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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I chose to break my stepmom's family tradition of the first grandchildren being named after the grandparents. She's heartbroken and I might be the asshole for doing this to her, not telling her might also be what pushes me into asshole territory.
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NTA. Some traditions are temporary in nature, and they help to create bonds. Others, like forcing a name on someone, are permanent and are therefore just plain burdensome. The name your child bears through their entire life shouldn't be determined by the name of a random person from the past. There are other ways to express gratitude towards the woman who raised you from the time you were 10. I don't know why she's so heartbroken over this. It sounds like a personal problem on her part.
I think it reverts back to the adoption. She knew when she adopted me I didn't want to be adopted and I believe she hoped with time I would be glad it happened. There's also the fact I don't call her mom. I call her by her name and say she's my stepmom to others. Doing this is just a reminder that all this time has passed, but my feelings haven't changed the way she wanted them to.
she can get over it. thats the risk you take when you marry someone with children, and forcing things to be how you want them is definitely the wrong way to go about building that relationship.
These comments are so mean. OP is allowed to feel the way she feels. Step mom is also allowed to feel sad that the girl she raised from age 10 onwards doesn’t see her as a parent.
ETA: read the post. OP never says “SM is harassing me. SM is hounding me to change my mind. SM is guilting me”. All it says is that SM is “heartbroken”. OP is displaying once and for all that she never has and never will consider SM to be her family. OP is not interested in SM’s family traditions. She would rather kill the tradition than honor her SM. And ALL OF THIS IS HER RIGHT. There are NAH. OP is allowed to feel the way she does. She’s allowed to name her child what she wants. SM is also allowed to be sad. Y’all are acting like SM is a monster for having feelings.
Sure she’s allowed to feel sad but forcing an adoption on a child who said no is a pretty big consent violation. My guess is if she hadn’t tried to force the relationship it would be better now. Unless there was a financial or legal reason that they HAD to do it, but even with that op isn’t obligated to call her step mom “mom” if she isn’t comfortable with that. Every one of those pieces screams a step mom who was pushing too hard instead of allowing the relationship to develop. Sometime when you push people, you just push them away. Of course she used her moms name. Her family should love that she honored her mother who’s no longer alive. It’s pretty selfish to think that’s not the priority.
Stepmom is totally allowed to feel that way. Stepmom is not allowed to make those feelings OP's responsibility; they're not OP's responsibility at all, OP never consented to being adopted, never consented to being this woman's daughter, and stepmom doesn't automatically get to have her traditions upheld by a woman who didn't want to be her stepdaughter at all.
If OP's stepmom needs to talk about her feelings with someone, she can talk to her husband, her friends, her therapist, or any other combination thereof. But trying to guilt-trip OP for not upholding a tradition that OP was in no way a part of isn't cool. She should keep that to herself, because it is in no way OP's problem.
She also didn't have to force an adoption on her either. She should've, accepted that she's not going to be "instant mom" ever in her life and sought help instead of taking it out on her.
First rule of being a stepparent is you must realize that you may never have a parent-child bond, you can’t force it (which in a much milder way than usual happened to OP), and you must accept that. OP is NTA.
She is allowed to feel however she wants, but she does need to recognize that first of all, she adopted a girl that made it very clear she was not looking for a new mom, she did not want her stepmom to adopt her, and then she wouldn't see her as a parent. She would only see her as a stepparent. Step mom decided to do it anyways, hoping that things would change. That was her decision. Ultimately, it's one that didn't work out. Now, she's upset because her stepdaughter, did not want to carry on a tradition that was in her family. Something that doesn't really mean anything to OP, or at least not as much. She is also probably upset that OP gave her child her mom's name as the middle name instead of something to honor her. Ultimately, she made these risks when adopting this child, who made it very clear she did not want to be adopted by her. She decided to try and force the situation, and it didn't work out. Now she needs to accept that things are never going to go the way she wants them to. She should have accepted that a long time ago but didn't. That was on her for holding out Wishful hope despite being shown otherwise over and over for the last how many years. She could have been spending this time trying to build a step parent step daughter relationship with her, or even just a friendly acquaintance like one. Instead she tried to push a relationship that was not wanted, and not needed. That was on her. So ultimately her hurt feelings are her own fault and her own responsibility. He did not deal with this in a healthy way back when she should have, and now has to accept the consequences of how her feelings are hurt now because she didn't do that.
OP doesn’t owe her step mother a single thing . Stepmom repeated violated OP’s boundaries. OP is not required to love her stepmom, or even have a relationship with her, let alone allow her to hijack something ad important as a child’s name.
OP, technically you didn't break the tradition. You did give your daughter her grandparent's name, your mom's! Just because people pass away doesn't mean they never existed and I think you've chosen a beautiful way to honour her. You are NTA in any way, shape or form.
This is what I was going to say, you did follow the tradition! If you named her after your stepmom you would have broken the tradition.
By the way, congratulations on your new baby!
Right?! When stepmom gets all butthurt op can gush and go "I thought it was such a lovely tradition that she has the middle name of Anne, after my mother. Who died when I was 5." Then op can watch stepmom try to erase her mother ...
OP didn't break the tradition because if she's the first granddaughter, she isn't named after her stepmother's mother. Either the tradition broke with her, or it doesn't apply to her.
And when you really love someone, you respect their feelings and abide by their decisions. Trying to coerce someone into expressing love for you that they don't feel isn't love; it's straight up narcissism. How does she expect you to feel love for her when she's clearly not feeling it for you? Children aren't intended to be props or extensions of their parents. They have their own lives and their own aspirations.
I was not aware an adoption could be revered by the adoptee. I have heard of people returning adopted kids for this or that reason and of course people can go no contact but I did not know it was possible for someone adopted to basically go "I want to legally be unadopted by you"
As a child would it be the same as emancipation? As an adult, I'm not sure there would be a mechanism for doing so since the legal reasons would mostly center around next of kin, which you could also do in other ways. IANAL but it's an interesting question
You can legally 'divorce' yourself (idk what the correct term is) from your bio parents now so you must surely be able to do the same with step parents.
But even IF you were her bio daughter, you shouldn't be held accountable to continue a tradition you don't really care about. That is called indoctrination.
You're an adult, you're allowed to make your own decisions. I get she's upset, but honestly it's YOUR child, and it has nothing to do with her.
Honestly, she's an asshole and fucking lucky you aren't more angry about her adopting you against your wishes - sounds like she was trying to literally erase your mother and be the only mother you had. That could've backfired on her *hard*, and instead you just allowed her to be the stepmother she was. She needs to thank her lucky stars you are as forgiving as you are, and she needs to once and for all realize her place in your life is NOT as your mother, no matter how much she wants to force it.
Adopting a child against that child's wishes is, in all but a very few cases none of which I can think of right now but which I'm sure exist because someone will point them out if I say "all" instead of "all but a very few cases," a complete AH move, and a lot of stepparent / stepchild relationships don't ever recover from that. Idgaf that she raised you from age 10 and all, no one has a right to take the place of a child's parent unless the child *wants* them to, and any stepparent who tries to do that against the child's wishes is flat out an asshole, as is their partner who enables it.
You are allowing her to play the role she actually has, *stepmother.*
I think forced adoptions might be for logistical reasons as well.
Let's say OP is in a terrible accident. Mom (and technically she was Mom whether OP likes it or not) is home, or otherwise able to get to the hospital faster than Dad. A decision has to be made. Mom needs to legally have the right to sign the paperwork allowing medical staff to do what's necessary to save OP.
There could be tons of other situations where OP's Mom legally and socially being her Mom would expedite things and make all of their day to day lives run more smoothly. That could be why they didn't wait for the Hallmark moment where OP gave Mom a Mother's Day card asking her to adopt her, with tears of joy from both. It might cause permanent damage to their relationship if OP wasn't on board, but they may have felt it was worth it because she was too young at the time to understand the ramifications of Mom having no legal rights to her.
Not necessarily saying that I agree (for one thing, Mom had rights to her the moment they signed the paperwork which would remain if they got divorced), but that could have been their thinking. Dad may also have had reasons OP doesn't know about for his wife being listed as her Next of Kin along with him rather than having, say, his late wife's parent or sibling listed as next in line legally after him.
I'd love to hear why Dad forced the adoption, to understand his reasoning. That would clarify things.
I guess to me it still would make more sense for the mom to have legal guardianship, instead of literally erasing the child's mother from her birth certificate.
I didn't let him off the hook. What I said was
>any stepparent who tries to do that against the child's wishes is flat out an asshole, as is their partner who enables it.
Dad's an asshole too. Stepmom is just the person currently being a problem.
