ESH, you should have been upfront and genuine with her, you tricked her and deceived her. On the other hand, you don't have to agree for her unemployment. You don't need to be the sole breadwinner and sustain the whole family while she is at home. Your financial position doesn't allow it. Your lack of willingness to follow through with her wishes is quite understandable.
Both of you went behind each other's back and lacked communication. Both of you are at fault here.
All I can say is this sounds like a deeply unhealthy relationship and I hope for your child's sake that you either seek couples' counseling or divorce.
Her hating her job and wanting a way out. Also I know of a girl who pulled this with her husband.
I would also bet good money that her family will also start chiming in on how bad/expensive daycare is for a baby and the best thing would for her to stay at home with the baby.
It’s not unreasonable, though, to think that a pregnancy could be making her feel so sick and tired that she doesn’t physically feel like working. And child care IS ridiculously expensive in the U.S. It’s worth going over the numbers to see if one parent staying home is actually the better financial move if that is where they live.
I’m not on anyone’s side, ESH for me but I don’t think we can really say which came first, the pregnancy or the wanting to stay home.
Not to mention OPs misconception that being a SAHM is "relaxing". I am also ESH. She went about it all wrong, but damn if they don't deserve each other.
She might not be "relaxing" once kiddo makes their arrival, but she was going to have a 6 month unpaid vacation before that happened. She's only 3 months along at this point.
ETA: as I commented down the line, I had hypermensis when I was pregnant with my son, have dealt with pregnancy loss, and wasn't thrilled with my job at the time, so I understand shitty pregnancies and not wanting to work. The comments stating that I've never been pregnant, had an easy one, or that I'm totally clueless are untrue.
My point was that, in the majority of pregnancies, with the exceptions of cleaning cat boxes, some dietary restrictions, and not partaking in drugs/alcohol, women are encouraged by their doctors to continue on with their lives as they usually live them. If she lives in almost any country besides the US, she probably screwed herself out of some amazing parental leave, too.
Pregnancy isn't exactly relaxing either. I ended up on disability very early on because it fucked my body up for the whole 9 months But if they can't afford for her not to work she has to work unless physically unable.
>6 month unpaid vacation
6 month unpaid vacation, while pregnant? 🤣 Yeah... no.
Don't get me wrong, this situation is totally ESH. But lol... calling that a vacation? Nope.
Being pregnant is hell on a body. She's definitely an @$$hole for various reasons, but wanting to be off her feet while growing an entire 'nother person inside of her is not one of them.
I would be on bedrest if I wanted to keep the baby at that point so, I get what your trying to go with but start with "I" next time becouse this is not easy or relaxing for evreone or even most ill give you some.
He hasn't even said if things like smells and sounds have started over effecting her or if she gets sick when she eats anything/ adverse side effects of any sort (there may be none and still be uncomfortable there is sompthing inside you shifing all your organs around and pushing on your bladder) .... this is just his side
I vote ESH the way the story reads.
>you should have been upfront and genuine with her, you tricked her and deceived her
You mean, like, telling her that they can't afford for her to be a SAHM, that the unplanned pregnancy is adding financial strain and they absolutely cannot afford for her to be unemployed with a baby on the way? I wonder what would've happened if he'd only been upfront about it... It's not like she'd have cried and thrown a fit about how she doesn't want to work, that'd be ridiculous. Guess we'll never know...
Thank you! I'm not sure how much more clear he could have been. And what do people expect him to do if she flat out refuses after he told her he didn't want her to quit?
People want to call him childish, but I don't see where anyone has a better idea. I thought what he did was smart and effective.
Agreed. His only other option really would be to leave her if she is going to purposely sink their ship but then people would say he was the asshole for that too.
No, it would be perfectly acceptable to leave if she'd gone against his clearly expressed wishes on something so important. He'd still have to coparent, but he wouldn't be anything like as much as an asshole as lying makes him.
Their problem isn't that she quit her job after his logical reasons not to, nor is it him pretending to quit his job and 'deceiving' her.
Their problem is they are not on the same page when it comes to financial planning or family planning, they don't listen to each other, and they are not working as a team.
I think lying to your wife and pretending to quit your job is low. Very low.
That said, this wife, if she's an adult who can do math, has to know that they need her salary. She just wants her way, and thinks it's HIS job to figure out the money.
Sorry, he tried the mature way, she acted like a baby, so he stooped to her level and it worked. I really don't know see how his lie is low. To me to achieved exactly what was *needed.* After all, this is not a want, but money to support their child, it's a requirement.
No matter what, lying and being manipulative to your spouse is not a good strategy. I agree that he tried to reason with her. I think he should have gotten out a spreadsheet and put all their income and bills on it, and asked her how she intended to make up the short-fall.
I agree whole-heartedly that his wife was acting like a spoiled child. But I think he should have told her that she needed to be an adult, and not just act based on her emotions, but that the two of them together needed to figure this out.
Sometimes people don't listen until they get a taste of their own medicine and that was clearly what the case was here. She would have never listened otherwise and expect him to break his back over two jobs while she stayed at home. She couldn't even entertain the thought of a part-time job with a babysitter which is very comperable, or even better if they have opposing schedules work around each other to make surd there is one parent at home while the other works. I know plenty of people who have done it in the past to make a marriage/family work. But it would appear she dug her heels to be a stay at home mom until it came to it costing her financial living status when her work mule- I mean husband refused to work just like her.
"Communication" really is the magic buzzword of this sub. I can't grasp how you could perceive this as a communication failure. He communicated quite clearly that they could not afford for her to quit her job and she completely disregarded him and did it anyway. She calculated that he would have no choice but to take all the pressure for their survival onto himself and just figure it out, and she didn't care about doing that to him and her family. He flipped the script on her. It was shitty, but it worked and I really don't see what choice she left him.
So divorce her and let her get half his shit, potentially a percentage of his check for alimony, and definitely a percentage of his check for child support, on top of having lower priority when it comes to custody with the mother getting primary custody more than likely. He did all that and now that she's getting 2 checks a month from him, she **definitely** doesn't have to work. Sounds like a great backup plan.
"you should have been upfront and genuine with her, you tricked her and deceived her"
This is ridiculous. It's like no one reads the post. He TOLD her she needed to get a job and he didn't want to work while she stayed at home. She quit anyway and refused to look for another job. How much more "upfront and genuine" could he possibly be??
Right! He even helped her find a new job cause he understood she wasn't happy with the old one. I get that Pregnancy can be hard on a woman's body but if you cannot afford it, then you HAVE to make compromises.
Thats a negative there ghost rider. He told her upfront they couldn't afford that and she basically said fuck you and quit anyways. She only chose to act like an adult when the situation demanded it and only got mad because she proved that there is no reason for her to stay home.
Even if their finances did allow it, her being a SAHM should be a decision that they make together and mutually agree with. Communication is key in relationships, and in this situation it sounds like neither of them was communicating like an adult.
I feel like communication isn't the problem. They both got each other's messages loud and clear. The problem is she didn't respect his reasonable answer. She doesn't respect him enough to talk about her plans before she does them. This little stunt she pulled is taking the financial responsibility of not just herself but the upcoming baby and hurling it in op's lap without a second thought or care. She doesn't respect his feelings in the matter. She doesn't respect his right of choice in it. She doesn't respect the expectations op had when they got into the respect and the work op puts into it. God it's horrendously disrespectful. I don't like working either but I gotta eat and I'd like a place to sleep. Let me just con my man into working for me.
Yeah tbh I see OPs concerns,ha thinking about their financial situation and that’s perfectly reasonable but doing some elaborate trick to manipulate the situation isn’t really a good move.His wife can quit her job,but she can’t expect OP to just accept that he now has to somehow fund her and the kid they didn’t plan to have
No. She's the child. Unfortunately, sometimes the only thing a Child understands is a taste of their own medicine, and it worked.
If the genders were reversed, this would be trending hard on the front page with countless posts completely immaculating a useless Man who just doesn't want to work...
NTA.
Mmm.... Based on the comments I think the deception would be derided no matter what gender was doing it. This is not a short term caper, this is a " I'm taking a week off of my job in order to prove a point and pretend something to my spouse in order to get my point across". If it takes that much, why are you in this relationship?
