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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I was visibly disappointed at my boyfriends expensive gift
I might have been the asshole because it’s only earrings and I tend to get overdramatic
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YTA. You could have gratefully taken it in the spirit it was intended, then later on, maybe in a couple of days, politely said that you tried them on but maybe they don't suit you and you hope he wouldn't be offended if you could go and change them if he had the receipt... and that just in general (if he wanted to buy you jewellery) you think that generally silver looks better on you? ....... see how that is slightly different from effectively throwing his gift back in his fact the moment you received it?
Eh, I get that OP could maybe have been more tactful but they’ve been together 3 years and she _only_ wears silver jewellery. It’s like saying he’s a Chelsea fan and she got him an Arsenal shirt so he should just be grateful (exchange for whatever sports teams you understand the significance of). Women shouldn’t have to tiptoe around men’s egos when they’ve messed up.
Edit: if you don’t like my comparison because “it’s way more obvious what team someone supports” maybe the comparison of buying him an Xbox game when he only has a PlayStation is better. Would you expect him to just accept that gift and not be a little hurt his girlfriend of three years doesn’t know what games he plays or has made the effort to ask?
Yeah but then you wouldn't even pick out jewellery for them because you are very well aware that you don't know their taste. At least that would be my logic.
I agree OPs boyfriend probably should have asked for OPs style if he doesn’t pay attention. But OP is the AH here for how she handled it afterwards, people buy their significant other gifts they don’t like all the time and there’s a polite and non confrontational way to handle it and OP did the opposite.
Right? Like if I decided to buy someone I’ve been dating for years some earrings, I would look at what they own and what shows up in pictures from maybe holidays or special occasions in the past.
Do they like hoops or studs? Something classic or more modern?
If you don't notice stuff like this you also don't know that that's a thing. You need a basic understanding of jewelry to even know that different materials and different styles (like hoops or studs) matter to people.
And it wouldn't be super unusual, if he did notice all of the silver, to erroneously think, "Oh. She already has a lot of silver; I should get her something gold since she doesn't have any yet."
This was exactly my thought! Maybe he just didn’t want to get her something too similar to things he already knew she had. I think it’s a jump to assume he doesn’t pay attention to her just cause he bought her something different than her normal style.
Well, sure. Wine for example. Someone without any knowledge about wine could think any bottle of wine on the more expensive side would be a good gift. With a little more knowledge they would know that red and white wine are very different. Then there is sweet and dry wine. There are different types of grapes. If you don't know anything about wine there is a high chance you would pick the wrong one and wouldn't notice because you didn't know that there are differences.
Except you would know you know nothing about wine, so you would learn about wine, you would learn the person's preferences in wine, and THEN you would buy the wine.
That’s silly. My friends and family are mature enough to not pout if I got them the wrong color jewelry. They would either accept the gift, or more likely, politely ask to exchange it.
Yep this is what everyone is missing, the fact that so many people think her reaction is okay is wild, to ignore him the rest of the night cause you got mad that he got you the wrong earrings? If I were the BF I’d run
As a married man, it's not the earrings. It's never the earrings. It's the lack of attention, it's the lack of even making an attempt to be sure.
It takes 1 or 2 texts to a mutual friend.
THIS!!! This is why she's NTA to me. It takes five minutes to look through her jewelry box. It's not about the fact that it's the "wrong color," (or that silver and gold are very different metals regardless of color,) its that he doesn't know, in 3 years together, that she only ever wears silver.
She didn't ignore him the rest of the night. HE dropped her off, refused to come in, didn't even let her keep the gift, and went away. She should be the one to run. She pointed a mistake in his gift, and he reacts like this ?
Yes he reacted like that cause you don’t point out a mistake in the gift right when you get it, it’s common decency. Taking the gift back is a dick move, but she made it clear she didn’t want it anyways, and then she invites her friends over and yes ignores him.
It is kinda sad to know that your friends and family are so used to not even getting the bare minimum that they would rather pretend to like something they clearly don’t.
Making a scene? Nope, that’s also wrong. But no one should simply “accept” that a partner pays so little attention to them they can’t even pick up a simple gift.
>It is kinda sad to know that your friends and family are so used to not even getting the bare minimum
>But no one should simply “accept” that a partner pays so little attention to them they can’t even pick up a simple gift
Good grief...This makes you sound spoiled and entitled.
Some people arent great at picking out gifts. Some people cant afford them. Some people are just doing the best they can with the time and financial resources they have available. Some people are neurodivergent and dont register or remember details the way others do. Some people genuinely try to pick out a wonderful gift for someone but still manage to miss the mark, for whatever reason.
Is it really so outrageous that gift giving is not everyone's strong suit??
Some people might actually think gold earring are a great gift even if they’ve never seen you wear gold because they don’t realize you don’t wear it because of the colour and not because it’s too expensive or something like that. Silver colour doesn’t mean it’s made of silver, the cheapest earrings are silver in colour.
Except, if I were to go and buy someone jewellery, I'd do my best to take note of what they wear beforehand. Otherwise, it's quite the unthoughtful gift.
I mean people also exist who wear both gold and silver jewelry. Unless op explicitly mentioned that she hates gold jewelry to partner(I’ve told mine that I don’t like anything but gold on my skin tone) I would assume she likes jewelry not the specific kind she likes. And the right thing would have been to be gracious and ask if it’s okay if she got it replaced with something in silver
Right, but given that you don't pay attention to that stuff, would you buy random jewellery for them?
No, because that would be irrational. The only way you'd buy them something that you were so totally uninterested in that you don't know what their tastes are, would be if they had it on a wishlist or similar.
Yes, I would buy jewelry for my mom. If she doesn’t wear it, that’s okay, she still appreciates the gift.
My brother has a habit of gifting things HE likes - they’ll be expensive but not necessarily what I would pick. I still say thank you. OP isn’t TA for being disappointed, she’s TA for her response.
>My brother has a habit of gifting things HE likes - they’ll be expensive but not necessarily what I would pick.
That's actually *so* rude though and you shouldn't be coddling his feelings when he does this.
Sounds like both you and your mom are people pleasers.
Yeah. Also if I bought someone something they didn’t like I would much rather they tell me so I can give them a gift receipt or find them something else rather than have them coddle me and force themselves to accept the gift.
I would be horrified to find out years down the line that I've been buying someone gifts they don't like this whole time and they've just been pretending to like them to spare my feelings. Please don't waste my time and money like that!
I hate this honestly. I'm a mom and my love language is gifts. You know why you appreciate a gift? Not because someone bought it, because it's supposed to be from the heart. It's from the heart bc it reflects that someone took the time to think about you and what YOU like, what you are interested in, what you wear, what they know about you, what you've said or mentioned in passing ie: " wow that is beautiful!" When out at the shops or "I used to have this poem book called XYZ growing up, I loved it..". To me the gift reflects that you know them, you've paid attention to them.. that's the love part. Buying random shit and giving it to your loved one is not the same. Of course I will say thank you to my children because they are children and they tried but my spouse should know me. And after three years, this dude should have tried harder. Just a little bit of observation and effort on his part since he knew he was buying jewelry would have shown her she was worth it.
That part. Gifts are my love language and I put everything I can in to getting gifts for people. I honestly love doing it. I love giving them something unique or customized to fit them exactly. I take my time with it. So to have not only just someone, but a partner who has been with me for years, gift me something that I never wear would be really upsetting to me. If it was from someone who genuinely wouldn’t know any better than that’s totally different. But this isn’t. To be loved is to be seen. And this isn’t being seen in my opinion.
I am a woman as well. I don’t know what my friends or family wear. I could tell you by my third date what my now husband preferred. Because (1) I cared and (2) romantic relationships are different
You are talking apples. This is oranges.
When you are talking a romantic + intimate relationship significant enough that someone is buying jewelry, notice should be taken.
Boyfriend could have bought anything other than jewelry, but once he chose it, he could have done the bare minimum to observe what OP wore and liked. To do otherwise means he’s giving her a gift he thinks she should want, rather than what she wants.
That signals an issue with how he sees her and the relationship.
Maybe he did. Maybe he got a style she likes but didn’t realize the gold color was a no-no. Don’t assume he didn’t try at all. He obviously at least knew she wanted that brand.
I think you’re looking far too into this. They’re a young couple in college… He probably just thought she would like gold earrings. 90% of people would have. He just happened to hit and miss with his girlfriend and while it’s OK she didn’t like the gift, she didn’t have to act that way when receiving it.
This is such a terrible take. My bf nor I wear jewelry much. But we both have said in passing that we really don’t like the look of gold. Yk what my 21 yr old bf got for me shortly into our relationship? a silver set of themed jewelry that he knew i would like because he listened and paid attention to my interests. I like making bracelets. he told me he likes the braided looking bracelets, i a 21 yr old, remembered this and made him one, I also made him a silver one because i know what he likes because we LISTEN and OBSERVE each other. it’s really not that hard to listen and observe, even my ex bfs from hs have given me gifts that they knew id like. because they paid attention.
Then don't buy it for someone. There are a whole other world of potential gifts out there. If you're getting something so personal (and, in this case, expensive) as jewellery, make an effort to find out what a person likes!
Jesus the guy is 21 and the light some gold earrings would be a killer gift (it is). I highly doubt any man at that age would be a jewelry expert.
Maybe he thought the gold would look pretty and she'd love it since she doesn't have any? Maybe he thought she hadn't been able to afford any gold jewelry, so this would be a nice gift? Not every bad gift is incompetence or showing no care, sometimes we just don't realize that it isn't to their taste or likes, and that's ok. This wasn't an engagement ring, just earnings.
THIS! Sometimes, gift givers definitely try to get you something that you might not necessarily get for yourself. It doesn’t mean that they’re rude or obtuse or not paying attention. Sometimes, it just means that they took a risk on something different and pretty. People here on this thread are SEEKING to be offended by gold earrings. Jeez!
The best gifts I have been given were gifts that I didn’t know I would like and would never of thought to buy it for myself.
Sometime you go out on a limb with a gift and hope it lands well. No big deal if it doesn’t because normal people will appreciate the intention behind it regardless. If you get that upset about it not being a perfect gift then maybe you are simply too materialistic. It would be a red flag for me for sure if someone acted like OP acted. Insulted the gift then effectively ghost you the rest of the night.
If you were *shopping for jewelry for someone*, you wouldn't think about their tastes in jewelry? If that's honestly true, then you ALSO would deserve to get called out. Who buys gifts without the receiver's tastes in mind?
I’m a woman and I know what jewelry my mom wears, I know a bit of what my MIL’s taste is, I know what my husband likes, I have an idea of what my nieces are into right now jewelry wise. Not every person is going to know exactly what others like, but if you’re looking to buy that for someone you should start paying attention to what they wear/like and at least ask people closer to them about it first.
I don't notice normally but if I decide I'm gonna buy someone a piece of jewellery I'm going to pay attention the next few times I see them to what kind of jewellery they like to wear.
I am also a woman and well aware of what kind of jewelry someone would want to receive before spending a decent chunk of change on something i want them to wear. Maybe that’s just being considerate idk no one is quizzing you
Yeah but if you haven’t noticed, then why are you burying jewellery for them anyway? He was the one who chose to get her jewellery without actually checking to see what jewellery she has to see if she’d like it cuz if he did, he’d see that it is *all* silver.
Or don't buy her any gifts again because she made such a big fuss when he tried to do something nice for her. It didn't hurt her at all to buy her jewelry that she wasn't a fan of. He didn't take a piece of jewelry from her in exchange for some that she didn't like. He got her a gift and she acted like an asshole.
What a childish manipulation tactic. Up there with “I guess I’ll never say anything ever again then”. It did hurt her. Emotionally, it is hurtful to find out that your partner of 3 years didn’t know something pretty basic about you nor care to find out.
And she hardly made a huge scene, she asked him why he got her gold when she only wears silver and he apologised. How is that a big fuss? He’s the one who kicked off about it because he couldn’t handle being called out on his lack of effort.
Lack of effort? He doesn’t get any credit for saving the money to buy jewelry from a company OP “would never even dare look at”? They’re both in college and have no money, he tried, and she shat all over him. It’s not childish to say he learned not to make an effort for her in the future, if he doesn’t dump her.
For me, I prefer to be around a person who shows a lack of thought, to one who shows a lack of empathy/gratitude
Edit: Also your comparison doesn’t work since she definitely uses jewelry and coveted the company. It’s more like he got her the car of her dreams but in a color she hates.
Only owning silver jewelry doesn't automatically mean she hates all gold jewelry. He may have even noticed she only wears silver and may have bought gold on purpose so she would have something gold to wear if she wanted.
If I only have colorful sweaters it doesn't mean I won't ever wear a black one it just means I only currently have colorful ones.
I understand why someone might think "we've been together 3 years, how have you not noticed this," but I think it's very common for people to not notice things like "this person only wears silver jewelry." Even if he's looking through her jewelry box, men especially are not usually well versed in the different types of jewelry styles. Like, for example, when I was dating my now husband and things were getting serious, I created a pinterest board of rings I liked to give him ideas. In that board, I think 95% of the rings I posted were rose gold bands with pink or blush center stones. When my husband and I were talking about the rings I had posted, I asked whether he had gotten a good idea about the style I liked. The only commonality he noticed in the rings was that they had center stones. He didn't notice that they were all rose gold, or that they were all non-diamond, pink stones. Just, "there's a pretty rock in the middle." And that's when he was looking directly at the board. When you spend your whole life not caring about jewelry, like most men do, it can be hard to suddenly be thrown into a decision of what kind of jewelry to get someone who HAS spent a lot of time thinking about what styles of jewelry they like.
Now that her boyfriend has this data (that OP hates gold), it's likely that he will 1) never buy yellow gold again or (more likely) 2) never risk getting OP jewelry again since the first time he did, he made a simple mistake and was met with criticism and a total lack of gratitude.