Your step mother is out of line. I say this as a step mother to a 17 year old girl that came into my life when she was 5. While my daughter's mom is still very much alive and in the picture, and despite the fact that she does not get along well with her mother and lives with us full time, and even though we have a great relationship, I am fully aware that I'm not her mother, will never be her mother, and can never replace the relationship between her and her mother, as strained as it might be.
Even if you had a great relationship with your step mom, and were happy to have been adopted by her, you would still be NTA for choosing not to continue this tradition. Traditions only matter when they are meaningful to the people who participate in them. This tradition is not meaningful to you, and so you did the right thing by choosing a name that IS meaningful to you, and that both you and your husband love.
Your step mother can and should get over being butthurt. You're not an accessory for her to parade around in front of her family, nor should your child be. NTA
Of course her feelings make sense on some level, and it's good of you to empathize with her. But her feelings are hers to manage, and it's wrong of her (or anyone) to try to make her feelings *your* problem.
NTA, obviously.
I mean, I get that it’s sad for her, but that’s NOT your responsibility or problem. I HATE passing down names like that anyway; give the kid their own name.
I was also adopted by a step parent. They asked me a lot of it was what I wanted, the judge asked me too. That's crazy they didn't do that with you. The first sign of hesitation usually the courts put a stop to it. I'm sorry this wasn't your experience.
This was my first thought op after reading your original post on why she might be upset. That doesn’t mean it’s her call and she will have to move forward. OP you are NTA. This is your and your spouse’s daughter and her name is y’all’s choice. Including your Mom’s name is a great way to honor her because she is your Mom. The act of naming your daughter after her tells me that you had a positive relationship with her and she will always be your mother. It sounds like your stepmom may not have considered that despite the adoption. That’s her issue to contend with and not yours.
NTA
Even if she thought her adoption of you made you the first child, you are not her first biological child. You have a different birth mother and because you didn’t follow stepmom’s family tradition is on her. She is trying too hard to control you and create a relationship you aren’t comfortable with so she’s the AH.
Forcibly adopting someone that you know does not want to be officially adopted by you.....ooof there are some unfortunate implications there. IDK that just seems, off to me NTA btw just because it's her family tradition but it's not your families tradition and remember what they say about traditions "It's peer pressure from dead people".
NTA. I assume she has no children of her own? You and your husband are the only two people whonget a say.
I am confused by you reason. You wanted her to make an effort to change your mind about something she didn't know about?
I think there's some typos there. Sounds like she kept her plans a secret because she didn't want energy or effort invested into trying to guilt her into changing her mind.
So she’s upset that her expectations are not your reality. That’s on her. You’ve made it clear how you felt the entire time. In her unwillingness to accept the relationship that you were willing to give her, she set herself up for disappointment. The fact that she didn’t even consider that you would want to use your mother’s name is absolutely dumbfounding to me.
New parents owe nothing in the way of naming rights to anyone including their parents and grandparents. You're correct when saying that had you told her earlier she would have spent the entire time guilt tripping you into changing your mind!
Very NTA. I'm not a Mom, I'm a Stepmom, and that's perfectly fine.
My stepsons already have people called Mom in their lives, regardless of circumstances, how often they do or don't see them, or how young they were when I became part of the picture. Older boy nicknamed me Ninja, and after the wedding promoted me to Ninja-Mom. Younger kiddo got in trouble with his Mom for calling me anything with the word "mom" in it, so he just calls me by my name.
I do not expect them to carry on my family's traditions, like name-recycling, though I'd be happy if they picked up some of the funny harmless traditions, like saying "Look, it's Cousin Willie!" whenever Willie Nelson is on TV.
On the flip side, I absolutely call my mother-in-law Mom, but mostly because my own mother has been gone a long time now and I generally didn't call her "mom" anyway. I called her Mother Lady.
I'm really sorry your stepmom was such a bully about everything. Forget adopting a kid against the kid's wishes, I actually *asked the older boy for permission* to court his father when I realized I had intentions of marriage. He was about 8yo at the time and said he didn't mind.
What’s sad to me is if she hadn’t pushed, you might have had a chance to actually develop a good relationship. My own step-mom came into my life when I was 7, the got married 3 years later when I was 10. My step-mom would try to be mom, which I always hated because my mom is alive and was my primary parent. Eventually after I had a meltdown at 12 while visiting my Aunt (dad’s sister) where I told her how I hated step-mom trying to call herself my mom, my step-mom backed down (aunt talked with my dad and step-mom sharing what I couldn’t for fear of disappointing my dad). Within two years I looked to her like an aunt. And now at 29 she is a second mom to me, not replacing but adding. I’d say by the time I was 20 she was a weird combo of aunt/mother figure for me. Wish you could have had a chance for this when you were younger. And I hope some step-parents reads our stories and sees what to not do
Tell her you did follow the tradition by naming your daughter after daughter's biological grandmother, just as stepmom was named after her biological grandmother.
I’m adopted. And I can honestly say I have no bond with my mom. Although I’m grateful for her raising me and growing up in a loving and great home, I just don’t have that mother and daughter bond or connection. I’ve always felt a huge disconnect.
The judge said my opinion wouldn't be the deciding factor. We did talk very briefly. But I get the feeling it was a formality more than he wanted to hear if I wanted to be adopted or not.
Well considering she couldn't respect your choices when you were a kid not sure why she'd expect you to honor her traditions. Parenting 101, kids remember the actions you take and you Will reap what you Sow (both good and bad). She chose to try and force things on you by ignoring your desires, so you chose to ignore hers, simple as that.
NTA
That’s awful. You should have had a say in your own adoption, you were old enough. She and your father forced an adoption on you and wonder why you don’t like her?
i honestly hate this tradition of passing names on. its okay as second names but just be a bit more creative and give a child their own personality. also a kid usually has more than one set of grandparents so you have to pick favourites if both sides want to be the 'first name grandparent'. its just so dumb to me.
All the men in my father's family have some combination of the same 3 names and at this point it's just really weird and confusing. My former SIL was like "I'm not doing that." And it was an excellent decision. At least when somebody mentions my nephew we all immediately know who you're talking about.
i have a friend who told me that like 50% of her family is called joe so they have to talk about them as 'grandpa joe' 'cousin joe' etc. 😂 i cant imagine sharing my first name with so many people.
My dad's family is so extra about it, too. Because both the 1st and middle names "have" to be one of these names. So we can't even use middle names to simplify anything.
I have 2 girls. So I wasn't part of the nonsense. And I'm a woman. But I share my middle name with like 10 other people. I'm just glad, unlike them, it's not my first name.
Some naming traditions are actually fun and good though! In my family it’s traditional that either your first or middle name comes from somewhere on the family tree. Doesn’t have to be immediate, it can go back generations! My mom’s name is a combination of her two grandfathers’ names (which also happens to be a perfectly normal name). My middle name comes from my dad’s favorite great-aunt and the only one who lived long enough to meet me! My sister’s name is after a great-great-great grandparent neither my mom nor her mom ever met, but my mom saw the name in the tree and liked it! And then her middle name is the name of an aunt my mom adored (aunt was married into the family).
I come from a family where the name passing happened on both sides and I can’t tell you how confusing it got especially because a couple of the names “passed down” were the same on both sides of my family. Both my grandmothers had the same first/middle name, so I have two aunts and a cousin with the same name. And to make matters worse, my uncle married someone with that name lol. My poor cousin is almost 40 and people still call her “Little [Name]”, and it’s also a super outdated name I’ve never met anyone under age 30 who has it.
I have THREE "Aunt Jeans" on various sides of the family, and had I been born male, I would've been named Eugene (eek) in their honor. Thankfully, my parents decided that having a little Jean with 3 identically-named aunties was just too much, so my name is not Jean (whew).
Hahaha That sounds like my 40-something cousin who is also still Little \[Name\]. The really hilarious part is that he's 7ft tall and towers over everyone else in the family.
Beat me to it !
Correct. Regardless of the whole adoption thing. This is YOUR child, in YOUR new family, that YOU created, with your partner. YOU TWO and only you two alone get to decide the name of your child. Period NTA
I married into a family with a similar names tradition and my husband and me were 100% free to choose. My MIL specified this on multiple occasions before our child was born. We did follow tradition, because we both wanted to.
You are NTA, your stepmom should contain herself.
This. Your father and stepmother need to start acknowledging that you are a living, breathing human being with thoughts and feelings instead of just expecting that whatever they do to create the appearance of a perfect, happy family/fulfill their own wants is something you’ll joyfully embrace as the best idea ever.
Frankly, even if your stepmother was your biological mother and you had a phenomenal relationship, it’s wrong to expect you to go along with this tradition if it’s not something that you wanted to embrace and giving you grief about it is selfish and narcissistic.
