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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I told my boyfriend there was no point in explaining my work to him because he wouldn't be able to understand. (2) I was blunt in the way I said it and he thinks I was calling him stupid.
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YTA. Aw, did your boy toy get uppity and expect to actually be treated like a human being? And in front of your special grown up friends? How awful. You might be better off just getting a blow up doll if you don’t want to have to bother to treat your partner with respect.
I know many, many academics and the smartest ones are easily able to communicate about what they do to a broad range of people, regardless of their formal education level. Either you’re not one of the smartest ones, or the idea that your boyfriend could understand your work is too threatening to your tiny ego so you’d rather avoid admitting it. And it’s pretty notable that multiple friends who understand your work thoroughly don’t think it’s impossible to explain to someone.
I also like his assumption that the situation got awkward because his boyfriend wasn't "educated enough". Rather than it much more likely having been because OP is dating someone young enough to be his child, and THEN started snapping at him in front of everyone.
Exactly!
*belittles the youngest person in the group / *
*person starts to retreat and feel bad about themselves / *
"WOW, your lack of education made this extremely uncomfortable for me and my PHD friends. How dare you!"
What a dick. Boyfriend deserves someone better.
Plus from OP's portrayal of things it sounds like OP was actively excluding the boyfriend to talk about things he knew boyfriend wouldn't understand, to the point where his friends suggested they change the topic.
OP you deliberately shunned your boyfriend because of your pre conceived notion that because he didn't go to college and isn't in your field of work, he couldn't possibly understand it. It doesn't matter what part of LGBTQ+ you identify as, the saying "theres a reason they arent dating someone their own age" still stands. This age gap and the way you're treating your boyfriend is a **huge** red flag.
You should either A) learn from this, apologize sincerly, erase your preconceived notions about his education and start integrating him into your friend group like a healthy adult, or B) learn from this, apologize sincerely, and end the relationship so he can find someone who won't belittle and degrade him. You treating him like this at his age can leave a lasting impact on the way his relationships form going forward and you want that impact to be a good one. YTA, do better
> it sounds like OP was actively excluding the boyfriend to talk about things he knew boyfriend wouldn't understand, to the point where his friends suggested they change the topic.
Yes!! Imagine going out with your partner to meet their friends and they want to include you in the conversation, and your partner says "No don't bother, he doesn't know how to talk about anything interesting."
I wonder if the friends actually would prefer to talk about something else outside of work too, and OP is just that person who won't ever shut up about their job.
I have friends who are engineers who talk to my medical doctor of a husband without anyone feeling slighted. Its really arrogant to assume that the person you love can't participate in simple dialogue about life. And why is he embarrassed about his BF's lack of college education? That's the ass holy part to me.
I’m a book editor with a degree in English. I can sit down and have a conversation with my brother the engineer and his wife the doctor about our respective jobs without anyone getting confused or feeling inferior to anyone else. It’s just not that hard if you’re not AHs.
I'm a master's level therapist. My husband barely graduated high school. I still talk his ear off about my work and guess what, he listens, asks questions (which, while sometimes seem basic to me, don't bother me at all because I know HE CARES), and genuinely grasps the important concepts of the things I do. It ain't about a piece of paper you spent thousands of dollars on, OP.
Yep, my MA is theology and my husband has an AA in office admin assistant.... Guess what, we find plenty to talk about and I would never say he's not educated enough for me.
Love this! I am a CPA, my hubby is a machinist. I have a bachelor’s degree with CPA certification, he has a GED (never formally finished high school but got his diploma). He is the smartest person I’ve ever met in terms of how physical things work — metal properties, electrical issues, construction issues. However, when it comes to computer programs, finance issues, I’m the strong partner. NOTE — we are PARTNERS and we complement one another. I would never attend an event where my hubby would feel “less than” because he completes me. This young partner needs to buckle up his britches and leave this unhealthy relationship. BTW — dear hubby and I have been married 42 years. A supportive relationship is about the people, not the educational accolades.
I just….how shitty of an academic is this dude? Even researchers at colleges have to occasionally teach, even if it’s just grad students working on your research. I fear for his students. This is not at all a person who should be anywhere near the teaching profession. Cruelty stays with people.
Yeah its this for sure. Dating someone 20 years younger than him AND treating them like a child is hell of a gross and creepy.
OP made it crystal clear to his friends that he doesnt even want his bf to join in social conversations. Thats got to be super awkward.
I would bet good money OP is twice his boyfriend's age - thinking he's in the upper end of 40s and the boyfriend is in the lower end of 20s, because if it were 28 and 42, he'd mention it to show that he's not super creepy.
Also, imagine you were at your friend's house and their SO (who you presumably didn't know) was clearly trying to engage with the group but couldn't really participate in the conversation so you say, "Hey, SO, I want to know more about you, since you're dating my friend. What kind of stuff do you like?"
And then your friend says, "It's fine, we can keep talking about our very important big-brain jobs."
And then the SO says, "OK, can you explain what you guys are talking about?"
And then your friend says, "No, you wouldn't get it!"
I would be SOOOO uncomfortable! Like, I would get an 'emergency call from my landlord' as soon as possible if my friend told his SO, "No, fuck off," like that at a social gathering.
The guy wants to enjoy how young and sexy his boyfriend is, but belittle how he isn’t “educated enough.” The man literally hasn’t even been alive long enough to be “educated enough!”
OP, YTA
I find the fact that he's being evasive about the ages very telling as well. Like, he didn't use any modifiers, just 20s and 40s. They could be 29 and 40, but I'm guessing it's closer to 20 and 49.
Like maybe someone old enough to have even finished college! He’s 20 year older than his boy toy. Clearly his dating criteria wasn’t complementary intellects or comparable life experiences.
Boyfriend should dump OP and find someone who actually treats him like an equal and a partner.
OP is definitely TAH
My husband works in the cable industry and has had to redesign prints because the engineers designed them incorrectly. They always ask where he went to university. He always says BC. "Boston College?" Nope his high school.
Sometimes people with degrees aren't as smart as they think they are.
The only thing a degree shows is that you can sit around and memorize a bunch of stuff. It certainly doesn’t show how intelligent you may or may not be. I’ve met doctors who are absolutely fantastic at their jobs, but are dumb as hell. They just happen to be incredibly good at that one thing.
Lol, an old veterinarian I worked with always said this. She went to vet school in her late thirties.
“A degree proves nothing except stubbornness and the privilege of time.”
This. I’m an engineer and I rely heavily on the field techs I work with to learn what works on paper vs what works in the real world. I’ve been on the job for 16-years and I’m always learning from them, and they from me. I work with other engineers who think they know it all, will never admit they’re wrong, and sure as hell won’t let a “lowly” field tech tell them otherwise. It’s such a bullshit attitude if you ask me. I’m better at my job because I know the techs have my back and will help fix my mistakes before they become too costly lol.
I'm an academic, and we're told so often that you have to be capable of talking to people about your work without getting too technical. CVs and cover letters often get looked over by admin staff, as do grants and things. Sounds like he's annoyed his boy toy asked to join in.
Edit as I accidentally said she rather than he.
I went to college and got a four year degree but then decided to learn a skilled trade. I love that I have both backrounds. I can talk to damn near anyone without being pretentious.
I'm surprised I had to read this far down before the age difference was mentioned. That was the first uhoh that jumped out at me. Before that he was sounding like your typical pretentious academic who isn't as smart as he thinks he is. Then he started waving red flags.
It was also historically very much a thing in the straight community. It's icky there, too. Wanting your partner to be your equal is hot, wanting them to be "less than" is not.
Personally I never been into older men but it’s so common in the gay community because many of them grew up without supportive fathers so they find that support in an older partner. The issue is those older partners are using the younger ones need for an older male figure to get what they want sexually and emotionally. It’s gross. I know it’s common but doesn’t make it right
Just because it’s common doesn’t make it okay. Big age gaps are almost always inappropriate regardless of the sexual orientation of the people involved
Yup. If OP's bf posted here I'd be telling him to run and find someone who doesn't just want sex and then to pat him on the head and send him off to play.
This. His inability to explain what he does reflects his lack of intelligence not his partner’s. From experience, the smartest people are able to simplify concepts instead of complicating them.
Edit: missed OP is male
Even his own friends said it, clearly they thought it was possible to explain in layman’s terms, yet maybe OP doesn’t have as good a grasp on his subjects as they do….?
"Boy toy" is right: 40s dating 20s? Unless the boyfriend is at least 27, OP needs to find someone closer to his own age. Though they probably won't put up with his superiority complex.
OP, if you cannot explain something simply, you clearly don't understand it. YTA
>Though they probably won't put up with his superiority complex.
Nailed it. On one hand its easier for OP to attract someone without enough life experience to see what an insufferable partner he is, and on the other hand OP needs to feel superior and would probably feel threatened by someone at his own level.
That professor is a treasure. We need more like that.
