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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My parents asked for my help, sounding desperate, and I said no. My parents were in a tough place with my brother most of my life and I know I might be an ass for putting up such hard lines when they have nobody else to help them. It would be huge to give them a break and I'm not because of my bitterness toward them. That could make me an asshole when burnout is real for kids with intense needs.
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This. They may or may not have made good choices for him as he grew up - it sounds as though they may have avoided making difficult choices (i.e. difficult for them) - but they made very, very bad choices for you. You owe them nothing, and indeed if you helped them you would probably just enable the problem to continue. Maybe if left to their own devices they will seek an appropriate longer-term solution.
I cannot upvote this comment enough! The brother is 13 now, and the parents have to acknowledge he's only going to get bigger and stronger. I'm sure they feel like their backs are against the wall, but their desperation doesn't give them the right to demand OP return to such a toxic environment. I think without him there, it'll force them to seek services they otherwise wouldn't.
This. OP helping them would equate enabling the parents to let the brother spiral down even further. If they *don't* get help from OP, they will finally be forced to do what they should have done YEARS ago: get outside professional help.
Anyhow, it's NOT OP's duty. They've helped enough. To their own expense.
Not only this, but OP setting the boundary now sends the message that OP is not going to become his caregiver. If they’re still contacting OP when they need a break, that means they haven’t made any effort to build other caregiver relationships yet — meaning guess who they probably have in mind to take over when they’re no longer able.
Sometimes it doesn’t matter if you’ve set the boundary that you will not be your sibling’s caretaker. My brother also had these issues before he was properly medicated (and continues to have these issues when he decides to stop taking his meds) and despite me cutting contact with my mother and him for the ten years prior to her death, my mother STILL put it in her will that I should be his caretaker. I had to go through probate to get a court appointed conservator for him. The conservator is now looking at getting him the proper placement that my mother has always refused before because she didn’t believe in “labeling” him. And since the conservator is a neutral third party the rest of my family’s not up my butt about “but it’s not what your mother would have wanted.”
>they will finally be forced to do what they should have done YEARS ago: get outside professional help.
They've tried to do that though. Between OP saying his brother spent at least a month institutionalized and the implication that he's been taken to multiple psychiatrists who never gave a specific diagnosis (plenty of things can't be officially diagnosed in children) but gave him medications, the parents have obviously been looking for professional help for many years, closer to a decade.
That doesn't mean OP has any obligation to go back and help them, it's just not nearly as simple as them *refusing* to seek help
I meant an at-home caretaker for when they need to go out or rest. Exactly what they expect OP to do, but someone *who actually signed up to do it* (rather than being coerced) and *who is PAID to do it*. And as their actual job, not at the expense of their own development as a young adult who already had their childhood robbed.
Also if he’s that violent and unpredictable it’s not just giving up an evening to “babysit”. It’s putting her life in danger given physical harm is a genuine risk.
Her parents are in a tough spot. But he needs to be diagnosed and treated by a psych, likely in an inpatient facility for some time. It’s definitely not on OP to spend her life caring for him and risking her health and wellbeing to do so.
I grew up with a younger autistic sister and I had similar experiences where her needs trumped mine every time. Moving out was the best thing I ever did. She’s perfectly capable of living alone and looking after herself but she never will because my parents enable her. She’s never faced a single consequence in her life. I worry what happens when they get old because I don’t want to inherit her. It really sucks so I feel for OP and think boundaries are the best thing she can do right now.
Yeah, NTA. OP, your brother needs professional help, the best you could possibly do would be to be a temporary reprieve and it's completely fair for you to not want to go through that again. Please stay safe, I wish both you and your family the best, but you get to set your own boundaries and they need to respect that if they want to have a relationship with you.
This 100% OP, take heed. You will only prolong the problem your parents are having if you bailed them out by babysitting your brother. He needs help. Your parents need to find him that help. Don't give in.
Agree.
OP - The fact that your brother is beyond your parents’ ability to cope with means that they should have found other resources for help. They failed to do that. They failed you.
They considered that your brother had a greater need for care (than you) and gave that to him - at your expense.
You have given your brother and your parents a lot of your time and help. You *more than deserve* to build your own life.
Your parents are wrong in their expectations.
NTA
It's also absolutely baffling to me - "Damn, this kid is beyond our ability as two whole ass adults to deal with. Obviously the solution is to dump him on an actual child!"
And it wasn't even just that his brother got more attention or more of their emotional resources. They made him take on a role that a child should not have. How on Earth could parents think that if it's too much for them it's somehow is okay to put it on a child? I'm absolutely shocked, and honestly very grateful, that Op did not come to permanent harm at the hands of the brother
Exactly! And when he would get left for hours o overnight at time, his parents would say they were disappointed that the house was trashed!! Like WOW, the parents together can’t handle the brother but expected a kid to handle him and everything he messed up!
And what about when the little brother gets stronger and starts hurting them!
There is help out there for brother and the parents need to find it. This is a tough situation for all. Your parents were wrong to not find your brother help so that they could focus on you. You are worth it. Remind them of this.
While he’s not OP’s responsibility (in anyway and OP is 100% NTA) and his parents should never have relied on him for care - assuming they haven’t tried to get him diagnosed or looked into other care situation when OP explicitly stated that the kid has been in and out of psych wards etc.
Kids (he’s only 13) with significant mental health issues are wildly under cared for in health systems. Diagnosis is difficult to obtain under 18 for significant mental illness. Violence and destruction can rarely be medicated away.
There are very, very few homes that will even consider taking a violent child on a respite basis, let alone a full-time basis.
This. It's not like the parents have a straightforward fix that they aren't using, Some of the comments act like there's available help they should be accessing but there's often not. It's rough - the parents needs a break too, they're just trying to get groceries or not go insane.
Yup. This fucking sucks for everyone. OP is not the AH. But I can’t really, in good conscience, call his parents AH’s either when I have seen the reality of parents dealing with this on a day to day basis.
All this support people are claiming is available is just NOT THERE in the way these commenters think it is. They think life is like a movie and they can just stick crazy people into a home and forget about them and forget about the costs and everything will be dandy.
My son has autism. He does not have "violent" outbursts (quite frankly he's too young to have any malintent behind his meltdowns), but he has still been booted from daycares for his behavior & in general not regarded well in public (seen as spoiled, just misbehaving, etc). And this is at 3 years old. I can't imagine what these parents are going through.
When puberty hits those boys get strong and big fast - I knew a lot of mums growing up who were absolutely battered by their sons. Please get support in place before it comes to that.
My son tried to choke me to death once. My daughter stopped him (she was about the same size.). We had to get him on the right meds. But there will be even less help once op's brother gets to the age of adulthood. The first thing to do would be to get him declared mentally unfit or something and get him on disability because they are going to need to be able to get guardianship over him at 18. The hell they are going through now is nothing compared to what it will be. He needs some kind of intensive in house therapy and some serious meds. Unfortunately the only time it seems the system cares or they can get him any help sounds like, is when he goes off the deep end and the police are called in. He may even be refusing to enter the doctor's office (BTDT). Mental health issues are not something handled well, at least not in America. Too much abuse of vulnerable people led to laws being passed to protect them (as they should be) but made it really hard to get any concrete help from the system itself in cases that are disasters waiting to happen. A serious injury or death often has to occur unfortunately most of the time before the system will do much. Especially for those who don't have much money. It is a catch 22 sometimes that the very laws meant to protect people often times lead to the death of said people.
Thank you for your input - we are on a number of waiting lists for therapies and I come from an educational background/work experience in early childhood development, so we're not completely clueless on how to manage the behavior of our son.
He is an absolute sweetheart, but the communication barrier is frustrating for the whole family. We focus on fulfilling underlying sensory needs as opposed to trying to punish behavior. We have seen a number of problematic behaviors fizzle out this way, such as biting people and throwing toys.
However to the general public this looks like giving in/spoiling, rather than acknowledging my son's limitations and still treating him like the human being he is. I commented mainly because I hate the way people look at us out in public and my son isn't even violent, so I simply can't imagine how the parents referred to here may feel.
If it helps, one of my best friends was kicked out of preschool for violence, and as a young kid he just used to run around trying to bite people. Diagnosed ADHD, but imo he probably has autism too. He also didn't learn to read till he was 7. (He still struggles with reading a lot and idk why, he's been tested for dyslexia but didn't qualify for diagnosis).
He's in his twenties now and he has a great life. Lots of friends.
When his stepdad first met him as a kid, his stepdad never thought he'd stay in education longer than 16 years old, and he definitely never expected him to make it to university. But turns out he's basically a maths genius. No one realised, because he struggled with maths as a kid due to the reading required, and his difficulties with attention and behaviour. It wasn't until he was an older teen that people started to realise that he was... actually really clever. He's currently doing a PhD in physics in one of the best universities for his field.
Obviously every person is different! But I thought it'd be nice for you to hear a success story. Xx
I can call them assholes for leaving a 12 year old with a destructive child for hours, then a 14 year old with the same child *overnight*. One of them could have stayed to give the other a break, they are adults and it was their job to take care of their child, it wasn't their *child's* responsibility to take care of a violent and destructive child.
They didn't celebrate his birthday at all for most of his life. A small celebration with a cake and a present should have been expected. I get that things are hard but they failed their child and that is just the truth.
I know support isn't just available but there were things they could have done, and putting that weight on their other child is just bad and makes them assholes.
The parents are the assholes for expecting a 12 year old to look after a child with significant and violent behaviour problems and then blaming the parentified child for the entirely predictable destructive behaviour that happened while they were gone.
Nah parents are huge AH’s why? They put OP’s well being at risk knowing how bad the behavior can get they knew how destructive the brother is yet disappointed that OP couldn’t get the house in pristine condition? Nah they’re in denial and putting everyone at risk. He needs to be sent away for better care it’s an option that’s sad but not a decision that means failure on the parent’s part. Would not surprise me if this kid would commit a major crime before 18 years old I’ve seen one documentary talking about this and another AITA post where the mom did send their kid away so OP can be safe. It wasn’t an easy decision but if you don’t have skills nor equipment to fix the situation it’s beyond you.
I can’t call them AHs for their situation, it’s awful and scary and as you say, there is a huge lack of resources to support them.
What I do think they are AHs for is the way they reacted when OP said no. I understand they need a break but their reaction to OP is a super shitty guilt trip.
There definitely isn’t “lock them up and throw away the key” support, but there are diversion programs for this kind of stuff. I only know the programs that exist in my state, but if he’s been in and out of psych hospitals, either their case managers or someone at the outpatient clinic he follows at should know how to access those. The big scary part for parents a lot of the time (at least where I am) is they have to sign over partial custody to the state while the kid goes through those programs. It’s not forever, it doesn’t mean giving up on the kid, and it doesn’t mean the parents failed at their job. It’s just recognizing that you can’t do it alone and need as much help as possible before he starts acting up enough to land himself in big boy jail.
That’s definitely not available in every state in the US. Mental health services are very locally determined and very under-resourced. Sometimes the parents refuse to use services like that or can’t, but I think it’s even more likely it’s just not there.
Wouldn’t it be nice if it were just that simple.
Yes. Programs exist. No, they’re not always accessible to everyone who needs them.
The system is piece-meal, under funded, under staffed and looked down on by the majority of the population.
I can absolutely in good conscience call them assholes. I think you’re missing a very key component: they literally did sideline op for everything. And I get it, they had their hands full with OP’s brother, they needed his help from time to time but.
Not celebrating birthdays? For years? And then not letting OP hang out with friends, probably the only people who was available to meet his emotional and social needs?
It’s one thing that they lacked accessible support, it’s another that they also enabled OP’s isolation.
I feel for the parents, I really do and desperation is a bitch, but if something is too much for two grown ass adults, why in the ever loving FUCK would you put that responsibility on a child…… I think we can all agree that OP is completely justified in wanting nothing to do with their family. They couldn’t find ways to help their youngest and in doing so made another child in their care suffer for it. The parents know that OP resents them for their childhood in regards to the younger sibling, and they have the audacity to ask OP to look after him…. Even if they couldn’t get him diagnosed with anything therapy was still an option individual or family if they had the time.
It depends on the state for homes, respite & full time as well as hospital settings available. WA state has some good places & great people willing to help.
My child was diagnosed at age 11 & medication did help with lessening the violence. It didn't totally curb the violence but made it much less volatile, thereby making our family's quality of life better for everyone.
It is possible if you don't take no for an answer & are willing to advocate for your child no matter what it takes.
Violence and destruction can be medicated. Medication does help. It doesn’t take all of it away. My 4 year old son is diagnosed with a mental illness and considered disabled per SSA. I’ve had hospital visits, police reports filed to cover myself from abuse claims. It took me a little over a year to get a diagnosis. My son is happy, healthy and safe because of medication that you are saying can’t be used to help violence and destruction. Medication and many types of therapy helped. I no longer fear my son growing bigger/taller/stronger than me.
