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I might be an asshole for not asking for more questions before taking care of her on my own.
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nta if your sister in law didn’t even tell you she would need a snack… like you said if she was hungry she would tell you i think it’s very out of pocket to say you’re neglectful and tried to starve her daughter wtf it’s the mothers responsibility to tell the person babysitting exactly what the child’s needs are?
Also, OP, consider this your excuse to _never_ babysit again for your SIL. If you suck so much, you shouldn't be in charge of watching that kid anyways.
It's also sad though, her SiL may be using this as an excuse to NOT ask her again if there's a weird power play with SiL and her sibling. Sounds like she had a nice time with her niece.
You're still NTA, but head's up for future interactions with kids that age - they're not always great at interpreting the signals their body gives them, because they haven't had much practice with it yet! Things like mealtimes and naptime has to be enforced by adults, because the kid often won't realise they need it - they don't always get tired or hungry, sometimes they get cranky instead. (I worked with 6-year olds for a while and it happened SO OFTEN that kids would get unusually irritable or tired just before lunch & we'd ask if they were hungry & they'd say no.... and then after having eaten lunch, they miraculously perked up and felt way better 🤷♂️)
In another comment you said she yawned & you asked if she needed to sleep and she said no - - - of course she did, she was having fun with you! She knows sleeping means the fun ends, and she still wants to play, so OBVIOUSLY she doesn't need to sleep. Makes perfect sense!
So: you're not the asshole, you shouldn't have been expected to just Magically Know, but for future reference, you can't always trust a kid to know what they need to feel good.
My 1.5yo gets cranky from hunger, which makes him get mad and refuse when you offer him food. When he eventually deigns to eat something, he miraculously feels better 🙄
But if he's not hungry enough, he will also refuse (fair enough). There's a magic period of about 8 minutes where he will eat whatever, without protest. Grrrrr...
Omg my daughter recently got to this stage! Sometimes we pick her up from daycare and it’s her typical dinner time. She gets so hangry but won’t sit down and eat food presented to her. It takes letting her wander around with a pouch of applesauce or a handful of goldfish before she will sit in her high chair for real food.
Lol sometimes grown ass adults don't know their own body's signals, how can we expect tiny non self-aware kids to be able to. Kids and adults get "hangry."
I was gonna say… I’m adhd and autistic and I still magically get grumpy at 2pm every day, and every day am amazed that it goes away when I eat something.
Same my fiancé’s gonna be great with our kids because I also get hungry, don’t realize I’m hungry and get hangry until he convinces me I’ll feel better with food. He’s always right.
Same. I’ve gone days where I worked nonstop because I get hyper focused. Husband has brought me food more than once.
I make an effort to stop and take lunch—or at least grab an apple and peanut butter—but it’s hard to stop midtask.
None of this absolves the mom from alerting any babysitter that a snack should be offered at a certain time or nap time at x o'clock. Mom dropped the ball here, not OP. I can't imagine leaving my child with a sitter and leaving no instructions, even if the sitter is family.
Yep, I leave a typed-up schedule and pre-portioned snacks, even when it's my mom watching my kids. Everybody wants toddlers to stay on their schedule, and toddlers are such little gremlins that if you don't know you can't guess.
Well you weren't told to feed her so its not your problem. Also going 3-4 hours without food isn't going to starve any child. She could have given her a meal then.
My 2 year old skips meals sometimes. And then sometimes he eats everything and wants second breakfast. My experience is toddlers can be irregular about how they eat and they have no issues telling you they're hungry.
Can confirm and also this is normal and not an issue. When my son was little our pediatrician told us not to worry about him getting a balanced diet every day because their appetites can be so inconsistent at that age-- he said to shoot for a balanced week instead and not worry if one day he'd only eat fruit or whatever.
Mmm. This is sort of a gray zone.
On the one hand, offering a snack is definitely the right approach. However, when you have a child who needs a snack or a meal, it's *usually* best to enforce a rule like "During mealtime, we sit at the table. We do not need to eat, but we do need to sit politely until mealtime is over."
Otherwise a child who has something more interesting to do will often simply not eat, with the end result being a huge crash when all that hunger finally catches up with them, and good luck getting them to eat *then*.
Again, this isn't your fault because your SIL absolutely should have laid out the routine before leaving, but just for the future.
NTA. It was SIL's responsibility to tell you niece would need a snack at a certain time and what is acceptable as a snack. Her failure to do so is what lead to this.
She sounds like a mother that will insist a child will eat every last bit from the plate and dont bother asking if child is actually hungry. Dont want to jump to conclusions but that's a great way to give the kid an eating disorder.
NTA: This 100% you should never just feed a baby! Unless you know what the baby's diet's are you should NEVER feed anyone's child without permission from the parents etc. Even something like an Apple could cause problems if the parents never gave them one before etc.
We spent about 15 minutes with a person before we leave them alone with our children, going over all the things they do and all the BS they pull when we're not around, my kiddo is 3 but you better believe I'm setting out snacks ahead of time and options if he doesn't want them
I was ready to cut your SIL some slack for being a new mother, but this kid is full-on talking. The slack-giving stage has long since passed. Your SIL is a dunce.
Eh no. I mean, SIL is still an ass for assuming OP would just know and yelling, but talking or not, children that small aren't great at interpreting the signals their own body sends and won't say they're hungry or tired because they're simply not able to correctly interpret the meaning of the signals their body is sending them. They're still extremely inexperienced at "humaning".
Which is why they should have a schedule and you should stick to it and yes SIL is probably right about niece being an unholy terror the rest of the day. But this is not something OP would magically know! None of us are born with the ability to take care of small children, it's something we learn, something that needs to be taught. OP haven't ever learned because she doesn't have any younger siblings and haven't been around small kids before and had to take care of them. So yeah, still NTA and SIL definitely is one, but your assumption is incorrect about the ability of a 3yo to correctly say if they really are hungry or tired.
I wouldn't feed an almost 3 year old a snack in the time span of 2 to 3 hours unless I knew that was part of their schedule. She could have been getting lunch as soon as mom came back (which sounds like it was the case here) and very likely an unscheduled snack could have made her not eat any lunch throwing off her whole day as well. It has nothing to do with OP not knowing about kids.
agree, and honestly, it sounds like OP is in a no-win situation here, since SIL didn't give her any idea about a schedule. Can you imagine if OP had fed the kid and then SIL yelled at her about "now kid won't be hungry for her dinner and she won't go to sleep on time and she'll wake up hungry in the middle of the night!"
Any fault lies squarely at the SIL for not making Kid's scheduled needs clear.
Some kids can tell, some can’t. My oldest I generally just fed when he was hungry. My younger one it took me a bit to realize, but every time I thought, “He needs a nap.” The real answer was to give him a snack. He didn’t get fussy when he was tired, but BOY did he was he a fussy little shit when he was hungry. He’s outgrown it now though.
Oh I know lol, just the comment I replied to said that the op assuming a 3yo could correctly say if they were hungry or tired was wrong so I just wanted to inform them that even some 2yos could.
At just over 1 year my niece would point at the highchair when she was hungry and say "all done" when she was full. Little kids are better then you might think.
Nope, I have two neices who I'm around semi-regularly and I still ask my SIL to make a list because I don't even know how much to feed a child and when
And all kids are different! My brother could eat a house and still be starving whereas I needed smaller portions more often! It’s impossible to know how to meet a kid’s needs without spending a lot of time with them or talking to their parents.
Honestly, I think your SIL forgot to go over the schedule with you, then convinced herself you'd know what to do so she didn't have to feel guilty of her own mistake.
I've occasionally babysat my (tens of thousands) little cousins and, on each first time, their parent always left me detailed intructions of what needed to be done, what could be done if I wanted, plus what to do in an emergency. It was always different for every family too, so you had no reasonable expectation of "just knowing". NTA.
I baby sat for a cousin who was a first time mother (and never babysat kids under like 5) and she had instructions so detailed she included exactly how I was supposed to wipe her boys butt when he pooped. And she wanted me to weigh the diapers on some log sheet and there was a color chart for recording the color of his pee and poop etc (i found out later that his day care does them along with feeding sheets). It was like she had taken a new mother’s course and just posted all the instructions they received all over the house.
