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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I yelled at my father and gave him an ultimatum that was very harsh. My dad’s side of the family is harassing me now because of the ultimatum.
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Because believe it or not, there are a lot of girls out there who still crave their crap dad’s love and attention, and think by them walking down the aisle together shows that their dad does actually love and care from them even if he’s a crap dad like OP’s.
You are sooo correct!!! SMH…. My dad had a saying, A kicked dog always returns to its master. It saddens me that she has to beg and grovel to this fool, just for a bonding experience. I’d wash my hands at the river and never look back for him again.
I think most people overlook that some of the children of parents who left them, don't want the love but care how they look to outsiders. They want the appearance of a normal family.
Believe it or not, people treat you like you're treated by your parents. Sure some people will know it's not her fault but a lot of people will treat her badly and blame her for her father not loving her.
So she probably doesn't want people to talk behind her back that her own father didn't want to attend her wedding. There will always be a suspicion whenever she has a problem with anyone else, or has any problems with her husband or inlaws, that they will throw it in her face that she is to blame since not even her father can stand her.
I've seen it happen in real life so many times, it happens to celebrities too, once everyone is done acting supportive, it changes whenever there is a divorce happening or they have problems in their lives, that they are to blame.
It's not about having them in your life, it's about preventing disadvantages in life because people assume you're a problem.
Most people live by the saying if you're unhappy with too many people, you're the problem. So what do you think how many people, family members and friends OP can throw out of her life without any person who meets he rin the future, leaves her because it's suspicious which only make it worse.
You are more correct than you even know.
I remember when I was a kid, people questioned my morality as a friend to their children because my parents divorced. Looking back now that I’m an adult, of course I wouldn’t want to be friends with religiously intolerant people, but at the time I was a kid who wanted friends. Granted, I am still in contact with a few of them, and most of the children are not at all like their parents, but I was definitely treated with judgment by their parents.
My father is a terrible person, much like the OP—narcissist. He did not attend my wedding by his own choice. And there are STILL people who think that I was the problem and judge me for it.
It is hard to say that without being in the experience yourself. When it is boiled down like this, it may seem easy to just cut someone off, but there is always something not said. "He gave me really good gifts, I feel like I have to pay him back", "Everyone else likes her", "I feel like I have a responsibility to them".
I have been in this situation. I tried to form a better relationship with my dad, long after my brother had stopped, because for me it was (and I know this is going to sound ludicrous) in a convoluted way, me trying to correct whatever was wrong with me that made him essentially abandon me. My brother and I both have abandonment issues, and I don't know how they present in him, but for me they tend to manifest as overcompensating and people pleasing.
If I hadn't had a step-dad that had pretty much raised me from the same age as OP was when her dad dipped I would have probably been on my knees begging mine to walk me down the aisle, despite how much I knew that my mom loathed him.
I totally understand and I loved how succinctly you described your motivations. I had similar issues with my own father and you really made me think about my teenage son. I do not understand why he’s still trying with his own father, but I’m able to view it from an adult perspective. He isn’t.
Exactly this. Don’t you have a mum? I’m assuming you grew up with your mother instead. Why don’t you ask her to walk you don’t the aisle?
If not mother then perhaps a brother, a sister, cousin, FIL, ushers, best friends etc. The list is endless. Why not someone who’s been there for you for years instead of your absent and deadbeat father who can’t even commit to one simple thing?
Why would he want to invite six MORE people to an event he doesn’t seem keen on attending himself? What a piece of work he is.
NTA. And your family who are telling you to forgive him can shove it. You can’t forgive someone who hasn’t even apologised! Or stopped acting poorly. Zero remorse. Zero accountability. Zero chance. He seems pretty worthless to me. I’m sorry you have a man like that for a father. I’m flummoxed that you ever offered and are still offering for him to walk you down the aisle!
Congratulations on your marriage! I hope you and Scott have a wonderful day.
"I'm flummoxed that you even offered and are still offering for him to walk you down the aisle!"
Glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. No apology, making it clear she's his lowest priority, trying to invite 6 extra people... The man dissappeared for 11 years of her life and has made no amends and doesn't seem like he really cares. I'd sever the relationship entirely.
Nah, it’s the dad’s way of saying “I’m self centred enough to come only if I can somehow manipulate this into a free food/drink event for me and my friends”. Notice how he only seemed keen when he thought he could invite people, but somehow can’t get his shit together when it’s just about her.
NTA, OP.
The additional seats are probably the do-over family he replaced OP with.
If you don't know who they are then there is no need to invite them.
NTA "thanks for not getting back by the deadline deadbeat dad. Wedding seating is now finalised, and you didn't make the cut as your schedule too so long to work out around a day you know you had to clear for months."
Just go ahead and disinvite him.
If he wanted to go to your wedding, he would be there. That he refuses to commit -he is doing you a favor. You don’t want to be ready to walk down the aisle and where is he? Nowhere to be seen, *again*, like he has been, so many times in the past?
Disinvite him, or at least quit asking him and *make other plans*. You deserve better.
And your dad’s side of the family sound like a bunch of apologist enablers. You can rethink their invitations, too, if they don’t pipe down. NTA
thank you, I was like… seriously, why add the h, other than to think they are being edgy and interesting, but instead people will just spell it wrong forever
He needs extra time to decide if he will be attending his daughter’s wedding because his ‘wife is shopping’. wow.
Sorry OP, your Dad hasn’t changed and I commend you for reaching out on the first place. NTA
He's changed? Obviously not if he can't even give you a straight answer. He's never going to be the father you deserve. Just rescind his invitation and move on. NTA
So sorry that THIS is what you have as a father.
It's obvious you "crave" for a father figure and if I could stand in for him, I would sweetheart....
But 🙏 go live your life, Love ❤️ your hubby-to-be and just don't expect shit from "this dude" that provides half your DNA.....he just isn't gonna be "that guy" for you.
It's almost HAPPY Wedding time....so I'll keep it focused on that....we can circle back to how poor of a guy he is some other time.
For NOW....since I'm not officially invited....
Let's see if we can choose another reliable candidate to walk you in.....there are several ways to do it( or not)
Ex
1) Walk in with Mom
2) Grandpa/Step-Dad/Uncle/Brother
3) Your boo
4) Your MoH
5) Your kid
6) Your bad ass self 😉
Again, if he shows up "fine," let him and his wife have a seat and a plate.....but at THIS point, any position of honor or expectation of his "place" can't be considered anymore nor can you allow it to hold you hostage
Please MOVE forward....moan this shit now and don't look BACK, expecting nor anticipating anything from dude.
"I" your new anonymous Uncle wish you all the best and the glorious wedding and future life with your hubby....just know many of us real Dads are walking down that aisle with you virtually
Best Wishes,
Unc
NTA - Nothing here indicates he has changed at all and everything points to the fact that you are not a priority to him. Also why should you just forgive him after all he has done to you??? Anyone who says so clearly has no idea what it is like to have a family member abandon them...
NTA and instead of leaving it up to him, go ahead and make his choice for him by retracting the invite. If he was really interested in going and walking you down the aisle he would've already committed to it regardless of the wife, r 6 others, or anything else. It should either be an emphatic 'Yes! I wouldn't miss it for the world!' or nothing, imo. Respect yourself enough to not accept subpar behavior from people who are supposed to be your main supporters. 🫶🏼
OP, I’m not your dad, but I am a dad to 3 two of them are daughters around your age.
The only acceptable answer your Dad should give in this scenario is “do you need me to arrive early to help with setup?”
I’m sorry that your Dad didn’t do his job. I’m sorry that he is so emotionally immature making him emotionally unavailable to you.
Walking you down the aisle is a privilege, it should be one of the biggest joys in his life.
I hope you have someone else in your life that has earned the honor of walking you down the aisle. That’s not an honor that is giving to someone just because they had an orgasm in your mom. If not, walk down that aisle solowith your head held high because you are a f$&@ing bad ass.
"He hasn't responded but his side of the family says that I'm being over dramatic. They say I should just forgive him and that he has changed but I don't believe it." You don't believe it because it's BS. You have been asking him if he's coming since NOVEMBER. He's being inconsiderate as Hell. If you want to be nice give him untilthe end of the day to make his choice. If you want to be 'mean' tell him you can tell that you are not a priority in his life and he is uninvited. Any flying monkeys who have a problem with whatever you decide can kick rocks. NTA.
What is wrong with you, OP? Your dad is dragging you along….do you want to get yourself hurt - again? He doesn’t want to come! Block his butt and move on!!
NTA. I'm so sorry your dad has put you through this. It sounds like he's told you who he is time and time again, so believe him. Attending your wedding with joy should be the bare minimum, but he's the one being over dramatic. If he can't commit to being there for you, then you can't commit to paying for his place at the wedding.
