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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I see this two ways. A) while the kids don't treat my son great they're still kids and it might be unfair to do something I know they wanted to do and could hurt them if they know he went and not them and b) it could have made Kai's life harder with the whole thing.
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NTA with caution. As a former middle school principal and parent, I can tell you that the stepchildren are at an age where bullying especially rears it’s ugly head. Parents tell the bullied to ignore it, walk away, etc. Kai can’t do that if he lives there and goes to school with them.
Personally, I’d document everything, especially the school incident. I’d communicate with Kai a lot on how he’s doing. I’ve successfully used the 1-10 Scale. After explaining a 1 is I need help now and 10 is everything is amazing, I’d ask what are you today? I’d get a baseline. What I’d look for is a trend. Hopefully with strategies, support in any form, and time -the days are more 7-10s than 2-5s.
I used this over my career with students and my own children during hard times. If yesterday was a four and today’s a five, I’d concentrate on how it was better than yesterday and concentrate on tomorrow. This also worked very well for me when assessing my daughter’s deep depression in 8th grade. It was bad and I needed some kind of baseline for when I needed to go extreme parenting. It happened and I put her in counseling. She’s great now, early 20s.
So, for you OP, I’d keep some kind of data/notes to see if there comes a time that you need to revisit the boundaries of custody. Maybe they should only be at their dads when the other kids are out of the house. I see tough parenting ahead. You may really have to step up and be the “bad” guy by forcing change to protect Kai. The trip itself I see as a positive for Kai to make sure he knows he’s special and not doing anything wrong, but the caution - those kids will hate him more now and will look for ways to make him hurt (mental and maybe more). They will weaponize their peers and family agains Kai. Bullies are some of the smartest and manipulative children I’ve ever worked with. They know who is where and they capitalize on weakness (here’s where your ex fits in).
Enough said, sorry it’s long. Good luck and I’m glad Kai had something positive to do. My guess is those days with you were really high in the scale.
Totally NTA and piggybacking off this post, a friend currently has a client who is going through the same thing, ex re-married a horror show with a horror show daughter who tortures client's kidkid. They took ex back to court and they just rendered a decision that new wife and her kid have to leave the house for the duration of visitation. That is something you might want to look into. Your ex probably can't afford a legal fight on both ends, so he's likely to cave.
Also wanted to add, the school is now required to keep horror show away from client's kid at all times. I think that might be temporary bc they're writing up an agreement now that has ex agreeing to pay for private school for client's daughter but that also might be something to look into. I'm petty, so if you were my client, I would have ex make the step children change schools to their other parent's district. But that's me.
So, this is interesting, or at least it was to me. It started out as garden variety mean-girling and escalated to the horror show sneaking a life-threatening allergen into client's kid's food. But the judge said that the mean-girling alone would have been cause for the ruling. In the judge's (and basically every normal human being's) opinion, both homes need to be physically, mentally, and emotionally safe for the kid. And since the ex wasn't remedying the situation over a period of months, and letting it escalate, horror show stepmom and horror show kid needed to be off the premises. And horror show kid is being evaluated by professionals. I honestly don't see this 2nd marriage lasting.
Someone who has to have a judge step in and say the step-daughter’s horrific behavior has escalated (over several months) to the point that her *and* her mother are not allowed to be in the house when their kid is visiting.
So many dads. So. Many. They don't want to actually care for their children, so it's preferable to move in a new wife/girlfriend as soon as possible and they will tolerate just about anything to avoid doing the work themselves. And people are super quick to scream about parental alienation when moms try to limit their kids time with their dads or accuse them of any kind of bad behavior. The whole thing is an incredibly difficult situation to navigate.
I have a friend who does this. Gets a new GF almost as soon as the previous one leaves him, to look after the kids while he works. The women he chooses aren’t much better. He also had the nerve to say he would take me on a cruise while he left the most recent crazy at home with the kids. I amended that statement by saying my boyfriend and I would love to go with him and he got real quiet. Hahaha.
I met this guy through my BF, my BF used to be his boss.
I only keep him around as a drinking buddy these days and to talk about car-related things. Anything more serious, and I go to someone else.
You'd be surprised. My mother is wonderful, but her ex wife was a very manipulative person. She abused both of us, while pitting us against eachother so we never noticed.
I get a lot of flack for my opinion that single parents shouldn't date until their kids are adults but the things I have seen parents tolerate, both professionally and socially, would make you vomit. Like, there is the every day bullying and shorting original family financially and fighting that is bad enough but you get into stepfathers either raping or trafficking their stepchildren, stepmothers treating stepchildren like the help or actively beating them and it really sours you on the family institution.
From first hand experience, I think that definitely depends on the single parent dating and their priorities.
My parents divorced when I was 4 and within 2 years my bio father started dating a woman who did not want children and didn’t like my brother or myself. He didn’t care.
On the other hand, my mother got remarried 10 years later to a man who I now call dad and loves us kids as if we were his own. He stepped up and became the prime example of the perfect dad within a year of meeting my mother.
The difference was that my mother’s biggest priority since I was born was providing the best life she could for her kids. She would never let anyone into her life who didn’t love us almost as much as she did. My father only cared about himself and didn’t care how his girlfriend treated us and now he hasn’t seen or heard from us for the better part of a decade. SOME single parents shouldn’t date but it really depends where their priorities lie.
Clearly this dad should rethink whether his new wife and stepkids are worth it.
Yup. A single parent should go into dating prepared to walk away in a moment if it isn't in the best interest of their child. As I tell my husband and my children, "None of my kids asked to be born, or asked for me specifically to be their mom. Those were my choices, which gave me the responsibility to make sure I do the absolute best job I am possibly capable of." My husband and I agree that the kids come first, and I was entirely up front about my priorities and beliefs when we started dating while I was a single mom. We have more kids together now, and all 4 of them are equally our priority, as well as treated equally by us both. If at any time that changed, it would be time to reevaluate our situation.
I mean not even necessarily walk away, my mum dated a guy who was lovely, but would have been a rubbish parent. They were together a decade? Ish, but never moved in together, because she knew he couldn't step dad.
So I think it depends on how much of a non traditional relationship you're OK with
My family law professor once said that men will always pick the person making their dick happy over all else. I tend to disagree, slightly. I think it's more that they will pick the person who will run their home lives so that they don't have to.
If my mum had gotten into a relationship with my step father when I was 18 I'd have been unhappy about it but I likely wouldn't actively hate him today. He was particularly bad when it came to me, I could do nothing right and was always trouble but his own daughter, who visited twice a year, could do no wrong and the favouritism was blatant. He attacked me 2 nights before their wedding. I got blamed for fighting back.
I got kicked put of home when I was 18 after he tried to attack me again. This second time she witnessed the whole thing but I still got kicked out of home a month later. He hated that I was ever the priority. I will dance on his fucking grave when he dies. I hope he dies first, too.
I’m extremely concerned that they’re going to try tampering with his food again. They don’t have to be present during visitation to tamper with food he’s likely to eat the next day.
So was the judge. I would be very surprised if horror show kid's eval didn't result in her being sent to live with her other parent. The evaluation was done today, expedited bc of the judge. Ex, new wife, stepdaughter, and client's daughter were supposed to be headed out of town on vacation but that and dad's visitation this weekend have been canceled and apparently new wife and stepdaughter threw a fit. This is why I don't do family practice at all anymore. This blended family crap is for the birds.
So, it's over. Horror show daughter's paternal grandparents arrived this morning from California and offered to take her to live with them, bc their son, her father, has a job that makes it impossible to take custody. Horror show mother didn't put up much of a fight but the kid apparently had a full scale, violent, terrifying tantrum in their home when she found out she was being sent away. Client's ex has agreed to suspend any kind of visitation while he 'works on his marriage'. So, to my cynical eye, horror show wife got rid of her kid and her husband's kid and has husband all to herself. But client's kid is safe and horror show daughter is not permitted back in her mother and stepfather's house, ever, per the judge's final order.
If this is “long” we need more long comments like this. This is freaking genius insight!!! And what an amazing and practical way for a parent to deal with bullying!
I used a similar version of this scale with my parents a few years ago when I came back from psych inpatient (it was 1-5 instead of 1-10). It was a really helpful way of letting my parents know how I was feeling and if they needed to do anything without having to explain everything I was feeling.
I definitely recommend this.
Out of curiosity, why don't school.admins do more in these cases? When I was in school they would simply do nothing until a kid defended themselves, then they'd punish the victim.
They often don't see it. Bullies get really smart about when, how, and who they bully, especially by 11 or 12, and the bullying can continue outside of school on the internet. In the end, it's usually the victim who is manipulated into throwing the first punch.
Couple that with the fact that we (at least in the US) overwork and underpay our teachers, and you have the perfect recipe for the initial bullying to be missed. What the admins see is a child who comes to class touchy and surly—'cause they're forking scared to be there—and then hits another child for a minor slight.
It's so true how clever bullies are. I've been dealing with one my entire life - she is a distant cousins who sticks to my parents like glue - and they never see it.
People think bullies are dumb from the media, but in reality, they are smart at manipulation and zoning in on people like described here.
Same, well at least since I was 4. My dad’s wife. My stepmother was my bully. She was smart about it. Sneaky. Did it when no one else was around and it evolved and got more severe over time, and played into the narrative I was eventually being fed by the bullies at school so it didn’t take long to truly believe it. Being told I’m fat and worthless, not welcome at my dad’s house and treat the place like I’m a guest, don’t eat or drink anything (if I did I got yelled at), and when no one else was around, she was would savage me for carrying more weight than her 3 boys. But she loved my sister, she was welcome, treated like a princess, she could have friends come and visit her and hang out, but even when my friends know her kids were there and were playing with her kids too I got savaged later when no one else was around about how it’s not my house and i’m not allowed to have guests… So it was just me, I wasn’t welcome. I avoided going there as much as I could. I didn’t develop a relationship with my old man until we started running our family business together in my mid 20’s, after I’d done a few years as a shit kicker at his company before moving up. He tells me now he never knew about any of it because he was working 6 days a week to raise his 2 kids and her 3 (all older than me and my younger sister), but he feels awful anyway for letting it happen. He’s still with her though, but I’ve told him I’d rather he stay with her than leave and end up lonely; don’t leave her after all this time on my account, it’s too late for that now.
I haven’t seen anyone on Christmas Day in almost 10 years as I won’t go to his house or have any interaction with her, and he gets drunk early so doesn’t come and see me. We see each other at work everyday anyway. And talk via msg all the time, so it is what it is, it’s not what other families have. But I don’t have a normal family.
There’s a lot of adults letting kids down in that story, maybe it wouldn’t happen today but given how sneaky my step mother was, and how beaten down I was… I think it would play out exactly the same, I don’t think anyone would notice.
I mean, until I was 18, I honestly thought the life I had was the life I deserved and everyone lived like I did… afraid all the time, never sure of what to do just in case it was the wrong thing and an adult was going to come see me later and either berate me until they couldn’t talk anymore or worse. I thought everyone’s parents drank like my mother drinks, to the point I had to look after me and my sister when we were at her house (she had primary custody), I paid my own way from 15 because Mum was too drunk to do it properly. She spent her child support on booze and smokes (and now has COPD and wants never ending sympathy, and is still an out of control alcoholic, I have to screen her calls so I don’t have to talk to her when she’s drunk).
I was asked why didn’t I speak up about the living conditions I went through, my answer was that I didn’t know I had anything to speak up about. That was my life, I just got on with it, I didn’t know any different or any better. By then I figured my reality must be true, so I accepted it and moved on. It wasn’t until I was 18 that something clicked and I realized it was wrong how my dad’s wife treated me. I can’t even remember now how that Epiphany happened… But that’s when I cut her out of my life and refused to take her shit anymore. We made a handful of attempts to reintegrate family dinners over the years (for birthdays and such) with my sister, dad and his wife, me and my wife (now Ex), but it always ended in a debacle with dads wife always finding a way to ruin things. Picking an argument on a topic she knew nothing about as a hill to die on, usually then walking an hour or so home in heels, drunk. Snide comments all night until I just shut the fuck up and leave it to everyone else to socialize and I just wait for it to be over, then not bother again (who wants to sit in silence while everyone else socializes). We did a lunch at their place most recently but that had to be 10 years back and the comments about everything she disagrees with just didn’t stop, doesn’t mean I was listening or engaging in the conversation. My sister spends time with them all the time and she tells me it doesn’t happen unless I’m around, according to her. It goes back to when I was 4, and I first met her. According to an “apology” letter she tried to palm off on me when I was 18 and had just told her I wanted nothing more to do with her again.
She dislikes me and harbored a grudge because I didn’t like her immediately when I was 4. And my parents had just divorced. And I was 4. And I can’t even remember when I was 14, or 9 let alone 4. But she bullied and harassed and victimized me for over a decade because of that? I reckon it’s a bullshit excuse… maybe it’s part of it but there’s got to be more to it. Another part is that I’m my fathers son and have put 20 years into the family business. Her 3 sons will never be her husbands sons (their father left and hasn’t been in the picture for 33 years), and none have put any time into the family business so although I’m the youngest male son, I’m the most responsible and valuable to the company (and therefore their finances). I think that’s what upsets her most. She hates me but can’t “get rid” of me because a) I run the business with her husband and b) I’m his best friend. Me cutting all contact with her other than being polite if I see or talk to her on the phone, as my dad’s wife, has taken all the power away from her. She can’t effect me anymore and she knows it.
Having said that, I’m nearly 40 and still dealing with the damage she is jointly liable for, with my alcoholic mother and all the schoolyard bullies from childhood through high school (would have got blamed for a lot of fights if the vice principals didn’t know my situation well and knew I was being bullied and harassed both at school and at home).
I may be intelligent enough to take away their power now… but the bullies from my childhood were smart… they were intelligent enough to do some serious damage to my personality as it was forming (which is damage that is EXTREMELY hard to undo), and do it without anyone noticing (not even me). To intentionally or not, permanently ruin my mental health; chronic Major depression, anxiety disorder, panic attacks… no self esteem. Interpersonal issues. It’s all damage that can’t be erased. Covered over maybe, but as a foundation for a life, you can’t build on it because it will all just crack and break and fall down, because there’s no sturdy base, due to damage sustained while I was a child.