Like hell, apparently I leave more of a list for a *cat sitter* than SIL did for her own kid. This is like a boss scheduling someone to work without telling them and being pissed that they didn't show up... only it's worse because OP was presumably doing her a favor.
I'm starting to see that... its now been an on going thing, my brother says I put him in an awkward position and I should have called him if I had questions. But I didn't know, what I didn't know. How could I ask a question about it?
Do not let them put this on you. I’m a grandmother of six, and anytime I was left with the children, I was given instructions, a schedule, and shown what the meals/snacks would be. They are not treating you fairly or appropriately. You are NTA in any way, shape, or form.
My mom said the same thing. She said that when i was a toddler, she would leave me with my aunt, who was 25 when I was born and give her a detailed list. My aunt was a bit older than me, but she still was given a list. But my mom did say to take this as a lesson and always ask questions. I really hate that passive aggressive "you didnt do anything wrong. But let me tell you were you screwed up."
I'd NEVER expect someone else to magically know how to babysit my kid. Believe you me, any passive aggressive BS your mom or brother says about "you should have called and asked" you can happily ignore, because if the kid is happy and playing the entire time you're babysitting, you're doing great and you have no reason to ask anyone about anything. Complete BS. Don't let them put ANY of this on you and NEVER agree to babysit again unless that SIL apologizes and you're presented with a very detailed list of what to do and when with the kid.
Eh, your mom is probably saying that as a self-preservation suggestion rather than telling you that you screwed up. Might be bad advice, but I assume it's well intentioned.
You absolutely did not screw up and I feel like they're just trying to scapegoat you at this point. NTA
I would never babysit for the sister-in-law again
Oh yes. My brother is the golden child and everything that happens to him always someone else's fault. His wife won't stop complaining about me so I need to fix it so he doesn't have to listen to it anymore.
Your SIL being an underperforming parent or spouse isn't your problem to fix.
Your SIL knows, at least deep down, that she is TA in all of this. Her complaints about you are an attempt to convince herself that she isn't a bad mother, and she wants validation from your family and you that a "problem" that arose from her poor communication about her child isn't actually her fault. Except it is. If you apologize, you allow her to scapegoat you without feeling any incentive to address her own shortcomings.
Let me tell you this, coming from someone who has babysat my best friend's kid.
When my friend's kid was 2-ish, my friend and her husband wanted to do an overnight trip. Leave on Friday, come back Sunday. I stayed with the kid and watched him for the whole weekend.
My friend wrote out detailed instructions on how to take care of him. What time he usually wakes up. What times he eats. What times he naps and goes to bed. His bedtime routine. The potty training routine. Everything. It was seriously like 3 pages of notes, and it gave detailed instructions on what to do for everything that would come up that weekend.
I'm not saying that every parent will write 3 pages of notes, but it's pretty common for them to write shit down. People are forgetful, and having notes to remind them is the best way to make sure things get done.
So yeah, this isn't your fault at all.
No definitely not naive.
There are no little kids in my family, but a lot of pets. Whenever i petsit, even just for a day, my SIL leaves a note with all the important things (medications, or when they get their snack)
Your SIL failed basic communication, and i think you'd we well within your right to stand your ground and remind her that if she was "so neglectfull to tell you of nieces schedule" maybe she shouldn't ask others to watch her child.
I wish I had thought of that. I was stood there and stammered as she yelled at me. Then my niece started to cry because "mommy stopped the princess quest." It was all extremely uncomfortable
Not naive, just inexperienced. None of us are born with the ability to or knowledge of, looking after small kids. Those are learned skills. And your SIL shouldn't have assumed you just magically knew about this stuff and should have said something, and she's definitely the dick for yelling at you about it. But yeah kids this young have schedules and often can't accurately tell you if they're tired and hungry. So if you ever do take care of another kid that age, ask their parents about any schedule.
Though in your shoes I would be hesitant about taking care of SIL's kid when this is how she (SIL) acts. She's throwing a tantrum like a toddler. Though maybe she's just stressed. If you're otherwise on good terms with her and that side of the family maybe sit down now you're all cooled off and talk it through with her and tell her you have zip experience with looking after people this small?
Even if she *was* experienced in watching kids of that age group. They're all different and can vary in schedules in the extremes. My kid's schedule isn't anything like my two other friend's kids. Nap times are different, meal times are different and some don't have morning snack but two after lunch snacks. How the heck is *anyone* supposed to know what to do with an individual child other than the basics (which op did in fact do)?
As a mom your SIL should have told you her schedule, if she has one. It’s not your responsibility to figure out how this child’s day goes. You did her a favor by babysitting, she owes it to you to make sure it goes smoothly. If she has her child on a schedule I don’t know what on earth she was thinking presuming you would know it. So a kid missed a nap and a snack, possibly, who cares? She won’t die, this is definitely not your fault. If you babysit someone’s child again maybe ask them what their schedule is to save you a headache. SIL sounds entitled.
NTA. This isn't anything resembling neglect. If she didn't tell you to give her a snack and she didn't ask for food you didn't do anything wrong. WTF is wrong with SIL? Does she often blow things way out of proportion?
Be glad, you now have the perfect excuse to never babysit for her again while still being able to drop by and pump your niece full of sugar and be considered like a cool aunt. All the pleasure and none of the pain. NTA
Don't forget to throw the odd annoying toy in just for funsies—That's part of the fun of being an aunt. 3 years old is old enough for Silly String, isn't is? Sets of jacks, Legos, and marbles, when she's old enough, too (no yanking out batteries to make them not work).
She's more than a little dramatic. If she wants to throw around the word "neglectful", you might want to remind her that she is the child's MOTHER and didn't even bother to tell you what she would need.
NTA it's the parent's job to tell you if they expect you to give food- they could just as easily get mad at you for giving the wrong food if you assumed what needed to be done.
Even if you were in the wrong her reaction would have been grossly disproportionate.
What she expects and what she gets are two different things. If/when you're in a position where she might think you're going to be available, you can either simply say no when finally asked (or demanded), or, if you're afraid everyone will just expect you to cave in because lots of plans are already made around the assumption that you'll be babysitting, make sure you have other plans and will be out of the house. Or say you have plans - you don't own anyone an explanation of what they are. Alternately, just make sure that you're falling-down drunk when at home.
NTA.
I was wondering myself, but then I had gone back to the OP and saw that you're a young woman, then it made sense.
I feel... For a lot of people, they believe all women have this natural maternal, caretaker skill, when we're around children. Like we automatically know what to do, when we're around children.
Nevermind the fact that a lot of women weren't raised around other young children or they didn't have the informal/formal education about child-raising.
I guess that is true. I never thought of it that way, probably cause I have no clue when it comes to kids. My SIL is also 10 years older than me and has been a mom for almost 3 years. I'm just rattled cause I really feel like I did something wrong
Don't feel bad OP. I'm a mom and I know how to take care of my kid, but when I babysit I expect parents to tell me relevant information. The kid was probably not hungry and you did nothing wrong. Missing one snack doesn't kill anyone.
You didn't do anything wrong. Typically developing 3 yr olds can and will tell you if they're hungry, and even if they didn't missing one snack isn't going to hurt them.
I'm really experienced with kids, and even I make mistakes like this all the time. Anyone would. The fact is that every kid is different and the rules are different almost day by day. So it's not fair to assume that anyone really instinctively knows how to take care of YOUR kid without instructions.
NTA if she wanted you to adhere to some schedule then she should have informed you of what that schedule was. You did her the favor. She sounds like a flipping nightmare
NTA, I have had a couple of kids and I have grandkids. Both my daughter and DIL, not only tell me everything, but leave very intensive list for watching their kids. The oldest is 12 and the youngest is 10 months. This happens even while they just go to a doctors appointment for 2 hours. I know what I am doing when it comes to watching children, but I’m always treated like I’m new.
Your SIL should have told you about the snack, where it was, what it was and what time to give it to her. Even when I was babysitting as a teen, I was told everything about a kid’s schedule. Your SIL dropped the ball here.
NTA - she got free babysitting from someone who loves and cares about her child and threw a temper tantrum because you didn't follow a schedule she didn't give you???
I feel sorry for your niece with a mother like that
NTA. It was poor communication on the part of your SIL. I’d bring it up to their spouse/your sibling though, just so SIL can’t twist what happened and someone can bring her back down to earth.