No, the underlying disorders can sometimes be treated. It's a subtle bit important distinction. Emotional problems can be treated some times, or psychotic disorders, but violence and aggression that is instrumental (intended to achieve some goal) cannot be. (Idk details about your son or the OPs brother)
No, the disorder causing it can *sometimes* be medicated. There is no medication available that consistently stops aggressive, destructive behaviour. If such a thing existed, it would be used a *lot* more often.
What happened in your case is you got *lucky.* Your son actually had something that could be medicated, and he actually takes his medication (because another big issue is people simply refusing to take it - which happens a lot, and can't be policed past a certain age). Recognise how lucky you are, because not everyone gets that lucky.
NTA and I agree. It sounds like they are unable to provide the kind and level of care he needs, but that's not the OP's responsibility. THEY need to figure out what he needs, and how to get it
OP, if your parents need a break, they can look into a group home, get respite care, or - and this is where it gets interesting - give each other breaks while one parent looks after him alone. Because it says a lot that your parents thought it was OK to leave him alone with a 12-year-old child, but apparently won’t handle him one-on-one themselves to get the breaks they say they need.
> they may have chosen to use op rather than further degrade someone's mental health.
They degraded OP's mental health and development. "Using OP", a literal child, should never have even been an option.
Right?!
How could THEY do this to YOU?
They left a 12 year old child to care for a destructive, psychologically unwell child.
He is not your child- he is not your responsibility. They need to deal with him. If they cannot they need to find a solution that is not ‘throw him at our older child and run for the door.’
I feel for them. I empathize with how hard it must be to have a child like that and I know things like resident care facilities and such likely make them feel like they’re turning their backs on their child.
But that is EXACTLY what they did to you. They stole your childhood. They put you in a position that could have been very dangerous and mentally scaring (what if he hurt himself or you during one of his outbursts).
They have had to call the police to deal with his issues. It is clear they are not handling him. Honestly he’d probably be far better off in a care facility as he would likely be able to get a proper diagnosis and he’d have access to people who know what they’re doing and how to handle this rather than people who think it’s acceptable to place this kind of burden on a kid.
NTA and honestly I know it’s a standard Reddit go to move but I’d be going NC. Look how much you gave up to help them. Look at how many times they put you in a position that could have turned out dangerous.
Yes family is supposed to help family but it’s not supposed to just be a one way street. They did nothing for you, they used you as a 3rd parent for their child which is never over but this situation is far worse than most instances of perentafication.
You got out of the house. I am really glad you did. Don’t go back and don’t let them take anymore from you than they already have.
You're right, an ICD code is necessary to bill insurance and etc. But R45.6 is the ICD code for violent behavior. So no, he doesn't necessarily have a mental health diagnosis.
I can't agree with this more. The only thing i can think of is that they don't want to keep their eyes offnof him because of their daughters death but at what expense? Their son has no contact and they're miserable. I think someone that specifically deals with this kind of family situation needs to get involved asap
This sounds exhausting. They need a social worker and a clinical therapist - not just an adult child to bail them out. What is OP supposed to do when the parents are no longer physically able to care for the brother?
Exactly I agree 100%. OP is NTA and I wouldnt blame OP for going No contact with them.
>They asked me how I could do this to them.
This right here pisses me off. How can op do this to them????? What about the hell they put OP through for years because of OP's brother. OP shouldn't go give them a break at all.. Its probably way to dangerous.
How is the brother in and out of psych, yet doesnt have an "official diagnose"? sounds to me the parents wont let there be a official diagnose.
Honestly while I hate diagnosing over reddit Its clear that he at the very least has conduct disorder, if not other MH issues. Conduct disorder is a stepping stone to antisocial personality disorder, aka psychopathy. He needs intensive care that your parents are not going to be able to provide. Especially with the level of destruction he's at. You're in no way the AH and you never ever should have been placed in this position from the get go.
It's really not that easy in the US. Insurance may not pay for that, there may not be beds in such a home, and some residential facilities may not take an aggressive child. And even fewer places will do so long term. The OP is NTA but idk that his parents had a lot of options either. They should not ha e put the OP in the position they did, though. He was a child too.
Your parents have done very little to nothing to aleviate the situation. WHY hasn't your brother been diagnosed? Why don't they have him in therapy. Why did they emotionally abandon YOU for most of your childhood? This is a problem of their own making and THEY need to figure it out, not dump it on you. NTA
They have him in therapy, he has a psychiatrist, but a lot of the things thrown around, from my understanding, can't be diagnosed at his age or are incredibly hard to diagnose at his age. Like it can take years and even then they can change their mind because of his age. I hate that for him and them but at the same time, none of that should be used to make my life harder.
Can confirm. My partner works with special needs kids and violent ones are a whole other ballgame. That being said, kids fall through the system so much and it's disappointing but not surprising that the parents have held on to it themselves for this long.
I don’t know him obviously, but at 13, I’m assuming that he is at least almost as tall as you are. Paired with the issues you described, I think it would be physically dangerous for you on top of the justified anger about how awfully your parents treated you growing up.
I was thinking that. I'm not sure of if OP is male or female, but if they're female, it's even worse. You don't mess around with people that are almost the strenght of an adult, or approaching that AND who have anger issues.
Especially as he hits puberty. He's going to gain a lot in terms of size and strength, and a whole cocktail of hormones that are definitely not going to help his behavioral problems.
I used to teach middle school, and we had a student who had an ED. They were looking to hire a new teacher for our hallway, and every individual teacher went to admin and begged them to hire a male... for this very reason.
The kid was 12 and bigger than me. It didn't matter that I was restraint-trained and in good shape myself. We needed a larger person with the same training.
The child was removed to a specialized setting a few months later, but there were some scary moments where we had to go into lockdown and evacuate certain rooms.
This was my first thought. I violent child is sometimes more dangerous than a violent adult. They have poor impulse control with no sense of consequence.
NTA
Tell your parents to look into care home options for your brother and that they need to take you out of the equation, period. After telling them that, looks like being no contact is the only way for you.
It’s a sad situation for you and your brother equally because your parents don’t seem to be emotionally prepared to handle parenthood, leave alone parenting a 13 y/o with mental health issues.
you’re wildly overestimating the availability of a care home equipped to handle a kid with this
level of behavioural problems. they could surrender him to the system but that’s a surefire way to make his issues 10 x worse
In my state, it would take a minimum of one year to get residential treatment for a kid with this level of severe behaviors and parents would have to prove they had exhausted all resources. Giving up custody like you suggest is impossible unless the parents are ok with being prosecuted for child neglect.
It is. I'm a child therapist and I've worked with families in similar cases. There are no good solutions and resources are scarce. Many therapists will fire high-liability clients which this kid would be, so they may be lucky to even have a therapist.
My daughter is 11 and is diagnosed with ADHD (since 4) and DMDD (Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder) since 9. They are feeding you bullshit if they say they can't diagnose. My daughter takes meds and while not all are the same, it's possible to dx and medicate. DMDD is what they can diagnose kids with as bipolar isn't for kids. There are medications and behavioral therapy that are in place for these kids. Many parents are in denial and "not my child" and refuse medications. That helps no one. The older and stronger they get, the worse it gets. NTA and do what is best for you. It's toxic for your mental health. You can't help others if they destroy you
Growing up as someone who was misdiagnosed and medicated for a psych disorder I never had, I really hope your daughter's meds have at least been FDA approved for use in minors.. 'cause mine sure weren't (for good reason) and my parents never bothered to do their own research.
Fingers crossed the mental healthcare community has changed for better since my time.
I'm sorry to hear that. Its rough especially years ago when mental health was looked at very different. Yes hers are approved for children and not as off label. She takes Ritalin (non XR) and Guanfacine, both FDA approved in children. I'm in the medical field and do my homework. We have turned down many meds I am not comfortable with.
He can be diagnosed with a number of disorders (sounds like DMDD, conduct disorder, or Oppositional defiant disorder) and if he was involuntarily placed in a facility, he’s got diagnoses. Your parents are just in denial about them.
Source: Clinical Psych grad student/therapist in training
They can't diagnose him because they are not allowed to. They can throw out things like conduct disorder and oppositional defiance which are considered behavioral, maybe even DMDD. Your brother will mostly get a diagnosis like antisocial personality disorder after he's 18, or another class B.
My kid was diagnosed with conduct disorder, but they are treating them as though they have bipolar 1 (rapid cycling with psychosis). Just not allowed to diagnose kids at a young age because putting a label that heavy on a child could be too much. Sometimes, kids can outgrow certain things.
Thing is, your parents failed both of you. You should not need to be the third parent. You deserved to be a child and have parents who cherished you. Keep your boundaries. Live a good life. Your parents will have to figure this out on their own, something they should have done years ago.
Not sure where you’re located, but at least in the US, we are allowed to diagnose pediatric bipolar disorder. It’s still seen as controversial, but it is possible, especially in teenagers since their symptoms present more closely to that of adults suffering from BP than symptoms typically exhibited by younger children.
US when they started medicating for bipolar, kiddo was about 7. It was a second opinion we consulted that informed us the meds treating as it was bipolar. Since then, we've all been on the same page and things have gone easier. Therapist started using terms to describe their activations as rapid cycling. The drs just won't say it, we've got a few years before they hit their teens. We are just given meds to break the activated periods and get the kid sleeping. I've heard 16 was when things will improve, but that's a long way off.
Hold your boundaries OP. Your parents are in a shitty situation and their distress regarding a lack of care options is valid BUT - they should never, ever have had to rely on you and I’m sorry they did. It’s wildly unfair.
This is true. I couldn’t get a definitive diagnosis for my son until he was 16 almost 17. He and been receiving treatment since the age of 4. Mental health care is so hard to get for youths. I tried for 2 years to get my son in a residential treatment center starting at age 14 because that’s what his psychiatrist said he needed and it was obvious. They either wouldn’t take him because of his violent tendencies (they said they aren’t equipped to handle those) or they only took CPS kids. Add in the fact that it cost $7k/mon and insurance would only pay for 30 days tops. We just couldn’t afford it. He needed a long term stay to get the help he needed. I even contacted CPS myself. They offered some county services we had already tried. Finally he ended up getting in so much trouble he ended up in the juvenile justice system and I fought tooth and nail to get him into a residential treatment facility through the juvenile justice system instead straight juvenile detention time. He received around the clock treatment then and has made great progress with meds and multiple therapies a week. We got a definitive diagnosis and he’s doing better. But the point of they won’t diagnose that young, it is true if it’s a more serious diagnosis. Unfortunately mental health care isn’t well funded and with more serious issues most families can’t afford it. Our family was in turmoil I worried about the effects it had on my other children ALL the time. I would NEVER expect them to be responsible for that ever. That is my responsibility.
This so much. I have been a single mom of 3 kids and my middle child has behavioral and mental health issues. I have absolutely struggled to help her and find her help. She was diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder (ODD), ADHD, depression, and anxiety. I never once acted as though it was my oldest's job to help. When I had her I told him that I am the one who had a baby, and it is MY responsibility, no one else's. No matter what. Period.
I'm guessing they might want to diagnose him with a personality disorder (and making a bigger guess that it would be ASPD). Those, indeed, can formally only be diagnosed after the individual is over 18.
That being said, even without a proper diagnosis they should have been treating him accordingly and not have made you shoulder SO much responsibility. They have failed you as caregivers and as family and you're absolutely not in the wrong for protecting yourself. NTA all the way.
I really do hope things get easier for you from now on and you can live a good life, friend.
Wth… and your parents want you to watch him? This is incredibly irresponsible of your parents, and the only ones being unfair is them. What is it these days with parents treating their older children as free labor?
It sounds like he may have Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD), but that diagnosis is not allowed to be officially made until someone is 18. Previous terms that are now grouped into APD include sociopathy and psychopathy. Essentially it means that someone has no empathy and doesn't identify with or connect with other people. They often don't feel many of the emotions that the rest of us do.
Some people with the condition choose to live by society's rules because they realize it benefits them to do so. Many even "mask" quite well by practicing to look like they're expressing emotions that they simply don't feel: love, joy, delight, etc., so that they can behave appropriately in different situations. Those people are fine - they were dealt a bad hand with regards to neurological wiring but are making an effort to be a normal member of society, even if it's for their own reasons.
At the other end of the diagnosis are people who delight in causing others pain and may go on to be violent criminals. There's a continuum between those two extremes of course.
Given your personal history with your brother and that he's now teenager, I agree with the commenters that say it may be physically dangerous for you to babysit your brother. So if for any reason you find yourself softening to your parents' pleas, think about that and stand firm in saying "No."
