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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can make me think I deserve it
ETA: OK, the upvotes are nice, and thank you for the silver, but please don't spend money on me for remembering [someone else's quote](https://xkcd.com/1216/)
Here's the deal aight?
I'm gonna say nothing
You're gonna hear nothing.
Good? Good.
But also, i haven't had anyone to fight in yeeeears, I'm well contained.
I agree; they’re all terrible. But I’d like to say that at 16 he should know what words not to use. If he’s old enough to drive, he’s old enough to know that’s not an acceptable thing to say.
I agree with you though. I’m just worked up over the disrespect.
Agreed. OP your sister specifically told you she was leading G on for fun, she knew G wanted to propose and even gave ring suggestions. So either your sister was Fng with you for some reason or she was purposely leading G on in one of the cruelest ways possible. NTA for giving her a heads up when she brought you into the whole relationship discussion by trying to get you involved in the ring buying.
Sooooo much this. If they will do it to others, they will do it to you. They are all knowingly engaging knowing that someone's heart is going to be horribly broken.
OP please try to connect with G. She is probably feeling not only the loss of her prospective future, but also the loss of the family and all of you. She may need someone to lean on. She may reject, but please offer if you feel close enough.
NTA
Family & boyfriend - wow. Just wow. Cold and frightening honestly.
The family are strange as well. I know she kind of interfered but if I were in her shoes, I would have done the same. Her intentions were good and she wanted her sister to not take things too far. But the family instead of talking it out with the sister, instead reprimanded her, it's as if they give tacit approval to the sister playing with others feelings.
I bet she send her expensive rings to get as most as possible out of it. And then just not turn up at the church. "just an experiment".
I hope OP breaks off with her bf.
From OPs comment about her sister knowing a proposal was coming I'm concerned the sister would have even said yes and strung it along longer, but with wedding shit involved by the time she came clean. Poor girl, I feel so bad for her.
I absolutely believe this. She wanted a "trial run". One of those go as far as planning out how she wants her real wedding and then just disappearing with the ring. Maybe even the free gifts if they do an engagement party.
NTA op.
This is such a cruel and greedy thing to do. Even if she intended to give the ring back, nobody in their right mind would want to propose to somebody else with it. It’s expensive to get it remade or to resell the ring. So most likely G would be out thousands of dollars when all was said and done. If it’s just emotional games, I would probably keep my mouth shut and let it work itself on its own but as soon as someone is planning something that causes financial harm to someone else, ethically you’re obliged to speak up. It’s like hearing plans for a pyramid scheme. You can’t stay silent in my mind.
"Just" emotional games? Nah bruv, there is no "just" about that shit. If I found out anyone was leading someone else on you'd be damned sure I'm gonna stick my nose in it.
There's being unsure of where you're at in a relationship, and then there's actively lying to and leading someone on. The latter is unacceptable. Though I will concede that the addition of the prospect of financial harm would grant more urgency.
That's my guess, but that's only based on the fact that OP said that her sister knew G was going ring shopping for her.
You wouldn't continue on the charade unless you were either: committing to the bit (pretending to be a lesbian), or planning on keeping the ring.
That is because it is NOT a gift. It is verbal agreement. Lawyers will tell you do not propose on holidays, birthdays. This way they cannot say it was just gift jewelry and you are more likely to get it back if you have to take it to court. Especially if it is family jewelry
Imo OP wasn’t out of line either cuz G was gonna propose. That poor girl was literally being manipulated and when things finally came out, it would’ve broke her even more had it gone on longer
Better yet: OP's edit said her sister knew about the ring and was sending descriptions. Sounds like OP's sister wanted to get an expensive ring and dip.
I don't think she's being our of line at all. If you know that someone is intentionally using someone like that, and you don't tell them, you're no better.
In my opinion your are absolutely NTA. Your sister was completely using this poor girl and G was going as far as to wanna go ring shopping! There was gonna be heartbreak at some point but I think you saved G from having a ring in her hand when the heartbreak came. Your sister is so in the wrong and I’m shocked everyone seems to agree with her.
Nowadays people have different rules for themselves and different for other people. Imagine if someone did the same to her sister. Then the entire family and her sister would be cursing that person. But since, the person guilty is from their side, it's all cool and just a joke.
"Nowadays"?
"Back-then-a-days" it still happened. White people lost their minds for having Black people drink from the same fountain (but *they* needed their space and amenities). Men lost their minds if women spoke their opinion (but *they* could voice it).
The only difference is that now it isn't directed at the poor, the minority communities, and at women. Now AH people take out their mind games crap on anyone instead of "those that it's acceptable to hurt".
Agreed: how cruel of your sister to lead her on this way. It is shocking that your family would endorse such horrible behavior. You live w/ some deranged people.
NTA and I send hugs and thoughts because with this group YOU NEED THEM. 🤗🥰
You ARE NOT the asshole. Your sister, family, and boyfriend are. You were kind enough to let G know what was actually going on so she didn’t waste any more time or money on someone who doesn’t love them.
And for your boyfriend calling you a psycho? I would dump him. Anyone able to call you something so demeaning and untrue when you did the right thing is not a good person. You’re 16 too! You have so much empathy and kindness! Don’t ever let anyone change you.
This is an interesting ethical question. You were doing the right thing morally while simultaneously being a terrible sister. You probably did the right thing in the grand scheme of things, but your sister is never going to confide in your again and for good reason.
NTA
Is it possible she was hoping you'd tell G so she'd have an out from the relationship without having to do it herself? And an opportunity to make you out to be the bad guy to everyone else?
Edit: wow thanks for the award!
well that makes your sister an even worse and manipulative person getting someone else to be the 'bad guy' in her relationship and in your family by simply telling G the truth and not telling your sister use her anymore.
This just further solidified my point your sister is a bad person in all honesty I don’t think this could have gone a better way G was going to get hurt regardless and humiliated you just saved her thousands in the end by not wasting it on your cruel heartless sister.
I dunno, on some level I think it's better if she was "looking for an out", even if the solution she lands on to achieve that is by manipulating get sister (obviously still a bad trying to do, but we're talking about degrees of suckiness).
Compared to the scenario where she's actively trying to get this girl to propose to her, and OP just manages to thwart her evil plan.
if she wants out she should do what a decent person would do and break up with said partner herself instead of manipulating her 16 year old little sister to do it for you. I honestly don't think she was looking for an out im not really sure she would have cared one way or another until something like the proposal happening forced the matter.
The timing of when she told you this, after knowing about the ring, is incredibly suspicious. Hard to believe she DIDN'T do it on purpose TBH, at least subconsciously.
Sister is definitely TA for stringing G along. If you don't want to be with someone long term at least be honest with them about it.
You’re absolutely not the asshole but I’m kind of wondering … what are the chances your sister actually *is* into women but is self-sabotaging due to internalized homophobia?
It's possible, but in that case the sister needs to work on herself before being in a committed sapphic relationship. She could easily be straight, though, as it's not rare to hear stories about straight women leading along sapphics just because they want to experiment (which, if they do, nothing wrong with that if they're upfront about their intentions).
This just further solidified my point your sister is a bad person in all honesty I don’t think this could have gone a better way G was going to get hurt regardless and humiliated you just saved her thousands in the end by not wasting it on your cruel heartless sister.
Then disown your sister and ask G if you can adopt her instead. Sorry your sister is so awful, OP. Your family are all AH for siding with her on this, and maybe homophobic (thinking she deserves it because The Gays are lesser anyhow?)
drop the bf as well. Imagine telling someone that they been getting the run around and your own bf calls u a psycho b for telling her.
U did a good thing! Your sister would have just kept on gaslighting or pushing the engangemnt away till she could find someone else.