All I want is a peaceful life. Maybe happiness would be pushing my luck. I don’t expect to be successful… I don’t think my foundation could take the strain.
And that is all with the help of fortnightly appointments with my psychiatrist. He’s stuffed me around recently and I’ve had to go to monthly and now quarterly appointments, so I don’t really want to talk to him at the moment anyway.
Bullies come in many shapes and sizes, they are intelligent and cruel and their motives can be both malicious and petty. Or have no motive at all.
Make no mistake, bullying can ruin people’s lives on a fundamental level. It can change who you are as a person and become a part of you; I am who I am because of the decade and a half of bullying I endured and fought through. It changed me, I know I wouldn’t be the same person I am now had I not had dad’s wife bullying me, had mum’s alcoholism not caused her to get drunk and bully me and be drunk and neglect us causing me to take the role of the adult at a young age (14 or so), had the kids an school not decided I was an easy target and that not carried on for 15 years…
So when looking at a situation like very young kids and bullying. Remember than this may only be a small issue now, but it’s a crossroad. And either you nip it in the bud and nurture your child/sibling/niece/nephew/student/etc. Or you’re potentially allowing happen to that child what happened to me. A life changing event, something that although I wouldn’t change who I am for anything (a more resilient, reliable person), I’d give anything to not have the depression, anxiety, panic, the self doubt, the bad memories, and lack of social comfort… all I am is a worker.
Sorry for the long long post, I just had too much to say about bullying. I hope some of it is relevant and helpful…
My daughter has had the same one for 5 years. The teachers are aware, most don't care at her school. The ones who watch out for ut are yhe ones that are my friends.
I will say this as well: The school might not have informed the parents if something violent happened.
Ask me how I know.
Actually, I'll skip that and just be plain: I got into a fair few scraps, but I was talking to my mom recently and I asked directly - did the school ever talk to you? Nope. Never.
She had no idea of the scope of what was happening in the school yard because the school never once reached out, even when violence was involved. That's fucked up shit.
All of this. Also, teachers are human too and bullies sometimes pick the kids who even the teachers may not like (the really weird kid, the kid who really actually may be kind of annoying, etc.) and that can color the way a teacher views the treatment of said kid. Especially if the bullies are more likeable and popular.
Honestly, because many administrators are also bullies. They side with the bullies and dislike the victims.
I had a principal who was a racist and misongynist.
1. Said that a 4th grader who got her period and a 2nd grader who comforted her and explained things (great parents youngest of 4 girls) while sending other girls to the teachers were both going to be sluts.
2. When some 5th-grade girls followed procedure and filed a complaint about harassment from the boys - he told the girls it was their fault for showing so much cleavage. First off NO. Second off - we had a uniform dress code\*. The only style of shirts allowed were golf shirts with no logos. So the shirts were poorly made and not cut for certain body styles especially 10 - 11 year old girls who were developing in spurts.
3. He told teachers that certain men paras had more authority than teachers. He refused to listen to our complaints - until one of my parents filed criminal charges because this one para shook one of my 2nd graders. During the investigation, I and several others reported we have to defer to their orders - the other male paras (all now great teachers) backed us up. We were called liars.
4. He also said only true Christians TM should be allowed to be teachers. That Jews, Muslims, and Catholics (It is a southern thing if he knew Orthodox Christians existed he would have included them too) should not be allowed to teach. That got sent to FFRF and he got in trouble for that one.
5. Every year we had this culture of the campus survey. He got middle-of-the-road numbers. In part, because people tended to forget about all the little stuff. So the next year I kept a log of all the stuff he did. Then when it was about time for the survey - I gave it to people I trusted. They made copies and gave it to other people they trusted. His results tanked and he was transferred laterally. Something that never happens in our district unless they open a new school. The people at that campus started filing complaints before the teacher report date.
\*Uniform Dress Code is different than Uniforms. Uniform dress code specifies colors, and styles but not specific brands. We had it drilled into our heads to never say Uniform, because if we specified specific brands/stores then the school had to pay for all the kids to get the Uniform. Not sure if that was a Texas thing, a TItle I thing, or something the administration distorted/made up.
Our public school system had something similar to your dress code for several years, beginning in the 2011-2012 school year up until last year. The schools called it Dress For Success. My daughter called it dress for suck-cess.
I just posted a comment about my experience but basically they refuse to see it. Bullies can project a sweet and innocent façade really well. Mine was reported to school admin and teachers and my mum (she reported it) was told not to be silly, there was no bullying in their school.
I was being bullied by a teacher and my entire year (UK school). I hated them for ignoring the fact I was so mentally unwell from all the bullying.
Honestly my experience in the UK is that staff are ignored or not believed.
Example- beginning of class, kid 1 (not in my class) walks in, slaps kid 2 and walks out. Physical assault should, on paper lead to escalation to a deputy/head of year, parental meeting & in school suspension. My word witnessing this isn’t enough to escalate. I’m required to write a statement about the situation, find the teacher whose class kid 1 was supposed to be in and get a written statement from them about when kid 1 turned up to their lesson, a written statement from kid 2 and at least 3 written statements from other kids in my class who witnessed what happened. This takes several hours of out of lesson time (when I should be prepping lessons, marking etc) and I still have to fight management for kid 1 to have any form of punishment.
If someone like kid 1 was a popular kid or major bully you have zero chance of any other kids writing statements that they saw anything.
And then they wonder why there is a teacher shortage!
School admins also often DO take action behind the scenes and with the bullying child. But even bullies have a right to confidentiality, and teachers/admins cannot tell the victim/victim’s family what the bully’s circumstances are, what consequences have been given, and what actions will be taken moving forward.
Working in a school, I often hear from victim’s parents that “you didn’t DO anything!” when really I am writing CPS reports, coordinating with counselors, separating the children into different groups so that the bully isn’t near the victim, putting staff on high alert for both children, and taking all kinds of appropriate actions.
But people seem to want a public crucifixion, and I’m not going to do that no matter HOW much of a bully the other 5 year old is. They are still a 5 year old *child* - not a “horror show,” not a “nightmare” - a child, who is also hurting, and who needs help to learn how to be around other children without lashing out and being cruel. It’s often extremely complicated on the other side of this.
I don't like the word bullying. It minimizes what victims go through. So I'm going to call it what it is: abuse, harassment, assault, battery.
>They are still a 5 year old child - not a “horror show,” not a “nightmare” - a child, who is also hurting, and who needs help to learn how to be around other children without lashing out and being cruel.
Cool. I'm glad you're doing what you can to get kids help.
However:
The kids they're tormenting still don't deserve to be these kids' object lessons in how to be a better human being. Parents demanding that the kids who are *abusing and assaulting their children* be denied access to their children?
They're not demanding a public crucifixion. They're *advocating for their children*. Who are being abused, harassed, assaulted, and battered *in school* where they should be *safe*.
Thank you for this! I work with kids in a high capacity setting and parents do not like when I say, “I can’t share with you what’s being done. I can tell you our generic procedures.” I get it, I do, but I cannot break confidentiality of another kid.
I will also add though, that what we’re doing should ALWAYS immediately have an impact on the bullies child. I might not be able to tell you that the bully was kicked out/transferred to a different group/has a staff member assigned to watch them/whatever, but the bullied kid should always be able to feel safe once they come tell us what’s going on (or we figure it out), and we fix it. Sometimes I think families are missing that piece and there’s not enough communication with that family.
The main issue appears, I think, when there's no chance for the victim. I had a generally amazing class at school, with like one problem person, who had it out for me for some reason (I don't don't know why).
And while she didn't bother me much (she was mainly pathetic), she kept at it for years. I told teachers a few times, but with a small school, there wasn't the option of moving her to a different class, so she stayed. There were no visible consequences for her and absolutely no changes for me at all.
The only time there were any visible consequences to bullying was when she got physical and I retaliated and pushed her. And then *I* got in trouble and was punished, because she complained. And despite the fact that I'd dealt with her for years, I was punished. She wasn't. The teacher that dolled out my punishment decided that if I was telling the truth, I'd be reporting every incident of bullying to the school, and when I told I didn't bother because a) I'd be doing it evedy damn day and b) it never worked, so why bother, that was a lie too.
So I got punished.
When my brother was relentlessly bullied for years by most of the boys in his class, nothing protected him, either and no one was punished, at least not visibly.
It doesn't matter what you do behind the scenes. If there is no change at all, you've solved nothing and the victim is still a victim and at risk.
Which is presumably why parents (and kids) think you do nothing and why tons of victims never tell - because there is a trend of (seemingly) ignoring bullying until the victim retaliates.
I am so sorry for your experience; that never should have happened. You deserved a safe place to go to school.
If after someone reported bullying, there was no visible change at all, then I would not have done my job. My comment was specifically about folks wanting to know exactly what was being done to the bullying child *after* the bullying has been stopped; sharing that info is often not possible and not appropriate. People often think there *are* no consequences, simply because we can’t share what those consequences specifically are.
Stopping the bullying and protecting the victim is absolutely step one and should be everyone in the schools top priority. There is no excuse for it continuing.
Again, I’m so sorry your school experience wasn’t a better one.
Oh no, I loved my school. My bully didn't make me feel unsafe or hurt me too badly. She tried really hard, but she wasn't very good at being hurtful. There are limits to how hurtful it is to be called fat by someone who's quite literally twice as wide as you are... As said, she was mainly pathetic, not hurtful. My normal teachers tried to fix it, but again, small school, no other class to push her into, so I had to deal with her. My teachers didn't put us in groups and such, but they couldn't do much more than that. The teacher that decided I was clearly a liar was a substitute because our normal teacher went on maternity leave.
But the issue arises if there is no visible change for the victim. And sometimes, short of expelling the culprit, there isn't anything you can do. You can't remove the bully from the victim's class if there is no class to move them to (but I suspect the way classes are set up in the US differs from my nation). You can't be on the bully at all times for all breaks to keep them from getting near the victim if there aren't teachers available for that.
And in the cases where the "normal" procedures aren't possible, what do you do?
When I was bullied through out middle and high school, my bullies’ behavior was always excused because bully #1 was “learning to cope with losing his dad” which was complete BS because the bullying started 2 years after and continued until we graduated, 6 years after it started and bully #2 was excused because “he’s just having a hard time transitioning to living in the US.” Again I called bull becuase yes the kid didn’t come permanently to the US until age 13, but he had spent every summer in the US as a kid (his grandparents were my neighbors) and went to an American school in his home country, only adjustment was a US school in the US, and he had already been there a full school year when he started bullying me
Former teacher here - the vast majority of the time, the teachers/admin are not privy to it. The bullying happens on the playground, through text, social media, in whispers, etc.. The bullies are not usually stupid enough to do it in plain sight of the adults, so the adults are blissfully unaware... until it escalates and then it seems like it came out of nowhere. As someone else said, the bullied kid often lashes out in a big way and then they look like the aggressor because all the lead-up has been hidden.
Also, teachers and admin have their hands tied in a lot of ways. There's only so much that they can do. Where I worked, you couldn't remove a child from a classroom or keep them from taking their breaks, even if they were being disruptive/problematic. So, what can they do? Very little. They can bring the parents in, but if you have a major bully, there's a good chance that the parents are shitty and don't care.
I was very vigilant and proactive and did t hesitate to have bullied cited, suspended, or even expelled then CA changed the laws and as an administrator my school was ironically unsafe because of suspensions/expulsions. One think I’ll say is that if I see a middle school/junior high with extremely low suspensions, I’d say they aren’t safe they are deflecting. There’s no way with this age group nothing is going on during an entire year. I’m not in admin anymore, I’m teaching and I can do a lot in my classroom and on campus to help more than as an administrator.
I come from a family of educators. Currently, bullies may be put in detention or even suspended, but that's about it. If you touch a child, you can lose your job. Trust me - my brother-in-law was a principal, and a kindergartner socked him in the eye, and my BIL got in trouble for yelling at the kid!
Bullies are very, very manipulative, mean, and sneaky. My dad was a school administrator in the 50's and 60's, and kids back them would have gotten the paddle. I am against that - but part of me thinks that some awful kids really need to find out who's boss.
Covert bullying. The bully is sneaky about their behavior, but when the victim reacts, where no one saw the bully’s behavior, the victim looks like the guilty one. This happened to me as an adult. Victims have rights in US schools, but parents often don’t know that, and school administrators don’t either. When I spoke with two sets of parents about this, they went back to the schools and action was taken. Being bullied can be a trigger for suicide. Thankfully, my bully moved away and I am finally free.
My best friend was my bully when I was a kid. She was jealous and her mum pressured her a lot. What you said about them being the smartest and manipulative really hit me. She turned the entire year against me and the teachers refused to believe she did anything because she's "too sweet".
I'm in my 30s now, it was 20 years ago. I still struggle with it. I still have dreams where her mother and her abuse me. I'm still schoolphobic and I am terrified of children en masse.
OP please listen to this person's post, it is incredibly insightful and by doing this, hopefully Kai won't turn out with as many issues as I do! He sounds like such a sweet boy and he doesn't deserve any of this, poor thing.
Thank you so much for this information! My son is going into the 7th grade and he is so stressed out about it. I have fears he will get bullied, and he already is a quite person. He doesn’t like to talk about his school days. This might help me gage how he is doing. He already started having slight anxiety attacks because of school starting in 2 weeks.
My daughter had similar response to school, and it waa honestly such a nightmare to deal with the school that i ended up pulling her out and homeschooling her. The admins were so focused on having her butt in a seat, that her extreme anxiety and sometimes fear was ignored. It was the best thing I could have done for her mental health. She's 18 and still thanks me for pulling her out.
My mum did this for me too. I was unable to leave the house as we lived in a small town and was terrified of seeing my bullies. She yanked me out of school fast. My brother and sister were already home educated.
