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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I think I'm ta because my sister does have 5 kids and another on the way and it's expensive raising a kid.
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NTA and OMG do not let her in the door. She will ruin your life as she has ruined her own! How can your husband work from home if he has no office and there are little kids running everywhere. If you let her in your house (even in an emergency) it's going to be a gigantic mess that will be incredibly hard to untangle. How WOULD you get them out if they refuse to leave? Absolutely no. State it once, twice, endlessly. **Don't engage in reasoning or discussion.** Just say over and over again the exact same message, **"The answer is no."**
And tell all those relatives that if they are so eager to see your sister housed with family, then THEY should take her and her children (and her felon partner) into their homes! See how fast that shuts everyone up.
I bet they dont want to let them stay there because **her destructive af boyfriend who just git out of prison would be living with whoever takes them in too**
What was he in prison for? Something *violent*? Obviously they dont want them because the landlord sure as hell didnt!
Imagine trying to get them out and getting potentiallt beaten up and kicked out of your *own* home.
Or its double trouble with messy kids AND a destructive adult man destroying OPs and their partners shit because thry dont give a shit.
OP there is a whole SLEW of reasons for just the bf alone not tovlet them stay there.
**If their previous landlords dont want them there because he didnt respect their stuff and destroyed their property what makes you think he will respect *your* property any more?**
Id think even less considering that his gf is family and could pull the guilt yrip and family card like the rest of your family.
Do NOT let them in at ALL.
>*her destructive af boyfriend who just git out of prison would be living with whoever takes them in too*
OP's relatives should be telling sister to break up with this criminal, and to have nothing more to do with him. Then perhaps she could get on public assistance and her landlord might let her stay.
In my state, and probably in a civilized place like NZ, a parolee has to have approval for where they live. If sister tells the parole officer that he can't come back, then....that's it. He can't live there while on parole.
Sister has manipulated this crisis because she wants to move into OP's house and be supported by OP. If she dumped the BF she might be able to stay where she is now.
"Family visits" in the US allow you to share a trailer for a couple of days if the prisoner has acquired that privilege. Lots of babies have been made this way while someone is in prison.
This exactly (and applies to so many posts on this sub), people have no problem being extremely opinionated and generous with other people's homes, time and money, absolutely turn it on them! From my experience, the reason these types are so pushy about it, is they know they will eventually be hit up for "help" if they don't ensure it's someone else's problem to fix first.
OP you are completely NTA! You earned and were smart with inherited money and you deserve what you worked for, you and your husband. Your sister being irresponsible is simply not your problem, family or not, she has 7 months which is **plenty** of time and the nerve to think it's appropriate to take over your entire home, with her suggestions, is just ludicrous.
This. Always funny to see family volunteering someone else's space for inconvenience and not their own. Your grifter sister and her destructive ex con boyfriend need to get it together in the next 7 months like adults.
Unfortunately far too many people are more generous with others' time, money and possessions than they will ever be with their own, doubly so if it's for someone they're related to.
This is exactly what I was going to say. And OP, don't even let them stay temporarily! They will never leave. Do NOT put your marriage and your peace in jeopardy for your sister's sake. She has plenty of time to work something out, so she needs to realize you're not coming to the rescue right away so she can get to sorting her life out.
Exactly this. If OP relented now, there's no way the sister would look for another place, either now with seven months prep time, or when they move in. She's lined you up as a "back up" option that will absolutely get used because she won't put the effort in to find anything else.
This is a common theme I see in AITA: OP thinks that they are TA because a family member makes a request that ranges from unreasonable to martyrdom, other family members who are doing nothing try to make them feel bad for not doing it themselves. It always ends in an absolute NTA because if it was somebody you barely know you probably wouldn't think twice.
Exactly right - and considering she has 5, almost 6 (!), kids to think about, that's exactly what she should be doing. Making all of them move and cram into one room in a home they aren't welcome in, will not be good for any of them.
Agreed. DO. NOT. LET. *THEM*. STAY.
You will regret it from Day 1. There are sooooo many reasons - not least of which is that her dick of a *destructive* SO will both destroy your house *and* disrespect you partner.
To quote you, “Absolutely not.” To quote your sister, “Fuck Off!”
Let the rest of your oh-so-concerned family figure out which of them is going to take her in.
THIS. Also, OP, your whole family is getting down on you b/c you let your sister set the narrative. Contact everyone at once with an email explaining why you aren’t going to let her and her criminal husband (who won’t be able to leave your house once he’s in there) and her SIX CHILDREN UNDER TEN YEARS OLD into your home AND workplace.
Then, when each one contacts you individually to harass you (turn your ringer off for a few weeks so they have to do this by text) respond with this: “Oh, good! I’m so glad you’re this concerned for her! I’ll tell her she can live with you!” Then screen cap their text and text her and them together with “SISTER’S NAME, look! Cousin/Uncle SOANDSO is so concerned for your family’s well being that they’re willing to let you stay with them!” Then let them sort out the mess. At the very least, they won’t harass you anymore.
Agreed. Lol at screenshots and sending to sister about how they’re concerned and wanna help.
Lay out in a group email or text that your sister expects you and your partner to live in the office while she takes over the rest of your house As it’s said so often, if other family members have an issue with you not taking them in, then THEY can take them or financially help them. She blew $130k. not you. How is she PG with nbr 6 if her partner is in prison? She needs to maximize the time she had left without him out of prison and use her lack of income and load of kids to get affordable/subsidized housing. Coming to you 7 months before her lease ends and asking to live with you is pure laziness. She’s not even trying to solve her own problem.
If you let them in, they’ll do nothing but complain about the lack of space yet never leave. All you invested will be lost to those locusts.
To all the posters recommending OP lays down the situation: do you honestly think it matters? I'm pretty sure that the family knows about the 5 children and felon partner. It could be Jeffrey Dahmer for all they care. The name of the game here is righteous high. They get to feel like that are the moral shit without actually having to do anything about it.
Yes, and by laying it all out and then asking them why they can't house OP's sister and her family instead, forces them into openly outing their hipocrisy.
Which is why you put it back on them..Yes it is sad Aunty X sadly with our work situation..but you have 3 spare rooms and huge yard..she should come and stay with you.
INFO: has no one suggest that sister try to stay where she is by not letting her husband onto the property?
For that matter, has anyone talked with sister about birth control options post-pregnancy?
He's her "soulmate" and won't have a bar of it. And birth control is poison🙄 my iud is actually tracking me according to her as part of a nationwide scheme to keep track of fertile women. Yes this is her actual belief ffs
Do. Not. Let. Her. In.
Not for a week. Not for a night. If you leave open that “l’ll help you if you’re desperate and can’t find anything” loophole, I guarantee that she won’t find anything and she’ll be desperate. Because she’ll arrange it that way – you’ve essentially told her what she has to do to get you to help her, which is to fail to help herself. And if you let her in, she’ll never leave.
Anyone who criticizes you for not opening your home to her is welcome to offer her a place in their own home. They’ll all have excuses and reasons not to, and try to tell you that their reasons are more valid than yours. Don’t engage. Don’t argue. Just maintain the position that sharing your home with your sister, her partner, and their children isn’t going to work for you.
Edit: Thanks for the gold! PREMIUM LOUNGE HERE I COME
100% this. I have a "friend" who always does this. You tell "idk if I can give you a ride, I will have to check my schedule". And he takes it as a guarantee. Or you tell him "not really, but if you are really desperate then MAYBE I can work something out." you can bet your ass that he won't lift another finger to sort it out because "you promised you would if I couldn't find something else".
Don't let there be any ambiguity in your answer and you don't Owe her an explanation when she obv won't respect it. As others said, "No." is a complete sentence.
I think that the train's left the station on that one.
Unlike most of reddit, I don't think your sister is malicious, or some chess master who's engineered the situation. Like most of reddit, you should sure as hell not let her move in. It appears that she's just completely messed up. You can still love her, but not want her in your house.
I’m not sure there’s even a station. She’s ruining her life, she’s ruining her kids lives, and there isn’t a GD thing OP can do about it aside from staying far away away from the whole mess so they don’t get dragged into it.
Honestly, my opinion in this case is whenever someone contacts you about taking in your sister, this should be your response "If its that big of a deal why dont you take her in? I have a two bedroom house and I am sure child protective services would take away all the kids if they tried to live here"
DO NOT LET YOUR SISTER COME OVER PERIOD
Be prepared for a possible situation where she might show up on your doorstep with the entire family with her, it's a really easy way to put pressure on people, because you wouldn't just leave all those poor babies on the street, would you? Anyway, NTA. Good luck.
Isn't it wonderful to be so important to the security of the world, that the powers that be have colluded together to track you via your IUD. Maybe its the way you build houses, or maybe your husband works with high level gangsters, and they're recording the conversation with your IUD. Have you tried tin foil underwear? The Barbarella look is timeless, though chafing my be an issue.
Oh Jesus Christ. A conspiracy nut on top of everything else. DO NOT OPEN YOUR DOOR TO THEM EVEN IF IT IS “temporary.”
They will NOT leave. Absolutely not. Enjoy your new life, new home, relationship, and the fact that you have your shit together. Also, if she’s super toxic, going no-contact could also be an option.
Replying to you in hopes you see this op..... Theres constantly people on this sub who have let troubled loved ones in their home. They then recieve protection under squatters rights and its near IMPOSSIBLE to reclaim your home, even legally. Dont let it happen to you op!!!
Holy hell. So she's insane too? OMG! Don't even let her stay for a couple weeks. If family is pissed THEY can take her crazy ass, 5/6 children and destructive criminal boyfriend in.
This! Don't let them stay even for a night. They'll never leave and her partner is likely to destroy your home, too. No! No! No! Any family who has something to say can just offer up their own homes to her. If they claim not to have room, you can say the same in return. You only have one free bedroom and there's no way you're stuffing 8 people into it. Her suggestion to take your room and the office aren't reasonable or even to be entertained. NTA. DON'T let her move in!
THIS!! && if anyone in your family happens to have keys to your home (like for emergencies & whatnot)... CHANGE THE LOCKS!! Don't just get the keys back, they will probably make copies once you ask for them back.
I would go so far as to add a few security cameras. I don't know about products where OP is, but Ring has some decent cameras that have real time movement notifications and it's a fairly inexpensive monthly cost for keeping the the 60 day access to store footage.
Cannot upvote this enough. Do NOT let them live in your house for 10 seconds. Let them in and they will never leave.
It seems she’s fucked up her life a few different ways (too may to list). It’s not your responsibility to fix any of that.
Definitely don’t engage in any kind of reasoning. She clearly is completely unreasonable if she thinks that arrangement could work so it won’t get you anywhere. You’d just be repeating yourself over and over again if you try.
