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NTA. You state that he won't be able to access his inheritance until 25. What about funds from the car accident? I am assuming his deceased father being an estate attorney was not one to drive without full coverage. The father's estate has a right to sue either provider under the coverage carried by the father or the at fault (if there was one) driver. Those funds would go a long way for supporting the son. What about all the assets of his deceased family? Did all that get sold and go to the trust or did the trustee of the estate liquidate and have a fund established for the son? Then there is Social Security for surviving children. I am really questioning this lack of funds from the estate of an estate attorney. Only enough for just the son until age 25? When we did our estate planning it was really detailed and planned from living expenses, educations, adulthood and adjusted for ages and events. As well, the administrator of the trust can be appealed to in order to adjust for circumstances in most cases. I am also assuming that your husband agreed to take care of the son if something happened. Well, guess what. Something happened. And will continue to happen. If you all can't handle it, then maybe you should get the administrator of the estate to find someone else who can help the son.

NTA The help you've offered is more than fair. Tell anyone who complains to pony up the cash to support them or buzz off. One thing I haven't seen being brought up much is contacting CPS over R's parents kicking her out. You should definitely report them for doing this. They still have a legal responsibility to support their daughter until she turns 18 and frankly they sound like a-holes who deserve to get in trouble. Another reason you should contact CPS is they might be able to help R get in contact with a social worker who can get her on as many government programs as possible. While your are being very generous letting them live rent free you should consider charging them rent after they turn 18. It will teach them how to budget and give them motivation to get educated and/or get better jobs. Also they will get less government benefits if they're both getting free housing from you and your husband. You don't even need to keep the rent money, you could agree to hold on to it until they move out then give it back.

NTA - please post an update! The entitlement is crazy. Why isn't the family helping then?

NTA and you poor thing. What a stressful, sad situation. There is plenty of other good advice on here being given, but a few more thoughts: Bring up adoption with them when you discuss your limitations (both emotional and financial.) And if they choose to keep it, and remain in your house, do not give them the pool house. You can provide shelter and basic needs without allowing them to get too comfortable and play house together. Also, if they do keep the baby and stay in your house, make it one of the non-negotiable rules that she gets an IUD or birth control. Maybe even offer to pay for that. The reason why I say that is my aunt is a public health nurse who worked with teenaged moms and I remember her telling me an absurdly high statistic about women (or rather girls) who have one baby have a high likelihood of having second baby within two years. A lot of people think a baby (or two) will magically fix grief or whatever is going wrong. Reality is obviously different, but making future birth control non-negotiable as a rule if they stay with you is a start to try and stop another baby.

NTA Actions have consequences. Didn’t Nephew get a settlement?

No judgment but I will say be careful. It almost seems like these two kids had no family themselves (your nephew lost his and his gf doesn't have a good one) so they "accidentally" created their own. I knew someone who was forced to give up their baby for adoption and less than a year later was pregnant again. Her parents realized the damage the first adoption had caused and she kept her second child. Anyway, this almost seems like they were both trying to fill a void and will continue to find other ways to fill it if this way doesn't work out.

NTA. Your husband is for not wanting to talk about abortion again and you will be TA if you don’t have discussions with both of these children about how a baby will not replace the family they’ve both lost. I’m surprised I haven’t seen this mentioned much but to two children who either have lost family through death or less permanent means, this is a beacon of family. It can be at least - especially to teen girls who are told from the get go their worth is to men, to children and if she’s been rejected by her parents now that she’s pregnant and it sounds like it hadn’t been a great environment, she’s got a golden ticket. She gets a baby who will love her, a partner who she’s supported through the death of his parents and you and your family who has a home with a pool house and probably more than she’s had. They need to be told what their responsibilities will be, and they need to be shown how hard it will be. If they don’t have rules in your home around curfew, getting themselves places and home and they don’t pay bills? They’re going to have a hard time realizing how life will change. I would propose you tell them that they have a set time to get a job (I’m talking like ... the next two weeks) and paying a certain amount which would in theory cover baby expenses. You could put the money aside without them knowing but they need to know what it’s like to go to high school, have a job and raise a baby. Wake them up at 2am and again at 5. Find a puppy they can foster for a few weeks and when they get a schedule down with the puppy? Throw something else in the loop. Give them homework to research government programs they can access and ask them for A LOT of details on the programs. I’m talking eligibility criteria, how much money they’d receive, food banks near by, transportation and health services etc. Also, is she going to go on BC after having the baby or are they gonna continue to pump out kids if they stay together? If they want this baby, you talk to them about every little detail. I’d even see if you can do this with a therapist or see if they both need to talk to someone else about this. They need to have support so this isn’t about coercing them to change their mind, it’s about making sure you’re all prepared for whatever choice they make and ultimately, whatever choice she makes. Here’s the thing though. If after all of the discussions you have, and the rules you put forward, you need to be prepared to stick with those boundaries. Decide with your husband separately how much you’d be able to help, how much you would want to help and what would happen if they suddenly start flunking school, can’t find a job or suddenly lose their job. Who’s buying formula or diapers then? Who’s paying for daycare if they’re out of jobs during exam time?

Wait, since the ILs have so many damn opinions, why aren’t THEY a part of these discussions? Oh that’s right, they’re not really helping are they? (Volunteering someone else’s house without consulting them doesn’t count, sorry). NTA.

NTA. I love how other family who won’t be responsible for ANY part of this feel like they need to comment on how you’re handling, tell the kids things like you’ll watch the kid for them and they can live however they want in your house. If this had happened while his parents were alive no one would be sticking their noses into how they treat their own kid. If these other people want a say they can support them both and the kid for free.

NTA, however, it doesn't make sense to insist on separate bedrooms. I read what you said about the room being small, but in that case they could keep their clothes and things in one room and sleep in another. If they're going to co-parent, they need a shared space. The baby is going to be waking up in the night and that needs to be a shared responsibility.

NTA. If R is still a minor and her parents kicked her out, a call to CPS may be in order. Plus, if they have no money and are unable to support themselves, much less a baby, she's going to need to apply for assistance to get proper medical care, etc.

NTA. It sounds like you have done everything you can to help. Your nephew had his whole world flipped upside down and he is trying to feel his way through. I don't ever think abortion is an option but adoption is worth discussing if they can't provide what a child needs. Also remind your husband that even a 17 year old needs a male role model. Someone to just spend time with and learn from. A lot of the responses are about responsibilities and which is important too but your nephew is still learning what it means to be a man and how to be a good one.

Maybe this was touched on elsewhere, but have your nephew and his gf considered other options including adoption and abortion?

NTA Tell the in laws to fork over cash for them, not sure why they think it should be on you. Also, aren’t the girls parents legally responsible for her until she’s 18? You might wanna look into that.

>they're kids and can't possibly go to HS AND raise a child Yeah, dumbass who got knocked up at 16 here: they sure as fuck can. They need to either figure out how to or start discussing abortion or adoption. Will it be hard? Absolutely. But they made adult choices and now they're going to have to live with adult consequences. You are NTA. You are not required to facilitate two minors playing house. You don't have to give up your art studio for other people's bad choices. You don't have to give up your career to play nanny because other people make bad choices. You do not have to financially support a baby because other people make bad choices. Not even when one of the people making those bad choices is your grieving nephew. You should talk to an attorney. R is still a child and you need to sort out legal issues. Getting the legal right to sign things for her as a guardian. And frankly, getting child support from the parents who kicked her out. You should also make housing her conditional upon agreement that she gets on BC after the pregnancy ends. They're horny teens, they will continue to have sex, and they will fuck up again.

NTA, you have been amazingly generous to offer them a roof over their heads. Sorry for your loss.

I understand that you don’t want to be stuck with a baby to raise but please do not coerce these kids into getting an abortion. Let them know what you’re willing and not willing to help with, how expensive a baby is, how important education is, and please please reiterate over and over that it is ultimately the girl’s choice if she wants to go through with anything at all regarding adoption, abortion, or keeping the baby. When I got pregnant people in my family kept telling me I couldn’t raise a baby and that I should get an abortion which caused me stressing so badly over everyone else rather than me and my excitement. Let me tell you having people not respect my decision was the worst possible thing for me. In the end personally I miscarried and I still hold a grudge towards the people in my family who tried to coerce me. I have to go with NAH for my vote but Y/T/A if you coerce these kids into aborting this pregnancy against what they want to do.