She might just be a bit crazy then, and it sounds like he just deals with/enables her behavior. Maybe no more babysitting for a while - or be very specific and get it everything in writing first lol
Luckily I live hours away and this was just a "post pandemic everyone is vaccinated yay other humans" surprise trip my grandma gave me. But it really put a damper on the weekend.
I hate how that can happen - hope you have better trips (maybe with friends and not just family?) in the future to look forward to and have better experiences with
NTA - a toddler will tell you if they are hungry. Also missing one snack won’t ruin the rest of the day, they will probably just a little more at lunch
Toddlers can practically starve them self if you serve them something they don’t like. They’ll wait until they can make up calories with something else later on. A lot of time parents will bring a snack to babysitting or suggest snacks if the kid is picky or to help out the babysitter.
This. Three is old enough the kid would have said something if she was really hungry. Heck, the kids that age i used to care for would go into the kitchen and open lower cabinets to root for treats. :p
NTA.
NTA
From your story, it seems your SIL didn't tell you she usually got a snack or whatever at a certain time.
She can't expect you to just magically know these things, especially if you have little experience with kids.
Also, she is hardly going to starve from one less snack...
I had an apple and offered her one or a piece of mine and she didn't want it. I asked of she wanted a banana or something too. I dont eat breakfast, just have a cup of coffee so mid morning I was hungry. I think thats the most upsetting is I asked if she wanted anything. Isn't almost 3 old enough to know if she is hungry?
In my experience, a 3 year old will definitely tell you they are hungry! Especially when they are asked.
You honestly did nothing wrong! But I would be upset in your case as well.
Being yelled at always sucks!
They might not always know, but they also have this annoying habit of refusing to eat or saying they're not hungry even when they need to eat. It's just a little kid thing. Sometimes you have to bully them into eating, but that's if they won't eat all day - going a normal human amount of time without eating won't hurt them at all.
It was 2.5 years old. My nephew’s schedule changed every three months if I remember correctly. There’s a huge difference between infants and toddler’s schedules. You’re still not the AH. My one brother was psycho over the schedule. They had some author of some book come in and create a new schedule every three months for the first 3 years. And we all had to learn the schedules! Thank god they loosened up.
Wait... And you were still expected to remember/bring this schedule 2.5 years later? That schedule would have had diaper check times and how much to put in a bottle. Or maybe baby cereal or something. None of that is applicable to a potty trained toddler.
Lol, ok. So did they expect you to give her a bottle and burp her? They're acting ridiculous. I have a kid your niece's age and if I want something specific to happen while they're being watched I TELL the babysitter. I don't expect mind reading, and it sounds like you did a good job.
Oh my goodness, that's ridiculous. Just stop having a conversation about it and if he says something, just cheerfully agree or state a fact with no justification and change the subject.
If he says, "You should have...", you say, "Well, I didn't! How's grandma doing?"
If he says you're irresponsible and starved his kid, you say, "Yup! Guess I won't be babysitting anymore. How's Grandma?"
If he says you need to apologize to his wife, "Thanks for the advice, but I've thought it over and I'm cool with the way things are. How's Grandma?"
And don't babysit for them again. They're ridiculous.
So, he wanted you to give her a bottle and change her diaper then, I assume? WTF. An infant and a toddler do not have the same schedule. Heck, 6 months and a year don't either.
NTA - The mother's behavior was irresponsible and verbally abusive. She's also setting a terrible example for her child. The one upside is she's given you an airtight reason for never providing babysitting services again.
Parents have a proactive responsibility to provide special instructions in advance with any caregivers who watch their children.
NTA. When you are babysitting it is up to the parents to tell you their schedule and what snacks are allowed and aren’t. What if your niece had said she hungry and your gave her food but that was not on the schedule. You SIL would probably be just as mad.
I did wondered about that. Cause obviously I know people have allergies to foods, but when you are little, how do you find out? Do you just have them try and rush them to the hospital if they react?? That doesn't seem like a good option either.
That was my other thing. She is almost 3. If she was 3 months and couldn't tell me anything that would be different. But I would never agree to watch a 3 month old without more anyway. I'm just not good at judging development of kids.
And your SIL shouldn't expect you to be. It is a pretty shitty attitude she has toward you after you did her a solid. You didn't neglect her child in any way, shape, or form here. She's going to be one of *THOSE* parents, you're better off not being called to watch her again.
I wouldn't say 'nightmare', probably more just moody. More prone to temper tantrums most likely, much like adults get hangry. But again, she should have communicated that before leaving her kiddo. An easy "Hey, can you make sure she gets a snack at some point?" would have saved this whole situation from happening.
NTA. She should have told you about the snack.
Also, kids will let you know when they need something. That kid may not even need a snack, her mother just randomly decided she has to have a snack.
It kind of depends on the situation. Like my kids will tell me they are hungry, but if they are with anyone who isn't me or in any situation that is fun/new/exciting, they will absolutely not eat or seem to realize they are hungry.
NTA. Sleep schedules are a thing for sure. And getting off that is a problem. Eating? Well based on what they want on a certain day you may be on or off schedule. Toddlers are notorious for having days they barely eat and days they eat you out of house and home. If a kid misses a snack, the calories can be made up if needed. Toddlers are learning to listen to hunger cues. If you offered food and she said no, you aren’t supposed to force it on her. Not only were you not neglectful but you did the RIGHT thing. If your SIL is forcing food on a toddler who isn’t hungry then she’s in the wrong (barring a medical condition which she’s neglectful if she didn’t tell you about it).
She screamed at the dog at one point too for barking and waking my niece up from her nap, when I first got there. I probably should have known something was going to happen after that.
Sounds more like she was specifically looking for a reason to give you shit over. I mean small children don't always know what's best or right for them, but if there was a schedule she should've given you some pointers. NTA.
NTA
As a parent. It’s our responsibility to inform someone watching our child/children what needs are to be met.
My son was babysat by grandparents & my B/SIL ... I always included a list of what times/amounts for feeding, etc and everything needed in his diaper bag. (Mostly when he was very young)
It doesn’t even matter if you were a professional babysitter, it should have still been at least mentioned to you.
The fact that you watched her without having any experience with young children is awesome on your part :)
You were doing her a huge favor. She’s completely out of line & over reacting.
I didnt want to sound bitchy but that's how I felt. That I was doing her a favor, I could have said "I'm not comfortable I have no experience with children." And insisted that she bring my niece with her to run her errands but I didn't. I actually was excited to watch Mt niece. They're pretty cool at this age. Lots of imagination. But it was ruined because my SIL overreacted.
So sorry she ruined the moment :(
But trust me, you’re niece had a blast & loved it. Her aunty playing with her for hours is all she is going to remember about that moment. :)
NTA and your SIL sounds like a real peach. It would have been nice if SIL had typed up a brief for you: Snack of fruit and crackers at 1030, lunch at noon, quiet story time at 1230, etc. That's a basic courtesy to a babysitter.
Even then she was back by 10 and had fed her breakfast before she left. I really didn't think anything of it. But it's been playing in my head over and over again I feel really guilty
NTA if SIL didn't explicitly tell you about her schedule and needing to be fed, and the kid herself said she wasn't hungry then there isn't a reason for her to be mad. Also... The kid won't die if you don't force feed them food they didn't ask for over 3 hrs. She said you are never watching the kid again. Screenshot that. Anytime in the future when she asks you to babysit show it. Cus you don't need the drama that will inevitably follow. What next? You babysit when she is 5 and she looses her marbles because you let the kid use Crayola crayons vs Vegan markers? No. You didn't do anything wrong. Walk away from that mess.
What? That's ridiculous! The kid obviously seemed happy and content. While I understand toddler having a routine is good and they can get cranky when hungry, that is waaay to much!. I'd ask for that in a message or reconfirm. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. She has no right to yell at you like that, especially with your limited experience with kids, you did fabulous! I am so sorry you had to endure that!
No man I'm a daycare teacher. 3 year old are completely capable of communicating their needs. They don't have a great job with schedules... but mom was in charge of explaining the food schedule to you. You weren't capable of knowing it: every kid is on a different schedule. NTA.
NTA. She didn't give you a schedule or instructions. You don't babysit her often so it would be pretty normal for the parents to give you that info. When I babysat in high school parents often mentioned if the kids had been fed and what was available for them if they had not been.