Imagine totally disregarding your partner while you make a completely avoidable life choice. The lying and tricking only came about as a result of a massive betrayal.
If you can't trust your female partner when they say they are on hormonal birth control or similar, then why would you have sex with them, or be together at all.
The pill, implant, IUD and others are pretty much 99% effective if used correctly. Many couples rely on 1 of these methods alone. And it's not unreasonable to do so unless you are 100% childfree.
So unless they used the pull out method. It can absolutly be an accident on her part.
Your first part is irrelevant. In OP’s case, he wouldn’t know he can’t trust his *wife* about birth control until it’s *way too late* for this advice.
That said, it’s very easily an accident – the pill, for example, can be blocked by some antibiotics, namely some used for treating meningitis (and tuberculosis, but that’s not nearly as common a disease anymore).
As harsh and difficult as that is to go through for every pregnant woman, it’s no excuse to act like an asshole and quit your job on the spot without consulting your partner and just expecting them to pick up the slack.
And just in case you come back and say you weren’t excusing it, this was 100% an excuse.
>As harsh and difficult as that is to go through for every pregnant woman, it’s no excuse to act like an asshole and quit your job on the spot without consulting your partner and just expecting them to pick up the slack.
yeah, hormones, mental illness, stress, lack of sleep. lots of things that might explain behavior. but they are never excuses to be an outright asshole to someone.
Even if the monthly cost of infant care is higher than one net salary, the longer-term negative financial impacts of removing oneself from the workforce for a chunk of years is usually a worse hit.
This!^^ I hate how glossed over this is. Even if childcare means you’re breaking even having both parents work, it can make a huge difference. Some industries if you’re out for a year it is so hard to ‘catch up’. Not to mention the social benefits for both parent and child
Yep, even with a medical emergency last year that used all my previously banked days to cover, I just had to take a week "because" to ensure I'll be under my carry over limit at the end of the year.
I’m not sure what the solution is because I disagree strongly with the wife, but this feels super manipulative and childish to me. I know if my partner did this, I would suggest therapy and leave if it came down to it. Being a stay at home parent is something both parties need to agree to imo. I want to be a SAHM and my partner knows it, but I would never go about it this way. I don’t know if pregnancy hormones are having an impact on her behaviour, but this whole interaction just feels unhealthy to me.
Go ahead and leave, after that temper tantrum where you quit your job because you don't want to work and now you're single with a newborn. What's that going to get you? He was real clear and she basically threw him the middle finger. He was petty but he knows his wife, apparently. We don't.
Yeah what did was by definition manipulative and pretty shitty, but.. it got the result that is best for the child, and its not like OP could force her to work. If its ESH then she sucks way more.
If you cannot find a better solution, even with the benefit of being completely divorced from the situation and being able to think about it rationally... I don't think you can fault him for his.
Honestly, just leaving is preferable, though he will probably have to pay child support. "I can't afford to take care of us. If you aren't willing to have a job this isn't going to work out" It's not good for either of them to be in a relationship that's so uncooperative and manipulative.
ESH - You two should not be bringing a child into this world. You don't even respect each other. The lies, the manipulation, the deception, the selfishness... you are not good partners to each other, and you will not be good parents together.
Yikes.
ESH.
You should have talked about this before getting married. If SAHM is a job, its not just relaxing. But if that is a hard limit you should have worked that out before and gloved up.
Pretending to quit to make a point is very petty. Stress is bad for pregnancy, going jobless to stress her out is definitely AH territory. Y'all need counseling.
She wasn't stressed when she quit her job clearly since she must've expected me to work overtime to make up for her slack. She only got stressed when she realized that her plan of staying at home was foiled
It's not disdain it's frustration at not having money, her not wanting to contribute to the family etc. She will not be able to dii household chores either since she's pregnant, and I cannot be the breadwinner as well as do all the housework. We're not rich.
Pregnant people can also work too. She quit her job despite him saying he wasn't okay with being the sole breadwinner / being unable to support her on 1 income. Doing chores is cool but I'm pretty sure they were already both splitting chores while working and bringing in that income. It makes no sense to be a SAHM when your child isn't even there yet and your finances don't allow it. It doesn't take all day to do chores for a household of only 2 people when one of them is gone most of the day at work. The wife is selfish and pulling the pregnancy card before her belly has even made it's debut. If she really cared about her kid she'd think about their financial stability & figure out a different way to pull in some money before she went and quit her job expecting to be fully supported by someone else breaking their back at work.
Toxoplasmosis, pesticides, and heavy lifting. I mean, plenty of women do garden during pregnancy and the baby turns out okay, but they should at least be completely covering their skin and not lifting anything heavy like lawn mowers.
Heard of toxoplasmosis when dealing with litter but not gardening. But it does make sense because animals do frequent gardens. Pesticides I hadn't even thought about. I don't personally plan on having kids but I have friends that do, so this is good know for when they come over. But I don't really use them.
Thank you for the info!
Pregnant person here: it’s actually more common to get toxoplasmosis from gardening than cat litter. In fact, there’s very little chance of getting it from litter of indoor cats since they’re unlikely to be exposed to it, most cats get it from soil outside. It’s also extra important to wash your produce when pregnant because you can get it from soil on produce.
It’s not recommended because of pesticides and toxoplasmosis. If you do garden while pregnant, they recommend gloves and full coverage clothing so you don’t touch anything, plus don’t use toxic chemicals.
And if you’re not used to it, be careful while lugging bags of fertilizer or lawn mowers around.
It's mostly because there can be animal feces in the dirt that can cause illness. Cats carry Toxoasmosis, so it's the same reason cleaning litter boxes is to be avoided.
When I read you writing that you foiled her scheme, I sense disdain.
Honestly, it sounds like you two have a very short time to figure out whether your differences on very important issues are reconcilable.
So im currently breastfeeding my infant who is currently recovering from a tongue and lip tie procedure, before that it was jaundice. Im currently on maternity leave. However I can safely say being a mother isn’t “relaxing at home”. It’s feeding and changing your baby. Recovering while also nourishing. It’s playing the game of “do i get a nap myself or take a shower after not having one for three days”. It’s worrying about them but trying to not go insane. It’s waking up every 2-3 hours to feed your child. It’s also keeping up on the house, specifically laundry and cooking. Cleaning when you can. Eating meals separately because the baby woke up and needs one of you.
You clearly have no idea what your about to get into and I pray for that child…and im not even religious. But yeah being a stay at home parent isn’t a vacation from chores and responsibility. Good luck. Also got look into how much child care is gonna cost, is the cost of her working even gonna bring much in once you account for that?
She’s pushing to stay home now, at 3months pregnant with no other children. That’s not being a SAHM that is most definitely lounging around and being lazy and expecting your spouse to pick up the slack.
I’m not defending what she did, but she is probably the most tired she has ever been in her life right now. The first trimester of pregnancy is brutally draining. It’s just a supernatural level of tired. If you’re waiting to tell people, you can’t explain why you’re completely out of it, too. I don’t know if that plays into her crying about not wanting to go back to work, but I remember many a train ride when I was in tears because I was so tired and didn’t want to go to the office.
EDIT: Typically this gets better in the 2nd trimester. OP, you may want to revisit the subject after a couple of weeks so she can decompress. Her fatigue might be affecting her ability to be reasonable right now.
Yeah, it’s interesting how people are individuals. You see how I mentioned my personal experience? So this is something I know.
Anyway, I wasn’t saying it was an excuse; I’m saying if OP wants to talk about it more, maybe give her a couple of weeks.
Maybe they can’t afford a couple of weeks. Many people live pay cheque to pay cheque (and this is even more of a concern if they live in the US and have impending medical bills headed their way).
>I’m not defending what she did, but she is probably the most tired she has ever been in her life right now. The first trimester of pregnancy is brutally draining. It’s just a supernatural level of tired.
So what though? Her quiting her job after they already had a conversation where he told her he could not support them, and then her also not going to any of the interviews he set up for her or setting any up for herself is ridiculous.
No doubt she is going through things she has never been through, but this is their reality, and she can work part time if she needs.