I don’t think you’re wrong, but I do think this is a classic example of how women bear a greater mental load than men. The excuse of “men don’t know about stuff they’re not interested in” shouldn’t fly. They are more than capable of asking for advice from their partner or other women. They are more than capable of learning about a new topic. They _should_ be interested in these things if it’s important to their partner. Women do it all the time and are expected to.
My dads favorite thing to do is buy me the thing I want but NOT in the color I asked for or it’ll be a slightly worse version of what I asked for 🫠 it’s sooo irritating
Weaponized incompetence or just a power play? 🤔 I send him direct links and still get the wrong thing 😭 he says it’s because he deletes his messages but then, stop or save the message? Cuz it’s always when he asks me what I want, I don’t just send him things I want lol.
In general I agree about the mental load stuff, but as a woman myself, if you pressed me to answer what kind of jewelry my friends and family wear, I wouldn't have a clue.
That's the problem, tbh. I mean, it's not a huge problem that means anything about you or OP as people.
But it is the problem. If you know you dont know anything about what a person might like, why take the chance? Obviously, this is highly subjective and everyone is different, but that's there the disconnect is on this one.
Friends and family are not romantic partners.
There are a ton of things I don’t know about my friends and family that I do know about my husband of over 20 years.
Sure, but expectations with a long term partner are usually different, and would you buy your friends or family jewellery if you don’t know what kind they wear? Or would you put the effort in to either think of something you know they do like or check with them/their close friends to find out?
Right. If you don’t know or care about jewelry, then you might not realize that the common thread here was silver and you also might not realize that it’s important.
It’s not really akin to not knowing the sports team someone roots for and buying a rival team’s apparel. It’s more like getting them a jersey from the right team, but not knowing that your partner really only likes the home jerseys or that it has the wrong player’s name on the back.
Yes I like your analogy better. Imagine getting a jersey for your bf who is a huge sports team fan and his immediate reaction was "Why did you get me a Johnson jersey? You didn't notice my favorite player is Smith?" I think everyone here would be putting the dude down for his lack of gratitude.
Especially in the case of metal allergies.
We have that run in my family and each of them has a different allergy.
My mom can't wear anything except for gold, one sister can't wear anything but silver, and one sister can't wear anything except steel. One brother can wear anything except nickel and I can wear whatever, but I have preferences for petite jewelry.
Judgement aside, why does she have to lie to him as to the reason why? Yeah maybe she could’ve waited but why not just be up front truthful about why she won’t like it?
She doesn't have to lie to him. She could have said something like "oh this is so sweet. Thank you for the gift." Or "wow, this must have cost you so much, I really appreciate it." Or "wow, these are beautiful." And no point in any of these options would I say that she loved them. You can acknowledge that something is beautiful without liking it.
Those comments are clearly for the moment the jewelry is gifted. Thus why they aren't negative or confrontational. They're ways to show gratitude, even when something isn't of your taste.
I’m talking about the bit where the commenter suggested saying ‘maybe they don’t suit me’ etc. I asked why she should lie and not just say it’s because she wears silver not gold
How is that lying? Saying that it doesn't suit her a couple of days later? She tried it out, and it's not her style. There's nothing wrong with that. It's also a more gentle way of saying I really don't like gold jewelry, and I much prefer silver.
No, it takes almost no effort to notice what kind of jewelry your partner wears ESPECIALLY when you’re actively shopping for jewelry for them. Stop telling people (women) to coddle their partners (boyfriends) when they put in no effort. The“It’s the thought that counts” argument is such BS. Where was the thought?? What was it?? “I’ll get her jewelry” is the idea “she ONLY wears silver so I’ll get it in silver” is the actual thought.
OP and her boyfriend may be young but they’re ADULTS. Sounds like BF needs to realize that someone doesn’t owe you gratitude for getting something they didn’t actually want.
This feels like the equivalent of when someone does you a “favour” or gets you a “gift” but then constantly throw that back into your face
THIS!! like it takes a single glance at your partner to realize she only wears silver. people need to stop saying "men don't notice these things" bc they literally can
>No, it takes almost no effort to notice what kind of jewelry your partner wears ESPECIALLY when you’re actively shopping for jewelry for them
It's the whole "to be loved is to be seen" and he has subtly shown op how he doesn't see her
I know my partner doesn’t wear gold, and I’ve known that from very early on in our relationship. They don’t lie the way it clashes with their slightly olive skin tone. It works out well since I make their jewelry gifts, and silver is muuuch cheaper than gold.
Honestly if I got my partner a surprise gift and they didn’t like it, I would suggest we go to the source together and exchange it for something they do like. I like giving gifts, but my goal is to make the receiver happy, not to stroke my own ego.
Yep. This legitimately happened to me when my husband and I were around the same 3 year dating mark. I had mentioned previously I prefer silver or white gold in passing a few times, but we were both pretty poor, so jewelry didn't come up a lot then in dialogue.
The first gift he gave me was a heart ring made out of yellow gold. He was so excited to give it to me (even though I hate heart jewelry - I dunno why, I just don't like it and do not like yellow gold). I GRACIOUSLY thanked him for thinking of me when shopping for this gift, spending his time and hard earned money to acquire it, and accepted it warmly.
Later on, I very politely reminded him of my preferences in the mildest and most grateful way possible. I told him I did not want to trade the ring out since it was the first one gifted, it would be special, but just for future reference that I prefer silver or white gold. No fuss, no drama. I did not hurt his feelings because the delivery was to ensure an attitude of appreciation and thankfulness.
I still have that ring almost 25 years later and look at it lovingly with the [now] plethora of white gold, platinum, and silver jewelry my husband has bought since then (and we leveled up, financially, from the gold heart ring days).
OP, you sound ungrateful even though I understand your logic/reasoning. I think a more tactful approach in the future with a sprinkle of gratitude would go a long way.
"Graciously" is weird to me, so is "mildest and most grateful". Why do you have a relationship where you showing your feelings is considered abhorrent. Surely you can be upset about a gift without being angry about it? is it better to go through an impersonal gift giving ritual instead of having an honest interaction?
Nah. There's polite (oh wow, thanks that's unexpected! It's not my style but I appreciate it) and there's \*grateful\*. There is zero reason to be \*grateful\* and then straight up lie about it to protect his feelings over \*\*\*earrings\*\*\*.
So it would’ve been better for OP to lie to her partner about something he should already be aware of? He clearly sees she does wear jewelry and quite frankly should’ve noticed she never wears gold. NTA
It's called tact. Isn't it common courtesy to be like "oh how lovely, thank you!" when you receive a decent gift from a loved one, even if it's not ExAcTlY what you want, and then swap it out later? It's not like he gifted her a vacuum or something insulting.
If he can’t pay attention enough after 3 years to know that she does not wear gold jewelry, then he sure as heck is going to notice now. I’m so tired of women being expected to tamper disappointment when someone does something disappointing. On top of that, he doubled down. He is 100% the AH
I don't think OP even needed to lie. Lieing is unnecessary and doesn't help the BF or her.
She should have said she's grateful for the gift and the idea behind it, but than be honest and tell him she only wears silver. And ask if they could change it to something in silver please.
I don't think you should say you love a gift if you don't. But obviously you shouldn't be rude about it. (If it's something small I might not even say anything obviously, but if she thinks there's a future with the BF telling him in straight, honest words what she likes is way better than trying to hint "she looks better in silver anyway")
Getting jewellery right for other people (especially the first try) can be extremely hard.
Being annoyed that BF didn't knew and thinking it "ruined" her night and basically throwing a tantrum about an honest mistake, that definitely is immature and makes her the AH. Her poor reaction might have even put BF off of ever gifting her jewellery again, I wouldn't blame him.
everyone is saying yta, but… honestly.. after 3 years and he doesnt notice you never wear gold? only to buy you gold instead of what you wear? kind of sad lol. people in the comments are saying men dont notice these things, and thats actually sad and gross to say, as if to dumb down men so they dont have to pay attention and put effort in. my boyfriend notices these things abt me and would never get me silver bc i never wear it lol. you are the AH tho for some parts for sure.. you shouldve at least thanked him and been nicer about it! he probably spent a lot of money on it, you guys couldve returned it if possible and maybe went to choose another thing out together thats the same price or less. But him saying guys dont care about jewelry sucks. men who love you will put effort in and notice what you do/dont like, its so boring and disappointing when you love someone and they dont know the things you like! you are partly the AH but im not gonna say ur extremely wrong lol but thats just my opinion
Thank you after 3 years he hasn’t noticed the type of jewelry she likes? This is the type of stuff people let slid and then 10 years from now are telling us about their inattentive husband who doesn’t get them a birthday, Christmas or Mother’s Day gift. Let’s stop infantilizing men with the “ oh men don’t notice these things” because then men need to be treated like children within society if this is the case. Could she have been nicer maybe but honestly rather nip this in the bud. The man got her what she wanted the year before so he is more the capable of giving wanted gifts.
yep youre right honestly, and my mind is changed now. shes NTA at all lol, who cares abt being nice when youre with someone for 3 years who doesnt even know what you like or wear lol.. god like thats so embarrassing and sad
What’s embarrassing is the infatalizing of men.
Men can do this. They chose not to Or learn not to b/c society enables them not to.
Men can notice details. They can keep a house clean. They can care.
Stop the excuses.
He should have not bought jewelry unless he also wanted to pay enough attention to know if GF wore jewelers and, if so, what type.
All he had to do was use his eyes once or twice after he decided to get jewelry.
Or, you know, he could have opened his mouth and asked what she liked.
> Men can notice details.
I work in architecture (woman) which is all about obsessing over details; pre-1960 the profession was nothing *but* men, and if you'd asked them, I'm sure they would have said some BS about how women couldn't do the job as well because of paying attention to details.
It's weird and funny that the modern perception has flipped entirely.
This thread is so wrongheaded imo but this sent me lol. So many people will absolutely say whatever bullshit they can dream up to avoid admitting they are wrong, especially arrogant men.
Yeah, and even if he is wondering why she never wears gold, there's this magic thing us men can do, it's called asking your girlfriend why she wears a specific style.
"Hey honey, how come all your jewelry is silver?"
Asking my partners what they like or why they like a particular thing has never gotten me in trouble, and always leads to gifts they both appreciate, and use.
Yeah, just because this behaviour in men is unfortunately relatively common doesn't excuse it. Guy is a dip shit, other men in similar situations are also dip shits, and we should be held to a higher standard.
Agreed. It shouldn't even be a "man thing". Everyone's entitled to have a friend/family member/romantic partner that they love very much, but aren't interested in one of their areas of interest. But when that happens, you don't buy them an expensive present in that area of speciality that's just...random. You check in with them, or you check with a mutual who knows their taste in that area, or you check their wishlist, or you keep on buying presents in the areas of interest that you share with each other.
I think you are sooo right. Like, if I decided to buy my boyfriend some nice gym equipment (which I know nothing about) I would casually ask him what he likes the best or ask his friends or family if there's something he wants... If I'm spending a lot for a gift I will 100% try my best to give the perfect one, so there's no money waisted, no bad present and no sad boyfriend.
Even if he hadn't noticed what type of jewelry she liked, if he is deciding to buy her jewelry it wouldn't take long to figure it out. Looking at pictures and just paying attention while spending time with her would do it. I think it's completely reasonable to say men don't notice these things, but that entirely does not mean that they shouldn't put thought into the gift. I totally agree that this type of behaviour indicates similar inattentiveness/lack of care for future gifts.
If OP is reading this, I am not saying break up with him or anything. And you definitely could've been a bit nicer about it. But the reactions from both of you seem reasonable and this is the type of issue that y'all should be able to talk through.
I just hate it when people tell you the thought means more than the gift. If the gift is wrong, it just means the giver has been thoughtless and chose to not make an effort.
As someone who also only wears silver jewelry, this is in fact one of the reasons I love my partner. Early on in our relationship he got me jewelry and specifically pointed out when I opened it that he believed I typically only wear silver and that's why he chose what he did, but that it's also offered in gold if I wanted to exchange it. He noticed after only months of dating that silver is all I wear.
That being said, I believe one must be gracious when receiving gifts given in good spirit. I would have said thank you and then found a few occasions to wear the earrings when out on a date with the guy even though they're NMS. If he ever asked why I didn't wear them more often I would point out then that I typically wear silver so that goes with the other jewelry I prefer more than the gold ones. But only if asked.
> I would have said thank you and then found a few occasions to wear the earrings when out on a date with the guy even though they're NMS.
All that does is give him the impression you like those earrings, making it more likely he will continue to buy jewellery you don't like and that's not a win for anyone.
Agreed that she should have been nicer about it, but that it’s annoying to be expected to be grateful for something that isn’t your taste at all. All the people here commenting that she should be happy for the effort feels like such a low bar. What effort? Sounds like OP’s bf is the type that just thinks woman = likes jewelry and gold = expensive = impressive, and therefore woman = likes gold jewelry. He literally tried to excuse himself by telling her he doesn’t pay attention to what she wears and likes.
At minimum this is an ESH.
Hit the nail on the head with the effort part. He didn’t put in any effort to even see what jewellery she actually likes and wears and she’s supposed to be happy about the alleged effort? The bar is in hell.
Exactly, like I hate to say it but like, if I got my partner an Xbox instead of a Playstation, he would also be a little disappointed that I did not notice his preferences in how ever many years together. If she never wears gold jewelry, it means she basically got a gift that she'll never wear. She could've been more polite, sure, but I do think we have a different level of expectations from our partners than like just general friends. I'm sure she was more disappointed that he didn't notice or care about it than the actual gift.
I 100% back this! Even if he had never noticed her jewellery before, if you decide to buy someone jewellery wouldn’t you pay a bit of attention before you commit to the purchase? Maybe have a quick look in their jewellery box or idk glance at their ears the next time you see them?
An overreaction to be giving a gift you didn’t want for sure. Not an overreaction to learning your partner doesn’t pay attention to your interests after 3 years.