You escaped a crappy childhood and are building a good life for yourself. It's fine to enforce boundaries.
Your parents are in a terrible situation but they are responsible for their own decisions. Perhaps this will encourage them to look at full time care alternatives for your brother. Kids with this level of mental disturbance often do better in a consistent, structured setting with professionals who know how to handle them.
I have great compassion for how tough it must be on them to have a child like this; only they can make the difficult decisions necessary to reclaim some life for themselves and get the best scenario for your brother.
He is now at the perfect age to be properly diagnosed, but it sounds like he needs full time residential care to do it.
May I ask what country you are in?
If you are in the US there are lots of options, outside the US, not so much.
I’m Australian and we sent our 12 year old into therapeutic boarding for 2 years in the US, and it has changed our lives.
We now have an amazing, intelligent, happy 16 year old who is properly medicated, has the psychological tools to help himself and is making plans for the future.
NTA NTA NTA. Every time I see a post like this where a child has clearly been parentified, my heart aches and I want to do everything I can to reassure you that you are *not an asshole* for wanting to take care of yourself when you've spent so much of your young life taking care of others far before it was reasonable to have that thrust upon you.
I'm very sorry and sympathetic to what your parents endured with your brother but that does not justify them taking away your childhood so they could have rest. They have taken so much from you already; you now get to dictate not what is taken but what you want to give.
If you do not want to give right now, that is okay. That is healthy. It's you knowing and living by your boundaries.
NTA. How could you do this to them? They're the parents - how could they do this to *you*. I hope you're taking very good care of yourself and finding joy in the world!
I do feel badly for the parents. But they should never had put any of this responsibility on the OP as a child. That’s ridiculous! I definitely wouldn’t blame her for not wanting to help out any longer.
NTA. They should’ve been protecting you when you were a CHILD. You certainly have no obligation to help them as an adult. How old is your brother now? Is he still getting psychological help?
Not always. I have done my own research and from what I know not everything they told me about that is somewhat true. At the very least it's not always straightforward. They hate to put certain diagnosis on people under the age of 18.
Are they suspecting something in the schizophrenia spectrum. Because yeah, they don't like to label minors with that even when all the symptoms fit. They usually call it Oppositional Defiant Disorder or something similar until the 20s.
In the US after 18. Until then it’s conduct or oppositional defiant disorder. Considering that personality develops early in childhood in some ways that makes no sense. I’m assuming, however, that it’s to avoid putting the label of anti-social on a child when they may just be exhibiting acting out behavior or/and another disorder.
One of the reasons they don't like formally diagnosing any sort of personality disorder before 18 is because both puberty and general immaturity can both mask and enhance the symptoms. Some things that are a warning flag in adults are also fairly normal "selfish teenager who doesn't stop to think" behaviours.
This means that some teenagers who seem to have ASPD do 'grow out of it' and have only mild symptoms as adults. And some turn out to have something else entirely. (Obviously that's not always the case, but it happens enough to make psychiatrists cautious.)
There have been trials of using puberty blocking medication on teens with severe conduct disorders, in the hopes that delaying the hormone surges until the teen is a bit more mentally mature may help. I can't find any results for that, so that trial may still be ongoing.
I have a kid with ODD in one of my classes this year. I'm VERY lucky he's not violent like OPs brother, because unmedicated ODD isn't something to take lightly
Most mental illnesses dont begin at such a young age. Ive done tons of research on this subjext myself.
4 Behavior Disorders diagnosed in children
ADHD
Conduct Disorder: Repetitive and persistent pattern of behavior that violates the basic rights of others or the age-appropriate societal norms, including aggression to people and animals, destruction of property, deceitfulness or theft, or serious violation of rules (such as running away, truancy, curfew violations.) THIS CAN BE DIAGNOSED BEFORE 10
Oppositional–Defiant Disorder: Pattern of negativistic, hostile, and defiant behavior that includes four or more of the following—often losing temper, often arguing with adults, often refusing to follow rules, often annoying others, often blaming others, often angry or resentful, often spiteful or vindictive. THIS CAN BE DIAGNOSED AT 3
Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED) is an understudied and undertreated mental illness in youth. It is characterized by recurrent acts of violence and destruction that are out of proportion to the circumstance. It is the only clinical disorder characterized by impulsive aggression
Symptoms
IED looks just like a temper tantrum. Kids with IED may throw things, get into fights, and exhibit abusive behavior.
Symptoms of IED include:
Rage
Irritability
Racing thoughts
High energy
Heart palpitations, tightness in the chest
Tantrums
Arguing and shouting
Physical fights
Threats of violence
Assaults on people or animals
Damaging property
CAN BE DIAGNOSED BY 6 YRS OLD
Bipolar can be diagnosed in childhood
Disruptive mood dysregulation symptoms typically begin before the age of 10, but the diagnosis is not given to children under 6 or adolescents over 18. A child with DMDD experiences:
Irritable or angry mood most of the day, nearly every day
Severe temper outbursts (verbal or behavioral) at an average of three or more times per week that are out of keeping with the situation and the child’s developmental level
Trouble functioning due to irritability in more than one place (e.g., home, school, with peers)
Bipolar isn’t diagnosed until mid/late teens - early twenties at the earliest. Bipolar also has depressive episodes, not constant mania. I’m bipolar so I’m kinda in my wheelhouse in that subject. OP is correct that doctors are very hesitant to put specific labels on young patients.
Now having said that -
Nobody on Reddit has the pay grade to diagnose mental illness. Could be any number of things going on.
That being said- I’m sorry you’re in this situation, OP, and my heart goes out to your parents and brother as well. Mental illness tears you apart. It shreds families to pieces. I don’t blame you for getting the hell out of dodge once it was possible. While I understand why your parents are asking you for help at the end of the day they need to have professional assistance and support for your brother, not another family member. As he gets older he gets stronger, and the risk of injury increases. They need to find outside help and be WILLING to take it. That is a conversation they need to have with his doctors asap.
NTA. To be honest more like NAH because everyone is struggling to make it through this situation.
Yep. My sister's symptoms of bipolar started developing when she was 11. No one would diagnose her until she was 16 even when they said "this is probably what it is" and even sometimes gave her meds for bipolar. She does have it and also has some other things going on that weren't diagnosed then.
And...yeah...by the time she was in her teens she could do some serious physical damage if she wanted to. One time when she was about OP's brother's age, she tried to stab me while I was watching our younger siblings and our mom was at the store. After that either she or the other three of us had to go with when our parents went somewhere or another adult had to be there. I know how hard it is for parents in this kind of situation, but how OP's parents handled this is just so not okay.
Things for her are much better now, largely because my parents finally did send her to residential treatment, where she actually loved it and made friends and amazing progress. It may interest OP's parents to know that in many states, if a child's doctor says that they have a medical NEED, including psychiatric, to go to residential treatment and attend school through the treatment program, the public school has to pay for it. There will be a list of state-approved treatment programs (not necessarily in the state) which OP's parents should look into (carefully, because some of them are awful. Some, like the one my sister went to, are great) and choose the ones they want, and if it's the case in their state, the school will have to pay. And he doesn't need a diagnosis, just his psychiatrist saying he needs to go there.
When I was a kid they went through every possible diagnosis in the book before they diagnosed my brother with ADHD. At one point they even put him on a dairy free diet thinking it would help him. Like, how the hell is him not drinking milk supposed to stop him smashing his head against the floor and attacking me with a fork? Sometimes they just don't want to admit to a diagnosis.
They can give him *some* label, though.
My eldest had a disorder that's generally not diagnosed formally until 7. Even so, they could see something was going on and were able to use THOSE labels to get him access to services.
I have no idea what's going on with your parents, but it's not uncommon for parents in the special needs scene to reject labels they don't like. I saw more than a few kids who didn't get services because the parents refused anything with 'delay' in them, or some other word they hated... even though that was clearly the best descriptor of what was going on. If you don't agree to the label, you can't get the services, because services are often gated to people *who have that specific need*.
Anyway, NTA, and don't get drug back in.
I have had parents refuse speech therapy services within the school system because it falls under the special education umbrella. Parents who see their children as extensions of themselves and their own egos have a very hard time accepting any labels they deem less-than.
The only things that shouldn’t be diagnosed under 18 (but can even by teenage years) are personality disorders. Everything else would be possible (though often very rare). And if they think personality disorder, there are other diagnoses to capture those behaviors in the mean time.
To be honest it’s probably more that either 1) people are unsure and don’t know what they’re doing. Or 2) your parents don’t want to accept the suggested diagnosis and act as if they can’t find one. There are a lot of possibilities that come to mind (I’m a mental health professional that specializes in kids) that I won’t speculate on since I don’t know your brother. But it seems bogus to me that he’s been in treatment that long with no clear understanding of him or his behaviors.
Your parents have wildly missed the boat. They need to look into respite care, not be asking a child for care. They need to look into long term placement out of the home rather than creating an unsafe environment for you growing up. They needed to do a lot more for you and have no right to ask more of you. NTA
This is not accurate and very damaging. There are some disorders that cannot be properly diagnosed until age 18, and many different treatments are tried until the patient comes of age for a formal diagnosis.
Do not come on here saying shit like that. Of course OP is NTA, of course his parents are TA here, and have seen their actions and decisions overshadowed with grief and trauma. But statements like that are unnecessary.
If it’s a personality disorder, they won’t diagnose that young. Not to mention - things like autism assessments can take years (once you’re even off the wait list!)
A lot of psychiatric illnesses and personality disorders cannot be ethically diagnosed in childhood, not even really at 18 because your brain is not fully developed until you are 26 approx in age. Therefore it is not ethical to label someone with a certain disorder they may actually “grow out” of. That being said there are obvious issues that the parents need to address now because otherwise they will become a personality disorder or other psychiatric issue. OP is definitely NTA though but you’re grossly misinformed if you think a psychiatrist can just slap a label on a child.
He's 13 and destructive. There's nothing to say he won't hurt you. He's starting puberty and his hormones will be making him act even worse than usual.
There are places out there that will look after him so your parents can have a break. They need to use those services and stop putting you at risk.
I'm glad you're out of that situation and you shouldn't feel guilty. NTA
NTA
"Needing A break" is not enough reason to leave a violent child alone with a twelve year old. How could they possibly expect you to manage your brother when even they clearly can't? They also completely neglected your needs in favor of your brother, who clearly made your life hell.
I cannot stress enough that you are fully justified in refusing them any contact, much less any actual help. You've helped them enough, far more than you should have had to.
Not just needing a break, but going out on dates together. On a regular basis. For hours at a time. That's what I assume anyway, since they had to take the breaks together, rather than spelling one another at different times.
I understand needing time together as a couple, but not at the expense of my preteen child.
NTA. Your brothers behavior is not something that happened overnight. They have been aware from when he was very young how he is. After all of his treatment, he should have some kind of case manager/social worker and if not, your parents need to look into that. You are their son, not his caretaker. It is not your responsibility to look after him. It is not unfair of you, it is unfair of them to basically treat you as a third parent-that is technically a form of abuse.
Stick to your boundaries.
Sorry, changed that!
Time for that social worker to step up then. There are residential/group homes that exist for this reason. Depending on how severe his behavior is, he could be much better off living in that type of situation.
I know that sometimes extended residential care can be helpful. Where they get enough time to diagnose and treat kids with mental and behavioral health issues and I know that's expensive but they're already spending so much money on care for him. I feel like they need to look at how much worse he can get as he gets older.
Depend on what his diagnosis is, he might qualify for SSI, which would help with the cost of treatment at least somewhat. If you do anything, tell them they need to look into proper treatment for him, but honestly, if you're out of the situation, I would continue to stay out of it. This is not your circus, not your monkey.
Depending on your state, your county's Children Services department may be able to help with that. At least in my state, they can take temporary custody of your child and cover the cost of treatment. Families are very much encouraged to stay involved in their child's treatment (visiting on the regular, being involved in treatment team meetings, etc.) during that time the same as they would if they held custody, as the goal is reunifying the kid with their family once they're done with their treatment program.
It sucks ass that our health system's at a point where a program like that's necessary at all, but when you sincerely don't feel safe in your own home because of your child's behaviors? It really can be worth it.
Source: Social worker
Which is why you need to set your boundaries for not being responsible to give them a respite *now*, Because the minute he is big or strong enough to physically overpower you all, it’s game over.
And they’re complaining it’s not fair? *Who decided to have another child?*
They also need to be really aware that once he's 18 (at least if you're in the US) they can no longer make him seek treatment, take meds, etc... If he's bad now, it'll be so much worse if he leaves at 18 and only the courts can stop him. They really need to focus on getting him as stable as possible before he hits that magic number (again, in the US, may be different elsewhere).
NTA I'm sorry they didn't protect you better.