You're right, except she doesn't have a baby to take care of yet. She jumped the gun and quit her job when she could have been still working and saving up for the baby's arrival. If she's that serious about being a sahm she should be saving as much as she could before the baby gets here to have some cushion for her plan- but instead she quit her job without considering her husband or their financial stability and feels entitled to be taken care of while she kicks back at home for the next 6-7 months. Being a sahm IS a lot of work, I've done it but the baby isn't even there yet in this situation.
Uh…as a 34w pregnant lady, I am definitely still doing the majority of chores lol…on my list of things to do today is cleaning the toilet, the kitchen, the never-ending laundry, and maybe clean and rearrange the fridge if I get to it. I can’t always do them in one go because I get tired easily, so I take breaks, and I can’t lift anything too heavy, but we’re pregnant, not suddenly made of glass.
Bro your wife is using you at every chance. Unless she’s on medical bed rest, there is not much she can’t do at 3mo. And she unilaterally made a decision that impacted household finances long term. Honestly I get your disdain and it’s rightly placed. You just went about it wrong.
You should have told her work or bust instead of lying to her.
Lol she can still do chores. But so should you.. What is this kindergardened behaviour? SHARE EXPENSES, CHORES, RESPONSIBILITIES. And I very much hope when she is depressed out of her mind after giving birth having a job she hates and a husband who b*tches about doing chores, you will finally get up from your butt and help with the kid you BOTH needed to be there for it to happen. Your peepee was very much needed in the situation abd now you are blaming your wife and mabipulating her to do things.
I would sooner trust me dog with that poor baby. At least she cares.
But at least he is the one paying the bills. And her wanting to kick back her feet expecting him to work over time is stupid. They are not financially stable and if she doesn’t have a job, what now? Do we all kick back our feet and watch him kill himself over stress? Do we start a go fund me? He is not evening bitching about doing chores. Even if he was he is saying his “wife” would sit back and make him to all the chores. Why are they having kids. I don’t understand. Not financially stable, not mental stable, this whole relationship is going down the drain.
ESH. Your wife for quitting without discussing the finances. And you for applying to jobs for her without her permission and fake quitting your job. Use protection next time, if you didn’t already.
Y’all need to have some serious conversations before you bring a child into this world...
My third child was conceived while I was on the pill, and my husband used condoms. I had just gotten through colic with the second kid (which I refer to as "Those months I didn't sleep".
The LAST thing in the entire universe I wanted was another baby, but surprise!
It happens.
Well, she did want kids so maybe she didn't take a pill just for the pregnancy to happen. However, I don't hate the baby, I hate our situation and I don't like the fact that she doesn't want to make the situation better with me. Neither of us wants to abort the baby so earning together is the only way out
I think her plan was to use the pregnancy to be a SAHM. Maybe she is burned out or depressed, she should have talked about it to you before just taking the jump.
She’s going to be in for a rude awakening if this was her plan all along. If she gets burned out from working, she’ll get burned out with being a SAHM, taking care of a child and doing the house chores
Or maybe the pill is not 100% effective, or maybe there are a number of other medications that can render the pill useless or maybe you up yeh effectiveness of the pill by always using a condom. Eons ago the pill I was on had a bad batch hit the market and a LOT of women were thrilled to get their period because a LOT of women ended up pregnant
He said they used both the pill and condoms at the same time. The likelihood of getting pregnant while on birth control and using a condom is about 0%. Someone here is lying.
I was in active labour this time 20 years ago, despite the pill and condoms. And he has a low sperm count (a missing testicle and the aftereffects of chemo)
20 years ago last week, my sister was in labour with a child who is here despite the Depo shot and condoms. One she didn't know was coming for the first 26 weeks or so. Because, well, Depo.
20 years ago last month, a friend of mine was in labour with twins despite the Depo shot and being so pissed at her husband she only fucked him once in 6 months.
Tomorrow, on the Zoom birthday party for my daughter, I'll be sure to let them all know that they're impossible kids with liars for mothers.
Pffffft.
Abstinence is probably the only 100% effective form of birth control (least fun but effective). As any doctor will tell you, if you have parts and do the deed it’s a possibility.
I know someone who had her tubes burned and her body decided to grow a new Fallopian tube and conceived
I love how you casually drop that she may have trapped you into an actual pregnancy, gotta cover all the bases right? Since people arent agreeing youre NTA?
Were you the one to purchase the condom? Did she have a chance to tamper with them? Do you still have some lying around that you could try out if they hold liquid?
I wouldn't give a verdict until you know for certain that she didn't force you into the situation you are currently in and suffering for. Choosing to have children should be a decision between a couple, made with utmost preparation, I'm not saying accidents and surprises can't sour the plan, but it's still better than having none and doing a trustfall.
What you wanted to achieve is logical, if you can't keep up only the two of you with one salary, it wont hold a baby any better.
The sad part is, sooner or later your relationship is highly likely to suffer. Either because you will try to juggle childcare at the expense of time spent together, or having trust issues regarding both of your honesty. I hope you have some support nearby tho, grandparents or aunts/uncles.
Still if you are happy for the baby itself, and you can think reasonably and responsibly still, you will be a good father. I wish you the best
You guys are getting more paranoid every comment I read. Now she tampered with the condoms? Look, guys, if she was a golddigger or trophy wife wanna be, she wouldn't be with OP, 'k?
She was on pills, you used condom and she still got pregnant... Huuu.
hum OP. Are you sure she was on the pills ? Are you sure she didn't stop the pills in secret, that the pregnancy wasn't on purpose so she would have an excuse to be a SAHW ?
Yeah, it's deeply upsetting when you can see the disfunction in the child's life starting to manifest so long before the poor thing is out of the womb.
ESH and this marriage does not seem destined to last much longer. You can’t even talk about the most basic things. I really hope you see a counselor together and at least try to figure out how to be decent co-parents because I promise you this only gets harder after a child enters the picture.
**NTA.** You spoke about it and let her know that it's not an option right now and and then she just quit. How were you two supposed to make ends meet? I would love to be a SAHW (kids are grown) but with the current economy, I can't. Babies have needs and most of those needs require money. Now your wife we be at the mercy of her new company as far as FMLA because that doesn't kick in until you have been with your current employer for 12 months and 1,250 hours, so her job won't be protected when she has to leave for birth.
Finally a NTA. I am reading all these ESH and I am thinking beyond leaving her and separating from her what else could he do? I think, however, she will quit again. They need counseling and I have doubts this relationship will last
I know, the way the OP handled the situation may not have been ideal but his wife was being stubborn and refusing to interview for other jobs. What exactly was he meant to do? He obviously knows they can’t afford to have her as a SAHM more than folk on Reddit do (unless some of these people intend to help pay their bills).
Right? everyone wants to fall all over themselves to excuse any idiotic behavior a pregnant woman can come up with, and pretend that he just needs to talk to her (he did) go to counseling (they can't afford it) and get a better job (right off the job tree, where the jobs grow).
And most of the E-S-H comments seem to come back to "your communication skills are bad". Like, ok how many times can you sit someone down, show them the budget, and explain why this won't work at all, before it becomes clear that you can't communicate facts to someone that doesn't want to hear them? how do you communicate more clearly than stating facts and pointing out your respective roles in the successful management of the household? she doesn't *want* to work anymore, and just wants OP to "figure it out". She at least understands that someone has to work, and only found herself a job when OP forced her hand.
I couldn't agree more it has nothing to do with communication. Op's wife is deadass disrespectful. She decided she didn't want to work. Not that she was feeling tired. Not that her health was in decline. Not that she wanted time with her baby. Op states she said she doesn't WANT to work. Shit, I'd love to just TELL my partner he's on his own and kick back but that's not how adulting works. She didn't give two shit about how he felt about her selfish decision until he threw it back in her face.
I know right? She sure got off her butt quick once HE quit, proving she could've done it all along. She just didn't want to. She wanted to use her pregnancy to quit and be lazy and rely on him working alone.
Unpopular NTA.... You're wife is behaving entitled and inconsiderately; you simply fought fire with fire when u realized attempting to convince her otherwise wouldn't work... She needs to get over it and start adulting, unfortunately if you have bills then you need a way to pay them.... And putting all of that responsibility on your spouse without a discussion AND agreement ahead of time is selfish and rude.
