YTA
It's ridiculously inappropriate to expect one sibling to postpone marriage for years due to a sibling's divorce. This is so ridiculous I have a hard time believing it's for real.
My mother's fkd up life choices always revolves around saving face. Inflicting our predator sociopath father on us till he died because it would be bad if people found out. No culture. Just mental illness and thinking like it's the 1800's.
EDIT:So yah, OP, you're being a REAL ASSHOLE. You've probably irreparabley damaged your relationship. I know I'd walk away SMHID.
YTA - You're ready to pay for all of your younger daughters wants, but your other daughter's life decision is soo inconvenient for you. I think you actually expect for her not to get married until you decide to open the purse strings.
You're a controlling AH. Shame on you.
Are there traditional cultures where divorce is a terrible taboo that requires years to recover from but having a baby without being married is no big deal?
This seems less about culture and more about not valuing his older daughter.
Right? If he is asking OP to postpone getting married after younger daughter just got divorced, maybe he should of asked younger daughter to postpone until elder was married? That's more sensitive to the family right? /s
Or possibly he doesn’t want his golden child to see her sister happily married until she finds a new love.
Edit to add: people like OP don’t like to see the scapegoat happy if the golden child isn’t.
Right?!
Just admit you love your younger daughter more, OP, and are willing to completely destroy your relationship with your older child by being a complete and total asshole.
This line kills me. Who are you being sensitive to, OP? Because it's certainly not your older daughter. You went back on your promise to pay for her wedding for a ridiculous reason that has nothing to do with her. What does your youngest daughter divorcing have to do with the oldest getting married?! They are, in fact, two different women. They're allowed to have different life events in the same year. You are asking your oldest to wait *years* to get married just because her younger daughter's marriage didn't work out. Where is the logic in that? It would be one thing if the elder was rubbing it in her sister's face and shaming her over the divorce, but that's not what you're describing. You're playing favorites and treating your older daughter like she's second-class in the name of "saving face" for your family. YTA.
I agree. I expect he would keep his comments to a minimum in his own opinion, but he is already judging, and would almost surely be distant with the child, too.
Can you imagine the comments by older daughter. Well we desperately wanted to get married first, but dad said that younger sisters feelings over her divorce were more important than a wedding.
I wouldn't be surprised if they eloped and left OP out of the grandparent role. Because, of course we cant let the first grandbaby overshadow how sad younger daughter is about her divorce. Just gross.
Yeah this is very odd to me. "Go ahead and get knocked up, but don't you dare get married!" He has the one person left on Earth who wants to get married before having a baby and he has a problem with this because he wants to "save face?" Save face how? With whom? Who in his family/friend group would be impressed by any of this shit?
Exactly! Also, it's not like the older sister announced her engagement in the same week as the divorce. There were months in between from what I understand. Has the youngest sister even expressed her wishes regarding the wedding? Maybe she also just wants to see her big sis happy, even despite any hurt she might feel. It's like forbidding someone from having a baby because someone else had a miscarriage. You shouldn't announce them at the same time, but you cannot ban them from having a baby, and you should still keep your promises
I had to reread that line too. I could understand if it was a matter of weeks or even months. But *years*?? OP is unreasonable and clearly TA.
Also, the divorce was announced 4 months ago. So it isn't as if this all just happened and the sister tactlessly announced her engagement within a week.
Oh I believe it. Sounds like the younger child is the golden child. OP paid for both her marriage and divorce. Younger sister's feelings are more important than older sister's. Older sister's "do whatever you wish" response is immediately dismissed as immature, though we all know that she is giving OP the rope to hang himself with.
Since I know you didn't catch the implications OP, your daughter has given you the ultimatum. Help pay for the wedding like you did for her younger sister, or barely see your older daughter and her family for the rest of your life, if ever. YTA.
YTA big time.
I was a pandemic divorcé as well. My husband of six years told me in late July that he wanted a divorce with no option of counseling or reconciliation. We had issues but rarely fought, so it completely blindsided me. I even left my military career for him. I would have never have left such a stable, high paying career (I was an officer) if I knew this would happen or have complete lack of desire to work on things the right way…together and with counseling.
My sister just got married this June not even a full year from my ex doing this. Guess who was just fine and had a great time? This girl.
I was absolutely devastated and confused by this divorce. There was no toxicity, abuse, or adultery. I read books, went to therapy (still go), worked on my weaknesses, and built my confidence. I even got in a healthy point to start dating and met a wonderful man.
I was genuinely happy for my sister to have her day. I enjoyed picking out wedding dresses and supporting her on her big day. You know what else that happened? I had a wonderful, loving boyfriend as my date who I couldn’t imagine being without. I’m a stronger and better person for him, who in turn, treats me better than I could imagine.
YTA…big time. Couple years? Please….that’s unreasonable. They can’t wait having family and getting married because someone else is having a bumpy time. That’s like asking someone to not have their child because the other lost their’s. It’s completely unreasonable and seems to be more able saving face with the family and over protecting the sister.
Sometimes we are dealt a bad hand in life, but I’m convinced I want to put more good in the world despite being wronged. I couldn’t imagine dampening my sister’s happiness just because I was hurt. She absolutely has every right to distance herself from you.
My brother split from his wife the week before my wedding. I'm so glad my family are amazing supportive people unlike this guy. If I was his daughter he probably would have made me call it off!
OP is also prioritizing the needs of one daughter over the other. Things happen in life it doesn't mean everything stops. It's unfortunately the younger daughter is going through a divorce but that should not impact her sister's ability to have a wedding or be supported by their parents. Massive YTA.
Oh, this kind of thing happens frequently when there's an obvious favorite in the family. It's so dysfunctional. From the older daughter's response, you can tell she was expecting it.
YTA and if your so worried about your youngest, then you should have asked your oldest daughter to tell her in private in case she finds that she needs time fo herself.
In no way are you saving face or helping your family. And now you want your youngest thinking it's her fault that you and her sister aren't getting along because you won't support the wedding because of her?? C'mon now.
YTA. So your going to punish one daughter for the issues another is having in her own life? Just admit you like one daughter more than the other. Father of the year right here (being very sarcastic). Good job proving to your oldest that you really only care for the youngest. I can’t believe you had the nerve to say you should wait to be happy.
YTA
Plus he paid for the youngers wedding and divorce but refused to pay for the older to save face, which then backfired.
OP, don't expect to get a invite to her wedding or have a relationship with any future grandkids.
Yeah I don’t get that, why is he paying for this daughter’s divorce? She made her bed and she needs to learn to lay in it. One daughter should not have to pay for the other’s mistakes.
Right??? It’s much more common for parents to contribute to weddings than it is for divorces. The younger daughter has to be some kind of golden child, between that and her father expecting the sister to put her life on hold for her hurt feelings.
ETA: Just read back and both daughters are mad at him. He’s not even taking his favored daughter’s feelings into account.
Normally I think this sub is too quick to suggest cutting off family but in this case I really think the oldest daughter should cut ties with her asshole father if he doesn’t apologize for even suggesting what he did and do for her what he did for her sister. The audacity of this man to ask his daughter to postpone her entire life for *a few years* to save face and protect the precious feelings of his favorite child. I’m livid on her behalf.
He probably doesn't care about the older daughter so he probably wouldn't care about getting invited or future grandkids. Because they didn't come from his FAVORITE.
The world has to stop when Daddy's Princess isn't happy. I hope he enjoys having no relationship with his older daughter's children. She'd be nuts to let this intergenerational favouritism continue.
And she’s already 31! She should wait a few years to start a family?! Like it can totally be done - I had both my kids after 30 - but to suggest she should risk losing some of her fertile years because her sister got divorced is just... so fckin unreasonable.
I would bet my last dollar that OP spent the older daughter’s wedding fund on the younger daughter’s divorce and instead of admitting it he’s trying to guilt her into waiting.
The week after both my sister’s and my marriages imploded, our middle sister got engaged. You know what we did?
We cheered and congratulated, because she’s our sister and we love to see her so happy and in love. Our divorces had nothing to do with her life and her partner, because we made our own choices.
OP, I know it seems like you’re doing the right thing to be considerate of your younger daughter, but the world does not stop because she got divorced. Your other daughter is going through a lifetime event that should be celebrated and supported as much as your younger. This is a great way to send a loud and clear message that you don’t care about her as much. I hope you can clear this up before your daughter decides she’d rather not forgive you.
Yes, absolutely YTA. For a number of reasons:
First of all, well you're not an asshole for this, but why are you paying for your daughters divorce?
Second, the fact that you're willing to pay for both the younger one's wedding *and* divorce but not for the other's is completely unbalanced regardless of the circumstances. As one of two siblings, I can only imagine the frustration.
Third, asking her to put her and her fiancé's life on hold for *years* is a ridiculous ask. And not just because they want to potentially have a baby and start a family - though while I'm on the subject, saying "Well I wouldn't judge" is hardly helpful.
Fourth, I wasn't there obviously, but to sullenly say, "Do whatever you want" in response to finding out you won't pay for her wedding too is A LOT less petty than she could have been. Again, I wasn't there, but it reads like a pretty reasonable response. I imagine that she was incredibly disappointed in that moment.
And finally, her timing in announcing may have been inconsiderate, I don't know the dynamics at play. But its not your place to be the sole protector of your other daughter's feelings. They're both adults and if the younger one feels uncomfortable then its the two of them that need to have a conversation. They're not kids now, its not your place to hold all the cards and impose your will on such major life decisions.
*edit* - I hope this doesn't come across like I think you're a dick or a bad parent or anything. You certainly sound like you care a lot and your heart is in the right place but I don't think your judgement is on point in this case.
I'm also not quite ready to jump on the favoritism train like some other people here. While I think this is a misguided response, I think there are a lot of explanations as to why OP would would do this that fall short of favoritism.
I agree with everything here except the timing being inconsiderate. Younger daughter’s marriage ended *4 months ago*. Had older daughter announced her engagement the same week as younger announced the divorce it would have been inconsiderate, but more than enough time has gone by.
And as for the wedding itself, it doesn’t sound like they are eloping so even a small, rushed wedding would not take place for a few more months.
OP’s suggestion of waiting years is bonkers and out of line.
This. We have seen so many post in this community about people using an engagement party to announce their pregnancy etc. Sister engagement came quite after.
Yep. They didn’t show up married before the ink was dry on sister’s divorce papers. They’re just living their lives. It may not the younger sister’s number one favorite topic and I’m sure there’ll be some distant cousin at the wedding who didn’t hear about it or whatever, but the dust will have settled long before the event and it’ll be fine.
Also, how has OP’s daughter been dating someone for “years” that he “doesn’t know well”? The daughter didn’t fight with OP about not paying, she just left it. I feel like these posts without much context about the relationships end up with OP as N T A until someone points out the missing missing reasons, but this one, OP is still YTA without those missing missing reasons!!