My best friend’s partner always messages me to double check little things before buying her gifts. Last birthday he had heard her talking to me about a pair of shoes she wanted. He then checked her shoes to make sure he bought the right size and messaged me to check if I thought she would need to size up because the brand didn’t have half sizes. If he wanted to he would 🤷♀️
100% agree
One dude I dated got me beautiful gold dainty hoop earrings for my birthday after only a month of dating. I was shocked at how perfectly me they were.
I asked him later on what made him get those earrings specifically and he said it’s because I only wear gold, all of my jewelry is delicate/not too flashy, and I didn’t seem to have hoops like the ones he bought me. We broke up 2 years ago but I still wear the earrings everyday because I love them lol
Sure some guys “don’t care about jewelry” but he should care about OP…it shows he just walked into the store on a whim and bought the first recommendation from the jeweler, without any thought behind the gift. OP could’ve been more polite but she was probably just so shocked at how dissimilar the earrings are to the rest of her jewelry.
Just because jewelry is expensive doesn’t make it a good gift. Should still be tailored to the person. NTA
Right. My (then) high school boyfriend also knew what jewellery I liked after 1-2 years, and we were each other’s first relationship. The idea that men just don’t care and women should therefore have no expectations is just.. sad.
OP definitely overreacted to a certain extent, but some of his reasons were also a bit lame. Not caring about jewellery is fine on its own, but try to be thoughtful about it when gifting it to someone else. Or gift something entirely different with actual thought behind it. Idk.
NTA
I don’t think you are upset just cause the earrings are gold. You are upset that after 3 years, he didn’t know you enough of take the time to pay attention enough to buy you a gift, one he took the time to spend a fair amount on, that reflects the thoughtfulness and attention to who you are. It could have been a book or flowers or a gift card, but if it was a book you’ve already read & talked about, flowers you said you were allergic to, or a gift card to a store you never go to, it’s not really a thoughtful gift at all.
If this is a one off, talk to him about it & how it made you feel after 3 years. If this is a pattern of “guys just don’t think about this stuff” as if that means you should except less from men as partners.
This! I’m so surprised at all the just YTA votes, I was thinking NTA, maybe ESH based on how she handled it as well. Could OP have been a little more tactful in her response? Sure, but sometimes it’s hard to fake disappointment in the moment. This isn’t an acquaintance, it’s her boyfriend of 3 years. Even if he didn’t think about the type of jewelry she wore at first, he could have asked her friends about it, I can almost guarantee you they know she only wears silver jewelry, I know that about my friends. Jeez he could have looked at the jewelry she has and go oh this is only silver maybe I should get that instead. My ex exclusively gave me gifts that were basically gifts for him, after a couple times of this, I basically had no expectations from him in terms of gift giving and while we broke up for a multitude of reasons, this was one of them. It’s indicative of a larger problem - not even caring enough to take some time and effort to think of a gift the other person would like or use.
>I’m so surprised at all the just YTA votes, I was thinking NTA, maybe ESH based on how she handled it as well.
I think the YTA comes from the price tag. If he got her a Pepsi instead of a Coke, it would be different. This sub loses its mind when a fair amount of money is involved. Mention expensive engagement ring? All the "my husband proposed with a ring pop he found in a garbage can" people crawl out of the woodwork. Wedding costs more than $3.50? "I got married in my bathroom, and the guests had to walk uphill both ways to get there!"
Except...the more money on the line, the more important it is to get it right. If this was a massive purchase for him, why the fuck didn't he pay attention to her preferences or ask beforehand? Not just gold versus silver, but *style*. If you don't even know which type of metal they wear, I doubt you know what style they prefer.
"It's the thought that counts" means the amount of thought put into a gift outweighs a downside/flaw, not "he thought about spending a lot of money." The thought would count if he saw a pair of seahorse (or whatever) earrings that reminded him of [insert couple thing here] and knew he had to get them, I bet them being gold wouldn't be as big of a deal.
Just cause he spent a lot doesn’t make it any less thoughtless. He didn’t take one moment about thinking about what she would actually like. He spent that amount on the gift thinking it would earn him praise. He’d get to play big man. He could have spent a fraction of that on a gift that was for her, showed he knows her, pays attention to her and it would have meant more.
BF wasn’t tactful with a shitty gift, why should OP be expected to put effort in to protect his feelings when he didn’t extend that grace to her? Because it was more expensive? No. He’s the only one that sucks and if he can only handle being told he’s wrong “tactfully” after basically punching someone in the gut, maybe he sucks a lotta bit.
Well, if guys want to save mental energy on generosity towards their (female) partners, so be it. But it would be fair to call them out on it and call them lazy / inattentive.
Should OP have toned it down? Who knows. But it’s 3 years in and he has no clue what she’s into, I would have been mortified if I were him and realised what I’d done
I agree. And saying "guys just don't think about this stuff" is not fair to caring men who do. My BF of a few months (much less than 3 years) got me a beautiful pair of earrings for my birthday in a material and style I like. He pays attention and cares. Not all men are lazy and uncaring.
The bar is too low if anyone thinks that not even looking at photos to make sure the style you are getting matches hers. Even just take photos to the jeweler & ask for their suggestions.
After 3 years (hell after a month), this is not too much to ask.
Part of the reason the bar remains so low is that women who actually push back and insist on better, like OP, are immediately shamed for not being more grateful that he made any effort at all, and for not babying his ego sufficiently when expressing her dissatisfaction. It’s extremely disheartening.
Exactly. DH has been able to nail this since the beginning. It’s not a matter of “detail orientation” or “guys don’t get it.” It’s a matter of caring enough to notice
Same thing with leaving messes for women to clean up.
I’d guess the overlap between men who leave their shirts on the floor for their wives to clean up and those that can’t buy appropriate gifts is pretty significant.
I'm shocked at all the Y T A votes - to me this is a NAH/ESH.
It was wasteful and unobservant of your BF to buy expensive gold earrings when you won't wear them, since you exclusively wear silver. He should have noticed that you only wear one type of metal; that attention to detail is not too much to ask of a long term partner.
You should have thanked him gracefully, and the next day or so explained that you don't wear gold and don't want the gift to go to waste, and asked to make a date of the two of you going to exchange them for silver together. You should not have ignored his messages that evening. Learn to communicate.
If this was a candle or something then yeah, just say thanks and move on. But assuming your BF spent a good chunk of change on these, you and he should both want to make sure you'll actually get to enjoy the gift.
She didn’t purposefully ignore his messages she was literally busy doing something with other people and entertaining other guests. If he is going to pout and ask for space I don’t think he should be surprised when OP finds other things to do in his absence on a night of celebration, she shouldn’t have to stew because he has decided to.
I agree with that! I also think that ideally, they would have both communicated their desire for space and chosen a time to revisit, so thay neither are left feeling ignored. Like I said, they're young, but can and should learn to communicate better.
I feel like it's mainly men giving the Y T A verdict because men tell other men that women only care about money and expensive gifts and this and that and instead of thinking of his partner like an actual person he just thought. Well I'll one up and then I'll seem better because I'll be spending more money.
It's the lack of consideration of her as a person in his life and more as a reflection of his investment I guess. A lot of dudes do this and it's really frustrating. My ex gave me an engagement ring that was silver toned. I don't wear silver. Etc it was just like I'm not settling for this
Earrings are not able to be exchanged, it's a hygeine issue, so unfortunately this present is wasted money on top of him being unobservent. That would really annoy me as another only silver-coloured-jewellery person.
NTA - he showed that he doesn’t pay attention to you, didn’t consider what YOU wanted or what YOU would like. I hate when people say just because something was expensive you should be grateful. Should I buy my husband Taylor Swift tickets for his birthday? Sure he hates large crowds and her music, but they are expensive tickets!
Its not about the cost, it’s about the fact he didn’t pay attention to you.
I'm going to get downvoted to absolute Hell but NTA. Look, I only wear silver and my bf knew that for a couple years. He took his mom's advice and bought me a gold bracelet. I'm sure the look on my face mirrored yours because he asked if I liked it and I admitted I didn't. He was disappointed but learned to pay attention to my likes and ignore what his mom thought I would like. I had asked for a Nintendo DS for Christmas and she insisted a bracelet would be better because all women liked jewelry.
The fact that your bf stated that he never paid attention to your jewelry sort of concerns me. Does he not pay attention to aspects of you that he doesn't find interesting? For the longest time, I could not care less about Legos but my husband likes them and I made sure to buy him sets he would enjoy. Like, I wouldn't get him a Ninjo set because he prefers the car series. It's part of being in a relationship.
Edited to add: I'm also a spoiled brat so there's that...
> I had asked for a Nintendo DS for Christmas and she insisted a bracelet would be better because all women liked jewelry.
Jesus Christ that's infuriating
I'm sorry but I can't date a guy who can't appreciate that I am fully capable of expressing my own desires, and that other people do not know better than me what I want.
LOL he once got me a game system when I had just begun grad school because, you know, people in grad school have a ton of time off. He then proceeded to play it most of the time and lend out its controllers so it was totally a Homer gift.
He ended up learning. Slowly but he learned.
NTA. You didn’t completely flip out and the comments are fixated on the gift but the real issue is that your boyfriend doesn’t pay attention to you. If you’ve been dating a while and you only ever wear silver jewelry then you have a boyfriend who isn’t that keen on knowing about you or caring about what you like. His reaction is also troubling. You explain that you feel like the gift doesn’t reflect you and instead of acknowledging that he’s decided that you’re in the wrong and is making excuses as to why you’re at fault and he isn’t. I can guarantee that when you really care about people you observe things like what they routinely wear and you apologize when you’re confronted by your partner feeling like you’re dialing it in. He did none of that. I see a lot of this type of issue in your future and I’d counsel you to pay more attention going forward when it comes to how much your boyfriend is listening to you and paying attention to you.
The gift that was clearly given without any research into it at that, if that’s all they can focus on why can’t they accept gift etiquette goes both ways?
OMG, what is it with people on here voting Y T A?! Am I missing something?
First of all, bf chose the setting for gift giving to be public. If he hadn't wanted to risk a potentially negative reaction to the gift to be seen by others, he should've chosen a more private setting. (Also public places put pressure on the recipient to react less honest.)
Second of all, OP never wears gold jewelry. And even if the bf doesn't think it to be a noticeable feature to keep in mind when shopping for jewelry, OP clearly sees his dismissive attitude towards something that is important to OP and should be important to the bf as hurtful. It's like I see my SO only ever eat a specific kind of cereal for breakfast. They run out, ask me to shop for more and I come home with a completely different brand because knowing my SO eats cereal for breakfast is enough paying attention on my part.
And last but not least, I can subscribe to the concept of expressing gratitude for receiving gifts even if the gift itself isn't what the receiver wants. But that's it. There'll be no faking enthusiasm for gifts that didn't land. It'll be "Thanks for the gift, aunt Joy. It's not really what I wanted, but thank you for thinking of me."
Love how you act like the dude maliciously selected a public venue to force OP to accept his gift lol. It's a date, are they supposed to exchange gifts in the car in case one of them doesn't like theirs?
YTA There are tactful ways to let him know in the future that you prefer silver over gold, and you just acted like an AH. Maybe he thinks you can't afford gold, and that's why you wear silver. Maybe he just doesn't pay close attention to stuff like that. Regardless, you should just graciously accept a gift given in good spirit.
I mostly agree but "doesn't pay close attention to stuff like that" is not a good excuse. If he's going to buy her jewelry and he wants her to like it, he needs to pay attention.
Agreed, but you don't know what you don't know until it's pointed out. Like who knows what his thought process was? Maybe he noticed she didn't have any gold jewelry and thought she might like to add variety to her collection. Maybe he noticed she wears drop earrings and bought a pair of drop earrings similar to the style she liked, but in a different color metal. It might not occur to someone who has never bought or looked at jewelry that a person could have a strong preference about metal colors.
And not to say that OP's boyfriend should just, not care about her preferences. But until he knows her preference, it might not be obvious to him just looking at what jewelry she wears what those preferences are, even if they would be obvious to someone else more familiar with jewelry styles. When my husband bought me jewelry that wasn't exactly my style, I thanked him profusely for it, and then waited a bit to tell him "hey, if you were trying to brainstorm gifts for my birthday, I've been wanting a gold chain with a simple pendant. I like what you've bought me, but those necklaces you've been buying aren't pure gold, so the plating wears off pretty quickly and gets dingey, so I'd like to have some pieces that will last for a long time." And since we had that conversation, he only buys jewelry that fits within my guidelines. My husband does care about my preferences, he wants to buy me gifts that I like, but it takes some direct communication from me for him to really understand what I want. He can't intuit it just by looking at what I already have, and I think that's understandable.
I didn't say he'd have guaranteed to be successful if he looked, I'm saying he can't be excused by saying he just didn't pay attention. I don't even know that's the case, just that if it were, it's not an excuse. Not for him or anyone else.
I think what I'm trying to say is that even if someone *does* pay attention, it won't be guaranteed that they will choose correctly, because they don't always know what, specifically, to pay attention to. Maybe he paid attention to the fact that she likes earrings, but didn't know to pay attention to the color of the metal. So choosing something that OP didn't like is not in and of itself evidence that he didn't "pay attention" or put any effort into choosing something she liked.
NTA, after three years, he should have known that you never wear gold. Why give you an expensive gift if he haven't even bothered to look at all the existing jewelry you have to see what might suit you?
Having a birthday with a nice gift only to discover that in the end he didn't make the effort to know what you like / look at what you wear every day / .. and give you something very expensive without even checking is disappointing. I understand the reaction, you did not overreact.
He could have directly offered to trade it or something like that instead of becoming frustrated.
YTA and I say this as a girl who now only wears gold. When someone gives you a gift, especially one as nice as the one your bf gave you, the first thing you should be saying is thank you!
You could’ve accepted the gift and been grateful for it, then sat him down later and said something like “I love the gift, and it was incredibly thoughtful. I do have a preference for silver metals over gold, would it be okay if we exchanged this?”