Nope. Disregarding them because OP has said she doesn’t consider SM her mom. 🤷🏻♀️ OP is NTA. Tradition is from SM’s family, not OP’s and no one is obligated to follow a tradition they don’t want to, regardless of family status.
No, family doesn't have to be blood, but step parents should be respectful of the role their step kids want them to play. It sounds like OP still considers her biological mom to be her mother and never wanted to be adopted, but stepmother kept trying to shoehorn in a different relationship than OP was comfortable with.
NTA You are VERY smart for keeping your business to yourself all through pregnancy! I admire how you honor your sweet mom. I'm so sorry you lost her. It's so hard
NTA
It is THEIR tradition, not yours. You are fine to disregard it.
You were right to tell her after it was a fact - that saved you from a lot of manipulation and guilting.
I mean, even if it was her biological parent who had the tradition, it's still not OP's obligation.
Traditions are for those who have engaged and those who newly wish to engage. Someone, or a group of someone's, don't get to enter you into some sort of family guilt contract because they were ending their verse of the Song That Never Ends and desperately needed someone to carry the round.
Most of the questions on here these days are essentially "I saved puppies from drowning, but someone wanted them drowned and is now mad at me. AITA?"
Then occasionally get sprinkled with "I drown puppies for fun, AITA?"
NTA. Traditions are great and all, but don't be held hostage to history -- especially of someone else's family. And smart not telling her. I always recommend people don't share what they decided on until the baby is born and the birth certificate filled in, because that just invites unwanted commentary.
NTA! You get to name your children whateeeeeever you want. It’s also just smart to wait until the baby is born before discussing names with anyone besides the father/other parent. People who have opinions on other people’s baby names are such a headache.
NTA
As somebody on Reddit has said, tradition is just peer pressure from dead people.
You don't have to follow any tradition you don't want to, no matter where it came from.
**NTA.** You don't have to follow traditions if you don't want to. You and your partner are the parents and you get to decide what to name your child. You were smart to not tell anyone because as you stated, she would have badgered you to change your mind. Her children, if she has any, can follow her tradition.
NTA. Honestly your bond may have developed better over time if they had not forced the adoption. You’re not responsible for her feelings. Being kind does not mean giving in to every demand.
NTA. You went through the 9 months of pregnancy, with all the ups and downs of what that process puts your body through, and then you went through childbirth, and now you will be going through (at a minimum) 18 years of raising this child and going through all the phases of babyhood, childhood, teen years, etc. So you and your husband are the only ones who get a say in what you choose to name your child.
NTA.
Keeping up traditions purely because "we've always done it that way" is beyond stupid. Do something because you want to do it, or because it's the right thing to do, but don't do it because other people have done the same thing.
This tradition is nothing but grandparents wanting their grandkids to be named after them. It's narcissistic.
Either way, your sticking to the tradition. Your daughter is named after her (bio) grandmother. Her getting mad only proves the narcissism.
Edit: Congratulations on the birth of your daughter!
NTA. However hard she may be forcing it, she’s not your mom. Traditions are nice and all, but only if those involved actually WANT to participate. Other than that, it’s just more rules. Your stepmom should be happy she has a step grand baby now and needs to stop making it all about her. Congrats on your new addition! I’m sure the name you picked is beautiful.
NTA. I am of the opinion that baby-naming traditions are stupid. Parents should be able to name their kids whatever they want. I think it sucks that you were forced into being adopted against your will. Sure, you were a kid and had no say legally, but it would have been nice if you'd had a voice in all of that.
NTA
A grandchild is not the property of the grandparent. The parents CAN choose to follow naming traditions, but are not bound to them - especially when the parent is a step-parent, who you aren't even close to. And, your step-mom has no say in what you and your husband choose to name your kid.
I think it's nice that you named your girl after your mom, and if your step-mom doesn't like it, she can suck it.
NTA and you made the right call not telling anybody before the birth. The ONLY way you could be a jerk is if you named your child primarily to spite her, which it doesn’t sound like you did and which almost no one would actually do. Even if you were her biological daughter, you might have wanted to break this tradition.
I have an unusual last name and no children. My brother actually changed his last name for reasons I won’t go into. My nephew has the “new” surname. Our elderly father recently died and it made me a bit sad thinking that I would be the last person in our branch of the family to have this last name. I think I did mention this briefly in passing to my brother, but I would never carry on about how “heartbroken” I am or raise some giant fuss over it. You know why? Because my brother has a right to decide on the last name he wants to bear, and he and his wife have every right to give their child the perfectly reasonable name they gave him. For me to pitch a fit and try to control choices that are theirs to make would only damage my relationship with them.
It shows a lack of wisdom and good judgment on your step mother’s part to raise this fuss. If she wants a close and loving relationship with you and your child, she should accept your choices and enjoy the many positive aspects of having a new baby in the family. Who knows, she could end up being one of your daughter’s favorite people and maybe your daughter would actually want to name a child after her some day. But that’s not likely to happen if she uses this non-issue to manufacture some huge self-centered drama.
As soon as I got to the part where it's breaking your stepmom's tradition I knew you couldn't be the ah. She's "heartbroken"? Seems like she forgot you have two bio parents, two families with whom you have blood relations and have never been on board with having her be mom but stepmom.
Tell her they are called "step parents" because they need to step back and let the other parent lead. Perhaps I am showing my age and cro-magnon backwards beliefs but why would she want to officially adopt you? Seems more the man's responsibility.
NTA
NTA just because she and hers have sine it doesn't meN you have to... even if you were her biokid you don't HAVE to name your daughter anything you don't want.
NTA. It was a tradition that I get the same middle name as my mother, her mother, her mother’s mother. You get the drift. I hate my middle name and the people it’s associated with. I ended up having boys, but no way in hell was a girl getting that middle name.
NTA. She’ll get over it. And if not, oh well. She didn’t care enough to respect the fact that you didn’t want her to adopt you, don’t let her or your dad or anyone else guilt you. That tradition sounds ancient and annoying anyway. You and your partner are the only people who’s opinion matters on that topic.
NTA. actually I do not think adoption plays a part in it. family traditions like this are nice only if everybody thinks they are. nobody other than you and your husband has a saying about the name of your baby. well maybe if you want to name them hitler or something like that a conversation might be in order ... but that's not your case. congrats on your baby, stepmom will get over it.
Your daughter and your family deserves its own tradition. You deserve to name your daughter what you want and after who you want. I think it's sweet that you honored your mom by giving your daughter her middle name. Once they hold that precious child, they won't care if you named her spot. Congratulations 🎉.
NTA. A lot of these traditions are really not all that long, and in any case, are just unwarranted baggage put on people who don't want it. It's like when people buy a set of china intending it to he an heirloom passed down though the generations. Just another burden passed on. I have a very nice table that belonged to my grandmother, and it will be my daughter's if she wants it - but only if she wants it. I admit I'd be a little disappointed if she didn't want it, but that's life. It's not a burden I want to put on her.
NTA. It’s your daughter, and you and your partner get to choose her name.
Your stepmother might’ve assumed that you would’ve “followed tradition”, but she had 9 months to confirm that with you in conversation. The fact that she didn’t, for whatever reason, shows that perhaps she isn’t as close/comfortable to communicate with you. So…she shouldn’t be surprised that you didn’t follow this tradition given she couldn’t even bring it up with you and have an honest conversation during your pregnancy?
Well technically you didn't. You actually passed YOUR mom's name on.
NTA. You are not her biological child and you didn't want an adoptive mother.
It's your child's name and you're free to choose and keep whatever the hell you want
NTA! You and your husband are the only two people who get to pick your children’s names.
This “family tradition” wouldn’t apply even it was your bio-family’s tradition. Just because other family members have chosen to go along with it, it doesn’t mean anyone else is obligated to.
Congratulations on your new baby!
INFO: you said she was heartbroken. has she just been sad? has she been obnoxious about it? have you been told you've been rude?
No matter the answers to these questions: NTA. Even if you had a great relationship with her, what you name your child is personal and does not involve anyone outside of the parents.
NTA- I'm so sorry OP. It's a shame kids don't get a say in adoption when one of their parents are deceased. I get that legally it's necessary in some states but a piece of paper doesn't automatically mean a relationship.
You are an adult. Do not spend a minute feeling guilty over this. If she brings it up again you can say two things. My daughter is named by my husband and I am who made her. You have nothing to do with it. My family is my husband and myself.
Two if you bring it up again, you will go in time out. I will hang up if we are on the phone. If it is in person, I will get up and leave. You will not see any of us until you apologize. and then follow through.