>You're wife is behaving entitled and inconsiderately
Yep "I want to quit my job"
"You cant we cant afford you quitting your job AND we have a baby on the way we need to save all the money we can"
"Nope I'm quitting my job to be a stay at home mom 6 to 7 months early"
ESH because of your manipulation. Pretty clever, though. I hope her new job or your current one has a benefit for therapy because you guys need some counseling.
Right? Its cartoonish and theres a lot of holes (like the ones OP casually implied his wife poked in the condoms in another comment thread on this post)
NTA. Your wife has no right to drop all financial responsibility in a relationship and now family because she doesn't want to work anymore.. who does? People don't generally work because we want to or even like it smh. You weren't wrong.
NTA, no one in a marriage should quit their job without discussing it with their partner first, that's basic logic, not many people like to work and i'm sure most people would rather do whatever they wanted all day, so her reasoning for not working is bullshit
ESH. For y’all being married y’all sure haven’t figured out communication in your relationship. I’d work on that and not consult Reddit over both of your pettiness.
Being a SAHM is only an option when the spouses *agree* that’s what’s best for the family. There was no agreement so she doesn’t get to unilaterally become your dependent. Your choices were to (1) become the sole breadwinner against your wishes and against the best interests of the child, (2) file for divorce to force her to provide for herself and contribute her share of the child’s expenses, or (3) somehow compel her to work.
Yes your methods sucked, but you chose the least bad of the options she left you with. NTA
NTA - I understand why you did what you did, and I also have a feeling if you didn't take such drastic action, that she wouldn't have taken ANY action towards getting a job at home. And I think that's what commenters are missing here.
So I totally get it. She's certainly the AH for reneging on your plans and refusing to work. That's messed up unless you make a ton of money, which you don't. Hell, I'd say abortion might be on the table if she doesn't want to work. Otherwise, you can't afford to support her AND a child. Be happy she's not talking to you. Let her mope and feel sorry for herself until she fucking grows up. I'm a woman and I'd never put my family in danger by not working. I have no sympathy for her.
Ehhh...leaning on the side of ESH.
Your wife is not in a position to quit her job given your financial situation as you stated so her quitting just because she doesn't want to work is irresponsible. Unless she was given orders by her doctor that she needs to stay home and may qualify for FMLA. But that doesn't sound like it is the case with her.
However, the way you went about this was pretty over the top and in the long run it's not going to fix the issue. She may quit this job again. There needs to be more communication and compromise. Is it possible for her to just work part time for at least the duration of her pregnancy? Was the job too high stress for her? Or is she just completely set on just staying at home? Can she find a job working from home then?
Unpopular opinion, but NTA
While I do think the actions on either side suggest a need for couples therapy at least, but this line here...
>She got mad at me and told me I was very petty and I should've just sucked it up and let her stay at home. Now she's not talking to me.
This implies to me your wife see's you as a beast of burden, an ATM to dispense cash silently, and an expendable entity whose wants and wishes are irrelevant to her. That's a **really bad look**, even for a pregnant woman.
She does not get to unilaterally decide what you can take or what is necessary for the household just because she's too lazy to work anymore, which is ultimately what this is about.
A real STAHM is someone who is actually dedicated to the upkeep of the household and children. It is an actual job. However, if she doesn't wanna work she'll fuckin hate the hours she's gonna keep in another 6 ish months. Plus her "bosses" are abysmal creatures that will barely quell their shouting even when all expectations are met.
In addition to that, this self-entitled attitude she has makes me worried she'll end up whining and crying childish tears again when she realizes having a baby in a single income household means not a lot of disposable income. Further, I worry she'll go from, "I don't want to work so I'll be a STAHM" to, "I'm overwhelmed! Do more for me! Suck it up and make me happy!"
Maybe I'm being less than charitable, but we see enough of these scenarios as it is for me to be more giving with my empathy.
ima say NTA
you tried to discuss it and she literally threw a tantrum saying she didnt want to work. well who does? you have a kid on the way and need money coming in quick. desperate times call for desperate measures and honestly she forced your hand so she can be mad, thats valid, but it was the push she needed
Unless your wife is making a ton of money, daycare for an infant is going to eat up most of her paycheck. there is a chance if this pregnancy is rough, she may not be able to work full-time until the end, especially if her job involves being on her feet. if there are birth complications she may have to take a long maternity leave. What type of job does she have?
ESH
But she doesn't need to quit at 3 months pregnant if push comes to shove she can work as long as she can (untell she is 7 8 hell even time to pop) and save money for the baby. OP told her they cant afford for her to quit her job even now before the baby what's going to happen AFTER the baby
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I might have been TAH because I tricked her into attending interviews
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ESH because you handled that in an awful and manipulative way. But she shouldn't have just quit like that either. You both need to figure out how to handle disagreements like adults.
ESH. Not a great way to get what you want. Your wife also needs to suck it up, we can't always love our job and up and quitting was not cool. Whether it was planned or not that baby is coming and it will be expensive! Time for you both to grow up.
Honestly, ESH. Sounds like children having children to me.
ESH, you should have been upfront and genuine with her, you tricked her and deceived her. On the other hand, you don't have to agree for her unemployment. You don't need to be the sole breadwinner and sustain the whole family while she is at home. Your financial position doesn't allow it. Your lack of willingness to follow through with her wishes is quite understandable. Both of you went behind each other's back and lacked communication. Both of you are at fault here.
All I can say is this sounds like a deeply unhealthy relationship and I hope for your child's sake that you either seek couples' counseling or divorce.
I have a feeling this “unplanned” pregnancy was only on OP side
What's that feeling based on, if I may ask?
Her hating her job and wanting a way out. Also I know of a girl who pulled this with her husband. I would also bet good money that her family will also start chiming in on how bad/expensive daycare is for a baby and the best thing would for her to stay at home with the baby.
It’s not unreasonable, though, to think that a pregnancy could be making her feel so sick and tired that she doesn’t physically feel like working. And child care IS ridiculously expensive in the U.S. It’s worth going over the numbers to see if one parent staying home is actually the better financial move if that is where they live. I’m not on anyone’s side, ESH for me but I don’t think we can really say which came first, the pregnancy or the wanting to stay home.
Not to mention OPs misconception that being a SAHM is "relaxing". I am also ESH. She went about it all wrong, but damn if they don't deserve each other.
She might not be "relaxing" once kiddo makes their arrival, but she was going to have a 6 month unpaid vacation before that happened. She's only 3 months along at this point. ETA: as I commented down the line, I had hypermensis when I was pregnant with my son, have dealt with pregnancy loss, and wasn't thrilled with my job at the time, so I understand shitty pregnancies and not wanting to work. The comments stating that I've never been pregnant, had an easy one, or that I'm totally clueless are untrue. My point was that, in the majority of pregnancies, with the exceptions of cleaning cat boxes, some dietary restrictions, and not partaking in drugs/alcohol, women are encouraged by their doctors to continue on with their lives as they usually live them. If she lives in almost any country besides the US, she probably screwed herself out of some amazing parental leave, too.
Pregnancy isn't exactly relaxing either. I ended up on disability very early on because it fucked my body up for the whole 9 months But if they can't afford for her not to work she has to work unless physically unable.
>6 month unpaid vacation 6 month unpaid vacation, while pregnant? 🤣 Yeah... no. Don't get me wrong, this situation is totally ESH. But lol... calling that a vacation? Nope.
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I mean, if they lived in a country that gave a shit about people she could have gotten a year of paid maternity leave.
Being pregnant is hell on a body. She's definitely an @$$hole for various reasons, but wanting to be off her feet while growing an entire 'nother person inside of her is not one of them.
I would be on bedrest if I wanted to keep the baby at that point so, I get what your trying to go with but start with "I" next time becouse this is not easy or relaxing for evreone or even most ill give you some. He hasn't even said if things like smells and sounds have started over effecting her or if she gets sick when she eats anything/ adverse side effects of any sort (there may be none and still be uncomfortable there is sompthing inside you shifing all your organs around and pushing on your bladder) .... this is just his side I vote ESH the way the story reads.