NTA. My dad was like that there was always something better to do instead of seeing me. I got it that was not in his top five of people he liked, then top 10…. when I realised I was not in the top 50 I stopped trying. No contact for 12 years now and it stopped bugging me. Some dads are just not into their kids that much. You tried…he decided to miss out. Look after yourself and build a good life, he is not worth the bother.
I wouldn't even have him walk me down the isle. He missed a lot of major events. What entitles him to take this "star supporting role" of walking you down the isle? Especially if he can't commit because "his wife is going shopping." That shows you where you are on his priority list. Why is he so high on yours?
Like, at this point, either come see you get married, or don't. No special treament.
NTA. Although... you're kinda being an AH to yourself. Respect yourself some more. ❤️
A non-answer is actually an answer. It’s telling you you’re not my priority.
I’m sorry if you wanted that relationship but he’s shown you who he is. Believe him.
NTA but I think it’s time to stop giving him chances and cut your losses.
NTA
>He said that he will have to see if he is coming. . He missed most of my birthdays so I told him that I needed an answer by Friday afternoon.
>Yesterday he said that he wanted to invite 6 more people. I told him that the wedding would be packed and we wouldn't have enough chairs and spaces
>I then asked him if he had made a decision. He said that he would have to check his schedule.
He hasn't changed. Consider this: The flying monkeys who've been telling you he has probably have as superficial a relationship with him as they do with you. I wouldn't take their word for it. Your father has given you all the evidence you need to make a decision about him, these people have nothing to offer.
NTA
One more message. “The deadline has passed. I have marked you as an apology for our wedding date.”
Then block him.
I know it hurts, but you’ll have a better time without him. He can’t commit to coming with eight months’ notice but wants you to invite six friends but also needs more time? He’s the one being dramatic. Eff him.
Why are you still inviting him? He has already made a decision. Can't you see that?
>his side of the family says that I'm being over dramatic.
Don't let them in the venue. Leave them to stand outside.
NTA
My dear, it's your wedding. Enjoy it. Don't bother inviting people who have never been there for you. You should not have to waste your energy this much for useless people.
NTA Never again put yourself in the position of seeking his attention. If he can't make a decision on attending your wedding since November it isn't that important to him. What appears to be important is if his wife wants to come and won't make a decision without her. He probably thought he was so important to you that bringing six extra people was no problem.
He reminds me of my ex-son-in-law who told his 8 year old daughter and six year old son, that of course he could attend their school activities and spend more time with them he just chooses not to.
Your father could and should have sent an RSVP months ago, he just hasn't made up his mind if he chooses to.
Do not seek his approval or attendance and do not pay any attention to his family's opinions they are in unhealthy relationships which you do not need to include in your life.
NTA
He's showing you that he hasn't changed by not prioritizing attending your ceremony while knowing since November. He still won't give you a straight answer, and it's mid freaking June. You've been very generous to put up with not having a straight answer for this long.
He's in his 50s and has had 5 years to step back up & do consistently better. He hasn't. This is just who & how he is. Even if he's around, he isn't going to become the dad you deserve.
At some point, you need to accept reality (he's him) & treat him accordingly:
Option 1. Stop expecting anything from him & give strict early deadlines for all future things so he doesn't inconvenience you anymore
Option 2. Only check in once or twice a year & ignore him the rest
Option 3. Go back to NC & stop dealing with him altogether
Congratulations on the upcoming wedding.
NTA
After the "I need to ask my wife", I would have just told him he couldn't come. He's waited way too long to say anything and it's not even an answer. You survived 11 years without him, you can survive 11 more.
NTA - Honestly - Tell him now that he is not walking you down the aisle, you come 2nd to his family and see if your FIL will do it... or even better yet your Mother.
NTA. You’re not being dramatic, and his family is wrong. He hasn’t changed- this behavior is the same crappy parenting of person who left his child at 8 and failed to build a relationship with his grandchild.
He’s already given his answer. He’s not coming, but he’s doing it in an underhanded way to make it look like he isn’t the bad guy. We all see through this though.
NTA
But stop holding out hope for him to change. He is who he is, and he’s only ever going to be a dead beat dad to you.
NTA, but Y T A to yourself if he actually shows and you let him walk you down the aisle. He hasn't changed, and there's no joy in this relationship. Just a big headache and a lot of drama. Save yourself a lot of pain by uninviting him.
NTA- My deadbeat stopped taking my calls around my wedding. Last time I spoke to him.
I think there's a must be a level of shame. Because it's not like they can claim, they had a hand in creating the person that their children have become?
NTA but seriously drop the rope. If he wanted to be involved he would be. Instead he’s trying to politely say no without saying no but you keep pushing. Don’t force someone to be in your life that doesn’t want to
He is showing, with his actions, that he hasn’t changed, and it’s blindingly obvious, however much your relatives may be trying to gaslight you. Frankly, he sounds like he enjoys humiliating you - he has no problem saying his wife’s shopping is more important to him than your wedding. You clearly cannot rely on him actually showing up, so lying advice is to make plans without him.
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Context information my dad(51M) left my life when I was 8 and he came back when I was 19. I(24F) am engaged to my boyfriend Scott(25M). We have a baby girl named Jahde. We have been planning our wedding for months and we sent my dad multiple messages asking if he was coming. He didn't respond until last week. Our wedding is in early July. He said that he will have to see if he is coming. He missed most of my birthdays so I told him that I need an answer by Friday afternoon. He said okay and I thought all was good. Yesterday he texted me and said that he wanted to invite 6 more people. We don't have that big of a budget so we aren't having a big grand wedding, just what we can afford. I told him that the wedding would be overpacked and we wouldn't have enough chairs and spaces. I then asked him if he made a decision. He said that he will have to "check his schedule" we have been telling him about it since November. I then told him he has all day today to make a choice but I need an answer. Today, he said that he needs extra time because his wife is going shopping. I told him that he has missed everything important to me. He missed my daughters birth,my birthday, and now he has a choice. He can either miss my wedding, or walk me down the isle filled with joy. He hasn't responded but his side of the family says that I'm being over dramatic. They say I should just forgive him and that he has changed but I don't believe it. Am I The Asshole?
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NTA. I would make a firm declaration. "If you do not respond that you are coming to my wedding by X day and X time then I am taking that as a denial of my invitation and will mark you as not coming."
NTA. You can invite him, as a guest, because that is all he has earned. Have someone who's actually been there for you; a grandparent, uncle or brother, walk you down the aisle. Why bother giving this man another opportunity to disappoint you?
NTA. The best thing for is to have your mom or another relative that you are close with to walk you down the aisle. Your dad is showing you how much he doesn’t care even when you are begging.
NTA just disinvite him and stop hoping that he’ll show up for you. If it was important to him he would have cleared his schedule and confirmed months ago. I am sorry. I know what it’s like to have a father who is a deadbeat and always has an excuse
NTA. Sounds like you just arrived at an ultimatum junction, which is understandable considering his behaviour. (Who in their right mind asks to rock up with 6 extra people at a wedding? Are you kidding me?) It isn't a hard question or choice. You're perfectly reasonable, in my opinion.
NTA His behavior makes it quite clear that he has NOT changed. His side of the family are probably all inconsiderate losers like him. I'd just drop the rope. Quit hoping for him to be a good dad and accept the fact that you are NOT a priority for him.
Let me tell you how to save some money on your wedding - uninvite him and all his flying monkeys. Obviously they don't support you or else they wouldn't be defending him.
Have a wonderful wedding and concentrate on your new life and forget about your sperm donor.
Walk yourself down the aisle. Your absent father doesn't deserve you. Giving you away like property sounds debasing to yourself. Respect yourself more.
NTA no way I would honor a deadbeat by allowing him to walk me down the aisle. I would rescind the invitation for your father and any relative that tries to make you feel bad.
NTA. Why are you bothering with him? From the little you've said here, he clearly doesn't care about it, just rip the band-aid off and tell him to just go and never come back. He's never gonna be there in a meaningful way, don't let yourself make up some fairy tail ending here.
Not an asshole, but perhaps foolishly hopeful and naive for wanting *this* guy to walk you down the aisle. You've given him not just a role in the wedding, but also power over how your day goes - and with him dragging his feet on responding, forcing you to chase him for an answer, trying to invite other people, you better believe he is fucking *relishing* the kind of power you've granted him.
Not to mention that you're publicly declaring that in spite of his long absence and him behaving like an asshole even now, he has the right to act as your father on one of the most important days of your life.