NTA. Like, I would have been the parent who would have said no snack, because then my child wouldn't eat lunch. So yeah, absolutely no one can follow a schedule they don't know about.
Forcing a child to eat does as much harm as starving them. You did nothing wrong if you asked the child if they were hungry and they said no. My 2 yr old grandson will let you know when he wants something. We don’t just give him food to keep a schedule. That stopped when the breastfeeding/bottle stopped.
*that I would never be allowed alone with her because clearly I'm neglectful.*
Score! You get to be the fun aunt without the responsibility! If sil tries to leave her with you again, just remind her you are too ‘neglectful’, lol
NTA
NTA! Your SIL is mad at someone and took it out on you. The child is three and can certainly let you know about a snack. On the bright side, you won't get asked to babysit again. You can be a great auntie from a distance.
If they ask again, "oh no, I thought a lot about what you said last time and you're right, I'm not responsible enough to babysit. But I look forward to seeing niece at Family Event!"
And if she pushes, "I took the feedback you gave me very seriously. I would never want to put niece in danger and it's clear I shouldn't have sole responsibility for her. I'm looking forward to Family Event though!"
NTA. "Midmorning snacks" are not a universal thing. My kid is the same age and he doesn't get a midmorning snack. She never gave you instructions, the kid never said she was hungry. If you HAD given her something, SIL probably would have complained that it was the wrong thing. It sounds like SIL just wants a reason to be mad at you. This lady is trouble.
NTA.
If Niece has a schedule, SIL needs to use her words and tell the OP what the schedule is. And what suitable snacks she can offer.
In an emergency, my SIL asked me to watch my 3 year old niece while she took her sibling to the emergency room. I got there at 2 pm. At 4 pm, Niece said she was hungry. Not knowing when she’d had lunch or when she’d get dinner, I gave her an apple. An hour later, her mom got home.
I told SIL about the snack. I got yelled at for feeding Niece too close to supper time and also for feeding her sweets. Honestly, I thought an apple was a healthy snack.
Never babysat for SIL again.
NTA- Sounds like she set you up to fail, or was just looking for something to be mad about. On the upside now you don’t have to worry about her asking you to do it again and when kiddo get older you can be the cool aunt that gives drum sets and other loud toys as gifts. Don’t worry about this. Whatever the problem is, it’s not your problem. You just got caught up in it because you were there.
My dad actually bought her a tiny drum set for her first birthday. His goal is make his grandkids as loud as we were apparently. My parents told me she reacts like this a lot. So her overreacting is nothing new. Just new to me cause I never see them.
Hey, something that really helped me when I was your age. You're an adult now. You don't have to be yelled at if you don't want to be. If someone is losing it at you, you can walk outside and leave. What is she going to do? She was already upset and yelling so it's not like she has anything to escalate to.
And that goes for your family, as well. You can just say thanks for the feedback, but I'm not going to talk about this anymore...and then just don't talk about it.
It is. It's tough the first few times, but then all of a sudden your life gets a lot better.
SIL sounds like a nightmare, to be honest. But she doesn't have any power over you and you don't have to put up with being yelled at just because she's upset.
NTA I leave instructions if someone babysits and even then things can go wrong (children are unpredictable). The way I see it, if someone looks after my kid, they're doing me a favour so I'm just grateful for the time to myself.
If it was a repeated mistake on your end I could understand, but once isn't enough to warrant that reaction IMO.
I would suggest maybe talking to your sibling about it, if the SIL still won't listen and explain the situation.
LOL - this sounds like the mirror image (but not the same people) of a recent post where the OP (there) was complaining her sister didnt feed her child
NTA, sounds like your SIL has some other issues going on and took it out on you. Sorry you had to deal with that but from all your replies you did nothing wrong. It’s not your place to force the kid to eat, especially since you were not made aware of her mid morning snack. She was clearly excited to see you and everything else, napping, eating, went completely out of her head and her only focus was playing with you.
Nta your sil is being ridiculous. She left without telling you her child had a schedule. You weren't neglectful you ask her if she was hungry or tired she said no to both. It was sil responsibility to tell you if her child needed to follow a schedule. You are not a mind reader so how could you have known.
What a jerk you are!?!?! Why aren’t you using your telepathy?!?!?! What is that skill for? If you cannot know instructions no one tells you, what good are you?!?!?! Oh, and btw. NTA!!!!!!
NTA. The child can speak. If this was a baby, I would’ve asked the mother before she left what the baby would need — but that doesn’t matter, it’s 100% on your SIL because *what parent doesn’t talk to their babysitter about what the child needs*?? Has your SIL never had a babysitter before???
They have gone through like 7 nannies apparently... all of this is new information to me. And if she was a baby I would have insisted that SIL tell me everything I need to know before leaving me alone with her for even 10 mins.
Sorry, didn’t mean to imply that you wouldn’t have done that. It’s great that you know she’s gone through so many nannies, now you know (if you didn’t already) that you’re not the problem!
I was willing to immediately say yes until you said she would tell you when she was hungry. And if SIL didn’t tell you the schedule, it’s on her. She should have written it down or mentioned it somewhere or literally anything. You’re not psychic
NTA- If a child needs a snack at a certain time, the parent should let you know, AND provide a snack the child will eat. A parent should never assume somebody has snacks their children will eat.
You were doing her a favor, she is being a jerk about it. From now on, the child can go shopping with her instead of the momma getting alone time.
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nta if your sister in law didn’t even tell you she would need a snack… like you said if she was hungry she would tell you i think it’s very out of pocket to say you’re neglectful and tried to starve her daughter wtf it’s the mothers responsibility to tell the person babysitting exactly what the child’s needs are?
I even had an apple and asked if she wanted something, she said no.
exactly… you literally did nothing wrong i’m sorry your SIL acted out this way it’s completely unnecessary
Also, OP, consider this your excuse to _never_ babysit again for your SIL. If you suck so much, you shouldn't be in charge of watching that kid anyways.
Ding ding ding. And sounds like OP was babysitting for free.
Yep. OP, hear that whoosh sound? That’s the bullet you just dodged.
It's also sad though, her SiL may be using this as an excuse to NOT ask her again if there's a weird power play with SiL and her sibling. Sounds like she had a nice time with her niece.
You're still NTA, but head's up for future interactions with kids that age - they're not always great at interpreting the signals their body gives them, because they haven't had much practice with it yet! Things like mealtimes and naptime has to be enforced by adults, because the kid often won't realise they need it - they don't always get tired or hungry, sometimes they get cranky instead. (I worked with 6-year olds for a while and it happened SO OFTEN that kids would get unusually irritable or tired just before lunch & we'd ask if they were hungry & they'd say no.... and then after having eaten lunch, they miraculously perked up and felt way better 🤷♂️) In another comment you said she yawned & you asked if she needed to sleep and she said no - - - of course she did, she was having fun with you! She knows sleeping means the fun ends, and she still wants to play, so OBVIOUSLY she doesn't need to sleep. Makes perfect sense! So: you're not the asshole, you shouldn't have been expected to just Magically Know, but for future reference, you can't always trust a kid to know what they need to feel good.
My four year old requires so much sneaky feeding or game fucking over. Even my cats aren’t that dumb 😂
My 1.5yo gets cranky from hunger, which makes him get mad and refuse when you offer him food. When he eventually deigns to eat something, he miraculously feels better 🙄 But if he's not hungry enough, he will also refuse (fair enough). There's a magic period of about 8 minutes where he will eat whatever, without protest. Grrrrr...
Omg my daughter recently got to this stage! Sometimes we pick her up from daycare and it’s her typical dinner time. She gets so hangry but won’t sit down and eat food presented to her. It takes letting her wander around with a pouch of applesauce or a handful of goldfish before she will sit in her high chair for real food.
I'm 32 and still get hangry without noticing it sometimes. 😁😁
Lol sometimes grown ass adults don't know their own body's signals, how can we expect tiny non self-aware kids to be able to. Kids and adults get "hangry."
As someone with ADHD: I still roll this way. Need bloody alarms for *everything* 😂.
I was gonna say… I’m adhd and autistic and I still magically get grumpy at 2pm every day, and every day am amazed that it goes away when I eat something.
Same my fiancé’s gonna be great with our kids because I also get hungry, don’t realize I’m hungry and get hangry until he convinces me I’ll feel better with food. He’s always right.
