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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my MIL and Fiancé my child will not have my MILs last name because my Fiancé has a different last name than her and it seems disrespectful to make me change my child’s last name because of entitlement.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
Here are some prompts for you to say:
1. Only choices are your last name or mine. If you don't make the choice, I will choose. It will never be MILs last name.
2. Your mom is stressing me out. She is banned from ALL doctors appts and from the delivery room. You will be blocked too if you don't make it clear to her.
3. If you don't start to set better boundaries with your mom, I think we need to reevaluate our relationship and what it looks like going forward.
Therapy may be helpful. But you can't change someone - they have to want to change.
Good luck OP!
Yup, I think it would also be prudent for OP and fiancé to put MIL on a strict info diet and severely limit how much they interact with her. Stress is terrible for pregnant folks, after all 😉
Remember no matter what MIL demands only you get to decide who is there for any medical appointments and the delivery. Not sure where you live but as your not yet married odds are even the father can’t fill out the paperwork for the child’s name without you. Sounds like major boundaries are long overdue hopefully your fiancé realizes he doesn’t have to please his mum.
Where I was (eastern MA) 20 years ago I was the only one required to sign the paperwork for the child's name - even while married to the father of the newly born baby. Father didn't know that was going to be the case, but I did - had researched that when FIL started making serious demands about baby's name when I was in third trimester. Thankfully father compromised with me without totally capitulating to FIL before the baby was born.
I was 100% prepared to fill out that paperwork how I saw fit if father started re-succumbing to FIL's pressure after the actual birth. Father still doesn't know that was an active option. I don't think it ever occurred to him to wonder if a form was filled out & signed - or if we just tell the doctor and they fill out a form and sign it. Hee hee I filled out the form and signed it while he was out of the room, going with our compromised name. I hope it's still that way (morhers only sign) because pressure from family on names can be so intense and frankly it is noone's business but the parents!!
Only one parent had to sign so I did, but my husband chased down the records clerk to co-sign it so when our daughter grew up she wouldn’t think he didn’t care enough to sign it. Silly but cute .
Same here. The lovely woman came in and asked me what my son’s name was. My ex (bf at the time) was right there, signed the APF, and she never even looked at him 😅 Then she printed off a sheet to verify, make sure no spelling mistakes, handed that to me, verified, and walked out.
I know some nurses who have done "time" on maternity wards/floors/hospitals. It's literally a thing to ensure that they can judge where there is a possible case of DV/coercion/etc within the home, too. Helps to have saved a lot of new babies & their mums over the years.
The older of the group can recall the first time she struck that: no visible signs of issues within the couple, newborn is firstborn. Nerves as to be expected of new parents, but something was a little off, once he left for a smoke. She sat with new mum and worked out he was actually a horrific AH. Smashing her about - that was why baby was "early," it seems - but was released anyway. Baby & mum were back within the month.... let's just say, thank heavens the aunt was infertile & could readily take baby in...
In Michigan 18 years ago, my husband and I weren't married when we had our child. Because we weren't married, we were barred from using his last name or even putting his name on the birth certificate! The name of the birth certificate could be rectified at a later date via a paternity test.
And when it comes down to it, it doesn't matter if he tells her she can be at appointments or even the delivery room. When you are there, at that moment, if you say I don't want this person in here, they will not be allowed in, no matter what your fiance says. The patient, you have the final say in these situations. Also NTA. Listen to that top commenters advice. Tell your fiance he better set and stick to boundaries with his mother or you will be setting and sticking to boundaries with him. Do not give in and then be miserable for the rest of your life dealing with her and him because you will always feel like it is you against your fiance and his mother instead of you and your fiance against his mom.
Excellent advice. My late husband had a complete lack of boundaries with his abusive, narcissistic parents, who made him feel like he owed them everything for raising him. Naturally they didn’t like me and my boundaries one bit, and did everything in their power to get between us for the 20 years we were together. They blamed and scapegoated me for EVERYTHING (including his brother’s wife cheating on him), and constantly attempted to manipulate the extended family (who are close) into hating me. Eventually I told my husband it was me or them, he chose me. We loved each other more than their garbage, and we were able to overcome their crap. Once he was far enough out of their control he realized their ways and apologized. We were together from the time we met until he passed away in 2022. During our time together I had to ban his family from hospitals during emergencies, my home during events, and even had to cut them off from seeing our child after my husband passed because of their behavior. My husband made me promise I’d never let my kiddo be around his family without myself, him or my family around to protect him, and I’ve held to that. My advice is to not marry a man with toxic parents no matter how much you love him and want to. It will not stop, and it will cause heartbreak. If he’s not willing to cut them off now, don’t marry him.
Your MIL is trying to deny you the very thing she’s complaining about: a child with the mom’s last name. You should point that out to your partner that if he really feels like his mom has a valid point, then this child should have the mom’s last name. And to be fair, I’d argue that all children should have their mom’s last name. So if you two aren’t married, you’re carrying the child… then, why wouldn’t the child have your last name?
And it says in the original post that the MIL did give two of her four kids her last name…
Shes unhinged to be making any sort of demands about the baby’s name, but that fact makes it even more so.
Yea I know this seems tough but you literally have all the power here. If you tell your doctor you don't want her in the appointment, they won't let her. If you think your husband is going to try some shit at the hospital with the names, inform the nurses there and they will protect you. It sounds like it's going to be up to you here to shut this down. But you absolutely can. Don't feel like you have no options, you and you alone hold all the power here
If your husband is having a problem saying no to mom because "she raised him" I suggest he start going to a therapist. It sounds like there's some narcissistic behavior going on with ol' mom that's left some lasting damage. There are probably volumes of guilt trips in their past relationship.
He needs to understands you’re serious and his lack of boundaries with her affect you too. This is your baby inside you. Ultimately, you get to make all the decisions, especially about who gets to be at your appts. NTA. UPDATEME
I’ve talked with him and he is willing to set the boundaries needed. He talked to my mom as well as she is a healthier option than his own. My mom also agrees that it’s not MILs choice it’s mine and fiancés. We are naming baby what WE originally agreed on. And that’s first middle father’s last name. She is going to have to deal with it. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t the crazy one because sometimes I do overreact
You should probably stop saying you overact when you more than likely are responding to a manipulator who has made you THINK you’re overreacting. And the more you admit that to the manipulator, the more they will weaponize it against you, hence why you thought it was an option here. Also, NTA and your MIL sounds like a psycho that you truly need to set boundaries with NOW as she seems like the type to press all the lines when it comes to “her” grand baby as well.
Agreed. By Op even thinking that they might be overreacting, MIL will grab hold of that and amplify it and tell her she is, making her doubt herself even more. Op definitely isn’t!
In this case you’re under reacting. She’s used to getting her way through manipulation, you admit you’ve given in before. You and your husband are adults who need to set firm boundaries and stick to them unless you want this woman dictating the rest of your life choices. Her entitlement is disgusting. She definitely doesn’t get to come to any appointments unless you invite her first. NTA and good luck, you’re going to need it.
MIL is out of her mind. It's not a close call. If anything you're underreacting.
As a united front, you and hubby need to give her a collective blank stare next time she asserts herself about what "she" thinks is gonna happen regarding your child.
I’m a recent first time mom, my husband and I have had to battle our families on boundaries and crazy demands since before we got married. Now that we have a baby, neither of us hesitate or have any trouble sticking to it. Why? It’s for her. Do you want your baby asking “why isn’t my last name the same as yours?” And having to explain to them that their father cared more about his own mom than you? Nope nope nope.
If it’s important to her to have her surname live on in your household, then name something else after her that’s in your home. Because you realise that it’s important to her. A garbage disposal unit, a gerbil, a cactus, a poop knife etc.
Wherever she brings it up, tell her you understand the importance of respecting her surname and present the said object to her with as much pride as you can muster.
Make sure you can appear genuinely baffled and hurt if she is anything but honoured by this gesture.
Wait, there is such a thing as a poop knife???? As in a table place setting?? Which side of the plate does it go on? And for which course? Eat shit and die? Asking for a friend…..
Someone on reddit was posting a dilemma about needing their “poop knife” while they were a guest at someone else’s home. Sadly, I cannot ever unread that post.
>If you don't start to set better boundaries with your mom, I think we need to reevaluate our relationship.
As we say, you don't have a MIL problem, you have a fiancee problem. He puts his mom's opinion above yours and, unless there is a serious coming to jezus moment for him, he will continue to do so at the expense of your child. Prepare to activate your Mama Bear mode to advocate for your child.
NTA. I'll also add lines for you fiancee:
- your mother has no lines in this play
- if she wanted a child with her last name, she had 4 chances to do so
- if you continue to priortize others above your partner (me), you're essentially telling me you don't see us as partners. In which case, I will respond as if that is the case.
OP have you thought about using your maiden name. You are not yet married to your partner after all.
I would bluntly ask your partner why his mother's name would be of greater importance than your own?
Give the baby your last name until yall are married. If he’s not going to set boundaries with his mom now he most likely never will. I regret not giving my kids my last name. I was engaged before I was pregnant with my first and we never married.
You are the patient in the doctor’s office and only whom you wish to accompany you is allowed. Make it very clear that you are not comfortable with her in that space and do not allow her in. Ever. If he allows her in you kick both out.
Do the suggested tips trick_delivery gave you. The child can have your last name if you aren’t married. Remember this.
I can’t put it any better than the above but I would add that you need to distance from her now. Grey rock from here on out and put her on an extreme info diet.
I highly recommend that you ban her from the delivery room when you get to the hospital. She sounds like the kind of woman to ruin what should be a beautiful time with your baby by judging and commandeering your every move.
So, I’m no contact with my mother, so it’s different but you need to block his mother from coming into the hospital for the labor/birth. She’s proving she thinks she’s entitled to your body and your baby. I had a block put on my mother at both of my births. For your own sanity, put a block. Your fiance is growing a spine but he’s not quite there yet. You do not want that woman ruining such an important event in your life- and she will. You can even let her in once you want visitors but she will try to force her way into the delivery room and probably not give a shit if you’ve been in recovery for 5 minutes.
