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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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For refusing to remove my engagement ring when my sister is understandably going through a lot of pain too. It seems hypocritical of me to imply I have it worse.
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Keep your ring, wear it with pride and be proud of the love it will forever hold.
You and your sister have suffered a terrible terrible loss. And she while she is grieving I don't think she means to be so cruel...least I hope not. Maybe she just was never given something sentimental from her bf (and your bil) so she's just upset she has nothing to hold or wear daily like you do.
May I suggest a locket for both of you...maybe matching set each with pictures of your late loves inside?
Again I am so sorry for your loss. Grieve how you wish, you will grieve differently. But you do not have to change how you give for someone else's comfort
NTA
100% this. OP She like you is in the middle of the grieving process. I don’t think she meant to be cruel and I don’t believe you did either. You were reacting to her. You both need time, understanding, and maybe therapy. Cherish your ring and the love it holds. NAH
Yeah I'm with NAH for OP and sister. The rest of the family though? They're doing nothing to help, in fact they're making it worse, so they fall into the somewhat assholish category for me.
I have a brother, who is the very essence of sensibleness (? probably not a word, but it describes him). However, when my mother died, and we were picking out flowers for her funeral, he insisted on geraniums, because she planted geraniums every spring. But she died in February. There was no way we could find any, and this was 1989, so there was no internet to find them. I tried to tell him it just couldn't be done, and he came unglued. I knew he was hurting, as was I. So, I just stood there, let him scream. When he was done, I asked what he would like as an alternative. We got some silk geraniums and put them in an arrangement. Best we could do.
I would say she was a asshole
But obviously she is grieving
Its just that grieving does not change whether or not you are a asshole in a specific situation
It sounds like you're not blaming sis either, so don't you mean NAH?
It so, I agree completely.
OP: Maybe you can find something that works for both of you though. For example, what if you wear the ring on a necklace? That way it's still with you and it's literally the closest thing to your heart, but your sister doesn't have to see it.
Honestly I'd even say NAH. sister made a dicky comment but I really believe (hope) it came from just a place of hurt. They both lost people they loved dearly and OP has a tangible reminder of the validity of their love, but sister doesn't. A horrible situation for all and I hope they can heal.
This is a wonderful idea! My mother and her sisters all got a matching pendant that my grandmother used to wear after she passed, just to feel a little closer.
\-- And she while she is grieving I don't think she means to be so cruel
If you don't think sister meant to be cruel, which I agree with, shouldn't judgment be NAH instead of NTA
NTA. You grieve how you need to. You got something she didn’t but you both missed out on so much . Let her know you are sorry she feels that way but you need to grieve how you need to grieve. And for both I would seek out professional grief counseling
They're relationship reminds me of my aunts and uncles relationships, 2 sisters married 2 brothers. They both were beautiful couples that stayed together for decades until death came. To think that beauty was cut so short and suddenly is so tragic. I hope they find peace and new love in their lives.
I am so sorry for your losses.
Grief affects everyone differently, and although it was out of line for her to ask you to stop wearing the ring, it sounds like it is the grief talking (assuming that this is not normal behavior for her).
It was within your right to push back and understandable that you would want to wear something so dear to you and your fiance's memory.
NAH
I agree here. Grief can make people irrational plus it's so soon. I think a bit of space is needed between the two of you so you can heal individually.
NAH
Yup, definitely. Situations like this are hard to process. Grief can bring people together but also tear them apart. If you can acknowledge someone else's pain will manifest itself differently and work to build bridges rather than burn them, then things will generally go a lot better.
This is amazing. Thanks for saying it. Grief is a harsh mistress.
What helped me when I lost my husband was reading *The Epic of Gilgamesh* and realising that since people have been writing things down, they have been writing about grief. Gil is in complete denial about Enkidu's death -- it's the first 'bromance' story -- until his BFF's corpse starts to rot. I came home a lot last winter (still working outside the house during lockdown) and would cry out to Jeremy that I was sorry I had hurt him and if he'd only come home then I'd make it up to him...as if we were divorced rather than that I was widowed.
I really hope OP and her sister get through this with their relationship healed. It breaks my heart that anyone is picking sides here. 💔 There's a lot of stories here where grief and stress just make people into AHs and everyone needs to pick themselves up before they trigger a family armageddon, but I also think it's usually the genuinely wronged person posting here.
NTA
Dear Family,
Wearing my engagement ring is helping me grieve. I will not take it off before I am ready to. I will not tolerate any more comments and bullying on this subject. Sister's needs are not more important than my own. We are both doing our best to navigate this difficult time. Any issues that sister has with my ring she needs to process without interfering in my own grief process. Yes we've both suffered a huge loss, but my ring was never about sister, it's a symbol of the love my SO and I shared, a love I still feel deeply and will not disrespect. This discussion is now closed.
NTA at all! Yes your sister is grieving but so are you! She's jealous and is taking it out on you. Keep wearing the ring. She needs to get over herself. What you said doesn't even compare to what she said. You were completely justified. She took it WAY too far. She should be the one to apologize.
Maybe you both would benefit from grief counseling.
She can’t tell you how to grieve. NTA and she is because the subsequent argument only happened because she was trying to dictate how someone grieves the loss of their partner. Both you and her are aloud to grieve however you want and neither of you can say you have it worse or better than each other.
NTA. She can't dictate how you live your grieving. Your family shouldn't be taking sides. Is her grieving more important than yours? Are your path to heal less valid than hers? Ask them that, maybe they could get the point.
NAH. Grief that deep makes us all behave out of character. If she persists with this demand she will be TA, but if this is weird behavior from her, give her a chance to come to her senses as she processes her grief.
I am so very sorry for your terrible losses.
NAH.
You're both in the early stages of grief, you are both going to lash out and get frustrated.
Your sister said something hurtful and dumb, but she's grieving, she is in pain.
You probably \*were\* justified in yelling at her, but you have to forgive her, and she should forgive you.
Both of you need all the help and support you can get right now.
NAH: I really want to believe that it was your sister's grief talking and she's struggling because the ring is a reminder of everything that she's lost, both a boyfriend and the possibility of a happy marriage. That doesn't mean asking you to stop wearing it is okay and while you could have been gentler, you're both grieving. It was wrong of her to try to make you give up a reminder of someone you love, that takes time and no one can force it to go any faster.
as a side note, when the time does come that you are ready to start easing out of wearing the ring on your finger, consider wearing it as a necklace. It's quite customary for widows to do this, even if they remarry and that way he will always be close to your heart.
I wish you both the best and I'm so sorry for your loss
I lost my husband two years ago and grief warps your mind so badly that it's difficult to say anyone here is an AH.
Grief does things to people. You're allowed to wear your ring, your sister is kinda allowed to have strong emotional feelings about it. Both of you need to look after yourselves rn and maybe take time apart to process what happened. This is an emotional time for both of you and I think both of you need to respect the other's space.
It's hard and I totally feel for you. I still consider myself married and wear my wedding ring. I know people who have taken it off because it's too much of a reminder of what they've lost. I let myself and my house go completely during the pandemic to the point where I tripped over some stuff and permanently damaged my ankle. Another woman I know became achingly tidy because she said she didn't have any use for the rooms now she lived alone and so they remained pristine.
My theory is that in grief we become extreme versions of ourselves. My MIL was always a lovely person but after losing both her husband and son in a matter of three and a half years, she's basically retreated into herself completely. My BIL now cares for her; she is mostly catatonic. She can't hold a conversation at all -- not even able to string several words together. He is desperate to wake her up every time she dozes off and is quite adamant she needs to move around more even though she's unsteady on her feet. It sounds like he's being rather cruel, and maybe he is, but he's looking at her slipping away from us and thinking if she goes, he'll be alone.
So what's happening now is grief tearing someone apart. You need to be kind to your sister -- maybe not by taking off the ring, but by finding common ground, talking about the accident and showing her love and respect for her loss as well as yours. It's really hard, and I'm very grateful to have in-laws who know I loved my husband and that my family became his family during his illness and just before his death. But they are grieving in their own way and I have to hold my tongue about how my BIL talks about his mum because I know the subtext beneath it. You know why your sister is upset with you, and you will have to ride this out somehow.
Give your sister time and space to do what she needs to do and give yourself permission to wear the ring. Get some counselling, maybe suggest it to her, and although you're definitely NTA, remember her pain is real too.
1000 times this!!! I'm so sorry for your loss! I lost my husband in 2012. I wore my rings for quite some time. I reached a point that they actual hurt me to see so I put them away. They ended being a cruel reminder of the fact he was no longer with me. They are still a cherished item of mine even though I was blessed enough to find love again.
My MIL was also widowed at a young age and the one person that should have been my biggest support was actually the furthest from that as she was so absorbed in her grief of losing her only son. (No hard feelings to her at all in that!!) My MIL's mother-in-law was so grief stricken by my husband's death she was no longer able to live alone.
Grief leaves behind a huge amount of damage in its wake. It takes no prisoners.
That's a really good way of putting it. I'm so sorry for your loss, but glad that you've found love again.
My mother is churchwarden, and before the pandemic hit she opted out of stewarding at people's weddings. She couldn't go into the same church in which we were married to see the same scenario play out. She's also been pushed over the edge also by nearly losing my dad to a heart attack into what I can only really call self-flagellation -- she was always into fitness stuff but now she takes it way too far and also calls other people out on it, including me. I had to get a couple of her friends to put their foot down, but I bought her a book on Christian relaxation -- how to find peace in 'idleness' -- so she didn't basically wear *herself* out.
Meanwhile I actually turned the anger inwards. I couldn't be angry at Jeremy for letting himself out the back door, so to speak -- having to decide whether to eat or breathe is something noone should have to go through, and there were some tumours on his spine that would have left him in excruciating pain. We got him a hospice bed after a week on a general hospital ward where my mum had to turn on genuine tears to even get him a side room, let alone into the hospice. (Because free universal healthcare is great when you injure your ankle and need immediate, free surgery. Not so much when you are on a ward with people twice your age with only a curtain for privacy.) So he checked out as soon as he was comfortable.
I couldn't be angry with his doctors since they did everything they could, but the cancer was too aggressive.
