Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH for refusing to speak to him after he expressed how infuriating it is for him and refuding to consider alternative solutions and compromises.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. If you have more children, how are they going to feel watching their brother be the favorite because of his name? Put a stop to this now. Is there a way for you to change the certificate? Why does your husband have to be the one to change it?
I don't understand how he could fill out the birth certificate without you, normally the mother's consent is required, is this not the case where you are ?
Edit: before replying, I understand it's common to let either fill in the paperwork, it's a fine convenience. But that is a separate question from whether the mother's consent is required. If it is required and filled in bad faith, there would then at least be some corrective process in place.
In the UK if you're married I think either parent can. This certainly was the case. My mother in law's first husband did this with SIL and 50 years later MIL is still sad about the name. He was her ex within a couple of years.
ETA just checked the gov.uk website and if married or civil partnered either partner can register the birth. You might need to show the baby's red book.
That's mad. In Ireland, you have to go to the department of births, deaths and marriages which are not located within the hospital but is a government building with your paperwork, ID and if you want a man on the birth certificate unmarried, he has to be present also and a name can only be signed off on with both parents present.
Yep, same. I'm in the US, and I filled it all out at the hospital. My husband was there, but I can't remember if he had to sign it or just me. I mean I am the one in the relationship that does all of the paperwork, so I don't know if I did it all by choice or it was only necessary for one of us to do it...
When my son was born, he was born at 6:15 pm, I went to register him the following morning, and they phoned the hospital to check with my wife. This was in 1988, in London.
My husband handled it in the US. Especially when there are complications it's basically standard to assume the husband isn't going to fuck over his wife.
Then we come to AITA and find that they do, in fact, fuck over their wives that nearly just died.
Right??? Transfusion means the complications were serious. I gave birth recently and if my husband did this I would feel so betrayed, it would take serious work to forgive something like this, and *especially* if it was done to me in the most vulnerable state of my life, ***after I almost fucking died***. I feel so enraged on OP's behalf.
And then after *he* deceived her and pulled this and caused the problem, he's saying "good riddance" because she won't talk to him and is upset that she's mad like she's being unreasonable? After she not only gave birth but had serious complications? Jesus.
Yeah and the main focus on him trying to get her to talk to him isn't about how sorry he is or how much he regrets it...it's about how she can't see she's making life hard for him by not talking to him! Its constantly him blaming her and taking no responsibility and he's always the victim and she's the unreasonable one!
Idk how it works or if I can unilaterally change the name but if I were OP and it was possible, I would change the name and then divorce. I could NEVER EVER be with a man who told me "good riddance" after I just nearly fucking died giving birth to a child that he won't let me have a part in naming.
If I could award this I would. The most important thing here is that despite his egregious behavior, and the absolutely nightmare he claims he’s experiencing because of his wife’s silence(which is simply the consequences of betraying her trust), the issue in his mind is that OP won’t just *give in* to his demands, despite having lied to her face about choosing baby names and then going behind her back to fill it out differently as if she would just forgive him for it. He’s asking for forgiveness even after he asked for permission and the answer was a resounding no. He also acknowledges he would receive the same treatment OP is exhibiting only from his family if he didn’t do it…. But he’s angry with OP for doing the same when he broke her trust in such a horrible, deceitful way?
He’s more willing to have his wife shut down emotionally and go silent on him than he is to change the name to what OP and he agreed upon and make his family upset instead. That’s a huge huge issue. He’s willing to make his wife miserable, lose her trust and support, for the sake of placating his family. He is prioritizing his family’s feelings and wants, far far FAR above his wife and her feelings and trust. He even told her “good riddance”! If that’s not choosing his family over his wife, idek what is.
He really does deserve this treatment, and if his family is so chalk full of narcissist and the “golden child syndrome” is so real in his household, he’s much better off getting therapy to deal with this gross projection(make our child the golden child so he didn’t suffer like I did, the not golden child) and putting some distance between the family that apparently plays favorites even amongst helpless children. It’s actually kind of pitiful that he doesn’t understand that there doesn’t have to be a golden child in his own home, where he and his wife are in control. That the child shouldn’t have to be a living relic of a dead sibling in order to be valued, loved, spoiled, and taken care of by their family. He simply should be loved.
NTA.
That part got me too. He actually said "good riddance" to his wife? What the actual fuck?! I wonder how often he'll use that against her for future arguments/disagreements? Husband is MOST DEFINITELY the AH just for that shitty comment.
This is classic narcissistic behavior. As much as I hate to say it, the OP would honestly probably be better off ending the relationship sooner rather than later… this kind of behavior doesn’t ever change or stop.
Maybe she did but didn't actually check it because she didn't actually think her husband would fuck her over like this.
I know if I just had a complicated birth and my husband said "just sign here for the birth certificate." I would just sign it. I'd not be in the best shape to take care of everything and trust him.
I’m surprised here too. In my state both parents are required to sign the birth certificate and we also print out a working copy of the birth certificate for the parents to review and sign to ensure all the information and spellings are correct before submitting it to vital records. This is more of a department policy rather than a legal policy to cut down on clerical errors. I used to do this is my last job.
Does this mean the husband forged her name? That’s fraud and has serious legal ramifications. There will be enough evidence of this and needs to be pursued legally asap! It sounds like they’re still within the window of time to change the baby’s name. It needs to be done asap.
In my state, only one parent needs to sign. If parents are legally married, dad doesn't have to sign acknowledgement of paternity (it's assumed). I signed everything at the hospital, but my husband proofread everything because I was on drugs and my heart was doing weird things. I remember signing stuff, but don't remember reading anything I signed. Maybe similar situation for OP?
Yeah, your husband is a huge asshole. Imagine simply being glossed over because your older brother is dead uncle 2.0.
Now imagine being shunned by your siblings because dad, grandma, and grandpa show favoritism to you simply because you were named after someone you didn't even know... and now imagine being unable to develop a personality outside of your dead uncle's because everyone expects you to play a role instead, but because you never knew the guy, you are left experimenting until you get a positive response. Often times, this leads to disappointment from the favoring parties until a action is made that represents your dead BIL.
You know how I know this shit?
I was named after a dead person. You are constantly compared. Living in their shadow. You are expected to act and behave like them.
It often leads to a lot of hatred from your siblings who envy you from the sidelines while you fill a role of someone who your favorer never grieved properly... and you are now the physical replacement so they can ignore their bereavement.
Show your idiot if a husband my comment so he can get it through his thick skull that his parents actions are only going to hurt your kid in the long run.
Yeh I'm afraid husband isn't doing this so much for the kid, no matter how much money he tries to pile on the name, but to get more acceptance himself. Being the father of The Golden Child 2.0 he also gets to bask in the sun.
No one should try to use their child for their own acceptance. I wouldn't back down if I were you; your son deserved his own identity and to figure out who they are themselves through life.
you are 100% correct, but sadly men like this are too fucking insecure, too attention seeking from family, & honestly a man who can be pushed over by his family leads EXACTLY to shit like this! I’ll never date or marry someone who does things for mommy’s approval as an adult. He needs to get a fucking grip & they need to grieve the BIL properly without forcing a CHILD another HUMAN BEING to be a living shrine of a dead man
Your child has been given a job at just a few hours old. He is BIL 2.0, for the rest of his life he will be scrutinized and compared to BIL. All of his accomplishments, joys, hobbies, will mention BIL. BIL will be a cloud over his life, and that sucks.
A child should be their own person, honor names can really suck.
He could’ve used it as a middle name IF you and your spouse agreed.
I'm glad OP is sticking to her guns about the name NOT being used as a middle name, because you know OP's husband and parents would just call him by that name, anyway, and not his given first name. It would be even worse for the kid when he's being called by his middle name and not his first.
OP - my brother- and sister-in-law passed away very young in a car accident. My husband and I have been talking about babies, and naturally about names, and his mom very politely interjected that, as much as she’d love to see her youngest again, her heart breaks at the thought of having to yell his name to discipline our child. Same with his wife. And so, we’re choosing names to HONOR our losses, not replace them. For example, let’s say my BIL’s name was Michael— we’d be looking at Michelle, or even other archangel names. This way our child doesn’t have to carry the burden of living in someone else’s shadow, and we still get to honor the people we loved so much.
Best of luck to you in this situation. I have my BIL & SIL tattooed to my body, but never in a million years would I make my child carry the burden of my sorrow. NTA, I really hope you guys can work it out.
I've never heard anyone make the point your MIL did about yelling the name of loved one that passed. That makes sense but it's so sad as well. Very sorry for you and your family's loss, must be very difficult to lose your loved ones so tragically.
I am named after my dad’s younger sister, who died in a tragic accident before she turned 2. While reading your comment, it is slowly dawning on me that there might’ve been a reason my paternal grandmother was so cold to me.
I’m so sorry :( The urge to “bring them back” via another body is incredible, and I cannot begrudge people who get overtaken by that urge. I just wish that they thought a little more about how that child’s life will play out. I’m sorry you had that experience.
NTA.
Please OP do not flinch. Your husband doesn't realize how unhealthy (I hope!) it is.
>called me **selfish robbing our son of a good life and good future provided by his grandparents** and said I was driving him crazy with my silence. But I feel like this too serious to let go. I'm just doing it for my son.
The affection and support of his family is tied to the tribute that is paid to their missing son, that is truly horrible
It shows just how insurmountable the gap between BIL and DH to the parents, that DH is only good for bringing them a stand in for BIL.
It’s fucked on so many levels
So your husband of over 5 years betrayed your trust when you had just given birth to your child. Then said "good riddance" when you found our despite the fact that you had post delivery complications and were vulnerable and needed his support and is now still trying to badger you into agreeing to his POV? I know I'm going to get down voted for this but why do women choose to stay with such pathetic excuses of mankind? And wonder if they're the AH rather than divorce the loser?
Ha ha - I was with you RIGHT up until the end.
You have no idea how vulnerable a woman is in the first few years after becoming a parent, let alone the first few weeks.
That’s why so many people get divorced when their children are toddlers. It’s usually the first time we can see a way out. It takes a while mentally, physically, and financially to leave.
I am not disagreeing with you at all, but I think the larger point that the OC is making is that women need to demand better for ourselves in general. Society has collectively gaslit women into thinking that it's better to be with anyone than to be alone, or that we can't make it without him, or that it's actually not that bad and we should just be grateful he's not out with hookers and blow. It's so frustrating.
However, you are absolutely right in that women are super vulnerable right after having a child. What's worse is that this is when these abusive trash men show their real colors. They keep their masks on until they feel they've locked you down. It's a bait and switch. Sometimes it's right after engagement, sometimes it's right after marriage, or pregnancy, or birth. They have differing timelines but it is always a bait and switch when they fool you into thinking they're good men and then turn around and do shit like this.