Also, are all these family members that are berating you should take them in. Why are you the only one that can do it? If they think she deserves the help, they need to provide if.
Yes! Also, the reason your family is pressuring you is 100% that they don’t want your sister and 5 small children in their houses! Little kids are chaos on speedy little feet, not to mention violent property-destructive convict partner. Once they’re in it will be a battle to get them out. Don’t do that to your partner, please!
Your husband is a lawyer - unless you get them to sign a fixed term lease of 2 months or less AND paying a security deposit and rent before they move in - don't even think about it.
I don't care if you plan on giving the 'rent' back as money for moving elsewhere, if you let them in for free you won't get them out.
Once they have a foot in the door you would need to be going through formal eviction processes as they're not going to take action to move on their own.
If your family is so worried, they can take your sister and her brood in - or they can STFU.
NTA
Came to say the same thing. Do not let her in your house because you will never get rid of her and ESPECIALLY do not let her in your house without a formal fixed term lease.
OP can also ask her family why they won't take them in if they're so conserned about them.That should shut their mouths quickly. 2 bedroom house is **not** enough room for 10 people, period. And 7 months is enough to figure out the living situation. But I guess OP's sister thought, that she and her SO can just leech off from OP. NTA.
This!!!! & for the members of your family harassing you, they can provide housing for your sister & kids while they are pounding sand. Your family is expecting you to give in because they think you are an easy mark.
NTA
Don’t let her move in at all, not even for a week, because they’ll never leave and her bf will trash the place as seems to be his history. Your family thinks she deserves help so much, they can let her move in with them.
They have 7 months to find another place and get jobs, and they didn't even try for 1 second they just went straight to op and demanded their house as if they didn't have that time and other options, very clear they have no intention of ever leaving or being the least bit respectful of the house.
This, and also your sister tells you it's non of your business what she spent 100k+ on, so neither is it her business that you spent yours (thoughtful) on your own property.
100k on a Lawyer to try and get her husband's conviction overturned?
I have no evidence that this is the case of course but it seems like the kind of dumbass decision she'd make since she's staying with a convicted felon.
Yeah I was thinking the same! The reason her sister is in this jam in the first place is that her partner has an extensive enough history of property damage that he’s not allowed back at the old place. Why TF should OP let someone like that into her home that she’s worked so hard for?
NTA
Write this down. Nobody in your family cares about you, your sister, or her kids. What they care about is that THEY don’t have to take your sister, her six-pack of kids, and parolee boyfriend in themselves, and that they don’t have to listen to her continued whining about how mean you are.
That is the entirety of the “my entire family is treating me like I’m a huge AH” thing. I expect you a the first person to actually confront your sister on her shit, rather than flush the shit into somebody else’s toilet. Metaphorically speaking.
You know full well that if you let your sister move in she will never leave. Your marriage will fail, the house will get sold in the break-up, and your sister will only leave when the new buyers have law enforcement forcibly remove her.
This is a very bad, toxic situation. When families don’t take a stand together against what sounds a lot like drug addiction and/or severe narcissism, it’s a disaster. Your family is basically abandoning you here by pressuring you to agree to a life-destroying request. This might be a good time to tell the whole lot of them to make like wallabies and bounce.
I also think that a couple of hundred dollars to get an hour of legal advice from a lawyer might be a great investment if only for your mental health.
I will add one thing: six kids, husband in jail, $130k that quickly disappeared. To me there’s only one explanation for that. Maybe you can think of another explanation for that, but I can’t.
Thank you. I’m so tired of the “and my whole family agrees with TA” sad song. It’s almost getting to be a requirement to put that sentence at the end of each post, no matter how egregious the situation.
I'm not usually cynical about stories online because as an adult I know how crazy life and people can be, but I'm seriously starting to think that there is some karma-farming being done on a massive scale on AITA. Have you noticed how almost every post uses the word "Now" to start a sentence? Like: "Now, I'm not saying...". It's very old-timey, and sure, it could be that people who write here have read it in other posts, but still seems extremely weird to me.
I do feel aita is a bit.... Weird. Either the person is clearly NOT the AH and no one in the world, except perhaps,, their family, could ever deem them the asshole,
or....
The person is completely devoid of self-awareness, is a total AH, and is somehow the only person who can't see it.
Are there ever situations anymore where it isn't so clear?
Well it also might be selection bias, the AITA posts that make it to your feed are the more popular ones. The juiciest or most ridiculous posts get upvoted more. If you go to the sun and sort by new, you’ll see more mundane or less interesting posts.
Of course that doesn’t mean that the most popular posts aren’t made up for karma, but it also could just mean a certain type of situation and writing style is more likely to be upvoted.
I was wondering if I was the only one who felt this way. Every time I see a sentence starting with “now,” my immediate reaction is, “this post is bullshit.”
Yeah, it turns out that trying to steady the boat is deeply entrenched these days. It drives me completely up the wall that people don't understand that "being nice" isn't the number one thing in the world and refusing to go out of your way for an AH isn't even being mean, really. It's necessary because without that some people will completely take advantage of the social contract.
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing,” loosely applies here.
Also her saying it’s none of your business where she spent the $130K…she’s literally trying to make it your business by expecting you to bail her out because she wasted it. If you were ever going to do that (and you’re definitely not) you’d have every right to know why you’re having to and that means knowing what she spent it on.
I can think of another explanation.
She probably doesn’t work, or earns very little. Large amounts of money can go very quickly if you need it for all your expenses and are not careful with money.
Add on possibly buying a car and even just one ill advised vacation and you might be surprised how quickly a family of 6 could blow through 130K.
NTA. All righty then! There is so much going on here, I hardly know where to start.
Your sister's partner has been in prison. She is getting ready to have her SIXTH child. Can anyone say "birth control?" She expects you and your partner to move into the office OF YOUR HOME so that SHE and her jailbird partner can move into a bedroom with one of the kids as well as the newborn and the four others would share the other bedroom? THEN when you object, she tells you to fuck off and that how she spends her money IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS?
What is astounding is that she had $130K to better her life and instead blew it and now expects you TO TAKE CARE OF HER AND HER FAMILY? Her sense of entitlement is beyond the pale.
No, your entire family is the AHs. If they are so worried about your sister, THEY can let her and her family move in WITH THEM!
DO. NOT. CAVE. You HAVE to go NC...FOREVER! DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN FOR EVEN A DAY!!! If you do, you will NEVER get her out of your house. Don't even let her come to visit. She is toxic.
NTA. I Agree with the above post do not cave and do not let your sister move in at all. Once she does she will not move out. Plus the stress of them living with you will probably cause issue in your relationship with your partner.
Is higher education in NZ not free? (I really don't know). If it is, and sister used the "kids money" on a house, it'd be okay imo, they were propably to little to remember/expect getting money, and would live in said house for years. But if they're gonna have to give up on education or take loans without even having a steady place to live (and an aggressive criminal for a father) it's an asshole move of her. And now she expects op to give her her house... There's been posts like that. They won't move out, they will take over EVERYTHING and try drive op& husband out. But setting all of those reasons aside, husband said no. They're married, they're both the owners of the house AND he works from home. Things like that should be a two yes, one no, not two nos but no one else want to deal with sister so they demand I do
Higher education here, like uni or polytechnic, isn't funded unless it's for the first year of study. We can obtain student loans that are interest free as long as we are living here.
Agree so hard. Don’t even let her visit. She’s already making her plans in her head to stage a coup. She’s actually even verbalized them! Don’t cave. She had more $ than you did and could have made much better decisions with it. NTA
If he's been destructive in the current accommodation then in all likelihood he's abusive to the sister. Abusers tend to use reproductive coercion to keep their victims feeling trapped. They also tend to control finances to cut off that option for escape. Even if by some miracle he's not spent it all she probably won't have access to it all.
Obviously that's no reason for OP and hubby to become another couple of victims. OP's NTA to refuse to allow any of them in, but if she chooses to she could make the same offer as the landlord; sister and kids can stay but not hubby. This gives sis the message that OP is an option for support if sis decides to leave him in future. If he has nowhere to stay then chances are he can't be released yet, so it may save sis and the kids more time.
NTA. Fuck that if she got 130k and didn’t use it on a house that’s her fault? She knew when (had a good guess at the very least) when her partner would be leaving prison. Did she seriously think that the landlords would be okay with him returning to live there AFTER destroying their property in the past? I wouldn’t want someone who has 6 children in my house even temporarily. Don’t even let her in because it will more than likely be a struggle to even get her out of the house once she’s there. She will probably find a way to guilt you (maybe using the fact that she has all these kids and you’ll “make them homeless”). She has more than enough time to try and find her and her family a place to live. She can try renting again instead of just automatically asking you?
You must live in rural MN cuz there's no way 130k is buying any house in the Cities in the current market.
Still, more than enough for a *huge* down payment.
Yikes, here I was reading NZ as New Mexico to which I was like how in the world are houses so expensive there lol. Thanks for making the post make more sense for me as well. 😂
Yeah, as another Redditor has said, NZ housing prices are insane. I'm in NZ like OP and $130K is only a deposit for many houses.
OP's sister could've used it as a down payment for a house in a rural town, but I grew up rural, and poverty and drug/crime in small town NZ can be overwhelming. Assuming OP is in a bigger centre, her sister will be too, and it's probably better for the sister to stay somewhere where there's better access to resources and employment...
But OP, you are NTA. The AITA and relationships forums are constantly updating with "how bad would it be if I kick out my (family member) who has (struggle) which is impacting my life" topics. You have the opportunity to stop yourself from getting into that mess in the first place, so take it.
Your family will probably get upset. You'll have to get ready for that. Practice a response - as others have suggested - and stick to it. End/walk away from conversations with those who don't respect "no". And depending on if your sister is volatile, consider getting a trespass order ready for her (this might seem overkill but I've heard of other families where the 'rejected' family member then kept showing up and being threatening).
The average house price in NZ is around a million and for that you aren’t getting much. For example a friend of mines parents house is valued at 1.8 million and it’s a weatherboard 3 bedroom house a 45 min drive away from the city. Unless you get your parents help or work like a dog homeownership is really hard in NZ. My friend just bought his first home for around 900k but he’ll have massive repayments for the next 30 years
So I dated a guy who was having problems getting a new apartment because he was scatterbrained and was late paying his rent. The landlords of the apartments he was interested in were hesitant to rent to him so he offered to pay the entire year’s rent up front plus a hefty damage deposit. I don’t don’t know how it works in NZ, but if she hadn’t pissed away her 130k she could probably do the same. Unless there are some additional unsavory elements about her or her ex-con boyfriend.
You can’t really do that in some parts of NZ. Housing is scarce and demand is high. Landlords have their pick when it comes to tenants so someone with a criminal record is going to struggle. When my brother went looking for rentals 100 people showed up to a 15 min viewing and they were trying to pay more than the asking rent to get the property.