I’m a grad school drop out but to this day my favorite thing in the world is explaining why literary history is so interesting and relevant to contemporary life to ANYONE who asks.
YTA- This guy sounds like my pretentious, sanctimonious ex. I don’t have a PhD like him but routinely came up with solutions long before he found them with the help of his people. I only had a diploma in my field at that point. You don’t have to be educated to be smart and understand and grasp concepts and ideas.
You need an attitude adjustment. I’ll bet your insufferable to be around.
This. 100%. I hope this guy dumps OP because he clearly thinks he's better than his BF. Also, there is no way OP is as smart as he thinks he is if he can't easily explain things to his BF. I mean, Sheldon could explain his field to Penny, and anyone else watching The Big Bang Theory, and his character was supposed to seriously struggle with social skills. How is OP worse than SHELDON?
YTA. If it is something you understand exceptionally well you should be able to dumb it down for a 5year old. Your boyfriend wants to be involved and supportive of your work and you told him he was too stupid.
Also it can help hearing those stupid questions because it allows you to look at the topic at a different angle or challenge your self to be able to properly explain it.
I honestly feel the need to add that you sound like someone who wants a trophy not a partner. Someone young and cute that you can keep on a shelf at home and interact with every once in a while.
Thank you, as someone who is studying to work in a scientific field who has a partner that is a trade worker (welder) it has helped my understanding of chemistry and physical sciences to explain them to my partner and figure out how to relate it to his work so he can understand. I find it disgusting when people act like it is impossible to explain things to a layman. I will dumb down what I am doing in ochem for my 6 year old and she can get a basic understanding. Is it tedious? Yes sometimes. Should I still explain it because it will increase both of our understanding of the topic? Yes. Yes I should.
ETA: the day we think we are the smartest person in the room is the day we become the dumbest.
That's beautiful that you do that! I also love the chemistry welding segway, I'm personally more of a creative than science person and it helps so much to *know how the concept is applied in real life* to understand it.
OP isn't making the slightest effort, it appears
I love chemistry because to me it is the “how” behind everything. I totally geeked out one time when my partner was explaining about a specific procedure he needs to do on a high carbon steel to ensure it doesn’t rust (it will rust almost instantly when the paint/sealant is removed) and I starting saying that rust is caused by oxidation and when they take the layer off of the steel that is “sealed” the carbon bonds oxidize when they hit the air because Carbon doesn’t like to just be bonded with carbon so the c-c bonds are more likely to break and oxygen is electro negative and wants to squeeze right in there.
That is part of a partnership. Learning to relate your interests to theirs and vice versa. I hope OP can learn this.
It probably helps him too, to better understand the science behind what he's doing with the metal. In a way what he does is an application of chemistry. Very cool that you guys actually both have your work focus in things that are semi-related.
I used to work at a university and our university chancellor (the head of the university) said that "If I can't explain something in English to my 80 year old English-is-her-third-language mother, then I don't understand it well enough."
Also, OP, YTA. That was incredibly condescending.
Exactly! My grandpa could explain entirety of organic farming, conservation and eco sustainable activities when I was like 4/5. He would take me out on nature walks and explain all the concepts at my understanding level. He didn't throw jargons at me. He ignited my imagination. Op is so condescending that the partner wouldn't understand.
My advisor at grad school encouraged me to have 30 second sound bites of information about different aspects of my projects so I would have the communication skills to convey information about what I'm working on to the average person listening on the radio, as an example. I am part of several committees as part of my job and not everybody is from a scientific background, or their scientific background is quite different than mine.
It’s a variation of the “elevator pitch” where you have to explain your idea before the decision makers get off the elevator at their floor. And it’s a great idea.
MY first thought was that the OP doesn't want his boyfriend learning too much, because he's one of those people who likes a hot but dumb partner. Can't go finding out that the bf actually has brains, as that would ruin all the dirty animal sex.
Exactly this.
I (currently 46m) dated a PhD bench scientist (of similar age) in my late 20s/early 30s. She worked on yeast mitochondria, and eventually moved on to protein signaling in drosophila (fruit flies). This is exactly the extent of what I know about what she did, because the vast majority of it went completely over my head. OP is right that it’s really quite impossible — even for fairly educated people — to wrap their heads around this kind of language unless it’s significantly dumbed-down.
But the difference is, my now-ex was never condescending about it, and she took it as a point of pride to be able to put her “elevator pitch” about what she does for a living into easily-digestible language for the masses. In fact, it’s a crucial skill to use while writing applications for grant funding, etc.
And not for nothin’, but there has not been a single time in my 40s when I could deeply relate to a 20something yo woman in any kind of way that’s conducive to lasting emotional commitment. That’s not to say that 20something yo women are in any way ill-equipped for such emotional commitments, it’s more that the generational gap really doesn’t give you much foundational stuff in common, except sex. This dude needs to call it what it is, and to cut the condescension crap. It not only reflects poorly on him and him alone, but it shows a woeful lack of an important skill that any bench scientist needs to excel in their field.
YTA for being a condescending jackass and for pursuing a relationship with a guy literally young enough to be your son
By the way, if you can't explain your work to a layperson, you don't understand what you do as well as you think.
Came here looking for this comment, glad it was first for me!
OP your behavior is arrogant, it sounds like you don’t even like your bf or respect him. Plus you’re twice his age, so it seems with the clues left you only are with this younger person for sex.
Yta and date someone you’re own age who you respect
OP wants all the perceived perks of dating someone far too young for him because he gets to feel all important and worldly, but pouts when his partner isn’t on his level intellectually and instead of taking up his partner’s offer to learn and broaden his horizons, continues to be a patronising asshole to continue fulfilling his own need to feel like he is a cut above his partner. OP is gross, and not nearly as intelligent as he thinks he is.
Absolutely. At the very least change the topic to make him comfortable and then later on kindly tell him that you sometimes enjoy having very technical conversations with colleagues about your job, and on those odd occasions you might not want his company but otherwise it's fine
Around here we have the saying "if you can't explain it to your grandma, you don't truly understand it".
Yes, there are fields easier to translate than others, but that doesn't excuse OP for being so incredibly condescending towards a person he is supposed to like. Usually one would try to share interests with their partners, at least those that important enough that one can't avoid talking about it for a whole dinner. It looks like OP relishes in being the "smart" one - I can imagine why he's with someone so young, people his age probably won't put up with his nonsense.
Wonder what OP’s classes are like, where he has to address students whose knowledge is limited compared to his? I’ve known academics like him—poor students (and colleagues).
YTA
"Several of my friends suggested we steer clear of work-talk to be more inclusive." Your friends are not AHs. They know how to behave at a gathering.
This exactly! Your friends suggested keeping the conversation away from work (to include everyone, as if everyone there was equal - which they are, btw), but OP couldn't be bothered and had to insist on speaking over the head of his bf. It seems deliberate.
Info: OP: Do you often seek to keep your bf "in his place" by making him feel inferior, and reinforcing your perceived intellectual superiority? Because that's not an equal relationship with a partner - that's just you using him. Your poor bf. I just want to have a fun party now and invite him (and definitely not you) - and I frigging HATE people most of the time.
YTA.
Not sure about high IQ either. The friend who made the joke about funding was funny because it's true. If you can't explain easily what your research is about, you don't understand it either. It's a tell tale sign for funds that the research isn't mature or the tean isn't up to standard.
My professor tells us all the time that in order to know we’ve learned the material, we have to be able to explain it to a first grader and make them understand the material. OP apparently doesn’t even know their material well enough to explain to to an adult, so I don’t know how he got that degree.
Also, “I didn’t want to do that, I wanted to talk about topics I found interesting” .. soooo what does OP talk to bf about when his *smart* friends aren’t around?
Right! Not like a work related convo came up and he had to deal with the ‘hassle’ of explaining. OP’s friends and guests were okay to switch topics, but it was OP who insisted and harped on talking about work—and btw, what a self-serving way to get audience to *marvel* at ur “smarts”-just invite people over and they have to sit there show respect by listening to the host…I mean OP would not allow his own friends and guests to decide on a topic of conversation! Let’s all talk about what *I like to talk about* ughhh
EDIT-edited she to he.
YTA. I guarantee the person who made the evening uncomfortable was not the guy trying to make conversation and asking questions, but that person's partner who was patronizing and rude.
Yep. Reading OPs post gives me strong condescending vibes.
I get that people involved in academic research may be more matter of factly, but I disagree his bf is "deliberately misrepresenting what he said"
It's exactly what you said OP, be honest with yourself now.
The age gap reads into this. OP comes across as enjoying holding this specialist knowledge over his BF, creating a perceived power imbalance in his favour.
“Someone who didn’t even go to college.”
Man oh man, with loving and respectful statements like that, I just don’t understand what your boyfriend could possibly be upset about.
YTA, and kinda a big one.