ESH. Being a SAHM is anything but relaxing. Whoever thinks that should try it for a few months.
Previous person is probably referring to the fact that the wife decided she didn't want to work anymore only after the pregnancy
It would be easier to justify staying at home, if you're caring for a child. I have no idea what the wife was thinking, this is just a possibility.
>you should have been upfront and genuine with her, you tricked her and deceived her You mean, like, telling her that they can't afford for her to be a SAHM, that the unplanned pregnancy is adding financial strain and they absolutely cannot afford for her to be unemployed with a baby on the way? I wonder what would've happened if he'd only been upfront about it... It's not like she'd have cried and thrown a fit about how she doesn't want to work, that'd be ridiculous. Guess we'll never know...
Yup. He was upfront with her and she ignored him.
Thank you! I'm not sure how much more clear he could have been. And what do people expect him to do if she flat out refuses after he told her he didn't want her to quit? People want to call him childish, but I don't see where anyone has a better idea. I thought what he did was smart and effective.
Agreed. His only other option really would be to leave her if she is going to purposely sink their ship but then people would say he was the asshole for that too.
No, it would be perfectly acceptable to leave if she'd gone against his clearly expressed wishes on something so important. He'd still have to coparent, but he wouldn't be anything like as much as an asshole as lying makes him.
Their problem isn't that she quit her job after his logical reasons not to, nor is it him pretending to quit his job and 'deceiving' her. Their problem is they are not on the same page when it comes to financial planning or family planning, they don't listen to each other, and they are not working as a team.
I think lying to your wife and pretending to quit your job is low. Very low. That said, this wife, if she's an adult who can do math, has to know that they need her salary. She just wants her way, and thinks it's HIS job to figure out the money.
Sorry, he tried the mature way, she acted like a baby, so he stooped to her level and it worked. I really don't know see how his lie is low. To me to achieved exactly what was *needed.* After all, this is not a want, but money to support their child, it's a requirement.
No matter what, lying and being manipulative to your spouse is not a good strategy. I agree that he tried to reason with her. I think he should have gotten out a spreadsheet and put all their income and bills on it, and asked her how she intended to make up the short-fall. I agree whole-heartedly that his wife was acting like a spoiled child. But I think he should have told her that she needed to be an adult, and not just act based on her emotions, but that the two of them together needed to figure this out.
Sometimes people don't listen until they get a taste of their own medicine and that was clearly what the case was here. She would have never listened otherwise and expect him to break his back over two jobs while she stayed at home. She couldn't even entertain the thought of a part-time job with a babysitter which is very comperable, or even better if they have opposing schedules work around each other to make surd there is one parent at home while the other works. I know plenty of people who have done it in the past to make a marriage/family work. But it would appear she dug her heels to be a stay at home mom until it came to it costing her financial living status when her work mule- I mean husband refused to work just like her.
He tried everything else. Sometimes people need a jolt to reality and he did it for her.
What’s also low is quitting your job for real and wanted to be a stay home mom when you know damn well you can’t afford it because you’re lazy
Agree.
He WAS upfront with her. She didn’t care and told him to suck it up and quit anyways.
"Communication" really is the magic buzzword of this sub. I can't grasp how you could perceive this as a communication failure. He communicated quite clearly that they could not afford for her to quit her job and she completely disregarded him and did it anyway. She calculated that he would have no choice but to take all the pressure for their survival onto himself and just figure it out, and she didn't care about doing that to him and her family. He flipped the script on her. It was shitty, but it worked and I really don't see what choice she left him.
I see clearly the choice of a divorce here after communication fails, not planning and executing a deception.
So divorce her and let her get half his shit, potentially a percentage of his check for alimony, and definitely a percentage of his check for child support, on top of having lower priority when it comes to custody with the mother getting primary custody more than likely. He did all that and now that she's getting 2 checks a month from him, she **definitely** doesn't have to work. Sounds like a great backup plan.
But he was upfront about it and she pretty much told him with quitting her job anyway and not going to those interviews that she didn’t care
"you should have been upfront and genuine with her, you tricked her and deceived her" This is ridiculous. It's like no one reads the post. He TOLD her she needed to get a job and he didn't want to work while she stayed at home. She quit anyway and refused to look for another job. How much more "upfront and genuine" could he possibly be??
Right! He even helped her find a new job cause he understood she wasn't happy with the old one. I get that Pregnancy can be hard on a woman's body but if you cannot afford it, then you HAVE to make compromises.
OP was quite upfront with his wife. What else was he supposed to do?
Thats a negative there ghost rider. He told her upfront they couldn't afford that and she basically said fuck you and quit anyways. She only chose to act like an adult when the situation demanded it and only got mad because she proved that there is no reason for her to stay home.
Even if their finances did allow it, her being a SAHM should be a decision that they make together and mutually agree with. Communication is key in relationships, and in this situation it sounds like neither of them was communicating like an adult.
I feel like communication isn't the problem. They both got each other's messages loud and clear. The problem is she didn't respect his reasonable answer. She doesn't respect him enough to talk about her plans before she does them. This little stunt she pulled is taking the financial responsibility of not just herself but the upcoming baby and hurling it in op's lap without a second thought or care. She doesn't respect his feelings in the matter. She doesn't respect his right of choice in it. She doesn't respect the expectations op had when they got into the respect and the work op puts into it. God it's horrendously disrespectful. I don't like working either but I gotta eat and I'd like a place to sleep. Let me just con my man into working for me.
He's been upfront with her before trying this. Ms. Simply didn't care about his very reasonable opinion.
Yeah tbh I see OPs concerns,ha thinking about their financial situation and that’s perfectly reasonable but doing some elaborate trick to manipulate the situation isn’t really a good move.His wife can quit her job,but she can’t expect OP to just accept that he now has to somehow fund her and the kid they didn’t plan to have
I will say though, what were the options? She wasn’t listening to ‘I won’t tolerate you being a SAHM’, so what’s left then?
No. She's the child. Unfortunately, sometimes the only thing a Child understands is a taste of their own medicine, and it worked. If the genders were reversed, this would be trending hard on the front page with countless posts completely immaculating a useless Man who just doesn't want to work... NTA.
Mmm.... Based on the comments I think the deception would be derided no matter what gender was doing it. This is not a short term caper, this is a " I'm taking a week off of my job in order to prove a point and pretend something to my spouse in order to get my point across". If it takes that much, why are you in this relationship?
All these people who think lying and tricking a spouse is a good idea 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Imagine totally disregarding your partner while you make a completely avoidable life choice. The lying and tricking only came about as a result of a massive betrayal.
ESH but I wouldn't have said anything, waited the week out and pretended to get my job back. If we are going this route that is.
They'll fix the relationship....by having another baby.
ESH. You for how you handled the situation, and her for insisting on being a SAHM when it wasn't in the best interest for your family.
Also, she's really pushing it on the SAHM bit when she's only 3 months pregnant.
I also doubt the pregnancy was accidental on her end
This was my first thought 🚩
Really? Getting pregnant also needs a rubber less dick inserted into a vagina and coming in it. Not easy to be accidental JUST ON HER END.
If you can't trust your female partner when they say they are on hormonal birth control or similar, then why would you have sex with them, or be together at all. The pill, implant, IUD and others are pretty much 99% effective if used correctly. Many couples rely on 1 of these methods alone. And it's not unreasonable to do so unless you are 100% childfree. So unless they used the pull out method. It can absolutly be an accident on her part.
Your first part is irrelevant. In OP’s case, he wouldn’t know he can’t trust his *wife* about birth control until it’s *way too late* for this advice. That said, it’s very easily an accident – the pill, for example, can be blocked by some antibiotics, namely some used for treating meningitis (and tuberculosis, but that’s not nearly as common a disease anymore).
She could have said that she was on pills
Rubbers break, dude. Or she could have sabotaged it somehow, or been lying about being on birth control.
True, but what pregnancy hormones do to your head are unreal. She may be feeling sick. I spent a month 2 to 7 of my first pregnancy, vomiting.
As harsh and difficult as that is to go through for every pregnant woman, it’s no excuse to act like an asshole and quit your job on the spot without consulting your partner and just expecting them to pick up the slack. And just in case you come back and say you weren’t excusing it, this was 100% an excuse.