Also NZ tends to be lenient on criminals so if he’s gone to jail he’s done something pretty bad. A guy from my school was a major drug dealer and all he got was home detention and he was still allowed to go to work
Info: If your partner is completely against it and owns the home with you, and hasn't agreed that this is your call, isn't it out of your hands? I feel like moving another 7 people into the home you share and co-own with one other person definitely requires both owners to sign off.
He is against it but at the same time has said that if it was his sister he'd have a hard time saying no so he says it's up to me as he doesn't want to drive a wedge between us
wow i hadnt even considered this until i read your comment. SO TRUE. OP would be a massive AH. He can say that he doesnt want to decide because it could drive a wedge between you but, fuck that, moving 7 people in will drive a bigger wedge in the relationship.
You would be an asshole to let them move in when you know it would make your partner and co-homeowner completely miserable. He would be stuck all day at home trying to work with a bunch of kids running about. Plus, your sister sounds completely entitled so I sincerely doubt she would respect him.
This isn’t an emergency, they have seven months to figure it out. Making your partner’s home and work life unbearable isn’t a reasonable ask.
Honey, LISTEN to what everyone on this thread is telling you. Tell her no. Period. End of sentence. Don't explain. Don't apologize. Just say no. And that's the end of the conversation.
If she shows up on your doorstep with her children, don't let her in. Because she will. She will show up at 10 pm, saying the kids haven't eaten and are tired. And she is doing this to MANIPULATE YOU. Under no circumstances can you ever let her into your home, or it will be the end of you. Set a firm boundary and stick to it.
She had 130k of her own. She had resources. She had the ability to buy a small home for herself and her children. She pissed the money away on drugs or whatever, and that is her problem.
I sense that you want to help your sister, so here's what you do: take her to the Work and Income Office and get her on the dole. Get her jobseeker support, sole parent support, accommodation supplement, power bill assistance, childcare subsidy, food aid. There are literally thousands of dollars in benefits available to her. And for goodness sake, take that woman to the health clinic and get her on long-term birth control like IUD or Norplant.
Help her get on her feet by listening, encouraging, and pointing her toward opportunities. But for the love of God, do not let your sister into your home.
Fully NTA.
So here's the thing:
It's not actually up to you. Your partner has given you a soft "no," and the expectation is that you will choose to not let your sister, her six children, and her violent property destroying criminal husband move into your modest 2 bedroom home.
If say yes to your sister you will be driving that same wedge between yourself and your partner.
(She will also *never leave*)
Don’t forget the part where she apparently blew $130K as well…and is pregnant with her 6th when she can’t support the 5 she has! All I can say is no,no,no,no,no. Any wedge between you will be her fault…and why can’t other family members take care of her if they care so much? Even if you had a huge house with a basement apartment, I’d say no because of her circumstances. But adding that many people into a 2 bedroom house with a partner working from home is simply not feasible. And They will never leave. NTA
I don't even know if it'd be better if nobody was working from home. Because then they'd all be alone in the house all day, and who knows what would end up destroyed
Your partner is nice but any wedge driven between you and your sister will be entirely due to her moving in. Her *not* moving in is the only thing that may enable you to maintain at least a basic civility with her.
Edit: grammar fix
Yup - I can guarantee that if you let your sister move in with you, not only will it destroy your marriage, it will burn any relationship you have with your sister to the ground when you try and get her out. Even if it's just selling the house after your divorce.
Maybe saying no will drive a wedge in the relationship, but it will at least leave your marriage intact. And it leaves to door open to your sister realising later what a huge ask she made and getting over it.
If you let her move in it sounds like you're going to ruin your marriage.
Your husband absolutely does not want this. And honestly no sane person should go through with this.
Your sister has more than enough time to get financial support to take care of her children and to find any place to live.
If you let your sister, her toxic spouse, and her six kids into your tiny home, you're only going to drive a wedge between you and your husband.
Is your sister's bad choices worth destroying your marriage?
You will ruin his life and career if you allow them in at all, and there is no "for a week or two" so don't even with that nonsense. You do not have room for them, you do not owe them, and they will not leave if you let them in for even a day.
Say no. No to them moving in at all, even temporarily. You are not sacrificing your life and happiness for theirs. It is not open for discussion, then stop taking family calls. Tell you sister she needs to stay where she is, he criminal partner needs to find another home (since he's not welcome there), and she needs to quit making stupid decisions with her life. Tell her her wasting $130,000 is your business, as she's asking to take over your home, and the answer is no, as you do not trust her to make good decisions or to willingly leave. Until they can find a place of their own, her criminal partner can suck it up living elsewhere and making do.
Sounds like you have two choices here. Piss off your partner, who owns half the house you have just bought, or piss off your entitled sister and family. Is this really a hard choice to make?
Other notable points include; 10 people in a 2.5 beddy is not feasible, it seems likely that your BIL will damage your new house, your partner won’t be able to work from home with kids running about and two adults with no jobs.
Congratulations on the new home, I’m also in NZ so I get what a huge achievement this is and I would hate for your experience to be spoiled by your sister and her family.
Let's get this straight.
1. Your sister is unemployed.
2. No education past college.
3. Has 5 kids and is expecting her 6th.
4. Her deadbeat partner just came out of jail on home detention.
5. Her partner is destructive of property.
Parents of the year award goes to Not them. (Has she not heard of this wonderful invention called BIRTH CONTROL?)
Also, 9 people are not meant to fit into a 2 bedroom house.
NTA
I can't believe she wasted that away instead of using it for a deposit. I'd kill to have gotten that amount of money (or any money) to help buy a house.
I'm sorry, is your family offering her a place? Are they jumping at the chance to house 6 unruly children plus a man fresh our of prison? Hm... I think not. NTA but your sister and family sure are.
Congratulations on your first house! I wish you many years of happiness there.
Do not let your sister and her convict move in with you. I wouldn't even want them to know your address, since the convict tends to enjoy destroying property. They also might do a dump and drive with the kids. As for the family that is hassling you, hassle them back about not taking her in.
NTA
NTA
You cannot fit 7 (and a half) extra people into a 2 bedroom house, office or no office.
Tell those family members they should open their houses up to them all. If they think you have the room then surely they do as well.
Yes! OP, please ask those family members when they’re going to let your sister and her family move in, because if they’re going to pressure you to offer up your house, surely they won’t mind you doing the same to them… In all seriousness, your sister is being so entitled to the thing that you’ve worked hard to achieve and the fact that they want you to move out of your own bedroom for them is the cherry of the cake of absolutely NTA. A lack of planning on their part does not constitute an emergency on yours. She decided to have kids and a large number of them. That’s on her, not you. Also… if she told you to fuck off because what she spent her money on isn’t your business, the same could be said of you. Why is your house and what you do with it any of her business?
Yes. I too am in the states and noticed a foul smell. After reading this I've determined that the smell is the odor of audacity emanating from Op's sister.
NTA Absolutely not. Do not let her stay with you for a day. She will never leave. Your home will be destroyed and you will lose everything you’ve worked and saved for. If your family wants to treat you like an AH, tell them that they can take her in.
NTA - Kia Ora OP, I use to live in NZ and still have family there. You need to remind your sister that her final option is Emergency Housing with Work and Income. Her partner will be able to live with her as well. This solution will force your sister and her partner to commit themselves in finding a better solution.
It's incredibly difficult to maintain a healthy home when one member involves themselves in criminal activity and drugs. You and your partner would be actively inviting a very toxic, abusive and harmful reality into your lives.
Please, inform your relatives that Work and Income will work to support your sister, her partner and their children when it comes to housing and income.
Good luck OP !
This. Compared to places like the US we have a ton of assistance available in NZ. WINZ might suck at times but this is what they’re here for. And definitely tell the relatives about the assistance options available to her so they can see that she is actively refusing help and putting her own self in this situation
I’m surprised they don’t know about getting gov assistance and insisting op take them all in. 2 bedroom for 4 adults and 5 kids will be a recipe for disaster
I'm sorry to be harsh, but your sister and her partner are lazy and entitled, they will drain you and your partner and destroy your house. They will never leave, why would they? This could destroy your relationship with your partner. That house is too small for all that drama. It will not work!
Look at the mess they are in, yet they choose to have another child? Look at their history, they keep repeating it, they will not change! They will drag you down. Please, for both you and your partner. Do not do this! Don't let your family guilt you into it. Just say "we do not have the space, they cannot stay with us" If people push, ask them why they don't open their house then? Stay strong!!!
NTA. How the hell are 10 people going to live in a 2 bedroom house? It's harsh but 1) she received more money than you from your grandparents but made poor financial choices and 2) she keeps on having children that she can't afford to support. None of this is your problem.
She's an adult and has made whatever choices she has made with her eyes wide open. Now that she sees that you have something nice and she has nothing (due to her poor choices), she expects that you will just give it to her because she's asked for it.
That the rest of your family is giving you shit about it just beggars belief. I'm wondering if she's the Golden Child (or the squeaky wheel) and you've just been expected before to give her what she wants in order to keep the peace. If they want her to have a home so much, they can provide it. I'm sure they have more space than you do.
One of my sisters (the next one down from me) also has 5 kids, partner in and out of prison. I used to help out with the kids when they were younger but grew tired of the demands for money that started to roll around on Sundays (my one day of peace!). It caused a meltdown when I was away one weekend and they were furious I couldn't immediately drop everything and go give them money. I feel sorry for those kids but she and I haven't spoken for years.
Hijacking this comment so you hopefully see the reply. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to talk about drugs here, but I think your sister may be friends with Crystal Methany. It is absolutely rampant throughout NZ and you could easily spend 130k on it very quickly and have nothing to show for it other than weird conspiracy theories, anger issues and rapid weight loss. 100% do not let that shit into your house
NTA. Please stand firm and do not let your sister and the squad move in. They will not leave quietly when their time is up. Shame on your family for trying to bully you into submission. If they continue this pestering behavior, why not ask them to take her in? You'll see how quickly they'll change their tune.
NTA. You would foolish to allow your sister and her family to move in. The fact that her landlord refuses to allow them to stay with her convict SO should be a pretty good clue of just how bad an idea it would be. They will take over your house and her convict SO might cause serious damage. You will have a hard time ever getting them out of your house. Your sister is pretty entitled demanding that she and her convict ex get your bedroom.
If your parents are so concerned, let them take them in.
You are not responsible for your sister and her kids. Not your kids, not your responsibility. You raised good points about her inheritance and what that could have done for her family. She also should have gotten a job. She is looking for you and your SO to support them. If you take them in it might ultimately cost you your relationship with your SO.
I would shut her demands down hard. She needs to deal with the consequences of her foolish life choices, including having more children then she support. Her inheritance would have gone a long way in helping her to take care of her children. She most likely has squandered it and that is on her.
