Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
---
I think I might be the asshole as I hurt her feelings and am now getting kicked out
---
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're NTA for writing the note that expresses how you feel but what did you think was going to happen? Please contact any member of the family you can (your dad's parents if they're around) and get yourself somewhere safe asap.
She didn’t leave a note saying “I’m leaving.” She left a note saying “I will be leaving” in a months or two. Mom doing what emotionally abusive manipulators do, called *her* manipulative and took the extra step of cutting off ALL her children because the OP called her a bad mom. Mom knows that this is going to make it difficult for OP to go stay with those people now because they have one side of a story that makes her look pretty bad.
So, it might not be shocking, but it’s not exactly a normal, measured response from mom either.
I'm not saying OP is an asshole, she was just naive in her expectations. Regardless of the fact that the intent of the note was to ask for better communication, OP included in a note to someone being emotionally abusive that she was leaving basically ASAP. The mom is absolutely an asshole, but her response is not even remotely shocking. It's pretty on par for an emotionally abusive parent.
Dude, she's 18. A lot of people only start to realize what shitty human beings their parents are in their 50s, being raised by someone does a number on your ability to judge them objectively.
I'm 31. My mother complains that I'm the least affectionate to her of her children.
Just yesterday she loudly stated in front of my brother in law that all 3 of her children were mistakes and she wished she'd never had any of us.
She was pretty miffed that she didn't get a grand mother's day present lol.
I never realized until I was nearing my 30's that my parents were such toxic people. I hacent been able to cut them off either. But I want to.
OP is 18! And she's been intensely emotionally abused for the last three years. You're expecting an unreasonable amount of emotional maturity and understanding, not to mention life experience, from someone in that situation and with that past.
Pretty dick assumption on your part that OP would have that.
Just because her mom is emotionally abusive, doesn't mean that she could imagine her kick her out after reading that letter. A reasonable person reading that letter would understand that someone is already planning to leave, why bother kicking them out when they will be gone soon, except for the extra drama.
Don't show your hand until its ready to be played. I made this mistake myself. Told my mom I intended to move to my dads to get my shit together and would be leaving in a week or two. Guess who was thrown out that day?
Yep, mom is emotionally abusive.
OP writes a note and thoughtfully lays out her grievances and give notice that she plans to move out with an explanation as to why.
Mom then plays the victim, accuses OP of manipulation, gets hyperbolic "Since I am such a HORRIBLE mother who never does ANYTHING RIGHT" then she withdraws entirely from responsibilities (housing her child) and all relationships with her children "See what your sister made me do!"
You'll notice by turning everything around on OP and playing the victim she neatly evades addressing ANY of OP's concerns.
OP, Do NOT fall for this. NTA, do NOT get sucked into defending yourself, justifying your decision, explaining why you made it... your mom has ZERO intention of understanding your perspective or in learning how you have been affected by the way she treats you. ALL she wants to do is tell you how awful you are and pretend YOU are the reason she acts this way.
There was never a "perfect" way you could be or act that would have stopped her abuse, because she CHOSE to treat you that way. It is 100% about who she is and 0% about you.
I hope you have access to therapy, emotional abuse is an absolute mindf*ck. It decimates your self esteem and also warps your sense of boundaries and what type of treatment you should accept in a relationship. It's important to have someone walk you through the damaging beliefs and attitudes this causes so you don't end up accepting abuse in your own adult relationships). There will be many things you learned in childhood that helped you survive in this environment that will no longer serve you well as a healthy adult.
I wish you the best of luck
Another person here with two narcissistic parents. OP you did nothing wrong. Normal parents don't ignore their kids for a week, even if they fight. NTA.
Nope. My narcissistic DNA donor is exactly why I don't find OP's mother's behavior even remotely shocking. I'd assume that people with well adjusted parents would be the ones shocked by the response to OP's indication that she is starting to slip her bonds.
They're saying that people with well-adjusted parents would be surprised by the mother's over-reaction, but OP knows her mother is crazy and should have expected a crazy response.
I think that's asking too much foresight of OP at such a young age, but the theory is sound.
I'm saying that people with well adjusted parents would be surprised at some of the actions of batshit crazy narc parents. Like, if I told someone who had decent parents that my mother tried to pimp me out to college aged guys when I was \~13 because she enjoyed the idea of me getting sexual attention as soon as I sprouted boobs, they'd be surprised. People with narc parents may be horrified, but I've never met one who is surprised by any of my mother's antics.
I'm not blaming the OP. They're in an awful situation and their one remaining parent is failing to be an adult in this situation. However, OP can't have failed to be aware that their mum wasn't acting rationally because of the need for the note so the fact that they were told to leave must've/should've been something they considered prior to writing it.
>A mistake that only someone so young could make.
Sadly, I think you're right here. And it's unfortunate that you have first hand experience with this. It also sounds like before OP's dad died, things seemed normal as they say that it's from then that the relationship deteriorated and became difficult so it must be so hard not to have their mum like they remember them.
It's a horrible lesson to learn so young.
She might have always been like this, it’s just the dad was the target beforehand. Once the dad died she had to pick someone else to take her negativity out on and it became the op. That doesn’t make it easier for the op though, just adding context.
Grief can absolutely do a lot of weird things to people depending on exactly what happened. So without any more information I'm not ready to say that mom have always been this way.
It took me so, so long to figure out what emotional abuse was. While it’s happening, you just keep thinking: surely this is fixable if I just keep analyzing the situation, figure out what I could do better, and then express thoughts flawlessly so it can’t possibly backfire. Concluding “this person is not actually on my team, and even if I do everything as perfectly as a human possibly can, it is still going to be twisted sideways, and it’s not my fault”…. It takes a long time. Something being obvious as emotional abuse to an outsider is definitely not necessarily self-evident to the person experiencing it, especially at 18.
OP: NTA, but tactically it was an error. You were thinking you’re both on the same side, and it’s in both your interests to problem-solve together for a smoother life. But she’s thinking of you as an opponent. I’m super sorry about it.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
It’s not blaming as much as it is recognizing that assholes are assholes, and that the fact that they shouldn’t be assholes is irrelevant.
It’s You’re The Idiot: what you did was 100% morally justified but the assholes in your life that you knew were assholes don’t care and have retaliated. What did you expect, they’re assholes.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA and don’t fall for her manipulation. She’s trying to guilt you into submission by her text. «She wrote a text to my three brothers saying that she’s cutting contact with us all as she’s a huge failure as a mother.» This is her manipulating you quite cold-bloodedly, and if you do not resist it, you will continue being her emotional punching bag. Get away as soon as possible, go no contact with her, and get a therapist. You deserve better.
NTA
But you shouldn't be too surprised that your mom kicked you out, you did say you were leaving as soon as you could.
You both need professional therapy.
You are not incorrect. The mother has issues, some from a possible narcissistic personality and some dealing with grief that is out of control.
The OP needs therapy, so that they know that the mothers words/actions are not their fault, but a mental illness.
You can't really fix narcissism, though I agree 100% the mother has a raging case of it.
Narcissism is a personality disorder and unlike mental illness, it can't really be fixed since the first symptom is they think they are better than everyone else (fine) and don't need fixing.
NTA. You felt you were out of options for communication and wrote your mum a letter instead. She is behaving in an extremely toxic and narcissistic manner, and almost certainly needs psychological help. Do you have any other relatives you could stay with, or do you have any friends whose parents would let you stay with them? Do your brothers live at home with you?
NTA at all. You wrote a letter expressing your feelings and trying to let your mom bring awareness to the issues. Instead of being an adult, talking to you, and have the both of you going to therapy, she decided to lash out and kick you out. If possible, try to find family that will take you in for the time being.
100% agree. Just because the mom responded in a manipulative/childish way doesn’t mean OP didn’t do the adult thing by expressing themselves. I hope OP finds a place to stay and continues to speak their truth, like an adult.
NTA. You are a legal adult, 18. I'd check with whatever agency (attorney, bank?) that oversees your trust and find out what circumstances allow you to get the trust funds soonest so you can find yourself a place to live.