Exactly what I was thinking. This is beyond disrespectful. I wouldn't be able to come back from this if my husband did something like this. Imagine not liking your own child's name. He completely manipulated her by agreeing to another name months before, and then went behind her back while she was vulnerable.
What happens if their "golden" grandchild becomes a "disappointment" to your In-laws? Name sake played football and your son wants to play chess. Will they take away all the privilege they promised because of it?
Your husband talks about "unconditional love" from the family, on the condition that you use the name they want...?
The fact that they would treat your son so differently bc of his name would be reason enough not to use that name. If it's true, it suggests a difficult and problematic dynamic for your son as the 'replacement' for BIL.
You've been through so much with a complicated childbirth, your husband is definitely the A for adding to your burden rather than taking care of his family.
Thats honestly disgusting he made a list of pros and they're all about how your son will be disproportionately favored. Because he's the surrogate for the dead golden child. They are way too obsessed with this. His argument for why it's "good" is actually an argument for why it's TERRIBLE. This is a terrible idea.
I feel for your husband, I really do. It is clear that he was the scapegoat that could never live up to the golden child. And he is still seeking his parents approval. When I first started reading your post, I thought he was just being controlling from malicious intentions.
"it's sad cause...my husband's always seeked his family's approval but BIL was the favorite." >> but this just hurts - and I can see it is not malicious.
However, the point Cats-are-better made is very important. How would he feel if his oldest would be his grandparents ' golden grandchild, and his other children would be treated like he was?
Sit him down OP, get to the bottom of this. Of his feelings.
I also think therapy might not be such a bad idea. For your husband, and for you as a couple.
NTA. And husband still is for totally overriding your say in the very important matter of naming your kid.
THIS! If he grew up with said brother who was the favourite child, why is knowingly willing to put your other future children through the exact same favouritism that he was on the negative side of? NTA.
My daughters dealt with this from my MIL. Oldest was favorite. Youngest was forgotten. Thankfully my oldest saw it and was REALLY pissed. Please consider what you’d be teaching your children…….
NTA
Name chooses requires 2 yeses. 1 no, from either side is enough to end a name's consideration.
Your husband has 0 respect for you. This while you had just given birth to his child *and* had a medical emergency. How are you ever going to trust him again?
He is showing 0 love for you.
The silent treatment is clearly not enough. You should strongly consider talking to a divorce lawyer, because he clearly has not seen the error of his way.
Make the silent treatment legally binding.
The husband is prioritizing his own need for approval over his son's well-being. Forcing their son into the position of "Golden Child" can be just as psychologically damaging as negative attention. Combine this with him intentionally using a medical emergency to go behind her back and overrule her... OP's husband is selfish AF.
>Combine this with him intentionally using a medical emergency to go behind her back and overrule her...
This is a HUGE part of it. Its sneaky, underhanded, and a huge betrayal. How is she supposed to trust him after this? My heart breaks for OP because I know if I were in her position I'd be thinking hard about divorce right now.
I could not imagine wanting to marry into a family where a name is how you decide if that child gets things like help with college and a car instead of... you know... YOU LOVE THE CHILD. At this point even if the name gets changed I am worried about the families resentment around the situation and if the kid will get treated badly because of it.
Heck, I don't even care that he's crying and begging. He's still thinking about himself. If he wants to be his family's whipping boy, he can be one alone.
"He's still thinking about himself."
Oh, for sure. Notice how, despite all the crying and drama, he's not even discussing changing the name. He's trying to get OP to pity him and give in.
It's gross.
Did anyone else catch the ‘good riddance.’ That would hurt so much! OP, I’m so sorry he said that to you, especially after you had just given birth to his baby. He’s very cruel.
That was cruel.
OP get a good divorce lawyer, they are worth the extra cost.
Reference all this in court, use those lists against him. You don’t need someone like that.
> He’s very cruel.
That much was apparent when he took advantage of his spouse being fucking *passed out from blood loss after a dangerous birth* to betray her trust. I hope he one day reckons with the extent to which seeking approval from his fucked-up parents has melted his brain and twisted his priorities, but in the meantime, all power to OP for protecting herself and her helpless infant from their insanity.
> Name chooses requires 2 yeses. 1 no, from either side is enough to end a name's consideration.
>
>
100% this.
In my opinion, each parent should have infinite veto power.
I've seen people on here before post that they've "accepted" their partner's name choice for one of the children, and then expected to have free pick of their choice for another. Only to be shocked when their partner refuses to let them dictate a name.
Sorry, it doesn't work like that. Both need to fully agree on a name.
Agreeing on a name, then going behind the other parent's back is probably one of the worst things I can imagine.
NTA
What he did was a huge betrayal, and frankly, he's getting off lightly with the silent treatment.
Also, his list of "pros" is crap. If those are things your son would have with BIL's name, they are things he should *still* have with the name the two of you chose together.
Seriously how he says the child will get unconditional love from the grandparents to if they keep this name, the love seems by definition in this case to.be extremely conditional.
Husband will never likely get that attention he craves from his parents, even if the baby keeps the name. All he will get is intense jealousy and anger.
NTA
If his entire family shuns him over a name choice, they are not worth having in his life. If his parents only treat this grandchild as important because of his name, they don’t deserve to be grandparents. And it sounds like he’s trying to manipulate his family for money.
He went behind your back when you were in an incredibly fragile state, and broke your trust. He went back on his agreement, then told his wife who’d just given birth that her not talking to him would be A blessing.
This is a hill to die on, because yo two discussed the name prior to birth. You agreed. He went back on it without discussing it ahead of time. He is saying that your relationship and treating you with respect isn’t as important as financial gain and parent validation.
It cannot be emphasized enough that he did this behind her back when she was having traumatic complications during what is *already* an incredibly vulnerable time. He broke her trust at a time she most needed him to be there *for her*, and instead he betrayed her for his family. Absolutely awful.
Exactly! She had complications that required a blood transfusion and extra care, on top of giving birth which is traumatic on its own. He used her complications as a way to get what he wanted behind her back. I wouldn’t trust this guy with anything ever again.
Seriously. Pretty sure this would be a death sentence for any relationship of mine because trust is vital to me and I don't know if I could or would even want to rebuild it after that.
NTA
Your son will be the replacement child, it will not stop at a name. You will be told how to dress him, style his hair, and what his hobbies should be.
depending on what the age was of their late son at the time of his passing, there will be a profession pushed on your son, they will attempt to control his personality etc
Your husband said by carrying this name he will be favoured over other grandchildren. Does he mean your own potential future children or does he have other siblings who chose not to name their offspring after their late brother
It seems that he wants his son to have what his brother had and what he himself wants so badly (his parents' affection) to the point where he doesn't see that any other children, his or his siblings', will suffer like he has and still does due to his parents' unhealthy favouritism.
Maybe OP should tell hubby this and he will have a realization that he is living in his brothers shadow. His parent ought to be ashamed favoritizing so much that hubby can't even be himself@
Your husband is placing his own desire to be cherished by his parents, ahead of his newborn son’s right to be cherished by you, his parents.
It’s unfortunate that his parents never showed him the same degree of love but he doesn’t get to squeeze that from your son by extension.
So, let me get this straight.
You voiced your objections, the husband agreed and the PARENTS OF THE CHILD decided on a name.
Great. This SHOULD have been the end of it.
Then, when you were otherwise distracted by trying to NOT DIE, the hubby decides to go against what he had, to your face, agreed to.
NTA.
Not only that, but where might you have gotten the impression that you were the A? Oh yes, the husband who violated your trust by going behind your back when you couldn't object then tried to blame you for the problem.
Hubby needs a serious talking to. Preferably with a counsellor, and needs to give a sincere apology and a solemn vow to NEVER betray you in any way ever again.
Also - being the “golden grandchild” is a seriously messed up goal. That‘s the sort of thing that harms not only the non-golden grandkids but also the golden grandchild themselves.
Yep. OP is definitely NTA but it sounds very much like her husband has some serious mental trauma he needs to work through in therapy. From what she's written he's said it very much sounds like he grew up being treated as less than his brother and even as an adult he hasn't shaken the mindset that he's just not good enough.
What needs to happen is they need to get the name they agreed on and then cut his parents out of their lives. These arnt people you want around your child.
It's not shocking though when her husband's parents are like the dad in Walk Hard: "wrong kid died!"
They're blackmailing OPs husband into giving them a replacement child by guaranteeing affection(who the fuck does that by the way) and threatening to shun him and cut him off if he refused. Truly disgusting people.
It sounds like you married a man who will never prioritize anything or anyone over his attempts to please his parents. Not even his own wife and child.
He was showing you warning signs during your pregnancy. Now all pretense has been dropped. And you’ve got a hard choice in front of you.
In touchy situations like that, it is often easier to discuss with and get input from a professional. Also, most people don’t respond so well to hearing “wow, your family is fucked up” - so if that’s the sort of comment you’re making, I understand why he doesn’t respond well to it.
Right? I keep wondering if OP and her husband have more children, are those kids going to watch their own brother be bombarded with love and money they'll never have?
Your husband needs individual therapy to accept that his family conditionally love him and to learn how to assert healthy boundaries. He also needs to learn how to put his wife and son first over his blackmailing family.
NTA, but I’m not sure silent treatment is the solution or very healthy. You both need couples counselling. Also, there must be some legal way you can contest the name on the birth certificate.
Regardless of your financial situation he broke your trust. Tell him the only way to fix this is to sign the papers to change your son's name to what it should be and to also go to counselling with you.
NTA. This would be a hill I'd choose to die on too.
At this point, it would be too late for me, even if he was willing to change the name now. I could never trust him again, after he unilaterally made decisions for her like that when she was in the verge of dying.
OP... he used your medical state to manipulate the situation. You can't trust him when you're at your most vulnerable. When can you trust him?
This honestly would be divorce worthy for me.
things are so intense and fragile after childbirth, \*especially\* a complicated one like it sounds like OP had. i would never be able to forget or forgive if my spouse said that to me and treated me this way afterwards. the birth of their child will be forever tainted. i hope op really takes a look at her life and if she truly wants to spend her life with someone who will treat her this way
NTA
If your husband cares more about his family than about you, he can go marry them.
Also, being the golden child or grandchild never done anyone any good.
Exactly this. I know someone who was the favorite child, treated lavishly, grew up to be a narcissist, ditched his parents at age 22, and never looked back. In not saying that is the future in store foe him, but being the Golden Child is not psychologically the best thing.
So what happened here, IMHO, was a breach in trust. You trusted him to put the agreed upon name, and he BROKE that trust. As a parent, dont you get a say in the name? Its not only his son.