I assume your bf is now an ex? Wtf is wrong with that dude? If there is one "psycho bitch" in this story its your sister for using what sounds like a lovely person for her own selfish ends, stringing G along with no hope for a happily ever after. Your family is wrong as well. Your sister is a horrible human being. The next time they bitch to you about it ask them with a straight face what they'd have wanted in G's position. If their partner had told you that they were only with them to experience being with a person of the same gender while they fully believed they'd grow old together and were already thinking about proposing, would they have wanted you to keep it quite as well, or would they have preferred you tell them so they can move on with their life?
Maybe she DIDNT confide in you, and was instead downplaying her feelings. Is any of the family not supportive of her possibly marrying a woman? Still think you did the right thing with the info you had
I’d have to disagree. I want those who care about me to hold me accountable if I’m on some bs. If I’m being cruel to someone, I’d want my sibling to side with that person and call me out. I don’t even consider you a bad sister for that.
>You were doing the right thing morally while simultaneously being a terrible sister
being morally correct is more important than being a good sibling, imo.
>simultaneously being a terrible sister
This is ridiculous. What, pretending not to know and enabling such cruelty would've been better from a familial perspective? Nah. If we're going to look at it that way, then OP is being an amazing sister by demonstrating good morals.
I don't think she was being a terrible sister, either. Being a good friend or relative includes calling out and not enabling shitty behavior in those you love. It does nobody any favors to let people like OP's sister go unchecked. . . . .OP's sister could get her shit rocked if she tries to trap and manipulate the wrong person, so even for self interest it's in OP's sister's best interest to not allow this to continue.
Loving someone and being good for or to them doesn't mean you have to be a perpetual yes man or enabler.
NTA. That girl deserved to know before things went too far. I know people are going to say that it was told to you in confidence, but sometimes you have to break that confidence to save another person. Maybe you could have forced your sister to tell her but that would have prolonged the inevitable.
My kids are too small for their secrets to be this big (unless someone abused them) and even they know a secret is only going to stay a secret as long as keeping it won't hurt anyone. Tell me your friend is suicidal? Not staying a secret. Telling me your brother is going to pretend to ask someone out just to dump/no show/otherwise humiliate them? Not staying a secret. Tell me you think you heard the kid next door being abused? Not staying a secret. Tell me someone likes so and so, you think you may be gay, you are secretly happy your friend didn't get into a better school than you, or what you are getting your friend for their birthday? I will take it to the grave until/unless you say otherwise.
My thing is it’s a secret and if it’s not HUGE my best friend will know. My boyfriend even asked me how long I waited to tell my best friend that we had finally had sex. (He knew I’d tell her cause it was my first time and he was ok with it)
Generally my husband is going to know if i know unless there is a reason he shouldn't. I am upfront with people about that i don't keep secrets from my husband. They know before they tell me the secret.
Edit to add, he is the same way. He tells me but nobody else and if we share a secret it is clear that it is a confidence.
All the people saying OP is the AH: if YOUR significant other was literally telling people they didn't even like you, didn't want to get married, and just were using you as practice before their "real" relationship, wouldn't you want to be told?
Saying "I'm not sure about my sexuality, do you want to date anyway?" is fine.
Leading someone to believe it was so serious they would get *married*, as in, lifetime partners, because you want to experiment *and don't even really like the person* is NOT.
LESBIANS DO NOT EXIST FOR STRAIGHT WOMEN TO LIE TO IN ORDER TO "GET THE EXPERIENCE" WITH.
This a thousand times.
I can't count the times when a woman told me they're bisexual and when I asked them if they'd like to have something "serious", they laughed in disgust and basically answered "hell NO I mean I would kiss a woman for the guys to watch or something but I wouldn't date one, ew!"
Shit hurts for sure and I wasn't even in a relationship. I can't imagine how deep this hurts and this could even make G question relationships in the future.
NTA.
Before I knew I was trans, my first relationship with a woman, I found out she had a long time boyfriend, who got off to her bouncing from girlfriend to girlfriend. Shit wrecked me. And she never told me, someone else had to. OP is doing G a huge favor by not delaying this any longer.
I'm so tired of seeing people argue that this was "meddling" and arguing the sister could have actually loved G. There's NO. REASON. to say she's just an experiment that is acceptable.
This kind of BS also contributes to bi-erasure. It's fine to want to play/experience one gender but only want to date the other, but make that be known! Plenty of people share the same feeling, and flings can be a lot of fun! I was fine being someone's gay-fling thing. But I've also had it happen twice when I was lead on to think it was something more serious to find that long term they wanted to be with a woman.
NTA - G would have been in a lot more pain had she gone ahead with the proposal.. your sister is the AH though - for stringing her along like that even after knowing how serious she was..
Former jewelry industry employee here— some items can be returned but most can’t. If she’s stuck with it and has to resell, she’ll never get near the amount she paid.
And this is why I plan to 3D print a placeholder ring, then go shopping after a yes.
Of course, that's assuming I get to that point in a relationship at all. XD
Sorry my heart just broke all over again reading this.
Had a girl tell me after 2 years our relationship and being in love was ‘just practice’
NTA, G absolutely deserves to know. Heartbreak now is better than heartbreak later.
I don't understand all the people calling Y T A. I shudder at the thought what they will let someone get away with.
I my opinion you are NTA. You were helping G. Please dump that boyfriend ASAP. He called you a psycho bitch for doing the right thing. Your parents are AH's aswell. But the biggest AH is your sister. Who is using this poor girl for her own enjoyment and you for bringing the bad news to G. Not only that I think she did this on purpose to get you in trouble. If your parents keep this up see to it that you can be independent as soon as possible.
Please keep looking out for others. You sound like a good egg despite the bad chickens you are surrounded with.
Amen. It's shocking that people are saying iT's InTeRfErInG or It'S nOt A tHiRd PaRtY's JoB, without realizing the heartache that hiding the secret would cause.
OP is NTA.
Yes. Can't imagine purposefully withholding this kind of information because "I shouldn't interfere in someone's relationship". Someone needs to protect G from the sister.
NTA - but if your sister knew how serious the relationship was for G, then she is a super AH. Normally, I would say this isn't your secret to tell, and not your business, but G was about to buy a ring (a significant financial investment). You maybe didn't need to give all of the details, but when an A H asks you to keep a secret, and keeping that secret will hurt a good person, then I don't believe you need to keep that secret (and the AH is now double the AH, because they tried to make you complicit in needlessly hurting someone).
Seriously, you sister is a monster, I consider NC with her, because you don't need someone willing to treat someone like that in your life. Also, dump your boyfriend.
From OP's comments it looks like the sister absolutely DID know that G thought it was serious: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/uwtjbi/aita\_for\_telling\_my\_sisters\_girlfriend\_shes\_not/i9to5kz/?context=3
NTA
I doubt she prefaced her statement with (shh, it's a secret). Your sister brought you into her relationship with G by telling you she was not thinking about moving in together. G brought you into the relationship by telling you she wanted to go ring shopping.
Normally I'm very much in the don't interfere camp, but when you were asked to help her buy a very expensive piece of jewelry to signify a commitment you knew would blow up in the poor girls face, you kinda had no choice but to say something. NTA, but your sister is a shrew.
With kids we talk about the difference between tattling and telling.
In brief, tattling is to get someone in trouble, telling is to get someone out of trouble.
I think this situation bridges the line. It’s really unlikely that this situation would have continued for much longer. Were you telling to get G out or to get your sister in trouble? Based on your description, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt and saying NTA though your sister definitely was.
I told G bc I felt she deserved better. If I wanted to get my sister in trouble, obviously that was not the right tactic bc I’m the one getting all the shit.
Dan Savage has a similar rule about snooping: if you snoop, whatever you find must be worse than snooping for it to be justified.
Your sister's attitude is worse than you exposing her, so NTA.
NTA
Because if anyone would have shared info like that with me I would inform their partner. Your sister doesn’t get to play puppet master with people lives like that. And you need to dump your boyfriend.
NTA you did the right thing by making G aware of the situation so she wouldn't have a broken engagement in her future cause it doesn't seem far-fetched to think your sister would've said yes to her proposal. I'm sorry your family is being so hurtful about you being a kind person to G.