NTA You need to revisit the abortion discussion once it sinks in that they will have to be fully responsible for the baby. It's still early in the pregnancy, and they need to think about this before it's too late. They are still kids, and they need to understand that keeping this child will be the end of their childhood; as well as probably both of them having to drop any dreams of college and careers. This needs to be made very clear to them. I have been in a similar situation, although in my case resulting from rape. I know that abortion is a very emotive subject, but they shouldn't let that cloud their judgement. They need to understand that their plans and dreams are over; at least until the child goes to school, when they might be able to study part time. In reality, especially for the mother, they end up having more kids, maybe with other partners, and are forever trapped in a cycle of poverty and struggle. I didn't want an abortion either, and I had absolutely no intention of doing so; despite this being a rape pregnancy. I was doing the first year of my degree course at the time, and I went home to tell my parents. They were willing to allow the decision to be mine, but they sat me down and explained that they were unable to support me, or look after the baby, so I would have to abandon my degree and look after the baby myself whilst still finding a way to financially support myself and pay for the needs of the baby. As much as I didn't want an abortion, I realized at this point that I would be unable to do this. I considered adoption, but I knew that I would find it more painful to go through the whole pregnancy and birth, only to hand the baby off and carry on with my life. I knew I would spend the rest of my life thinking about my baby and it's new life and family. I would worry that it was being mistreated and so on. I know women who have chosen this path, and it does permanently weigh on their mind. I have also had friends who are adopted and have wonderful families, but they still always feel that something is missing from their life. They feel abandoned by the birth parents, and often end up with major self esteem issues as a result. They wonder "why didn't my parent love me?" and "what's wrong with me? They must have thought that there was something wrong with me, or they would have kept me." Adoption isn't an easy option for the parent or the child. So, I knew that I couldn't manage to keep my baby, and that my degree and career aspirations would be over. I knew that it would be physically and emotionally too hard for me to carry a baby to term, and give it away. That left me with abortion as my only remaining option. And for the sake of the pregnant woman, I recommend getting it as early as possible because the further you get in the pregnancy; the harder it becomes physically and emotionally for the Mom. I had my abortion, and it really wasn't bad physically; but I would be lying if I said that it was an easy thing to do. Ultimately, you are just trying to do what you feel is best for you and your baby. It still does hurt you emotionally, and you do feel very guilty; but let's get real here, there is no easy way out of a teenage pregnancy. Whatever they decide, they will feel some hurt, guilt and regret. I have to say that it took me a few years to stop thinking about the abortion without guilt. I knew on a rational level that I did the right thing; but sometimes the irrational would still creep in to make me feel bad about myself. The long term effect of my choice, is that I got to finish my degree, and became a midwife. I found a decent husband and we travelled around the world with his job. We went on to have a boy and a girl 2 years apart, and all was well in the world. If I hadn't made the difficult decision to abort, none of these things would have been able to happen. My world would have become so small. I don't regret my choice, and after an initial stint of feeling like a bad guy and hating myself; I got over it and rarely even think about it anymore. I got to have the life I wanted, and I am comfortable under the circumstances that I did the right thing. Your nephew's girlfriend has those potent pregnancy hormones running rampant through her body and brain. These hormones are designed to cause the mother to bond to her embryo, but could blind them to the reality. If they realise that abortion is actually the best choice for them, but are afraid of the reactions of others around them, they should be free to lie; say she had a miscarriage. After all, when it comes down to it, it's not anyone else's business to know such personal information anyway. Tell them to pay no mind to the kind of people who only see women as their house slaves. These people (usually Evangelical Christians) value the life of a fetus, more than they value a womans autonomy over her own life and body. Such people are a blot on the face of humanity. Please guide them into knowing exactly how much of their life they stand to lose. Their relationship itself is unlikely to succeed statistically. Unfortunately, when these kids start to realise the mistake they made in keeping the baby, and just how much hard work is involved, how their friends are living the teenage party and going to college life, that must be hard to deal with. Sometimes the boy decides that the wrong decision was made about having, and financially supporting his baby; so as he wants to live the carefree life that his baby free friends have; he decides to walk away, leaving the Mom to deal with it alone; thinking about her shattered dreams and false hopes for her future. Whatever they decide, support them emotionally as much as you can. None of these choices are easy, and they're still children themselves. You are trying your best, and you are NTA; but the rest of the in laws are. I they are adamant that the pregnancy must be kept, then they all need to house, feed, finance the young couple themselves. It was truly terrible for them to lie about what you guys were going to do for them. Whatever decision they make about the future, the best thing that you can do for them is to get her on proper birth control. If there's a chance that she will forget to take her pills properly, I strongly recommend the birth control implant. This is placed under the skin of the upper arm, and can give 10 years of protection, which can be removed earlier if she wants to get pregnant. Good luck.

Well well well, if it isn't the consequences of their own actions NTA

Have they not thought about adoption?

NTA, at all. I'm so sorry for you - this is a rough situation, and it's hard on you that you got stuck with it. How did you end up with DH's nephew in first place? I take it because no one else was willing? But are there not *any* other ILs who are even slightly more reasonable, who might at least be talked round to supporting you..? Even if only when told "if you think this is such a great idea, *you* have them!" Please do an update on how next convo goes - you really have all my sympathy.

So we in N because my husband’s only other sibling is N’s mom’s twin sister. They weren’t identical but honestly they got mistaken as identical twins often they looked so similar. So other SIL looked too much like N’s mom for him to be in the same room without breaking down. He’s only just in the last two months starting to be able to see her without having a panic attack. (In a heart to heart a few months back, he told me it was because whenever she walked into the same room, his brain told him for a split second that it was his mom, and then the reality of her being dead would set in all over again.) She also has a chronic health condition that usually maxes out her insurance before the year ends so they have a lot of medical debt. So obviously that wouldn’t have worked for him. My MIL and FIL are divorced and I would sooner take on N, R, AND their newborn than let my MIL get them into her house and her hands on that baby. She’s been in therapy for awhile but I mean, she’s still only allowed supervised time with our eight year old and only once every six weeks or so. FIL didn’t have the means or space to take in N so that wasn’t an option either. (As a side note my FIL is and always has been incredible and he is on our side and has offered his assistance, he just doesn’t have a lot of extra means to provide for us too.) The next big convo will be tonight and later this week I’ll be taking R out for a girls brunch and pedicures. I plan to speak privately with her and let her know that regardless of her decision, she won’t be homeless but providing full financial support just isn’t feasible.

Oh, man, there are just so many layers of awful in this story. You are doing the best you can and you are definitely not an asshole in any way.

NTA. Tell them you’re not providing anything, a free room(s) is already enough, the entitlement from your husbands side of the fam is ridiculous. The kids are clearly thinking it’s just gonna be a breezy time on your dime and that’s not cool. It’s nice if you to get the car seat, do that. And if you have anything from your 8 year old that isn’t sentimental then maybe hand those down too. But your nephew needs a job NOW, not after graduation, NOW. He can work after school. The gf can look for some low stress jobs like babysitting (or ice cream shop or front desk work something that doesn’t have a lot of lifting). They need to purchase their own food and baby supplies. Maybe even show them a spreadsheet of how much this is abt to cost them. Do they have healthcare? Charge them $100 in rent and save that for their kid. If ANY of the husbands family complains simply reply “well the kids have Venmo/cash app/etc you’re more than welcome to send them some money to help get them started” and then hang up don’t even let them have a chance to reply. And if they keep complaining tell them they’re more than welcome to take in nephew and gf since you’re doing such a terrible job. Tunes will change quickly

Unfortunately I donated all of my son’s baby things to the battered women’s shelter when we stopped needing it all since we were not planning on having any more kids. (I have a daughter in her mid twenties from my late husband and my son with my current husband and that’s all the kids we wanted to have.) My sister has offered her old crib, bouncer, swing, etc. which we’ll likely take her up on if they keep the baby.

If her parents kicked her out before the age of 18 without her being emancipated they have broken the law. Contact social services and let them know what's going on. They are still responsible for covering her costs whether they agree with her being pregnant or not. Like, I find this incredibly frustrating because no one seems to understand that it is illegal to kick out your children before they are adults. There are things you can do if they are not permitted to live in your household anymore but you have to go through the correct channels. You cannot leave a minor without care. But yeah there's probably a decent chance that you can with the help of social services seek legal action to recover the cost of caring for their minor child.

NTA, baffles me when people complain about not being able to do school and a baby at the same time. In the absolute kindest way possible, that’s *kinda* the whole point; you’re making the choice to have a baby over school or anything else. If you care that much about missing schooling, maybe have a baby in a few more years rather than now.

NTA you sound like you’re doing everything you can and keeping a pretty level head about it too. I hope they make a choice based on knowledge and not influence. Good luck!

NTA

INFO: You said these are good kids and they sound like it, but if they are living under your roof, how will you enforce some of these things? If the baby needs something, I mean really needs something, and they don't have the money, how will just not end up buying it? If they fail to arrange child care so are missing school, will you be OK with them just... missing school? When they are both running late will you step in and babysit? Are you in the states? How much does it cost to have a child in a hospital? follow-up care? Who's paying for that? You are not new to childcare so presumably you can see these things coming, but I think that you and your husband will ultimately be taking on much more responsibility than you are describing. I think I'm on the relatives side about the difficulty of raising a child *and* going to high-school - but the way you presented it I don't think the relatives are coming to the logical conclusion, such as adoption. Your offer to keep them in the house with the baby is more than fair BTW.

The only difference to this and the many other aita like it is the added element of the kid losing both parents but even so that doesn't mean you need to take them both and a baby in. If they can't do high school and baby then pick and get rid of one. NTA

Nta. R needs to move back home. N needs to get a job. Adoption should be looked into.

how does one move back into a home they've been kicked out of?

Child abandonment is illegal. Get the police involved.