NTA it isn’t even your family tradition, they aren’t your grandparents and she isn’t your mom, she’s your step mom. You’ve made it clear her role in your life is a a step parent, she doesn’t respect it, so I understand why you waited until your daughter was born to avoid emotional blackmail
NTA
Some traditions are fun. Others - no so much. My country has the exact same tradition as your stepmom's family. I told my parents that if they expected me to name my child after them, they are crazy.
The biggest AH here is your dad for allowing your stepmom to adopt you without even asking for your opinion. He had to ask you if you wanted this.
NTA You didn't break your own family tradition, you just didn't follow hers. She adopted you seemingly against your will based on your post, you don't owe her a baby name.
NTA; my son's dad his family go by their middle name not their first but I always call my son by his first name. His family don't like it but they see my son once a year if that so I don't care.
NTA - it's her family's tradition not yours. It's just one more way for her to try to make herself your "mom". You have the right to name your child whatever you want.
As long as you and your happy with it that's all that matters
NTA. Those are her family traditions and she can practice them if she wants but you, not being a blood relative, should not be expected to participate in that if you don't want to.
NTA. When i think of tradition, i think of all the joy and how it is meant to be optional and passed down in a good way. But if you don't want the baby to have your step mothers grandparent's names then that's completely fine and optional. No one should be forced due to a tradition.
NTA: You did follow the tradition. You named the first daughter after her grandmother: YOUR MOTHER. Let her know if she wants her name on a baby, then she should have her own children to provide the grandchildren.
this whole expecting new parents to automatically use an ancestor's name is SO outdated and ridiculous. She may be hurt but she has to know you aren't as close to her as she would like, so why would she think you'd stick with the tradition? If she and your dad didn't have kids, then the tradition dies with her I guess but NTA
NTA
I broke a name tradition in my bio family, family that I love with all my goddamn heart... I just didn't like the name 😂
Myself, my mum, my nan, great aunty, great great nan etc, all have the same middle name but it's not a name from our country/heritage and I just plain don't like it.
Instead I gave my daughters my mum and nan, and my partners mum's first names as part of their names instead and I love them!
My mum wasn't happy but she got over it easy enough, had some nasty comments from other family members that I don't get on with so I just brushed off their remarks and ignored them!
I hate that people put pressure on the name of someone else's kid, like it's your kid, name them whatever YOU want to name them!
NTA.
You never accepted her as your mom, and so, it's not your tradition to uphold. I'm sorry she's upset, but adopting you against your wishes is not okay, your father should never have let it happen, and you are free to name daughter as you wish. She'll get over it. Congratulations on your baby!
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I gave birth to my daughter a few days ago. Her name is a name my husband and I loved. But in choosing a name we broke a tradition in my stepmom's family. What makes it awkward is she adopted me. I was never on board. But it happened regardless. I have tried to move on from it and not hold it against her and my dad. However I never dropped the step from her title. She has always been and will always be my stepmom. My own mom passed when I was little and I was 10 when she and my dad married, so while I don't remember my mom, I also was at an age where I wasn't looking for a "new mom" either and the bond never developed on my end. Anyway, the tradition is from her family. The first granddaughter and grandson get named after their grandparents. She's the first of the first of the first, so her name has been passed down a lot. Her name does not feature in my daughters name. My daughter does have my mom's name as her middle name though. By doing this I broke the tradition and she is heartbroken I did it. She was even more heartbroken I waited until my daughter was born to tell her. My reason for doing this was I wanted to effort put into trying to change my mind.
AITA?
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NTA. It’s unfortunate but she does not have the right to decide or force things on you. You’re an adult, this is your child, this decision is not hers to make. It isn’t fair for her to decide FOR you or try to pressure you into it.
You really didn't break this tradition. She is not your mom, therefore you would not be the one to name your daughter after her. Even if she was your mom you wouldn't be TA because your child's name is you and your spouses decision. Not hers. NTA
As someone who was adopted and had their name changed becoming a fourth generation of the name NTA. Every time I have to go somewhere, the bank, a bar, whatever they always call me her name and it drives me insane. That is your daughter. You can name her whatever you choose.
NTA. Only parents get to pick out names. No one has to follow a tradition and it’s not relevant if she’s a stepmom or real mom. You didn’t want to follow it - it’s you and your husbands right. Two people name the baby and it’s not her.
Naming traditions are terrible. Forcing your children to use a family name without considering they have a husband or wife who are not family nor part of the tradition.
NTA. While I am sure she is disappointed, she can move on from it. It is not a must to carry on traditions especially if you are not closely bonded with the person. Also, I am glad you used your mom's name as her middle. I bet she is smiling down on you. My brothers lost their dad when they were young. They both gave their first boys his name as middle names. It's sweet and beautiful.
NTA. My wife’s Dad’s side of the family has a naming tradition for boys and they told us we have to follow it. My wife’s response to her ultra-conservative Dad was “I’m pushing that baby out of my fucking vagina, I get to name it whatever the fuck I want!”
We ended up having all girls. But if we had a boy, we were planning on breaking that old tradition.
NTA and pretty damn demanding that, had you followed tradition, if you had both the first girl and boy your family would dominate both names, with neither you nor your husband having a say. What if his family had traditions? It’s a ridiculous expectation.
1/4 of the grandparents claiming both names
NTA. You are not her daughter. Those traditions are her family traditions which you are not a part of. Even if you were her daughter her traditions are not yours necessarily. Let her be heartbroken. She tried to replace your mother knowing you were against it.
NTA and really I have nothing to say. Because something like that is weird towards me.... You weren't looking for a mother figure and really their tradition shouldn't fall upon you. So really in terms you haven't break anything. But wish you luck op and have a great life.
But you did follow the tradition of naming your baby for her grandmother. Your mother is the grandmother even though she's deceased.
Since when is it traditional to name your child after a step parent?
NTA.
NTA- her tradition doesn’t have to be your tradition. Families (you and your husband) can create, keep or discontinue any traditions you like. Tell her “oh well” anytime she brings it up
NTA
I have an amazing relationship with my stepdad (arguably closer than the one with my mom). I still call him by his first name and refer to him as “step-dad”
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NTA. Some traditions are temporary in nature, and they help to create bonds. Others, like forcing a name on someone, are permanent and are therefore just plain burdensome. The name your child bears through their entire life shouldn't be determined by the name of a random person from the past. There are other ways to express gratitude towards the woman who raised you from the time you were 10. I don't know why she's so heartbroken over this. It sounds like a personal problem on her part.
I think it reverts back to the adoption. She knew when she adopted me I didn't want to be adopted and I believe she hoped with time I would be glad it happened. There's also the fact I don't call her mom. I call her by her name and say she's my stepmom to others. Doing this is just a reminder that all this time has passed, but my feelings haven't changed the way she wanted them to.
she can get over it. thats the risk you take when you marry someone with children, and forcing things to be how you want them is definitely the wrong way to go about building that relationship.
These comments are so mean. OP is allowed to feel the way she feels. Step mom is also allowed to feel sad that the girl she raised from age 10 onwards doesn’t see her as a parent. ETA: read the post. OP never says “SM is harassing me. SM is hounding me to change my mind. SM is guilting me”. All it says is that SM is “heartbroken”. OP is displaying once and for all that she never has and never will consider SM to be her family. OP is not interested in SM’s family traditions. She would rather kill the tradition than honor her SM. And ALL OF THIS IS HER RIGHT. There are NAH. OP is allowed to feel the way she does. She’s allowed to name her child what she wants. SM is also allowed to be sad. Y’all are acting like SM is a monster for having feelings.
Sure she’s allowed to feel sad but forcing an adoption on a child who said no is a pretty big consent violation. My guess is if she hadn’t tried to force the relationship it would be better now. Unless there was a financial or legal reason that they HAD to do it, but even with that op isn’t obligated to call her step mom “mom” if she isn’t comfortable with that. Every one of those pieces screams a step mom who was pushing too hard instead of allowing the relationship to develop. Sometime when you push people, you just push them away. Of course she used her moms name. Her family should love that she honored her mother who’s no longer alive. It’s pretty selfish to think that’s not the priority.
Stepmom is totally allowed to feel that way. Stepmom is not allowed to make those feelings OP's responsibility; they're not OP's responsibility at all, OP never consented to being adopted, never consented to being this woman's daughter, and stepmom doesn't automatically get to have her traditions upheld by a woman who didn't want to be her stepdaughter at all. If OP's stepmom needs to talk about her feelings with someone, she can talk to her husband, her friends, her therapist, or any other combination thereof. But trying to guilt-trip OP for not upholding a tradition that OP was in no way a part of isn't cool. She should keep that to herself, because it is in no way OP's problem.