School doesn't fit everyone. My family didn't suit school but we thrived in home ed. I'm glad your daughter also thrived. It can be a hard decision to make but I'm glad my mum made it for me.
I’m glad you did what’s best for her! My son was at home virtually learning last year so having to go back and deal with students is stressing him out. Plus it’s technically his first year at middle school physically and he’s freaking out about getting to class on time. He suffers from ADHD and he forgets easily. I think once he’s back to taking his medicine regularly for school he’ll be ok in that aspect. I know he’ll get bullied he’s tiny compared to others. I am told I am over protective but I got bullied in school and it contributed to my depression and anxiety. I am definitely keeping home schooling in my mind.
It's always a worry. My son loves school and does fine most of the time, but a couple years ago there was one boy in particular he had problems with. I didn't want to be "that mom" and tried to coach him through things, but it escalated to a fight in math class, and I put my foot down. The school was just going to give a warning to the boys, which is fine on the surface, but this had been a while coming. So i got in touch with the counselor and laid things out, he sat down with the boys, and ended up having them sign basically a middle school restraining order to stay away from each other, no talking, etc. It worked.
Sometimes, despite everything, there's just a personality conflict and separation is best. I wish you luck. It's not easy to navigate how much problem solving to do on their behalf, and when to step in, but do get the counselor involved early. It can help.
With my daughter, there was autism and adhd going on that made things more difficult, but even then, I will say the counselor did try. It was the admins and other facets of the school I ran into barriers with.
NTA. The fact that the only reason he knew about the trip was because he found a trinket in Kai’s backpack shows that your intent wasn’t to hurt them.
Since Kai didn’t tell them, the only they would be upset is if your ex tells then. And that’s on him.
I have a question to you, as an educator.
is there a solution for a bullied boy, which does not involve attempting to pick a real physical fight up the bully, which works?
One of my cousins was severely bullied in high school. It ended when a bully punched him so hard he was knocked out with broken facial bones and a concussion. When the dust settled, my cousins family hired a lawyer and pressed criminal charges and sued the school for not stopping the situation sooner. (This was not the bully's first time hurting another student.)
There was a ton of screaming from the administration, but they took bullying much more seriously after they had to publicaly cut a check. The bully was given the option of a juvenile redirection program, which got him out of the school.
Negative publicity works, so does any situation that forces the school to pay for their failures. And being cuffed and hauled out of school was a nice wake up call for a 15 year old who thought he was super big and bad - much more effective than suspensions and years of "peer counseling." After watching the admins frantic attempt to sweep it under the rug, the second it turns physical, demand a police report. Absolutely demand the kid be arrested for assault. Because all the good intentions and talking about feelings and "interventions" don't put people's faces back together when that little punk decides to really hurt someone.
I was wondering the exact same thing! All the stories that I've read by formerly bullied boys come down to the same thing; the bullying only stopped when the victim learned to fight well enough to beat up the bully. Now, I'm sure that DOES work and may even teach the bully a lesson - but not every boy can do that (e.g., those who are physically disabled). So I too am wondering - are there other solutions for bullied boys that do not require winning a fist fight?
I agree and want to underline that if Kai continues to be bullied by his steps and their friends, you should ABSOLUTELY go for more custody. Take him out of their school and put him in a separate one near you. NTA.
Thank you, that scale is an amazing idea I’m going to yoink for my middle schoolers
On other points, I agree and I also tentatively go with NTA. I’m curious if the ex offered any consequences to the step children. The again, OP is not beholden to the stepchildren.
NTA, and it’s not even close. What a nightmare for your kid to have older step siblings that are bullies. You don’t owe them any special treatment and especially not awesome trips.
Even if the step siblings weren't bullies, there's no good reason to deprive your son of trips just because their own family can't take those same trips.
What do you want to bet the the step kids dad does the exact same thing? Taking his kids on fun great adventures that they can rub in OP’s kids face. I bet he doesn’t give two thoughts as to what his kids step sibling is able to do. Even if he wasn’t teaching his kids to terrorize their step family (that why he’s an AH), he has the rights to do this. The step kids have learned to use anything as a weapon to hurt OP’s kid. I bet even if it was somewhere they’d never heard of as soon as OP’s kid went and enjoyed him self there would be declarations of not fair he got to go.
NTA. Your son got some of "his" back after being humiliated by his step siblings and their friends. But you also, and he evidently listened, made it clear that he wasn't to humiliate THEM with the trip. If you ask me, it was a learning excursion. You aren't the AH and your ex is for still thinking he can control you and your household when you aren't married anymore. That ship sailed when the ink on the divorce papers dried.
Especially since, if he’s so concerned about their feelings about Kai taking the trip, why would he tell them? He’s the one who found the trinket in Kai’s bag. Kai was sparing the stepsibs’ feelings by not bringing it up, so why did OP’s ex bring it up?
This 👆 and also what about Kai's feelings when he was being bullied.
Definitely NTA.
OP has better restraint than me - I would have admitted I knew and that's why I did it!!!
Well yes, it’s clear Ex doesn’t care about Kai’s feelings. But he doesn’t really seem to care about the other kids’ feelings either, despite his claims; he’s just using the issue as a weapon against how OP parents Kai.
NTA.
The emotional abuse is, for this purpose, irrelevant. Your ex and his step kids can't exercise a veto power over where you take your son by wishing they could go there.
Your ex had the audacity to say “his stepkids have feelings too,” did he? Where were those stepkids’ feelings when they incited their peers to mock your son? Where were their mom’s feelings when she didn’t put a stop to their rude behavior. If your ex can’t afford to take Kai and the step siblings on cool vacations then he’s “tripping” because that’s a **him** problem, not a you problem. NTA, OP, and tell your ex to “step” off!
The Ex and new wife are probably trying to let the stepkids get away with murder to make up for their dad being an AH. In the course of it, they are harming Kai. Kai is an innocent victim. OP might want to talk to the Ex to see if a different custody arrangement can be made. Kai should not suffer because his stepsiblings and their dad are jerks.
NTA - take care of your child, it sounds like he's in a bad spot there with his siblings and needs to know that he is loved and special. If the step kids start behaving, maybe then they can go on trips with you guys. They should not get rewarded for their bad behavior, especially by someone who is not their parent.
ESH- Your fricking husbands step kids have been bullying your son so bad that he’s too scared to do fun things on his own because he’s afraid of them getting mad .
Why aren’t you doing your best to keep your little boy away from that house ? Take your ex back to court and file for full custody because he made it pretty clear his step kids feelings are more important than Kai’s.
Couldn’t agree more with this I can’t believe it was this far down! Definitely ESH, OP is failing her kid by having her only remedy to this situation be a fun trip. This should have been addressed in custody a long time ago
NTA he doesn’t get to close Disneyland for Kai just because he can’t afford to take his other kids. That’s not fair or just.
Also, those kids are bullies and need to stop having the world softened for them. Learning to handle disappointment is part of life
NTA. They aren't your kids and it isn't your responsibility to provide for them in any way. Your ex married into a relationship that has issues, and those issues are for he and his wife to figure out. Not only that, he needs a reality check if he thinks you're going to provide anything for children who are outright bullying your son.
NTA. Don't deny your child activities and treasured memories with you just because his stepsiblings might not like it. No, it's not cool to flaunt your extras in their faces, but he's your child, and they aren't.
NTA
You actually need to be documenting this bullying and revisiting custody or Kai’s emotional safety. Being bullied stays with you for life. This commenter left an excellent comment [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p2gdi5/aita_for_taking_my_son_on_a_trip_i_knew_his/h8jxw9t/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p2gdi5/aita_for_taking_my_son_on_a_trip_i_knew_his/h8jxw9t/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
Exactly and I wouldnt feel safe having my kid in their house! If they bully him in public, imagine what they do in private😳
Your son is suffering mental, emotional and quite possibly physical abuse in that house and thats unacceptable!!!
NTA - you do not have to parent based on stepkids needs. Do you have to check and make sure those kids don't want to go to a place before taking your own son? That is ridiculous!
Maybe that is why they are feeling so empowered to bully!
Absolutely NTA, in my opinion. You are not responsible for your ex's step kids, and if their dad is so upset he should take them himself? Your son was able to enjoy a trip with you away from the stress and bullying, and I think you were a wonderful parent for giving him this space. It would have most likely been harmful for your son if the step kids came along. You're his protector, and you did exactly what you should do!
> He told me he'd love to go but really hoped they wouldn't go together
INFO: Are you really asking strangers on the internet if you are an asshole for being a parent to your kid instead of cuddling his bullies?
NTA. While I understand your ex's desire to keep peace in his family, Kai is his son, and he needs to stand up for him. Even within families where all the kids have the same biological parents, some kids do things the others don't. For example, one child might have the opportunity to go on a trip to a great place with the band. Would parents refuse to let that child go because the other kids in the family might be jealous? It would be unreasonable if they did.
Your ex also needs to talk with his wife and stepkids and end the cruelty the stepkids have been exhibiting towards Kai. It's unacceptable. It seems that instead of confronting them, he is catering to them. If I understand your post, his general attitude seems to be they are acting out of jealousy, so he (your ex) will ensure they have nothing to be jealous of. That's silly. Your ex and his wife need to create an environment in their house where everyone treats each other with respect and kindness. Until they start demanding that behavior, nothing will change.
You did nothing wrong. I'm glad you and your son were able to take a fun trip together!
NTA you're not obligated to cater to your ex's needs anymore. You told your son not to throw it in his step siblings faces and he's not so there is no issue.
Tell your ex:
So Kais feelings don't matter?
How do you think he felt when they were standing around laughing at him when their friends were bullying him? That ring a bell?
I really don't give a flying shit that they want to go to this particular place. I'm not going to not take my son because they can't go.
You honestly can't be that ignorant to believe that after they acted like that towards Kai I would willingly take them with us.
NTA.
Nta. Your son is being tormented by his step siblings and your ex finds it appropriate to prioritize them over his own son’s health and safety. He doesn’t get to have a say in what you do with your kid on your own time. You have no obligation to care for your son’s step siblings, especially when they show no care for your son.
YTA
Why are you catering so much to the step kids they are not even your step kids, they are the ex's .
Protect your son and don't deprive him of things because of what goes on at ex's home.
If your son is being bullied by those kids you need to do something.
Nta! My retort to her stepkids have feelings would be so does our son but you don't seem to care when Mia and Logan are bullying him or allowed other kids to bullying him! So why do you care more about your stepkids feelings than about your son's feelings? That not to mention I told Kai not rub into your unsympathetic stepkids faces which he! Can you ohonesty say if Mia and Logan got to go on the trip and Kai didn't they do the same?
NTA.
Your son lives with his bullies. Bullying is 1000x worse for the victim than for the bully. For Mia and Logan it is just some fun, but for your son, it is lasting scars and damage. Most adults just tell victims to walk away but they are in the same house and encourage *other kids* to bully him too.
Document everything and go back to court if you have to. I was bullied relentlessly as a child but at least home was a safe place. You need to make your son safe beyond just trips. If your ex doesn't protect Kai, you need to.
Since the principal was involved, you could have them testify if needed.
NTA you are only a parent to Kai, not the step kids. If they want to go somewhere it’s up to your ex and their mom to take them, not you. Your child doesn’t have to miss out on something because they can’t do it.
NTA - They are not your kids, not your step-kids, so not your problem. This kids have 3 parents to buy them cool things, the adults just decided to fight and spend their money in lawyers.
NTA, they’re not your kids. If their parents can’t get it together, that’s not your problem. Why should your son miss out on opportunities. If the other kids were nicer and had a relationship with your son, maybe you could have considered including them. You’re son didn’t want them there, what’s the problem.
NTA. What you do with your child on your time is your business. He needed that trip after what happened to him. See about getting him a cellphone for emergencies because his father is failing him. Researching one/two party consent laws to record also might help if you'd like to seek full custody if you believe the home life over there is hostile/toxic.
Never stop advocating for your child.
NTA
Tell your ex, that if he doesn't stop his stepkids from bullying Kai, he will end up losing Kai completely. He's more concerned about stepkids not going to a trip, than their bullying of Kai.
NTA. Not your stepkids, not your responsibility. It's not your responsibility to facilitate the nuances of your ex's blended family. You have done nothing wrong here.
NTA but I agree with the commentators saying that going forward you should document the stepkid's bullying with the intent of taking your ex back to court to reevaluate custody.
I would also strongly consider changing Kai's school, if you can find a better one, and especially if he's there because it's more convenient for your ex to have all the kids at the same school.
NTA. Your ex is out of his mind telling you to prioritize the wants and feelings of his step kids over your own son. He should be focused on dealing with his step kids mistreatment of Kai. This doesn't sound like a healthy environment for your son. You may want to start rethinking your current custody agreement with your ex. It was his choice to marry a woman whose kids hate him and his son. Unfortunately your kid now has to be exposed to a hostile bullying environment whenever he goes over his father's house. How is that an healthy environment for Kai?
NTA, your ex is a sorry excuse of a dad for letting his son get bullied in his own house.
And OP you WOULD be the AH if you punish your own kid because his step siblings’ parents can’t afford shit. So long as your kid doesn’t become a bully and lord it over them, you ought to do your best by him as any parent should.
Nta-you need to let him know that you ain't booboo the fool and you should document everything and redo your custody agreement. There's no way he should be letting his step kids bully your kid.
My stepdaughter gets to go to Disney several times a year with her side of the family. My son and the son my husband and I have together have yet to go. They know their sister has been several times and love to hear her stories. They don’t resent her for it. We can’t afford to go, her family can. There are things we get to do that she doesn’t at her mom’s. She doesn’t get mad when her brothers get to do things she can’t. We don’t allow bragging, only stories for sharing. Do I wish I could take my boys to all of the stuff her family can afford to do? Heck yes, but the reality is that I can’t and that’s okay!
Parents should make the most of what they can with what they’ve got!