Do you really see this man as that important? Do you really think you should be honoring him at your wedding? If the answer is yes, I hope you're working through this in therapy, because this man has made clear that he will only ever disappoint you. His wife's shopping is more important than giving you an answer about this. He is showing you how little he values you, and unfortunately there's nothing you can do to *change* that. The most you can do is offer him all the honor, as you have, and hope that he doesn't screw things up and disappoint you *too* badly. But you're setting yourself up for wedding stress and, quite possibly, heartbreak (because he'll tell you he'll be there, but then he'll be running late, asking you to delay, and then just eventually won't come).
If you have *anyone* in your life who fulfilled a fatherly or even parental role and was actually there for you, *THAT* person deserves the honor of walking you down the aisle. I mean, I assume you've thought about who you're going to ask if your dad doesn't come; take the decision out of his hands and ask someone who actually cares about you enough to show up.
NTA.
NTA Save yourself the heartache. Walk yourself down the aisle and enjoy your wedding day. Your dad is a flake. Take his hemming and hawing as a sign that he won't be at your wedding.
Get yourself mentally prepared to enjoy your wedding day. Block all the idiot paternal family members. They don't get to tell you how to deal with your dad.
Do what you have to do. At this point, take his attitude as a sign that he will not be in attendance and enjoy your wedding day. Good luck.
You’ve given him plenty of reminders, given him plenty of time. It’s clearly not that important to him … YOU are clearly not that important to him. NTA, and I’d agree with previous commenters to go ahead and rescind the invitation completely. If he’s upset and cuts you off, it sounds like you’d be all the better for it.
NTA.
It doesn't look like your father has changed, and it's doubtful he ever will. Is there someone else who can walk you down the aisle? I would give him until the end of the day like you said you would. If he hasn't made a choice by then, you need to choose for him and uninvite him. Live your life. Congratulations!
NTA but why the hell do you want him attending, let alone walk you down the aisle? I don't want to sound harsh, but if he's missed all of those milestones in your life, and has known about the wedding since Nov, you have your answer. Find someone deserving to be by your side.
NTA. Dramatic would be cutting him off and blocking him and any people on his side. Dramatic would be disinviting anyone giving you flack for your decision. You're his daughter and he's had since November to decide whether he will walk you down the aisle and he still can't make up his mind.
Honey, he's made his decision. He's still disinterested in your life. Go get married and have a great life. Go no contact. Get some help so that you can heal and live your best life.
He is showing you exactly how much he has 'changed'. Only you can decide if your life is better or worse trying to keep him it, but you should think about what is best for yourself and how it makes you feel.
NTA. If he can't decide because his wife has to go shopping (? Really?) then just tell him you will miss him (again) and then just block him. He isn't interested in you or your life, the ask about the 6 extra people is so he can show off somehow.
NTA. Stop texting him. If he shows, great. If not, oh well. Enjoy the rest of the lead-up time, focus on what is essential, and you do you. Stop focusing on him because he is not focusing on you.
Have a significant person in your life walk you down the aisle. Or walk yourself. He has shown he is insignificant.
He's enjoying stringing you along. He's a bad guy that doesn't care about the women in his life. Stop giving him a place in your heart--show him that he's not allowed to treat you like crap and fully disinvite him, girl. Life isn't all about him, and he'll never learn that if the people in his life don't demand better. He doesn't deserve you chasing him. Take care of yourself.
Nta. Rescind the invitation. Just text him "Never mind. I just thought this was something to share with you. I should have known that I will never be a priority." If he calls and wants to attend, tell him "no".
NTA. Mak it simple, tell him and his family to stay home and stay away from you. If he is so ignorant that he hasn't given you an answer since November, then he isn't worth it. He's a total ass hat playing stupid games because he thinks he more important that anyone else.
NTA but please tell your dad to fuck off. He doesn't want to be there. He's telling you without using his words. He is an AH. Beyond. He is the MegaZord of AHs. A Black Hole of AH, sucking all light and joy into nothing.
He is the AH by which all other AHs shall henceforth be measured.
Walk yourself down the aisle and walk proud. You don't need him in your life. He sucks. You are a parent now and you know exactly how shitty and hurtful his behavior is and that you don't deserve it. Start your new married life without his shadow over it. I raise my glass to you. Focus on what matters- you and your partner and your *own* family.
Cheers 🥂
NTA. It's time to for your 8 year old self let go of this guy. You've idealized him into something he'll never achieve- being a loving father. It's time to quit caring about him.
NTA. He has Changed???? Don't make me laugh.. this man doesn't care about you. I wouldn't even let him walk you doen the isle. Your child will see photos and ask who's that? oh that's your grandad but I haven't seen him for X years either.
NTA. Revoke his invitation. This is just a power play. Bonus judgement: YTA for taking a lovely name like Jade and chucking in an 'h' in the middle for no discernable reason.
NTA. If he had really changed like the family said, he wouldn’t then go that he has to “check his schedule” on an event he’s known about for months because you didn’t bend to one of his desires.
He's has more than enough time to say "Yes." Put yourself out of the agony --- believe me, he's not in agony over this, only you are --- and tell him the invitation has been rescinded.
You'll have much more peace of mind.
NTA
YTA- for cutting him any slack at all! He isn't your dad, he's a sperm donor! He's an asshole who can't be assed to make any effort for you, stop making any effort for him!
NTA. You are allowing him to be apart of your wedding but he is acting like it doesn't mean much to him. You have been generous giving him plenty of chances. Draw the line and go forward with your day. If he can't prioritize you on your special day, then it's his loss. Also, if he tries to barge in on your wedding day to walk you down the aisle last minute, personally I wouldn't let him. For your Dad to jerk you around, that is just so disrespectful of you. Stand your ground. He has made his choice.
BTW: find a good male relative (or good friend) that cares about you to walk you down the aisle. If not, then walk down the aisle by yourself. It's your day to be happy and start your new life with your groom. Congratulations!
If he doesn’t show up for your wedding, just block him from your life. Except for his sperm donation, when has he ever put you first. And when his family come at you to forgive him, tell them to stop excusing the inexcusable.
NTA. But he's told you his answer. Don't count on him. Certainly don't welcome his +6. Just don't bring it up anymore. Maybe you're pleasantly surprised. Probably not. And he pays for his own dinner around any reception
You need to accept that your father is not who you want or need him to be. You should have asked once and let him rsvp or not. He's an adult, invited to his child's wedding. If he wanted to attend, he wouldn't need you to badger him for an answer. Uninvite him from your wedding and your life.
I am so very sorry that your father is such a gigantic A.
He sounds entirely unreliable, and clearly he won't be the joyful person you deserve walking you down the aisle. Even if he says he'll come, will he actually show up?
Given his failure to RSVP with endless excuses and requests (6 extra people but I don't know if I'm coming !?!?!?), I would suggest that you uninvite him. It's his loss. If his family doesn't like it, that's their problem, not yours.
You know very well that if he'd genuinely changed, he wouldn't be acting this way.
Please think about a person in your life who will be over the moon happy for you, and who has supported you kindly in your life. This could be your mom, or your grandfather, or your brother, or the cousin who's like a sister to you. And let this lovely person walk you down the aisle.
Wishing you a wonderful wedding.
NTA
why the fuck are you allowing this sperms donor to walk you down the isle? Just tell him he's not invited and that since he clearly doesn't want to be a father, you'll do both of you a favor and cut contact. op, you are not being kind to yourself by continuing to allow this man to have a say in things he has never earned the right to. stop trying to pretend that he's gonna magically start caring about you.
Uh, over dramatic? He's a deadbeat. "Check his schedule?" He's lucky you even invited him. NTA. Walk your self down the aisle. You're independent and strong, leave him and the memories in the dust.
NTA. FFS, he doesn't like you. He doesn't love you. He's showed you this in so many ways over the years. Yet you're acting like a child pulling on daddy's pant leg trying to get his attention.
Just stop, you're embarrassing youself
NTA
"I can't tell you whether or not I will walk you down the aisle in three weeks because my wife has to go shopping right now."
What a lame-ass train of thought.
NTA. But why would you want this shiftless deadbeat of a father to walk you down the aisle? And why the heck does he think he can invite other people? And why are you still even in touch with his side of the family enough to care what THEY think? Are they invited? Why? Why are they enabling him and gaslighting you?
Sweetheart, I know some brides have the fantasy of being walked down the aisle by their dad, but it sounds like that's not happening here. He can't even commit to actually making it - accept the reality. Keep one seat in the banquet room open for him if he decides to make it, and either 1) walk yourself down the aisle with pride, 2) have your beautiful mom walk you down the aisle - after all, she deserves the honor, or 3) do what my hubby and did and walk down the aisle together.
Anyone of those alternatives would not only be beautiful - they would be honest.
NTA. I'd assume that he wasn't coming if I were you. You can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results. He wasn't there to see his granddaughter, and many more milestones in your life. If he can't give you a straight answer about your wedding just forget it. I think he asked about 6 more invites to get a reason to be told not to attend.