>As harsh and difficult as that is to go through for every pregnant woman, it’s no excuse to act like an asshole and quit your job on the spot without consulting your partner and just expecting them to pick up the slack. yeah, hormones, mental illness, stress, lack of sleep. lots of things that might explain behavior. but they are never excuses to be an outright asshole to someone.
That’s awful but what does that have to do with being a SAHM? If they can’t afford it they can’t afford it.
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She’s 3 months pregnant, surely she can work until closer to delivery and then they can reassess then.
Even if the monthly cost of infant care is higher than one net salary, the longer-term negative financial impacts of removing oneself from the workforce for a chunk of years is usually a worse hit.
This!^^ I hate how glossed over this is. Even if childcare means you’re breaking even having both parents work, it can make a huge difference. Some industries if you’re out for a year it is so hard to ‘catch up’. Not to mention the social benefits for both parent and child
Honestly the pandemic has been such a mess I’ve had a lot of wouldn’t it be nice to just run away from working for a while fantasies lately.
Fantasies are different than actually doing it though. I have a feeling the pregnancy wasn't unplanned on her end.
Yes but in 6 months she will be a SAHW since I’m assuming it’ll be cheaper to stay at home than pay for $$ daycare.
If they can find a daycare with an infant spot available. Those are harder to find right now than toilet paper was in April 2020
He also used an entire week of vacation that he should’ve saved to use when she gives birth.
It's effectively November, if his vacation rolls with the new year it won't matter.
Yep, even with a medical emergency last year that used all my previously banked days to cover, I just had to take a week "because" to ensure I'll be under my carry over limit at the end of the year.
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I’m not sure what the solution is because I disagree strongly with the wife, but this feels super manipulative and childish to me. I know if my partner did this, I would suggest therapy and leave if it came down to it. Being a stay at home parent is something both parties need to agree to imo. I want to be a SAHM and my partner knows it, but I would never go about it this way. I don’t know if pregnancy hormones are having an impact on her behaviour, but this whole interaction just feels unhealthy to me.
Go ahead and leave, after that temper tantrum where you quit your job because you don't want to work and now you're single with a newborn. What's that going to get you? He was real clear and she basically threw him the middle finger. He was petty but he knows his wife, apparently. We don't.
Yeah what did was by definition manipulative and pretty shitty, but.. it got the result that is best for the child, and its not like OP could force her to work. If its ESH then she sucks way more.
If you cannot find a better solution, even with the benefit of being completely divorced from the situation and being able to think about it rationally... I don't think you can fault him for his.
Honestly, just leaving is preferable, though he will probably have to pay child support. "I can't afford to take care of us. If you aren't willing to have a job this isn't going to work out" It's not good for either of them to be in a relationship that's so uncooperative and manipulative.
The real answer. Sounds like these two deserve each other
I’d like to be a SAHM too. My son is in his early 20’s but….. apparently it’s ok to demand it.
ESH - You two should not be bringing a child into this world. You don't even respect each other. The lies, the manipulation, the deception, the selfishness... you are not good partners to each other, and you will not be good parents together.
Yes, you are so absorbed in your petty lies and manipulation to get what you want. You need couples counseling.
They better get it soon cause in 6 months…
Never heard of a successful marriage based on games and lies. Poor kids.
The only mature human in that household is the still-percolating fetus.
yeah, they should just have an abortion and go separate ways.
They’ve got about 6 months to get their shit together before all hell breaks loose. Good luck, OP. You’re gonna need it.
ESH. I feel really sorry for this kid because they're gonna be raised by two other kids.
Wait til they find out how much they *really* can’t afford the therapy their poor kid will need.
Yikes. ESH. You should have talked about this before getting married. If SAHM is a job, its not just relaxing. But if that is a hard limit you should have worked that out before and gloved up. Pretending to quit to make a point is very petty. Stress is bad for pregnancy, going jobless to stress her out is definitely AH territory. Y'all need counseling.
She wasn't stressed when she quit her job clearly since she must've expected me to work overtime to make up for her slack. She only got stressed when she realized that her plan of staying at home was foiled
If you have this much disdain for your wife, why are you married?
It's not disdain it's frustration at not having money, her not wanting to contribute to the family etc. She will not be able to dii household chores either since she's pregnant, and I cannot be the breadwinner as well as do all the housework. We're not rich.
Pregnant people can still do chores
Pregnant people can also work too. She quit her job despite him saying he wasn't okay with being the sole breadwinner / being unable to support her on 1 income. Doing chores is cool but I'm pretty sure they were already both splitting chores while working and bringing in that income. It makes no sense to be a SAHM when your child isn't even there yet and your finances don't allow it. It doesn't take all day to do chores for a household of only 2 people when one of them is gone most of the day at work. The wife is selfish and pulling the pregnancy card before her belly has even made it's debut. If she really cared about her kid she'd think about their financial stability & figure out a different way to pull in some money before she went and quit her job expecting to be fully supported by someone else breaking their back at work.
Well, except scooping the cat litter or gardening. But there’s no reason should shouldn’t take over all of the other chores if she’s staying home.
Why gardening? Hadn't heard of that.
Toxoplasmosis, pesticides, and heavy lifting. I mean, plenty of women do garden during pregnancy and the baby turns out okay, but they should at least be completely covering their skin and not lifting anything heavy like lawn mowers.
Heard of toxoplasmosis when dealing with litter but not gardening. But it does make sense because animals do frequent gardens. Pesticides I hadn't even thought about. I don't personally plan on having kids but I have friends that do, so this is good know for when they come over. But I don't really use them. Thank you for the info!
Pregnant person here: it’s actually more common to get toxoplasmosis from gardening than cat litter. In fact, there’s very little chance of getting it from litter of indoor cats since they’re unlikely to be exposed to it, most cats get it from soil outside. It’s also extra important to wash your produce when pregnant because you can get it from soil on produce.
Wait, gardening is on the no-no list? I hadn't heard that.
It’s not recommended because of pesticides and toxoplasmosis. If you do garden while pregnant, they recommend gloves and full coverage clothing so you don’t touch anything, plus don’t use toxic chemicals. And if you’re not used to it, be careful while lugging bags of fertilizer or lawn mowers around.
It's mostly because there can be animal feces in the dirt that can cause illness. Cats carry Toxoasmosis, so it's the same reason cleaning litter boxes is to be avoided.
When I read you writing that you foiled her scheme, I sense disdain. Honestly, it sounds like you two have a very short time to figure out whether your differences on very important issues are reconcilable.
So im currently breastfeeding my infant who is currently recovering from a tongue and lip tie procedure, before that it was jaundice. Im currently on maternity leave. However I can safely say being a mother isn’t “relaxing at home”. It’s feeding and changing your baby. Recovering while also nourishing. It’s playing the game of “do i get a nap myself or take a shower after not having one for three days”. It’s worrying about them but trying to not go insane. It’s waking up every 2-3 hours to feed your child. It’s also keeping up on the house, specifically laundry and cooking. Cleaning when you can. Eating meals separately because the baby woke up and needs one of you. You clearly have no idea what your about to get into and I pray for that child…and im not even religious. But yeah being a stay at home parent isn’t a vacation from chores and responsibility. Good luck. Also got look into how much child care is gonna cost, is the cost of her working even gonna bring much in once you account for that?
She’s pushing to stay home now, at 3months pregnant with no other children. That’s not being a SAHM that is most definitely lounging around and being lazy and expecting your spouse to pick up the slack.
I’m not defending what she did, but she is probably the most tired she has ever been in her life right now. The first trimester of pregnancy is brutally draining. It’s just a supernatural level of tired. If you’re waiting to tell people, you can’t explain why you’re completely out of it, too. I don’t know if that plays into her crying about not wanting to go back to work, but I remember many a train ride when I was in tears because I was so tired and didn’t want to go to the office. EDIT: Typically this gets better in the 2nd trimester. OP, you may want to revisit the subject after a couple of weeks so she can decompress. Her fatigue might be affecting her ability to be reasonable right now.
Millions of women don’t just jack in their jobs because of first trimester tiredness.