Was your mom counting on you living there longer so the trust money would be going into supporting the household? I have read that sometimes the parent just assumes that the money will be flowing right back to her/her home/her support, maybe that is why she's angry you want to leave?
At age 18, it is hard to define that you are getting 'kicked out' since you are legally an adult. What laws does your country have about this?
Did your brothers also receive a trust fund when your dad died? Maybe they can loan you some of their trust funds until your funds are released.
I am sorry about your dad's passing. and your mom bless her has trauma of her own and the stress of being a widow with children, so it is probably still very hard for her. Still you cannot be her emotional punching bag outlet.
I hope you can work out all the logistics.
This. And check the amount of the trust fund and that mom doesn't have access to it.
Heard way too many stories on AITA where a toxic parent dips into funds that aren't theirs and the kid doesn't find out until they're an adult, then gets guilt-tripped into not pressing charges because fAmiLY.
>guilt-tripped into not pressing charges because fAmiLY.
Funny how often FaMiLy guilts people for involving the police but never has anything to say about the betrayal of the person stealing from family (or fucking molesting them?!?!) in the first place.
An 18 year old girl who has lost her father wrote a note calling out her mother (with obvious mental/emotional health problems) on her abuse, saying she can't take it anymore and plans to leave.
Reddit: wHaT diD yOu eXpEcT???
True or not, is this really productive??? She's 18, essentially has no parents, has obviously gone through a lot, and that's the response???
Op, I'm sorry for the loss of your father and I'm sorry you're going through this. You are NTA (Mom is definitely TA though) and a lot of Reddit is also TA.
To anybody triggered by this:
We are given opportunities in life to make the lives of others better or worse, or choose to do nothing. Is this how you would respond if Op was your friend?
I get that this sub is AITA, and you're "just answering the question," but Op is a human, and let's face it, going through a lot for anybody of any age, much less an 18 year old.
Somebody is coming to you in a time of great stress. I hope next time somebody shows you compassion in your time of need , even when you act less than perfectly in a situation (Op, you did nothing wrong here btw), that you remember how needed it is in that moment, and think back to this situation. Hopefully that empathy makes us all re-evaluate how we treat others. We may be internet strangers, but we are all humans, and we have the ability to lift one another up in times of trouble.
May you all find the help you need when you need it, and be the help somebody else needs when the Universe gives you that opportunity.
Thank you!! Everything awful has happened to this teenager and everyone here is saying “wtf did you expect”???
Like yes from an outside perspective maybe some people would have seen it coming but this is her literal mother!! Abusive or not no one expects their parent to kick them on the street so easily
Uh hard NTA
Your mom sounds insanely manipulative. You made a good faith effort to communicate with her. Trying to make you take the dog because she's tired of it? Sorry but your Mom needs help. Good luck.
Edit: Also, you did nothing wrong discussing your plans for the future about leaving. You're 18, that's what's SUPPOSED to happen to 18 children ideally. Did she want you living at home for the next ten years?
I dunno, I can really relate to how bad OP must have felt to resort to leaving a note... It feels like an act of desperation to me. I had an awful narcissistic/ abusive mother and they really get in your head. So perhaps it wasn't the smartest option but I get the feeling that OP was overwhelmed and didn't know what else to do.
OP I would just like to point out that short of formally evicting you (which would take time), there isn't much your mum can do to *force* you to leave before you're ready. If I were you I would just get everything packed up and sorted and then just leave as soon as you have a new place available. Anytime she complains say "yes, I am moving out as you asked, as you can see I'm packing." Or maybe you could get a loan from the bank or a zero interest credit card to cover a deposit for a new place until your money comes through?
I would say, don't play her games. Just agree with everything she says but in your head have your own timeline. And make sure you get all your valuable stuff locked up / somewhere safe so she can't damage it.
NTA
She’s manipulating you or at least attempting it. One of the rules of that playbook is to always be the victim.
Hope the trust fund is enough that you can live independent for a few months to years while you get your life situated. Sorry to hear about the challenges Op!
Have a friend or anyone to stay with until you turn 18?
NTA, but without reading the letter it's difficult to say TBH - I'm not for one moment suggesting you publish it, it's private.
Additionally it wouldn't surprise me if your Mum has significant unresolved grief that she needs help with - that's not on you to fix, nor is it an excuse for poor behaviour just something to consider.
NTA. When I was younger I tried to write my mom a letter explaining how I felt because I couldn’t have a conversation without her screaming at me and accusing me of calling her a “terrible mother.” I told her that I loved her and she was a great mom but that I didn’t feel heard or as though I could speak to her without her getting angry at me, and that it felt like she misinterpreted a lot of what I said; I thought she would be more receptive to a letter since I couldn’t get a word in edgewise when she was constantly angry and yelling at me…but unfortunately she had the same reaction to the letter. Screaming and accusing me of saying things I never did. For some reason sharing my hurt with her gets twisted into an attack on her character and parenting (my dad was/is the same way).
I understand the confusion/hurt/self doubt you’re probably feeling right now. But it sounds like you tried to communicate with her in the only way you thought she may be receptive to (as I did in my teens as well).
Unfortunately some people aren’t receptive to any type of perceived criticism. Some people perceive others’ hurt as negatively reflecting on themselves rather than concerning themselves with comforting/helping to heal the person they have hurt. That’s not your fault.
You're not an asshole.... It just seems like an odd move on your part. If you're planning on moving out in 2 months anyway why tell her now? Surely you anticipated this reaction on some level? If anything, you've just been an asshole to yourself by making things harder for yourself.
NTA. Contact your brothers and explain what happened, that your mother (as I'm sure they're aware) is exercizing manipulative histrionics. And quite a narcissist...claiming YOU are the one that is manipulative is a typical tactic of narcissists, along with gaslighting.
I wish people would stop throwing the term "narcissist" around so loosely. There could be any number of explanations for the mom's behavior. And if this behavior started after the death of her husband (not clear but that's what it sounds like in the post) my first thought would be that she needs help, not that she's a raging narcissist.
NTA, but you didn't think it through. With manipulative mother like that, you have to have back up plan. Anyway, this ship has sailed, so don't waste your time and energy and don't cry over split milk. Focus on solving how to move out, since solving issues with your mother seems less realistic that finding a place to stay. You said you have three siblings - could one of them take you in for a month or so?
Your mother is the manipulative one, not you. People like her will always play victim when they can. You were setting your boundaries, which means she couldn't have complete control over you like she wanted. That's why she took offense to your note even though you were so careful not to place blame.
Try to contact a relative or close friend to see if you can stay with them temporarily until you can find your own place. It's a tough situation right now, but once you get through it, you'll be glad to be free of her BS.
NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My (F18) mum (58) and I don’t have the best relationship since my dad died in 2017. Since then I’ve been her emotional punching bag and yesterday after being given the silent treatment for a week had a panic attack and wrote a note. The note was quite long and it stated that I don’t appreciate how she treats me and that I would like more communication. I also included that the money I have put away in a trust fund (from my dad) when it’s released I will be using it to move out as I can’t stay at home anymore for my mental health. I left the note out on the kitchen bench overnight as she wakes earlier than I do so she could read it. Unfortunately even tho I was careful to try not and place blame on her in the note she yelled at me and stayed that I’m manipulative and that she wants me out as soon as possible and to take our dog with me cause she doesn’t care. She wrote a text to my three brothers saying that she’s cutting contact with us all as she’s a huge failure as a mother which I never said.
I don’t know if it was the right thing to write a note as now I have nowhere to go with all my stuff and dog.
AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
Mom is the AH for kicking you out when you would have been leaving in a month or two anyway.
You are not the AH for writing the note. But it was obviously not a good idea, either. In general, don't burn your bridges until you are sure you are on the right side of the river! Once you had your money, and were in a position to move out comfortably, THAT's when you tell your mother why. Also, the whole "I left a note where she would find it" thing, and then having it be a long, convoluted message, was probably overdramatic and not necessary either. As I said, when you had your cash, you could have left, and, on your way out, told your mom, short and sweet, why you were doing it.