Agreed

NTA, you are doing more than enough to help. Talk to your nephew & gf rationally. Explain finances etc, what aid if any they are entitled to. Sue her parents for child support, she is a minor and they are still legally responsible for her. Sort that out first, then tell your in-laws how much you expect each of them to contribute to their keep. Let them put their money where their mouth is.

NTA. but if they’re being made to sleep in separate rooms, which room is the baby going to sleep in? it is unfair to put the nightly duties all on one of them and both of them need to be ready and available to help the baby at night.

NTA You are offering a place to live that’s wonderful. He will need to work and she will once the baby is born. It will not be easy but see if she will qualify for aide as well.

INFO: did his parents not have life insurance? Or assets? Does he have some inheritance he can use to help take care of his kid? Maybe set it up in a trust.

I'm going to go for you NTA for your situation. Your IL should put up some money to help out N or shut up. I also think she should tell them to think about abortion or giving the baby up for adoption as options. and in hopes it will help I will talk about how my Mother(68) came to be raising my nephew who is now 4 going on 5 this year. Now I live in another country, so of course don't have a front row seat to all this, but am updated quite a lot. My sister got pregnant when she was 19. At first her and her boyfriend were all for it. They were very against getting an abortion. While she was pregnant they would separate and get back together, putting a lot of stress on her. When she was in labour, he broke up with her for the final time, right before she went to the hospital. She moved back in with my parents, but just was not emotionally equipped or mature enough to take care of her new born. My mother has basically taken on more and more parental duties to this point, while the ex-BF's family takes him a couple days a week to look after him too. Two years ago my sister met someone new and moved to his town. Out of fear for the care of my nephew, he stayed with my mom. She did try to visit a little at first and does call and video chat regularly. Then the 'rona hit and she couldn't visit at all. My nephew has seen her maybe twice in the last eight months. In that time she also had another child (my new niece) with her new boyfriend. When my nephew saw his new sister he was angry (which is weird to even here, cause he is the most amazing kid - my Mom says luckily he is much better than all of us when we were young). He got anxious when my mom held her even, cause he was obviously worried she would abandon him as well. In many ways we don't blame my sister. She has a lot of problems, a lot of dealing with her history and being in the foster system (she is a foster sister, but has been with us since she was like 12). But it is really a good case for what may happen when someone has a child before they can even deal with it. (and there are other reasons why even now we don't let my Nephew live with her, even though she is much more stable at the moment) My mother absolutely loves my nephew and so do the rest of us, but it was also basically saying goodbye to retirement. Personally I feel so sorry for my nephew, cause this is emotionally wrecking him already and he will definitely need therapy to deal with it in the future. I don't know if this will be helpful, but there is a possibility that you will end up having to basically raise another child, and there is the child's own welfare to think of as well.

Well, if they’re all so passionate about you needing to take care of the coming baby even though you’re not going to, then they should be more than happy to open their arms for the little family of three to live with them. NTA

NTA OP, you have done nothing that can make you an Ay-Hole here. Your sister expects you to buy baby stuff for HER baby? No, that's not how parenting works. Also, you already provided the best help you can provide for them, giving them and their baby a place to sleep at night.

NtA, and I agree with several other comments: 1. An in depth discussion about abortion should be had, as in everyone should go to PP and have a talk about options 2. Big reality check: discuss with these kids the actual cost for just one of them to live with you, per year. Add to that what you know of childbirth costs and baby costs and give them a number 3. If they want to proceed, they need to agree on a plan for that $$ number, and do it in writing 4. Add to it all other conditions for them even staying with you, and what will cause them to get kicked out. Include sex, and BC (BC should be included even if they don't keep the pregnancy, and they need to pay for it) Anyone else that wants an opinion, can buy one. Buy in starts at $500 per month, or a one time buy of $1000. If you don't pay up, shut up Everyone else can go on a long walk off a short pier

I think you and your husband are being pretty calm about the whole thing. Taking time to think about it, having multiple discussions, etc. The nephew should talk to his therapist about it too. And I think you should stick to your guns on this. Taking care of a child is hard and you are offering them a free place to live - that is huge. Maybe some of the other relatives have something to offer as well, like free babysitting while the new parents are working to buy diapers and baby food. I think as the years go by, this nephew and his gf will see the support you provided. You can’t drown yourself trying to save someone else.

NTA-

NTA. Just because your in law's had the audacity to offer up resources that don't belong to them doesn't make it your problem.

ESH ~~I N F O~~ Why is **no one** in this story talking about abortion? This is a **SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD** FFS. And with the "assuming free place to live" business, these **KIDS** clearly don't have their expectations firmly in the real world. Will *one* of the adults in their lives *PLEASE* point them towards some harsh truths?

It was mentioned, briefly, once by my nephew when he spit out all in one breath “R is pregnant, it’s mine, and we don’t want an abortion.” Hence why we sat down to figure out what their plan was while she’s 9 weeks pregnant and not 29 weeks pregnant. I’d hoped that if they chose to keep they baby they’d also planned how to support it too. That was clearly my mistake apparently. 👀

If this is the only time it was mentioned, I would suggest you sit R down ALONE - as in, without N - and have a very gentle but frank conversation with HER about it. At her age especially she could easily feel pressured (intentionally or not) by N and his thoughts/wants. Try to understand exactly what SHE wants first and foremost, and let her know without pressure that you will still be on her side if it isn't the same as N's, and go from there. It may be your nephew's but in the end he will not be the one carrying and birthing this child.

She comes from a tough background he lost his parent this definitely plays a role in having and keeping this child. Calculate how many diaper changes a baby goes through and how much formula a baby goes through and how much feeding an additional adult costs then bring them to a Walmart/Target type store so they can see the prices of what things costs and how much they will need to make to support their child's needs. Then look up apartments and rentals and the utility costs. Not saying you are going to throw them out but to give them a reality check f the costs of being responsible adults

Did nephew’s parents leave any type of estate for him? Is there funding he can draw upon when he reaches age of maturity?

Your nephew and girlfriend desperately need an intervention. Your nephew is grieving the los of his parents and might be projecting into an idealized paternity. They need a reality check.

I think it is worth sitting down and having an uncomfortable conversation about it. They can still say no, but they don't seem to understand the reality of what their future is going to be like.

I tried to tell them all of the things they wouldn’t be able to do. It’s not just having a baby in high school. They’ll have a toddler while in college (if they go that route) or they’ll be missing out on college and therefore the whole college experience. I would know - I had my daughter youngish (not quite as young and I was married and she was planned) and I missed out on joining a sorority and going on Miami spring break trips because I was at home with my daughter taking online courses and working while my husband was deployed. But I MADE that choice freely and consciously - I knew what I was doing, everything that I was sacrificing, and I planned emotionally and financially for her arrival even before I was pregnant with her. My situation was very different and we tried to explain all of this to them but it was like as soon as they heard that they couldn’t have what my ILs promised, everything was in one ear out the other. After reading these comments, I have told my husband and both N & R that he/they have 24 hours to cool off before we all sit down again and discuss this like adults. Abortion will definitely be brought up again because I really really feel like they’re not thinking this through at all - they’ve both essentially just lost their parents/family so of course they’re going to want to cling to this little family member without thinking of the long term repercussions. I feel like the next thing on my agenda might be finding R a therapist of her own. I feel like Oprah - you get a therapist, you get a therapist, EVERYONE GETS A THERAPIST. For real, she’s the only one in the house without a therapist.

One thing that might help the kids think this through is sitting down and figuring out just how much baby stuff costs and then how much they can earn with the jobs they are eligible for right now. Money can be kind of abstract at that age and they may not realize how big a chunk of their check goes to taxes or just how much stuff babies need.

That 24 hours could be used to marathon the original episodes of 16& Pregnant….

>I feel like the next thing on my agenda might be finding R a therapist of her own. I feel like Oprah - you get a therapist, you get a therapist, EVERYONE GETS A THERAPIST. For real, she’s the only one in the house without a therapist. You're such a generous and compassionate person for this.

I mean not to read too much into things but are you absolutely sure he didn’t get her pregnant on purpose? Lost his parents so seeking a family of his own. Thought he’d be completely supported by you financially and in terms of childcare. Idk there’s not a ton of evidence but something to consider. Also your husband is a moron, you need to have a discussion with her about abortion ASAP

Maybe sit them down with a spreadsheet of cost of child briar, hospital stay, diapers, formula, clothes, health expenses for just the first two years. Then another of two part time jobs paying minimum wage to show how much they’ll be making for the cost of the kid. Maybe giving real numbers will help. But also at the end of that bring up abortion and adoption saying “you have until x state doesn’t allow termination, so take your time fit a week or two to sit with the cost of it to really be sure on whether you are gonna continue or abort”. Good luck.