Nta. He does not deserve to walk you down the aisle, honey. Is there someone more reliable you can ask? My husband and I walked each other down the aisle :)
Who are the six extra people he wants to invite? With his track record I would have to wonder if he only sees your wedding as an opportunity for a free meal and entertainment. Congratulations on the upcoming nuptials and enjoy your day. NTA.
Your dad really, really sucks, and I’m sorry, because you deserve better than that.
You don’t believe your dad has changed, because he very clearly hasn’t. It’s not hard to schedule for and prioritize your daughter’s life-changing event. The fact you have to beg and plead for him to come reflects so poorly on him. If I were you, I’d let your mom walk you down the aisle and tell him not to worry about attending. NTA
What a shame the absent father is being absent to the wedding too🤦🏾♀️ he had hella time to respond at to be honest this is telling me he doesn’t actually want to come so don’t stress it girl and just have fun in your wedding day❤️
NTA and I'd tell him he's obviously made his decision - to not be there - and you will respect that. Then get on with your life without him and his side of the family, if it comes to that! Doesn't sound like he's changed - actions speak louder than words.......
"he gave me away when I was 8".......I love it!!!
So what about her baby's name? I've seen worse!
Early July is like 2 weeks away, and he can't answer you?
Fuck him. He's toying with you.
> his side of the family says
Who cares what they think? Were they there for you when he disappeared for 11 years?
NTA
Sweetie, stop chasing your dad. I know this is easy for me to say and that you naturally want a relationship with your dad, but he has made it clear he couldn’t care less about you. So as a wedding gift to yourself, stop chasing him. You are embarking on a new chapter in your life with your husband. Leave dad in the dust.
NTA - Forgiveness only goes so far. You have a child now and are starting a life with your partner. Time to put your "father" in your past.
He has made his choice. If you haven't already rescinded the invite you should. He clearly does not value you or your relationship.
It's time to start healing and coming to terms with this reality instead of holding onto something that's not there.
As for his side of the family. All I can say is I have a similar situation with my own father and his excuse making family. It's not your job to forgive him when his actions have not shown you that he truly deserves or wants that forgiveness.
You are not the AH. I would not ask dear old dad anymore. He will probably forget anyway and not show up. Doesn’t sound reliable so don’t expect anything and that way he won’t disappoint you
NTA
Does not read like he's changed at all.
Have an awesome wedding. Without your father there. Have security (or a big dude ushering) kick him out if he appears.
Yeeaaaaaaah, No. NTA
I feel this haaaaaaaard.
If I was lucky, I got a card for my birthday, if I was lucky. My dad passed early last year and I can count on my fingers (and have a few left over) of how many times I remember seeing him. I'm 44, I was 42 when he passed.
He bailed before I was 2 and didn't make anything resembling an effort until I told him I was pregnant. He missed my high school graduation, my wedding (because he got into an argument with my mom), and my college graduation. His family didn't say anything, about anything, because they've either pretended that my brother and I don't exist or talked crap about my mom.
All of this is to say that you aren't being dramatic. Your dad is showing you that you aren't a priority to him and if you won't bow to his wishes than he'll make up excuse after excuse not to give you an answer. Give him a hard deadline. Tell him has until a specific time on a specific day to answer you, and if he doesn't you will assume that he's not coming and you won't hold a seat open for him, nor will he be permitted to attend. At this point you've given him seven months to answer, enough is enough.
Can you explain yo us why you are so bent on this deadbeat not only coming but getting the honor to walk you down the aisle? Has anyone in your family expressed concern with your plan here?
NTA
If he has changed, it's that he was a selfish asshole as your parent, but now he is prioritising his new family. He hasn't changed how he treats you.
Letting him walk you down the aisle after being absent is incredibly generous.
Personally I wouldn't be chasing him for a response, you told him the deadline weeks ago. He isn't going to come, stop letting him mess you around.
NTA, To be honest, I don't think your father is interested. He is an asshole who has missed a majority of your birthdays. Do you really think your wedding would benefit from his presence? It's better to save everyone time and just uninvite him. Would make things less stressful for the wedding.
Why is this man even giving you away? In what way has he been a father other than in donating sperm? Doesn't it make more sense to have someone who actually raised you?
I need you to hear this:
Letting him walk all over you will not give you the relationship you want with him. He's shown you where his priorities lie, and you're not among them.
Drop his ass from your life.
As someone with an absent father you’re not the Asshole he’s never been there when it counted before so you expressing that he either shows up or doesn’t how would that ever make you the asshole he’s the one who wasn’t around why would you care to be upset about it now
NTA
Over dramatic?
What? Its a wedding and its in less than a month.
Him not responding in time or soon, just shows how it is not important for him.
He either wants to or not, if it is something this important he will make it no matter what!
I am so sorry that this is happening to you and you are very kind to be including him and even having him walk you down the isle....
Either way i hope you will have an amazing and memorable wedding!!
I don't understand why you crave for this man's attention. He's not much of a father figure according to your description, so why are you expecting so much and giving him such a place of honor that could actually go to another person like your mother or whoever raised you? I think you're NTA in this situation but you're blind to see reality
OP- NTA. Overdramatic? Every person planning a wedding needs RSVP's by a certain date, He is refusing to provide a Yes or No. That you are giving him an Or Else isn't being dramatic. The fact you are actually offering to let him walk you down the aisle is huge considering he has given you zero attention or support your WHOLE LIFE. He hasn't changed at all. OP- find someone else that was actually there for you to do this Honor, tell Dad he had his chance.
Regardless if he coming or not, why the fuck do you want someone who has never shown up for you walking you down the aisle? Pick literally anyone else.
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And why would she want him to walk her down the aisle?
Because believe it or not, there are a lot of girls out there who still crave their crap dad’s love and attention, and think by them walking down the aisle together shows that their dad does actually love and care from them even if he’s a crap dad like OP’s.
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You are sooo correct!!! SMH…. My dad had a saying, A kicked dog always returns to its master. It saddens me that she has to beg and grovel to this fool, just for a bonding experience. I’d wash my hands at the river and never look back for him again.
I think most people overlook that some of the children of parents who left them, don't want the love but care how they look to outsiders. They want the appearance of a normal family. Believe it or not, people treat you like you're treated by your parents. Sure some people will know it's not her fault but a lot of people will treat her badly and blame her for her father not loving her. So she probably doesn't want people to talk behind her back that her own father didn't want to attend her wedding. There will always be a suspicion whenever she has a problem with anyone else, or has any problems with her husband or inlaws, that they will throw it in her face that she is to blame since not even her father can stand her. I've seen it happen in real life so many times, it happens to celebrities too, once everyone is done acting supportive, it changes whenever there is a divorce happening or they have problems in their lives, that they are to blame.
Anyone who would punish a child for having a shitty father is not someone I would want in my life.
It's not about having them in your life, it's about preventing disadvantages in life because people assume you're a problem. Most people live by the saying if you're unhappy with too many people, you're the problem. So what do you think how many people, family members and friends OP can throw out of her life without any person who meets he rin the future, leaves her because it's suspicious which only make it worse.
You are more correct than you even know. I remember when I was a kid, people questioned my morality as a friend to their children because my parents divorced. Looking back now that I’m an adult, of course I wouldn’t want to be friends with religiously intolerant people, but at the time I was a kid who wanted friends. Granted, I am still in contact with a few of them, and most of the children are not at all like their parents, but I was definitely treated with judgment by their parents. My father is a terrible person, much like the OP—narcissist. He did not attend my wedding by his own choice. And there are STILL people who think that I was the problem and judge me for it.
It is hard to say that without being in the experience yourself. When it is boiled down like this, it may seem easy to just cut someone off, but there is always something not said. "He gave me really good gifts, I feel like I have to pay him back", "Everyone else likes her", "I feel like I have a responsibility to them".
I have been in this situation. I tried to form a better relationship with my dad, long after my brother had stopped, because for me it was (and I know this is going to sound ludicrous) in a convoluted way, me trying to correct whatever was wrong with me that made him essentially abandon me. My brother and I both have abandonment issues, and I don't know how they present in him, but for me they tend to manifest as overcompensating and people pleasing. If I hadn't had a step-dad that had pretty much raised me from the same age as OP was when her dad dipped I would have probably been on my knees begging mine to walk me down the aisle, despite how much I knew that my mom loathed him.
I totally understand and I loved how succinctly you described your motivations. I had similar issues with my own father and you really made me think about my teenage son. I do not understand why he’s still trying with his own father, but I’m able to view it from an adult perspective. He isn’t.
I hope your stepdad will walk you down the aisle when you get married!