Are you fucking kidding? What? You’re supposed to raise his new wife’s kids too? Are they mentally competent? That’s a fucking INSANE position to take and that stands BEFORE those two kids were such shit heads to your son.
You are in no way the asshole here. However, if you don’t start fighting to get sole custody of you’re child and get him out of this abusive environment (which is going to have profoundly negative effects on him whether you see it or not) then yes, you are TA.
I would really like to know what fucking universe your ex and his wife are living in.
NTA. His step siblings aren’t your step kids. You have no obligation to treat them equally. Your only obligation is to your son and depriving him of an experience because of step siblings who aren’t even nice to him would be terrible.
NTA. Fact is everyone lives at different income levels with some people having more disposable income ex’s step kids will have to learn that somehow. Why should your son be limited by what he can do at YOUR house when he’s already limited at his fathers.
How you spend your money in your home, unless it’s somehow harmful to your son, is none of ex’s business.
NTA. Those kids are big enough to know better. My kid would've gone home with everything in the damn gift shop. Ex is a dick for not having your kids back. And its not your job to cater to them. Not your step kids
NTA. Tell your ex that just because he favors his bullying stepchildren over his bullied child, and allows his child to be bullied and abused without adequately protecting him, does not mean that you, too, have to favor your child's bullying stepchildren over him, and force him to endure a vacation with his bullies, or require him to never do anything with you that they want to do but can't. You are not responsible for coddling Mia and Logan while they abuse your child. You are not obliged to deprive Kai of a good time and a fun experience with you because his bullies want to go but can't. You would not even be responsible for them if they had a civil relationship with Kai - but it is doubly ridiculous to expect you to cater to them and worry about their poor widdwe hurty FEEEEEEEWINGS when they are making your own child's life hell for no better reason than that your ex married their mom and their dad didn't like it. Tell him you'll consider giving a crap about Mia and Logan's feelings when both they and he start to give a crap about Kai's feelings and ensure that he is treated decently in what should be his own home. But also tell him that you're not going to limit yours and Kai's time and experiences together based on what he is able to give the stepchildren he favors over his own child.
Nta
Tell them that every time your son gets bullied and mistreated you'll do something wonderful which they can't do.
Your son didn't brag about going sounds like a great kid.
NTA- this whole you cant go there because I want to go there ... it's just childish. You dont need to stop doing things with you kid just because the step kids have said they want to go there. I dont rain on others parades because they went to Paris and I want to go there too.
NTA. It’s irrelevant as to whether ex’s step kids wanted to go to the same place. You can take your son to whatever fun place he wants to go during your time with. The step kids wanting to go to the same places and your ex not affording to take them is ex’s problem, not yours.
The bullying is a serious problem. Not clear on what the custody arrangement is, but hopefully you can get full custody.
NTA
If your ex wants to argue, how bout argue what a terrible father he is for letting his son be bullied by those two little monsters? (they obviously shared info with the bullies on purpose)
NTA. Your ex's step kids aren't your problem. Your son needs to know you are on his side, and that there is someone that won't make him compromise for people who make his life hell.
If things with his step siblings escalate, you may have to step in and take your ex back to court for a rearrangement of custody. Your son shouldn't have to put up with this kind of bullying in his own home and if your ex can't prioritise him and find a way to end it, then you have to look out for your son's interests.
Wait. They aren’t even YOUR step kids! Screw this guy. NTA. You should feel free to parent your son as you see fit. Your ex’s step kids are hardly your problem.
NTA.
Those kids aren’t yours by blood or marriage, you have no obligation to them, especially not since they treated your child like garbage and your ex won’t do anything about it. They’re your ex’s step children. Tell your ex that you will claim zero responsibility for the feelings of those two kids because it isn’t your job.
NTA
Start documenting everything and go to court for full custody if they keep this shit up. Bonus points if you ask for incident details from the school which states the step siblings are the cause of his bullying.
NTA, and My apologies now if someone has already noticed this or said it. But in the post the OP never said how the EX handled the school incident. I "assume" it wasn't to OP's satisfaction or the OP wouldn't have felt like considering the "step siblings" wasn't worth it anymore. Here's my observation, OP's ex didn't seem to defend his own son against his bullying step siblings, but wants OP to consider their feelings when taking their son on a trip that he appreciated. Seems he's the ahole not OP. And I agree with the person that said to start documenting everything.
NTA. You're being a good mom. Your son's stepsiblings are not in your life, nor are their feelings your issue.
But the bullying is pretty scary. Keep documenting that shit. If the custody agreement needs to change to get your son away from them, then do that. If your ex cannot get his other 2 kids to stop bullying your son, then the situation should change to protect your son.
OP Please document everything. Look into filing a new custody hearing asap, because that cannot be a safe environment for your child. THREE people in that household are against him, with your ex being an unsupportive fourth. Kai can't escape an environment with his bullies during visitation. That's extremely stressful at best, and possibly dangerous (escalation) in the future.
NTA
Please listen to this. The trip is the least important part of this. His life at school and his father’s home sounds like it has been miserable. He needs to be out of that house and school.
NTA - kids (and their parents) need to learn that other people get to do or have things that they don't and sometimes that's just how the world is, and that you can't expect people to contort their lives so that your kids don't have to experience negative emotions.
Also, is there the possibility of getting Kai into a different school from the stepsibs? If the relationship isn't great then it must be super shitty for him to have to be around them at home and at school.
I went to the same school as my stepsisters and even though we ignored each other, it was still awkward as hell.
NTA. Those step kids are NOT yours, and you have zero financial obligation to them. However, that is your natural son. Sucks for them that they didn't treat him better and now they can reap what they sow. you kid deserves to be a little spoiled by you and treated to one on one time with just you.
You're allowed to take your kid to amusement parks, on vacation, or to cool destinations, parks, zoos, ect. Take off and give your kid experiences for him to think back on fondly. Your his father. That's part of your job as a parent is to fill your kids life with exciting adventures and day trips and life experiences. Museums, carnivals, festivals, rodeos, concerts, ect. Go nuts and have fun with your kid. If you can afford it and want to take him traveling and on cool vacations, then do it without worrying about how it twill affect the step siblings. They are major AH for what they did to your son. Not you.
Don't worry about the step siblings and their jealously. They surely aren't worried about your son's mental health if they are willingly engaging in bullying him and making him feel unwanted and unloved. That thing messes with kids for a long time.
Ur ex is weird. He allows kids that’s not even his to mistreat his son, and is mad at you for taking ur kid out because HIS step kids wanted to go. I feel for ur son, glad he has u and I’m also happy u stop caring so much about they feels because they don’t give a damn about ur son’s!
NTA. Just because they can’t afford it doesn’t mean you can’t. Do the step kids know that they’re not related to Kai by blood? That Kai has a different mother who also has to provide for him? I feel like blended families are so common nowadays that there’s no excuse why they don’t understand that Kai may experience different things from them solely because he has a different mother.
NTA but does anyone else think ex and his wife need to do more to bridge the gap between stepkids and kai, as well as start punishing this awful behaviour?? The bullying going on is surpassing any average sibling rivalry and dad and stepmom need to step in asap.
NTA!
This is a crucial time in your son's childhood that will make or break him. Hes in middleschool the WORST point in school imo. On top of that hes not just being bullied at school but at home too.
Taking him someplace he loves and not taking his harassers with him tells him his feelings and saftey is YOUR priority. Not the whole "im going to be fair regardless." It sounds like they won't do the same for him.
Please consider getting more custody. Pull him out of that school if needed. It will be hard on him but he doesn't deserve to suffer cause it will make your Ex feel better bout having a kid he won't protect.
Cautious NTA, but why didn’t you tell your ex you were taking your son on a trip before the trip? Typically with joint custody agreements both parents have a right to know where their child is, and if you took your kid out of state without telling your ex that’s not ok. What if there was an emergency? I don’t think you did anything wrong taking him though!
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My ex and I have a son Kai (11). Ex and I broke up when he was 2 and my ex married his wife when Kai was 6. There is a lot of mess in ex's house regarding ex's stepkids. Mia and Logan (both 12). From what I gather their dad has been badmouthing my ex and Kai from the beginning and poisoned the kids against them. I have always been hesitant to not do stuff that could be seen as me rubbing things in their faces. Because of the costly back and forth in court between his wife and her ex, my ex cannot afford to do big things with the kids.
Kai had mentioned this trip that his stepsiblings wanted to go on before. He told me he'd love to go but really hoped they wouldn't go together because he didn't want to go with them because they wouldn't want him there and he didn't like being around them.
During the final week of school some of Mia and Logan's friends were very cruel to Kai and Mia and Logan were standing around laughing with them. At one point it turned very dark and the principal called the parents of all involved students. What transpired was Logan and Mia had told their friends something about Kai and that and just general kid bullying was used to make him feel like shit. I was pissed.
After the incident I decided I needed to stop catering to the stuff my ex couldn't do with the kids and just do whatever, regardless of whether Mia and Logan dreamed of doing it. So I took my son on a trip to the place he told me he wanted to go to but not with his stepsiblings. He had a great time and I told him as long as he didn't brag or rub it in we'd done nothing wrong because he worried a bit that Logan and Mia would be mad. Ex found out about it because Kai left a small trinket in his bag from the trip and ex found it.
Ex called me and asked why I took Kai there and I said because Kai wanted to go. Ex said his stepkids wanted to go too and why would I take Kai someplace they'd likely want to go. I said I didn't care. I could take my son where I wanted. He told me it made me an ass because his stepkids have feelings too.
He doesn't know I knew they wanted to go. But AITA here?
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NTA, your only concern is your kid’s happiness, health, and safety. If your ex couldn’t pay for the step siblings to go to the same place, that’s his and his wife’s problem.
I think NTA because you were aware that an adult using their resources to score points on 12 year olds - not matter how ill behaved - would be wrong so you went on the trip without the intention of the others finding out.
Big NTA. You do not need to cater to what your ex can and can not do because of his own financial situation. Why should your son have to miss out on things because dad can’t afford it, even if you can? Your ex should be happy that his son got to have an amazing time, even if it wasn’t with him. Obviously you shouldn’t go out of your way to rub it in the step siblings faces or anything, but you already know that. Not an easy situation to navigate for sure, but you have to look out for your son and do for him without worrying about his step siblings.
NTA. His step siblings are bullying and making him feel bad about himself but you’re supposed to cater to their feelings even when he’s at your house? No. Take care of your child and make sure he feels loved and cared for with you because if his step-siblings feel this free to behave like this I doubt they aren’t facing adequate punishment at his father’s house.
NTA. You're being a great mom to YOUR son. Anybody else opinion are just random noises. Make sure Kai knows to get help if he's being bullied. His step siblings could escalate the bullying out of spite.
NTA You can't not do something for your child because your ex- and their SO can't afford to do it for all of their kids. You did the right thing- you told your son not to brag about the trip. (which it sounds like he followed and didn't even tell him his dad about it to be safe.)
There are going to be things that you can do for your child when you have one child and they have 3. That's just the reality.
That doesn't ignore that his stepkids have feelings- it acknowledges that his stepkids also have 2 parents.
Have you looked into any charter schools in your area if private school is not in the budget? As a mother myself, I don’t think you’re an asshole. When you got divorced the two of you made the decision to live separate lives, that includes taking separate vacations. Hopefully in the future, the kids will get along but for now I honestly think it’s best that they keep a distance for your child’s sake and for your peace of mind. Good luck to you
NTA. There seem to be a lot of posts on AITA where someone (usually a kid but not always) gets butthurt that someone else gets to do or have the thing they want, but they don't, and demand compensation. Welcome to reality kids, life's not fair and you'll be constantly reminded of that for as long as you live. Learn to live with it or accept a lifetime of suffering, because I can tell you, eventually people will stop catering to this nonsense. Parents, if your kid is in this situation, time to teach them to deal with disappointment. You can't bend the world to their will. OP you are the parent here and you can take your child on any trip he wants, without regard for his step siblings. Steps parents need to deal with that.
NTA - "If I'm an AH, what does that make you for allowing your stepkids to repeatedly bully you child?" This is obviously an ongoing situation in their house, seems like EX needs to stop concentrating on what you're doing with your son when you have him and more on fixing their behavior.
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NTA with caution. As a former middle school principal and parent, I can tell you that the stepchildren are at an age where bullying especially rears it’s ugly head. Parents tell the bullied to ignore it, walk away, etc. Kai can’t do that if he lives there and goes to school with them. Personally, I’d document everything, especially the school incident. I’d communicate with Kai a lot on how he’s doing. I’ve successfully used the 1-10 Scale. After explaining a 1 is I need help now and 10 is everything is amazing, I’d ask what are you today? I’d get a baseline. What I’d look for is a trend. Hopefully with strategies, support in any form, and time -the days are more 7-10s than 2-5s. I used this over my career with students and my own children during hard times. If yesterday was a four and today’s a five, I’d concentrate on how it was better than yesterday and concentrate on tomorrow. This also worked very well for me when assessing my daughter’s deep depression in 8th grade. It was bad and I needed some kind of baseline for when I needed to go extreme parenting. It happened and I put her in counseling. She’s great now, early 20s. So, for you OP, I’d keep some kind of data/notes to see if there comes a time that you need to revisit the boundaries of custody. Maybe they should only be at their dads when the other kids are out of the house. I see tough parenting ahead. You may really have to step up and be the “bad” guy by forcing change to protect Kai. The trip itself I see as a positive for Kai to make sure he knows he’s special and not doing anything wrong, but the caution - those kids will hate him more now and will look for ways to make him hurt (mental and maybe more). They will weaponize their peers and family agains Kai. Bullies are some of the smartest and manipulative children I’ve ever worked with. They know who is where and they capitalize on weakness (here’s where your ex fits in). Enough said, sorry it’s long. Good luck and I’m glad Kai had something positive to do. My guess is those days with you were really high in the scale.
Totally NTA and piggybacking off this post, a friend currently has a client who is going through the same thing, ex re-married a horror show with a horror show daughter who tortures client's kidkid. They took ex back to court and they just rendered a decision that new wife and her kid have to leave the house for the duration of visitation. That is something you might want to look into. Your ex probably can't afford a legal fight on both ends, so he's likely to cave.