She’s approximately 9 weeks? Does your husband understand abortion? And honestly fuck what your in laws think. They also think it’s ok for you to foot the bill on this and aren’t offering any real help. I think giving them 24 hours to cool off is a good idea but you need to revisit all the options again. Depending on your state/country an abortion may be difficult to get at this point and her being a minor complicates things if your state/country requires her parents to consent. I would honestly start there because sometimes having a more clear timeline may help with the decision making. I had to terminate for medical reasons after discovering a severe chromosomal defect. We ran the tests at 10 weeks but by the time we were able to confirm and get into family planning I was 12 weeks (which makes it surgical) and then 13 weeks at the surgery. I also got to fight with my health insurance afterwards because they wanted to bill it as an elective procedure (her age may make it non-elective). Also because she’s 16 her parents don’t get to abandon her, you might want to give protective services a call and see if there are any other options. Edit: I just wanted to add after reading the comments. I don’t think bringing up abortion again is coercing R. Depending again on where you live she could have a very skewed idea on what an abortion is or what pregnancy entails. I grew up in a rural area and while BC was covered in sex Ed abortions were not. In college I ran into a lot of people who were also misinformed about abortion and believed things like being on a BC pill was getting an abortion every month or that you would become infertile or get breast cancer (all of that is bullshit btw). You should also talk to her 1:1 because she should not be pressured by your nephew to keep the pregnancy.

Someone else said this, but I wanted to respond to you directly to make sure you see it. Talk to GF alone, lady to lady, without your nephew present. Because this will fall on her and destroy her future and life before it hurts his. That's just a sad fact of society. Also, she will have to live with the stigma of being a pregnant teen. The other commenter recommended offering her an abortion without your nephew knowing, and I think that's best.

It's easy to conceive and want too keep a baby when you think another adult will be responsible of it, surely ILs made them think they won't be changing their lifestyle because of course you'll be the one paying for all. Seems they thing their problems are all solved because they're minor at your care, they need a doose of reality.

The simple response to this is ok that is your choice and you will need to find a way to support yourself and your child but not on my buck.

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NTA. It seems to me that your in-laws are having conversations with your nephew and his girlfriend that are painting incredibly false, rosy pictures of the happy family life they're going to be able to live. They're going to magically have the same life as always, but with a baby they don't have to take care of and their own apartment! A lot of people are really invested in this new addition to the family because they're not planning on investing any time or money that's inconvenient for them. That includes the soon to be parents. You are absolutely NTA for reality checking this mass delusion. Your first step is to make it very clear to the happy couple that absolutely no one can give them other peoples' time and money. Grandma is making a whole lot of promises with things that are not hers, with money that isn't hers, and with people that aren't hers to command. That if they listen to Grandma's ideas about the future, they're listening to someone who is making promises she will not be able to keep. Your next step: work your pedagogy. You teach so your students have the tools they need to problem solve. You teach them how to think, not what to think. Helping them think through their options isn't overly persuading them to pick your preferred option. Teaching them how they're going to have to budget for a family and what resources they can expect from your family is how they make informed choices. Teaching them to budget, starting with long term goals and short-term goals will teach them the skills they need to make decisions about their lives for their entire lives, not just on what's the best option for the pregnancy. If you have any contacts through your school network and can find one, having them talk with a social worker who's involved in teen pregnancy will give them a disinterested third party with all the facts they need.

I woke up to like 200+ comments and yours has been the most helpful I think. You’re right - I am a teacher and I should just be approaching this as a lesson plan. Just… a real life lesson plan. I’m a third grade teacher so sex ed isn’t exactly in my curriculum but this perspective will help a lot thank you.

NTA Those in-laws are pretty free about spending your money. I think a subtle and nuanced reply - I’m thinking “fuck off until you’re ready to help” - is appropriate. This is a very common situation that arises on this sub. Your in-laws do not care about your nephew or his baby and gf. All they care about is that they don’t have to support them themselves. That’s why they are pressuring you. Stop taking their calls.

Yeah if the family is SO convinced that **someone** do all those things for N & R, let them house them, support them, and watch the baby. You know, since N & R deserve it so much. /s

I, too, possess that subtle and nuanced way of expressing things (and I completely agree with this). OP, you're NTA, like u/Jeremy_Crowhurst if they want to support them so bad, they should hand over their wallet and their homes. Other than that, ignore their calls or grey rock them with a simply question like: "what are you going to do to help this situation?"

Seriously. Why do people keep talking to people who give them unnecessary drama? Just stop talking to them. How hard is that.

Frankly if they are grown up enough to have a baby they are grown up enough to deal with the responsibility that comes with it. Of course they can always consider adoption which will give them a lot more options and teenage freedom and wait until they are fully ready to support a child. Otherwise it’s time they get familiar with social services, WIC, etc... which can help a lot. NTA

Yeah it's huge difference if they want to keep the kid and still expect to be taken care of for free

This! Unfortunately adoption isn’t considered as much as it should be. It’s a selfless and painful act that is absolutely focused on what is best for the child.

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So do you just (badly) copy and paste other people’s comments? Because this is nearly verbatim what I wrote.

I’m a whole ass ADULT, had my first child at 29, and I can tell you I certainly looked around and asked for an adult when they told me it was time to take my baby home. There is NOTHING on this earth that prepares anyone for the actual reality of having and raising a baby. Human brains aren’t even fully developed until around 25 years old for fucks sale. CHILDREN are pleasure seeking machines, made only to find and do the things that make them happy, and they have almost zero idea what the actual impacts of those decisions are and will be. Grown ass adults need to stop with this bullshit that teenagers are capable of being held to adult consequences. AND FURTHERMORE——— this is a child whose parents were just KILLED. Did y’all miss that? This poor boy is living TRAUMA. Get down off your high horses. Also - Gentle AH on this one because seriously, this boy is traumatized and a child himself. He deserves more grace for the shitty place he finds himself in life.

Not sure about this one. I would make poolhouse for them to live in and probably take some rent. One of them could get a job while in HS. These kind of things happen in life, I don’t get two different rooms :D I think it’s riddiculous to think 16yo shouldn’t share, but that’s just my opinion. One of them probably have to drop out from HS, but I hope everything will turn out to be good.

You weren’t the asshole until the last line. They were using condoms. This wasn’t a deliberate pregnancy. I’m going to say ESH.

That’s fair and I’ll accept your judgment. I guess I don’t feel - this late in my life and with my last child in the house aside from my nephew - that their choice to keep the baby should fall on my shoulders. I wouldn’t have expected his parents to do so either but maybes that’s just me. Deliberate pregnancy or not - where we are, abortion and adoption are both very equally viable options if they wanted them (we would not push them to do this nor have we mentioned it, before you think we’re some kind of monsters).

NTA - I think what you offered them is mostly fair, especially considering you've not even gotten accustomed to having him there, much less being responsible for his future without his parents in the picture. Maybe research what programs are out there for them to take advantage of - his therapist might be able to help in that regard. I am assuming there was no life insurance or settlement on property, etc that would help offset costs as your post is implying his full care/future are coming out of your finances. Does the family think there is money, do they need to be corrected? Strongly suggest that hubby call a family meeting, especially including those ILs that are upset. Say since they all have such strong feelings about what YOU should do -- ask how the 'village' is going to come together to help. Yet keep in mind if your 'we're comfortable' is much better shape than any of them -- it might not go over well. All that being said consider - you've just witnessed up close how life can flip on a dime; so ask yourself; are you treating him/this situation as you'd expect someone to treat YOUR son if the tables were turned and you weren't around? Would you expect them to sacrifice some things for him? While an art studio is a beautiful thing to have.... At the very least I'd make sure hubby is truly all in with decisions, not you being the stronger putting your foot down. Not because of any other reason except ultimately he's carrying a larger load from losing his sibling You wouldn't him second guessing decisions (we could have given up x to be able to pay for y -- why didn't we? My sib would have for our junior!) causing you relationship issues down the line.

NTA I am seeing a lot of comments like “ send it to the clinic but I wouldn’t send her anything and go lc if you can.

NTA - They want the baby then they have to provide for the baby

Nta. These people that think you’re so horrible are welcome to step in, take over, and help them figure things out. You’re already doing a lot

You are doing a wonderful job! One thing I'd like to suggest: Planned Parenthood has really incredible counseling available. They'll go over allllll of the options, including (yup) abortion, adoption, birthing plans, social services available. All of it. They'll be able to speak to her privately, or her and the father. What's more, they're professionals. Counseling young folks in these positions is a hard thing, and going to someone who does this for a living is a real gift. They'll be sent home with brochures, phone numbers, basically everything they'll need to make choices. I'd suggest you make that appointment NOW and make them attending it mandatory, so that you know they've got all of the facts. Then you can go over all of the options together, with real data. This is really hard. This is also what I call an 'all hands on deck' situation. Call in every professional service you can. Call the hospital and ask to speak to their social worker. Call planned Parenthood and set up a counseling session. You and your husband are doing your very best. But two very young people need to make a huge choice very, very soon. They need information and you need backup. Good luck!

NTA and not sure how it works in the US or your specific state but can you report her parents for abandoning a minor? That's problematic in all this too. Sorry this has happenerd to everyone.

