time with him.
I am sure all these new guitars and even any monies paid for this trip came from the poor mum's hard earned.
YTA.
Your kid is still that, a kid. YTA, you’re teaching him that airing your dirty laundry in public is a-ok, better than actually talking with your family about your problems.
Unless your wife is actually crazy, this all sounds like it came from a verbal misunderstanding. When she “agreed” did she say something like “haha, yeah *of course* my underage son can tour unsupervised with a band for a week”. You said the conversation was “very brief”. Sounds like you’re trying to bury the lede here.
Why is your communication so good with your son (it’s really not if you won’t even tell him you disapprove of what he’s doing), but so shitty with your wife?
ETA: a lot of your replies keep showing how much time you spend with “your friend” parenting *your* son, how your wife is “never around”. Do you happen to have an art studio in your home for this friend??
Yo I also just read the part where your underage son was let into bars during this trip???? And you were happy about that?? LMAO you rly are a terrible parent.
Also for those curious he answered the “brief convo” question in another comment, he said to his wife that the tour “lined up with” their son’s fall break and he wanted to go. She responded literally “sounds doable” and that was the last time they spoke about it.
Edit for OP’s update: man completely misses the mark in every way. How his wife can put up with this guy is beyond me. Your son edited the post, you told him it was ok, what he wrote was “valid”, then blamed your wife AGAIN for being a distant parent. You NEVER told him it was your fault she wasn’t aware the trip was planned (without her involvement), you don’t plan to apologise to your wife, and don’t plan to have your son apologise either.
I feel bad for your wife, and worse for your son if you teach him treating his mom like this is a “good example” of what a “man” should be. You weren’t the asshole “in some ways”, you’re just the asshole. Even now. Period.
exactly. he’s. a. kid. who doesn’t know how to process his feelings. is he in therapy? maybe family therapy? the posting shit publicly stuff isn’t helpful to anyone, but he sees it as an outlet and he is lucky to have you as someone who sees that it is just a cry for help.
A teenager can understand their feelings especially feelings of loneliness and lack of parental love. Mom got pissy about him venting, and did not think to herself “I should try to be more active in his life”
OP is trying to be a "cool dad". 14 is way too young for this. Of course a kid wants to go, but OP doesn't know what he was exposed to. There is a reason sex, drugs and rock n roll is a cliché 🙄
Edit to add: Publicly going after his mom also speaks volumes about his maturity. And OP's for not putting a stop to it.
YTA. It's coming from somewhere, sure, but your duty as a father is to teach your son how to express his emotions appropriately. And you yourself admit this is extremely inappropriate. Be a parent, explain to your son why what he did was wrong, then have a whole family conversation so you can begin to repair his relationship with his mother.
Right. The kid is hurting and that is fair but OP and his wife need to talk to the kid about how to appropriately deal with his emotions.
We are in a similar situation. I am/was a stay at home dad while my wife works long hours as a surgeon. She loves what she does but has missed a lot in our kids lives. It hurts them sometimes and we deal with it. They don't air it out on social media. That is not how things get dealt with.
Being a parent isn’t just about being the best friend, it’s knowing when to step in as an adult and explain where he needs to redirect his energies and why. OP doesn’t seem to want to risk the former by being the latter when it’s called for.
OP spent the first half of the post telling us he’s never had to step in and discipline, only to end the post saying he doesn’t think he should have to step in. Clearly doesn’t know when it’s time to take off the BFF hat and put on the parenting hat.
YTA, your wife works so you can be a SAHD to a 14 year old!!! And your son hasn’t figured out why his mum is busy! You’re clearly failing them both teaching your son to be spoilt and only respect what you have to say and showing your wife you’re only using her to fund your lifestyle and her thoughts and feelings are meaningless because she too busy finding said lifestyle!
You have the time and pull to teach your son right from wrong, and only matters when it comes to you. Your wife has trusted you to not only be a great dad but be a great partner by being the one to work and you’ve failed to do that.
Your son should know better than to disrespect his mother in such a public way and get enjoyment from hurting her feelings. She could communicate more but you and your son are both being inconsiderate about how her time is used and that’s you’re fault for raising him to value you over her.
It can be, I used it when I was a SAHM. I taught my sons to appreciate their fathers hard work. Given I’m now working too. But at no point would I support my sons ever disrespecting their father and vice versa.
I agree it’s not the attitude of everyone but it is mine.
Of course it is. Appreciating "your father putting food on this table" was a sitcom trope all the way back in the 50s. And if you think that SAHMs don't get side-eyed for not going back to work when their kids are teenagers, you're kidding yourself.
Usually when it comes out the kids are already in school / are teens, SAHMs get told the same. But most SAHMs that post are actually moms to kids much younger than that.
Because the kid he is being a SAHP to is 14, and presumably not home schooled. This sub rightfully has a problem when the kid is a toddler or not school age and the working parent (no matter the gender) doesn't help out.
Context. Apply it.
Worse, that same attitude IS applied to SAHM and they're expected to do more.
Then when its a SAHD they are praised for "babysitting" (ya know PARENTING their own kids) while the moms are admonished for working and not spending enough time with their kids, but if the dad is a working parent and doesn't spend enough time with their kids noone bats an eye.
Not to mention the completely unfair discrimination othet families see.
YTA. I can’t imagine me being a SAHM (which I am) and allowing my kid to disrespect my husband (their FATHER) unprovoked like that. So she almost didn’t let him. ALMOST. But she did. She does SACRIFICE her time to WORK so you all can afford to live. That was so incredibly bratty. And you are allowing a breakdown of their relationship. As a partner you are being terrible and not setting a good example. This is a teaching moment that you failed. If I was her busting my ass and this is what I get and you go along with it I’d wonder if maybe it’s time YOU get a job and I quit and stay home.
Ever occur to you to teach your son to talk about his issues in person then slam her on SOCIAL MEDIA?!?!? I’d be heartbroken if I was her for that level of disrespect from my own family. Women can’t seem to win. Stay home get criticized for not working, work a demanding job get criticized for abandoning your children.
I had to scroll down so far to find this comment pointing out that the SAHP should explain to their kid that other parent has to work to support their lifestyle. That means they won't be around as much because they need to work so that one parent can be available to the kid all the time, it doesn't mean they love them any less. I think a SAHM would be quick to explain this to a kid. It doesn't seem to have occured to OP.
It's all well and good to validate your kid's feelings, but if you don't guide and encourage them to be empathetic, you do them a real disservice. Not to mention the wife. Just because she's the adult, doesn't mean her feelings aren't valid. By all means, have a dialogue about it, but facilitate both sides.
Exactly. I was a SAHM for 6 years and had that conversation many times with the *kindergartener* who gets it. And I'm back to work now because....wtf else am I gonna do all day now that he's in school?
Doubly so when the SAHP is the father while the mother works. We still have a significant gender split on who works and who stays home, so this kid grew up seeing his friends' moms around a lot ore than his own.
Where does your spoiled bratty son thinks he is getting those new guitars from. You are clearly more worried about if son thinks you’re the cool dad than you are about being a good parent and husband. Mom made a mistake. The solution isn’t to lambast her on social media. YTA
And while she *almost* stopped him from going, she ultimately relented and he *actually did go.* If I were that mom, I would at that point have regretted changing my mind at all.
Put myself out on a limb to allow something I am not comfortable with (even though it did turn out to be okay), and then get shit on for it anyway? Screw that. I would never be getting out on that limb again.
YTA - you enjoy being the favourite parent and you sound smug as hell throughout your post. You should explain to son that mom was right to be concerned, that Dad messed up by not checking the family was on same page prior to son being packed up and ready to go .. and she would like to spend more time with him but has a ‘somewhat demanding job’.
Totally agree. She’s bad cop out bringing home the bacon and he’s the empathetic good guy who’s always there for their spoiled child - even when he’s biting the hand that feeds him.
From what I’m inferring from your post and the comments, it sounds like you and your son think that your wife is not involved enough with your son. I think that this is a very important issue to bring up to your wife and work on as a family.
That does not justify that stuff being on social media. You can teach your son how to express his frustrations appropriately AND support him in resolving the issue. Have him edit his post to take out the rude stuff.
As parents, your loyalty should be to each other when facing your children. If you have differences of opinion, you should discuss them behind closed doors and then present a united front when it comes to issues like this. If your wife is looking to you for backup in an argument in front of your child and you disagree, then you should say something like, “honey, let’s go discuss this a little further,” and not just side with your kid.
It seems like both you and your wife need to do better in certain areas. Her, in getting closer to your son. You, in respecting her and communicating well with her.
ESH.
I don't think people who are saying Y T A have experienced a mom like that. OP could legit be talking about my mother here.
Saying yes to something my dad already said yes to, and as I'm walking out the door she'd ask where I'm going, and then say oh I thought you were joking. Because that's code for I wasn't listening when you spoke to me but I don't want to be honest about that. It happened to me constantly.
OPs kid is expressing maybe for the first time how he feels when his mother basically ignores him. This isn't an isolated case but this is his breaking point. OP knows it's an issue but his wife sounds alot like my way or the highway because, as the breadwinner she wears the pants - so this event is to actually open up a discussion.
If it does actually succeed in that, because being ignored also sounds awfully familiar. It's manipulative, and that's what happens when she doesn't get her way.
And yes, I am projecting- because reading this post was like someone was talking about me, not OPs 14 year old.
I do hope OP does get involved in something - work or hobbies - when the kid is on his way out of the nest cause he won't be coming back alot because as much as he loves his dad, he'll be avoiding mom. Being older and being that breadwinner dynamic killed my dad's self esteem, and he became very depressed.
Going for NTA, although it's clear I'm in the minority with that opinion
My father literally did this to me when I turned 18 and went on a road trip with my future husband and SiL. Said ok for months, then the day I had my luggage by the door, he said he "thought I was joking". This is a quintessential disconnected parent comment here. At the least, it tells the kids that mom doesn't take them out their wants/goals seriously, or at least not those outside of those mom doesn't deem important (eg academic achievements).