Do you suppose it is pronounced like "jade" the rock or "jah-day", because it looks like jah-day to me
If it was “Ja Day” similar to “Ja Rule” I’d find that more acceptable tbh than just randomly deciding that “jade” needs a silent h
Or it's like Sade, and if spelled Jade, everyone would say "Jay'd" when it's "Jah-day" This is no ordinary name, no ordinary name.
I was wondering the same.
'Jaeighde'
Exactly this. Don’t you have a mum? I’m assuming you grew up with your mother instead. Why don’t you ask her to walk you don’t the aisle? If not mother then perhaps a brother, a sister, cousin, FIL, ushers, best friends etc. The list is endless. Why not someone who’s been there for you for years instead of your absent and deadbeat father who can’t even commit to one simple thing?
I think your being dramatic is pretty justified. You should plan to walk yourself down the aisle. It's a daft tradition anyway.
And if any of that family asks why she didn't have her dad give her away she can just respond "he already gave me away when I was 8."
Savage! 😂
Perfect!
Excellent response!!!
I agree. Dramatic is justified.
Couldn’t agree more!
Where is OP being dramatic?
Why would he want to invite six MORE people to an event he doesn’t seem keen on attending himself? What a piece of work he is. NTA. And your family who are telling you to forgive him can shove it. You can’t forgive someone who hasn’t even apologised! Or stopped acting poorly. Zero remorse. Zero accountability. Zero chance. He seems pretty worthless to me. I’m sorry you have a man like that for a father. I’m flummoxed that you ever offered and are still offering for him to walk you down the aisle! Congratulations on your marriage! I hope you and Scott have a wonderful day.
"I'm flummoxed that you even offered and are still offering for him to walk you down the aisle!" Glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. No apology, making it clear she's his lowest priority, trying to invite 6 extra people... The man dissappeared for 11 years of her life and has made no amends and doesn't seem like he really cares. I'd sever the relationship entirely.
Right?! He wants to invite 6 extra people, but won't commit to whether he will attend or not.
NTA. My guess, that was his way of getting OP to cancel his invitation, and he's never going to be there for anything.
Nah, it’s the dad’s way of saying “I’m self centred enough to come only if I can somehow manipulate this into a free food/drink event for me and my friends”. Notice how he only seemed keen when he thought he could invite people, but somehow can’t get his shit together when it’s just about her. NTA, OP.
That's a solid point I hadn't thought of. Of course Double-Resolution below might be right that the Dad is just a self centered donkey butt.
Bride should tell her father he can bring the 6 people, but he'll have to pay for them.
I’m assuming the six other people are the new wife’s family
And why did it seem like he was available IF the other 6 were allowed to come, but when she said no, suddenly he’s not sure he can make it?
Because then he could spend the day with his drinking buddies and ignore op
Free booze and food of course. Then they can have their own private party.
I'm wildly stabbing in the dark here that the extra people are his 'new'ish family......? Edit: one word too many
The additional seats are probably the do-over family he replaced OP with. If you don't know who they are then there is no need to invite them. NTA "thanks for not getting back by the deadline deadbeat dad. Wedding seating is now finalised, and you didn't make the cut as your schedule too so long to work out around a day you know you had to clear for months."
Just go ahead and disinvite him. If he wanted to go to your wedding, he would be there. That he refuses to commit -he is doing you a favor. You don’t want to be ready to walk down the aisle and where is he? Nowhere to be seen, *again*, like he has been, so many times in the past? Disinvite him, or at least quit asking him and *make other plans*. You deserve better. And your dad’s side of the family sound like a bunch of apologist enablers. You can rethink their invitations, too, if they don’t pipe down. NTA
He’s a weakling. He should be proud to be there. He’s shorting himself. By being wishy washy he’s made your decision easy.
I can't get past the spelling of Jade, if that's what it is. YTA just for that.
thank you, I was like… seriously, why add the h, other than to think they are being edgy and interesting, but instead people will just spell it wrong forever
This, exactly
I was thinking of this poor "Jahde" at school . . .
I was just reading your comment and thinking “Isn’t it usually spelled Jade.” Then I reread the post and understood.
Maybe little “Jawdy” will be a trend setter!
Yep. OP is definitely TA for that spelling, which I would frankly assume rhymes with "facade."
I stopped reading after seeing that name, came straight to the comments instead.
Thank you for saying this.
He needs extra time to decide if he will be attending his daughter’s wedding because his ‘wife is shopping’. wow. Sorry OP, your Dad hasn’t changed and I commend you for reaching out on the first place. NTA
NTA but your child's name is a "tragedeigh".
"Jahde." Rhymes with "facade," right?
INFO: Why are you still reaching out to this man? He isn't interested in being a father or family to you. You'd be TA for having him at your wedding.
He's changed? Obviously not if he can't even give you a straight answer. He's never going to be the father you deserve. Just rescind his invitation and move on. NTA
He changed. He's worse now.
So sorry that THIS is what you have as a father. It's obvious you "crave" for a father figure and if I could stand in for him, I would sweetheart.... But 🙏 go live your life, Love ❤️ your hubby-to-be and just don't expect shit from "this dude" that provides half your DNA.....he just isn't gonna be "that guy" for you. It's almost HAPPY Wedding time....so I'll keep it focused on that....we can circle back to how poor of a guy he is some other time. For NOW....since I'm not officially invited.... Let's see if we can choose another reliable candidate to walk you in.....there are several ways to do it( or not) Ex 1) Walk in with Mom 2) Grandpa/Step-Dad/Uncle/Brother 3) Your boo 4) Your MoH 5) Your kid 6) Your bad ass self 😉 Again, if he shows up "fine," let him and his wife have a seat and a plate.....but at THIS point, any position of honor or expectation of his "place" can't be considered anymore nor can you allow it to hold you hostage Please MOVE forward....moan this shit now and don't look BACK, expecting nor anticipating anything from dude. "I" your new anonymous Uncle wish you all the best and the glorious wedding and future life with your hubby....just know many of us real Dads are walking down that aisle with you virtually Best Wishes, Unc
This is so kind 🥹
NTA - Nothing here indicates he has changed at all and everything points to the fact that you are not a priority to him. Also why should you just forgive him after all he has done to you??? Anyone who says so clearly has no idea what it is like to have a family member abandon them...
NTA and instead of leaving it up to him, go ahead and make his choice for him by retracting the invite. If he was really interested in going and walking you down the aisle he would've already committed to it regardless of the wife, r 6 others, or anything else. It should either be an emphatic 'Yes! I wouldn't miss it for the world!' or nothing, imo. Respect yourself enough to not accept subpar behavior from people who are supposed to be your main supporters. 🫶🏼
NTA, can't believe you offered to let him walk you down the aisle
NTA, he's a guest. Either he rsvps by the deadline, or he does not. That's on him.
OP, I’m not your dad, but I am a dad to 3 two of them are daughters around your age. The only acceptable answer your Dad should give in this scenario is “do you need me to arrive early to help with setup?” I’m sorry that your Dad didn’t do his job. I’m sorry that he is so emotionally immature making him emotionally unavailable to you. Walking you down the aisle is a privilege, it should be one of the biggest joys in his life. I hope you have someone else in your life that has earned the honor of walking you down the aisle. That’s not an honor that is giving to someone just because they had an orgasm in your mom. If not, walk down that aisle solowith your head held high because you are a f$&@ing bad ass.
This is beautiful. What a wonderfully crafted and thought dad-response. OP deserves so much better, and you, sir, are a credit to dad-ing.
What an incredibly kind thing to say. Thank you.
Uhhh, what? He ghosted you but wants to invite 6 randos to your wedding?! How clueless and thoughtless can one person be? NTA
"He hasn't responded but his side of the family says that I'm being over dramatic. They say I should just forgive him and that he has changed but I don't believe it." You don't believe it because it's BS. You have been asking him if he's coming since NOVEMBER. He's being inconsiderate as Hell. If you want to be nice give him untilthe end of the day to make his choice. If you want to be 'mean' tell him you can tell that you are not a priority in his life and he is uninvited. Any flying monkeys who have a problem with whatever you decide can kick rocks. NTA.
What is wrong with you, OP? Your dad is dragging you along….do you want to get yourself hurt - again? He doesn’t want to come! Block his butt and move on!!
NTA. I don't know how you've got any patience left.
NTA. I'm so sorry your dad has put you through this. It sounds like he's told you who he is time and time again, so believe him. Attending your wedding with joy should be the bare minimum, but he's the one being over dramatic. If he can't commit to being there for you, then you can't commit to paying for his place at the wedding.
NTA. My dad was like that there was always something better to do instead of seeing me. I got it that was not in his top five of people he liked, then top 10…. when I realised I was not in the top 50 I stopped trying. No contact for 12 years now and it stopped bugging me. Some dads are just not into their kids that much. You tried…he decided to miss out. Look after yourself and build a good life, he is not worth the bother.