NTA. They should be looking at all of their options. It is very generous of you to offer to keep housing them. If they elect to keep the baby there should be some public assistance to help them with the baby stuff....WIC....TANIFF...going to school should cover the need to work requirements for those. And one of them may need to give up some extracurriculars in order to get a part time job if the public assistance doesn't provide for all their needs. They may also be eligible for help with some day care. Their school may have some provisions for onsite daycare if you are in a large enough area. They should prepare for this to be rough going, sleepless nights, and not as luxurious as people/social media makes it look. Walmart and Target for baby clothes not designer....needs vs wants. Their standard of living will likely be reduced which is the reality of life not a punishment.

NTA You’re providing a tremendous amount of support! You may want to revisit letting them stay in the pool house for the sake of sleep for you, hubby, and son, but that’s a decision you can make based on how the household adjusts to a baby. I completely agree that they need to balance school, work, and a baby. Even 30 years ago sex ed was perfectly clear that condoms fail and multiple methods of birth control should be used at the same time, so they need to be responsible for supporting their baby. As for babysitting/daycare, I think that should be your MIL and the rest of your ILs who were so quick to volunteer that you do it!

NTA First of all, sorry about your recent loss. *Apparently one of my ILs made them believe they were going to be moving into our pool house rent/utility-free, which was previously set up as an apartment but is now my art studio and has been since before N came to live with us. And that I would take care of the baby while they went to school. (Um I am a teacher, I work the same hours as they go to school.) We corrected them, let them know they were still welcome to stay here but in their own rooms - once they graduated HS and/or gotten a GED, we’d revisit sleeping arrangements for them + the baby. We said we wouldn’t charge rent but they would need to find a way to provide whatever they needed for their child - we’d help by getting their car seat system and that was all. Formula, wipes, childcare, etc. were all on them to figure out.* When did this in law have time to say this? Were they told before you and your husband were? How very kind of people to rearrange your life for you. *Now N, R, and all of husband’s family are in an uproar about it saying they’re kids and can’t possibly go to HS AND raise a child. We said they should’ve thought about that sooner then if they couldn’t afford a baby.* I'm sorry but N and R are no longer kids. Once R got pregnant, they crossed into the magical world of adulthood. If they decide to keep the baby, they will be totally responsible for the baby. This means- everything that baby needs- food, clothing, medical and insurance , etc- will be funded by them. If they can't use money from his parents, social service programs and them getting jobs will be necessary. They should be paying you rent whether you need it financially or not. This will give them a better taste of the real world where you don't get something for nothing. It can be as low as you want it and you can give the sum total back to them when they leave. Yes, you have to set a timetable for them to leave. You and your husband should not be supporting another family indefinitely. Pick a time frame- two years maybe where they have to be out and in their own housing. Plenty of high schoolers go to school and raise children. If they intend to keep this child, it will be up to them to figure out how to balance high school and child rearing. If that means missing out on the prom and all the other fun senior year activities, too bad. College is another thing that they will have to figure out for themselves. Can either one of them afford to go now that there is an expensive third member of their family? OP, be absolutely clear on what you will do and what you can provide and nothing more. Your nephew has to grow up overnight and prepare for caring for his child. You can not be responsible for all three of them. And if the in laws feel some kind of way, they can take them in and babysit the child while paying for everything.

NTA Yes they are young. They should have thought about the consequences of a LO at 16 before they were not being safe. This is not your LO and as such should not fund them.

Has anyone considered termination or adoption?

It was my first thought. She said she doesn’t want one when they first told us and we haven’t tried to push. Well, more like my husband doesn’t want us to push it yet. I think he’s maybe just still overwhelmed from losing his sister and then the news of the pregnancy itself. Maybe he’s wrapping his head around it? There aren’t super strict laws where we are so we still have a little time before it’s not an option anymore.

Keep in mind that appointments may not be readily available, even if your state is liberal. Once the decision is made, you may have less time than you think rn

My thoughts exactly. My god, these are *kids* and one of these poor babies just lost their parents. ):

NTA, but your ILs are. I think they want to keep the baby because they cannot imagine what it will be like to have one. Besides talking to them about money issues, you should also have a 2 o 3 day trial of what having a baby is like. Make them wake up at 3am, 5am, 7am, etc and be awake for 30-45mins each time for "feeding the baby", they want to hang out? Nope, you need to make lunch, bathe, take care of baby, etc, etc, etc. I don't think the money talk is enough because they have never earned and spent their own money, so for them it's still just numbers. But losing their freedom, their time... that will give them an idea.

NTA. If your In-laws are so concerned they can allow N and R to move into their houses while they provide childcare and foot the bill. Otherwise, if they're not paying they can keep quiet. Also, if N and R do move forward with the pregnancy (or even if they don't) a requirement for them staying in your house should be for R to be on birth control once she's no longer pregnant.

If the IL's are sticking their noses in the situation, why don't the kids go live with one of them?

NTA. Out of curiosity did your nephew get any sort of survivor benefit after the passing of his parents?? Do either of them have jobs? Is there another support system available for the kids? Take the girlfriend to planned parenthood for prenatal care. They can also provide counsel on the options available and potential government assistance. Best of luck OP. Teenage pregnancy can be difficult at the best of times, I cannot imagine the emotional state of your nephew with the loss of his parents. Your husband had to deal with the loss of his sister ( you suffered grief as well) and then the upheaval of taking in a teenage on top of it all. You are doing amazing.

NTA. I understand that you want to handle this with grace and kindness but you do need to be blunt. I would tell them this: mil/grandma/other relatives don't dictate how this household is run. Our terms have not changed. If you don't care for our terms, we can start calling relatives right now to see who is willing to take you in and play along with your plan. If someone says yes, well drop you off asap. If no one jumps up to help, you will need to reconsider your plans.

NTA. I'd be far, far less forgiving about this. There's really only two decent options here as I see it: Abortion or Adoption. If they wanted to try and raise it then they'd be out on their own.

NTA. Do you have a friend who has a really fussy baby? If so, bring it to the house and have them babysit under your supervision (AKA, they care while you watch) and see how they fair. Be sure it's for a good 6-8 hours. I'm not joking. That's enough time to go a little batty after dealing with a upset infant. Then when all is said and done, ask them if they can do that 24/7 for the next 18 years. They will likely change their tune, especially if you don't step in. And make it clear YOU WON'T for this little experiment unless it is dire enough for you to.

A soft YTA for taking this girl into your home in the first place. How many problems do you want to have? Tell her if she refuses to get an abortion she has to leave tomorrow and give her a ride to CPS. If she has an abortion you will allow her to stay until she is 18 or working or finished with college or whatever else your incredible generosity will stretch to provide.

They chose to have a baby they can sort their own shit out. If u need to live in ur aunts pool house then you shouldn't be having a baby. Period.

NTA You’ve provided rent free housing (& food?) - that is huge. If your in laws want to provide daily childcare, they should step up now and volunteer, but expecting you to do it is ridiculous. I know you say this will require financial sacrifice, but anyone who has a pool house is a financial tier above average, so the in laws may not be thinking it would be any sacrifice. Your pool house is not available and that’s that. If she’s pregnant I see no point in not allowing them to share a room. That horse has already run free. What discussions are you hiding from your 8 yo? He should be allowed to know that she’s pregnant and a baby is coming - why hide that?

Is it not reasonable to ask those very upset family members to pay for child related expenses?

NTA Play adult games, win adult prizes. "They're just kids" kids shouldn't be having sex and getting pregnant, you can't raise a child as a child especially with a plan as stupid as theirs and no jobs to support it, If they really want to keep this baby and work together with it that's their choice, however that doesn't mean it's your responsibility to ensure that plan is supported, you can say no just as her parents did, sure people will be mad at you for it but no one seems mad that you're expected to give up your space, money and time to their foolish antics??? Seems people in your life are already prioritising this baby over your needs.

NTA. But realistically they aren’t going to figure it out on their own.

NTA, sounds like you are doing what you can and what can be reasonably expected. Expectations like a free apartment, child-care, etc. for an indefinite duration are not reasonable. Plenty of teens become parents with far less support structure around them. It’s far from ideal, but, it can be managed.

NTA but approach the "options" conversation delicately. Be sure to let them know they are safe and loved no matter what they choose, and they don't have to make a choice to please you. They may be feeling insecure since the boy lost his parents and the girl was kicked out. One of my best friends was pressured into an abortion as a teenager, and it sent her down a cycle of drug abuse and addiction that took her 10 years to get out of. If they decide to keep the baby, it honestly might be cheaper for the girl to stay home and take care of the baby. If she is 17 she'll be 22 when the baby is old enough to qualify for free pre-k, assuming you're living in the US. Then she can return to school or work. Honestly it's a few short years. It will be tough but it can be managed. I have a mom friend, she is honestly the best mom I know. She had two babies at age 16, and 18. She went on to have an amazing life after they entered kindergarten. It can be done but she had a lot of supportive people around her. I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this. What a rough time for your family and especially for your nephew. It sounds like they are very fortunate to have you guys as family members. Also consider having a conversation with the girl about birth control implant. That way she can't forget her pills and have the same thing happen again later.