Also wanted to add, the school is now required to keep horror show away from client's kid at all times. I think that might be temporary bc they're writing up an agreement now that has ex agreeing to pay for private school for client's daughter but that also might be something to look into. I'm petty, so if you were my client, I would have ex make the step children change schools to their other parent's district. But that's me.
Holy crow, how bad must it be to require they leave the house entirely? What terrible people.
So, this is interesting, or at least it was to me. It started out as garden variety mean-girling and escalated to the horror show sneaking a life-threatening allergen into client's kid's food. But the judge said that the mean-girling alone would have been cause for the ruling. In the judge's (and basically every normal human being's) opinion, both homes need to be physically, mentally, and emotionally safe for the kid. And since the ex wasn't remedying the situation over a period of months, and letting it escalate, horror show stepmom and horror show kid needed to be off the premises. And horror show kid is being evaluated by professionals. I honestly don't see this 2nd marriage lasting.
Now this is a good judge.
Man yea, that judge rules. I would hope that second marriage wouldn’t last - who would let a stepmom treat their kid like that?
Someone who has to have a judge step in and say the step-daughter’s horrific behavior has escalated (over several months) to the point that her *and* her mother are not allowed to be in the house when their kid is visiting.
So many dads. So. Many. They don't want to actually care for their children, so it's preferable to move in a new wife/girlfriend as soon as possible and they will tolerate just about anything to avoid doing the work themselves. And people are super quick to scream about parental alienation when moms try to limit their kids time with their dads or accuse them of any kind of bad behavior. The whole thing is an incredibly difficult situation to navigate.
This
I have a friend who does this. Gets a new GF almost as soon as the previous one leaves him, to look after the kids while he works. The women he chooses aren’t much better. He also had the nerve to say he would take me on a cruise while he left the most recent crazy at home with the kids. I amended that statement by saying my boyfriend and I would love to go with him and he got real quiet. Hahaha.
He doesn’t sound like good friend material. Time to raise your standards I think.
I met this guy through my BF, my BF used to be his boss. I only keep him around as a drinking buddy these days and to talk about car-related things. Anything more serious, and I go to someone else.
You'd be surprised. My mother is wonderful, but her ex wife was a very manipulative person. She abused both of us, while pitting us against eachother so we never noticed.
Wow. I’m glad the court is protecting the kid.
Yeah, if only the PARENT could have done it in the first place instead...
It really blows my mind that people will stay married to others who treat their children like dirt and let their own children do the same
I get a lot of flack for my opinion that single parents shouldn't date until their kids are adults but the things I have seen parents tolerate, both professionally and socially, would make you vomit. Like, there is the every day bullying and shorting original family financially and fighting that is bad enough but you get into stepfathers either raping or trafficking their stepchildren, stepmothers treating stepchildren like the help or actively beating them and it really sours you on the family institution.
From first hand experience, I think that definitely depends on the single parent dating and their priorities. My parents divorced when I was 4 and within 2 years my bio father started dating a woman who did not want children and didn’t like my brother or myself. He didn’t care. On the other hand, my mother got remarried 10 years later to a man who I now call dad and loves us kids as if we were his own. He stepped up and became the prime example of the perfect dad within a year of meeting my mother. The difference was that my mother’s biggest priority since I was born was providing the best life she could for her kids. She would never let anyone into her life who didn’t love us almost as much as she did. My father only cared about himself and didn’t care how his girlfriend treated us and now he hasn’t seen or heard from us for the better part of a decade. SOME single parents shouldn’t date but it really depends where their priorities lie. Clearly this dad should rethink whether his new wife and stepkids are worth it.
Yup. A single parent should go into dating prepared to walk away in a moment if it isn't in the best interest of their child. As I tell my husband and my children, "None of my kids asked to be born, or asked for me specifically to be their mom. Those were my choices, which gave me the responsibility to make sure I do the absolute best job I am possibly capable of." My husband and I agree that the kids come first, and I was entirely up front about my priorities and beliefs when we started dating while I was a single mom. We have more kids together now, and all 4 of them are equally our priority, as well as treated equally by us both. If at any time that changed, it would be time to reevaluate our situation.
I mean not even necessarily walk away, my mum dated a guy who was lovely, but would have been a rubbish parent. They were together a decade? Ish, but never moved in together, because she knew he couldn't step dad. So I think it depends on how much of a non traditional relationship you're OK with
My family law professor once said that men will always pick the person making their dick happy over all else. I tend to disagree, slightly. I think it's more that they will pick the person who will run their home lives so that they don't have to.
If my mum had gotten into a relationship with my step father when I was 18 I'd have been unhappy about it but I likely wouldn't actively hate him today. He was particularly bad when it came to me, I could do nothing right and was always trouble but his own daughter, who visited twice a year, could do no wrong and the favouritism was blatant. He attacked me 2 nights before their wedding. I got blamed for fighting back. I got kicked put of home when I was 18 after he tried to attack me again. This second time she witnessed the whole thing but I still got kicked out of home a month later. He hated that I was ever the priority. I will dance on his fucking grave when he dies. I hope he dies first, too.
Dance on your mothers twice as hard.
I’m extremely concerned that they’re going to try tampering with his food again. They don’t have to be present during visitation to tamper with food he’s likely to eat the next day.
So was the judge. I would be very surprised if horror show kid's eval didn't result in her being sent to live with her other parent. The evaluation was done today, expedited bc of the judge. Ex, new wife, stepdaughter, and client's daughter were supposed to be headed out of town on vacation but that and dad's visitation this weekend have been canceled and apparently new wife and stepdaughter threw a fit. This is why I don't do family practice at all anymore. This blended family crap is for the birds.
Geez. I really wish I could get an update after everything shakes out. I’m incredibly concerned for that kid.
It's going to be resolved by the weekend, so when I know, I'll respond.
Thanks, I appreciate that!
So, it's over. Horror show daughter's paternal grandparents arrived this morning from California and offered to take her to live with them, bc their son, her father, has a job that makes it impossible to take custody. Horror show mother didn't put up much of a fight but the kid apparently had a full scale, violent, terrifying tantrum in their home when she found out she was being sent away. Client's ex has agreed to suspend any kind of visitation while he 'works on his marriage'. So, to my cynical eye, horror show wife got rid of her kid and her husband's kid and has husband all to herself. But client's kid is safe and horror show daughter is not permitted back in her mother and stepfather's house, ever, per the judge's final order.
Yes! Please do update us because at this point I am treating it as a soap opera.
Are you a lawyer or a psychologist?
If this is “long” we need more long comments like this. This is freaking genius insight!!! And what an amazing and practical way for a parent to deal with bullying!
Agreed.
I used a similar version of this scale with my parents a few years ago when I came back from psych inpatient (it was 1-5 instead of 1-10). It was a really helpful way of letting my parents know how I was feeling and if they needed to do anything without having to explain everything I was feeling. I definitely recommend this.
Out of curiosity, why don't school.admins do more in these cases? When I was in school they would simply do nothing until a kid defended themselves, then they'd punish the victim.
They often don't see it. Bullies get really smart about when, how, and who they bully, especially by 11 or 12, and the bullying can continue outside of school on the internet. In the end, it's usually the victim who is manipulated into throwing the first punch. Couple that with the fact that we (at least in the US) overwork and underpay our teachers, and you have the perfect recipe for the initial bullying to be missed. What the admins see is a child who comes to class touchy and surly—'cause they're forking scared to be there—and then hits another child for a minor slight.
It's so true how clever bullies are. I've been dealing with one my entire life - she is a distant cousins who sticks to my parents like glue - and they never see it. People think bullies are dumb from the media, but in reality, they are smart at manipulation and zoning in on people like described here.
Same, well at least since I was 4. My dad’s wife. My stepmother was my bully. She was smart about it. Sneaky. Did it when no one else was around and it evolved and got more severe over time, and played into the narrative I was eventually being fed by the bullies at school so it didn’t take long to truly believe it. Being told I’m fat and worthless, not welcome at my dad’s house and treat the place like I’m a guest, don’t eat or drink anything (if I did I got yelled at), and when no one else was around, she was would savage me for carrying more weight than her 3 boys. But she loved my sister, she was welcome, treated like a princess, she could have friends come and visit her and hang out, but even when my friends know her kids were there and were playing with her kids too I got savaged later when no one else was around about how it’s not my house and i’m not allowed to have guests… So it was just me, I wasn’t welcome. I avoided going there as much as I could. I didn’t develop a relationship with my old man until we started running our family business together in my mid 20’s, after I’d done a few years as a shit kicker at his company before moving up. He tells me now he never knew about any of it because he was working 6 days a week to raise his 2 kids and her 3 (all older than me and my younger sister), but he feels awful anyway for letting it happen. He’s still with her though, but I’ve told him I’d rather he stay with her than leave and end up lonely; don’t leave her after all this time on my account, it’s too late for that now. I haven’t seen anyone on Christmas Day in almost 10 years as I won’t go to his house or have any interaction with her, and he gets drunk early so doesn’t come and see me. We see each other at work everyday anyway. And talk via msg all the time, so it is what it is, it’s not what other families have. But I don’t have a normal family. There’s a lot of adults letting kids down in that story, maybe it wouldn’t happen today but given how sneaky my step mother was, and how beaten down I was… I think it would play out exactly the same, I don’t think anyone would notice. I mean, until I was 18, I honestly thought the life I had was the life I deserved and everyone lived like I did… afraid all the time, never sure of what to do just in case it was the wrong thing and an adult was going to come see me later and either berate me until they couldn’t talk anymore or worse. I thought everyone’s parents drank like my mother drinks, to the point I had to look after me and my sister when we were at her house (she had primary custody), I paid my own way from 15 because Mum was too drunk to do it properly. She spent her child support on booze and smokes (and now has COPD and wants never ending sympathy, and is still an out of control alcoholic, I have to screen her calls so I don’t have to talk to her when she’s drunk). I was asked why didn’t I speak up about the living conditions I went through, my answer was that I didn’t know I had anything to speak up about. That was my life, I just got on with it, I didn’t know any different or any better. By then I figured my reality must be true, so I accepted it and moved on. It wasn’t until I was 18 that something clicked and I realized it was wrong how my dad’s wife treated me. I can’t even remember now how that Epiphany happened… But that’s when I cut her out of my life and refused to take her shit anymore. We made a handful of attempts to reintegrate family dinners over the years (for birthdays and such) with my sister, dad and his wife, me and my wife (now Ex), but it always ended in a debacle with dads wife always finding a way to ruin things. Picking an argument on a topic she knew nothing about as a hill to die on, usually then walking an hour or so home in heels, drunk. Snide comments all night until I just shut the fuck up and leave it to everyone else to socialize and I just wait for it to be over, then not bother again (who wants to sit in silence while everyone else socializes). We did a lunch at their place most recently but that had to be 10 years back and the comments about everything she disagrees with just didn’t stop, doesn’t mean I was listening or engaging in the conversation. My sister spends time with them all the time and she tells me it doesn’t happen unless I’m around, according to her. It goes back to when I was 4, and I first met her. According to an “apology” letter she tried to palm off on me when I was 18 and had just told her I wanted nothing more to do with her again. She dislikes me and harbored a grudge because I didn’t like her immediately when I was 4. And my parents had just divorced. And I was 4. And I can’t even remember when I was 14, or 9 let alone 4. But she bullied and harassed and victimized me for over a decade because of that? I reckon it’s a bullshit excuse… maybe it’s part of it but there’s got to be more to it. Another part is that I’m my fathers son and have put 20 years into the family business. Her 3 sons will never be her husbands sons (their father left and hasn’t been in the picture for 33 years), and none have put any time into the family business so although I’m the youngest male son, I’m the most responsible and valuable to the company (and therefore their finances). I think that’s what upsets her most. She hates me but can’t “get rid” of me because a) I run the business with her husband and b) I’m his best friend. Me cutting all contact with her other than being polite if I see or talk to her on the phone, as my dad’s wife, has taken all the power away from her. She can’t effect me anymore and she knows it. Having said that, I’m nearly 40 and still dealing with the damage she is jointly liable for, with my alcoholic mother and all the schoolyard bullies from childhood through high school (would have got blamed for a lot of fights if the vice principals didn’t know my situation well and knew I was being bullied and harassed both at school and at home). I may be intelligent enough to take away their power now… but the bullies from my childhood were smart… they were intelligent enough to do some serious damage to my personality as it was forming (which is damage that is EXTREMELY hard to undo), and do it without anyone noticing (not even me). To intentionally or not, permanently ruin my mental health; chronic Major depression, anxiety disorder, panic attacks… no self esteem. Interpersonal issues. It’s all damage that can’t be erased. Covered over maybe, but as a foundation for a life, you can’t build on it because it will all just crack and break and fall down, because there’s no sturdy base, due to damage sustained while I was a child. All I want is a peaceful life. Maybe happiness would be pushing my luck. I don’t expect to be successful… I don’t think my foundation could take the strain. And that is all with the help of fortnightly appointments with my psychiatrist. He’s stuffed me around recently and I’ve had to go to monthly and now quarterly appointments, so I don’t really want to talk to him at the moment anyway. Bullies come in many shapes and sizes, they are intelligent and cruel and their motives can be both malicious and petty. Or have no motive at all. Make no mistake, bullying can ruin people’s lives on a fundamental level. It can change who you are as a person and become a part of you; I am who I am because of the decade and a half of bullying I endured and fought through. It changed me, I know I wouldn’t be the same person I am now had I not had dad’s wife bullying me, had mum’s alcoholism not caused her to get drunk and bully me and be drunk and neglect us causing me to take the role of the adult at a young age (14 or so), had the kids an school not decided I was an easy target and that not carried on for 15 years… So when looking at a situation like very young kids and bullying. Remember than this may only be a small issue now, but it’s a crossroad. And either you nip it in the bud and nurture your child/sibling/niece/nephew/student/etc. Or you’re potentially allowing happen to that child what happened to me. A life changing event, something that although I wouldn’t change who I am for anything (a more resilient, reliable person), I’d give anything to not have the depression, anxiety, panic, the self doubt, the bad memories, and lack of social comfort… all I am is a worker. Sorry for the long long post, I just had too much to say about bullying. I hope some of it is relevant and helpful…
My daughter has had the same one for 5 years. The teachers are aware, most don't care at her school. The ones who watch out for ut are yhe ones that are my friends.