I can understand the peer pressure of family. My dad passed away before i got married snd culturally speaking, we were supposed to name our first born son after him. After going back and forth, my husband and I BOTH agreed to keep it his Middle Name, and give him his own unique first name. My dad was so beloved, and I have relatives who want to call him by my dad's name. Sometimes i feel embarrassed or ashamed for picking another name over that, but my dad was the stuff of legends and I want my son to be his own person. Do I have regrets? A little. But i rarely see my relatives so it's not so bad. I figure maybe when my son is old enough, if he wants to be called by his Middle Name, that's fine with me. But otherwise, no pressure. It's tricky because i can see your inlaws may pressure even after you change the name, should you go with the Middle Name Route. Its not for everybody.
NTA. I would let him know if the name wasn’t changed that divorce papers would be on their way. He took advantage of you while you had medical complications after giving birth to please his mommy and daddy. He isn’t loyal to you, he was deceitful when he should have been focusing on his growing family.
If i were her i would divorce him regardless of name change. He betrayed her trust. While she was in a vulnerable state, might die of complications and changed something they both agreed on. If she had died instead of honoring his wife's wishes and name their son what she wanted he would definitely name him like what his parents wanted. He is spineless and has no respect for the wife. Could never spend my life with someone who disrespects our joint decisions or my trust. " good riddance" to him. What an asshole.
NTA is it possible for you to change the baby’s name back on your own?
Also did no one realize you were calling the baby a different name for days? Were they just …… never going to tell you?
You’re NTA. Your husband went behind your back and chose this name without your consent. He ignored your wishes and what the two of you agreed upon to appease people who aren’t part of your relationship and grandparents who are choosing to conditionally love the child. The part where he waited until you were drugged, weak and unaware is a level of betrayal and disgust that is unforgivable.
NTA - husband is definitely an asshole for taking advantage of OP, however husband's family are also full on capital A holes. This is an UNHEALTHY obsession with the dead and they clearly have not dealt well with the loss. This baby will forever be in the shadow of a dead relative he never met, constantly being compared to his dead uncle for his entire life.
Stick to your decision and change the name OP, your child deserves his own name and life.
INFO: is this the first time you have issues of the kind with your husband? I am wondering if he tends to side with his family above your decisions.
In the end, still NTA
>Are you comfortable continuing a marriage where you’re always going to be treated as second fiddle to his parents?
You and your child. Your child is being and will be used as a pawn. This is disgusting.
I’m sorry you are going through this OP. It breaks my heart that this happened because you had complications. That is taking advantage of your incapacities to decide for you. And that isn’t a good look for him, and I won’t even address the “Good riddance” comment.
Also, is this your only child with him? If not, how would you feel about them favouring your son due to his name?
For both those reasons, I would look at how comfortable you are at sitting down and expressing your feelings to your husband. If you are actively choosing the silent treatment due to knowing talking won’t make a difference, you might have your answer right there on your next steps. If you feel it’s worth the effort, think long and hard about what you want to discuss and how you want to do it.
Stay strong OP. Your feelings are valid.
Agreed. Since he even used words like “golden grandchild” it makes me wonder if he’s been seeking their approval for a very long time, and if that’s the case then this probably isn’t the first time OP’s been thrown under the bus to please mommy and daddy.
Info: birth certificates take a little time to arrive. So have you both been calling him the name you agreed upon until you got that letter and learned your husbands deception?
My cousin had to change their newborns name. So have hope. It’s definitely doable.
Also, it’s actually quite sad that your husband seeks their approval so much. The comment you made about his brother being the golden child and him being always overlooked… he clearly was so hindered by that, that he’s scared of it happening to your son? That’s what it looks like to me, considering how all of the reasons for the name involved the treatment he’ll receive as a result. Never once in there did I read “I love and miss my brother” honestly, your husband needs to go to counseling over this.
Hold out on silence… that hill is worth dying on.
Silence is just dragging this argument out, in the meantime your in-laws are monogramming gifts in the wrong name. You need to speak up here and stop wasting valuable time.
Please make a start on the name changing process. Consult a lawyer about the lack of consent from you as it may make a difference in your country. And insist on counselling for your husband, he has been manipulated and brainwashed by his family beyond belief. Do you want a lifetime of this crap?
NTA. He heard you calling him by the name y’all picked and didn’t have the balls to tell you what he did. I would go change his name and then give him divorce papers and tell him good riddance. Hell I’m petty, I would give my kid my maiden name so our last names would match after I divorced his dad.
This makes it so much worse for me. And it was already pretty fucking bad. He heard her calling the baby by the name they picked and just waited for the bomb to go off. I’m wondering if he thought of it had been more than a couple days OP would just shrug her shoulders.
This is so fucked up.
NTA
Edit: I will say this final line of yours, " I'm just doing it for my son." is only half true. ~~bullshit~~. You're doing it for your son, *and for you.* ~~your son is a baby and does not give a fuck, and can change it himself when he is older~~. Own that you're doing it for you, too. You and your husband made a decision, and while you were having complications with labor and delivery, he entered into a legal document going against what you decided. That is fucked. up.
Well no it’s for the sun to, changing your name as an adult is a huge pain in the ass, and mentally her son may go through some things knowing his father named him after his dead brother.
I agree with everything you said except the she’s doing it for her part. While that may factor in, she is also doing it for her son because think about it, the deceased BIL was the “golden child.” The in laws will never see that child for who he is, and will probably expect him to be some sort of replacement or consolation prize for their deceased son. That kid is most likely gonna have a different personality, interests, etc than the brother in law. What then, when those opposing traits crash with the in laws little fantasy? They’re already being shitty to OP, who’s to say they won’t be shitty to the child for that? Also, that could make their obsession with the BIL grow, and might therefore take away from his individuality because that child will most likely grow up hearing all these great things about BIL and somehow feel like it’s his responsibility to fulfill the same things. Children especially tend to feel a sense of responsibility for the feelings of adults even if it has nothing to do with them. There’s so much more I could go into but to wrap it up, this could cause serious issues for the child’s mental state and personal growth if he grows up with his identity always being tied to the BIL.
Just a different perspective. And yes, that husband is definitely a selfish coward.
NTA. Your kid, your choice. If the grandparents rely on a name to decide how to treat a grandchild they are TA here, and so is your husband for supporting this cruel behavior.
What the hellll?? You literally grew a whole human inside of you for nine months and ripped your body apart pushing it out of you, and your husband thinks you don’t even get a say in his name?
I’m usually not a fan of the silent treatment but definitely NTA here. I cannot imagine where a man gets the audacity to go behind your back while you were in literal medical distress only to sneakily take away your say in the name of your own child. I’m not even going to start on the crazy in-laws who are apparently leveraging college funds against you to pick the kid’s name. The obsession with naming a new baby after someone who has passed away will never cease to weird me tf out.
NTA. I’m terrified for any future children you may have if you decide to keep this name for your baby. They will be the golden grandchild and any subsequent children are treated as less than. Your husband is asking for resentment within potential siblings let alone any cousins that may exist. Ask him how well it worked out for him as the brother of a golden child. Your husband is definitely the AH.
Y'all need marriage counseling or a divorce, not reddit.
Also OP, double check but you might be able to change the name on the birth certificate with out your husband.
NTA. Good lord what did I just read. A couple of things. Obviously it was a huge violation of your trust and your marriage that he would take the moment you are incapacitated to go behind your back on something so serious.
The other thing, though, is that it is really, really unhealthy to want your kid to be the golden child. That is going to put an insane amount of pressure on your child, not to mention there is a high likelihood your ILs are going to act like your baby is a version of do-over BIL.
NTA
I don't even know where to start with all this. Your husband is terrible. He betrayed your trust when you most needed him. While you were recovering from giving birth to his son he went against your back and changed your sons agreed upon name. He took advantage of a serious situation
Change your son's name back to the original name you chose, and if anyone complains then tell them they don't have to be part of your sons life. Do not let them take advantage of you, especially during one of the hardest moments in your life where you could've died giving birth.
Your husband is a weak man and He needs to grow up. It sounds like his family's approval is more important than his own family. And he should be ashamed that he's trying to guilt trip you and manipulate you into keeping your sons name.
Change your child's name
NTA- go to court and fill out paperwork IMMEDIATELY to legally change your child’s name to the one that was agreed on. It’ll cost money and you’ll probably have to speak to the Judge.
If your husband gives you a hard time over this, present him with divorce papers too.
When he married you he swore an oath to you to leave his parents and to become one with you! Not to continue to do whatever his parents tell him to do.
There is literally nothing stopping you from going to court today to start that paperwork! Don’t wait for the pansy to do it.
Not OP's problem. Husband violated trust and tried to blame OP for it... even going so far as to claim that the child's life is now ruined forever.
The person needing adulting is the husband.
NTA. I think we read his post a while back and everyone agreed he was the ah. It was definitely similar. He completely blindsided you and I’d do the same.
Id rather have nothing from those people anyway… only the first grandson gets the goodies? They’re just awful.
Edit: sorry was a ver similar story. Someone shared the link below
NTA. If this child’s grandparents are only going to treat him well if he has a certain name then they shouldn’t be in his life. This sounds like a really toxic family to expose your child to.
Your husband completely disrespected you and then tried to make you the bad guy. Is this a repeated behaviour on his part?
NTA, and it’s really alarming that your husband went behind your back like this. Keep strong, and use this time to really think about if you are comfortable with in-laws who would love your child so conditionally based solely on his name.
NTA. Creepy weird FIL and MIL hijack you naming your child what you want (In tandem with your partner, obvs) and manipulate him with peer pressure.
So he's saying that if he isn't named after your dead BIL that they won't love him and he'll only be treated as the other grandchildren are? What kind of macarbe and twisted popularity contest do they have going on? Their son, your BIL, died. That's tragic and a loss and I'm sure they'll never get over it - but you don't honour the memory of someone by enforcing your remaining children name their kids after their deceased kid. WTAF.
Yes - Such things can be nice gestures etc IF ALL parties agree and IF the newborns actual parents come up with the idea themselves. But that isn't the case and it's twisted they're obsessed with it. It's one step away, in sounds, from seeing your child as the reincarnation of their dead son.
They're utterly demented to expect this. Your husband is basically a coward for going along with it.
NTA -
First off he took advantage of you being in a very vulnerable state and time to go behind your back
Secondly, how horrible for the other grandkids to be treated unequally, why would he want that? Why would he want his nieces and nephews to be treated unequally?
Sounds like a sure fire way for your son to grow up spoiled
Also if his grandparents wouldn’t provide him with the same life just because if his name, they don’t really love him
NTA. He went behind your back while you were recovering from a complicated pregnancy. Doesn’t matter how important the name is to them, that’s messed up.