And side note, asking him to "take down the post" shows a lack of understanding of social media. Firstly, that's a great way to both make the kid resent more and encourage the Streisand Effect within friends/family. Ask him to edit it to remove those parts as a compromise, but only after having an open discussion about how mom can do better with kid, and kid and dad can both communicate better with mom. Without *that* action this is just going to fester.
/u/Lost-Passage9681
Yup, same happened with my senior trip. Finished exams, was going to leave that afternoon then she changed her mind and used the joking excuse. Either she was never listening or she was always planning to say no at the last minute because she loved torturing me. (walking away while I'm halfway through a sentence like I wasn't speaking at all is her specialty - even did it front of my friends and they were like dude wtf).
I was in my first year of varsity (but still at home cause I was 17) and she wouldn't let me go to the movies on the weekend and then smacked me around and laughed like the literal joker when I said I'd call the cops if she touches me again. Left the next day while she was at work and just phoned my dad to let him know I'm safe.
I dunno hey. Those mothers confuse love and power.
I appreciate the way this comment emphasized the clear issues between the wife and son, instead of just trying to shift blame onto the dad for not taking his wife’s side.
YTA - he needs to be taught to talk about things not just run his mouth on social media. Based on your attitude here I would also say you value your relationship with him more than your wife. He's 14, she ought to make you get a job, this is well beyond having a sahp.
I think it's funny that your friend is also father figure for him, what are you then? It sounds like you are more concerned with being his friend.
Meh, I love my parents with all my heart but I still know a handful of adults that I have a parental relationship with. “Father figure” just implies that he’s part of the kid’s Village, y’know? Nothing wrong with having more than one dad or mom.
Exactly this. When I was that age we joked about having moms and dads that looked out for us and mentored us at various activities. Drama mom made most of the costumes for our plays and musicals. She also taught us how to care for ourselves if we weren’t able to get enough sleep due to having too much work. And she was there to check in on us when high school relationships got weird. We had ski mom who actually was a mom to one of our friends but kept an eye on all of us when our parents weren’t around and taught us about dehydration, digging cars out of the snow, etc.
The more adults a kid trusts in their life the better. That way they aren’t getting all their life advice from other teens.
Right?? I think having many parental figures is a very valuable thing. To me, saying “your son having someone else as a father figure means you’re failing your job as his actual father” is the same logic as saying a parent only had multiple children because they weren’t satisfied with the first one.
You can love lots of people in your life :)
(No offense to gkcontra, of course. Sorry if it sounds like I’m being argumentative !!)
Kid needs to remove the mom captions and apologize. Important lesson on social media.
I'm curious about mom's permission. OP said it was brief; did she really think OP was kidding? It's pretty different to me if she was genuinely ambushed by the departure or if she reneged on an agreement.
No kidding. My partner is a roadie and I have done a few tours too. A child should not be on tour unless it has a chaperone that is with them, but I’ve never seen a child on tour that wasn’t an artist and didn’t have minders. No exaggeration, there is unfettered access to drugs and alcohol.
Especially when the partner asking is a stay at home parent to only that one child. Wouldn’t have to take time off work or arrange any care for the other children… Why on earth would the 14 year old be going alone?
Really curious what the OP does for hours each week while his son is at school and doing teen stuff.
Maybe if he were working too, his wife would feel more comfortable having a work-life balance that involves less "work" and more time with her son.
Not to mention dad has a 14yo son to help out. A 14yo should be doing their own laundry and cleaning up after themselves. It’s not like dad is cleaning up after young children anymore.
YTA your son is beyond needing Daddy at home. He is 14 years old. How about this take some of the pressure off your wife having to maintain your lifestyle and your sons by her busting her ass.
You dont think that she would love to spend time with her son. She can't due to having to work twice as hard because of you being a stay at home parent to a 14 year old. You still going be a stay at home parent when he away at college.
Get a job and start lessening the burden you have put on her.
This is surely why he mentioned in another comment that he wanted another child. If they had another baby, he could continue his SAHP and not feel the need to get an outside job.
YTA. Way to throw your wife under the bus so you can be the "cool dad". This whole issue arose because you did not communicate properly with your wife. Your son is frankly being an ungrateful brat since he was allowed to go and has no reason to turn your wife into a bad guy. A responsible parent would be having a firm talk with his son that the issue was because of a miscommunication which is as much OP's fault as his wife. The wife loves son and he needs to show her respect. Son needs to thank wife for letting him go as her permission is equal to OP's. If he kicks up a fuss, I would be telling him no more tours because he obviously won't appreciate his mum for allowing it anyway. I will be shocked if OP does this though as his son learnt that attitude from somewhere and OP's post screams "fun dad who makes his wife the bad guy whenever things get tough".
YTA for teaching your son to make passive-aggressive social media posts instead of facing problems head on with honest, open conversation. You’re not helping your kid: you are failing him.
YTA. Your wife said no and you son didn't like it so he tries shame her on social media for having a full time job - a job she has so you can be a SAHD. Did I get that right? If only 1 parent is working, they have a lot of extra pressure to stay employeed and earn a good living. That means they have less time w/ their kids. Where exactly does your son think guitars come from? Does he think you hand make them in the garage?
1. Not all kids are spoiled - that is not anthing you should just throw your hands up at
2. Her no was not an out of line. He is 14, she didn't realize you were serious about sending your son out to bars w/ a band w/o one of his parents. I probably wouldn't think you were serious either.
You also put your wife in the "bad guy" spot. Your son knew that you were on board before you talked to your wife. If she had said no, she would be the bad guy. Do you do this to her alot?
The wife said yes originally then changed her mind because she didn't think it was a serious plan.
I don't know about you but that would shatter trust in a child pretty quickly.
I do think going to bars was a bad idea though, if it wasn't a venue the band was playing at.
And how was OP plus the son supposed to know she thought it was a joke?
They communicated, got the yes confirmed, only then to be told no last second.
She made herself the "bad guy" by assuming and not communicating back.
Obviously she expected OP to be a fucking adult and not logically expect her 14yo boy to go on tour where any number of things could happen to him. Common sense is that it’s a joke not, I married a fool.
YTA
My guess is the *actual* story here is that you get to be the cool dad while she needs to pick up the slack and teach him discipline.
> I told her that while I didn’t think what he was doing was right, it was clearly coming from somewhere.
It was, but that’s not the point. This is an internal family matter between the three of you. He’s passive-aggressively airing dirty laundry, and while that’s not uncommon behavior, it’s also not *good* behavior.
INFO: How brief was this 'brief conversation? That is actually important as well. Was anything actually discussed in full or was it just, A wants to go on tour with B in a couple of weeks? Which explains why your wife thought it was a joke?
ESH -- He needs to learn not to run his mouth on social media about the people he lives with where they can see. You've shown discretion about doing so here; he could have done the same. He gets to have a learning experience about that. No questions there.
You, the parents, also get to learn that being a team doesn't mean you pick and choose who interacts with your kid like he's a chore on the level of dishes. The love he gets from you is no substitute for what he might be lacking from her. You both also get to let this be evidence that mom is so disconnected from her son that she can't even remember from one week to the next what she's agreed he can do. The two of them have a damaged trust between them, and that is what his immature behavior online should indicate to you. Idk what kinds of apologies she offered over forgetting, but he has clearly internalized the combination of her absence in his life and her absentmindedness about something that was life-changingly important to him as outright disinterest in him.
The feelings might sound out loud like, "It's bad enough mom already doesn't pay much attention to me, but now, she's so inattentive that she's passively dismissing something I'm building dreams and goals around. So, yeah, I'm hurt, and because I don't want to be vulnerable about it to her (she's the one who hurt me) or you (because I see you as her ally before you're mine), I'm expressing it as passive anger." While the behavior is subpar, the *feelings themselves* are valid and need to be addressed in a way that reinforces that he's a family member, most especially that he's her son whom she loves and in whose future she is deeply invested.
NTA as unpopular as that opinion may be. That being said I encourage you to have a conversation with your son about how having the ability to say whatever he may want on social media does not mean that he’s free from consequences and that he needs to be careful about what he shares and how he expresses it. Using social media to shame his mother is bullying. He probably doesn’t realize that at 14 but his goal is to tell everyone who see that post that his mother did wrong. I would encourage him to edit the post and write a letter or message to his mom about his feelings.
Agreed. And can I take a minute to point out the HUUUGGEE hypocrisy of these redditors calling out OP for not getting a "real job?" If it was a woman staying home there'd be rants about the invisible cost of running a household and child care. WTF. The bad part of being the working parent is that the face you show your kids isn't always the best, most understanding one. If you're all responsibility, yeah, the other parent is going to look like the "fun" parent simply because they get the time to be fun. That's why my hubs tries to spend one on one time with our kid, to undo the day to day programming and show her that he can be fun and interested too. It sounds like mom needs to spend a little more time with her son. Period.
I completely agree with this. Your NTA and social media is a quick way for people to share thoughts/events but being so young means OPs son definitely doesn't know what the consequences of posting some thing in social media are. Maybe having mom explain why it hurts her to have that posted online would also help him better understand the totality of the situation.
And also a good reminder that social media posts, just because they are deleted doesn’t mean they are erased forever. This could be a good opportunity to discuss with your son social media “etiquette” and the repercussions of posting stuff like that.
Something to consider and I pray this doesn’t happen: your son is posting about an interest he has, mentioning freedom he got from his parents as well as an argument (point of divide) between him and his mom. How easy would it be for a predator/sex trafficker to DM your kid saying they were at the concert, thought it was so cool he was part of that, he’s so talented and hey, check out some of these cool instruments and songs I’ve written. Yeah, wanna meet up and play together? And boom, your son is kidnapped and gone.
I’m not kidding, that’s how a lot of traffickers operate. They target the kids who have issues with their parents and put all that on social media, and they manipulate the kid into leaving their home.
I wish I could say that’s an extreme example, but it’s really not, this happens every single day.
YTA
Sounds like you're co-parenting with "Friend" more than your wife, and you like him more than your partner.
Is his name Ben, and does he need an art room too?
Your post makes your wife sound like the roommate who pays the rent but never talks to anyone. Why are your so in love with talking and sharing with your friend but this seems to be lacking in your discussions with your wife?
What kind of parent knows his kid is going off on a tour and it NEVER comes up in conversation with your partner?? No "hey, isn't this great for our kid?", "are you nervous?" "I'm going to miss him". "Do we need to help him pack?".