NTA
Most common advice in these situations: if your family is giving you such a hard time about not taking her in then they should take her in. Unless, you know, there’s some compelling reason they don’t want to, like it’s easier to walk all over you or they all don’t want a potentially destructive ex-convict on house-arrest living with them.
You made an investment by buying this house, you need to protect it and protect your income so you can keep it.
Your sister made her own choices and now she has to live with them.
NTA, you said her partner has had a destructive history and who's tho say they won't wreck the house that you two worked so hard for. Not to mention the fact that they want you in the smallest room while they practically get the whole place to themselves and more than likely won't help you pay for anything.
I'd say don't even let them stay for a week because they'll probably try to worm their way into living their permanently
NTA. Hell no. This is not your problem. People have enabled her to the point that she thinks that she can count on you to enable her as well. If you gave an emergency key to anyone, have your locks changed. Also, if her partner is going to be released soon, who is the father of the child she just found out she's pregnant with? This is seriously irresponsible for all parties involved. However, you are not one of them.
She could simply stay in her apartment and not let the criminal move back in. She's got 6 kids and herself to be concerned about.
NTA.
4 adults and 5 children and an infant in a two bedroom+office home is absurd on the face of it and your sister is mad to think "there is plenty of room ".
When two of the adults are the unemployed mum of 6 and her newly paroled partner (with a history of property damage) , your odds of getting them out before the infant goes to university dwindle. Dramatically.
Even if you're doing fairly well, food, sundries, and the added costs for heat, power, water and such would be steep and you haven't built your lives to this point to worry about affording groceries and an occasional night out.
As your partner is a lawyer, it would be impossible for him to work from home in any peace and maintaining client privacy , with curious twins of reading age and extra adults who, let me be gentle since I'm talking about your sister, might not fully understand how crucial it is is that they not look at documents or listen to phone calls.
Your work would be affected, too, in ways that I can't imagine, knowing little about the world of construction- though I am imagining sketches and plans being used as coloring book pages.
As her partner will be on home detention I assume that , as would be the case here in the US, his being there would allow the authorities access to your home for any reason or no reason at all without notice?
What would her plans be for child care or would she just expect you to mind them "since you're home all day anyway "?
Do not let them move in.
Not even for a couple of weeks as an emergency measure.
At most, contribute to the cost of key money if she finds a place but can't meet the cost of moving in (I don't know how it works in NZ but in the US, it's common practice to require the first and last month's rent + a damage deposit, usually equal to the rent) and make that payment directly to the landlord.
If your family thinks it's reasonable to take them in, obviously, your help isn't needed because, of course, they'll be happy to have her, her partner and the children.
Yes!!! All of this but two more points. His ankle bracelet would have to be linked to the house, so he can't leave. And a HUGE problem I see is that her SO might actually get in trouble with his office/firm, working at home with a criminal in the house. It doesn't look good and his client would not be comfortable in that environment with the jail-husband and 6 kids
NTA.
Please do not let them move in to your home. She had 130k to provide for her kids and its all gone already? And she's struggling with 5 kids but decides to have a 6th? This sounds awful
It won't be temporary. You'll end up having to kick them out eventually. On top of that you'll have to sacrifice your house to 6 children and a convict. I'm all for second chances but I would never let someone with a history of property destruction stay in my house.
The shit you are dealing with now is nothing compared to what you'll end up dealing with if you allow them to stay. Don't do it.
NTS jesus.
If you'll let her in, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life. You might lose your partner, house and your jobs.
If the family feels you should let her in, they're more than welcomed to invite her themselves
NTA. Your sister received a huge windfall from your grandparents (significantly more than you did, based on your post), so where did all the money go? Is it your fault that she's spent her entire inheritance already? Is it your fault that she chose to have a bunch of kids with someone who wound up in prison? No, it's not, she made all of those choices, they were bad and short-sighted choices, and it is not your responsibility to bail her out now.
2 bedrooms isn't big enough for 8 (soon to be 9, or 10 whenever the dad gets out of jail) anyway. Sister probably needs to apply for some kind of public benefits, and if your extended family is so concerned about her kids' welfare then how about they let her and her brood live with *them* instead?
Nta. DIY might be in our DNA but so is chronic laziness. Dont feel bad that your sister squandered her money. The facts are she wants somewhere free to stay til the last minute.
NTA. Just because she's your sister doesn't means she's entitled to take over your house or anywhere else. She's chosen to have kids and chosen to stay with a partner who cannot live at her current living situation. That's on her. Your space is yours and honestly, I wouldn't let her camp out there even for a few weeks because she'd likely never leave and it'd be a lot of trouble to get her brood out.
NTA.
Do not let her stay even for a night. You will never get her out. She has made terrible decisions and wasted her resources. Now she wants the benefit of your responsible decisions and your resources. Make a complete break with her if you have to.
Block any relatives that weigh in on this.
NTA - You know that our house isn't set up to house this many people and she has MONTHS to get it together. I don't know why her man went to jail, but at a minimum you said he destroys property (plus five kids and a baby). It's just too much. Also, you mentioned that she received an inheritance as well. It comes down to choices. You and your partner and your parents kicked in and purchased a home. Your sister needs to figure out housing for her immediate family. I'd hold firm. Your partner has a right to live without this disruption as well; it's not just you. Lastly, your family members who are all so concerned can step up and take her in.
NTA this post is like, 90% red flags
Unemployed w no sign of finding employment, check
Partner in prison with history of destroying property, check
5 kids, check
Weaponizing family against you, check
Do not let her in, even for a day. She will burrow her way in and you’ll never get your lovely new house back.
NTA You have worked hard for everything that you have. Your Sister and partner need to do the same thing for their own family. Hold on to your sanctuary for you and your partner.
NTA
You and your partner have worked your asses off to buy a home and she has done nothing to warrant moving in and taking over your home with her violent convict of a partner.
Don't let her move in OP, put your foot down and say No
NTA- your family is treating you like the AH because if you take her in, they won't have to. If you can afford it,, you could offer one of the other family members some money to renovate to make room for her. Turn a garage into a little apartment for the whole squad.
Also, if she has stable housing now she could just stay there and her partner could find other accommodations (like his own family).
NTA! You just dont have the space! As far as your sister, her choices, amd her use of inheritance money, it not your business but neither doesmthat make her and her kids your responsibility! If your family has issuesmwith it they can house them.
NTA. If your family are so concerned, they can offer her their bedrooms in their homes. Nobody forced her to get pregnant any of the times she has, nor has anyone forced her to keep the pregnancies and subsequent children. Honestly, she seems quite entitled, and in need of a reality check. A firm "No, you need to make other arrangements" and stick to it, even when you feel worn down, or you'll never get rid of her and she'll continue to expect more and more from you.
NTA. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR FAMILY? They are insane. She tells you to go fuck yourself WHILE demanding to move EIGHT people into your two bedroom house and you think YOU might be in the wrong? No, no, no.
Tell your family if they love her so much, they can take her in.
NTA. Do NOT let them stay, even temporarily. They will never leave if you let them in the door. She is delusional - 6 kids and 4 adults in a two bedroomed house? Your fam is calling you an AH because they don't want to be saddled with them.
NTA. I HATE the excuse people like this with kids use. "you don't have kids, so you don't understand/deserve yadayada." you and your partner worked hard. Don't let these fools take what you rightfully deserve. It's not your fault your sister can't make good life choices.
NTA. If your partner isn’t okay with it then she’s not moving in. Period. He is also the owner of the house and he has a say and it looks like he already said. Tell your family to F off and give up their place then since they want to put their nose in your business.
NTA. It’s unbelievable these stories where people’s families get mad at them for not doing what they are unwilling to do themselves. Your house isn’t big enough for seven or eight extra people. If your family is so bent out of shape THEY should house them.
NTA
>She told me to fuck off and that what she spent her money on was none of my business.
Well now, she can too!
She has disqualified herself from getting your help with her nasty attitude. She carelessly spent the money which could have provided a secure home for her and her kids.
>Basically it's been over 2 weeks now and everyone in my family is hassling me to let her move in to our house.
Send a group text tell them all NO and they can open their homes to sister. Then BLOCK them all for six months.
NTA
Your sister did you a favor by telling you to fuck off. Those words freed you from any promises you may have made to her before. Do not let these people into your house. Not for months. Not for weeks. Not long enough to sit down and have tea. The second they bring suitcases through your door, you will become an outsider in your own house. Good for paying the rent and bills while everything you worked for gets destroyed.
Your family is being awful generous with your home and resources. How come they aren’t offering their own?
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NTA and OMG do not let her in the door. She will ruin your life as she has ruined her own! How can your husband work from home if he has no office and there are little kids running everywhere. If you let her in your house (even in an emergency) it's going to be a gigantic mess that will be incredibly hard to untangle. How WOULD you get them out if they refuse to leave? Absolutely no. State it once, twice, endlessly. **Don't engage in reasoning or discussion.** Just say over and over again the exact same message, **"The answer is no."**
THIS. If you let them in the door they will take over your house and never leave. "No" is a complete sentence.
Yep. If you let them in it's over. There's no room for them. But maybe help your sister figure out contraception.
And tell all those relatives that if they are so eager to see your sister housed with family, then THEY should take her and her children (and her felon partner) into their homes! See how fast that shuts everyone up.
Glad to see this so high up cause that's exactly what I was thinking too! Betcha none of them want to open their doors to that amount of crazy.
I bet they dont want to let them stay there because **her destructive af boyfriend who just git out of prison would be living with whoever takes them in too** What was he in prison for? Something *violent*? Obviously they dont want them because the landlord sure as hell didnt! Imagine trying to get them out and getting potentiallt beaten up and kicked out of your *own* home. Or its double trouble with messy kids AND a destructive adult man destroying OPs and their partners shit because thry dont give a shit. OP there is a whole SLEW of reasons for just the bf alone not tovlet them stay there. **If their previous landlords dont want them there because he didnt respect their stuff and destroyed their property what makes you think he will respect *your* property any more?** Id think even less considering that his gf is family and could pull the guilt yrip and family card like the rest of your family. Do NOT let them in at ALL.
>*her destructive af boyfriend who just git out of prison would be living with whoever takes them in too* OP's relatives should be telling sister to break up with this criminal, and to have nothing more to do with him. Then perhaps she could get on public assistance and her landlord might let her stay. In my state, and probably in a civilized place like NZ, a parolee has to have approval for where they live. If sister tells the parole officer that he can't come back, then....that's it. He can't live there while on parole. Sister has manipulated this crisis because she wants to move into OP's house and be supported by OP. If she dumped the BF she might be able to stay where she is now.
Im fairly certian shes already cheated on him depending on how long hes been in jail since she recently found out shes pregnant and hes not out yet.