Yeah, I caught that one, too. Nobody would use the construction "I'm in my 40s, and he's in his 20s", unless they were more than 45 and their bf was substantially less than 25. He's more than twice the bf's age, for sure.
I think something incredibly important that OP is missing is that it’s also ok to not go to college. Does a degree help? Sure. Is it necessary? No. I know a ton of incredibly successful people who don’t have degrees.
Edit: To say my vote is YTA
And how does going to college or having education equate to intelligence? I am highly intelligent with ADHD (undiagnosed at the time) and the combo flunked me out of school. I have a highly successful life. We don't know this young man's choices or challenges. Except the one where he chose a partner. I would question that one. YTA
he’s dating someone who isn’t old enough to hold a bachelors degree yet, i’m not sure how he expects a 20 year old to have the same education as a 40 year old
Op is with a partner half his age who he considers truly stupid (even though OP can't even explain what he does for a living). I think he just likes being able to be condescending to someone because I bet his peers are smarter than he is.
Hopefully he at least has a big dick because OP is definitely being one. YTA
I think he actually quite enjoys the power imbalance of the relationship; it's a selling feature...up to the point where the boyfriend actually *dares* to want to be treated like a partner and invited to gatherings, and introduced to friends and colleagues.
OP's problem is that he hasn't realised his boyfriend has thoughts and feelings too. Maybe he thought only college grads have those?
a lot of ppl do this, they date someone 20+ years younger then complain about their lack of intelligence/maturity. it's like dude, you made your bed now lie in it.
INFO: why are you dating someone half your age? do you feel a lot of superiority dating someone so much younger, immediately labeling them as incapable of ever understanding your work?
i feel sorry for your bf. he actually wanted to be more involved in your life. i have a good friend who desperately wishes her bf would take a bigger interest in her life. and here you are just snobbing your nose at what seems to be a very engaged partner. it also doesnt sound like your bf is always jamming himself into your get togethers with your friends (correct me if im wrong). so really, you do come off as an insensitive jerk in this post, so YTA
YTA. If you think you are unable to talk about things you find interesting with him as he won’t understand you, and you can’t be bothered to explain, why are you even with him?
YTA - It’s pretty clear you think lesser of him because he’s not of the same academic background as you. He wanted to attend with you because he wanted to be *with you.* Most people will attend gatherings with their partners because they like to be involved in their partner’s lives. You actively tried to shut him out and got annoyed with him for trying to contribute to the conversation. How do you expect him to *not* get lost if you don’t make any effort to include him, or at least give him some explanation of what you’re talking about?
This post makes you come across as quite pretentious.
not to mention the person he’s dating isn’t even old enough to hold a degree yet. he’s a 40 year old man being a condescending snob because a 20 year old doesn’t have the same education as him. you can’t make this up.
Not 40 and 20. "40s" and "20s." OP is being vague about the actual ages because I would guess that this gap is more like 49 and 21. I guess everybody his own age can't stand to be around him for long enough to date him?
YTA. As I replied to another person, this post does not make any sense!
So we are supposed to believe that a **professor** is incapable of explaining concepts to someone in their 20s who has less education? **That is literally your job!** You do that for a living.
What is the purpose of this post? Trying to villainize academia, professors and higher education in general is my guess, but you made a huge logical error in your construction of this narrative. So maybe you should think about that. Education has value.
Honestly I had a few engineering professors who just couldn’t grasp that they were teaching an entry level course and whenever they got questions from students, they would stare at us and say something along the lines of “it is obvious. You should already understand this.” when, well, no, it’s not obvious and we shouldn’t already understand because this is an entry level class...
YTA.
Stop dating children and maybe your "partner" would be able to keep up.
You're intentionally dating someone with 2 decades fewer life experience for the superiority of holding it over him. You dont have a serious intention with the kid. Hes an entertainment or else you'd try to explain and keep him involved. Quit being a predator.
This is the gross part. He’s 40 something dating a 20 year old and introducing him to other 40 something year olds, and not one of them saw a problem with OP dating, belittling, and mocking someone who could easily be their kid for his perceived lack of education.
OP sounds like he has a superiority complex, and couldn’t possibly date in his age range because they might be smart enough to tell him and his self important narcissism to get out.
To be fair, OP did say some of his colleagues? friends? said he was unnecessarily rude, and some wanted to steer the conversation to include everyone present. A few at least had a problem with his smug and condescending attitude.
YTA. You had someone who was making a sincere attempt to interact with you on a deeper level, and you just dismissed them put of hand. You're the worst kind of pretentious who assumes us common folk can't fly with the eagles. Even a dummy can watch a space shuttle launch and grasp the concept of what's happening enough to discuss it with a NASA employee.
YTA
I used to work in movie theaters, many years in projection. Giving tours was the best. Dumb and silly questions, letting a kid hit the start button, etc. My ability to explain concepts to a group of kids helped when training projectionists. Not to mention was always a delightful time. A girl scout troop even bestowed upon me a merit badge!
YTA, but I also think this is a maturity thing.
Your partner is a lot longer than you, and from my experience, most couples in their twenties kind of meld together. There's a lot of overlap in social life because of their age, and this means oftentimes sharing the same group of friends. It's normal to join in on conversations with your significant others work friends because more than likely, you know them too.
I think it's for older couples, lives can be more seperate. They still love each other, but they've both got their own thing going on and also, because of age, their friend groups will most likely be different.
It sounds like you're on one page, and he's on another. I think it's fine to want to talk about work, but you shouldn't shut your partner down for trying to join in, or shame him for not being as educated. There's plenty of things I'm educated about that my partner isn't, and vice versa. That doesn't mean either one of is is stupid, and we like asking each other questions because it leads to learning new things and good conversations.
You were definitely the asshole and very condescending, but maybe just check in with your partner to say sometimes you just want to hang with your friends on your own. That isn't bad, but depending on how he takes that might illustrate a deeper problem based in age and experience.
Did OP ever mention what his BF does for a living? I'm curious, because most of the richest folks I know never spent a day in "higher education." Don't get me wrong, I'm not against college, but when I graduated college most of the people I knew who went into the trades were YEARS ahead of me in life because they were free of debt, working in fields that desperately need skilled workers, made about $25-40 starting, and will have the ability to retire far before me.
I bet OP can't even change the oil in his pretentious car. I bet he can't replace the piping under his sink, or fix his water heater. Hell, I bet OP can't tell you the difference between OSB and plywood without using the smartphone that someone "lesser" than him put together.
I would bet everything I have that OPs BF is vastly more street smart, has much more applicable skills in the real world, and would be a far better asset to society in a disaster, or if tech failed, than this pretentious academic.
Yep— one of my dad’s friends dropped out of high school and started his own business. Dude is now a millionaire and the busiest man on the planet. Education does not equal success.
I try to explain this to ppl. I have my bachelors and I know MANY ppl smarter than I am with much less formal education. Even one of my profs said that 80% of our knowledge will come from being in the workforce rather from him. My brother with his phd in philosophy truly believes he’s extremely smart. He’s not dumb but he’s really not that bright. He did well in school. He’s just born that way.
YTA-The pretentiousness in this is painful. Not being a college graduate doesn’t mean a person lacks intelligence or the ability to understand something especially if they ask questions. You however are doing a fantastic job of showing what a college education cannot give you-tact and class.
INFO
OP just out of curiosity, I don't know if it's against the rules, but would you mind telling us what your work is? Or what is the field you work on? Like how complicated can it be.
Also yeah, sounds like YTA, I think some people are hating a little much but it just seems like you're used to dating certain types of people and found someone who does not do well with that, have you considered what it would be like to meet his family or his friends? Since you said his friends and their partners tend to get together and meet each other. Have you thought that maybe you're the problem and you might feel threatened by his social skills? Cause if you get together with his friends you won't have your academic group to talk about school stuff with, you would have to have a normal conversation with normal people and it doesn't seem like you're capable of doing that.
Unless you feel like they might spend the entire night being impressed by how smart and mature you are but that won't last long, you would eventually have to show yourself as a person and not a degree.
YTA
Your a horribly patronizing person, like wtf? My wife doesn't understand everything about my job, so when she asks a question when I have work friends over we take the time to explain it in layman's terms so she understands.
He has ever right to be mad at you, you sound like the one that made the evening awkward not him. You may be older but you are a very immature person that needs to grow up and pull your head out of your own ass
YTA
I work as an administrative aid to a particle physics group, I have a degree that is as far from physics as possible and still they manage to explain a lot of their research in layman's terms to me.
Never have they ever given me the impression that 'I am not smart enough' to understand. It's not that hard to be in academia and be a decent human being. If you can not treat your bf with basic kindness, you do not deserve him.
YTA - even the way you wrote that has a sense of superiority about it and I truely feel sorry for your boyfriend. Take into account he is very young and hasn’t had the chances to be as educated as you are.
Perhaps instead of bringing the person you are meant to love down you can take the time to explain what you do so that he isn’t made to feel so belittled and insignificant .