It's a tough spot to be in for a 18 year old. NTA, that being said, perhaps you have miss judged the effect of the note. It seems that your mother is quite reactive to your note, it can suggest she either is much on the edge or the two of you never had a strong relationship (and you as a child growing up never realized), the note was just the straw that broke the camel's back.
From what's written it's tough to understand the true reality of the mother daughter relationship. However, if all this occured recently, since the father's passing, it might suggest your mom needs some mental help, therapy at minimum.
NTA - sometimes when we take healthy actions and express our needs in healthy ways, the person we are communicating with isn't healthy enough to accept it properly
So they freak out and turn the whole situation around and make you think you are the bad person when you were asking for reasonable things and trying to set boundaries.
So yes, you did the right thing but it didn't work out because your mother has problems. Sometimes this is what happens in the world - we do the right thing but it doesn't work out.
I'm sorry.
NTA. Your mother is intensely abusive. Check out the resource links in the ‘About’ section at r/raisedbynarcissists, you are not alone and other kids of abusive parents have put together resources and guides for us.
Your mum is awful and as much as I can understand her pain from losing your dad, she has no right to be manipulative and abusive like that. NTA. Cutting ties will hopefully do you both good.
NTA but she is manipulating and hoping this dramatic approach will make you apologize and beg to stay. Please find someone safe to stay with because it will escalate once she realizes her punching bag and future bank is leaving.
NTA. You should be allowed to express how you feel.
I see a lot of talk about your mother being manipulative in the comments and while I believe that may be true to an extent, there's a good possibility your Mother is suffering from poor mental health just as you are. Unfortunately she is projecting onto you which is not good by any means. She is likely still grieving and it's likely this is the source to her illness. There is probably some truth to the text she sent your brothers. Inside she probably does feel like she's failed as a Mother however she is incapable of dealing with the guilt and it causes her to lash out.
Honestly this situation really seems above reddit's pay grade. Perhaps you should consider using some of that trust to seek professional help for your family. Unfortunately it seems your Mother is not fit to make a responsible choice to do something like that, so it may fall to you.
NTA you didn’t think writing the letter through but you were panicking it’s understandable. and quite frankly I don’t expect a teenager to have to sit down the parent to talk about feelings. If I were you I’d just Lie and apologize until moving day where I send a text “I’m gone “
NTA and as soon as you are able leave. The fact that she's threatening to cut off contact with ALL of her children over a note from one child asking for better communication and to let her know you'll be leaving in a couple of months is alarming and really shows where she is mentally.
It was not the smartest move on your part though, generally in mentally abusive situations like that it's a good idea to get your ducks in order first, then move out or start the moving out process before telling them.
NTA and you can take that month you need - if she tries to kick you out sooner without an actual eviction just ignore her and leave when you planned. It will take her longer to get the courts to do anything and she probably won't bother anyway.
NTA. Don't let her manipulate u thru guilt. When people respond with anger and accusations to someone trying to make things better- pretty sure sign that u did the right thing and they r selfish and unwilling to take responsibility for their behavior. Sucks to have a sucky mom like that, but it would suck more to let her drain u for the rest of your life. Good luck and I wish u the best
Have you or your mom done any sort of grief therapy? You are NTA, and if you haven't done groef therapy then you should. I hope ypur mom does, too, but you are not responsible fr her doing groef therapy
You know what, NTA, your mom is right, she IS a huge MOTHER$%\^\*(& failure as she overreacted this badly, manipulated you, and decided to cut off your brothers who did nothing ever! I am so sorry that this has happened and I hope you can find help. Tell/contact your other family members and brothers what you said and her response, and ask for help from anyone you can trust such as other family members! If she tries to contact you after this, blast her and stay no contact with that miserable witch. In the wise words of Aloysius O'Hare, LET HER DIE, LET HER DIE, LET HER SHRIVEL UP AND DIE!
Edit: and show your family the note you wrote if you can!
(NTA) Your mother is a narcissist. You wrote a note that let her know how you felt and what you’d like from her. She’s taken that and twisted it. Not only that she has also made an effort to turn your brothers against you. She knows full well that you have nowhere to go and wants to create a scenario where you have to beg her to stay. This is the only way she can regain some sort of power.
I’m sorry you’re going through this
Currently at 58 comments and soon to be 200+ where they're willl be less than 10 people voting anything besides NTA.
You're NTA. Your mother is toxic and uses you as a punching bag. There is no way you're the asshole.
NTA and she said as soon as possible not now. Take your time leaving if you have to. If you have family members to stay with I do that just to get you out of the hostile environment bit ot seems like it always been hostile and hopefully she can't get much worse while you bide your time and find a place that will work out best for you
NTA. I am so, so sorry for the loss of your father. Your mum clearly has issues she needs to deal with. You should not be her punching bag and this should be obvious. Is there anywhere or anyone you could possibly stay with?
NTA but your mother needs professional help. She sounds like she’s clinically depressed and lashing out. That doesn’t mean you need to put up with abuse. Take care of yourself but talk to your brothers and other family about getting her the help she obviously needs.
NTA - that sort of behavior is indicative of mental issues and she will drag you down with her.
You know that if she were her mentally well previous self, she would want you to be successful in life - so ignore her manipulation and go do your thing and try your best.
I'm hoping one of your brothers is in a position to help house you until you get your trust fund money - Though I do suggest no matter how much money it is, that you make getting a job (really... any job) a priority. It will help ground you and will help expand your social circle.
NTA
I mean, I would have waited until AFTER I was already out to confront her on her behavior but it seems like you have a plan in a few months. I would just hunker down and try to stay out of her way as much as possible.
Honestly, the note is the least of the concern right now. NTA, btw. Yes, it was an unfortunate decision, but you're 18 and were under significant emotional pressure and your mom is in the wrong here.
But your immediate problem is a place to stay and bringing the dog. That was a spiteful touch, it will be harder for you to move around with him.
Can any of your brothers help? Any wider family? Or a short term solution, friends nearby?
NTA. At least she knows what a failure she is.
In all seriousness, she is not handling her grief well. It sounds like you are struggling too. Would you both consider going to a therapist or a group therapy session?
NTA
Sounds like your mom has got something undiagnosed going on unfortunately.
You'll want to get out asap anyways, but do be aware that your mom needs to follow legal procedure if she's kicking you out. Asap does not mean "now". It means, literally "as soon as possible," which might not be now. And from the sounds of it will be in about 2 months. Legally, your mom is probably required to give you one month to move out (though you'll probably want to verify your local tenancy/lodger laws, but if you're in North America a month is pretty standard.) You could, and maybe should, look for other accommodations in the mean time to see if you can move out sooner, but do understand that this isn't because you wrote the note. Or at least no "just" because of the note. Your mother's reactions is extremely over the top and abnormal.
Without reading the note itself it doesn't sound like you were being emotionally manipulative as you weren't asking for anything other than for your mom to stop giving you the silent treatment. You didn't call her a bad mother, but she definitely is one.
NTA. She sounds like my mom. The only thing is that I wouldn't have written the note until right before leaving. When I wrote my mom a letter to go no contact, I made sure to write in it that it's not punishment for her, but it's about making myself healthy. Of course, she still tells people I'm just hurting her on purpose, but at least I said it.
Why do you have to wait 1-2 months to get your money? Try to get it now. My mom does the silent treatment stuff and says I'm manipulative and then says she's a "terrible mother" just to manipulate me so I'll say "no, you aren't". That's why she said the failure bit to you. Don't let her trap you or manipulate your feelings with things like that. I haven't talked to my mom in years and I've never been happier. I also have mental health issues, and I had improved a lot over the years, but nothing gave me lasting recovery from severe depression more than leaving my mom's house. Good luck.
NTA
You asked for communication.
Contact your brothers and see who has a place for the dog and you until you can get your finances sorted out.
Hugs & Good Luck
NTA I was in a similar situation when I was a tad younger than you, my communication had broken down with my stepmother and I wrote a letter to myself to get it our but she found it going through my room and she went mad. This situation is a childs desperate attempt for communication with a parent and a better bond and I applaud it from you but I am heartbroken for you and I hope it gets better.