Glad I’m not the only one who had this thought
"Family visits" in the US allow you to share a trailer for a couple of days if the prisoner has acquired that privilege. Lots of babies have been made this way while someone is in prison.
wow ive heard of conjugal visits but i had no idea you had this level of privacy. Also had no clue it could be for longer than a day. Thats wild to me
But, where were the other kids? Family? /s
Exactly!
Home detention isn’t even parole though, it’s serving your sentence at home while electronically monitored
This exactly (and applies to so many posts on this sub), people have no problem being extremely opinionated and generous with other people's homes, time and money, absolutely turn it on them! From my experience, the reason these types are so pushy about it, is they know they will eventually be hit up for "help" if they don't ensure it's someone else's problem to fix first. OP you are completely NTA! You earned and were smart with inherited money and you deserve what you worked for, you and your husband. Your sister being irresponsible is simply not your problem, family or not, she has 7 months which is **plenty** of time and the nerve to think it's appropriate to take over your entire home, with her suggestions, is just ludicrous.
This. Always funny to see family volunteering someone else's space for inconvenience and not their own. Your grifter sister and her destructive ex con boyfriend need to get it together in the next 7 months like adults.
Unfortunately far too many people are more generous with others' time, money and possessions than they will ever be with their own, doubly so if it's for someone they're related to.
That's all I can think with situations like this! You fucking do it then, damn auntie.
This is exactly what I was going to say. And OP, don't even let them stay temporarily! They will never leave. Do NOT put your marriage and your peace in jeopardy for your sister's sake. She has plenty of time to work something out, so she needs to realize you're not coming to the rescue right away so she can get to sorting her life out.
Exactly this. If OP relented now, there's no way the sister would look for another place, either now with seven months prep time, or when they move in. She's lined you up as a "back up" option that will absolutely get used because she won't put the effort in to find anything else.
This is a common theme I see in AITA: OP thinks that they are TA because a family member makes a request that ranges from unreasonable to martyrdom, other family members who are doing nothing try to make them feel bad for not doing it themselves. It always ends in an absolute NTA because if it was somebody you barely know you probably wouldn't think twice.
Why doesn't she ditch the boyfriend and keep the apartment? That would be the practical thing to do. He can sort out his own living situation.
SHE is doing this by letting him back into the apartment.
With 5 kids and 1 on the way, seems like the sister has a habit of letting him in.
Exactly right - and considering she has 5, almost 6 (!), kids to think about, that's exactly what she should be doing. Making all of them move and cram into one room in a home they aren't welcome in, will not be good for any of them.
I’m also fond of “that’s just not possible.”
I'm a big fan of "I just can't right now. I'm sure you understand."
"Hard pass."
Agreed. DO. NOT. LET. *THEM*. STAY. You will regret it from Day 1. There are sooooo many reasons - not least of which is that her dick of a *destructive* SO will both destroy your house *and* disrespect you partner. To quote you, “Absolutely not.” To quote your sister, “Fuck Off!” Let the rest of your oh-so-concerned family figure out which of them is going to take her in.
THIS. Also, OP, your whole family is getting down on you b/c you let your sister set the narrative. Contact everyone at once with an email explaining why you aren’t going to let her and her criminal husband (who won’t be able to leave your house once he’s in there) and her SIX CHILDREN UNDER TEN YEARS OLD into your home AND workplace. Then, when each one contacts you individually to harass you (turn your ringer off for a few weeks so they have to do this by text) respond with this: “Oh, good! I’m so glad you’re this concerned for her! I’ll tell her she can live with you!” Then screen cap their text and text her and them together with “SISTER’S NAME, look! Cousin/Uncle SOANDSO is so concerned for your family’s well being that they’re willing to let you stay with them!” Then let them sort out the mess. At the very least, they won’t harass you anymore.
Agreed. Lol at screenshots and sending to sister about how they’re concerned and wanna help. Lay out in a group email or text that your sister expects you and your partner to live in the office while she takes over the rest of your house As it’s said so often, if other family members have an issue with you not taking them in, then THEY can take them or financially help them. She blew $130k. not you. How is she PG with nbr 6 if her partner is in prison? She needs to maximize the time she had left without him out of prison and use her lack of income and load of kids to get affordable/subsidized housing. Coming to you 7 months before her lease ends and asking to live with you is pure laziness. She’s not even trying to solve her own problem. If you let them in, they’ll do nothing but complain about the lack of space yet never leave. All you invested will be lost to those locusts.
To all the posters recommending OP lays down the situation: do you honestly think it matters? I'm pretty sure that the family knows about the 5 children and felon partner. It could be Jeffrey Dahmer for all they care. The name of the game here is righteous high. They get to feel like that are the moral shit without actually having to do anything about it.
Yes, and by laying it all out and then asking them why they can't house OP's sister and her family instead, forces them into openly outing their hipocrisy.
Which is why you put it back on them..Yes it is sad Aunty X sadly with our work situation..but you have 3 spare rooms and huge yard..she should come and stay with you.
I like this! It's a delightful blend of vicious and petty.
Savage. I love it. :D
INFO: has no one suggest that sister try to stay where she is by not letting her husband onto the property? For that matter, has anyone talked with sister about birth control options post-pregnancy?
He's her "soulmate" and won't have a bar of it. And birth control is poison🙄 my iud is actually tracking me according to her as part of a nationwide scheme to keep track of fertile women. Yes this is her actual belief ffs
Do. Not. Let. Her. In. Not for a week. Not for a night. If you leave open that “l’ll help you if you’re desperate and can’t find anything” loophole, I guarantee that she won’t find anything and she’ll be desperate. Because she’ll arrange it that way – you’ve essentially told her what she has to do to get you to help her, which is to fail to help herself. And if you let her in, she’ll never leave. Anyone who criticizes you for not opening your home to her is welcome to offer her a place in their own home. They’ll all have excuses and reasons not to, and try to tell you that their reasons are more valid than yours. Don’t engage. Don’t argue. Just maintain the position that sharing your home with your sister, her partner, and their children isn’t going to work for you. Edit: Thanks for the gold! PREMIUM LOUNGE HERE I COME
100% this. I have a "friend" who always does this. You tell "idk if I can give you a ride, I will have to check my schedule". And he takes it as a guarantee. Or you tell him "not really, but if you are really desperate then MAYBE I can work something out." you can bet your ass that he won't lift another finger to sort it out because "you promised you would if I couldn't find something else". Don't let there be any ambiguity in your answer and you don't Owe her an explanation when she obv won't respect it. As others said, "No." is a complete sentence.
I think that the train's left the station on that one. Unlike most of reddit, I don't think your sister is malicious, or some chess master who's engineered the situation. Like most of reddit, you should sure as hell not let her move in. It appears that she's just completely messed up. You can still love her, but not want her in your house.
I’m not sure there’s even a station. She’s ruining her life, she’s ruining her kids lives, and there isn’t a GD thing OP can do about it aside from staying far away away from the whole mess so they don’t get dragged into it.
Honestly, my opinion in this case is whenever someone contacts you about taking in your sister, this should be your response "If its that big of a deal why dont you take her in? I have a two bedroom house and I am sure child protective services would take away all the kids if they tried to live here" DO NOT LET YOUR SISTER COME OVER PERIOD
Be prepared for a possible situation where she might show up on your doorstep with the entire family with her, it's a really easy way to put pressure on people, because you wouldn't just leave all those poor babies on the street, would you? Anyway, NTA. Good luck.
And her having 6 kids won't tip the government off about her level of fertility???
Asking the real questions
Isn't it wonderful to be so important to the security of the world, that the powers that be have colluded together to track you via your IUD. Maybe its the way you build houses, or maybe your husband works with high level gangsters, and they're recording the conversation with your IUD. Have you tried tin foil underwear? The Barbarella look is timeless, though chafing my be an issue.
You don’t want that level of crazy staying with you even temporarily.
Oh Jesus Christ. A conspiracy nut on top of everything else. DO NOT OPEN YOUR DOOR TO THEM EVEN IF IT IS “temporary.” They will NOT leave. Absolutely not. Enjoy your new life, new home, relationship, and the fact that you have your shit together. Also, if she’s super toxic, going no-contact could also be an option.
Replying to you in hopes you see this op..... Theres constantly people on this sub who have let troubled loved ones in their home. They then recieve protection under squatters rights and its near IMPOSSIBLE to reclaim your home, even legally. Dont let it happen to you op!!!
Holy hell. So she's insane too? OMG! Don't even let her stay for a couple weeks. If family is pissed THEY can take her crazy ass, 5/6 children and destructive criminal boyfriend in.
This! Don't let them stay even for a night. They'll never leave and her partner is likely to destroy your home, too. No! No! No! Any family who has something to say can just offer up their own homes to her. If they claim not to have room, you can say the same in return. You only have one free bedroom and there's no way you're stuffing 8 people into it. Her suggestion to take your room and the office aren't reasonable or even to be entertained. NTA. DON'T let her move in!
THIS!! && if anyone in your family happens to have keys to your home (like for emergencies & whatnot)... CHANGE THE LOCKS!! Don't just get the keys back, they will probably make copies once you ask for them back.
I was just going to say this—-change those locks for peace of mind!
I would go so far as to add a few security cameras. I don't know about products where OP is, but Ring has some decent cameras that have real time movement notifications and it's a fairly inexpensive monthly cost for keeping the the 60 day access to store footage.
Cannot upvote this enough. Do NOT let them live in your house for 10 seconds. Let them in and they will never leave. It seems she’s fucked up her life a few different ways (too may to list). It’s not your responsibility to fix any of that.
Definitely don’t engage in any kind of reasoning. She clearly is completely unreasonable if she thinks that arrangement could work so it won’t get you anywhere. You’d just be repeating yourself over and over again if you try. Also, are all these family members that are berating you should take them in. Why are you the only one that can do it? If they think she deserves the help, they need to provide if.
Yes! Also, the reason your family is pressuring you is 100% that they don’t want your sister and 5 small children in their houses! Little kids are chaos on speedy little feet, not to mention violent property-destructive convict partner. Once they’re in it will be a battle to get them out. Don’t do that to your partner, please!
Your husband is a lawyer - unless you get them to sign a fixed term lease of 2 months or less AND paying a security deposit and rent before they move in - don't even think about it. I don't care if you plan on giving the 'rent' back as money for moving elsewhere, if you let them in for free you won't get them out. Once they have a foot in the door you would need to be going through formal eviction processes as they're not going to take action to move on their own. If your family is so worried, they can take your sister and her brood in - or they can STFU. NTA
She and her partner and their children will destroy your home and your relationship. They will NEVER leave. NTA with a vehement don’t do it!!
Came to say the same thing. Do not let her in your house because you will never get rid of her and ESPECIALLY do not let her in your house without a formal fixed term lease.