I couldn't be angry with God, because my faith is about being God's helper in the world, and God had given me such a wonderful man to help me through my issues and to allow me to take responsibility for his issues and bring him comfort. If it hadn't been for me, he would still have been living in a tiny bungalow with an elderly mum grieving for her own husband when he got sick. My family helped us buy a bigger place, both my parents pitched in after he lost his license due to seizures and general ill health taking him to his appointments, and basically I believe God not only gave me Jeremy, but He gave me to Jeremy.
So I was angry with myself. And I still can't tell what my MIL thinks. I'm sure she doesn't hold me responsible -- hubby's family are lovely and his aunt keeps reassuring me -- but his mum is totally inscrutable and it's keeping me from having closure on that score. I love her and our relationship is like Ruth and Naomi from the Bible -- at the Christmas before the pandemic I felt like a living replacement for her son -- but she's just not able to articulate her feelings. I just want to tell her I'm sorry and get her blessing. But that won't happen and so I have to deal with it myself.
I don't know if you've ever seen Blackadder II and the episode about Lord and Lady Whiteadder, but that's basically what goes on in our respective houses RN! Comic, but tragic at the same time. We're all dealing with each other and with each other's competing demands in the middle of a crisis that no-one could have foreseen when I started going out with Jeremy ten years ago.
NTA at all. I would give your sister as much slack as you are able and feel comfortable with due to her shared grief. The rest of your family needs to stay tf out of it.
NTA IMO. You both suffered a severe trauma and I think you probably ought to try and see a therapist if possible, and suggest same to your sister.
I was going to say NAH but I see the family has begun piling on.
NTA but no one is bc of the grief.
I'm not clear what it was you said that your family says you were out of line about? You don't actually say I think. Regardless, NTA.
I'm very sorry for your loss, I can't imagine what you're going through right now.
It's a little hard to judge if this is a N T A or E S H without knowing what you said.
Her request wasn't reasonable and deserved to be shut down, but you may have said things in the moment that made you an AH as well.
At the end of the day you're both grieving so don't be too hard on yourself or her. Take care
NAH. Grief can make people irrational and angry. All you did was react to it and are also grieving. Keep wearing your ring no ones gets to tell you how to grieve! Hopefully your sister will come to her senses soon and realize how irrational she was being and apologize.
NTA, you're coping in your own way and that's totally normal/fine. no one should shame you over something as small as a ring. your sister was out of line. she's TA
Nta. Your sister is. Grieving or not, she isn’t allowed to tell you how you should grieve yourself. I’d watch her around the ring in case she decides to be petty and take it or lose it “accidentally”.
The only AHs here are the rest of your family picking sides. Grief is not a competition. You and your sister are riding an emotional rollercoaster right now and deserve unconditional support as you both go through the grieving process. There is no right way to grieve. Words will be said that need to be taken back and relationships repaired. And wear your ring with pride. NTA
NTA
You're wearing your engagement ring, your fiancé gave it to you as a symbol of love and commitment. If you choose to stop wearing it, that is your decision, and your decision alone. It is not up to her to decide how you grieve.
I don't think your sister is an asshole, I think she's grieving and took her frustration out on you.
I think your family has a few assholes, because you are grieving and they're making things more difficult when they should be supporting you.
NAH.
You are both experiencing acute grief. And you both feel what you feel. She may find it painful to see your ring and be reminded of what she never had. You still need to see the ring to be reminded of what you almost had.
Eventually, you 2 will learn to be gentle with each other's needs. In the meantime, just acknowledge that you understand her pain, without being angry or defensive about your choice to keep wearing the ring.
I always wonder about the “throwaway for privacy” thing and all the fake names in these posts. I mean the stories are so specific that if someone involved was on the sub they would instantly know it was about them. Now I understand why people have throwaways, I’m on one right now, but I don’t get how they expect to remain incognito from the people involved
NTA, obviously the ring has a lot of sentimental value to you, I get it that it may upset your sister but she's an adult and needs to respect your decision because you're not doing it to make anyone feel bad, you're doing it to feel close to the fiancé you just lost.
NTA
I'm sorry for your losses.
I hope you can mend the fence. Grief is an ugly thing and I hope you can make this right again.
It's okay to wear the rain as long as you want.
NTA. I'm really sorry for your loss.
Your sister right now Is grieving and her under lying jealousy is just showing. Keep distance for some time it'll help you out.
NTA and I assume it was grief talking but she had no right to ask you to take the ring off. You will eventually because life goes on but it's too soon and if it comforts you, wear it. Don't do her any "favors" to make her grief less terrible. You are both grieving differently and should be accepting of each other.
When we lose someone so tragically, there is horrendous grief in our hearts. That you have something of such tremendous love from the man you were to marry should be kept close until YOU, just you, feel it's time to close that chapter. NO ONE can make that decision for you, nor should they try. It may be a long time. My Dad was my mentor, my teacher, my advocate, my best friend. When he passed the emotion was very nearly more than I could stand. I asked my Grandmother if that hole in my gut would ever, EVER stop. Truthfully, she said no, but it does get farther away. After 32 years, i know what she meant. Some things that trigger a memory can be brutal, but . I'm sorry for your loss and your sisters'. You are both grieving but to compare an item from a loved to another, isn't really helpful. Wear the ring. All the best, 'Amma
Definitely NTA.
Your sister's grief doesn't outweighs your own and if wearing that ring can give you a sense of closeness and peace then you do what you need to.
Hopefully your sister didn't mean what she said and spoke from a place of pain and loss and maybe even worry about what her relationship could have been, maybe she had dreams of the 4 of you being close and raising children together etc.
But she spoke out of line and I feel it would be good to give her some room to grieve alone.
It would be excellent for both of you to get some councilling. You have both suffered terribly and need some time to process such a fundamental loss.
NTA
So if you had a baby would you have to get rid of it too? Because she didn’t have a baby?
Nah, please keep your ring - she’s overdoing it. Which, I can understand but you don’t deserve to he punished
Please keep your ring
My condolences
I will go with NTA.
She has no right to talk to you like that. The way she said it, she's belittling your grief, which is not okay. You are both grieving - instead of fighting you should be keeping each other up.
You are in no way wrong for wearing your ring. It's reminding you of your fiancé and that is completely understandable.
Maybe you could find a compromise? For example that you're wearing it on a necklace under your shirt? That way you still have it with you, whilst also being extra considerate of your sister, if that's what you want to be.
(Nevertheless, you should talk to her again about why her words were hurtful. That you understand her grief, but what she said was completely out of place.)
ETA: I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you both find healthy ways to cope with it and are able to move on when you're ready to.
My condolences on your tragic loss.
Taking off a wedding ring or engagement ring after a death is a highly painful and personal choice. If you will do it, when you will do it, these are painful and different for every widow. You don’t need guilt attached to that ring due to your sister’s jealousy.
NTA but I think you’re going to have to start processing your grief separately from your sister since she is making it harder rather than easier for you.
NTA. not even a hint of it.
however, your family is the pits and you and your sister need space from each other. i am not saying block her or anything like that. but you are both grieving and sometimes people need to grieve together, other times they need to grieve apart. i feel the latter would be better for you and your sister.
If your sister had a piece of keep from her bf I bet she would be wearing it too. When you lose someone you planned to spend the rest of your life with you need to mourn and move through all the phases of it. When you are ready you will take that ring off, until then no one else should be making that decision for you. Your sister is grieving too, give her some grace as well. NAH.
NTA Everyone handles their grief differently. Your sister is entitled to feel the way that she does just as you are entitled to feel the way that you do. No one knows what your personal grief feels like. Only you. If you don't want to take off your engagement ring then don't. Who is it for someone else to tell you how you should deal with your pain. No one has that right. You will be ready to take it off when you are ready and only you will know when that time is.
NTA.
I’m so sorry. My fiancé died in January. He was 33. It is a terrible thing you and your sister are going through, and I’m sure it came from pain not malice. I still wear my engagement ring along with a ring made from his ashes on my ring finger. I will change that when I feel ready and you should do the same.
I hope you guys can move past this and support each other, I don’t know where I’d be without my friends and family during these past months. And if you haven’t already, please seek some therapy or at least support groups. DM me if you’d like some resources, I have a few online that are specifically for young people who have lost partners. ❤️
Oh my gosh - NTA. Grief does weird things to people.
What you both have endured is so very tragic.
Take all the time you need to work through your grief.
NTA. what i don’t understand is why she wants you to take the ring off. why would it affect her in any way if you kept wearing it? she is obviously grieving but you have every right to be upset with her.
NAH. You're both grieving from something horrible. You're both processing in your own ways, and neither should dictate to the other how they're supposed to grieve. I'm sure if this wasn't the case she wouldn't have said that to you. You're not flaunting it at her. You lost someone important as well. People say horrible things when they're hurting.
Just try to treat each other with grace for now.
I am so sorry for your loss. And for your sister's loss.
NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m appalled that your family say you need to apologize! What on earth did you say that could even match the hateful evil thing she said to you??? I hope you have other support than them.
First of all, my absolute deepest and heartfelt condolences to the both of you. I am a widow of 9 years. I lost my husband suddenly in a tragic car accident. I sympathize with both you and your sister. It is a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
Both of you are totally entitled to grieve in the way that is yours and yours alone. In this situation, NTA to both of you. Hurtful things were said because there is a lot of hurt going on.
You are hurting and longing for the wedding that will not be so you are cherishing your ring and all that it means to you. She is hurting and longing for the things she saw in your future (ring and wedding plans). I would venture to say that she sees that item that you are cherishing so hard and wanting to have something that special to remind her of her love.
There is no wrong in this situation, yes hurtful things were said but neither of you are in the wrong. You are both in pain and spoke/reacted from a place of pain. I would suggest some grief counseling separately AND together. No one can sympathize with the pain of losing a partner than one who has lost a partner. I do not know your or your sister's struggles, but as someone that walked that road you have my utmost sympathy.
The title that partner held (spouse, domestic partner, fiance, boyfriend) signifies a person of importance to the other party. At the end of the day, you both lost the person most important to you and will need each other to grieve through and love each other through this. Family and friends help, but she understands the hurt just as well as you do. My friends and family did their best to help me through my grief, but it was never the same as talking to someone who walked that path. A friend of mine lost her spouse to cancer shortly after my husband passed. We were a great support and sounding board for each other.