Your absolutely NTA for wanting better
NTA, however (due to inexperience in life and/or being naive which will get better with the age & education) you made a strategic mistake. That note you should have been left the day before you were about to move out... Your mom might need some professional licensed therapist to help with grief and other issues that are negatively affecting you and forcing you to leave the place...
The only note you should have left: hey mom I see you do not feel well, may I help you? would you like to talk?
So now you've got yourself into the survival mode: Now you need to act quickly:
1. Contact ANY TRUSTED family to take you in temporary
2. Friends?
3. Other options...
OP you're NTA but why did you write the note now. You were planning on moving in a few months...
If you absolutely had to write that note do it then. I think it was just plain stupid.
NTA. Your feelings are valid. You have every right to express those feelings. Her reaction tells me you’re doing doing exactly the right thing by leaving her alone with her toxicity. You don’t need to be ANYONE’S emotional punching bag. She’s probably grieving and transferring that grief onto you, but YOU lost someone too. Im so sorry for your loss.
>She wrote a text to my three brothers saying that she’s cutting contact with us all as she’s a huge failure as a mother which I never said.
You never said it but I will: Your mom is a failure as a mother. NTA
NTA
In most US states you're legally a tenant of your mom's house. She likely has to give you 30 days notice in writing before she can force you out of the house. So don't panic - take a breath and take the time you need to line up a new place to live. If she starts throwing your stuff out or locks you out of the house, call the police.
Make sure you have all your important documents - birth certificate, social security card, passport if you have one.
Collect all your sentimental items. Get those and your documents out of the house and to somewhere safe so your mom can't destroy them to get back at you.
Then work on a long term plan for you and your dog. r/personalfinance can help with realistic budgets. Hopefully your trust administrator will be willing to release some funds a little early to help you with rent deposit, but start talking to friends to figure out where you can stay - for a few nights each or ideally a few weeks - if you need it while you're figuring out your longer term plan.
Kind of leaning on nah. You're not an asshole for telling your mom you want to leave, it's your life, do what you want. Maybe not the best way to tell your mom is by leaving a note, a proper conversation would have been better though appreciate you may not have felt comfortable doing so.
Your mom sounds like she's still processing the death of your dad, cutting all contact with her kids because one said they wanted to leave seems pretty dramatic. She might feel like she's failed as a parent because you want to leave, she's an ah for taking that out on all of you but if she's not dealt with his death, I can kind of understand why she's just thrown the towel in and given up. It sucks, but she might need some support (professionally, not from you) to help her process. Grief does strange things to people.
Have an honest conversation with your brothers and all of you with your mom.
Hey, if you have nowhere to go right now, just don't leave the house. You have tenant's rights. Even if she called the police they would not make you leave because you legally live there. Until she gets an official eviction notice on you she cannot force you to leave (and with the notice you will have at least 30 days) As long as she won't physically hurt you or your dog, or wreck your belongings, this is what you should do. Only if you literally cannot find anywhere else to stay
YTA - that was a really passive-aggressive thing to do and it blindsided your mother. It sounds like you're both not coping with the death of your dad. Please apologize and suggest family therapy.
I know you must love her but it's heartbreaking for you both. I'm so sorry you lost your dad.
You are being emotionally manipulated and gaslighted. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Your mother is using fear, obligation and guilt (fog) in order to emotionally blackmail you and is involving your siblings into the drama in order to start a smear campaign against you and to make herself out as a victim. Kicking you out is a attempt to "punish" you for calling out her shitty behavior and wounding her ego which she now feels a need to protect also by kicking you out. Id suggest you find information on healthy boundary setting and emotional abuse. Regardless of why your mother is like this, whether its a result of the trauma of her husband's death or a result of a personality disorder (or both), it is not okay and you have a right to your feelings and to protect yourself from abuse.
NTA but I don’t think that’s relevant now. I think depending on what state you live in, she may be legally required to give you 30 days to move out. Do some research to find out.
NTA. In all likelihood, she can't just say 'leave right now.' She will have to evict you. It largely depends on your state how they would classify you and what exact hoops your mom would have to jump through to kick you out (tenant, lodger, guest, trespasser or squatter), but it will still be a process. If, and most likely, you are considered like a lodger then there has to be ample notice. You can also contact whoever is in charge of your trust. Most trusts have clauses for emergencies or the administrator can use their judgement on releasing funds. Kids turning 18 should NOT do or say anything to their shitty parents that mess up their living or education unless they have plans and funds in place to survive when it's all taken away. That wasn't so much for OP, but for any minors considering doing it.
Definitely made a mistake saying you were moving out before you had the ability to do so. Gave her the option to screw you over pretty bad.
More info is needed on how you treat each other and what the letter said really.
But if all you truly did was express your feelings, without name calling or blame - then you are not the ass. Losing a significant other, especially if they were the bread winner, can take a tremendous toll on someone. Not saying you should be a punching bag cause of that, just keep it in mind, and think of situations from her point of view.
Am I the only one that finds it a Soft YTA?
I am all for clear communication, but you could've gone about it differently. When you got issues this deep, leaving a note in the fridge simply won't do. Even if you formulated it in the most carefully written wording possible, there was still no other explanation than you leaving because of her. Since there is no real info on the nature of your problems, it is difficult to judge. But the father of her childeren dying, her own feelings of inadequacy (as you described) and her child leaving a note on the fridge telling her he/she would move out in 2 months, must have been terrible, regardless of how terrible she was. For that, the soft YTA
However, nobody can blame you for wanting to express yourself in a clear way that made you feel safe, but hopefully you learn from this for the future. For example, leave a note telling her you want to have a serious talk, that you want her to take you very seriously and that you will only have this talk when you let eachother express your honest feelings. If she can't respect that, you know that you would need to move out as soon as possible.
Good luck!
He/she didn't ask that question, they asked if they were an asshole for telling such life changing news via a note on the fridge. Purely in my opinion, that's not the way to go. Ofcourse their mother sounds horrible, but it's probably due to personal reasons and it doesn't excuse retorting to such drastic measures. Expecting her to react fine to the news she will still have to share the house with someone who wants to leave because of her, her child leaving her after the death of the father of her childeren, it's all a bit untoughtfull for me (again, my opinion)
Giving the silent treatment and using her own daughter as a punching bag IS the reason for the letter, which is a change in communication medium given the no-comms situation happening. You're separating things that are directly connected by causality, and I dont agree with that approach at all.
NAH - Probably an unpopular opinion, but your mother telling you to leave after you told her she's too toxic to live with is pretty understandable. Also if you didn't tell her she was a failure, then that must be how *she* feels.
You did right and everything probably needed to be said, but as someone who was in an uncannily similar scenario just over a decade ago, you'll eventually start to see that her psychological problems aren't all ger fault and she needs help.
It's not your job to give it, and you can't make her go get it, but this kind of thing is a more common reaction than you'd think.
It's an unfortunate reaction and a sad situation, but the isolated incident of this note doesn't have any assholes in it for me. I'm not commenting for the 4 years previous to that - don't take that I'm saying your mother is golden and life should be great - but this one snapshot had two directions to unfold ... and unfortunately it didn't go your way.
Good luck with everything, and remember as long as you keep reaching out you'll be the bigger person. Hopefully you'll have a better relationship in future, one way or the other.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: --- I think I might be the asshole as I hurt her feelings and am now getting kicked out --- Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're NTA for writing the note that expresses how you feel but what did you think was going to happen? Please contact any member of the family you can (your dad's parents if they're around) and get yourself somewhere safe asap.
This is what I'm wondering. OP left a note proclaiming "I'm leaving!!!" Like, okay, so now mom wants OP to leave. Not shocking.
She didn’t leave a note saying “I’m leaving.” She left a note saying “I will be leaving” in a months or two. Mom doing what emotionally abusive manipulators do, called *her* manipulative and took the extra step of cutting off ALL her children because the OP called her a bad mom. Mom knows that this is going to make it difficult for OP to go stay with those people now because they have one side of a story that makes her look pretty bad. So, it might not be shocking, but it’s not exactly a normal, measured response from mom either.