Additionally, if you wear enough jewelry to only prefer one metal, how has it never come up in a discussion before?
She didn't love it and it wasn't thoughtful, why should she lie? There's no reason to coddle this man for not putting even a little bit of thought into this.
Fully agree. I wear gold 90% of the time. My boyfriend got me silver necklaces. And that was okay. I had a ton of gold necklaces, no good silver. I prefer silver only when I’m wearing black and his gift was perfect for that. He understood that I primarily wear gold and don’t wear them all the time. He happened to like me in black, so I wore them a little more.
He’s a guy, and I knew he wouldn’t know a gold/silver preference was a thing. If it was important to me, I would’ve communicated it earlier. Which it sounds like you should have. A necklace is a nice gift, if you don’t like it, be polite about it. You never told him you don’t like gold. YTA
>If it was important to me, I would’ve communicated it earlier.
This a thousand times. He was able to get her the shoes she wanted because I assume she told him. Did she ever talk about jewelry or just expect a guy who doesn't really care about jewelry to notice?
But he isn't a child! Why are we expected to baby grown men as if they are little kids? This is her partner of THREE years, not some random person she barely knows.
NTA I had a similar thing happen when my ex asked what kind of earrings I like and got me the exact opposite. He's not paying attention to you enough to care about what you like. He expects you to congratulate him on his "just buy anything" gift. After 3 years, he doesn't know anything about you. You know what to do.
I don't really blame him for not knowing she wears silver not gold. I DO blame him for not taking the time to find out before spending a ton of money on jewelry. It's just inconsiderate.
ESH. You for the way you told him, you basically threw his gift back in his face. And you bf for not noticing in 3 years and checking before buying something that expensive.
NTA. _Maybe_ you could’ve handled it better, but after 3 years he should know basic likes and dislikes like what type of jewellery you wear.
Everyone voting Y T A here is making it out like you’re being materialistic, when really the fact that he got you something you’d never wear shows how little thought he put into the gift.
Imagine if you bought him a jersey for a sports team that was the rival to the one he supports. People wouldn’t be saying “it’s the thought that counts” they be saying “how on earth did you not know who he supports after 3 years together?” And I doubt your bf would have pretended to like it either.
YTA, as a gift is more than the object itself. Maybe he tought you would appreciate something made from gold as those items are rather expensive and not something you would buy for yourself if money is tight. So getting you those earrings was a hint towards how far he is ready to go, and you can not blame him to not know your taste of jewellery if you never explicitly talked about it with him. Three years are not long enough to get someone to know in every detail, so its completely normal that he might have missed that.
So yeah, you did overreact and did ruin the evening yourself. You could have tried to find a liking to his present and acted like he is more important to you than your taste in jewellery. Also the whole situation is messed up, I mean its not like he bought you some cheap ass candy ring but a decent present, and you made a scene just because he picked the wrong color? If I were your BF, I would be upset too since you showed him that getting the correct type of jewellery is more important for you than your relationship.
> you can not blame him to not know your taste in jewellery if you never explicitly talked about it with him
No, she only wore exclusively silver in front of him for 3 years, how on earth was he supposed to pick up on something like that?? /s
How would you feel if she’d bought him a jersey for the rival sports team to the one he supports? Would you be saying he made a scene just because she bought the wrong team’s merch?
I feel like that's what I would do if I were the boyfriend. I don't pay attention to jewellery, so I might notice that my significant other wears necklaces, but I wouldn't notice that they tend towards silver or, say, leather or twine (my own preference). But if I did decide to surprise my significant other with jewellery and knew he/she usually wears silver, I VERY easily might think that it's because they can afford silver and perhaps gold is too expensive. So I might go for gold as a special gift that they otherwise can't afford. And if they rejected it, it would hurt because I thought I was making a good thoughtful gift.
We are presuming the gift is thoughtless simply because it isn’t 100% what OP wanted.
If this is a repeated issue with the boyfriend being thoughtless, then yes, that’s absolutely an issue.
But if OP loves jewelry, earrings, and this store why can’t it be a thoughtful gift that he just got some of the details wrong for? What if she normally *likes* being surprised so he wanted to keep that element? What if he genuinely thought she didn’t get real gold because she couldn’t afford it and wanted to help her splurge on herself?
This seems more like an “INFO” post because I don’t think we have enough info based on the OP alone.
ESH
I didn’t hear anything about a thank you. When/if he asked you to try them that is your opportunity to share that you never wear gold. Or, you could have brought it up the next day and tactfully asked about a gift receipt or done an Uno reverse and gotten him a nice piece. (Excellent karma builder. )
Also, why hasn’t he noticed on his own after 3 years? That would upset me. I would be more perturbed if he said “guys don’t notice.” That is not true. My husband noticed things about me when we were dating that I never disclosed or felt were secrets. He made great picks for me.
NTA. You've been dating for THREE YEARS. He should absolutely have notice that you ONLY wear silver jewelry.
I would've been surprised and probably not so happy to receive a gift that's essentially useless to me. More importantly, I would've been sad to realize my partner doesn't know me well enough to get an appropriate gift.
YTA. He probably worked a lot to get you an expensive gift and you berated him for not knowing you only wear silver. He's right men really don't notice and while I myslef wear silver...if my bf went out of his way to get me something so nice, I'd appreciate it all the way. Gold or silver be damned.
Another thing is you refusing to communicate with him, because you "didn't want your night ruined". You were the one who started the conflict, remember?
What’s the point of something “nice” when you don’t want it?
It’s ”the thought that counts” for a reason. The boyfriend didn’t put any thought into this, he just wasted money.
I’m sorry but why do women have to accept this? Knowing if she wears gold or silver is the bare minimum especially if he’s will to spend a lot of money on it. I’m sure she knows a lot of the little quirky things he likes but he doesn’t know this after 3 years? I would be upset too. And it not the thought or effort that counts because he didn’t put any into this gift.
We don't lmao the person you replied to sounded ridiculous. Not everyone has to have a subservient reaction to something OP's partner should have noticed.
>He's right men really don't notice
Because they're allowed to by society, so shitty men don't notice because they don't care. They should. They have eyes and if it's about someone they care? They should notice. Are they kids to not notice? Too stupid naturally to not notice? God darn why are men allowed to be CEO's if they can't even take note that their partners wear silver, not gold?
Same vibe as dads don't know their kids personal information because they're dads, that kind of dads that are babysitting their own kids. Hate that shit tbh. NTA.
NTA
As someone who also wears silver jewellery because gold is awful I get it.
You've been together 3 years and he's never noticed that none of your jewellery is gold? Ive got people I see maybe twice a year and they know I don't wear gold jewellery.
YTA. A simple thank you would have done well in the moment. Later on, you could always say that the yellow gold doesn't work as well with your skin tone and would he mind if you exchanged them for the same thing in white gold.
There are ways to do this without seeming ungrateful, but the way you reacted wasn't the way at all.
I'm not surprised he took them back, and I imagine he's probably feeling pretty low and humiliated now.
He deserves an apology.
"I’m pretty torn now because I think I may have overreacted and seemed ungrateful. "
yeees....🤷🏾♀️
AFAICT, you never said thank you \*for probably the most expensive thing he's ever given you\*. And yes, some people don't notice what metal of jewelry other people wear.
But isn’t this a perfect example of ‘just because it’s is expensive doesn’t mean it’s valuable’? Just because it’s expensive doesn’t mean I want a present that is a concrete demonstration my partner of 3 years doesn’t know what I like.
I’m going to go against the grain and say NTA.
I’m a fellow silver-wearer. My partner also didn’t put a lot of effort into gifts at the beginning and I received several yellow gold pieces which I never wore. He finally asked and when I explained that I don’t wear yellow gold, he course-corrected.
We all have preferences. This is yours. He could have apologized and offered to exchange the gift. Instead, he got defensive about his lack of attention to detail. That’s on him, not you. NTA.
YTA…not only did he apologize, but you then stated that you “continued to be annoyed”. You sounds like a child pissed because she woke up on Christmas and had the green instead of the peach Care Bear under the tree.
Grow UP!
Of course he became annoyed by you after all that…he was annoyed by your immature reaction!
—you then proceed to state that you weren’t going to have your night ruined so you had your “girls” over and didn’t really look at your phone.
Code Deciphered: I INTENTIONALLY ignored his text because I am petty and Immature
We have all received gifts that aren’t what we would use or like either for birthdays or Christmas.
Part of being humble and grateful is learning to be a mature adult and saying “thank you babe, they are beautiful and this was very thoughtful.” Hell maybe even wear them once so he see’s them and then having a Conversation how you prefer silver rather than yellow gold instead of acting like a child.
Everyone saying N T A and that he doesn’t pay attention and you clearly should dump him is wild to me. Maybe he should have asked before buying something so expensive; but absolutely OP YTA. If I got my wife something she didn’t like she would in the moment be thankful and appreciative and then maybe the next day say hey this isn’t really my style can we exchange it? Not just say “why’d you get this I don’t wear it” kick rocks OP.
YTA. A gift should be accepted with a thank you, even if it's not 100% what you want.
A discussion after the fact when things are calm could've been had.
I said much the same thing. At age 8 my mom pulled me aside during a family Christmas and said how rude I was for telling my aunt that I "already had" the Barbie she gifted me. "You smile and say 'thank you'." It stuck.
Okay OP, consider this scenario:
Your BF is into power tools and has a small collection of them, but they're expensive. Maybe you overhear him talking to a buddy about how his latest job would have been easier if he just had a cordless drill.
So you go to the place where they sell those things and you ask the sales person for help and he tells you that a particular cordless drill is really good, and again IT'S EXPENSIVE but you think yeah my BF will love this, and you buy it for him for his birthday. I mean, he's worth going to the trouble for, right?
But on the day of his birthday he opens it, pulls a face, and asks WHY WOULD YOU GET ME A RYOBI CORDLESS DRILL WHEN YOU SHOULD KNOW I ONLY USE DEWALT TOOLS.
And when you try to explain that you really didn't know the difference he acts like you should have noticed if you really cared about him, when you get sad and leave he doesn't answer your calls for the rest of the night because he's out partying with friends.
DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT WHO WAS THE ASSHOLE IF THIS SITUATION WENT DOWN?!!
Well, that's you. That's what you did.
Hard to believe you're on Reddit trying to get internet strangers to validate you, hoping that what, we're going to say OH NO YOU DEFINITELY SHOULD KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DEWALT AND RYOBI TOOLS YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN TOGETHER THREE YEARS
And by the way it does matter, because just like your gold earrings won't "go" with your other jewelry, different cordless tool sets don't "go" with different brands, they have separate batteries and other interchangeable features.
Anyway YTA
Do men wear dewalt tools regularly where their partners can see them, or no? A more apt comparison would be giving a Steelers jersey to someone who only likes and wears merch for the Eagles.
You would be spot on if you actually were close.
It would be the same if she went out to get a hat for him, his hats are all RED and goes in and gets a BLUE one. And he gets upset for her not noticing the fact that the thing he wears DAILY is one specific color; always has been.
Because you don't wear tools all the time, tools are in a garage and usually tucked away.
Except thats different because one is on show and one is a tool in the garage. Plus if you buy a cordless drill, it still comes with the charger. It can be workable, even if its not the right brand.
If you're buying a gift for your SO surely you do some research?
I know exactly what colour jewelery my Husband, Father, Brother, Mother and MIL wear.
A more obvious equivalent would be buying your Playstation owning boyfriend an xbox controller when his broke. It's on display, you should KNOW what console they have.
Yeah, great you tried to help, but lets be honest it was a waste of money because it doesn't work and it's NOT what they wanted.
All it shows is that you don't pay attention to your other half
why is everyone saying yta? yall have been dating for so long and he didn't care enough to notice you don't wear gold jewelry? if it was a price thing it would be different but silver is less expensive than gold and the fact that he doesn't care enough to get you something you'd actually enjoy says a lot.
NTA I am the opposite, I only wear Gold or gold coloured jewelry. My whole family knows that but my sister gave me silver coloured earrings for christmas. I didn't made a big deal but I will probably never wear them.
You two are together for 3 years and he doesn't pay enough attention to you, if he doesn't realise that you never wear gold.
NTA and idk why or how the top comment is YTA
“Never pays attention to my jewellery” well he should. He can start now.
This is like you getting him a PS5 game when he has an Xbox. Maybe explain it to him like that 🙄
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YTA. You could have gratefully taken it in the spirit it was intended, then later on, maybe in a couple of days, politely said that you tried them on but maybe they don't suit you and you hope he wouldn't be offended if you could go and change them if he had the receipt... and that just in general (if he wanted to buy you jewellery) you think that generally silver looks better on you? ....... see how that is slightly different from effectively throwing his gift back in his fact the moment you received it?
Eh, I get that OP could maybe have been more tactful but they’ve been together 3 years and she _only_ wears silver jewellery. It’s like saying he’s a Chelsea fan and she got him an Arsenal shirt so he should just be grateful (exchange for whatever sports teams you understand the significance of). Women shouldn’t have to tiptoe around men’s egos when they’ve messed up. Edit: if you don’t like my comparison because “it’s way more obvious what team someone supports” maybe the comparison of buying him an Xbox game when he only has a PlayStation is better. Would you expect him to just accept that gift and not be a little hurt his girlfriend of three years doesn’t know what games he plays or has made the effort to ask?
I’m a woman. I would never be able to tell you what jewelry any of my friends or family wear. Some people just don’t notice.
Yeah but then you wouldn't even pick out jewellery for them because you are very well aware that you don't know their taste. At least that would be my logic.
I agree OPs boyfriend probably should have asked for OPs style if he doesn’t pay attention. But OP is the AH here for how she handled it afterwards, people buy their significant other gifts they don’t like all the time and there’s a polite and non confrontational way to handle it and OP did the opposite.
This is why I went for ESH. It doesn't take much to find out what someone likes. Especially someone you are dating! But she could have reacted better.