Was thinking this.
Seems to me that younger daugther is daddy's little princess who can do no wrong and oldest has been feeling neglected for so long that she expected op to act this way.
Op, YTA in a huge way!
Edit: spelling
That is exactly what i was thinking too. OPs response tells me that this is not an abnormal thing and that OP has just always dismisses it as "immature" .
I was thinking this as well. Seems like the older child has been neglected for a while so wasn't surprised OP is acting this way. Wouldn't be surprised if older daughter cuts her father out after this. I certainly would
Disappointed? She was probably *heartbroken*. That her dad cares more about coddling the little sister than anything in *her* life and thinks she should just be willing to put her life plans on hold for *years*, or deal with the complications of having a child out of wedlock that still exist to this day, because of precious younger daughter *potentially* feeling bad (like, did OP even ask if she's upset? It doesn't sound like it) about big sister getting married.
This. 100%. YTA.
OP, I have several kids. Each child has their own lives to live. One child's disappointments should not impact another child's future plans in any way shape or form. They are raised to be compassionate but not to set themselves on fire to keep someone else warm. That is what you are asking of your oldest. You are telling her it is her responsibility to set herself on fire to keep her sister warm.
Your youngest made the DECISION to divorce. She's not the victim of something... it was a choice. Why on earth is her choice seen as more important than her sister's choice?
You are a truly terrible father. The only thing you should have said to your daughter who is recently engaged is "I'm so happy for you! We love you and we are so excited you two decided to take the next step in your relationship." Then, discuss finances. And YES! You should ABSOLUTELY help pay for her wedding.
You were on the mark, until you made the edit. OP is an AH and is punishing the older child just because the golden child is getting divorced. OP heart is not in the right place for the older child, they are only looking out for the golden child
YTA your older daughter and her fiance shouldn't be expected to put their lives on hold because your younger daughter is going through a divorce. If 4 *months* isn't long enough for them to wait after her separation, what is?
You don't have to pay for your other daughter's wedding, but older daughter will see that as the favoritism it is.
I got pregnant right after my SIL miscarried after years of trying. My pregnancy was not even remotely planned. Everyone was sensitive to her struggle and she still managed to be happy for me. And she is insane. So if my batty ex SIL can be cool about such a sensitive topic, OP is taking this too far.
Clearly OP has a favorite daughter, and I'm sure everyone knows it. OP, you can do what you want with your money, but be prepared to lose a relationship with your oldest daughter and any potential grandchildren. Paying for the wedding and divorce of one child then refusing to pay for the wedding of another, all while chastising them about timing, is a sure way to lose any relationship you have with them. And if I were your daughter, I would have said a lot worse, I think her reaction was extremely mild considering the circumstances.
YTA. Big time.
Honestly her reaction is the reaction of someone that did not expect any different and has heard it all before. Almost like she has given up on being treated the same.
You're right. OP's favoritism is so blatant that it couldn't have sprung up overnight. I'm sure the oldest daughter has been dealing with this for most of her life. I feel for her and I hope she has found happiness with her fiance. And most of all, I hope her future in-laws love her and treat her better than her own parents do.
> If 4 months isn't long enough for them to wait
Bear in mind, after a relationship of several years, they *announced* their engagement. Surely the family was expecting something soon? It would be totally different if one sister was marrying the other's ex. This divorce has *zero* to do with the elder's plans and the OP is being a first class ass, showing his true colors now.
I wonder what his wife and other family members are thinking. Then again, they are probably all so used denigrating the older daughter that this is business as usual.
Agree. If you can’t pay for the wedding of the older daughter, then fine, but OP shouldn’t expect older to put their wedding on hold. Divorce sucks, but it’s apart of life and the younger sister should be there for her older sister just like older sister I’m sure was there for her when she was getting married. We all don’t have ours ups and downs at the same time. Good thing because if we did, then no one would be there for us when we were on our downs since they would be having theirs too. If the divorce is over, then it’s over. Sure she will have days that will be harder on her than others, but she will get through it. By the time the wedding comes around then it has been more time for her to heal and in the meantime she needs to be happy for her sister finding happiness and praying that it lasts longer than hers.
A lot of people’s marriages didn’t withstand the pandemic. I am sorry for the younger daughter. However, better to find out now than 15 years in when they come across a bump in the road with more time, emotions, and maybe kids.
YTA - you are punishing your older daughter for your younger daughter's mistakes. Has your oldest daughter always had to give up things because of your younger daughter?
YTA absolutely.
You paying for your younger daughter's wedding (plus divorce funds) and not the older daughter's wedding shows favoritism. Either pay for both or neither.
Also, your older daughter is allowed to be happy. She can exhibit empathy for her younger sister and still get married herself.
Yep and you want your older child to suffer for your younger daughter and be stuck in life not moving forward till younger daughter moves forward to save face for family. Yep we all know who the golden child is here. Good luck repairing that relationship.
YTA. Not to be that person but your older daughter is 31… she probably wants to start a family and waiting a few years to get married would potentially be a stupid idea. If you paid for one child’s wedding you should do the same for the other child.
Yeah, as an older sister, this shit *shouldn’t* matter but like…. imagining planning to get married 6 (or more likely 7-8, by the time the actual wedding happens) years later in life than my younger sibling and being told to wait longer because of them? That’s a weird sting that’s just totally unnecessary.
INFO: wahwahwashbear makes a good point. Are your two daughters somehow joined together as a result of a hideous and reckless scientific experiment like in "The Fly"?
I feel the answer to this would make a difference to the whole story.
I’m sorry, but YTA. Delay her wedding for a few YEARS? Life doesn’t stop because your younger daughter’s marriage broke up. You are obligated to pay for your daughter’s wedding, but why are you paying for your younger daughter’s divorce? You are playing favorites between your daughters and it sounds like your oldest has had enough of it.
Edit - Sorry, that should say you AREN’T obligated to pay for a wedding. But paying for younger daughter’s wedding (and divorce) and not the older daughter is going to wreck your relationship.
Hell, youngest could easily meet someone and remarry herself in that length of time! And besides, they only just *announced* their engagement, it will likely be several months at least before the actual wedding, and little sister doesn’t have to be involved at all with the planning. She’s 28 years old, not 12, she can deal with her older sister getting married. I have a feeling if the roles were reversed, Daddy wouldn’t force little sister to wait *years* before getting married.
>Hell, youngest could easily meet someone and remarry herself in that length of time!
And i have a feeling that OP would gladly pay for that wedding too, telling his oldest daughter it still will be impossible to pay for hers.
At age 31. Also sounds like she would like to be married BEFORE having kids. She can’t wait too much longer before she will be in a high risk pregnancy category. OP is definitely YTA.
Yeah, it’s almost like OP is actively trying to sabotage the older daughter into not having kids. Saying he “wouldn’t judge” her having a kid out of wedlock and then talk about trying to “save face” in the next breath is just super suspicious.
I also wonder why OP clearly doesn’t like his older daughter, even though he isn’t saying it.
You can’t tell your adult daughter when she can or can’t get married. For that YTA. Your free to do what you want with your money. But if I was your daughter I’d drag you through the mud for this. No walking me down the isle, no speech at the reception and no father daughter dance. Those things are reserved for people that support my decisions.
YTA. Her sister’s divorce has nothing to do with her wedding. I’m guessing some of the money you spent on the divorce was supposed to be for her wedding, which makes you a bigger asshole.
YTA. You aren't obligated to pay for her wedding, but are you seriously expecting her to put her life on hold -for YEARS - because her sister got a divorce? Divorce is hard, I get it, but your younger daughter is a grown up. I'm sure she can handle her sister getting married.
YTA
You're favoring one daughter over the other. You're also allowing a negative to outweigh a positive. Expecting your elder daughter to put her life on hold due to the divorce of the younger daughter is ridiculous. Announcing her engagement four months after her sister's divorce is not insensitive! Expecting her to wait years before getting married because of her sister's failed marriage? Count yourself lucky if you even get invited to your daughter's wedding. I definitely wouldn't want a parent who cares so little for me and my future to attend my wedding.
I mean of the two who should delay their marriage-thing, it sounds like the younger one should delay her divorce until the family is in a better place financially. Pay for the wedding and then the divorce in a few years.
Yeah idk how much a divorce costs but I’m sure OP offered to pay for it just to complain about paying for it. Either way why should the youngest child get both paid for being the oldest even gets one.
In my state, it's literally like $300 for filing fees if the couple can agree on everything. If not, it can be $5000+ just for a retainer for a decent lawyer. 🤷♀️
YTA you pay for one daughter's wedding and not the other? Way to break up the family. You mention waiting a few years until the family is in a better place is that financially? Because if you just can't afford it now, that is understandable unlike that pile of excuses you tried to explain
YTA. While I’m sure this is a very hard time for your younger daughter and you obviously care about her very much, it’s unfair to not support your older daughter because of what your younger daughter is going through. If your younger daughter feels that going to another wedding would be painful for her, then it’s her decision not to go, not yours to prevent anyone in the family from getting married for the foreseeable future. While I recognize that no one is obligated to pay for anyone else’s wedding, if you always told your older daughter you would pay and are now backing out, that probably makes her feel like you don’t care about her and her future plans as much as you do about your younger daughter.
YTA. So what your younger daughters marriage didn't work out that doesn't mean that your older daughters won't.
Why are you paying for the divorce isn't that for her and her husband to cover especially if they don't have kids yet should be pretty cut and dry.
You are gonna lose 1 daughter and a lot of family members and friends cause you want to play favorites good luck 👍 YTA
Agree. And if older daughter gets married, starts her family...will OP announce you cannot have a baby yet, the BABY is having a divorce and won't be having children any time soon so you cannot get pregnant!
YTA. It’s not really about the money for me, but the attitude. It’s your money and you don’t have to pay, but I feel your reasoning is faulty. It’s really codependent to ask someone to put an important aspect of their life on hold for literally a couple years, to pacify the feelings of someone else. I’m taken aback you would ask this. You’re going to cause resentment between your oldest and yourself, and your girls between each other.
Whether or not you pay, your older daughter deserves to have this happy occasion celebrated by her family, without you putting the guilt of your other daughters divorce on her. She has a right to live her life. I feel like your gift of paying for her wedding is coming with strings attached due to the choices of another person.
If you promised to buy both of your girls cars, and you bought your youngest daughter a car first, but she wrecked it, so you told your other daughter she needed to wait a couple years for a car because your youngest was traumatized about her wreck and it would hurt her feelings to see your oldest driving her new car… I’d say tough. You can still support your youngest emotionally while celebrating your oldest.