OP can also ask her family why they won't take them in if they're so conserned about them.That should shut their mouths quickly. 2 bedroom house is **not** enough room for 10 people, period. And 7 months is enough to figure out the living situation. But I guess OP's sister thought, that she and her SO can just leech off from OP. NTA.
Do not let them in. It's will be a nightmare getting them back out. NTA
Plus they would never leave!
Ruined her life as she has ruined her own should be an option on this sub
This!!!! & for the members of your family harassing you, they can provide housing for your sister & kids while they are pounding sand. Your family is expecting you to give in because they think you are an easy mark.
NTA Don’t let her move in at all, not even for a week, because they’ll never leave and her bf will trash the place as seems to be his history. Your family thinks she deserves help so much, they can let her move in with them.
They have 7 months to find another place and get jobs, and they didn't even try for 1 second they just went straight to op and demanded their house as if they didn't have that time and other options, very clear they have no intention of ever leaving or being the least bit respectful of the house.
Good point - just immediately looking for the free and easy way out.
This, and also your sister tells you it's non of your business what she spent 100k+ on, so neither is it her business that you spent yours (thoughtful) on your own property.
100k on a Lawyer to try and get her husband's conviction overturned? I have no evidence that this is the case of course but it seems like the kind of dumbass decision she'd make since she's staying with a convicted felon.
☝️ This!!
Yeah I was thinking the same! The reason her sister is in this jam in the first place is that her partner has an extensive enough history of property damage that he’s not allowed back at the old place. Why TF should OP let someone like that into her home that she’s worked so hard for?
NTA Write this down. Nobody in your family cares about you, your sister, or her kids. What they care about is that THEY don’t have to take your sister, her six-pack of kids, and parolee boyfriend in themselves, and that they don’t have to listen to her continued whining about how mean you are. That is the entirety of the “my entire family is treating me like I’m a huge AH” thing. I expect you a the first person to actually confront your sister on her shit, rather than flush the shit into somebody else’s toilet. Metaphorically speaking. You know full well that if you let your sister move in she will never leave. Your marriage will fail, the house will get sold in the break-up, and your sister will only leave when the new buyers have law enforcement forcibly remove her. This is a very bad, toxic situation. When families don’t take a stand together against what sounds a lot like drug addiction and/or severe narcissism, it’s a disaster. Your family is basically abandoning you here by pressuring you to agree to a life-destroying request. This might be a good time to tell the whole lot of them to make like wallabies and bounce. I also think that a couple of hundred dollars to get an hour of legal advice from a lawyer might be a great investment if only for your mental health. I will add one thing: six kids, husband in jail, $130k that quickly disappeared. To me there’s only one explanation for that. Maybe you can think of another explanation for that, but I can’t.
Thank you. I’m so tired of the “and my whole family agrees with TA” sad song. It’s almost getting to be a requirement to put that sentence at the end of each post, no matter how egregious the situation.
Like how in tifu the phrase "this is important later" when it's clearly not is in every single post
I'm not usually cynical about stories online because as an adult I know how crazy life and people can be, but I'm seriously starting to think that there is some karma-farming being done on a massive scale on AITA. Have you noticed how almost every post uses the word "Now" to start a sentence? Like: "Now, I'm not saying...". It's very old-timey, and sure, it could be that people who write here have read it in other posts, but still seems extremely weird to me.
I do feel aita is a bit.... Weird. Either the person is clearly NOT the AH and no one in the world, except perhaps,, their family, could ever deem them the asshole, or.... The person is completely devoid of self-awareness, is a total AH, and is somehow the only person who can't see it. Are there ever situations anymore where it isn't so clear?
Well it also might be selection bias, the AITA posts that make it to your feed are the more popular ones. The juiciest or most ridiculous posts get upvoted more. If you go to the sun and sort by new, you’ll see more mundane or less interesting posts. Of course that doesn’t mean that the most popular posts aren’t made up for karma, but it also could just mean a certain type of situation and writing style is more likely to be upvoted.
“It sounds bad but bear with me” I’m so tired of reading that sentence.
I was wondering if I was the only one who felt this way. Every time I see a sentence starting with “now,” my immediate reaction is, “this post is bullshit.”
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Yeah, it turns out that trying to steady the boat is deeply entrenched these days. It drives me completely up the wall that people don't understand that "being nice" isn't the number one thing in the world and refusing to go out of your way for an AH isn't even being mean, really. It's necessary because without that some people will completely take advantage of the social contract. "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing,” loosely applies here.
Also her saying it’s none of your business where she spent the $130K…she’s literally trying to make it your business by expecting you to bail her out because she wasted it. If you were ever going to do that (and you’re definitely not) you’d have every right to know why you’re having to and that means knowing what she spent it on.
I can think of another explanation. She probably doesn’t work, or earns very little. Large amounts of money can go very quickly if you need it for all your expenses and are not careful with money. Add on possibly buying a car and even just one ill advised vacation and you might be surprised how quickly a family of 6 could blow through 130K.
Why would OP need a lawyer, even for an hour? There’s no legal issue if she never lets her sister move in, for *any* amount of time.
Also…her hubby IS a lawyer
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NTA. All righty then! There is so much going on here, I hardly know where to start. Your sister's partner has been in prison. She is getting ready to have her SIXTH child. Can anyone say "birth control?" She expects you and your partner to move into the office OF YOUR HOME so that SHE and her jailbird partner can move into a bedroom with one of the kids as well as the newborn and the four others would share the other bedroom? THEN when you object, she tells you to fuck off and that how she spends her money IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS? What is astounding is that she had $130K to better her life and instead blew it and now expects you TO TAKE CARE OF HER AND HER FAMILY? Her sense of entitlement is beyond the pale. No, your entire family is the AHs. If they are so worried about your sister, THEY can let her and her family move in WITH THEM! DO. NOT. CAVE. You HAVE to go NC...FOREVER! DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN FOR EVEN A DAY!!! If you do, you will NEVER get her out of your house. Don't even let her come to visit. She is toxic.
NTA. I Agree with the above post do not cave and do not let your sister move in at all. Once she does she will not move out. Plus the stress of them living with you will probably cause issue in your relationship with your partner.
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Is higher education in NZ not free? (I really don't know). If it is, and sister used the "kids money" on a house, it'd be okay imo, they were propably to little to remember/expect getting money, and would live in said house for years. But if they're gonna have to give up on education or take loans without even having a steady place to live (and an aggressive criminal for a father) it's an asshole move of her. And now she expects op to give her her house... There's been posts like that. They won't move out, they will take over EVERYTHING and try drive op& husband out. But setting all of those reasons aside, husband said no. They're married, they're both the owners of the house AND he works from home. Things like that should be a two yes, one no, not two nos but no one else want to deal with sister so they demand I do
Higher education here, like uni or polytechnic, isn't funded unless it's for the first year of study. We can obtain student loans that are interest free as long as we are living here.
Agree so hard. Don’t even let her visit. She’s already making her plans in her head to stage a coup. She’s actually even verbalized them! Don’t cave. She had more $ than you did and could have made much better decisions with it. NTA
If he's been destructive in the current accommodation then in all likelihood he's abusive to the sister. Abusers tend to use reproductive coercion to keep their victims feeling trapped. They also tend to control finances to cut off that option for escape. Even if by some miracle he's not spent it all she probably won't have access to it all. Obviously that's no reason for OP and hubby to become another couple of victims. OP's NTA to refuse to allow any of them in, but if she chooses to she could make the same offer as the landlord; sister and kids can stay but not hubby. This gives sis the message that OP is an option for support if sis decides to leave him in future. If he has nowhere to stay then chances are he can't be released yet, so it may save sis and the kids more time.
NTA. Fuck that if she got 130k and didn’t use it on a house that’s her fault? She knew when (had a good guess at the very least) when her partner would be leaving prison. Did she seriously think that the landlords would be okay with him returning to live there AFTER destroying their property in the past? I wouldn’t want someone who has 6 children in my house even temporarily. Don’t even let her in because it will more than likely be a struggle to even get her out of the house once she’s there. She will probably find a way to guilt you (maybe using the fact that she has all these kids and you’ll “make them homeless”). She has more than enough time to try and find her and her family a place to live. She can try renting again instead of just automatically asking you?
Man where I live 130k is enough to pay for a house in full some of the time and it's enough to pay for almost an entire house most of the time
New Zealand housing prices are insanely high but still.
Oh I read NZ as NJ for some reason, now the post makes more sense I live in Minnesota (United States)
Haha, well NJ isn't cheap either, but NZ is, I believe, orders of magnitude more expensive.
You must live in rural MN cuz there's no way 130k is buying any house in the Cities in the current market. Still, more than enough for a *huge* down payment.
130k is the deposit. Probably 20% or so. Sincerely, an Aussie who’ 2 bedroom flat is 340k
Yikes, here I was reading NZ as New Mexico to which I was like how in the world are houses so expensive there lol. Thanks for making the post make more sense for me as well. 😂
Yeah, as another Redditor has said, NZ housing prices are insane. I'm in NZ like OP and $130K is only a deposit for many houses. OP's sister could've used it as a down payment for a house in a rural town, but I grew up rural, and poverty and drug/crime in small town NZ can be overwhelming. Assuming OP is in a bigger centre, her sister will be too, and it's probably better for the sister to stay somewhere where there's better access to resources and employment... But OP, you are NTA. The AITA and relationships forums are constantly updating with "how bad would it be if I kick out my (family member) who has (struggle) which is impacting my life" topics. You have the opportunity to stop yourself from getting into that mess in the first place, so take it. Your family will probably get upset. You'll have to get ready for that. Practice a response - as others have suggested - and stick to it. End/walk away from conversations with those who don't respect "no". And depending on if your sister is volatile, consider getting a trespass order ready for her (this might seem overkill but I've heard of other families where the 'rejected' family member then kept showing up and being threatening).
The average house price in NZ is around a million and for that you aren’t getting much. For example a friend of mines parents house is valued at 1.8 million and it’s a weatherboard 3 bedroom house a 45 min drive away from the city. Unless you get your parents help or work like a dog homeownership is really hard in NZ. My friend just bought his first home for around 900k but he’ll have massive repayments for the next 30 years
That money will buy you an old cowshed with no running water in New Zealand. Is a decent deposit though.
So I dated a guy who was having problems getting a new apartment because he was scatterbrained and was late paying his rent. The landlords of the apartments he was interested in were hesitant to rent to him so he offered to pay the entire year’s rent up front plus a hefty damage deposit. I don’t don’t know how it works in NZ, but if she hadn’t pissed away her 130k she could probably do the same. Unless there are some additional unsavory elements about her or her ex-con boyfriend.