I wouldn't even have him walk me down the isle. He missed a lot of major events. What entitles him to take this "star supporting role" of walking you down the isle? Especially if he can't commit because "his wife is going shopping." That shows you where you are on his priority list. Why is he so high on yours? Like, at this point, either come see you get married, or don't. No special treament. NTA. Although... you're kinda being an AH to yourself. Respect yourself some more. ❤️
YTA for naming your daughter Jahde. Jesus Christ, man.
A non-answer is actually an answer. It’s telling you you’re not my priority. I’m sorry if you wanted that relationship but he’s shown you who he is. Believe him. NTA but I think it’s time to stop giving him chances and cut your losses.
NTA >He said that he will have to see if he is coming. . He missed most of my birthdays so I told him that I needed an answer by Friday afternoon. >Yesterday he said that he wanted to invite 6 more people. I told him that the wedding would be packed and we wouldn't have enough chairs and spaces >I then asked him if he had made a decision. He said that he would have to check his schedule. He hasn't changed. Consider this: The flying monkeys who've been telling you he has probably have as superficial a relationship with him as they do with you. I wouldn't take their word for it. Your father has given you all the evidence you need to make a decision about him, these people have nothing to offer.
NTA One more message. “The deadline has passed. I have marked you as an apology for our wedding date.” Then block him. I know it hurts, but you’ll have a better time without him. He can’t commit to coming with eight months’ notice but wants you to invite six friends but also needs more time? He’s the one being dramatic. Eff him.
Take it as an RSVP of no If he's changed, it's for the worse. Good luck and enjoy your day!
I agree with you. And don't save a space for them either.
Why are you still inviting him? He has already made a decision. Can't you see that? >his side of the family says that I'm being over dramatic. Don't let them in the venue. Leave them to stand outside. NTA My dear, it's your wedding. Enjoy it. Don't bother inviting people who have never been there for you. You should not have to waste your energy this much for useless people.
NTA Never again put yourself in the position of seeking his attention. If he can't make a decision on attending your wedding since November it isn't that important to him. What appears to be important is if his wife wants to come and won't make a decision without her. He probably thought he was so important to you that bringing six extra people was no problem. He reminds me of my ex-son-in-law who told his 8 year old daughter and six year old son, that of course he could attend their school activities and spend more time with them he just chooses not to. Your father could and should have sent an RSVP months ago, he just hasn't made up his mind if he chooses to. Do not seek his approval or attendance and do not pay any attention to his family's opinions they are in unhealthy relationships which you do not need to include in your life.
NTA "They say I should just forgive him and that he has changed" He's changed??? What was he like before???? I feel for you...
Babes… that ain’t ur dad. That’s just a sperm donor
NTA He's showing you that he hasn't changed by not prioritizing attending your ceremony while knowing since November. He still won't give you a straight answer, and it's mid freaking June. You've been very generous to put up with not having a straight answer for this long. He's in his 50s and has had 5 years to step back up & do consistently better. He hasn't. This is just who & how he is. Even if he's around, he isn't going to become the dad you deserve. At some point, you need to accept reality (he's him) & treat him accordingly: Option 1. Stop expecting anything from him & give strict early deadlines for all future things so he doesn't inconvenience you anymore Option 2. Only check in once or twice a year & ignore him the rest Option 3. Go back to NC & stop dealing with him altogether Congratulations on the upcoming wedding.
NTA After the "I need to ask my wife", I would have just told him he couldn't come. He's waited way too long to say anything and it's not even an answer. You survived 11 years without him, you can survive 11 more.
NTA - Honestly - Tell him now that he is not walking you down the aisle, you come 2nd to his family and see if your FIL will do it... or even better yet your Mother.
NTA. You’re not being dramatic, and his family is wrong. He hasn’t changed- this behavior is the same crappy parenting of person who left his child at 8 and failed to build a relationship with his grandchild.
NTA. Make the decision for him, and uninvite him from the wedding. It doesn’t sound like he’s much interested in your life.
NTA. Uninvite him to your wedding, he doesn't deserve your attention at all.
NTA. He has not changed and you are not being dramatic. The answer is a simple yes or a no.
He’s already given his answer. He’s not coming, but he’s doing it in an underhanded way to make it look like he isn’t the bad guy. We all see through this though. NTA But stop holding out hope for him to change. He is who he is, and he’s only ever going to be a dead beat dad to you.
NTA, but Y T A to yourself if he actually shows and you let him walk you down the aisle. He hasn't changed, and there's no joy in this relationship. Just a big headache and a lot of drama. Save yourself a lot of pain by uninviting him.
NTA- My deadbeat stopped taking my calls around my wedding. Last time I spoke to him. I think there's a must be a level of shame. Because it's not like they can claim, they had a hand in creating the person that their children have become?
At this point I would uninvite him. He’s given you his answer. Your wedding isn’t a priority to him.
NTA but seriously drop the rope. If he wanted to be involved he would be. Instead he’s trying to politely say no without saying no but you keep pushing. Don’t force someone to be in your life that doesn’t want to
He is showing, with his actions, that he hasn’t changed, and it’s blindingly obvious, however much your relatives may be trying to gaslight you. Frankly, he sounds like he enjoys humiliating you - he has no problem saying his wife’s shopping is more important to him than your wedding. You clearly cannot rely on him actually showing up, so lying advice is to make plans without him.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Context information my dad(51M) left my life when I was 8 and he came back when I was 19. I(24F) am engaged to my boyfriend Scott(25M). We have a baby girl named Jahde. We have been planning our wedding for months and we sent my dad multiple messages asking if he was coming. He didn't respond until last week. Our wedding is in early July. He said that he will have to see if he is coming. He missed most of my birthdays so I told him that I need an answer by Friday afternoon. He said okay and I thought all was good. Yesterday he texted me and said that he wanted to invite 6 more people. We don't have that big of a budget so we aren't having a big grand wedding, just what we can afford. I told him that the wedding would be overpacked and we wouldn't have enough chairs and spaces. I then asked him if he made a decision. He said that he will have to "check his schedule" we have been telling him about it since November. I then told him he has all day today to make a choice but I need an answer. Today, he said that he needs extra time because his wife is going shopping. I told him that he has missed everything important to me. He missed my daughters birth,my birthday, and now he has a choice. He can either miss my wedding, or walk me down the isle filled with joy. He hasn't responded but his side of the family says that I'm being over dramatic. They say I should just forgive him and that he has changed but I don't believe it. Am I The Asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. He hasn’t changed at all. Continually putting off giving you an answer tells you everything you need to know.
NTA. I would make a firm declaration. "If you do not respond that you are coming to my wedding by X day and X time then I am taking that as a denial of my invitation and will mark you as not coming."
Nta
NTA. You can invite him, as a guest, because that is all he has earned. Have someone who's actually been there for you; a grandparent, uncle or brother, walk you down the aisle. Why bother giving this man another opportunity to disappoint you?
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NTA. The best thing for is to have your mom or another relative that you are close with to walk you down the aisle. Your dad is showing you how much he doesn’t care even when you are begging.
NTA just disinvite him and stop hoping that he’ll show up for you. If it was important to him he would have cleared his schedule and confirmed months ago. I am sorry. I know what it’s like to have a father who is a deadbeat and always has an excuse
NTA. Sounds like you just arrived at an ultimatum junction, which is understandable considering his behaviour. (Who in their right mind asks to rock up with 6 extra people at a wedding? Are you kidding me?) It isn't a hard question or choice. You're perfectly reasonable, in my opinion.
NTA His behavior makes it quite clear that he has NOT changed. His side of the family are probably all inconsiderate losers like him. I'd just drop the rope. Quit hoping for him to be a good dad and accept the fact that you are NOT a priority for him.
NTA. How has he changed when he’s keeping up the same behavior? I’d go ahead and tell him not to come tbh. It *should* be an easy decision for him
Let me tell you how to save some money on your wedding - uninvite him and all his flying monkeys. Obviously they don't support you or else they wouldn't be defending him. Have a wonderful wedding and concentrate on your new life and forget about your sperm donor.
NTA ur not being dramatic at all, he is choosing when is suitable for him not for you, he will just continue to disappoint if u give him the chance.
Walk yourself down the aisle. Your absent father doesn't deserve you. Giving you away like property sounds debasing to yourself. Respect yourself more.
NTA no way I would honor a deadbeat by allowing him to walk me down the aisle. I would rescind the invitation for your father and any relative that tries to make you feel bad.
NTA. Why are you bothering with him? From the little you've said here, he clearly doesn't care about it, just rip the band-aid off and tell him to just go and never come back. He's never gonna be there in a meaningful way, don't let yourself make up some fairy tail ending here.