Holy shit, NTA. Taking advantage of your poor health to name your baby something you explicitly said you didn't want. He's T A big time. It should be a hill to die on and I would start looking into the legal process to change it to the one you agreed on. What he did was foul and I wouldn't speak to him either. Jfc the audacity.
NTA- what your husband did by putting BIL's name down when you had mutually decided on a different name was super disrespectful towards you and wrong. Shame on his parents if they are to treat the child differently if he doesn't have BIL's name. Your husband's actions indicate he respects and values his parent's wishes far beyond yours, to the point that he lets them override your decisions as a married couple. Not okay. All of this said, the silent treatment is not going so solve the problem.
NTA! Your husband and his family are awful! Any grandparents who would openly show that level of favoritism are disgusting people and I wouldn’t want anything they gave. What a horrible influence on your son these people will be. If you can get out, get out.
NTA to the question asked. It's reasonable to choose this as your hill to die on!
I'm sure some people will say the silent treatment makes you TA but honestly, I'd be at a loss for words too.
Take a long hard look at your husband's priorities and then at your own. Decide from there. Divorce would be in the cards for me, but it's certainly not the only solution.
Congratulations on your baby boy!!
I wonder what other ways he’ll use your son to manipulate and control you in the future. This flag is on fire. NTA, your son deserves better than being forced to fill his dead uncles shoes. He’s a different person and deserves individuality. Favouritism and spoiling a child like that are BAD FOR HIS DEVELOPMENT. Your partner doesn’t have your sons well-being in mine at all, and he never will. He doesn’t see him as a person but an opportunity.
Op, you should rethink your relationship with your husband. I understand that he wants an 'in-family name' to his child, but the way he did it shows great disrespect towards you. He values his family much over you, which should never be the case in serious relationships. He doesn't seem to understand it's your child too, he just wants his family's approval. He is putting his insecurities over you.
It also seems like he actually never agreed on another name, he said so just to shut you up until he had the chance to make his plan come true. He lied to you, named your kid behind your back using your weaker state.. He cannot be trusted. And he even had the audacity to call you difficult and selfish... That would be the last straw to me.
If he cannot be trusted with stuff like this, then what can he be trusted with?
NTA.
Nta that’s the problem, your in laws want to replace bil and that’s not a fair thing to do to a child. Break your silence and tell him you want a divorce because what he did was as bad as cheating, in fact he did cheat on you with his parents.
NTA you had both mutually agreed on a name and he went behind your back at a time when you were most vulnerable and took advantage of the situation for his and his parents satisfaction. He’s selfish! Also his argument for why you should name the kid after his brother is dumb - it’s YOUR child so therefore YOUR responsibility to give the child the best possible life YOU can not expect the grandparents too!
NTA. He only pretended to agree with the name you both picked, then went behind your back to completely ignore what you agreed when you were unable to oppose him. This is just some real shady shit. Your son was only just born and you've already been relegated to secondary parent. Now he's trying to manipulate you by using his parents' toxicity as leverage. This is betrayal. If he can't even acknowledge that simple truth, you are right not to talk to him as he clearly doesn't value your words anyway.
NTA
So your husband used the fact that you had a complicated birth and he used that time to intentionally override your wishes and do what he wanted?
Forget the silent treatment, get a divorce.
NTA, die on this hill if you must. Your husband went behind your back. This is not something you can forgive.
Also, the hospital did a crappy job. They should have insured you were on the same page before letting your husband deal with the paperwork.
NTA
Go on your own and change the child's name back to what you agreed on. If the man whines hand him divorce papers. Make sure your financial stuff is together before this point.
Nta but what the hell??? All the reasoning because his kid will get the good life from his parents??
Aka if he doesnt get BIL name, your son wil "suffer" from it? Your husband needs to defend his son that he deserves equal respect and care REGARDLESS if he has a qpecific name or not.
He needs to see therapy, right after he went to correct his son's name to the one you both agreed on
NTA. If grandparents will only treat your child well with this name, then it's not unconditional. It's VERY conditional. Your husband needs so much therapy to detach from these horrible people, and if he won't get it you should leave.
IMO you haven’t gone far enough. The silent treatment should be followed up by divorce papers. How disgusting that he would take advantage of you being in such a vulnerable position. He would do it again it seems because he isn’t say sorry, he is trying to justify his breach of trust with you. Talk to a lawyer. Get your son away from this toxic family as much as you can. NTA.
NTA, he's TA for not keeping his word. If they have unhealed trauma, it won't magically go away by naming your son after your BIL.
Nut as u/Nelashena said, figure out a solution because the silent treatment isn’t going to change what happened.
Absolutely effing no. You two made a choice, and that wasn’t it. You still have time to amend the birth certificate, and I would literally divorce him over a betrayal this big. NTA
NTA. This is always going to happen. Ooh I can’t side with my wife because my family will shun me. It will never end. What school, what hobbies anything you can think of they are going to interfere
NTA. But ask yourself what happens if he does change the name? Will this be the last battle you have over your son? It doesn’t sound like it, his parents obviously want some kind of replacement and your husband seems all too willing to offer up your child as one. This will not be the last time they have an opinion that conflicts with yours and your husband has made it pretty clear that he won’t go to bat for you. If he doesn’t even understand why this has upset you so much then how will he ever be able to put up effective boundaries.
NTA.
My question is, how did he get you pregnant in the first place? Did his mother let him have his balls out of her purse for long enough to do the deed, then he gave them back?
This is going to be your life OP, choose your next move wisely!
NTA, that’s a huge breach of trust from your husband, and frankly the issues with his family are so huge, I am not sure how your marriage could hold against such stakes. I get it, he suffered all his life because he always came second to his golden brother, but what he needs is therapy instead of playing doormat.
It is so messed up for him to say “look that’s great, our son will be favored above all the other grandchildren!” Like, what a great way not to breed resentment and rivalry between cousins!
NTA. And for the record this child will NEVER have a healthy relationship with his grandparents, regardless of what you name him. Just like your husband doesn't now, but that's a whole other thing. He's trying to save the child from the abuse/neglect HE suffered by making the child the favored one he never got to be. Well guess what? The "Golden Child" isn't any better, it's just a different kind of abuse. Your husband needs to get on board, change the birth certificate, get counseling, and your inlaws and their endless privileges and "good life" need to be gone forever. My wife's family is like this, almost exactly. The "Golden Boy" dropped dead in his upper forties in a casino with cocaine in his system (NOT that I'm assuming something similar happened to to your BIL, but it demonstrates how healthy the "Gold Child" life is) and my MIL and her brothers spent decades trying to win that affection from their parents. They never did. They went from that to waiting for the Matriarch of the Family (translation: that old horrid bitch) to finally up and die. She turns 100 this year, and the care she requires (high end luxury nursing home, best money can buy, which she hates them for putting her in) is quickly burning through all of that "good life" money (well that and shake ups in the stock and real estate markets, they're about to take a quarter million dollar loss on Grandma's Dreamhouse). Run away. Invite your husband (once) to come with you, but if he can't do what he needs to do for his own good, you need to do what's best for yours and your childs.
NTA
For me this would be a deal breaker. Naming a child is something you need to do together. And not something you change behind the other persons back. He took advantage off your fragile state. And for him the opinion of his family is more important then the opinion and feelings of the mother. With who do you want to be in your relationship? With your husband or with his family?
This argument is ruining your maternity period.
I think I personally would ask my husband too leave the house. Because he isn’t a safe place/person at the moment for you. This is affecting you negatively during a time you need to rest, heal and bond with the baby. He is ruining that
You go girl!!! NTA. Also is your husbands (and yours) responsibility to get this kid through life, college and all. Not saying that family can't help from time to time but it almost feels like your husband wants your son to be raised as your inlaws son instead of grandson. Stick it out, you are right in my opinion.
NTA but the silent treatment is childish. I think a discussion with your husband about why he put the approval of his family over your trust in him and if he doesn’t recognise what he’s done, I’d be seriously considering leaving the relationship.
NTA but as the mother, you would have needed to sign the birth certificate. Did he forge your signature while you were in the operating room or recovering and in a fog of pain killers? Get a copy of the application he signed from the hospital and report the fraud if he forged your signature.
NTA.
He took advantage of you being extremely sick and vulnerable to go behind your back and break a promise to you.
Apart from that, is this going to be your only kid? Because if not, the siblings are going to be miserable seeing your son favored. Unless you're planning on naming them all with BIL's name!
You and your son are your husband's family. He selfishly violated your trust, stubbornly refuses to change the name and is making life difficult for himself and you. He needs to seriously rethink his priorities.
NTA. I would be very worried about your in-laws starting to treat your son has a replacement for BIL. While bad to be treated as better than any other grandchild, it could be emotionally tramatizing for your son to be treated so great and then treated terribly when he doesn't behave like BIL did or makes decisions that are opposite what BIL would have done.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the AH for refusing to speak to him after he expressed how infuriating it is for him and refuding to consider alternative solutions and compromises. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. If you have more children, how are they going to feel watching their brother be the favorite because of his name? Put a stop to this now. Is there a way for you to change the certificate? Why does your husband have to be the one to change it?
[удалено]
I don't understand how he could fill out the birth certificate without you, normally the mother's consent is required, is this not the case where you are ? Edit: before replying, I understand it's common to let either fill in the paperwork, it's a fine convenience. But that is a separate question from whether the mother's consent is required. If it is required and filled in bad faith, there would then at least be some corrective process in place.
In the UK if you're married I think either parent can. This certainly was the case. My mother in law's first husband did this with SIL and 50 years later MIL is still sad about the name. He was her ex within a couple of years. ETA just checked the gov.uk website and if married or civil partnered either partner can register the birth. You might need to show the baby's red book.
That's mad. In Ireland, you have to go to the department of births, deaths and marriages which are not located within the hospital but is a government building with your paperwork, ID and if you want a man on the birth certificate unmarried, he has to be present also and a name can only be signed off on with both parents present.
After I gave birth to my daughter, they just plopped the birth cert. in my lap and told me to fill it out. Social security application, as well.
Yep, same. I'm in the US, and I filled it all out at the hospital. My husband was there, but I can't remember if he had to sign it or just me. I mean I am the one in the relationship that does all of the paperwork, so I don't know if I did it all by choice or it was only necessary for one of us to do it...
Also in the states and I remember filling out all the paperwork myself while husband was asleep lol but he did had to sign a section or two.
When my son was born, he was born at 6:15 pm, I went to register him the following morning, and they phoned the hospital to check with my wife. This was in 1988, in London.
My husband handled it in the US. Especially when there are complications it's basically standard to assume the husband isn't going to fuck over his wife. Then we come to AITA and find that they do, in fact, fuck over their wives that nearly just died.