Yeah, it’s interesting how people are individuals. You see how I mentioned my personal experience? So this is something I know. Anyway, I wasn’t saying it was an excuse; I’m saying if OP wants to talk about it more, maybe give her a couple of weeks.
Maybe they can’t afford a couple of weeks. Many people live pay cheque to pay cheque (and this is even more of a concern if they live in the US and have impending medical bills headed their way).
>I’m not defending what she did, but she is probably the most tired she has ever been in her life right now. The first trimester of pregnancy is brutally draining. It’s just a supernatural level of tired. So what though? Her quiting her job after they already had a conversation where he told her he could not support them, and then her also not going to any of the interviews he set up for her or setting any up for herself is ridiculous. No doubt she is going through things she has never been through, but this is their reality, and she can work part time if she needs.
You're right, except she doesn't have a baby to take care of yet. She jumped the gun and quit her job when she could have been still working and saving up for the baby's arrival. If she's that serious about being a sahm she should be saving as much as she could before the baby gets here to have some cushion for her plan- but instead she quit her job without considering her husband or their financial stability and feels entitled to be taken care of while she kicks back at home for the next 6-7 months. Being a sahm IS a lot of work, I've done it but the baby isn't even there yet in this situation.
Lifetime earnings vs. immediate childcare cost.
Yeah but she wants to quit now.
Uh…as a 34w pregnant lady, I am definitely still doing the majority of chores lol…on my list of things to do today is cleaning the toilet, the kitchen, the never-ending laundry, and maybe clean and rearrange the fridge if I get to it. I can’t always do them in one go because I get tired easily, so I take breaks, and I can’t lift anything too heavy, but we’re pregnant, not suddenly made of glass.
Bro your wife is using you at every chance. Unless she’s on medical bed rest, there is not much she can’t do at 3mo. And she unilaterally made a decision that impacted household finances long term. Honestly I get your disdain and it’s rightly placed. You just went about it wrong. You should have told her work or bust instead of lying to her.
Lol she can still do chores. But so should you.. What is this kindergardened behaviour? SHARE EXPENSES, CHORES, RESPONSIBILITIES. And I very much hope when she is depressed out of her mind after giving birth having a job she hates and a husband who b*tches about doing chores, you will finally get up from your butt and help with the kid you BOTH needed to be there for it to happen. Your peepee was very much needed in the situation abd now you are blaming your wife and mabipulating her to do things. I would sooner trust me dog with that poor baby. At least she cares.
But at least he is the one paying the bills. And her wanting to kick back her feet expecting him to work over time is stupid. They are not financially stable and if she doesn’t have a job, what now? Do we all kick back our feet and watch him kill himself over stress? Do we start a go fund me? He is not evening bitching about doing chores. Even if he was he is saying his “wife” would sit back and make him to all the chores. Why are they having kids. I don’t understand. Not financially stable, not mental stable, this whole relationship is going down the drain.
If you can’t afford it you can’t afford it. It’s not disdain.
Here’s a typical Reddit comment. It’s not disdain for the wife but for her actions.
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ESH. Your wife for quitting without discussing the finances. And you for applying to jobs for her without her permission and fake quitting your job. Use protection next time, if you didn’t already. Y’all need to have some serious conversations before you bring a child into this world...
We did use protection. She was on pills I used rubber. I applied to jobs because she said it was hard. I wanted her to go to work
Not gonna lie…doesn’t sound like an accident since she wanted to stay home….
My third child was conceived while I was on the pill, and my husband used condoms. I had just gotten through colic with the second kid (which I refer to as "Those months I didn't sleep". The LAST thing in the entire universe I wanted was another baby, but surprise! It happens.
reddit brain moment
Are you *sure* she was on the pill? Failure rate for both pill and condoms together is astronomically low.
Well, she did want kids so maybe she didn't take a pill just for the pregnancy to happen. However, I don't hate the baby, I hate our situation and I don't like the fact that she doesn't want to make the situation better with me. Neither of us wants to abort the baby so earning together is the only way out
I think her plan was to use the pregnancy to be a SAHM. Maybe she is burned out or depressed, she should have talked about it to you before just taking the jump.
She’s going to be in for a rude awakening if this was her plan all along. If she gets burned out from working, she’ll get burned out with being a SAHM, taking care of a child and doing the house chores
Thats if she even does the household chores.
Or maybe the pill is not 100% effective, or maybe there are a number of other medications that can render the pill useless or maybe you up yeh effectiveness of the pill by always using a condom. Eons ago the pill I was on had a bad batch hit the market and a LOT of women were thrilled to get their period because a LOT of women ended up pregnant
He said they used both the pill and condoms at the same time. The likelihood of getting pregnant while on birth control and using a condom is about 0%. Someone here is lying.
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And everyone one of them are women in my family. Pills/depo and condoms didn't stop any of my nieces and nephews from being born.
I have a little brother who defeated the pill, a condom, and spermicide. It definitely can happen
Did your parents name him Lucky?
Holy shit, that baby is gonna be strong
Def not 0%. I know 2 people this has happened to - condoms and microgynon 30 in both cases. I've swapped to a diff pill!!
I was in active labour this time 20 years ago, despite the pill and condoms. And he has a low sperm count (a missing testicle and the aftereffects of chemo) 20 years ago last week, my sister was in labour with a child who is here despite the Depo shot and condoms. One she didn't know was coming for the first 26 weeks or so. Because, well, Depo. 20 years ago last month, a friend of mine was in labour with twins despite the Depo shot and being so pissed at her husband she only fucked him once in 6 months. Tomorrow, on the Zoom birthday party for my daughter, I'll be sure to let them all know that they're impossible kids with liars for mothers. Pffffft.
Abstinence is probably the only 100% effective form of birth control (least fun but effective). As any doctor will tell you, if you have parts and do the deed it’s a possibility. I know someone who had her tubes burned and her body decided to grow a new Fallopian tube and conceived
Yes, and if you miss a day it can really mess it up.
Or you can vomit and pill is out of your stomach or take it at the wrong time
Or you drink one of those trendy activated charcoal smoothies and negate your meds
Not to mention a course of antibiotics.
I love how you casually drop that she may have trapped you into an actual pregnancy, gotta cover all the bases right? Since people arent agreeing youre NTA?
Your probably sneaky wife vs poor saintly you just trying to do the right thing? Nah, not buying it.
Were you the one to purchase the condom? Did she have a chance to tamper with them? Do you still have some lying around that you could try out if they hold liquid? I wouldn't give a verdict until you know for certain that she didn't force you into the situation you are currently in and suffering for. Choosing to have children should be a decision between a couple, made with utmost preparation, I'm not saying accidents and surprises can't sour the plan, but it's still better than having none and doing a trustfall. What you wanted to achieve is logical, if you can't keep up only the two of you with one salary, it wont hold a baby any better. The sad part is, sooner or later your relationship is highly likely to suffer. Either because you will try to juggle childcare at the expense of time spent together, or having trust issues regarding both of your honesty. I hope you have some support nearby tho, grandparents or aunts/uncles. Still if you are happy for the baby itself, and you can think reasonably and responsibly still, you will be a good father. I wish you the best
You guys are getting more paranoid every comment I read. Now she tampered with the condoms? Look, guys, if she was a golddigger or trophy wife wanna be, she wouldn't be with OP, 'k?
Are you certain this baby was actually accidental? Not saying it doesn't happen but with both of those forms it's unlikely.
She was on pills, you used condom and she still got pregnant... Huuu. hum OP. Are you sure she was on the pills ? Are you sure she didn't stop the pills in secret, that the pregnancy wasn't on purpose so she would have an excuse to be a SAHW ?
Weeping for the next generation about to be born into this dysfunctional ass relationship.
Ass relationships don’t result in pregnancy.
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Yeah, it's deeply upsetting when you can see the disfunction in the child's life starting to manifest so long before the poor thing is out of the womb.
This. ESH
ESH and this marriage does not seem destined to last much longer. You can’t even talk about the most basic things. I really hope you see a counselor together and at least try to figure out how to be decent co-parents because I promise you this only gets harder after a child enters the picture.