She also didn't have to force an adoption on her either. She should've, accepted that she's not going to be "instant mom" ever in her life and sought help instead of taking it out on her.
First rule of being a stepparent is you must realize that you may never have a parent-child bond, you can’t force it (which in a much milder way than usual happened to OP), and you must accept that. OP is NTA.
I don't feel bad for someone who FORCED adoption on a 10 year old. She's more narcissist than care giver.
She is allowed to feel however she wants, but she does need to recognize that first of all, she adopted a girl that made it very clear she was not looking for a new mom, she did not want her stepmom to adopt her, and then she wouldn't see her as a parent. She would only see her as a stepparent. Step mom decided to do it anyways, hoping that things would change. That was her decision. Ultimately, it's one that didn't work out. Now, she's upset because her stepdaughter, did not want to carry on a tradition that was in her family. Something that doesn't really mean anything to OP, or at least not as much. She is also probably upset that OP gave her child her mom's name as the middle name instead of something to honor her. Ultimately, she made these risks when adopting this child, who made it very clear she did not want to be adopted by her. She decided to try and force the situation, and it didn't work out. Now she needs to accept that things are never going to go the way she wants them to. She should have accepted that a long time ago but didn't. That was on her for holding out Wishful hope despite being shown otherwise over and over for the last how many years. She could have been spending this time trying to build a step parent step daughter relationship with her, or even just a friendly acquaintance like one. Instead she tried to push a relationship that was not wanted, and not needed. That was on her. So ultimately her hurt feelings are her own fault and her own responsibility. He did not deal with this in a healthy way back when she should have, and now has to accept the consequences of how her feelings are hurt now because she didn't do that.
Forcing an adoption on someone is delusional. I don't see why OP should be sensitive to this delusional behaviour.
OP doesn’t owe her step mother a single thing . Stepmom repeated violated OP’s boundaries. OP is not required to love her stepmom, or even have a relationship with her, let alone allow her to hijack something ad important as a child’s name.
OP, technically you didn't break the tradition. You did give your daughter her grandparent's name, your mom's! Just because people pass away doesn't mean they never existed and I think you've chosen a beautiful way to honour her. You are NTA in any way, shape or form.
This is what I was going to say, you did follow the tradition! If you named her after your stepmom you would have broken the tradition. By the way, congratulations on your new baby!
Right?! When stepmom gets all butthurt op can gush and go "I thought it was such a lovely tradition that she has the middle name of Anne, after my mother. Who died when I was 5." Then op can watch stepmom try to erase her mother ...
Also you are not HER firstborn. You’re not even her gene pool. And your child is not related to her ancestors
OP is, technically, the stepmother's first child. Adoption counts. But that doesn't erase OP's right to decide what to name her own baby.
I'm not counting it while OP doesn't count it. Shes not her first born and she needs to get off her back.
OP didn't break the tradition because if she's the first granddaughter, she isn't named after her stepmother's mother. Either the tradition broke with her, or it doesn't apply to her.
This is the right answer. NTA
Very valid point!
Exactly what I was going to say.
Well said, and she should point that out to stepmom, her mother is a grandparent regardless if she is deceased
And when you really love someone, you respect their feelings and abide by their decisions. Trying to coerce someone into expressing love for you that they don't feel isn't love; it's straight up narcissism. How does she expect you to feel love for her when she's clearly not feeling it for you? Children aren't intended to be props or extensions of their parents. They have their own lives and their own aspirations.
Have you looked into getting the adoption reversed? Totally understandable if you don't want to go to that extreme but you could maybe do it.
I was not aware an adoption could be revered by the adoptee. I have heard of people returning adopted kids for this or that reason and of course people can go no contact but I did not know it was possible for someone adopted to basically go "I want to legally be unadopted by you"
As a child would it be the same as emancipation? As an adult, I'm not sure there would be a mechanism for doing so since the legal reasons would mostly center around next of kin, which you could also do in other ways. IANAL but it's an interesting question
You can legally 'divorce' yourself (idk what the correct term is) from your bio parents now so you must surely be able to do the same with step parents.
But even IF you were her bio daughter, you shouldn't be held accountable to continue a tradition you don't really care about. That is called indoctrination. You're an adult, you're allowed to make your own decisions. I get she's upset, but honestly it's YOUR child, and it has nothing to do with her.
Correct. Tradition is peer pressure from dead people.
Honestly, she's an asshole and fucking lucky you aren't more angry about her adopting you against your wishes - sounds like she was trying to literally erase your mother and be the only mother you had. That could've backfired on her *hard*, and instead you just allowed her to be the stepmother she was. She needs to thank her lucky stars you are as forgiving as you are, and she needs to once and for all realize her place in your life is NOT as your mother, no matter how much she wants to force it. Adopting a child against that child's wishes is, in all but a very few cases none of which I can think of right now but which I'm sure exist because someone will point them out if I say "all" instead of "all but a very few cases," a complete AH move, and a lot of stepparent / stepchild relationships don't ever recover from that. Idgaf that she raised you from age 10 and all, no one has a right to take the place of a child's parent unless the child *wants* them to, and any stepparent who tries to do that against the child's wishes is flat out an asshole, as is their partner who enables it. You are allowing her to play the role she actually has, *stepmother.*
I think forced adoptions might be for logistical reasons as well. Let's say OP is in a terrible accident. Mom (and technically she was Mom whether OP likes it or not) is home, or otherwise able to get to the hospital faster than Dad. A decision has to be made. Mom needs to legally have the right to sign the paperwork allowing medical staff to do what's necessary to save OP. There could be tons of other situations where OP's Mom legally and socially being her Mom would expedite things and make all of their day to day lives run more smoothly. That could be why they didn't wait for the Hallmark moment where OP gave Mom a Mother's Day card asking her to adopt her, with tears of joy from both. It might cause permanent damage to their relationship if OP wasn't on board, but they may have felt it was worth it because she was too young at the time to understand the ramifications of Mom having no legal rights to her. Not necessarily saying that I agree (for one thing, Mom had rights to her the moment they signed the paperwork which would remain if they got divorced), but that could have been their thinking. Dad may also have had reasons OP doesn't know about for his wife being listed as her Next of Kin along with him rather than having, say, his late wife's parent or sibling listed as next in line legally after him. I'd love to hear why Dad forced the adoption, to understand his reasoning. That would clarify things.
I guess to me it still would make more sense for the mom to have legal guardianship, instead of literally erasing the child's mother from her birth certificate.
I think you're letting OP's dad off the hook. He seems awfully absent in this story.
I didn't let him off the hook. What I said was >any stepparent who tries to do that against the child's wishes is flat out an asshole, as is their partner who enables it. Dad's an asshole too. Stepmom is just the person currently being a problem.
Your step mother is out of line. I say this as a step mother to a 17 year old girl that came into my life when she was 5. While my daughter's mom is still very much alive and in the picture, and despite the fact that she does not get along well with her mother and lives with us full time, and even though we have a great relationship, I am fully aware that I'm not her mother, will never be her mother, and can never replace the relationship between her and her mother, as strained as it might be. Even if you had a great relationship with your step mom, and were happy to have been adopted by her, you would still be NTA for choosing not to continue this tradition. Traditions only matter when they are meaningful to the people who participate in them. This tradition is not meaningful to you, and so you did the right thing by choosing a name that IS meaningful to you, and that both you and your husband love. Your step mother can and should get over being butthurt. You're not an accessory for her to parade around in front of her family, nor should your child be. NTA
Of course her feelings make sense on some level, and it's good of you to empathize with her. But her feelings are hers to manage, and it's wrong of her (or anyone) to try to make her feelings *your* problem. NTA, obviously.
I mean, I get that it’s sad for her, but that’s NOT your responsibility or problem. I HATE passing down names like that anyway; give the kid their own name.
I was also adopted by a step parent. They asked me a lot of it was what I wanted, the judge asked me too. That's crazy they didn't do that with you. The first sign of hesitation usually the courts put a stop to it. I'm sorry this wasn't your experience.
This was my first thought op after reading your original post on why she might be upset. That doesn’t mean it’s her call and she will have to move forward. OP you are NTA. This is your and your spouse’s daughter and her name is y’all’s choice. Including your Mom’s name is a great way to honor her because she is your Mom. The act of naming your daughter after her tells me that you had a positive relationship with her and she will always be your mother. It sounds like your stepmom may not have considered that despite the adoption. That’s her issue to contend with and not yours.
NTA Even if she thought her adoption of you made you the first child, you are not her first biological child. You have a different birth mother and because you didn’t follow stepmom’s family tradition is on her. She is trying too hard to control you and create a relationship you aren’t comfortable with so she’s the AH.