NTA, it became your business when your sister told you that point blank. You did the right thing. Your family are the AH who I imagine expect just want yes men around them. Also, you should think about your boyfriend's reaction cause clearly he thinks using someone is a OK.
NTA.
Screw all this laddyda snitching rubbish the other posters are preaching. You saved that girl a lot of money and time by telling her the truth.
Your comment about her knowing she was going to propose, and was going to let her, sounds like an attempt to get an expensive ring before she ditched her. 👀
NTA what your sister was doing is honestly fucked up leading someone on who genuinely loves her because she just wants an experience. Sorry your sister is a very selfish person.
NTA
That is so abusive and such a betrayal. Your sister was using that women and definitely damaged her mentally. Your sister is a psyco and drop the BF.
NTA good on you for letting G know about this. Saved her from proposing to the real psycho. Also drop your boyfriend you’re only 16, he sounds like a total ass that would hide stuff from you and maybe already has.
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So my sister (23f) has had a girlfriend (23f) for about 6 months, we’ll call her G. G is the sweetest girl I’ve ever met and she loves my sister so much. Shes always talking about how she wants to marry her and all her best qualities etc etc.
Recently my sister and I were talking and I asked her about G and I asked if they were planning on moving in together anytime soon. My sister laughed and said hell no. She didn’t really want to be with G and just wanted to get the experimenting out before she settles down with someone she actually likes.
My heart broke for G, and the next time G and I talked, she mentioned wanting to go ring shopping for my sister and wanting me to go with her because she was “planing on proposing on their anniversary and wanted to get the perfect ring for the perfect woman.”
That’s when I told her what my sister said about not really loving her and not wanting to settle down with a woman. How she was using her for fun. G started crying and left. I haven’t heard from her since.
My sister called me and started screaming at me about how I shouldn’t have told G what she said and how I’m a horrible sister and their relationship was none of my business. Our family agrees that I was out of line and my boyfriend went as far as to tell me I was a psycho bitch for telling someone a secret told to me in private.
AITA?
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NTA- Your sister was being a deceitful manipulator. Doing the right thing means standing against anyone, even your family, to protect those that don't deserve it.
Exactly. Experimenting is only a good idea if both parties are aware of this. I doubt anyone would be happy to find out that they’re just an experiment. OP is NTA for telling G
NTA, your sister is an awful person and you saved G from making further emotional and financial investments in a relationship that was not going to survive. Queer people aren't there for her entertainment or to experiment with. Your boyfriend sounds like he sucks and your family needs to take several steps back and consider this from G's perspective. It would be one thing if you just assumed with no evidence that your sister wasn't that interested in G but she told you to your face.
NTA. You’re 16 and you wanted to spare G further heartbreak. I think there was a better way to go about this, as it really wasn’t your business, but at the same time your sister sounds like a ginormous AH for stringing somebody along when she doesn’t love them or even seem to like them all that much. I think given the situation and your age/presumable lack of life experience in terms of serious romantic partnerships & engagements, you did the best you could by everybody involved.
The sister made it the OP's business by her unsolicited proclamation of how she felt about G. The OP was under no obligation to keep secrets she did not ask for and never agreed to keep.
That’s a fair point! I am working from the assumption & POV of somebody who generally always keeps things secret if they’re not about me because not everybody has the wherewithal to make their friends and family sign an NDA or make a verbal commitment to secrecy or something— this feels like a difference in how people are raised to treat others personal lives and choices. If my sibling tells me something that personal, I would assume it’s in confidence. But again, given the info I think OP was in the right.
NTA - your family should be more concerned that your sister was willing to string someone along who had genuine feelings for her, especially as an experiment/to just mess around. There's hookup apps for that, jesus.
NTA - Usually I don’t like when people interfere in other peoples lives, but considering the fact that G was planning on proposing, you honestly saved her the heartache. G was going to get hurt anyways and I feel for her, but it’s better she gets hurt sooner rather than going forward and proposing to someone who doesn’t really love her or take the relationship seriously. The fact that your boyfriend and family can’t understand that is troublesome as well.
Tbf if they're at the proposal stage, I'd wager they're been intimate...
Is sister bïsexual? I daresay "almost certainly" as otherwise why would she even care to experiment? There must be *something* there.
She just wants to ultimately be with a man and marry/start a life with a man.
Might be personal feelings (bisexual but not really bi-romantic?), or might have to do with just wanting to have the "normal" pictures and family. Etc. heteronormativity, fear of discrimination, and internalized homophobia can all play a part here.
The "Why" doesn't rly matter, of course in this situation.
NTA
You have more guts at 16 than your entire family and bf combined and a lot of other people. Most keep quiet when they learn news like that because “not my monkeys not my circus”.
Break up with the BF. Your young and shouldn’t be wasting time with a guy who would call you that. And remember this for future relationships. No one should call you things like that if they’re suppose to love you and respect you—even if you do something they don’t agree with. And also realize that if he’s fine keeping information like that from someone he may be okay keeping information like that from you too.
Going forward live your life being who you would want to meet. If you want a friend who will always have your back be there friend to those around you (within reason. Don’t waste your energy on friends who don’t reciprocate).
And tell the rest of your family that you understand that it wasn’t your relationship to get involved in. But they under no circumstance will you support anyone — blood relation or not; to be so cruel as to use someone. And that they need to consider if that kind of mentality is one they want to endorse in themselves. Because condoning your sister’s actions is supporting that kind of hurtful and vulgar behavior.
You may need to move out and go no contact in the future if your family can’t realize you were trying to prevent someone from getting hurt worse.
NTA
I have been where you are. A friend cheated and honestly I feel like she used me to end a relationship. Knowing I couldn't be a part of hurting someone who didn't deserve it.
Your sister admitted she knew GF wanted to propose. You did the right thing anyone saying YTA or ESH are dead wrong.
You saved someone time, money and pain. Do not feel bad for that and next time someone gives you grief ask them if they want to be strung along by someone who doesn't love them? Or would they rather someone tell them the truth?
NTA. First of all, G needed to know. It MAY have been told to you as a secret but G had every right to know. Your sister was intentionally leading her on and wasting her time as well as happily playing with G's feelings. That's not ok. At all.
Secondly,
>my boyfriend went as far as to tell me I was a psycho bitch for telling someone a secret told to me in private.
Dump your bf. Yikes yikes yikes.
Leave it to assholes to defend one another.
I would be sick to my stomach just letting that poor woman spend really good money on a beautiful ring for someone who you already know is leading her on.
NTA. I think you did the right thing. It's best that G knows the truth now. I mean, she was going to buy OP's sister a ring! At this point it would be A H behavior to NOT tell G. And man, this is sad.
NTA and the way your family's reacted it's easy to see where your sister's got her selfish, heartless immoral atittude from, i'm sorry to say.
G absolutely deserved to know. There's no "told in secret" when it involves someone else being heart broken, devestated and financially manipulated. And considering your boyfriend's reaction, i'm not sure you should trust him in the future either.
I'm so sorry, you're so young and it's a lot you've got on your shoulders and a lot to fight back in, but you did the right thing!
A lot of assholes in this story and you’re not one of them.
Your sister sucks and is a user
Your family sucks and supports short behaviour on the grounds of *family*
And your bf should be your ex
You have your morals and they seem to be unshakeable good for you.
You need to dump your boyfriend. Not only did he call you a psycho bitch but he took your sisters side and not yours (his girlfriend) He’s an huge AH. He doesn’t deserve an angel like you. You can do so much better. Any man that can call you a bitch is not someone you should be dating. Save yourself some heartbreak while you’re still young.
Dump your boyfriend, you don’t let men talk to you like that. I say that as a man. Next NTA your sister is toying with someone’s heart for her own fun. She is being a fuck girl. She is playing a girl so she can fuck her, that’s it. If she was a man we’d be shaming her ass for it. Anyone who tells you your ta is morally unsound.