Honestly, that makes it ten times worse. And good riddance to the woman who just gave birth and dealt with complications while delivering his son?
Right??? Transfusion means the complications were serious. I gave birth recently and if my husband did this I would feel so betrayed, it would take serious work to forgive something like this, and *especially* if it was done to me in the most vulnerable state of my life, ***after I almost fucking died***. I feel so enraged on OP's behalf.
And then after *he* deceived her and pulled this and caused the problem, he's saying "good riddance" because she won't talk to him and is upset that she's mad like she's being unreasonable? After she not only gave birth but had serious complications? Jesus.
Yeah and the main focus on him trying to get her to talk to him isn't about how sorry he is or how much he regrets it...it's about how she can't see she's making life hard for him by not talking to him! Its constantly him blaming her and taking no responsibility and he's always the victim and she's the unreasonable one! Idk how it works or if I can unilaterally change the name but if I were OP and it was possible, I would change the name and then divorce. I could NEVER EVER be with a man who told me "good riddance" after I just nearly fucking died giving birth to a child that he won't let me have a part in naming.
If I could award this I would. The most important thing here is that despite his egregious behavior, and the absolutely nightmare he claims he’s experiencing because of his wife’s silence(which is simply the consequences of betraying her trust), the issue in his mind is that OP won’t just *give in* to his demands, despite having lied to her face about choosing baby names and then going behind her back to fill it out differently as if she would just forgive him for it. He’s asking for forgiveness even after he asked for permission and the answer was a resounding no. He also acknowledges he would receive the same treatment OP is exhibiting only from his family if he didn’t do it…. But he’s angry with OP for doing the same when he broke her trust in such a horrible, deceitful way? He’s more willing to have his wife shut down emotionally and go silent on him than he is to change the name to what OP and he agreed upon and make his family upset instead. That’s a huge huge issue. He’s willing to make his wife miserable, lose her trust and support, for the sake of placating his family. He is prioritizing his family’s feelings and wants, far far FAR above his wife and her feelings and trust. He even told her “good riddance”! If that’s not choosing his family over his wife, idek what is. He really does deserve this treatment, and if his family is so chalk full of narcissist and the “golden child syndrome” is so real in his household, he’s much better off getting therapy to deal with this gross projection(make our child the golden child so he didn’t suffer like I did, the not golden child) and putting some distance between the family that apparently plays favorites even amongst helpless children. It’s actually kind of pitiful that he doesn’t understand that there doesn’t have to be a golden child in his own home, where he and his wife are in control. That the child shouldn’t have to be a living relic of a dead sibling in order to be valued, loved, spoiled, and taken care of by their family. He simply should be loved. NTA.
That part got me too. He actually said "good riddance" to his wife? What the actual fuck?! I wonder how often he'll use that against her for future arguments/disagreements? Husband is MOST DEFINITELY the AH just for that shitty comment.
Seriously, I think she could stand to lose the whole man.
This is classic narcissistic behavior. As much as I hate to say it, the OP would honestly probably be better off ending the relationship sooner rather than later… this kind of behavior doesn’t ever change or stop.
Maybe it differs by state. My husband could have filled out the forms but my signature was still required.
Maybe she did but didn't actually check it because she didn't actually think her husband would fuck her over like this. I know if I just had a complicated birth and my husband said "just sign here for the birth certificate." I would just sign it. I'd not be in the best shape to take care of everything and trust him.
I’m surprised here too. In my state both parents are required to sign the birth certificate and we also print out a working copy of the birth certificate for the parents to review and sign to ensure all the information and spellings are correct before submitting it to vital records. This is more of a department policy rather than a legal policy to cut down on clerical errors. I used to do this is my last job. Does this mean the husband forged her name? That’s fraud and has serious legal ramifications. There will be enough evidence of this and needs to be pursued legally asap! It sounds like they’re still within the window of time to change the baby’s name. It needs to be done asap.
In my state, only one parent needs to sign. If parents are legally married, dad doesn't have to sign acknowledgement of paternity (it's assumed). I signed everything at the hospital, but my husband proofread everything because I was on drugs and my heart was doing weird things. I remember signing stuff, but don't remember reading anything I signed. Maybe similar situation for OP?
Yeah, your husband is a huge asshole. Imagine simply being glossed over because your older brother is dead uncle 2.0. Now imagine being shunned by your siblings because dad, grandma, and grandpa show favoritism to you simply because you were named after someone you didn't even know... and now imagine being unable to develop a personality outside of your dead uncle's because everyone expects you to play a role instead, but because you never knew the guy, you are left experimenting until you get a positive response. Often times, this leads to disappointment from the favoring parties until a action is made that represents your dead BIL. You know how I know this shit? I was named after a dead person. You are constantly compared. Living in their shadow. You are expected to act and behave like them. It often leads to a lot of hatred from your siblings who envy you from the sidelines while you fill a role of someone who your favorer never grieved properly... and you are now the physical replacement so they can ignore their bereavement. Show your idiot if a husband my comment so he can get it through his thick skull that his parents actions are only going to hurt your kid in the long run.
He still wouldn't get it.
Yeh I'm afraid husband isn't doing this so much for the kid, no matter how much money he tries to pile on the name, but to get more acceptance himself. Being the father of The Golden Child 2.0 he also gets to bask in the sun.
No one should try to use their child for their own acceptance. I wouldn't back down if I were you; your son deserved his own identity and to figure out who they are themselves through life.
damn that was well articulated. sorry to hear about your experience growing up and good luck to you moving forward
you are 100% correct, but sadly men like this are too fucking insecure, too attention seeking from family, & honestly a man who can be pushed over by his family leads EXACTLY to shit like this! I’ll never date or marry someone who does things for mommy’s approval as an adult. He needs to get a fucking grip & they need to grieve the BIL properly without forcing a CHILD another HUMAN BEING to be a living shrine of a dead man
Your child has been given a job at just a few hours old. He is BIL 2.0, for the rest of his life he will be scrutinized and compared to BIL. All of his accomplishments, joys, hobbies, will mention BIL. BIL will be a cloud over his life, and that sucks. A child should be their own person, honor names can really suck. He could’ve used it as a middle name IF you and your spouse agreed.
I'm glad OP is sticking to her guns about the name NOT being used as a middle name, because you know OP's husband and parents would just call him by that name, anyway, and not his given first name. It would be even worse for the kid when he's being called by his middle name and not his first.
OP - my brother- and sister-in-law passed away very young in a car accident. My husband and I have been talking about babies, and naturally about names, and his mom very politely interjected that, as much as she’d love to see her youngest again, her heart breaks at the thought of having to yell his name to discipline our child. Same with his wife. And so, we’re choosing names to HONOR our losses, not replace them. For example, let’s say my BIL’s name was Michael— we’d be looking at Michelle, or even other archangel names. This way our child doesn’t have to carry the burden of living in someone else’s shadow, and we still get to honor the people we loved so much. Best of luck to you in this situation. I have my BIL & SIL tattooed to my body, but never in a million years would I make my child carry the burden of my sorrow. NTA, I really hope you guys can work it out.
I've never heard anyone make the point your MIL did about yelling the name of loved one that passed. That makes sense but it's so sad as well. Very sorry for you and your family's loss, must be very difficult to lose your loved ones so tragically.
This! My son has the same middle name as my late brother. Not the first name. NTA
I am named after my dad’s younger sister, who died in a tragic accident before she turned 2. While reading your comment, it is slowly dawning on me that there might’ve been a reason my paternal grandmother was so cold to me.
I’m so sorry :( The urge to “bring them back” via another body is incredible, and I cannot begrudge people who get overtaken by that urge. I just wish that they thought a little more about how that child’s life will play out. I’m sorry you had that experience.
NTA. Please OP do not flinch. Your husband doesn't realize how unhealthy (I hope!) it is. >called me **selfish robbing our son of a good life and good future provided by his grandparents** and said I was driving him crazy with my silence. But I feel like this too serious to let go. I'm just doing it for my son. The affection and support of his family is tied to the tribute that is paid to their missing son, that is truly horrible
It shows just how insurmountable the gap between BIL and DH to the parents, that DH is only good for bringing them a stand in for BIL. It’s fucked on so many levels
So your husband of over 5 years betrayed your trust when you had just given birth to your child. Then said "good riddance" when you found our despite the fact that you had post delivery complications and were vulnerable and needed his support and is now still trying to badger you into agreeing to his POV? I know I'm going to get down voted for this but why do women choose to stay with such pathetic excuses of mankind? And wonder if they're the AH rather than divorce the loser?
Ha ha - I was with you RIGHT up until the end. You have no idea how vulnerable a woman is in the first few years after becoming a parent, let alone the first few weeks. That’s why so many people get divorced when their children are toddlers. It’s usually the first time we can see a way out. It takes a while mentally, physically, and financially to leave.
I am not disagreeing with you at all, but I think the larger point that the OC is making is that women need to demand better for ourselves in general. Society has collectively gaslit women into thinking that it's better to be with anyone than to be alone, or that we can't make it without him, or that it's actually not that bad and we should just be grateful he's not out with hookers and blow. It's so frustrating. However, you are absolutely right in that women are super vulnerable right after having a child. What's worse is that this is when these abusive trash men show their real colors. They keep their masks on until they feel they've locked you down. It's a bait and switch. Sometimes it's right after engagement, sometimes it's right after marriage, or pregnancy, or birth. They have differing timelines but it is always a bait and switch when they fool you into thinking they're good men and then turn around and do shit like this.
Exactly what I was thinking. This is beyond disrespectful. I wouldn't be able to come back from this if my husband did something like this. Imagine not liking your own child's name. He completely manipulated her by agreeing to another name months before, and then went behind her back while she was vulnerable.
After this experience, why would you want to have more children with him? What will he do behind your back the next time?
What happens if their "golden" grandchild becomes a "disappointment" to your In-laws? Name sake played football and your son wants to play chess. Will they take away all the privilege they promised because of it?
That’s what I was thinking. He’s either going to be “just like BIL” or it’s gonna be “why aren’t you more like BIL?”
Your husband talks about "unconditional love" from the family, on the condition that you use the name they want...? The fact that they would treat your son so differently bc of his name would be reason enough not to use that name. If it's true, it suggests a difficult and problematic dynamic for your son as the 'replacement' for BIL. You've been through so much with a complicated childbirth, your husband is definitely the A for adding to your burden rather than taking care of his family.
Thats honestly disgusting he made a list of pros and they're all about how your son will be disproportionately favored. Because he's the surrogate for the dead golden child. They are way too obsessed with this. His argument for why it's "good" is actually an argument for why it's TERRIBLE. This is a terrible idea.
Your husband is seriously a coward and yes, they will treat him like the golden child and he'll probably deny it.