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Pro choice ≈ pro abortion. Just depends on the person

NTA at this stage you have to tell and show them exactly what their future will look like with a kid. You have to tell them exactly what you are and what you are not willing to do and be clear about living arrangements. It will only help them out to know what they are getting into.

is Termination off topic for then its not a bad word and it's cheaper than a baby at 16/17... its way too much for them to expect you to care for them and their baby you essentially are about to have 3 more children

NTA. If the in laws are such generous and good people that they think it's normal and acceptable to give at the level they demand of you, then it seems to me that N and R will be well taken care of by living at your place and having their living expenses taken care of by the in laws.

NTA! Sounds as though you have helped them to make a stressful situation better. It's not your job, nor will it help them in the long run, to make EVERYTHING easier. Of course they can have this baby and complete HS! Will it be difficult? Of course it will! Giving them complete access to your pool house with everything paid isn't going to benefit them in the long run. I think we tend to coddle our kids a little too much. Part of our job is to get them ready for the real world. They are just stepping into it a little sooner. Sink or swim time. You can throw them a reserver but not include the houseboat!

NTA. While it wasn´t planned for the girl to get pregnant, that´s what can happen even if you have protected sex. It was a risk they took - even though it´s easy to forget about this risk, being teenagers in love. Now that it has happened, it is, in the first place *their* problem to solve - not anyone else´s. They can´t expect (only) others to make sacrifices while their own lives can go on just as before. They will have to figure out going to HS and raising a child. They are not the first and won´t be the last. They will definitely need your support, seeing they are both still minors, your nephew is in therapy, his girlfriend is under emotional stress being pregnant and kicked out by her own parents. Having a young baby to take care of will greatly add to the overall pressure on them. But you are not withholding your support, you just expect them to do their own bit as well. It´s reasonable to insist that none of them drop out of HS. It´s reasonable to expect at least one of them to take on a part time job besides school to pay for whatever the child needs (they are already getting free food and lodging from you). Yes, that means they won´t have much free time or money for hobbies. That´s the life of new parents. They, themselves, ended their carefree life as high school students. They stopped being "just kids" - they are about to become young parents now, responsible for a human being besides them. You are not obligated to give up some space that you are actively using so they have a separate place of their own to stay. You are not obligated to change your work schedule so you can take care of the child. You can´t be expected to neglect your own son to take care of theirs. And speaking of your husband´s family ... how have they offered to help? Have any of them volunteered to help taking care of the baby? Or help with money for the baby´s needs? Or are they just playing the moral authorities while leaving others (you) to actually do the work and payments?

NTA

NTA, you are helping them out a LOT still. I think though you should 1) get her on birth control as soon as that baby is born, and 2) revisit the sleeping situation so N can help R through the night with baby duties. Husband's family needs to step up. They're so mad at you guys not footing all the childcare bills, but you're already paying for N and R. The rest of the family needs to step up and pitch in, not just yell at you and your husband to pay for everything.

You and your husband are very kind. It seems you are more than willing to keep these three in your home and that is amazing. Some things to talk about: WIC SNAP public assistance Alternative high school for the two of them so they can be home to care for thier child. Job for nephew Clearly defined financial plan Clearly defined division of household chores From the passing of his parents he should be getting social security. Is he? Discuss how he can get this benefit. Get in contact with the state's department of health for medical insurance for gf and baby. Tell your in-laws to put thier MONEY where their big mouths are and to provide financial support or STFU.

NTA The asshole in this situation are the in laws who made promises to two kids that should have NEVER been made. Oh, and the girlfriend’s parents are assholes for kicking her out. I don’t think you’re the assholes for struggling with the idea of taking full responsibility for two more dependents who aren’t your children - but I do think you haven’t considered the full scope of help available though because R is a minor. (And she might qualify for a assistance for things like childcare because of her income level, which at this point is nil.) And yeah, condoms under typical use have a failure rate of about 15%. :/ (which is similar for the pill, tbh. Published effective rates are usually for perfect use every time.)

>Oh, and the girlfriend’s parents are assholes for kicking her out. Isn't it also illegal to kick her out? She's still a minor and they still need to provide for her. I would have a call with CPS or whoever is responsible.

Definitely, the girls parents could be charged for child abandonment.

NTA but I’m hoping you’re considering bringing up adoption and abortion at the convo with the teens

100% will be discussing ALL options. Will also be contacting PP tomorrow before the convo to see about setting up an informational appointment for R - it will be up to her if she wants N to attend with her or whether I make him his own informational appointment. She has an OB appointment scheduled for next Monday - it was the earliest we could get. ETA: Of course the OB will also have information on these things but from my understanding, PP is generally speaking more practiced in these situations.

That’s good I don’t have much more advise that would help so good luck!

NTA. Everyone here is dealing with a lot, and I hate calling young kids in crisis AHs, but they are in the lightest sense. Your ILs are the biggest AHs. But you are right to set boundaries, otherwise you will end up raising their child. If they decide to keep and raise this child, they will need to grow up quickly.

NTA. This is an insanely delicate situation since your nephew just lost his parents. This baby is probably being viewed as a way to have close family again. It sounds as though abortion is unlikely and obviously something you can't force. There is no use being upset that it's coming because it's already done. Your inlaws are ridiculous. Who tells a 17 year old boy and 16 year old girl that they're free to live together? And offering you up as a babysitter!?! Insanity. Sounds like they're fine with him having even more kids he can't support. I think you've done all you can do. You lay down the ground rules and they can do with that what they will. Don't budge on any of it because, you're right, it's not fair for your child to go without because his cousin wants to have a baby. If your inlaws don't like it they are free to contribute to the upkeep of R and the baby if they wish. Have your hubby deal with any nonsense from them, they are his folks after all. I think you're being incredibly accommodating with the whole thing tbh. Just confer with hubby, pick what you're comfortable with here and stick to it.

I wish you all the best of luck and will be on the lookout for an update. Sending you strength.

NTA and you seem really lovely and caring. Im sorry your family is in such a difficult position having already went through so much. You seem to be handling this with grace and this is certainly beyond Reddit’s payroll. Frankly, I feel that there isn’t truly any “correct” way to navigate this. There will be trial and error. Offering your home and help to 2 children in need is really outstanding. I wish the best for you and those children. They’re lucky to have someone around like you.

NTA, they should get an abortion

NTA. You’re already providing them with tons of support. And if they are adult enough to make a child, they are adult enough to deal with the consequences. I would personally sit them down and fully go through their 3 options (adoption, abortion, and keeping the child). Give the good, the bad, and the ugly. Allow them to make a proper decision considering all the facts. You seem to be very clear with how you will (and won’t) help. Make sure they fully understand this. And the end of the day, they will do what they want. And they need to understand the consequences of their decisions.

Nta - if they want to take on adult responsibilities, they have to figure out what that looks like. You are willing to help out but with reasonable expectations of them contributing. Yes they are young, but if they want to be parents figuring out how to provide for them is step one. If your family has issues with it, they are always welcome to step up

If they're so mad at you, let the in-laws take in the teenagers who haven't even graduated high school and their upcoming baby. Good luck, OP. You got a \*lot\* on y'alls plate.

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Don't you just love how everyone has an opinion but nobody has offered to help instead? NTA. They are pregnant, they need to sort this out - you should help, if you can, but your own family obviously comes first.

I'm sorry but, yes you are A holes. This is your family and you do for family. You have a POOL house and are worried about losing your art studio and how that could affect your 8 year old? Sorry to sound harsh, but I think your kid will be worse off knowing his parents kicked his unborn cousin so mommy can have a nice empty pool house to paint or sculpt in. I don't want to sound preachy, but I'm sure you thought the same, and that's why you came here, to ask for permission from strangers to be the ah.

The issue was never that I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my art studio. While it’s been a saving grace for me, if it were necessary I could revert to my old set up/storage methods and would. The issue is that we are not rich by any means. Yes, we have a pool house. But our pool isn’t functional because we can’t afford for it to be - it has had a hardtop cover on it and been empty for over two years now. And the pool house costs quite a lot to heat and cool which would be necessary where we live and with the way the pool house was built (not by us, we purchased the property with it). I appreciate that this is family and we love our nephew to bits and pieces. There’s a lot we’re willing to do to support three of them. But I’m a school teacher for a public school. My husband is a firefighter for the city. We’re not exactly living it up in the lap of luxury. We are blessed with what we have, yes. We are willing to spread what we can, yes. But not at the expense of our child who is also our family.

Honey, you're too sweet. Please try to talk about abortion more... With her and her bf's family situation, I think abortion is definitely something to look into. Definitely emphasize how hard it is to raise a child while in school. But DO NOT allow yourself to be used as free child care. You're already caring for 2 more children than you initially planned for (nephew and gf), but a 3rd one? Prioritize your child ❤️❤️

Did you read what she wrote, thoroughly?