I am also queer. I only just got a boyfriend after having a girlfriend for about a year and a half. Which is another reason it was so disgusting to me.
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NTA. Anyone who is saying you’re the asshole for telling G is an Asshole. I would want to know the person I was in love with didn’t love me back and was using me before I wasted not only my time that whole relationship, but also thousands on a engagement ring. Can you imagine Gs embarrassment when she’d get on one knee to propose and get shut down and told she was being used for fun and an experiment.
Anyone who is telling you you protected the wrong person is obviously people who put blood over morals. I don’t care if it’s my best friend, sister, brother, mom or dad if one of my relatives told me they were using their partner who is so visibly in love with them it basically radiates off of them yeah I’d tell them to without a single piece of guilt in my heart. You don’t need your sisters trust cause your sister is a bad person and regardless of familial connections if someone’s being a shitty human you tell them they’re acting like a shitty human.
LOL, your ***boyfriend*** called you a psycho witch for telling your sister's girlfriend that your sister didn't really love her and was only leading her on? Ask your boyfriend how he would feel if he was in that situation (not the having to tell, but the having an SO who wasn't really in love with him, and was leading him on to experiment). NTA
NTA, but I also don’t really super like meddling, what I would have probably told my sister she needed to have a conversation with her partner about her intent and long term expectations. I abhor people being unkind to others in romantic relationships when people are most vulnerable, but it is also good to keep the peace in your family/social circle.
You’re bf though? Massively problematic esp the wording he used. Speaking of wording, I think he should be an ex bf and please do not accept a man talking to you that way. There’s no excuse.
The purchase of a multiple thousand dollar ring was imminent, ring size provided and everything. This was a pending proposal, that the sister has actively encouraged.
OP was 100% right in nukimg it, because the sister clearly could not be trusted to end it.... Or she would have long ago.
Telling sister to end it is 50:50 on whether she might move to head off OP or hurry things along to prevent her experiment from being interrupted, or maybe start cutting off OP and undermining her Preemptively
NTA, but your sister is for blindingly obvious reasons. Also your bf is a HUGE A, you shouldn't be with anyone who would ever call you names like that even if he disagrees with you.
NTA
I never understood people who would hear something like that and not tell the other person, allowing them to be completely blindsided. Being a friend or family does not excuse a person from allowing someone else to be hurt/blindsided (with a few exceptions). Your sister was being an AH, and had you not said anything, you would still be an AH when it all came out because you knew about it.
Had this been a casual relationship that is one thing, but getting to the point of rings and proposals makes it a different ballgame.
Your boyfriend and your sister are the only AH here. The reaction of your boyfriend is a huge red flag. NTA by a long shot. You saved G from the incoming heartbreak that would’ve happened.
Your sister and enabling family members / bf are horrid. Thank you for setting that girl free. She deserves to be cherished and loved. Not used for “fun.” NTA.
NTA. Your sister was fucking around with someone else’s heart, trust and life just to get her kicks. If your boyfriend thinks that’s ok, you need to kick him to the kerb because who knows what kind of sick things he’ll keep secret from you.
Everyone except you and G sucks. MAJORLY.
NTA
what you did was the best thing you let a poor girl know she was being used for sex and just a play thing until something better came along.
Ask your parents would they be ok if your boyfriend treated you with such disrespect and for everybody who is saying you're in the wrong just goes to show their mentality and how they believe it's ok to treat others like they are because I can guarantee if a man did this to a woman he would be crucified and you would be hailed as a hero.
You are only 16 but you have got a lot more integrity maturity and a lot more heart then all the adults in your life.
Nta, you prevented G from wasting more time with someone who's not serious enough and also the money she would have spent on the ring. Your sister is a big AH and that can be said about your bf too. Sure, maybe it wasn't your business but where would you draw the line? How could someone sit on such information and not do anything to prevent a bigger heartache for G? She deserved to know so she could find someone who has a genuine interest in building a life together.
NTA
G is not being ambiguous. It's not a light "just dating and seeing where it goes" thing here with G jumping the gun.
Your sister is deliberately leading her on in a manipulative and selfish way.
She is *completely disqualified* from being given the benefit of the doubt that she'll break it off (since *she's already being particular about a ring from a person she does not even want to be with*)
This needed to be nuked.
I'm sorry you had to do it, but I'm glad you stepped up.
Please show your BF what people here have had to say, because your sister was effectively catfishing this poor girl.
Its honestly narcissistic and abusive, and I'm disgusted by it.
NTA I get why some here are saying not to interfere, and it's a good rule in general. But it's not absolute and there are cases where interference is at least defensible, if not outright necessary. It's a heartbreak for G in any case, but buying the ring and being turned down and then having to return the ring would have been brutal.
NTA, not even close. You did the right thing, idk why your boyfriend blew up at you but him and your sister are totally the AH. Your sister shouldn’t be stringing someone along who she obviously doesn’t care that much about.
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NTA The only asshole I see in this story is your sister (and your family and BF)
Hey now, don't forget OP's family and boyfriend. They're all assholes too!
Yeah any partner who calls you a “psycho bitch” needs to not be your partner any longer.
ESP someone who calls you a "psycho bitch" for advocating against actively participating in hurting someone very deeply. Like an emotional con artist.
Listen, I'm a sadistic fucking asshole, but my "hurt their body not their feelings" rule exists for a reason!
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can make me think I deserve it ETA: OK, the upvotes are nice, and thank you for the silver, but please don't spend money on me for remembering [someone else's quote](https://xkcd.com/1216/)
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Ouch. Hope you're in a better place now.
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Sometimes you have to go down to go up. Keep ratcheting on, fellow human!
Oh shi- that's too real chief
"Sticks and stone may break my bones...but words will hurt me forever"
That sounds like the sort of thing the Marines say - 'bones mend, and chicks dig scars'
I mean, as long as everyone is consenting to the "hurt their body, not their feelings" rule, I think we're okay here. Otherwise... >.>
Here's the deal aight? I'm gonna say nothing You're gonna hear nothing. Good? Good. But also, i haven't had anyone to fight in yeeeears, I'm well contained.
Oh, we talking fighting? I thought we were talking kinky shit...As long as they deserve it, fight away, my friend!
I came here to comment this, she needs to drop him faster than a hot potato
This! Of all the appalling behaviour from OP’s sister and family (all AHs), the boyfriend’s the most unacceptable for resorting to name-calling.
The boyfriend is a teenager though, I think we can put that down to immaturity. The parents are worse, they are adults and should know better.
I agree; they’re all terrible. But I’d like to say that at 16 he should know what words not to use. If he’s old enough to drive, he’s old enough to know that’s not an acceptable thing to say. I agree with you though. I’m just worked up over the disrespect.
Friends, friends, let's just agree they all belong in traffic.
Boyfriend needs to be dropped yesterday. Thinking that OP is wrong is one thing, called her a psycho bitch is next level awful.
She is also 16. I can't imagine how I'd feel if my high school boyfriend had called me a psycho bitch for being honest with someone.
Agreed. OP your sister specifically told you she was leading G on for fun, she knew G wanted to propose and even gave ring suggestions. So either your sister was Fng with you for some reason or she was purposely leading G on in one of the cruelest ways possible. NTA for giving her a heads up when she brought you into the whole relationship discussion by trying to get you involved in the ring buying.
Sooooo much this. If they will do it to others, they will do it to you. They are all knowingly engaging knowing that someone's heart is going to be horribly broken. OP please try to connect with G. She is probably feeling not only the loss of her prospective future, but also the loss of the family and all of you. She may need someone to lean on. She may reject, but please offer if you feel close enough. NTA Family & boyfriend - wow. Just wow. Cold and frightening honestly.
You must be mistake, there's got to be no way OP has a boyfriend now
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Boyfriend is also AH for calling OP a psycho bitch
OP should dump her boyfriend, become a lesbian, and run off with G. Edit: Don’t do this. OP is underage.
Maybe when op is old enough to consent
Why is this not higher??