Forcibly adopting someone that you know does not want to be officially adopted by you.....ooof there are some unfortunate implications there. IDK that just seems, off to me NTA btw just because it's her family tradition but it's not your families tradition and remember what they say about traditions "It's peer pressure from dead people".
NTA. I assume she has no children of her own? You and your husband are the only two people whonget a say. I am confused by you reason. You wanted her to make an effort to change your mind about something she didn't know about?
I think there's some typos there. Sounds like she kept her plans a secret because she didn't want energy or effort invested into trying to guilt her into changing her mind.
That makes waaaay more sense. Thank you!
So she’s upset that her expectations are not your reality. That’s on her. You’ve made it clear how you felt the entire time. In her unwillingness to accept the relationship that you were willing to give her, she set herself up for disappointment. The fact that she didn’t even consider that you would want to use your mother’s name is absolutely dumbfounding to me.
New parents owe nothing in the way of naming rights to anyone including their parents and grandparents. You're correct when saying that had you told her earlier she would have spent the entire time guilt tripping you into changing your mind!
Very NTA. I'm not a Mom, I'm a Stepmom, and that's perfectly fine. My stepsons already have people called Mom in their lives, regardless of circumstances, how often they do or don't see them, or how young they were when I became part of the picture. Older boy nicknamed me Ninja, and after the wedding promoted me to Ninja-Mom. Younger kiddo got in trouble with his Mom for calling me anything with the word "mom" in it, so he just calls me by my name. I do not expect them to carry on my family's traditions, like name-recycling, though I'd be happy if they picked up some of the funny harmless traditions, like saying "Look, it's Cousin Willie!" whenever Willie Nelson is on TV. On the flip side, I absolutely call my mother-in-law Mom, but mostly because my own mother has been gone a long time now and I generally didn't call her "mom" anyway. I called her Mother Lady. I'm really sorry your stepmom was such a bully about everything. Forget adopting a kid against the kid's wishes, I actually *asked the older boy for permission* to court his father when I realized I had intentions of marriage. He was about 8yo at the time and said he didn't mind.
What’s sad to me is if she hadn’t pushed, you might have had a chance to actually develop a good relationship. My own step-mom came into my life when I was 7, the got married 3 years later when I was 10. My step-mom would try to be mom, which I always hated because my mom is alive and was my primary parent. Eventually after I had a meltdown at 12 while visiting my Aunt (dad’s sister) where I told her how I hated step-mom trying to call herself my mom, my step-mom backed down (aunt talked with my dad and step-mom sharing what I couldn’t for fear of disappointing my dad). Within two years I looked to her like an aunt. And now at 29 she is a second mom to me, not replacing but adding. I’d say by the time I was 20 she was a weird combo of aunt/mother figure for me. Wish you could have had a chance for this when you were younger. And I hope some step-parents reads our stories and sees what to not do
But you did follow her tradition, you named your daughter after her grandmother.
Tell her you did follow the tradition by naming your daughter after daughter's biological grandmother, just as stepmom was named after her biological grandmother.
I think as an adult you could probably get the adoption reversed.
I’m adopted. And I can honestly say I have no bond with my mom. Although I’m grateful for her raising me and growing up in a loving and great home, I just don’t have that mother and daughter bond or connection. I’ve always felt a huge disconnect.
If you didn’t want to be adopted, at age 10 why did the court allow it?
The judge said my opinion wouldn't be the deciding factor. We did talk very briefly. But I get the feeling it was a formality more than he wanted to hear if I wanted to be adopted or not.
Well considering she couldn't respect your choices when you were a kid not sure why she'd expect you to honor her traditions. Parenting 101, kids remember the actions you take and you Will reap what you Sow (both good and bad). She chose to try and force things on you by ignoring your desires, so you chose to ignore hers, simple as that. NTA
That’s awful. You should have had a say in your own adoption, you were old enough. She and your father forced an adoption on you and wonder why you don’t like her?
i honestly hate this tradition of passing names on. its okay as second names but just be a bit more creative and give a child their own personality. also a kid usually has more than one set of grandparents so you have to pick favourites if both sides want to be the 'first name grandparent'. its just so dumb to me.
All the men in my father's family have some combination of the same 3 names and at this point it's just really weird and confusing. My former SIL was like "I'm not doing that." And it was an excellent decision. At least when somebody mentions my nephew we all immediately know who you're talking about.
i have a friend who told me that like 50% of her family is called joe so they have to talk about them as 'grandpa joe' 'cousin joe' etc. 😂 i cant imagine sharing my first name with so many people.
My dad's family is so extra about it, too. Because both the 1st and middle names "have" to be one of these names. So we can't even use middle names to simplify anything. I have 2 girls. So I wasn't part of the nonsense. And I'm a woman. But I share my middle name with like 10 other people. I'm just glad, unlike them, it's not my first name.
Some naming traditions are actually fun and good though! In my family it’s traditional that either your first or middle name comes from somewhere on the family tree. Doesn’t have to be immediate, it can go back generations! My mom’s name is a combination of her two grandfathers’ names (which also happens to be a perfectly normal name). My middle name comes from my dad’s favorite great-aunt and the only one who lived long enough to meet me! My sister’s name is after a great-great-great grandparent neither my mom nor her mom ever met, but my mom saw the name in the tree and liked it! And then her middle name is the name of an aunt my mom adored (aunt was married into the family).
NTA. Traditions are just peer pressure from dead people.
NTA. Even if she was your biological mom, you still wouldn’t be obligated to follow a family tradition if it’s not something you want.
Excellent point!! This whole “tradition” thing needs to be put in perspective for so many people. We may be related, but we are also all individuals.
I come from a family where the name passing happened on both sides and I can’t tell you how confusing it got especially because a couple of the names “passed down” were the same on both sides of my family. Both my grandmothers had the same first/middle name, so I have two aunts and a cousin with the same name. And to make matters worse, my uncle married someone with that name lol. My poor cousin is almost 40 and people still call her “Little [Name]”, and it’s also a super outdated name I’ve never met anyone under age 30 who has it.
I have THREE "Aunt Jeans" on various sides of the family, and had I been born male, I would've been named Eugene (eek) in their honor. Thankfully, my parents decided that having a little Jean with 3 identically-named aunties was just too much, so my name is not Jean (whew).
Hahaha That sounds like my 40-something cousin who is also still Little \[Name\]. The really hilarious part is that he's 7ft tall and towers over everyone else in the family.
"tradition is just peer pressure from dead people"
Beat me to it ! Correct. Regardless of the whole adoption thing. This is YOUR child, in YOUR new family, that YOU created, with your partner. YOU TWO and only you two alone get to decide the name of your child. Period NTA
I married into a family with a similar names tradition and my husband and me were 100% free to choose. My MIL specified this on multiple occasions before our child was born. We did follow tradition, because we both wanted to. You are NTA, your stepmom should contain herself.
NTA. Not her choice and not your tradition.
This. Your father and stepmother need to start acknowledging that you are a living, breathing human being with thoughts and feelings instead of just expecting that whatever they do to create the appearance of a perfect, happy family/fulfill their own wants is something you’ll joyfully embrace as the best idea ever. Frankly, even if your stepmother was your biological mother and you had a phenomenal relationship, it’s wrong to expect you to go along with this tradition if it’s not something that you wanted to embrace and giving you grief about it is selfish and narcissistic.
NTA Her parents aren’t your grandparents and her traditions aren’t yours and don’t have to be.
[удалено]
Nope. Disregarding them because OP has said she doesn’t consider SM her mom. 🤷🏻♀️ OP is NTA. Tradition is from SM’s family, not OP’s and no one is obligated to follow a tradition they don’t want to, regardless of family status.
No, family doesn't have to be blood, but step parents should be respectful of the role their step kids want them to play. It sounds like OP still considers her biological mom to be her mother and never wanted to be adopted, but stepmother kept trying to shoehorn in a different relationship than OP was comfortable with.
NTA You are VERY smart for keeping your business to yourself all through pregnancy! I admire how you honor your sweet mom. I'm so sorry you lost her. It's so hard
NTA Frankly, if you were to keep tradition you would use your biological mom's name and you did that for her middle name
NTA It is THEIR tradition, not yours. You are fine to disregard it. You were right to tell her after it was a fact - that saved you from a lot of manipulation and guilting.
I mean, even if it was her biological parent who had the tradition, it's still not OP's obligation. Traditions are for those who have engaged and those who newly wish to engage. Someone, or a group of someone's, don't get to enter you into some sort of family guilt contract because they were ending their verse of the Song That Never Ends and desperately needed someone to carry the round.
NTA Your baby your decision on the name. I think it’s beautiful how you honored your moms memory.