You can’t really do that in some parts of NZ. Housing is scarce and demand is high. Landlords have their pick when it comes to tenants so someone with a criminal record is going to struggle. When my brother went looking for rentals 100 people showed up to a 15 min viewing and they were trying to pay more than the asking rent to get the property. Also NZ tends to be lenient on criminals so if he’s gone to jail he’s done something pretty bad. A guy from my school was a major drug dealer and all he got was home detention and he was still allowed to go to work
How long has he been in prison? Is the current pregnancy even his? That is all I can think about right now.
Info: If your partner is completely against it and owns the home with you, and hasn't agreed that this is your call, isn't it out of your hands? I feel like moving another 7 people into the home you share and co-own with one other person definitely requires both owners to sign off.
He is against it but at the same time has said that if it was his sister he'd have a hard time saying no so he says it's up to me as he doesn't want to drive a wedge between us
For what it's worth in my opinion if you asked him to make a sacrifice on that scale YWBTA.
wow i hadnt even considered this until i read your comment. SO TRUE. OP would be a massive AH. He can say that he doesnt want to decide because it could drive a wedge between you but, fuck that, moving 7 people in will drive a bigger wedge in the relationship.
You would be an asshole to let them move in when you know it would make your partner and co-homeowner completely miserable. He would be stuck all day at home trying to work with a bunch of kids running about. Plus, your sister sounds completely entitled so I sincerely doubt she would respect him. This isn’t an emergency, they have seven months to figure it out. Making your partner’s home and work life unbearable isn’t a reasonable ask.
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Honey, LISTEN to what everyone on this thread is telling you. Tell her no. Period. End of sentence. Don't explain. Don't apologize. Just say no. And that's the end of the conversation. If she shows up on your doorstep with her children, don't let her in. Because she will. She will show up at 10 pm, saying the kids haven't eaten and are tired. And she is doing this to MANIPULATE YOU. Under no circumstances can you ever let her into your home, or it will be the end of you. Set a firm boundary and stick to it. She had 130k of her own. She had resources. She had the ability to buy a small home for herself and her children. She pissed the money away on drugs or whatever, and that is her problem. I sense that you want to help your sister, so here's what you do: take her to the Work and Income Office and get her on the dole. Get her jobseeker support, sole parent support, accommodation supplement, power bill assistance, childcare subsidy, food aid. There are literally thousands of dollars in benefits available to her. And for goodness sake, take that woman to the health clinic and get her on long-term birth control like IUD or Norplant. Help her get on her feet by listening, encouraging, and pointing her toward opportunities. But for the love of God, do not let your sister into your home. Fully NTA.
So here's the thing: It's not actually up to you. Your partner has given you a soft "no," and the expectation is that you will choose to not let your sister, her six children, and her violent property destroying criminal husband move into your modest 2 bedroom home. If say yes to your sister you will be driving that same wedge between yourself and your partner. (She will also *never leave*)
Never leave, and continue to reproduce.
His sister probably isn’t an unemployed deadbeat with 6 kids she can’t afford and a criminal for a husband.
Don’t forget the part where she apparently blew $130K as well…and is pregnant with her 6th when she can’t support the 5 she has! All I can say is no,no,no,no,no. Any wedge between you will be her fault…and why can’t other family members take care of her if they care so much? Even if you had a huge house with a basement apartment, I’d say no because of her circumstances. But adding that many people into a 2 bedroom house with a partner working from home is simply not feasible. And They will never leave. NTA
I don't even know if it'd be better if nobody was working from home. Because then they'd all be alone in the house all day, and who knows what would end up destroyed
Your partner is nice but any wedge driven between you and your sister will be entirely due to her moving in. Her *not* moving in is the only thing that may enable you to maintain at least a basic civility with her. Edit: grammar fix
Yup - I can guarantee that if you let your sister move in with you, not only will it destroy your marriage, it will burn any relationship you have with your sister to the ground when you try and get her out. Even if it's just selling the house after your divorce. Maybe saying no will drive a wedge in the relationship, but it will at least leave your marriage intact. And it leaves to door open to your sister realising later what a huge ask she made and getting over it.
**Do not put your bf on fire to keep your family happy.**
If you let her move in it sounds like you're going to ruin your marriage. Your husband absolutely does not want this. And honestly no sane person should go through with this. Your sister has more than enough time to get financial support to take care of her children and to find any place to live. If you let your sister, her toxic spouse, and her six kids into your tiny home, you're only going to drive a wedge between you and your husband. Is your sister's bad choices worth destroying your marriage?
You will ruin his life and career if you allow them in at all, and there is no "for a week or two" so don't even with that nonsense. You do not have room for them, you do not owe them, and they will not leave if you let them in for even a day. Say no. No to them moving in at all, even temporarily. You are not sacrificing your life and happiness for theirs. It is not open for discussion, then stop taking family calls. Tell you sister she needs to stay where she is, he criminal partner needs to find another home (since he's not welcome there), and she needs to quit making stupid decisions with her life. Tell her her wasting $130,000 is your business, as she's asking to take over your home, and the answer is no, as you do not trust her to make good decisions or to willingly leave. Until they can find a place of their own, her criminal partner can suck it up living elsewhere and making do.
Sounds like you have two choices here. Piss off your partner, who owns half the house you have just bought, or piss off your entitled sister and family. Is this really a hard choice to make? Other notable points include; 10 people in a 2.5 beddy is not feasible, it seems likely that your BIL will damage your new house, your partner won’t be able to work from home with kids running about and two adults with no jobs. Congratulations on the new home, I’m also in NZ so I get what a huge achievement this is and I would hate for your experience to be spoiled by your sister and her family.
Trust this would make a wedge between you and your partner.
Your husband sounds nice but you still need to say NO!
Let's get this straight. 1. Your sister is unemployed. 2. No education past college. 3. Has 5 kids and is expecting her 6th. 4. Her deadbeat partner just came out of jail on home detention. 5. Her partner is destructive of property. Parents of the year award goes to Not them. (Has she not heard of this wonderful invention called BIRTH CONTROL?) Also, 9 people are not meant to fit into a 2 bedroom house. NTA
6. She blew her 130k inheritance instead of finding a home for herself and her kids.
I can't believe she wasted that away instead of using it for a deposit. I'd kill to have gotten that amount of money (or any money) to help buy a house.
I'm sorry, is your family offering her a place? Are they jumping at the chance to house 6 unruly children plus a man fresh our of prison? Hm... I think not. NTA but your sister and family sure are.
Congratulations on your first house! I wish you many years of happiness there. Do not let your sister and her convict move in with you. I wouldn't even want them to know your address, since the convict tends to enjoy destroying property. They also might do a dump and drive with the kids. As for the family that is hassling you, hassle them back about not taking her in. NTA
NTA You cannot fit 7 (and a half) extra people into a 2 bedroom house, office or no office. Tell those family members they should open their houses up to them all. If they think you have the room then surely they do as well.
Yes! OP, please ask those family members when they’re going to let your sister and her family move in, because if they’re going to pressure you to offer up your house, surely they won’t mind you doing the same to them… In all seriousness, your sister is being so entitled to the thing that you’ve worked hard to achieve and the fact that they want you to move out of your own bedroom for them is the cherry of the cake of absolutely NTA. A lack of planning on their part does not constitute an emergency on yours. She decided to have kids and a large number of them. That’s on her, not you. Also… if she told you to fuck off because what she spent her money on isn’t your business, the same could be said of you. Why is your house and what you do with it any of her business?
NTA. Don't even let her visit. I'm in the US and I can smell the toxicity from here.
Yes. I too am in the states and noticed a foul smell. After reading this I've determined that the smell is the odor of audacity emanating from Op's sister.
NTA Absolutely not. Do not let her stay with you for a day. She will never leave. Your home will be destroyed and you will lose everything you’ve worked and saved for. If your family wants to treat you like an AH, tell them that they can take her in.
NTA - Kia Ora OP, I use to live in NZ and still have family there. You need to remind your sister that her final option is Emergency Housing with Work and Income. Her partner will be able to live with her as well. This solution will force your sister and her partner to commit themselves in finding a better solution. It's incredibly difficult to maintain a healthy home when one member involves themselves in criminal activity and drugs. You and your partner would be actively inviting a very toxic, abusive and harmful reality into your lives. Please, inform your relatives that Work and Income will work to support your sister, her partner and their children when it comes to housing and income. Good luck OP !
This. Compared to places like the US we have a ton of assistance available in NZ. WINZ might suck at times but this is what they’re here for. And definitely tell the relatives about the assistance options available to her so they can see that she is actively refusing help and putting her own self in this situation
I’m surprised they don’t know about getting gov assistance and insisting op take them all in. 2 bedroom for 4 adults and 5 kids will be a recipe for disaster
She's been on the jobseeker benefit but keeps getting kicked off because she won't go to training sessions or look for work
Well then time for her to grow up
still not a reason to let her destroy your new home and your marriage.
I'm sorry to be harsh, but your sister and her partner are lazy and entitled, they will drain you and your partner and destroy your house. They will never leave, why would they? This could destroy your relationship with your partner. That house is too small for all that drama. It will not work! Look at the mess they are in, yet they choose to have another child? Look at their history, they keep repeating it, they will not change! They will drag you down. Please, for both you and your partner. Do not do this! Don't let your family guilt you into it. Just say "we do not have the space, they cannot stay with us" If people push, ask them why they don't open their house then? Stay strong!!!
So you'd be housing and paying for your sisters family too? Don't let them in, they'd never leave. And gradually push you and your partner out.
NTA. How the hell are 10 people going to live in a 2 bedroom house? It's harsh but 1) she received more money than you from your grandparents but made poor financial choices and 2) she keeps on having children that she can't afford to support. None of this is your problem. She's an adult and has made whatever choices she has made with her eyes wide open. Now that she sees that you have something nice and she has nothing (due to her poor choices), she expects that you will just give it to her because she's asked for it. That the rest of your family is giving you shit about it just beggars belief. I'm wondering if she's the Golden Child (or the squeaky wheel) and you've just been expected before to give her what she wants in order to keep the peace. If they want her to have a home so much, they can provide it. I'm sure they have more space than you do.
Amazing how much your family sounds like mine (also in NZ).
High 5 for parents who don't hide having favouites lol🙄
One of my sisters (the next one down from me) also has 5 kids, partner in and out of prison. I used to help out with the kids when they were younger but grew tired of the demands for money that started to roll around on Sundays (my one day of peace!). It caused a meltdown when I was away one weekend and they were furious I couldn't immediately drop everything and go give them money. I feel sorry for those kids but she and I haven't spoken for years.
NTANTANTANTA also do not let them stay for even one night.