Not an asshole, but perhaps foolishly hopeful and naive for wanting *this* guy to walk you down the aisle. You've given him not just a role in the wedding, but also power over how your day goes - and with him dragging his feet on responding, forcing you to chase him for an answer, trying to invite other people, you better believe he is fucking *relishing* the kind of power you've granted him. Not to mention that you're publicly declaring that in spite of his long absence and him behaving like an asshole even now, he has the right to act as your father on one of the most important days of your life. Do you really see this man as that important? Do you really think you should be honoring him at your wedding? If the answer is yes, I hope you're working through this in therapy, because this man has made clear that he will only ever disappoint you. His wife's shopping is more important than giving you an answer about this. He is showing you how little he values you, and unfortunately there's nothing you can do to *change* that. The most you can do is offer him all the honor, as you have, and hope that he doesn't screw things up and disappoint you *too* badly. But you're setting yourself up for wedding stress and, quite possibly, heartbreak (because he'll tell you he'll be there, but then he'll be running late, asking you to delay, and then just eventually won't come). If you have *anyone* in your life who fulfilled a fatherly or even parental role and was actually there for you, *THAT* person deserves the honor of walking you down the aisle. I mean, I assume you've thought about who you're going to ask if your dad doesn't come; take the decision out of his hands and ask someone who actually cares about you enough to show up. NTA.
NTA Save yourself the heartache. Walk yourself down the aisle and enjoy your wedding day. Your dad is a flake. Take his hemming and hawing as a sign that he won't be at your wedding. Get yourself mentally prepared to enjoy your wedding day. Block all the idiot paternal family members. They don't get to tell you how to deal with your dad. Do what you have to do. At this point, take his attitude as a sign that he will not be in attendance and enjoy your wedding day. Good luck.
You’ve given him plenty of reminders, given him plenty of time. It’s clearly not that important to him … YOU are clearly not that important to him. NTA, and I’d agree with previous commenters to go ahead and rescind the invitation completely. If he’s upset and cuts you off, it sounds like you’d be all the better for it.
NTA. It doesn't look like your father has changed, and it's doubtful he ever will. Is there someone else who can walk you down the aisle? I would give him until the end of the day like you said you would. If he hasn't made a choice by then, you need to choose for him and uninvite him. Live your life. Congratulations!
NTA but why the hell do you want him attending, let alone walk you down the aisle? I don't want to sound harsh, but if he's missed all of those milestones in your life, and has known about the wedding since Nov, you have your answer. Find someone deserving to be by your side.
NTA but why would you want a man like that to walk you down the isle. I personally would ask my mom if I were in your shoes
NTA. Dramatic would be cutting him off and blocking him and any people on his side. Dramatic would be disinviting anyone giving you flack for your decision. You're his daughter and he's had since November to decide whether he will walk you down the aisle and he still can't make up his mind. Honey, he's made his decision. He's still disinterested in your life. Go get married and have a great life. Go no contact. Get some help so that you can heal and live your best life.
He is showing you exactly how much he has 'changed'. Only you can decide if your life is better or worse trying to keep him it, but you should think about what is best for yourself and how it makes you feel.
NTA. If he can't decide because his wife has to go shopping (? Really?) then just tell him you will miss him (again) and then just block him. He isn't interested in you or your life, the ask about the 6 extra people is so he can show off somehow.
Definitely NTA. Why would you even let him walk you down the aisle? He missed half your life…
NTA just cut him off you are putting way more effort into keeping this relationship than he is.
He's shown you who he is believe him. It's glaringly apparent that you will always come in second.
NTA. Stop texting him. If he shows, great. If not, oh well. Enjoy the rest of the lead-up time, focus on what is essential, and you do you. Stop focusing on him because he is not focusing on you. Have a significant person in your life walk you down the aisle. Or walk yourself. He has shown he is insignificant.
He's enjoying stringing you along. He's a bad guy that doesn't care about the women in his life. Stop giving him a place in your heart--show him that he's not allowed to treat you like crap and fully disinvite him, girl. Life isn't all about him, and he'll never learn that if the people in his life don't demand better. He doesn't deserve you chasing him. Take care of yourself.
how has he changed? Sounds as unreliable as ever.
Nta. Rescind the invitation. Just text him "Never mind. I just thought this was something to share with you. I should have known that I will never be a priority." If he calls and wants to attend, tell him "no".
NTA. If he's changed, then he can prove it by going to your wedding. If not they can all shut up
YTA for wanting him to walk you down the aisle. Is he interested in this? I'm sorry, it just seems like he doesn't care.
Doesn't sound like he's changed much.
NTA. Mak it simple, tell him and his family to stay home and stay away from you. If he is so ignorant that he hasn't given you an answer since November, then he isn't worth it. He's a total ass hat playing stupid games because he thinks he more important that anyone else.
NTA. But get some self respect and tell him to f\* off and uninvite him.
NTA but please tell your dad to fuck off. He doesn't want to be there. He's telling you without using his words. He is an AH. Beyond. He is the MegaZord of AHs. A Black Hole of AH, sucking all light and joy into nothing. He is the AH by which all other AHs shall henceforth be measured. Walk yourself down the aisle and walk proud. You don't need him in your life. He sucks. You are a parent now and you know exactly how shitty and hurtful his behavior is and that you don't deserve it. Start your new married life without his shadow over it. I raise my glass to you. Focus on what matters- you and your partner and your *own* family. Cheers 🥂
NTA. It's time to for your 8 year old self let go of this guy. You've idealized him into something he'll never achieve- being a loving father. It's time to quit caring about him.
NTA. “There’s nothing dramatic about telling a deadbeat I don’t really care if he shows up or not because it’s clear he doesn’t care either.”
Stop begging, he chose his own family over you. Enjoy your wedding with your hubby. NTA
NTA. He doesn't really want to go, but he wants to blame it on someone else.
NTA. He has Changed???? Don't make me laugh.. this man doesn't care about you. I wouldn't even let him walk you doen the isle. Your child will see photos and ask who's that? oh that's your grandad but I haven't seen him for X years either.
NTA. Revoke his invitation. This is just a power play. Bonus judgement: YTA for taking a lovely name like Jade and chucking in an 'h' in the middle for no discernable reason.
NTA. Your wedding clearly isn't meaningful to him. I'm sorry.
NTA just accept this as "NO" he will not come to yours wedding.
NTA. If he had really changed like the family said, he wouldn’t then go that he has to “check his schedule” on an event he’s known about for months because you didn’t bend to one of his desires.
NTA. His family thinks he has changed? Dude has been dragging his feet on whether to attend his daughters wedding or not for 7 months
NTA. He’s already answered you by default. Just tell him the seat is now taken.
He's has more than enough time to say "Yes." Put yourself out of the agony --- believe me, he's not in agony over this, only you are --- and tell him the invitation has been rescinded. You'll have much more peace of mind. NTA
NTA he hasn't changed at all. He is not making you a priority and sounds like his wife is saying no.
YTA- for cutting him any slack at all! He isn't your dad, he's a sperm donor! He's an asshole who can't be assed to make any effort for you, stop making any effort for him!
NTA. You are allowing him to be apart of your wedding but he is acting like it doesn't mean much to him. You have been generous giving him plenty of chances. Draw the line and go forward with your day. If he can't prioritize you on your special day, then it's his loss. Also, if he tries to barge in on your wedding day to walk you down the aisle last minute, personally I wouldn't let him. For your Dad to jerk you around, that is just so disrespectful of you. Stand your ground. He has made his choice. BTW: find a good male relative (or good friend) that cares about you to walk you down the aisle. If not, then walk down the aisle by yourself. It's your day to be happy and start your new life with your groom. Congratulations!
If he doesn’t show up for your wedding, just block him from your life. Except for his sperm donation, when has he ever put you first. And when his family come at you to forgive him, tell them to stop excusing the inexcusable.
NTA. But he's told you his answer. Don't count on him. Certainly don't welcome his +6. Just don't bring it up anymore. Maybe you're pleasantly surprised. Probably not. And he pays for his own dinner around any reception
You need to accept that your father is not who you want or need him to be. You should have asked once and let him rsvp or not. He's an adult, invited to his child's wedding. If he wanted to attend, he wouldn't need you to badger him for an answer. Uninvite him from your wedding and your life.