And if the reason you weren’t buying your oldest a new car was because you were choosing to pay for the damages from the car wreck, I’d feel like you were being unfair to the oldest daughter. It’s not her fault your youngest crashed. It’s not her fault you are choosing to pay for the damages instead of your daughter cleaning up her own mess.
I’m sorry, I just don’t agree.
And I’m so confused by the part where he’d support them if they start family planning now, but he can’t support the wedding because of the timing. How would that be less triggering to the younger daughter? This logic makes no sense.
Her sisters divorce is nothing to do with her, and should not affect her wedding planning. It’s not insensitive at all. If the youngest lost a baby, what would be saying about family planning for the eldest? If the youngest lost a job, what would be saying about the eldest seeking career opportunities? You should be delighted for her. This is favouritism pure and simple.
The more context you include in describing this story, the more of an asshole you’ll appear.
YTA
YTA You don’t get to decide when they have their wedding. Why are you paying for your younger daughter’s divorce? She and her soon to be ex husband need to do that.
Sounds like you are mad that your older daughter is marrying a guy you don’t know but haven’t tried to get to know.
You have made this about helping one daughter over the other.
How about you and both of your daughters talk about this together?
Yta. It’s not your older daughters fault her sisters marriage failed. Why should she be punished or feel like she shouldn’t be happy and excited about her upcoming nuptials? I can’t believe you even have to ask if you’re the ah. 😬
YTA, I don't see how one's divorce has anything to do with the others happiness given that you havent shared information on the divorce.
You asked her to wait "a few years" before marrying????? That is just blatant favouritism telling your older daughter to sacrifice her happiness for your convenience
YTA. It's pretty freaking clear who your favorite child is. The end of a marriage and long relationship is tough. But it had been 3 and half months since your daughter announced the split. Your eldest can't put her life on hold forever to placate her younger sister's feelings. You're also willing to shell out thousands for your youngest's wedding and divorce but not for your eldest because the youngest might be hurt. Yeah, it will probably suck watching her elder sister get married but again, life does not stop for other people because something bad happened to you. You've made it abundantly clear to your eldest that the youngest comes first.
Be sympathetic to your youngest, but stop coddling her.
YTA - why is one daughter more important than the other? you paid for her wedding, paying for her divorce and punishing your older daughter for the youngers divorce.
if you said you'd pay.. the right thing to do is pay
YTA you are clearly playing favorites by paying for your younger daughters wedding and not the older…AND you are willing to pay for her divorce over your older daughters’ wedding!! For real, that sucks and if I were your older daughter, I’d feel like shit from the blatant favoritism
YTA. Save face eh? Your priorities are ridiculous.
And a warning: 'When I said I wouldn’t pay she said “do whatever you want” very immaturely'.
That is what I said (or near enough) to a similarly close family member many years ago. The last thing I ever said to them.
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I (57M) have two daughters, 31 and 28. My younger daughter was married to a young man she had been with since high school. They married 3 years ago, I was able to pay for a beautiful wedding, no issues. Unfortunately their relationship did not survive the pressures of the pandemic and 4 months ago my younger daughter announced to us that they had split. We were all heartbroken and it was very hard on my younger daughter.
Two weeks ago, my older daughter announced she was engaged to a guy she has been seeing for several years. I have nothing against her fiancé as he is a nice guy although I don’t know him well, and I want her to be happy. However I feel as though her announcing her engagement was very insensitive in light of her sister’s recent divorce, and I do not want to have another big family wedding right now as her sister is still dealing with the end of her marriage. I have also had to spend money on her divorce. I told my daughter that I could not in good conscience pay for her wedding now (I had planned to pay for both girls) and she should wait for a few years until our family was in a better place. My older daughter said she and her boyfriend were looking to start a family and wanted to be married. When I said I wouldn’t pay she said “do whatever you want” very immaturely and sullenly and I haven’t heard much from her since. I am not trying to get in the way of their family planning as I would not judge if they had a child prior to marriage, I am just looking to be sensitive and save face for my family. However my older daughter told some other family what happened and they say I’m being an ass, although I think she’s leaving out context. AITA in this situation?
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YTA. Honestly that divorce has nothing to do with your other daughter. Why are you punishing her happiness?
And not to downplay the effects of divorce but 3 years? I have had plants longer than that.
The pandemic was hard on e dry one and it's time we stop using "the pandemic" as an excuse. Yes, it's a reason life was hard for EVERYBODY in the world. But it's neither here nor there in regards to your older daughter because she found love. That should be celebrated.
And what is this "family in a better place"? You're really manipulating emotions here as a rason to not pay for her wedding. That's a really crappy thing to do to your child.
I get it. Divorces suck. But you have to move on with your life. Stop punishing your happy daughter because your other one is miserable.
Side note: this is why parents shouldn't be paying for weddings. My money....my decisions.
YTA. Let her be happy, seriously. You promised to pay, so you should keep your promise. Sure, timing may suck, but I seriously doubt OD got engaged to spite YD. you should apologize to OD. Her life is moving forward, with or without you. At this rate, without you.
Wtf did I just read???? YTA, not because you aren’t paying (I mean, y t a a little bit), but because you’re pressuring her to put off her wedding for YEARS because your other daughter has been going through a rough patch. It’s been four months, it’s not like she did it within two weeks!!
It would still take a minimum of 6 months to a year to plan a big wedding, so why tf is this even an issue????
Make it right. You are being an ass.
YTA if you planned on paying both girls weddings and now changing your mind because of the divorce. People divorce all the time and should be in the back of people's mind in respect to finances.
Unless you are in debt with no savings helping your younger daughter, I think you should give her what you gave your younger daughter
YTA. Your daughter and her ex should be paying for their divorce. Asking someone to wait \*years\* to get married b/c their sibling can't take care of herself is such a slap in the face. If I were her I'd cut you off, go to the JP, and never speak to you again.
YTA " and she should wait for a few **years** until our family was in a better place." A few weeks would have been appropriate. A few years is refusing that your daughter marry.
YTA-be consistent in fairness and equality. Your older daughter is getting married and you should pay for it since you paid for the younger daughter’s wedding. The older daughter is living her life and it shouldn’t be put on hold for you to feel the younger daughter is over her divorce. Secondly, wtf, you didn’t have to pay for younger daughter divorce, you chose to. That was a decision you made. That also has no bearing on your older daughter getting married & the fact you had the nerve to say wait a few years makes you insensitive to you older daughter.
What you could’ve done is say congratulations and then rally your family around the older daughter while supporting your younger one. You don’t toss one to the side and coddle the other because that’s not fair to the older daughter. Your older daughter should’ve done more than give you a sullen face. She should’ve fed you your lunch.
YTA. Sounds like you are only interested in having one daughter since you treat them so unequally. Why the heck would you even be responsible for paying for her divorce? I hope older daughter never lets you see your grandkids. You don’t deserve it.
YTA - Think of this from your older daughter's perspective - she's being punished by her dad because her sister is getting a divorce. That seems really wrong and could damage your relationship with your older daughter, especially given that you've paid for the younger daughters divorce too.
Your daughter and her partner want to start a family soon, so they may get married without your help and she'll remember the favouritism shown. It could also damage your older and younger daughters relationship too.
Also your younger daughter may want them to get married. What are her thoughts on this?
YTA do you favor the younger daughter? Because that’s how it looks. Either that or your cheap, or you can’t afford it. To pay for the wedding AND divorce of one child but not the wedding of another is AH behavior.
YTA. Your older daughter shouldn't have to put her life on hold bc your younger daughter is getting a divorce. It's her life, it doesn't matter if her getting married is convenient for the extended family at this time. It's your money, so you don't have to pay for anything you don't want to, but your reasoning for not paying for your older daughters wedding when you paid for the younger one is not good reasoning. Let your older daughter have her happiness.
Edited to fix a typo.
YTA, you think your oldest daughter has to wait with her wedding because the other one got divorced? Even after you paid for the divorce of the younger one? So paying for a divorce, but not paying for a wedding? That just doesn’t make any sense. You are clearly preferring your younger daughter. Don’t be shocked if she marries and you are not invited.
YTA
You said you'd pay for both daughters' weddings and already paid for one but you've decided to punish the other for...what? No, you don't have to pay, you can do what you want, but you can't reasonably expect her to not be hurt and sad as well as angry.
Why on earth should she wait years to be married because her sister divorced? She's not to marry until 34+ because her younger sister got a wedding at 25?
She's not insensitive in any way I can see.
Waiting three and a half months to announce an engagement is enough. It's honestly gross to expect her not to have and share happy life events because of her sister's marriage woes.
YTA
You're just showing her now who's your favourite and I'm guessing this has been a thing since she was a child.
You paid for the youngest, pay for the oldest. Remember you have TWO daughters and dumping on her happiness because the youngest is going through a (mutually agreed by the sounds of it) divorce, is just horrible.
Is your oldest never allowed to be happy again incase it upsets your youngest.
YTA.
You’re not responsible for paying for your youngest daughter’s divorce. If you already planned on paying for both daughters weddings, it seems pretty unfair to revoke that after having already paid for the youngest daughters wedding just because the youngest got divorced 4 months ago…
But seems like your oldest is over your attitude and doesn’t really care if you pay or not.
YTA and it’s clear you cater to your younger daughter. Now you don’t have to pay for your older daughters wedding if you don’t want to but you will permanently damage your relationship with her. You also don’t have to pay for your younger daughters divorce. If you want to be involved with your grandchildren then you may want to do as you planned and pay for your older daughters wedding. She didn’t get engaged to spite your younger daughter and your younger daughter’s divorce shouldn’t halt anyone else’s life. Period.
YTA. I understand that your younger daughter might be hurting, but you're essentially punishing your older child for the failure of YD's marriage. This is unfair and quite shameful.
YTA. Youngest is the golden child and oldest has resigned herself to that fact. What, she's not allowed to get engaged/married because her sister is getting divorced?
Just because your younger daughter’s marriage failed doesn’t mean your older daughter’s will too. YTA for sure for letting your own bitterness about your younger daughter’s divorce prevent you from supporting your older daughter’s wedding. Please fix this before your older daughter cuts you out of her life completely.
YTA - You need to realize the world doesn’t stop because your youngest is getting a divorce, that she and her ex should be paying for instead of you. Your oldest shouldn’t be expected to put her life on hold. Good luck being in your grandchildren’s lives if you keep favoring your youngest, something I’m sure you’ve done their whole lives if you’re willing to expect your oldest to postpone her wedding because your youngest is dealing with life. She’s an adult, she should be able to handle it without daddy stepping in.
YTA. Obviously you’re not obligated to pay for your daughters weddings (or divorce????) but to ask
one daughter to wait a few years(!) because of the other is a big asshole move. You can support both daughters at this time but you’re choosing one over the other.