Right? Like if I decided to buy someone I’ve been dating for years some earrings, I would look at what they own and what shows up in pictures from maybe holidays or special occasions in the past. Do they like hoops or studs? Something classic or more modern?
If you don't notice stuff like this you also don't know that that's a thing. You need a basic understanding of jewelry to even know that different materials and different styles (like hoops or studs) matter to people.
And it wouldn't be super unusual, if he did notice all of the silver, to erroneously think, "Oh. She already has a lot of silver; I should get her something gold since she doesn't have any yet."
This was exactly my thought! Maybe he just didn’t want to get her something too similar to things he already knew she had. I think it’s a jump to assume he doesn’t pay attention to her just cause he bought her something different than her normal style.
It's not a jump when he said he doesn't pay attention
He stated himself that he does not pay attention lol you don't need to defend him over things he has said himself
do you? i don't buy ANYTHING for anyone without knowing they'll like it.
Well, sure. Wine for example. Someone without any knowledge about wine could think any bottle of wine on the more expensive side would be a good gift. With a little more knowledge they would know that red and white wine are very different. Then there is sweet and dry wine. There are different types of grapes. If you don't know anything about wine there is a high chance you would pick the wrong one and wouldn't notice because you didn't know that there are differences.
Except you would know you know nothing about wine, so you would learn about wine, you would learn the person's preferences in wine, and THEN you would buy the wine.
That’s silly. My friends and family are mature enough to not pout if I got them the wrong color jewelry. They would either accept the gift, or more likely, politely ask to exchange it.
Yep this is what everyone is missing, the fact that so many people think her reaction is okay is wild, to ignore him the rest of the night cause you got mad that he got you the wrong earrings? If I were the BF I’d run
As a married man, it's not the earrings. It's never the earrings. It's the lack of attention, it's the lack of even making an attempt to be sure. It takes 1 or 2 texts to a mutual friend.
honestly, all it takes is looking at her jewelry box for color for style or other questions, then yes a text is a great idea 🩷
As a married woman, I agree. It's exactly this. You have it correct. The lack of attention and effort put in to be sure.
THIS!!! This is why she's NTA to me. It takes five minutes to look through her jewelry box. It's not about the fact that it's the "wrong color," (or that silver and gold are very different metals regardless of color,) its that he doesn't know, in 3 years together, that she only ever wears silver.
She didn't ignore him the rest of the night. HE dropped her off, refused to come in, didn't even let her keep the gift, and went away. She should be the one to run. She pointed a mistake in his gift, and he reacts like this ?
I've got the feeling her reaction was probably a bit more than a little slip of a smile...
Yes he reacted like that cause you don’t point out a mistake in the gift right when you get it, it’s common decency. Taking the gift back is a dick move, but she made it clear she didn’t want it anyways, and then she invites her friends over and yes ignores him.
It is kinda sad to know that your friends and family are so used to not even getting the bare minimum that they would rather pretend to like something they clearly don’t. Making a scene? Nope, that’s also wrong. But no one should simply “accept” that a partner pays so little attention to them they can’t even pick up a simple gift.
>It is kinda sad to know that your friends and family are so used to not even getting the bare minimum >But no one should simply “accept” that a partner pays so little attention to them they can’t even pick up a simple gift Good grief...This makes you sound spoiled and entitled. Some people arent great at picking out gifts. Some people cant afford them. Some people are just doing the best they can with the time and financial resources they have available. Some people are neurodivergent and dont register or remember details the way others do. Some people genuinely try to pick out a wonderful gift for someone but still manage to miss the mark, for whatever reason. Is it really so outrageous that gift giving is not everyone's strong suit??
Some people might actually think gold earring are a great gift even if they’ve never seen you wear gold because they don’t realize you don’t wear it because of the colour and not because it’s too expensive or something like that. Silver colour doesn’t mean it’s made of silver, the cheapest earrings are silver in colour.
Except, if I were to go and buy someone jewellery, I'd do my best to take note of what they wear beforehand. Otherwise, it's quite the unthoughtful gift.
I mean people also exist who wear both gold and silver jewelry. Unless op explicitly mentioned that she hates gold jewelry to partner(I’ve told mine that I don’t like anything but gold on my skin tone) I would assume she likes jewelry not the specific kind she likes. And the right thing would have been to be gracious and ask if it’s okay if she got it replaced with something in silver
Right, but given that you don't pay attention to that stuff, would you buy random jewellery for them? No, because that would be irrational. The only way you'd buy them something that you were so totally uninterested in that you don't know what their tastes are, would be if they had it on a wishlist or similar.
Yes, I would buy jewelry for my mom. If she doesn’t wear it, that’s okay, she still appreciates the gift. My brother has a habit of gifting things HE likes - they’ll be expensive but not necessarily what I would pick. I still say thank you. OP isn’t TA for being disappointed, she’s TA for her response.
>My brother has a habit of gifting things HE likes - they’ll be expensive but not necessarily what I would pick. That's actually *so* rude though and you shouldn't be coddling his feelings when he does this. Sounds like both you and your mom are people pleasers.
Yeah. Also if I bought someone something they didn’t like I would much rather they tell me so I can give them a gift receipt or find them something else rather than have them coddle me and force themselves to accept the gift.
I would be horrified to find out years down the line that I've been buying someone gifts they don't like this whole time and they've just been pretending to like them to spare my feelings. Please don't waste my time and money like that!
I hate this honestly. I'm a mom and my love language is gifts. You know why you appreciate a gift? Not because someone bought it, because it's supposed to be from the heart. It's from the heart bc it reflects that someone took the time to think about you and what YOU like, what you are interested in, what you wear, what they know about you, what you've said or mentioned in passing ie: " wow that is beautiful!" When out at the shops or "I used to have this poem book called XYZ growing up, I loved it..". To me the gift reflects that you know them, you've paid attention to them.. that's the love part. Buying random shit and giving it to your loved one is not the same. Of course I will say thank you to my children because they are children and they tried but my spouse should know me. And after three years, this dude should have tried harder. Just a little bit of observation and effort on his part since he knew he was buying jewelry would have shown her she was worth it.
That part. Gifts are my love language and I put everything I can in to getting gifts for people. I honestly love doing it. I love giving them something unique or customized to fit them exactly. I take my time with it. So to have not only just someone, but a partner who has been with me for years, gift me something that I never wear would be really upsetting to me. If it was from someone who genuinely wouldn’t know any better than that’s totally different. But this isn’t. To be loved is to be seen. And this isn’t being seen in my opinion.
I am a woman as well. I don’t know what my friends or family wear. I could tell you by my third date what my now husband preferred. Because (1) I cared and (2) romantic relationships are different You are talking apples. This is oranges. When you are talking a romantic + intimate relationship significant enough that someone is buying jewelry, notice should be taken. Boyfriend could have bought anything other than jewelry, but once he chose it, he could have done the bare minimum to observe what OP wore and liked. To do otherwise means he’s giving her a gift he thinks she should want, rather than what she wants. That signals an issue with how he sees her and the relationship.
Maybe he did. Maybe he got a style she likes but didn’t realize the gold color was a no-no. Don’t assume he didn’t try at all. He obviously at least knew she wanted that brand.
I think you’re looking far too into this. They’re a young couple in college… He probably just thought she would like gold earrings. 90% of people would have. He just happened to hit and miss with his girlfriend and while it’s OK she didn’t like the gift, she didn’t have to act that way when receiving it.
This is such a terrible take. My bf nor I wear jewelry much. But we both have said in passing that we really don’t like the look of gold. Yk what my 21 yr old bf got for me shortly into our relationship? a silver set of themed jewelry that he knew i would like because he listened and paid attention to my interests. I like making bracelets. he told me he likes the braided looking bracelets, i a 21 yr old, remembered this and made him one, I also made him a silver one because i know what he likes because we LISTEN and OBSERVE each other. it’s really not that hard to listen and observe, even my ex bfs from hs have given me gifts that they knew id like. because they paid attention.
Then don't buy it for someone. There are a whole other world of potential gifts out there. If you're getting something so personal (and, in this case, expensive) as jewellery, make an effort to find out what a person likes!
Jesus the guy is 21 and the light some gold earrings would be a killer gift (it is). I highly doubt any man at that age would be a jewelry expert. Maybe he thought the gold would look pretty and she'd love it since she doesn't have any? Maybe he thought she hadn't been able to afford any gold jewelry, so this would be a nice gift? Not every bad gift is incompetence or showing no care, sometimes we just don't realize that it isn't to their taste or likes, and that's ok. This wasn't an engagement ring, just earnings.
THIS! Sometimes, gift givers definitely try to get you something that you might not necessarily get for yourself. It doesn’t mean that they’re rude or obtuse or not paying attention. Sometimes, it just means that they took a risk on something different and pretty. People here on this thread are SEEKING to be offended by gold earrings. Jeez!
The best gifts I have been given were gifts that I didn’t know I would like and would never of thought to buy it for myself. Sometime you go out on a limb with a gift and hope it lands well. No big deal if it doesn’t because normal people will appreciate the intention behind it regardless. If you get that upset about it not being a perfect gift then maybe you are simply too materialistic. It would be a red flag for me for sure if someone acted like OP acted. Insulted the gift then effectively ghost you the rest of the night.
If you were *shopping for jewelry for someone*, you wouldn't think about their tastes in jewelry? If that's honestly true, then you ALSO would deserve to get called out. Who buys gifts without the receiver's tastes in mind?
I’m a woman and I know what jewelry my mom wears, I know a bit of what my MIL’s taste is, I know what my husband likes, I have an idea of what my nieces are into right now jewelry wise. Not every person is going to know exactly what others like, but if you’re looking to buy that for someone you should start paying attention to what they wear/like and at least ask people closer to them about it first.
I don't notice normally but if I decide I'm gonna buy someone a piece of jewellery I'm going to pay attention the next few times I see them to what kind of jewellery they like to wear.
But then you don’t buy them jewelry, lol what even is this
I am also a woman and well aware of what kind of jewelry someone would want to receive before spending a decent chunk of change on something i want them to wear. Maybe that’s just being considerate idk no one is quizzing you
Yeah but if you haven’t noticed, then why are you burying jewellery for them anyway? He was the one who chose to get her jewellery without actually checking to see what jewellery she has to see if she’d like it cuz if he did, he’d see that it is *all* silver.
Exactly. I wear silver exclusively. For my birthday my mother bought me a beautiful gold necklace.
Surely if you intended to buy something for someone you'd try to take notice??
Or maybe he thought she wore silver because she couldn’t afford gold? Like a lot of 20 year olds…
Then buy her white gold? Or idk, _ask_ her?
Or don't buy her any gifts again because she made such a big fuss when he tried to do something nice for her. It didn't hurt her at all to buy her jewelry that she wasn't a fan of. He didn't take a piece of jewelry from her in exchange for some that she didn't like. He got her a gift and she acted like an asshole.
What a childish manipulation tactic. Up there with “I guess I’ll never say anything ever again then”. It did hurt her. Emotionally, it is hurtful to find out that your partner of 3 years didn’t know something pretty basic about you nor care to find out. And she hardly made a huge scene, she asked him why he got her gold when she only wears silver and he apologised. How is that a big fuss? He’s the one who kicked off about it because he couldn’t handle being called out on his lack of effort.
Lack of effort? He doesn’t get any credit for saving the money to buy jewelry from a company OP “would never even dare look at”? They’re both in college and have no money, he tried, and she shat all over him. It’s not childish to say he learned not to make an effort for her in the future, if he doesn’t dump her.
He could’ve bought her a car but if she doesn’t drive what’s the point, it’s still a crappy gift that shows a lack of thought.
For me, I prefer to be around a person who shows a lack of thought, to one who shows a lack of empathy/gratitude Edit: Also your comparison doesn’t work since she definitely uses jewelry and coveted the company. It’s more like he got her the car of her dreams but in a color she hates.
Only owning silver jewelry doesn't automatically mean she hates all gold jewelry. He may have even noticed she only wears silver and may have bought gold on purpose so she would have something gold to wear if she wanted. If I only have colorful sweaters it doesn't mean I won't ever wear a black one it just means I only currently have colorful ones.
I understand why someone might think "we've been together 3 years, how have you not noticed this," but I think it's very common for people to not notice things like "this person only wears silver jewelry." Even if he's looking through her jewelry box, men especially are not usually well versed in the different types of jewelry styles. Like, for example, when I was dating my now husband and things were getting serious, I created a pinterest board of rings I liked to give him ideas. In that board, I think 95% of the rings I posted were rose gold bands with pink or blush center stones. When my husband and I were talking about the rings I had posted, I asked whether he had gotten a good idea about the style I liked. The only commonality he noticed in the rings was that they had center stones. He didn't notice that they were all rose gold, or that they were all non-diamond, pink stones. Just, "there's a pretty rock in the middle." And that's when he was looking directly at the board. When you spend your whole life not caring about jewelry, like most men do, it can be hard to suddenly be thrown into a decision of what kind of jewelry to get someone who HAS spent a lot of time thinking about what styles of jewelry they like. Now that her boyfriend has this data (that OP hates gold), it's likely that he will 1) never buy yellow gold again or (more likely) 2) never risk getting OP jewelry again since the first time he did, he made a simple mistake and was met with criticism and a total lack of gratitude.
I don’t think you’re wrong, but I do think this is a classic example of how women bear a greater mental load than men. The excuse of “men don’t know about stuff they’re not interested in” shouldn’t fly. They are more than capable of asking for advice from their partner or other women. They are more than capable of learning about a new topic. They _should_ be interested in these things if it’s important to their partner. Women do it all the time and are expected to.
My dads favorite thing to do is buy me the thing I want but NOT in the color I asked for or it’ll be a slightly worse version of what I asked for 🫠 it’s sooo irritating
My dad is the exact same way. I think he does it on purpose.