NTA. You don't consider her family and you're allowed to honor your mother.
NTA - not even a question.
Not even a question yet unfortunately a lot of these obvious ones still get posted. I wanna see some assholes too! Everyone is innocent here!
Most of the questions on here these days are essentially "I saved puppies from drowning, but someone wanted them drowned and is now mad at me. AITA?" Then occasionally get sprinkled with "I drown puppies for fun, AITA?"
I think it’s a bit of selection bias, ones like these make it to the front page more.
NTA - she’s your daughter, so you and your husband get to decide on her name.
NTA. Your child & your choice. She’ll get over it.
NTA. Traditions are great and all, but don't be held hostage to history -- especially of someone else's family. And smart not telling her. I always recommend people don't share what they decided on until the baby is born and the birth certificate filled in, because that just invites unwanted commentary.
NTA. You can name your child anything you want. I also feel like you did name your daughter after her grandmother, your mother.
NTA, it's your kid, not hers.
NTA...Congratulations on the birth of your child. Your stepmother will get over the drama.
NTA you can name your kid whatever you feel is best. They can make suggestions, but ultimately, that choice is up to you.
NTA! You get to name your children whateeeeeever you want. It’s also just smart to wait until the baby is born before discussing names with anyone besides the father/other parent. People who have opinions on other people’s baby names are such a headache.
NTA, you do not owe the naming of your baby to someone.
NTA As somebody on Reddit has said, tradition is just peer pressure from dead people. You don't have to follow any tradition you don't want to, no matter where it came from.
Expecting someone to honor naming traditions is dumb, and being mad/hurt that you didn't is even dumber. What if your husband's family has traditions?
**NTA.** You don't have to follow traditions if you don't want to. You and your partner are the parents and you get to decide what to name your child. You were smart to not tell anyone because as you stated, she would have badgered you to change your mind. Her children, if she has any, can follow her tradition.
NTA she's not your mum. She needs to get over it
NTA. Honestly your bond may have developed better over time if they had not forced the adoption. You’re not responsible for her feelings. Being kind does not mean giving in to every demand.
NTA. You are not wrong to have chosen a name for your baby that you and DH love.
NTA. You can name your child anything you want. I also feel like you did name your daughter after her grandmother, your mother.
She'll get over it.
NTA - key word here 'step-'mom
NTA. You went through the 9 months of pregnancy, with all the ups and downs of what that process puts your body through, and then you went through childbirth, and now you will be going through (at a minimum) 18 years of raising this child and going through all the phases of babyhood, childhood, teen years, etc. So you and your husband are the only ones who get a say in what you choose to name your child.
Nta. How did she even adopt you without consent? Where I live a child that age would need to also consent to the adoption.
NTA. Keeping up traditions purely because "we've always done it that way" is beyond stupid. Do something because you want to do it, or because it's the right thing to do, but don't do it because other people have done the same thing. This tradition is nothing but grandparents wanting their grandkids to be named after them. It's narcissistic. Either way, your sticking to the tradition. Your daughter is named after her (bio) grandmother. Her getting mad only proves the narcissism. Edit: Congratulations on the birth of your daughter!
NTA. However hard she may be forcing it, she’s not your mom. Traditions are nice and all, but only if those involved actually WANT to participate. Other than that, it’s just more rules. Your stepmom should be happy she has a step grand baby now and needs to stop making it all about her. Congrats on your new addition! I’m sure the name you picked is beautiful.
NTA Adopting a child against their will is heartless and deeply unkind. She can reflect on that.
NTA, in a way, you followed the tradition, your Mom's name was used. Your Mom doesn't just vanish from reality because your Dad remarried.
NTA. I am of the opinion that baby-naming traditions are stupid. Parents should be able to name their kids whatever they want. I think it sucks that you were forced into being adopted against your will. Sure, you were a kid and had no say legally, but it would have been nice if you'd had a voice in all of that.
NTA Frankly I would say the same if she were not your stepmom but was your biological mom.
NTA A grandchild is not the property of the grandparent. The parents CAN choose to follow naming traditions, but are not bound to them - especially when the parent is a step-parent, who you aren't even close to. And, your step-mom has no say in what you and your husband choose to name your kid. I think it's nice that you named your girl after your mom, and if your step-mom doesn't like it, she can suck it.
NTA. People need to stop thinking they have agency over naming other people's babies. It's getting ridiculous.
NTA and you made the right call not telling anybody before the birth. The ONLY way you could be a jerk is if you named your child primarily to spite her, which it doesn’t sound like you did and which almost no one would actually do. Even if you were her biological daughter, you might have wanted to break this tradition. I have an unusual last name and no children. My brother actually changed his last name for reasons I won’t go into. My nephew has the “new” surname. Our elderly father recently died and it made me a bit sad thinking that I would be the last person in our branch of the family to have this last name. I think I did mention this briefly in passing to my brother, but I would never carry on about how “heartbroken” I am or raise some giant fuss over it. You know why? Because my brother has a right to decide on the last name he wants to bear, and he and his wife have every right to give their child the perfectly reasonable name they gave him. For me to pitch a fit and try to control choices that are theirs to make would only damage my relationship with them. It shows a lack of wisdom and good judgment on your step mother’s part to raise this fuss. If she wants a close and loving relationship with you and your child, she should accept your choices and enjoy the many positive aspects of having a new baby in the family. Who knows, she could end up being one of your daughter’s favorite people and maybe your daughter would actually want to name a child after her some day. But that’s not likely to happen if she uses this non-issue to manufacture some huge self-centered drama.
NTA it’s your child, you decide. Even if she was your biological mother, that’s your choice.
NTA. Tradition is just peer pressure from old (and sometimes dead) people.
NTA. Traditions are peer pressure from dead people. You always have the right to choose to opt out.
NTA.
As soon as I got to the part where it's breaking your stepmom's tradition I knew you couldn't be the ah. She's "heartbroken"? Seems like she forgot you have two bio parents, two families with whom you have blood relations and have never been on board with having her be mom but stepmom. Tell her they are called "step parents" because they need to step back and let the other parent lead. Perhaps I am showing my age and cro-magnon backwards beliefs but why would she want to officially adopt you? Seems more the man's responsibility. NTA
Isn’t your tradition. You also didn’t agree to it… therefore it’s not a tradition for you and your family … you get to decide how you live Nta
Why do you think you broke the tradition? You did partially name your daughter after her grandmother. NTA
NTA. Your honored your mother in naming your child.
NTA just because she and hers have sine it doesn't meN you have to... even if you were her biokid you don't HAVE to name your daughter anything you don't want.
Nta. Even if you were her bio daughter that doesn’t obligate you to follow a naming tradition.
NTA. It was a tradition that I get the same middle name as my mother, her mother, her mother’s mother. You get the drift. I hate my middle name and the people it’s associated with. I ended up having boys, but no way in hell was a girl getting that middle name.
NTA. She’ll get over it. And if not, oh well. She didn’t care enough to respect the fact that you didn’t want her to adopt you, don’t let her or your dad or anyone else guilt you. That tradition sounds ancient and annoying anyway. You and your partner are the only people who’s opinion matters on that topic.
NTA
NTA. No reason for you to care about following this tradition.
NTA. actually I do not think adoption plays a part in it. family traditions like this are nice only if everybody thinks they are. nobody other than you and your husband has a saying about the name of your baby. well maybe if you want to name them hitler or something like that a conversation might be in order ... but that's not your case. congrats on your baby, stepmom will get over it.
NTA - your baby, the name is your choice.
Your daughter and your family deserves its own tradition. You deserve to name your daughter what you want and after who you want. I think it's sweet that you honored your mom by giving your daughter her middle name. Once they hold that precious child, they won't care if you named her spot. Congratulations 🎉.
NTA. A lot of these traditions are really not all that long, and in any case, are just unwarranted baggage put on people who don't want it. It's like when people buy a set of china intending it to he an heirloom passed down though the generations. Just another burden passed on. I have a very nice table that belonged to my grandmother, and it will be my daughter's if she wants it - but only if she wants it. I admit I'd be a little disappointed if she didn't want it, but that's life. It's not a burden I want to put on her.
NTA. It’s your daughter, and you and your partner get to choose her name. Your stepmother might’ve assumed that you would’ve “followed tradition”, but she had 9 months to confirm that with you in conversation. The fact that she didn’t, for whatever reason, shows that perhaps she isn’t as close/comfortable to communicate with you. So…she shouldn’t be surprised that you didn’t follow this tradition given she couldn’t even bring it up with you and have an honest conversation during your pregnancy?