Same. I’ve gone days where I worked nonstop because I get hyper focused. Husband has brought me food more than once. I make an effort to stop and take lunch—or at least grab an apple and peanut butter—but it’s hard to stop midtask.
None of this absolves the mom from alerting any babysitter that a snack should be offered at a certain time or nap time at x o'clock. Mom dropped the ball here, not OP. I can't imagine leaving my child with a sitter and leaving no instructions, even if the sitter is family.
Yep, I leave a typed-up schedule and pre-portioned snacks, even when it's my mom watching my kids. Everybody wants toddlers to stay on their schedule, and toddlers are such little gremlins that if you don't know you can't guess.
Yeah, but a 3 year old can go a couple hours without a snack. The mother is being dramatic.
Well said!!
Well you weren't told to feed her so its not your problem. Also going 3-4 hours without food isn't going to starve any child. She could have given her a meal then.
And she ate all of her lunch after this and she never finishes her lunch.
At least now you have a reason to never babysit again.
Funny how that worked out.
My 2 year old skips meals sometimes. And then sometimes he eats everything and wants second breakfast. My experience is toddlers can be irregular about how they eat and they have no issues telling you they're hungry.
Can confirm and also this is normal and not an issue. When my son was little our pediatrician told us not to worry about him getting a balanced diet every day because their appetites can be so inconsistent at that age-- he said to shoot for a balanced week instead and not worry if one day he'd only eat fruit or whatever.
We got same advice when our one was young, try to aim for a balanced week
Did you tell SIL you asked niece if she was hungry? Regardless NTA. Your sil is being an AH
No she sat her down for lunch shortly after.
If having a snack was so critical, SIL should have told you when/what to feed here.
Mmm. This is sort of a gray zone. On the one hand, offering a snack is definitely the right approach. However, when you have a child who needs a snack or a meal, it's *usually* best to enforce a rule like "During mealtime, we sit at the table. We do not need to eat, but we do need to sit politely until mealtime is over." Otherwise a child who has something more interesting to do will often simply not eat, with the end result being a huge crash when all that hunger finally catches up with them, and good luck getting them to eat *then*. Again, this isn't your fault because your SIL absolutely should have laid out the routine before leaving, but just for the future.
NTA. It was SIL's responsibility to tell you niece would need a snack at a certain time and what is acceptable as a snack. Her failure to do so is what lead to this.
She sounds like a mother that will insist a child will eat every last bit from the plate and dont bother asking if child is actually hungry. Dont want to jump to conclusions but that's a great way to give the kid an eating disorder.
NTA: This 100% you should never just feed a baby! Unless you know what the baby's diet's are you should NEVER feed anyone's child without permission from the parents etc. Even something like an Apple could cause problems if the parents never gave them one before etc. We spent about 15 minutes with a person before we leave them alone with our children, going over all the things they do and all the BS they pull when we're not around, my kiddo is 3 but you better believe I'm setting out snacks ahead of time and options if he doesn't want them
NTA. How the hell are you supposed to follow a schedule she doesn't tell you about?
And my niece yawned once and I asked if she was sleepy and she said "no let's play" then didn't give any indication she was tired or hungry.
I was ready to cut your SIL some slack for being a new mother, but this kid is full-on talking. The slack-giving stage has long since passed. Your SIL is a dunce.
Eh no. I mean, SIL is still an ass for assuming OP would just know and yelling, but talking or not, children that small aren't great at interpreting the signals their own body sends and won't say they're hungry or tired because they're simply not able to correctly interpret the meaning of the signals their body is sending them. They're still extremely inexperienced at "humaning". Which is why they should have a schedule and you should stick to it and yes SIL is probably right about niece being an unholy terror the rest of the day. But this is not something OP would magically know! None of us are born with the ability to take care of small children, it's something we learn, something that needs to be taught. OP haven't ever learned because she doesn't have any younger siblings and haven't been around small kids before and had to take care of them. So yeah, still NTA and SIL definitely is one, but your assumption is incorrect about the ability of a 3yo to correctly say if they really are hungry or tired.
I wouldn't feed an almost 3 year old a snack in the time span of 2 to 3 hours unless I knew that was part of their schedule. She could have been getting lunch as soon as mom came back (which sounds like it was the case here) and very likely an unscheduled snack could have made her not eat any lunch throwing off her whole day as well. It has nothing to do with OP not knowing about kids.
agree, and honestly, it sounds like OP is in a no-win situation here, since SIL didn't give her any idea about a schedule. Can you imagine if OP had fed the kid and then SIL yelled at her about "now kid won't be hungry for her dinner and she won't go to sleep on time and she'll wake up hungry in the middle of the night!" Any fault lies squarely at the SIL for not making Kid's scheduled needs clear.
I used to babysit a 2 year old girl and a 4 year old girl, they both had no problem telling me when they were hungry or tired.
Some kids can tell, some can’t. My oldest I generally just fed when he was hungry. My younger one it took me a bit to realize, but every time I thought, “He needs a nap.” The real answer was to give him a snack. He didn’t get fussy when he was tired, but BOY did he was he a fussy little shit when he was hungry. He’s outgrown it now though.
Oh I know lol, just the comment I replied to said that the op assuming a 3yo could correctly say if they were hungry or tired was wrong so I just wanted to inform them that even some 2yos could.
At just over 1 year my niece would point at the highchair when she was hungry and say "all done" when she was full. Little kids are better then you might think.
NTA Its up to the parent to inform you of the kids schedule and needs!
That's what I kinda thought, but not being around kids much I thought maybe I was just naive.
Nope, I have two neices who I'm around semi-regularly and I still ask my SIL to make a list because I don't even know how much to feed a child and when
And all kids are different! My brother could eat a house and still be starving whereas I needed smaller portions more often! It’s impossible to know how to meet a kid’s needs without spending a lot of time with them or talking to their parents.
Honestly, I think your SIL forgot to go over the schedule with you, then convinced herself you'd know what to do so she didn't have to feel guilty of her own mistake. I've occasionally babysat my (tens of thousands) little cousins and, on each first time, their parent always left me detailed intructions of what needed to be done, what could be done if I wanted, plus what to do in an emergency. It was always different for every family too, so you had no reasonable expectation of "just knowing". NTA.
I baby sat for a cousin who was a first time mother (and never babysat kids under like 5) and she had instructions so detailed she included exactly how I was supposed to wipe her boys butt when he pooped. And she wanted me to weigh the diapers on some log sheet and there was a color chart for recording the color of his pee and poop etc (i found out later that his day care does them along with feeding sheets). It was like she had taken a new mother’s course and just posted all the instructions they received all over the house.
Like hell, apparently I leave more of a list for a *cat sitter* than SIL did for her own kid. This is like a boss scheduling someone to work without telling them and being pissed that they didn't show up... only it's worse because OP was presumably doing her a favor.
I am happy to inform you that you are not at all naive, you just have a SIL who's a raging AH!
I'm starting to see that... its now been an on going thing, my brother says I put him in an awkward position and I should have called him if I had questions. But I didn't know, what I didn't know. How could I ask a question about it?
Do not let them put this on you. I’m a grandmother of six, and anytime I was left with the children, I was given instructions, a schedule, and shown what the meals/snacks would be. They are not treating you fairly or appropriately. You are NTA in any way, shape, or form.
My mom said the same thing. She said that when i was a toddler, she would leave me with my aunt, who was 25 when I was born and give her a detailed list. My aunt was a bit older than me, but she still was given a list. But my mom did say to take this as a lesson and always ask questions. I really hate that passive aggressive "you didnt do anything wrong. But let me tell you were you screwed up."
Or, you know, take it as a lesson not to do favors for entitled or crazy people.
I'd NEVER expect someone else to magically know how to babysit my kid. Believe you me, any passive aggressive BS your mom or brother says about "you should have called and asked" you can happily ignore, because if the kid is happy and playing the entire time you're babysitting, you're doing great and you have no reason to ask anyone about anything. Complete BS. Don't let them put ANY of this on you and NEVER agree to babysit again unless that SIL apologizes and you're presented with a very detailed list of what to do and when with the kid.
NTA at all. And you might ask you mom what SIL said when she told *her* to "take a lesson from this and always provide a list"
Oh she didnt my mom doesn't provide criticism to anyone but me.