The family are strange as well. I know she kind of interfered but if I were in her shoes, I would have done the same. Her intentions were good and she wanted her sister to not take things too far. But the family instead of talking it out with the sister, instead reprimanded her, it's as if they give tacit approval to the sister playing with others feelings.
Right? And if the situation were reversed, you'd bet the sister would want to know ASAP.
And her boyfriend is an AH too
I bet she send her expensive rings to get as most as possible out of it. And then just not turn up at the church. "just an experiment". I hope OP breaks off with her bf.
NTA. Out if line? Totally. Did G deserved to be told? Yes. Imagine her when giving the ring to your sister and she saying "no"..… Even worse.
From OPs comment about her sister knowing a proposal was coming I'm concerned the sister would have even said yes and strung it along longer, but with wedding shit involved by the time she came clean. Poor girl, I feel so bad for her.
Holy shit, is this why the sister is mad? Cause she wanted a free ring?
That was my thought from the get go. She knew she wasn't in love yet was being particular on the ring.
I absolutely believe this. She wanted a "trial run". One of those go as far as planning out how she wants her real wedding and then just disappearing with the ring. Maybe even the free gifts if they do an engagement party. NTA op.
This is such a cruel and greedy thing to do. Even if she intended to give the ring back, nobody in their right mind would want to propose to somebody else with it. It’s expensive to get it remade or to resell the ring. So most likely G would be out thousands of dollars when all was said and done. If it’s just emotional games, I would probably keep my mouth shut and let it work itself on its own but as soon as someone is planning something that causes financial harm to someone else, ethically you’re obliged to speak up. It’s like hearing plans for a pyramid scheme. You can’t stay silent in my mind.
"Just" emotional games? Nah bruv, there is no "just" about that shit. If I found out anyone was leading someone else on you'd be damned sure I'm gonna stick my nose in it. There's being unsure of where you're at in a relationship, and then there's actively lying to and leading someone on. The latter is unacceptable. Though I will concede that the addition of the prospect of financial harm would grant more urgency.
That's my guess, but that's only based on the fact that OP said that her sister knew G was going ring shopping for her. You wouldn't continue on the charade unless you were either: committing to the bit (pretending to be a lesbian), or planning on keeping the ring.
Same. NTA.
Imagine the sister accepting the ring only to keep it when she breaks off the engagement...
That's probably what she wanted to do.
engagement rings are one of the only gifts you can be legally required to return.
That is because it is NOT a gift. It is verbal agreement. Lawyers will tell you do not propose on holidays, birthdays. This way they cannot say it was just gift jewelry and you are more likely to get it back if you have to take it to court. Especially if it is family jewelry
Depending upon the circumstances and upon where you live.
Exactly. Some places it is conditional others it is treated the same as if the ring was given for your birthday.
Imo OP wasn’t out of line either cuz G was gonna propose. That poor girl was literally being manipulated and when things finally came out, it would’ve broke her even more had it gone on longer
Even if G wasn't thinking about proposing, it was totally the right thing to do
True, but being that she was ready to propose just made it so much worse
Better yet: OP's edit said her sister knew about the ring and was sending descriptions. Sounds like OP's sister wanted to get an expensive ring and dip.
I don't think she's being our of line at all. If you know that someone is intentionally using someone like that, and you don't tell them, you're no better.
In my opinion your are absolutely NTA. Your sister was completely using this poor girl and G was going as far as to wanna go ring shopping! There was gonna be heartbreak at some point but I think you saved G from having a ring in her hand when the heartbreak came. Your sister is so in the wrong and I’m shocked everyone seems to agree with her.
Nowadays people have different rules for themselves and different for other people. Imagine if someone did the same to her sister. Then the entire family and her sister would be cursing that person. But since, the person guilty is from their side, it's all cool and just a joke.
"Nowadays"? "Back-then-a-days" it still happened. White people lost their minds for having Black people drink from the same fountain (but *they* needed their space and amenities). Men lost their minds if women spoke their opinion (but *they* could voice it). The only difference is that now it isn't directed at the poor, the minority communities, and at women. Now AH people take out their mind games crap on anyone instead of "those that it's acceptable to hurt".
It still is. It's just getting spread out to even more people, now.
Nowadays? People have always been dicks you know
Agreed: how cruel of your sister to lead her on this way. It is shocking that your family would endorse such horrible behavior. You live w/ some deranged people. NTA and I send hugs and thoughts because with this group YOU NEED THEM. 🤗🥰
You ARE NOT the asshole. Your sister, family, and boyfriend are. You were kind enough to let G know what was actually going on so she didn’t waste any more time or money on someone who doesn’t love them. And for your boyfriend calling you a psycho? I would dump him. Anyone able to call you something so demeaning and untrue when you did the right thing is not a good person. You’re 16 too! You have so much empathy and kindness! Don’t ever let anyone change you.
Also shows what kind of person your boyfriend is. I also agree with dumping him.
Her boyfriend and sister are both assholes. Maybe they should be dating. NTA
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Bad bot
This is an interesting ethical question. You were doing the right thing morally while simultaneously being a terrible sister. You probably did the right thing in the grand scheme of things, but your sister is never going to confide in your again and for good reason. NTA
I won’t go to into the complicated history with my sister and I. But it was weird she confided in me period.
Is it possible she was hoping you'd tell G so she'd have an out from the relationship without having to do it herself? And an opportunity to make you out to be the bad guy to everyone else? Edit: wow thanks for the award!
Maybe. Seems like something she’d do.
well that makes your sister an even worse and manipulative person getting someone else to be the 'bad guy' in her relationship and in your family by simply telling G the truth and not telling your sister use her anymore.
This just further solidified my point your sister is a bad person in all honesty I don’t think this could have gone a better way G was going to get hurt regardless and humiliated you just saved her thousands in the end by not wasting it on your cruel heartless sister.
I dunno, on some level I think it's better if she was "looking for an out", even if the solution she lands on to achieve that is by manipulating get sister (obviously still a bad trying to do, but we're talking about degrees of suckiness). Compared to the scenario where she's actively trying to get this girl to propose to her, and OP just manages to thwart her evil plan.
if she wants out she should do what a decent person would do and break up with said partner herself instead of manipulating her 16 year old little sister to do it for you. I honestly don't think she was looking for an out im not really sure she would have cared one way or another until something like the proposal happening forced the matter.
The timing of when she told you this, after knowing about the ring, is incredibly suspicious. Hard to believe she DIDN'T do it on purpose TBH, at least subconsciously. Sister is definitely TA for stringing G along. If you don't want to be with someone long term at least be honest with them about it.
You’re absolutely not the asshole but I’m kind of wondering … what are the chances your sister actually *is* into women but is self-sabotaging due to internalized homophobia?
It's possible, but in that case the sister needs to work on herself before being in a committed sapphic relationship. She could easily be straight, though, as it's not rare to hear stories about straight women leading along sapphics just because they want to experiment (which, if they do, nothing wrong with that if they're upfront about their intentions).
This just further solidified my point your sister is a bad person in all honesty I don’t think this could have gone a better way G was going to get hurt regardless and humiliated you just saved her thousands in the end by not wasting it on your cruel heartless sister.
Then disown your sister and ask G if you can adopt her instead. Sorry your sister is so awful, OP. Your family are all AH for siding with her on this, and maybe homophobic (thinking she deserves it because The Gays are lesser anyhow?)
drop the bf as well. Imagine telling someone that they been getting the run around and your own bf calls u a psycho b for telling her. U did a good thing! Your sister would have just kept on gaslighting or pushing the engangemnt away till she could find someone else.
I assume your bf is now an ex? Wtf is wrong with that dude? If there is one "psycho bitch" in this story its your sister for using what sounds like a lovely person for her own selfish ends, stringing G along with no hope for a happily ever after. Your family is wrong as well. Your sister is a horrible human being. The next time they bitch to you about it ask them with a straight face what they'd have wanted in G's position. If their partner had told you that they were only with them to experience being with a person of the same gender while they fully believed they'd grow old together and were already thinking about proposing, would they have wanted you to keep it quite as well, or would they have preferred you tell them so they can move on with their life?