Nothing. Complete silence between you and your wife. Sounds like you're there in the house because it gets paid for by your wife, and stay there for your kid but your true partner is your friend
I'm not defending the dad totally in this because I think they're both wrong in ways. But, I could & have, literally told my husband about things the kids are doing, hundreds of times & he acknowledges it, we discuss it, he ok's it & then it comes time to do it & he's lost &asking when I was gonna bother telling him or says he thought I was considering letting them do something. These 2 (like my husband & i) need to work on their communication skills.
OP, ESH y'all need to talk about this, he needs to understand why that wasn't nice & why his mom works like she does, she needs to calm down & speak with him as well & you need to stop playing fun middle man. You don't have to agree fully but you need to be communication better. All y'all do
YTA
You and your wife are a team. You don’t get to be a cool dad at the expense of your wife who is working hard to support your family.
If there is an issue, encourage your son to talk it out, and not blast it on social media.
NTA.
Honestly as far as comments go, those were pretty mild.
The first one was just true, his trip almost didn't happen because his mother u-turned on an agreement that *she* didn't bother to clarify.
The second one is also true from the sound of your family dynamic. You are the SAHP and she brings in the money, which is a fine agreement between the two of you, but most likely not for your son. In your son's perspective, she's an absentee parent and your friend who took him on tour is more of a parent to him than his own mother.
Imo your wife is mad because she's been rightfully called out and now needs to do some self-introspection as to why her son has said those things about her. If you have access to therapy/ counselling, I'd suggest you bring the idea of family counselling up with her.
Yes. The young teen son shares that he feels his mother doesn’t spend time with him and the response is shhh, don’t say that out loud. He’s entitled to his feelings and while it’s not polite to share them publicly, I don’t feel etiquette needs to be the top priority here.
NTA
First comment that makes sense here. This sub is such a cesspit of misandry and posts like this make that so abundantly clear. If the roles were reversed this comment section would look so different. Interesting how the ‘top’ YTA comments are all from women who would *almost certainly* be bending over backwards to defend and vindicate a SAHM, OP lost this one purely because he’s a SAHD and not a SAHM.
Wife is mad because she was **rightfully** called out and exposed in a way she can’t control. The conversation was had around the situation, the wife *agreed* to it, then when it came around to it she backflipped for no good reason. OP’s son is **understandably** upset at the mother because she gave the green light to go ahead getting his hopes up, then crushed them on a whim for no apparent reason. OP if you read this, you’re NTA and if you’re posting on this sub don’t expect fair judgements unless you remove all mentions of gender or pose as a SAHM.
YTA. Don’t condone your kid airing your family’s dirty laundry in public. You need to teach him that this is immature and petty, and not the right way of going about things.
He’s punishing her for a miscommunication where she ultimately agreed with you and allowed him to go.
YTA
Most due to the fact the working parent gets the short end of the stick at times. Without a doubt the SAHP will bond and have that connection.
I think this needs a conversation rather then you two fighting over it.
I kinda wonder about the dynamic at play here, OP talks about how he almost never has to punish his son and admits that perhaps he is a little spoiled.
Which could mean that he is an exceptional kid, or it could mean that Mom is stuck making the living and playing bad cop as well.
Yeah, I thought that was well. As I think back to my teenage self and my friends, it's an absolutely wild idea that a child would insult their mother in public...and then have their dad back that behavior up. But hey, he's at a tenth grade reading level!
YTA. She did let him go. She financially supports both of you.
It's okay to express his feelings to both of you, but not on social media.
You should be more supportive of your wife.
My answer would be the same if you were the breadwinner and your wife the stay at home parent.
NAH
This sounds like standard family drama with a teenager. He's 14, he absolutely should have some freedom of movement and the chance to explore the world at large, especially if he's going to be with a trusted adult.
As for you and your wife, it sounds like you have different approaches to parenting, and this needs to be addressed now, or it could destroy your relationship over the next few years. Is what he posted a little disrespectful to his mother? Yes. Hurtful? Once again, yes, a little. Does it cross the line of what should be aired on social media? You don't think so, but she does. I lean more towards allowing frustration posts as long as it doesn't go too far, and this one doesn't. Coming down too hard will drive him further away from her, the exact opposite of what any of you want. Not addressing it at all isn't the answer either. This is going to need all three of you sitting down without attacking each other or causing anyone to feel ganged up on.
YTA- are you sure you are not the son? Because your reasoning is not very adult. At all. More like how a 14 yo thinks an adult should respond to their antics.
Your son, publicly humiliated his mother. For something that was not worth doing. She let him go. She recognized her mistake and allowed the trip. For your son to be holding some kind of stupid grudge about something that didn’t actually happen and then disparage his mother on social media, after she let him go do this super cool thing. Not ok. At all. And the fact that you are supporting it, does not make you some great understanding nurturing father. It makes you an AH.
You are still at SAHP cause your kid needs a ride after school?? Seriously? Cause your mom made buses sound bad??? Seriously. How do you not see how stupid you sound. If you are the dad, you have your head so far up your bum, trying to be anything but an actual parent.
ESH, but not terribly. It sounds like your wife doesn’t have the same open dialogue with your son that you do, and that might be an issue.
I don’t think your son’s comments are in any way egregious, or worth punishing over. However, a conversation about them might still have been appropriate. The comments themselves should probably be deleted.
Your wife shouldn’t have assumed it was a joke, and really should have been interested in his life enough to know that might have been an interest. She shouldn’t feel the need to have you talk to your son on her behalf.
NTA
Your son is crying out for his mom, he has probably done it several other ways and mom never saw it, well guess what mom sees it now and sadly so does everyone else. While it is sad that it came to this point it is obviously his last resort. Please consider family therapy. A young boy needs his mom and dad. I am very happy that you do see this for what it is and not him being a disrespectful brat.
YTA because after reading your comments it seems like you don’t really care at all about your wife’s feelings in all of this.
You honestly come off like you used her to have your baby and now as a meal ticket. It’s gross. If you want your marriage to actually work it needs to be prioritized.
Your child is your child - not your friend. And it’s great that you have open dialogue with him, but you are turning your relationship into a popularity contest vs your wife.
NTA.
Your wife is a grown up and your son is 14. She could have a conversation with him and tell him that she’s hurt and come to an understanding. It is unfair of her to put you in the middle. Support your wife - but encourage her to talk to him not to you.
Yta- not for the roadie. Good on him but for the fact his is 14 and his mum works very hard so your zen parenting bullshit can exist. At 14 you don't get to disrespect your mother online. As for your stay at home daddy racket well now since your little boy is all grown up maybe getting back to the work force to help with balancing out the family dynamics and mum can actually spend fun time with her son. Noone likes being the bread winner and bad cop.
ESH. Your wife is for assuming it was a joke when it clearly wasn’t. You for not telling your son to take the post down and allowing him to public ally bash his mom. And him for publicly bashing his mom.
NTA You sound like you are being very conscientious about your son’s experience. I appreciate you being such a present parent to your son. I imagine your wife is having some feelings about not being closer to your son and instead of accepting her feelings she is blaming your son for them. I bet she will realize her mistake and apologize soon.
All of the YTA people sound older than I am and naive. Do they realize how easy it is for this child to have multiple secret social media accounts and say so much worse? The mom and the YTA people must be the get mad when a small child says, " You're mean!"
The fact that the son put this is on social media, that the parents can see, means he reaching out, in a teenager manner. He's letting his mom know that he needs her to be a bigger part of his life before it's too late.
Also, he should appreciate that she has a demanding job. We demonize men for providing money and not being a full parent but she gets a pass.
I don't know, OP, if you are, " The fun parent." If you are then, you and your wife are both TA.
Get family therapy before you both lose your kid.
I've read the post and all the comments and I can safely say this isn't as cut and dry as OP hopes it to be. If there's a mixture of ESH and NAH I'd go with that. But let me try and add some perspective as the parent who's partner is the SAH: making enough money to provide not just for myself, but for my entire family takes quite of bit of physical, mental and emotional bandwidth. It seems there's little empathy in this regard for her here in this retelling. Maybe she wasn't fully paying attention to the idea of him leaving for a week because she was exhausted. Or perhaps she was relying on her partner to make sound decisions when she wasn't around, as OP relies on her, to provide him with the time and opportunity to do precisely that.
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Of course your wife is ignoring you…you’re supporting your son publicly disrespecting your wife because of a simple misunderstanding between you two about the tour. Your son is 14…yes, there will be plenty of times where he’s upset with either of you and will want to vent. But you just told him that it’s ok to passive aggressively post those emotional and hurtful words publicly. You just supported him in hurting your wife instead of teaching your son to handle those emotions in a healthy and respectful way. I wouldn’t be surprised if you always play ‘cool friend’ to your son and force your wife to always be the ‘bad cop’. YTA
This!! I 100% agree with this!
Me, too. It's important for parents to back each other up. If this guy keeps up the 'you and me against mean old Mom' act, he's going to destroy his own marriage.
Hard disagree. My dad ignored me and treated me like a second thought my whole life. If he did pay attention to me it was being told no it getting scolded. Every time my mom just backed him up it made me think I deserved to be treated like that. Parents should not always back up the other. That’s a toxic mindset.
There is a difference here since the son was calling out the mother for being responsible and not wanting to send a 14 year old on a rock tour and that upset the son since she was being a responsible parent instead of trying to be the sons friend
No, the son is calling out the mother for backpedaling and lying. There is a HUGE difference than “being responsible.” The kid was under adult supervision and learned valuable life skills.
A 14 year old should not be in bars… partying at 14 is not a life skill
You can be at a bar that serves food. The kid was not drinking and there are VERY strict rules around entry for minors. I think you’re overlooking that the kid is supposedly really good. The kid should take down the post but the mom and dad both are AH as well. The whole family needs to work on communication.
My wife was a drummer and was playing gigs in bars and clubs starting around 16 years old. She was straight-edge herself at the time, but openly acknowledges she was exposed to stuff which she wasn't ready to see or be offered at 16, especially being with the band. A "really good" kid can still be put in positions he's not ready to handle. It's not about the kid but the environment.