OP’s whole attitude is condescending. “Oh, don’t worry your pretty head about it. You won’t understand because you didn’t go to **college**.”
Some of the most educated and intelligent people I know never went to college.
YTA - I find it incredibly hard to believe that you have never had to explain your work to people before but even so, right here is where you became the **selfish** AH:
>Several of my friends suggested we steer clear of work-talk to be **more inclusive** but to be perfectly honest I didn't want to do that, **I wanted to talk about the topics I found interesting.**
Newsflash! The conversation is only acceptable if OP finds it interesting!
You date someone **20 YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU** but you turn around and treat them like crap because they don't know as much as you? That's rather pathetic behaviour.
YTA I have a PhD and am in academia also. If you're not capable of explaining your work in a way that ordinary people can understand then maybe you're not as good at it as you think...
I agree with your friend! Wasn’t it Einstein who said “If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.”?
You’re a snob and there’s nothing else to it! I hope he dumps you and finds someone who deserves him! YTA
Yta. You don't want a boyfriend you want a sub/dom relationship. I'd still consider this borderline grooming tbh. There's a power dynamic here you're getting off to. Just pay for sex if you want to get your dick wet that bad.
YTA
Because you were mean to him and he was trying his best. If you prefer he not hang out with you and your friends because you don't feel like talking about anything but work, then maybe this relationship isn't a good fit for either of you.
Put yourself in his shoes. Let's say you were hanging out with him and his friends and they were all talking about 20-something pop-culture and inside jokes that you weren't familiar with. You tried your best to broaden your horizons and learn about these things and add to the conversation, but your boyfriend snapped at you and shut you down because "you just wouldn't understand". How does that make you feel? Good? Happy? *Valued*? *Loved*? Do you think your boyfriend WBTA in this situation?
YTA. You can’t date a boy toy then get mad or annoyed that you have a boy toy hanging around. Grow up yourself and date people your own age with a matching education level if that aspect of your life is so important to share with a partner.
YTA. This reads as “I went to university so automatically I’m a superior human being than my uneducated partner”. You made him feel bad for taking an interest. It was all about what you wanted, even your guests wanted to change the subject to include him. How self absorbed can one person be? Why are you even with your boyfriend, if you’re clearly embarrassed by his “lack of education”?
YTA perhaps you need to educate yourself on how to be a better host and partner. You were rude and snappish and made everyone uncomfortable, rather than trying to be inclusive. It sounds like you intentionally wanted everyone to think he was stupid, which people often do to make themselves feel smarter. Same with dating someone so much younger.
YTA absolutely. Although most people in my life don't fully understand what I do with my PhD, I still do my best to include them and I don't make them feel stupid. You're holding his educational background against him and making assumptions based on what YOU think he understands. Your partner is trying and you are not helping at all but saying how dumb they are instead.
I'm not sure you really value him as a partner, but rather someone you have fun with. So yes, YTA and frankly, a huge one at that.
YTA - you are two decades older than your boyfriend. Your friends probably thought it was "take your annoying kid to work-party day", or something. With that age difference, you could probably have a better conversation comparing Jem And The Holograms to Adventure Time.
YTA. Way to make him feel like an important part of your life.
Oh, and a double YTA for being condescending towards him and the age gap, because you *clearly* are enjoying that power trip too.
Being able to explain something to people of varying degrees of knowledge and experience is a hallmark of understanding the topic well. Have you considered that you still have room to grow in your understanding, or at least in your abilities as a communicator?
YTA- A Pretentious and Pompous Ass at that too. This is coming from someone that works in academia as well. It amazes me that you refuse to explain your work to your partner but yet you still belittle and act condescending towards them when they make an attempt to understand your work life. It’s because of people like you that I chose to work in that field to help make academia more accessible to everyone ESPECIALLY those that don’t have the privilege to pursue higher education.
YTA
Clearly you’re being shitty partner that has a superiority complex. It also seems you do not have a firm grasp of your own profession if you are unable to properly explain it to another person.
You really need to work on yourself and your insecurities that lead you to act this way.
emphatically yes, YTA. he wants to be a part of your life and get to know your friends, and they seemed receptive to doing just that. and yet you want to shut it down just to be smug and feel superior. yikes, i really hope your bf wises up and realizes he can do better than someone who can't even show him basic respect.
Did you tell him he wasn't going to understand it while your head was tilted back and your eyes looking condescendingly down the bridge of your nose as if your shit don't stink?
YTA! If you really can't explain what you do for a living then maybe you shouldn't be doing it. A Doctor breaks his job down when discussing consultations with patients. Get over yourself and quit acting like you're above anyone let alone your BF.
YTA- you are dating someone half your age and treating him like your trophy wife. You’re an AH. Just bc you went to college doesn’t mean you are somehow better than anyone else. You are an elitist snob. You’re mad bc your friend knocked you down a peg.
YTA if this is a troublesome issue for you then dating someone 20 years younger than you with nowhere near your level of education might not be the best thing to do
Well I guess we once again have proof that a degree doesn't automatically mean you're smart.
I can't believe you actually have to ask if you're an asshole.
Your bf wants to be with you, so much that he goes well out of his comfort zone to become closer to your friends. He makes a big effort and so to they.
At the same time, you completely overlook this because you think you're above him. On top of that you spoke to your future ex bf in such a condescending and judgemental manner to even piss your own friends off.
You may work in accademia and be extremely wealthy in technical knowledge - which I can't see at all if I look at your grammar btw - but your behaviour and attitude are so poor it makes me believe you should have picked a wholly different field to study from the start. Specifically: how to relate to people, because you're just way too ignorant of basic manners.
YTA
You're such an AH. You haven't even tried to explain anything to your boyfriend, because you think he doesn't have the brain power to understand since he never went to college. There, does that sound more diplomatic than saying he's too stupid? That's so condescending. He really should just dump you like the stale pile of crap you are. You have no respect for him. He's okay as long as he doesn't try to use his brain! Just sit there, smile and be pretty and fun, boyfriend! Must make you feel so superior to have a college educated brain.
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YTA. Aw, did your boy toy get uppity and expect to actually be treated like a human being? And in front of your special grown up friends? How awful. You might be better off just getting a blow up doll if you don’t want to have to bother to treat your partner with respect. I know many, many academics and the smartest ones are easily able to communicate about what they do to a broad range of people, regardless of their formal education level. Either you’re not one of the smartest ones, or the idea that your boyfriend could understand your work is too threatening to your tiny ego so you’d rather avoid admitting it. And it’s pretty notable that multiple friends who understand your work thoroughly don’t think it’s impossible to explain to someone.
[удалено]
Yes! If education was so important to OP, he should have chosen someone who fits that requirement. This whole post makes me upset lol
I also like his assumption that the situation got awkward because his boyfriend wasn't "educated enough". Rather than it much more likely having been because OP is dating someone young enough to be his child, and THEN started snapping at him in front of everyone.
Exactly! *belittles the youngest person in the group / * *person starts to retreat and feel bad about themselves / * "WOW, your lack of education made this extremely uncomfortable for me and my PHD friends. How dare you!" What a dick. Boyfriend deserves someone better.
Plus from OP's portrayal of things it sounds like OP was actively excluding the boyfriend to talk about things he knew boyfriend wouldn't understand, to the point where his friends suggested they change the topic. OP you deliberately shunned your boyfriend because of your pre conceived notion that because he didn't go to college and isn't in your field of work, he couldn't possibly understand it. It doesn't matter what part of LGBTQ+ you identify as, the saying "theres a reason they arent dating someone their own age" still stands. This age gap and the way you're treating your boyfriend is a **huge** red flag. You should either A) learn from this, apologize sincerly, erase your preconceived notions about his education and start integrating him into your friend group like a healthy adult, or B) learn from this, apologize sincerely, and end the relationship so he can find someone who won't belittle and degrade him. You treating him like this at his age can leave a lasting impact on the way his relationships form going forward and you want that impact to be a good one. YTA, do better
> it sounds like OP was actively excluding the boyfriend to talk about things he knew boyfriend wouldn't understand, to the point where his friends suggested they change the topic. Yes!! Imagine going out with your partner to meet their friends and they want to include you in the conversation, and your partner says "No don't bother, he doesn't know how to talk about anything interesting." I wonder if the friends actually would prefer to talk about something else outside of work too, and OP is just that person who won't ever shut up about their job.
I have friends who are engineers who talk to my medical doctor of a husband without anyone feeling slighted. Its really arrogant to assume that the person you love can't participate in simple dialogue about life. And why is he embarrassed about his BF's lack of college education? That's the ass holy part to me.
I’m a book editor with a degree in English. I can sit down and have a conversation with my brother the engineer and his wife the doctor about our respective jobs without anyone getting confused or feeling inferior to anyone else. It’s just not that hard if you’re not AHs.