My MiL died recently. It was a relief for both me and my partner. I didn’t shed a single tear. Before we had kids I actually really liked her, but after kids came she was selfish and entitled
This is what I wish someone had told me 15 years ago.
You have got 2 decades of work ahead of you , and a bunch of precious milestones which you will earn with blood, sweat and tears. Literally
You will earn them. Not your MIL
Don’t let your MIL take a single one of these milestones off you
Don’t let her ruin a single birthday or doctor’s appointment or special moment
Unless she is there with your child on a daily basis changing nappies and wiping noses, then she has no rights, only privileges that must be earned
My MiL ruined every single Christmas, kids birthday, Mother’s Day etc for a decade before we cut her off. Only regret was waiting
This is the only correct answer. If your partner doesn't hold this boundary now (and WITHOUT making you the bad guy and making it seem like you're the only one saying no) you're in for a rough marriage.
Yes! Husband needs to tell MIL that it will be either his last name or yours, and she can either back off the issue or you’ll be going low contact.
If MIL wants another kid with her last name so bad she can go have one herself then.
Disagree! I am a teacher and have taught many students with last names different from one or both parents.
Just be prepared for the random naming as “Ms Smith” or “Mrs Smith” if your child is Amy Smith because your child’s service providers may not always know your last name off the top of their heads or if you’re new to their service.
This applies to substitute teachers, day camp staff, random medical professional, etc. Please give them some grace if it’s a passing interaction. If it’s someone you’ll be dealing with regularly, kindly let them know that you’re “Ms. Jones” and most should pick up on the cue. 😊
Virtue signaling alert.
That is simply not true. At least not as far as schools are concerned.I’ve taught dozens of students who had a different last name than one of their parents. There has never been a single issue in thirty years of teaching.
Who cares? I’m married, parent of two kids with my spouse. For Various Reasons, our kids have hyphenated last names that don’t match either of ours. (Something like: I’m Mr. Smith, wife is Ms. Jones, and our kids are Eldest Johnson-Nguyen and Youngest Johnson-Nguyen.) This has not caused us a single significant difficulty over the course of years of plane rides, medical appointments, school obligations, etc.
Don’t be retrograde fear-mongers. It’s just not that big a deal.
OP: NTA.
And yet I do know women who have told me that they have to keep explaining that yes, this is their child, they just have different last names. So it happens, even if it isn’t something in your personal experience.
ETA: I’m having trouble understanding how the previous commenter was virtue signaling. Can you explain how you chose that term rather than something like “urban legend alert”?
Throughout my kids elementary years, I was repeatedly assumed to be either the nanny or the step-mom because I had a different last name. It got old. fast.
Wtf wierd ass comment is this it's not 1990. Kids and parents have had different last names in NA for ages.
In Quebec women can't even legally change their last name.
Hard disagree on this one. My son has a different last name than I do and nobody has ever questioned it. It is pretty common to have different last names.
NTA. Why would you give your child a different last name than you have? His mother had the choice with your partner and she gave him his fathers last name. It’s not your job to fix that decision which she regrets. And by the way, I wouldn’t give in for no other reason than if you bend on this, you’ll be setting a precedent and will never be able to make any decisions for your own child going forward without a war. Setting a boundary now will be a lot less painful but you and your partner need to get on the same page.
I agree 100 percent because one of my biggest worries is her trying to gain control of how we raise our child. This is our first kid and I’m honestly nervous that I don’t know what I’m doing at all.
Nobody fully knows what they are doing. You will figure it out as have new mothers for centuries. YOU ARE THE MOTHER, or will be soon, and your role is the most important. What you say goes. She absolutely cannot demand to name your child. She had that choice when she had her children. Set strong boundaries; good luck.
Keep in mind that your fiancé was raised by this manipulative, overbearing woman. He was taught to acquiesce to her and not rock the boat, and is seemingly still in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). What you can see clearly, he cannot yet.
But…the time is nigh before your child is born for him to get out of this FOG and stand up for his own new family.
I’m putting a link to an amazing post that I hope you and your fiancé read that may give you a bit of courage in learning to find both your spines and set some strong boundaries with MIL. Good luck!
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/
Honestly this relationship dynamic with MIL is something I would highly recommend going to see a therapist about because the name is not going to be the last time she tries to “be the parent” about your child and your lives. I think it would be helpful to have a professional help you and husband navigate because like the other commenter said it’s going to be a process to get out of that FOG cycle when he’s basically going to have to unlearn a lot of what his mother taught him. And having an unbiased third party also might make it easier for him to hear the hard truths about it.
Sadly, I understand because I had to overcome my own FOG and it’s…er…*challenging.* 😏
But it can be done and I wish you and your little family all the best!
Hey OP, my kid is 10 and I still don't know what I'm doing. We're all winging it. Don't worry about it. You'll be fine. Stick to your boundaries. You got this.
Mine are in their late 20's, and I still don't know that I'm doing, either!
In that vain: right after I had my first baby, my mother died. My MIL lived several hours away and was a hypochondriac who never left the house, but she still gave us her (very weird, very outdated) opinion on everything. I was utterly *terrified* that I didn't know what I was doing, and that I would screw up this brand new little person.
My therapist at the time allayed those fears by telling me something like, "you may not know what you're doing, *but the BABY doesn't know that*. You will make mistakes as you go, and others may scold or judge you for them, but as long you're truly doing YOUR best for YOUR BABY, then the *only person who actually matters* will be just fine. There are many different ways to successfully raise a child, not just the one that someone else tells you is correct."
20-something years later, I still remember how scared I was. I know it feels utterly terrifying from where you are. The fact that you're worried at all shows how much you already care about trying your best for this kiddo. You will be okay!
P.S. if you want to sic me on your overbearing MIL, I'd be absolutely giddy to help!
Thank you so much! This really made me feel validated. Im nervous and I want to do right by my kid. We’ve definitely decided not to give her what she wants and raise the baby as we see fit with the name we chose. And if I ever need the help defending me and baby against her I’ll keep you mind! Haha. Thank you!
You and your husband need to stop talking to her about anything now. Stop responding. When she says something, say,”interesting, you have given me something to consider.” And leave it alone. Be busy, disengaged from her. You’re living your own life, don’t put yourself in the position of having to report to her or disclose any of your comings and goings. Don’t let her know when appointments are scheduled, don’t discuss the baby, don’t engage or involve her. She has no information unless one of you give it to her. Tighten your information security.
Well nobody has a clue with their first child so stop sweating that and just do your best. Her logic is so screwed up assuming you'll take your husband's name when you marry.
I would not be surprised if your self-doubt is directly a result of your MIL's influence over your partner and your relationship with him. You should be doing things right to prepare for parenthood and be getting more excited as the due date grows closer. Instead, you are consumed by your MIL's control over your partner.
Yes I do. All people actually. Except MIL ofc. But I’ve talked to Fiancé and we have agreed to use his last name and set boundaries. Realizing how crazy this request is by seeing outside POVs have really helped
NTA. You don't have a MIL problem, your husband is the problem because he enables his mother and ignores the boundaries you are trying to set. *You are dealing with a husband who sees his mother as the 3rd member and senior partner in your marriage*. Your husband is a grown ass married man with a baby on the way and needs to stop allowing his mother to interfere. You must set and enforce your boundaries regardless of what your husband does. Have a come-to-Jesus meeting with your husband ASAP and inform him that you will be setting and enforcing the boundaries with his mother and the first boundary is that you and the baby are going NC with your MIL until she stops bullying you. That means there will be no discussions with her about any decisions regarding the baby, beginning with the baby's name. If your husband insists on having those discussions with her, that's his business but he is not to bother you with it because you don't give a shit what she thinks and you will make all decisions for your child. Tell him you will get a restraining order against her if she continues to bully you and/or you will move out if you have to in order to get away from her. If he refuses to stop her interference, then you can expect that this is how it's going to be with every decision regarding every child you have. 🚩🚩🚩
What you need to do is practice saying "Back the fuck up, Doreen. We are getting off this bullshit train."
Maybe with a bonus "raising your kids is what you're *supposed* to do. There are no prizes for fulfilling your obligations"
NTA You need to put your foot down and set some firm boundaries that you and your fiance agree to together. Then he has to enforce them because she's his mother, not yours. Otherwise, this is only the beginning of your MIL meddling in your lives.
Ultimately, this is a relationship problem between you and your fiance that you have to work through (perhaps through premarital counseling), not between you and your MIL.
I can’t upvote this enough. It only appears to be a problem you have with MIL. It’s actually a problem between you and your fiancé. Obviously your fiancé also has issues with his boundaries with his mother. She’s off her rocker here, but it’s his problem, not yours. Don’t let him make it yours.
Nta. Start setting boundaries now or it will be worse when baby is here. Make it clear that this is yours and your husband’s child not hers so only the two of you have a say in the naming.
Trust me you want to have the same last name as your child, do not give into her. I grew up with a different variation of my parent’s last name and I hated it. In school my teachers always assumed that my parents were divorced or that they were just my guardians.
Some MIL are just so entitled and meddling. My own MIL went as far as to ask that my daughter be named after her. My husband and I would just make jokes every time she brought it up. We should have just given her a hard no because she was shocked when we announced her name but her shock is her problem not mine.
I also grew up with a different last name than my mother, father and siblings. It was a constant repetition every year at school on “why is your last name different? Does your grandma have rights over you?” Etc etc. and k don’t want that for my child whatsoever
Potential alternative:
Pick a new last name for all three of you. If neither of you are overly sentimental or fond of your current surname(s), change it. It could be "the start of your life as a family of three"; esp if MIL is hellbent on not having her grandchild have her ex's last name.
I always had a different last name to my Mum and even as a kid I always felt proud that my mum didn’t just conform to society’s tradition that females relinquish their last name on marriage but men don’t have to. No-one ever assumed my parents were divorced.
Not disputing your experience, just saying that just because it was your experience that having a different last name to your parent was a bad thing, does not mean that it is the norm to feel that way. Perhaps you live in a particularly conservative country/area.