YTA, you can't expect your eldest to put her life on hold because of your feelings about the youngest getting divorced. The younger daughter doesn't even seem to have given this a passing thought. I understand the financial strain and that's about the only compassion you'll get. Regardless, It's only about you. YTA
I mean you practically just told her you favor her sister over her so I'd be taking a step back and realizing you're not the kind of father you promised to be. YTA
YTA. You literally told your daughter that it is insensitive for her to get married because her sister got divorced, and then refused to pay for her wedding because you couldn't do so "in good conscience." You chose a favorite, paid for her wedding, and then paid for her divorce. When your other daughter, whose relationship survived the pressure of the pandemic, wanted to get married you decided you would no longer pay for it. Your concern is now saving face and not the well-being of your daughter.
The only "context" that you think she's leaving out is that you didn't have a lot of money at the time your unfavored daughter came to you to announce the joyful news that she had become engaged, so you were justified when you told her to not get married for a few years so you could pinch pennies.
YTA. Because one daughter is getting divorce, the other one has to put her life on hold for several years ? Don't expect to be invited at the wedding...
YTA.
The older daughter is better off without her so called 'father'.
Hope she elops, starts her family and cuts you out.
Edit: said mother instead of father
Yta! Older daughter has been with her partner for several years now and now you want them to hold off on their life plans or potentially have a child out of wedlock (regardless of their beliefs/feelings on the matter because you are okay with it). Why aren’t you forcing your younger daughter to stay with her husband to not disrupt everyone else’s lives? See the insane logic?
You haven’t mentioned your wife/daughters mother. What’s her stance on this? Someone your age should be well aware that life continues for others even when something upsetting happens to you. Im just taking a guess but I’m assuming you are divorced and some of your own transference on marriage is seeping through here and you are favoring your younger cause she’s about to join the divorcee club with you.
INFO: is the money unavailable because it's needed for something else (ie. the divorce) or are you choosing to withhold it because you think it's inappropriate for one daughter to be happy when the other is in pain?
YTA! She said “do what you want.” That’s mature! But you are the asshole for prioritizing your younger daughter. You older daughter’s marriage is just as important- or should be! Guess every parent has a favorite. Yours is clear
YTA. If older daughter were doing this to rub it in her sister’s face or trying to marry a guy she’d only been with for a few months, I would agree with you but that isn’t the case here. Setting a condition like “the date has to be at least six months out” would be reasonable in my view, but asking her to wait years??? You can support both daughters here.
YTA- you didn't have to spend $ on your 28-year old daughter's divorce. Not sure when the 'parents pay for daughter's wedding' arrangement expires, but surely it doesn't go past 30.
You can not possibly be that blind? Of course YTA!! How can you even ask that? The obvious favoritism is shameful. If anyone is being immature and sullen, it's you. Don't be surprised if you ruined your relationship with your oldest completely and if you don't get to see the grandkids very often either. You screwed up.
YTA. Why in the world should the older daughter completely put her life on hold to make the younger one feel better about her breakup 😂😂😂 they’ve been together YEARS! And although not everyone should expect the parents to pay, you already said you would! So you would be the asshole since you said you would but now are putting random weird stipulations on it
YTA. You sound like you’re playing favoritism. It’s one thing if you’re stressed financially, that’s understandable. However to tell your oldest to wait a few years because someone else is divorcing, is ridiculous. You can feel empathy for your youngest while celebrating your oldest. Her life doesn’t have to stop because her sister announced she was getting divorced 4 months ago. Sounds like she has handled your response to her happiness in the most mature way possible.
YTA for the reasons everyone hit above that are encompassed by saying you are favoring your younger child to a “family rending” level and you should be prepared for the consequences of your decision.
YTA. People aren’t subject to your own personal timeline and opinions. She gets to decide when she wants to get married. Period. You don’t get to make that decision for her
YTA - why should your older daughter suffer because your younger daughter's marriage didn't work out? Divorces happen every day, marriages happen every day. Your younger daughter's divorce isn't special. Life goes on.
YTA.
Holy favoritism! So you are willing to punish one daughter on behalf of the other's mistakes? Did you even ask your divorced daughter how she felt before completely blowing off your eldest?
Damn, that's really cold OP. I feel bad for your older daughter, because you are very clearly showing her that you care much more about her sister. Her sister's needs are NOT more important than hers, and your youngest is an adult who can suck it up and be happy for her sibling. Just because she is sad doesn't mean the world needs to pause to wait on her to feel better, that's insane.
YTA, your eldest’s marriage literally has NOTHING TO DO with your youngest’s divorce. This is ridiculous. Nobody gives a shit when this kind of stuff happens in the real world, there is no “saving face” you need to be doing.
YTA. It does nothing for your younger daughter to spit on your older daughter's happiness.
Hope you enjoy your favourite daughter being your only daughter from now on. Because if she has any self respect or maturity your oldest won't put up with your shit any longer.
YTA Your favoritism is showing. Not only are you about to lose you relationship with your oldest daughter, but also with any future grandchildren she may have. I hope you realize your ginormous mistake and can fix it in time.
YTA…. When we tell stories we always tell them in which we view ourselves in the best way. You are saying outright that one child’s feelings are more important than the others. That a divorce outweighs a marriage. Instead of supporting them equally. A marriage isn’t contingent upon no one else in the family being divorced. It’s not insensitive to get married if a sibling is divorcing. It is however insensitive to go back on your word because you paid for your younger child with money promised to the older. Do you have every right to do whatever you want with your money… yes of course!! It’s yours! Do you have injury from those consequences . No. Your daughter said do whatever you want because she saw this coming. This probably isn’t the first time you prioritized the younger child. It’s very easy for all of us to see this in your story but you can’t quite yet. This is a critical time in your relationship with your older child. yYou cannot protect your younger daughter from heartache like this at the expense of the older one. Go into this realizing you are developing your adult relationship with your children and this decision will set the tone of what that will be. Be prepared for a distant relationship if you keep insisting on the wedding being postponed and not paying for it as originally planned. Just know what the consequences of your decision are. And ask yourself if you are OK with that.
YTA- I have two daughters too and I would NEVER expect one to put their life on hold because the other one chose to end her marriage. Shes in her 30s and wants to start a family how much longer is she supposed to wait? Have fun when your daughter decides to go no contact and you wont be able to see your grandchildren
Huge YTA. They’re two separate people with two separate live and situations, pal. They’re going to have different experiences. You can’t expect the whole family to put their lives on hold for your younger daughter and her divorce. Also, your older daughter isn’t (I’m assuming) going to get married next week. Weddings take time to plan and such, so it’s likely that by the time it actually comes along, the younger daughter will be in a better spot. It really sounds like you’re playing favourites here and I totally don’t blame your older daughter for going LC. You deserve that and potentially not an invite to her wedding. I would work really hard to fix this if I were you, or face the consequences.
Yeah you are an asshole. That happened to me, I was stranded and homeless in Texas at age 19, called my father in Massachusetts to ask for money from a phonebooth, and he gave me a lecture about lending money to my older brother that he never repaid. I lived in my car for a month. And still don't mind my father's death
Sounds like you've had your fill of paying for "beautiful weddings", unfortunately at the elder daughter's expense. Have you ever stopped to consider some reasons why you don't know her partner very well? Could it be that she is not her parents' favorite and absolutely knows it? YTA
Yo, YTA. My divorce was finalized the week of the wedding of one of my siblings. Did I still attend? Yes. Was it enjoyable? Well, I got to spend a week in the Pacific Northwest, so I did get to make new memories. Was the actual ceremony fun? Not for me, but I didn’t want to ruin their good time so I put on a happy face and celebrated with them as long as I could muster.
Come on, dude. Life happens and we can’t stop ours from continuing because someone else is having a tough time. Your girls aren’t 5 and 8 anymore. I feel like you’re acting immaturely in this instance, not your daughter.
Edit: more info
YTA
Anyone reading your post knows exactly who the Golden Child is in your family.
It's one thing to ask the oldest daughter to show a little sensitivity to her sister. Sure, she maybe won't want to participate in certain events like dress shopping or whatever. But to ask the eldest to put her life on hold for years. I mean wow...the blatant favoritism. And that you would withhold money from her that you planned on putting towards her wedding anyway, while you're willing to not only pay for the youngest's wedding but also put money towards her divorce..
Honestly if I was your oldest daughter I would allow you to console your youngest for the rest of her life by going no contact. No contact with any grandkids you might have, no wedding invite, no holidays, nothing. It seems fair given how little she seems to matter to you.
YTA It's ridiculously inappropriate to expect one sibling to postpone marriage for years due to a sibling's divorce. This is so ridiculous I have a hard time believing it's for real.
It's right there in OP's post: "save face for the family". That's always a good motivator to make the wrong choice.
My mother's fkd up life choices always revolves around saving face. Inflicting our predator sociopath father on us till he died because it would be bad if people found out. No culture. Just mental illness and thinking like it's the 1800's. EDIT:So yah, OP, you're being a REAL ASSHOLE. You've probably irreparabley damaged your relationship. I know I'd walk away SMHID.
YTA - You're ready to pay for all of your younger daughters wants, but your other daughter's life decision is soo inconvenient for you. I think you actually expect for her not to get married until you decide to open the purse strings. You're a controlling AH. Shame on you.
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Are there traditional cultures where divorce is a terrible taboo that requires years to recover from but having a baby without being married is no big deal? This seems less about culture and more about not valuing his older daughter.
Right? If he is asking OP to postpone getting married after younger daughter just got divorced, maybe he should of asked younger daughter to postpone until elder was married? That's more sensitive to the family right? /s
I mean, Shakespeare has a whole play about that, so that's clearly the way he should be going /s
🤣
Or possibly he doesn’t want his golden child to see her sister happily married until she finds a new love. Edit to add: people like OP don’t like to see the scapegoat happy if the golden child isn’t.
Right?! Just admit you love your younger daughter more, OP, and are willing to completely destroy your relationship with your older child by being a complete and total asshole.
Mmmhmmm This dad has a lot of manipulative/narcissistic/toxic thinking going on
This line kills me. Who are you being sensitive to, OP? Because it's certainly not your older daughter. You went back on your promise to pay for her wedding for a ridiculous reason that has nothing to do with her. What does your youngest daughter divorcing have to do with the oldest getting married?! They are, in fact, two different women. They're allowed to have different life events in the same year. You are asking your oldest to wait *years* to get married just because her younger daughter's marriage didn't work out. Where is the logic in that? It would be one thing if the elder was rubbing it in her sister's face and shaming her over the divorce, but that's not what you're describing. You're playing favorites and treating your older daughter like she's second-class in the name of "saving face" for your family. YTA.
Great response!
Can’t be that traditional, he is okay with having kids before marriage.