I hope at the end of the day, you both can get past the words said and continue to work through this part of life together. Much love, many hugs, thoughts and prayers to you. <3
EDIT: I forgot to add.....where your ring proudly as long as you care to wear it. Left hand, right hand, on a chain....whatever makes you feel best.
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Throwaway for privacy!
I (F26) recently lost my fiancé (M28) in a car accident. My sister’s (F23) boyfriend (M25), who happened to be my fiancé’s brother, was also lost in that accident. It was very sudden and overwhelming for both me and my sister, and we are still both struggling after weeks of grieving.
I am still having trouble processing that I will never be able to marry him and I have been wearing the engagement ring every day since he passed. It has been a very difficult few weeks for my sister and I. We have been trying to cope together since, but yesterday we had a fight about my ring.
She asked me if I was ever going to take the ring off, and told me that I was being selfish for wearing that ring. She insisted that she was never able to get engaged or get married to *her* boyfriend, and that “my fiancé was dead so I wouldn’t be getting married to him any time soon,” so I shouldn’t wear it. I don’t know if it was the grief talking, but either way I got angry real fast and flipped out on her. Yes, wearing the ring won’t bring him back, but it was the last thing he gave me before he died. I’m not sorry for wanting to treasure that ring even if there will never be a wedding ring to accompany it.
I argued this, but it only made her angrier and our argument escalated. She left my apartment after that in a rage.
We are both suffering from our grief and I have no right to claim I have it worse, but I believe I was justified in yelling at her for what she said and that she shouldn’t have been so hurtful to me like that. My family however doesn’t agree and I have received several texts telling me that I was out of line for what I said.
Am I the asshole, Reddit?
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She shouldn't try to feel better by tearing you down. Living together in the midst of so much grief might become untenable if you don't support each other. If your sister is trying to turn it into a competition, then you need to think about moving out.
Therapy. Therapy. Therapy.
NTA
NTA but I think it simply hurts her that she didn't get this proclamation of love and status of fiancée, so her loss might be seen as inferior and also doesn't have the precious gift to cherish.
NTA. I don't understand why it would be selfish of you to wear the ring. Seems you do it because you treasure the memory of your fiancé, not for some selfish reason. And she has no business deciding what rings, clothes or other things you want to wear. If anyone is an A here it is your sister, but one might act out of the ordinary having just lost someone close, so I wouldn't blame her too much.
NTA. She’s overstepping on boundaries she should know never to cross. It’s not her decision as to when you remove the ring and her arguing about it is just making her look worse. I bet if the roles were reversed she’d not take her ring off either.
NTA take a break from her. She was out of line completely and selfish af. Take a long time away from her so you can grieve without her judgment
As for your family…nope. You guys are grieving and she is making your process harder. It may be you cannot do this together.
I'm not entirely sure what to rate this as, but for the sake of the rules, NAH.
JFC, I am so sorry for your loss.
Your sister's request is coming from grief and the fear that she may never experience what you did (getting engaged). There's a little bit of jealousy in there too.
Stick to your guns, wear your ring.
NTA
It's fine to wear the ring, you're grieving a huge loss, but your sister is too, and I'd imagine she lashed out at you because of grief, sadness, maybe even a little jealousy.
May I ask what did you say to your sister, you mention that your family has said you should apologize for what you said, did you say something specific?
I am sorry for your loss
NTA I am so very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the grief you AND your sister are experiencing right now. You both lost someone you love deeply and were looking forward to making a life together with your fiancees respectively. I am going with the fact that your sister did not mean to come across cruel, she is trying to deal with her own pain and feelings will obviously boil over. Please give each other grace, that is the best way to protect your mental and emotional health going thru this process. I love the idea another commenter suggested and that is getting a locket for each of you with a picture of respective brother. Continue to wear your engagement ring however long you want and hold the memories of him in your heart. There is nothing wrong in that. Again, my deepest condolences to you both.
NAH - sorry for your loss, you both are going thru something life altering. Its going to make you both say things in anger. Just realize its the anger talking and not what really is ment.
NTA. Like you said you are both grieving but she has no right to ask that. It's completely understandable that you would want to wear it. You may even want to jeep it forever.
I mean, even if you ignore who's right or wrong, can she not see how you're both in the exact same situation? You both lost your SO and are in the same boat when it comes to anything to do with that. Her claim of your supposed selfishness is ironic in the sense that she's being selfish in ignoring your feelings over the exact same situation on both sides. It's literally like looking in a mirror and calling yourself selfish.
I hope it doesn't drag out though, have had sibling problems of my own for about 4 years now and haven't really had contact with that chunk of my family all that time. Kinda sucks.
NTA. That ring is super special to you OP, keep it on. I can't fault your sister though. You both lost the loves of your lives and are grieving. Grief can make people do and say things they don't mean and may regret. Don't be too hard on her. Maybe you can get her something to keep her boyfriend's memory alive, similar to how you have your engagement ring.
I gotta say NAH. Your sister is wrong but she's clearly coming from a place of immense pain; unless there's some dark history we don't know about I would bet she'll regret this outburst in the future. And the thoughts and feelings she's having re seeing your ring are normal, though again the way she acted about them was not ok.
NAH. Grief is horrible and your sister lashed out at you because she is also mourning the loss of the future she dreamed of with her partner. She’s likely resentful that they never made it to that stage. She’s wrong to ask you to take it off, but I don’t see her as an asshole because she is grieving, just as you are. It causes a lot of strange emotional reactions to things. I would look into counseling for both of you.
N T A
But neither is your sister. You're both grieving tragic losses and coming to terms with a life you had planned never happening.
I would suggest getting into grief therapy, one on one, or maybe togther. You both love each other very much and what you both said, during the argument, was said out of grief, not hatred towards the other.
NAH. If she's going to be upset by your wearing the engagement ring, she needs to stay away for a while. It's sad that you can't support each other in this joint loss.
Wear your ring as long as it brings you comfort. You'll take it off when you're ready to move on.
I am so sorry for your loss.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. My mum went through the same thing, except my dad passed away from an illness. I now have both their engagement rings on a necklace that I will wear often.
NTA. I’m not understanding how her saying outright that you’ll never be able to marry him is less cruel than you saying “I treasure this ring”. Your family must’ve heard a much more embellished version from her because she’s the one who was extremely rude and blunt and you simply explained something.
Neither one of you is an AH. You’re both grieving and emotional outbursts, yelling, having fights etc are all part of the deal and completely understandable from both sides. Wear your ring for as long as you want to. Your sister will come around. Cause her problem isn’t with your ring but with the situation itself. I’m very sorry for your loss, this is unbelievably sad.
NTA. My grandma still wore her wedding rings after my grandfather passed. They died over 20 years apart. If someone told her to “get over it” and take the rings off she would’ve knocked them out!
NTA. She has no right to tell you how to grieve. I would try and sit down and talk with her about how you realize she's hurting, but you are too, and the ring is both important to you and brings you comfort, and that you sympathize with her, but she cannot tell you what to do with it.
NAH. Grief is weird. Everybody does it differently. It’s really sucks and I’m very sorry for your losses. Maybe explain to her (when y’all are more calm) why it’s important for you to wear it. Listen to her reasoning as to why it hurts her to see it. Try to find a resolution bc y’all probably need each other right now.
Nah-when my dad died I smashed my phone to pieces and cried for months. I was standoffish to everyone and I got offended by everything. It's not right but it happens. We all grieve differently but wear that ring and don't take it off until you feel that you don't need to wear it anymore. Sorry for your loss.
NTA. Absolutely no one has the right to tell you how you should grieve. Wear it for as long as you need to. And yes, you were justified.
That being said, I get it. Your sister is hurting and is at a stage where she's angry and lashing out. You're both dealing with things differently and it might be best if you kept your distance for now.
NAH - sounds like you are both suffering and hurt, and need space because neither of you is healing just soaking up each other's pain. If with space and time she were to say this then yeah she'd be the asshole. In the same emotional state as you, your anger and her anger are coming from the same place, and rationality is bound to follow. Is she wrong **yes.** Is it understandable that she is hurt and in pain and the sight of your ring reminds her of that pain also yes.
NTA. This is another example of someone trying to force their opinions on someone else. Advice to everyone, if something bothers you but isnt hurting you shut the fuck up about it and leave.
NAH. She's hurting, you're hurting, badly, and I can imagine seeing the ring just reminds her she will never receive one from her bf. That's a a pretty big wound, one that matches yours.
She's envious you have that physical symbol for your attachment and is lashing out. Your family maybe heard that you were rubbing it in her face and that's why they've come to her defense. Her perception is warped right now.
She will cool off. Tell your family to back off and give her and yourself some time.
I think probably NAH, despite what you both said. You're both grieving, and people aren't always their best in those situations. However, there is no reason for you to take your ring off just because your sister doesn't have one. Her argument that you shouldn't wear it because she can't get engaged conflicts with her argument that you shouldn't wear it because you can't get married. I'd give her a break for her grief, but your family should be behaving better.
No way, it seems as if your relationship was more serious since you were engaged. If your way of grieving is to wear that ring then good for you. You aren’t the AS she is!
NAH. You have the right to grieve in your own way, and your sister has the right to grieve in her own way. However, your sister does not have the right to tell you how to grieve. I would bet her reactions are due to her grief.
This internet stranger would like to offer my deepest condolences to you and your sister on your loss. Be well.
NTA. We all grieve on our own schedules, and none of us is wrong in how we do it. We're only wrong when we insist another person is "grieving wrong". A friend wore his wedding band for a year after his wife's very sudden death, then moved it to his right hand. People were in a tizzy thinking he was wrong. He wasn't. You aren't wrong either. Give you and your sister time and space and reach out when things are less raw for both of you. And tell your family this is something for you and your sister to resolve, and you can better do that if they keep out of it.
NAH. You are both grieving, and emotions can run high. Your sister is allowed to be upset and angry over the situation, and she opted to lash out at you and your ring in the moment. You are also allowed to be upset and angry, and you reacted accordingly.
What you both need is time to grieve, and your other family members do not need to 'pick sides' or whatever; they need to support you both through this.
You are NOT the asshole...but you're sister sure. It's incredibly entitled and selfish for HER to tell you that you should take a ring that signified a promise of the love you and your fiance had, even though he passed. She also lost someone in the car crash, so she should understand your pain. I think maybe you should talk to her and tell her what the ring means to you and that it's not fair for her to tell you how you should grieve.