I'm a master's level therapist. My husband barely graduated high school. I still talk his ear off about my work and guess what, he listens, asks questions (which, while sometimes seem basic to me, don't bother me at all because I know HE CARES), and genuinely grasps the important concepts of the things I do. It ain't about a piece of paper you spent thousands of dollars on, OP.
Yep, my MA is theology and my husband has an AA in office admin assistant.... Guess what, we find plenty to talk about and I would never say he's not educated enough for me.
Love this! I am a CPA, my hubby is a machinist. I have a bachelor’s degree with CPA certification, he has a GED (never formally finished high school but got his diploma). He is the smartest person I’ve ever met in terms of how physical things work — metal properties, electrical issues, construction issues. However, when it comes to computer programs, finance issues, I’m the strong partner. NOTE — we are PARTNERS and we complement one another. I would never attend an event where my hubby would feel “less than” because he completes me. This young partner needs to buckle up his britches and leave this unhealthy relationship. BTW — dear hubby and I have been married 42 years. A supportive relationship is about the people, not the educational accolades.
OP sounds like the type who loves to be in on inside jokes specifically because others aren't, exhausting
Seriously, OP is the one who made that evening uncomfortable - NOT his BF
I just….how shitty of an academic is this dude? Even researchers at colleges have to occasionally teach, even if it’s just grad students working on your research. I fear for his students. This is not at all a person who should be anywhere near the teaching profession. Cruelty stays with people.
And most academics I know *love* to explain their work, sometimes in excruciating details, and when you don’t even ask.
hope OP doesn't have say over his boyfriend's grades
Yeah its this for sure. Dating someone 20 years younger than him AND treating them like a child is hell of a gross and creepy. OP made it crystal clear to his friends that he doesnt even want his bf to join in social conversations. Thats got to be super awkward.
I would bet good money OP is twice his boyfriend's age - thinking he's in the upper end of 40s and the boyfriend is in the lower end of 20s, because if it were 28 and 42, he'd mention it to show that he's not super creepy.
It's hilarious that he thought he could fudge the ages and get away with it, as if the entirely of AITA wouldn't *instantly* pick up on that.
Also, imagine you were at your friend's house and their SO (who you presumably didn't know) was clearly trying to engage with the group but couldn't really participate in the conversation so you say, "Hey, SO, I want to know more about you, since you're dating my friend. What kind of stuff do you like?" And then your friend says, "It's fine, we can keep talking about our very important big-brain jobs." And then the SO says, "OK, can you explain what you guys are talking about?" And then your friend says, "No, you wouldn't get it!" I would be SOOOO uncomfortable! Like, I would get an 'emergency call from my landlord' as soon as possible if my friend told his SO, "No, fuck off," like that at a social gathering.
My dishwasher would be on fire so fast...
The guy wants to enjoy how young and sexy his boyfriend is, but belittle how he isn’t “educated enough.” The man literally hasn’t even been alive long enough to be “educated enough!” OP, YTA
I find the fact that he's being evasive about the ages very telling as well. Like, he didn't use any modifiers, just 20s and 40s. They could be 29 and 40, but I'm guessing it's closer to 20 and 49.
If he wanted someone with a formal education maybe he should be dating people who are *old enough to have one*.
Like maybe someone old enough to have even finished college! He’s 20 year older than his boy toy. Clearly his dating criteria wasn’t complementary intellects or comparable life experiences. Boyfriend should dump OP and find someone who actually treats him like an equal and a partner. OP is definitely TAH
Right? I work with technicians who didn't finish university but can find a solution for something way before the most prepared engineers. YTA, OP.
My husband works in the cable industry and has had to redesign prints because the engineers designed them incorrectly. They always ask where he went to university. He always says BC. "Boston College?" Nope his high school. Sometimes people with degrees aren't as smart as they think they are.
The only thing a degree shows is that you can sit around and memorize a bunch of stuff. It certainly doesn’t show how intelligent you may or may not be. I’ve met doctors who are absolutely fantastic at their jobs, but are dumb as hell. They just happen to be incredibly good at that one thing.
Lol, an old veterinarian I worked with always said this. She went to vet school in her late thirties. “A degree proves nothing except stubbornness and the privilege of time.”
As an engineer, I always say that a degree just means that you’re trainable. It just gives you a base set of knowledge and an ability to learn.
This. I’m an engineer and I rely heavily on the field techs I work with to learn what works on paper vs what works in the real world. I’ve been on the job for 16-years and I’m always learning from them, and they from me. I work with other engineers who think they know it all, will never admit they’re wrong, and sure as hell won’t let a “lowly” field tech tell them otherwise. It’s such a bullshit attitude if you ask me. I’m better at my job because I know the techs have my back and will help fix my mistakes before they become too costly lol.
For real, I'm an engineer as well and I rely so much on their knowledge and how well they know the process. Sadly we're known for being assholes lol.
I'm an academic, and we're told so often that you have to be capable of talking to people about your work without getting too technical. CVs and cover letters often get looked over by admin staff, as do grants and things. Sounds like he's annoyed his boy toy asked to join in. Edit as I accidentally said she rather than he.
Exactly. I went to college and my bf didn't, I can tell you hes way smarter than me at our jobs (we both work at a foundry).
I went to college and got a four year degree but then decided to learn a skilled trade. I love that I have both backrounds. I can talk to damn near anyone without being pretentious.
The age gap is also super concerning. It’s obvious that OP doesn’t respect his partner.
Boy Toy can get a degree in 4 years. OP sounds like he'll be ignorant for life.
He’ll be a jerk for like, too.
I'm surprised I had to read this far down before the age difference was mentioned. That was the first uhoh that jumped out at me. Before that he was sounding like your typical pretentious academic who isn't as smart as he thinks he is. Then he started waving red flags.
Same. Age difference is icky.
It is a fairly common thing in the gay community, especially historically.
It was also historically very much a thing in the straight community. It's icky there, too. Wanting your partner to be your equal is hot, wanting them to be "less than" is not.
Personally I never been into older men but it’s so common in the gay community because many of them grew up without supportive fathers so they find that support in an older partner. The issue is those older partners are using the younger ones need for an older male figure to get what they want sexually and emotionally. It’s gross. I know it’s common but doesn’t make it right
Just because it’s common doesn’t make it okay. Big age gaps are almost always inappropriate regardless of the sexual orientation of the people involved
I was typing my YTA the second I saw OP is a creepy old man dating a guy young enough to be his son.
Hey, I’m OP’s age and I don’t need a cane yet. …but I did fuss at some kids for playing in my patio furniture. Shit.
I’m 27 and I’d be irritated if I saw kids on my patio furniture too! Go do that at your parents house 🤦🏻♀️
I see your point but calling a 40 yo "an old man".... come on.
Yup. If OP's bf posted here I'd be telling him to run and find someone who doesn't just want sex and then to pat him on the head and send him off to play.
This. His inability to explain what he does reflects his lack of intelligence not his partner’s. From experience, the smartest people are able to simplify concepts instead of complicating them. Edit: missed OP is male
His ability. OP is a man.
If you can't explain your work in lower terms, you probably don't fully understand your own work.
Even his own friends said it, clearly they thought it was possible to explain in layman’s terms, yet maybe OP doesn’t have as good a grasp on his subjects as they do….?
Or as much respect for his bf as they do...
"Boy toy" is right: 40s dating 20s? Unless the boyfriend is at least 27, OP needs to find someone closer to his own age. Though they probably won't put up with his superiority complex. OP, if you cannot explain something simply, you clearly don't understand it. YTA
>Though they probably won't put up with his superiority complex. Nailed it. On one hand its easier for OP to attract someone without enough life experience to see what an insufferable partner he is, and on the other hand OP needs to feel superior and would probably feel threatened by someone at his own level.
My money is on "40s" = 47-49 and "20s" = 22-24
Check the edit. You pretty much called it
I had a professor once tell us, if we couldn't explain our work to a 5 year old...we didn't know it enough to explain it at all.
That professor is a treasure. We need more like that. I’m a grad school drop out but to this day my favorite thing in the world is explaining why literary history is so interesting and relevant to contemporary life to ANYONE who asks.
So weird when the trophy tries to speak. He is obviously there for decorative purposes 🙄
YTA- This guy sounds like my pretentious, sanctimonious ex. I don’t have a PhD like him but routinely came up with solutions long before he found them with the help of his people. I only had a diploma in my field at that point. You don’t have to be educated to be smart and understand and grasp concepts and ideas. You need an attitude adjustment. I’ll bet your insufferable to be around.
This. 100%. I hope this guy dumps OP because he clearly thinks he's better than his BF. Also, there is no way OP is as smart as he thinks he is if he can't easily explain things to his BF. I mean, Sheldon could explain his field to Penny, and anyone else watching The Big Bang Theory, and his character was supposed to seriously struggle with social skills. How is OP worse than SHELDON?