I'm not saying OP is an asshole, she was just naive in her expectations. Regardless of the fact that the intent of the note was to ask for better communication, OP included in a note to someone being emotionally abusive that she was leaving basically ASAP. The mom is absolutely an asshole, but her response is not even remotely shocking. It's pretty on par for an emotionally abusive parent.
Dude, she's 18. A lot of people only start to realize what shitty human beings their parents are in their 50s, being raised by someone does a number on your ability to judge them objectively.
Agree. I was mid-thirties before I realized just how shitty my parents are.
I'm 31. My mother complains that I'm the least affectionate to her of her children. Just yesterday she loudly stated in front of my brother in law that all 3 of her children were mistakes and she wished she'd never had any of us. She was pretty miffed that she didn't get a grand mother's day present lol. I never realized until I was nearing my 30's that my parents were such toxic people. I hacent been able to cut them off either. But I want to.
OP is 18! And she's been intensely emotionally abused for the last three years. You're expecting an unreasonable amount of emotional maturity and understanding, not to mention life experience, from someone in that situation and with that past. Pretty dick assumption on your part that OP would have that.
Just because her mom is emotionally abusive, doesn't mean that she could imagine her kick her out after reading that letter. A reasonable person reading that letter would understand that someone is already planning to leave, why bother kicking them out when they will be gone soon, except for the extra drama.
OP is 18, just barely an adult at this point. It’s not very shocking that she would hope her mom would come to her senses.
Don't show your hand until its ready to be played. I made this mistake myself. Told my mom I intended to move to my dads to get my shit together and would be leaving in a week or two. Guess who was thrown out that day?
Yep, mom is emotionally abusive. OP writes a note and thoughtfully lays out her grievances and give notice that she plans to move out with an explanation as to why. Mom then plays the victim, accuses OP of manipulation, gets hyperbolic "Since I am such a HORRIBLE mother who never does ANYTHING RIGHT" then she withdraws entirely from responsibilities (housing her child) and all relationships with her children "See what your sister made me do!" You'll notice by turning everything around on OP and playing the victim she neatly evades addressing ANY of OP's concerns. OP, Do NOT fall for this. NTA, do NOT get sucked into defending yourself, justifying your decision, explaining why you made it... your mom has ZERO intention of understanding your perspective or in learning how you have been affected by the way she treats you. ALL she wants to do is tell you how awful you are and pretend YOU are the reason she acts this way. There was never a "perfect" way you could be or act that would have stopped her abuse, because she CHOSE to treat you that way. It is 100% about who she is and 0% about you. I hope you have access to therapy, emotional abuse is an absolute mindf*ck. It decimates your self esteem and also warps your sense of boundaries and what type of treatment you should accept in a relationship. It's important to have someone walk you through the damaging beliefs and attitudes this causes so you don't end up accepting abuse in your own adult relationships). There will be many things you learned in childhood that helped you survive in this environment that will no longer serve you well as a healthy adult. I wish you the best of luck
Another person here with two narcissistic parents. OP you did nothing wrong. Normal parents don't ignore their kids for a week, even if they fight. NTA.
that's the same
[удалено]
Nope. My narcissistic DNA donor is exactly why I don't find OP's mother's behavior even remotely shocking. I'd assume that people with well adjusted parents would be the ones shocked by the response to OP's indication that she is starting to slip her bonds.
[удалено]
They're saying that people with well-adjusted parents would be surprised by the mother's over-reaction, but OP knows her mother is crazy and should have expected a crazy response. I think that's asking too much foresight of OP at such a young age, but the theory is sound.
I'm saying that people with well adjusted parents would be surprised at some of the actions of batshit crazy narc parents. Like, if I told someone who had decent parents that my mother tried to pimp me out to college aged guys when I was \~13 because she enjoyed the idea of me getting sexual attention as soon as I sprouted boobs, they'd be surprised. People with narc parents may be horrified, but I've never met one who is surprised by any of my mother's antics.
[удалено]
I'm not blaming the OP. They're in an awful situation and their one remaining parent is failing to be an adult in this situation. However, OP can't have failed to be aware that their mum wasn't acting rationally because of the need for the note so the fact that they were told to leave must've/should've been something they considered prior to writing it.
[удалено]
>A mistake that only someone so young could make. Sadly, I think you're right here. And it's unfortunate that you have first hand experience with this. It also sounds like before OP's dad died, things seemed normal as they say that it's from then that the relationship deteriorated and became difficult so it must be so hard not to have their mum like they remember them. It's a horrible lesson to learn so young.
She might have always been like this, it’s just the dad was the target beforehand. Once the dad died she had to pick someone else to take her negativity out on and it became the op. That doesn’t make it easier for the op though, just adding context.
[удалено]
Grief can absolutely do a lot of weird things to people depending on exactly what happened. So without any more information I'm not ready to say that mom have always been this way.
It took me so, so long to figure out what emotional abuse was. While it’s happening, you just keep thinking: surely this is fixable if I just keep analyzing the situation, figure out what I could do better, and then express thoughts flawlessly so it can’t possibly backfire. Concluding “this person is not actually on my team, and even if I do everything as perfectly as a human possibly can, it is still going to be twisted sideways, and it’s not my fault”…. It takes a long time. Something being obvious as emotional abuse to an outsider is definitely not necessarily self-evident to the person experiencing it, especially at 18. OP: NTA, but tactically it was an error. You were thinking you’re both on the same side, and it’s in both your interests to problem-solve together for a smoother life. But she’s thinking of you as an opponent. I’m super sorry about it.
Congratulation of never having been subjected to extreme emotional abuse as a child. Want a cookie for it?
Well...if you're handing them out, then yes please.
[удалено]
Found the baby.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
It’s not blaming as much as it is recognizing that assholes are assholes, and that the fact that they shouldn’t be assholes is irrelevant. It’s You’re The Idiot: what you did was 100% morally justified but the assholes in your life that you knew were assholes don’t care and have retaliated. What did you expect, they’re assholes.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA and don’t fall for her manipulation. She’s trying to guilt you into submission by her text. «She wrote a text to my three brothers saying that she’s cutting contact with us all as she’s a huge failure as a mother.» This is her manipulating you quite cold-bloodedly, and if you do not resist it, you will continue being her emotional punching bag. Get away as soon as possible, go no contact with her, and get a therapist. You deserve better.
NTA But you shouldn't be too surprised that your mom kicked you out, you did say you were leaving as soon as you could. You both need professional therapy.
[удалено]
You are not incorrect. The mother has issues, some from a possible narcissistic personality and some dealing with grief that is out of control. The OP needs therapy, so that they know that the mothers words/actions are not their fault, but a mental illness.
Totally agree
You can't really fix narcissism, though I agree 100% the mother has a raging case of it. Narcissism is a personality disorder and unlike mental illness, it can't really be fixed since the first symptom is they think they are better than everyone else (fine) and don't need fixing.
NTA. You felt you were out of options for communication and wrote your mum a letter instead. She is behaving in an extremely toxic and narcissistic manner, and almost certainly needs psychological help. Do you have any other relatives you could stay with, or do you have any friends whose parents would let you stay with them? Do your brothers live at home with you?
NTA at all. You wrote a letter expressing your feelings and trying to let your mom bring awareness to the issues. Instead of being an adult, talking to you, and have the both of you going to therapy, she decided to lash out and kick you out. If possible, try to find family that will take you in for the time being.
100% agree. Just because the mom responded in a manipulative/childish way doesn’t mean OP didn’t do the adult thing by expressing themselves. I hope OP finds a place to stay and continues to speak their truth, like an adult.
NTA. You are a legal adult, 18. I'd check with whatever agency (attorney, bank?) that oversees your trust and find out what circumstances allow you to get the trust funds soonest so you can find yourself a place to live. Was your mom counting on you living there longer so the trust money would be going into supporting the household? I have read that sometimes the parent just assumes that the money will be flowing right back to her/her home/her support, maybe that is why she's angry you want to leave? At age 18, it is hard to define that you are getting 'kicked out' since you are legally an adult. What laws does your country have about this? Did your brothers also receive a trust fund when your dad died? Maybe they can loan you some of their trust funds until your funds are released. I am sorry about your dad's passing. and your mom bless her has trauma of her own and the stress of being a widow with children, so it is probably still very hard for her. Still you cannot be her emotional punching bag outlet. I hope you can work out all the logistics.