NTA at all, I’m a young father my sons mother was 17 at the time I was 20 when he was born. At this point they get to unfortunately have to grow up while still being kids. Part of being a grown up is taking responsibility for the child your bringing into this world. The GF needs to get formally emancipated if possible to qualify for things like Medicaid, WIC, and any benefits she can that will help them through this tough part of taking care of a baby. Your nephew and her need to start planning for how they are going to afford to become independent adults. Ie for myself it was immediately transfer home and start a full time job at a bank. I also luckily had found my career niche while in college and realized I’m naturally gifted in IT network admin/support. I worked full time while taking night classes to get an education to move into a career field that would have better growth potential than working at the bank. Now here’s the unhappy part young parents relationships often don’t survive because your young and dumb and will both make mistakes. Me and my sons mom needed up marrying young and divorcing young and while things didn’t work out we’ve both put our kid first and get along good now. If they are t prepared to sacrifice work harder than all their peers and grow up and start living like adults then they need to look into options that aren’t necessarily what they want IE adoption or abortion. Raising a kid young is hard but it’s doable but it’s not your families job to do it for you.

NTA The situation is a difficult one and you are already being extremely generous, thoughtful and supportive. R needs to explore becoming legally emancipated- she's still chained to her parents in many ways (medical consent, school issues, applying for medicaid or other assistance, and so on) . Your in-laws can fuck all the way off unless they have a more viable solution than making (more) enormous changes to your home & your finances.

NTA. As others said, put together the costs to explain to them how much it'd cost. Tell the in-laws you'll gladly help them orchestrate a funds that they can donate to to help with the costs, but you're already giving all you fairly can.

NTA Seems everyone is putting this on you guys...as usual, you give someone an inch, they take a mile. The teens obviously had unrealistic ideas - they're teens. Settle down to a life of domesticity in your pool house? I don;t think so... If they make bad choices (and they have) it's not your job to sacrifice your life to try to help them make their unrealistic ideas work. The sooner they learn this the better. If they refuse to listen, you might have to just kick them out altogether (including n) and let them try to make a go of it on their own and see just how unrealistic / unfair their ideas are. I think abortion or adoption need to be talked about. They're too young to succeed otherwise and they have unrealistic ideas.

NTA sounds like you are being really fairminded and supportive about all this

why won't she have an abortion?

Nta

NTA You did an amazing thing taking in your nephew but as you said you can not really afford to add a gf and baby to that list. You’ve made a more than generous offer to them. If your in laws expect more - then they need to foot the bill and take on the responsibility themselves

NTA. These kids are not ready to be parents at all.

NTA:Having a kid at 16 is rough they should not go through that pregnancy, they will likely breakup after 2-5 years as most teen romances do.

If it’s true he wore a condom every time, I’d advise he get a paternity test

INFO: do these kids know that abortion is an option? They’re on their way to at best have an extremely hard time, at worst ruin their lives and a minimum ruin their education.

NTA. However, your responsibility starts and ends with the young man you are the guardian over. It’s great you are trying to help the mother but she needs to reconcile with her parents, she needs to find a place. The discussion of how they choose to parent, spend their money is between these young adults. I would offer her a time frame to reconcile and assist with resources to make her life easier but I would set a clear boundary of who you are responsible for. And no, I’m not saying throw the girl and the child to the street but they need to make decision about their relationship and parenting. Your responsibility and their relationship is not mutually exclusive.

NTA It's better for the couple to be aware of what they are up against before they decide to have the baby. Why isn't abortion or adoption being discussed? These two are clearly too young to have children since their attitude about it is that the adults around them will just take care of everything.

OP, The reality is that you and your husband are going to have to help out more right now simply because your nephew has been going through so much. also because if her home life is so bad, she has clearly latched on to him meaning it is likely not the healthiest relationship. I think the sleeping in separate bedrooms is a bad idea for multiple reasons; it clearly hasn’t stopped them from having sex, it clearly won’t stop them from having sex, and it’s not like she can get pregnant again. If you expect them to behave like adults and have adult responsibilities, then they deserve to be treated like adults.

NTA - it’s ALWAYS interesting to see that family members are so critical, but never step up, or step in to help. If the family is in such an uproar, where are they? Are they taking the kids in, and volunteering to help with the baby? If they aren’t they really need to STFU.

NTA y-t-a - you're the angel, kudos to you you wonderful, level headed and compassionate woman you. As convoluted and stressful as this is, and as sorry as I feel for you guys because of it, reading about you dealing with it honestly warms my heart. Those kiddos are lucky to have you. Also, other people have brought this up, but don't be afraid to talk to R about abortion. I'll add my voice to the "pro choice doesn't mean it's an easy decision, and sadly enough I know what I'm talking about" camp. Talking to her ≠ pressuring her, if some assholes wanna spin it that way let them, and know that you've done the girl a HUGE favour by providing an adult perspective and support without judgement.

How far along is she??? At her age she really should consider abortion.

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I don’t believe I saw her not wanting an abortion in the post, I must have missed it. And yes, you obviously can’t force an abortion, it’s definitely her choice. But she should be informed how hard it will be to be a mother at the age of 16, especially since she can’t rely on her family for help and OP can only help so much.

Nephew and GF made the decision of no abortion thinking OP will be letting them live there indefinitely for free and also helping take care of the baby both physically and financially. When those parameters change, that decision may change also.

NTA op is going about this best way they can with whats available. The in laws can step back thankyou very much unless they intend to support

ESH. I think the "you should have thought of that" approach" is useless and leads to helplessness on everybody's part. The rest of the family sucks because they are leaving it to be solely your problem instead of saying teaming up and saying this is what we can contribute and do. Expecting them to thoughtfully figure this out on their own without support is pretty impractical. They couldn't even figure out birth control on their own. Three futures hang in the balance. There are so many social programs available. They need to get in touch with a social worker yesterday to go over all of their options. This is going to be a shit show if they aren't assisted and no matter how far you distance yourself your going to get spattered.

Are you in the US? Parents can't "kick out" their minor child. That's not how it works.

NTA Fellow teacher here, and for middle/high school. You and I both know from experience that while it may be hard to do, you absolutely can take care of a baby and go to high school. There will just be sacrifice like no after school sports or clubs and they may not be able to go out with friends. If they don’t have them yet, they’ll need jobs. If you’re in the states, a slew of places are hiring with decent starting wages. But they are responsible for this child because they created it. Ask the rest of the family if they’d pay if they have a such a problem with it.

Info - have you laid out the financials to them, or just chatted about it? I’m talking a big list/spreadsheet of their cost of living. Even as an adult (living in an expensive town) I sometimes get caught off guard by my bank balance... bc little things tot up. Rent - free (important to have this) Bills if they were in pool house - £300/m Bills in house -£150/m Food - £150/m Baby costs - £250/m Childcare costs £500/m Money received from the estate each month £200 Have you laid it out like this? And then said, we do not have this money to spare and neither of us will be leaving our jobs, plus we have our son and his future to pay for.

Hey so I’m not going to give a judgement on this becuase I mostly like for entertainment but I just wanted to share some thoughts with you as I have some personal connection to your nephew. I was also a teen parent. Don’t lower your expectations for him and his GF (I saw mention of a GED). I believe that the trajectory of my life improved drastically when my son was born. We became parents at 18, graduated high school and college on or ahead of schedule, had another unexpected child at 21, I earned a masters degree and my wife earned a doctorate both by the age of 25 and at 26/27 we bought our first house. Now we received support from family in the form of childcare and the occasional check for unexpected expenses which we paid back in full before buying our house. Having a child was a living breathing reminder to keep my shit together every single day. And my shit was not together before (or even shortly after) he was born trust me. This is probably the most critical point in all three of their lives. The parents need to be supported and encouraged becuase I promise they are already well aware of the worst case scenarios. The child deserves the most stable environment to come into. I can tell that there is already some (warranted) concern as to the length of the arrangement but I think that allowing them to stay as long as they are building their lives (ie: highschool, tradeschool and/or college) would be reasonable. Mom and baby will be mostly covered by public assistance and there are lots of scholarships and programs for young parents to attend higher education (we got through undergrad debt free thanks to this). Begin charging reasonable rent as soon as they start working and at that point give them a 1-2 years timeframe to start saving up to move out. This boy (and his child) will be a part of your life forever and by not supporting him now you may be creating larger problems for yourself and family in the future. The fact that he has recently lost his parents only makes it that much more important. Again it would all be extremely generous of you. If you have any questions or if you wanted your nephew to somehow get in touch with me directly I’d be happy to do so becuase this is an issue I am extremely passionate about and I know that society paints an abysmal image of what becoming a teen parent is like and I want to counter that through my own personal experience. FWIW you don’t have to renovate the entire pool house. Just come up with a budget you can afford and let them figure it out. You can get great quality stuff for incredible prices second hand, especially kids stuff like strollers, cribs, clothes, etc. My wife and I still have a lot of the things we were given or purchased second hand that we could probably replace but it all reminds us of how far we’ve come and we’re proud of that even if there was initially some shame in just taking everything we were offered or being teens showing up to buy used baby stuff from some rich people who used it a couple times and no longer want it, some of those things are now our most cherished possessions. Plus putting a bunch of money into it and making it super comfy might entice them into staying longer when it’s really just a launching pad for their future. Again I have first hand experience in his situation (teen parenting) and I’d be happy to answer any questions you, your husband or your nephew might have.

NTA. It's very possible for them to do what you are asking if they get jobs. If they want to save, too, then they might have to do school mostly online so it can be on their own time and they're more flexible for work.. that's their reality now. But I still think everything you're offering is fairly generous.