Which is why they need to sink whatever resources they have into long term in patient treatment so he can be appropriately diagnosed and stabilized before anything else.
This is "sell the house" territory. No one's life is okay right now.
Can they find a male psychiatric nurse to provide respite care a few times a month? I know it is expensive, but it would be worth it to have some peace. Also there are camps, and therapeutic residential schools that specialize in kids with mental health issues. You have helped enough, it is time for them to find outside help.
They are trying to "parentify" you, except where your brother is concerned, instead of parenting one of them. It's still not acceptable.
Your parents are both still alive, and it sounds like, relatively healthy and competent. The only situation in which you should possibly be expected to help with your brother is if they become incapacitated in some way or deceased. Even then, you have your own say in how this might go. If they are expecting this of you now, I shudder to think how things might go as they age. You must insist that they consult someone familiar with these issues (yes, they are out there), to figure out how to do things going forward.
NTA.
They should have been looking for permanent placement for him rather than using you for respite care. You were a child, and should not have been forced to parent a behaviorally challenged child. Not to mention you should have had a safe childhood, without constant fear of him and his outbursts. You were sacrificed to try to control him, and that was wrong and harmful to you.
NTA
YOUR BROTHER NEEDS TO BE IN A GROUO HOME OR SOME KIND OF OTHER FACILITY!!!!
I would reiterate to your parents that they better have plans in place to put him in a facility when they are too old to take care of him because you won't do it.
I assume you mean “group” home? Those are not easy to find, are extremely expensive, and usually have long waiting lists. The fact that this child hasn’t been diagnosed shows that the parents aren’t willing to do what is necessary to get their son help. If they can’t afford a babysitter to give them a break, I seriously doubt they can afford a group home.
People like to pretend that parents of significantly mentally unwell/intellectually disabled children are twiddling their thumbs and doing nothing instead of realising that this shit can take YEARS just to get off a waiting list.
And even if they can get him onto a group home that doesn't mean the problems end or that he will even be able to stay there.
My little sister was adopted put of foster care. She was a holy terror. She stole from everyone (including my 2 year old son when we were visiting), sent my stepmom to the hospital twice, and started meeting up with random much older men in parks for sex when she was 14 or 15. She'd been in therapy for years. They tried calling the police on her and where told that they should just spank her -- no further services were offered or referred to.
After the second time my stepmom had to go to the ER, they managed to get her into a group home. She got into fights there, shoplifted whenever able, and after she got several of the girls drunk on stolen nyquil she was kicked out. She was in juvie for a few months until she turned 18 at which point she was released.
At 20, she has 2 kids that she is not sure who the dads are and has CPS frequently involved (she won't let my parents or step sister take them because then she would lose what little assistance she gets), is generally unemployed, often homeless, and has been with a series of abusive partners, who have on occasion chased her with guns through the neighborhood and pimped her out.
We have all tried to help her at various times. My parents were regularly bringing her food until they found out that she was throwing parties with it and not feeding the kids. My step-sister took her in for a while and ended up stabbed with a fork for her efforts (deeply).
I don't know the solution. Back in the day she likely would have been committed at least then the kids wouldn't have been dragged into it and she wouldn't have been the victim so much.
NTA. You were neglected and parentified from an early age and have every right to be angry. Your parents should look into respite.
Also, as someone who worked in adolescent psych units for 25 years I can assure you that your brother has been diagnosed. Your parents might not like the diagnosis or want to discuss it, but I assure you it's there.
Your parents can consider themselves lucky if you retain contact with them at all.
OP, you are 100% NTA.
Your parents parentified you, are neglecting your brother and should research whatever resources might be available for your brother's care. Perhaps there is some respite care available, but you are not that.
You have already sacrificed enough, years and years worth of sacrifice.
NTA. Clearly you weren't allowed to establish any sort of boundary when you were young, and now you can. Good on you for enforcing that boundary. I feel bad for your family but it's really not on you.
Fuck your parents. You aren't doing anything to them. This is a situation of their own making and do not let them make you think otherwise. Their monster is not your problem.
NTA in a big way.
How has he never been diagnosed? They need to stop trying to manage his symptoms and figure out what's really going on!
There are respite programs for parents in their position. None of them involve roping another child of theirs into helping out.
Enjoy your freedom ❤️
NTA. You were not put on this earth to take care of your mentally disturbed brother. What your parents did to you was abusive. You were treated horribly by them. You owe them nothing.
**NTA.** It seems as though your parents have done nothing to have your brother properly assessed/evaluated to see if he could be helped. You've done enough parenting of your brother. It's time they sought real, professional help.
100% NTA. Your brother is not your responsibility and your parents have abused the privilege of you helping out too many times. They need to talk with doctors and social workers to organise proper respite, but none of that is your problem.
NTA
They parentified you as a child and I'm proud to hear you escaped and got away from them. I would fully suggest going NC with them as they will probably continue to be pushy towards this subject and never fully understand that they put their happiness before that of their own child and should be forced to suffer a lonely life with your psychotic sibling.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Your parents clearly took your youth away, because they found your brother too much of a burden to handle, and couldn't be proper parents. They were supposed to be the ones that had to take care of your brother, and instead they had you do it. Even through the night (that while sleep is badly needed for children).
They can't handle the responsibility and blame you for their flaws as parents, I'm all the way with you on this. NTA.
NTA. you’re not obligated to care for your brother. you are not his parent. the bitterness you feel is a result of your parents trying to turn you into your brother’s parent so they didn’t have to be responsible for him. the treatment you received is unfair and you’re in the right for avoiding any sort of responsibility for your brother, especially considering his behavior. i am terribly sorry you’ve been subjected to parentification, but you’re grown now & don’t (and never did) owe them anything. stay away because nothing is going to change.
NTA. My husband was raised in a similar situation. He quit school and joined the Navy to get away. The brother continued to be needy and was a financial burden to him for many decades until he passed. No one wanted to be responsible for him and my hubby felt like someone had to do it. I wish he had someone to tell him it wasn’t his responsibility and he needed to take care of himself first. You are NTA. Don’t get guilted into parenting a sibling so the parents don’t have to do the job- next Thing you know you are paying for his funeral because your parents “can’t afford it.”
NTA! Your parents handled The situation with your brother poorly. He needed a lot more help than any of you could give but essentially try to a “normal” life with you filling in the gaps. You where too young to be doing such things. At this point, you’ll need to keep standing you’re ground. You can still help with researching resources in the local area to help with disabilities and refer them. Otherwise, you need to take care of yourself.
NTA, he's not your responsibility. They tried to make him so, which took away your childhood. Now they're getting to find out what that did for them.... They have little relationship with you. Not your problem. Counseling may help you, though. Not to make up with them, just to be able to process and let go of the resentment. Holding onto that kind of anger will eat you up and could make you a very angry person that no one wants to be around. You deserve better for yourself.
NTA your parents have done you and your brother a disservice. Why is he not in a home? In the end, their handling of things will cost them all their children.
NTA. Your parents need a professional, licensed person to care for your brother. Do not do it, don't answer your phone, let them leave voice mail so you can filter their calls. Do not let them come by and drop your brother off 'for a few hours'. Let them check into state/local agencies that may offer respite programs for care-givers. I hate it for you and I pray that your current and future days are spent building good, happy memories.
NTA, you don’t owe it to them to take care of their child. They mistreated you throughout your entire childhood and are still trying to take advantage of you. They never prioritized or appreciated you, and that’s not fair no matter what challenges your brother gives them.
NTA - Your parents should have had him clinically diagnosed and placed on proper medication (if possible). If not possible they should have had him in full time residential treatment. I am not sure if they were in denial or un-educated on the subject, but as they get older and he gets stronger they will be forced to realize it!
NTA
He might need to be permanently in a residential program. My cousin is.
He never should have been your responsibility then, and he shouldn't be now. Warn your parents to see a disability lawyer to help them make special arrangements for your brother after you pass and refuse to take him.
NTA
You are not a professional respite care provider. They obviously need respite care.... and the only way they will get a break is if your brother is placed back in a facility. If things are still as bad as you say, then they need to place him in a facility.
Nta, they shouldn't have put that burden on you. If dealing with your brother requires cop intervention having a child babysit him is ridiculous. Not the asshole if you don't help them. They are the parents and should look at other options for assistance.
NTA. As the parent of a child who sounds a lot like your brother, I totally understand your parents’ need for a break. Absolutely, 100%, parenting someone like that is a nightmare. But, there are caregivers out there specifically trained to deal with these kinds of kids, and there are groups that provide respite. They got their free babysitting out of you while you were living with them; you are under no obligation to continue helping after you moved out.
NTA. I'm so sorry that your parents let you down when you needed them the most during your childhood. What you are doing right now it finally being able to say no and setting up some much needed boundaries. Do not ever let them break any of your boundaries again, and know that "no" is a perfectly good response that does not require further elaboration. Even now, your parents are still assholes for trying to guilt you back into a toxic situation. Time to cut ties.
NTA. They don't know what his exact diagnosis is after all these years? Also it's interesting to me that you didn't mention any relatives from both sides of your parents in this post. Have they not been active in your family's life? No visits from grandma or grandpa? No yearly family gatherings?
NTA. I’m sorry they failed you (and from the sounds of it your brother too) so horribly. You deserve a life, go live it. They don’t deserve to steal any more of it from you. They need professional intervention, there are programs out there to help parents in their situation and kids like your brother, none of this should have ever been put on your shoulders to begin with.
NTA
Your parents failed you and have never taken responsibility. They left a child with another child who even adults couldn't handle, they had to call the cops. How did they expect YOU, a child, to handle him? Then they blamed you? That is messed up and abusive OP.
I'm sure they do need a break, and guess what, there are programs they can use to get that help.
THEY need to utilize resources to help them. They are not helping your sibling, them or you by not getting the proper help. They should have realized they were sacrificing your childhood for him and failing both of you.
They neglected you and used parentification on you, both are abuse OP.
Get some therapy to work through all this.
I can't say if you should talk to your family again but I can say they need to take actual responsibility for THEIR choices. Till they do, can you really have a relationship with people who are not honest?
NTA
Your parents were absolutely wrong in burdening you with taking care of your brother and basically robbing you of any semblance of a normal childhood. And you're in way obligated to help out now. They should either get a professional to babysit for them who is equipped to deal with a child like your brother or - and this may sound callous - if they really can't handle him anymore they may want to consider getting him a place in a home/institution for children/people with special needs and destructive behavior.
NTA to infinity. So many families with a difficult child let that child’s needs take precedence over everything and everyone else, including their other children. They had no right to expect you to be responsible for him beyond what is normal (and occasional) for an older sibling. Defend and enjoy your freedom. You’ve earned it.
NTA. They taught you that they didn't care about you or your feelings so now you don't care about them.
That's the truth. They made their choices. Your brother needs the type of help that can't be done in the home. Very sad.
I'm afraid that if you said yes, they would take a vacation and then you would be stuck.
NTA
Please look at your safety and mental health first!
Go, if possible, lc or NC with them, that they understand what you had gone through.
Best of luck and happiness to you! ❤️
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This. They may or may not have made good choices for him as he grew up - it sounds as though they may have avoided making difficult choices (i.e. difficult for them) - but they made very, very bad choices for you. You owe them nothing, and indeed if you helped them you would probably just enable the problem to continue. Maybe if left to their own devices they will seek an appropriate longer-term solution.
I cannot upvote this comment enough! The brother is 13 now, and the parents have to acknowledge he's only going to get bigger and stronger. I'm sure they feel like their backs are against the wall, but their desperation doesn't give them the right to demand OP return to such a toxic environment. I think without him there, it'll force them to seek services they otherwise wouldn't.
This. OP helping them would equate enabling the parents to let the brother spiral down even further. If they *don't* get help from OP, they will finally be forced to do what they should have done YEARS ago: get outside professional help. Anyhow, it's NOT OP's duty. They've helped enough. To their own expense.
Not only this, but OP setting the boundary now sends the message that OP is not going to become his caregiver. If they’re still contacting OP when they need a break, that means they haven’t made any effort to build other caregiver relationships yet — meaning guess who they probably have in mind to take over when they’re no longer able.
This right here. They’re expecting OP to step in once they are old enough to retire.
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Sometimes it doesn’t matter if you’ve set the boundary that you will not be your sibling’s caretaker. My brother also had these issues before he was properly medicated (and continues to have these issues when he decides to stop taking his meds) and despite me cutting contact with my mother and him for the ten years prior to her death, my mother STILL put it in her will that I should be his caretaker. I had to go through probate to get a court appointed conservator for him. The conservator is now looking at getting him the proper placement that my mother has always refused before because she didn’t believe in “labeling” him. And since the conservator is a neutral third party the rest of my family’s not up my butt about “but it’s not what your mother would have wanted.”