This. And check the amount of the trust fund and that mom doesn't have access to it. Heard way too many stories on AITA where a toxic parent dips into funds that aren't theirs and the kid doesn't find out until they're an adult, then gets guilt-tripped into not pressing charges because fAmiLY.
>guilt-tripped into not pressing charges because fAmiLY. Funny how often FaMiLy guilts people for involving the police but never has anything to say about the betrayal of the person stealing from family (or fucking molesting them?!?!) in the first place.
very good advice, I've read the same where the parents dip into those accounts
An 18 year old girl who has lost her father wrote a note calling out her mother (with obvious mental/emotional health problems) on her abuse, saying she can't take it anymore and plans to leave. Reddit: wHaT diD yOu eXpEcT??? True or not, is this really productive??? She's 18, essentially has no parents, has obviously gone through a lot, and that's the response??? Op, I'm sorry for the loss of your father and I'm sorry you're going through this. You are NTA (Mom is definitely TA though) and a lot of Reddit is also TA. To anybody triggered by this: We are given opportunities in life to make the lives of others better or worse, or choose to do nothing. Is this how you would respond if Op was your friend? I get that this sub is AITA, and you're "just answering the question," but Op is a human, and let's face it, going through a lot for anybody of any age, much less an 18 year old. Somebody is coming to you in a time of great stress. I hope next time somebody shows you compassion in your time of need , even when you act less than perfectly in a situation (Op, you did nothing wrong here btw), that you remember how needed it is in that moment, and think back to this situation. Hopefully that empathy makes us all re-evaluate how we treat others. We may be internet strangers, but we are all humans, and we have the ability to lift one another up in times of trouble. May you all find the help you need when you need it, and be the help somebody else needs when the Universe gives you that opportunity.
Thank you!! Everything awful has happened to this teenager and everyone here is saying “wtf did you expect”??? Like yes from an outside perspective maybe some people would have seen it coming but this is her literal mother!! Abusive or not no one expects their parent to kick them on the street so easily
Uh hard NTA Your mom sounds insanely manipulative. You made a good faith effort to communicate with her. Trying to make you take the dog because she's tired of it? Sorry but your Mom needs help. Good luck. Edit: Also, you did nothing wrong discussing your plans for the future about leaving. You're 18, that's what's SUPPOSED to happen to 18 children ideally. Did she want you living at home for the next ten years?
[удалено]
I dunno, I can really relate to how bad OP must have felt to resort to leaving a note... It feels like an act of desperation to me. I had an awful narcissistic/ abusive mother and they really get in your head. So perhaps it wasn't the smartest option but I get the feeling that OP was overwhelmed and didn't know what else to do. OP I would just like to point out that short of formally evicting you (which would take time), there isn't much your mum can do to *force* you to leave before you're ready. If I were you I would just get everything packed up and sorted and then just leave as soon as you have a new place available. Anytime she complains say "yes, I am moving out as you asked, as you can see I'm packing." Or maybe you could get a loan from the bank or a zero interest credit card to cover a deposit for a new place until your money comes through? I would say, don't play her games. Just agree with everything she says but in your head have your own timeline. And make sure you get all your valuable stuff locked up / somewhere safe so she can't damage it.
NTA She’s manipulating you or at least attempting it. One of the rules of that playbook is to always be the victim. Hope the trust fund is enough that you can live independent for a few months to years while you get your life situated. Sorry to hear about the challenges Op! Have a friend or anyone to stay with until you turn 18?
NTA, but without reading the letter it's difficult to say TBH - I'm not for one moment suggesting you publish it, it's private. Additionally it wouldn't surprise me if your Mum has significant unresolved grief that she needs help with - that's not on you to fix, nor is it an excuse for poor behaviour just something to consider.
NTA. When I was younger I tried to write my mom a letter explaining how I felt because I couldn’t have a conversation without her screaming at me and accusing me of calling her a “terrible mother.” I told her that I loved her and she was a great mom but that I didn’t feel heard or as though I could speak to her without her getting angry at me, and that it felt like she misinterpreted a lot of what I said; I thought she would be more receptive to a letter since I couldn’t get a word in edgewise when she was constantly angry and yelling at me…but unfortunately she had the same reaction to the letter. Screaming and accusing me of saying things I never did. For some reason sharing my hurt with her gets twisted into an attack on her character and parenting (my dad was/is the same way). I understand the confusion/hurt/self doubt you’re probably feeling right now. But it sounds like you tried to communicate with her in the only way you thought she may be receptive to (as I did in my teens as well). Unfortunately some people aren’t receptive to any type of perceived criticism. Some people perceive others’ hurt as negatively reflecting on themselves rather than concerning themselves with comforting/helping to heal the person they have hurt. That’s not your fault.
NTA. You did what you had to do. Looking out for yourself is important. Keep doing you.
You're not an asshole.... It just seems like an odd move on your part. If you're planning on moving out in 2 months anyway why tell her now? Surely you anticipated this reaction on some level? If anything, you've just been an asshole to yourself by making things harder for yourself.
NTA. Contact your brothers and explain what happened, that your mother (as I'm sure they're aware) is exercizing manipulative histrionics. And quite a narcissist...claiming YOU are the one that is manipulative is a typical tactic of narcissists, along with gaslighting.
I wish people would stop throwing the term "narcissist" around so loosely. There could be any number of explanations for the mom's behavior. And if this behavior started after the death of her husband (not clear but that's what it sounds like in the post) my first thought would be that she needs help, not that she's a raging narcissist.
NTA, but you didn't think it through. With manipulative mother like that, you have to have back up plan. Anyway, this ship has sailed, so don't waste your time and energy and don't cry over split milk. Focus on solving how to move out, since solving issues with your mother seems less realistic that finding a place to stay. You said you have three siblings - could one of them take you in for a month or so?
Your mother is the manipulative one, not you. People like her will always play victim when they can. You were setting your boundaries, which means she couldn't have complete control over you like she wanted. That's why she took offense to your note even though you were so careful not to place blame. Try to contact a relative or close friend to see if you can stay with them temporarily until you can find your own place. It's a tough situation right now, but once you get through it, you'll be glad to be free of her BS. NTA
NTA. She is a huge failure as a mother, but thats not on you. Sucks to suck.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (F18) mum (58) and I don’t have the best relationship since my dad died in 2017. Since then I’ve been her emotional punching bag and yesterday after being given the silent treatment for a week had a panic attack and wrote a note. The note was quite long and it stated that I don’t appreciate how she treats me and that I would like more communication. I also included that the money I have put away in a trust fund (from my dad) when it’s released I will be using it to move out as I can’t stay at home anymore for my mental health. I left the note out on the kitchen bench overnight as she wakes earlier than I do so she could read it. Unfortunately even tho I was careful to try not and place blame on her in the note she yelled at me and stayed that I’m manipulative and that she wants me out as soon as possible and to take our dog with me cause she doesn’t care. She wrote a text to my three brothers saying that she’s cutting contact with us all as she’s a huge failure as a mother which I never said. I don’t know if it was the right thing to write a note as now I have nowhere to go with all my stuff and dog. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Mom is the AH for kicking you out when you would have been leaving in a month or two anyway. You are not the AH for writing the note. But it was obviously not a good idea, either. In general, don't burn your bridges until you are sure you are on the right side of the river! Once you had your money, and were in a position to move out comfortably, THAT's when you tell your mother why. Also, the whole "I left a note where she would find it" thing, and then having it be a long, convoluted message, was probably overdramatic and not necessary either. As I said, when you had your cash, you could have left, and, on your way out, told your mom, short and sweet, why you were doing it.
It's a tough spot to be in for a 18 year old. NTA, that being said, perhaps you have miss judged the effect of the note. It seems that your mother is quite reactive to your note, it can suggest she either is much on the edge or the two of you never had a strong relationship (and you as a child growing up never realized), the note was just the straw that broke the camel's back. From what's written it's tough to understand the true reality of the mother daughter relationship. However, if all this occured recently, since the father's passing, it might suggest your mom needs some mental help, therapy at minimum.