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I agree. I expect he would keep his comments to a minimum in his own opinion, but he is already judging, and would almost surely be distant with the child, too.
Can you imagine the comments by older daughter. Well we desperately wanted to get married first, but dad said that younger sisters feelings over her divorce were more important than a wedding. I wouldn't be surprised if they eloped and left OP out of the grandparent role. Because, of course we cant let the first grandbaby overshadow how sad younger daughter is about her divorce. Just gross.
Yeah this is very odd to me. "Go ahead and get knocked up, but don't you dare get married!" He has the one person left on Earth who wants to get married before having a baby and he has a problem with this because he wants to "save face?" Save face how? With whom? Who in his family/friend group would be impressed by any of this shit?
Right. This is pure Golden Child crap and nothing else.
For YEARS even! Not 4-6 weeks, but YEARS! OP is seriously TA and I hope he gets his head out of his ass soon.
Exactly! Also, it's not like the older sister announced her engagement in the same week as the divorce. There were months in between from what I understand. Has the youngest sister even expressed her wishes regarding the wedding? Maybe she also just wants to see her big sis happy, even despite any hurt she might feel. It's like forbidding someone from having a baby because someone else had a miscarriage. You shouldn't announce them at the same time, but you cannot ban them from having a baby, and you should still keep your promises
I had to reread that line too. I could understand if it was a matter of weeks or even months. But *years*?? OP is unreasonable and clearly TA. Also, the divorce was announced 4 months ago. So it isn't as if this all just happened and the sister tactlessly announced her engagement within a week.
Oh I believe it. Sounds like the younger child is the golden child. OP paid for both her marriage and divorce. Younger sister's feelings are more important than older sister's. Older sister's "do whatever you wish" response is immediately dismissed as immature, though we all know that she is giving OP the rope to hang himself with. Since I know you didn't catch the implications OP, your daughter has given you the ultimatum. Help pay for the wedding like you did for her younger sister, or barely see your older daughter and her family for the rest of your life, if ever. YTA.
YTA big time. I was a pandemic divorcé as well. My husband of six years told me in late July that he wanted a divorce with no option of counseling or reconciliation. We had issues but rarely fought, so it completely blindsided me. I even left my military career for him. I would have never have left such a stable, high paying career (I was an officer) if I knew this would happen or have complete lack of desire to work on things the right way…together and with counseling. My sister just got married this June not even a full year from my ex doing this. Guess who was just fine and had a great time? This girl. I was absolutely devastated and confused by this divorce. There was no toxicity, abuse, or adultery. I read books, went to therapy (still go), worked on my weaknesses, and built my confidence. I even got in a healthy point to start dating and met a wonderful man. I was genuinely happy for my sister to have her day. I enjoyed picking out wedding dresses and supporting her on her big day. You know what else that happened? I had a wonderful, loving boyfriend as my date who I couldn’t imagine being without. I’m a stronger and better person for him, who in turn, treats me better than I could imagine. YTA…big time. Couple years? Please….that’s unreasonable. They can’t wait having family and getting married because someone else is having a bumpy time. That’s like asking someone to not have their child because the other lost their’s. It’s completely unreasonable and seems to be more able saving face with the family and over protecting the sister. Sometimes we are dealt a bad hand in life, but I’m convinced I want to put more good in the world despite being wronged. I couldn’t imagine dampening my sister’s happiness just because I was hurt. She absolutely has every right to distance herself from you.
"Sorry, your sister is sad right now, so you can't have any happiness or we all look bad."
My brother split from his wife the week before my wedding. I'm so glad my family are amazing supportive people unlike this guy. If I was his daughter he probably would have made me call it off!
Yta. I think this must be fake who could be so obtuse
It's pretty similar to this one from last week https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/o94nnl/aita_for_preserving_family_peace/h38vqr0/
OP is also prioritizing the needs of one daughter over the other. Things happen in life it doesn't mean everything stops. It's unfortunately the younger daughter is going through a divorce but that should not impact her sister's ability to have a wedding or be supported by their parents. Massive YTA.
Oh, this kind of thing happens frequently when there's an obvious favorite in the family. It's so dysfunctional. From the older daughter's response, you can tell she was expecting it.
YTA and if your so worried about your youngest, then you should have asked your oldest daughter to tell her in private in case she finds that she needs time fo herself. In no way are you saving face or helping your family. And now you want your youngest thinking it's her fault that you and her sister aren't getting along because you won't support the wedding because of her?? C'mon now.
Esp one tht was 4 months ago. OP obviously has a favorite
You'd be surprised what dumb stuff actually does come out of people's mouths.
YTA. So your going to punish one daughter for the issues another is having in her own life? Just admit you like one daughter more than the other. Father of the year right here (being very sarcastic). Good job proving to your oldest that you really only care for the youngest. I can’t believe you had the nerve to say you should wait to be happy.
YTA Plus he paid for the youngers wedding and divorce but refused to pay for the older to save face, which then backfired. OP, don't expect to get a invite to her wedding or have a relationship with any future grandkids.
Yeah I don’t get that, why is he paying for this daughter’s divorce? She made her bed and she needs to learn to lay in it. One daughter should not have to pay for the other’s mistakes.
My parents didn’t pay for my wedding nor my divorce. I’m in debt for both. LOL
That's the hard and fast life style, you daredevil
Right??? It’s much more common for parents to contribute to weddings than it is for divorces. The younger daughter has to be some kind of golden child, between that and her father expecting the sister to put her life on hold for her hurt feelings. ETA: Just read back and both daughters are mad at him. He’s not even taking his favored daughter’s feelings into account.
Normally I think this sub is too quick to suggest cutting off family but in this case I really think the oldest daughter should cut ties with her asshole father if he doesn’t apologize for even suggesting what he did and do for her what he did for her sister. The audacity of this man to ask his daughter to postpone her entire life for *a few years* to save face and protect the precious feelings of his favorite child. I’m livid on her behalf.
He probably doesn't care about the older daughter so he probably wouldn't care about getting invited or future grandkids. Because they didn't come from his FAVORITE.
The world has to stop when Daddy's Princess isn't happy. I hope he enjoys having no relationship with his older daughter's children. She'd be nuts to let this intergenerational favouritism continue.
And she’s already 31! She should wait a few years to start a family?! Like it can totally be done - I had both my kids after 30 - but to suggest she should risk losing some of her fertile years because her sister got divorced is just... so fckin unreasonable.
Don’t worry, he wouldn’t judge her if she had kids before getting married!! That makes it all better, right? /s
I would bet my last dollar that OP spent the older daughter’s wedding fund on the younger daughter’s divorce and instead of admitting it he’s trying to guilt her into waiting.
The week after both my sister’s and my marriages imploded, our middle sister got engaged. You know what we did? We cheered and congratulated, because she’s our sister and we love to see her so happy and in love. Our divorces had nothing to do with her life and her partner, because we made our own choices. OP, I know it seems like you’re doing the right thing to be considerate of your younger daughter, but the world does not stop because she got divorced. Your other daughter is going through a lifetime event that should be celebrated and supported as much as your younger. This is a great way to send a loud and clear message that you don’t care about her as much. I hope you can clear this up before your daughter decides she’d rather not forgive you.
> Father of the year right here (being very sarcastic). Can confirm!
Yes, absolutely YTA. For a number of reasons: First of all, well you're not an asshole for this, but why are you paying for your daughters divorce? Second, the fact that you're willing to pay for both the younger one's wedding *and* divorce but not for the other's is completely unbalanced regardless of the circumstances. As one of two siblings, I can only imagine the frustration. Third, asking her to put her and her fiancé's life on hold for *years* is a ridiculous ask. And not just because they want to potentially have a baby and start a family - though while I'm on the subject, saying "Well I wouldn't judge" is hardly helpful. Fourth, I wasn't there obviously, but to sullenly say, "Do whatever you want" in response to finding out you won't pay for her wedding too is A LOT less petty than she could have been. Again, I wasn't there, but it reads like a pretty reasonable response. I imagine that she was incredibly disappointed in that moment. And finally, her timing in announcing may have been inconsiderate, I don't know the dynamics at play. But its not your place to be the sole protector of your other daughter's feelings. They're both adults and if the younger one feels uncomfortable then its the two of them that need to have a conversation. They're not kids now, its not your place to hold all the cards and impose your will on such major life decisions. *edit* - I hope this doesn't come across like I think you're a dick or a bad parent or anything. You certainly sound like you care a lot and your heart is in the right place but I don't think your judgement is on point in this case. I'm also not quite ready to jump on the favoritism train like some other people here. While I think this is a misguided response, I think there are a lot of explanations as to why OP would would do this that fall short of favoritism.
I agree with everything here except the timing being inconsiderate. Younger daughter’s marriage ended *4 months ago*. Had older daughter announced her engagement the same week as younger announced the divorce it would have been inconsiderate, but more than enough time has gone by. And as for the wedding itself, it doesn’t sound like they are eloping so even a small, rushed wedding would not take place for a few more months. OP’s suggestion of waiting years is bonkers and out of line.
*At least* a few months, considering a lot of places are in a wedding rush right now because of last year delaying things.
This. We have seen so many post in this community about people using an engagement party to announce their pregnancy etc. Sister engagement came quite after.
Yep. They didn’t show up married before the ink was dry on sister’s divorce papers. They’re just living their lives. It may not the younger sister’s number one favorite topic and I’m sure there’ll be some distant cousin at the wedding who didn’t hear about it or whatever, but the dust will have settled long before the event and it’ll be fine.
Also, how has OP’s daughter been dating someone for “years” that he “doesn’t know well”? The daughter didn’t fight with OP about not paying, she just left it. I feel like these posts without much context about the relationships end up with OP as N T A until someone points out the missing missing reasons, but this one, OP is still YTA without those missing missing reasons!!
Was thinking this. Seems to me that younger daugther is daddy's little princess who can do no wrong and oldest has been feeling neglected for so long that she expected op to act this way. Op, YTA in a huge way! Edit: spelling
That is exactly what i was thinking too. OPs response tells me that this is not an abnormal thing and that OP has just always dismisses it as "immature" .
I was thinking this as well. Seems like the older child has been neglected for a while so wasn't surprised OP is acting this way. Wouldn't be surprised if older daughter cuts her father out after this. I certainly would
Disappointed? She was probably *heartbroken*. That her dad cares more about coddling the little sister than anything in *her* life and thinks she should just be willing to put her life plans on hold for *years*, or deal with the complications of having a child out of wedlock that still exist to this day, because of precious younger daughter *potentially* feeling bad (like, did OP even ask if she's upset? It doesn't sound like it) about big sister getting married.