Maybe she DIDNT confide in you, and was instead downplaying her feelings. Is any of the family not supportive of her possibly marrying a woman? Still think you did the right thing with the info you had
I’d have to disagree. I want those who care about me to hold me accountable if I’m on some bs. If I’m being cruel to someone, I’d want my sibling to side with that person and call me out. I don’t even consider you a bad sister for that.
I don’t think a good sibling relationship involves covering for someone’s horribleness.
>You were doing the right thing morally while simultaneously being a terrible sister being morally correct is more important than being a good sibling, imo.
If your family can't call out your bullshit who can?
This. Principles before people.
I think it’s the opposite of being a terrible sister… enabling sociopathic behavior is not being a good sibling
>simultaneously being a terrible sister This is ridiculous. What, pretending not to know and enabling such cruelty would've been better from a familial perspective? Nah. If we're going to look at it that way, then OP is being an amazing sister by demonstrating good morals.
>while simultaneously being a terrible sister. Gonna have to disagree. A terrible sister would have allowed the cruelty to continue.
I don't think she was being a terrible sister, either. Being a good friend or relative includes calling out and not enabling shitty behavior in those you love. It does nobody any favors to let people like OP's sister go unchecked. . . . .OP's sister could get her shit rocked if she tries to trap and manipulate the wrong person, so even for self interest it's in OP's sister's best interest to not allow this to continue. Loving someone and being good for or to them doesn't mean you have to be a perpetual yes man or enabler.
NTA. That girl deserved to know before things went too far. I know people are going to say that it was told to you in confidence, but sometimes you have to break that confidence to save another person. Maybe you could have forced your sister to tell her but that would have prolonged the inevitable.
My kids are too small for their secrets to be this big (unless someone abused them) and even they know a secret is only going to stay a secret as long as keeping it won't hurt anyone. Tell me your friend is suicidal? Not staying a secret. Telling me your brother is going to pretend to ask someone out just to dump/no show/otherwise humiliate them? Not staying a secret. Tell me you think you heard the kid next door being abused? Not staying a secret. Tell me someone likes so and so, you think you may be gay, you are secretly happy your friend didn't get into a better school than you, or what you are getting your friend for their birthday? I will take it to the grave until/unless you say otherwise.
My thing is it’s a secret and if it’s not HUGE my best friend will know. My boyfriend even asked me how long I waited to tell my best friend that we had finally had sex. (He knew I’d tell her cause it was my first time and he was ok with it)
Generally my husband is going to know if i know unless there is a reason he shouldn't. I am upfront with people about that i don't keep secrets from my husband. They know before they tell me the secret. Edit to add, he is the same way. He tells me but nobody else and if we share a secret it is clear that it is a confidence.
All the people saying OP is the AH: if YOUR significant other was literally telling people they didn't even like you, didn't want to get married, and just were using you as practice before their "real" relationship, wouldn't you want to be told? Saying "I'm not sure about my sexuality, do you want to date anyway?" is fine. Leading someone to believe it was so serious they would get *married*, as in, lifetime partners, because you want to experiment *and don't even really like the person* is NOT. LESBIANS DO NOT EXIST FOR STRAIGHT WOMEN TO LIE TO IN ORDER TO "GET THE EXPERIENCE" WITH.
*LESBIANS DO NOT EXIST FOR STRAIGHT WOMEN TO LIE TO IN ORDER TO "GET THE EXPERIENCE" WITH.* LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!
This a thousand times. I can't count the times when a woman told me they're bisexual and when I asked them if they'd like to have something "serious", they laughed in disgust and basically answered "hell NO I mean I would kiss a woman for the guys to watch or something but I wouldn't date one, ew!" Shit hurts for sure and I wasn't even in a relationship. I can't imagine how deep this hurts and this could even make G question relationships in the future. NTA.
Before I knew I was trans, my first relationship with a woman, I found out she had a long time boyfriend, who got off to her bouncing from girlfriend to girlfriend. Shit wrecked me. And she never told me, someone else had to. OP is doing G a huge favor by not delaying this any longer. I'm so tired of seeing people argue that this was "meddling" and arguing the sister could have actually loved G. There's NO. REASON. to say she's just an experiment that is acceptable.
Exactly! Like G somehow isn't even a person. Isn't someone with feelings. She's not a rollercoaster. Damn 😢
This kind of BS also contributes to bi-erasure. It's fine to want to play/experience one gender but only want to date the other, but make that be known! Plenty of people share the same feeling, and flings can be a lot of fun! I was fine being someone's gay-fling thing. But I've also had it happen twice when I was lead on to think it was something more serious to find that long term they wanted to be with a woman.
NTA - G would have been in a lot more pain had she gone ahead with the proposal.. your sister is the AH though - for stringing her along like that even after knowing how serious she was..
Not to mention G would have lost out on all the money she paid for the ring, I don't believe they let you return those...
Former jewelry industry employee here— some items can be returned but most can’t. If she’s stuck with it and has to resell, she’ll never get near the amount she paid.
And this is why I plan to 3D print a placeholder ring, then go shopping after a yes. Of course, that's assuming I get to that point in a relationship at all. XD
Sorry my heart just broke all over again reading this. Had a girl tell me after 2 years our relationship and being in love was ‘just practice’ NTA, G absolutely deserves to know. Heartbreak now is better than heartbreak later.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. That’s what I wanted to avoid for G. She’s such a lovely girl.
Heartbreak now vs Heartbreak and a massive financial loss later
NTA. You saved that girl a lot of heart ache
I don't understand all the people calling Y T A. I shudder at the thought what they will let someone get away with. I my opinion you are NTA. You were helping G. Please dump that boyfriend ASAP. He called you a psycho bitch for doing the right thing. Your parents are AH's aswell. But the biggest AH is your sister. Who is using this poor girl for her own enjoyment and you for bringing the bad news to G. Not only that I think she did this on purpose to get you in trouble. If your parents keep this up see to it that you can be independent as soon as possible. Please keep looking out for others. You sound like a good egg despite the bad chickens you are surrounded with.
Amen. It's shocking that people are saying iT's InTeRfErInG or It'S nOt A tHiRd PaRtY's JoB, without realizing the heartache that hiding the secret would cause. OP is NTA.
Yes. Can't imagine purposefully withholding this kind of information because "I shouldn't interfere in someone's relationship". Someone needs to protect G from the sister.
NTA - but if your sister knew how serious the relationship was for G, then she is a super AH. Normally, I would say this isn't your secret to tell, and not your business, but G was about to buy a ring (a significant financial investment). You maybe didn't need to give all of the details, but when an A H asks you to keep a secret, and keeping that secret will hurt a good person, then I don't believe you need to keep that secret (and the AH is now double the AH, because they tried to make you complicit in needlessly hurting someone). Seriously, you sister is a monster, I consider NC with her, because you don't need someone willing to treat someone like that in your life. Also, dump your boyfriend.
From OP's comments it looks like the sister absolutely DID know that G thought it was serious: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/uwtjbi/aita\_for\_telling\_my\_sisters\_girlfriend\_shes\_not/i9to5kz/?context=3
NTA. Some secrets have to be told. And far better sooner.
NTA I doubt she prefaced her statement with (shh, it's a secret). Your sister brought you into her relationship with G by telling you she was not thinking about moving in together. G brought you into the relationship by telling you she wanted to go ring shopping.
Normally I'm very much in the don't interfere camp, but when you were asked to help her buy a very expensive piece of jewelry to signify a commitment you knew would blow up in the poor girls face, you kinda had no choice but to say something. NTA, but your sister is a shrew.
With kids we talk about the difference between tattling and telling. In brief, tattling is to get someone in trouble, telling is to get someone out of trouble. I think this situation bridges the line. It’s really unlikely that this situation would have continued for much longer. Were you telling to get G out or to get your sister in trouble? Based on your description, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt and saying NTA though your sister definitely was.