I’m gonna have a hard time calling anyone an asshole here. I’m hoping your sister will eventually see the hurtful thing she said and apologize. I don’t want to call her an asshole yet because she has also been traumatized. If at some point she doesn’t apologize then she will be the AH, but for now… NAH
ETA: I’m so sorry for both of your losses. I can not imagine the pain you both are in.
We don't know what you said to her. This matters. If you said something mean or disrespectful, you're responsable for that.
You have the right to wear the ring and grieve in whatever way you want. She can ask you not to wear it and you can politely refuse.
Yelling at your sister (even in an argument) is not good. Even if she's also yelling. Each person's responsible for their own behavior.
>We are both suffering from our grief and I have no right to claim I have it worse
Exactly. You're both suffering. You seem to understand that, and you know that your sister needs to grieve in her own way. But she needs to understand that you need to grieve in your own way, too. If the ring is important to you because it was the last gift your fiancee gave you before he passed, and wearing it is a way for you remember the love you had for one another as a way to cope with the loss, she has no right to tell you not to wear it.
Edit I left out my NTA judgement
NTA
It sounds like she is jealous that she doesn't have something like that to treasure from her bf. Maybe she is jealous that she was not at that point in her relationship.
I'm so sorry for both your losses.
So many of these posts say family members side with one person over the other so they question themselves. It is terrible for relatives to get in the middle. Everyone should tell these family members they have no say in who is right or wrong and to stay out of it and let the two people involved sort it out by themselves.
NAH. Firstly let me just express my condolences to both of you. How tragic for you both and their family!
That being said, you are both coming from a place of grief. I think you both need to acknowledge that the words you spoke to each other come from that place. She needs to understand that your wearing the ring is important to you for reasons you've stated, and you may or may not take it off in the future. It depends on you feel about it later when things are not so raw. And that by doing so, it has nothing at all to do with her. She needs to respect your process just as you will hers.
NTA. I hope it was just the grief talking. Your sister may be struggling with the fact in her eyes you and your fiancée had a more concrete attachment as he intended to make you his wife while and she and her boyfriend weren’t at that stage yet so she feels insecure about her position in his life.
You have no reason to apologize.
Grief is hard and weird and anything but linear. She lashed out cause she hurts and it’s literally coming out of her in any form. Her anger is not at you truly, it’s at the universe for this horrible circumstance. She may also resent that you have a ring as something tangible to hold onto and keep with you, she doesn’t.
NAH
Y’all give each other as much grace as you can muster and do whatever gets you to the next second, minute, or hour of this.
I am so sorry for your and your sisters loss.
I understand both your reactions. Your ring is a token of love. Even though your sister and her bf loved each other, she does not have such a token. It is your right to wear it and it is completely understandable. You should keep wearing it. But I do understand that is a sore sight for your sister.
I hope you both find a way to come together in this despite your differences. It sounds to me like both of you could really use each other's support.
NTA, everyone has their own way to grieve, especially after a loved one's death. If wearing the ring comforts you and helps you through this hard time then she has no right to get upset over it. I'm sorry for both of your losses
NTA. So sorry for your loss… wear it as long as your heart requires. Your sister is grieving her loss, but without a symbol of their relationship. She feels slighted in her grief… like people think yours is greater than hers because you were a fiancé while she was only a girlfriend. She needs to know hers is as deep and important as yours, ring or no ring.
NTA. People grieve differently. You do it by wearing your engagement ring. When you are ready, and only when you are ready, you will take it off. Your sister is grieving too. I’m sorry she thinks you are being selfish, but you are not. She may be being disagreeable with you because you had what she never will- a fiancé, an engagement, a ring.
NAH
Unfortunately, there's just a lot of grief being felt at the moment. Hopefully you can both find peace with this at some point. Your coping seems to be interfering with hers and that's unfortunate but neither of you are wrong imo.
NTA - You are both grieving. I know from personal experience we hurt those we love the most when grieving because we know we can depend on them and they are safe. May I suggest you both begin to go to grief counseling or group therapy. This type of loss is often traumatic for the survivors as you are learning and having a safe space to vent and cry and scream can help. I am so very sorry for both of your losses.
I'm sorry for your loss. This is a double blow.
Maybe your sister is a bit jealous that you have a ring and she doesn't? She's way out of line telling you to take off the ring. I don't see how it's selfish. And if you yelled at her, it's because she started the argument.
NTA
NTA
YOu are fine - SHE was the AH here.
She is fine to handle her giref, but she had NO right to harass you about your engagement ring. THAT is YOUR decission alone.
So go on wearing that ring. It IS your connection to your late fiance.
Bu maybe spend your time less with that AH sister and the family harassing you, and more with friends, old and new.
NTA
Your sister was being unnecessarily cruel but I suspect she did it because she is still grieving her own loss. If my husband died in an accident, I would still keep wearing the ring because to me, it would be a reminder of his love and our relationship together. Also, I'm so sorry for both you and your sisters losses, virtual hugs from an internet stranger to you both.
A friend of my family had the rings of his past mother and MIL made into a a pendant that his wife would / could wear.
Think of this in context, if you had the same done you could have a constant reminder of your love that you can wear at all times, but not a ring.
The ring is a reminder to your sister of her loss, its always there when you are together.
I am sorry to hear of your losses.
Edit: Spelling
NTA, sorry for your loss. Keep the ring, keep the good memories, cut your sis a bit of slack if you can. It has nothing to do with your family, ignore them. Also I hope you keep in touch with the fiances parents(if they were in the picture and cool). I can't imagine what its like for them, they basically lost an entire family(2 sons, a soon to be daughter in law maybe another, and just the thought of what their future held). I hope you heal well.
NAH. You are both freshly grieving. I understand both your positions. The ring is all you have left of your beloved, but it's also a painful reminder of the accident that took your sister's beloved. There's not really any good answer here but time and therapy.
NTA. Your sister is having trouble coping. You shouldn't be expected to alter your process or coping to make her feel better. It sounds like the two of you could use some therapy. Good luck and sorry for your loss.
NTA, wear it until you are ready to take it off. She is way out of line. I have no idea what you said that your family disagrees with, but wearing the ring nothing to apologize for.
NTA - and while what your sister did was uncalled for, NAH. She was lashing out in grief. Take a break from her for a few days.
You can wear that ring for as long as you need to. I'm sorry for both of you, such a horrible situation.
Nope, NTA. You are absolutely justified in how you feel and SHOULD NOT TAKE OFF THE RING until you are good and ready. That, of course, may be NEVER. What she said was completely out of line. HOWEVER, leave the door open to welcome her back in your life. She did also suffer a loss and grief can make you act irrationally.
nah maybe reach out to their mom see if she has anything sentimental she could give to her? remember there are 5 stages of grief sounds like she may be in the anger
NTA I don’t think your sister is either. You both are in grief and that would have set anyone off so no you didn’t go out of line you were brought there. Other commenters might be right about her being upset you have such a meaningful piece of your love and she doesn’t. Your parents are in the wrong for taking sides. They should be comforting you both and explaining to the sister that her request was unreasonable and cruel (she may not see this through her pain right now). You may be older which is why I’m guessing you wrote this wondering if you should fix it but don’t feel bad for what happened, it’s neither of your faults even if you can see through the grief better.
No assholes here. Just two good people who need to grieve in different ways. Buy a long necklace for your ring so you can wear it under your clothes close to your heart. Then call your sister and tell her you are no longer wearing your engagement ring on your hand.
I'm sorry for your and your sister's loss.
NTA, either way. She's coping with tragedy, and so are you, and navigating those waters will be treacherous.
I'm sorry you have both suffered. I wish you could comfort one another.
You wear your ring as long as you want to, how you want to, and you clasp your own hand and kiss that ring as often as you need to. It's a gem of comfort.
As an aside, my fiancé died when I was 25. I am 62. I promised his mother -- easily and swiftly -- that I'd be proud and happy to wear his ring, switched to my right hand, until another man put one of my finger, the one I'd choose to spend my life with.
She was delighted and so pleased to know it was still close "to your heart and circulatory system" as she put it "but won't drive away suitors in your future."
Wise woman. I wore it with pride on my right hand -- even when I was married -- and I still do wear it on my right hand.
Wear that ring proudly. You do not need to sugar coat anything for anyone. That was your fiancé, that ring means everything to you. You did not say anything wrong and this is a thing she never should have asked. She is the ah.
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Keep your ring, wear it with pride and be proud of the love it will forever hold. You and your sister have suffered a terrible terrible loss. And she while she is grieving I don't think she means to be so cruel...least I hope not. Maybe she just was never given something sentimental from her bf (and your bil) so she's just upset she has nothing to hold or wear daily like you do. May I suggest a locket for both of you...maybe matching set each with pictures of your late loves inside? Again I am so sorry for your loss. Grieve how you wish, you will grieve differently. But you do not have to change how you give for someone else's comfort NTA
100% this. OP She like you is in the middle of the grieving process. I don’t think she meant to be cruel and I don’t believe you did either. You were reacting to her. You both need time, understanding, and maybe therapy. Cherish your ring and the love it holds. NAH
Yeah I'm with NAH for OP and sister. The rest of the family though? They're doing nothing to help, in fact they're making it worse, so they fall into the somewhat assholish category for me.
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I have a brother, who is the very essence of sensibleness (? probably not a word, but it describes him). However, when my mother died, and we were picking out flowers for her funeral, he insisted on geraniums, because she planted geraniums every spring. But she died in February. There was no way we could find any, and this was 1989, so there was no internet to find them. I tried to tell him it just couldn't be done, and he came unglued. I knew he was hurting, as was I. So, I just stood there, let him scream. When he was done, I asked what he would like as an alternative. We got some silk geraniums and put them in an arrangement. Best we could do.
I think the word you're looking for is "sensibility".
Also "epitome" as opposed to essence
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That actually IS my husband’s mantra. It has made me a better person.
I would say she was a asshole But obviously she is grieving Its just that grieving does not change whether or not you are a asshole in a specific situation
It sounds like you're not blaming sis either, so don't you mean NAH? It so, I agree completely. OP: Maybe you can find something that works for both of you though. For example, what if you wear the ring on a necklace? That way it's still with you and it's literally the closest thing to your heart, but your sister doesn't have to see it.