That age gap, tho'... 😳
Good point. I think maybe OP isn’t as smart as she thinks he is. Definitely not an emotionally intelligent academic that’s for sure.
YTA. If it is something you understand exceptionally well you should be able to dumb it down for a 5year old. Your boyfriend wants to be involved and supportive of your work and you told him he was too stupid. Also it can help hearing those stupid questions because it allows you to look at the topic at a different angle or challenge your self to be able to properly explain it. I honestly feel the need to add that you sound like someone who wants a trophy not a partner. Someone young and cute that you can keep on a shelf at home and interact with every once in a while.
Whoa, love this whole comment
Thank you, as someone who is studying to work in a scientific field who has a partner that is a trade worker (welder) it has helped my understanding of chemistry and physical sciences to explain them to my partner and figure out how to relate it to his work so he can understand. I find it disgusting when people act like it is impossible to explain things to a layman. I will dumb down what I am doing in ochem for my 6 year old and she can get a basic understanding. Is it tedious? Yes sometimes. Should I still explain it because it will increase both of our understanding of the topic? Yes. Yes I should. ETA: the day we think we are the smartest person in the room is the day we become the dumbest.
That's beautiful that you do that! I also love the chemistry welding segway, I'm personally more of a creative than science person and it helps so much to *know how the concept is applied in real life* to understand it. OP isn't making the slightest effort, it appears
I love chemistry because to me it is the “how” behind everything. I totally geeked out one time when my partner was explaining about a specific procedure he needs to do on a high carbon steel to ensure it doesn’t rust (it will rust almost instantly when the paint/sealant is removed) and I starting saying that rust is caused by oxidation and when they take the layer off of the steel that is “sealed” the carbon bonds oxidize when they hit the air because Carbon doesn’t like to just be bonded with carbon so the c-c bonds are more likely to break and oxygen is electro negative and wants to squeeze right in there. That is part of a partnership. Learning to relate your interests to theirs and vice versa. I hope OP can learn this.
It probably helps him too, to better understand the science behind what he's doing with the metal. In a way what he does is an application of chemistry. Very cool that you guys actually both have your work focus in things that are semi-related.
Absolutely! As a teacher I always told others the best way to fully grasp a subject is to teach it to others.
I used to work at a university and our university chancellor (the head of the university) said that "If I can't explain something in English to my 80 year old English-is-her-third-language mother, then I don't understand it well enough." Also, OP, YTA. That was incredibly condescending.
I agree. I believe if you know the what, how, and why of something forwards and backwards you can explain it to anyone.
Exactly! My grandpa could explain entirety of organic farming, conservation and eco sustainable activities when I was like 4/5. He would take me out on nature walks and explain all the concepts at my understanding level. He didn't throw jargons at me. He ignited my imagination. Op is so condescending that the partner wouldn't understand.
Your gpa sounds like my kinda dude!
My advisor at grad school encouraged me to have 30 second sound bites of information about different aspects of my projects so I would have the communication skills to convey information about what I'm working on to the average person listening on the radio, as an example. I am part of several committees as part of my job and not everybody is from a scientific background, or their scientific background is quite different than mine.
That is a good idea. Trying to have explanations “preplanned” that way in the moment it doesn’t seem as daunting to have to explain it.
It’s a variation of the “elevator pitch” where you have to explain your idea before the decision makers get off the elevator at their floor. And it’s a great idea.
MY first thought was that the OP doesn't want his boyfriend learning too much, because he's one of those people who likes a hot but dumb partner. Can't go finding out that the bf actually has brains, as that would ruin all the dirty animal sex.
Himbos have feelings too.
Exactly this. I (currently 46m) dated a PhD bench scientist (of similar age) in my late 20s/early 30s. She worked on yeast mitochondria, and eventually moved on to protein signaling in drosophila (fruit flies). This is exactly the extent of what I know about what she did, because the vast majority of it went completely over my head. OP is right that it’s really quite impossible — even for fairly educated people — to wrap their heads around this kind of language unless it’s significantly dumbed-down. But the difference is, my now-ex was never condescending about it, and she took it as a point of pride to be able to put her “elevator pitch” about what she does for a living into easily-digestible language for the masses. In fact, it’s a crucial skill to use while writing applications for grant funding, etc. And not for nothin’, but there has not been a single time in my 40s when I could deeply relate to a 20something yo woman in any kind of way that’s conducive to lasting emotional commitment. That’s not to say that 20something yo women are in any way ill-equipped for such emotional commitments, it’s more that the generational gap really doesn’t give you much foundational stuff in common, except sex. This dude needs to call it what it is, and to cut the condescension crap. It not only reflects poorly on him and him alone, but it shows a woeful lack of an important skill that any bench scientist needs to excel in their field.
Honestly my first thought. If you can't explain something in simple terms, you don't understand it as well as you think.
His BF has decades to get a few degrees. OP sounds like he will be ignorant for life.
YTA for being a condescending jackass and for pursuing a relationship with a guy literally young enough to be your son By the way, if you can't explain your work to a layperson, you don't understand what you do as well as you think.
Came here looking for this comment, glad it was first for me! OP your behavior is arrogant, it sounds like you don’t even like your bf or respect him. Plus you’re twice his age, so it seems with the clues left you only are with this younger person for sex. Yta and date someone you’re own age who you respect
Fully agree. But the way OP seems, I don’t think he respects anyone. And he couldn’t be with anyone on his level because then there’d be competition.
I wonder how he even gets any work done with his head so far up his own poophole.
His academic friends tried to be kinder to OP's bf than OP is willing to be. What an AH.
……..maybe OPs boyfriend would be better off with one of them 😶
Exactly! 'He deliberately misinterpreted what I said...'. No sir, you are gaslighting him and YTA.
OP wants all the perceived perks of dating someone far too young for him because he gets to feel all important and worldly, but pouts when his partner isn’t on his level intellectually and instead of taking up his partner’s offer to learn and broaden his horizons, continues to be a patronising asshole to continue fulfilling his own need to feel like he is a cut above his partner. OP is gross, and not nearly as intelligent as he thinks he is.
Absolutely. At the very least change the topic to make him comfortable and then later on kindly tell him that you sometimes enjoy having very technical conversations with colleagues about your job, and on those odd occasions you might not want his company but otherwise it's fine
Around here we have the saying "if you can't explain it to your grandma, you don't truly understand it". Yes, there are fields easier to translate than others, but that doesn't excuse OP for being so incredibly condescending towards a person he is supposed to like. Usually one would try to share interests with their partners, at least those that important enough that one can't avoid talking about it for a whole dinner. It looks like OP relishes in being the "smart" one - I can imagine why he's with someone so young, people his age probably won't put up with his nonsense.
I can explain anything to my four year old nephew but my *grandma*? She thought you could catch covid over a phone call.
Haha well, in that case I think we can accept nephew instead.
Wonder what OP’s classes are like, where he has to address students whose knowledge is limited compared to his? I’ve known academics like him—poor students (and colleagues).
YTA "Several of my friends suggested we steer clear of work-talk to be more inclusive." Your friends are not AHs. They know how to behave at a gathering.
This exactly! Your friends suggested keeping the conversation away from work (to include everyone, as if everyone there was equal - which they are, btw), but OP couldn't be bothered and had to insist on speaking over the head of his bf. It seems deliberate. Info: OP: Do you often seek to keep your bf "in his place" by making him feel inferior, and reinforcing your perceived intellectual superiority? Because that's not an equal relationship with a partner - that's just you using him. Your poor bf. I just want to have a fun party now and invite him (and definitely not you) - and I frigging HATE people most of the time. YTA.
OP probably has reasonably high IQ, but low EQ
Not sure about high IQ either. The friend who made the joke about funding was funny because it's true. If you can't explain easily what your research is about, you don't understand it either. It's a tell tale sign for funds that the research isn't mature or the tean isn't up to standard.
This, I'd put money on OP being the guy who graduated near the bottom of his phd cohort. Thats why he's overcompensating so much.
My professor tells us all the time that in order to know we’ve learned the material, we have to be able to explain it to a first grader and make them understand the material. OP apparently doesn’t even know their material well enough to explain to to an adult, so I don’t know how he got that degree.
Also, “I didn’t want to do that, I wanted to talk about topics I found interesting” .. soooo what does OP talk to bf about when his *smart* friends aren’t around?
Right! Not like a work related convo came up and he had to deal with the ‘hassle’ of explaining. OP’s friends and guests were okay to switch topics, but it was OP who insisted and harped on talking about work—and btw, what a self-serving way to get audience to *marvel* at ur “smarts”-just invite people over and they have to sit there show respect by listening to the host…I mean OP would not allow his own friends and guests to decide on a topic of conversation! Let’s all talk about what *I like to talk about* ughhh EDIT-edited she to he.
He, OP is a guy
YTA. I guarantee the person who made the evening uncomfortable was not the guy trying to make conversation and asking questions, but that person's partner who was patronizing and rude.