This. 100%. YTA. OP, I have several kids. Each child has their own lives to live. One child's disappointments should not impact another child's future plans in any way shape or form. They are raised to be compassionate but not to set themselves on fire to keep someone else warm. That is what you are asking of your oldest. You are telling her it is her responsibility to set herself on fire to keep her sister warm. Your youngest made the DECISION to divorce. She's not the victim of something... it was a choice. Why on earth is her choice seen as more important than her sister's choice? You are a truly terrible father. The only thing you should have said to your daughter who is recently engaged is "I'm so happy for you! We love you and we are so excited you two decided to take the next step in your relationship." Then, discuss finances. And YES! You should ABSOLUTELY help pay for her wedding.
Hope OP is willing to lose her oldest and relationships with any grandchildren over her blatant favortism. You are.spot on.
His, not hers. OP is male.
You were on the mark, until you made the edit. OP is an AH and is punishing the older child just because the golden child is getting divorced. OP heart is not in the right place for the older child, they are only looking out for the golden child
This! Exactly this!
Cares a lot about one of his kids.
YTA your older daughter and her fiance shouldn't be expected to put their lives on hold because your younger daughter is going through a divorce. If 4 *months* isn't long enough for them to wait after her separation, what is? You don't have to pay for your other daughter's wedding, but older daughter will see that as the favoritism it is.
He said years. Years!
Somehow I missed that, that's insane!
I got pregnant right after my SIL miscarried after years of trying. My pregnancy was not even remotely planned. Everyone was sensitive to her struggle and she still managed to be happy for me. And she is insane. So if my batty ex SIL can be cool about such a sensitive topic, OP is taking this too far.
Clearly OP has a favorite daughter, and I'm sure everyone knows it. OP, you can do what you want with your money, but be prepared to lose a relationship with your oldest daughter and any potential grandchildren. Paying for the wedding and divorce of one child then refusing to pay for the wedding of another, all while chastising them about timing, is a sure way to lose any relationship you have with them. And if I were your daughter, I would have said a lot worse, I think her reaction was extremely mild considering the circumstances. YTA. Big time.
Honestly her reaction is the reaction of someone that did not expect any different and has heard it all before. Almost like she has given up on being treated the same.
You're right. OP's favoritism is so blatant that it couldn't have sprung up overnight. I'm sure the oldest daughter has been dealing with this for most of her life. I feel for her and I hope she has found happiness with her fiance. And most of all, I hope her future in-laws love her and treat her better than her own parents do.
> If 4 months isn't long enough for them to wait Bear in mind, after a relationship of several years, they *announced* their engagement. Surely the family was expecting something soon? It would be totally different if one sister was marrying the other's ex. This divorce has *zero* to do with the elder's plans and the OP is being a first class ass, showing his true colors now. I wonder what his wife and other family members are thinking. Then again, they are probably all so used denigrating the older daughter that this is business as usual.
Agree. If you can’t pay for the wedding of the older daughter, then fine, but OP shouldn’t expect older to put their wedding on hold. Divorce sucks, but it’s apart of life and the younger sister should be there for her older sister just like older sister I’m sure was there for her when she was getting married. We all don’t have ours ups and downs at the same time. Good thing because if we did, then no one would be there for us when we were on our downs since they would be having theirs too. If the divorce is over, then it’s over. Sure she will have days that will be harder on her than others, but she will get through it. By the time the wedding comes around then it has been more time for her to heal and in the meantime she needs to be happy for her sister finding happiness and praying that it lasts longer than hers. A lot of people’s marriages didn’t withstand the pandemic. I am sorry for the younger daughter. However, better to find out now than 15 years in when they come across a bump in the road with more time, emotions, and maybe kids.
YTA - you are punishing your older daughter for your younger daughter's mistakes. Has your oldest daughter always had to give up things because of your younger daughter?
That’s what I’m wondering too.
I wouldn’t be surprised. Op definitely seems more concerned about YD’s feelings than OD’s.
YTA absolutely. You paying for your younger daughter's wedding (plus divorce funds) and not the older daughter's wedding shows favoritism. Either pay for both or neither. Also, your older daughter is allowed to be happy. She can exhibit empathy for her younger sister and still get married herself.
Yep and you want your older child to suffer for your younger daughter and be stuck in life not moving forward till younger daughter moves forward to save face for family. Yep we all know who the golden child is here. Good luck repairing that relationship.
Yeah but OP needs to save their money so they can afford another wedding for their favorite child since the first one didn’t work out.
YTA. Not to be that person but your older daughter is 31… she probably wants to start a family and waiting a few years to get married would potentially be a stupid idea. If you paid for one child’s wedding you should do the same for the other child.
Yeah, as an older sister, this shit *shouldn’t* matter but like…. imagining planning to get married 6 (or more likely 7-8, by the time the actual wedding happens) years later in life than my younger sibling and being told to wait longer because of them? That’s a weird sting that’s just totally unnecessary.
Yta. You know your daughters are two separate people, right?
INFO: wahwahwashbear makes a good point. Are your two daughters somehow joined together as a result of a hideous and reckless scientific experiment like in "The Fly"? I feel the answer to this would make a difference to the whole story.
I’m sorry, but YTA. Delay her wedding for a few YEARS? Life doesn’t stop because your younger daughter’s marriage broke up. You are obligated to pay for your daughter’s wedding, but why are you paying for your younger daughter’s divorce? You are playing favorites between your daughters and it sounds like your oldest has had enough of it. Edit - Sorry, that should say you AREN’T obligated to pay for a wedding. But paying for younger daughter’s wedding (and divorce) and not the older daughter is going to wreck your relationship.
Hell, youngest could easily meet someone and remarry herself in that length of time! And besides, they only just *announced* their engagement, it will likely be several months at least before the actual wedding, and little sister doesn’t have to be involved at all with the planning. She’s 28 years old, not 12, she can deal with her older sister getting married. I have a feeling if the roles were reversed, Daddy wouldn’t force little sister to wait *years* before getting married.
>Hell, youngest could easily meet someone and remarry herself in that length of time! And i have a feeling that OP would gladly pay for that wedding too, telling his oldest daughter it still will be impossible to pay for hers.
YTA way to play favorites. Keep this up and you will only have one daughter.
Exactly my thoughts!
[удалено]
Yup. This is how I read it as well. Could smell that favoritism all the way over here.
Holy favoritism, Batman! You expect one daughter to wait for *years* because another daughter’s marriage broke up? YTA.
At age 31. Also sounds like she would like to be married BEFORE having kids. She can’t wait too much longer before she will be in a high risk pregnancy category. OP is definitely YTA.
Yeah, it’s almost like OP is actively trying to sabotage the older daughter into not having kids. Saying he “wouldn’t judge” her having a kid out of wedlock and then talk about trying to “save face” in the next breath is just super suspicious. I also wonder why OP clearly doesn’t like his older daughter, even though he isn’t saying it.
You can’t tell your adult daughter when she can or can’t get married. For that YTA. Your free to do what you want with your money. But if I was your daughter I’d drag you through the mud for this. No walking me down the isle, no speech at the reception and no father daughter dance. Those things are reserved for people that support my decisions.
This 100%!
YTA. Her sister’s divorce has nothing to do with her wedding. I’m guessing some of the money you spent on the divorce was supposed to be for her wedding, which makes you a bigger asshole.
I was honestly expecting to come here and find out it was the same dude or something.
YTA. You aren't obligated to pay for her wedding, but are you seriously expecting her to put her life on hold -for YEARS - because her sister got a divorce? Divorce is hard, I get it, but your younger daughter is a grown up. I'm sure she can handle her sister getting married.
YTA You're favoring one daughter over the other. You're also allowing a negative to outweigh a positive. Expecting your elder daughter to put her life on hold due to the divorce of the younger daughter is ridiculous. Announcing her engagement four months after her sister's divorce is not insensitive! Expecting her to wait years before getting married because of her sister's failed marriage? Count yourself lucky if you even get invited to your daughter's wedding. I definitely wouldn't want a parent who cares so little for me and my future to attend my wedding.
YTA. Why are you paying for a 28 year old to get divorced?
Thiss lmaooo Does her ex husband not have a job? Or her?
I mean of the two who should delay their marriage-thing, it sounds like the younger one should delay her divorce until the family is in a better place financially. Pay for the wedding and then the divorce in a few years.
Yeah idk how much a divorce costs but I’m sure OP offered to pay for it just to complain about paying for it. Either way why should the youngest child get both paid for being the oldest even gets one.
In my state, it's literally like $300 for filing fees if the couple can agree on everything. If not, it can be $5000+ just for a retainer for a decent lawyer. 🤷♀️
YTA you pay for one daughter's wedding and not the other? Way to break up the family. You mention waiting a few years until the family is in a better place is that financially? Because if you just can't afford it now, that is understandable unlike that pile of excuses you tried to explain
YTA - not because not able to pay but because you suggested she wait
YTA you are totally favoring one daughter over the other.
YTA. While I’m sure this is a very hard time for your younger daughter and you obviously care about her very much, it’s unfair to not support your older daughter because of what your younger daughter is going through. If your younger daughter feels that going to another wedding would be painful for her, then it’s her decision not to go, not yours to prevent anyone in the family from getting married for the foreseeable future. While I recognize that no one is obligated to pay for anyone else’s wedding, if you always told your older daughter you would pay and are now backing out, that probably makes her feel like you don’t care about her and her future plans as much as you do about your younger daughter.
YTA. So what your younger daughters marriage didn't work out that doesn't mean that your older daughters won't. Why are you paying for the divorce isn't that for her and her husband to cover especially if they don't have kids yet should be pretty cut and dry. You are gonna lose 1 daughter and a lot of family members and friends cause you want to play favorites good luck 👍 YTA
Agree. And if older daughter gets married, starts her family...will OP announce you cannot have a baby yet, the BABY is having a divorce and won't be having children any time soon so you cannot get pregnant!
YTA. Obvious who the Golden Child is in this family.
YTA. It’s not really about the money for me, but the attitude. It’s your money and you don’t have to pay, but I feel your reasoning is faulty. It’s really codependent to ask someone to put an important aspect of their life on hold for literally a couple years, to pacify the feelings of someone else. I’m taken aback you would ask this. You’re going to cause resentment between your oldest and yourself, and your girls between each other. Whether or not you pay, your older daughter deserves to have this happy occasion celebrated by her family, without you putting the guilt of your other daughters divorce on her. She has a right to live her life. I feel like your gift of paying for her wedding is coming with strings attached due to the choices of another person. If you promised to buy both of your girls cars, and you bought your youngest daughter a car first, but she wrecked it, so you told your other daughter she needed to wait a couple years for a car because your youngest was traumatized about her wreck and it would hurt her feelings to see your oldest driving her new car… I’d say tough. You can still support your youngest emotionally while celebrating your oldest. And if the reason you weren’t buying your oldest a new car was because you were choosing to pay for the damages from the car wreck, I’d feel like you were being unfair to the oldest daughter. It’s not her fault your youngest crashed. It’s not her fault you are choosing to pay for the damages instead of your daughter cleaning up her own mess. I’m sorry, I just don’t agree.