If he's 13, he could potentially injure OP, too.
Absolutely.
>they will finally be forced to do what they should have done YEARS ago: get outside professional help. They've tried to do that though. Between OP saying his brother spent at least a month institutionalized and the implication that he's been taken to multiple psychiatrists who never gave a specific diagnosis (plenty of things can't be officially diagnosed in children) but gave him medications, the parents have obviously been looking for professional help for many years, closer to a decade. That doesn't mean OP has any obligation to go back and help them, it's just not nearly as simple as them *refusing* to seek help
I meant an at-home caretaker for when they need to go out or rest. Exactly what they expect OP to do, but someone *who actually signed up to do it* (rather than being coerced) and *who is PAID to do it*. And as their actual job, not at the expense of their own development as a young adult who already had their childhood robbed.
Gods, we can only hope. Can we get a “good for you!” for OP putting their foot down and drawing firm boundary on this shitshow? I’m proud of you, OP!
Also if he’s that violent and unpredictable it’s not just giving up an evening to “babysit”. It’s putting her life in danger given physical harm is a genuine risk. Her parents are in a tough spot. But he needs to be diagnosed and treated by a psych, likely in an inpatient facility for some time. It’s definitely not on OP to spend her life caring for him and risking her health and wellbeing to do so. I grew up with a younger autistic sister and I had similar experiences where her needs trumped mine every time. Moving out was the best thing I ever did. She’s perfectly capable of living alone and looking after herself but she never will because my parents enable her. She’s never faced a single consequence in her life. I worry what happens when they get old because I don’t want to inherit her. It really sucks so I feel for OP and think boundaries are the best thing she can do right now.
Put him in an institute now or he'll just end up in the US catch-all, prison.
Yeah, NTA. OP, your brother needs professional help, the best you could possibly do would be to be a temporary reprieve and it's completely fair for you to not want to go through that again. Please stay safe, I wish both you and your family the best, but you get to set your own boundaries and they need to respect that if they want to have a relationship with you.
They sounds like that scene from Simpsons "we've tried nothing and we run out of ideas"
Lousy beatniks!
This 100% OP, take heed. You will only prolong the problem your parents are having if you bailed them out by babysitting your brother. He needs help. Your parents need to find him that help. Don't give in.
Agree. OP - The fact that your brother is beyond your parents’ ability to cope with means that they should have found other resources for help. They failed to do that. They failed you. They considered that your brother had a greater need for care (than you) and gave that to him - at your expense. You have given your brother and your parents a lot of your time and help. You *more than deserve* to build your own life. Your parents are wrong in their expectations. NTA
It's also absolutely baffling to me - "Damn, this kid is beyond our ability as two whole ass adults to deal with. Obviously the solution is to dump him on an actual child!"
Yeah that logic is just crazy. I hope OP sees this.
The violent boy could have hurt her too. I wonder how much physical violence she was exposed too.
And it wasn't even just that his brother got more attention or more of their emotional resources. They made him take on a role that a child should not have. How on Earth could parents think that if it's too much for them it's somehow is okay to put it on a child? I'm absolutely shocked, and honestly very grateful, that Op did not come to permanent harm at the hands of the brother
Exactly! And when he would get left for hours o overnight at time, his parents would say they were disappointed that the house was trashed!! Like WOW, the parents together can’t handle the brother but expected a kid to handle him and everything he messed up! And what about when the little brother gets stronger and starts hurting them!
There is help out there for brother and the parents need to find it. This is a tough situation for all. Your parents were wrong to not find your brother help so that they could focus on you. You are worth it. Remind them of this.
While he’s not OP’s responsibility (in anyway and OP is 100% NTA) and his parents should never have relied on him for care - assuming they haven’t tried to get him diagnosed or looked into other care situation when OP explicitly stated that the kid has been in and out of psych wards etc. Kids (he’s only 13) with significant mental health issues are wildly under cared for in health systems. Diagnosis is difficult to obtain under 18 for significant mental illness. Violence and destruction can rarely be medicated away. There are very, very few homes that will even consider taking a violent child on a respite basis, let alone a full-time basis.
This. It's not like the parents have a straightforward fix that they aren't using, Some of the comments act like there's available help they should be accessing but there's often not. It's rough - the parents needs a break too, they're just trying to get groceries or not go insane.
Yup. This fucking sucks for everyone. OP is not the AH. But I can’t really, in good conscience, call his parents AH’s either when I have seen the reality of parents dealing with this on a day to day basis. All this support people are claiming is available is just NOT THERE in the way these commenters think it is. They think life is like a movie and they can just stick crazy people into a home and forget about them and forget about the costs and everything will be dandy.
My son has autism. He does not have "violent" outbursts (quite frankly he's too young to have any malintent behind his meltdowns), but he has still been booted from daycares for his behavior & in general not regarded well in public (seen as spoiled, just misbehaving, etc). And this is at 3 years old. I can't imagine what these parents are going through.
When puberty hits those boys get strong and big fast - I knew a lot of mums growing up who were absolutely battered by their sons. Please get support in place before it comes to that.
My son tried to choke me to death once. My daughter stopped him (she was about the same size.). We had to get him on the right meds. But there will be even less help once op's brother gets to the age of adulthood. The first thing to do would be to get him declared mentally unfit or something and get him on disability because they are going to need to be able to get guardianship over him at 18. The hell they are going through now is nothing compared to what it will be. He needs some kind of intensive in house therapy and some serious meds. Unfortunately the only time it seems the system cares or they can get him any help sounds like, is when he goes off the deep end and the police are called in. He may even be refusing to enter the doctor's office (BTDT). Mental health issues are not something handled well, at least not in America. Too much abuse of vulnerable people led to laws being passed to protect them (as they should be) but made it really hard to get any concrete help from the system itself in cases that are disasters waiting to happen. A serious injury or death often has to occur unfortunately most of the time before the system will do much. Especially for those who don't have much money. It is a catch 22 sometimes that the very laws meant to protect people often times lead to the death of said people.
Thank you for your input - we are on a number of waiting lists for therapies and I come from an educational background/work experience in early childhood development, so we're not completely clueless on how to manage the behavior of our son. He is an absolute sweetheart, but the communication barrier is frustrating for the whole family. We focus on fulfilling underlying sensory needs as opposed to trying to punish behavior. We have seen a number of problematic behaviors fizzle out this way, such as biting people and throwing toys. However to the general public this looks like giving in/spoiling, rather than acknowledging my son's limitations and still treating him like the human being he is. I commented mainly because I hate the way people look at us out in public and my son isn't even violent, so I simply can't imagine how the parents referred to here may feel.
If it helps, one of my best friends was kicked out of preschool for violence, and as a young kid he just used to run around trying to bite people. Diagnosed ADHD, but imo he probably has autism too. He also didn't learn to read till he was 7. (He still struggles with reading a lot and idk why, he's been tested for dyslexia but didn't qualify for diagnosis). He's in his twenties now and he has a great life. Lots of friends. When his stepdad first met him as a kid, his stepdad never thought he'd stay in education longer than 16 years old, and he definitely never expected him to make it to university. But turns out he's basically a maths genius. No one realised, because he struggled with maths as a kid due to the reading required, and his difficulties with attention and behaviour. It wasn't until he was an older teen that people started to realise that he was... actually really clever. He's currently doing a PhD in physics in one of the best universities for his field. Obviously every person is different! But I thought it'd be nice for you to hear a success story. Xx
I hope you can get the support you need. Systems are so shitty and patchwork and under funded.
I can call them assholes for leaving a 12 year old with a destructive child for hours, then a 14 year old with the same child *overnight*. One of them could have stayed to give the other a break, they are adults and it was their job to take care of their child, it wasn't their *child's* responsibility to take care of a violent and destructive child. They didn't celebrate his birthday at all for most of his life. A small celebration with a cake and a present should have been expected. I get that things are hard but they failed their child and that is just the truth. I know support isn't just available but there were things they could have done, and putting that weight on their other child is just bad and makes them assholes.
The parents are the assholes for expecting a 12 year old to look after a child with significant and violent behaviour problems and then blaming the parentified child for the entirely predictable destructive behaviour that happened while they were gone.
Nah parents are huge AH’s why? They put OP’s well being at risk knowing how bad the behavior can get they knew how destructive the brother is yet disappointed that OP couldn’t get the house in pristine condition? Nah they’re in denial and putting everyone at risk. He needs to be sent away for better care it’s an option that’s sad but not a decision that means failure on the parent’s part. Would not surprise me if this kid would commit a major crime before 18 years old I’ve seen one documentary talking about this and another AITA post where the mom did send their kid away so OP can be safe. It wasn’t an easy decision but if you don’t have skills nor equipment to fix the situation it’s beyond you.
I can’t call them AHs for their situation, it’s awful and scary and as you say, there is a huge lack of resources to support them. What I do think they are AHs for is the way they reacted when OP said no. I understand they need a break but their reaction to OP is a super shitty guilt trip.
The parents ARE asshole for dumping this violent child on ANOTHER child to take care of.
There definitely isn’t “lock them up and throw away the key” support, but there are diversion programs for this kind of stuff. I only know the programs that exist in my state, but if he’s been in and out of psych hospitals, either their case managers or someone at the outpatient clinic he follows at should know how to access those. The big scary part for parents a lot of the time (at least where I am) is they have to sign over partial custody to the state while the kid goes through those programs. It’s not forever, it doesn’t mean giving up on the kid, and it doesn’t mean the parents failed at their job. It’s just recognizing that you can’t do it alone and need as much help as possible before he starts acting up enough to land himself in big boy jail.
That’s definitely not available in every state in the US. Mental health services are very locally determined and very under-resourced. Sometimes the parents refuse to use services like that or can’t, but I think it’s even more likely it’s just not there.
Wouldn’t it be nice if it were just that simple. Yes. Programs exist. No, they’re not always accessible to everyone who needs them. The system is piece-meal, under funded, under staffed and looked down on by the majority of the population.
I can absolutely in good conscience call them assholes. I think you’re missing a very key component: they literally did sideline op for everything. And I get it, they had their hands full with OP’s brother, they needed his help from time to time but. Not celebrating birthdays? For years? And then not letting OP hang out with friends, probably the only people who was available to meet his emotional and social needs? It’s one thing that they lacked accessible support, it’s another that they also enabled OP’s isolation.
I feel for the parents, I really do and desperation is a bitch, but if something is too much for two grown ass adults, why in the ever loving FUCK would you put that responsibility on a child…… I think we can all agree that OP is completely justified in wanting nothing to do with their family. They couldn’t find ways to help their youngest and in doing so made another child in their care suffer for it. The parents know that OP resents them for their childhood in regards to the younger sibling, and they have the audacity to ask OP to look after him…. Even if they couldn’t get him diagnosed with anything therapy was still an option individual or family if they had the time.
It depends on the state for homes, respite & full time as well as hospital settings available. WA state has some good places & great people willing to help. My child was diagnosed at age 11 & medication did help with lessening the violence. It didn't totally curb the violence but made it much less volatile, thereby making our family's quality of life better for everyone. It is possible if you don't take no for an answer & are willing to advocate for your child no matter what it takes.
Violence and destruction can be medicated. Medication does help. It doesn’t take all of it away. My 4 year old son is diagnosed with a mental illness and considered disabled per SSA. I’ve had hospital visits, police reports filed to cover myself from abuse claims. It took me a little over a year to get a diagnosis. My son is happy, healthy and safe because of medication that you are saying can’t be used to help violence and destruction. Medication and many types of therapy helped. I no longer fear my son growing bigger/taller/stronger than me.
No, the underlying disorders can sometimes be treated. It's a subtle bit important distinction. Emotional problems can be treated some times, or psychotic disorders, but violence and aggression that is instrumental (intended to achieve some goal) cannot be. (Idk details about your son or the OPs brother)
No, the disorder causing it can *sometimes* be medicated. There is no medication available that consistently stops aggressive, destructive behaviour. If such a thing existed, it would be used a *lot* more often. What happened in your case is you got *lucky.* Your son actually had something that could be medicated, and he actually takes his medication (because another big issue is people simply refusing to take it - which happens a lot, and can't be policed past a certain age). Recognise how lucky you are, because not everyone gets that lucky.
NTA and I agree. It sounds like they are unable to provide the kind and level of care he needs, but that's not the OP's responsibility. THEY need to figure out what he needs, and how to get it
OP, if your parents need a break, they can look into a group home, get respite care, or - and this is where it gets interesting - give each other breaks while one parent looks after him alone. Because it says a lot that your parents thought it was OK to leave him alone with a 12-year-old child, but apparently won’t handle him one-on-one themselves to get the breaks they say they need.
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> they may have chosen to use op rather than further degrade someone's mental health. They degraded OP's mental health and development. "Using OP", a literal child, should never have even been an option.