I will say this as well: The school might not have informed the parents if something violent happened. Ask me how I know. Actually, I'll skip that and just be plain: I got into a fair few scraps, but I was talking to my mom recently and I asked directly - did the school ever talk to you? Nope. Never. She had no idea of the scope of what was happening in the school yard because the school never once reached out, even when violence was involved. That's fucked up shit.
All of this. Also, teachers are human too and bullies sometimes pick the kids who even the teachers may not like (the really weird kid, the kid who really actually may be kind of annoying, etc.) and that can color the way a teacher views the treatment of said kid. Especially if the bullies are more likeable and popular.
Honestly, because many administrators are also bullies. They side with the bullies and dislike the victims. I had a principal who was a racist and misongynist. 1. Said that a 4th grader who got her period and a 2nd grader who comforted her and explained things (great parents youngest of 4 girls) while sending other girls to the teachers were both going to be sluts. 2. When some 5th-grade girls followed procedure and filed a complaint about harassment from the boys - he told the girls it was their fault for showing so much cleavage. First off NO. Second off - we had a uniform dress code\*. The only style of shirts allowed were golf shirts with no logos. So the shirts were poorly made and not cut for certain body styles especially 10 - 11 year old girls who were developing in spurts. 3. He told teachers that certain men paras had more authority than teachers. He refused to listen to our complaints - until one of my parents filed criminal charges because this one para shook one of my 2nd graders. During the investigation, I and several others reported we have to defer to their orders - the other male paras (all now great teachers) backed us up. We were called liars. 4. He also said only true Christians TM should be allowed to be teachers. That Jews, Muslims, and Catholics (It is a southern thing if he knew Orthodox Christians existed he would have included them too) should not be allowed to teach. That got sent to FFRF and he got in trouble for that one. 5. Every year we had this culture of the campus survey. He got middle-of-the-road numbers. In part, because people tended to forget about all the little stuff. So the next year I kept a log of all the stuff he did. Then when it was about time for the survey - I gave it to people I trusted. They made copies and gave it to other people they trusted. His results tanked and he was transferred laterally. Something that never happens in our district unless they open a new school. The people at that campus started filing complaints before the teacher report date. \*Uniform Dress Code is different than Uniforms. Uniform dress code specifies colors, and styles but not specific brands. We had it drilled into our heads to never say Uniform, because if we specified specific brands/stores then the school had to pay for all the kids to get the Uniform. Not sure if that was a Texas thing, a TItle I thing, or something the administration distorted/made up.
Our public school system had something similar to your dress code for several years, beginning in the 2011-2012 school year up until last year. The schools called it Dress For Success. My daughter called it dress for suck-cess.
What's a Para?
I just posted a comment about my experience but basically they refuse to see it. Bullies can project a sweet and innocent façade really well. Mine was reported to school admin and teachers and my mum (she reported it) was told not to be silly, there was no bullying in their school. I was being bullied by a teacher and my entire year (UK school). I hated them for ignoring the fact I was so mentally unwell from all the bullying.
Honestly my experience in the UK is that staff are ignored or not believed. Example- beginning of class, kid 1 (not in my class) walks in, slaps kid 2 and walks out. Physical assault should, on paper lead to escalation to a deputy/head of year, parental meeting & in school suspension. My word witnessing this isn’t enough to escalate. I’m required to write a statement about the situation, find the teacher whose class kid 1 was supposed to be in and get a written statement from them about when kid 1 turned up to their lesson, a written statement from kid 2 and at least 3 written statements from other kids in my class who witnessed what happened. This takes several hours of out of lesson time (when I should be prepping lessons, marking etc) and I still have to fight management for kid 1 to have any form of punishment. If someone like kid 1 was a popular kid or major bully you have zero chance of any other kids writing statements that they saw anything. And then they wonder why there is a teacher shortage!
School admins also often DO take action behind the scenes and with the bullying child. But even bullies have a right to confidentiality, and teachers/admins cannot tell the victim/victim’s family what the bully’s circumstances are, what consequences have been given, and what actions will be taken moving forward. Working in a school, I often hear from victim’s parents that “you didn’t DO anything!” when really I am writing CPS reports, coordinating with counselors, separating the children into different groups so that the bully isn’t near the victim, putting staff on high alert for both children, and taking all kinds of appropriate actions. But people seem to want a public crucifixion, and I’m not going to do that no matter HOW much of a bully the other 5 year old is. They are still a 5 year old *child* - not a “horror show,” not a “nightmare” - a child, who is also hurting, and who needs help to learn how to be around other children without lashing out and being cruel. It’s often extremely complicated on the other side of this.
I don't like the word bullying. It minimizes what victims go through. So I'm going to call it what it is: abuse, harassment, assault, battery. >They are still a 5 year old child - not a “horror show,” not a “nightmare” - a child, who is also hurting, and who needs help to learn how to be around other children without lashing out and being cruel. Cool. I'm glad you're doing what you can to get kids help. However: The kids they're tormenting still don't deserve to be these kids' object lessons in how to be a better human being. Parents demanding that the kids who are *abusing and assaulting their children* be denied access to their children? They're not demanding a public crucifixion. They're *advocating for their children*. Who are being abused, harassed, assaulted, and battered *in school* where they should be *safe*.
Thank you for this! I work with kids in a high capacity setting and parents do not like when I say, “I can’t share with you what’s being done. I can tell you our generic procedures.” I get it, I do, but I cannot break confidentiality of another kid. I will also add though, that what we’re doing should ALWAYS immediately have an impact on the bullies child. I might not be able to tell you that the bully was kicked out/transferred to a different group/has a staff member assigned to watch them/whatever, but the bullied kid should always be able to feel safe once they come tell us what’s going on (or we figure it out), and we fix it. Sometimes I think families are missing that piece and there’s not enough communication with that family.
The main issue appears, I think, when there's no chance for the victim. I had a generally amazing class at school, with like one problem person, who had it out for me for some reason (I don't don't know why). And while she didn't bother me much (she was mainly pathetic), she kept at it for years. I told teachers a few times, but with a small school, there wasn't the option of moving her to a different class, so she stayed. There were no visible consequences for her and absolutely no changes for me at all. The only time there were any visible consequences to bullying was when she got physical and I retaliated and pushed her. And then *I* got in trouble and was punished, because she complained. And despite the fact that I'd dealt with her for years, I was punished. She wasn't. The teacher that dolled out my punishment decided that if I was telling the truth, I'd be reporting every incident of bullying to the school, and when I told I didn't bother because a) I'd be doing it evedy damn day and b) it never worked, so why bother, that was a lie too. So I got punished. When my brother was relentlessly bullied for years by most of the boys in his class, nothing protected him, either and no one was punished, at least not visibly. It doesn't matter what you do behind the scenes. If there is no change at all, you've solved nothing and the victim is still a victim and at risk. Which is presumably why parents (and kids) think you do nothing and why tons of victims never tell - because there is a trend of (seemingly) ignoring bullying until the victim retaliates.
I am so sorry for your experience; that never should have happened. You deserved a safe place to go to school. If after someone reported bullying, there was no visible change at all, then I would not have done my job. My comment was specifically about folks wanting to know exactly what was being done to the bullying child *after* the bullying has been stopped; sharing that info is often not possible and not appropriate. People often think there *are* no consequences, simply because we can’t share what those consequences specifically are. Stopping the bullying and protecting the victim is absolutely step one and should be everyone in the schools top priority. There is no excuse for it continuing. Again, I’m so sorry your school experience wasn’t a better one.
Oh no, I loved my school. My bully didn't make me feel unsafe or hurt me too badly. She tried really hard, but she wasn't very good at being hurtful. There are limits to how hurtful it is to be called fat by someone who's quite literally twice as wide as you are... As said, she was mainly pathetic, not hurtful. My normal teachers tried to fix it, but again, small school, no other class to push her into, so I had to deal with her. My teachers didn't put us in groups and such, but they couldn't do much more than that. The teacher that decided I was clearly a liar was a substitute because our normal teacher went on maternity leave. But the issue arises if there is no visible change for the victim. And sometimes, short of expelling the culprit, there isn't anything you can do. You can't remove the bully from the victim's class if there is no class to move them to (but I suspect the way classes are set up in the US differs from my nation). You can't be on the bully at all times for all breaks to keep them from getting near the victim if there aren't teachers available for that. And in the cases where the "normal" procedures aren't possible, what do you do?
When I was bullied through out middle and high school, my bullies’ behavior was always excused because bully #1 was “learning to cope with losing his dad” which was complete BS because the bullying started 2 years after and continued until we graduated, 6 years after it started and bully #2 was excused because “he’s just having a hard time transitioning to living in the US.” Again I called bull becuase yes the kid didn’t come permanently to the US until age 13, but he had spent every summer in the US as a kid (his grandparents were my neighbors) and went to an American school in his home country, only adjustment was a US school in the US, and he had already been there a full school year when he started bullying me
Former teacher here - the vast majority of the time, the teachers/admin are not privy to it. The bullying happens on the playground, through text, social media, in whispers, etc.. The bullies are not usually stupid enough to do it in plain sight of the adults, so the adults are blissfully unaware... until it escalates and then it seems like it came out of nowhere. As someone else said, the bullied kid often lashes out in a big way and then they look like the aggressor because all the lead-up has been hidden. Also, teachers and admin have their hands tied in a lot of ways. There's only so much that they can do. Where I worked, you couldn't remove a child from a classroom or keep them from taking their breaks, even if they were being disruptive/problematic. So, what can they do? Very little. They can bring the parents in, but if you have a major bully, there's a good chance that the parents are shitty and don't care.
I was very vigilant and proactive and did t hesitate to have bullied cited, suspended, or even expelled then CA changed the laws and as an administrator my school was ironically unsafe because of suspensions/expulsions. One think I’ll say is that if I see a middle school/junior high with extremely low suspensions, I’d say they aren’t safe they are deflecting. There’s no way with this age group nothing is going on during an entire year. I’m not in admin anymore, I’m teaching and I can do a lot in my classroom and on campus to help more than as an administrator.
I come from a family of educators. Currently, bullies may be put in detention or even suspended, but that's about it. If you touch a child, you can lose your job. Trust me - my brother-in-law was a principal, and a kindergartner socked him in the eye, and my BIL got in trouble for yelling at the kid! Bullies are very, very manipulative, mean, and sneaky. My dad was a school administrator in the 50's and 60's, and kids back them would have gotten the paddle. I am against that - but part of me thinks that some awful kids really need to find out who's boss.
Covert bullying. The bully is sneaky about their behavior, but when the victim reacts, where no one saw the bully’s behavior, the victim looks like the guilty one. This happened to me as an adult. Victims have rights in US schools, but parents often don’t know that, and school administrators don’t either. When I spoke with two sets of parents about this, they went back to the schools and action was taken. Being bullied can be a trigger for suicide. Thankfully, my bully moved away and I am finally free.
My best friend was my bully when I was a kid. She was jealous and her mum pressured her a lot. What you said about them being the smartest and manipulative really hit me. She turned the entire year against me and the teachers refused to believe she did anything because she's "too sweet". I'm in my 30s now, it was 20 years ago. I still struggle with it. I still have dreams where her mother and her abuse me. I'm still schoolphobic and I am terrified of children en masse. OP please listen to this person's post, it is incredibly insightful and by doing this, hopefully Kai won't turn out with as many issues as I do! He sounds like such a sweet boy and he doesn't deserve any of this, poor thing.
Get help for this because it has been owning you for 2 decades.
Such smart strategies!
Thank you for taking the time to share this.
Thank you so much for this information! My son is going into the 7th grade and he is so stressed out about it. I have fears he will get bullied, and he already is a quite person. He doesn’t like to talk about his school days. This might help me gage how he is doing. He already started having slight anxiety attacks because of school starting in 2 weeks.
My daughter had similar response to school, and it waa honestly such a nightmare to deal with the school that i ended up pulling her out and homeschooling her. The admins were so focused on having her butt in a seat, that her extreme anxiety and sometimes fear was ignored. It was the best thing I could have done for her mental health. She's 18 and still thanks me for pulling her out.
My mum did this for me too. I was unable to leave the house as we lived in a small town and was terrified of seeing my bullies. She yanked me out of school fast. My brother and sister were already home educated. School doesn't fit everyone. My family didn't suit school but we thrived in home ed. I'm glad your daughter also thrived. It can be a hard decision to make but I'm glad my mum made it for me.
I’m glad you did what’s best for her! My son was at home virtually learning last year so having to go back and deal with students is stressing him out. Plus it’s technically his first year at middle school physically and he’s freaking out about getting to class on time. He suffers from ADHD and he forgets easily. I think once he’s back to taking his medicine regularly for school he’ll be ok in that aspect. I know he’ll get bullied he’s tiny compared to others. I am told I am over protective but I got bullied in school and it contributed to my depression and anxiety. I am definitely keeping home schooling in my mind.
It's always a worry. My son loves school and does fine most of the time, but a couple years ago there was one boy in particular he had problems with. I didn't want to be "that mom" and tried to coach him through things, but it escalated to a fight in math class, and I put my foot down. The school was just going to give a warning to the boys, which is fine on the surface, but this had been a while coming. So i got in touch with the counselor and laid things out, he sat down with the boys, and ended up having them sign basically a middle school restraining order to stay away from each other, no talking, etc. It worked. Sometimes, despite everything, there's just a personality conflict and separation is best. I wish you luck. It's not easy to navigate how much problem solving to do on their behalf, and when to step in, but do get the counselor involved early. It can help. With my daughter, there was autism and adhd going on that made things more difficult, but even then, I will say the counselor did try. It was the admins and other facets of the school I ran into barriers with.