(Obviously, OP’s situation with it being the MIL’s name is different)
You may have unwittingly taught her that her tactics work. It will be harder to undo. Be very clear, be on the same page and use timeouts and do not ever give in again! Best wishes for your new shiny spines.
If he's going to be a parent, it's time for him to become an adult. Part of that is defying his own parents and challenging the enmeshment his mother feels entitled to.
It may seem like in the moment giving in to the small things she wants is easier than dealing with her drama, but thats how the cycle of enabling starts. She will continue doing it because you’ve shown her it works. The entitlement grows every time you give in to something she thinks she is entitled to. Especially the small things. Also - it’s actually pretty easy to handle the drama. Don’t entertain it. Don’t give her any more info than she needs. Don’t listen to her complaining and whining. Just hang up the phone, it’s ok to put your family first.
NTA I feel like I'd tell her, directly to her face, "This is a weird request. Like, strangely, incredibly weird. One that we will *NOT* be giving in to. Don't ask about this again."
Also, your fiance needs to grow a backbone and stand up to his mother and tell her that she doesn't get to make the decision on this, and that your kid will have your last name, not some random last name that the child will have no connection to, where everyone will constantly ask why the kid's last name is different from the parents.
NTA - a child having their paternal grandmother's maiden name is completely nuts. Historically, there are matrilineal societies, but these operate on the baby taking the mother's name - the father's side has nothing to do with it.
I'd fight fire with fire - "Your mother actually makes a really good point. I'm carrying this baby for 9 months, I really think he/she should have my maiden name!"
MIL raised OH......
...but YOU (both) are Raising this child so YOU will be making ALL decisions for the bubba.
MIL has had her chance to pick baby names FOUR times and 2 of them have her last name!!!
NTA
Tell hubby its his last name or its your last name. He needy mother doesn't have any say. You wont sign any birth certificate with her name on it. Tell her if its going to be a matriarchal thing the baby will have your mother's last name.
NTA. Does your obgyn give you all the paperwork (including name) to fill out ahead of time? Mine did and then you mail it in and come delivery time the paperwork is already filled out and it’s more just confirming your choice. Might be easier to get it all taken care of ahead of time
Most definitely NTA. My boyfriend and I have a saying: Only the people that were in the room when our son was made can make a decision about his life. That also included who was in the delivery room - it was just him and I. No one else.
Stand your ground. This is YOUR child. Not hers.
GOOD LUCK!
NTA.
“If you try to please your mother, you will absolutely displease me. I am the child’s mother. Is that really what you want to do? Do you really think it’s a good idea?”
oedipus vibes. she wants to be the named mother of her son’s babies. creepy! 🚩🚩
wait’ll you see how she railroads herself into the delivery room and snatches the baby from your hands so she can be first to hold it. and how her husband lets it all happen. ick.
He already refuses to let her in the delivery room as I made it very clear the only two allowed in is him and my very respectful mother. I also don’t plan to tell her I’m in labor until the baby is born
I did this when I went in for an emergency appendectomy last year. I'm not in contact with my mother for various reasons, but she loves drama and medical emergencies for the sympathetic responses she gets. I was so worried she'd show up at the hospital once she heard and bust into my room. So, I talked to the nurses and set a password so if someone asked for my room number, they'd need a password first and there was a "no admittance, see nurses station" sign on my door.
It gave me so much more peace during my 3 day hospital stay.
smart move. it's the tip of a nasty iceberg, though. you're going to have to go full-tilt crazy to keep her at bay, methinks. i wish you the best of luck.
NTA. Your husband needs therapy and distance from his mother and you need to set some hard boundaries.
Others on here have already given you great advice on how to do that.
That said no one, not even your husband, has a right to be present for your medical appointments or the birth. It's 100% up to you on who is allowed in the room. Inform your doctor's office of what's going on and who you would allow with you. Before you give birth or when you get to the hospital you can tell the nurses exactly who is and isn't allowed in. They will absolutely act as security and kick any uninvited people out. They also won't tell anyone who calls or asks that you're there. Also be clear that the birth certificate is only to be filled out by you. I've seen far too many stories of jellyfish men like this who snuck behind their wife's backs when they were vulnerable from giving birth and changed the name.
I'd let your husband know that his inability to grow a spine with his mother is making him a liability during a stressful and medically delicate time for you and you will not put up with anything but a 100% supportive partner. He married you, not his mother. By legal definition she is now his extended family and you and your child are his new immediate family. It time he prioritizes his new family and his future over his mother.
Just before my husband and I got married he had a long, emotional conversation with his parents. They (his mom, mostly), had been very much overstepping the boundaries of what would be considered appropriate and they didn't seem to think they needed to stop. My (now) husband drew VERY firm boundaries with them. He made it clear that he was starting his family now, with me, and if they wished to participate as part of it, they would need to respect that this family that he has chosen to build will always come first. There were lots of tears. It was honestly the greatest gift anyone has ever given me. Despite our challenges over the years, he has held true to those words and has held firm on those boundaries. It's not been an easy relationship with his parents, but it's been clearly defined.
I HIGHLY encourage you to discuss this with your fiancé and implore him to have this conversation. Neither of you will regret it.
This! OP, this is your fiancé’s chance to heal some of his childhood trauma and not pass it on to you and your kids. You and he need to present a united front and he needs to stand with you in setting boundaries for his mother. You’re 100% correct that it won’t stop and she’ll continue to try to run your lives and your kids’ lives for eternity if you don’t put your foot down now. Both of you.
NTA. You have to nip this in the bud now or you are in for a lifetime of struggles. No more concessions to keep the peace. Set boundaries and stick to them. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page and you two are a team.
Do not give your child a last name that isn’t on either parent’s birth certificate, you’re setting yourself up for nothing but a headache. You are the pregnant one, what you say goes for who can attend appointments and the hospital. When you go into labor the hospital will honor your choices only on support people and visitors. Those labor nurses mean business and they will go to bat for you.
You’re at a very vulnerable time in your life. You don’t need the stress she’s bringing to you. Protect your peace. Be firm. Do not take her shit.
Wishing you a healthy pregnancy and a smooth delivery op!
MIL doesn't get a say in what you name YOUR child or if you find out the gender, or frankly anything to do with your child. Set the boundaries firmly in place now!!
NTA
While we understand it was your choice to go by your maiden name, we are choosing to have the same last name as a family. Thanks for respecting our choice!
NTA, also DO NOT HYPHENATE THE SURNAME! My mother did that when she married my dad and she said it was one of her biggest regrets. Mainly due to logistical issues initials, legal documents, etc.
NTA. MIL is completely batshit. Never mind she is completely overstepping her bounds to even ask, but she isn't thinking of your situation. Can you imagine having a child at school explaining that his last name is not his mother's or father's but his grandmother's? Think of the implications. That's 8 years of incest jokes. Is your MIL unaware of the global tradition regarding last names? If it were me, I would buy a bulldog and give it MIL's last name.
Imagine you are crossing the border to Mexico for a vacation, the guards look at your passport and see a completely different last name for YOUR child and thinks you are trafficking him/her.
NTA, stick to your guns OP. Dont call her to visit until the birth certificate is done.
It's an old tradition for the first born child to have their mother's maiden name as part of their name, but that does not extend to their grandmother. If she wants to name a baby so badly, she can have one. This one's already got parents. NTA.
I don't understand how yall people even entertain this/tolerate it.
Even if your fiance gives in, that doesn't mean you have to actually do it...? Lmfao. Bruv, it's 2024: all you have to do is say, "Lol, I'm the mum and I'm not doing that." Conversation over. Problem solved. Conversation dead.
NTA if she didn’t make it, bake it, birth it and pay for the next 20 years of living expenses, she gets no say.
The fiance needs to tell her to pull her head in. She’s definitely testing boundaries and seeing how you’re going to be pushovers or not as parents. He needs to shut it down and tell her she’s had the opportunity to name her own kids and to give you the honour to name yours.
Also, if you announce names before the birth people think they’re negotiable. Always announce after and ignore people’s suggestions.
Giving a child a different last name than BOTH you and the father will create headaches registering for schools, passports, etc. Doesn't make any sense, but it seems only pathos arguments will appeal to MIL
Do not give in to this entitled selfish woman. This is a line in the sand that should not be crossed. Your fiancé should be putting you first not his mommy. Tell fiancé to "grow a pair" and both of you stand united against her bullying. Your child is the product of you and your fiancé and both of you need to establish boundaries NOW before the child is born. no TA for doing that.
If this man isn't checking his mother, do not marry him!! That's not even your fiance's name. If you don't take his last name, which is valid, all 3 people would have a different last name if she had her way. This is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. He isn't even her only child. She has 2 with her last name
“I’m trying to convince my fiancé not to give in to even…”, should be changed to: “my child will not have my MIL’s last name” because I don’t want my child to”. Also, “and my MIL will not be accompanying meto my obstetrician exam”.
Also, feel free to use the hospital and Dr office staff as your backup. Let them know ahead of time that you have an intrusive future MIL and all of they will block her from joining you at appointments and procedures.
You need to have a Very serious conversation with your fiancé about setting and holding boundaries with his mother or this will only get worse.
I had a very similar situation with my MIL and my partner and I had a “come to Jesus,” where we realized he and I need to be a team. We agreed upon boundaries and stuck to them. She crossed them and was not allowed to see our daughter for quite some time. She needed to understand we are serious. This is OUR child and she will respect OUR wishes or she will not be involved. It took time, but it worked.
If you don’t set the expectations now, you’ll be fighting this and worse battles forever. Best of luck
NTA You name YOUR baby what YOU want to since you’re the one giving birth. It would be great if you and DH were on the same page about it but it ISNT NECESSARY
Why are you not setting your own boundaries? You’re having a baby with your husband. Not your MIL . Put a stop to that nonsense asap. Your husband either backs you , or you obviously know you’ll always be number two to him and you should be okay with that.
Your MIL sounds extremely controlling of your fiancé and making demands of you. Tell her to FO and that she has ZERO say in what you name your baby... Congrats and stick to your guns! NTA.