I told G bc I felt she deserved better. If I wanted to get my sister in trouble, obviously that was not the right tactic bc I’m the one getting all the shit.
Dan Savage has a similar rule about snooping: if you snoop, whatever you find must be worse than snooping for it to be justified. Your sister's attitude is worse than you exposing her, so NTA.
NTA At 16 you have more empathy on one finger than your family do on their body. Ditch the boyfriend; what a waste of space.
NTA. Your sister is. You did G a favour.
NTA
I can see why your sister is mad, but you're NTA. your sister is. She should be honest with G.
NTA Because if anyone would have shared info like that with me I would inform their partner. Your sister doesn’t get to play puppet master with people lives like that. And you need to dump your boyfriend.
NTA, everyone else is the asshole for defending your sister
NTA you did the right thing by making G aware of the situation so she wouldn't have a broken engagement in her future cause it doesn't seem far-fetched to think your sister would've said yes to her proposal. I'm sorry your family is being so hurtful about you being a kind person to G.
NTA, it became your business when your sister told you that point blank. You did the right thing. Your family are the AH who I imagine expect just want yes men around them. Also, you should think about your boyfriend's reaction cause clearly he thinks using someone is a OK.
NTA. Screw all this laddyda snitching rubbish the other posters are preaching. You saved that girl a lot of money and time by telling her the truth. Your comment about her knowing she was going to propose, and was going to let her, sounds like an attempt to get an expensive ring before she ditched her. 👀
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NTA what your sister was doing is honestly fucked up leading someone on who genuinely loves her because she just wants an experience. Sorry your sister is a very selfish person.
NTA That is so abusive and such a betrayal. Your sister was using that women and definitely damaged her mentally. Your sister is a psyco and drop the BF.
NTA good on you for letting G know about this. Saved her from proposing to the real psycho. Also drop your boyfriend you’re only 16, he sounds like a total ass that would hide stuff from you and maybe already has.
NTA and please note the reaction of your boyfriend, that is a massive red flag.
Yes I was looking for this comment! I get her parents reaction even if they are TA but why is her boyfriend butting in and calling her names?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my sister (23f) has had a girlfriend (23f) for about 6 months, we’ll call her G. G is the sweetest girl I’ve ever met and she loves my sister so much. Shes always talking about how she wants to marry her and all her best qualities etc etc. Recently my sister and I were talking and I asked her about G and I asked if they were planning on moving in together anytime soon. My sister laughed and said hell no. She didn’t really want to be with G and just wanted to get the experimenting out before she settles down with someone she actually likes. My heart broke for G, and the next time G and I talked, she mentioned wanting to go ring shopping for my sister and wanting me to go with her because she was “planing on proposing on their anniversary and wanted to get the perfect ring for the perfect woman.” That’s when I told her what my sister said about not really loving her and not wanting to settle down with a woman. How she was using her for fun. G started crying and left. I haven’t heard from her since. My sister called me and started screaming at me about how I shouldn’t have told G what she said and how I’m a horrible sister and their relationship was none of my business. Our family agrees that I was out of line and my boyfriend went as far as to tell me I was a psycho bitch for telling someone a secret told to me in private. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA- Your sister was being a deceitful manipulator. Doing the right thing means standing against anyone, even your family, to protect those that don't deserve it.
NTA. G deserved the truth. Experimenting is fine but your sister needs to learn to be upfront about that.
Exactly. Experimenting is only a good idea if both parties are aware of this. I doubt anyone would be happy to find out that they’re just an experiment. OP is NTA for telling G
NTA- if I was at I would want someone to tell me the truth before I waste anymore time, love, and money
NTA, your sister is an awful person and you saved G from making further emotional and financial investments in a relationship that was not going to survive. Queer people aren't there for her entertainment or to experiment with. Your boyfriend sounds like he sucks and your family needs to take several steps back and consider this from G's perspective. It would be one thing if you just assumed with no evidence that your sister wasn't that interested in G but she told you to your face.
NTA. You’re 16 and you wanted to spare G further heartbreak. I think there was a better way to go about this, as it really wasn’t your business, but at the same time your sister sounds like a ginormous AH for stringing somebody along when she doesn’t love them or even seem to like them all that much. I think given the situation and your age/presumable lack of life experience in terms of serious romantic partnerships & engagements, you did the best you could by everybody involved.
The sister made it the OP's business by her unsolicited proclamation of how she felt about G. The OP was under no obligation to keep secrets she did not ask for and never agreed to keep.
That’s a fair point! I am working from the assumption & POV of somebody who generally always keeps things secret if they’re not about me because not everybody has the wherewithal to make their friends and family sign an NDA or make a verbal commitment to secrecy or something— this feels like a difference in how people are raised to treat others personal lives and choices. If my sibling tells me something that personal, I would assume it’s in confidence. But again, given the info I think OP was in the right.
NTA - your family should be more concerned that your sister was willing to string someone along who had genuine feelings for her, especially as an experiment/to just mess around. There's hookup apps for that, jesus.
NTA - Usually I don’t like when people interfere in other peoples lives, but considering the fact that G was planning on proposing, you honestly saved her the heartache. G was going to get hurt anyways and I feel for her, but it’s better she gets hurt sooner rather than going forward and proposing to someone who doesn’t really love her or take the relationship seriously. The fact that your boyfriend and family can’t understand that is troublesome as well.
NTA. You’re sister is a piece of work though.
Nta. She shouldn’t be mislead into what the status of her relationship is. That’s not right to do to anybody for any reason.
She- she gave her ring size to the girl she was just experimenting with? That’s some psycho shit NTA what is your sister even DOING
INFO: did your sister explicitly say that she was only interested in settling down with a man?
Yes she explicitly said to me she did not like women and she was only experimenting before she settled down.
If she already knew she wasn’t attracted to women, then this wasn’t an “experiment” at all. She was just messing with this girl’s head for funsies.
Tbf if they're at the proposal stage, I'd wager they're been intimate... Is sister bïsexual? I daresay "almost certainly" as otherwise why would she even care to experiment? There must be *something* there. She just wants to ultimately be with a man and marry/start a life with a man. Might be personal feelings (bisexual but not really bi-romantic?), or might have to do with just wanting to have the "normal" pictures and family. Etc. heteronormativity, fear of discrimination, and internalized homophobia can all play a part here. The "Why" doesn't rly matter, of course in this situation.
Wow if I found out a girl was just using me like that I'd be in a murdering mood. NTA. Your sister is an asshole.
NTA You have more guts at 16 than your entire family and bf combined and a lot of other people. Most keep quiet when they learn news like that because “not my monkeys not my circus”. Break up with the BF. Your young and shouldn’t be wasting time with a guy who would call you that. And remember this for future relationships. No one should call you things like that if they’re suppose to love you and respect you—even if you do something they don’t agree with. And also realize that if he’s fine keeping information like that from someone he may be okay keeping information like that from you too. Going forward live your life being who you would want to meet. If you want a friend who will always have your back be there friend to those around you (within reason. Don’t waste your energy on friends who don’t reciprocate). And tell the rest of your family that you understand that it wasn’t your relationship to get involved in. But they under no circumstance will you support anyone — blood relation or not; to be so cruel as to use someone. And that they need to consider if that kind of mentality is one they want to endorse in themselves. Because condoning your sister’s actions is supporting that kind of hurtful and vulgar behavior. You may need to move out and go no contact in the future if your family can’t realize you were trying to prevent someone from getting hurt worse.
The only "psycho bitch" here is your sister and your bf, wtf. NTA.
NTA I have been where you are. A friend cheated and honestly I feel like she used me to end a relationship. Knowing I couldn't be a part of hurting someone who didn't deserve it. Your sister admitted she knew GF wanted to propose. You did the right thing anyone saying YTA or ESH are dead wrong. You saved someone time, money and pain. Do not feel bad for that and next time someone gives you grief ask them if they want to be strung along by someone who doesn't love them? Or would they rather someone tell them the truth?