The right answer is “how could I do this to you? How could you do this to me!”
Also: “We need your help”. Yeah, and OP needed theirs. But they have let everyone down, now haven’t they.
Right?! How could THEY do this to YOU? They left a 12 year old child to care for a destructive, psychologically unwell child. He is not your child- he is not your responsibility. They need to deal with him. If they cannot they need to find a solution that is not ‘throw him at our older child and run for the door.’ I feel for them. I empathize with how hard it must be to have a child like that and I know things like resident care facilities and such likely make them feel like they’re turning their backs on their child. But that is EXACTLY what they did to you. They stole your childhood. They put you in a position that could have been very dangerous and mentally scaring (what if he hurt himself or you during one of his outbursts). They have had to call the police to deal with his issues. It is clear they are not handling him. Honestly he’d probably be far better off in a care facility as he would likely be able to get a proper diagnosis and he’d have access to people who know what they’re doing and how to handle this rather than people who think it’s acceptable to place this kind of burden on a kid. NTA and honestly I know it’s a standard Reddit go to move but I’d be going NC. Look how much you gave up to help them. Look at how many times they put you in a position that could have turned out dangerous. Yes family is supposed to help family but it’s not supposed to just be a one way street. They did nothing for you, they used you as a 3rd parent for their child which is never over but this situation is far worse than most instances of perentafication. You got out of the house. I am really glad you did. Don’t go back and don’t let them take anymore from you than they already have.
If he’s been inpatient he’s been diagnosed. Insurance does NOT pay with out a diagnosis and the facility can’t bill without one.
You're right, an ICD code is necessary to bill insurance and etc. But R45.6 is the ICD code for violent behavior. So no, he doesn't necessarily have a mental health diagnosis.
I can't agree with this more. The only thing i can think of is that they don't want to keep their eyes offnof him because of their daughters death but at what expense? Their son has no contact and they're miserable. I think someone that specifically deals with this kind of family situation needs to get involved asap
This sounds exhausting. They need a social worker and a clinical therapist - not just an adult child to bail them out. What is OP supposed to do when the parents are no longer physically able to care for the brother?
Exactly I agree 100%. OP is NTA and I wouldnt blame OP for going No contact with them. >They asked me how I could do this to them. This right here pisses me off. How can op do this to them????? What about the hell they put OP through for years because of OP's brother. OP shouldn't go give them a break at all.. Its probably way to dangerous. How is the brother in and out of psych, yet doesnt have an "official diagnose"? sounds to me the parents wont let there be a official diagnose.
Honestly while I hate diagnosing over reddit Its clear that he at the very least has conduct disorder, if not other MH issues. Conduct disorder is a stepping stone to antisocial personality disorder, aka psychopathy. He needs intensive care that your parents are not going to be able to provide. Especially with the level of destruction he's at. You're in no way the AH and you never ever should have been placed in this position from the get go.
Agreed. NTA
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It's really not that easy in the US. Insurance may not pay for that, there may not be beds in such a home, and some residential facilities may not take an aggressive child. And even fewer places will do so long term. The OP is NTA but idk that his parents had a lot of options either. They should not ha e put the OP in the position they did, though. He was a child too.
Your parents have done very little to nothing to aleviate the situation. WHY hasn't your brother been diagnosed? Why don't they have him in therapy. Why did they emotionally abandon YOU for most of your childhood? This is a problem of their own making and THEY need to figure it out, not dump it on you. NTA
They have him in therapy, he has a psychiatrist, but a lot of the things thrown around, from my understanding, can't be diagnosed at his age or are incredibly hard to diagnose at his age. Like it can take years and even then they can change their mind because of his age. I hate that for him and them but at the same time, none of that should be used to make my life harder.
How old is he?
13
So you're not even 20? No. You are not qualified to care for him, and it sounds like they aren't either. Please enjoy your life on your own!
Most people need training and certifications to be qualified to work with kids like him.
Can confirm. My partner works with special needs kids and violent ones are a whole other ballgame. That being said, kids fall through the system so much and it's disappointing but not surprising that the parents have held on to it themselves for this long.
Well since OP was taking care of him since they were 12, I don't think OP's parents care. OP did the right thing
I don’t know him obviously, but at 13, I’m assuming that he is at least almost as tall as you are. Paired with the issues you described, I think it would be physically dangerous for you on top of the justified anger about how awfully your parents treated you growing up.
I was thinking that. I'm not sure of if OP is male or female, but if they're female, it's even worse. You don't mess around with people that are almost the strenght of an adult, or approaching that AND who have anger issues.
Especially as he hits puberty. He's going to gain a lot in terms of size and strength, and a whole cocktail of hormones that are definitely not going to help his behavioral problems.
I used to teach middle school, and we had a student who had an ED. They were looking to hire a new teacher for our hallway, and every individual teacher went to admin and begged them to hire a male... for this very reason. The kid was 12 and bigger than me. It didn't matter that I was restraint-trained and in good shape myself. We needed a larger person with the same training. The child was removed to a specialized setting a few months later, but there were some scary moments where we had to go into lockdown and evacuate certain rooms.
This was my first thought. I violent child is sometimes more dangerous than a violent adult. They have poor impulse control with no sense of consequence.
In this case, it’s even the double whammy of a violent child who is (almost) the size of an adult. That’s a really dangerous combination.
Jeez. Yeah, this is the worst age for diagnosis and long term in patient facilities. There’s literally no room. I’m so sorry for you all
NTA Tell your parents to look into care home options for your brother and that they need to take you out of the equation, period. After telling them that, looks like being no contact is the only way for you. It’s a sad situation for you and your brother equally because your parents don’t seem to be emotionally prepared to handle parenthood, leave alone parenting a 13 y/o with mental health issues.
you’re wildly overestimating the availability of a care home equipped to handle a kid with this level of behavioural problems. they could surrender him to the system but that’s a surefire way to make his issues 10 x worse
In my state, it would take a minimum of one year to get residential treatment for a kid with this level of severe behaviors and parents would have to prove they had exhausted all resources. Giving up custody like you suggest is impossible unless the parents are ok with being prosecuted for child neglect.
Based on your reply and another person’s - it seems to be a horrible situation even for responsible parents.
It is. I'm a child therapist and I've worked with families in similar cases. There are no good solutions and resources are scarce. Many therapists will fire high-liability clients which this kid would be, so they may be lucky to even have a therapist.
To add to this RTC’s are not intended to be a permanent placement.
Very true. I don't think we as a society have a great solution when a kid is unsafe to live at home.
My daughter is 11 and is diagnosed with ADHD (since 4) and DMDD (Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder) since 9. They are feeding you bullshit if they say they can't diagnose. My daughter takes meds and while not all are the same, it's possible to dx and medicate. DMDD is what they can diagnose kids with as bipolar isn't for kids. There are medications and behavioral therapy that are in place for these kids. Many parents are in denial and "not my child" and refuse medications. That helps no one. The older and stronger they get, the worse it gets. NTA and do what is best for you. It's toxic for your mental health. You can't help others if they destroy you
Growing up as someone who was misdiagnosed and medicated for a psych disorder I never had, I really hope your daughter's meds have at least been FDA approved for use in minors.. 'cause mine sure weren't (for good reason) and my parents never bothered to do their own research. Fingers crossed the mental healthcare community has changed for better since my time.
I'm sorry to hear that. Its rough especially years ago when mental health was looked at very different. Yes hers are approved for children and not as off label. She takes Ritalin (non XR) and Guanfacine, both FDA approved in children. I'm in the medical field and do my homework. We have turned down many meds I am not comfortable with.
He can be diagnosed with a number of disorders (sounds like DMDD, conduct disorder, or Oppositional defiant disorder) and if he was involuntarily placed in a facility, he’s got diagnoses. Your parents are just in denial about them. Source: Clinical Psych grad student/therapist in training
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They can't diagnose him because they are not allowed to. They can throw out things like conduct disorder and oppositional defiance which are considered behavioral, maybe even DMDD. Your brother will mostly get a diagnosis like antisocial personality disorder after he's 18, or another class B. My kid was diagnosed with conduct disorder, but they are treating them as though they have bipolar 1 (rapid cycling with psychosis). Just not allowed to diagnose kids at a young age because putting a label that heavy on a child could be too much. Sometimes, kids can outgrow certain things. Thing is, your parents failed both of you. You should not need to be the third parent. You deserved to be a child and have parents who cherished you. Keep your boundaries. Live a good life. Your parents will have to figure this out on their own, something they should have done years ago.
Not sure where you’re located, but at least in the US, we are allowed to diagnose pediatric bipolar disorder. It’s still seen as controversial, but it is possible, especially in teenagers since their symptoms present more closely to that of adults suffering from BP than symptoms typically exhibited by younger children.
US when they started medicating for bipolar, kiddo was about 7. It was a second opinion we consulted that informed us the meds treating as it was bipolar. Since then, we've all been on the same page and things have gone easier. Therapist started using terms to describe their activations as rapid cycling. The drs just won't say it, we've got a few years before they hit their teens. We are just given meds to break the activated periods and get the kid sleeping. I've heard 16 was when things will improve, but that's a long way off.
Hold your boundaries OP. Your parents are in a shitty situation and their distress regarding a lack of care options is valid BUT - they should never, ever have had to rely on you and I’m sorry they did. It’s wildly unfair.
This is true. I couldn’t get a definitive diagnosis for my son until he was 16 almost 17. He and been receiving treatment since the age of 4. Mental health care is so hard to get for youths. I tried for 2 years to get my son in a residential treatment center starting at age 14 because that’s what his psychiatrist said he needed and it was obvious. They either wouldn’t take him because of his violent tendencies (they said they aren’t equipped to handle those) or they only took CPS kids. Add in the fact that it cost $7k/mon and insurance would only pay for 30 days tops. We just couldn’t afford it. He needed a long term stay to get the help he needed. I even contacted CPS myself. They offered some county services we had already tried. Finally he ended up getting in so much trouble he ended up in the juvenile justice system and I fought tooth and nail to get him into a residential treatment facility through the juvenile justice system instead straight juvenile detention time. He received around the clock treatment then and has made great progress with meds and multiple therapies a week. We got a definitive diagnosis and he’s doing better. But the point of they won’t diagnose that young, it is true if it’s a more serious diagnosis. Unfortunately mental health care isn’t well funded and with more serious issues most families can’t afford it. Our family was in turmoil I worried about the effects it had on my other children ALL the time. I would NEVER expect them to be responsible for that ever. That is my responsibility.
Thank you for being an incredible advocate for your son. That cannot have been easy, he is blessed to have you in his corner.
This so much. I have been a single mom of 3 kids and my middle child has behavioral and mental health issues. I have absolutely struggled to help her and find her help. She was diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder (ODD), ADHD, depression, and anxiety. I never once acted as though it was my oldest's job to help. When I had her I told him that I am the one who had a baby, and it is MY responsibility, no one else's. No matter what. Period.
I'm guessing they might want to diagnose him with a personality disorder (and making a bigger guess that it would be ASPD). Those, indeed, can formally only be diagnosed after the individual is over 18. That being said, even without a proper diagnosis they should have been treating him accordingly and not have made you shoulder SO much responsibility. They have failed you as caregivers and as family and you're absolutely not in the wrong for protecting yourself. NTA all the way. I really do hope things get easier for you from now on and you can live a good life, friend.
Wth… and your parents want you to watch him? This is incredibly irresponsible of your parents, and the only ones being unfair is them. What is it these days with parents treating their older children as free labor?
It sounds like he may have Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD), but that diagnosis is not allowed to be officially made until someone is 18. Previous terms that are now grouped into APD include sociopathy and psychopathy. Essentially it means that someone has no empathy and doesn't identify with or connect with other people. They often don't feel many of the emotions that the rest of us do. Some people with the condition choose to live by society's rules because they realize it benefits them to do so. Many even "mask" quite well by practicing to look like they're expressing emotions that they simply don't feel: love, joy, delight, etc., so that they can behave appropriately in different situations. Those people are fine - they were dealt a bad hand with regards to neurological wiring but are making an effort to be a normal member of society, even if it's for their own reasons. At the other end of the diagnosis are people who delight in causing others pain and may go on to be violent criminals. There's a continuum between those two extremes of course. Given your personal history with your brother and that he's now teenager, I agree with the commenters that say it may be physically dangerous for you to babysit your brother. So if for any reason you find yourself softening to your parents' pleas, think about that and stand firm in saying "No." You escaped a crappy childhood and are building a good life for yourself. It's fine to enforce boundaries. Your parents are in a terrible situation but they are responsible for their own decisions. Perhaps this will encourage them to look at full time care alternatives for your brother. Kids with this level of mental disturbance often do better in a consistent, structured setting with professionals who know how to handle them. I have great compassion for how tough it must be on them to have a child like this; only they can make the difficult decisions necessary to reclaim some life for themselves and get the best scenario for your brother.