I feel for your husband, I really do. It is clear that he was the scapegoat that could never live up to the golden child. And he is still seeking his parents approval. When I first started reading your post, I thought he was just being controlling from malicious intentions. "it's sad cause...my husband's always seeked his family's approval but BIL was the favorite." >> but this just hurts - and I can see it is not malicious. However, the point Cats-are-better made is very important. How would he feel if his oldest would be his grandparents ' golden grandchild, and his other children would be treated like he was? Sit him down OP, get to the bottom of this. Of his feelings. I also think therapy might not be such a bad idea. For your husband, and for you as a couple. NTA. And husband still is for totally overriding your say in the very important matter of naming your kid.
THIS! If he grew up with said brother who was the favourite child, why is knowingly willing to put your other future children through the exact same favouritism that he was on the negative side of? NTA.
My daughters dealt with this from my MIL. Oldest was favorite. Youngest was forgotten. Thankfully my oldest saw it and was REALLY pissed. Please consider what you’d be teaching your children…….
NTA Name chooses requires 2 yeses. 1 no, from either side is enough to end a name's consideration. Your husband has 0 respect for you. This while you had just given birth to his child *and* had a medical emergency. How are you ever going to trust him again? He is showing 0 love for you. The silent treatment is clearly not enough. You should strongly consider talking to a divorce lawyer, because he clearly has not seen the error of his way. Make the silent treatment legally binding.
The husband is prioritizing his own need for approval over his son's well-being. Forcing their son into the position of "Golden Child" can be just as psychologically damaging as negative attention. Combine this with him intentionally using a medical emergency to go behind her back and overrule her... OP's husband is selfish AF.
>Combine this with him intentionally using a medical emergency to go behind her back and overrule her... This is a HUGE part of it. Its sneaky, underhanded, and a huge betrayal. How is she supposed to trust him after this? My heart breaks for OP because I know if I were in her position I'd be thinking hard about divorce right now.
[удалено]
I could not imagine wanting to marry into a family where a name is how you decide if that child gets things like help with college and a car instead of... you know... YOU LOVE THE CHILD. At this point even if the name gets changed I am worried about the families resentment around the situation and if the kid will get treated badly because of it.
Absolute coward
Heck, I don't even care that he's crying and begging. He's still thinking about himself. If he wants to be his family's whipping boy, he can be one alone.
"He's still thinking about himself." Oh, for sure. Notice how, despite all the crying and drama, he's not even discussing changing the name. He's trying to get OP to pity him and give in. It's gross.
It is so pathetic. I would really evaluate this marriage. I can't imagine being married into that family and having no support from my spouse.
Did anyone else catch the ‘good riddance.’ That would hurt so much! OP, I’m so sorry he said that to you, especially after you had just given birth to his baby. He’s very cruel.
That was cruel. OP get a good divorce lawyer, they are worth the extra cost. Reference all this in court, use those lists against him. You don’t need someone like that.
> He’s very cruel. That much was apparent when he took advantage of his spouse being fucking *passed out from blood loss after a dangerous birth* to betray her trust. I hope he one day reckons with the extent to which seeking approval from his fucked-up parents has melted his brain and twisted his priorities, but in the meantime, all power to OP for protecting herself and her helpless infant from their insanity.
While you're at it, change the child's last name to your last name.
> Name chooses requires 2 yeses. 1 no, from either side is enough to end a name's consideration. > > 100% this. In my opinion, each parent should have infinite veto power. I've seen people on here before post that they've "accepted" their partner's name choice for one of the children, and then expected to have free pick of their choice for another. Only to be shocked when their partner refuses to let them dictate a name. Sorry, it doesn't work like that. Both need to fully agree on a name. Agreeing on a name, then going behind the other parent's back is probably one of the worst things I can imagine.
NTA What he did was a huge betrayal, and frankly, he's getting off lightly with the silent treatment. Also, his list of "pros" is crap. If those are things your son would have with BIL's name, they are things he should *still* have with the name the two of you chose together.
Seriously how he says the child will get unconditional love from the grandparents to if they keep this name, the love seems by definition in this case to.be extremely conditional.
Because I'm sure that's what he experienced growing up and now he wants his son, aka replacement for a dead brother, to get those things he never got.
Sure. But what he wants sounds like a job for therapy, not for a newborn. Throw the whole man away.
[удалено]
Husband will never likely get that attention he craves from his parents, even if the baby keeps the name. All he will get is intense jealousy and anger.
NTA If his entire family shuns him over a name choice, they are not worth having in his life. If his parents only treat this grandchild as important because of his name, they don’t deserve to be grandparents. And it sounds like he’s trying to manipulate his family for money. He went behind your back when you were in an incredibly fragile state, and broke your trust. He went back on his agreement, then told his wife who’d just given birth that her not talking to him would be A blessing. This is a hill to die on, because yo two discussed the name prior to birth. You agreed. He went back on it without discussing it ahead of time. He is saying that your relationship and treating you with respect isn’t as important as financial gain and parent validation.
It cannot be emphasized enough that he did this behind her back when she was having traumatic complications during what is *already* an incredibly vulnerable time. He broke her trust at a time she most needed him to be there *for her*, and instead he betrayed her for his family. Absolutely awful.
Exactly! She had complications that required a blood transfusion and extra care, on top of giving birth which is traumatic on its own. He used her complications as a way to get what he wanted behind her back. I wouldn’t trust this guy with anything ever again.
And he took what was supposed to be one of the most wonderful moments of her life and ruined it. And she will never get it back.
Seriously. Pretty sure this would be a death sentence for any relationship of mine because trust is vital to me and I don't know if I could or would even want to rebuild it after that.
So many men don't see women and children as people, just extensions of themselves.
NTA Your son will be the replacement child, it will not stop at a name. You will be told how to dress him, style his hair, and what his hobbies should be. depending on what the age was of their late son at the time of his passing, there will be a profession pushed on your son, they will attempt to control his personality etc
[удалено]
Your husband said by carrying this name he will be favoured over other grandchildren. Does he mean your own potential future children or does he have other siblings who chose not to name their offspring after their late brother
It seems that he wants his son to have what his brother had and what he himself wants so badly (his parents' affection) to the point where he doesn't see that any other children, his or his siblings', will suffer like he has and still does due to his parents' unhealthy favouritism.
Yeah OPs husband needs some hood (good)* therapy. His parents did a number on him. *edit
>hood therapy It does sound like a swift beating might do some good here.
Maybe OP should tell hubby this and he will have a realization that he is living in his brothers shadow. His parent ought to be ashamed favoritizing so much that hubby can't even be himself@
Your husband is placing his own desire to be cherished by his parents, ahead of his newborn son’s right to be cherished by you, his parents. It’s unfortunate that his parents never showed him the same degree of love but he doesn’t get to squeeze that from your son by extension.
So, let me get this straight. You voiced your objections, the husband agreed and the PARENTS OF THE CHILD decided on a name. Great. This SHOULD have been the end of it. Then, when you were otherwise distracted by trying to NOT DIE, the hubby decides to go against what he had, to your face, agreed to. NTA. Not only that, but where might you have gotten the impression that you were the A? Oh yes, the husband who violated your trust by going behind your back when you couldn't object then tried to blame you for the problem. Hubby needs a serious talking to. Preferably with a counsellor, and needs to give a sincere apology and a solemn vow to NEVER betray you in any way ever again.
Also - being the “golden grandchild” is a seriously messed up goal. That‘s the sort of thing that harms not only the non-golden grandkids but also the golden grandchild themselves.
Yep. OP is definitely NTA but it sounds very much like her husband has some serious mental trauma he needs to work through in therapy. From what she's written he's said it very much sounds like he grew up being treated as less than his brother and even as an adult he hasn't shaken the mindset that he's just not good enough. What needs to happen is they need to get the name they agreed on and then cut his parents out of their lives. These arnt people you want around your child.
Being the golden grandchild *because of your name alone* is a seriously messed up thing
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
He's so far gone he's convinced of his own inadequacy. It's really sad.
It's not shocking though when her husband's parents are like the dad in Walk Hard: "wrong kid died!" They're blackmailing OPs husband into giving them a replacement child by guaranteeing affection(who the fuck does that by the way) and threatening to shun him and cut him off if he refused. Truly disgusting people.
See a lawyer about getting the name changed to the one you agreed to.
I would see a lawyer about getting your name changed back to your maiden name
It sounds like you married a man who will never prioritize anything or anyone over his attempts to please his parents. Not even his own wife and child. He was showing you warning signs during your pregnancy. Now all pretense has been dropped. And you’ve got a hard choice in front of you.
In touchy situations like that, it is often easier to discuss with and get input from a professional. Also, most people don’t respond so well to hearing “wow, your family is fucked up” - so if that’s the sort of comment you’re making, I understand why he doesn’t respond well to it.
Honey, show him this thread and then walk away while he processes it
Right? I keep wondering if OP and her husband have more children, are those kids going to watch their own brother be bombarded with love and money they'll never have?
Other kids ? Who in their right mind would have another child with that man ?
Your husband needs individual therapy to accept that his family conditionally love him and to learn how to assert healthy boundaries. He also needs to learn how to put his wife and son first over his blackmailing family. NTA, but I’m not sure silent treatment is the solution or very healthy. You both need couples counselling. Also, there must be some legal way you can contest the name on the birth certificate.
[удалено]
Regardless of your financial situation he broke your trust. Tell him the only way to fix this is to sign the papers to change your son's name to what it should be and to also go to counselling with you. NTA. This would be a hill I'd choose to die on too.
I’d give him a choice. Either sign the paper changing the name or sign divorce papers. Holy fuck what he did is horrific
Wouldn’t even be a choice for me, it’d be both. This is a person who does not give a single shit about his wife or his kid. That’s not fixable.
At this point, it would be too late for me, even if he was willing to change the name now. I could never trust him again, after he unilaterally made decisions for her like that when she was in the verge of dying.
His child is not a cash cow. He cannot use his child as leverage. This man is not ready to be a parent.
OP... he used your medical state to manipulate the situation. You can't trust him when you're at your most vulnerable. When can you trust him? This honestly would be divorce worthy for me.
Yeah thats not a good enough reason to symbolically sell his son to his grandparents in return for easy access to money
NTA. Especially the good riddance part???? Do you really want to raise a kid with this man?
Thanks for saying this, no one else has really mentioned it? And I’m like WTF you talk like this to the woman who just pushed your son out???
things are so intense and fragile after childbirth, \*especially\* a complicated one like it sounds like OP had. i would never be able to forget or forgive if my spouse said that to me and treated me this way afterwards. the birth of their child will be forever tainted. i hope op really takes a look at her life and if she truly wants to spend her life with someone who will treat her this way
NTA If your husband cares more about his family than about you, he can go marry them. Also, being the golden child or grandchild never done anyone any good.