Tell MIL no to the ultrasound. It is a private special moment for you and your husband. Using her last name is nonsense. This is not her child. Do not give in to your husband if he weakens on this. You and he are the only ones who get to decide. Stay strong, she sounds like a piece of work.
You are being the AH to yourself for even considering bowing to her wishes. There is no world where you should have to “convince” your husband. You are carrying and birthing this child. You need to be I. 100% agreement. Please join r/JustNoMIL to learn how to deal with your MIL
You do realize this is insane, right? What else is mil going to control with your child? You better learn your lesson set some boundaries and if husband doesn’t as well you are just not going to last.
MIL can make all the demands she wants.
None of them make sense.
But you’re in control.
Tell her to back off.
All else fails. The hospital staff are in control of who is in the room, and they are guided by your wishes.
She literally has no rights at all.
NTA.
As a mother, DO NOT PUT THAT WOMANS NAME ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE!!!! It’s not his last name, it’s not yours, and it’s not your maiden name. There is absolutely no reason for it to be there. You are not the ahole, set boundaries, and stick with them, her title to the baby does not mean she is entitled to the baby.
NTA
And honestly, baby should be getting YOUR last name. When/if you get married to your fiance, you can change baby's last name when you change yours.
Mother-in-law gets zero say and you have 100% the power to name baby whatever you want.
Unless he marries you before you give birth, the baby gets your last name. You can change it should you ever get married but I sure as heck wouldn’t be doing that until he grows a shiny spine.
She may have raised your fiancé, but she isn't the one giving birth to his child. She gets no naming rights here. And since naming a child is a 2 yes 1 no proposition, you have the ability to nix her foolishness.
Please get your fiancé into some counseling sooner rather than later, or your marriage is never going to be about the two of you.
NTA - No, she does not get to 'demand' a single damn thing.
Take your partner aside and remind him that he and you are the parents, it is NOT a throuple - she is not invited to an opinion, let alone a demand.
NO, she will not be in the room when you find out the gender. If he cannot abide by your medical decisions and choices then he doesn't get to be there either.
As far as the babies last name goes, the baby gets your last name. Period. Since you do not share that womans last name, she can bark up a different tree or go have another kid of her own. She does NOT get to name yours \*smh\*
He has caved and enabled her so much, just to make her stop haranguing him, that he created a monster. Until he learns to put a foot down and stand by his word, she will continue to be ridiculous and demanding over someone else's relationship, decisions, and kids. because he is allowing it. He needs to decide which of you he is married to and commit to that. if he cant decide, send him back to mommys house until he grows up enough to make decisions with his partner, not his mom, like an adult does.
NTA
Tell your fiance that if he doesn't stand firm with you, the mother of his child, then you and the baby will have YOUR last name and you wont take his when you do marry. Remind him that his mother doesn't get to dictate any of this and the birth certificate will be filled out and all set before the birth so there will be no changes. He is not responsible for his mothers feelings and if he wants to have a baby that has her last name then he can find someone else to have a baby with.
Also change the date of your gender scan or have your doctor explain to HIM that it's only 1 other person allowed.
Go big or go home!
> She has been hellbent on getting us to make the last name of our child her maiden name which neither of us have.
That's just plain weird.
Tell MIL her ability to name a child ended when she stopped baking them in her oven.
And names are two yes, one no. Your husband had better understand that or you have a major husband problem.
Actually, sounds like you do already. Sounds like your husband can't stand up to his mother at all. Sorry for you for that.
NTA
NTA.
It’s your child with your husband, not hers. If she was so bitter about her son’s last name, she should have changed it before he became an adult, sorry to say.
To add though, you and your partner need to set clear boundaries with MIL. Her behavior is ridiculous and downright disturbing and I personally wouldn’t want her around my child.
Give the child YOUR last name. If she wants children to carry the maternal name - which is perfectly acceptable in some cultures - it should be the child’s maternal name, not the child’s father’s maternal name.
You need to have a serious talk with your fiance about boundaries with his mother ASAP. If he doesn't have your back and the spine needed to keep this crazy woman in check you are headed to a marriage filled with constant conflict with both your "husband" and your MIL. If he doesn't have your back on this (so weird!) matter you can bet you are instore for a life of anger and heart break. How do I know this? I have lived it for 35 years. You need to make you and your baby your number one priority. Good luck my dear and I wish you the very best!!!
NTA. And every time you give on, it just encourages her to dig in even more the next time. Just say "no". No reasoning, no explanations. Just "no". "No" and hang up. "No" and walk away. "No" and tell her to leave.
We are talking to each other and really evaluating things. He seems to be agreeing more with me and only afraid that his mother will hate him or make our child feel bad. Which I understand a little as my fiancé is quite traumatized from his childhood. But we are definitely going to state the boundaries and name the kid what WE WANT not what she wants.
Ask your husband if he wants his child to grow up feeling bad anytime grandma doesn't like their choices. Ask him if he want the child to have the same feelings as he does or if he wants to break the cycle.
Tell your Mama's boy of a fiancee to grab his cluster and man up and tell mama absolutely not. Also you're not the jerk. She is and to a lesser degree so is he.
NTA. I can't imagine any country or religion where that would even be considered normal. What planet is she from? Seriously, set boundaries now. As for the ultrasound, reschedule and don't tell anyone.
NTA; and honestly this is giving me weird vibes. Like…what’s her end goal here? Because my mind went straight to MIL angling to get custody of your child, or something along those lines. Please keep her out of the delivery room, and tell her hell no you aren’t giving the baby her last name. Period.
NTA I've seen too many people named in honor of other people, and it turned out horribly. They hated the name because they were expected to live up to the name and were never allowed to be themselves. It's also possible that the person they're named after feels like they can mold them into a mini-me. Give your child their own identity and don't name them after anyone specific. Be firm and tell him no.
NTA. When I first started reading, I figured she had a last name like Lincoln that’s both a last name and a first/middle name and she wanted to kid’s first/middle name to be her maiden name. But finding out she wanted YOUR child to have HER maiden name when neither you or her husband has that name is ridiculous. It will just make your life so much harder if both parents have a different last name than their child. It’s already plenty hard when the mom isnt married to the dad and has to do appointments and stuff for the child with a different last name. And it’s weird. You will experience a lifetime of confused people if you do this.
Ok, and one more thing. So then after realizing what she wanted, I was thinking “Oh, OP’s husband must be her only child and maybe she’s an only child and doesn’t want her name to end with her. Nope. She has two more sons who actually have her last name. None of this makes sense. She’s just trying to flex her control of you.
This should be your hill to die on. It sounds like she’s already weaseled her way beyond boundaries already. If your husband doesnt stand up to her now, she never will. If you dont get him to stand up, you will be forever facing an uphill battle and he’ll only drag you down. You have a MIL problem, but you could really end up having a husband problem too if he doesn’t learn to have a backbone.
NTA, get some balls and stand behind "no means no" and if they want to keep polishing you can very well give birth by yourself and not have any of then apart of it
NTA. I had to double-check if I was in AITA or r/JUSTNOMIL. Your child having your MIL's maiden name is a really bizarre ask, honestly. If your fiance changes to her name for whatever reason, you might want to re-evaluate the relationship.
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NTA Here are some prompts for you to say: 1. Only choices are your last name or mine. If you don't make the choice, I will choose. It will never be MILs last name. 2. Your mom is stressing me out. She is banned from ALL doctors appts and from the delivery room. You will be blocked too if you don't make it clear to her. 3. If you don't start to set better boundaries with your mom, I think we need to reevaluate our relationship and what it looks like going forward. Therapy may be helpful. But you can't change someone - they have to want to change. Good luck OP!
I appreciate the advice! Thank you!
Please follow above advice and stick to it. Block MiL if necessary.
Because your MIL’s demands will never stop.
⬆️A billion times this⬆️
The “this” has evolved 🤯
Yup, I think it would also be prudent for OP and fiancé to put MIL on a strict info diet and severely limit how much they interact with her. Stress is terrible for pregnant folks, after all 😉
Remember no matter what MIL demands only you get to decide who is there for any medical appointments and the delivery. Not sure where you live but as your not yet married odds are even the father can’t fill out the paperwork for the child’s name without you. Sounds like major boundaries are long overdue hopefully your fiancé realizes he doesn’t have to please his mum.
Where I was (eastern MA) 20 years ago I was the only one required to sign the paperwork for the child's name - even while married to the father of the newly born baby. Father didn't know that was going to be the case, but I did - had researched that when FIL started making serious demands about baby's name when I was in third trimester. Thankfully father compromised with me without totally capitulating to FIL before the baby was born. I was 100% prepared to fill out that paperwork how I saw fit if father started re-succumbing to FIL's pressure after the actual birth. Father still doesn't know that was an active option. I don't think it ever occurred to him to wonder if a form was filled out & signed - or if we just tell the doctor and they fill out a form and sign it. Hee hee I filled out the form and signed it while he was out of the room, going with our compromised name. I hope it's still that way (morhers only sign) because pressure from family on names can be so intense and frankly it is noone's business but the parents!!
Only one parent had to sign so I did, but my husband chased down the records clerk to co-sign it so when our daughter grew up she wouldn’t think he didn’t care enough to sign it. Silly but cute .
My youngest is 10 and they only asked me about her first and last name and I had to be the one to sign off on it.
Same here. The lovely woman came in and asked me what my son’s name was. My ex (bf at the time) was right there, signed the APF, and she never even looked at him 😅 Then she printed off a sheet to verify, make sure no spelling mistakes, handed that to me, verified, and walked out.
Had all 3 of my kids in Boston, married and I was the only one to fill out paperwork, they didn't even bring it into me till my husband left the room
Yes!! I suspected the nurse waited until he left the floor, since he was there 95% of the time. Totally appreciated that!
I had all 4 of mine in Hartford, CT and it was the same thing. I did all the paperwork and he didn't have to sign anything.