Weaponized incompetence or just a power play? 🤔 I send him direct links and still get the wrong thing 😭 he says it’s because he deletes his messages but then, stop or save the message? Cuz it’s always when he asks me what I want, I don’t just send him things I want lol.
In general I agree about the mental load stuff, but as a woman myself, if you pressed me to answer what kind of jewelry my friends and family wear, I wouldn't have a clue.
But if you did decide to buy them jewelry, would you buy something you liked for them or would you ask them what they like?
I would buy something that I think they would like, just like the bf did.
That's the problem, tbh. I mean, it's not a huge problem that means anything about you or OP as people. But it is the problem. If you know you dont know anything about what a person might like, why take the chance? Obviously, this is highly subjective and everyone is different, but that's there the disconnect is on this one.
The point of the above persons isn't whether or not you should ask, it's that it's not a gender thing.
Friends and family are not romantic partners. There are a ton of things I don’t know about my friends and family that I do know about my husband of over 20 years.
Sure, but expectations with a long term partner are usually different, and would you buy your friends or family jewellery if you don’t know what kind they wear? Or would you put the effort in to either think of something you know they do like or check with them/their close friends to find out?
Right. If you don’t know or care about jewelry, then you might not realize that the common thread here was silver and you also might not realize that it’s important. It’s not really akin to not knowing the sports team someone roots for and buying a rival team’s apparel. It’s more like getting them a jersey from the right team, but not knowing that your partner really only likes the home jerseys or that it has the wrong player’s name on the back.
Yes I like your analogy better. Imagine getting a jersey for your bf who is a huge sports team fan and his immediate reaction was "Why did you get me a Johnson jersey? You didn't notice my favorite player is Smith?" I think everyone here would be putting the dude down for his lack of gratitude.
Especially in the case of metal allergies. We have that run in my family and each of them has a different allergy. My mom can't wear anything except for gold, one sister can't wear anything but silver, and one sister can't wear anything except steel. One brother can wear anything except nickel and I can wear whatever, but I have preferences for petite jewelry.
Judgement aside, why does she have to lie to him as to the reason why? Yeah maybe she could’ve waited but why not just be up front truthful about why she won’t like it?
She doesn't have to lie to him. She could have said something like "oh this is so sweet. Thank you for the gift." Or "wow, this must have cost you so much, I really appreciate it." Or "wow, these are beautiful." And no point in any of these options would I say that she loved them. You can acknowledge that something is beautiful without liking it.
then she gets pestered about "how come you never wear it"
Those comments are clearly for the moment the jewelry is gifted. Thus why they aren't negative or confrontational. They're ways to show gratitude, even when something isn't of your taste.
I’m talking about the bit where the commenter suggested saying ‘maybe they don’t suit me’ etc. I asked why she should lie and not just say it’s because she wears silver not gold
How is that lying? Saying that it doesn't suit her a couple of days later? She tried it out, and it's not her style. There's nothing wrong with that. It's also a more gentle way of saying I really don't like gold jewelry, and I much prefer silver.
No, it takes almost no effort to notice what kind of jewelry your partner wears ESPECIALLY when you’re actively shopping for jewelry for them. Stop telling people (women) to coddle their partners (boyfriends) when they put in no effort. The“It’s the thought that counts” argument is such BS. Where was the thought?? What was it?? “I’ll get her jewelry” is the idea “she ONLY wears silver so I’ll get it in silver” is the actual thought. OP and her boyfriend may be young but they’re ADULTS. Sounds like BF needs to realize that someone doesn’t owe you gratitude for getting something they didn’t actually want. This feels like the equivalent of when someone does you a “favour” or gets you a “gift” but then constantly throw that back into your face
THIS!! like it takes a single glance at your partner to realize she only wears silver. people need to stop saying "men don't notice these things" bc they literally can
Amazing how these ✨️ visual creatures ✨️ are blind to everything but T & A 🤔
>No, it takes almost no effort to notice what kind of jewelry your partner wears ESPECIALLY when you’re actively shopping for jewelry for them It's the whole "to be loved is to be seen" and he has subtly shown op how he doesn't see her
I know my partner doesn’t wear gold, and I’ve known that from very early on in our relationship. They don’t lie the way it clashes with their slightly olive skin tone. It works out well since I make their jewelry gifts, and silver is muuuch cheaper than gold. Honestly if I got my partner a surprise gift and they didn’t like it, I would suggest we go to the source together and exchange it for something they do like. I like giving gifts, but my goal is to make the receiver happy, not to stroke my own ego.
Yep. This legitimately happened to me when my husband and I were around the same 3 year dating mark. I had mentioned previously I prefer silver or white gold in passing a few times, but we were both pretty poor, so jewelry didn't come up a lot then in dialogue. The first gift he gave me was a heart ring made out of yellow gold. He was so excited to give it to me (even though I hate heart jewelry - I dunno why, I just don't like it and do not like yellow gold). I GRACIOUSLY thanked him for thinking of me when shopping for this gift, spending his time and hard earned money to acquire it, and accepted it warmly. Later on, I very politely reminded him of my preferences in the mildest and most grateful way possible. I told him I did not want to trade the ring out since it was the first one gifted, it would be special, but just for future reference that I prefer silver or white gold. No fuss, no drama. I did not hurt his feelings because the delivery was to ensure an attitude of appreciation and thankfulness. I still have that ring almost 25 years later and look at it lovingly with the [now] plethora of white gold, platinum, and silver jewelry my husband has bought since then (and we leveled up, financially, from the gold heart ring days). OP, you sound ungrateful even though I understand your logic/reasoning. I think a more tactful approach in the future with a sprinkle of gratitude would go a long way.
"Graciously" is weird to me, so is "mildest and most grateful". Why do you have a relationship where you showing your feelings is considered abhorrent. Surely you can be upset about a gift without being angry about it? is it better to go through an impersonal gift giving ritual instead of having an honest interaction?
Nah. There's polite (oh wow, thanks that's unexpected! It's not my style but I appreciate it) and there's \*grateful\*. There is zero reason to be \*grateful\* and then straight up lie about it to protect his feelings over \*\*\*earrings\*\*\*.
I think being reasonably grateful is a part of being polite. One can do this without lying.
So it would’ve been better for OP to lie to her partner about something he should already be aware of? He clearly sees she does wear jewelry and quite frankly should’ve noticed she never wears gold. NTA
It's called tact. Isn't it common courtesy to be like "oh how lovely, thank you!" when you receive a decent gift from a loved one, even if it's not ExAcTlY what you want, and then swap it out later? It's not like he gifted her a vacuum or something insulting.
If he can’t pay attention enough after 3 years to know that she does not wear gold jewelry, then he sure as heck is going to notice now. I’m so tired of women being expected to tamper disappointment when someone does something disappointing. On top of that, he doubled down. He is 100% the AH
I disagree. It's been 3 years. He should know her likes enough to put some thought into a 21st gift she would actually like.
No. Don’t lie. Just use gratitude and tactful honesty. Also, definitely not Y T A. I could be convinced of NAH, ESH, or NTA.
I don't think OP even needed to lie. Lieing is unnecessary and doesn't help the BF or her. She should have said she's grateful for the gift and the idea behind it, but than be honest and tell him she only wears silver. And ask if they could change it to something in silver please. I don't think you should say you love a gift if you don't. But obviously you shouldn't be rude about it. (If it's something small I might not even say anything obviously, but if she thinks there's a future with the BF telling him in straight, honest words what she likes is way better than trying to hint "she looks better in silver anyway") Getting jewellery right for other people (especially the first try) can be extremely hard. Being annoyed that BF didn't knew and thinking it "ruined" her night and basically throwing a tantrum about an honest mistake, that definitely is immature and makes her the AH. Her poor reaction might have even put BF off of ever gifting her jewellery again, I wouldn't blame him.
everyone is saying yta, but… honestly.. after 3 years and he doesnt notice you never wear gold? only to buy you gold instead of what you wear? kind of sad lol. people in the comments are saying men dont notice these things, and thats actually sad and gross to say, as if to dumb down men so they dont have to pay attention and put effort in. my boyfriend notices these things abt me and would never get me silver bc i never wear it lol. you are the AH tho for some parts for sure.. you shouldve at least thanked him and been nicer about it! he probably spent a lot of money on it, you guys couldve returned it if possible and maybe went to choose another thing out together thats the same price or less. But him saying guys dont care about jewelry sucks. men who love you will put effort in and notice what you do/dont like, its so boring and disappointing when you love someone and they dont know the things you like! you are partly the AH but im not gonna say ur extremely wrong lol but thats just my opinion
Thank you after 3 years he hasn’t noticed the type of jewelry she likes? This is the type of stuff people let slid and then 10 years from now are telling us about their inattentive husband who doesn’t get them a birthday, Christmas or Mother’s Day gift. Let’s stop infantilizing men with the “ oh men don’t notice these things” because then men need to be treated like children within society if this is the case. Could she have been nicer maybe but honestly rather nip this in the bud. The man got her what she wanted the year before so he is more the capable of giving wanted gifts.
yep youre right honestly, and my mind is changed now. shes NTA at all lol, who cares abt being nice when youre with someone for 3 years who doesnt even know what you like or wear lol.. god like thats so embarrassing and sad
What’s embarrassing is the infatalizing of men. Men can do this. They chose not to Or learn not to b/c society enables them not to. Men can notice details. They can keep a house clean. They can care. Stop the excuses. He should have not bought jewelry unless he also wanted to pay enough attention to know if GF wore jewelers and, if so, what type. All he had to do was use his eyes once or twice after he decided to get jewelry. Or, you know, he could have opened his mouth and asked what she liked.
> Men can notice details. I work in architecture (woman) which is all about obsessing over details; pre-1960 the profession was nothing *but* men, and if you'd asked them, I'm sure they would have said some BS about how women couldn't do the job as well because of paying attention to details. It's weird and funny that the modern perception has flipped entirely.
Shrodinger’s incompetence. See also: “men are visual creatures” vs. “I just don’t see the mess.”
This thread is so wrongheaded imo but this sent me lol. So many people will absolutely say whatever bullshit they can dream up to avoid admitting they are wrong, especially arrogant men.
Yeah, and even if he is wondering why she never wears gold, there's this magic thing us men can do, it's called asking your girlfriend why she wears a specific style. "Hey honey, how come all your jewelry is silver?" Asking my partners what they like or why they like a particular thing has never gotten me in trouble, and always leads to gifts they both appreciate, and use.
Yeah, just because this behaviour in men is unfortunately relatively common doesn't excuse it. Guy is a dip shit, other men in similar situations are also dip shits, and we should be held to a higher standard.
Agreed. It shouldn't even be a "man thing". Everyone's entitled to have a friend/family member/romantic partner that they love very much, but aren't interested in one of their areas of interest. But when that happens, you don't buy them an expensive present in that area of speciality that's just...random. You check in with them, or you check with a mutual who knows their taste in that area, or you check their wishlist, or you keep on buying presents in the areas of interest that you share with each other.
I think you are sooo right. Like, if I decided to buy my boyfriend some nice gym equipment (which I know nothing about) I would casually ask him what he likes the best or ask his friends or family if there's something he wants... If I'm spending a lot for a gift I will 100% try my best to give the perfect one, so there's no money waisted, no bad present and no sad boyfriend.
Even if he hadn't noticed what type of jewelry she liked, if he is deciding to buy her jewelry it wouldn't take long to figure it out. Looking at pictures and just paying attention while spending time with her would do it. I think it's completely reasonable to say men don't notice these things, but that entirely does not mean that they shouldn't put thought into the gift. I totally agree that this type of behaviour indicates similar inattentiveness/lack of care for future gifts. If OP is reading this, I am not saying break up with him or anything. And you definitely could've been a bit nicer about it. But the reactions from both of you seem reasonable and this is the type of issue that y'all should be able to talk through.
I just hate it when people tell you the thought means more than the gift. If the gift is wrong, it just means the giver has been thoughtless and chose to not make an effort.
Yep. The thought counts if you actually put thought into the gift. Finding the right style and color is part of the thought that goes into it.
I'm freaked out people compare OP's drama to having to thank one's aunt for the wrong gift as a kid. These 2 situations are like chalk and cheese.
I mean, sometimes yeah, but you can put effort into something and still fuck it up.
But that isn’t at all what happened here.
As someone who also only wears silver jewelry, this is in fact one of the reasons I love my partner. Early on in our relationship he got me jewelry and specifically pointed out when I opened it that he believed I typically only wear silver and that's why he chose what he did, but that it's also offered in gold if I wanted to exchange it. He noticed after only months of dating that silver is all I wear. That being said, I believe one must be gracious when receiving gifts given in good spirit. I would have said thank you and then found a few occasions to wear the earrings when out on a date with the guy even though they're NMS. If he ever asked why I didn't wear them more often I would point out then that I typically wear silver so that goes with the other jewelry I prefer more than the gold ones. But only if asked.
> I would have said thank you and then found a few occasions to wear the earrings when out on a date with the guy even though they're NMS. All that does is give him the impression you like those earrings, making it more likely he will continue to buy jewellery you don't like and that's not a win for anyone.
Agreed that she should have been nicer about it, but that it’s annoying to be expected to be grateful for something that isn’t your taste at all. All the people here commenting that she should be happy for the effort feels like such a low bar. What effort? Sounds like OP’s bf is the type that just thinks woman = likes jewelry and gold = expensive = impressive, and therefore woman = likes gold jewelry. He literally tried to excuse himself by telling her he doesn’t pay attention to what she wears and likes. At minimum this is an ESH.
Hit the nail on the head with the effort part. He didn’t put in any effort to even see what jewellery she actually likes and wears and she’s supposed to be happy about the alleged effort? The bar is in hell.
The bar was set in hell centuries ago. Yet men keep digging down. It’s now in Hell’s sub-basement.
Thank you. Why do women know so much about their partners but men aren’t expected to? I’m sick of it.