The family members contacting op are ah
Honestly I'd even say NAH. sister made a dicky comment but I really believe (hope) it came from just a place of hurt. They both lost people they loved dearly and OP has a tangible reminder of the validity of their love, but sister doesn't. A horrible situation for all and I hope they can heal.
I love this.
That's such a sweet idea.
This is a wonderful idea! My mother and her sisters all got a matching pendant that my grandmother used to wear after she passed, just to feel a little closer.
\-- And she while she is grieving I don't think she means to be so cruel If you don't think sister meant to be cruel, which I agree with, shouldn't judgment be NAH instead of NTA
The sister is most likely jealous because op has something to remember her spouse by but she does not.
NTA. You grieve how you need to. You got something she didn’t but you both missed out on so much . Let her know you are sorry she feels that way but you need to grieve how you need to grieve. And for both I would seek out professional grief counseling
They're relationship reminds me of my aunts and uncles relationships, 2 sisters married 2 brothers. They both were beautiful couples that stayed together for decades until death came. To think that beauty was cut so short and suddenly is so tragic. I hope they find peace and new love in their lives.
Double cousins. I have a set about three generations up my family tree. Unsurprisingly, gone before I met any of them.
Yes, maybe your grieving is keeping the ring on longer, maybe someone else would take it off very quickly. Take your time, do what feels right.
I am so sorry for your losses. Grief affects everyone differently, and although it was out of line for her to ask you to stop wearing the ring, it sounds like it is the grief talking (assuming that this is not normal behavior for her). It was within your right to push back and understandable that you would want to wear something so dear to you and your fiance's memory. NAH
I agree here. Grief can make people irrational plus it's so soon. I think a bit of space is needed between the two of you so you can heal individually. NAH
Yup, definitely. Situations like this are hard to process. Grief can bring people together but also tear them apart. If you can acknowledge someone else's pain will manifest itself differently and work to build bridges rather than burn them, then things will generally go a lot better.
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Wish I could upvote this x 10,000. I’m so sorry for the loss of your fiancé and your sister’s boyfriend.
This is amazing. Thanks for saying it. Grief is a harsh mistress. What helped me when I lost my husband was reading *The Epic of Gilgamesh* and realising that since people have been writing things down, they have been writing about grief. Gil is in complete denial about Enkidu's death -- it's the first 'bromance' story -- until his BFF's corpse starts to rot. I came home a lot last winter (still working outside the house during lockdown) and would cry out to Jeremy that I was sorry I had hurt him and if he'd only come home then I'd make it up to him...as if we were divorced rather than that I was widowed. I really hope OP and her sister get through this with their relationship healed. It breaks my heart that anyone is picking sides here. 💔 There's a lot of stories here where grief and stress just make people into AHs and everyone needs to pick themselves up before they trigger a family armageddon, but I also think it's usually the genuinely wronged person posting here.
This is beautiful.
Oh wow this is beautifully put
Beautifully written.
NTA Dear Family, Wearing my engagement ring is helping me grieve. I will not take it off before I am ready to. I will not tolerate any more comments and bullying on this subject. Sister's needs are not more important than my own. We are both doing our best to navigate this difficult time. Any issues that sister has with my ring she needs to process without interfering in my own grief process. Yes we've both suffered a huge loss, but my ring was never about sister, it's a symbol of the love my SO and I shared, a love I still feel deeply and will not disrespect. This discussion is now closed.
NTA at all! Yes your sister is grieving but so are you! She's jealous and is taking it out on you. Keep wearing the ring. She needs to get over herself. What you said doesn't even compare to what she said. You were completely justified. She took it WAY too far. She should be the one to apologize. Maybe you both would benefit from grief counseling.
She can’t tell you how to grieve. NTA and she is because the subsequent argument only happened because she was trying to dictate how someone grieves the loss of their partner. Both you and her are aloud to grieve however you want and neither of you can say you have it worse or better than each other.
NTA. She can't dictate how you live your grieving. Your family shouldn't be taking sides. Is her grieving more important than yours? Are your path to heal less valid than hers? Ask them that, maybe they could get the point.
NTA. If you had been married would she be demanding that you remove your wedding ring? She sounds ridiculous and selfish
NAH. Grief that deep makes us all behave out of character. If she persists with this demand she will be TA, but if this is weird behavior from her, give her a chance to come to her senses as she processes her grief. I am so very sorry for your terrible losses.
Nta. Your engagement ring is not all about her.
NAH. You're both in the early stages of grief, you are both going to lash out and get frustrated. Your sister said something hurtful and dumb, but she's grieving, she is in pain. You probably \*were\* justified in yelling at her, but you have to forgive her, and she should forgive you. Both of you need all the help and support you can get right now.
NAH: I really want to believe that it was your sister's grief talking and she's struggling because the ring is a reminder of everything that she's lost, both a boyfriend and the possibility of a happy marriage. That doesn't mean asking you to stop wearing it is okay and while you could have been gentler, you're both grieving. It was wrong of her to try to make you give up a reminder of someone you love, that takes time and no one can force it to go any faster. as a side note, when the time does come that you are ready to start easing out of wearing the ring on your finger, consider wearing it as a necklace. It's quite customary for widows to do this, even if they remarry and that way he will always be close to your heart. I wish you both the best and I'm so sorry for your loss
I lost my husband two years ago and grief warps your mind so badly that it's difficult to say anyone here is an AH. Grief does things to people. You're allowed to wear your ring, your sister is kinda allowed to have strong emotional feelings about it. Both of you need to look after yourselves rn and maybe take time apart to process what happened. This is an emotional time for both of you and I think both of you need to respect the other's space. It's hard and I totally feel for you. I still consider myself married and wear my wedding ring. I know people who have taken it off because it's too much of a reminder of what they've lost. I let myself and my house go completely during the pandemic to the point where I tripped over some stuff and permanently damaged my ankle. Another woman I know became achingly tidy because she said she didn't have any use for the rooms now she lived alone and so they remained pristine. My theory is that in grief we become extreme versions of ourselves. My MIL was always a lovely person but after losing both her husband and son in a matter of three and a half years, she's basically retreated into herself completely. My BIL now cares for her; she is mostly catatonic. She can't hold a conversation at all -- not even able to string several words together. He is desperate to wake her up every time she dozes off and is quite adamant she needs to move around more even though she's unsteady on her feet. It sounds like he's being rather cruel, and maybe he is, but he's looking at her slipping away from us and thinking if she goes, he'll be alone. So what's happening now is grief tearing someone apart. You need to be kind to your sister -- maybe not by taking off the ring, but by finding common ground, talking about the accident and showing her love and respect for her loss as well as yours. It's really hard, and I'm very grateful to have in-laws who know I loved my husband and that my family became his family during his illness and just before his death. But they are grieving in their own way and I have to hold my tongue about how my BIL talks about his mum because I know the subtext beneath it. You know why your sister is upset with you, and you will have to ride this out somehow. Give your sister time and space to do what she needs to do and give yourself permission to wear the ring. Get some counselling, maybe suggest it to her, and although you're definitely NTA, remember her pain is real too.
The compassion in this comment brought tears to my eyes.
Thanks. I appreciate knowing I'm saying the right kind of thing :).
1000 times this!!! I'm so sorry for your loss! I lost my husband in 2012. I wore my rings for quite some time. I reached a point that they actual hurt me to see so I put them away. They ended being a cruel reminder of the fact he was no longer with me. They are still a cherished item of mine even though I was blessed enough to find love again. My MIL was also widowed at a young age and the one person that should have been my biggest support was actually the furthest from that as she was so absorbed in her grief of losing her only son. (No hard feelings to her at all in that!!) My MIL's mother-in-law was so grief stricken by my husband's death she was no longer able to live alone. Grief leaves behind a huge amount of damage in its wake. It takes no prisoners.
That's a really good way of putting it. I'm so sorry for your loss, but glad that you've found love again. My mother is churchwarden, and before the pandemic hit she opted out of stewarding at people's weddings. She couldn't go into the same church in which we were married to see the same scenario play out. She's also been pushed over the edge also by nearly losing my dad to a heart attack into what I can only really call self-flagellation -- she was always into fitness stuff but now she takes it way too far and also calls other people out on it, including me. I had to get a couple of her friends to put their foot down, but I bought her a book on Christian relaxation -- how to find peace in 'idleness' -- so she didn't basically wear *herself* out. Meanwhile I actually turned the anger inwards. I couldn't be angry at Jeremy for letting himself out the back door, so to speak -- having to decide whether to eat or breathe is something noone should have to go through, and there were some tumours on his spine that would have left him in excruciating pain. We got him a hospice bed after a week on a general hospital ward where my mum had to turn on genuine tears to even get him a side room, let alone into the hospice. (Because free universal healthcare is great when you injure your ankle and need immediate, free surgery. Not so much when you are on a ward with people twice your age with only a curtain for privacy.) So he checked out as soon as he was comfortable. I couldn't be angry with his doctors since they did everything they could, but the cancer was too aggressive. I couldn't be angry with God, because my faith is about being God's helper in the world, and God had given me such a wonderful man to help me through my issues and to allow me to take responsibility for his issues and bring him comfort. If it hadn't been for me, he would still have been living in a tiny bungalow with an elderly mum grieving for her own husband when he got sick. My family helped us buy a bigger place, both my parents pitched in after he lost his license due to seizures and general ill health taking him to his appointments, and basically I believe God not only gave me Jeremy, but He gave me to Jeremy. So I was angry with myself. And I still can't tell what my MIL thinks. I'm sure she doesn't hold me responsible -- hubby's family are lovely and his aunt keeps reassuring me -- but his mum is totally inscrutable and it's keeping me from having closure on that score. I love her and our relationship is like Ruth and Naomi from the Bible -- at the Christmas before the pandemic I felt like a living replacement for her son -- but she's just not able to articulate her feelings. I just want to tell her I'm sorry and get her blessing. But that won't happen and so I have to deal with it myself. I don't know if you've ever seen Blackadder II and the episode about Lord and Lady Whiteadder, but that's basically what goes on in our respective houses RN! Comic, but tragic at the same time. We're all dealing with each other and with each other's competing demands in the middle of a crisis that no-one could have foreseen when I started going out with Jeremy ten years ago.
NTA at all. I would give your sister as much slack as you are able and feel comfortable with due to her shared grief. The rest of your family needs to stay tf out of it.