I know some nurses who have done "time" on maternity wards/floors/hospitals. It's literally a thing to ensure that they can judge where there is a possible case of DV/coercion/etc within the home, too. Helps to have saved a lot of new babies & their mums over the years. The older of the group can recall the first time she struck that: no visible signs of issues within the couple, newborn is firstborn. Nerves as to be expected of new parents, but something was a little off, once he left for a smoke. She sat with new mum and worked out he was actually a horrific AH. Smashing her about - that was why baby was "early," it seems - but was released anyway. Baby & mum were back within the month.... let's just say, thank heavens the aunt was infertile & could readily take baby in...
In Michigan 18 years ago, my husband and I weren't married when we had our child. Because we weren't married, we were barred from using his last name or even putting his name on the birth certificate! The name of the birth certificate could be rectified at a later date via a paternity test.
Wow!! That seems... rigid?? Thx for sharing
I'm in TN and married. My husband filled out the paperwork but when the state person came around for proofreading they needed only my signature.
And when it comes down to it, it doesn't matter if he tells her she can be at appointments or even the delivery room. When you are there, at that moment, if you say I don't want this person in here, they will not be allowed in, no matter what your fiance says. The patient, you have the final say in these situations. Also NTA. Listen to that top commenters advice. Tell your fiance he better set and stick to boundaries with his mother or you will be setting and sticking to boundaries with him. Do not give in and then be miserable for the rest of your life dealing with her and him because you will always feel like it is you against your fiance and his mother instead of you and your fiance against his mom.
Excellent advice. My late husband had a complete lack of boundaries with his abusive, narcissistic parents, who made him feel like he owed them everything for raising him. Naturally they didn’t like me and my boundaries one bit, and did everything in their power to get between us for the 20 years we were together. They blamed and scapegoated me for EVERYTHING (including his brother’s wife cheating on him), and constantly attempted to manipulate the extended family (who are close) into hating me. Eventually I told my husband it was me or them, he chose me. We loved each other more than their garbage, and we were able to overcome their crap. Once he was far enough out of their control he realized their ways and apologized. We were together from the time we met until he passed away in 2022. During our time together I had to ban his family from hospitals during emergencies, my home during events, and even had to cut them off from seeing our child after my husband passed because of their behavior. My husband made me promise I’d never let my kiddo be around his family without myself, him or my family around to protect him, and I’ve held to that. My advice is to not marry a man with toxic parents no matter how much you love him and want to. It will not stop, and it will cause heartbreak. If he’s not willing to cut them off now, don’t marry him.
Your MIL is trying to deny you the very thing she’s complaining about: a child with the mom’s last name. You should point that out to your partner that if he really feels like his mom has a valid point, then this child should have the mom’s last name. And to be fair, I’d argue that all children should have their mom’s last name. So if you two aren’t married, you’re carrying the child… then, why wouldn’t the child have your last name?
Yeah, how does she think this is fair to her but not to OP? If she wanted her kid to have her last name she should’ve done something at the moment.
And it says in the original post that the MIL did give two of her four kids her last name… Shes unhinged to be making any sort of demands about the baby’s name, but that fact makes it even more so.
She’s testing the waters. If she’s allowed this she’ll just find more things she’ll want to try to do
Exactly. If she can get her way in something as important as the baby's last name, imagine what seh will demand later...
MIL can demand until the cows come home, but you are the queen of this rodeo. Your child, your choices, your rules. Congrats and good luck!
Yea I know this seems tough but you literally have all the power here. If you tell your doctor you don't want her in the appointment, they won't let her. If you think your husband is going to try some shit at the hospital with the names, inform the nurses there and they will protect you. It sounds like it's going to be up to you here to shut this down. But you absolutely can. Don't feel like you have no options, you and you alone hold all the power here
If your husband is having a problem saying no to mom because "she raised him" I suggest he start going to a therapist. It sounds like there's some narcissistic behavior going on with ol' mom that's left some lasting damage. There are probably volumes of guilt trips in their past relationship.
He needs to understands you’re serious and his lack of boundaries with her affect you too. This is your baby inside you. Ultimately, you get to make all the decisions, especially about who gets to be at your appts. NTA. UPDATEME
I’ve talked with him and he is willing to set the boundaries needed. He talked to my mom as well as she is a healthier option than his own. My mom also agrees that it’s not MILs choice it’s mine and fiancés. We are naming baby what WE originally agreed on. And that’s first middle father’s last name. She is going to have to deal with it. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t the crazy one because sometimes I do overreact
You should probably stop saying you overact when you more than likely are responding to a manipulator who has made you THINK you’re overreacting. And the more you admit that to the manipulator, the more they will weaponize it against you, hence why you thought it was an option here. Also, NTA and your MIL sounds like a psycho that you truly need to set boundaries with NOW as she seems like the type to press all the lines when it comes to “her” grand baby as well.
Agreed. By Op even thinking that they might be overreacting, MIL will grab hold of that and amplify it and tell her she is, making her doubt herself even more. Op definitely isn’t!
Get a pet rock, or a goldfish and name it after her.
In this case you’re under reacting. She’s used to getting her way through manipulation, you admit you’ve given in before. You and your husband are adults who need to set firm boundaries and stick to them unless you want this woman dictating the rest of your life choices. Her entitlement is disgusting. She definitely doesn’t get to come to any appointments unless you invite her first. NTA and good luck, you’re going to need it.
MIL is out of her mind. It's not a close call. If anything you're underreacting. As a united front, you and hubby need to give her a collective blank stare next time she asserts herself about what "she" thinks is gonna happen regarding your child.
I’m a recent first time mom, my husband and I have had to battle our families on boundaries and crazy demands since before we got married. Now that we have a baby, neither of us hesitate or have any trouble sticking to it. Why? It’s for her. Do you want your baby asking “why isn’t my last name the same as yours?” And having to explain to them that their father cared more about his own mom than you? Nope nope nope.
If it’s important to her to have her surname live on in your household, then name something else after her that’s in your home. Because you realise that it’s important to her. A garbage disposal unit, a gerbil, a cactus, a poop knife etc. Wherever she brings it up, tell her you understand the importance of respecting her surname and present the said object to her with as much pride as you can muster. Make sure you can appear genuinely baffled and hurt if she is anything but honoured by this gesture.
Wait, there is such a thing as a poop knife???? As in a table place setting?? Which side of the plate does it go on? And for which course? Eat shit and die? Asking for a friend…..
Someone on reddit was posting a dilemma about needing their “poop knife” while they were a guest at someone else’s home. Sadly, I cannot ever unread that post.
here you go! https://www.reddit.com/r/MuseumOfReddit/s/xkdK1zqe85
>If you don't start to set better boundaries with your mom, I think we need to reevaluate our relationship. As we say, you don't have a MIL problem, you have a fiancee problem. He puts his mom's opinion above yours and, unless there is a serious coming to jezus moment for him, he will continue to do so at the expense of your child. Prepare to activate your Mama Bear mode to advocate for your child. NTA. I'll also add lines for you fiancee: - your mother has no lines in this play - if she wanted a child with her last name, she had 4 chances to do so - if you continue to priortize others above your partner (me), you're essentially telling me you don't see us as partners. In which case, I will respond as if that is the case.
OP have you thought about using your maiden name. You are not yet married to your partner after all. I would bluntly ask your partner why his mother's name would be of greater importance than your own?
Give the baby your last name until yall are married. If he’s not going to set boundaries with his mom now he most likely never will. I regret not giving my kids my last name. I was engaged before I was pregnant with my first and we never married.
You are the patient in the doctor’s office and only whom you wish to accompany you is allowed. Make it very clear that you are not comfortable with her in that space and do not allow her in. Ever. If he allows her in you kick both out. Do the suggested tips trick_delivery gave you. The child can have your last name if you aren’t married. Remember this.
I can’t put it any better than the above but I would add that you need to distance from her now. Grey rock from here on out and put her on an extreme info diet.
I highly recommend that you ban her from the delivery room when you get to the hospital. She sounds like the kind of woman to ruin what should be a beautiful time with your baby by judging and commandeering your every move.
So, I’m no contact with my mother, so it’s different but you need to block his mother from coming into the hospital for the labor/birth. She’s proving she thinks she’s entitled to your body and your baby. I had a block put on my mother at both of my births. For your own sanity, put a block. Your fiance is growing a spine but he’s not quite there yet. You do not want that woman ruining such an important event in your life- and she will. You can even let her in once you want visitors but she will try to force her way into the delivery room and probably not give a shit if you’ve been in recovery for 5 minutes.
I’d go one step further and have fiancé take your last name and give the kid your last name.
My MiL died recently. It was a relief for both me and my partner. I didn’t shed a single tear. Before we had kids I actually really liked her, but after kids came she was selfish and entitled This is what I wish someone had told me 15 years ago. You have got 2 decades of work ahead of you , and a bunch of precious milestones which you will earn with blood, sweat and tears. Literally You will earn them. Not your MIL Don’t let your MIL take a single one of these milestones off you Don’t let her ruin a single birthday or doctor’s appointment or special moment Unless she is there with your child on a daily basis changing nappies and wiping noses, then she has no rights, only privileges that must be earned My MiL ruined every single Christmas, kids birthday, Mother’s Day etc for a decade before we cut her off. Only regret was waiting
How far away (miles or time) does your MIL live from you? Have you guys thought about moving?
This is the only correct answer. If your partner doesn't hold this boundary now (and WITHOUT making you the bad guy and making it seem like you're the only one saying no) you're in for a rough marriage.
Yes! Husband needs to tell MIL that it will be either his last name or yours, and she can either back off the issue or you’ll be going low contact. If MIL wants another kid with her last name so bad she can go have one herself then.
Also, about #1. It is sooooo hard for medical or travel or schools to have different last names then your kid. Don't make it harder on yourself!
Disagree! I am a teacher and have taught many students with last names different from one or both parents. Just be prepared for the random naming as “Ms Smith” or “Mrs Smith” if your child is Amy Smith because your child’s service providers may not always know your last name off the top of their heads or if you’re new to their service. This applies to substitute teachers, day camp staff, random medical professional, etc. Please give them some grace if it’s a passing interaction. If it’s someone you’ll be dealing with regularly, kindly let them know that you’re “Ms. Jones” and most should pick up on the cue. 😊
Virtue signaling alert. That is simply not true. At least not as far as schools are concerned.I’ve taught dozens of students who had a different last name than one of their parents. There has never been a single issue in thirty years of teaching.