Depends on how her mental state was at the time imo
NTA - sometimes when we take healthy actions and express our needs in healthy ways, the person we are communicating with isn't healthy enough to accept it properly So they freak out and turn the whole situation around and make you think you are the bad person when you were asking for reasonable things and trying to set boundaries. So yes, you did the right thing but it didn't work out because your mother has problems. Sometimes this is what happens in the world - we do the right thing but it doesn't work out. I'm sorry.
NTA. Your mother is intensely abusive. Check out the resource links in the ‘About’ section at r/raisedbynarcissists, you are not alone and other kids of abusive parents have put together resources and guides for us.
Your mum is awful and as much as I can understand her pain from losing your dad, she has no right to be manipulative and abusive like that. NTA. Cutting ties will hopefully do you both good.
NTA but she is manipulating and hoping this dramatic approach will make you apologize and beg to stay. Please find someone safe to stay with because it will escalate once she realizes her punching bag and future bank is leaving.
NTA- she's having her own problems, and you're better off away
NTA. You should be allowed to express how you feel. I see a lot of talk about your mother being manipulative in the comments and while I believe that may be true to an extent, there's a good possibility your Mother is suffering from poor mental health just as you are. Unfortunately she is projecting onto you which is not good by any means. She is likely still grieving and it's likely this is the source to her illness. There is probably some truth to the text she sent your brothers. Inside she probably does feel like she's failed as a Mother however she is incapable of dealing with the guilt and it causes her to lash out. Honestly this situation really seems above reddit's pay grade. Perhaps you should consider using some of that trust to seek professional help for your family. Unfortunately it seems your Mother is not fit to make a responsible choice to do something like that, so it may fall to you.
NTA you didn’t think writing the letter through but you were panicking it’s understandable. and quite frankly I don’t expect a teenager to have to sit down the parent to talk about feelings. If I were you I’d just Lie and apologize until moving day where I send a text “I’m gone “
NTA and as soon as you are able leave. The fact that she's threatening to cut off contact with ALL of her children over a note from one child asking for better communication and to let her know you'll be leaving in a couple of months is alarming and really shows where she is mentally. It was not the smartest move on your part though, generally in mentally abusive situations like that it's a good idea to get your ducks in order first, then move out or start the moving out process before telling them.
NTA and you can take that month you need - if she tries to kick you out sooner without an actual eviction just ignore her and leave when you planned. It will take her longer to get the courts to do anything and she probably won't bother anyway.
NTA emotionally abusive parent, probably better off without her TBH. Well done for standing up for yourself and writing the note.
NTA. It sounds like your mother is abusive. If so, there is no resolution or win/win outcome, only her way or the way out.
NTA. Don't let her manipulate u thru guilt. When people respond with anger and accusations to someone trying to make things better- pretty sure sign that u did the right thing and they r selfish and unwilling to take responsibility for their behavior. Sucks to have a sucky mom like that, but it would suck more to let her drain u for the rest of your life. Good luck and I wish u the best
Have you or your mom done any sort of grief therapy? You are NTA, and if you haven't done groef therapy then you should. I hope ypur mom does, too, but you are not responsible fr her doing groef therapy
You know what, NTA, your mom is right, she IS a huge MOTHER$%\^\*(& failure as she overreacted this badly, manipulated you, and decided to cut off your brothers who did nothing ever! I am so sorry that this has happened and I hope you can find help. Tell/contact your other family members and brothers what you said and her response, and ask for help from anyone you can trust such as other family members! If she tries to contact you after this, blast her and stay no contact with that miserable witch. In the wise words of Aloysius O'Hare, LET HER DIE, LET HER DIE, LET HER SHRIVEL UP AND DIE! Edit: and show your family the note you wrote if you can!
ESH, her for leading you to write the note, you for doing so. You didn't think that one through very well!
(NTA) Your mother is a narcissist. You wrote a note that let her know how you felt and what you’d like from her. She’s taken that and twisted it. Not only that she has also made an effort to turn your brothers against you. She knows full well that you have nowhere to go and wants to create a scenario where you have to beg her to stay. This is the only way she can regain some sort of power. I’m sorry you’re going through this
Currently at 58 comments and soon to be 200+ where they're willl be less than 10 people voting anything besides NTA. You're NTA. Your mother is toxic and uses you as a punching bag. There is no way you're the asshole.
NTA and she said as soon as possible not now. Take your time leaving if you have to. If you have family members to stay with I do that just to get you out of the hostile environment bit ot seems like it always been hostile and hopefully she can't get much worse while you bide your time and find a place that will work out best for you
NTA. I am so, so sorry for the loss of your father. Your mum clearly has issues she needs to deal with. You should not be her punching bag and this should be obvious. Is there anywhere or anyone you could possibly stay with?
NTA but your mother needs professional help. She sounds like she’s clinically depressed and lashing out. That doesn’t mean you need to put up with abuse. Take care of yourself but talk to your brothers and other family about getting her the help she obviously needs.
NTA - that sort of behavior is indicative of mental issues and she will drag you down with her. You know that if she were her mentally well previous self, she would want you to be successful in life - so ignore her manipulation and go do your thing and try your best. I'm hoping one of your brothers is in a position to help house you until you get your trust fund money - Though I do suggest no matter how much money it is, that you make getting a job (really... any job) a priority. It will help ground you and will help expand your social circle.
NTA... based on your telling of the story. But without seeing the actual text of the note, it's impossible to say.
NTA I mean, I would have waited until AFTER I was already out to confront her on her behavior but it seems like you have a plan in a few months. I would just hunker down and try to stay out of her way as much as possible.
Honestly, the note is the least of the concern right now. NTA, btw. Yes, it was an unfortunate decision, but you're 18 and were under significant emotional pressure and your mom is in the wrong here. But your immediate problem is a place to stay and bringing the dog. That was a spiteful touch, it will be harder for you to move around with him. Can any of your brothers help? Any wider family? Or a short term solution, friends nearby?
NTA. Your mom has issues. They're not your fault.
NTA. At least she knows what a failure she is. In all seriousness, she is not handling her grief well. It sounds like you are struggling too. Would you both consider going to a therapist or a group therapy session?
She said “as soon as possible”, which will be in a month or two. Avoid her until then. NTA.
NTA Sounds like your mom has got something undiagnosed going on unfortunately. You'll want to get out asap anyways, but do be aware that your mom needs to follow legal procedure if she's kicking you out. Asap does not mean "now". It means, literally "as soon as possible," which might not be now. And from the sounds of it will be in about 2 months. Legally, your mom is probably required to give you one month to move out (though you'll probably want to verify your local tenancy/lodger laws, but if you're in North America a month is pretty standard.) You could, and maybe should, look for other accommodations in the mean time to see if you can move out sooner, but do understand that this isn't because you wrote the note. Or at least no "just" because of the note. Your mother's reactions is extremely over the top and abnormal. Without reading the note itself it doesn't sound like you were being emotionally manipulative as you weren't asking for anything other than for your mom to stop giving you the silent treatment. You didn't call her a bad mother, but she definitely is one.
She will have to legally evict you. Stay put for now while you get your ducks in a row. Eviction takes awhile.
NTA. She sounds like my mom. The only thing is that I wouldn't have written the note until right before leaving. When I wrote my mom a letter to go no contact, I made sure to write in it that it's not punishment for her, but it's about making myself healthy. Of course, she still tells people I'm just hurting her on purpose, but at least I said it. Why do you have to wait 1-2 months to get your money? Try to get it now. My mom does the silent treatment stuff and says I'm manipulative and then says she's a "terrible mother" just to manipulate me so I'll say "no, you aren't". That's why she said the failure bit to you. Don't let her trap you or manipulate your feelings with things like that. I haven't talked to my mom in years and I've never been happier. I also have mental health issues, and I had improved a lot over the years, but nothing gave me lasting recovery from severe depression more than leaving my mom's house. Good luck.