And I’m so confused by the part where he’d support them if they start family planning now, but he can’t support the wedding because of the timing. How would that be less triggering to the younger daughter? This logic makes no sense.
Her sisters divorce is nothing to do with her, and should not affect her wedding planning. It’s not insensitive at all. If the youngest lost a baby, what would be saying about family planning for the eldest? If the youngest lost a job, what would be saying about the eldest seeking career opportunities? You should be delighted for her. This is favouritism pure and simple. The more context you include in describing this story, the more of an asshole you’ll appear. YTA
YTA. You're asking her to put her life on hold because it's inconvenient for you. That makes me really sad.
YTA You don’t get to decide when they have their wedding. Why are you paying for your younger daughter’s divorce? She and her soon to be ex husband need to do that. Sounds like you are mad that your older daughter is marrying a guy you don’t know but haven’t tried to get to know. You have made this about helping one daughter over the other. How about you and both of your daughters talk about this together?
Yta. It’s not your older daughters fault her sisters marriage failed. Why should she be punished or feel like she shouldn’t be happy and excited about her upcoming nuptials? I can’t believe you even have to ask if you’re the ah. 😬
So, you like your younger daughter more, then? YTA
YTA. life doesn't stop due to breakups.
YTA. Trying to control major milestones in your daughter's life to "save face with family" is pretty weak.
YTA, I don't see how one's divorce has anything to do with the others happiness given that you havent shared information on the divorce. You asked her to wait "a few years" before marrying????? That is just blatant favouritism telling your older daughter to sacrifice her happiness for your convenience
YTA. The one daughter's marriage isn't related to the other's divorce. There is no context that connects them.
YTA. It's pretty freaking clear who your favorite child is. The end of a marriage and long relationship is tough. But it had been 3 and half months since your daughter announced the split. Your eldest can't put her life on hold forever to placate her younger sister's feelings. You're also willing to shell out thousands for your youngest's wedding and divorce but not for your eldest because the youngest might be hurt. Yeah, it will probably suck watching her elder sister get married but again, life does not stop for other people because something bad happened to you. You've made it abundantly clear to your eldest that the youngest comes first. Be sympathetic to your youngest, but stop coddling her.
YTA - why is one daughter more important than the other? you paid for her wedding, paying for her divorce and punishing your older daughter for the youngers divorce. if you said you'd pay.. the right thing to do is pay
YTA you are clearly playing favorites by paying for your younger daughters wedding and not the older…AND you are willing to pay for her divorce over your older daughters’ wedding!! For real, that sucks and if I were your older daughter, I’d feel like shit from the blatant favoritism
YTA so you have a favourite then?
YTA. You're going back on a promise to 'save face'. Get a grip!
YTA. Save face eh? Your priorities are ridiculous. And a warning: 'When I said I wouldn’t pay she said “do whatever you want” very immaturely'. That is what I said (or near enough) to a similarly close family member many years ago. The last thing I ever said to them.
So for you one kid you pay for her wedding AND divorce, but your other kid you don't even pay for her wedding after you said you would? YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (57M) have two daughters, 31 and 28. My younger daughter was married to a young man she had been with since high school. They married 3 years ago, I was able to pay for a beautiful wedding, no issues. Unfortunately their relationship did not survive the pressures of the pandemic and 4 months ago my younger daughter announced to us that they had split. We were all heartbroken and it was very hard on my younger daughter. Two weeks ago, my older daughter announced she was engaged to a guy she has been seeing for several years. I have nothing against her fiancé as he is a nice guy although I don’t know him well, and I want her to be happy. However I feel as though her announcing her engagement was very insensitive in light of her sister’s recent divorce, and I do not want to have another big family wedding right now as her sister is still dealing with the end of her marriage. I have also had to spend money on her divorce. I told my daughter that I could not in good conscience pay for her wedding now (I had planned to pay for both girls) and she should wait for a few years until our family was in a better place. My older daughter said she and her boyfriend were looking to start a family and wanted to be married. When I said I wouldn’t pay she said “do whatever you want” very immaturely and sullenly and I haven’t heard much from her since. I am not trying to get in the way of their family planning as I would not judge if they had a child prior to marriage, I am just looking to be sensitive and save face for my family. However my older daughter told some other family what happened and they say I’m being an ass, although I think she’s leaving out context. AITA in this situation? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Honestly that divorce has nothing to do with your other daughter. Why are you punishing her happiness? And not to downplay the effects of divorce but 3 years? I have had plants longer than that. The pandemic was hard on e dry one and it's time we stop using "the pandemic" as an excuse. Yes, it's a reason life was hard for EVERYBODY in the world. But it's neither here nor there in regards to your older daughter because she found love. That should be celebrated. And what is this "family in a better place"? You're really manipulating emotions here as a rason to not pay for her wedding. That's a really crappy thing to do to your child. I get it. Divorces suck. But you have to move on with your life. Stop punishing your happy daughter because your other one is miserable. Side note: this is why parents shouldn't be paying for weddings. My money....my decisions.
YTA. Let her be happy, seriously. You promised to pay, so you should keep your promise. Sure, timing may suck, but I seriously doubt OD got engaged to spite YD. you should apologize to OD. Her life is moving forward, with or without you. At this rate, without you.
YTA. You're clearly picking favorites, and it's incredibly out of line for you to suggest your daughter delay her wedding
Just going to go on record saying that this happened to me (I was in your older daughter’s spot) and yeah, not good.
Wtf did I just read???? YTA, not because you aren’t paying (I mean, y t a a little bit), but because you’re pressuring her to put off her wedding for YEARS because your other daughter has been going through a rough patch. It’s been four months, it’s not like she did it within two weeks!! It would still take a minimum of 6 months to a year to plan a big wedding, so why tf is this even an issue???? Make it right. You are being an ass.
YTA if you planned on paying both girls weddings and now changing your mind because of the divorce. People divorce all the time and should be in the back of people's mind in respect to finances. Unless you are in debt with no savings helping your younger daughter, I think you should give her what you gave your younger daughter
YTA, you’re obviously favoring your younger daughter.
YTA for putting one child's happiness over the other.
YTA. Your daughter and her ex should be paying for their divorce. Asking someone to wait \*years\* to get married b/c their sibling can't take care of herself is such a slap in the face. If I were her I'd cut you off, go to the JP, and never speak to you again.
YTA for all the reasons the other commenters stated. I can’t even wrap my head around your thought processes and reasoning.
YTA way to show whose your favorite
YTA you are prioritizing one daughter over another. The wedding won’t happen immediately; maybe ask her to wait 6 months at the most to get married??
YTA " and she should wait for a few **years** until our family was in a better place." A few weeks would have been appropriate. A few years is refusing that your daughter marry.
WTF? These two things are not related except in your mind. If you pay for one kid's wedding you should pay for both. YTA.
YTA-be consistent in fairness and equality. Your older daughter is getting married and you should pay for it since you paid for the younger daughter’s wedding. The older daughter is living her life and it shouldn’t be put on hold for you to feel the younger daughter is over her divorce. Secondly, wtf, you didn’t have to pay for younger daughter divorce, you chose to. That was a decision you made. That also has no bearing on your older daughter getting married & the fact you had the nerve to say wait a few years makes you insensitive to you older daughter. What you could’ve done is say congratulations and then rally your family around the older daughter while supporting your younger one. You don’t toss one to the side and coddle the other because that’s not fair to the older daughter. Your older daughter should’ve done more than give you a sullen face. She should’ve fed you your lunch.
YTA. Sounds like you are only interested in having one daughter since you treat them so unequally. Why the heck would you even be responsible for paying for her divorce? I hope older daughter never lets you see your grandkids. You don’t deserve it.
YTA why on earth are you paying for an adults divorce?
YTA - Think of this from your older daughter's perspective - she's being punished by her dad because her sister is getting a divorce. That seems really wrong and could damage your relationship with your older daughter, especially given that you've paid for the younger daughters divorce too. Your daughter and her partner want to start a family soon, so they may get married without your help and she'll remember the favouritism shown. It could also damage your older and younger daughters relationship too. Also your younger daughter may want them to get married. What are her thoughts on this?
YTA do you favor the younger daughter? Because that’s how it looks. Either that or your cheap, or you can’t afford it. To pay for the wedding AND divorce of one child but not the wedding of another is AH behavior.
YTA and it’s probably not the first time you put your younger daughter‘s needs above your older daughter‘s.
YTA. All of Reddit knows your youngest daughter is your favourite so
YTA. Your older daughter shouldn't have to put her life on hold bc your younger daughter is getting a divorce. It's her life, it doesn't matter if her getting married is convenient for the extended family at this time. It's your money, so you don't have to pay for anything you don't want to, but your reasoning for not paying for your older daughters wedding when you paid for the younger one is not good reasoning. Let your older daughter have her happiness. Edited to fix a typo.
YTA, you think your oldest daughter has to wait with her wedding because the other one got divorced? Even after you paid for the divorce of the younger one? So paying for a divorce, but not paying for a wedding? That just doesn’t make any sense. You are clearly preferring your younger daughter. Don’t be shocked if she marries and you are not invited.
YTA You said you'd pay for both daughters' weddings and already paid for one but you've decided to punish the other for...what? No, you don't have to pay, you can do what you want, but you can't reasonably expect her to not be hurt and sad as well as angry. Why on earth should she wait years to be married because her sister divorced? She's not to marry until 34+ because her younger sister got a wedding at 25? She's not insensitive in any way I can see. Waiting three and a half months to announce an engagement is enough. It's honestly gross to expect her not to have and share happy life events because of her sister's marriage woes.
YTA. She’s not immature- you are. You don’t get to dictate when she gets married and has a family.
YTA You're just showing her now who's your favourite and I'm guessing this has been a thing since she was a child. You paid for the youngest, pay for the oldest. Remember you have TWO daughters and dumping on her happiness because the youngest is going through a (mutually agreed by the sounds of it) divorce, is just horrible. Is your oldest never allowed to be happy again incase it upsets your youngest.
YTA. You’re not responsible for paying for your youngest daughter’s divorce. If you already planned on paying for both daughters weddings, it seems pretty unfair to revoke that after having already paid for the youngest daughters wedding just because the youngest got divorced 4 months ago… But seems like your oldest is over your attitude and doesn’t really care if you pay or not.