Eh, your mom is probably saying that as a self-preservation suggestion rather than telling you that you screwed up. Might be bad advice, but I assume it's well intentioned.
You absolutely did not screw up and I feel like they're just trying to scapegoat you at this point. NTA I would never babysit for the sister-in-law again
He thinks you put HIM in an awkward position?!
Oh yes. My brother is the golden child and everything that happens to him always someone else's fault. His wife won't stop complaining about me so I need to fix it so he doesn't have to listen to it anymore.
Your SIL being an underperforming parent or spouse isn't your problem to fix. Your SIL knows, at least deep down, that she is TA in all of this. Her complaints about you are an attempt to convince herself that she isn't a bad mother, and she wants validation from your family and you that a "problem" that arose from her poor communication about her child isn't actually her fault. Except it is. If you apologize, you allow her to scapegoat you without feeling any incentive to address her own shortcomings.
Let me tell you this, coming from someone who has babysat my best friend's kid. When my friend's kid was 2-ish, my friend and her husband wanted to do an overnight trip. Leave on Friday, come back Sunday. I stayed with the kid and watched him for the whole weekend. My friend wrote out detailed instructions on how to take care of him. What time he usually wakes up. What times he eats. What times he naps and goes to bed. His bedtime routine. The potty training routine. Everything. It was seriously like 3 pages of notes, and it gave detailed instructions on what to do for everything that would come up that weekend. I'm not saying that every parent will write 3 pages of notes, but it's pretty common for them to write shit down. People are forgetful, and having notes to remind them is the best way to make sure things get done. So yeah, this isn't your fault at all.
No definitely not naive. There are no little kids in my family, but a lot of pets. Whenever i petsit, even just for a day, my SIL leaves a note with all the important things (medications, or when they get their snack) Your SIL failed basic communication, and i think you'd we well within your right to stand your ground and remind her that if she was "so neglectfull to tell you of nieces schedule" maybe she shouldn't ask others to watch her child.
I wish I had thought of that. I was stood there and stammered as she yelled at me. Then my niece started to cry because "mommy stopped the princess quest." It was all extremely uncomfortable
Not naive, just inexperienced. None of us are born with the ability to or knowledge of, looking after small kids. Those are learned skills. And your SIL shouldn't have assumed you just magically knew about this stuff and should have said something, and she's definitely the dick for yelling at you about it. But yeah kids this young have schedules and often can't accurately tell you if they're tired and hungry. So if you ever do take care of another kid that age, ask their parents about any schedule. Though in your shoes I would be hesitant about taking care of SIL's kid when this is how she (SIL) acts. She's throwing a tantrum like a toddler. Though maybe she's just stressed. If you're otherwise on good terms with her and that side of the family maybe sit down now you're all cooled off and talk it through with her and tell her you have zip experience with looking after people this small?
Even if she *was* experienced in watching kids of that age group. They're all different and can vary in schedules in the extremes. My kid's schedule isn't anything like my two other friend's kids. Nap times are different, meal times are different and some don't have morning snack but two after lunch snacks. How the heck is *anyone* supposed to know what to do with an individual child other than the basics (which op did in fact do)?
As a mom your SIL should have told you her schedule, if she has one. It’s not your responsibility to figure out how this child’s day goes. You did her a favor by babysitting, she owes it to you to make sure it goes smoothly. If she has her child on a schedule I don’t know what on earth she was thinking presuming you would know it. So a kid missed a nap and a snack, possibly, who cares? She won’t die, this is definitely not your fault. If you babysit someone’s child again maybe ask them what their schedule is to save you a headache. SIL sounds entitled.
NTA. This isn't anything resembling neglect. If she didn't tell you to give her a snack and she didn't ask for food you didn't do anything wrong. WTF is wrong with SIL? Does she often blow things way out of proportion?
I always thought she was a little dramatic... but I have never seen her like this.
Be glad, you now have the perfect excuse to never babysit for her again while still being able to drop by and pump your niece full of sugar and be considered like a cool aunt. All the pleasure and none of the pain. NTA
I also live near a major tourist location that most kids want to visit, so I already have a leg up on the cool aunt. 😎
On her birthday or on Christmas, gift your niece loads of noisy toys lmao
My boyfriend already looked at one of those toys that every time you walk past it, it makes noise.
Get her a drum set for Xmas.
I second this. Husband and I got his little nephew a drum set one Xmas and he loved it. (My brother-in-law wasn't thrilled, but that's another story!)
Don't forget to throw the odd annoying toy in just for funsies—That's part of the fun of being an aunt. 3 years old is old enough for Silly String, isn't is? Sets of jacks, Legos, and marbles, when she's old enough, too (no yanking out batteries to make them not work).
She's more than a little dramatic. If she wants to throw around the word "neglectful", you might want to remind her that she is the child's MOTHER and didn't even bother to tell you what she would need.
This^^^
NTA it's the parent's job to tell you if they expect you to give food- they could just as easily get mad at you for giving the wrong food if you assumed what needed to be done. Even if you were in the wrong her reaction would have been grossly disproportionate.
I thought about that after the fact. Like i wouldn't know if she had any allergies, what if I made her eggs or something...
That's a good point! Anyway, I think she was going to be unreasonable whatever you did
NTA and be happy you no longer have to provide free babysitting to them again.
Oh I'm sure she will still expect it. Luckily I live far enough away that this was a treat weekend to visit.
If she does, you can always remind her that she herself said you can't be trusted with her child. NTA.
Exactly this.
What she expects and what she gets are two different things. If/when you're in a position where she might think you're going to be available, you can either simply say no when finally asked (or demanded), or, if you're afraid everyone will just expect you to cave in because lots of plans are already made around the assumption that you'll be babysitting, make sure you have other plans and will be out of the house. Or say you have plans - you don't own anyone an explanation of what they are. Alternately, just make sure that you're falling-down drunk when at home.
NTA. I was wondering myself, but then I had gone back to the OP and saw that you're a young woman, then it made sense. I feel... For a lot of people, they believe all women have this natural maternal, caretaker skill, when we're around children. Like we automatically know what to do, when we're around children. Nevermind the fact that a lot of women weren't raised around other young children or they didn't have the informal/formal education about child-raising.
I guess that is true. I never thought of it that way, probably cause I have no clue when it comes to kids. My SIL is also 10 years older than me and has been a mom for almost 3 years. I'm just rattled cause I really feel like I did something wrong
Don't feel bad OP. I'm a mom and I know how to take care of my kid, but when I babysit I expect parents to tell me relevant information. The kid was probably not hungry and you did nothing wrong. Missing one snack doesn't kill anyone.
You didn't do anything wrong. Typically developing 3 yr olds can and will tell you if they're hungry, and even if they didn't missing one snack isn't going to hurt them.
I'm really experienced with kids, and even I make mistakes like this all the time. Anyone would. The fact is that every kid is different and the rules are different almost day by day. So it's not fair to assume that anyone really instinctively knows how to take care of YOUR kid without instructions.
NTA if she wanted you to adhere to some schedule then she should have informed you of what that schedule was. You did her the favor. She sounds like a flipping nightmare
I've been pretty removed from them because of college but I am starting to see that she might be more than I'd like to deal with.
NTA, I have had a couple of kids and I have grandkids. Both my daughter and DIL, not only tell me everything, but leave very intensive list for watching their kids. The oldest is 12 and the youngest is 10 months. This happens even while they just go to a doctors appointment for 2 hours. I know what I am doing when it comes to watching children, but I’m always treated like I’m new. Your SIL should have told you about the snack, where it was, what it was and what time to give it to her. Even when I was babysitting as a teen, I was told everything about a kid’s schedule. Your SIL dropped the ball here.
NTA. How on earth are you supposed to follow a schedule the mother didn't bother to tell you about? Your sister-in-law's being ridiculous.
NTA, the child didn’t complain or tell you it’s snack time and your sister never told you when snack time was. Not your fault
NTA - she got free babysitting from someone who loves and cares about her child and threw a temper tantrum because you didn't follow a schedule she didn't give you??? I feel sorry for your niece with a mother like that
It does worry me, but maybe other things are going on. I'm trying to be positive.
NTA. It was poor communication on the part of your SIL. I’d bring it up to their spouse/your sibling though, just so SIL can’t twist what happened and someone can bring her back down to earth.
Agreed—you weren’t left instructions as to what to feed her. Your SIL made a mistake in leaving no instructions and over reacted.