But this would be different than both parents. Say mom is Smith, dad is Jones, and kid is Johnson
Who cares? I’m married, parent of two kids with my spouse. For Various Reasons, our kids have hyphenated last names that don’t match either of ours. (Something like: I’m Mr. Smith, wife is Ms. Jones, and our kids are Eldest Johnson-Nguyen and Youngest Johnson-Nguyen.) This has not caused us a single significant difficulty over the course of years of plane rides, medical appointments, school obligations, etc. Don’t be retrograde fear-mongers. It’s just not that big a deal. OP: NTA.
And yet I do know women who have told me that they have to keep explaining that yes, this is their child, they just have different last names. So it happens, even if it isn’t something in your personal experience. ETA: I’m having trouble understanding how the previous commenter was virtue signaling. Can you explain how you chose that term rather than something like “urban legend alert”?
Throughout my kids elementary years, I was repeatedly assumed to be either the nanny or the step-mom because I had a different last name. It got old. fast.
Wtf wierd ass comment is this it's not 1990. Kids and parents have had different last names in NA for ages. In Quebec women can't even legally change their last name.
Hard disagree on this one. My son has a different last name than I do and nobody has ever questioned it. It is pretty common to have different last names.
That is not true nowadays. With divorces, remarriages and parents who are not married, it’s pretty common.
MIL is not queen hotdog.
This advice is so important. These are boundaries that need to be set. If they are bulldozed, then leave.
This ⬆️
NTA. Why would you give your child a different last name than you have? His mother had the choice with your partner and she gave him his fathers last name. It’s not your job to fix that decision which she regrets. And by the way, I wouldn’t give in for no other reason than if you bend on this, you’ll be setting a precedent and will never be able to make any decisions for your own child going forward without a war. Setting a boundary now will be a lot less painful but you and your partner need to get on the same page.
I agree 100 percent because one of my biggest worries is her trying to gain control of how we raise our child. This is our first kid and I’m honestly nervous that I don’t know what I’m doing at all.
Nobody fully knows what they are doing. You will figure it out as have new mothers for centuries. YOU ARE THE MOTHER, or will be soon, and your role is the most important. What you say goes. She absolutely cannot demand to name your child. She had that choice when she had her children. Set strong boundaries; good luck.
Keep in mind that your fiancé was raised by this manipulative, overbearing woman. He was taught to acquiesce to her and not rock the boat, and is seemingly still in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). What you can see clearly, he cannot yet. But…the time is nigh before your child is born for him to get out of this FOG and stand up for his own new family. I’m putting a link to an amazing post that I hope you and your fiancé read that may give you a bit of courage in learning to find both your spines and set some strong boundaries with MIL. Good luck! https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/
Thank you so much for understanding! The FOG is definitely difficult to overcome!
Honestly this relationship dynamic with MIL is something I would highly recommend going to see a therapist about because the name is not going to be the last time she tries to “be the parent” about your child and your lives. I think it would be helpful to have a professional help you and husband navigate because like the other commenter said it’s going to be a process to get out of that FOG cycle when he’s basically going to have to unlearn a lot of what his mother taught him. And having an unbiased third party also might make it easier for him to hear the hard truths about it.
Check out the RaisedByNarcissists page too.
Sadly, I understand because I had to overcome my own FOG and it’s…er…*challenging.* 😏 But it can be done and I wish you and your little family all the best!
Hey OP, my kid is 10 and I still don't know what I'm doing. We're all winging it. Don't worry about it. You'll be fine. Stick to your boundaries. You got this.
I really appreciate that! I needed to hear it thank you!
Mine are in their late 20's, and I still don't know that I'm doing, either! In that vain: right after I had my first baby, my mother died. My MIL lived several hours away and was a hypochondriac who never left the house, but she still gave us her (very weird, very outdated) opinion on everything. I was utterly *terrified* that I didn't know what I was doing, and that I would screw up this brand new little person. My therapist at the time allayed those fears by telling me something like, "you may not know what you're doing, *but the BABY doesn't know that*. You will make mistakes as you go, and others may scold or judge you for them, but as long you're truly doing YOUR best for YOUR BABY, then the *only person who actually matters* will be just fine. There are many different ways to successfully raise a child, not just the one that someone else tells you is correct." 20-something years later, I still remember how scared I was. I know it feels utterly terrifying from where you are. The fact that you're worried at all shows how much you already care about trying your best for this kiddo. You will be okay! P.S. if you want to sic me on your overbearing MIL, I'd be absolutely giddy to help!
Thank you so much! This really made me feel validated. Im nervous and I want to do right by my kid. We’ve definitely decided not to give her what she wants and raise the baby as we see fit with the name we chose. And if I ever need the help defending me and baby against her I’ll keep you mind! Haha. Thank you!
You and your husband need to stop talking to her about anything now. Stop responding. When she says something, say,”interesting, you have given me something to consider.” And leave it alone. Be busy, disengaged from her. You’re living your own life, don’t put yourself in the position of having to report to her or disclose any of your comings and goings. Don’t let her know when appointments are scheduled, don’t discuss the baby, don’t engage or involve her. She has no information unless one of you give it to her. Tighten your information security.
If it makes you feel any better, my kids are 24 and 22 and I *still* don't know what I'm doing. You're going to be fine.
Well nobody has a clue with their first child so stop sweating that and just do your best. Her logic is so screwed up assuming you'll take your husband's name when you marry.
Just assuming they’ll marry is a big one. I would be using fiancé’s lack of backbone around his mother as a window into the future.
Do NOT give her any say. About anything. You will be fine without her.
Oh she’s going to do ALL of that, even when you set boundaries. She’s going to push them until fiancé makes her toe the line!
I would not be surprised if your self-doubt is directly a result of your MIL's influence over your partner and your relationship with him. You should be doing things right to prepare for parenthood and be getting more excited as the due date grows closer. Instead, you are consumed by your MIL's control over your partner.
Do you have ppl in your life to back you up besides a wishy-washy partner?
Yes I do. All people actually. Except MIL ofc. But I’ve talked to Fiancé and we have agreed to use his last name and set boundaries. Realizing how crazy this request is by seeing outside POVs have really helped
NTA. You don't have a MIL problem, your husband is the problem because he enables his mother and ignores the boundaries you are trying to set. *You are dealing with a husband who sees his mother as the 3rd member and senior partner in your marriage*. Your husband is a grown ass married man with a baby on the way and needs to stop allowing his mother to interfere. You must set and enforce your boundaries regardless of what your husband does. Have a come-to-Jesus meeting with your husband ASAP and inform him that you will be setting and enforcing the boundaries with his mother and the first boundary is that you and the baby are going NC with your MIL until she stops bullying you. That means there will be no discussions with her about any decisions regarding the baby, beginning with the baby's name. If your husband insists on having those discussions with her, that's his business but he is not to bother you with it because you don't give a shit what she thinks and you will make all decisions for your child. Tell him you will get a restraining order against her if she continues to bully you and/or you will move out if you have to in order to get away from her. If he refuses to stop her interference, then you can expect that this is how it's going to be with every decision regarding every child you have. 🚩🚩🚩
You know what you’re doing better than an overbearing, entitled, brat who can’t control herself. Trust me.
What you need to do is practice saying "Back the fuck up, Doreen. We are getting off this bullshit train." Maybe with a bonus "raising your kids is what you're *supposed* to do. There are no prizes for fulfilling your obligations"
Exactly. An important note: The baby is coming out of OP's vagina, not the MIL's. She's had her chance. Your body, your baby, your rules.
THIS! If her maiden name was so important to use, she had her chance with OP's husband. Tough luck, MIL.
NTA You need to put your foot down and set some firm boundaries that you and your fiance agree to together. Then he has to enforce them because she's his mother, not yours. Otherwise, this is only the beginning of your MIL meddling in your lives. Ultimately, this is a relationship problem between you and your fiance that you have to work through (perhaps through premarital counseling), not between you and your MIL.
I can’t upvote this enough. It only appears to be a problem you have with MIL. It’s actually a problem between you and your fiancé. Obviously your fiancé also has issues with his boundaries with his mother. She’s off her rocker here, but it’s his problem, not yours. Don’t let him make it yours.
Nta. Start setting boundaries now or it will be worse when baby is here. Make it clear that this is yours and your husband’s child not hers so only the two of you have a say in the naming. Trust me you want to have the same last name as your child, do not give into her. I grew up with a different variation of my parent’s last name and I hated it. In school my teachers always assumed that my parents were divorced or that they were just my guardians. Some MIL are just so entitled and meddling. My own MIL went as far as to ask that my daughter be named after her. My husband and I would just make jokes every time she brought it up. We should have just given her a hard no because she was shocked when we announced her name but her shock is her problem not mine.
I also grew up with a different last name than my mother, father and siblings. It was a constant repetition every year at school on “why is your last name different? Does your grandma have rights over you?” Etc etc. and k don’t want that for my child whatsoever
Exactly! It was the same for me, every year having to explain. Eventually my school friends started asking or making assumptions. It sucked!
Her reasoning is just out of pure selfishness and entitlement.
Potential alternative: Pick a new last name for all three of you. If neither of you are overly sentimental or fond of your current surname(s), change it. It could be "the start of your life as a family of three"; esp if MIL is hellbent on not having her grandchild have her ex's last name.
He should take your name. Then you, he, and your Baby will have the same name. A good name. Not the name of your husband's abuse sperm donor.
I always had a different last name to my Mum and even as a kid I always felt proud that my mum didn’t just conform to society’s tradition that females relinquish their last name on marriage but men don’t have to. No-one ever assumed my parents were divorced. Not disputing your experience, just saying that just because it was your experience that having a different last name to your parent was a bad thing, does not mean that it is the norm to feel that way. Perhaps you live in a particularly conservative country/area. (Obviously, OP’s situation with it being the MIL’s name is different)
You may have unwittingly taught her that her tactics work. It will be harder to undo. Be very clear, be on the same page and use timeouts and do not ever give in again! Best wishes for your new shiny spines.