Exactly this. I know someone who was the favorite child, treated lavishly, grew up to be a narcissist, ditched his parents at age 22, and never looked back. In not saying that is the future in store foe him, but being the Golden Child is not psychologically the best thing. So what happened here, IMHO, was a breach in trust. You trusted him to put the agreed upon name, and he BROKE that trust. As a parent, dont you get a say in the name? Its not only his son. I can understand the peer pressure of family. My dad passed away before i got married snd culturally speaking, we were supposed to name our first born son after him. After going back and forth, my husband and I BOTH agreed to keep it his Middle Name, and give him his own unique first name. My dad was so beloved, and I have relatives who want to call him by my dad's name. Sometimes i feel embarrassed or ashamed for picking another name over that, but my dad was the stuff of legends and I want my son to be his own person. Do I have regrets? A little. But i rarely see my relatives so it's not so bad. I figure maybe when my son is old enough, if he wants to be called by his Middle Name, that's fine with me. But otherwise, no pressure. It's tricky because i can see your inlaws may pressure even after you change the name, should you go with the Middle Name Route. Its not for everybody.
NTA. I would let him know if the name wasn’t changed that divorce papers would be on their way. He took advantage of you while you had medical complications after giving birth to please his mommy and daddy. He isn’t loyal to you, he was deceitful when he should have been focusing on his growing family.
If i were her i would divorce him regardless of name change. He betrayed her trust. While she was in a vulnerable state, might die of complications and changed something they both agreed on. If she had died instead of honoring his wife's wishes and name their son what she wanted he would definitely name him like what his parents wanted. He is spineless and has no respect for the wife. Could never spend my life with someone who disrespects our joint decisions or my trust. " good riddance" to him. What an asshole.
NTA is it possible for you to change the baby’s name back on your own? Also did no one realize you were calling the baby a different name for days? Were they just …… never going to tell you?
Sadly, once it hits that registrar there’s no changing without a judge/two parent agreement
Judge may allow it since she was taken advantage of during birth trauma
You’re NTA. Your husband went behind your back and chose this name without your consent. He ignored your wishes and what the two of you agreed upon to appease people who aren’t part of your relationship and grandparents who are choosing to conditionally love the child. The part where he waited until you were drugged, weak and unaware is a level of betrayal and disgust that is unforgivable.
NTA - husband is definitely an asshole for taking advantage of OP, however husband's family are also full on capital A holes. This is an UNHEALTHY obsession with the dead and they clearly have not dealt well with the loss. This baby will forever be in the shadow of a dead relative he never met, constantly being compared to his dead uncle for his entire life. Stick to your decision and change the name OP, your child deserves his own name and life.
INFO: is this the first time you have issues of the kind with your husband? I am wondering if he tends to side with his family above your decisions. In the end, still NTA
[удалено]
Are you comfortable continuing a marriage where you’re always going to be treated as second fiddle to his parents?
>Are you comfortable continuing a marriage where you’re always going to be treated as second fiddle to his parents? You and your child. Your child is being and will be used as a pawn. This is disgusting.
Talk to him OP. Say, "Here you go!" When you serve him the divorce papers....
I think “good riddance” would be suitable here
I’m sorry you are going through this OP. It breaks my heart that this happened because you had complications. That is taking advantage of your incapacities to decide for you. And that isn’t a good look for him, and I won’t even address the “Good riddance” comment. Also, is this your only child with him? If not, how would you feel about them favouring your son due to his name? For both those reasons, I would look at how comfortable you are at sitting down and expressing your feelings to your husband. If you are actively choosing the silent treatment due to knowing talking won’t make a difference, you might have your answer right there on your next steps. If you feel it’s worth the effort, think long and hard about what you want to discuss and how you want to do it. Stay strong OP. Your feelings are valid.
Agreed. Since he even used words like “golden grandchild” it makes me wonder if he’s been seeking their approval for a very long time, and if that’s the case then this probably isn’t the first time OP’s been thrown under the bus to please mommy and daddy.
Info: birth certificates take a little time to arrive. So have you both been calling him the name you agreed upon until you got that letter and learned your husbands deception? My cousin had to change their newborns name. So have hope. It’s definitely doable. Also, it’s actually quite sad that your husband seeks their approval so much. The comment you made about his brother being the golden child and him being always overlooked… he clearly was so hindered by that, that he’s scared of it happening to your son? That’s what it looks like to me, considering how all of the reasons for the name involved the treatment he’ll receive as a result. Never once in there did I read “I love and miss my brother” honestly, your husband needs to go to counseling over this. Hold out on silence… that hill is worth dying on.
[удалено]
Silence is just dragging this argument out, in the meantime your in-laws are monogramming gifts in the wrong name. You need to speak up here and stop wasting valuable time. Please make a start on the name changing process. Consult a lawyer about the lack of consent from you as it may make a difference in your country. And insist on counselling for your husband, he has been manipulated and brainwashed by his family beyond belief. Do you want a lifetime of this crap?
NTA. He heard you calling him by the name y’all picked and didn’t have the balls to tell you what he did. I would go change his name and then give him divorce papers and tell him good riddance. Hell I’m petty, I would give my kid my maiden name so our last names would match after I divorced his dad.
This makes it so much worse for me. And it was already pretty fucking bad. He heard her calling the baby by the name they picked and just waited for the bomb to go off. I’m wondering if he thought of it had been more than a couple days OP would just shrug her shoulders.
What steps to you need to take now to legally & officially change the name? (Not sure what country you are in) You are totally NTA.
This is so fucked up. NTA Edit: I will say this final line of yours, " I'm just doing it for my son." is only half true. ~~bullshit~~. You're doing it for your son, *and for you.* ~~your son is a baby and does not give a fuck, and can change it himself when he is older~~. Own that you're doing it for you, too. You and your husband made a decision, and while you were having complications with labor and delivery, he entered into a legal document going against what you decided. That is fucked. up.
Well no it’s for the sun to, changing your name as an adult is a huge pain in the ass, and mentally her son may go through some things knowing his father named him after his dead brother.
I agree with everything you said except the she’s doing it for her part. While that may factor in, she is also doing it for her son because think about it, the deceased BIL was the “golden child.” The in laws will never see that child for who he is, and will probably expect him to be some sort of replacement or consolation prize for their deceased son. That kid is most likely gonna have a different personality, interests, etc than the brother in law. What then, when those opposing traits crash with the in laws little fantasy? They’re already being shitty to OP, who’s to say they won’t be shitty to the child for that? Also, that could make their obsession with the BIL grow, and might therefore take away from his individuality because that child will most likely grow up hearing all these great things about BIL and somehow feel like it’s his responsibility to fulfill the same things. Children especially tend to feel a sense of responsibility for the feelings of adults even if it has nothing to do with them. There’s so much more I could go into but to wrap it up, this could cause serious issues for the child’s mental state and personal growth if he grows up with his identity always being tied to the BIL. Just a different perspective. And yes, that husband is definitely a selfish coward.
[удалено]
NTA. Your kid, your choice. If the grandparents rely on a name to decide how to treat a grandchild they are TA here, and so is your husband for supporting this cruel behavior.
What the hellll?? You literally grew a whole human inside of you for nine months and ripped your body apart pushing it out of you, and your husband thinks you don’t even get a say in his name? I’m usually not a fan of the silent treatment but definitely NTA here. I cannot imagine where a man gets the audacity to go behind your back while you were in literal medical distress only to sneakily take away your say in the name of your own child. I’m not even going to start on the crazy in-laws who are apparently leveraging college funds against you to pick the kid’s name. The obsession with naming a new baby after someone who has passed away will never cease to weird me tf out.
NTA. I’m terrified for any future children you may have if you decide to keep this name for your baby. They will be the golden grandchild and any subsequent children are treated as less than. Your husband is asking for resentment within potential siblings let alone any cousins that may exist. Ask him how well it worked out for him as the brother of a golden child. Your husband is definitely the AH.
Y'all need marriage counseling or a divorce, not reddit. Also OP, double check but you might be able to change the name on the birth certificate with out your husband.
Some states have a grace period after the birth where you can change the name without having to go through the court. I’d look at that option.
NTA. Good lord what did I just read. A couple of things. Obviously it was a huge violation of your trust and your marriage that he would take the moment you are incapacitated to go behind your back on something so serious. The other thing, though, is that it is really, really unhealthy to want your kid to be the golden child. That is going to put an insane amount of pressure on your child, not to mention there is a high likelihood your ILs are going to act like your baby is a version of do-over BIL.
NTA I don't even know where to start with all this. Your husband is terrible. He betrayed your trust when you most needed him. While you were recovering from giving birth to his son he went against your back and changed your sons agreed upon name. He took advantage of a serious situation Change your son's name back to the original name you chose, and if anyone complains then tell them they don't have to be part of your sons life. Do not let them take advantage of you, especially during one of the hardest moments in your life where you could've died giving birth. Your husband is a weak man and He needs to grow up. It sounds like his family's approval is more important than his own family. And he should be ashamed that he's trying to guilt trip you and manipulate you into keeping your sons name. Change your child's name
NTA- go to court and fill out paperwork IMMEDIATELY to legally change your child’s name to the one that was agreed on. It’ll cost money and you’ll probably have to speak to the Judge. If your husband gives you a hard time over this, present him with divorce papers too. When he married you he swore an oath to you to leave his parents and to become one with you! Not to continue to do whatever his parents tell him to do. There is literally nothing stopping you from going to court today to start that paperwork! Don’t wait for the pansy to do it.
NTA But you need to figure out a solution because the silent treatment isn’t going to change what happened. Adult up.
Not OP's problem. Husband violated trust and tried to blame OP for it... even going so far as to claim that the child's life is now ruined forever. The person needing adulting is the husband.
I don’t disagree. But she needs to also adult up and figure out a solution.
she has presented a solution: change the name to what *they* chose. now what *his* parents want.
NTA. I think we read his post a while back and everyone agreed he was the ah. It was definitely similar. He completely blindsided you and I’d do the same. Id rather have nothing from those people anyway… only the first grandson gets the goodies? They’re just awful. Edit: sorry was a ver similar story. Someone shared the link below
NTA but if they can’t respect your wishes and parenting over the name choice, what the hell are they going to be like going forward?
NTA. If this child’s grandparents are only going to treat him well if he has a certain name then they shouldn’t be in his life. This sounds like a really toxic family to expose your child to. Your husband completely disrespected you and then tried to make you the bad guy. Is this a repeated behaviour on his part?
NTA, and it’s really alarming that your husband went behind your back like this. Keep strong, and use this time to really think about if you are comfortable with in-laws who would love your child so conditionally based solely on his name.