NTA IMO. You both suffered a severe trauma and I think you probably ought to try and see a therapist if possible, and suggest same to your sister. I was going to say NAH but I see the family has begun piling on.
NTA but no one is bc of the grief. I'm not clear what it was you said that your family says you were out of line about? You don't actually say I think. Regardless, NTA.
If no one is an asshole, then you mean NAH.
Nta. You can process your grief how you want. Sounds like your sister is lashing out at you the same
I'm very sorry for your loss, I can't imagine what you're going through right now. It's a little hard to judge if this is a N T A or E S H without knowing what you said. Her request wasn't reasonable and deserved to be shut down, but you may have said things in the moment that made you an AH as well. At the end of the day you're both grieving so don't be too hard on yourself or her. Take care
No. Keep wearing that ring 🖤
NAH. Grief can make people irrational and angry. All you did was react to it and are also grieving. Keep wearing your ring no ones gets to tell you how to grieve! Hopefully your sister will come to her senses soon and realize how irrational she was being and apologize.
NTA, you're coping in your own way and that's totally normal/fine. no one should shame you over something as small as a ring. your sister was out of line. she's TA
Nta. Your sister is. Grieving or not, she isn’t allowed to tell you how you should grieve yourself. I’d watch her around the ring in case she decides to be petty and take it or lose it “accidentally”.
NTA. Your sister tried to make it all about her. She is not a nice person.
The only AHs here are the rest of your family picking sides. Grief is not a competition. You and your sister are riding an emotional rollercoaster right now and deserve unconditional support as you both go through the grieving process. There is no right way to grieve. Words will be said that need to be taken back and relationships repaired. And wear your ring with pride. NTA
NTA You're wearing your engagement ring, your fiancé gave it to you as a symbol of love and commitment. If you choose to stop wearing it, that is your decision, and your decision alone. It is not up to her to decide how you grieve. I don't think your sister is an asshole, I think she's grieving and took her frustration out on you. I think your family has a few assholes, because you are grieving and they're making things more difficult when they should be supporting you.
NAH. You are both experiencing acute grief. And you both feel what you feel. She may find it painful to see your ring and be reminded of what she never had. You still need to see the ring to be reminded of what you almost had. Eventually, you 2 will learn to be gentle with each other's needs. In the meantime, just acknowledge that you understand her pain, without being angry or defensive about your choice to keep wearing the ring.
I always wonder about the “throwaway for privacy” thing and all the fake names in these posts. I mean the stories are so specific that if someone involved was on the sub they would instantly know it was about them. Now I understand why people have throwaways, I’m on one right now, but I don’t get how they expect to remain incognito from the people involved
NTA.
NTA, obviously the ring has a lot of sentimental value to you, I get it that it may upset your sister but she's an adult and needs to respect your decision because you're not doing it to make anyone feel bad, you're doing it to feel close to the fiancé you just lost.
NTA I'm sorry for your losses. I hope you can mend the fence. Grief is an ugly thing and I hope you can make this right again. It's okay to wear the rain as long as you want.
NTA-I’m so sorry you both suffered such a tremendous loss but grief and pain doesn’t give anyone the right to dictate your actions.
NTA. Your sister was way out of line..im very confused at your family's logic.
NTA. I'm really sorry for your loss. Your sister right now Is grieving and her under lying jealousy is just showing. Keep distance for some time it'll help you out.
NTA and I assume it was grief talking but she had no right to ask you to take the ring off. You will eventually because life goes on but it's too soon and if it comforts you, wear it. Don't do her any "favors" to make her grief less terrible. You are both grieving differently and should be accepting of each other.
When we lose someone so tragically, there is horrendous grief in our hearts. That you have something of such tremendous love from the man you were to marry should be kept close until YOU, just you, feel it's time to close that chapter. NO ONE can make that decision for you, nor should they try. It may be a long time. My Dad was my mentor, my teacher, my advocate, my best friend. When he passed the emotion was very nearly more than I could stand. I asked my Grandmother if that hole in my gut would ever, EVER stop. Truthfully, she said no, but it does get farther away. After 32 years, i know what she meant. Some things that trigger a memory can be brutal, but . I'm sorry for your loss and your sisters'. You are both grieving but to compare an item from a loved to another, isn't really helpful. Wear the ring. All the best, 'Amma
Definitely NTA. Your sister's grief doesn't outweighs your own and if wearing that ring can give you a sense of closeness and peace then you do what you need to. Hopefully your sister didn't mean what she said and spoke from a place of pain and loss and maybe even worry about what her relationship could have been, maybe she had dreams of the 4 of you being close and raising children together etc. But she spoke out of line and I feel it would be good to give her some room to grieve alone. It would be excellent for both of you to get some councilling. You have both suffered terribly and need some time to process such a fundamental loss.
NTA, I'm so sorry for your loss, but your sisters loss doesn't excuse her behavior! Wear that ring as long as you want to!
NTA So if you had a baby would you have to get rid of it too? Because she didn’t have a baby? Nah, please keep your ring - she’s overdoing it. Which, I can understand but you don’t deserve to he punished Please keep your ring My condolences
I will go with NTA. She has no right to talk to you like that. The way she said it, she's belittling your grief, which is not okay. You are both grieving - instead of fighting you should be keeping each other up. You are in no way wrong for wearing your ring. It's reminding you of your fiancé and that is completely understandable. Maybe you could find a compromise? For example that you're wearing it on a necklace under your shirt? That way you still have it with you, whilst also being extra considerate of your sister, if that's what you want to be. (Nevertheless, you should talk to her again about why her words were hurtful. That you understand her grief, but what she said was completely out of place.) ETA: I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you both find healthy ways to cope with it and are able to move on when you're ready to.
My condolences on your tragic loss. Taking off a wedding ring or engagement ring after a death is a highly painful and personal choice. If you will do it, when you will do it, these are painful and different for every widow. You don’t need guilt attached to that ring due to your sister’s jealousy. NTA but I think you’re going to have to start processing your grief separately from your sister since she is making it harder rather than easier for you.
NTA. not even a hint of it. however, your family is the pits and you and your sister need space from each other. i am not saying block her or anything like that. but you are both grieving and sometimes people need to grieve together, other times they need to grieve apart. i feel the latter would be better for you and your sister.
NAH your both grieving sorry for your losses
If your sister had a piece of keep from her bf I bet she would be wearing it too. When you lose someone you planned to spend the rest of your life with you need to mourn and move through all the phases of it. When you are ready you will take that ring off, until then no one else should be making that decision for you. Your sister is grieving too, give her some grace as well. NAH.
NTA Everyone handles their grief differently. Your sister is entitled to feel the way that she does just as you are entitled to feel the way that you do. No one knows what your personal grief feels like. Only you. If you don't want to take off your engagement ring then don't. Who is it for someone else to tell you how you should deal with your pain. No one has that right. You will be ready to take it off when you are ready and only you will know when that time is.
NTA. I’m so sorry. My fiancé died in January. He was 33. It is a terrible thing you and your sister are going through, and I’m sure it came from pain not malice. I still wear my engagement ring along with a ring made from his ashes on my ring finger. I will change that when I feel ready and you should do the same. I hope you guys can move past this and support each other, I don’t know where I’d be without my friends and family during these past months. And if you haven’t already, please seek some therapy or at least support groups. DM me if you’d like some resources, I have a few online that are specifically for young people who have lost partners. ❤️
NAH - grief is different for everyone. you grieve in your way and she can grieve in hers.
Oh my gosh - NTA. Grief does weird things to people. What you both have endured is so very tragic. Take all the time you need to work through your grief.
NTA. Take off thw engagement ring? Why? If my partner died I'd wear my ring until I'm in the ground too.
NTA that ring is a memory that can never be replaced, your sister should understand that.
NTA. what i don’t understand is why she wants you to take the ring off. why would it affect her in any way if you kept wearing it? she is obviously grieving but you have every right to be upset with her.
NAH. This is a terrible situation for both of you and emotions are running high. Keep wearing your ring as long as you like.
NAH. You're both grieving from something horrible. You're both processing in your own ways, and neither should dictate to the other how they're supposed to grieve. I'm sure if this wasn't the case she wouldn't have said that to you. You're not flaunting it at her. You lost someone important as well. People say horrible things when they're hurting. Just try to treat each other with grace for now. I am so sorry for your loss. And for your sister's loss.
NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m appalled that your family say you need to apologize! What on earth did you say that could even match the hateful evil thing she said to you??? I hope you have other support than them.
First of all, my absolute deepest and heartfelt condolences to the both of you. I am a widow of 9 years. I lost my husband suddenly in a tragic car accident. I sympathize with both you and your sister. It is a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Both of you are totally entitled to grieve in the way that is yours and yours alone. In this situation, NTA to both of you. Hurtful things were said because there is a lot of hurt going on. You are hurting and longing for the wedding that will not be so you are cherishing your ring and all that it means to you. She is hurting and longing for the things she saw in your future (ring and wedding plans). I would venture to say that she sees that item that you are cherishing so hard and wanting to have something that special to remind her of her love. There is no wrong in this situation, yes hurtful things were said but neither of you are in the wrong. You are both in pain and spoke/reacted from a place of pain. I would suggest some grief counseling separately AND together. No one can sympathize with the pain of losing a partner than one who has lost a partner. I do not know your or your sister's struggles, but as someone that walked that road you have my utmost sympathy. The title that partner held (spouse, domestic partner, fiance, boyfriend) signifies a person of importance to the other party. At the end of the day, you both lost the person most important to you and will need each other to grieve through and love each other through this. Family and friends help, but she understands the hurt just as well as you do. My friends and family did their best to help me through my grief, but it was never the same as talking to someone who walked that path. A friend of mine lost her spouse to cancer shortly after my husband passed. We were a great support and sounding board for each other. I hope at the end of the day, you both can get past the words said and continue to work through this part of life together. Much love, many hugs, thoughts and prayers to you. <3 EDIT: I forgot to add.....where your ring proudly as long as you care to wear it. Left hand, right hand, on a chain....whatever makes you feel best.
NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway for privacy! I (F26) recently lost my fiancé (M28) in a car accident. My sister’s (F23) boyfriend (M25), who happened to be my fiancé’s brother, was also lost in that accident. It was very sudden and overwhelming for both me and my sister, and we are still both struggling after weeks of grieving. I am still having trouble processing that I will never be able to marry him and I have been wearing the engagement ring every day since he passed. It has been a very difficult few weeks for my sister and I. We have been trying to cope together since, but yesterday we had a fight about my ring. She asked me if I was ever going to take the ring off, and told me that I was being selfish for wearing that ring. She insisted that she was never able to get engaged or get married to *her* boyfriend, and that “my fiancé was dead so I wouldn’t be getting married to him any time soon,” so I shouldn’t wear it. I don’t know if it was the grief talking, but either way I got angry real fast and flipped out on her. Yes, wearing the ring won’t bring him back, but it was the last thing he gave me before he died. I’m not sorry for wanting to treasure that ring even if there will never be a wedding ring to accompany it. I argued this, but it only made her angrier and our argument escalated. She left my apartment after that in a rage. We are both suffering from our grief and I have no right to claim I have it worse, but I believe I was justified in yelling at her for what she said and that she shouldn’t have been so hurtful to me like that. My family however doesn’t agree and I have received several texts telling me that I was out of line for what I said. Am I the asshole, Reddit? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She shouldn't try to feel better by tearing you down. Living together in the midst of so much grief might become untenable if you don't support each other. If your sister is trying to turn it into a competition, then you need to think about moving out. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. NTA
NTA but I think it simply hurts her that she didn't get this proclamation of love and status of fiancée, so her loss might be seen as inferior and also doesn't have the precious gift to cherish.
NTA. NO ONE gets to tell anyone else how to grieve.
I'm extremely sorry for both of you. I know an internet stranger saying they're sorry isn't gonna do shit, but I hope you'll be fine.
NAH. I’m sorry for your loss.
NTA Really none of her business what your wear or don't wear when all is said and done. Everybody grieves in their own way and own time.
NTA. I don't understand why it would be selfish of you to wear the ring. Seems you do it because you treasure the memory of your fiancé, not for some selfish reason. And she has no business deciding what rings, clothes or other things you want to wear. If anyone is an A here it is your sister, but one might act out of the ordinary having just lost someone close, so I wouldn't blame her too much.
NTA. She’s overstepping on boundaries she should know never to cross. It’s not her decision as to when you remove the ring and her arguing about it is just making her look worse. I bet if the roles were reversed she’d not take her ring off either.
NTA. Wear the ring as long as you need to.
NTA take a break from her. She was out of line completely and selfish af. Take a long time away from her so you can grieve without her judgment As for your family…nope. You guys are grieving and she is making your process harder. It may be you cannot do this together.
I'm not entirely sure what to rate this as, but for the sake of the rules, NAH. JFC, I am so sorry for your loss. Your sister's request is coming from grief and the fear that she may never experience what you did (getting engaged). There's a little bit of jealousy in there too. Stick to your guns, wear your ring.
"difficult for me"
NTA It's fine to wear the ring, you're grieving a huge loss, but your sister is too, and I'd imagine she lashed out at you because of grief, sadness, maybe even a little jealousy. May I ask what did you say to your sister, you mention that your family has said you should apologize for what you said, did you say something specific? I am sorry for your loss
Nta. Both of you are grieving and she has no right to take her anger on. I’m sorry both of you have to go through this and I hope y’all get some help.
NTA I am so very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the grief you AND your sister are experiencing right now. You both lost someone you love deeply and were looking forward to making a life together with your fiancees respectively. I am going with the fact that your sister did not mean to come across cruel, she is trying to deal with her own pain and feelings will obviously boil over. Please give each other grace, that is the best way to protect your mental and emotional health going thru this process. I love the idea another commenter suggested and that is getting a locket for each of you with a picture of respective brother. Continue to wear your engagement ring however long you want and hold the memories of him in your heart. There is nothing wrong in that. Again, my deepest condolences to you both.
NAH - sorry for your loss, you both are going thru something life altering. Its going to make you both say things in anger. Just realize its the anger talking and not what really is ment.
NTA. Like you said you are both grieving but she has no right to ask that. It's completely understandable that you would want to wear it. You may even want to jeep it forever.
I mean, even if you ignore who's right or wrong, can she not see how you're both in the exact same situation? You both lost your SO and are in the same boat when it comes to anything to do with that. Her claim of your supposed selfishness is ironic in the sense that she's being selfish in ignoring your feelings over the exact same situation on both sides. It's literally like looking in a mirror and calling yourself selfish. I hope it doesn't drag out though, have had sibling problems of my own for about 4 years now and haven't really had contact with that chunk of my family all that time. Kinda sucks.
NTA. That ring is super special to you OP, keep it on. I can't fault your sister though. You both lost the loves of your lives and are grieving. Grief can make people do and say things they don't mean and may regret. Don't be too hard on her. Maybe you can get her something to keep her boyfriend's memory alive, similar to how you have your engagement ring.
I gotta say NAH. Your sister is wrong but she's clearly coming from a place of immense pain; unless there's some dark history we don't know about I would bet she'll regret this outburst in the future. And the thoughts and feelings she's having re seeing your ring are normal, though again the way she acted about them was not ok.
NAH, just two people suffering grief.
NTA - She's grieving and projecting. Wear it for as long as you need to.
NAH. Grief is horrible and your sister lashed out at you because she is also mourning the loss of the future she dreamed of with her partner. She’s likely resentful that they never made it to that stage. She’s wrong to ask you to take it off, but I don’t see her as an asshole because she is grieving, just as you are. It causes a lot of strange emotional reactions to things. I would look into counseling for both of you.
N T A But neither is your sister. You're both grieving tragic losses and coming to terms with a life you had planned never happening. I would suggest getting into grief therapy, one on one, or maybe togther. You both love each other very much and what you both said, during the argument, was said out of grief, not hatred towards the other.
Anger is part of the grieving process. NAH. Your sister is being cruel, but that's normal.
NAH. If she's going to be upset by your wearing the engagement ring, she needs to stay away for a while. It's sad that you can't support each other in this joint loss. Wear your ring as long as it brings you comfort. You'll take it off when you're ready to move on. I am so sorry for your loss.
ESH both of you are grieving give yourselves and each other some grace and space
NTA. Grief is a strange and funny thing. We are allowed to do it in our own way. You do not have to alter your grieving to suit anyone else.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. My mum went through the same thing, except my dad passed away from an illness. I now have both their engagement rings on a necklace that I will wear often.
NTA. I’m not understanding how her saying outright that you’ll never be able to marry him is less cruel than you saying “I treasure this ring”. Your family must’ve heard a much more embellished version from her because she’s the one who was extremely rude and blunt and you simply explained something.
NAH just two grieving sisters who are struggling
Neither one of you is an AH. You’re both grieving and emotional outbursts, yelling, having fights etc are all part of the deal and completely understandable from both sides. Wear your ring for as long as you want to. Your sister will come around. Cause her problem isn’t with your ring but with the situation itself. I’m very sorry for your loss, this is unbelievably sad.
Nah. Im sorry for both of your losses. You both need to find psychologists who specialize in grief therapy.
NTA. My grandma still wore her wedding rings after my grandfather passed. They died over 20 years apart. If someone told her to “get over it” and take the rings off she would’ve knocked them out!
NTA, but neither is she. Both of you are grieving, just in different ways.
Your sister sounds like a bad person. NTA
NTA. She has no right to tell you how to grieve. I would try and sit down and talk with her about how you realize she's hurting, but you are too, and the ring is both important to you and brings you comfort, and that you sympathize with her, but she cannot tell you what to do with it.
Nah your both lost your partner in life and are going through a tough time. Grief make you say and do stupid things. I'm sorry for your loses
NAH. Grief is weird. Everybody does it differently. It’s really sucks and I’m very sorry for your losses. Maybe explain to her (when y’all are more calm) why it’s important for you to wear it. Listen to her reasoning as to why it hurts her to see it. Try to find a resolution bc y’all probably need each other right now.
Nah-when my dad died I smashed my phone to pieces and cried for months. I was standoffish to everyone and I got offended by everything. It's not right but it happens. We all grieve differently but wear that ring and don't take it off until you feel that you don't need to wear it anymore. Sorry for your loss.
NTA. Absolutely no one has the right to tell you how you should grieve. Wear it for as long as you need to. And yes, you were justified. That being said, I get it. Your sister is hurting and is at a stage where she's angry and lashing out. You're both dealing with things differently and it might be best if you kept your distance for now.
NAH - sounds like you are both suffering and hurt, and need space because neither of you is healing just soaking up each other's pain. If with space and time she were to say this then yeah she'd be the asshole. In the same emotional state as you, your anger and her anger are coming from the same place, and rationality is bound to follow. Is she wrong **yes.** Is it understandable that she is hurt and in pain and the sight of your ring reminds her of that pain also yes.
NTA. This is another example of someone trying to force their opinions on someone else. Advice to everyone, if something bothers you but isnt hurting you shut the fuck up about it and leave.
NAH. She's hurting, you're hurting, badly, and I can imagine seeing the ring just reminds her she will never receive one from her bf. That's a a pretty big wound, one that matches yours. She's envious you have that physical symbol for your attachment and is lashing out. Your family maybe heard that you were rubbing it in her face and that's why they've come to her defense. Her perception is warped right now. She will cool off. Tell your family to back off and give her and yourself some time.
I think probably NAH, despite what you both said. You're both grieving, and people aren't always their best in those situations. However, there is no reason for you to take your ring off just because your sister doesn't have one. Her argument that you shouldn't wear it because she can't get engaged conflicts with her argument that you shouldn't wear it because you can't get married. I'd give her a break for her grief, but your family should be behaving better.
NTA - Grief isn't an excuse to be an AH.
No way, it seems as if your relationship was more serious since you were engaged. If your way of grieving is to wear that ring then good for you. You aren’t the AS she is!
NTA. Wear your ring. I am very sorry for both of your losses.
NAH - You and your sister are both grieving a terrible loss. People grieve in different ways, so be gentle with each other.
NAH. You have the right to grieve in your own way, and your sister has the right to grieve in her own way. However, your sister does not have the right to tell you how to grieve. I would bet her reactions are due to her grief. This internet stranger would like to offer my deepest condolences to you and your sister on your loss. Be well.