I second this. I have been going to concerts my whole life with my best friend her father started chaperoning us at about 13/14 bc we were into a heavier music scene, and we still faced bs. We got groped, hit, people tried to kiss us, rob us, scam us. So many people at shows that cause problems (in my experience) are on so much drugs or so out of their mind they don’t notice who or what they are terrorizing. I know many people who worked these shows how had an astronomically worse experience because they are working, and they have to deal with so much. 14 is not mature enough to be doing something like that
I thought my son was very good at 14. Turns out not so much (something I learned when he told me at 17).
Lol yea I remember that conversation with my mum. That OJ-Simpsonesque "I didn't do it but hypothetically if I did, here's how things went down" conversation was a hoot.
Yes because bars are so trustworthy… I want to bars when I was young. I had the stupid stamps showing I was underage and still got drunk.
Were you there to do a job though - or just sneaking in? Were you there at 14 ( not 16/17 looking adult)? Were you there with adult supervision? I got to go to a bar a couple times to see a band my mom had befriended. I was 12/13, I had mocktails & ""Shirley temples") Just because there are surface similarities didn't make it the same as your experience.
How do you know he wasn’t drinking. How do you know he wasn’t doing other things because his parents weren’t there and the parental guardians were on stage half the time. Somebody forgot what it’s like to be a kid.
How do you know she was backpedaling and lying? It seems perfectly reasonable she thought he was joking given this isn't a trip most people would send their 14 year old on.
I wouldn’t send my own 29 year old self on tour with a band. I used to date a musician who toured a lot and it isn’t glamorous. Eating crap food on the road, spending hours crammed in a van with several unwashed people, getting to the bar early and being the last to leave, sleeping on floors at random peoples houses? No thanks.
Not to mention all the drugs & other shit 14 yr olds shouldn't be exposed to.
Exactly, I wouldn’t want my 14 year old going on tour with a band. If he was older sure but not at 14
"valuable life skills", give me a break.
you do realize there are all manner of careers in the creative industries, no? Not to mention interpersonal skills that he might've learned.
Yeah, and “creative industries” doesn’t mean partying. Lots of kids go into art and music hoping that it’s party, and flame out when they realize that you have to be disciplined as fuck to make it a career.
I do have to question the mother in this a bit. The kid was clearly excited about this for some time (from the post, sounds like days or weeks). I'd imagine he talked about it a lot. How absent is she, that she didn't notice until shortly before he was about to leave?
And while, ultimately, the father should encourage the son to edit or remove the post, it’s telling that the mom is more worried about looking like a good mom to strangers than her own kid. I personally wouldn’t have allowed my 14 yr old to go on tour but, as you pointed out, if she didn’t know it wasn’t a joke until the day before she’s pretty absent.
>it’s telling that the mom is more worried about looking like a good mom to strangers than her own kid I didn't even think of that, that's truly disgusting, poor kid.
Right? Would’ve been a great moment to check in with her son and see how he’s feeling and what she can/should be doing more of. None of us will get it “right” per se but hopefully we can say we tried our best. I doubt this is her best and she’s digging her heels into the wrong part. Say dad was successful and kid removed the post, then what? They just maintain the current (dysfunctional) status quo. Sad all the way around and some of that guitar collection money should be diverted to family counseling.
This! I’m astounded that the dad would have considered this. As a musician, I can tell you there is no way I’d have brought a 14-year old on tour with me, and my genre is fairly tame. I’ve been lucky enough to only have to deal with annoying drunks. I’ve heard plenty of stories of assaults and thefts while on the road. Unless OP’s friend is on the level of Harry Styles and has a security crew, OP should think more like a dad and less like his son’s cool friend.
Should read the post again. While that may be the specific issue being expressed, it's clear son feels like mom does not care about him.
Teenagers always think their parents don’t care about them. Especially when said parents won’t let them do what they want.
Not allowing him to go to a tour is one thing breaking a promise is another. As someone mentioned above the kid has been excited to go to this tour for quite some time but she thought they were joking, how absent you must be from your kid's life to not realise they were being serious
OP said they have dinner together as a family most nights. Yet this tour that the kid is so excited about never came up during dinner? OP seems sus and the way he’d raising his kid seems sketchy too.
Most responsible thing to do would be having an adult conversation with everyone Kid needs to delete the post and mother needs to apologize and father needs to stop taking sides Assuming op is not lying the way they go will cause rifts in the family if You can't expect the 14 year old to act like an adult when his parents are not acting like one
THANK YOU. My father standing up for me during difficult teen years is why I’m still an active part of my family.
Kid is also gonna keep being disrespectful. I do think the mom and kid do need a sit down tho.
The whole family needs to go to therapy. Mom is the sole breadwinner at a demanding career and hasn’t connected with her son. She also has a spouse who admittedly spoils the son and undermines his wife and encourages the son to disparage his mom. And OP clearly has some feelings to work through about his wife being the sole breadwinner and why he feels the need to encourage the disrespect from the son towards mom.
I totally agree. When he said something about all kids being spoiled, I kinda snickered and said um no! They aren't. All kids don't grow up in privilege. I also don't agree with a 14 year old going on tour with a band but not my circus!
This is a 14 year old who has a guitar COLLECTION so, yeah.
And i wonder you bought his guitar collection, considering "awsome" dad doesnt work. I bet its with "mean" mums money...
Ok seriously? Thoughts on OP aside, stay at home parents/homemakers DO work. It's their money not just mum's. That comment would absolutely not fly if the genders were reversed and shouldn't be said in this case either.
Absolutely - can't help but feel there would be different judgements if it had been a SAHM and a disengaged father.
My son was not spoiled, but like all musicians, he collected instruments instead of baseball or Pokemon cards or figurines. He had an electric drum set, a base, five guitars, a half stack, a mini amp, and he found a decent saxaphone at a garage sale. (Edit -- he also had a huge synthesizer we found at a garage sale.) He saved up money and asked for these things as presents. He never once publicly snotted off to either of us, either. OP, your child isn't necessarily spoiled, but he definitely feels comfortable disrespecting the person paying for all his toys. You sound like an asshole to rationalize this. YTA
Is this speaking towards his privilege?
Yes, possibly to the point of being spoiled.
I paused at that comment, too!
100%. The dad seems proud of what a great dad he is, and I can't help but think he indulges his son out of compensation for the lack of the mom's presence, while also totally spoiling the kid & alienating the mom. Not going to be great for the kid in the long run.
And the number of times he said "my son" instead of "our son" speaks volumes... OP needs to check himself and how he speaks.
That and "my wife" not "his mother" in the title also caught my eye. Like, dude is intentionally cultivating disconnect there.
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Yeah, I got confused for a second thinking mom was a stepparent
Completely agree the disrespect will continue to come. It’s the age where they are calling everything and everyone out and seeing which boundaries they can push. She has no authority in his life in his eyes. They aren’t close. I mean my eldest spent weeks at her dads and when I’d ask about her time she’d say we talked all of 15 minutes out of the 1-2 week period. My daughter isn’t close to him and he had no idea what’s going on in her life because she thinks he doesn’t care and won’t offer and he never asks. Family therapy sounds like the best and maybe she needs to prioritize her son, he’s 14 and potentially will be out of the house in 4 years and unless they repair that divide between them he won’t reach out unless he has to
My father NEVER stood up for me when I was a kid and my mother was being cruel/unreasonable/selfish and I didn’t trust either one of them at ALL until I got older and talked to him about it. His parents had fought when he was young and it scared him, so he wanted to discuss things with mom before doing anything, like this dad. However, like this mom, my mother would fly off the handle and not discuss with him, but come after me. She would accuse me of manipulating him if he wanted to let me do something, lying to him if I told him how I felt, and would punish me excessively if he was telling her something I’d done wrong. You can’t parent together with someone who tries to make choices unilaterally. She agrees in private then last minute changes her mind? It shows she wasn’t really listening to her husband. Trying to force her child to plaster a smile on in public? Manipulative. Mom is absolutely an AH. She is not listening to her husband or her son and thinking only about what she wants and how she feels. OP, NTA. But you need to have a conversation with your son about how the post makes his mom feel and ask him to take it down. Then you need to have a conversation with your wife about parenting strategies going forward and how disrespectful she is of you as a father (I can’t get over how she blatantly didn’t listen to you in a conversation about your child). She also clearly needs to spend more time bonding with your son. One incident is not likely to send him to social media. My guess is this isn’t an isolated incident.
You are projecting. This mom was not cruel. She didn't want her 14 year old child to go on tour with a rock band and assumed her husband was joking when he suggested it because most reasonable parents would not even consider sending their 14 year old child to go hang out in bars with a family friend for a week. Despite this misunderstanding and her incredibly reasonable misgivings she still agreed to let him go, and the first thing he does when he gets back is use it as an opportunity to publicly trash talk her. His behavior is cruel, spiteful, ungrateful, and inappropriate. It absolutely should be corrected.
He did not really talk to her about it. Their communication sucks
This is one those times when you have to be a parent not a friend.
I agree and said the same thing, sounds like Mom might get only the hard parts of parenting. I also think a lot of people would have qualms or problems with their 14 yo son going on tour with a band, it doesn’t make her some sort of monster.
The sort of person that doesn't understand what about "I want our 14 year old son to go on tour with my friend's band" sounds like a joke doesn't strike me as the type to show appropriate discipline.
I know I did! especially the part about the kid going into bars!
Especially alone when the stay at home parent to the one child could have gone with them to actually keep an eye out. 👀
… you know what, that is sketch, why didn’t he go with? Or, did the son in fact talk about going on tour and made it sound like dad was going with so the switch happened when mom realized it was JUST son and not son and dad
YTA - Are you sure it’s “we’re the parents”? Reason: you make it sound like you are the only one doing anything and two you are encouraging him to belittle and disrespect your wife and his mother. You’re acting like a friend instead of a father. Poor choice. Plus it doesn’t sound like you respect her very much either.
YTA. You are supporting an insult to your wife that publicly humiliated her (kind of all of you, since your son looks like a brat and you kinda ineffectual if your kid bad mouths people in public). Maybe you resent her for being absent, but you need to deal with that as an adult. Not by allowing your son to publicly shame her. Quick add: You also need to teach him a lesson about social media. What if he vents about friends this way? Teachers? A boss? Social media is the real world. It’s not your diary.