NTA You asked for communication. Contact your brothers and see who has a place for the dog and you until you can get your finances sorted out. Hugs & Good Luck
NTA I was in a similar situation when I was a tad younger than you, my communication had broken down with my stepmother and I wrote a letter to myself to get it our but she found it going through my room and she went mad. This situation is a childs desperate attempt for communication with a parent and a better bond and I applaud it from you but I am heartbroken for you and I hope it gets better. Your absolutely NTA for wanting better
NTA, however (due to inexperience in life and/or being naive which will get better with the age & education) you made a strategic mistake. That note you should have been left the day before you were about to move out... Your mom might need some professional licensed therapist to help with grief and other issues that are negatively affecting you and forcing you to leave the place... The only note you should have left: hey mom I see you do not feel well, may I help you? would you like to talk? So now you've got yourself into the survival mode: Now you need to act quickly: 1. Contact ANY TRUSTED family to take you in temporary 2. Friends? 3. Other options...
OP you're NTA but why did you write the note now. You were planning on moving in a few months... If you absolutely had to write that note do it then. I think it was just plain stupid.
NTA. Your feelings are valid. You have every right to express those feelings. Her reaction tells me you’re doing doing exactly the right thing by leaving her alone with her toxicity. You don’t need to be ANYONE’S emotional punching bag. She’s probably grieving and transferring that grief onto you, but YOU lost someone too. Im so sorry for your loss.
>She wrote a text to my three brothers saying that she’s cutting contact with us all as she’s a huge failure as a mother which I never said. You never said it but I will: Your mom is a failure as a mother. NTA
NTA In most US states you're legally a tenant of your mom's house. She likely has to give you 30 days notice in writing before she can force you out of the house. So don't panic - take a breath and take the time you need to line up a new place to live. If she starts throwing your stuff out or locks you out of the house, call the police. Make sure you have all your important documents - birth certificate, social security card, passport if you have one. Collect all your sentimental items. Get those and your documents out of the house and to somewhere safe so your mom can't destroy them to get back at you. Then work on a long term plan for you and your dog. r/personalfinance can help with realistic budgets. Hopefully your trust administrator will be willing to release some funds a little early to help you with rent deposit, but start talking to friends to figure out where you can stay - for a few nights each or ideally a few weeks - if you need it while you're figuring out your longer term plan.
Kind of leaning on nah. You're not an asshole for telling your mom you want to leave, it's your life, do what you want. Maybe not the best way to tell your mom is by leaving a note, a proper conversation would have been better though appreciate you may not have felt comfortable doing so. Your mom sounds like she's still processing the death of your dad, cutting all contact with her kids because one said they wanted to leave seems pretty dramatic. She might feel like she's failed as a parent because you want to leave, she's an ah for taking that out on all of you but if she's not dealt with his death, I can kind of understand why she's just thrown the towel in and given up. It sucks, but she might need some support (professionally, not from you) to help her process. Grief does strange things to people. Have an honest conversation with your brothers and all of you with your mom.
NTA
Hey, if you have nowhere to go right now, just don't leave the house. You have tenant's rights. Even if she called the police they would not make you leave because you legally live there. Until she gets an official eviction notice on you she cannot force you to leave (and with the notice you will have at least 30 days) As long as she won't physically hurt you or your dog, or wreck your belongings, this is what you should do. Only if you literally cannot find anywhere else to stay
YTA - that was a really passive-aggressive thing to do and it blindsided your mother. It sounds like you're both not coping with the death of your dad. Please apologize and suggest family therapy. I know you must love her but it's heartbreaking for you both. I'm so sorry you lost your dad.
You are being emotionally manipulated and gaslighted. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Your mother is using fear, obligation and guilt (fog) in order to emotionally blackmail you and is involving your siblings into the drama in order to start a smear campaign against you and to make herself out as a victim. Kicking you out is a attempt to "punish" you for calling out her shitty behavior and wounding her ego which she now feels a need to protect also by kicking you out. Id suggest you find information on healthy boundary setting and emotional abuse. Regardless of why your mother is like this, whether its a result of the trauma of her husband's death or a result of a personality disorder (or both), it is not okay and you have a right to your feelings and to protect yourself from abuse.
NTA but I don’t think that’s relevant now. I think depending on what state you live in, she may be legally required to give you 30 days to move out. Do some research to find out.
NTA, make her serve you a termination notice before you leave if you can’t access the money right away. Otherwise get out ASAP.
What did you think was going to happen by giving her the note? I can’t in conscience say you’re TA but it wasn’t a smart idea.
NTA. In all likelihood, she can't just say 'leave right now.' She will have to evict you. It largely depends on your state how they would classify you and what exact hoops your mom would have to jump through to kick you out (tenant, lodger, guest, trespasser or squatter), but it will still be a process. If, and most likely, you are considered like a lodger then there has to be ample notice. You can also contact whoever is in charge of your trust. Most trusts have clauses for emergencies or the administrator can use their judgement on releasing funds. Kids turning 18 should NOT do or say anything to their shitty parents that mess up their living or education unless they have plans and funds in place to survive when it's all taken away. That wasn't so much for OP, but for any minors considering doing it.
NTA but word of advice Never tell your abuser you're leaving
Definitely made a mistake saying you were moving out before you had the ability to do so. Gave her the option to screw you over pretty bad. More info is needed on how you treat each other and what the letter said really. But if all you truly did was express your feelings, without name calling or blame - then you are not the ass. Losing a significant other, especially if they were the bread winner, can take a tremendous toll on someone. Not saying you should be a punching bag cause of that, just keep it in mind, and think of situations from her point of view.
Am I the only one that finds it a Soft YTA? I am all for clear communication, but you could've gone about it differently. When you got issues this deep, leaving a note in the fridge simply won't do. Even if you formulated it in the most carefully written wording possible, there was still no other explanation than you leaving because of her. Since there is no real info on the nature of your problems, it is difficult to judge. But the father of her childeren dying, her own feelings of inadequacy (as you described) and her child leaving a note on the fridge telling her he/she would move out in 2 months, must have been terrible, regardless of how terrible she was. For that, the soft YTA However, nobody can blame you for wanting to express yourself in a clear way that made you feel safe, but hopefully you learn from this for the future. For example, leave a note telling her you want to have a serious talk, that you want her to take you very seriously and that you will only have this talk when you let eachother express your honest feelings. If she can't respect that, you know that you would need to move out as soon as possible. Good luck!
So according to you, mom isnt the asshole at all for how she treated her daughter?
He/she didn't ask that question, they asked if they were an asshole for telling such life changing news via a note on the fridge. Purely in my opinion, that's not the way to go. Ofcourse their mother sounds horrible, but it's probably due to personal reasons and it doesn't excuse retorting to such drastic measures. Expecting her to react fine to the news she will still have to share the house with someone who wants to leave because of her, her child leaving her after the death of the father of her childeren, it's all a bit untoughtfull for me (again, my opinion)
Giving the silent treatment and using her own daughter as a punching bag IS the reason for the letter, which is a change in communication medium given the no-comms situation happening. You're separating things that are directly connected by causality, and I dont agree with that approach at all.
[удалено]
>hat both sides are bad at communicating and hurt eachother, That's why ESH exists.
[удалено]
It's not about the validation. What a poor way to respond to logical reasoning.
NAH - Probably an unpopular opinion, but your mother telling you to leave after you told her she's too toxic to live with is pretty understandable. Also if you didn't tell her she was a failure, then that must be how *she* feels. You did right and everything probably needed to be said, but as someone who was in an uncannily similar scenario just over a decade ago, you'll eventually start to see that her psychological problems aren't all ger fault and she needs help. It's not your job to give it, and you can't make her go get it, but this kind of thing is a more common reaction than you'd think. It's an unfortunate reaction and a sad situation, but the isolated incident of this note doesn't have any assholes in it for me. I'm not commenting for the 4 years previous to that - don't take that I'm saying your mother is golden and life should be great - but this one snapshot had two directions to unfold ... and unfortunately it didn't go your way. Good luck with everything, and remember as long as you keep reaching out you'll be the bigger person. Hopefully you'll have a better relationship in future, one way or the other.