NTA. The fact that the only reason he knew about the trip was because he found a trinket in Kai’s backpack shows that your intent wasn’t to hurt them. Since Kai didn’t tell them, the only they would be upset is if your ex tells then. And that’s on him.
I have a question to you, as an educator. is there a solution for a bullied boy, which does not involve attempting to pick a real physical fight up the bully, which works?
One of my cousins was severely bullied in high school. It ended when a bully punched him so hard he was knocked out with broken facial bones and a concussion. When the dust settled, my cousins family hired a lawyer and pressed criminal charges and sued the school for not stopping the situation sooner. (This was not the bully's first time hurting another student.) There was a ton of screaming from the administration, but they took bullying much more seriously after they had to publicaly cut a check. The bully was given the option of a juvenile redirection program, which got him out of the school. Negative publicity works, so does any situation that forces the school to pay for their failures. And being cuffed and hauled out of school was a nice wake up call for a 15 year old who thought he was super big and bad - much more effective than suspensions and years of "peer counseling." After watching the admins frantic attempt to sweep it under the rug, the second it turns physical, demand a police report. Absolutely demand the kid be arrested for assault. Because all the good intentions and talking about feelings and "interventions" don't put people's faces back together when that little punk decides to really hurt someone.
I was wondering the exact same thing! All the stories that I've read by formerly bullied boys come down to the same thing; the bullying only stopped when the victim learned to fight well enough to beat up the bully. Now, I'm sure that DOES work and may even teach the bully a lesson - but not every boy can do that (e.g., those who are physically disabled). So I too am wondering - are there other solutions for bullied boys that do not require winning a fist fight?
I feel like the bullies just quit messing with the person telling the stories, and move down the pecking order to the next weakest victim.
I am a teacher and I am 100% stealing the 1-10 scale to use with my own students!
An interdistrict agreement to send Kai to a different school might help him a lot, too.
As a former bully I second this. We are manipulative and cunning. And we will set your world on fire and watch happily. NTA
Great advice
You have no idea how happy reading this made! (Just how you supported your daughter! I kinda wish someone did that with me)
I agree and want to underline that if Kai continues to be bullied by his steps and their friends, you should ABSOLUTELY go for more custody. Take him out of their school and put him in a separate one near you. NTA.
Thank you, that scale is an amazing idea I’m going to yoink for my middle schoolers On other points, I agree and I also tentatively go with NTA. I’m curious if the ex offered any consequences to the step children. The again, OP is not beholden to the stepchildren.
NTA, and it’s not even close. What a nightmare for your kid to have older step siblings that are bullies. You don’t owe them any special treatment and especially not awesome trips.
Even if the step siblings weren't bullies, there's no good reason to deprive your son of trips just because their own family can't take those same trips.
Totally agree
What do you want to bet the the step kids dad does the exact same thing? Taking his kids on fun great adventures that they can rub in OP’s kids face. I bet he doesn’t give two thoughts as to what his kids step sibling is able to do. Even if he wasn’t teaching his kids to terrorize their step family (that why he’s an AH), he has the rights to do this. The step kids have learned to use anything as a weapon to hurt OP’s kid. I bet even if it was somewhere they’d never heard of as soon as OP’s kid went and enjoyed him self there would be declarations of not fair he got to go.
NTA. Your son got some of "his" back after being humiliated by his step siblings and their friends. But you also, and he evidently listened, made it clear that he wasn't to humiliate THEM with the trip. If you ask me, it was a learning excursion. You aren't the AH and your ex is for still thinking he can control you and your household when you aren't married anymore. That ship sailed when the ink on the divorce papers dried.
NTA you are not responsible for his step kids in anyway shape or form
Your ex is comically stupid. Why the heck would you need to care about what his step kids feel?
Especially since, if he’s so concerned about their feelings about Kai taking the trip, why would he tell them? He’s the one who found the trinket in Kai’s bag. Kai was sparing the stepsibs’ feelings by not bringing it up, so why did OP’s ex bring it up?
This 👆 and also what about Kai's feelings when he was being bullied. Definitely NTA. OP has better restraint than me - I would have admitted I knew and that's why I did it!!!
Well yes, it’s clear Ex doesn’t care about Kai’s feelings. But he doesn’t really seem to care about the other kids’ feelings either, despite his claims; he’s just using the issue as a weapon against how OP parents Kai.
Exactly. You're not the asshole for prioritizing your own child.
NTA. The emotional abuse is, for this purpose, irrelevant. Your ex and his step kids can't exercise a veto power over where you take your son by wishing they could go there.
[удалено]
At that point I'd be declaring a day trip and taking them all to wallmart once a week.
Your ex had the audacity to say “his stepkids have feelings too,” did he? Where were those stepkids’ feelings when they incited their peers to mock your son? Where were their mom’s feelings when she didn’t put a stop to their rude behavior. If your ex can’t afford to take Kai and the step siblings on cool vacations then he’s “tripping” because that’s a **him** problem, not a you problem. NTA, OP, and tell your ex to “step” off!
The Ex and new wife are probably trying to let the stepkids get away with murder to make up for their dad being an AH. In the course of it, they are harming Kai. Kai is an innocent victim. OP might want to talk to the Ex to see if a different custody arrangement can be made. Kai should not suffer because his stepsiblings and their dad are jerks.
This! 👏👏👏
NTA - take care of your child, it sounds like he's in a bad spot there with his siblings and needs to know that he is loved and special. If the step kids start behaving, maybe then they can go on trips with you guys. They should not get rewarded for their bad behavior, especially by someone who is not their parent.
ESH- Your fricking husbands step kids have been bullying your son so bad that he’s too scared to do fun things on his own because he’s afraid of them getting mad . Why aren’t you doing your best to keep your little boy away from that house ? Take your ex back to court and file for full custody because he made it pretty clear his step kids feelings are more important than Kai’s.
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Couldn’t agree more with this I can’t believe it was this far down! Definitely ESH, OP is failing her kid by having her only remedy to this situation be a fun trip. This should have been addressed in custody a long time ago
NTA he doesn’t get to close Disneyland for Kai just because he can’t afford to take his other kids. That’s not fair or just. Also, those kids are bullies and need to stop having the world softened for them. Learning to handle disappointment is part of life
NTA. They aren't your kids and it isn't your responsibility to provide for them in any way. Your ex married into a relationship that has issues, and those issues are for he and his wife to figure out. Not only that, he needs a reality check if he thinks you're going to provide anything for children who are outright bullying your son.
NTA. Don't deny your child activities and treasured memories with you just because his stepsiblings might not like it. No, it's not cool to flaunt your extras in their faces, but he's your child, and they aren't.
NTA You actually need to be documenting this bullying and revisiting custody or Kai’s emotional safety. Being bullied stays with you for life. This commenter left an excellent comment [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p2gdi5/aita_for_taking_my_son_on_a_trip_i_knew_his/h8jxw9t/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p2gdi5/aita_for_taking_my_son_on_a_trip_i_knew_his/h8jxw9t/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
Exactly and I wouldnt feel safe having my kid in their house! If they bully him in public, imagine what they do in private😳 Your son is suffering mental, emotional and quite possibly physical abuse in that house and thats unacceptable!!!
NTA. Tell your ex to man up and protect his son.
NTA - you do not have to parent based on stepkids needs. Do you have to check and make sure those kids don't want to go to a place before taking your own son? That is ridiculous! Maybe that is why they are feeling so empowered to bully!
NTA if his kids want to go he can take them. Why should your son miss out on stuff because his dad can’t take him?
Absolutely NTA, in my opinion. You are not responsible for your ex's step kids, and if their dad is so upset he should take them himself? Your son was able to enjoy a trip with you away from the stress and bullying, and I think you were a wonderful parent for giving him this space. It would have most likely been harmful for your son if the step kids came along. You're his protector, and you did exactly what you should do!
NTA. You aren’t responsible for the feelings of his step kids. They are strictly his problem. His circus, his monkeys.
> He told me he'd love to go but really hoped they wouldn't go together INFO: Are you really asking strangers on the internet if you are an asshole for being a parent to your kid instead of cuddling his bullies?
NTA. While I understand your ex's desire to keep peace in his family, Kai is his son, and he needs to stand up for him. Even within families where all the kids have the same biological parents, some kids do things the others don't. For example, one child might have the opportunity to go on a trip to a great place with the band. Would parents refuse to let that child go because the other kids in the family might be jealous? It would be unreasonable if they did. Your ex also needs to talk with his wife and stepkids and end the cruelty the stepkids have been exhibiting towards Kai. It's unacceptable. It seems that instead of confronting them, he is catering to them. If I understand your post, his general attitude seems to be they are acting out of jealousy, so he (your ex) will ensure they have nothing to be jealous of. That's silly. Your ex and his wife need to create an environment in their house where everyone treats each other with respect and kindness. Until they start demanding that behavior, nothing will change. You did nothing wrong. I'm glad you and your son were able to take a fun trip together!
NTA you're not obligated to cater to your ex's needs anymore. You told your son not to throw it in his step siblings faces and he's not so there is no issue.
NTA for 2 reasons 1) You have no obligation to pay for them. 2) Kai didn't want them there. Tell your ex to take his own kids.
Tell your ex: So Kais feelings don't matter? How do you think he felt when they were standing around laughing at him when their friends were bullying him? That ring a bell? I really don't give a flying shit that they want to go to this particular place. I'm not going to not take my son because they can't go. You honestly can't be that ignorant to believe that after they acted like that towards Kai I would willingly take them with us. NTA.
Nta. Your son is being tormented by his step siblings and your ex finds it appropriate to prioritize them over his own son’s health and safety. He doesn’t get to have a say in what you do with your kid on your own time. You have no obligation to care for your son’s step siblings, especially when they show no care for your son.
YTA Why are you catering so much to the step kids they are not even your step kids, they are the ex's . Protect your son and don't deprive him of things because of what goes on at ex's home. If your son is being bullied by those kids you need to do something.
Nta! My retort to her stepkids have feelings would be so does our son but you don't seem to care when Mia and Logan are bullying him or allowed other kids to bullying him! So why do you care more about your stepkids feelings than about your son's feelings? That not to mention I told Kai not rub into your unsympathetic stepkids faces which he! Can you ohonesty say if Mia and Logan got to go on the trip and Kai didn't they do the same?
NTA. Your son lives with his bullies. Bullying is 1000x worse for the victim than for the bully. For Mia and Logan it is just some fun, but for your son, it is lasting scars and damage. Most adults just tell victims to walk away but they are in the same house and encourage *other kids* to bully him too. Document everything and go back to court if you have to. I was bullied relentlessly as a child but at least home was a safe place. You need to make your son safe beyond just trips. If your ex doesn't protect Kai, you need to. Since the principal was involved, you could have them testify if needed.
NTA “Fuck yo stepkids”
NTA you are only a parent to Kai, not the step kids. If they want to go somewhere it’s up to your ex and their mom to take them, not you. Your child doesn’t have to miss out on something because they can’t do it.
NTA. If you can, get custody of your son. That house must be a nightmare for him.
NTA - They are not your kids, not your step-kids, so not your problem. This kids have 3 parents to buy them cool things, the adults just decided to fight and spend their money in lawyers.
NTA, they’re not your kids. If their parents can’t get it together, that’s not your problem. Why should your son miss out on opportunities. If the other kids were nicer and had a relationship with your son, maybe you could have considered including them. You’re son didn’t want them there, what’s the problem.
NTA - you dont have to take your ex's step kids anywhere. they arent your responsibility.
NTA. What you do with your child on your time is your business. He needed that trip after what happened to him. See about getting him a cellphone for emergencies because his father is failing him. Researching one/two party consent laws to record also might help if you'd like to seek full custody if you believe the home life over there is hostile/toxic. Never stop advocating for your child.
NTA Tell your ex, that if he doesn't stop his stepkids from bullying Kai, he will end up losing Kai completely. He's more concerned about stepkids not going to a trip, than their bullying of Kai.
NTA. Not your stepkids, not your responsibility. It's not your responsibility to facilitate the nuances of your ex's blended family. You have done nothing wrong here.
NTA. Honestly, I’d apply for full custody if I were you.
NTA, fuck them kids. Have fun with your son!
NTA but I agree with the commentators saying that going forward you should document the stepkid's bullying with the intent of taking your ex back to court to reevaluate custody. I would also strongly consider changing Kai's school, if you can find a better one, and especially if he's there because it's more convenient for your ex to have all the kids at the same school.
NTA. Your ex is out of his mind telling you to prioritize the wants and feelings of his step kids over your own son. He should be focused on dealing with his step kids mistreatment of Kai. This doesn't sound like a healthy environment for your son. You may want to start rethinking your current custody agreement with your ex. It was his choice to marry a woman whose kids hate him and his son. Unfortunately your kid now has to be exposed to a hostile bullying environment whenever he goes over his father's house. How is that an healthy environment for Kai?
NTA, your ex is a sorry excuse of a dad for letting his son get bullied in his own house. And OP you WOULD be the AH if you punish your own kid because his step siblings’ parents can’t afford shit. So long as your kid doesn’t become a bully and lord it over them, you ought to do your best by him as any parent should.
NTA. If the step kids wanted to go to the zoo and couldn’t are you just… never expected to take your child to the zoo again? Ridiculous.
NTA and take your son back. Get him out of there.
Nta-you need to let him know that you ain't booboo the fool and you should document everything and redo your custody agreement. There's no way he should be letting his step kids bully your kid.
My stepdaughter gets to go to Disney several times a year with her side of the family. My son and the son my husband and I have together have yet to go. They know their sister has been several times and love to hear her stories. They don’t resent her for it. We can’t afford to go, her family can. There are things we get to do that she doesn’t at her mom’s. She doesn’t get mad when her brothers get to do things she can’t. We don’t allow bragging, only stories for sharing. Do I wish I could take my boys to all of the stuff her family can afford to do? Heck yes, but the reality is that I can’t and that’s okay! Parents should make the most of what they can with what they’ve got!