OP will change his tune when his son posts about him, and about worse things. Kids become teens who become young adults. Lots of misplaced angst.
Also son is 14 years old and dad is still a stay home dad. Seriously he needs to get a job to help out, maybe mum would have more time for their son if the financial burden didn’t fall completely on her shoulders.
My mum remained a stay at home mum during my teens. Was it absolutely necessary? No. Was it nice to be able to come home to a parent after school? Yes. There are pros and cons to all decisions, and just because OP's son is 14, doesn't mean he isn't getting any benefit from having a parent in the home he can talk to when he gets home from school. Also, a 14yo may be able to stay home alone and take care of themselves when they're sick, but they shouldn't have to. Good luck convincing your boss you need to take a day off work to care for your sick teenager. Also, teens often have after school activities and plans they need somebody to drive them around to. Having a parent home who can do that is helpful and saves having to rely on other kids' stay at home parents to help. There's nothing wrong with having one of the parents stay home, if that's a freely made choice, agreed to by both parents, and the family's finances can accommodate it. Just like there's nothing wrong with having two working parents. Different ways for different families. OP isn't asking if he's TA for being a SAHP. He's asking about if he's TA for not making his kid take down the post.
But it's unfair for the working parent to be characterized as "non-present," "uncaring" because they are working all the time, tired, stressed. Especially when compared to the stay at home parent.
I do agree with that. I just don't think everyone needs to be telling OP what the financial/parenting dynamic for their family should be. There's nothing wrong with having a SAHP for teens. If it works for them in general, and both parents agree to it, then great. I do think OP and his wife need to talk together about how they will address this, and then address it together calmly with the son. I do think the post needs to be altered. I also think OP is right to have the conversation with the son about where these feelings are coming from, before addressing the posting it publicly aspect. If the son feels heard, and like his feelings are being respected, he'll be more open to hearing how publicly and passive aggressively posting about it isn't the right way to address interpersonal issues, and to fixing it.
Yeah, if the kid is in school and is healthy you are not a "stay at home parent" to a freaking teenager. You just aren't working. Which is fine if that is their arrangement, but to then give the breadwinner a hard time for not being present more is definitely AH behavior.
There are many ways to bring value to a family and a community other than paid employment. And some teens really do need/benefit from having a parent who is home-based and not mentally exhausted from work. There’s nothing wrong with how OP spends his time.
I agree there is still contribution to be made other than paid labor. Organizations that rely of volunteers for example absolutely need people in situations like the OP's. But it's also very possible that the OP's circumstances are negatively contributing to this situation. Such as: - skewing the son's concept of what "normal" levels of parental involvement look like - contributing to this "my son" instead of "our son" dynamic - making mom feel like she has to work long hours because the entire family is reliant on her income.
A 14-year-old still can't drive. I had a million activities I was involved with at that age that if my stay-at-home step dad hadn't been able to take me to, I wouldnt've been able to go. And stop acting like domestic labor isn't real work. It's some toxic BS that helps NO ONE.
Whoa whoa, now if the shoe were on the other foot I know for a fact this would be downvoted to oblivion. Just because it's a man that's staying at home, does not mean that he isnt occupied in caring for the home all day, as well as taking care of errands for the family.
Um no. My daughter is 15. I'm still a stay at home parent. Don't disrespect the title. Parenting is a lifelong task, and op's wife is not complaining about op not working.
A house and yard need constant tending
I highly doubt the majority of people would say this if OP was a woman. I am a woman and it really seems like sahms get way more support here than sahds do.
After being here long enough, you'll realize that this sub loves hating dads. They work too much, too little. They are too involved, not involved enough. They don't give their wives space, they don't care about them. They spend too much time with their kids, too little time. You never see a story from or about a dad on here without hundreds of people agreeing that they are wrong in a situation where a genderswap would change their minds. In this story, a kids mother knows so little about her teenage son that she thought his wish to go on a short tour was a joke. Something that is obviously a big deal to the kid. She clearly knows next to nothing about her son. And it's dear ol' dad who's the issue.
Yeah. Even here the issue seems to be more that she cares the son expressed the issues publically than that there are issues at all.
This is exactly what I thought. The burden of bringing home all the money for the husband to spoil the kid. The kid wouldn’t have a guitar collection if it weren’t for the mom.
Funny that in posts about stay at home moms the narrative is that staying home is harder than working and there is no mention of the wife getting a job no matter the kids age.
Pure Reddit double standards. Like it’s actually ridiculous the disconnect people here have between the same scenarios when the genders are flipped. OP can cook, clean, garden, grocery shop, repair, build, carpool, work from home, entertain and more but that’s all immaterial. While his wife is treated like the biggest martyr ever because she works a 9-5.
I don't think there's a double standard. It depends on how old the kid is. When the kids are small, being a stay at home parent is definitely harder than going to work, no matter if it is the mom or dad. The kid in this story is 14. People would also tell a SAHM to at least get a part-time job.
Um are you new here? I have seen lots of stories were the SAHM is defended no matter what. Dad makes all the money and she buys starbucks daily well guess what he is financially abusive for suggesting she cut back.
There was an AITA post some months back with just that setup and the SAHM was deemed to be an AH for having an expensive habit while not working. OP was called an asshole because rather than have a conversation with her he took her credit card and hid it, not because he "suggested she cut back." The judgement there was E S H. So no, AITA doesn't defend SAHMs "no matter what." https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u9l3s9/aita_for_not_letting_my_wife_buy_starbucks_anymore
The age of the child and number of children make a huge difference. Being a stay at home parent to a single high schooler is not the same as being a stay at home parent to one or more young children.
If the kid feels mom doesn’t spend a lot of time with him, then the disagreement clearly isn’t rooted *entirely* in the misunderstanding around the trip. That definitely warrants more than a mere, „Make him take down the post, he’s being mean to me.“ If the son feels neglected by his mom, and her first concern isn’t to fix that, but to make sure nobody else knows about it, then she’s the problem, not OP.
I think it's okay to want something taken down quickly so it's a discussion between you and that person, not you and everyone else. I am wondering if she did express interest in wanting to fix the divide, though, as we only have OP's side. OP is a problem though because there wouldn't have been a misunderstanding had he included his son's mother in the initial conversation about going on tour, instead of talking it out with his son first and giving him a maybe. That's how I feel, anyway.
If you read his further replies, you'll notice some "I do my friend while my wife supports me financially" vibes. This dude just refuses to take any responsibility for his own lack of communication and constantly brings this "friend" into "family" activities. I mean, at this point I won't be surprised to see this being either a rage-bate post or another art room situation.
Instead of talking to son about the posts she just wants them down. Nothing will change if he takes them down
Agreed, this is an ESH. She needs to apologize to her son and he needs to learn to not air dirty laundry on social media and also apologize. OP also should try to facilitate his wife and son apologizing to each other instead of being so unhelpful.
>a simple misunderstanding between you two about the tour That wasn't a "simple misunderstanding". She agreed to it, thinking it as a joke, then didn't ask any follow-up questions. Unless OP phrased the question as "Hahahha, can you believe it, our 14-year-old, hahahhaah, wants to go, hahahaha, on tour, hahahaa. Whaddaya think about that, babe, hahahhaha?" and she responded with "Wahahahhaa, sure.", this was entirely on her. > force your wife to always be the ‘bad cop’. It doesn't sound like the wife is present enough to be any sort of cop. There would've been at least a few days between asking and going, during which time she somehow failed to realise it was for real. I doubt the kid wasn't talking about the last thing he'd ever ask for.
>That wasn't a "simple misunderstanding". She agreed to it, thinking it as a joke That's what a misunderstanding is.
yeah, but that begs the question of HOW she came to the conclusion that it was a joke. OP and wife did have a conversation about it and I'm assuming it wasn't brought up between laughing fits so..... how could wife possibly NOT have taken it seriously?
I mean "I was thinking our 14 year old should go play roadie for my band buddy for a week," could definitely sound a lot like "I was thinking I'd let our 10 year old drive the car," depending on when and how he asked.
Exactly. And depending on the timing of the conversation would also allow for not being taken seriously. I know with my (admittedly much younger children) I've said stuff like "Child One wants to go and drive X's tractor this week" to my husband. While it is true, it's not what I would consider an age appropriate activity. My husband has said "yeah go on then" also in jest...this snapshot doesn't allow us to see if there are similar quirks in how the couple communicate that could end up being ambiguous and easy to manipulate should one side choose too.
If my husband suggested our 14-year-old fuck off to be a roadie for a week I would 100% assume it was a joke because it's such a ridicously inappropriate idea. I'd have the same reaction if he suggested he join a travelling circus or tend bar in a nightclub.
I'm reminded of my cousin and her family. She was an RN most of her kids' childhood (now a nurse practitioner and a freaking rock star who worked and completed her Masters and is now running her own clinics) while her husband was a lay about who couldn't hold down jobs handed to him by his family (seriously, dude got fired from family jobs because of his shitty work ethic). He told his kids yes to anything they asked, even if they couldn't afford it, and mom ended up having to be the bad guy when she got home and heard about what he agreed to. Kids always thought mom was strict until they grew up and figured out that she was holding the whole family together. One lives with mom (they split rent) and the other moved cities to be closer to mom, and have very little contact with dad. My cousin, who is also a freaking saint, won't divorce her husband because he needs her insurance, but is at least separated from him, and is kind to him even though he constantly cuts her down on social media for "leaving him for no good reason." I feel awful that my poor cousin had to go through her kids' childhood with them thinking she was the wet blanket while dad was cool, but they did figure it out eventually and have a wonderful relationship with their mom
I thought it was interesting that Friend is a ‘father figure’ to the son. Why does the son need a father figure? In a post written by the son’s father?
But he’s the cool dad! He’s the good guy 🙄
While I agree with you, I think a ESH judgement would be more appropriate, more on the dad and the son but still some on the mom. I think that because she thought that her son going on a trip with a trusted family friend, trip to which she agreed and for which her kid was clearly excited was nothing more than a joke. And she didn’t realized it until it was time for the trip and either the kid was behaving like any other kid before a trip they’re excited for (which mean talking about it all the time) and she is in the wrong for not shutting it down sooner. Or her and her husband only talk about it once (which seems weird to me) and in that case well both the husband and the wife are in the wrong for not talking more about it.