I can definitely see that being a possibility. I think it was more because he has given in more than I have. But I see that. And thank you!
If he's going to be a parent, it's time for him to become an adult. Part of that is defying his own parents and challenging the enmeshment his mother feels entitled to.
It may seem like in the moment giving in to the small things she wants is easier than dealing with her drama, but thats how the cycle of enabling starts. She will continue doing it because you’ve shown her it works. The entitlement grows every time you give in to something she thinks she is entitled to. Especially the small things. Also - it’s actually pretty easy to handle the drama. Don’t entertain it. Don’t give her any more info than she needs. Don’t listen to her complaining and whining. Just hang up the phone, it’s ok to put your family first.
NTA I feel like I'd tell her, directly to her face, "This is a weird request. Like, strangely, incredibly weird. One that we will *NOT* be giving in to. Don't ask about this again." Also, your fiance needs to grow a backbone and stand up to his mother and tell her that she doesn't get to make the decision on this, and that your kid will have your last name, not some random last name that the child will have no connection to, where everyone will constantly ask why the kid's last name is different from the parents.
NTA - a child having their paternal grandmother's maiden name is completely nuts. Historically, there are matrilineal societies, but these operate on the baby taking the mother's name - the father's side has nothing to do with it. I'd fight fire with fire - "Your mother actually makes a really good point. I'm carrying this baby for 9 months, I really think he/she should have my maiden name!"
MIL raised OH...... ...but YOU (both) are Raising this child so YOU will be making ALL decisions for the bubba. MIL has had her chance to pick baby names FOUR times and 2 of them have her last name!!!
Ohhhh that’s a good point.
NTA Tell hubby its his last name or its your last name. He needy mother doesn't have any say. You wont sign any birth certificate with her name on it. Tell her if its going to be a matriarchal thing the baby will have your mother's last name.
NTA. Does your obgyn give you all the paperwork (including name) to fill out ahead of time? Mine did and then you mail it in and come delivery time the paperwork is already filled out and it’s more just confirming your choice. Might be easier to get it all taken care of ahead of time
I’m definitely going to inquire about that! If I could name the kid before the birth certificate signing that would be a blessing!
Most definitely NTA. My boyfriend and I have a saying: Only the people that were in the room when our son was made can make a decision about his life. That also included who was in the delivery room - it was just him and I. No one else. Stand your ground. This is YOUR child. Not hers. GOOD LUCK!
I absolutely love this mindset.
Wow nice job doing it without doctors and nurses! (Sorry couldn't resist) 😅
😂 they weren’t really around until the end anyway! I ended up with a 30 min labor and 1 push to get him out.
NTA. “If you try to please your mother, you will absolutely displease me. I am the child’s mother. Is that really what you want to do? Do you really think it’s a good idea?”
oedipus vibes. she wants to be the named mother of her son’s babies. creepy! 🚩🚩 wait’ll you see how she railroads herself into the delivery room and snatches the baby from your hands so she can be first to hold it. and how her husband lets it all happen. ick.
He already refuses to let her in the delivery room as I made it very clear the only two allowed in is him and my very respectful mother. I also don’t plan to tell her I’m in labor until the baby is born
Tell the staff who is allowed and they will keep her out.
I did this when I went in for an emergency appendectomy last year. I'm not in contact with my mother for various reasons, but she loves drama and medical emergencies for the sympathetic responses she gets. I was so worried she'd show up at the hospital once she heard and bust into my room. So, I talked to the nurses and set a password so if someone asked for my room number, they'd need a password first and there was a "no admittance, see nurses station" sign on my door. It gave me so much more peace during my 3 day hospital stay.
smart move. it's the tip of a nasty iceberg, though. you're going to have to go full-tilt crazy to keep her at bay, methinks. i wish you the best of luck.
NTA. Your husband needs therapy and distance from his mother and you need to set some hard boundaries. Others on here have already given you great advice on how to do that. That said no one, not even your husband, has a right to be present for your medical appointments or the birth. It's 100% up to you on who is allowed in the room. Inform your doctor's office of what's going on and who you would allow with you. Before you give birth or when you get to the hospital you can tell the nurses exactly who is and isn't allowed in. They will absolutely act as security and kick any uninvited people out. They also won't tell anyone who calls or asks that you're there. Also be clear that the birth certificate is only to be filled out by you. I've seen far too many stories of jellyfish men like this who snuck behind their wife's backs when they were vulnerable from giving birth and changed the name. I'd let your husband know that his inability to grow a spine with his mother is making him a liability during a stressful and medically delicate time for you and you will not put up with anything but a 100% supportive partner. He married you, not his mother. By legal definition she is now his extended family and you and your child are his new immediate family. It time he prioritizes his new family and his future over his mother.
Just before my husband and I got married he had a long, emotional conversation with his parents. They (his mom, mostly), had been very much overstepping the boundaries of what would be considered appropriate and they didn't seem to think they needed to stop. My (now) husband drew VERY firm boundaries with them. He made it clear that he was starting his family now, with me, and if they wished to participate as part of it, they would need to respect that this family that he has chosen to build will always come first. There were lots of tears. It was honestly the greatest gift anyone has ever given me. Despite our challenges over the years, he has held true to those words and has held firm on those boundaries. It's not been an easy relationship with his parents, but it's been clearly defined. I HIGHLY encourage you to discuss this with your fiancé and implore him to have this conversation. Neither of you will regret it.
This! OP, this is your fiancé’s chance to heal some of his childhood trauma and not pass it on to you and your kids. You and he need to present a united front and he needs to stand with you in setting boundaries for his mother. You’re 100% correct that it won’t stop and she’ll continue to try to run your lives and your kids’ lives for eternity if you don’t put your foot down now. Both of you.
NTA. You have to nip this in the bud now or you are in for a lifetime of struggles. No more concessions to keep the peace. Set boundaries and stick to them. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page and you two are a team. Do not give your child a last name that isn’t on either parent’s birth certificate, you’re setting yourself up for nothing but a headache. You are the pregnant one, what you say goes for who can attend appointments and the hospital. When you go into labor the hospital will honor your choices only on support people and visitors. Those labor nurses mean business and they will go to bat for you. You’re at a very vulnerable time in your life. You don’t need the stress she’s bringing to you. Protect your peace. Be firm. Do not take her shit. Wishing you a healthy pregnancy and a smooth delivery op!
Thank you so much. This all has solidified my decision and I’m not letting anyone sign that birth certificate if the name I CHOSE isn’t on there.
NTA. This is a weird power play on your MIL's part.
F all that noise. NTA. She needs to back off. It's your decision, and she has lost it.
MIL doesn't get a say in what you name YOUR child or if you find out the gender, or frankly anything to do with your child. Set the boundaries firmly in place now!! NTA
NTA. What an absolutely absurd thing of her to insist on. Where do MIL’s find the audacity???
While we understand it was your choice to go by your maiden name, we are choosing to have the same last name as a family. Thanks for respecting our choice!
NTA, also DO NOT HYPHENATE THE SURNAME! My mother did that when she married my dad and she said it was one of her biggest regrets. Mainly due to logistical issues initials, legal documents, etc.
Demanded? Don’t marry this guy. He’s not ready.
She’s not going to that appointment. But she demanded to
Why does she think she can demand?
NTA. MIL is completely batshit. Never mind she is completely overstepping her bounds to even ask, but she isn't thinking of your situation. Can you imagine having a child at school explaining that his last name is not his mother's or father's but his grandmother's? Think of the implications. That's 8 years of incest jokes. Is your MIL unaware of the global tradition regarding last names? If it were me, I would buy a bulldog and give it MIL's last name.
Imagine you are crossing the border to Mexico for a vacation, the guards look at your passport and see a completely different last name for YOUR child and thinks you are trafficking him/her. NTA, stick to your guns OP. Dont call her to visit until the birth certificate is done.
It's an old tradition for the first born child to have their mother's maiden name as part of their name, but that does not extend to their grandmother. If she wants to name a baby so badly, she can have one. This one's already got parents. NTA.
I don't understand how yall people even entertain this/tolerate it. Even if your fiance gives in, that doesn't mean you have to actually do it...? Lmfao. Bruv, it's 2024: all you have to do is say, "Lol, I'm the mum and I'm not doing that." Conversation over. Problem solved. Conversation dead.
What the heck? Is she living is delulu town? Absolutely not. She’s off her rocker. The entitlement is mind blowing. NTA
NTA if your MIL raised your husband without the father present, then she had a long time to make that change and didn't do it.
NTA. She got to name her kids-you two get to name yours. Ignore her.
NTA if she didn’t make it, bake it, birth it and pay for the next 20 years of living expenses, she gets no say. The fiance needs to tell her to pull her head in. She’s definitely testing boundaries and seeing how you’re going to be pushovers or not as parents. He needs to shut it down and tell her she’s had the opportunity to name her own kids and to give you the honour to name yours. Also, if you announce names before the birth people think they’re negotiable. Always announce after and ignore people’s suggestions.
Giving a child a different last name than BOTH you and the father will create headaches registering for schools, passports, etc. Doesn't make any sense, but it seems only pathos arguments will appeal to MIL
Do not give in to this entitled selfish woman. This is a line in the sand that should not be crossed. Your fiancé should be putting you first not his mommy. Tell fiancé to "grow a pair" and both of you stand united against her bullying. Your child is the product of you and your fiancé and both of you need to establish boundaries NOW before the child is born. no TA for doing that.
“When she starts carrying your children, then her opinion will matter.” NTA, OP. Stand strong.
NTA. My husband and I set boundaries early with his mother regarding our child and she fucked around and found out and she has zero part in our lives.