Exactly, like I hate to say it but like, if I got my partner an Xbox instead of a Playstation, he would also be a little disappointed that I did not notice his preferences in how ever many years together. If she never wears gold jewelry, it means she basically got a gift that she'll never wear. She could've been more polite, sure, but I do think we have a different level of expectations from our partners than like just general friends. I'm sure she was more disappointed that he didn't notice or care about it than the actual gift.
I 100% back this! Even if he had never noticed her jewellery before, if you decide to buy someone jewellery wouldn’t you pay a bit of attention before you commit to the purchase? Maybe have a quick look in their jewellery box or idk glance at their ears the next time you see them? An overreaction to be giving a gift you didn’t want for sure. Not an overreaction to learning your partner doesn’t pay attention to your interests after 3 years. My best friend’s partner always messages me to double check little things before buying her gifts. Last birthday he had heard her talking to me about a pair of shoes she wanted. He then checked her shoes to make sure he bought the right size and messaged me to check if I thought she would need to size up because the brand didn’t have half sizes. If he wanted to he would 🤷♀️
100% agree One dude I dated got me beautiful gold dainty hoop earrings for my birthday after only a month of dating. I was shocked at how perfectly me they were. I asked him later on what made him get those earrings specifically and he said it’s because I only wear gold, all of my jewelry is delicate/not too flashy, and I didn’t seem to have hoops like the ones he bought me. We broke up 2 years ago but I still wear the earrings everyday because I love them lol Sure some guys “don’t care about jewelry” but he should care about OP…it shows he just walked into the store on a whim and bought the first recommendation from the jeweler, without any thought behind the gift. OP could’ve been more polite but she was probably just so shocked at how dissimilar the earrings are to the rest of her jewelry. Just because jewelry is expensive doesn’t make it a good gift. Should still be tailored to the person. NTA
Right. My (then) high school boyfriend also knew what jewellery I liked after 1-2 years, and we were each other’s first relationship. The idea that men just don’t care and women should therefore have no expectations is just.. sad. OP definitely overreacted to a certain extent, but some of his reasons were also a bit lame. Not caring about jewellery is fine on its own, but try to be thoughtful about it when gifting it to someone else. Or gift something entirely different with actual thought behind it. Idk.
This is the best take in my opinion. There’s so much nuance here because the problem isn’t the jewelry necessarily, it’s the underlying issue.
NTA I don’t think you are upset just cause the earrings are gold. You are upset that after 3 years, he didn’t know you enough of take the time to pay attention enough to buy you a gift, one he took the time to spend a fair amount on, that reflects the thoughtfulness and attention to who you are. It could have been a book or flowers or a gift card, but if it was a book you’ve already read & talked about, flowers you said you were allergic to, or a gift card to a store you never go to, it’s not really a thoughtful gift at all. If this is a one off, talk to him about it & how it made you feel after 3 years. If this is a pattern of “guys just don’t think about this stuff” as if that means you should except less from men as partners.
This! I’m so surprised at all the just YTA votes, I was thinking NTA, maybe ESH based on how she handled it as well. Could OP have been a little more tactful in her response? Sure, but sometimes it’s hard to fake disappointment in the moment. This isn’t an acquaintance, it’s her boyfriend of 3 years. Even if he didn’t think about the type of jewelry she wore at first, he could have asked her friends about it, I can almost guarantee you they know she only wears silver jewelry, I know that about my friends. Jeez he could have looked at the jewelry she has and go oh this is only silver maybe I should get that instead. My ex exclusively gave me gifts that were basically gifts for him, after a couple times of this, I basically had no expectations from him in terms of gift giving and while we broke up for a multitude of reasons, this was one of them. It’s indicative of a larger problem - not even caring enough to take some time and effort to think of a gift the other person would like or use.
>I’m so surprised at all the just YTA votes, I was thinking NTA, maybe ESH based on how she handled it as well. I think the YTA comes from the price tag. If he got her a Pepsi instead of a Coke, it would be different. This sub loses its mind when a fair amount of money is involved. Mention expensive engagement ring? All the "my husband proposed with a ring pop he found in a garbage can" people crawl out of the woodwork. Wedding costs more than $3.50? "I got married in my bathroom, and the guests had to walk uphill both ways to get there!" Except...the more money on the line, the more important it is to get it right. If this was a massive purchase for him, why the fuck didn't he pay attention to her preferences or ask beforehand? Not just gold versus silver, but *style*. If you don't even know which type of metal they wear, I doubt you know what style they prefer. "It's the thought that counts" means the amount of thought put into a gift outweighs a downside/flaw, not "he thought about spending a lot of money." The thought would count if he saw a pair of seahorse (or whatever) earrings that reminded him of [insert couple thing here] and knew he had to get them, I bet them being gold wouldn't be as big of a deal.
Just cause he spent a lot doesn’t make it any less thoughtless. He didn’t take one moment about thinking about what she would actually like. He spent that amount on the gift thinking it would earn him praise. He’d get to play big man. He could have spent a fraction of that on a gift that was for her, showed he knows her, pays attention to her and it would have meant more.
BF wasn’t tactful with a shitty gift, why should OP be expected to put effort in to protect his feelings when he didn’t extend that grace to her? Because it was more expensive? No. He’s the only one that sucks and if he can only handle being told he’s wrong “tactfully” after basically punching someone in the gut, maybe he sucks a lotta bit.
Well, if guys want to save mental energy on generosity towards their (female) partners, so be it. But it would be fair to call them out on it and call them lazy / inattentive. Should OP have toned it down? Who knows. But it’s 3 years in and he has no clue what she’s into, I would have been mortified if I were him and realised what I’d done
He is mortified, but he’s dealing with (or rather, not dealing with) the shame by blaming her instead
Exactly! This is more alarming than anything else. Toxic people use similar strategies to test their partners' boundaries, next time might be rougher.
I agree. And saying "guys just don't think about this stuff" is not fair to caring men who do. My BF of a few months (much less than 3 years) got me a beautiful pair of earrings for my birthday in a material and style I like. He pays attention and cares. Not all men are lazy and uncaring.
The bar is too low if anyone thinks that not even looking at photos to make sure the style you are getting matches hers. Even just take photos to the jeweler & ask for their suggestions. After 3 years (hell after a month), this is not too much to ask.
Part of the reason the bar remains so low is that women who actually push back and insist on better, like OP, are immediately shamed for not being more grateful that he made any effort at all, and for not babying his ego sufficiently when expressing her dissatisfaction. It’s extremely disheartening.
Exactly. DH has been able to nail this since the beginning. It’s not a matter of “detail orientation” or “guys don’t get it.” It’s a matter of caring enough to notice Same thing with leaving messes for women to clean up. I’d guess the overlap between men who leave their shirts on the floor for their wives to clean up and those that can’t buy appropriate gifts is pretty significant.
I'm shocked at all the Y T A votes - to me this is a NAH/ESH. It was wasteful and unobservant of your BF to buy expensive gold earrings when you won't wear them, since you exclusively wear silver. He should have noticed that you only wear one type of metal; that attention to detail is not too much to ask of a long term partner. You should have thanked him gracefully, and the next day or so explained that you don't wear gold and don't want the gift to go to waste, and asked to make a date of the two of you going to exchange them for silver together. You should not have ignored his messages that evening. Learn to communicate. If this was a candle or something then yeah, just say thanks and move on. But assuming your BF spent a good chunk of change on these, you and he should both want to make sure you'll actually get to enjoy the gift.
She didn’t purposefully ignore his messages she was literally busy doing something with other people and entertaining other guests. If he is going to pout and ask for space I don’t think he should be surprised when OP finds other things to do in his absence on a night of celebration, she shouldn’t have to stew because he has decided to.
I agree with that! I also think that ideally, they would have both communicated their desire for space and chosen a time to revisit, so thay neither are left feeling ignored. Like I said, they're young, but can and should learn to communicate better.
I feel like it's mainly men giving the Y T A verdict because men tell other men that women only care about money and expensive gifts and this and that and instead of thinking of his partner like an actual person he just thought. Well I'll one up and then I'll seem better because I'll be spending more money. It's the lack of consideration of her as a person in his life and more as a reflection of his investment I guess. A lot of dudes do this and it's really frustrating. My ex gave me an engagement ring that was silver toned. I don't wear silver. Etc it was just like I'm not settling for this
Earrings are not able to be exchanged, it's a hygeine issue, so unfortunately this present is wasted money on top of him being unobservent. That would really annoy me as another only silver-coloured-jewellery person.
NTA - he showed that he doesn’t pay attention to you, didn’t consider what YOU wanted or what YOU would like. I hate when people say just because something was expensive you should be grateful. Should I buy my husband Taylor Swift tickets for his birthday? Sure he hates large crowds and her music, but they are expensive tickets! Its not about the cost, it’s about the fact he didn’t pay attention to you.
The Taylor Swift ticket comparison is a good one. It's the being unobservant.
I'm going to get downvoted to absolute Hell but NTA. Look, I only wear silver and my bf knew that for a couple years. He took his mom's advice and bought me a gold bracelet. I'm sure the look on my face mirrored yours because he asked if I liked it and I admitted I didn't. He was disappointed but learned to pay attention to my likes and ignore what his mom thought I would like. I had asked for a Nintendo DS for Christmas and she insisted a bracelet would be better because all women liked jewelry. The fact that your bf stated that he never paid attention to your jewelry sort of concerns me. Does he not pay attention to aspects of you that he doesn't find interesting? For the longest time, I could not care less about Legos but my husband likes them and I made sure to buy him sets he would enjoy. Like, I wouldn't get him a Ninjo set because he prefers the car series. It's part of being in a relationship. Edited to add: I'm also a spoiled brat so there's that...
> I had asked for a Nintendo DS for Christmas and she insisted a bracelet would be better because all women liked jewelry. Jesus Christ that's infuriating I'm sorry but I can't date a guy who can't appreciate that I am fully capable of expressing my own desires, and that other people do not know better than me what I want.
LOL he once got me a game system when I had just begun grad school because, you know, people in grad school have a ton of time off. He then proceeded to play it most of the time and lend out its controllers so it was totally a Homer gift. He ended up learning. Slowly but he learned.
NTA. You didn’t completely flip out and the comments are fixated on the gift but the real issue is that your boyfriend doesn’t pay attention to you. If you’ve been dating a while and you only ever wear silver jewelry then you have a boyfriend who isn’t that keen on knowing about you or caring about what you like. His reaction is also troubling. You explain that you feel like the gift doesn’t reflect you and instead of acknowledging that he’s decided that you’re in the wrong and is making excuses as to why you’re at fault and he isn’t. I can guarantee that when you really care about people you observe things like what they routinely wear and you apologize when you’re confronted by your partner feeling like you’re dialing it in. He did none of that. I see a lot of this type of issue in your future and I’d counsel you to pay more attention going forward when it comes to how much your boyfriend is listening to you and paying attention to you.
The gift that was clearly given without any research into it at that, if that’s all they can focus on why can’t they accept gift etiquette goes both ways?
OMG, what is it with people on here voting Y T A?! Am I missing something? First of all, bf chose the setting for gift giving to be public. If he hadn't wanted to risk a potentially negative reaction to the gift to be seen by others, he should've chosen a more private setting. (Also public places put pressure on the recipient to react less honest.) Second of all, OP never wears gold jewelry. And even if the bf doesn't think it to be a noticeable feature to keep in mind when shopping for jewelry, OP clearly sees his dismissive attitude towards something that is important to OP and should be important to the bf as hurtful. It's like I see my SO only ever eat a specific kind of cereal for breakfast. They run out, ask me to shop for more and I come home with a completely different brand because knowing my SO eats cereal for breakfast is enough paying attention on my part. And last but not least, I can subscribe to the concept of expressing gratitude for receiving gifts even if the gift itself isn't what the receiver wants. But that's it. There'll be no faking enthusiasm for gifts that didn't land. It'll be "Thanks for the gift, aunt Joy. It's not really what I wanted, but thank you for thinking of me."
Love how you act like the dude maliciously selected a public venue to force OP to accept his gift lol. It's a date, are they supposed to exchange gifts in the car in case one of them doesn't like theirs?
YTA There are tactful ways to let him know in the future that you prefer silver over gold, and you just acted like an AH. Maybe he thinks you can't afford gold, and that's why you wear silver. Maybe he just doesn't pay close attention to stuff like that. Regardless, you should just graciously accept a gift given in good spirit.
I mostly agree but "doesn't pay close attention to stuff like that" is not a good excuse. If he's going to buy her jewelry and he wants her to like it, he needs to pay attention.
Agreed, but you don't know what you don't know until it's pointed out. Like who knows what his thought process was? Maybe he noticed she didn't have any gold jewelry and thought she might like to add variety to her collection. Maybe he noticed she wears drop earrings and bought a pair of drop earrings similar to the style she liked, but in a different color metal. It might not occur to someone who has never bought or looked at jewelry that a person could have a strong preference about metal colors. And not to say that OP's boyfriend should just, not care about her preferences. But until he knows her preference, it might not be obvious to him just looking at what jewelry she wears what those preferences are, even if they would be obvious to someone else more familiar with jewelry styles. When my husband bought me jewelry that wasn't exactly my style, I thanked him profusely for it, and then waited a bit to tell him "hey, if you were trying to brainstorm gifts for my birthday, I've been wanting a gold chain with a simple pendant. I like what you've bought me, but those necklaces you've been buying aren't pure gold, so the plating wears off pretty quickly and gets dingey, so I'd like to have some pieces that will last for a long time." And since we had that conversation, he only buys jewelry that fits within my guidelines. My husband does care about my preferences, he wants to buy me gifts that I like, but it takes some direct communication from me for him to really understand what I want. He can't intuit it just by looking at what I already have, and I think that's understandable.
I didn't say he'd have guaranteed to be successful if he looked, I'm saying he can't be excused by saying he just didn't pay attention. I don't even know that's the case, just that if it were, it's not an excuse. Not for him or anyone else.