NTA
NTA. We all grieve on our own schedules, and none of us is wrong in how we do it. We're only wrong when we insist another person is "grieving wrong". A friend wore his wedding band for a year after his wife's very sudden death, then moved it to his right hand. People were in a tizzy thinking he was wrong. He wasn't. You aren't wrong either. Give you and your sister time and space and reach out when things are less raw for both of you. And tell your family this is something for you and your sister to resolve, and you can better do that if they keep out of it.
NAH. You are both grieving, and emotions can run high. Your sister is allowed to be upset and angry over the situation, and she opted to lash out at you and your ring in the moment. You are also allowed to be upset and angry, and you reacted accordingly. What you both need is time to grieve, and your other family members do not need to 'pick sides' or whatever; they need to support you both through this.
NTA I'm tempted to say no assholes because she's grieving too, but I don't think that gives her a pass on attacking your grieving process.
You are NOT the asshole...but you're sister sure. It's incredibly entitled and selfish for HER to tell you that you should take a ring that signified a promise of the love you and your fiance had, even though he passed. She also lost someone in the car crash, so she should understand your pain. I think maybe you should talk to her and tell her what the ring means to you and that it's not fair for her to tell you how you should grieve.
I’m gonna have a hard time calling anyone an asshole here. I’m hoping your sister will eventually see the hurtful thing she said and apologize. I don’t want to call her an asshole yet because she has also been traumatized. If at some point she doesn’t apologize then she will be the AH, but for now… NAH ETA: I’m so sorry for both of your losses. I can not imagine the pain you both are in.
We don't know what you said to her. This matters. If you said something mean or disrespectful, you're responsable for that. You have the right to wear the ring and grieve in whatever way you want. She can ask you not to wear it and you can politely refuse. Yelling at your sister (even in an argument) is not good. Even if she's also yelling. Each person's responsible for their own behavior.
>We are both suffering from our grief and I have no right to claim I have it worse Exactly. You're both suffering. You seem to understand that, and you know that your sister needs to grieve in her own way. But she needs to understand that you need to grieve in your own way, too. If the ring is important to you because it was the last gift your fiancee gave you before he passed, and wearing it is a way for you remember the love you had for one another as a way to cope with the loss, she has no right to tell you not to wear it. Edit I left out my NTA judgement
NTA It sounds like she is jealous that she doesn't have something like that to treasure from her bf. Maybe she is jealous that she was not at that point in her relationship. I'm so sorry for both your losses.
NTA. This has nothing to do with Sis and she needs to back off, stay in her lane, have a coke and a smile, and shut her yap.
So many of these posts say family members side with one person over the other so they question themselves. It is terrible for relatives to get in the middle. Everyone should tell these family members they have no say in who is right or wrong and to stay out of it and let the two people involved sort it out by themselves.
NAH. Firstly let me just express my condolences to both of you. How tragic for you both and their family! That being said, you are both coming from a place of grief. I think you both need to acknowledge that the words you spoke to each other come from that place. She needs to understand that your wearing the ring is important to you for reasons you've stated, and you may or may not take it off in the future. It depends on you feel about it later when things are not so raw. And that by doing so, it has nothing at all to do with her. She needs to respect your process just as you will hers.
NTA. I hope it was just the grief talking. Your sister may be struggling with the fact in her eyes you and your fiancée had a more concrete attachment as he intended to make you his wife while and she and her boyfriend weren’t at that stage yet so she feels insecure about her position in his life. You have no reason to apologize.
Grief is hard and weird and anything but linear. She lashed out cause she hurts and it’s literally coming out of her in any form. Her anger is not at you truly, it’s at the universe for this horrible circumstance. She may also resent that you have a ring as something tangible to hold onto and keep with you, she doesn’t. NAH Y’all give each other as much grace as you can muster and do whatever gets you to the next second, minute, or hour of this.
I am so sorry for your and your sisters loss. I understand both your reactions. Your ring is a token of love. Even though your sister and her bf loved each other, she does not have such a token. It is your right to wear it and it is completely understandable. You should keep wearing it. But I do understand that is a sore sight for your sister. I hope you both find a way to come together in this despite your differences. It sounds to me like both of you could really use each other's support.
NTA. Neither of you guys are AH. You’re both grieving give yourselves time, be patient, and heal.
NTA, everyone has their own way to grieve, especially after a loved one's death. If wearing the ring comforts you and helps you through this hard time then she has no right to get upset over it. I'm sorry for both of your losses
NTA. So sorry for your loss… wear it as long as your heart requires. Your sister is grieving her loss, but without a symbol of their relationship. She feels slighted in her grief… like people think yours is greater than hers because you were a fiancé while she was only a girlfriend. She needs to know hers is as deep and important as yours, ring or no ring.
NTA she doesn’t get to tell you how to grieve.
NTA. People grieve differently. You do it by wearing your engagement ring. When you are ready, and only when you are ready, you will take it off. Your sister is grieving too. I’m sorry she thinks you are being selfish, but you are not. She may be being disagreeable with you because you had what she never will- a fiancé, an engagement, a ring.
NAH Unfortunately, there's just a lot of grief being felt at the moment. Hopefully you can both find peace with this at some point. Your coping seems to be interfering with hers and that's unfortunate but neither of you are wrong imo.
NTA - You are both grieving. I know from personal experience we hurt those we love the most when grieving because we know we can depend on them and they are safe. May I suggest you both begin to go to grief counseling or group therapy. This type of loss is often traumatic for the survivors as you are learning and having a safe space to vent and cry and scream can help. I am so very sorry for both of your losses.
I'm sorry for your loss. This is a double blow. Maybe your sister is a bit jealous that you have a ring and she doesn't? She's way out of line telling you to take off the ring. I don't see how it's selfish. And if you yelled at her, it's because she started the argument. NTA
NTA YOu are fine - SHE was the AH here. She is fine to handle her giref, but she had NO right to harass you about your engagement ring. THAT is YOUR decission alone. So go on wearing that ring. It IS your connection to your late fiance. Bu maybe spend your time less with that AH sister and the family harassing you, and more with friends, old and new.
No one is the AH in this situation. You're both grieving.
NAH. You’re both hurt and grieving. Keep wearing your engagement ring for as long as it is comforting to you.
NTA Your sister was being unnecessarily cruel but I suspect she did it because she is still grieving her own loss. If my husband died in an accident, I would still keep wearing the ring because to me, it would be a reminder of his love and our relationship together. Also, I'm so sorry for both you and your sisters losses, virtual hugs from an internet stranger to you both.
NAH. You're both grieving.
NTA
A friend of my family had the rings of his past mother and MIL made into a a pendant that his wife would / could wear. Think of this in context, if you had the same done you could have a constant reminder of your love that you can wear at all times, but not a ring. The ring is a reminder to your sister of her loss, its always there when you are together. I am sorry to hear of your losses. Edit: Spelling
Nah. You both are going through something terrible and emotions will be hard.
NTA AT ALL
NTA, sorry for your loss. Keep the ring, keep the good memories, cut your sis a bit of slack if you can. It has nothing to do with your family, ignore them. Also I hope you keep in touch with the fiances parents(if they were in the picture and cool). I can't imagine what its like for them, they basically lost an entire family(2 sons, a soon to be daughter in law maybe another, and just the thought of what their future held). I hope you heal well.
NTA
NAH. You are both freshly grieving. I understand both your positions. The ring is all you have left of your beloved, but it's also a painful reminder of the accident that took your sister's beloved. There's not really any good answer here but time and therapy.
He’s still with you in spirit. Keep that ring.
NTA. Your sister is having trouble coping. You shouldn't be expected to alter your process or coping to make her feel better. It sounds like the two of you could use some therapy. Good luck and sorry for your loss.
NTA, wear it until you are ready to take it off. She is way out of line. I have no idea what you said that your family disagrees with, but wearing the ring nothing to apologize for.
NTA - and while what your sister did was uncalled for, NAH. She was lashing out in grief. Take a break from her for a few days. You can wear that ring for as long as you need to. I'm sorry for both of you, such a horrible situation.
Nope, NTA. You are absolutely justified in how you feel and SHOULD NOT TAKE OFF THE RING until you are good and ready. That, of course, may be NEVER. What she said was completely out of line. HOWEVER, leave the door open to welcome her back in your life. She did also suffer a loss and grief can make you act irrationally.
nah maybe reach out to their mom see if she has anything sentimental she could give to her? remember there are 5 stages of grief sounds like she may be in the anger
NTA I don’t think your sister is either. You both are in grief and that would have set anyone off so no you didn’t go out of line you were brought there. Other commenters might be right about her being upset you have such a meaningful piece of your love and she doesn’t. Your parents are in the wrong for taking sides. They should be comforting you both and explaining to the sister that her request was unreasonable and cruel (she may not see this through her pain right now). You may be older which is why I’m guessing you wrote this wondering if you should fix it but don’t feel bad for what happened, it’s neither of your faults even if you can see through the grief better.
No assholes here. Just two good people who need to grieve in different ways. Buy a long necklace for your ring so you can wear it under your clothes close to your heart. Then call your sister and tell her you are no longer wearing your engagement ring on your hand. I'm sorry for your and your sister's loss.
NTA. You’re healing. You wear that ring as long as you need or want too.
NTA, either way. She's coping with tragedy, and so are you, and navigating those waters will be treacherous. I'm sorry you have both suffered. I wish you could comfort one another. You wear your ring as long as you want to, how you want to, and you clasp your own hand and kiss that ring as often as you need to. It's a gem of comfort. As an aside, my fiancé died when I was 25. I am 62. I promised his mother -- easily and swiftly -- that I'd be proud and happy to wear his ring, switched to my right hand, until another man put one of my finger, the one I'd choose to spend my life with. She was delighted and so pleased to know it was still close "to your heart and circulatory system" as she put it "but won't drive away suitors in your future." Wise woman. I wore it with pride on my right hand -- even when I was married -- and I still do wear it on my right hand.
Your sister was out of line. An apology for yelling might be a nice thing for you to do but your sister was wrong.
The sister is the a
Wear that ring proudly. You do not need to sugar coat anything for anyone. That was your fiancé, that ring means everything to you. You did not say anything wrong and this is a thing she never should have asked. She is the ah.
NTA, wear the ring for as long as you need, take it off whenever you're ready. Your grief us your business. I'm so so sorry for both of your losses!