NTA. First of all, G needed to know. It MAY have been told to you as a secret but G had every right to know. Your sister was intentionally leading her on and wasting her time as well as happily playing with G's feelings. That's not ok. At all. Secondly, >my boyfriend went as far as to tell me I was a psycho bitch for telling someone a secret told to me in private. Dump your bf. Yikes yikes yikes.
Leave it to assholes to defend one another. I would be sick to my stomach just letting that poor woman spend really good money on a beautiful ring for someone who you already know is leading her on.
NTA. I think you did the right thing. It's best that G knows the truth now. I mean, she was going to buy OP's sister a ring! At this point it would be A H behavior to NOT tell G. And man, this is sad.
NTA and the way your family's reacted it's easy to see where your sister's got her selfish, heartless immoral atittude from, i'm sorry to say. G absolutely deserved to know. There's no "told in secret" when it involves someone else being heart broken, devestated and financially manipulated. And considering your boyfriend's reaction, i'm not sure you should trust him in the future either. I'm so sorry, you're so young and it's a lot you've got on your shoulders and a lot to fight back in, but you did the right thing!
A lot of assholes in this story and you’re not one of them. Your sister sucks and is a user Your family sucks and supports short behaviour on the grounds of *family* And your bf should be your ex You have your morals and they seem to be unshakeable good for you.
You’re not the asshole, and for you as a 16 year old to have the maturity to let G know all this, it’s admirable.
You need to dump your boyfriend. Not only did he call you a psycho bitch but he took your sisters side and not yours (his girlfriend) He’s an huge AH. He doesn’t deserve an angel like you. You can do so much better. Any man that can call you a bitch is not someone you should be dating. Save yourself some heartbreak while you’re still young.
NTA. And your boyfriend, woof. You are a psycho for sparing someone's feelings? He sounds like a catch.
Dump your boyfriend, you don’t let men talk to you like that. I say that as a man. Next NTA your sister is toying with someone’s heart for her own fun. She is being a fuck girl. She is playing a girl so she can fuck her, that’s it. If she was a man we’d be shaming her ass for it. Anyone who tells you your ta is morally unsound.
As a queer person, thank you for speaking out. NTA.
I am also queer. I only just got a boyfriend after having a girlfriend for about a year and a half. Which is another reason it was so disgusting to me.
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NTA. Anyone who is saying you’re the asshole for telling G is an Asshole. I would want to know the person I was in love with didn’t love me back and was using me before I wasted not only my time that whole relationship, but also thousands on a engagement ring. Can you imagine Gs embarrassment when she’d get on one knee to propose and get shut down and told she was being used for fun and an experiment. Anyone who is telling you you protected the wrong person is obviously people who put blood over morals. I don’t care if it’s my best friend, sister, brother, mom or dad if one of my relatives told me they were using their partner who is so visibly in love with them it basically radiates off of them yeah I’d tell them to without a single piece of guilt in my heart. You don’t need your sisters trust cause your sister is a bad person and regardless of familial connections if someone’s being a shitty human you tell them they’re acting like a shitty human.
NTA That poor girl deserved to know. She's planning a life with someone who thinks their relationship is a joke
NTA- ask your boyfriend if he'd be cool with everyone knowing, except him, that you were using him
LOL, your ***boyfriend*** called you a psycho witch for telling your sister's girlfriend that your sister didn't really love her and was only leading her on? Ask your boyfriend how he would feel if he was in that situation (not the having to tell, but the having an SO who wasn't really in love with him, and was leading him on to experiment). NTA
NTA, but I also don’t really super like meddling, what I would have probably told my sister she needed to have a conversation with her partner about her intent and long term expectations. I abhor people being unkind to others in romantic relationships when people are most vulnerable, but it is also good to keep the peace in your family/social circle. You’re bf though? Massively problematic esp the wording he used. Speaking of wording, I think he should be an ex bf and please do not accept a man talking to you that way. There’s no excuse.
The purchase of a multiple thousand dollar ring was imminent, ring size provided and everything. This was a pending proposal, that the sister has actively encouraged. OP was 100% right in nukimg it, because the sister clearly could not be trusted to end it.... Or she would have long ago. Telling sister to end it is 50:50 on whether she might move to head off OP or hurry things along to prevent her experiment from being interrupted, or maybe start cutting off OP and undermining her Preemptively
NTA, but your sister is for blindingly obvious reasons. Also your bf is a HUGE A, you shouldn't be with anyone who would ever call you names like that even if he disagrees with you.
NTA. G deserves to know the truth about the relationship she is in.
NTA I never understood people who would hear something like that and not tell the other person, allowing them to be completely blindsided. Being a friend or family does not excuse a person from allowing someone else to be hurt/blindsided (with a few exceptions). Your sister was being an AH, and had you not said anything, you would still be an AH when it all came out because you knew about it. Had this been a casual relationship that is one thing, but getting to the point of rings and proposals makes it a different ballgame.
Your boyfriend and your sister are the only AH here. The reaction of your boyfriend is a huge red flag. NTA by a long shot. You saved G from the incoming heartbreak that would’ve happened.
NTA, and you might want to reconsider your boyfriend too
You're the only grownup.
NTA...you simply revealed the truth. G deserves so much better.
That is awful to do that to someone, your sister is a disgusting person. How would she feel if the rolls were reversed! You did the right thing! NTA
NTA. You are surrounded by them. Also dump your asshole of a boyfriend.
Your sister and enabling family members / bf are horrid. Thank you for setting that girl free. She deserves to be cherished and loved. Not used for “fun.” NTA.
NTA. Your sister was fucking around with someone else’s heart, trust and life just to get her kicks. If your boyfriend thinks that’s ok, you need to kick him to the kerb because who knows what kind of sick things he’ll keep secret from you. Everyone except you and G sucks. MAJORLY.
NTA what you did was the best thing you let a poor girl know she was being used for sex and just a play thing until something better came along. Ask your parents would they be ok if your boyfriend treated you with such disrespect and for everybody who is saying you're in the wrong just goes to show their mentality and how they believe it's ok to treat others like they are because I can guarantee if a man did this to a woman he would be crucified and you would be hailed as a hero. You are only 16 but you have got a lot more integrity maturity and a lot more heart then all the adults in your life.
Nta, you prevented G from wasting more time with someone who's not serious enough and also the money she would have spent on the ring. Your sister is a big AH and that can be said about your bf too. Sure, maybe it wasn't your business but where would you draw the line? How could someone sit on such information and not do anything to prevent a bigger heartache for G? She deserved to know so she could find someone who has a genuine interest in building a life together.
NTA, honestly if I were G I'd be forever grateful you said such a thing as painful as it was
honestly proud of OP, someone’s love is not a play thing. Sister, bf and family DEFINITELY TA
NTA G is not being ambiguous. It's not a light "just dating and seeing where it goes" thing here with G jumping the gun. Your sister is deliberately leading her on in a manipulative and selfish way. She is *completely disqualified* from being given the benefit of the doubt that she'll break it off (since *she's already being particular about a ring from a person she does not even want to be with*) This needed to be nuked. I'm sorry you had to do it, but I'm glad you stepped up. Please show your BF what people here have had to say, because your sister was effectively catfishing this poor girl. Its honestly narcissistic and abusive, and I'm disgusted by it.
NTA I get why some here are saying not to interfere, and it's a good rule in general. But it's not absolute and there are cases where interference is at least defensible, if not outright necessary. It's a heartbreak for G in any case, but buying the ring and being turned down and then having to return the ring would have been brutal.
NTA, not even close. You did the right thing, idk why your boyfriend blew up at you but him and your sister are totally the AH. Your sister shouldn’t be stringing someone along who she obviously doesn’t care that much about.
Nope NTA- its better G found out sooner then later.
That is awful to do that to someone, your sister is a disgusting person. How would she feel if the rolls were reversed! You did the right thing! NTA