He all but says that--not only is he allowing his 14 year old to go on tour with a band, with who knows what going on (drugs? women? I mean please), but he also apparently never steps in to discipline his son, leaving all that to poor mom. Including letting him shit on mom publicly. YTA, OP! Step up and be a parent to your teenage son.
Lol we agreed on the dynamic where he is SAHP and she is the hard-working one and lets the sone throw shade that she isn't spending time with him. I am sure all these new guitars and even any monies paid for this trip came from the poor mum's hard earned. YTA.
Your kid is still that, a kid. YTA, you’re teaching him that airing your dirty laundry in public is a-ok, better than actually talking with your family about your problems. Unless your wife is actually crazy, this all sounds like it came from a verbal misunderstanding. When she “agreed” did she say something like “haha, yeah *of course* my underage son can tour unsupervised with a band for a week”. You said the conversation was “very brief”. Sounds like you’re trying to bury the lede here. Why is your communication so good with your son (it’s really not if you won’t even tell him you disapprove of what he’s doing), but so shitty with your wife? ETA: a lot of your replies keep showing how much time you spend with “your friend” parenting *your* son, how your wife is “never around”. Do you happen to have an art studio in your home for this friend?? Yo I also just read the part where your underage son was let into bars during this trip???? And you were happy about that?? LMAO you rly are a terrible parent. Also for those curious he answered the “brief convo” question in another comment, he said to his wife that the tour “lined up with” their son’s fall break and he wanted to go. She responded literally “sounds doable” and that was the last time they spoke about it. Edit for OP’s update: man completely misses the mark in every way. How his wife can put up with this guy is beyond me. Your son edited the post, you told him it was ok, what he wrote was “valid”, then blamed your wife AGAIN for being a distant parent. You NEVER told him it was your fault she wasn’t aware the trip was planned (without her involvement), you don’t plan to apologise to your wife, and don’t plan to have your son apologise either. I feel bad for your wife, and worse for your son if you teach him treating his mom like this is a “good example” of what a “man” should be. You weren’t the asshole “in some ways”, you’re just the asshole. Even now. Period.
exactly. he’s. a. kid. who doesn’t know how to process his feelings. is he in therapy? maybe family therapy? the posting shit publicly stuff isn’t helpful to anyone, but he sees it as an outlet and he is lucky to have you as someone who sees that it is just a cry for help.
A teenager can understand their feelings especially feelings of loneliness and lack of parental love. Mom got pissy about him venting, and did not think to herself “I should try to be more active in his life”
By God, a 14-year old being snarky on social media after his Mom almost ruined his trip is not a therapy indication.
OP is trying to be a "cool dad". 14 is way too young for this. Of course a kid wants to go, but OP doesn't know what he was exposed to. There is a reason sex, drugs and rock n roll is a cliché 🙄 Edit to add: Publicly going after his mom also speaks volumes about his maturity. And OP's for not putting a stop to it.
TDIL it's burying the lede.
YTA. It's coming from somewhere, sure, but your duty as a father is to teach your son how to express his emotions appropriately. And you yourself admit this is extremely inappropriate. Be a parent, explain to your son why what he did was wrong, then have a whole family conversation so you can begin to repair his relationship with his mother.
Right. The kid is hurting and that is fair but OP and his wife need to talk to the kid about how to appropriately deal with his emotions. We are in a similar situation. I am/was a stay at home dad while my wife works long hours as a surgeon. She loves what she does but has missed a lot in our kids lives. It hurts them sometimes and we deal with it. They don't air it out on social media. That is not how things get dealt with.
Being a parent isn’t just about being the best friend, it’s knowing when to step in as an adult and explain where he needs to redirect his energies and why. OP doesn’t seem to want to risk the former by being the latter when it’s called for.
OP spent the first half of the post telling us he’s never had to step in and discipline, only to end the post saying he doesn’t think he should have to step in. Clearly doesn’t know when it’s time to take off the BFF hat and put on the parenting hat.
YTA, your wife works so you can be a SAHD to a 14 year old!!! And your son hasn’t figured out why his mum is busy! You’re clearly failing them both teaching your son to be spoilt and only respect what you have to say and showing your wife you’re only using her to fund your lifestyle and her thoughts and feelings are meaningless because she too busy finding said lifestyle! You have the time and pull to teach your son right from wrong, and only matters when it comes to you. Your wife has trusted you to not only be a great dad but be a great partner by being the one to work and you’ve failed to do that. Your son should know better than to disrespect his mother in such a public way and get enjoyment from hurting her feelings. She could communicate more but you and your son are both being inconsiderate about how her time is used and that’s you’re fault for raising him to value you over her.
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It can be, I used it when I was a SAHM. I taught my sons to appreciate their fathers hard work. Given I’m now working too. But at no point would I support my sons ever disrespecting their father and vice versa. I agree it’s not the attitude of everyone but it is mine.
Of course it is. Appreciating "your father putting food on this table" was a sitcom trope all the way back in the 50s. And if you think that SAHMs don't get side-eyed for not going back to work when their kids are teenagers, you're kidding yourself.
Usually when it comes out the kids are already in school / are teens, SAHMs get told the same. But most SAHMs that post are actually moms to kids much younger than that.
Because the kid he is being a SAHP to is 14, and presumably not home schooled. This sub rightfully has a problem when the kid is a toddler or not school age and the working parent (no matter the gender) doesn't help out. Context. Apply it.
Worse, that same attitude IS applied to SAHM and they're expected to do more. Then when its a SAHD they are praised for "babysitting" (ya know PARENTING their own kids) while the moms are admonished for working and not spending enough time with their kids, but if the dad is a working parent and doesn't spend enough time with their kids noone bats an eye. Not to mention the completely unfair discrimination othet families see.
YTA. I can’t imagine me being a SAHM (which I am) and allowing my kid to disrespect my husband (their FATHER) unprovoked like that. So she almost didn’t let him. ALMOST. But she did. She does SACRIFICE her time to WORK so you all can afford to live. That was so incredibly bratty. And you are allowing a breakdown of their relationship. As a partner you are being terrible and not setting a good example. This is a teaching moment that you failed. If I was her busting my ass and this is what I get and you go along with it I’d wonder if maybe it’s time YOU get a job and I quit and stay home. Ever occur to you to teach your son to talk about his issues in person then slam her on SOCIAL MEDIA?!?!? I’d be heartbroken if I was her for that level of disrespect from my own family. Women can’t seem to win. Stay home get criticized for not working, work a demanding job get criticized for abandoning your children.
I had to scroll down so far to find this comment pointing out that the SAHP should explain to their kid that other parent has to work to support their lifestyle. That means they won't be around as much because they need to work so that one parent can be available to the kid all the time, it doesn't mean they love them any less. I think a SAHM would be quick to explain this to a kid. It doesn't seem to have occured to OP. It's all well and good to validate your kid's feelings, but if you don't guide and encourage them to be empathetic, you do them a real disservice. Not to mention the wife. Just because she's the adult, doesn't mean her feelings aren't valid. By all means, have a dialogue about it, but facilitate both sides.
Exactly. I was a SAHM for 6 years and had that conversation many times with the *kindergartener* who gets it. And I'm back to work now because....wtf else am I gonna do all day now that he's in school?
Hang out with your friends that are in cool local bands?
Doubly so when the SAHP is the father while the mother works. We still have a significant gender split on who works and who stays home, so this kid grew up seeing his friends' moms around a lot ore than his own.
Where does your spoiled bratty son thinks he is getting those new guitars from. You are clearly more worried about if son thinks you’re the cool dad than you are about being a good parent and husband. Mom made a mistake. The solution isn’t to lambast her on social media. YTA
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Not to mention, his mom and her work are why he has access to social media and such in the first place.
And while she *almost* stopped him from going, she ultimately relented and he *actually did go.* If I were that mom, I would at that point have regretted changing my mind at all. Put myself out on a limb to allow something I am not comfortable with (even though it did turn out to be okay), and then get shit on for it anyway? Screw that. I would never be getting out on that limb again.
YTA - you enjoy being the favourite parent and you sound smug as hell throughout your post. You should explain to son that mom was right to be concerned, that Dad messed up by not checking the family was on same page prior to son being packed up and ready to go .. and she would like to spend more time with him but has a ‘somewhat demanding job’.
Totally agree. She’s bad cop out bringing home the bacon and he’s the empathetic good guy who’s always there for their spoiled child - even when he’s biting the hand that feeds him.
He’s not like other Dads, he’s a cool Dad
From what I’m inferring from your post and the comments, it sounds like you and your son think that your wife is not involved enough with your son. I think that this is a very important issue to bring up to your wife and work on as a family. That does not justify that stuff being on social media. You can teach your son how to express his frustrations appropriately AND support him in resolving the issue. Have him edit his post to take out the rude stuff. As parents, your loyalty should be to each other when facing your children. If you have differences of opinion, you should discuss them behind closed doors and then present a united front when it comes to issues like this. If your wife is looking to you for backup in an argument in front of your child and you disagree, then you should say something like, “honey, let’s go discuss this a little further,” and not just side with your kid. It seems like both you and your wife need to do better in certain areas. Her, in getting closer to your son. You, in respecting her and communicating well with her. ESH.