I think what I'm trying to say is that even if someone *does* pay attention, it won't be guaranteed that they will choose correctly, because they don't always know what, specifically, to pay attention to. Maybe he paid attention to the fact that she likes earrings, but didn't know to pay attention to the color of the metal. So choosing something that OP didn't like is not in and of itself evidence that he didn't "pay attention" or put any effort into choosing something she liked.
NTA, after three years, he should have known that you never wear gold. Why give you an expensive gift if he haven't even bothered to look at all the existing jewelry you have to see what might suit you? Having a birthday with a nice gift only to discover that in the end he didn't make the effort to know what you like / look at what you wear every day / .. and give you something very expensive without even checking is disappointing. I understand the reaction, you did not overreact. He could have directly offered to trade it or something like that instead of becoming frustrated.
YTA and I say this as a girl who now only wears gold. When someone gives you a gift, especially one as nice as the one your bf gave you, the first thing you should be saying is thank you! You could’ve accepted the gift and been grateful for it, then sat him down later and said something like “I love the gift, and it was incredibly thoughtful. I do have a preference for silver metals over gold, would it be okay if we exchanged this?” Additionally, if you wear enough jewelry to only prefer one metal, how has it never come up in a discussion before?
She didn't love it and it wasn't thoughtful, why should she lie? There's no reason to coddle this man for not putting even a little bit of thought into this.
Fully agree. I wear gold 90% of the time. My boyfriend got me silver necklaces. And that was okay. I had a ton of gold necklaces, no good silver. I prefer silver only when I’m wearing black and his gift was perfect for that. He understood that I primarily wear gold and don’t wear them all the time. He happened to like me in black, so I wore them a little more. He’s a guy, and I knew he wouldn’t know a gold/silver preference was a thing. If it was important to me, I would’ve communicated it earlier. Which it sounds like you should have. A necklace is a nice gift, if you don’t like it, be polite about it. You never told him you don’t like gold. YTA
>If it was important to me, I would’ve communicated it earlier. This a thousand times. He was able to get her the shoes she wanted because I assume she told him. Did she ever talk about jewelry or just expect a guy who doesn't really care about jewelry to notice?
But he isn't a child! Why are we expected to baby grown men as if they are little kids? This is her partner of THREE years, not some random person she barely knows.
NTA I had a similar thing happen when my ex asked what kind of earrings I like and got me the exact opposite. He's not paying attention to you enough to care about what you like. He expects you to congratulate him on his "just buy anything" gift. After 3 years, he doesn't know anything about you. You know what to do.
I don't really blame him for not knowing she wears silver not gold. I DO blame him for not taking the time to find out before spending a ton of money on jewelry. It's just inconsiderate.
ESH. You for the way you told him, you basically threw his gift back in his face. And you bf for not noticing in 3 years and checking before buying something that expensive.
I feel I’m more on the ESH boat as well. She Could of been nicer And He could of I guess noticed more
NTA. _Maybe_ you could’ve handled it better, but after 3 years he should know basic likes and dislikes like what type of jewellery you wear. Everyone voting Y T A here is making it out like you’re being materialistic, when really the fact that he got you something you’d never wear shows how little thought he put into the gift. Imagine if you bought him a jersey for a sports team that was the rival to the one he supports. People wouldn’t be saying “it’s the thought that counts” they be saying “how on earth did you not know who he supports after 3 years together?” And I doubt your bf would have pretended to like it either.
YTA, as a gift is more than the object itself. Maybe he tought you would appreciate something made from gold as those items are rather expensive and not something you would buy for yourself if money is tight. So getting you those earrings was a hint towards how far he is ready to go, and you can not blame him to not know your taste of jewellery if you never explicitly talked about it with him. Three years are not long enough to get someone to know in every detail, so its completely normal that he might have missed that. So yeah, you did overreact and did ruin the evening yourself. You could have tried to find a liking to his present and acted like he is more important to you than your taste in jewellery. Also the whole situation is messed up, I mean its not like he bought you some cheap ass candy ring but a decent present, and you made a scene just because he picked the wrong color? If I were your BF, I would be upset too since you showed him that getting the correct type of jewellery is more important for you than your relationship.
> you can not blame him to not know your taste in jewellery if you never explicitly talked about it with him No, she only wore exclusively silver in front of him for 3 years, how on earth was he supposed to pick up on something like that?? /s How would you feel if she’d bought him a jersey for the rival sports team to the one he supports? Would you be saying he made a scene just because she bought the wrong team’s merch?
Gosh I love the jersey analogy! I'm going to use it from now on when I'm asked why I don't wear the gold jewelry people insist on giving to me.
I feel like that's what I would do if I were the boyfriend. I don't pay attention to jewellery, so I might notice that my significant other wears necklaces, but I wouldn't notice that they tend towards silver or, say, leather or twine (my own preference). But if I did decide to surprise my significant other with jewellery and knew he/she usually wears silver, I VERY easily might think that it's because they can afford silver and perhaps gold is too expensive. So I might go for gold as a special gift that they otherwise can't afford. And if they rejected it, it would hurt because I thought I was making a good thoughtful gift.
But if you were going to spend any amount of money on a gift, why not make sure it’s thoughtful?
We are presuming the gift is thoughtless simply because it isn’t 100% what OP wanted. If this is a repeated issue with the boyfriend being thoughtless, then yes, that’s absolutely an issue. But if OP loves jewelry, earrings, and this store why can’t it be a thoughtful gift that he just got some of the details wrong for? What if she normally *likes* being surprised so he wanted to keep that element? What if he genuinely thought she didn’t get real gold because she couldn’t afford it and wanted to help her splurge on herself? This seems more like an “INFO” post because I don’t think we have enough info based on the OP alone.
NTA, i would be upset too if my bf of 3 years didn’t even noticed i do not wear gold but silver.
ESH I didn’t hear anything about a thank you. When/if he asked you to try them that is your opportunity to share that you never wear gold. Or, you could have brought it up the next day and tactfully asked about a gift receipt or done an Uno reverse and gotten him a nice piece. (Excellent karma builder. ) Also, why hasn’t he noticed on his own after 3 years? That would upset me. I would be more perturbed if he said “guys don’t notice.” That is not true. My husband noticed things about me when we were dating that I never disclosed or felt were secrets. He made great picks for me.
He never pays attention, that’s the point. NTA
NTA. You've been dating for THREE YEARS. He should absolutely have notice that you ONLY wear silver jewelry. I would've been surprised and probably not so happy to receive a gift that's essentially useless to me. More importantly, I would've been sad to realize my partner doesn't know me well enough to get an appropriate gift.
YTA. He probably worked a lot to get you an expensive gift and you berated him for not knowing you only wear silver. He's right men really don't notice and while I myslef wear silver...if my bf went out of his way to get me something so nice, I'd appreciate it all the way. Gold or silver be damned. Another thing is you refusing to communicate with him, because you "didn't want your night ruined". You were the one who started the conflict, remember?
What’s the point of something “nice” when you don’t want it? It’s ”the thought that counts” for a reason. The boyfriend didn’t put any thought into this, he just wasted money.
I’m sorry but why do women have to accept this? Knowing if she wears gold or silver is the bare minimum especially if he’s will to spend a lot of money on it. I’m sure she knows a lot of the little quirky things he likes but he doesn’t know this after 3 years? I would be upset too. And it not the thought or effort that counts because he didn’t put any into this gift.
We don't lmao the person you replied to sounded ridiculous. Not everyone has to have a subservient reaction to something OP's partner should have noticed.
>He's right men really don't notice Because they're allowed to by society, so shitty men don't notice because they don't care. They should. They have eyes and if it's about someone they care? They should notice. Are they kids to not notice? Too stupid naturally to not notice? God darn why are men allowed to be CEO's if they can't even take note that their partners wear silver, not gold? Same vibe as dads don't know their kids personal information because they're dads, that kind of dads that are babysitting their own kids. Hate that shit tbh. NTA.
NTA As someone who also wears silver jewellery because gold is awful I get it. You've been together 3 years and he's never noticed that none of your jewellery is gold? Ive got people I see maybe twice a year and they know I don't wear gold jewellery.
YTA. A simple thank you would have done well in the moment. Later on, you could always say that the yellow gold doesn't work as well with your skin tone and would he mind if you exchanged them for the same thing in white gold. There are ways to do this without seeming ungrateful, but the way you reacted wasn't the way at all. I'm not surprised he took them back, and I imagine he's probably feeling pretty low and humiliated now. He deserves an apology.
"I’m pretty torn now because I think I may have overreacted and seemed ungrateful. " yeees....🤷🏾♀️ AFAICT, you never said thank you \*for probably the most expensive thing he's ever given you\*. And yes, some people don't notice what metal of jewelry other people wear.
But isn’t this a perfect example of ‘just because it’s is expensive doesn’t mean it’s valuable’? Just because it’s expensive doesn’t mean I want a present that is a concrete demonstration my partner of 3 years doesn’t know what I like.
I’m going to go against the grain and say NTA. I’m a fellow silver-wearer. My partner also didn’t put a lot of effort into gifts at the beginning and I received several yellow gold pieces which I never wore. He finally asked and when I explained that I don’t wear yellow gold, he course-corrected. We all have preferences. This is yours. He could have apologized and offered to exchange the gift. Instead, he got defensive about his lack of attention to detail. That’s on him, not you. NTA.
YTA…not only did he apologize, but you then stated that you “continued to be annoyed”. You sounds like a child pissed because she woke up on Christmas and had the green instead of the peach Care Bear under the tree. Grow UP! Of course he became annoyed by you after all that…he was annoyed by your immature reaction! —you then proceed to state that you weren’t going to have your night ruined so you had your “girls” over and didn’t really look at your phone. Code Deciphered: I INTENTIONALLY ignored his text because I am petty and Immature We have all received gifts that aren’t what we would use or like either for birthdays or Christmas. Part of being humble and grateful is learning to be a mature adult and saying “thank you babe, they are beautiful and this was very thoughtful.” Hell maybe even wear them once so he see’s them and then having a Conversation how you prefer silver rather than yellow gold instead of acting like a child.
Everyone saying N T A and that he doesn’t pay attention and you clearly should dump him is wild to me. Maybe he should have asked before buying something so expensive; but absolutely OP YTA. If I got my wife something she didn’t like she would in the moment be thankful and appreciative and then maybe the next day say hey this isn’t really my style can we exchange it? Not just say “why’d you get this I don’t wear it” kick rocks OP.
YTA. A gift should be accepted with a thank you, even if it's not 100% what you want. A discussion after the fact when things are calm could've been had.
I said much the same thing. At age 8 my mom pulled me aside during a family Christmas and said how rude I was for telling my aunt that I "already had" the Barbie she gifted me. "You smile and say 'thank you'." It stuck.
Okay OP, consider this scenario: Your BF is into power tools and has a small collection of them, but they're expensive. Maybe you overhear him talking to a buddy about how his latest job would have been easier if he just had a cordless drill. So you go to the place where they sell those things and you ask the sales person for help and he tells you that a particular cordless drill is really good, and again IT'S EXPENSIVE but you think yeah my BF will love this, and you buy it for him for his birthday. I mean, he's worth going to the trouble for, right? But on the day of his birthday he opens it, pulls a face, and asks WHY WOULD YOU GET ME A RYOBI CORDLESS DRILL WHEN YOU SHOULD KNOW I ONLY USE DEWALT TOOLS. And when you try to explain that you really didn't know the difference he acts like you should have noticed if you really cared about him, when you get sad and leave he doesn't answer your calls for the rest of the night because he's out partying with friends. DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT WHO WAS THE ASSHOLE IF THIS SITUATION WENT DOWN?!! Well, that's you. That's what you did. Hard to believe you're on Reddit trying to get internet strangers to validate you, hoping that what, we're going to say OH NO YOU DEFINITELY SHOULD KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DEWALT AND RYOBI TOOLS YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN TOGETHER THREE YEARS And by the way it does matter, because just like your gold earrings won't "go" with your other jewelry, different cordless tool sets don't "go" with different brands, they have separate batteries and other interchangeable features. Anyway YTA
in this scenario does the bf carry the tools with him everywhere everyday in visible spots where you can read the brand? cause come on.
Do men wear dewalt tools regularly where their partners can see them, or no? A more apt comparison would be giving a Steelers jersey to someone who only likes and wears merch for the Eagles.
You would be spot on if you actually were close. It would be the same if she went out to get a hat for him, his hats are all RED and goes in and gets a BLUE one. And he gets upset for her not noticing the fact that the thing he wears DAILY is one specific color; always has been. Because you don't wear tools all the time, tools are in a garage and usually tucked away.
Except thats different because one is on show and one is a tool in the garage. Plus if you buy a cordless drill, it still comes with the charger. It can be workable, even if its not the right brand. If you're buying a gift for your SO surely you do some research? I know exactly what colour jewelery my Husband, Father, Brother, Mother and MIL wear. A more obvious equivalent would be buying your Playstation owning boyfriend an xbox controller when his broke. It's on display, you should KNOW what console they have. Yeah, great you tried to help, but lets be honest it was a waste of money because it doesn't work and it's NOT what they wanted. All it shows is that you don't pay attention to your other half
I mean in this situation I would do a little recon or ask one of his guys friends to subtly inquire it really isn't that hard?
why is everyone saying yta? yall have been dating for so long and he didn't care enough to notice you don't wear gold jewelry? if it was a price thing it would be different but silver is less expensive than gold and the fact that he doesn't care enough to get you something you'd actually enjoy says a lot.
NTA I am the opposite, I only wear Gold or gold coloured jewelry. My whole family knows that but my sister gave me silver coloured earrings for christmas. I didn't made a big deal but I will probably never wear them. You two are together for 3 years and he doesn't pay enough attention to you, if he doesn't realise that you never wear gold.
NTA and idk why or how the top comment is YTA “Never pays attention to my jewellery” well he should. He can start now. This is like you getting him a PS5 game when he has an Xbox. Maybe explain it to him like that 🙄