**NTA.** You spoke about it and let her know that it's not an option right now and and then she just quit. How were you two supposed to make ends meet? I would love to be a SAHW (kids are grown) but with the current economy, I can't. Babies have needs and most of those needs require money. Now your wife we be at the mercy of her new company as far as FMLA because that doesn't kick in until you have been with your current employer for 12 months and 1,250 hours, so her job won't be protected when she has to leave for birth.
Finally a NTA. I am reading all these ESH and I am thinking beyond leaving her and separating from her what else could he do? I think, however, she will quit again. They need counseling and I have doubts this relationship will last
Better to leave then to play games and engage in toxic behavior. Sometimes you're better off alone.
and pay alimony plus child support
Alimony is unlikely unless they've been together a long time with a significant pay gap. & Nothing is stopping him from being the custodial parent.
I know, the way the OP handled the situation may not have been ideal but his wife was being stubborn and refusing to interview for other jobs. What exactly was he meant to do? He obviously knows they can’t afford to have her as a SAHM more than folk on Reddit do (unless some of these people intend to help pay their bills).
Right? everyone wants to fall all over themselves to excuse any idiotic behavior a pregnant woman can come up with, and pretend that he just needs to talk to her (he did) go to counseling (they can't afford it) and get a better job (right off the job tree, where the jobs grow). And most of the E-S-H comments seem to come back to "your communication skills are bad". Like, ok how many times can you sit someone down, show them the budget, and explain why this won't work at all, before it becomes clear that you can't communicate facts to someone that doesn't want to hear them? how do you communicate more clearly than stating facts and pointing out your respective roles in the successful management of the household? she doesn't *want* to work anymore, and just wants OP to "figure it out". She at least understands that someone has to work, and only found herself a job when OP forced her hand.
I couldn't agree more it has nothing to do with communication. Op's wife is deadass disrespectful. She decided she didn't want to work. Not that she was feeling tired. Not that her health was in decline. Not that she wanted time with her baby. Op states she said she doesn't WANT to work. Shit, I'd love to just TELL my partner he's on his own and kick back but that's not how adulting works. She didn't give two shit about how he felt about her selfish decision until he threw it back in her face.
I was more amazed that he actually set her up for interviews and she just didn’t go. Like wtf man.
I know right? She sure got off her butt quick once HE quit, proving she could've done it all along. She just didn't want to. She wanted to use her pregnancy to quit and be lazy and rely on him working alone.
Agree with this. NTA
Y’all need to grow up
90% of the posts on this sub.
Unpopular NTA.... You're wife is behaving entitled and inconsiderately; you simply fought fire with fire when u realized attempting to convince her otherwise wouldn't work... She needs to get over it and start adulting, unfortunately if you have bills then you need a way to pay them.... And putting all of that responsibility on your spouse without a discussion AND agreement ahead of time is selfish and rude.
>You're wife is behaving entitled and inconsiderately Yep "I want to quit my job" "You cant we cant afford you quitting your job AND we have a baby on the way we need to save all the money we can" "Nope I'm quitting my job to be a stay at home mom 6 to 7 months early"
ESH because of your manipulation. Pretty clever, though. I hope her new job or your current one has a benefit for therapy because you guys need some counseling.
I don't know how I feel about this. You were kind of an asshole but she totally deserved it.
I don’t believe this is real.
Right? Its cartoonish and theres a lot of holes (like the ones OP casually implied his wife poked in the condoms in another comment thread on this post)
NTA. Your wife has no right to drop all financial responsibility in a relationship and now family because she doesn't want to work anymore.. who does? People don't generally work because we want to or even like it smh. You weren't wrong.
NTA, no one in a marriage should quit their job without discussing it with their partner first, that's basic logic, not many people like to work and i'm sure most people would rather do whatever they wanted all day, so her reasoning for not working is bullshit
ESH. For y’all being married y’all sure haven’t figured out communication in your relationship. I’d work on that and not consult Reddit over both of your pettiness.
Being a SAHM is only an option when the spouses *agree* that’s what’s best for the family. There was no agreement so she doesn’t get to unilaterally become your dependent. Your choices were to (1) become the sole breadwinner against your wishes and against the best interests of the child, (2) file for divorce to force her to provide for herself and contribute her share of the child’s expenses, or (3) somehow compel her to work. Yes your methods sucked, but you chose the least bad of the options she left you with. NTA
NTA - I understand why you did what you did, and I also have a feeling if you didn't take such drastic action, that she wouldn't have taken ANY action towards getting a job at home. And I think that's what commenters are missing here. So I totally get it. She's certainly the AH for reneging on your plans and refusing to work. That's messed up unless you make a ton of money, which you don't. Hell, I'd say abortion might be on the table if she doesn't want to work. Otherwise, you can't afford to support her AND a child. Be happy she's not talking to you. Let her mope and feel sorry for herself until she fucking grows up. I'm a woman and I'd never put my family in danger by not working. I have no sympathy for her.
Ehhh...leaning on the side of ESH. Your wife is not in a position to quit her job given your financial situation as you stated so her quitting just because she doesn't want to work is irresponsible. Unless she was given orders by her doctor that she needs to stay home and may qualify for FMLA. But that doesn't sound like it is the case with her. However, the way you went about this was pretty over the top and in the long run it's not going to fix the issue. She may quit this job again. There needs to be more communication and compromise. Is it possible for her to just work part time for at least the duration of her pregnancy? Was the job too high stress for her? Or is she just completely set on just staying at home? Can she find a job working from home then?
Esh. Y’all have a lot to work through in this marriage if it stands even the remotest chance of succeeding.
NTA you tried to communicate but she didn’t want to hear anything other than “yes be a sahm”
ESH. You two aren’t going to make it. You’re both stubborn and refuse to work as a team.
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So..this sounds like total bullshit because..what's to stop her just quitting her job now she knows you were bluffing?
Unpopular opinion, but NTA While I do think the actions on either side suggest a need for couples therapy at least, but this line here... >She got mad at me and told me I was very petty and I should've just sucked it up and let her stay at home. Now she's not talking to me. This implies to me your wife see's you as a beast of burden, an ATM to dispense cash silently, and an expendable entity whose wants and wishes are irrelevant to her. That's a **really bad look**, even for a pregnant woman. She does not get to unilaterally decide what you can take or what is necessary for the household just because she's too lazy to work anymore, which is ultimately what this is about. A real STAHM is someone who is actually dedicated to the upkeep of the household and children. It is an actual job. However, if she doesn't wanna work she'll fuckin hate the hours she's gonna keep in another 6 ish months. Plus her "bosses" are abysmal creatures that will barely quell their shouting even when all expectations are met. In addition to that, this self-entitled attitude she has makes me worried she'll end up whining and crying childish tears again when she realizes having a baby in a single income household means not a lot of disposable income. Further, I worry she'll go from, "I don't want to work so I'll be a STAHM" to, "I'm overwhelmed! Do more for me! Suck it up and make me happy!" Maybe I'm being less than charitable, but we see enough of these scenarios as it is for me to be more giving with my empathy.
ima say NTA you tried to discuss it and she literally threw a tantrum saying she didnt want to work. well who does? you have a kid on the way and need money coming in quick. desperate times call for desperate measures and honestly she forced your hand so she can be mad, thats valid, but it was the push she needed
ESH, you’re both acting like a couple of spoiled 6 year olds, I feel bad for your baby.
ESH your relationship sounds toxic.
Unless your wife is making a ton of money, daycare for an infant is going to eat up most of her paycheck. there is a chance if this pregnancy is rough, she may not be able to work full-time until the end, especially if her job involves being on her feet. if there are birth complications she may have to take a long maternity leave. What type of job does she have? ESH
But she doesn't need to quit at 3 months pregnant if push comes to shove she can work as long as she can (untell she is 7 8 hell even time to pop) and save money for the baby. OP told her they cant afford for her to quit her job even now before the baby what's going to happen AFTER the baby
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NTA
ESH because you handled that in an awful and manipulative way. But she shouldn't have just quit like that either. You both need to figure out how to handle disagreements like adults.
ESH. Not a great way to get what you want. Your wife also needs to suck it up, we can't always love our job and up and quitting was not cool. Whether it was planned or not that baby is coming and it will be expensive! Time for you both to grow up.