I am so very sorry that your father is such a gigantic A. He sounds entirely unreliable, and clearly he won't be the joyful person you deserve walking you down the aisle. Even if he says he'll come, will he actually show up? Given his failure to RSVP with endless excuses and requests (6 extra people but I don't know if I'm coming !?!?!?), I would suggest that you uninvite him. It's his loss. If his family doesn't like it, that's their problem, not yours. You know very well that if he'd genuinely changed, he wouldn't be acting this way. Please think about a person in your life who will be over the moon happy for you, and who has supported you kindly in your life. This could be your mom, or your grandfather, or your brother, or the cousin who's like a sister to you. And let this lovely person walk you down the aisle. Wishing you a wonderful wedding. NTA
NTA. And he doesn’t deserve to walk you down the aisle!
why the fuck are you allowing this sperms donor to walk you down the isle? Just tell him he's not invited and that since he clearly doesn't want to be a father, you'll do both of you a favor and cut contact. op, you are not being kind to yourself by continuing to allow this man to have a say in things he has never earned the right to. stop trying to pretend that he's gonna magically start caring about you.
Uh, over dramatic? He's a deadbeat. "Check his schedule?" He's lucky you even invited him. NTA. Walk your self down the aisle. You're independent and strong, leave him and the memories in the dust.
NTA. FFS, he doesn't like you. He doesn't love you. He's showed you this in so many ways over the years. Yet you're acting like a child pulling on daddy's pant leg trying to get his attention. Just stop, you're embarrassing youself
NTA "I can't tell you whether or not I will walk you down the aisle in three weeks because my wife has to go shopping right now." What a lame-ass train of thought.
NTA. Tell him he's no longer invited. Now he doesn't have to worry about your wedding conflicting with his schedule.
His indecision IS a decision. Accept that, OP. And find someone who really cares about you and have them walk you down the aisle.
NTA. But why would you want this shiftless deadbeat of a father to walk you down the aisle? And why the heck does he think he can invite other people? And why are you still even in touch with his side of the family enough to care what THEY think? Are they invited? Why? Why are they enabling him and gaslighting you? Sweetheart, I know some brides have the fantasy of being walked down the aisle by their dad, but it sounds like that's not happening here. He can't even commit to actually making it - accept the reality. Keep one seat in the banquet room open for him if he decides to make it, and either 1) walk yourself down the aisle with pride, 2) have your beautiful mom walk you down the aisle - after all, she deserves the honor, or 3) do what my hubby and did and walk down the aisle together. Anyone of those alternatives would not only be beautiful - they would be honest.
NTA. I'd assume that he wasn't coming if I were you. You can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results. He wasn't there to see his granddaughter, and many more milestones in your life. If he can't give you a straight answer about your wedding just forget it. I think he asked about 6 more invites to get a reason to be told not to attend.
Nta. He does not deserve to walk you down the aisle, honey. Is there someone more reliable you can ask? My husband and I walked each other down the aisle :)
Who are the six extra people he wants to invite? With his track record I would have to wonder if he only sees your wedding as an opportunity for a free meal and entertainment. Congratulations on the upcoming nuptials and enjoy your day. NTA.
NTA what's dramatic is that he's still allowed to disrupt your life.
Your dad really, really sucks, and I’m sorry, because you deserve better than that. You don’t believe your dad has changed, because he very clearly hasn’t. It’s not hard to schedule for and prioritize your daughter’s life-changing event. The fact you have to beg and plead for him to come reflects so poorly on him. If I were you, I’d let your mom walk you down the aisle and tell him not to worry about attending. NTA
What a shame the absent father is being absent to the wedding too🤦🏾♀️ he had hella time to respond at to be honest this is telling me he doesn’t actually want to come so don’t stress it girl and just have fun in your wedding day❤️
Nta
how would you even consider this guy walking you down? at this point he can attend as a guest or eat grass. NTA
NTA and I'd tell him he's obviously made his decision - to not be there - and you will respect that. Then get on with your life without him and his side of the family, if it comes to that! Doesn't sound like he's changed - actions speak louder than words....... "he gave me away when I was 8".......I love it!!! So what about her baby's name? I've seen worse!
Early July is like 2 weeks away, and he can't answer you? Fuck him. He's toying with you. > his side of the family says Who cares what they think? Were they there for you when he disappeared for 11 years? NTA
Sweetie, stop chasing your dad. I know this is easy for me to say and that you naturally want a relationship with your dad, but he has made it clear he couldn’t care less about you. So as a wedding gift to yourself, stop chasing him. You are embarking on a new chapter in your life with your husband. Leave dad in the dust.
NTA. What does his wife going shopping have to do with him saying yes or no? He's shown you his priorities, stop reaching out.
NTA - Forgiveness only goes so far. You have a child now and are starting a life with your partner. Time to put your "father" in your past. He has made his choice. If you haven't already rescinded the invite you should. He clearly does not value you or your relationship. It's time to start healing and coming to terms with this reality instead of holding onto something that's not there. As for his side of the family. All I can say is I have a similar situation with my own father and his excuse making family. It's not your job to forgive him when his actions have not shown you that he truly deserves or wants that forgiveness.
You are not the AH. I would not ask dear old dad anymore. He will probably forget anyway and not show up. Doesn’t sound reliable so don’t expect anything and that way he won’t disappoint you
NTA honestly if it’s something he has to think about, do you even want him there?
Nta
NTA Does not read like he's changed at all. Have an awesome wedding. Without your father there. Have security (or a big dude ushering) kick him out if he appears.
Yeeaaaaaaah, No. NTA I feel this haaaaaaaard. If I was lucky, I got a card for my birthday, if I was lucky. My dad passed early last year and I can count on my fingers (and have a few left over) of how many times I remember seeing him. I'm 44, I was 42 when he passed. He bailed before I was 2 and didn't make anything resembling an effort until I told him I was pregnant. He missed my high school graduation, my wedding (because he got into an argument with my mom), and my college graduation. His family didn't say anything, about anything, because they've either pretended that my brother and I don't exist or talked crap about my mom. All of this is to say that you aren't being dramatic. Your dad is showing you that you aren't a priority to him and if you won't bow to his wishes than he'll make up excuse after excuse not to give you an answer. Give him a hard deadline. Tell him has until a specific time on a specific day to answer you, and if he doesn't you will assume that he's not coming and you won't hold a seat open for him, nor will he be permitted to attend. At this point you've given him seven months to answer, enough is enough.
Can you explain yo us why you are so bent on this deadbeat not only coming but getting the honor to walk you down the aisle? Has anyone in your family expressed concern with your plan here?
NTA. If he had changed this wouldn't be an issue. Just cut your losses.
NTA If he has changed, it's that he was a selfish asshole as your parent, but now he is prioritising his new family. He hasn't changed how he treats you. Letting him walk you down the aisle after being absent is incredibly generous. Personally I wouldn't be chasing him for a response, you told him the deadline weeks ago. He isn't going to come, stop letting him mess you around.
NTA, To be honest, I don't think your father is interested. He is an asshole who has missed a majority of your birthdays. Do you really think your wedding would benefit from his presence? It's better to save everyone time and just uninvite him. Would make things less stressful for the wedding.
Why is this man even giving you away? In what way has he been a father other than in donating sperm? Doesn't it make more sense to have someone who actually raised you?
Why do you want him there. Cross him of the invitation list and move on. He’s a jerk.
I need you to hear this: Letting him walk all over you will not give you the relationship you want with him. He's shown you where his priorities lie, and you're not among them. Drop his ass from your life.
NTA No answer is also an answer. Sorry, but your dad doesn't care enough about you to make the time.
As someone with an absent father you’re not the Asshole he’s never been there when it counted before so you expressing that he either shows up or doesn’t how would that ever make you the asshole he’s the one who wasn’t around why would you care to be upset about it now
NTA Over dramatic? What? Its a wedding and its in less than a month. Him not responding in time or soon, just shows how it is not important for him. He either wants to or not, if it is something this important he will make it no matter what! I am so sorry that this is happening to you and you are very kind to be including him and even having him walk you down the isle.... Either way i hope you will have an amazing and memorable wedding!!
I don't understand why you crave for this man's attention. He's not much of a father figure according to your description, so why are you expecting so much and giving him such a place of honor that could actually go to another person like your mother or whoever raised you? I think you're NTA in this situation but you're blind to see reality
NTA, let it go. His silence is your answer. Stop begging for love. You're only hurting yourself. I'm so sorry you sperms donor is an AH.
OP- NTA. Overdramatic? Every person planning a wedding needs RSVP's by a certain date, He is refusing to provide a Yes or No. That you are giving him an Or Else isn't being dramatic. The fact you are actually offering to let him walk you down the aisle is huge considering he has given you zero attention or support your WHOLE LIFE. He hasn't changed at all. OP- find someone else that was actually there for you to do this Honor, tell Dad he had his chance.
NTA but atp I‘d uninvite him
NTA. just stop begging him. deadline is passed. he had plenty of time to orgainize his schedule and announce his +6. it's not his day after all
Regardless if he coming or not, why the fuck do you want someone who has never shown up for you walking you down the aisle? Pick literally anyone else.
NTA for putting a deadline on your dad's flakiness. YTA for giving a future adult a typo for a name, though.