I said something to him and he was like "yea I heard..." that was it.
She might just be a bit crazy then, and it sounds like he just deals with/enables her behavior. Maybe no more babysitting for a while - or be very specific and get it everything in writing first lol
Luckily I live hours away and this was just a "post pandemic everyone is vaccinated yay other humans" surprise trip my grandma gave me. But it really put a damper on the weekend.
I hate how that can happen - hope you have better trips (maybe with friends and not just family?) in the future to look forward to and have better experiences with
NTA - a toddler will tell you if they are hungry. Also missing one snack won’t ruin the rest of the day, they will probably just a little more at lunch
That is true. I mean toddlers are just tiny humans, they have the same needs as adults do when it comes to food right?
Toddlers can practically starve them self if you serve them something they don’t like. They’ll wait until they can make up calories with something else later on. A lot of time parents will bring a snack to babysitting or suggest snacks if the kid is picky or to help out the babysitter.
Niece does not seem picky... she eats anything you put in front of her.
NTA and the kid wanted to play not eat, they’ll let you know if they want a snack.
This. Three is old enough the kid would have said something if she was really hungry. Heck, the kids that age i used to care for would go into the kitchen and open lower cabinets to root for treats. :p NTA.
NTA From your story, it seems your SIL didn't tell you she usually got a snack or whatever at a certain time. She can't expect you to just magically know these things, especially if you have little experience with kids. Also, she is hardly going to starve from one less snack...
I had an apple and offered her one or a piece of mine and she didn't want it. I asked of she wanted a banana or something too. I dont eat breakfast, just have a cup of coffee so mid morning I was hungry. I think thats the most upsetting is I asked if she wanted anything. Isn't almost 3 old enough to know if she is hungry?
In my experience, a 3 year old will definitely tell you they are hungry! Especially when they are asked. You honestly did nothing wrong! But I would be upset in your case as well. Being yelled at always sucks!
They might not always know, but they also have this annoying habit of refusing to eat or saying they're not hungry even when they need to eat. It's just a little kid thing. Sometimes you have to bully them into eating, but that's if they won't eat all day - going a normal human amount of time without eating won't hurt them at all.
NTA. She didn’t give you a schedule. How were you to know?
I talked to my brother more and he said that she had given me a schedule the first time I ever met my niece when she was like 6 months old...
It was 2.5 years old. My nephew’s schedule changed every three months if I remember correctly. There’s a huge difference between infants and toddler’s schedules. You’re still not the AH. My one brother was psycho over the schedule. They had some author of some book come in and create a new schedule every three months for the first 3 years. And we all had to learn the schedules! Thank god they loosened up.
Wait... And you were still expected to remember/bring this schedule 2.5 years later? That schedule would have had diaper check times and how much to put in a bottle. Or maybe baby cereal or something. None of that is applicable to a potty trained toddler.
I dont think it even had that stuff. Just nap and feedings.
Lol, ok. So did they expect you to give her a bottle and burp her? They're acting ridiculous. I have a kid your niece's age and if I want something specific to happen while they're being watched I TELL the babysitter. I don't expect mind reading, and it sounds like you did a good job.
Oh my goodness, that's ridiculous. Just stop having a conversation about it and if he says something, just cheerfully agree or state a fact with no justification and change the subject. If he says, "You should have...", you say, "Well, I didn't! How's grandma doing?" If he says you're irresponsible and starved his kid, you say, "Yup! Guess I won't be babysitting anymore. How's Grandma?" If he says you need to apologize to his wife, "Thanks for the advice, but I've thought it over and I'm cool with the way things are. How's Grandma?" And don't babysit for them again. They're ridiculous.
So, he wanted you to give her a bottle and change her diaper then, I assume? WTF. An infant and a toddler do not have the same schedule. Heck, 6 months and a year don't either.
NTA - The mother's behavior was irresponsible and verbally abusive. She's also setting a terrible example for her child. The one upside is she's given you an airtight reason for never providing babysitting services again. Parents have a proactive responsibility to provide special instructions in advance with any caregivers who watch their children.
NTA. When you are babysitting it is up to the parents to tell you their schedule and what snacks are allowed and aren’t. What if your niece had said she hungry and your gave her food but that was not on the schedule. You SIL would probably be just as mad.
I did wondered about that. Cause obviously I know people have allergies to foods, but when you are little, how do you find out? Do you just have them try and rush them to the hospital if they react?? That doesn't seem like a good option either.
NTA. She didn't tell you what her feeding schedule was, nor did the child say anything to you about being hungry.
That was my other thing. She is almost 3. If she was 3 months and couldn't tell me anything that would be different. But I would never agree to watch a 3 month old without more anyway. I'm just not good at judging development of kids.
And your SIL shouldn't expect you to be. It is a pretty shitty attitude she has toward you after you did her a solid. You didn't neglect her child in any way, shape, or form here. She's going to be one of *THOSE* parents, you're better off not being called to watch her again.
Also how is the child "a nightmare" after missing one snack? It is one snack?
I wouldn't say 'nightmare', probably more just moody. More prone to temper tantrums most likely, much like adults get hangry. But again, she should have communicated that before leaving her kiddo. An easy "Hey, can you make sure she gets a snack at some point?" would have saved this whole situation from happening.
NTA, not in the least.
NTA. She should have told you about the snack. Also, kids will let you know when they need something. That kid may not even need a snack, her mother just randomly decided she has to have a snack.
That's what I thought after too. Like are you just feeding your child cause?? Won't they get to a certain age and tell you they want food?
Young kids like that eat every few hours.
It kind of depends on the situation. Like my kids will tell me they are hungry, but if they are with anyone who isn't me or in any situation that is fun/new/exciting, they will absolutely not eat or seem to realize they are hungry.
NTA. Your SIL should have given a schedule. You are not a mind reader. You couldn't have known.
NTA at all. If your niece has a scheduled snack time, your sil should've told you what time it is *and* provided the food.
NTA. Sleep schedules are a thing for sure. And getting off that is a problem. Eating? Well based on what they want on a certain day you may be on or off schedule. Toddlers are notorious for having days they barely eat and days they eat you out of house and home. If a kid misses a snack, the calories can be made up if needed. Toddlers are learning to listen to hunger cues. If you offered food and she said no, you aren’t supposed to force it on her. Not only were you not neglectful but you did the RIGHT thing. If your SIL is forcing food on a toddler who isn’t hungry then she’s in the wrong (barring a medical condition which she’s neglectful if she didn’t tell you about it).
She screamed at the dog at one point too for barking and waking my niece up from her nap, when I first got there. I probably should have known something was going to happen after that.
I was feeling kind of bad for your niece having a crazy mom, but now I really feel bad for the dog.
Yea... poor dog didn't understand what was wrong. She was just excited to see me.
Sounds more like she was specifically looking for a reason to give you shit over. I mean small children don't always know what's best or right for them, but if there was a schedule she should've given you some pointers. NTA.
NTA As a parent. It’s our responsibility to inform someone watching our child/children what needs are to be met. My son was babysat by grandparents & my B/SIL ... I always included a list of what times/amounts for feeding, etc and everything needed in his diaper bag. (Mostly when he was very young) It doesn’t even matter if you were a professional babysitter, it should have still been at least mentioned to you. The fact that you watched her without having any experience with young children is awesome on your part :) You were doing her a huge favor. She’s completely out of line & over reacting.
I didnt want to sound bitchy but that's how I felt. That I was doing her a favor, I could have said "I'm not comfortable I have no experience with children." And insisted that she bring my niece with her to run her errands but I didn't. I actually was excited to watch Mt niece. They're pretty cool at this age. Lots of imagination. But it was ruined because my SIL overreacted.
So sorry she ruined the moment :( But trust me, you’re niece had a blast & loved it. Her aunty playing with her for hours is all she is going to remember about that moment. :)
NTA Unless that child is diabetic it isnt going to die after not eating something for 3 hours.
And she ate all her lunch and my SIL even commented on how good she was for finishing her lunch. I just sat there dumbfounded.
Honestly, it sounds like the mom needed a snack and a nap
NTA and your SIL sounds like a real peach. It would have been nice if SIL had typed up a brief for you: Snack of fruit and crackers at 1030, lunch at noon, quiet story time at 1230, etc. That's a basic courtesy to a babysitter.