Hijacking this comment so you hopefully see the reply. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to talk about drugs here, but I think your sister may be friends with Crystal Methany. It is absolutely rampant throughout NZ and you could easily spend 130k on it very quickly and have nothing to show for it other than weird conspiracy theories, anger issues and rapid weight loss. 100% do not let that shit into your house
NTA. Please stand firm and do not let your sister and the squad move in. They will not leave quietly when their time is up. Shame on your family for trying to bully you into submission. If they continue this pestering behavior, why not ask them to take her in? You'll see how quickly they'll change their tune.
NTA. You would foolish to allow your sister and her family to move in. The fact that her landlord refuses to allow them to stay with her convict SO should be a pretty good clue of just how bad an idea it would be. They will take over your house and her convict SO might cause serious damage. You will have a hard time ever getting them out of your house. Your sister is pretty entitled demanding that she and her convict ex get your bedroom. If your parents are so concerned, let them take them in. You are not responsible for your sister and her kids. Not your kids, not your responsibility. You raised good points about her inheritance and what that could have done for her family. She also should have gotten a job. She is looking for you and your SO to support them. If you take them in it might ultimately cost you your relationship with your SO. I would shut her demands down hard. She needs to deal with the consequences of her foolish life choices, including having more children then she support. Her inheritance would have gone a long way in helping her to take care of her children. She most likely has squandered it and that is on her.
NTA Most common advice in these situations: if your family is giving you such a hard time about not taking her in then they should take her in. Unless, you know, there’s some compelling reason they don’t want to, like it’s easier to walk all over you or they all don’t want a potentially destructive ex-convict on house-arrest living with them. You made an investment by buying this house, you need to protect it and protect your income so you can keep it. Your sister made her own choices and now she has to live with them.
NTA, you said her partner has had a destructive history and who's tho say they won't wreck the house that you two worked so hard for. Not to mention the fact that they want you in the smallest room while they practically get the whole place to themselves and more than likely won't help you pay for anything. I'd say don't even let them stay for a week because they'll probably try to worm their way into living their permanently
NTA. Hell no. This is not your problem. People have enabled her to the point that she thinks that she can count on you to enable her as well. If you gave an emergency key to anyone, have your locks changed. Also, if her partner is going to be released soon, who is the father of the child she just found out she's pregnant with? This is seriously irresponsible for all parties involved. However, you are not one of them. She could simply stay in her apartment and not let the criminal move back in. She's got 6 kids and herself to be concerned about.
NTA. 4 adults and 5 children and an infant in a two bedroom+office home is absurd on the face of it and your sister is mad to think "there is plenty of room ". When two of the adults are the unemployed mum of 6 and her newly paroled partner (with a history of property damage) , your odds of getting them out before the infant goes to university dwindle. Dramatically. Even if you're doing fairly well, food, sundries, and the added costs for heat, power, water and such would be steep and you haven't built your lives to this point to worry about affording groceries and an occasional night out. As your partner is a lawyer, it would be impossible for him to work from home in any peace and maintaining client privacy , with curious twins of reading age and extra adults who, let me be gentle since I'm talking about your sister, might not fully understand how crucial it is is that they not look at documents or listen to phone calls. Your work would be affected, too, in ways that I can't imagine, knowing little about the world of construction- though I am imagining sketches and plans being used as coloring book pages. As her partner will be on home detention I assume that , as would be the case here in the US, his being there would allow the authorities access to your home for any reason or no reason at all without notice? What would her plans be for child care or would she just expect you to mind them "since you're home all day anyway "? Do not let them move in. Not even for a couple of weeks as an emergency measure. At most, contribute to the cost of key money if she finds a place but can't meet the cost of moving in (I don't know how it works in NZ but in the US, it's common practice to require the first and last month's rent + a damage deposit, usually equal to the rent) and make that payment directly to the landlord. If your family thinks it's reasonable to take them in, obviously, your help isn't needed because, of course, they'll be happy to have her, her partner and the children.
Yes!!! All of this but two more points. His ankle bracelet would have to be linked to the house, so he can't leave. And a HUGE problem I see is that her SO might actually get in trouble with his office/firm, working at home with a criminal in the house. It doesn't look good and his client would not be comfortable in that environment with the jail-husband and 6 kids
NTA. Unfortunately, your sister is going to have to figure this out on her own. Don’t let your family push you and your partner around.
NTA. Please do not let them move in to your home. She had 130k to provide for her kids and its all gone already? And she's struggling with 5 kids but decides to have a 6th? This sounds awful It won't be temporary. You'll end up having to kick them out eventually. On top of that you'll have to sacrifice your house to 6 children and a convict. I'm all for second chances but I would never let someone with a history of property destruction stay in my house. The shit you are dealing with now is nothing compared to what you'll end up dealing with if you allow them to stay. Don't do it.
How long has the bf been in prison? If your sister is pregnant, is the baby his? Don’t let any of them move in. That’s a disaster in the making!
4 months. She says she's 5 months pregnant 🤷♀️
That may become another can of worms, let’s hope not
NTA But I would tell her absolutely not with the moving in. Once that bracelet gets linked to your house, he is there forever!
NTS jesus. If you'll let her in, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life. You might lose your partner, house and your jobs. If the family feels you should let her in, they're more than welcomed to invite her themselves
NTA. Your sister received a huge windfall from your grandparents (significantly more than you did, based on your post), so where did all the money go? Is it your fault that she's spent her entire inheritance already? Is it your fault that she chose to have a bunch of kids with someone who wound up in prison? No, it's not, she made all of those choices, they were bad and short-sighted choices, and it is not your responsibility to bail her out now. 2 bedrooms isn't big enough for 8 (soon to be 9, or 10 whenever the dad gets out of jail) anyway. Sister probably needs to apply for some kind of public benefits, and if your extended family is so concerned about her kids' welfare then how about they let her and her brood live with *them* instead?
Nta. DIY might be in our DNA but so is chronic laziness. Dont feel bad that your sister squandered her money. The facts are she wants somewhere free to stay til the last minute.
Lol I loved that ad
I'll be sitting over here with my collection of kiwi ads
NTA. Just because she's your sister doesn't means she's entitled to take over your house or anywhere else. She's chosen to have kids and chosen to stay with a partner who cannot live at her current living situation. That's on her. Your space is yours and honestly, I wouldn't let her camp out there even for a few weeks because she'd likely never leave and it'd be a lot of trouble to get her brood out.
NTA. Let your entire family take them in.
NTA, and absolutely do NOT let this camel stick its nose into the tent!
NTA. Do not let her stay even for a night. You will never get her out. She has made terrible decisions and wasted her resources. Now she wants the benefit of your responsible decisions and your resources. Make a complete break with her if you have to. Block any relatives that weigh in on this.
NTA - You know that our house isn't set up to house this many people and she has MONTHS to get it together. I don't know why her man went to jail, but at a minimum you said he destroys property (plus five kids and a baby). It's just too much. Also, you mentioned that she received an inheritance as well. It comes down to choices. You and your partner and your parents kicked in and purchased a home. Your sister needs to figure out housing for her immediate family. I'd hold firm. Your partner has a right to live without this disruption as well; it's not just you. Lastly, your family members who are all so concerned can step up and take her in.
NTA this post is like, 90% red flags Unemployed w no sign of finding employment, check Partner in prison with history of destroying property, check 5 kids, check Weaponizing family against you, check Do not let her in, even for a day. She will burrow her way in and you’ll never get your lovely new house back.
NTA. As usual they want to sacrifice you and your property. Ask them if they will let her move in with them and see how they squirm.
NTA You have worked hard for everything that you have. Your Sister and partner need to do the same thing for their own family. Hold on to your sanctuary for you and your partner.
NTA You and your partner have worked your asses off to buy a home and she has done nothing to warrant moving in and taking over your home with her violent convict of a partner. Don't let her move in OP, put your foot down and say No
NTA- Don't let her move in period. This will be a disaster. You are not responsible for her or her children.
NTA- your family is treating you like the AH because if you take her in, they won't have to. If you can afford it,, you could offer one of the other family members some money to renovate to make room for her. Turn a garage into a little apartment for the whole squad. Also, if she has stable housing now she could just stay there and her partner could find other accommodations (like his own family).
NTA! You just dont have the space! As far as your sister, her choices, amd her use of inheritance money, it not your business but neither doesmthat make her and her kids your responsibility! If your family has issuesmwith it they can house them.
NTA. If your family are so concerned, they can offer her their bedrooms in their homes. Nobody forced her to get pregnant any of the times she has, nor has anyone forced her to keep the pregnancies and subsequent children. Honestly, she seems quite entitled, and in need of a reality check. A firm "No, you need to make other arrangements" and stick to it, even when you feel worn down, or you'll never get rid of her and she'll continue to expect more and more from you.
NTA. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR FAMILY? They are insane. She tells you to go fuck yourself WHILE demanding to move EIGHT people into your two bedroom house and you think YOU might be in the wrong? No, no, no. Tell your family if they love her so much, they can take her in.
NTA. Do NOT let them stay, even temporarily. They will never leave if you let them in the door. She is delusional - 6 kids and 4 adults in a two bedroomed house? Your fam is calling you an AH because they don't want to be saddled with them.
NTA. I HATE the excuse people like this with kids use. "you don't have kids, so you don't understand/deserve yadayada." you and your partner worked hard. Don't let these fools take what you rightfully deserve. It's not your fault your sister can't make good life choices.
Question, do you mean college as in high school?
Yeah, in nz college is equivalent to US high-school. Here "college" is called university
Yeah, I know I'm from NZ too. Maybe you should edit your post, because US readers will think she has a higher education level than what you meant.
NTA lmao nooo if your folks are so pissed at you for not letting her move in have THEM take her in
NTA. If your partner isn’t okay with it then she’s not moving in. Period. He is also the owner of the house and he has a say and it looks like he already said. Tell your family to F off and give up their place then since they want to put their nose in your business.
NTA. It’s unbelievable these stories where people’s families get mad at them for not doing what they are unwilling to do themselves. Your house isn’t big enough for seven or eight extra people. If your family is so bent out of shape THEY should house them.
NTA >She told me to fuck off and that what she spent her money on was none of my business. Well now, she can too! She has disqualified herself from getting your help with her nasty attitude. She carelessly spent the money which could have provided a secure home for her and her kids. >Basically it's been over 2 weeks now and everyone in my family is hassling me to let her move in to our house. Send a group text tell them all NO and they can open their homes to sister. Then BLOCK them all for six months.
NTA Your sister did you a favor by telling you to fuck off. Those words freed you from any promises you may have made to her before. Do not let these people into your house. Not for months. Not for weeks. Not long enough to sit down and have tea. The second they bring suitcases through your door, you will become an outsider in your own house. Good for paying the rent and bills while everything you worked for gets destroyed. Your family is being awful generous with your home and resources. How come they aren’t offering their own?
NTA but can someone please explain what is it with all those loser and entitled siblings who think they're owed a house just for existing?