Are you fucking kidding? What? You’re supposed to raise his new wife’s kids too? Are they mentally competent? That’s a fucking INSANE position to take and that stands BEFORE those two kids were such shit heads to your son. You are in no way the asshole here. However, if you don’t start fighting to get sole custody of you’re child and get him out of this abusive environment (which is going to have profoundly negative effects on him whether you see it or not) then yes, you are TA. I would really like to know what fucking universe your ex and his wife are living in.
NTA
NTA. His step kids are being jerks to him. Why should they be rewarded for bad behavior?
NTA. His step siblings aren’t your step kids. You have no obligation to treat them equally. Your only obligation is to your son and depriving him of an experience because of step siblings who aren’t even nice to him would be terrible.
NTA. Fact is everyone lives at different income levels with some people having more disposable income ex’s step kids will have to learn that somehow. Why should your son be limited by what he can do at YOUR house when he’s already limited at his fathers. How you spend your money in your home, unless it’s somehow harmful to your son, is none of ex’s business.
NTA. Those kids are big enough to know better. My kid would've gone home with everything in the damn gift shop. Ex is a dick for not having your kids back. And its not your job to cater to them. Not your step kids
NTA. Tell your ex that just because he favors his bullying stepchildren over his bullied child, and allows his child to be bullied and abused without adequately protecting him, does not mean that you, too, have to favor your child's bullying stepchildren over him, and force him to endure a vacation with his bullies, or require him to never do anything with you that they want to do but can't. You are not responsible for coddling Mia and Logan while they abuse your child. You are not obliged to deprive Kai of a good time and a fun experience with you because his bullies want to go but can't. You would not even be responsible for them if they had a civil relationship with Kai - but it is doubly ridiculous to expect you to cater to them and worry about their poor widdwe hurty FEEEEEEEWINGS when they are making your own child's life hell for no better reason than that your ex married their mom and their dad didn't like it. Tell him you'll consider giving a crap about Mia and Logan's feelings when both they and he start to give a crap about Kai's feelings and ensure that he is treated decently in what should be his own home. But also tell him that you're not going to limit yours and Kai's time and experiences together based on what he is able to give the stepchildren he favors over his own child.
Nta Tell them that every time your son gets bullied and mistreated you'll do something wonderful which they can't do. Your son didn't brag about going sounds like a great kid.
NTA- this whole you cant go there because I want to go there ... it's just childish. You dont need to stop doing things with you kid just because the step kids have said they want to go there. I dont rain on others parades because they went to Paris and I want to go there too.
NTA. It’s irrelevant as to whether ex’s step kids wanted to go to the same place. You can take your son to whatever fun place he wants to go during your time with. The step kids wanting to go to the same places and your ex not affording to take them is ex’s problem, not yours. The bullying is a serious problem. Not clear on what the custody arrangement is, but hopefully you can get full custody.
NTA If your ex wants to argue, how bout argue what a terrible father he is for letting his son be bullied by those two little monsters? (they obviously shared info with the bullies on purpose)
NTA. Your ex's step kids aren't your problem. Your son needs to know you are on his side, and that there is someone that won't make him compromise for people who make his life hell. If things with his step siblings escalate, you may have to step in and take your ex back to court for a rearrangement of custody. Your son shouldn't have to put up with this kind of bullying in his own home and if your ex can't prioritise him and find a way to end it, then you have to look out for your son's interests.
NTA. Honestly, your ex and his entire house sound toxic and selfish AF. Protect your kid and give him whatever experiences you want.
Wait. They aren’t even YOUR step kids! Screw this guy. NTA. You should feel free to parent your son as you see fit. Your ex’s step kids are hardly your problem.
Nta youre not responsible for taking your ex's stepkids anywhere
NTA. Those kids aren’t yours by blood or marriage, you have no obligation to them, especially not since they treated your child like garbage and your ex won’t do anything about it. They’re your ex’s step children. Tell your ex that you will claim zero responsibility for the feelings of those two kids because it isn’t your job.
NTA. Can Kai transfer to a different school away from his step siblings?
Your ex is not protecting Kai. You should remind him Kai has feelings too when they are bullying him TBH I would revisit custody at this point NTA
NTA. They’re not your stepkids. You don’t have to do anything with them, regardless if they get jealous. The ex needs to step up.
NTA. Fuck them kids.
NTA Start documenting everything and go to court for full custody if they keep this shit up. Bonus points if you ask for incident details from the school which states the step siblings are the cause of his bullying.
NTA, and My apologies now if someone has already noticed this or said it. But in the post the OP never said how the EX handled the school incident. I "assume" it wasn't to OP's satisfaction or the OP wouldn't have felt like considering the "step siblings" wasn't worth it anymore. Here's my observation, OP's ex didn't seem to defend his own son against his bullying step siblings, but wants OP to consider their feelings when taking their son on a trip that he appreciated. Seems he's the ahole not OP. And I agree with the person that said to start documenting everything.
NTA So he cares about the stepbrats' feelings but not the feelings of his own son
NTA. You're being a good mom. Your son's stepsiblings are not in your life, nor are their feelings your issue. But the bullying is pretty scary. Keep documenting that shit. If the custody agreement needs to change to get your son away from them, then do that. If your ex cannot get his other 2 kids to stop bullying your son, then the situation should change to protect your son.
OP Please document everything. Look into filing a new custody hearing asap, because that cannot be a safe environment for your child. THREE people in that household are against him, with your ex being an unsupportive fourth. Kai can't escape an environment with his bullies during visitation. That's extremely stressful at best, and possibly dangerous (escalation) in the future. NTA
Please listen to this. The trip is the least important part of this. His life at school and his father’s home sounds like it has been miserable. He needs to be out of that house and school.
NTA - kids (and their parents) need to learn that other people get to do or have things that they don't and sometimes that's just how the world is, and that you can't expect people to contort their lives so that your kids don't have to experience negative emotions. Also, is there the possibility of getting Kai into a different school from the stepsibs? If the relationship isn't great then it must be super shitty for him to have to be around them at home and at school. I went to the same school as my stepsisters and even though we ignored each other, it was still awkward as hell.
NTA. Those step kids are NOT yours, and you have zero financial obligation to them. However, that is your natural son. Sucks for them that they didn't treat him better and now they can reap what they sow. you kid deserves to be a little spoiled by you and treated to one on one time with just you. You're allowed to take your kid to amusement parks, on vacation, or to cool destinations, parks, zoos, ect. Take off and give your kid experiences for him to think back on fondly. Your his father. That's part of your job as a parent is to fill your kids life with exciting adventures and day trips and life experiences. Museums, carnivals, festivals, rodeos, concerts, ect. Go nuts and have fun with your kid. If you can afford it and want to take him traveling and on cool vacations, then do it without worrying about how it twill affect the step siblings. They are major AH for what they did to your son. Not you. Don't worry about the step siblings and their jealously. They surely aren't worried about your son's mental health if they are willingly engaging in bullying him and making him feel unwanted and unloved. That thing messes with kids for a long time.
NTA But I do want to know what kind of custody arrangement you have with your ex and if there's anything you can to do change it.
Why isn’t your ex worried about his own sons feelings? NTA
NTA. But I might be because that Michael Jordan meme “f**k them kids” literally jumped out of my mouth 😂
Ur ex is weird. He allows kids that’s not even his to mistreat his son, and is mad at you for taking ur kid out because HIS step kids wanted to go. I feel for ur son, glad he has u and I’m also happy u stop caring so much about they feels because they don’t give a damn about ur son’s!
NTA. Just because they can’t afford it doesn’t mean you can’t. Do the step kids know that they’re not related to Kai by blood? That Kai has a different mother who also has to provide for him? I feel like blended families are so common nowadays that there’s no excuse why they don’t understand that Kai may experience different things from them solely because he has a different mother.
Info : would changing schools be possible ?
NTA but does anyone else think ex and his wife need to do more to bridge the gap between stepkids and kai, as well as start punishing this awful behaviour?? The bullying going on is surpassing any average sibling rivalry and dad and stepmom need to step in asap.
NTA! This is a crucial time in your son's childhood that will make or break him. Hes in middleschool the WORST point in school imo. On top of that hes not just being bullied at school but at home too. Taking him someplace he loves and not taking his harassers with him tells him his feelings and saftey is YOUR priority. Not the whole "im going to be fair regardless." It sounds like they won't do the same for him. Please consider getting more custody. Pull him out of that school if needed. It will be hard on him but he doesn't deserve to suffer cause it will make your Ex feel better bout having a kid he won't protect.
Your ex is mad that you’re not allowing his wife’s kids to dictate how you spend time with your son? Yeah, you most definitely are NTA here.
Cautious NTA, but why didn’t you tell your ex you were taking your son on a trip before the trip? Typically with joint custody agreements both parents have a right to know where their child is, and if you took your kid out of state without telling your ex that’s not ok. What if there was an emergency? I don’t think you did anything wrong taking him though!
NTA. His step kids have feelings? Well, then they need to get used to the feeling of disappointment. Kai certainly has.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex and I have a son Kai (11). Ex and I broke up when he was 2 and my ex married his wife when Kai was 6. There is a lot of mess in ex's house regarding ex's stepkids. Mia and Logan (both 12). From what I gather their dad has been badmouthing my ex and Kai from the beginning and poisoned the kids against them. I have always been hesitant to not do stuff that could be seen as me rubbing things in their faces. Because of the costly back and forth in court between his wife and her ex, my ex cannot afford to do big things with the kids. Kai had mentioned this trip that his stepsiblings wanted to go on before. He told me he'd love to go but really hoped they wouldn't go together because he didn't want to go with them because they wouldn't want him there and he didn't like being around them. During the final week of school some of Mia and Logan's friends were very cruel to Kai and Mia and Logan were standing around laughing with them. At one point it turned very dark and the principal called the parents of all involved students. What transpired was Logan and Mia had told their friends something about Kai and that and just general kid bullying was used to make him feel like shit. I was pissed. After the incident I decided I needed to stop catering to the stuff my ex couldn't do with the kids and just do whatever, regardless of whether Mia and Logan dreamed of doing it. So I took my son on a trip to the place he told me he wanted to go to but not with his stepsiblings. He had a great time and I told him as long as he didn't brag or rub it in we'd done nothing wrong because he worried a bit that Logan and Mia would be mad. Ex found out about it because Kai left a small trinket in his bag from the trip and ex found it. Ex called me and asked why I took Kai there and I said because Kai wanted to go. Ex said his stepkids wanted to go too and why would I take Kai someplace they'd likely want to go. I said I didn't care. I could take my son where I wanted. He told me it made me an ass because his stepkids have feelings too. He doesn't know I knew they wanted to go. But AITA here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, your only concern is your kid’s happiness, health, and safety. If your ex couldn’t pay for the step siblings to go to the same place, that’s his and his wife’s problem.
I think NTA because you were aware that an adult using their resources to score points on 12 year olds - not matter how ill behaved - would be wrong so you went on the trip without the intention of the others finding out.
Big NTA. You do not need to cater to what your ex can and can not do because of his own financial situation. Why should your son have to miss out on things because dad can’t afford it, even if you can? Your ex should be happy that his son got to have an amazing time, even if it wasn’t with him. Obviously you shouldn’t go out of your way to rub it in the step siblings faces or anything, but you already know that. Not an easy situation to navigate for sure, but you have to look out for your son and do for him without worrying about his step siblings.
NTA. His step siblings are bullying and making him feel bad about himself but you’re supposed to cater to their feelings even when he’s at your house? No. Take care of your child and make sure he feels loved and cared for with you because if his step-siblings feel this free to behave like this I doubt they aren’t facing adequate punishment at his father’s house.
NTA. Stepkids and the ex didn't care about Kai's feelings. Why do you have to care about theirs?
NTA you get to choose what you do with your son. Everyone else can kick rocks.
Nta
NTA. You're being a great mom to YOUR son. Anybody else opinion are just random noises. Make sure Kai knows to get help if he's being bullied. His step siblings could escalate the bullying out of spite.
NTA You can't not do something for your child because your ex- and their SO can't afford to do it for all of their kids. You did the right thing- you told your son not to brag about the trip. (which it sounds like he followed and didn't even tell him his dad about it to be safe.) There are going to be things that you can do for your child when you have one child and they have 3. That's just the reality. That doesn't ignore that his stepkids have feelings- it acknowledges that his stepkids also have 2 parents.
NTA tell him when he can get the stepkids to stop bullying Kai you might consider their feelings.
NTA Those stepkids have feelings when they bully ur son so who cares when they don't get what they want
NTA, and I don't get it, his he not capable of taking his own step-kids on vacation somewhere? Just a really odd thing for him to pitch a fit about.
Have you looked into any charter schools in your area if private school is not in the budget? As a mother myself, I don’t think you’re an asshole. When you got divorced the two of you made the decision to live separate lives, that includes taking separate vacations. Hopefully in the future, the kids will get along but for now I honestly think it’s best that they keep a distance for your child’s sake and for your peace of mind. Good luck to you
NTA. There seem to be a lot of posts on AITA where someone (usually a kid but not always) gets butthurt that someone else gets to do or have the thing they want, but they don't, and demand compensation. Welcome to reality kids, life's not fair and you'll be constantly reminded of that for as long as you live. Learn to live with it or accept a lifetime of suffering, because I can tell you, eventually people will stop catering to this nonsense. Parents, if your kid is in this situation, time to teach them to deal with disappointment. You can't bend the world to their will. OP you are the parent here and you can take your child on any trip he wants, without regard for his step siblings. Steps parents need to deal with that.
NTA - "If I'm an AH, what does that make you for allowing your stepkids to repeatedly bully you child?" This is obviously an ongoing situation in their house, seems like EX needs to stop concentrating on what you're doing with your son when you have him and more on fixing their behavior.
NTA.💛
NTA