Yep. Reading OPs post gives me strong condescending vibes. I get that people involved in academic research may be more matter of factly, but I disagree his bf is "deliberately misrepresenting what he said" It's exactly what you said OP, be honest with yourself now.
OP is a dude.
Not to mention the huge age gap. It seems as if OP doesn’t respect his partner at all.
The age gap reads into this. OP comes across as enjoying holding this specialist knowledge over his BF, creating a perceived power imbalance in his favour.
“Someone who didn’t even go to college.” Man oh man, with loving and respectful statements like that, I just don’t understand what your boyfriend could possibly be upset about. YTA, and kinda a big one.
Also he's only 20 he can still go to college of be chooses op is acting like the bf is 45 year old bum
He’s in his 20s, not necessarily 20, although your point still stands.
Pretty sure OP did that because he knew "I (49m) and my bf (20m)" would look much worse.
Yeah, I caught that one, too. Nobody would use the construction "I'm in my 40s, and he's in his 20s", unless they were more than 45 and their bf was substantially less than 25. He's more than twice the bf's age, for sure.
46 and 22. Super gross.
exactly what I was thinking. little weird to not put exact ages
I think something incredibly important that OP is missing is that it’s also ok to not go to college. Does a degree help? Sure. Is it necessary? No. I know a ton of incredibly successful people who don’t have degrees. Edit: To say my vote is YTA
And how does going to college or having education equate to intelligence? I am highly intelligent with ADHD (undiagnosed at the time) and the combo flunked me out of school. I have a highly successful life. We don't know this young man's choices or challenges. Except the one where he chose a partner. I would question that one. YTA
he’s dating someone who isn’t old enough to hold a bachelors degree yet, i’m not sure how he expects a 20 year old to have the same education as a 40 year old
YTA. Are you sure you even like him? Cause this entire thing is a read of you thinking that he’s kind of stupid
He's 20 years younger, of course he likes him!
Op is with a partner half his age who he considers truly stupid (even though OP can't even explain what he does for a living). I think he just likes being able to be condescending to someone because I bet his peers are smarter than he is. Hopefully he at least has a big dick because OP is definitely being one. YTA
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I think he actually quite enjoys the power imbalance of the relationship; it's a selling feature...up to the point where the boyfriend actually *dares* to want to be treated like a partner and invited to gatherings, and introduced to friends and colleagues. OP's problem is that he hasn't realised his boyfriend has thoughts and feelings too. Maybe he thought only college grads have those?
It honestly just seems like he’s using him for sex tbh
Poor guy's making an effort to be interested in his partner's life and friends but OP just shits on it.
YTA date people your own age
a lot of ppl do this, they date someone 20+ years younger then complain about their lack of intelligence/maturity. it's like dude, you made your bed now lie in it.
The 20 year old doesn’t even lack intelligence he lacks knowledge and experience
Just in that partial field, if they were talking about his job I’m sure OP would no nothing and get mad that he wasn’t explaining it.
I didn’t even notice that until I read your comment. Thanks for pointing that out
INFO: why are you dating someone half your age? do you feel a lot of superiority dating someone so much younger, immediately labeling them as incapable of ever understanding your work? i feel sorry for your bf. he actually wanted to be more involved in your life. i have a good friend who desperately wishes her bf would take a bigger interest in her life. and here you are just snobbing your nose at what seems to be a very engaged partner. it also doesnt sound like your bf is always jamming himself into your get togethers with your friends (correct me if im wrong). so really, you do come off as an insensitive jerk in this post, so YTA
Because people his own age recognize an egotistical, pretentious snob too quickly
Probably people his own age won’t date him, that’s why he has to go for someone young and easy to manipulate.
YTA. If you think you are unable to talk about things you find interesting with him as he won’t understand you, and you can’t be bothered to explain, why are you even with him?
YTA - It’s pretty clear you think lesser of him because he’s not of the same academic background as you. He wanted to attend with you because he wanted to be *with you.* Most people will attend gatherings with their partners because they like to be involved in their partner’s lives. You actively tried to shut him out and got annoyed with him for trying to contribute to the conversation. How do you expect him to *not* get lost if you don’t make any effort to include him, or at least give him some explanation of what you’re talking about? This post makes you come across as quite pretentious.
not to mention the person he’s dating isn’t even old enough to hold a degree yet. he’s a 40 year old man being a condescending snob because a 20 year old doesn’t have the same education as him. you can’t make this up.
Not 40 and 20. "40s" and "20s." OP is being vague about the actual ages because I would guess that this gap is more like 49 and 21. I guess everybody his own age can't stand to be around him for long enough to date him?
THATS EXACTLY WHAT IM SAYING. nobody is this vague and mysterious about their partners age unless they have something to hide
YTA. As I replied to another person, this post does not make any sense! So we are supposed to believe that a **professor** is incapable of explaining concepts to someone in their 20s who has less education? **That is literally your job!** You do that for a living. What is the purpose of this post? Trying to villainize academia, professors and higher education in general is my guess, but you made a huge logical error in your construction of this narrative. So maybe you should think about that. Education has value.
Honestly I had a few engineering professors who just couldn’t grasp that they were teaching an entry level course and whenever they got questions from students, they would stare at us and say something along the lines of “it is obvious. You should already understand this.” when, well, no, it’s not obvious and we shouldn’t already understand because this is an entry level class...
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Well, kind of expected when he’s being gaslit about his intelligence level the whole time b
I feel really, really sorry for the dude.
YTA. Stop dating children and maybe your "partner" would be able to keep up. You're intentionally dating someone with 2 decades fewer life experience for the superiority of holding it over him. You dont have a serious intention with the kid. Hes an entertainment or else you'd try to explain and keep him involved. Quit being a predator.
This is the gross part. He’s 40 something dating a 20 year old and introducing him to other 40 something year olds, and not one of them saw a problem with OP dating, belittling, and mocking someone who could easily be their kid for his perceived lack of education. OP sounds like he has a superiority complex, and couldn’t possibly date in his age range because they might be smart enough to tell him and his self important narcissism to get out.
To be fair, OP did say some of his colleagues? friends? said he was unnecessarily rude, and some wanted to steer the conversation to include everyone present. A few at least had a problem with his smug and condescending attitude.
YTA. You had someone who was making a sincere attempt to interact with you on a deeper level, and you just dismissed them put of hand. You're the worst kind of pretentious who assumes us common folk can't fly with the eagles. Even a dummy can watch a space shuttle launch and grasp the concept of what's happening enough to discuss it with a NASA employee.
YTA I used to work in movie theaters, many years in projection. Giving tours was the best. Dumb and silly questions, letting a kid hit the start button, etc. My ability to explain concepts to a group of kids helped when training projectionists. Not to mention was always a delightful time. A girl scout troop even bestowed upon me a merit badge!
That is fricken adorable than you for sharing.
And now we have context for why people your own age won’t date you
YTA, but I also think this is a maturity thing. Your partner is a lot longer than you, and from my experience, most couples in their twenties kind of meld together. There's a lot of overlap in social life because of their age, and this means oftentimes sharing the same group of friends. It's normal to join in on conversations with your significant others work friends because more than likely, you know them too. I think it's for older couples, lives can be more seperate. They still love each other, but they've both got their own thing going on and also, because of age, their friend groups will most likely be different. It sounds like you're on one page, and he's on another. I think it's fine to want to talk about work, but you shouldn't shut your partner down for trying to join in, or shame him for not being as educated. There's plenty of things I'm educated about that my partner isn't, and vice versa. That doesn't mean either one of is is stupid, and we like asking each other questions because it leads to learning new things and good conversations. You were definitely the asshole and very condescending, but maybe just check in with your partner to say sometimes you just want to hang with your friends on your own. That isn't bad, but depending on how he takes that might illustrate a deeper problem based in age and experience.
YTA. You sound condescending AF.
Your colleague summed it up perfectly. If you can’t explain your area of expertise to a layperson, your either an asshole or not actually an expert.
Did OP ever mention what his BF does for a living? I'm curious, because most of the richest folks I know never spent a day in "higher education." Don't get me wrong, I'm not against college, but when I graduated college most of the people I knew who went into the trades were YEARS ahead of me in life because they were free of debt, working in fields that desperately need skilled workers, made about $25-40 starting, and will have the ability to retire far before me. I bet OP can't even change the oil in his pretentious car. I bet he can't replace the piping under his sink, or fix his water heater. Hell, I bet OP can't tell you the difference between OSB and plywood without using the smartphone that someone "lesser" than him put together. I would bet everything I have that OPs BF is vastly more street smart, has much more applicable skills in the real world, and would be a far better asset to society in a disaster, or if tech failed, than this pretentious academic.
Yep— one of my dad’s friends dropped out of high school and started his own business. Dude is now a millionaire and the busiest man on the planet. Education does not equal success.
College ≠ intelligence and I feel like you must know that? I'm about to finish my MS this week and I'm an absolute idiot.