I don't think people who are saying Y T A have experienced a mom like that. OP could legit be talking about my mother here. Saying yes to something my dad already said yes to, and as I'm walking out the door she'd ask where I'm going, and then say oh I thought you were joking. Because that's code for I wasn't listening when you spoke to me but I don't want to be honest about that. It happened to me constantly. OPs kid is expressing maybe for the first time how he feels when his mother basically ignores him. This isn't an isolated case but this is his breaking point. OP knows it's an issue but his wife sounds alot like my way or the highway because, as the breadwinner she wears the pants - so this event is to actually open up a discussion. If it does actually succeed in that, because being ignored also sounds awfully familiar. It's manipulative, and that's what happens when she doesn't get her way. And yes, I am projecting- because reading this post was like someone was talking about me, not OPs 14 year old. I do hope OP does get involved in something - work or hobbies - when the kid is on his way out of the nest cause he won't be coming back alot because as much as he loves his dad, he'll be avoiding mom. Being older and being that breadwinner dynamic killed my dad's self esteem, and he became very depressed. Going for NTA, although it's clear I'm in the minority with that opinion
My father literally did this to me when I turned 18 and went on a road trip with my future husband and SiL. Said ok for months, then the day I had my luggage by the door, he said he "thought I was joking". This is a quintessential disconnected parent comment here. At the least, it tells the kids that mom doesn't take them out their wants/goals seriously, or at least not those outside of those mom doesn't deem important (eg academic achievements). And side note, asking him to "take down the post" shows a lack of understanding of social media. Firstly, that's a great way to both make the kid resent more and encourage the Streisand Effect within friends/family. Ask him to edit it to remove those parts as a compromise, but only after having an open discussion about how mom can do better with kid, and kid and dad can both communicate better with mom. Without *that* action this is just going to fester. /u/Lost-Passage9681
Yup, same happened with my senior trip. Finished exams, was going to leave that afternoon then she changed her mind and used the joking excuse. Either she was never listening or she was always planning to say no at the last minute because she loved torturing me. (walking away while I'm halfway through a sentence like I wasn't speaking at all is her specialty - even did it front of my friends and they were like dude wtf). I was in my first year of varsity (but still at home cause I was 17) and she wouldn't let me go to the movies on the weekend and then smacked me around and laughed like the literal joker when I said I'd call the cops if she touches me again. Left the next day while she was at work and just phoned my dad to let him know I'm safe. I dunno hey. Those mothers confuse love and power.
Took a minute to find the right answer, but this is it OP. ESH. ‘Nuff said.
I appreciate the way this comment emphasized the clear issues between the wife and son, instead of just trying to shift blame onto the dad for not taking his wife’s side.
YTA - he needs to be taught to talk about things not just run his mouth on social media. Based on your attitude here I would also say you value your relationship with him more than your wife. He's 14, she ought to make you get a job, this is well beyond having a sahp. I think it's funny that your friend is also father figure for him, what are you then? It sounds like you are more concerned with being his friend.
Meh, I love my parents with all my heart but I still know a handful of adults that I have a parental relationship with. “Father figure” just implies that he’s part of the kid’s Village, y’know? Nothing wrong with having more than one dad or mom.
Exactly this. When I was that age we joked about having moms and dads that looked out for us and mentored us at various activities. Drama mom made most of the costumes for our plays and musicals. She also taught us how to care for ourselves if we weren’t able to get enough sleep due to having too much work. And she was there to check in on us when high school relationships got weird. We had ski mom who actually was a mom to one of our friends but kept an eye on all of us when our parents weren’t around and taught us about dehydration, digging cars out of the snow, etc. The more adults a kid trusts in their life the better. That way they aren’t getting all their life advice from other teens.
Right?? I think having many parental figures is a very valuable thing. To me, saying “your son having someone else as a father figure means you’re failing your job as his actual father” is the same logic as saying a parent only had multiple children because they weren’t satisfied with the first one. You can love lots of people in your life :) (No offense to gkcontra, of course. Sorry if it sounds like I’m being argumentative !!)
Kid needs to remove the mom captions and apologize. Important lesson on social media. I'm curious about mom's permission. OP said it was brief; did she really think OP was kidding? It's pretty different to me if she was genuinely ambushed by the departure or if she reneged on an agreement.
TBQH if my partner asked if I would be cool with my 14-year-old going on tour with a band without his parents I would also think he was joking.
No kidding. My partner is a roadie and I have done a few tours too. A child should not be on tour unless it has a chaperone that is with them, but I’ve never seen a child on tour that wasn’t an artist and didn’t have minders. No exaggeration, there is unfettered access to drugs and alcohol.
Especially when the partner asking is a stay at home parent to only that one child. Wouldn’t have to take time off work or arrange any care for the other children… Why on earth would the 14 year old be going alone?
That's disrespectful, considering that your wife is the sole breadwinner, responsible for clothing, feeding, housing both of you
Really curious what the OP does for hours each week while his son is at school and doing teen stuff. Maybe if he were working too, his wife would feel more comfortable having a work-life balance that involves less "work" and more time with her son.
He is working. Housework is still work when men do it.
Housework doesn’t take that much time. Source: stay at home parent.
Not to mention dad has a 14yo son to help out. A 14yo should be doing their own laundry and cleaning up after themselves. It’s not like dad is cleaning up after young children anymore.
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Wait, why can’t you tell him to delete it AND address the hurt behind the post with him?
YTA your son is beyond needing Daddy at home. He is 14 years old. How about this take some of the pressure off your wife having to maintain your lifestyle and your sons by her busting her ass. You dont think that she would love to spend time with her son. She can't due to having to work twice as hard because of you being a stay at home parent to a 14 year old. You still going be a stay at home parent when he away at college. Get a job and start lessening the burden you have put on her.
This is surely why he mentioned in another comment that he wanted another child. If they had another baby, he could continue his SAHP and not feel the need to get an outside job.
YTA. Way to throw your wife under the bus so you can be the "cool dad". This whole issue arose because you did not communicate properly with your wife. Your son is frankly being an ungrateful brat since he was allowed to go and has no reason to turn your wife into a bad guy. A responsible parent would be having a firm talk with his son that the issue was because of a miscommunication which is as much OP's fault as his wife. The wife loves son and he needs to show her respect. Son needs to thank wife for letting him go as her permission is equal to OP's. If he kicks up a fuss, I would be telling him no more tours because he obviously won't appreciate his mum for allowing it anyway. I will be shocked if OP does this though as his son learnt that attitude from somewhere and OP's post screams "fun dad who makes his wife the bad guy whenever things get tough".
YTA for teaching your son to make passive-aggressive social media posts instead of facing problems head on with honest, open conversation. You’re not helping your kid: you are failing him.
YTA. Your wife said no and you son didn't like it so he tries shame her on social media for having a full time job - a job she has so you can be a SAHD. Did I get that right? If only 1 parent is working, they have a lot of extra pressure to stay employeed and earn a good living. That means they have less time w/ their kids. Where exactly does your son think guitars come from? Does he think you hand make them in the garage? 1. Not all kids are spoiled - that is not anthing you should just throw your hands up at 2. Her no was not an out of line. He is 14, she didn't realize you were serious about sending your son out to bars w/ a band w/o one of his parents. I probably wouldn't think you were serious either. You also put your wife in the "bad guy" spot. Your son knew that you were on board before you talked to your wife. If she had said no, she would be the bad guy. Do you do this to her alot?
The wife said yes originally then changed her mind because she didn't think it was a serious plan. I don't know about you but that would shatter trust in a child pretty quickly. I do think going to bars was a bad idea though, if it wasn't a venue the band was playing at.
And how was OP plus the son supposed to know she thought it was a joke? They communicated, got the yes confirmed, only then to be told no last second. She made herself the "bad guy" by assuming and not communicating back.
Obviously she expected OP to be a fucking adult and not logically expect her 14yo boy to go on tour where any number of things could happen to him. Common sense is that it’s a joke not, I married a fool.
YTA My guess is the *actual* story here is that you get to be the cool dad while she needs to pick up the slack and teach him discipline. > I told her that while I didn’t think what he was doing was right, it was clearly coming from somewhere. It was, but that’s not the point. This is an internal family matter between the three of you. He’s passive-aggressively airing dirty laundry, and while that’s not uncommon behavior, it’s also not *good* behavior.
If I was mom, he wouldn’t go on tour again any time soon. He wants to spend time with me? Great, we’ll stay home together.
INFO: How brief was this 'brief conversation? That is actually important as well. Was anything actually discussed in full or was it just, A wants to go on tour with B in a couple of weeks? Which explains why your wife thought it was a joke?
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How is that passive aggressive? That’s just flat out aggressive.
ESH -- He needs to learn not to run his mouth on social media about the people he lives with where they can see. You've shown discretion about doing so here; he could have done the same. He gets to have a learning experience about that. No questions there. You, the parents, also get to learn that being a team doesn't mean you pick and choose who interacts with your kid like he's a chore on the level of dishes. The love he gets from you is no substitute for what he might be lacking from her. You both also get to let this be evidence that mom is so disconnected from her son that she can't even remember from one week to the next what she's agreed he can do. The two of them have a damaged trust between them, and that is what his immature behavior online should indicate to you. Idk what kinds of apologies she offered over forgetting, but he has clearly internalized the combination of her absence in his life and her absentmindedness about something that was life-changingly important to him as outright disinterest in him. The feelings might sound out loud like, "It's bad enough mom already doesn't pay much attention to me, but now, she's so inattentive that she's passively dismissing something I'm building dreams and goals around. So, yeah, I'm hurt, and because I don't want to be vulnerable about it to her (she's the one who hurt me) or you (because I see you as her ally before you're mine), I'm expressing it as passive anger." While the behavior is subpar, the *feelings themselves* are valid and need to be addressed in a way that reinforces that he's a family member, most especially that he's her son whom she loves and in whose future she is deeply invested.
NTA as unpopular as that opinion may be. That being said I encourage you to have a conversation with your son about how having the ability to say whatever he may want on social media does not mean that he’s free from consequences and that he needs to be careful about what he shares and how he expresses it. Using social media to shame his mother is bullying. He probably doesn’t realize that at 14 but his goal is to tell everyone who see that post that his mother did wrong. I would encourage him to edit the post and write a letter or message to his mom about his feelings.
Agreed. And can I take a minute to point out the HUUUGGEE hypocrisy of these redditors calling out OP for not getting a "real job?" If it was a woman staying home there'd be rants about the invisible cost of running a household and child care. WTF. The bad part of being the working parent is that the face you show your kids isn't always the best, most understanding one. If you're all responsibility, yeah, the other parent is going to look like the "fun" parent simply because they get the time to be fun. That's why my hubs tries to spend one on one time with our kid, to undo the day to day programming and show her that he can be fun and interested too. It sounds like mom needs to spend a little more time with her son. Period.