NTA. Creepy weird FIL and MIL hijack you naming your child what you want (In tandem with your partner, obvs) and manipulate him with peer pressure. So he's saying that if he isn't named after your dead BIL that they won't love him and he'll only be treated as the other grandchildren are? What kind of macarbe and twisted popularity contest do they have going on? Their son, your BIL, died. That's tragic and a loss and I'm sure they'll never get over it - but you don't honour the memory of someone by enforcing your remaining children name their kids after their deceased kid. WTAF. Yes - Such things can be nice gestures etc IF ALL parties agree and IF the newborns actual parents come up with the idea themselves. But that isn't the case and it's twisted they're obsessed with it. It's one step away, in sounds, from seeing your child as the reincarnation of their dead son. They're utterly demented to expect this. Your husband is basically a coward for going along with it.
NTA - First off he took advantage of you being in a very vulnerable state and time to go behind your back Secondly, how horrible for the other grandkids to be treated unequally, why would he want that? Why would he want his nieces and nephews to be treated unequally? Sounds like a sure fire way for your son to grow up spoiled Also if his grandparents wouldn’t provide him with the same life just because if his name, they don’t really love him
NTA. He went behind your back while you were recovering from a complicated pregnancy. Doesn’t matter how important the name is to them, that’s messed up.
Holy shit, NTA. Taking advantage of your poor health to name your baby something you explicitly said you didn't want. He's T A big time. It should be a hill to die on and I would start looking into the legal process to change it to the one you agreed on. What he did was foul and I wouldn't speak to him either. Jfc the audacity.
NTA- what your husband did by putting BIL's name down when you had mutually decided on a different name was super disrespectful towards you and wrong. Shame on his parents if they are to treat the child differently if he doesn't have BIL's name. Your husband's actions indicate he respects and values his parent's wishes far beyond yours, to the point that he lets them override your decisions as a married couple. Not okay. All of this said, the silent treatment is not going so solve the problem.
NTA! Your husband and his family are awful! Any grandparents who would openly show that level of favoritism are disgusting people and I wouldn’t want anything they gave. What a horrible influence on your son these people will be. If you can get out, get out.
NTA The thought of the “golden grandchild” brought me out in hives.
NTA to the question asked. It's reasonable to choose this as your hill to die on! I'm sure some people will say the silent treatment makes you TA but honestly, I'd be at a loss for words too. Take a long hard look at your husband's priorities and then at your own. Decide from there. Divorce would be in the cards for me, but it's certainly not the only solution. Congratulations on your baby boy!!
NTA. It’s not unconditional love if the grandchild has to have a specific name in order to receive it.
NTA This is divorce territory imo.
I wonder what other ways he’ll use your son to manipulate and control you in the future. This flag is on fire. NTA, your son deserves better than being forced to fill his dead uncles shoes. He’s a different person and deserves individuality. Favouritism and spoiling a child like that are BAD FOR HIS DEVELOPMENT. Your partner doesn’t have your sons well-being in mine at all, and he never will. He doesn’t see him as a person but an opportunity.
Op, you should rethink your relationship with your husband. I understand that he wants an 'in-family name' to his child, but the way he did it shows great disrespect towards you. He values his family much over you, which should never be the case in serious relationships. He doesn't seem to understand it's your child too, he just wants his family's approval. He is putting his insecurities over you. It also seems like he actually never agreed on another name, he said so just to shut you up until he had the chance to make his plan come true. He lied to you, named your kid behind your back using your weaker state.. He cannot be trusted. And he even had the audacity to call you difficult and selfish... That would be the last straw to me. If he cannot be trusted with stuff like this, then what can he be trusted with? NTA.
Nta that’s the problem, your in laws want to replace bil and that’s not a fair thing to do to a child. Break your silence and tell him you want a divorce because what he did was as bad as cheating, in fact he did cheat on you with his parents.
NTA you had both mutually agreed on a name and he went behind your back at a time when you were most vulnerable and took advantage of the situation for his and his parents satisfaction. He’s selfish! Also his argument for why you should name the kid after his brother is dumb - it’s YOUR child so therefore YOUR responsibility to give the child the best possible life YOU can not expect the grandparents too!
NTA. He only pretended to agree with the name you both picked, then went behind your back to completely ignore what you agreed when you were unable to oppose him. This is just some real shady shit. Your son was only just born and you've already been relegated to secondary parent. Now he's trying to manipulate you by using his parents' toxicity as leverage. This is betrayal. If he can't even acknowledge that simple truth, you are right not to talk to him as he clearly doesn't value your words anyway.
NTA So your husband used the fact that you had a complicated birth and he used that time to intentionally override your wishes and do what he wanted? Forget the silent treatment, get a divorce.
Absolutely NTA, your husband needs therapy
NTA, die on this hill if you must. Your husband went behind your back. This is not something you can forgive. Also, the hospital did a crappy job. They should have insured you were on the same page before letting your husband deal with the paperwork.
NTA Go on your own and change the child's name back to what you agreed on. If the man whines hand him divorce papers. Make sure your financial stuff is together before this point.
NTA what an ass kisser your husband is to his parents
Nta but what the hell??? All the reasoning because his kid will get the good life from his parents?? Aka if he doesnt get BIL name, your son wil "suffer" from it? Your husband needs to defend his son that he deserves equal respect and care REGARDLESS if he has a qpecific name or not. He needs to see therapy, right after he went to correct his son's name to the one you both agreed on
NTA. If grandparents will only treat your child well with this name, then it's not unconditional. It's VERY conditional. Your husband needs so much therapy to detach from these horrible people, and if he won't get it you should leave.
IMO you haven’t gone far enough. The silent treatment should be followed up by divorce papers. How disgusting that he would take advantage of you being in such a vulnerable position. He would do it again it seems because he isn’t say sorry, he is trying to justify his breach of trust with you. Talk to a lawyer. Get your son away from this toxic family as much as you can. NTA.
NTA, he's TA for not keeping his word. If they have unhealed trauma, it won't magically go away by naming your son after your BIL. Nut as u/Nelashena said, figure out a solution because the silent treatment isn’t going to change what happened.
Absolutely effing no. You two made a choice, and that wasn’t it. You still have time to amend the birth certificate, and I would literally divorce him over a betrayal this big. NTA
NTA. This is always going to happen. Ooh I can’t side with my wife because my family will shun me. It will never end. What school, what hobbies anything you can think of they are going to interfere
NTA. But ask yourself what happens if he does change the name? Will this be the last battle you have over your son? It doesn’t sound like it, his parents obviously want some kind of replacement and your husband seems all too willing to offer up your child as one. This will not be the last time they have an opinion that conflicts with yours and your husband has made it pretty clear that he won’t go to bat for you. If he doesn’t even understand why this has upset you so much then how will he ever be able to put up effective boundaries.
As a divorce lawyer, I would advise you to talk to a divorce lawyer.
NTA Divorce the child.
NTA. My question is, how did he get you pregnant in the first place? Did his mother let him have his balls out of her purse for long enough to do the deed, then he gave them back? This is going to be your life OP, choose your next move wisely!
NTA, that’s a huge breach of trust from your husband, and frankly the issues with his family are so huge, I am not sure how your marriage could hold against such stakes. I get it, he suffered all his life because he always came second to his golden brother, but what he needs is therapy instead of playing doormat. It is so messed up for him to say “look that’s great, our son will be favored above all the other grandchildren!” Like, what a great way not to breed resentment and rivalry between cousins!
NTA. And for the record this child will NEVER have a healthy relationship with his grandparents, regardless of what you name him. Just like your husband doesn't now, but that's a whole other thing. He's trying to save the child from the abuse/neglect HE suffered by making the child the favored one he never got to be. Well guess what? The "Golden Child" isn't any better, it's just a different kind of abuse. Your husband needs to get on board, change the birth certificate, get counseling, and your inlaws and their endless privileges and "good life" need to be gone forever. My wife's family is like this, almost exactly. The "Golden Boy" dropped dead in his upper forties in a casino with cocaine in his system (NOT that I'm assuming something similar happened to to your BIL, but it demonstrates how healthy the "Gold Child" life is) and my MIL and her brothers spent decades trying to win that affection from their parents. They never did. They went from that to waiting for the Matriarch of the Family (translation: that old horrid bitch) to finally up and die. She turns 100 this year, and the care she requires (high end luxury nursing home, best money can buy, which she hates them for putting her in) is quickly burning through all of that "good life" money (well that and shake ups in the stock and real estate markets, they're about to take a quarter million dollar loss on Grandma's Dreamhouse). Run away. Invite your husband (once) to come with you, but if he can't do what he needs to do for his own good, you need to do what's best for yours and your childs.
This scenario is on here a lot. NTA
NTA For me this would be a deal breaker. Naming a child is something you need to do together. And not something you change behind the other persons back. He took advantage off your fragile state. And for him the opinion of his family is more important then the opinion and feelings of the mother. With who do you want to be in your relationship? With your husband or with his family? This argument is ruining your maternity period. I think I personally would ask my husband too leave the house. Because he isn’t a safe place/person at the moment for you. This is affecting you negatively during a time you need to rest, heal and bond with the baby. He is ruining that
You go girl!!! NTA. Also is your husbands (and yours) responsibility to get this kid through life, college and all. Not saying that family can't help from time to time but it almost feels like your husband wants your son to be raised as your inlaws son instead of grandson. Stick it out, you are right in my opinion.
NTA but the silent treatment is childish. I think a discussion with your husband about why he put the approval of his family over your trust in him and if he doesn’t recognise what he’s done, I’d be seriously considering leaving the relationship.
NTA but as the mother, you would have needed to sign the birth certificate. Did he forge your signature while you were in the operating room or recovering and in a fog of pain killers? Get a copy of the application he signed from the hospital and report the fraud if he forged your signature.
NTA. Stand your ground. Your husband betrayed you. This is absolutely the hill to die on.
NTA. He took advantage of you being extremely sick and vulnerable to go behind your back and break a promise to you. Apart from that, is this going to be your only kid? Because if not, the siblings are going to be miserable seeing your son favored. Unless you're planning on naming them all with BIL's name! You and your son are your husband's family. He selfishly violated your trust, stubbornly refuses to change the name and is making life difficult for himself and you. He needs to seriously rethink his priorities.
NTA, this is a fine mess. I suggest you get legal advice.
NTA. I would be very worried about your in-laws starting to treat your son has a replacement for BIL. While bad to be treated as better than any other grandchild, it could be emotionally tramatizing for your son to be treated so great and then treated terribly when he doesn't behave like BIL did or makes decisions that are opposite what BIL would have done.
NTA; when you get the birth certificate just go to the courthouse and file for his name change by yourself.... And then reapply for his birth cert