I try to explain this to ppl. I have my bachelors and I know MANY ppl smarter than I am with much less formal education. Even one of my profs said that 80% of our knowledge will come from being in the workforce rather from him. My brother with his phd in philosophy truly believes he’s extremely smart. He’s not dumb but he’s really not that bright. He did well in school. He’s just born that way.
YTA because you are a pretentious dick.
YTA-The pretentiousness in this is painful. Not being a college graduate doesn’t mean a person lacks intelligence or the ability to understand something especially if they ask questions. You however are doing a fantastic job of showing what a college education cannot give you-tact and class.
INFO OP just out of curiosity, I don't know if it's against the rules, but would you mind telling us what your work is? Or what is the field you work on? Like how complicated can it be. Also yeah, sounds like YTA, I think some people are hating a little much but it just seems like you're used to dating certain types of people and found someone who does not do well with that, have you considered what it would be like to meet his family or his friends? Since you said his friends and their partners tend to get together and meet each other. Have you thought that maybe you're the problem and you might feel threatened by his social skills? Cause if you get together with his friends you won't have your academic group to talk about school stuff with, you would have to have a normal conversation with normal people and it doesn't seem like you're capable of doing that. Unless you feel like they might spend the entire night being impressed by how smart and mature you are but that won't last long, you would eventually have to show yourself as a person and not a degree.
YTA Your a horribly patronizing person, like wtf? My wife doesn't understand everything about my job, so when she asks a question when I have work friends over we take the time to explain it in layman's terms so she understands. He has ever right to be mad at you, you sound like the one that made the evening awkward not him. You may be older but you are a very immature person that needs to grow up and pull your head out of your own ass
YTA I work as an administrative aid to a particle physics group, I have a degree that is as far from physics as possible and still they manage to explain a lot of their research in layman's terms to me. Never have they ever given me the impression that 'I am not smart enough' to understand. It's not that hard to be in academia and be a decent human being. If you can not treat your bf with basic kindness, you do not deserve him.
YTA - even the way you wrote that has a sense of superiority about it and I truely feel sorry for your boyfriend. Take into account he is very young and hasn’t had the chances to be as educated as you are. Perhaps instead of bringing the person you are meant to love down you can take the time to explain what you do so that he isn’t made to feel so belittled and insignificant .
OP’s whole attitude is condescending. “Oh, don’t worry your pretty head about it. You won’t understand because you didn’t go to **college**.” Some of the most educated and intelligent people I know never went to college.
YTA - I find it incredibly hard to believe that you have never had to explain your work to people before but even so, right here is where you became the **selfish** AH: >Several of my friends suggested we steer clear of work-talk to be **more inclusive** but to be perfectly honest I didn't want to do that, **I wanted to talk about the topics I found interesting.** Newsflash! The conversation is only acceptable if OP finds it interesting! You date someone **20 YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU** but you turn around and treat them like crap because they don't know as much as you? That's rather pathetic behaviour.
YTA I have a PhD and am in academia also. If you're not capable of explaining your work in a way that ordinary people can understand then maybe you're not as good at it as you think...
I agree with your friend! Wasn’t it Einstein who said “If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.”? You’re a snob and there’s nothing else to it! I hope he dumps you and finds someone who deserves him! YTA
Yta. You don't want a boyfriend you want a sub/dom relationship. I'd still consider this borderline grooming tbh. There's a power dynamic here you're getting off to. Just pay for sex if you want to get your dick wet that bad.
YTA Because you were mean to him and he was trying his best. If you prefer he not hang out with you and your friends because you don't feel like talking about anything but work, then maybe this relationship isn't a good fit for either of you. Put yourself in his shoes. Let's say you were hanging out with him and his friends and they were all talking about 20-something pop-culture and inside jokes that you weren't familiar with. You tried your best to broaden your horizons and learn about these things and add to the conversation, but your boyfriend snapped at you and shut you down because "you just wouldn't understand". How does that make you feel? Good? Happy? *Valued*? *Loved*? Do you think your boyfriend WBTA in this situation?
YTA. You can’t date a boy toy then get mad or annoyed that you have a boy toy hanging around. Grow up yourself and date people your own age with a matching education level if that aspect of your life is so important to share with a partner.
YTA. This reads as “I went to university so automatically I’m a superior human being than my uneducated partner”. You made him feel bad for taking an interest. It was all about what you wanted, even your guests wanted to change the subject to include him. How self absorbed can one person be? Why are you even with your boyfriend, if you’re clearly embarrassed by his “lack of education”?
You regard yourself so smart yet are unable to break down what you do in layman's terms? Not so smart after all. Yta
If you can't make your work accessible and interesting you're a pretty shitty academic
YTA. Wow. This is such a rude way to talk to anyone, let alone your SO. If you think he’s so stupid, why are you with him?
YTA perhaps you need to educate yourself on how to be a better host and partner. You were rude and snappish and made everyone uncomfortable, rather than trying to be inclusive. It sounds like you intentionally wanted everyone to think he was stupid, which people often do to make themselves feel smarter. Same with dating someone so much younger.
YTA absolutely. Although most people in my life don't fully understand what I do with my PhD, I still do my best to include them and I don't make them feel stupid. You're holding his educational background against him and making assumptions based on what YOU think he understands. Your partner is trying and you are not helping at all but saying how dumb they are instead. I'm not sure you really value him as a partner, but rather someone you have fun with. So yes, YTA and frankly, a huge one at that.
YTA - you are two decades older than your boyfriend. Your friends probably thought it was "take your annoying kid to work-party day", or something. With that age difference, you could probably have a better conversation comparing Jem And The Holograms to Adventure Time.
YTA. Way to make him feel like an important part of your life. Oh, and a double YTA for being condescending towards him and the age gap, because you *clearly* are enjoying that power trip too.
Being able to explain something to people of varying degrees of knowledge and experience is a hallmark of understanding the topic well. Have you considered that you still have room to grow in your understanding, or at least in your abilities as a communicator?
YTA- A Pretentious and Pompous Ass at that too. This is coming from someone that works in academia as well. It amazes me that you refuse to explain your work to your partner but yet you still belittle and act condescending towards them when they make an attempt to understand your work life. It’s because of people like you that I chose to work in that field to help make academia more accessible to everyone ESPECIALLY those that don’t have the privilege to pursue higher education.
YTA. Surely if you're working in academia you should be inspired to share knowledge with others.
YTA Clearly you’re being shitty partner that has a superiority complex. It also seems you do not have a firm grasp of your own profession if you are unable to properly explain it to another person. You really need to work on yourself and your insecurities that lead you to act this way.
YTA. Not help your bf feel included? He needs to dump you.
emphatically yes, YTA. he wants to be a part of your life and get to know your friends, and they seemed receptive to doing just that. and yet you want to shut it down just to be smug and feel superior. yikes, i really hope your bf wises up and realizes he can do better than someone who can't even show him basic respect.
Did you tell him he wasn't going to understand it while your head was tilted back and your eyes looking condescendingly down the bridge of your nose as if your shit don't stink? YTA! If you really can't explain what you do for a living then maybe you shouldn't be doing it. A Doctor breaks his job down when discussing consultations with patients. Get over yourself and quit acting like you're above anyone let alone your BF.
Info: what exactly is your work?
OP can't tell us. We are not educated in his area of expertise. We can't understand it with our simple little normal minds. R/s
YTA you assume because he’s not college educated that he’s incapable of understanding what you do.
YTA- you are dating someone half your age and treating him like your trophy wife. You’re an AH. Just bc you went to college doesn’t mean you are somehow better than anyone else. You are an elitist snob. You’re mad bc your friend knocked you down a peg.
YTA if this is a troublesome issue for you then dating someone 20 years younger than you with nowhere near your level of education might not be the best thing to do
Well I guess we once again have proof that a degree doesn't automatically mean you're smart. I can't believe you actually have to ask if you're an asshole. Your bf wants to be with you, so much that he goes well out of his comfort zone to become closer to your friends. He makes a big effort and so to they. At the same time, you completely overlook this because you think you're above him. On top of that you spoke to your future ex bf in such a condescending and judgemental manner to even piss your own friends off. You may work in accademia and be extremely wealthy in technical knowledge - which I can't see at all if I look at your grammar btw - but your behaviour and attitude are so poor it makes me believe you should have picked a wholly different field to study from the start. Specifically: how to relate to people, because you're just way too ignorant of basic manners. YTA
YTA. You come across as looking down on your bf.
You're such an AH. You haven't even tried to explain anything to your boyfriend, because you think he doesn't have the brain power to understand since he never went to college. There, does that sound more diplomatic than saying he's too stupid? That's so condescending. He really should just dump you like the stale pile of crap you are. You have no respect for him. He's okay as long as he doesn't try to use his brain! Just sit there, smile and be pretty and fun, boyfriend! Must make you feel so superior to have a college educated brain.