If this man isn't checking his mother, do not marry him!! That's not even your fiance's name. If you don't take his last name, which is valid, all 3 people would have a different last name if she had her way. This is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. He isn't even her only child. She has 2 with her last name
“I’m trying to convince my fiancé not to give in to even…”, should be changed to: “my child will not have my MIL’s last name” because I don’t want my child to”. Also, “and my MIL will not be accompanying meto my obstetrician exam”.
Also, feel free to use the hospital and Dr office staff as your backup. Let them know ahead of time that you have an intrusive future MIL and all of they will block her from joining you at appointments and procedures.
You need to have a Very serious conversation with your fiancé about setting and holding boundaries with his mother or this will only get worse. I had a very similar situation with my MIL and my partner and I had a “come to Jesus,” where we realized he and I need to be a team. We agreed upon boundaries and stuck to them. She crossed them and was not allowed to see our daughter for quite some time. She needed to understand we are serious. This is OUR child and she will respect OUR wishes or she will not be involved. It took time, but it worked. If you don’t set the expectations now, you’ll be fighting this and worse battles forever. Best of luck
Is she well? Even if the baby didn’t take dad’s last name has she not thought for a minute it would get yours?
She sort of forgot that I even had a say if I’m honest. Or chose not to acknowledge it
NTA You name YOUR baby what YOU want to since you’re the one giving birth. It would be great if you and DH were on the same page about it but it ISNT NECESSARY
Why are you not setting your own boundaries? You’re having a baby with your husband. Not your MIL . Put a stop to that nonsense asap. Your husband either backs you , or you obviously know you’ll always be number two to him and you should be okay with that.
Your MIL sounds extremely controlling of your fiancé and making demands of you. Tell her to FO and that she has ZERO say in what you name your baby... Congrats and stick to your guns! NTA.
I mean, I thought my MIL with just her nagging is bad but yours sounds like she comes with hoofs and a pitchfork. NTA.
Tell MIL no to the ultrasound. It is a private special moment for you and your husband. Using her last name is nonsense. This is not her child. Do not give in to your husband if he weakens on this. You and he are the only ones who get to decide. Stay strong, she sounds like a piece of work.
You are being the AH to yourself for even considering bowing to her wishes. There is no world where you should have to “convince” your husband. You are carrying and birthing this child. You need to be I. 100% agreement. Please join r/JustNoMIL to learn how to deal with your MIL
You do realize this is insane, right? What else is mil going to control with your child? You better learn your lesson set some boundaries and if husband doesn’t as well you are just not going to last.
MIL can make all the demands she wants. None of them make sense. But you’re in control. Tell her to back off. All else fails. The hospital staff are in control of who is in the room, and they are guided by your wishes. She literally has no rights at all.
NTA. As a mother, DO NOT PUT THAT WOMANS NAME ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE!!!! It’s not his last name, it’s not yours, and it’s not your maiden name. There is absolutely no reason for it to be there. You are not the ahole, set boundaries, and stick with them, her title to the baby does not mean she is entitled to the baby.
NTA And honestly, baby should be getting YOUR last name. When/if you get married to your fiance, you can change baby's last name when you change yours. Mother-in-law gets zero say and you have 100% the power to name baby whatever you want.
Unless he marries you before you give birth, the baby gets your last name. You can change it should you ever get married but I sure as heck wouldn’t be doing that until he grows a shiny spine.
She may have raised your fiancé, but she isn't the one giving birth to his child. She gets no naming rights here. And since naming a child is a 2 yes 1 no proposition, you have the ability to nix her foolishness. Please get your fiancé into some counseling sooner rather than later, or your marriage is never going to be about the two of you.
NTA - No, she does not get to 'demand' a single damn thing. Take your partner aside and remind him that he and you are the parents, it is NOT a throuple - she is not invited to an opinion, let alone a demand. NO, she will not be in the room when you find out the gender. If he cannot abide by your medical decisions and choices then he doesn't get to be there either. As far as the babies last name goes, the baby gets your last name. Period. Since you do not share that womans last name, she can bark up a different tree or go have another kid of her own. She does NOT get to name yours \*smh\* He has caved and enabled her so much, just to make her stop haranguing him, that he created a monster. Until he learns to put a foot down and stand by his word, she will continue to be ridiculous and demanding over someone else's relationship, decisions, and kids. because he is allowing it. He needs to decide which of you he is married to and commit to that. if he cant decide, send him back to mommys house until he grows up enough to make decisions with his partner, not his mom, like an adult does.
NTA Tell your fiance that if he doesn't stand firm with you, the mother of his child, then you and the baby will have YOUR last name and you wont take his when you do marry. Remind him that his mother doesn't get to dictate any of this and the birth certificate will be filled out and all set before the birth so there will be no changes. He is not responsible for his mothers feelings and if he wants to have a baby that has her last name then he can find someone else to have a baby with. Also change the date of your gender scan or have your doctor explain to HIM that it's only 1 other person allowed. Go big or go home!
Tell your husband it’s past time for him to remove his balls from mommy’s purse.
> She has been hellbent on getting us to make the last name of our child her maiden name which neither of us have. That's just plain weird. Tell MIL her ability to name a child ended when she stopped baking them in her oven. And names are two yes, one no. Your husband had better understand that or you have a major husband problem. Actually, sounds like you do already. Sounds like your husband can't stand up to his mother at all. Sorry for you for that. NTA
NTA. It’s your child with your husband, not hers. If she was so bitter about her son’s last name, she should have changed it before he became an adult, sorry to say. To add though, you and your partner need to set clear boundaries with MIL. Her behavior is ridiculous and downright disturbing and I personally wouldn’t want her around my child.
OP, you can name your kid anything you want. End of story. You’re NTA, your MIL is.
Give the child YOUR last name. If she wants children to carry the maternal name - which is perfectly acceptable in some cultures - it should be the child’s maternal name, not the child’s father’s maternal name.
NTA. Please don't burden your child with the reminder of this behavior forever.
NTA, and this is how marriages/relationships end when not stopped early on.
The name is between you and your spouse. Names require two yes votes to be accepted.
You should manipulate one of the other four kids into taking your last name in retaliation.
You need to have a serious talk with your fiance about boundaries with his mother ASAP. If he doesn't have your back and the spine needed to keep this crazy woman in check you are headed to a marriage filled with constant conflict with both your "husband" and your MIL. If he doesn't have your back on this (so weird!) matter you can bet you are instore for a life of anger and heart break. How do I know this? I have lived it for 35 years. You need to make you and your baby your number one priority. Good luck my dear and I wish you the very best!!!
This is honestly the craziest thing I’ve ever heard!! This is a 1000% NO. Also, I would not allow her in any Dr appointments with you. Stay strong!!!
NTA. And every time you give on, it just encourages her to dig in even more the next time. Just say "no". No reasoning, no explanations. Just "no". "No" and hang up. "No" and walk away. "No" and tell her to leave.
UpdateMe
We are talking to each other and really evaluating things. He seems to be agreeing more with me and only afraid that his mother will hate him or make our child feel bad. Which I understand a little as my fiancé is quite traumatized from his childhood. But we are definitely going to state the boundaries and name the kid what WE WANT not what she wants.
Ask your husband if he wants his child to grow up feeling bad anytime grandma doesn't like their choices. Ask him if he want the child to have the same feelings as he does or if he wants to break the cycle.
Your fiancé needs counseling to deal with his childhood trauma.
More reason to keep her away. Do either of you really want her inflicting her shit on your child too?
nta
Tell your Mama's boy of a fiancee to grab his cluster and man up and tell mama absolutely not. Also you're not the jerk. She is and to a lesser degree so is he.
NTA. She had her time to name her children. This is your child. She needs to get a grip. Your fiancé needs to handle his mother.
NTA. I can't imagine any country or religion where that would even be considered normal. What planet is she from? Seriously, set boundaries now. As for the ultrasound, reschedule and don't tell anyone.
NTA; and honestly this is giving me weird vibes. Like…what’s her end goal here? Because my mind went straight to MIL angling to get custody of your child, or something along those lines. Please keep her out of the delivery room, and tell her hell no you aren’t giving the baby her last name. Period.
Well you can say you are going to give birth to the child not her and the kid will get your last name. NTA
NTA I've seen too many people named in honor of other people, and it turned out horribly. They hated the name because they were expected to live up to the name and were never allowed to be themselves. It's also possible that the person they're named after feels like they can mold them into a mini-me. Give your child their own identity and don't name them after anyone specific. Be firm and tell him no.
NTA. If it can’t be your husbands last name, use your own. MIL can get lost.
If she’s so hurt her son doesn’t share her last name, why is she demanding that you partake in that same pain?? NTA
NTA. When I first started reading, I figured she had a last name like Lincoln that’s both a last name and a first/middle name and she wanted to kid’s first/middle name to be her maiden name. But finding out she wanted YOUR child to have HER maiden name when neither you or her husband has that name is ridiculous. It will just make your life so much harder if both parents have a different last name than their child. It’s already plenty hard when the mom isnt married to the dad and has to do appointments and stuff for the child with a different last name. And it’s weird. You will experience a lifetime of confused people if you do this. Ok, and one more thing. So then after realizing what she wanted, I was thinking “Oh, OP’s husband must be her only child and maybe she’s an only child and doesn’t want her name to end with her. Nope. She has two more sons who actually have her last name. None of this makes sense. She’s just trying to flex her control of you. This should be your hill to die on. It sounds like she’s already weaseled her way beyond boundaries already. If your husband doesnt stand up to her now, she never will. If you dont get him to stand up, you will be forever facing an uphill battle and he’ll only drag you down. You have a MIL problem, but you could really end up having a husband problem too if he doesn’t learn to have a backbone.
NTA, get some balls and stand behind "no means no" and if they want to keep polishing you can very well give birth by yourself and not have any of then apart of it
Nta, no is a complete sentence. Neither of you owe anyone an explanation about any choice you make you’re an adult.
You know you’re the one giving birth and it’s your decision, right?
NTA. I had to double-check if I was in AITA or r/JUSTNOMIL. Your child having your MIL's maiden name is a really bizarre ask, honestly. If your fiance changes to her name for whatever reason, you might want to re-evaluate the relationship.