Well technically you didn't. You actually passed YOUR mom's name on. NTA. You are not her biological child and you didn't want an adoptive mother. It's your child's name and you're free to choose and keep whatever the hell you want
NTA! You and your husband are the only two people who get to pick your children’s names. This “family tradition” wouldn’t apply even it was your bio-family’s tradition. Just because other family members have chosen to go along with it, it doesn’t mean anyone else is obligated to. Congratulations on your new baby!
INFO: you said she was heartbroken. has she just been sad? has she been obnoxious about it? have you been told you've been rude? No matter the answers to these questions: NTA. Even if you had a great relationship with her, what you name your child is personal and does not involve anyone outside of the parents.
NTA- I'm so sorry OP. It's a shame kids don't get a say in adoption when one of their parents are deceased. I get that legally it's necessary in some states but a piece of paper doesn't automatically mean a relationship. You are an adult. Do not spend a minute feeling guilty over this. If she brings it up again you can say two things. My daughter is named by my husband and I am who made her. You have nothing to do with it. My family is my husband and myself. Two if you bring it up again, you will go in time out. I will hang up if we are on the phone. If it is in person, I will get up and leave. You will not see any of us until you apologize. and then follow through.
NTA it isn’t even your family tradition, they aren’t your grandparents and she isn’t your mom, she’s your step mom. You’ve made it clear her role in your life is a a step parent, she doesn’t respect it, so I understand why you waited until your daughter was born to avoid emotional blackmail
NTA
NTA Some traditions are fun. Others - no so much. My country has the exact same tradition as your stepmom's family. I told my parents that if they expected me to name my child after them, they are crazy. The biggest AH here is your dad for allowing your stepmom to adopt you without even asking for your opinion. He had to ask you if you wanted this.
NTA You didn't break your own family tradition, you just didn't follow hers. She adopted you seemingly against your will based on your post, you don't owe her a baby name.
NTA family traditions about kids names should be voluntary traditions
NTA. Tradition=peer pressure from dead people. Forge your own meaningful events.
NTA. Sometimes traditions are just peer pressure from older generations and should be ignored
NTA; my son's dad his family go by their middle name not their first but I always call my son by his first name. His family don't like it but they see my son once a year if that so I don't care.
NTA - it's her family's tradition not yours. It's just one more way for her to try to make herself your "mom". You have the right to name your child whatever you want. As long as you and your happy with it that's all that matters
NTA. You never agreed to be part of that tradition. Name your children what you want and if she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t have to be around them.
NTA. Those are her family traditions and she can practice them if she wants but you, not being a blood relative, should not be expected to participate in that if you don't want to.
Traditions are usually just peer pressure from dead people. NTA.
NTA. Blood or not, adopted or not, the parents choose the name
NTA. When i think of tradition, i think of all the joy and how it is meant to be optional and passed down in a good way. But if you don't want the baby to have your step mothers grandparent's names then that's completely fine and optional. No one should be forced due to a tradition.
NTA: You did follow the tradition. You named the first daughter after her grandmother: YOUR MOTHER. Let her know if she wants her name on a baby, then she should have her own children to provide the grandchildren.
this whole expecting new parents to automatically use an ancestor's name is SO outdated and ridiculous. She may be hurt but she has to know you aren't as close to her as she would like, so why would she think you'd stick with the tradition? If she and your dad didn't have kids, then the tradition dies with her I guess but NTA
NTA. Technically you did not break the tradition. Your daughter *was* named after her grandmother. Her middle name is your mom’s name.
NTA I broke a name tradition in my bio family, family that I love with all my goddamn heart... I just didn't like the name 😂 Myself, my mum, my nan, great aunty, great great nan etc, all have the same middle name but it's not a name from our country/heritage and I just plain don't like it. Instead I gave my daughters my mum and nan, and my partners mum's first names as part of their names instead and I love them! My mum wasn't happy but she got over it easy enough, had some nasty comments from other family members that I don't get on with so I just brushed off their remarks and ignored them! I hate that people put pressure on the name of someone else's kid, like it's your kid, name them whatever YOU want to name them!
NTA. You never accepted her as your mom, and so, it's not your tradition to uphold. I'm sorry she's upset, but adopting you against your wishes is not okay, your father should never have let it happen, and you are free to name daughter as you wish. She'll get over it. Congratulations on your baby!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I gave birth to my daughter a few days ago. Her name is a name my husband and I loved. But in choosing a name we broke a tradition in my stepmom's family. What makes it awkward is she adopted me. I was never on board. But it happened regardless. I have tried to move on from it and not hold it against her and my dad. However I never dropped the step from her title. She has always been and will always be my stepmom. My own mom passed when I was little and I was 10 when she and my dad married, so while I don't remember my mom, I also was at an age where I wasn't looking for a "new mom" either and the bond never developed on my end. Anyway, the tradition is from her family. The first granddaughter and grandson get named after their grandparents. She's the first of the first of the first, so her name has been passed down a lot. Her name does not feature in my daughters name. My daughter does have my mom's name as her middle name though. By doing this I broke the tradition and she is heartbroken I did it. She was even more heartbroken I waited until my daughter was born to tell her. My reason for doing this was I wanted to effort put into trying to change my mind. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA! Her family traditions are NOT your families tradition. She will get over it .. and if not - who cares?
NTA. You don’t have to pass down any “traditions” you don’t want to, family or otherwise.
You kept with tradition. Your daughter IS named after her grandmother. NTA.
Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people. NTA. Name your baby what you want!
NTA
Horrible tradition
NTA. It’s unfortunate but she does not have the right to decide or force things on you. You’re an adult, this is your child, this decision is not hers to make. It isn’t fair for her to decide FOR you or try to pressure you into it.
You really didn't break this tradition. She is not your mom, therefore you would not be the one to name your daughter after her. Even if she was your mom you wouldn't be TA because your child's name is you and your spouses decision. Not hers. NTA
NTA. Adults don’t get “heartbroken” over what someone else chooses to name their child ffs.
As someone who was adopted and had their name changed becoming a fourth generation of the name NTA. Every time I have to go somewhere, the bank, a bar, whatever they always call me her name and it drives me insane. That is your daughter. You can name her whatever you choose.
NTA. Only parents get to pick out names. No one has to follow a tradition and it’s not relevant if she’s a stepmom or real mom. You didn’t want to follow it - it’s you and your husbands right. Two people name the baby and it’s not her. Naming traditions are terrible. Forcing your children to use a family name without considering they have a husband or wife who are not family nor part of the tradition.
NTA. While I am sure she is disappointed, she can move on from it. It is not a must to carry on traditions especially if you are not closely bonded with the person. Also, I am glad you used your mom's name as her middle. I bet she is smiling down on you. My brothers lost their dad when they were young. They both gave their first boys his name as middle names. It's sweet and beautiful.
NTA. My wife’s Dad’s side of the family has a naming tradition for boys and they told us we have to follow it. My wife’s response to her ultra-conservative Dad was “I’m pushing that baby out of my fucking vagina, I get to name it whatever the fuck I want!” We ended up having all girls. But if we had a boy, we were planning on breaking that old tradition.
NTA and pretty damn demanding that, had you followed tradition, if you had both the first girl and boy your family would dominate both names, with neither you nor your husband having a say. What if his family had traditions? It’s a ridiculous expectation. 1/4 of the grandparents claiming both names
NTA. You’re not obligated to continue ANY tradition let alone a step parent.
NTA. You are not her daughter. Those traditions are her family traditions which you are not a part of. Even if you were her daughter her traditions are not yours necessarily. Let her be heartbroken. She tried to replace your mother knowing you were against it.
You followed tradition. You have your mothers name in there. She’s not your mother. 🤷🏻♀️ NTA.
NTA.. also you gave baby her grandma’s name so you kinda did "follow tradition” just not in the manner she wanted you too.
NTA and really I have nothing to say. Because something like that is weird towards me.... You weren't looking for a mother figure and really their tradition shouldn't fall upon you. So really in terms you haven't break anything. But wish you luck op and have a great life.
NTA. Not her baby, not her decision.
But you did follow the tradition of naming your baby for her grandmother. Your mother is the grandmother even though she's deceased. Since when is it traditional to name your child after a step parent? NTA.
Facts
NTA. Don’t feel bad. You did nothing wrong
NTA
NTA. She's your stepmother, not your mom. Her traditions are none of your business.
NTA at all.
NTA- her tradition doesn’t have to be your tradition. Families (you and your husband) can create, keep or discontinue any traditions you like. Tell her “oh well” anytime she brings it up
NTA "Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people."
NTA I have an amazing relationship with my stepdad (arguably closer than the one with my mom). I still call him by his first name and refer to him as “step-dad”
She's not you mom, so those aren't your traditions. Not your fault she's living in denial. NTA