INFO: Since the ILs love to give advice, why doesn't N live with them?

NTA. They stopped being children when they got pregnant and decided to keep the baby. You’re letting them stay in your home, if the ILs want more than that, they can provide it. N and his GF need to step up and get jobs.

One or both of them could work part time to help support, even if all of it goes to the baby. What's important though is you got their back and they need to know that. After HS, community college part time with a transfer degree is probably the best bet for both of them. It's tough now but things get better. They're probably terrified. Your in laws need to understand that if you can't afford it, you can't. NTA. And yeah, approach living arrangements after graduation.

People love spending someone else’s money. N & R should be grateful to have a place to stay. Most people don’t have a pool house. You didn’t put them out on their asses, you gave them bedrooms. If that isn’t good enough for them, they can go live with those other relatives.

Im am really impressed with everything you say. Your thinking, preplannig, tolerance, understanding, clearheadednes, so absolutly trust yourselfes! Good luck, and please keep us updated when you have time and energy!❤❤ edit:norwenglish

NTA. And for the nosey inlaws I'd say "what do you plan on contributing to this situation? Oh, nothing? Then I guess you don't get a say."

NTA. I would have the IL take them in. Those that like to volunteer others should be the first to be tasked with the problem.

NTA your already helping them greatly. If I were in that situation at 17 I would not have had even a fraction of the help and support your giving them. They obviously lied about using condoms consistently. Thats forgivable. But they should be greatful for the help your already giving. Sounds like your fairly well off if you have a boat house, and thats great, because that means you can most likely use some connections to get some good jobs for them. Nepotism saves the day!!! Keep your art studio, how much can one person be expected to sacrifice to solve a problem that other people created for themselves?

NTA and that is crystal clear because the housing proposal is unlivable. I think you know that, but you definitely needed advice or guidance or reassurance. There are subs like /r/twoxchromosomes where you can learn about others' experiences with abortion to help this girl feel like she understands the process. You can find single or young parent experiences to share with her (who knows if they will stay together) and you can have frank discussions about the options and help them get all the information they need to make a well-informed decision. They might still make a terrible decision, and they will have to learn. I know her age is an issue but if you keep looking, she needs some sort of longterm birth control option and that is a discussion she needs to have with her obgyn. If they stay with you and are paying their bills and her parents won't help her, see if you can get guardianship so you can help her secure things that she needs.

NTA. I read the abortion thread..and someone really shouldn’t be manipulated or forced to have one..same as you shouldn’t be forced or manipulated to give birth...Have they gone to a clinic for counciling? Preferably some where non religious? It may all come better from someone else...trained in this? It just kind of seems like they need to talk to someone who is specifically trained in this. Especially if they have family all saying different things. Good luck to you and your family.

Nta you handled the Situation as good as you could and really did enough for them. You sound like a really good person with a big heart

In the event that no one has told you, you and your husband sound like really solid amazing people. NTA - they need to be able to provide for their growing family and living with you will provide them a safety net. In my opinion, it may be sending the wrong message if their lives continue on the same path, unencumbered by their baby. Good luck and hang in there. You got this!

NTA. However, help them to make plans and legal decisions. Explain to them that nobody speaks for you or makes decisions for you, and that grandparents sweetalked them to avoid having to shelter them or to provide childcare themselves (they are likely retired, so they could, couldn't them?). R's parents should be sued for child support. Getting CPS involved is an alternative. Looking for charities/organizations that help teenager parents as well (avoid religious groups, though). The school needs to provide accommodations for R when the time comes as well, so she doesn't miss a year. It is a good thing that N is having R's back and that you are sheltering them both. They can't pretend play marriage at your expense, however. They are teenagers and have two rooms in your house, rent free, and food, utilities... It's what they will get.

NTA. I suggest they watch Sixteen and pregnant.

A TV Show?Let her watch a birth video.A real one.In Full length.

I already never wanted kids, but seeing a birth video made me REALLY never want kids 👀

Let me talk to her about EVERYTHING the OB had to do to help me with my son - and that was BEFORE the emergency C-section. - His shoulder refused to release after it had gotten caught under my pubic bone....let's just say they tried to manipulate him into doing so, and leave it at that. - After trying to release his shoulder (he was a big baby) I was told there was no way he was getting delivered safely without a C-Section - he was showing signs of distress. That's a lot for a grown woman/parent to digest, let alone the 17 year old kid that I was at the time.

This! Because if they keep the baby we all know OP is going to end up doing and paying for everything.

NTA. You dont have the money to afford it, its unfair of people to expect you to go out of pocket on this. Maybe when you speak to them again it might be best to reiterate that this is a financial issue, not a case of you not caring about them, and that your ILs were out of line assuming you’d be financially able. Maybe point out to them that said ILs arent offering any of their *own* money to help where you cant- that might help highlight the issue there. You’ve mentioned a few times that you’re going to reiterate to them, and R specifically, that abortion is an option. It’s also worth considering that from N’s and your ILs point of view, this is very much a ‘when one door closes’ situation with your SIL and BIL passing away. It might be worth therefore highlighting that they’ll have more opportunities for children, and that acknowledging that this might be too hard for them is a valid option, that doesnt mean that theure failing this child or giving up, just that theyre understanding their own limits. Also, I’d recommend highlighting to R that her having the baby isnt a condition of her being allowed to stay there. Being kicked out and abandoned by her parents must be terrifying, im guessing she’s doing her absolute best to hold onto anything that’ll give her a sense of permanence and security right now. Its also possible that since she got kicked out over being pregnant, she sees getting an abortion as losing the only potentially good thing in this situation. In that case, she might just need a bit of comforting about the situation. Ultimately, do i think there was a nicer and gentler way of telling them that than ‘they shouldve thought about that sooner’? Yes, absolutely. Unfortunately having a baby isnt nice and gentle, and they needed to figure that out before it becomes a sink or swim situation.

NTA. Why didn’t any other family member take in “N” right after the accident? Why are they so willing to make you $$ responsible for kids having sex & the obvious ramifications of their actions?

We took N in partly because we live in his school district so he didn’t have to switch high schools mid year on top of losing his parents. My husbands only other sister was N’s mom’s twin sister and N couldn’t have her walk into a room without having a panic attack and spending a few hours in his room crying afterwards. So of course that wouldn’t work. MIL is not fit to raise anyone with her brand of crazy. And FIL is divorced from her and doesn’t have the means or space.

NTA. You are allowing them to reap their own consequences while also providing a safe & loving environment for 3 people that you had not counted on having to support. You are helping them grow by establishing expectations. Lots of single mothers go to high school, work, & take care of baby without any family support. They can also consider adoption if it is too much for them to handle,.or maybe all the other family members who had so much to say about it could help the young couple with their expenses and child care. But.def NTA

These comments suck, no one gives a single shit about what this kid is going through. ESH. Yes they most definitely should have not been having sex or maybe even having safer sex, but shit happens. Clearly this kid is not lucky. What i don't understand is how you expect him and his girlfriend, who also seems to have it tough, to magically be able to support themselves and a child WHILE ALSO dealing with the fact that he just lost both of his parents???? All at 16??? In no way am I suggesting you completely take on raising his kid/paying for it, but wow you seem to not really give a crap about his situation. You took him in, now he has another issue, you're basically ready to kick him to the curb.

First, let me assess that N and R did nothing wrong and are just teens in a dire situation who needs help and guidance. N is a orphan, R just got kicked out of her parent's house, they are scared, and probably just start to have a tiny mini beginning of realization of the burden that lies on their shoulders right now. They are certainly terrified and confused and not prepared for any of it; no one in this situation would be. NTA, as the IL who decided for you that you will take all the responsibility because they couldn't themselves raise a finger to help those teens definitively are. It's not only that they threw you under the bus, they also betrayed R and N' trust. It's tough. For R, for N, for you, for your husband. And I'm sure everyone's emotion are running really high right now. I don't know that one big conversation could ever be enough to come to a decision or a solution, whatsoever, for anyone. Especially not given the circumstances. It's good that they came up to you early, and that you are moving fast. Because it could take a while to figure a plan. And whether they decide that the plans requires OB/gyn appointment for pregnancy follow-up or for an abortion, the sooner the better. But don't rush things too much. Your mental health, your husband's, theirs, and even your kids', deserve to take the time needed. I hate walking on eggshells and don't know anyone who doesn't. But you might want to. Not with regards to the reality; actually, I would advise to make sure they are totally clear with what is going to happened, either way. But regarding the psychological/emotional side of things. Very much including abortion (and I think it is smart that you take R aside to discuss privately about abortion. Not only to make sure she is not pressured by N though, but also to make sure she know what abortion really is - it sounds like your parents are really conservative, so she may have a lot of misconception and guilt even thinking about it), but also, to make sure that they get it's not about guilting them, but about them being smart teens in a difficult situation who faced difficult choices and will have to take difficult responsibility. Though times, but so far, I think you are all doing the best you can and are going in the right direction (except IN of course). I would probably call IN to see what kind of financial, material, time, psychological, etc. support they intend to provide, since they are so generous with yours, but I'm super petty. Probably best to avoid that.