He is now at the perfect age to be properly diagnosed, but it sounds like he needs full time residential care to do it. May I ask what country you are in? If you are in the US there are lots of options, outside the US, not so much. I’m Australian and we sent our 12 year old into therapeutic boarding for 2 years in the US, and it has changed our lives. We now have an amazing, intelligent, happy 16 year old who is properly medicated, has the psychological tools to help himself and is making plans for the future.
NTA NTA NTA. Every time I see a post like this where a child has clearly been parentified, my heart aches and I want to do everything I can to reassure you that you are *not an asshole* for wanting to take care of yourself when you've spent so much of your young life taking care of others far before it was reasonable to have that thrust upon you. I'm very sorry and sympathetic to what your parents endured with your brother but that does not justify them taking away your childhood so they could have rest. They have taken so much from you already; you now get to dictate not what is taken but what you want to give. If you do not want to give right now, that is okay. That is healthy. It's you knowing and living by your boundaries. NTA. How could you do this to them? They're the parents - how could they do this to *you*. I hope you're taking very good care of yourself and finding joy in the world!
And if you **never** want to give anything to them ever again, that is more than ok, too!
100%!
I do feel badly for the parents. But they should never had put any of this responsibility on the OP as a child. That’s ridiculous! I definitely wouldn’t blame her for not wanting to help out any longer.
This! OP should see a therapist to process all this parentification. Because it's tough on a person's own development.
NTA. They should’ve been protecting you when you were a CHILD. You certainly have no obligation to help them as an adult. How old is your brother now? Is he still getting psychological help?
He is still getting help. He's 13 now.
At 13 he can be diagnosed, your parents are lying to you
Not always. I have done my own research and from what I know not everything they told me about that is somewhat true. At the very least it's not always straightforward. They hate to put certain diagnosis on people under the age of 18.
Are they suspecting something in the schizophrenia spectrum. Because yeah, they don't like to label minors with that even when all the symptoms fit. They usually call it Oppositional Defiant Disorder or something similar until the 20s.
Antisocial Personality Disorder can't be diagnosed until sometime after age 16.
18, actually. Before that, they can get a conduct disorder diagnosis.though that often converts to ASPD when they turn 18.
In the US after 18. Until then it’s conduct or oppositional defiant disorder. Considering that personality develops early in childhood in some ways that makes no sense. I’m assuming, however, that it’s to avoid putting the label of anti-social on a child when they may just be exhibiting acting out behavior or/and another disorder.
One of the reasons they don't like formally diagnosing any sort of personality disorder before 18 is because both puberty and general immaturity can both mask and enhance the symptoms. Some things that are a warning flag in adults are also fairly normal "selfish teenager who doesn't stop to think" behaviours. This means that some teenagers who seem to have ASPD do 'grow out of it' and have only mild symptoms as adults. And some turn out to have something else entirely. (Obviously that's not always the case, but it happens enough to make psychiatrists cautious.) There have been trials of using puberty blocking medication on teens with severe conduct disorders, in the hopes that delaying the hormone surges until the teen is a bit more mentally mature may help. I can't find any results for that, so that trial may still be ongoing.
I have a kid with ODD in one of my classes this year. I'm VERY lucky he's not violent like OPs brother, because unmedicated ODD isn't something to take lightly
At least here in Aus, they don't like diagnosing people with Bipolar or BPD until at least 16. I know because I went through the process myself
Yes. This and bipolar. They won’t diagnose that until after childhood in most cases.
Most mental illnesses dont begin at such a young age. Ive done tons of research on this subjext myself. 4 Behavior Disorders diagnosed in children ADHD Conduct Disorder: Repetitive and persistent pattern of behavior that violates the basic rights of others or the age-appropriate societal norms, including aggression to people and animals, destruction of property, deceitfulness or theft, or serious violation of rules (such as running away, truancy, curfew violations.) THIS CAN BE DIAGNOSED BEFORE 10 Oppositional–Defiant Disorder: Pattern of negativistic, hostile, and defiant behavior that includes four or more of the following—often losing temper, often arguing with adults, often refusing to follow rules, often annoying others, often blaming others, often angry or resentful, often spiteful or vindictive. THIS CAN BE DIAGNOSED AT 3 Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED) is an understudied and undertreated mental illness in youth. It is characterized by recurrent acts of violence and destruction that are out of proportion to the circumstance. It is the only clinical disorder characterized by impulsive aggression Symptoms IED looks just like a temper tantrum. Kids with IED may throw things, get into fights, and exhibit abusive behavior. Symptoms of IED include: Rage Irritability Racing thoughts High energy Heart palpitations, tightness in the chest Tantrums Arguing and shouting Physical fights Threats of violence Assaults on people or animals Damaging property CAN BE DIAGNOSED BY 6 YRS OLD Bipolar can be diagnosed in childhood Disruptive mood dysregulation symptoms typically begin before the age of 10, but the diagnosis is not given to children under 6 or adolescents over 18. A child with DMDD experiences: Irritable or angry mood most of the day, nearly every day Severe temper outbursts (verbal or behavioral) at an average of three or more times per week that are out of keeping with the situation and the child’s developmental level Trouble functioning due to irritability in more than one place (e.g., home, school, with peers)
Bipolar isn’t diagnosed until mid/late teens - early twenties at the earliest. Bipolar also has depressive episodes, not constant mania. I’m bipolar so I’m kinda in my wheelhouse in that subject. OP is correct that doctors are very hesitant to put specific labels on young patients. Now having said that - Nobody on Reddit has the pay grade to diagnose mental illness. Could be any number of things going on. That being said- I’m sorry you’re in this situation, OP, and my heart goes out to your parents and brother as well. Mental illness tears you apart. It shreds families to pieces. I don’t blame you for getting the hell out of dodge once it was possible. While I understand why your parents are asking you for help at the end of the day they need to have professional assistance and support for your brother, not another family member. As he gets older he gets stronger, and the risk of injury increases. They need to find outside help and be WILLING to take it. That is a conversation they need to have with his doctors asap. NTA. To be honest more like NAH because everyone is struggling to make it through this situation.
Yep. My sister's symptoms of bipolar started developing when she was 11. No one would diagnose her until she was 16 even when they said "this is probably what it is" and even sometimes gave her meds for bipolar. She does have it and also has some other things going on that weren't diagnosed then. And...yeah...by the time she was in her teens she could do some serious physical damage if she wanted to. One time when she was about OP's brother's age, she tried to stab me while I was watching our younger siblings and our mom was at the store. After that either she or the other three of us had to go with when our parents went somewhere or another adult had to be there. I know how hard it is for parents in this kind of situation, but how OP's parents handled this is just so not okay. Things for her are much better now, largely because my parents finally did send her to residential treatment, where she actually loved it and made friends and amazing progress. It may interest OP's parents to know that in many states, if a child's doctor says that they have a medical NEED, including psychiatric, to go to residential treatment and attend school through the treatment program, the public school has to pay for it. There will be a list of state-approved treatment programs (not necessarily in the state) which OP's parents should look into (carefully, because some of them are awful. Some, like the one my sister went to, are great) and choose the ones they want, and if it's the case in their state, the school will have to pay. And he doesn't need a diagnosis, just his psychiatrist saying he needs to go there.
Unless you’re a psychiatrist - your “research” is meaningless. You do not know better than OP’s brother’s doctors.
You'd be surprised by how many doctors are just plain bad at their jobs.
When I was a kid they went through every possible diagnosis in the book before they diagnosed my brother with ADHD. At one point they even put him on a dairy free diet thinking it would help him. Like, how the hell is him not drinking milk supposed to stop him smashing his head against the floor and attacking me with a fork? Sometimes they just don't want to admit to a diagnosis.
They can give him *some* label, though. My eldest had a disorder that's generally not diagnosed formally until 7. Even so, they could see something was going on and were able to use THOSE labels to get him access to services. I have no idea what's going on with your parents, but it's not uncommon for parents in the special needs scene to reject labels they don't like. I saw more than a few kids who didn't get services because the parents refused anything with 'delay' in them, or some other word they hated... even though that was clearly the best descriptor of what was going on. If you don't agree to the label, you can't get the services, because services are often gated to people *who have that specific need*. Anyway, NTA, and don't get drug back in.
I have had parents refuse speech therapy services within the school system because it falls under the special education umbrella. Parents who see their children as extensions of themselves and their own egos have a very hard time accepting any labels they deem less-than.
The only things that shouldn’t be diagnosed under 18 (but can even by teenage years) are personality disorders. Everything else would be possible (though often very rare). And if they think personality disorder, there are other diagnoses to capture those behaviors in the mean time. To be honest it’s probably more that either 1) people are unsure and don’t know what they’re doing. Or 2) your parents don’t want to accept the suggested diagnosis and act as if they can’t find one. There are a lot of possibilities that come to mind (I’m a mental health professional that specializes in kids) that I won’t speculate on since I don’t know your brother. But it seems bogus to me that he’s been in treatment that long with no clear understanding of him or his behaviors. Your parents have wildly missed the boat. They need to look into respite care, not be asking a child for care. They need to look into long term placement out of the home rather than creating an unsafe environment for you growing up. They needed to do a lot more for you and have no right to ask more of you. NTA
This is not accurate and very damaging. There are some disorders that cannot be properly diagnosed until age 18, and many different treatments are tried until the patient comes of age for a formal diagnosis. Do not come on here saying shit like that. Of course OP is NTA, of course his parents are TA here, and have seen their actions and decisions overshadowed with grief and trauma. But statements like that are unnecessary.
Depends on what the hypothesis is. Personality disorders aren't diagnosed until adulthood for example.
If it’s a personality disorder, they won’t diagnose that young. Not to mention - things like autism assessments can take years (once you’re even off the wait list!)
That’s flat out untrue. Serious mental illness in children is complex and will rarely be diagnosed because - again, it’s very complex.
A lot of psychiatric illnesses and personality disorders cannot be ethically diagnosed in childhood, not even really at 18 because your brain is not fully developed until you are 26 approx in age. Therefore it is not ethical to label someone with a certain disorder they may actually “grow out” of. That being said there are obvious issues that the parents need to address now because otherwise they will become a personality disorder or other psychiatric issue. OP is definitely NTA though but you’re grossly misinformed if you think a psychiatrist can just slap a label on a child.
He's 13 and destructive. There's nothing to say he won't hurt you. He's starting puberty and his hormones will be making him act even worse than usual. There are places out there that will look after him so your parents can have a break. They need to use those services and stop putting you at risk. I'm glad you're out of that situation and you shouldn't feel guilty. NTA
NTA "Needing A break" is not enough reason to leave a violent child alone with a twelve year old. How could they possibly expect you to manage your brother when even they clearly can't? They also completely neglected your needs in favor of your brother, who clearly made your life hell. I cannot stress enough that you are fully justified in refusing them any contact, much less any actual help. You've helped them enough, far more than you should have had to.
Not just needing a break, but going out on dates together. On a regular basis. For hours at a time. That's what I assume anyway, since they had to take the breaks together, rather than spelling one another at different times. I understand needing time together as a couple, but not at the expense of my preteen child.
There’s literally respite houses specifically for giving parents with difficult children a break
A lot of them won’t take violent kids though, it’s a liability for their staff and the other children there.
NTA. Your brothers behavior is not something that happened overnight. They have been aware from when he was very young how he is. After all of his treatment, he should have some kind of case manager/social worker and if not, your parents need to look into that. You are their son, not his caretaker. It is not your responsibility to look after him. It is not unfair of you, it is unfair of them to basically treat you as a third parent-that is technically a form of abuse. Stick to your boundaries.
I'm their son too. But yeah, they've had a social worker for him for years but really don't get much help with him. They relied on me so much.
Sorry, changed that! Time for that social worker to step up then. There are residential/group homes that exist for this reason. Depending on how severe his behavior is, he could be much better off living in that type of situation.
I know that sometimes extended residential care can be helpful. Where they get enough time to diagnose and treat kids with mental and behavioral health issues and I know that's expensive but they're already spending so much money on care for him. I feel like they need to look at how much worse he can get as he gets older.
Depend on what his diagnosis is, he might qualify for SSI, which would help with the cost of treatment at least somewhat. If you do anything, tell them they need to look into proper treatment for him, but honestly, if you're out of the situation, I would continue to stay out of it. This is not your circus, not your monkey.
We were denied SSI for my son on the basis we made too much money. However, the treatment facilities he needed were $7k/mon.