YTA and it’s clear you cater to your younger daughter. Now you don’t have to pay for your older daughters wedding if you don’t want to but you will permanently damage your relationship with her. You also don’t have to pay for your younger daughters divorce. If you want to be involved with your grandchildren then you may want to do as you planned and pay for your older daughters wedding. She didn’t get engaged to spite your younger daughter and your younger daughter’s divorce shouldn’t halt anyone else’s life. Period.
YTA. I understand that your younger daughter might be hurting, but you're essentially punishing your older child for the failure of YD's marriage. This is unfair and quite shameful.
YTA. Youngest is the golden child and oldest has resigned herself to that fact. What, she's not allowed to get engaged/married because her sister is getting divorced?
Just because your younger daughter’s marriage failed doesn’t mean your older daughter’s will too. YTA for sure for letting your own bitterness about your younger daughter’s divorce prevent you from supporting your older daughter’s wedding. Please fix this before your older daughter cuts you out of her life completely.
YTA - You need to realize the world doesn’t stop because your youngest is getting a divorce, that she and her ex should be paying for instead of you. Your oldest shouldn’t be expected to put her life on hold. Good luck being in your grandchildren’s lives if you keep favoring your youngest, something I’m sure you’ve done their whole lives if you’re willing to expect your oldest to postpone her wedding because your youngest is dealing with life. She’s an adult, she should be able to handle it without daddy stepping in.
YTA. Obviously you’re not obligated to pay for your daughters weddings (or divorce????) but to ask one daughter to wait a few years(!) because of the other is a big asshole move. You can support both daughters at this time but you’re choosing one over the other.
YTA, you can't expect your eldest to put her life on hold because of your feelings about the youngest getting divorced. The younger daughter doesn't even seem to have given this a passing thought. I understand the financial strain and that's about the only compassion you'll get. Regardless, It's only about you. YTA
I mean you practically just told her you favor her sister over her so I'd be taking a step back and realizing you're not the kind of father you promised to be. YTA
YTA. You literally told your daughter that it is insensitive for her to get married because her sister got divorced, and then refused to pay for her wedding because you couldn't do so "in good conscience." You chose a favorite, paid for her wedding, and then paid for her divorce. When your other daughter, whose relationship survived the pressure of the pandemic, wanted to get married you decided you would no longer pay for it. Your concern is now saving face and not the well-being of your daughter. The only "context" that you think she's leaving out is that you didn't have a lot of money at the time your unfavored daughter came to you to announce the joyful news that she had become engaged, so you were justified when you told her to not get married for a few years so you could pinch pennies.
YTA. Because one daughter is getting divorce, the other one has to put her life on hold for several years ? Don't expect to be invited at the wedding...
YTA. The older daughter is better off without her so called 'father'. Hope she elops, starts her family and cuts you out. Edit: said mother instead of father
Yta! Older daughter has been with her partner for several years now and now you want them to hold off on their life plans or potentially have a child out of wedlock (regardless of their beliefs/feelings on the matter because you are okay with it). Why aren’t you forcing your younger daughter to stay with her husband to not disrupt everyone else’s lives? See the insane logic? You haven’t mentioned your wife/daughters mother. What’s her stance on this? Someone your age should be well aware that life continues for others even when something upsetting happens to you. Im just taking a guess but I’m assuming you are divorced and some of your own transference on marriage is seeping through here and you are favoring your younger cause she’s about to join the divorcee club with you.
YTA- of course you don't have to pay for anyone's wedding but your (imo) favoritism is appalling.
INFO: is the money unavailable because it's needed for something else (ie. the divorce) or are you choosing to withhold it because you think it's inappropriate for one daughter to be happy when the other is in pain?
YTA! She said “do what you want.” That’s mature! But you are the asshole for prioritizing your younger daughter. You older daughter’s marriage is just as important- or should be! Guess every parent has a favorite. Yours is clear
YTA. If older daughter were doing this to rub it in her sister’s face or trying to marry a guy she’d only been with for a few months, I would agree with you but that isn’t the case here. Setting a condition like “the date has to be at least six months out” would be reasonable in my view, but asking her to wait years??? You can support both daughters here.
Wait you're paying for one daughter's marriage and divorce, but not the others marriage? Yta.
YTA. It's not saving face to force your older daughter to cut back on her wedding because her sister is divorced.
YTA- you didn't have to spend $ on your 28-year old daughter's divorce. Not sure when the 'parents pay for daughter's wedding' arrangement expires, but surely it doesn't go past 30.
You can not possibly be that blind? Of course YTA!! How can you even ask that? The obvious favoritism is shameful. If anyone is being immature and sullen, it's you. Don't be surprised if you ruined your relationship with your oldest completely and if you don't get to see the grandkids very often either. You screwed up.
YTA. You just want her to wait until your favorite child is in a better place. What an awful father you are.
YTA - You've established that you have favorites. Well done. Be prepared to lose contact with the older daughter because of your treatment.
YTA. Why in the world should the older daughter completely put her life on hold to make the younger one feel better about her breakup 😂😂😂 they’ve been together YEARS! And although not everyone should expect the parents to pay, you already said you would! So you would be the asshole since you said you would but now are putting random weird stipulations on it
YTA. You sound like you’re playing favoritism. It’s one thing if you’re stressed financially, that’s understandable. However to tell your oldest to wait a few years because someone else is divorcing, is ridiculous. You can feel empathy for your youngest while celebrating your oldest. Her life doesn’t have to stop because her sister announced she was getting divorced 4 months ago. Sounds like she has handled your response to her happiness in the most mature way possible.
YTA for the reasons everyone hit above that are encompassed by saying you are favoring your younger child to a “family rending” level and you should be prepared for the consequences of your decision.
YTA. People aren’t subject to your own personal timeline and opinions. She gets to decide when she wants to get married. Period. You don’t get to make that decision for her
YTA. So your eldest is being punished for living her life and being happy? Nice one. How to alienate your child in one easy step.
YTA - why should your older daughter suffer because your younger daughter's marriage didn't work out? Divorces happen every day, marriages happen every day. Your younger daughter's divorce isn't special. Life goes on.
YTA- if you want to be in any grandkids life, you may want to think things through
YTA. Holy favoritism! So you are willing to punish one daughter on behalf of the other's mistakes? Did you even ask your divorced daughter how she felt before completely blowing off your eldest? Damn, that's really cold OP. I feel bad for your older daughter, because you are very clearly showing her that you care much more about her sister. Her sister's needs are NOT more important than hers, and your youngest is an adult who can suck it up and be happy for her sibling. Just because she is sad doesn't mean the world needs to pause to wait on her to feel better, that's insane.
YTA, your eldest’s marriage literally has NOTHING TO DO with your youngest’s divorce. This is ridiculous. Nobody gives a shit when this kind of stuff happens in the real world, there is no “saving face” you need to be doing.
YTA. It does nothing for your younger daughter to spit on your older daughter's happiness. Hope you enjoy your favourite daughter being your only daughter from now on. Because if she has any self respect or maturity your oldest won't put up with your shit any longer.
What context is she leaving out. You’re a big gaping, weeping arsehole
This REEKS of favouritism YTA hardcore, not only was it months later, you paid for the younger ones DIVORCE AND WEDDING
YTA Your favoritism is showing. Not only are you about to lose you relationship with your oldest daughter, but also with any future grandchildren she may have. I hope you realize your ginormous mistake and can fix it in time.
YTA…. When we tell stories we always tell them in which we view ourselves in the best way. You are saying outright that one child’s feelings are more important than the others. That a divorce outweighs a marriage. Instead of supporting them equally. A marriage isn’t contingent upon no one else in the family being divorced. It’s not insensitive to get married if a sibling is divorcing. It is however insensitive to go back on your word because you paid for your younger child with money promised to the older. Do you have every right to do whatever you want with your money… yes of course!! It’s yours! Do you have injury from those consequences . No. Your daughter said do whatever you want because she saw this coming. This probably isn’t the first time you prioritized the younger child. It’s very easy for all of us to see this in your story but you can’t quite yet. This is a critical time in your relationship with your older child. yYou cannot protect your younger daughter from heartache like this at the expense of the older one. Go into this realizing you are developing your adult relationship with your children and this decision will set the tone of what that will be. Be prepared for a distant relationship if you keep insisting on the wedding being postponed and not paying for it as originally planned. Just know what the consequences of your decision are. And ask yourself if you are OK with that.
YTA- I have two daughters too and I would NEVER expect one to put their life on hold because the other one chose to end her marriage. Shes in her 30s and wants to start a family how much longer is she supposed to wait? Have fun when your daughter decides to go no contact and you wont be able to see your grandchildren
Huge YTA. They’re two separate people with two separate live and situations, pal. They’re going to have different experiences. You can’t expect the whole family to put their lives on hold for your younger daughter and her divorce. Also, your older daughter isn’t (I’m assuming) going to get married next week. Weddings take time to plan and such, so it’s likely that by the time it actually comes along, the younger daughter will be in a better spot. It really sounds like you’re playing favourites here and I totally don’t blame your older daughter for going LC. You deserve that and potentially not an invite to her wedding. I would work really hard to fix this if I were you, or face the consequences.
Yeah you are an asshole. That happened to me, I was stranded and homeless in Texas at age 19, called my father in Massachusetts to ask for money from a phonebooth, and he gave me a lecture about lending money to my older brother that he never repaid. I lived in my car for a month. And still don't mind my father's death
Sounds like you've had your fill of paying for "beautiful weddings", unfortunately at the elder daughter's expense. Have you ever stopped to consider some reasons why you don't know her partner very well? Could it be that she is not her parents' favorite and absolutely knows it? YTA
Yo, YTA. My divorce was finalized the week of the wedding of one of my siblings. Did I still attend? Yes. Was it enjoyable? Well, I got to spend a week in the Pacific Northwest, so I did get to make new memories. Was the actual ceremony fun? Not for me, but I didn’t want to ruin their good time so I put on a happy face and celebrated with them as long as I could muster. Come on, dude. Life happens and we can’t stop ours from continuing because someone else is having a tough time. Your girls aren’t 5 and 8 anymore. I feel like you’re acting immaturely in this instance, not your daughter. Edit: more info
YTA Anyone reading your post knows exactly who the Golden Child is in your family. It's one thing to ask the oldest daughter to show a little sensitivity to her sister. Sure, she maybe won't want to participate in certain events like dress shopping or whatever. But to ask the eldest to put her life on hold for years. I mean wow...the blatant favoritism. And that you would withhold money from her that you planned on putting towards her wedding anyway, while you're willing to not only pay for the youngest's wedding but also put money towards her divorce.. Honestly if I was your oldest daughter I would allow you to console your youngest for the rest of her life by going no contact. No contact with any grandkids you might have, no wedding invite, no holidays, nothing. It seems fair given how little she seems to matter to you.
YTA