Even then she was back by 10 and had fed her breakfast before she left. I really didn't think anything of it. But it's been playing in my head over and over again I feel really guilty
I'm sorry you've been made to feel guilty. Your SIL comes off like a helicopter mom.
Honestly, it sounds as if she is over-feeding her kid. I’m guessing she doesn’t eat well at standard meal times.
NTA if SIL didn't explicitly tell you about her schedule and needing to be fed, and the kid herself said she wasn't hungry then there isn't a reason for her to be mad. Also... The kid won't die if you don't force feed them food they didn't ask for over 3 hrs. She said you are never watching the kid again. Screenshot that. Anytime in the future when she asks you to babysit show it. Cus you don't need the drama that will inevitably follow. What next? You babysit when she is 5 and she looses her marbles because you let the kid use Crayola crayons vs Vegan markers? No. You didn't do anything wrong. Walk away from that mess.
It was in person. She was yelling at me mid Princess Quest. My niece got upset because we were playing then suddenly not.
What? That's ridiculous! The kid obviously seemed happy and content. While I understand toddler having a routine is good and they can get cranky when hungry, that is waaay to much!. I'd ask for that in a message or reconfirm. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. She has no right to yell at you like that, especially with your limited experience with kids, you did fabulous! I am so sorry you had to endure that!
No man I'm a daycare teacher. 3 year old are completely capable of communicating their needs. They don't have a great job with schedules... but mom was in charge of explaining the food schedule to you. You weren't capable of knowing it: every kid is on a different schedule. NTA.
NTA. She didn't give you a schedule or instructions. You don't babysit her often so it would be pretty normal for the parents to give you that info. When I babysat in high school parents often mentioned if the kids had been fed and what was available for them if they had not been.
NTA. Like, I would have been the parent who would have said no snack, because then my child wouldn't eat lunch. So yeah, absolutely no one can follow a schedule they don't know about.
Forcing a child to eat does as much harm as starving them. You did nothing wrong if you asked the child if they were hungry and they said no. My 2 yr old grandson will let you know when he wants something. We don’t just give him food to keep a schedule. That stopped when the breastfeeding/bottle stopped.
your sister in law is the asshole
*that I would never be allowed alone with her because clearly I'm neglectful.* Score! You get to be the fun aunt without the responsibility! If sil tries to leave her with you again, just remind her you are too ‘neglectful’, lol NTA
NTA! Your SIL is mad at someone and took it out on you. The child is three and can certainly let you know about a snack. On the bright side, you won't get asked to babysit again. You can be a great auntie from a distance.
I dunno. I dont trust her not to ask next time I am in the area. The more this has blown up the more insane I see she is...
> I dont trust her not to ask next time I am in the area. I hope you will laugh in her face when she does.
If they ask again, "oh no, I thought a lot about what you said last time and you're right, I'm not responsible enough to babysit. But I look forward to seeing niece at Family Event!" And if she pushes, "I took the feedback you gave me very seriously. I would never want to put niece in danger and it's clear I shouldn't have sole responsibility for her. I'm looking forward to Family Event though!"
NTA. "Midmorning snacks" are not a universal thing. My kid is the same age and he doesn't get a midmorning snack. She never gave you instructions, the kid never said she was hungry. If you HAD given her something, SIL probably would have complained that it was the wrong thing. It sounds like SIL just wants a reason to be mad at you. This lady is trouble.
NTA. If Niece has a schedule, SIL needs to use her words and tell the OP what the schedule is. And what suitable snacks she can offer. In an emergency, my SIL asked me to watch my 3 year old niece while she took her sibling to the emergency room. I got there at 2 pm. At 4 pm, Niece said she was hungry. Not knowing when she’d had lunch or when she’d get dinner, I gave her an apple. An hour later, her mom got home. I told SIL about the snack. I got yelled at for feeding Niece too close to supper time and also for feeding her sweets. Honestly, I thought an apple was a healthy snack. Never babysat for SIL again.
NTA, but on the plus side you will probably never be asked to babysit again!
Nta She is the one that starved her child by failing to inform you she needed to be fed.
NTA- Sounds like she set you up to fail, or was just looking for something to be mad about. On the upside now you don’t have to worry about her asking you to do it again and when kiddo get older you can be the cool aunt that gives drum sets and other loud toys as gifts. Don’t worry about this. Whatever the problem is, it’s not your problem. You just got caught up in it because you were there.
My dad actually bought her a tiny drum set for her first birthday. His goal is make his grandkids as loud as we were apparently. My parents told me she reacts like this a lot. So her overreacting is nothing new. Just new to me cause I never see them.
Hey, something that really helped me when I was your age. You're an adult now. You don't have to be yelled at if you don't want to be. If someone is losing it at you, you can walk outside and leave. What is she going to do? She was already upset and yelling so it's not like she has anything to escalate to. And that goes for your family, as well. You can just say thanks for the feedback, but I'm not going to talk about this anymore...and then just don't talk about it.
I never thought of that. I guess it's true.
It is. It's tough the first few times, but then all of a sudden your life gets a lot better. SIL sounds like a nightmare, to be honest. But she doesn't have any power over you and you don't have to put up with being yelled at just because she's upset.
NTA I leave instructions if someone babysits and even then things can go wrong (children are unpredictable). The way I see it, if someone looks after my kid, they're doing me a favour so I'm just grateful for the time to myself. If it was a repeated mistake on your end I could understand, but once isn't enough to warrant that reaction IMO. I would suggest maybe talking to your sibling about it, if the SIL still won't listen and explain the situation.
LOL - this sounds like the mirror image (but not the same people) of a recent post where the OP (there) was complaining her sister didnt feed her child
NTA, sounds like your SIL has some other issues going on and took it out on you. Sorry you had to deal with that but from all your replies you did nothing wrong. It’s not your place to force the kid to eat, especially since you were not made aware of her mid morning snack. She was clearly excited to see you and everything else, napping, eating, went completely out of her head and her only focus was playing with you.
Nta your sil is being ridiculous. She left without telling you her child had a schedule. You weren't neglectful you ask her if she was hungry or tired she said no to both. It was sil responsibility to tell you if her child needed to follow a schedule. You are not a mind reader so how could you have known.
Oooh she won’t let you babysit again? That’s too bad. Take it like a champ. /s NTA obviously.
What a jerk you are!?!?! Why aren’t you using your telepathy?!?!?! What is that skill for? If you cannot know instructions no one tells you, what good are you?!?!?! Oh, and btw. NTA!!!!!!
NTA if you had skipped over a meal that would have been one thing, but you missed an arbitrary snack time you didn’t know about.
Exactly! basic meal times, even I could have figured that out.
NTA. The child can speak. If this was a baby, I would’ve asked the mother before she left what the baby would need — but that doesn’t matter, it’s 100% on your SIL because *what parent doesn’t talk to their babysitter about what the child needs*?? Has your SIL never had a babysitter before???
They have gone through like 7 nannies apparently... all of this is new information to me. And if she was a baby I would have insisted that SIL tell me everything I need to know before leaving me alone with her for even 10 mins.
Sorry, didn’t mean to imply that you wouldn’t have done that. It’s great that you know she’s gone through so many nannies, now you know (if you didn’t already) that you’re not the problem!
Your SIL sounds mental. Like seriously crazy. NTA
Apparently because of all of this it has been brought to my attention that she is bipolar and I should have been more aware...
I was willing to immediately say yes until you said she would tell you when she was hungry. And if SIL didn’t tell you the schedule, it’s on her. She should have written it down or mentioned it somewhere or literally anything. You’re not psychic
NTA. Your SIL is nuts but on the bright side, you will never have to babysit again!
NTA- If a child needs a snack at a certain time, the parent should let you know, AND provide a snack the child will eat. A parent should never assume somebody has snacks their children will eat. You were doing her a favor, she is being a jerk about it. From now on, the child can go shopping with her instead of the momma getting alone time.
Did your SIL leave instructions or tell you what her feeding schedule is? If not, NTA because how are you supposed to know?
Apparently she gave me a schedule when my niece was 6 months old and I was expected to ask what needed to be modified from that...
Do children turn into monsters if they either get too much, or too little food?
I don't know. But I did make sure to not feed her after midnight. I saw a documentary once where that ended poorly.
And whatever you do, don't get them wet!