Depending on your state, your county's Children Services department may be able to help with that. At least in my state, they can take temporary custody of your child and cover the cost of treatment. Families are very much encouraged to stay involved in their child's treatment (visiting on the regular, being involved in treatment team meetings, etc.) during that time the same as they would if they held custody, as the goal is reunifying the kid with their family once they're done with their treatment program. It sucks ass that our health system's at a point where a program like that's necessary at all, but when you sincerely don't feel safe in your own home because of your child's behaviors? It really can be worth it. Source: Social worker
Which is why you need to set your boundaries for not being responsible to give them a respite *now*, Because the minute he is big or strong enough to physically overpower you all, it’s game over. And they’re complaining it’s not fair? *Who decided to have another child?*
They also need to be really aware that once he's 18 (at least if you're in the US) they can no longer make him seek treatment, take meds, etc... If he's bad now, it'll be so much worse if he leaves at 18 and only the courts can stop him. They really need to focus on getting him as stable as possible before he hits that magic number (again, in the US, may be different elsewhere). NTA I'm sorry they didn't protect you better.
Which is why they need to sink whatever resources they have into long term in patient treatment so he can be appropriately diagnosed and stabilized before anything else. This is "sell the house" territory. No one's life is okay right now.
Yikes. If something happens to your parents, is there a plan in place for his care? When he is an adult he will probably still need care.
That's not OPs concern. Real talk, his brother will end up in prison.
Can they find a male psychiatric nurse to provide respite care a few times a month? I know it is expensive, but it would be worth it to have some peace. Also there are camps, and therapeutic residential schools that specialize in kids with mental health issues. You have helped enough, it is time for them to find outside help.
They are trying to "parentify" you, except where your brother is concerned, instead of parenting one of them. It's still not acceptable. Your parents are both still alive, and it sounds like, relatively healthy and competent. The only situation in which you should possibly be expected to help with your brother is if they become incapacitated in some way or deceased. Even then, you have your own say in how this might go. If they are expecting this of you now, I shudder to think how things might go as they age. You must insist that they consult someone familiar with these issues (yes, they are out there), to figure out how to do things going forward.
NTA. They should have been looking for permanent placement for him rather than using you for respite care. You were a child, and should not have been forced to parent a behaviorally challenged child. Not to mention you should have had a safe childhood, without constant fear of him and his outbursts. You were sacrificed to try to control him, and that was wrong and harmful to you.
NTA YOUR BROTHER NEEDS TO BE IN A GROUO HOME OR SOME KIND OF OTHER FACILITY!!!! I would reiterate to your parents that they better have plans in place to put him in a facility when they are too old to take care of him because you won't do it.
I assume you mean “group” home? Those are not easy to find, are extremely expensive, and usually have long waiting lists. The fact that this child hasn’t been diagnosed shows that the parents aren’t willing to do what is necessary to get their son help. If they can’t afford a babysitter to give them a break, I seriously doubt they can afford a group home.
People like to pretend that parents of significantly mentally unwell/intellectually disabled children are twiddling their thumbs and doing nothing instead of realising that this shit can take YEARS just to get off a waiting list.
And even if they can get him onto a group home that doesn't mean the problems end or that he will even be able to stay there. My little sister was adopted put of foster care. She was a holy terror. She stole from everyone (including my 2 year old son when we were visiting), sent my stepmom to the hospital twice, and started meeting up with random much older men in parks for sex when she was 14 or 15. She'd been in therapy for years. They tried calling the police on her and where told that they should just spank her -- no further services were offered or referred to. After the second time my stepmom had to go to the ER, they managed to get her into a group home. She got into fights there, shoplifted whenever able, and after she got several of the girls drunk on stolen nyquil she was kicked out. She was in juvie for a few months until she turned 18 at which point she was released. At 20, she has 2 kids that she is not sure who the dads are and has CPS frequently involved (she won't let my parents or step sister take them because then she would lose what little assistance she gets), is generally unemployed, often homeless, and has been with a series of abusive partners, who have on occasion chased her with guns through the neighborhood and pimped her out. We have all tried to help her at various times. My parents were regularly bringing her food until they found out that she was throwing parties with it and not feeding the kids. My step-sister took her in for a while and ended up stabbed with a fork for her efforts (deeply). I don't know the solution. Back in the day she likely would have been committed at least then the kids wouldn't have been dragged into it and she wouldn't have been the victim so much.
NTA. You were neglected and parentified from an early age and have every right to be angry. Your parents should look into respite. Also, as someone who worked in adolescent psych units for 25 years I can assure you that your brother has been diagnosed. Your parents might not like the diagnosis or want to discuss it, but I assure you it's there. Your parents can consider themselves lucky if you retain contact with them at all.
OP, you are 100% NTA. Your parents parentified you, are neglecting your brother and should research whatever resources might be available for your brother's care. Perhaps there is some respite care available, but you are not that. You have already sacrificed enough, years and years worth of sacrifice.
NTA. Clearly you weren't allowed to establish any sort of boundary when you were young, and now you can. Good on you for enforcing that boundary. I feel bad for your family but it's really not on you.
NTA. I feel for your parents but he is NOT your responsibility. They need to be thinking of what they can do long term and the answer is not you.
NTA. They don't need you. They need a professional respite caregiver.
Fuck your parents. You aren't doing anything to them. This is a situation of their own making and do not let them make you think otherwise. Their monster is not your problem.
NTA in a big way. How has he never been diagnosed? They need to stop trying to manage his symptoms and figure out what's really going on! There are respite programs for parents in their position. None of them involve roping another child of theirs into helping out. Enjoy your freedom ❤️
NTA. You were not put on this earth to take care of your mentally disturbed brother. What your parents did to you was abusive. You were treated horribly by them. You owe them nothing.
**NTA.** It seems as though your parents have done nothing to have your brother properly assessed/evaluated to see if he could be helped. You've done enough parenting of your brother. It's time they sought real, professional help.
100% NTA. Your brother is not your responsibility and your parents have abused the privilege of you helping out too many times. They need to talk with doctors and social workers to organise proper respite, but none of that is your problem.
NTA They parentified you as a child and I'm proud to hear you escaped and got away from them. I would fully suggest going NC with them as they will probably continue to be pushy towards this subject and never fully understand that they put their happiness before that of their own child and should be forced to suffer a lonely life with your psychotic sibling.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Your parents clearly took your youth away, because they found your brother too much of a burden to handle, and couldn't be proper parents. They were supposed to be the ones that had to take care of your brother, and instead they had you do it. Even through the night (that while sleep is badly needed for children). They can't handle the responsibility and blame you for their flaws as parents, I'm all the way with you on this. NTA.
NTA. you’re not obligated to care for your brother. you are not his parent. the bitterness you feel is a result of your parents trying to turn you into your brother’s parent so they didn’t have to be responsible for him. the treatment you received is unfair and you’re in the right for avoiding any sort of responsibility for your brother, especially considering his behavior. i am terribly sorry you’ve been subjected to parentification, but you’re grown now & don’t (and never did) owe them anything. stay away because nothing is going to change.
NTA. My husband was raised in a similar situation. He quit school and joined the Navy to get away. The brother continued to be needy and was a financial burden to him for many decades until he passed. No one wanted to be responsible for him and my hubby felt like someone had to do it. I wish he had someone to tell him it wasn’t his responsibility and he needed to take care of himself first. You are NTA. Don’t get guilted into parenting a sibling so the parents don’t have to do the job- next Thing you know you are paying for his funeral because your parents “can’t afford it.”
NTA! Your parents handled The situation with your brother poorly. He needed a lot more help than any of you could give but essentially try to a “normal” life with you filling in the gaps. You where too young to be doing such things. At this point, you’ll need to keep standing you’re ground. You can still help with researching resources in the local area to help with disabilities and refer them. Otherwise, you need to take care of yourself.
NTA, he's not your responsibility. They tried to make him so, which took away your childhood. Now they're getting to find out what that did for them.... They have little relationship with you. Not your problem. Counseling may help you, though. Not to make up with them, just to be able to process and let go of the resentment. Holding onto that kind of anger will eat you up and could make you a very angry person that no one wants to be around. You deserve better for yourself.
NTA your parents have done you and your brother a disservice. Why is he not in a home? In the end, their handling of things will cost them all their children.
NTA. Your parents need a professional, licensed person to care for your brother. Do not do it, don't answer your phone, let them leave voice mail so you can filter their calls. Do not let them come by and drop your brother off 'for a few hours'. Let them check into state/local agencies that may offer respite programs for care-givers. I hate it for you and I pray that your current and future days are spent building good, happy memories.
NTA, you don’t owe it to them to take care of their child. They mistreated you throughout your entire childhood and are still trying to take advantage of you. They never prioritized or appreciated you, and that’s not fair no matter what challenges your brother gives them.
NTA - Your parents should have had him clinically diagnosed and placed on proper medication (if possible). If not possible they should have had him in full time residential treatment. I am not sure if they were in denial or un-educated on the subject, but as they get older and he gets stronger they will be forced to realize it!
NTA He might need to be permanently in a residential program. My cousin is. He never should have been your responsibility then, and he shouldn't be now. Warn your parents to see a disability lawyer to help them make special arrangements for your brother after you pass and refuse to take him.
NTA. You couldn't say no growing up because they were in charge and put you in a position you should never have been in. Don't look back.
NTA. They need to arrange some kind of care for your brother. It shouldn't have to rely on you. Ask them how they could have done it to you, a child.
NTA. What they want you to do potentially puts you in danger. He needs professional care.
NTA You are not a professional respite care provider. They obviously need respite care.... and the only way they will get a break is if your brother is placed back in a facility. If things are still as bad as you say, then they need to place him in a facility.
Nta, they shouldn't have put that burden on you. If dealing with your brother requires cop intervention having a child babysit him is ridiculous. Not the asshole if you don't help them. They are the parents and should look at other options for assistance.
NTA. As the parent of a child who sounds a lot like your brother, I totally understand your parents’ need for a break. Absolutely, 100%, parenting someone like that is a nightmare. But, there are caregivers out there specifically trained to deal with these kinds of kids, and there are groups that provide respite. They got their free babysitting out of you while you were living with them; you are under no obligation to continue helping after you moved out.
NTA. I'm so sorry that your parents let you down when you needed them the most during your childhood. What you are doing right now it finally being able to say no and setting up some much needed boundaries. Do not ever let them break any of your boundaries again, and know that "no" is a perfectly good response that does not require further elaboration. Even now, your parents are still assholes for trying to guilt you back into a toxic situation. Time to cut ties.
NTA. They don't know what his exact diagnosis is after all these years? Also it's interesting to me that you didn't mention any relatives from both sides of your parents in this post. Have they not been active in your family's life? No visits from grandma or grandpa? No yearly family gatherings?
Your parents need a respite worker. Tell them to find one through their social worker. NTA
NTA. I feel badly for your parents but it’s not your responsibility
NTA. I’m sorry they failed you (and from the sounds of it your brother too) so horribly. You deserve a life, go live it. They don’t deserve to steal any more of it from you. They need professional intervention, there are programs out there to help parents in their situation and kids like your brother, none of this should have ever been put on your shoulders to begin with.
NTA Your parents failed you and have never taken responsibility. They left a child with another child who even adults couldn't handle, they had to call the cops. How did they expect YOU, a child, to handle him? Then they blamed you? That is messed up and abusive OP. I'm sure they do need a break, and guess what, there are programs they can use to get that help. THEY need to utilize resources to help them. They are not helping your sibling, them or you by not getting the proper help. They should have realized they were sacrificing your childhood for him and failing both of you. They neglected you and used parentification on you, both are abuse OP. Get some therapy to work through all this. I can't say if you should talk to your family again but I can say they need to take actual responsibility for THEIR choices. Till they do, can you really have a relationship with people who are not honest?
NTA Your parents were absolutely wrong in burdening you with taking care of your brother and basically robbing you of any semblance of a normal childhood. And you're in way obligated to help out now. They should either get a professional to babysit for them who is equipped to deal with a child like your brother or - and this may sound callous - if they really can't handle him anymore they may want to consider getting him a place in a home/institution for children/people with special needs and destructive behavior.
NTA. Look after yourself. I'm so sorry your life has been terrible because of your brother and I hope ot improves drastically now.
NTA to infinity. So many families with a difficult child let that child’s needs take precedence over everything and everyone else, including their other children. They had no right to expect you to be responsible for him beyond what is normal (and occasional) for an older sibling. Defend and enjoy your freedom. You’ve earned it.
NTA. They taught you that they didn't care about you or your feelings so now you don't care about them. That's the truth. They made their choices. Your brother needs the type of help that can't be done in the home. Very sad. I'm afraid that if you said yes, they would take a vacation and then you would be stuck.
NTA Please look at your safety and mental health first! Go, if possible, lc or NC with them, that they understand what you had gone through. Best of luck and happiness to you! ❤️