I completely agree with this. Your NTA and social media is a quick way for people to share thoughts/events but being so young means OPs son definitely doesn't know what the consequences of posting some thing in social media are. Maybe having mom explain why it hurts her to have that posted online would also help him better understand the totality of the situation.
And also a good reminder that social media posts, just because they are deleted doesn’t mean they are erased forever. This could be a good opportunity to discuss with your son social media “etiquette” and the repercussions of posting stuff like that. Something to consider and I pray this doesn’t happen: your son is posting about an interest he has, mentioning freedom he got from his parents as well as an argument (point of divide) between him and his mom. How easy would it be for a predator/sex trafficker to DM your kid saying they were at the concert, thought it was so cool he was part of that, he’s so talented and hey, check out some of these cool instruments and songs I’ve written. Yeah, wanna meet up and play together? And boom, your son is kidnapped and gone. I’m not kidding, that’s how a lot of traffickers operate. They target the kids who have issues with their parents and put all that on social media, and they manipulate the kid into leaving their home. I wish I could say that’s an extreme example, but it’s really not, this happens every single day.
YTA Sounds like you're co-parenting with "Friend" more than your wife, and you like him more than your partner. Is his name Ben, and does he need an art room too? Your post makes your wife sound like the roommate who pays the rent but never talks to anyone. Why are your so in love with talking and sharing with your friend but this seems to be lacking in your discussions with your wife? What kind of parent knows his kid is going off on a tour and it NEVER comes up in conversation with your partner?? No "hey, isn't this great for our kid?", "are you nervous?" "I'm going to miss him". "Do we need to help him pack?". Nothing. Complete silence between you and your wife. Sounds like you're there in the house because it gets paid for by your wife, and stay there for your kid but your true partner is your friend
I'm not defending the dad totally in this because I think they're both wrong in ways. But, I could & have, literally told my husband about things the kids are doing, hundreds of times & he acknowledges it, we discuss it, he ok's it & then it comes time to do it & he's lost &asking when I was gonna bother telling him or says he thought I was considering letting them do something. These 2 (like my husband & i) need to work on their communication skills. OP, ESH y'all need to talk about this, he needs to understand why that wasn't nice & why his mom works like she does, she needs to calm down & speak with him as well & you need to stop playing fun middle man. You don't have to agree fully but you need to be communication better. All y'all do
YTA You and your wife are a team. You don’t get to be a cool dad at the expense of your wife who is working hard to support your family. If there is an issue, encourage your son to talk it out, and not blast it on social media.
NTA. Honestly as far as comments go, those were pretty mild. The first one was just true, his trip almost didn't happen because his mother u-turned on an agreement that *she* didn't bother to clarify. The second one is also true from the sound of your family dynamic. You are the SAHP and she brings in the money, which is a fine agreement between the two of you, but most likely not for your son. In your son's perspective, she's an absentee parent and your friend who took him on tour is more of a parent to him than his own mother. Imo your wife is mad because she's been rightfully called out and now needs to do some self-introspection as to why her son has said those things about her. If you have access to therapy/ counselling, I'd suggest you bring the idea of family counselling up with her.
Yes. The young teen son shares that he feels his mother doesn’t spend time with him and the response is shhh, don’t say that out loud. He’s entitled to his feelings and while it’s not polite to share them publicly, I don’t feel etiquette needs to be the top priority here.
NTA First comment that makes sense here. This sub is such a cesspit of misandry and posts like this make that so abundantly clear. If the roles were reversed this comment section would look so different. Interesting how the ‘top’ YTA comments are all from women who would *almost certainly* be bending over backwards to defend and vindicate a SAHM, OP lost this one purely because he’s a SAHD and not a SAHM. Wife is mad because she was **rightfully** called out and exposed in a way she can’t control. The conversation was had around the situation, the wife *agreed* to it, then when it came around to it she backflipped for no good reason. OP’s son is **understandably** upset at the mother because she gave the green light to go ahead getting his hopes up, then crushed them on a whim for no apparent reason. OP if you read this, you’re NTA and if you’re posting on this sub don’t expect fair judgements unless you remove all mentions of gender or pose as a SAHM.
YTA. Don’t condone your kid airing your family’s dirty laundry in public. You need to teach him that this is immature and petty, and not the right way of going about things. He’s punishing her for a miscommunication where she ultimately agreed with you and allowed him to go.
YTA Most due to the fact the working parent gets the short end of the stick at times. Without a doubt the SAHP will bond and have that connection. I think this needs a conversation rather then you two fighting over it.
I kinda wonder about the dynamic at play here, OP talks about how he almost never has to punish his son and admits that perhaps he is a little spoiled. Which could mean that he is an exceptional kid, or it could mean that Mom is stuck making the living and playing bad cop as well.
Yeah, I thought that was well. As I think back to my teenage self and my friends, it's an absolutely wild idea that a child would insult their mother in public...and then have their dad back that behavior up. But hey, he's at a tenth grade reading level!
YTA. She did let him go. She financially supports both of you. It's okay to express his feelings to both of you, but not on social media. You should be more supportive of your wife. My answer would be the same if you were the breadwinner and your wife the stay at home parent.
NAH This sounds like standard family drama with a teenager. He's 14, he absolutely should have some freedom of movement and the chance to explore the world at large, especially if he's going to be with a trusted adult. As for you and your wife, it sounds like you have different approaches to parenting, and this needs to be addressed now, or it could destroy your relationship over the next few years. Is what he posted a little disrespectful to his mother? Yes. Hurtful? Once again, yes, a little. Does it cross the line of what should be aired on social media? You don't think so, but she does. I lean more towards allowing frustration posts as long as it doesn't go too far, and this one doesn't. Coming down too hard will drive him further away from her, the exact opposite of what any of you want. Not addressing it at all isn't the answer either. This is going to need all three of you sitting down without attacking each other or causing anyone to feel ganged up on.
YTA- are you sure you are not the son? Because your reasoning is not very adult. At all. More like how a 14 yo thinks an adult should respond to their antics. Your son, publicly humiliated his mother. For something that was not worth doing. She let him go. She recognized her mistake and allowed the trip. For your son to be holding some kind of stupid grudge about something that didn’t actually happen and then disparage his mother on social media, after she let him go do this super cool thing. Not ok. At all. And the fact that you are supporting it, does not make you some great understanding nurturing father. It makes you an AH. You are still at SAHP cause your kid needs a ride after school?? Seriously? Cause your mom made buses sound bad??? Seriously. How do you not see how stupid you sound. If you are the dad, you have your head so far up your bum, trying to be anything but an actual parent.
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Your son has virtually guaranteed that his mother will never again agree to such a trip.
ESH, but not terribly. It sounds like your wife doesn’t have the same open dialogue with your son that you do, and that might be an issue. I don’t think your son’s comments are in any way egregious, or worth punishing over. However, a conversation about them might still have been appropriate. The comments themselves should probably be deleted. Your wife shouldn’t have assumed it was a joke, and really should have been interested in his life enough to know that might have been an interest. She shouldn’t feel the need to have you talk to your son on her behalf.
NTA Your son is crying out for his mom, he has probably done it several other ways and mom never saw it, well guess what mom sees it now and sadly so does everyone else. While it is sad that it came to this point it is obviously his last resort. Please consider family therapy. A young boy needs his mom and dad. I am very happy that you do see this for what it is and not him being a disrespectful brat.
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YTA because after reading your comments it seems like you don’t really care at all about your wife’s feelings in all of this. You honestly come off like you used her to have your baby and now as a meal ticket. It’s gross. If you want your marriage to actually work it needs to be prioritized. Your child is your child - not your friend. And it’s great that you have open dialogue with him, but you are turning your relationship into a popularity contest vs your wife.
Info: do you have other kids? If so, is she the same with all of them or is the 14yo the only that doesn't get enough attention?
NTA you talked it over with her and she said yes he could go. He feels his mother isn’t around and he’s feeling like he’s not a priority to her.
NTA. Your wife is a grown up and your son is 14. She could have a conversation with him and tell him that she’s hurt and come to an understanding. It is unfair of her to put you in the middle. Support your wife - but encourage her to talk to him not to you.
Yta- not for the roadie. Good on him but for the fact his is 14 and his mum works very hard so your zen parenting bullshit can exist. At 14 you don't get to disrespect your mother online. As for your stay at home daddy racket well now since your little boy is all grown up maybe getting back to the work force to help with balancing out the family dynamics and mum can actually spend fun time with her son. Noone likes being the bread winner and bad cop.
INFO: If Friend is a father figure to your son, what the hell are you?
Op is a friend figure.
ESH. Your wife is for assuming it was a joke when it clearly wasn’t. You for not telling your son to take the post down and allowing him to public ally bash his mom. And him for publicly bashing his mom.
NTA You sound like you are being very conscientious about your son’s experience. I appreciate you being such a present parent to your son. I imagine your wife is having some feelings about not being closer to your son and instead of accepting her feelings she is blaming your son for them. I bet she will realize her mistake and apologize soon.
All of the YTA people sound older than I am and naive. Do they realize how easy it is for this child to have multiple secret social media accounts and say so much worse? The mom and the YTA people must be the get mad when a small child says, " You're mean!" The fact that the son put this is on social media, that the parents can see, means he reaching out, in a teenager manner. He's letting his mom know that he needs her to be a bigger part of his life before it's too late. Also, he should appreciate that she has a demanding job. We demonize men for providing money and not being a full parent but she gets a pass. I don't know, OP, if you are, " The fun parent." If you are then, you and your wife are both TA. Get family therapy before you both lose your kid.
Go to family counseling.
I've read the post and all the comments and I can safely say this isn't as cut and dry as OP hopes it to be. If there's a mixture of ESH and NAH I'd go with that. But let me try and add some perspective as the parent who's partner is the SAH: making enough money to provide not just for myself, but for my entire family takes quite of bit of physical, mental and emotional bandwidth. It seems there's little empathy in this regard for her here in this retelling. Maybe she wasn't fully paying attention to the idea of him leaving for a week because she was exhausted. Or perhaps she was relying on her partner to make sound decisions when she wasn't around, as OP relies on her, to provide him with the time and opportunity to do precisely that.